All language subtitles for Tosh.0.S05E07_English

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:39,413 [INDISCERNIBLE] 2 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:48,817 [APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,116 >> Tosh: WHOEVER'S IDEA IT WAS 4 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,848 TO HAVE THE SUMMER GAME IN 5 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,592 SOVIET RUSSIA IS FIRED. 6 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,817 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 7 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:58,063 THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE IS SOUTH 8 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:58,788 PADRE ISLAND. 9 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:02,132 PERHAPS THE WORSE OF OUR 10 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,900 NATION'S HORRIBLE SPRING BREAK 11 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:04,427 DESTINATIONS. 12 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,502 WHILE THERE TAKE A PICTURE WITH 13 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,439 THE SELENA STATUE. 14 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,935 WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN J LO. 15 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:18,877 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I CHILLAX 16 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,749 AND USE MY TWITTER TO BRING 17 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,679 THIEVES TO JUSTIN AND NOW 18 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,694 SOMEBODY GET OLGA ON THE PHONE 19 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,517 AND LET HER KNOW HER COMMIE SON 20 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:30,323 IS THERE. 21 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,164 THIS IS THE NICEST DAY OF THE 22 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,230 YEAR IN RUSSIA. 23 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,959 WHEN BLOOD SOAKS THROUGH YOUR 24 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,234 PATAGONIA THAT'S A SERIOUS HEAD 25 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,002 WOUND OR MAYBE HE LANDED ON A 26 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,440 SNOW ANGEL THAT JUST STARTED HER 27 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,165 PERIOD. 28 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:45,942 WHAT WE NEED ARE MORE BUTTERFLY 29 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,179 NETS AT THE BORDER. 30 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,505 >> YOU DON'T HAVE IT DO YOU? 31 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,779 >> I DO. 32 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,048 >> HOLY [BLEEP]. 33 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:53,776 HOLY [BLEEP]. 34 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:54,521 LOOK AT THAT. 35 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,045 THAT'S A MEXICAN BUTTERFLY. 36 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,450 >> Tosh: CLEAN UP THE LANGUAGE, 37 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,192 YOU PUSSY. 38 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,417 WHAT HE GOING TO DO FLUTTER YOU 39 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,422 TO DEATH? 40 00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,763 >> IF THAT TAKES FLIGHT I'M 41 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,957 GOING [BLEEP] MY PANTS. 42 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,459 THAT'S A [BLEEP] MEXICAN 43 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:08,201 BUTTERFLY. 44 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:08,996 >> Tosh: WHAT MAKES IT MEXICAN? 45 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,426 THE FACT IT CAME OUT OF YOUR 46 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:13,031 BATHROOM WITH A CLEAN TOWEL? 47 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,203 IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY HE IS 48 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,873 WEARING A TINY SOMBRERO. 49 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,570 I THOUGHT A MEXICAN BUTTERFLY 50 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,872 WAS WHEN YOU FINISH ON A GIRL'S 51 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:23,984 EYE LASHES? 52 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,447 OKAY. 53 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,845 IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE 54 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,276 REALLY PUSHED THE BOUNDARIES ON 55 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,451 THE SHOW SO GET READY BECAUSE 56 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,679 THIS ONE'S GOING STICK WITH YOU. 57 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,023 I GIVE YOU THE ULTIMATE DEFENSE 58 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:47,269 AGAINST TITTY TWISTERS. 59 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:48,598 >> Tosh: CALM DOWN. 60 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,242 THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE COMEDY 61 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:53,838 CENTRAL WON'T LET US AIR THIS. 62 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:59,111 HEY, MAYBE HE HAS TO BREASTFEED 63 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:05,792 A BABY VAMPIRE. 64 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,316 ROLL THEM AROUND CHEDDAR POWDER 65 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,662 AND IT'S REAL CHEESE NIPS. 66 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:14,257 HE NEEDS TO UPGRATE TO THE MACH 67 00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,102 SECTOMY 5. 