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>> SHE'S A LESBIAN BY THE WAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> NOTHING A GIRLFRIEND'S TONGUE
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WON'T HEAL.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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HAVE NO FEAR, TONIGHT MY HANDS
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ARE COVERED IN CASHMERE.
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NOT MY FINGER TIPS LIKE THE
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WORLD'S FANSIEST HOBO AND THE
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SKYLINE IS COLUMBIA, SOUTH
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CAROLINA.
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BREATHTAKING.
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IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY YOU CAN SEE
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THE BALL COACH CRYING ABOUT
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ANOTHER MEDIOCRE SEASON.
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I LAWYER UP FOR THIS GUY'S
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REDEMPTION AND PLAY IT'S RACEST
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THOUGH WE ALL KNOW IT WILL BE
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AND REJOICE IN THE FACT THAT MY
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CONSEQUENCES HAVE GONE GLOBAL.
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NOW LET'S WATCH THAT GIRL
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SCISSOR HER CHAIR AGAIN.
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>> HE'S A LESBIAN BY THE WAY.
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>> THAT PATIO FURNITURE HAS GONE
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WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
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SHE'S FINE.
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THE GAYS HAVE LESS FEELING IN
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THEIR VAGINAS.
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ALL RIGHT, IF SHE GETS BACK ON
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HER POGO STICK AND DOES IT TWO
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MORE TIMES SHE'LL BE CURED OF
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LESBIANISM.
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THIS GUY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.
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>> HE FACING SERIOUS CHARGES AND
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BACK IN A NEW PLACE WHERE PEOPLE
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DON'T KNOW
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YOU
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>> DON'T YOU DARE TEMPT TO GO IN
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MY BUSINESS.
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YOU BETTER GET IT GONE BEFORE
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THAT MAN GET HERE.
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>> WE'LL BE CALLING POLICE AND
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YOU'LL BE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT.
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YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.
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SIR, YOU WERE HOLDING THE DOOR.
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>> NO ONE INVITED YOU IN THERE.
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>> AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US NOT TO
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GO IN EITHER AND YOU JUST
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PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.
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>> AND I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU
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AGAIN.
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>> YOU HAVE TO BE INVITED IN?
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I DIDN'T REALIZE THESE WERE
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VAMPIRE RULES.
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EVERYONE WHO GOES TO JOURNALISM
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SCHOOL DESERVES TO BE SOCKED IN
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THE KISSER WITH ONE OF THESE AND
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ONE OF THESE.
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>> WE'LL BE CALLING POLICE AND
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YOU'LL BE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT
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SIR.
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>> AND A-AFTERWARDS THE FASHION
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POLICE WILL GET YOU FOR WEAR
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PLAIDS.
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YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED AT THE
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AHEIGHT HE ACHIEVED HERE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: YOU JUST GOT MALCOLM
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X'D.
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ALL RIGHT.
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JUST A GUESS BUT DID THAT AIRBAG
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COME OUT OF A CHRYSLER 300?
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: AND YOU THOUGHT I
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FORGOT ABOUT BLACK HISTORY
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MONTH.
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PLYOMETRICS.
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I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS IT, HELL,
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NO ONE DOES.
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I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, PUT ON A
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WEIGHT STATION ON THE SPACE
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STATION IS A WASTE OF DOLLARS.
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YOU DO IT RIGHT WHEN SOMEONE
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STOPS TO FILM YOU.
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IF YOU CAN'T SEE KA IN VEGAS,
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THIS IS A CLOSE SECOND.
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THIS SILVERBACK GORILLA SOLVES
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WORLD HUNGER.
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ANIMALS THRIVE IN CAPTIVITY.
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NOW I'M FULL.
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NOW I'M HUNGRY AGAIN.
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LOOK AT ALL THAT AIDS PUDDING.
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WHAT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER IS
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EATING IT OFF A GIRL GORILLA'S
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TITTIES.
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ARE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF I
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HOPE HE DOES IT AGAIN.
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KOKO, WHAT'S SIGN LANGUAGE FOR
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YOUR [BLEEP] DISGUSTING.
