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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:37,370 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 2 00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:39,997 [CHEERING] 3 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,100 >> Tosh: THAT COULD HAVE BEEN 4 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:43,330 SETTLED WITH A DANCE-OFF. 5 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:43,933 [LAUGHTER] 6 00:00:43,933 --> 00:00:44,773 >> Tosh: WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 7 00:00:44,767 --> 00:00:46,427 AT THIS POINT IF YOU'RE NOT 8 00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:47,803 WEARING CASHMERE YOU'RE NOT A 9 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:48,730 TRUE FAN. 10 00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,033 PERHAPS A CHEAPER SHOW WOULD BE 11 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,603 MORE TO YOU'RE LIKING. 12 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,630 MIGHT I SUGGEST HOUSE OF CARDS. 13 00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,073 THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE DOESN'T 14 00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:56,327 MATTER BECAUSE IT'S SOME WHERE 15 00:00:56,333 --> 00:00:58,033 IN THE UNITED KINGDOM. 16 00:00:58,033 --> 00:00:59,273 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I CHECK 17 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:02,627 FEMALE VENTRILOQUIST OFF MY LIST 18 00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:05,773 AND TEE UP NA NA NA NA BOO BOO 19 00:01:05,767 --> 00:01:08,327 AND THE HARLEM SHAKES VIDEO THAT 20 00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:09,933 STARTED IT ALL AND NOW LET'S 21 00:01:09,933 --> 00:01:11,473 WATCH THE SOUTH MEMPHIS HIGH 22 00:01:11,467 --> 00:01:12,597 DEBATE TEAM IN ACTION. 23 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,900 ALL RIGHT, PAUSE IT. 24 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,470 I'LL BE KOBE AND YOU BE DWIGHT 25 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:19,297 HOWARD. 26 00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,800 I WISH I CAN COULD DO THAT TO 27 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,530 MARIO LOPEZ'S TIGHT LITTLE REAR. 28 00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:27,103 HE'LL PROBABLY GET A SHOE DEAL 29 00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,270 OUT OF THIS. 30 00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:30,167 KEEP UP THE HIJINKS AND YOU'LL 31 00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:32,567 HAVE TO MOVE WITH YOUR AUNTIE 32 00:01:32,567 --> 00:01:34,767 AND UNCLE IN BELAIR. 33 00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:36,797 YES, YOU CAN BRING YOUR BUDDY 34 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:37,930 JAZZ. 35 00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:40,303 I VOLUNTEER AT THAT CAFETERIA 36 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,930 ONCE A MONTH. 37 00:01:41,933 --> 00:01:46,833 >> HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOS. 38 00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:49,703 OOH, FORGET YOUR GRAVY. 39 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:53,770 [LAUGHTER] 40 00:01:53,767 --> 00:01:55,597 >> Tosh: KEEP IT ON THE 41 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,070 HUSH-HUSH BUT WE SERVE PONY MEAT 42 00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:57,897 ON THURSDAYS. 43 00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,900 THE NEXT ONE GOES OUT TO THE TOE 44 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:00,730 HOUNDS. 45 00:02:00,733 --> 00:02:02,073 THAT'S MEMBERS OF THE FOOT 46 00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:02,727 FETISH COMMUNITY. 47 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:04,203 MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF 48 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,770 LUBE AND A BOX OF KLEENEX WITHIN 49 00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:13,467 REACH. 50 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,767 >> GO BACK. 51 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:15,167 OH. 52 00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,467 >> I'M OUT. 53 00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:18,127 NO, I'M OUT. 54 00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,533 >> Tosh: NOTHING A VIETMANESE 55 00:02:19,533 --> 00:02:21,203 LADY AND A LITTLE PUMICE CAN'T 56 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,370 FIX. 57 00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,797 >> HAVE YOU TO WAIT LIKE TWO 58 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,200 MORE FORTNIGHT. 59 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,970 >> Tosh: TWO FORTNIGHTS? 60 00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:31,367 TAKE IT EASY, SHAKESPEARE. 61 00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:32,897 HE'S NOT GOING LEAVE IT HANGING 62 00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,130 ON THERE FOR ANOTHER 28 DAYS 63 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:39,603 I DID THE MATH FOR YOU GUYS. 64 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:41,070 THAT'S WHERE ALL THE NUTRIENTS 65 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:41,527 ARE. 66 00:02:41,533 --> 00:02:42,773 YOU WANT TO SAVE THAT. 67 00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:45,467 IT WILL MAKE A NICE BILLFOLD. 68 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:46,467 NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE 69 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:47,497 DISGUSTING AROUND HERE. 70 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,830 THE SHOW HAS RANGE. 71 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:54,603 [LAUGHTER] 72 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,570 >> Tosh: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT 73 00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:58,597 THING? 