68 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,255 WAS IT THE GRAPHICS YOU THOUGHT 69 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,134 WAS GROSS? 70 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,830 CAN SOMEBODY GET THE NEXT GUY A 71 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,943 SMOCK? 72 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,565 I DIDN'T KNOW VAL KILMER DID 73 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:25,072 ZUMBA. 74 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,872 WITH MOVES LIKE THAT IT'S EASY 75 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,744 TO SEE HOW THAT GUY GOT 76 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,412 PREGNANT. 77 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:29,780 OKAY. 78 00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:31,107 I'M SURE THAT LAST VIDEO MADE A 79 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,751 COUPLE OF MY FEMALE VIEWERS A 80 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,376 LITTLE DAMP IN THEIR DOWNSTAIRS. 81 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,823 >> YOU SEE THE STAINS ON THERE? 82 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,489 YOU SEE THEM STAINS ON THERE? 83 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,389 SEE THE STAINS? 84 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:50,100 >> Tosh: YES, I SEE THE STAINS. 85 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,867 >> THAT'S FROM ME SQUIRTING. 86 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,836 THAT'S NOT PEE, THAT'S SQUIRT. 87 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,905 >> Tosh: AND YOU THOUGHT A MAN 88 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,565 CUTTING BOTH HIS NIPS WERE 89 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,043 GROSS. 90 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,040 I ASSUME SHE MADE HERSELF DO. 91 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:06,313 ALL A GIRL NEEDS IS A POSTER OF 92 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,324 DALE JR. AND IMAGINATION. 93 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,616 ALL YOU NEED IS SOMEONE TO MOP 94 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,847 UP THE MESS. 95 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:14,191 >> IT STINKSES SO BAD IN HERE. 96 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,687 YOU HAVE A DIRTY APARTMENT, YOU 97 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:18,691 CALL MOLLY MAID. 98 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,662 THEY'LL CLEAN. 99 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,130 YOU HAVE A SQUIRTER ON YOUR 100 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,569 HAND, CALL ME, THE JIZ WHIZ. 101 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,996 THAT'S HOW YOU DO A SKETCH SHOW. 102 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:32,011 KEEP IT UNDER 30 SECONDS AND PUT 103 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:35,405 IT IN A BETTER SHOW THAT HAS 104 00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:38,349 NOTHING TO DO WITH SKETCH 105 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,506 COMEDY. 106 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:41,254 WHAT'S NEXT? 107 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,248 WE HAVE A RUNNER. 108 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,890 THIS IS THE ONE DAY I WOULDN'T 109 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:45,815 MIND HAVING JURY DUTY. 110 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,219 OH, MY. 111 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,920 HE IS UNFAZED BY THE IT'S A. 112 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,693 -- TAZE. 113 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,803 NOW LET'S WATCH 15 SECURITY 114 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,155 CAMERAS CAPTURE THE FLIGHT RISK 115 00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:01,574 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 116 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,269 WHERE ARE FRANKLIN AND/OR BASH 117 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,040 WHEN YOU NEED THEM? 118 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,038 THAT'S THE THING WITH TAZERS IF 119 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,381 YOU DON'T CHARGE THEM OVERNIGHT 120 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:14,548 THEY LOSE ZIP. 121 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,918 OBESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE 122 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:20,117 NIGHTMARES OF THIS AND I CAN'T 123 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,190 BELIEVE THEIR TRAINING DIDN'T 124 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,658 COVER THERE. 125 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,486 FOR ALL I KNOW THIS GUY KILLED 126 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:27,062 MY COUSIN BUT I STILL WANT TO 127 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,030 SEE HIM OUTRUN THE PIGS. 128 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,659 THAT'S PURELY A FAT JOKE. 129 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:35,044 SITTING ON YOUR ASS TEN HOURS A 130 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:38,705 DAY DOES NOT PREPARE YOU TO 131 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,406 TACKLE HIM. 132 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,237 HE MADE IT OUT THE DOOR AND 133 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:42,941 LEGALLY IT MAKES HIM FREE TO GO. 134 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,053 FOR THAT WE THANK YOU. 135 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:49,945 WE'RE BACK WITH ILLUSION AND ZEN 136 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:50,450 WAYS. 137 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,181 BOSS I'M FINE. 138 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,554 I JUMPED OUT BUT I'M GOING NEED 139 00:05:52,553 --> 00:06:09,443 ANOTHER CRANE. 