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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERING]
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>> Tosh: THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
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SETTLED WITH A DANCE-OFF.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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AT THIS POINT IF YOU'RE NOT
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WEARING CASHMERE YOU'RE NOT A
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TRUE FAN.
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PERHAPS A CHEAPER SHOW WOULD BE
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MORE TO YOU'RE LIKING.
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MIGHT I SUGGEST HOUSE OF CARDS.
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THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE DOESN'T
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MATTER BECAUSE IT'S SOME WHERE
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IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I CHECK
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FEMALE VENTRILOQUIST OFF MY LIST
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AND TEE UP NA NA NA NA BOO BOO
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AND THE HARLEM SHAKES VIDEO THAT
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STARTED IT ALL AND NOW LET'S
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WATCH THE SOUTH MEMPHIS HIGH
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DEBATE TEAM IN ACTION.
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ALL RIGHT, PAUSE IT.
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I'LL BE KOBE AND YOU BE DWIGHT
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HOWARD.
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I WISH I CAN COULD DO THAT TO
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MARIO LOPEZ'S TIGHT LITTLE REAR.
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HE'LL PROBABLY GET A SHOE DEAL
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OUT OF THIS.
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KEEP UP THE HIJINKS AND YOU'LL
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HAVE TO MOVE WITH YOUR AUNTIE
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AND UNCLE IN BELAIR.
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YES, YOU CAN BRING YOUR BUDDY
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JAZZ.
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I VOLUNTEER AT THAT CAFETERIA
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ONCE A MONTH.
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>> HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOS.
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OOH, FORGET YOUR GRAVY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: KEEP IT ON THE
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HUSH-HUSH BUT WE SERVE PONY MEAT
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ON THURSDAYS.
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THE NEXT ONE GOES OUT TO THE TOE
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HOUNDS.
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THAT'S MEMBERS OF THE FOOT
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FETISH COMMUNITY.
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MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF
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LUBE AND A BOX OF KLEENEX WITHIN
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REACH.
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>> GO BACK.
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OH.
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>> I'M OUT.
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NO, I'M OUT.
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>> Tosh: NOTHING A VIETMANESE
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LADY AND A LITTLE PUMICE CAN'T
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FIX.
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>> HAVE YOU TO WAIT LIKE TWO
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MORE FORTNIGHT.
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>> Tosh: TWO FORTNIGHTS?
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TAKE IT EASY, SHAKESPEARE.
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HE'S NOT GOING LEAVE IT HANGING
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ON THERE FOR ANOTHER 28 DAYS
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I DID THE MATH FOR YOU GUYS.
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THAT'S WHERE ALL THE NUTRIENTS
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ARE.
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YOU WANT TO SAVE THAT.
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IT WILL MAKE A NICE BILLFOLD.
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NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE
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DISGUSTING AROUND HERE.
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THE SHOW HAS RANGE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT
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THING?
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KRISTIN CHENOWITH?
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MY DOG WOULD LOVE TO CHEW ON
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WHATEVER IT IS.
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YOU'RE ADORABLE BUT I'M STILL
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PUTTING YOU IN MY POTION.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: BETTER THAN THE
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HIGH-PITCHED GARBAGE TIMBERLAKE
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JUST PUT OUT.
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THE NEXT LADY MAY NOT BE AFRAID
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OF HEIGHTS.
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MAYBE SHE'S AFRAID OF REALLY
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PRETTY VIEWS.
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[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
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>> Tosh: VAIL JUST ISN'T THE
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EXCLUSIVE WINTER GETAWAY IT USED
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TO BE.
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GONDOLA'S THE MOST MAJESTIC WAY
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TO SNEAK ACROSS THE BORDER.
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WHAT'S MORE DISTRACTING HER
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SCREAMING OR HER TART LEMONY
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CAMEL TOE?
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I WONDER WHAT'S GOT HER SO
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WORKED UP.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: THAT MAKES SENSE.
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JIM CARREY SAYS YET TO THAT
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PIECE OF [BLEEP] AND NO TO DUMB
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AND DUMBER 2.