74 00:02:58,600 --> 00:02:59,870 KRISTIN CHENOWITH? 75 00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,367 MY DOG WOULD LOVE TO CHEW ON 76 00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:02,297 WHATEVER IT IS. 77 00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,070 YOU'RE ADORABLE BUT I'M STILL 78 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:07,567 PUTTING YOU IN MY POTION. 79 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,297 [LAUGHTER] 80 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:12,970 >> Tosh: BETTER THAN THE 81 00:03:12,967 --> 00:03:14,397 HIGH-PITCHED GARBAGE TIMBERLAKE 82 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,100 JUST PUT OUT. 83 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,470 THE NEXT LADY MAY NOT BE AFRAID 84 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,367 OF HEIGHTS. 85 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,297 MAYBE SHE'S AFRAID OF REALLY 86 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:26,230 PRETTY VIEWS. 87 00:03:26,233 --> 00:03:37,503 [ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] 88 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,870 >> Tosh: VAIL JUST ISN'T THE 89 00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:40,127 EXCLUSIVE WINTER GETAWAY IT USED 90 00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:45,873 TO BE. 91 00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:47,467 GONDOLA'S THE MOST MAJESTIC WAY 92 00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:50,897 TO SNEAK ACROSS THE BORDER. 93 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,100 WHAT'S MORE DISTRACTING HER 94 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,830 SCREAMING OR HER TART LEMONY 95 00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:57,103 CAMEL TOE? 96 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,630 I WONDER WHAT'S GOT HER SO 97 00:03:58,633 --> 00:04:02,433 WORKED UP. 98 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:04,633 [LAUGHTER] 99 00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:08,073 >> Tosh: THAT MAKES SENSE. 100 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:10,267 JIM CARREY SAYS YET TO THAT 101 00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:11,467 PIECE OF [BLEEP] AND NO TO DUMB 102 00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:12,797 AND DUMBER 2. 103 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,800 THIS NEXT KID IS GOING TO SLEEP 104 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,730 LIKE AN ANGEL TONIGHT AFTER 105 00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:17,573 BREATHING SO MUCH DUMP TRUCK 106 00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:25,167 EXHAUST. 107 00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:30,727 [LAUGHTER] 108 00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:32,333 >> Tosh: COME ON, OPRAH, WOULD 109 00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,503 IT KILL YOU TO SPRING FOR A 110 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:37,100 COUPLE SCHOOL BUSSES TOO? 111 00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:38,470 HIS PARENTS JUST NEED HIM TO 112 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:41,197 HANG ON UNTIL THE HONOR ROLL 113 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,100 BUMPER STICKER COMES IN THE 114 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,300 MAIL. 115 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:49,500 I KNOW IT'S THE LIFE BLOOD OF 116 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,770 THE SHOW BUT PUT DOWN THE GOPRO 117 00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,527 AND OFFER HIM A RIDE. 118 00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:54,633 SEE I HAVE A HEART. 119 00:04:54,633 --> 00:04:56,233 I DON'T WANT HIM LATE FOR HIS 120 00:04:56,233 --> 00:04:57,503 AFTER-SCHOOL MINING JOB. 121 00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,700 HOW ELSE WILL HE BUY HIS YOUNGER 122 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,430 BROTHER'S FREEDOM FROM THE 123 00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:02,973 MILITIA. 124 00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:14,397 WHAT'S NEXT? 125 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,070 [LAUGHTER] 126 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,067 >> Tosh: BEING A WHITE BOXER'S 127 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,067 LIKE BEING A REPUBLICAN. 128 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:21,067 NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK 129 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,397 YOU'LL ALWAYS LOSE BECAUSE OF 130 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,800 THE MEXICANS. 131 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,830 NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE BARRAGE IN 132 00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,073 THE GARAGE. 133 00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:29,897 LET'S GET READY TO BREAKDOWN! 134 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:33,170 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 135 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,897 >> Tosh: NOT AN OUNCE OF FAT ON 136 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:38,470 HIS 14-YEAR-OLD BODY. 137 00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,597 WHAT WEIGHT CLASS IS HE IN? 138 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,570 FEMALE? 