140 00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,867 >> ALL RIGHT. 141 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,311 THIS IS THE ILLUSION. 142 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:17,605 THIS IS HOW I KEEP MY CUT TIGHT. 143 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,811 I KIND OF FARMED IT RIGHT THERE. 144 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,854 THAT'S PRETTY RADICAL BUT WE'RE 145 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:27,091 NOT GONNA SWEAT IT, DUDE. 146 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:30,487 >> TIME TO WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND 147 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,991 THE FACT THAT IT'S GONNA BE COLD 148 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,902 AND YET THE SUN IS BRIGHT. 149 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,795 >> Tosh: HEY, HE DID SAVE EIGHT 150 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,098 DOLLARS BY NOT HAVING TO GO TO 151 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,470 FANTASTIC SAMS SO WHO LOOKS DUMB 152 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:44,341 NOW? 153 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:48,607 THE SOUL SURFER'S AT THE 154 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:49,279 ILLUSION. 155 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,776 THERE'S PLENTY WAYS TO DESCRIBE 156 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,348 HIM BUT WHILE YOU SPEND YOUR 157 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,476 DAYS STRESSING ABOUT TPS REPORT 158 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:58,624 HE'S CRUISING ON A WAVE CALLED 159 00:06:58,619 --> 00:06:59,019 LIFE. 160 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,149 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU 161 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,193 DEVOTE YOUR LIFE TURNING THINGS 162 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,729 INTO BONG THAT AREN'T BONGS. 163 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:07,385 MY FAVORITE STONER IS THE DUDE. 164 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:12,574 HE STILL TIED A RUG TOGETHER. 165 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,796 JESUS WAS THE ORIGINAL DUDE 166 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,143 BECAUSES HE TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS 167 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,237 TO GIVE AWAY THEIR WORLDLY 168 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,709 POSSESSIONS AND THAT'S WHY ME 169 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:24,778 WASN'T POPULAR WITH THE JEWS. 170 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,148 YOU GET FOOT AND SHELTER WITHOUT 171 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,717 WORKING IT'S LIKE BEING A 172 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:29,216 GIRLFRIEND. 173 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,316 I WALKED A MILE IN BIRKEN 174 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:33,850 STOCKS. 175 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:36,424 I LIVED IN COTA RICA OFF $20 A 176 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,263 WEEK AND WHAT MAKES THE TRIPS 177 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,528 BETTER IS AFFORDING FOOD. 178 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,757 YOU WANT TO GO OFF THE GRID, 179 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:42,262 FINE. 180 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:42,702 YOUR LOSS. 181 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,026 THE DOW IS THROUGH THE ROOF 182 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,671 I ALWAYS SAID THE BEST WAY TO 183 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,137 STICK IT TO THE MAN IS TO SELL 184 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,595 OUT AND BE THE MAN BUT THE 185 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,874 ILLUSION IS A GENTLE SOUL IN A 186 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,284 CRUEL WORLD AND I PUT IT OUT 187 00:07:56,276 --> 00:08:04,316 THEY WANTED HIM FOR OUR SEB 188 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,787 CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE. 189 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:08,716 >> Tosh: YOU'RE PROFICIENT IN 190 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:09,162 WORLD? 191 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:09,686 >> YES. 192 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:16,130 >> Tosh: WE DON'T ALLOW TWO 193 00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,599 DANIELS HERE. 194 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:24,239 >> HEY, BRO, HOUSE IT GOING? 195 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,307 YOU MUST BE THE ILLUSION. 196 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:31,337 DID YOU WRITE IT ON A TACO 197 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:31,854 PAPER? 198 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,575 >> YES. 199 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,111 RECYCLE. 200 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,594 >> Tosh: THAT'S GOLDIN. 