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THIS NEXT KID IS GOING TO SLEEP
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LIKE AN ANGEL TONIGHT AFTER
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BREATHING SO MUCH DUMP TRUCK
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EXHAUST.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: COME ON, OPRAH, WOULD
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IT KILL YOU TO SPRING FOR A
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COUPLE SCHOOL BUSSES TOO?
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HIS PARENTS JUST NEED HIM TO
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HANG ON UNTIL THE HONOR ROLL
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BUMPER STICKER COMES IN THE
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MAIL.
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I KNOW IT'S THE LIFE BLOOD OF
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THE SHOW BUT PUT DOWN THE GOPRO
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AND OFFER HIM A RIDE.
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SEE I HAVE A HEART.
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I DON'T WANT HIM LATE FOR HIS
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AFTER-SCHOOL MINING JOB.
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HOW ELSE WILL HE BUY HIS YOUNGER
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BROTHER'S FREEDOM FROM THE
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MILITIA.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: BEING A WHITE BOXER'S
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LIKE BEING A REPUBLICAN.
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NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK
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YOU'LL ALWAYS LOSE BECAUSE OF
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THE MEXICANS.
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NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE BARRAGE IN
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THE GARAGE.
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LET'S GET READY TO BREAKDOWN!
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: NOT AN OUNCE OF FAT ON
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HIS 14-YEAR-OLD BODY.
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WHAT WEIGHT CLASS IS HE IN?
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FEMALE?
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HE BOXES SHADOW BUT HE'S TOO
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SCRAWNY TO CAST ONE.
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I'M KNOT NO FREDDY ROACH BUT I
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THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH SLACK ON
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THE FEED BAG OR HE'S TRAINING
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FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT TETHER
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BALL MATCH OF HIS LIFE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: YOU TELEGRAPH THAT
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KICK.
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TRY TO RIVER DANCE BEFORE YOU
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STRIKE.
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THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THAT
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COMING.
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THAT'S WHY IT'S COMMITTED TO
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TAPE TO VIEW IT AND IRON OUT
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YOUR FLAWS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: LET THIS SERVE AS A
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REMINDER TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD
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BULLIES IF YOU WANT TO TAKE
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SOMEBODY'S LUNCH MONEY, THAT'S
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YOUR GUY.
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EVERY BOXER GETS BRAIN DAMAGE AT
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DIFFERENT STAGES IN THEIR
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CAREER.
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WHAT KIND OF KNOT DID YOU TIE
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THAT WITH?
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BOW?
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THE QUEEN OF KNOTS.
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LEAVE THE ROPE.
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YOUR DAD'S GOING TO NEED TO HANG
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HIMSELF FROM EMBARRASSMENT.
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I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE
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PUNCHING BACK ON ITS FIRST
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RECORDED VICTORY.
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WE'LL BE BACK TO REDEEM THE
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> HI, EVERYBODY.
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MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY
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LITTLE BUDDY CHARLIE.
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>> I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND.
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>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OF COURSE
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I'M YOUR FRIEND.
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>> NO YOU'RE NOT.
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>> CHARLIE, YOUR NOT EXACTLY THE
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BEST TEAMMATE IN THE WORLD EVER.
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>> YOU SHOULD TALK.
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>> YOU PUT YOUR HAND UP MY --
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>> UM.
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>> NO.
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>> UM, I'M JUST GONNA --
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>> Tosh: MAYBE SHE'S SAVING HER
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BEST STUFF FOR THE ENCORE.
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I'M GLAD HE WASN'T AS SUCCESSFUL
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AS SCRUBBING FROM THE INTERNET
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AND THE ONLY WAY HER LIFE WOULD
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HAVE GOTTEN WORSE IS IF SHE WAS
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GOOD ENOUGH TO BECOME A
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PROFESSIONAL VENTRILOQUIST.
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IT'S A CAREER FOR PEOPLE WHO
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KNOW THEY'RE NOT FUNNY.
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BEING SCARED FROM THE DUMMY.