139 00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,667 HE BOXES SHADOW BUT HE'S TOO 140 00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:46,767 SCRAWNY TO CAST ONE. 141 00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:49,167 I'M KNOT NO FREDDY ROACH BUT I 142 00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,667 THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH SLACK ON 143 00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,327 THE FEED BAG OR HE'S TRAINING 144 00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,933 FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT TETHER 145 00:05:53,933 --> 00:05:58,073 BALL MATCH OF HIS LIFE. 146 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,767 [LAUGHTER] 147 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,767 >> Tosh: YOU TELEGRAPH THAT 148 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:03,227 KICK. 149 00:06:03,233 --> 00:06:04,603 TRY TO RIVER DANCE BEFORE YOU 150 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:05,230 STRIKE. 151 00:06:05,233 --> 00:06:06,603 THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THAT 152 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,130 COMING. 153 00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,133 THAT'S WHY IT'S COMMITTED TO 154 00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:09,173 TAPE TO VIEW IT AND IRON OUT 155 00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,927 YOUR FLAWS. 156 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:18,373 [LAUGHTER] 157 00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:21,697 >> Tosh: LET THIS SERVE AS A 158 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:22,970 REMINDER TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD 159 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:23,667 BULLIES IF YOU WANT TO TAKE 160 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:24,397 SOMEBODY'S LUNCH MONEY, THAT'S 161 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:24,770 YOUR GUY. 162 00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:25,497 EVERY BOXER GETS BRAIN DAMAGE AT 163 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,170 DIFFERENT STAGES IN THEIR 164 00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,567 CAREER. 165 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,627 WHAT KIND OF KNOT DID YOU TIE 166 00:06:30,633 --> 00:06:32,973 THAT WITH? 167 00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:33,397 BOW? 168 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,900 THE QUEEN OF KNOTS. 169 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:37,570 LEAVE THE ROPE. 170 00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:39,967 YOUR DAD'S GOING TO NEED TO HANG 171 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,967 HIMSELF FROM EMBARRASSMENT. 172 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,497 I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE 173 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:46,730 PUNCHING BACK ON ITS FIRST 174 00:06:46,733 --> 00:06:47,773 RECORDED VICTORY. 175 00:06:47,767 --> 00:07:07,227 WE'LL BE BACK TO REDEEM THE 176 00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:08,173 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 177 00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,327 >> HI, EVERYBODY. 178 00:07:09,333 --> 00:07:11,573 MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY 179 00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:12,867 LITTLE BUDDY CHARLIE. 180 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,127 >> I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND. 181 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:15,303 >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OF COURSE 182 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,070 I'M YOUR FRIEND. 183 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,527 >> NO YOU'RE NOT. 184 00:07:20,533 --> 00:07:22,633 >> CHARLIE, YOUR NOT EXACTLY THE 185 00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:23,933 BEST TEAMMATE IN THE WORLD EVER. 186 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:25,703 >> YOU SHOULD TALK. 187 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,770 >> YOU PUT YOUR HAND UP MY -- 188 00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:49,497 >> UM. 189 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:57,870 >> NO. 190 00:07:57,867 --> 00:08:03,197 >> UM, I'M JUST GONNA -- 191 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,470 >> Tosh: MAYBE SHE'S SAVING HER 192 00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,397 BEST STUFF FOR THE ENCORE. 193 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:13,270 I'M GLAD HE WASN'T AS SUCCESSFUL 194 00:08:13,267 --> 00:08:17,067 AS SCRUBBING FROM THE INTERNET 195 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,597 AND THE ONLY WAY HER LIFE WOULD 196 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,070 HAVE GOTTEN WORSE IS IF SHE WAS 197 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:27,297 GOOD ENOUGH TO BECOME A 198 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:28,930 PROFESSIONAL VENTRILOQUIST. 199 00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:31,833 IT'S A CAREER FOR PEOPLE WHO 200 00:08:31,833 --> 00:08:34,333 KNOW THEY'RE NOT FUNNY. 201 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:44,303 BEING SCARED FROM THE DUMMY. 202 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:51,070 YOU WATCH THEIR NECK HAVE A 203 00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:51,597 SEIZURE. 204 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,230 NOW COME JEFF DUNHAM IS THE BEST 205 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,833 AND DOESN'T KNOW TO WEAR A 206 00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:58,403 TUTTLE NECK. 207 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:05,530 CAREER DOT COM HAS PUPPETEER AS 208 00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:06,373 A TOP JOB. 209 00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,727 THE MUPPETS ARE SATANIC. 210 00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:10,303 ACCORDING TO THE BOOK OF 211 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:10,930 REVELATION. 