201 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,685 WHICH VIDEO WAS THE MOST 202 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:41,248 POPULAR. 203 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,994 >> THE BOWL CUT. 204 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,190 >> Tosh: HOW HOLD IS THE 205 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:46,863 ILLUSION. 206 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:51,100 >> I'M 43 YEARS OLD. 207 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,368 I NEVER KNOW WHO I AM WHEN I 208 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,425 WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. 209 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,603 >> Tosh: WHAT A TYPICAL DAY LIKE 210 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:58,873 IN THE LIFE OF THE ILLUSION. 211 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,612 >> WE GET UP AND JUMP INTO IT 212 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:04,949 WITHOUT A PRECONCEIVED NOTION. 213 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:07,615 >> Tosh: THERE A MRS. ILLUSION. 214 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:10,975 >> NO, SHE'D BE THE HOLOGRAM. 215 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,094 >> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF 216 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,145 THESE ON YOUR HEAD? 217 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,064 I AM ASSURED THAT YOU DON'T. 218 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,726 YOU CAN'T THINK THE BOTTLES ARE 219 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,825 A GOOD IDEA. 220 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,086 >> IT'S AN A FUNCTION BEFORE 221 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:20,633 FASHION ISSUE. 222 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,458 >> Tosh: WHEN YOU'RE AT 223 00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:26,772 BREAKFAST DOES THE ILLUSION GO 224 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,697 BAGEL OR CROISSANT. 225 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,203 >> I DON'T LIKE FOOD. 226 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,814 >> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE 227 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:34,307 COOKIE? 228 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,807 >> OREOS FIND THEMSELVES AS A 229 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,310 PREFERENCE. 230 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,480 >> Tosh: SNICKER DOODLE? 231 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:42,878 >> I GOT FIRST PLACE, SANTA CRUZ 232 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,653 COUNTY FAIR FOR MY SNICKER 233 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:45,552 DOODLE. 234 00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,552 >> Tosh: AND THAT'S NOT ON YOUR 235 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,264 RESUME IN 236 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,755 >> I WAS YOUNG. 237 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,857 >> Tosh: WHERE IS SPACE SHIP 238 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:52,459 EARTH. 239 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,359 >> Reporter: THE ILLUSION 240 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:58,831 REPORTING ON SPACE SHIP EARTH. 241 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,672 >> IT'S A HOLOGRAM WE'RE ALL 242 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,069 EXPERIENCES BUT IT'S A SPACE 243 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:06,310 SHIP JAMMING THROUGH THE SOLAR 244 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:06,866 SYSTEM. 245 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,084 >> Tosh: IF WE DRUG TESTED YOU 246 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:09,906 WOULD YOU PASS? 247 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,140 >> ABSOLUTELY. 248 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,984 >> Tosh: THAT BLEW PEOPLE'S 249 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:13,450 MINDS. 250 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,416 WHAT'S THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF 251 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,115 EDUCATION? 252 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,276 >> COLLEGE BUT I DIDN'T 253 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:17,824 GRADUATE. 254 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:18,648 >> Tosh: WOULD YOU CONSIDER IT'S 255 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,022 A WASTE OF MONEY. 256 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,620 >> I THINK IN TODAY'S SOCIETY 257 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:25,231 IT'S A DEBT. 258 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,485 >> Tosh: IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING 259 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,533 TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW. 260 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,027 WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 261 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:30,760 FIVE YEARS. 262 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:31,464 >> WHOA. 263 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,474 YOU'RE TRIPPING. 264 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,165 I DON'T DO THAT. 265 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,698 THAT'S MY FAVORITE ANSWER I'VE 266 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,174 EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. 