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HE KEEPS PUKE UP THE SAME
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[BLEEP] OVER AND OVER LIKE WES
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ANDERSON.
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YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, DANIEL
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SEE, DANIEL DO.
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>> PANCAKES.
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>> ALL RIGHT, MONSTERS, EAT UP.
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>> AFTER BREAKFAST I KILLED ONE
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OF THOSE KIDS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
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SMELL RIGHT.
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LOOK IT UP, EVOLUTION, CHAPTER
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6, VERSES 21 THROUGH 24.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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I THINK WE FOUND OUR NEXT POPE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> NOW LET'S LEARN WHY THEY SAY
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THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
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NAKED DUDES IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE NEW DIE
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HARD MOVIE THERE'S STILL
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ENTERTAINING THINGS GOING ON IN
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RUSSIA.
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SOMEONE'S ON PCP OR MAYBE
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DOESN'T REALIZE THE LAKERS SUCK
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RIOT IS THE NEXT STREET OVER AND
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HE'S WEARING A RUSSIAN HAT.
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I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO BLUR THIS.
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THE PARKING LOT IS LAVA.
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[LAUGHTER]
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DO THEY EVEN HAVE KELLY BLUE
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BOOK OVER THERE OR ARE ALL CARS
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WORTH $400.
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NEVER FIGHT A NAKED MAN.
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WIN OR LOSE THE WEINER'S GOING
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TO MASH UP AGAINST YOU AND NOW
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THERE'S GRASS STAINS AND SKID
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MARKS.
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I'M STARTING TO SEE WHY ALL
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THEY'RE WOMEN MAIL THEMSELVES TO
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THE U.S.
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HE'S A LUNATIC NOT A PARAKEET.
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IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY NO ONE'S
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AT WORK THERE IS NONE.
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I'M GLAD GOD IS SPENDING METEORS
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TO DESTROY THAT COUNTRY AND FOR
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THAT WE THANK YOU AND WE'LL BE
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BACK BUT THE FOUNDATION OF A
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FRIENDSHIP IS TRUST BUT OF
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COMEDY IT'S FRIENDS AND LET ME
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PLAY YOU A PERSONAL INSANE VOICE
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MAILS FROM COMEDIAN GREG HAHN.
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>> DANIEL, THIS IS GREG HAHN
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CALLING.
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IT'S NOT A FUNNY VOICE MAIL JUST
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BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
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ARE WE STILL TAKING THIS
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PROPEECIA STUFF?
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WHAT'S YOUR DOCTOR SAY ABOUT IT?
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>> YOU'LL BE HELD NO BOND SIR
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ANYTHING FURTHER ORDER OF THE
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COURT.
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THANK YOU.
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>> ARE YOU [BLEEP]ING KIDDING
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ME?
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>> WHAT DID HE SAY?
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WHOA, WHOA, BRING HIM BACK.
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SIR, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
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>> I CALLED YOU A [BLEEP].
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I APOLOGIZE I'M OUT OF LINE.
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>> I'LL ACCEPT APOLOGY AND
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SENTENCE YOU TO 60 DAYS IN THE
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BROWARD COUNTY JAIL.
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THANK YOU.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> CAN I TAKE THE [BLEEP] BACK
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IN?
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>> SIR, HOLD IT.
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COME ON BACK, SIR.
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SIR, I'M INCLINED TO HOLD YOU IN
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CONTEMPT OF COURT AGAIN.
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I'M GOING SENTENCE YOU TO
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ANOTHER 60 DAYS TO RUN
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CONSECUTIVE.
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>> APPARENTLY THE JUDGE DOESN'T
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UNDERSTAND HOW FREEDOM OF SPEECH
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WORKS AND THAT'S BRIAN AND HE
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SAID WHAT EVERYONE WAS THINKING.
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JUDGES ARE BASICALLY PARENTS FOR
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PEOPLE WHO HAD [BLEEP] ONCE.
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THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THIS
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SHOW'S A LAWYER AND HE'S TRIED
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TO CONVINCE COMEDY CENTRAL TO
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LET ME SAY [BLEEP].