212 00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:14,273 WHEN PIGS LAY WITH FROGS IT'S A 213 00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:17,567 SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE BUT IF 214 00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,367 CANDICE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP 215 00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:26,267 WITH HER HAND I'D LIKE TO WATCH 216 00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:27,497 SO I FLEW HER TO L.A. 217 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,930 >> IT'S ME, CANDICE. 218 00:09:30,933 --> 00:09:34,673 >> Tosh: CANDICE, I'M AN OLD 219 00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,467 PUPPET MAKER. 220 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:45,327 LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU. 221 00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:45,703 OH. 222 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:46,070 WHOA. 223 00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:49,897 YOUR TITTIES ARE SO BIG. 224 00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:50,800 SIT DOWN. 225 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,530 WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MY LATEST 226 00:09:52,533 --> 00:09:53,073 CREATION. 227 00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,497 I CALL HIM LITTLE DANNY. 228 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,900 LITTLE DANNY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS 229 00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:03,800 WHAT GROWS WHEN HE TELLS A LIE. 230 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,000 YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. 231 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,500 I THINK YOU'RE LYING TO ME, 232 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:08,100 DANNY. 233 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,300 OH, I HOPE HE TURNS INTO A REAL 234 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,630 BOY SOON. 235 00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:15,333 I'M GETTING SO MANY SPLINTERS 236 00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:18,533 AROUND MY B HOLE. 237 00:10:18,533 --> 00:10:20,633 ARE YOU A VENTRILOQUIST? 238 00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:23,073 >> YES, BUT NOT VERY GOOD ANY 239 00:10:23,067 --> 00:10:23,597 MORE. 240 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,930 >> WERE YOU GOOD THEN? 241 00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:27,803 >> AT THE LAST MINUTE THEY SAID 242 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,400 MY SCRIPT WAS TOO RANCHY AND 243 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:39,770 SAID I TO CHANGE IT. 244 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,027 >> Tosh: CLEAN JOKES ARE JUST 245 00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:41,573 STUPID. 246 00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:42,967 WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR PUPPET? 247 00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:45,027 >> CHARLIE. 248 00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:48,103 >> Tosh: WHEN'S THE LAST TIME 249 00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,700 YOU BROUGHT HIM OUT. 250 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,570 DO YOU REMEMBER THE JOKES. 251 00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:55,867 >> THAT HIS BOX WAS OLDER THAN 252 00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:59,497 BETTY WHITE'S BOX. 253 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,370 NOT SCHOOL APPROPRIATE. 254 00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:02,597 >> Tosh: WHAT ARE OTHER VOICES 255 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,300 YOU DO? 256 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:11,270 >> I CAN DO AN ITALIAN ACCENT. 257 00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:12,827 >> Tosh: LATE ME HEAR IT. 258 00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:15,933 >> LIKE A GUY IN THE CARTOON. 259 00:11:15,933 --> 00:11:18,303 >> Tosh: MEXICAN? 260 00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:23,370 >> NACHOS. 261 00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,867 >> MAYBE THEIR PISSED. 262 00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:27,427 >> Tosh: NO, THEY CAN'T. 263 00:11:27,433 --> 00:11:29,233 THEY'RE HERE ILLEGALLY IN THE 264 00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:31,803 FIRST PLACE WHAT WERE SOME 265 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,570 COMMENTS. 266 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,527 >> SOME WERE NICE AND SOME WERE 267 00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:35,533 EXTREMELY NASTY. 268 00:11:35,533 --> 00:11:36,673 >> Tosh: SORRY ABOUT THOSE. 269 00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:37,897 I WAS BORED. 270 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,570 ARE YOU IN SCHOOL NOW? 271 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:40,397 >> IN COLLEGE. 272 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,930 >> Tosh: DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU 273 00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:44,433 FROM THE VIDEO STILL? 274 00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:45,933 >> NO, THANK HEAVEN. 275 00:11:45,933 --> 00:11:48,533 I NOTICED TWO THINGS ABOUT YOU. 276 00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:53,203 HAVE YOUR BREASTS GOTTEN LARGER? 277 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,600 >> YES. 278 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,800 [LAUGHTER] 279 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,270 >> Tosh: IS THAT THE LAST TIME 280 00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,697 YOU PERFORMED? 281 00:11:58,700 --> 00:11:59,770 >> YES, FIRST. 282 00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,797 >> Tosh: FIRST AND LAST? 283 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,530 >> YES. 284 00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:03,833 >> Tosh: I GOT YOU PERFORMING AT 285 00:12:03,833 --> 00:12:13,073 THE ONLY VENUE FOR UNCENSORED 286 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:13,767 VENTRILOQUISM. 