267 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,871 YOU JUST GET ELECTIONED 268 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:40,443 PRESIDENT. 269 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,940 WHAT DO YOU DO ON DAY ONE? 270 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,683 >> MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY. 271 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,548 >> Tosh: DO YOU BELIEVE A LOT OF 272 00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:48,947 CONSPIRACY THEORYS. 273 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,479 >> THEY'RE MORE THAN TRUTH AND 274 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,054 REALTIES. 275 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:55,862 THE WORLD'S RAN BY THE NEW WORLD 276 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,556 ORDER LOW FREQUENCY BEINGS 277 00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,457 TRYING TO ZAP OUR ENERGY AND 278 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,059 TRYING TO KEEP US TRAPPED IN THE 279 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:01,731 HOLOGRAM. 280 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:02,459 >> Tosh: GOT IT. 281 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,762 ONE LAST QUESTION, ARE YOU 282 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,374 WILLING TO DO WHATEVER I SAY AND 283 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,236 WORK FOR FREE? 284 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,165 >> OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. 285 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,940 >> Tosh: WELCOME ABOARD YOU'RE 286 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,211 "TOSH.0" NEWEST INTERN. 287 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,748 >> CAN I GET OUT OF THIS SUIT? 288 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,245 MY DAD NEEDS IT FOR HIS JOB 289 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,007 INTERVIEW. 290 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:21,554 >> Tosh: YEAH. 291 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,848 >> I HAD A FAR OUT DREAM. 292 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,751 MY BED TURNED INTO AN EAGLE AND 293 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:27,864 I WAS GETTING TUBE AND I WAS 294 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,255 LIKE WHOA. 295 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:34,356 HELLO, YOU'VE REACHED THE 296 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:34,931 OFFICES. 297 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:35,598 "TOSH.0." 298 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,055 >> Tosh: PICK THOSE UP. 299 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,804 >> GOT YOU THREE GRAMS. 300 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:43,599 GOING ON A WEED RUN. 301 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,273 I GET YOU SOMETHING? 302 00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:48,382 >> HOW ABOUT A GRAM. 303 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,305 I'LL PAY TOMORROW. 304 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:53,179 >> SORRY, NO CASH, NO KUSH. 305 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,280 >> Tosh: THOSE ARE SICK. 306 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,221 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 307 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,946 >> Tosh: HAVE YOU HEARD THE 308 00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:07,593 ILLUSION'S MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY 309 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:08,204 STORY. 310 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,695 >> DON'T EVER MENTION THAT NAME 311 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,356 AROUND ME AGAIN. 312 00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:15,004 THIS SEASON THE WARDROBE WILL BE 313 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:15,642 BOGGLED. 314 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,235 >> Tosh: I TOLD YOU TO WALK MY 315 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:17,697 DOG. 316 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,274 >> ON IT. 317 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,582 THIS IS MY LATEST INVENTION. 318 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,705 THE SCOOP TO PICK UP THE 319 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:25,281 BISCUITS. 320 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,448 DON'T THINK OF STEALING THIS 321 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,147 IDEA. 322 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:28,448 HOWDY. 323 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,548 >> HOW'D YOU GET IN THERE? 324 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,149 >> I KNOW, RIGHT. 325 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,651 >> HARSH. 326 00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,593 >> THE ILLUSION'S GIVING OUT NEW 327 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,459 HAIR CUTS. 328 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,087 >> WE'RE DOING THE TRADITIONAL 329 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,303 BOWL CUT WHICH IS SLIGHTLY 330 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,225 CROOKED AND MAYBE A CHUNK OUT OF 331 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,971 THE BANGS THAT ISN'T RIGHT AND 332 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,266 START CUTTING AND MAKE IT INTO A 333 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:48,838 BOWL. 334 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,966 >> YOU EYE-BALL IT. 335 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:55,511 >> YEAH. 336 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,848 IT WILL GROW OUT. 337 00:12:58,846 --> 00:12:59,246 3:15. 