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YOU WATCH THEIR NECK HAVE A
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SEIZURE.
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NOW COME JEFF DUNHAM IS THE BEST
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AND DOESN'T KNOW TO WEAR A
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TUTTLE NECK.
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CAREER DOT COM HAS PUPPETEER AS
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A TOP JOB.
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THE MUPPETS ARE SATANIC.
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ACCORDING TO THE BOOK OF
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REVELATION.
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WHEN PIGS LAY WITH FROGS IT'S A
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SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE BUT IF
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CANDICE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP
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WITH HER HAND I'D LIKE TO WATCH
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SO I FLEW HER TO L.A.
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>> IT'S ME, CANDICE.
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>> Tosh: CANDICE, I'M AN OLD
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PUPPET MAKER.
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LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.
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OH.
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WHOA.
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YOUR TITTIES ARE SO BIG.
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SIT DOWN.
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WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MY LATEST
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CREATION.
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I CALL HIM LITTLE DANNY.
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LITTLE DANNY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
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WHAT GROWS WHEN HE TELLS A LIE.
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YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
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I THINK YOU'RE LYING TO ME,
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DANNY.
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OH, I HOPE HE TURNS INTO A REAL
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BOY SOON.
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I'M GETTING SO MANY SPLINTERS
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AROUND MY B HOLE.
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ARE YOU A VENTRILOQUIST?
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>> YES, BUT NOT VERY GOOD ANY
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MORE.
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>> WERE YOU GOOD THEN?
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>> AT THE LAST MINUTE THEY SAID
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MY SCRIPT WAS TOO RANCHY AND
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SAID I TO CHANGE IT.
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>> Tosh: CLEAN JOKES ARE JUST
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STUPID.
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WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR PUPPET?
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>> CHARLIE.
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>> Tosh: WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
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YOU BROUGHT HIM OUT.
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DO YOU REMEMBER THE JOKES.
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>> THAT HIS BOX WAS OLDER THAN
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BETTY WHITE'S BOX.
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NOT SCHOOL APPROPRIATE.
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>> Tosh: WHAT ARE OTHER VOICES
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YOU DO?
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>> I CAN DO AN ITALIAN ACCENT.
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>> Tosh: LATE ME HEAR IT.
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>> LIKE A GUY IN THE CARTOON.
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>> Tosh: MEXICAN?
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>> NACHOS.
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>> MAYBE THEIR PISSED.
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>> Tosh: NO, THEY CAN'T.
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THEY'RE HERE ILLEGALLY IN THE
264
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:31,803
FIRST PLACE WHAT WERE SOME
265
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,570
COMMENTS.
266
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,527
>> SOME WERE NICE AND SOME WERE
267
00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:35,533
EXTREMELY NASTY.
268
00:11:35,533 --> 00:11:36,673
>> Tosh: SORRY ABOUT THOSE.
269
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:37,897
I WAS BORED.
270
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,570
ARE YOU IN SCHOOL NOW?
271
00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:40,397
>> IN COLLEGE.
272
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,930
>> Tosh: DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU
273
00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:44,433
FROM THE VIDEO STILL?
274
00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:45,933
>> NO, THANK HEAVEN.
275
00:11:45,933 --> 00:11:48,533
I NOTICED TWO THINGS ABOUT YOU.
276
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:53,203
HAVE YOUR BREASTS GOTTEN LARGER?
277
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,600
>> YES.
278
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,800
[LAUGHTER]
279
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,270
>> Tosh: IS THAT THE LAST TIME
280
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,697
YOU PERFORMED?
281
00:11:58,700 --> 00:11:59,770
>> YES, FIRST.
282
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,797
>> Tosh: FIRST AND LAST?
283
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,530
>> YES.
284
00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:03,833
>> Tosh: I GOT YOU PERFORMING AT
285
00:12:03,833 --> 00:12:13,073
THE ONLY VENUE FOR UNCENSORED
286
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:13,767
VENTRILOQUISM.
287
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,767
>> ISN'T THAT ONLY FOR THE BLACK
288
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:17,527
VENTRILOQUISTS?