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DID IT GET BLEEPED?
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HE LOST.
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I'M NO LAW EXPERT I NEVER SAW A
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FULL EPISODE OF LAW AND ORDER
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BUT EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED
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ONE OOPSIS AND THE SUPREME COURT
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COMES WITH SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.
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WHAT'S WITH THE WOODEN PEWS?
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IT'S A GOOD THING WE MAKE PEOPLE
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TELL THE TRUTH, WHOLE TRUTH AND
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NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
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IF I KNOW CRIMINALS THEY'RE MEN
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OF THEIR WORD AND THE PROBLEM
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WITH THE SYSTEM IS THE INNOCENT
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UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
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WHO KNOW WHO'S NOT BEING ACCUSED
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OF UNDER AGE SEX TRAFFICKING?
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INNOCENT PEOPLE AND WE HAVE THIS
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WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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ALL RISE.
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>> YOU REALLY DID IF THIS TIME
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S&P
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>> I KNOW, I MESSED UP.
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>> I'LL HAVE YOU OUT IN NO TIME.
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>> THAT'S UNNECESSARY.
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GIVE ME --
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>> I'M GOING TO PUT THIS AGAINST
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THE WINDOW.
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WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO NAZI PARTY
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DID YOU JOIN IN THE PEN?
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>> NONE OF THEM.
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>> WHAT GOT YOU HERE IN THE
227
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FIRST PLACE.
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>> I GOT A PRESCRIPTION OF
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MEDICATION AND I TOOK A STEAK
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KNIFE AT MY DAD.
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>> WHAT KIND?
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>> A STEAK KNIFE.
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MY DAD SAW IT.
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>> WHAT HAPPENS IN THE
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COURTROOM.
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>> HE WAS BEING A DICK AND WHEN
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HE WALKED AWAY I SAID SUCK MY
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[BLEEP] AND WHEN I WENT BACK UP
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I SAID I'M GOING TO THROW THE
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WORD [BLEEP] IN.
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>> DID YOU FEED OFF THE ENERGY
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IN THE COURTROOM?
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>> THAT'S WHY I GOT THE SECOND
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CONTEMPT OF COURT AND I FIGURED
245
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I'M SCREWED SO MIGHT AS WELL GET
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ANOTHER LAUGH IN.
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>> IT'S TOUGH.
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YOU WANT TO GET IT IN.
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DID YOU UNDERSTAND CONSECUTIVE?
250
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DID ANYONE EVER SERVE LIKE
251
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NONCONSECUTIVE LIKE ONE DAY IN,
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ONE DAY OUT.
253
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HOW LONG WERE YOU IN JAIL FOR?
254
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>> 33 DAYS.
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>> HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?
256
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>> ACTUALLY I WAS.
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BUT IT WAS INSTEAD OF TAKING
258
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PROBATION I DECIDED TO DO JAIL
259
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TIME.
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>> IS THAT BETTER?
261
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>> I'D PROBABLY BE BACK IN JAIL
262
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:23,767
IF I TOOK PROBATION.
263
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:26,097
>> LOOK AT YOU, PLAYING IT
264
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,470
SMART.
265
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:29,897
DO YOU BLAME THE HARVEY DENT
266
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:30,430
ACT?
267
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:32,733
>> RE FRESH MY MEMORY.
268
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,533
>> HARVEY DENT WAS MURDERED BY
269
00:10:35,533 --> 00:10:36,173
BATMAN.
270
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:37,227
LOTS OF PEOPLE WENT TO JAIL BUT
271
00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:39,973
IT WAS FOR IF HE BETTERMENT OF
272
00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:40,467
GOTHAM.
273
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:43,097
>> I AGREE THEN.
274
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,570
>> BRIAN, ENOUGH OF GETTING TO
275
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,567
KNOW EACH OTHER LET'S GET
276
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:48,067
CONJUGAL.
277
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:49,167
>> I'LL PASS, MAN.
278
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:50,227
>> OKAY.