338 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,106 THAT'S IT FOR ME. 339 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,353 I'M POOPED. 340 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:05,418 >> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE BOWL 341 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:05,848 CUT? 342 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:11,123 >> MA NANA. 343 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,864 >> Tosh: WHAT'D YOU THINK OF THE 344 00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:14,461 ILLUSION. 345 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,101 >> WHAT? 346 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,425 YOU'VE BEEN ACTING WEIRD ALL 347 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:16,859 DAY. 348 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,604 >> Tosh: YOU MEAN THE ILLUSION 349 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:21,499 IS AN ILLUSION? 350 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,701 IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO MYSELF 351 00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:25,442 RIGHT NOW. 352 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:26,868 >> NO, GET OFF ME. 353 00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:33,584 >> I GOT IT. 354 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:40,690 >> Tosh: OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS. 355 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,287 THE ILLUSION JUST SHOT MY 356 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,290 GIRLFRIEND IN THE FACE. 357 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,102 IF YOU'RE AT HOME THAT'S OUR 358 00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,725 SECOND DAVID FINCHER PARODY TO 359 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,370 DATE BUT FIRST, BEST FRIENDS 360 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,025 SHOULDN'T PEE ON EACH OTHER. 361 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:58,814 >> HI, HOW ARE YOU? 362 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:05,145 >> HE'S PEEING ON YOU. 363 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:09,675 >> WAS HE REALLY? 364 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:15,292 [LAUGHTER] 365 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,928 [***] 366 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:21,726 >> SEXUALITY IS NOT INNATE. 367 00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:25,598 IT'S NOT A GENETIC TRAIT 368 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,368 YOU CAN'T REPLICATE THE LOVE 369 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,937 BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN. 370 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:35,939 HOMOSEXUALITY IS A POISON THAT 371 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,343 INTOXICATES THE MIND. 372 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:41,554 A MALE IT MALE CONTACT IS THE 373 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,948 HIGHEST RATE OF HIV CASES AND TO 374 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,292 ADVOCATE FOR THIS LIFESTYLE IS 375 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,287 CONSIDERED LOVE AND TO GO 376 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,819 AGAINST IT IT'S LABELLED HATE. 377 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,633 THEY DON'T SEE WHAT'S AT STAKE 378 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,256 UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE. 379 00:14:56,263 --> 00:15:00,273 >> Tosh: I MISS INXS. 380 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,337 IT WAS SUFFOCATE BEFORE THAT? 381 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,265 IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I 382 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,111 DROPPED THE TRACK BUT I'M NOT 383 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:09,006 TOO BIG TO GET DIRTY IN THE 384 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:11,439 WOODS AND IN THE NAME OF CIVIL 385 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,084 RIGHTS. 386 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,879 PUT DOWN MY HEADPHONES. 387 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,580 I KNOW I'M NOT WEARING 388 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,294 HEADPHONES. 389 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:24,415 JUST TURN -- HERE WE GO. 390 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,764 [***] 391 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:34,129 >> Tosh: THIS IS RATED M FOR 392 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,204 MASTURBATE. 393 00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:37,242 DON'T TRY TO RHYME WHILE YOU 394 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,137 DISCRIMINATE. 395 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,138 YOU SOUND LIKE STEPHEN A. SMITH 396 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,870 TRYING TO ANNUNCIATE. 397 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,314 THOSE WHO VOTED YET ON PROP 8 398 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:50,021 MAKE ME IRATE. 