287 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,767 >> ISN'T THAT ONLY FOR THE BLACK 288 00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:17,527 VENTRILOQUISTS? 289 00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:19,973 >> Tosh: AND ONES THAT LIKE TO 290 00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:24,197 ACT BLACK. 291 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:32,770 >> YEAH! 292 00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:34,327 >> Tosh: WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE 293 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:37,533 ABLE TO HEAR THE SHOW. 294 00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:42,103 >> WELCOME TO DEAF VENTRILOQUIST 295 00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:42,570 JAM. 296 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:47,267 I'M YOUR HOST JAR MAR DENHAM. 297 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,297 >> Tosh: YEAH, MY FRIEND, 298 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:49,870 CANDICE. 299 00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,667 >> LITTLE TYLER PERRY. 300 00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:54,427 >> WE HAVE A LOT OF [BLEEP] IN 301 00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:55,303 HERE TONIGHT. 302 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,070 I'M NOT GAY. 303 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,167 NO ONE SAID YOU WERE GAY. 304 00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:57,927 THEY WERE THINKING IT. 305 00:12:57,933 --> 00:12:59,103 I CAN TELL. 306 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:04,070 I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY. 307 00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:04,667 KNOCK-KNOCK. 308 00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:05,427 >> WHO'S THERE? 309 00:13:05,433 --> 00:13:07,633 >> MY UNCLE. 310 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:09,133 >> MY UNCLE WHO? 311 00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:14,703 >> MY UNCLE WHO MOLESTED ME. 312 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,530 >> Tosh: THAT'S PERSONAL. 313 00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:19,973 HE SHARED THAT WITH OPRAH. 314 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,527 >> WE'RE DIFFERENT. 315 00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:24,803 >> BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE AND 316 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:25,370 BLACK. 317 00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:27,067 >> NO, BECAUSE SHE KISSED A 318 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,797 GIRL. 319 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:33,530 I'M NO TYLER PERRY. 320 00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:34,633 >> Tosh: HE STALLED ON THAT ONE. 321 00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:38,773 >> READY TO SEE THE YOUR NEXT 322 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,167 VENTRILOQUIST. 323 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,097 RAISE YOUR MOTHER [BLEEP] PUPPET 324 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:42,870 HAND IN THE AIR AND MAKE IT SAY 325 00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:44,067 YEAH. 326 00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:47,397 THIS IS ONLY HER SECOND 327 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,130 PERFORMANCE. 328 00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:50,303 GIVE IT UP FOR SOME WHITE CHICK. 329 00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:58,500 DEEJAY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC. 330 00:13:58,500 --> 00:13:59,900 >> Tosh: WE'RE NOT DOING IT FOR 331 00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:00,670 THIS ONE? 332 00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,067 OKAY. 333 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,567 >> HI, EVERYBODY. 334 00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:07,967 MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY 335 00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:13,367 BOYFRIEND DUANE. 336 00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:14,767 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOST 337 00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:15,467 ABOUT YOU? 338 00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:16,697 >> MY EYES. 339 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,800 MY SENSE OF HUMOR. 340 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,600 >> NO, YOUR CREDIT, BITCH. 341 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,870 >> I'LL LET YOU SMELL HER 342 00:14:24,867 --> 00:14:26,627 FINGERS AFTER THE SHOW. 343 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,733 SOMETIMES I WONDER WHICH ONE OF 344 00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,073 US IS THE REAL DUMMY. 345 00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:32,227 YOU FOR THINKING I'LL STILL BE 346 00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:34,103 WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAVE MY BABY 347 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:42,230 YOU UGLY LOOKING CRACKER. 348 00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,233 >> Tosh: THAT PUPPET IS CRAY. 349 00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:49,433 >> SHUT UP AND GET ME PIE. 350 00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,603 >> THIS GIRL SAYS THE N WORD 351 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,730 WHEN SHE'S ALONE. 352 00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,303 >> Tosh: THIS IS NOT THE CANDICE 353 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:57,630 I KNOW. 354 00:14:57,633 --> 00:15:02,133 >> TAKE MY PANTS OFF MY BIG 355 00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,873 WOODEN DICK. 356 00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:11,827 WHO'S YOUR MOM AND DAD IN A 357 00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:13,373 GLASS OF MILK. 358 00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,627 GET OUT OF HERE YOU WHITE PIECE 359 00:15:14,633 --> 00:15:25,903 OF [BLEEP]. 