279
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,433
BUT I GOT YOU A RETRAIL AND HAVE
280
00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:55,103
A BRILLIANT LEGAL DEFENSE DREAM
281
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,630
TEAM AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK I
282
00:10:56,633 --> 00:11:00,603
ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.
283
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:11,330
THERE'S A FILE IN IT.
284
00:11:11,333 --> 00:11:20,073
>> NEXT.
285
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,967
>> YOUR HONOR, IF IT PLEASE THIS
286
00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:24,597
COURT I'D LIKE TO REMOVE THIS
287
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,430
LITERAL GAG ORDER FROM ANY
288
00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:26,933
CLIENT.
289
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,273
>> I'LL ALLOW IT.
290
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:30,567
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
291
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,397
WE'VE OFF TO A GOOD START.
292
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,070
[BLEEP].
293
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,327
>> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
294
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,733
>> YOUR HONOR, I BELIEVE MY
295
00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:38,433
CLIENT SAID IT'S KIND OF WARM IN
296
00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:40,773
THIS COURTROOM AND I MUST AGREE.
297
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:43,827
>> WHERE'S YOUR LEGAL DREAM
298
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:44,303
TEAM?
299
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,300
>> I'M GOING STALL JUST TRY NOT
300
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,600
TO SAY [BLEEP].
301
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,500
YOUR HONOR, AND LADIES AND
302
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:56,130
GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I HAVE
303
00:11:56,133 --> 00:12:00,333
HERE A SWORN AFFIDAVIT THAT I'D
304
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:02,833
LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE.
305
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:03,973
READ THAT BACK TO ME.
306
00:12:03,967 --> 00:12:05,497
STRIKE THAT FROM THE RECORD.
307
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:09,670
THAT REMINDS ME OF -- WHOA.
308
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,497
ARE YOU ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE
309
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:12,070
JOURNEY?
310
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:15,167
I BELIEVE IT WAS BENJAMIN
311
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:18,867
FRANKLIN, A YANKIE WHO SAID IT
312
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:19,397
BEST.
313
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,800
YAY THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE
314
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,130
SHADOW OF THE VALLEY OF DEATH --
315
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:27,333
NOW MY PAPI, GOT REST HIS SOUL
316
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:29,773
AND YOU, YOU SIR WILL PROBABLY
317
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:31,327
NEED MY COURT IN THE FUTURE.
318
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,233
JUST KEEP THAT.
319
00:12:32,233 --> 00:12:36,073
>> STOP WASTING MY TIME OR I'LL
320
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:39,767
THROW AND YOU IN JAIL.
321
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:43,897
>> PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE
322
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:44,500
BENCH.
323
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:45,830
>> GRANTED.
324
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,273
>> I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.
325
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:52,727
WHAT IS THAT MAHOGANY OR BIRCH?
326
00:12:52,733 --> 00:12:57,173
LOVE A GOOD BIRCH MY GRAND
327
00:12:57,167 --> 00:13:02,927
PAPPY, ORVILLE REDDENBACHER --
328
00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:06,933
NO WIN WILL SEE THIS AS JURY
329
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:09,203
TAMPERING IF I OFFER THEM MY
330
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:20,370
GRAND PAPPY'S FINE KETTLE CORN.
331
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,827
HMM.
332
00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:26,873
THAT FEELS RIGHT.
333
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:29,067
YOUR HONOR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
334
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,097
OF THE JURY, THE WHOLE CASE IS
335
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,130
ABOUT FREEDOM TO SAY WHAT WE
336
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:34,733
NEED TO SAY WHEN WE NEED TO SEE
337
00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:36,603
IT LIKE REMIND ME TO PINCH YOUR
338
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,570
TITS AFTER THE TRIAL.
339
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:39,527
THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
340
00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,503
I EXPRESSED HOW I FELT ABOUT HER
341
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:43,770
>> YOU BETTER BE GOING SOME
342
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:46,327
WHERE WITH THIS MR. DICE CLAY.
343
00:13:46,333 --> 00:13:49,303
>> YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU'VE BEEN
344
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:49,770
AROUND.