399 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,677 QUEER WILL COHABITATE LIKE YOU 400 00:15:51,684 --> 00:16:02,104 WILL MENSTRUATE GAY GUYS 401 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,855 EXFOLIATE AND USE COLGATE SO 402 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,474 KNOCK OFF WITH THE HATE. 403 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,296 AT LEAST THEY CAN'T KILL BABIES 404 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:14,613 BEFORE THEY'RE DUE DATE. 405 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,337 MEN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO 406 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:21,654 TITILLATE EACH OTHER'S PROSTATE. 407 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,378 WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO 408 00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:24,623 WE PENETRATE. 409 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,117 AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA 410 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:26,719 GREAT. 411 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,119 SEEMS LIKE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR 412 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,422 [BLEEP] BY SAME-SEX DATE. 413 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,234 BY THE WAY, YOU RICKY LAKE I DID 414 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:44,567 MY RAP IN ONE TAKE. 415 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:45,741 MACKLEMORE AND I WILL BE 416 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:49,078 PERFORMING THAT LIVE AT 417 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:49,836 BONNAROO. 418 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,742 THERE WILL BE NO VIDEO TONIGHT 419 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,654 INSTEAD I'M GIVING THE GIFT OF 420 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,606 TODD GLASS. 421 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,624 HEY, HIS PRANK SHOW IS 422 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,086 EVERYBODY'S FOURTH FAVORITE 423 00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:01,645 SEGMENT THAT DOESN'T STAR ME. 424 00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:08,164 >> IT'S REALLY BAD. 425 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,701 [ SIRENS WAILING ] 426 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,528 >> [BLEEP]'S THIS? 427 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,003 THE MILLION MAN MARCH. 428 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,271 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER IN THE 429 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:16,739 CAR. 430 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,266 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR PUT YOUR 431 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,942 HANDS AGAINST THE CAR. 432 00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:22,640 I'M NOT [BLEEP]ING AROUND. 433 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,182 SHUT UP, THIS ISN'T A MOVIE 434 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,108 THEATRE, ARSENIO. 435 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:30,683 ANDRE 3,000 PUT YOUR HANDS ON 436 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,123 THE CAR. 437 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,219 LOOK AT THIS ASHY MOTHER 438 00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:34,921 [BLEEP]. 439 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,221 HOW MANY MINUTES YOU GOT ON 440 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,523 HERE? 441 00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,234 SHOULDN'T YOU BE DRINKING 442 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,226 SOMETHING PURPLE? 443 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,357 >> WHAT YOU SAY? 444 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:46,872 >> THIS JUST GOT REAL DIDN'T IT? 445 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:52,136 YOU GOT SOME DUMB [BLEEP]. 446 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,239 YOU'RE ON THE TODD GLASS SHOW. 447 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,481 I SMOKE TOO MUCH POT TO BE A 448 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,775 REAL COP. 449 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:02,217 YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON 450 00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,145 YOUR FACES. 451 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:06,790 A REAL COP WOULDN'T EVEN WORK IN 452 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,486 THE AREA. 453 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,217 IT'S UNINCORPORATED. 454 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:12,833 THINK HIM STUPID ENOUGH TO 455 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,385 HARASS THREE BLACK GUYS. 456 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:17,264 THINK I'M A DUMB COP I'M GOING 457 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,334 RISK MY LIFE FOR STRANGERS? 458 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:24,442 I WOULDN'T MAKE A BULLET MORE MY 459 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:24,897 MOM. 460 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:25,944 GOOD TIMES, HUH. 461 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:30,078 GOOD TIMES. 462 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,406 >> TODD GLASS'S AWFUL PRANK 463 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:32,912 SHOW. 464 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:37,482 >> Tosh: IT'S IMPORTANT TO TODD 465 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,794 I MAKE IT CLEAR HE LOVES ALL 466 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:46,487 BLACK PEOPLE BUT STILL NOT SO 467 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:52,233 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 468 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,602 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 469 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,941 FOR MARCH MADNESS I HAVE MIAMI 470 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,666 MAKING IT TO THE ELITE EIGHT. 