289
00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:19,973
>> Tosh: AND ONES THAT LIKE TO
290
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:24,197
ACT BLACK.
291
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:32,770
>> YEAH!
292
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:34,327
>> Tosh: WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE
293
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:37,533
ABLE TO HEAR THE SHOW.
294
00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:42,103
>> WELCOME TO DEAF VENTRILOQUIST
295
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:42,570
JAM.
296
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:47,267
I'M YOUR HOST JAR MAR DENHAM.
297
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,297
>> Tosh: YEAH, MY FRIEND,
298
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:49,870
CANDICE.
299
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,667
>> LITTLE TYLER PERRY.
300
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:54,427
>> WE HAVE A LOT OF [BLEEP] IN
301
00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:55,303
HERE TONIGHT.
302
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,070
I'M NOT GAY.
303
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,167
NO ONE SAID YOU WERE GAY.
304
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:57,927
THEY WERE THINKING IT.
305
00:12:57,933 --> 00:12:59,103
I CAN TELL.
306
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:04,070
I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY.
307
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:04,667
KNOCK-KNOCK.
308
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:05,427
>> WHO'S THERE?
309
00:13:05,433 --> 00:13:07,633
>> MY UNCLE.
310
00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:09,133
>> MY UNCLE WHO?
311
00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:14,703
>> MY UNCLE WHO MOLESTED ME.
312
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,530
>> Tosh: THAT'S PERSONAL.
313
00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:19,973
HE SHARED THAT WITH OPRAH.
314
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,527
>> WE'RE DIFFERENT.
315
00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:24,803
>> BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE AND
316
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:25,370
BLACK.
317
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:27,067
>> NO, BECAUSE SHE KISSED A
318
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,797
GIRL.
319
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:33,530
I'M NO TYLER PERRY.
320
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:34,633
>> Tosh: HE STALLED ON THAT ONE.
321
00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:38,773
>> READY TO SEE THE YOUR NEXT
322
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,167
VENTRILOQUIST.
323
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,097
RAISE YOUR MOTHER [BLEEP] PUPPET
324
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:42,870
HAND IN THE AIR AND MAKE IT SAY
325
00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:44,067
YEAH.
326
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:47,397
THIS IS ONLY HER SECOND
327
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,130
PERFORMANCE.
328
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:50,303
GIVE IT UP FOR SOME WHITE CHICK.
329
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:58,500
DEEJAY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC.
330
00:13:58,500 --> 00:13:59,900
>> Tosh: WE'RE NOT DOING IT FOR
331
00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:00,670
THIS ONE?
332
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,067
OKAY.
333
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,567
>> HI, EVERYBODY.
334
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:07,967
MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY
335
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:13,367
BOYFRIEND DUANE.
336
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:14,767
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOST
337
00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:15,467
ABOUT YOU?
338
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:16,697
>> MY EYES.
339
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,800
MY SENSE OF HUMOR.
340
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,600
>> NO, YOUR CREDIT, BITCH.
341
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,870
>> I'LL LET YOU SMELL HER
342
00:14:24,867 --> 00:14:26,627
FINGERS AFTER THE SHOW.
343
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,733
SOMETIMES I WONDER WHICH ONE OF
344
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,073
US IS THE REAL DUMMY.
345
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:32,227
YOU FOR THINKING I'LL STILL BE
346
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:34,103
WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAVE MY BABY
347
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:42,230
YOU UGLY LOOKING CRACKER.
348
00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,233
>> Tosh: THAT PUPPET IS CRAY.
349
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:49,433
>> SHUT UP AND GET ME PIE.
350
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,603
>> THIS GIRL SAYS THE N WORD
351
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,730
WHEN SHE'S ALONE.
352
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,303
>> Tosh: THIS IS NOT THE CANDICE
353
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:57,630
I KNOW.
354
00:14:57,633 --> 00:15:02,133
>> TAKE MY PANTS OFF MY BIG
355
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,873
WOODEN DICK.
356
00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:11,827
WHO'S YOUR MOM AND DAD IN A
357
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:13,373
GLASS OF MILK.