345
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,927
MAYBE YOU'RE WEARING THAT ROBE,
346
00:13:51,933 --> 00:13:54,273
THAT SEXY [BLEEP]ING ROBE IN
347
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,897
FRONT OF YOUR MIRROR WITH A
348
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,170
LITTLE [BLEEP] I CAN GRAB WITH
349
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:59,767
MY TEETH AND PULL RIGHT OUT OF
350
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:00,927
YOUR [BLEEP].
351
00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:03,633
I MEAN, I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT
352
00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:05,433
KNOWS HOW TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.
353
00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,333
I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT WHEN
354
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:10,273
I'M IN BED WITH A CHICK I KNOW
355
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,267
WHEN TO USE THE [BLEEP] WORD.
356
00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:13,727
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
357
00:14:13,733 --> 00:14:15,973
JURY, I CAN SUM THIS UP IN A FEW
358
00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:21,967
WORDS, HICKRY, DICKORY DOCK, MY
359
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:24,067
CLIENT HAS IT THE RIGHT TO CALL
360
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,927
THAT JUDGE A [BLEEP].
361
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:26,333
OH!
362
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,433
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
363
00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:30,433
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
364
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:33,703
>> CASE DISMISSED.
365
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,970
>> GET OVER HERE YOU [BLEEP]ING
366
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:37,867
ANIMAL YOU ARE.
367
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:40,167
>> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT
368
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:42,097
REDEMPTION YOU CAN FILE AN
369
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,900
APPEAL WITH THE DISTRICT OF I
370
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:45,930
DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP].
371
00:14:45,933 --> 00:14:46,433
OH!
372
00:14:46,433 --> 00:14:48,973
IT'S HARD TO REACH ALL THE WAY
373
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:49,567
AROUND.
374
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,567
FIRST HERE WE GO AGAIN.
375
00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:55,327
PORCH WITH MEMA.
376
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,503
>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I
377
00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:01,300
THINK ABOUT GIRLS THAT LIKE ANAL
378
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:01,730
SEX.
379
00:15:01,733 --> 00:15:11,803
IT'S UNHEALTHY AND SHOULDN'T DO
380
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,970
>> IT'S ABOUT THE PRETTIEST TIME
381
00:15:13,967 --> 00:15:14,867
OF YEAR THOUGH.
382
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:16,667
THE TREES LOOK SO NICE AND I
383
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:17,927
LOVE ALL THE NICE COVERS OUT
384
00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:21,273
THERE AND SPEAKING OF THE COLORS
385
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:23,797
WE HAVE TYLER WEIR.
386
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:24,530
[LAUGHTER]
387
00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:24,773
.
388
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,827
>> THANKS, GUYS.
389
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:31,273
>> UH-OH.
390
00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:37,367
THAT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE OF
391
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:39,527
CALLING THEIR CO-WORKER COLORED
392
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:40,873
AND I HAVE COME UP WITH TERMS
393
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:43,397
THAT HAVE NO RATION CONNOTATION
394
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,070
WHAT SO EVER AND TO MAKE SURE
395
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:49,297
THEY'RE SAFE A TESTED THEM WITH
396
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,700
A DIVERSE FOCUS GROUP.
397
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,470
IT'S TIME FOR IS IT RACIST.
398
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:54,597
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING I'D LIKE
399
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,070
TO RAISE YOUR HAND WHENEVER YOU
400
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:59,297
FEEL THE TERM I USE IS
401
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,070
OFFENSIVE.
402
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,497
CREAM JOCKEY.
403
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,070
OKAY.
404
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:02,867
WATER FLAP.
405
00:16:02,867 --> 00:16:08,067
HERE COMES THE PACK OF WATER
406
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:08,727
FLAPS.
407
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:09,833
LOCK UP YOUR DOGS.
408
00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:11,973
>> IT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.
409
00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:13,267
>> OKAY.
410
00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:14,067
SUGAR TASTER.
411
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:15,297
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
412
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,300
>> I DON'T KNOW.
413
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,100
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK HE
414
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,400
TASTES SUGAR.