471 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,612 WE HAVE THIS WE HAVE REDEMPTION. 472 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,438 >> WE'RE GOING TALK ABOUT 473 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:05,114 MIDGETS. 474 00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,511 THEY HAVE TO GO TO THEIR OWN 475 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,524 MIDGET PRISON BECAUSE THEY CAN 476 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:11,847 FIT THROUGH THE BARS. 477 00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:12,921 >> Tosh: THAT'S HIGHLY 478 00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:13,319 OFFENSIVE. 479 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,920 HOW ARE THEY GOING TO SLIP 480 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:15,891 THROUGH THE BARS. 481 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,888 LITTLE PEOPLE HAVE SLIGHTLY TO 482 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,830 NORMAL SIZED HEAD DEPENDING ON 483 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:25,057 THEIR DWARFISM. 484 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:29,044 KEEP UP ON OUR BLOG AND SEE ME 485 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:32,635 ON THE JUNE GLOOM SHOW WITH 486 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:33,939 JARROD MAR MICHAEL. 487 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,710 THAT'S A CUPCAKE. 488 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:41,780 A CINNAMON CUPCAKE FROM 489 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,151 SPRINKLES THEY'RE VERY MOIST AND 490 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:46,249 FOLLOW THE ACTUAL ME ON TWITTER. 491 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,463 THERE ARE IMPOSTERS. 492 00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,415 IT'S NOT A PARODY IF THEY'RE 493 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,323 DONE THIS POORLY. 494 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,164 I USE MY LIKENESS AND ESSENCE. 495 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,059 WHATEVER THAT IS. 496 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:54,890 THAT'S CRIMINAL. 497 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:59,334 THIS PHONY WRITES I'M NOT DANIEL 498 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,472 TOSH BUT FUNNIER. 499 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,067 THOSE ARE BIG WORDS. 500 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:06,269 IF MONDAYS WERE SHOES THEY'D BE 501 00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:06,713 CROC. 502 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,976 NOT SO EASY, IS IT? 503 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,505 100,000 OF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH 504 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:14,510 TO BELIEVE THIS HACK IS ME? 505 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,584 HERE WE HAVE UNDERSCORE DANNY 506 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:20,524 TOSH UNDERSCORE. 507 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,320 THAT'S ONE I FOUGHT GET. 508 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:22,992 LITTLE LATE TO THE GAME. 509 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:24,689 YOU KNOW IT'S NOT ME BECAUSE 510 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,191 HE'S FOLLOWING 40,000 PEOPLE. 511 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:29,202 I STRUGGLE FOLLOWING 89 AND I 512 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:32,465 WANT TO KILL HALF OF THEM FOR 513 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,095 RETWEETING EVERY TIME SOMEONE 514 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,100 PAYS THEM A COMPLIMENT. 515 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:39,912 ONE SAID I'M NOT DANIEL TOSH SO 516 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,136 SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP. 517 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,780 YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW I MADE 518 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,805 THE ASSUMPTION. 519 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,911 WE LOOK SIMILAR. 520 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:47,883 THE TOSH MEISTER? 521 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,550 SENT ONE OUT THREE YEARS AGO. 522 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,549 MY PROBLEM IS THERE ARE 17,000 523 00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:53,291 PEOPLE FOLLOWING THIS FRAUD 524 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,516 SAYING I WISH DANIEL TOSH WOULD 525 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,392 TWEET MORE 526 00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,819 I DON'T MEAN TO TAKE EXTREME 527 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,694 MEASURES BUT I BLOCKED YOU AND 528 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,862 REPORTED YOU AS SPAM. 529 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:01,690 TAKE THAT. 530 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,504 TOMORROW'S WINNING LOTTERY 531 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:08,836 NUMBERS ARE 10, 18, 19, 41, 23, 532 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,135 49'S YOUR POWERBALL. 533 00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:10,466 GOOD NIGHT 33184

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.