358
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,627
GET OUT OF HERE YOU WHITE PIECE
359
00:15:14,633 --> 00:15:25,903
OF [BLEEP].
360
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:28,830
>> Tosh: WELL DONE, CANDICE.
361
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:29,733
NOW DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR
362
00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:30,603
TITS.
363
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,430
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
364
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:39,533
STANDING UP HERE READING FROM A
365
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,073
PROMPTER ISN'T AS --
366
00:15:42,067 --> 00:16:04,467
[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
367
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:11,127
>> THREE, TWO, ONE.
368
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:15,603
>> OH!
369
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,700
>> Tosh: I GUESS YOU CAN DO
370
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:22,530
WHATEVER YOU WANT IN AUGUSTA
371
00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:25,073
SINCE THEY LET CONDI IN.
372
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,627
IT'S TIME RICH WHITE GUYS GET A
373
00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:28,103
BREAK.
374
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,270
THEY HAVE TRUST FUNDS BUT THE
375
00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:34,367
GUY WHO TOOK OUT BIN LADEN IS
376
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:34,967
PENNILESS?
377
00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:36,697
GOOD JOB, AMERICA.
378
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:41,370
THEY MUST HAVE GOTTEN POLOS FROM
379
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:42,827
JOSEPH A. BANK.
380
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:49,373
ANY GUY CAN BALL GOLF.
381
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:53,867
TIME FOR I'M BETTER THAN YOU,
382
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:56,667
NA-NA NA-NA BOO BOO, STICK YOUR
383
00:16:56,667 --> 00:17:00,497
HEAD IN DOO-DOO.
384
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,470
FOR THE RECORD WE HAT ONE MORE
385
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,897
PERSON THAN THEY DID AND THE
386
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,970
REASONAB
387
00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:11,527
REASON I WASN'T STANDING NEXT TO
388
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:16,303
THEM IS IS BECAUSE I'M A LEFTY.
389
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,530
RESEARCH SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO
390
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:20,073
SEND IN VIDEOS LIKE WATCHING
391
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:20,527
THEM.
392
00:17:20,533 --> 00:17:22,833
>> I'M THE BABYSITTER.
393
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,503
>> I LIKE BABIES.
394
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,870
>> I HAVE GAMES PLANNED.
395
00:17:26,867 --> 00:17:27,867
IN THE BOTTLE.
396
00:17:27,867 --> 00:17:30,227
TRUTH OR DARE.
397
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:31,073
DARES ONLY.
398
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,827
WE'RE GOING END THE NIGHT ON
399
00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:35,833
SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN AGAIN.
400
00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,103
NO, EIGHT MINUTES IN HEAVEN.
401
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:40,430
THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO END ANY
402
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:41,503
NIGHT, RIGHT.
403
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:42,670
WHERE'S YOUR BABIES?
404
00:17:42,667 --> 00:17:43,567
IT WILL BE FINE.
405
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:45,097
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME.
406
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:49,130
I DO HAVE HERPES.
407
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,573
WHERE ARE YOUR BABIES SO I CAN
408
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,967
SIT ON THEM.
409
00:17:52,967 --> 00:17:53,667
GET THAT?
410
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,797
A BABYSITTER.
411
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,700
>> Tosh: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED
412
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,130
TO DO?
413
00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:58,833
NOT GO TO DINNER.
414
00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:01,073
THEY HAVE RESERVATIONS.
415
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:02,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
416
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:02,327
THE CLINIC.
417
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:17,197
>> Tosh: HEY, GUYS, I'M WELL
418
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,070
AWARE YOU THINK I'M GETTING TO
419
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,297
BIG FOR MY BRITCHES SO IT'S
420
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,370
APPROPRIATE TO REMIND YOU OF THE
421
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,467
MISSION STATEMENT IN OUR OFFICE
422
00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:29,697
BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE DAY ONE.