360 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:28,830 >> Tosh: WELL DONE, CANDICE. 361 00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:29,733 NOW DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR 362 00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:30,603 TITS. 363 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,430 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 364 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:39,533 STANDING UP HERE READING FROM A 365 00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,073 PROMPTER ISN'T AS -- 366 00:15:42,067 --> 00:16:04,467 [ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] 367 00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:11,127 >> THREE, TWO, ONE. 368 00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:15,603 >> OH! 369 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,700 >> Tosh: I GUESS YOU CAN DO 370 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:22,530 WHATEVER YOU WANT IN AUGUSTA 371 00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:25,073 SINCE THEY LET CONDI IN. 372 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,627 IT'S TIME RICH WHITE GUYS GET A 373 00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:28,103 BREAK. 374 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,270 THEY HAVE TRUST FUNDS BUT THE 375 00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:34,367 GUY WHO TOOK OUT BIN LADEN IS 376 00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:34,967 PENNILESS? 377 00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:36,697 GOOD JOB, AMERICA. 378 00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:41,370 THEY MUST HAVE GOTTEN POLOS FROM 379 00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:42,827 JOSEPH A. BANK. 380 00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:49,373 ANY GUY CAN BALL GOLF. 381 00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:53,867 TIME FOR I'M BETTER THAN YOU, 382 00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:56,667 NA-NA NA-NA BOO BOO, STICK YOUR 383 00:16:56,667 --> 00:17:00,497 HEAD IN DOO-DOO. 384 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,470 FOR THE RECORD WE HAT ONE MORE 385 00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,897 PERSON THAN THEY DID AND THE 386 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,970 REASONAB 387 00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:11,527 REASON I WASN'T STANDING NEXT TO 388 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:16,303 THEM IS IS BECAUSE I'M A LEFTY. 389 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,530 RESEARCH SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO 390 00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:20,073 SEND IN VIDEOS LIKE WATCHING 391 00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:20,527 THEM. 392 00:17:20,533 --> 00:17:22,833 >> I'M THE BABYSITTER. 393 00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,503 >> I LIKE BABIES. 394 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,870 >> I HAVE GAMES PLANNED. 395 00:17:26,867 --> 00:17:27,867 IN THE BOTTLE. 396 00:17:27,867 --> 00:17:30,227 TRUTH OR DARE. 397 00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:31,073 DARES ONLY. 398 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,827 WE'RE GOING END THE NIGHT ON 399 00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:35,833 SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN AGAIN. 400 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,103 NO, EIGHT MINUTES IN HEAVEN. 401 00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:40,430 THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO END ANY 402 00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:41,503 NIGHT, RIGHT. 403 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:42,670 WHERE'S YOUR BABIES? 404 00:17:42,667 --> 00:17:43,567 IT WILL BE FINE. 405 00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:45,097 YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME. 406 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:49,130 I DO HAVE HERPES. 407 00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,573 WHERE ARE YOUR BABIES SO I CAN 408 00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,967 SIT ON THEM. 409 00:17:52,967 --> 00:17:53,667 GET THAT? 410 00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,797 A BABYSITTER. 411 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,700 >> Tosh: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED 412 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,130 TO DO? 413 00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:58,833 NOT GO TO DINNER. 414 00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:01,073 THEY HAVE RESERVATIONS. 415 00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:02,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF 416 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:02,327 THE CLINIC. 417 00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:17,197 >> Tosh: HEY, GUYS, I'M WELL 418 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,070 AWARE YOU THINK I'M GETTING TO 419 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,297 BIG FOR MY BRITCHES SO IT'S 420 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,370 APPROPRIATE TO REMIND YOU OF THE 421 00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,467 MISSION STATEMENT IN OUR OFFICE 422 00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:29,697 BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE DAY ONE. 423 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,300 CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP 424 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,070 SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN 425 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:39,597 18-34 LAUGH AND CRINGE AT THE 426 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,230 LOWEST PRICE POINT ONE DAY I CAN 427 00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:43,733 PURCHASE AN ISLAND. 