423
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,300
CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP
424
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,070
SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN
425
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:39,597
18-34 LAUGH AND CRINGE AT THE
426
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,230
LOWEST PRICE POINT ONE DAY I CAN
427
00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:43,733
PURCHASE AN ISLAND.
428
00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:46,073
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING ELSE.
429
00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:48,497
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I RETAIN
430
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:54,370
THIS STEALTHY NINJA.
431
00:18:54,367 --> 00:19:02,867
[LAUGHTER]
432
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:04,067
>> Tosh: HEY, GUYS.
433
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,127
I'M WELL AWARE YOU THINK I'M
434
00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:08,533
GETTING TOO BIG FOR MY BRITCHES
435
00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:10,173
SO REMINDING YOU OF THE MISSION
436
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,397
STATEMENT THAT HANGS IN OUR
437
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,670
OFFICE AND HAS BEEN THE GUIDING
438
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,227
PRINCIPLE BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE
439
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:16,073
DAY ONE.
440
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:19,527
CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP
441
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,073
SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN
442
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:26,427
18-34 LAUGH AND OCCASIONALLY
443
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:27,633
CRINGE AT THE LOWEST PRICE POINT
444
00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,373
SO ONE DAY I CAN PURCHASE A
445
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:30,197
PRIVATE ISLAND.
446
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:30,600
THAT'S IT.
447
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,330
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
448
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:36,933
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM
449
00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:50,073
THIS STEALTHY NINJA.
450
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:54,127
REMIND ME TO REPLACE ALL MY
451
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:55,903
SMARTWATER WITH CHEAP DASANI.
452
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,130
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BUT NOT IN
453
00:19:58,133 --> 00:20:00,503
REAL LIFE OR I'LL HAVE YOU
454
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,300
ARREST AND GO TO OUR BLOG AND
455
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:08,000
BOOKMARK IS AND SEE ME DO
456
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,800
STANDUP ON THE JUNE GLOOM SHOW
457
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,000
WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.
458
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,100
THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE PERSON.
459
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:13,930
THAT'S THE ENTIRE CAST OF FAMILY
460
00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:15,733
MATTERS AND I'M SURE HE WASN'T
461
00:20:15,733 --> 00:20:16,603
ON THE SHOW.
462
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,270
GOD I WONDER WHAT RUDY LOOKS
463
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,467
LIKE NOW.
464
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,827
NOW BEFORE WE GO, I CANNOT TELL
465
00:20:21,833 --> 00:20:24,873
YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED
466
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:28,167
ME TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THE
467
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:32,697
STUPID HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO.
468
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,770
THAT'S THE KIND OF CRAP TO MAKES
469
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:36,897
ME HATE THE INTERNET.
470
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:41,730
THAT'S ONE VIDEO I SORT OF LIKE.
471
00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:50,033
[LAUGHTER]
472
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:51,603
>> Tosh: OKAY.
473
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,530
I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS NOT A
474
00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:54,003
HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO.
475
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,870
TURN OUT I STILL DON'T CARE WHAT
476
00:20:55,867 --> 00:20:56,567
THOSE ARE.
477
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,227
THIS GUY JUST MIGHT HAVE
478
00:20:58,233 --> 00:20:58,973
EPILEPSY.
479
00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:00,467
HOPEFULLY HIS NEIGHBOR PEERING
480
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,827
OVER THE FENCE WILL TOSS HIM A
481
00:21:01,833 --> 00:21:03,103
SPOON.
482
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:09,930
ALL RIGHT.
483
00:21:09,933 --> 00:21:11,373
IT'S TIME FOR MY FOURTH COFFEE
484
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:11,867
ENIMA OF THE DAY.
485
00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:16,567
GOOD NIGHT.
486
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:18,867
>> Tosh: HOW QUICKLY AFTER THE
487
00:21:18,867 --> 00:21:20,697
PERFORMANCE DID IT GET UPLOADED?
488
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:21,630
>> A WEEK OR TWO.
489
00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:23,403
I GOT BULLIED.
490
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,730
>> Tosh: PEOPLE BEAT YOU UP
491
00:21:24,733 --> 00:21:26,573
BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO.
30427
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