428 00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:46,073 NOTHING MORE, NOTHING ELSE. 429 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:48,497 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I RETAIN 430 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:54,370 THIS STEALTHY NINJA. 431 00:18:54,367 --> 00:19:02,867 [LAUGHTER] 432 00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:04,067 >> Tosh: HEY, GUYS. 433 00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,127 I'M WELL AWARE YOU THINK I'M 434 00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:08,533 GETTING TOO BIG FOR MY BRITCHES 435 00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:10,173 SO REMINDING YOU OF THE MISSION 436 00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,397 STATEMENT THAT HANGS IN OUR 437 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,670 OFFICE AND HAS BEEN THE GUIDING 438 00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,227 PRINCIPLE BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE 439 00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:16,073 DAY ONE. 440 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:19,527 CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP 441 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,073 SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN 442 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:26,427 18-34 LAUGH AND OCCASIONALLY 443 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:27,633 CRINGE AT THE LOWEST PRICE POINT 444 00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,373 SO ONE DAY I CAN PURCHASE A 445 00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:30,197 PRIVATE ISLAND. 446 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:30,600 THAT'S IT. 447 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,330 NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. 448 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:36,933 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM 449 00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:50,073 THIS STEALTHY NINJA. 450 00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:54,127 REMIND ME TO REPLACE ALL MY 451 00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:55,903 SMARTWATER WITH CHEAP DASANI. 452 00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,130 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BUT NOT IN 453 00:19:58,133 --> 00:20:00,503 REAL LIFE OR I'LL HAVE YOU 454 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,300 ARREST AND GO TO OUR BLOG AND 455 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:08,000 BOOKMARK IS AND SEE ME DO 456 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,800 STANDUP ON THE JUNE GLOOM SHOW 457 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,000 WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL. 458 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,100 THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE PERSON. 459 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:13,930 THAT'S THE ENTIRE CAST OF FAMILY 460 00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:15,733 MATTERS AND I'M SURE HE WASN'T 461 00:20:15,733 --> 00:20:16,603 ON THE SHOW. 462 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,270 GOD I WONDER WHAT RUDY LOOKS 463 00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,467 LIKE NOW. 464 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,827 NOW BEFORE WE GO, I CANNOT TELL 465 00:20:21,833 --> 00:20:24,873 YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED 466 00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:28,167 ME TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THE 467 00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:32,697 STUPID HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO. 468 00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,770 THAT'S THE KIND OF CRAP TO MAKES 469 00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:36,897 ME HATE THE INTERNET. 470 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:41,730 THAT'S ONE VIDEO I SORT OF LIKE. 471 00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:50,033 [LAUGHTER] 472 00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:51,603 >> Tosh: OKAY. 473 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,530 I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS NOT A 474 00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:54,003 HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO. 475 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,870 TURN OUT I STILL DON'T CARE WHAT 476 00:20:55,867 --> 00:20:56,567 THOSE ARE. 477 00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,227 THIS GUY JUST MIGHT HAVE 478 00:20:58,233 --> 00:20:58,973 EPILEPSY. 479 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:00,467 HOPEFULLY HIS NEIGHBOR PEERING 480 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,827 OVER THE FENCE WILL TOSS HIM A 481 00:21:01,833 --> 00:21:03,103 SPOON. 482 00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:09,930 ALL RIGHT. 483 00:21:09,933 --> 00:21:11,373 IT'S TIME FOR MY FOURTH COFFEE 484 00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:11,867 ENIMA OF THE DAY. 485 00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:16,567 GOOD NIGHT. 486 00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:18,867 >> Tosh: HOW QUICKLY AFTER THE 487 00:21:18,867 --> 00:21:20,697 PERFORMANCE DID IT GET UPLOADED? 488 00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:21,630 >> A WEEK OR TWO. 489 00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:23,403 I GOT BULLIED. 490 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,730 >> Tosh: PEOPLE BEAT YOU UP 491 00:21:24,733 --> 00:21:26,573 BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO. 30427

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