415
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,830
>> WHY DO YOU POINT TO THE BLACK
416
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:24,333
PERSON?
417
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:25,973
>> THEY --
418
00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,667
>> THEY?
419
00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:28,427
SADDLE SHIN?
420
00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:29,433
>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
421
00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:33,273
>> A BUNCH OF STINKAL SADDLE
422
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:33,927
SHINS.
423
00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:35,673
>> USE IN SENTENCE.
424
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,897
>> I DID.
425
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:38,500
CLINK-CLUNK.
426
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,700
>> HEY, WE DID THE RAIL ROAD AND
427
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,070
ALL THE WORK AND YOU COME BACK
428
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,067
TO USE THAT KIND OF TERM?
429
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:44,897
>> ALL RIGHT.
430
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,430
IT'S NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE
431
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:48,233
IT'S JUST THE WORD CLINK-CLUNK.
432
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:49,433
>> I DON'T LIKE IT.
433
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:50,903
>> IT SOUNDS KIND OF OFFENSIVE.
434
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,500
>> IT'S ALL GOOD RESEARCH GUYS,
435
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:54,670
THANK YOU.
436
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,167
BISCUIT NECK.
437
00:16:57,167 --> 00:17:00,467
GOD HELP US IF WE EVER HAVE A
438
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,097
BISCUIT NECK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
439
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,200
WHAT OFFENDS YOU?
440
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,900
>> YOU SHOULDN'T SAY IT.
441
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,670
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING
442
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:09,467
TOWARDS WHITES.
443
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:11,067
>> YOU THOUGHT IT WAS NEGATIVE
444
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:12,267
TOWARDS WHITES?
445
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:14,097
>> YEAH.
446
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:18,870
>> I APPRECIATE IT.
447
00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:19,967
SPOON FACE.
448
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:22,197
>> ASIANS MIGHT THINK YOU'RE
449
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,070
THINKING ABOUT THEM UP
450
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,767
>> THINK IT'S A SLAM.
451
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,197
>> YEAH, SPOON FACE.
452
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,730
>> APPLE PICKER.
453
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:30,873
WHY ARE YOU OFFENDED?
454
00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:32,867
>> NO ONE CALLS ME AN APPLE
455
00:17:32,867 --> 00:17:33,327
PICKER.
456
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:34,873
>> WHAT IF YOU WERE TO PICK AN
457
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:35,427
APPLE.
458
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:37,403
>> I STILL WOULDN'T BE AN APPLE
459
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:37,900
PICKER.
460
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,530
>> WHAT ABOUT PINTO?
461
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:40,203
>> NO.
462
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,730
>> WATER FLAPS?
463
00:17:42,733 --> 00:17:43,473
>> NO.
464
00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:45,767
>> CHIN FLAPS?
465
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:46,767
>> NO.
466
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:47,597
DOOR DONKEY?
467
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,130
>> HELL, NO.
468
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:50,673
>> TEN EYES.
469
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:51,427
>> OKAY.
470
00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:52,803
>> THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME.
471
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,900
YOU CAN COLLECT YOUR TEN DOLLARS
472
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:56,930
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
473
00:17:56,933 --> 00:17:58,433
>> TEN DOLLARS?
474
00:17:58,433 --> 00:18:02,073
>> YEAH, YOU SPOON-FACE
475
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:02,667
APPLE-PICKER.
476
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,597
BE CAREFUL WITH THE TERMS, GUYS.
477
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,100
IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.
478
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,630
I'M SURE YOU CAN'T SAY SLIPPERY
479
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:09,903
SLOPE.
480
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:11,130
PEOPLE CLAIM VIEWER VIDEOS
481
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,233
AREN'T FUNNY AND THEY ONLY HAVE
482
00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:14,433
TO BE FUNNY AND I HAVE A QUEER
483
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:15,633
SENSE OF HUMOR.
484
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:21,233
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
485
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:32,333
>> BULIMIA, BULIMIA, DON'T EAT,
486
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:36,673
DON'T PURGE, EAT A HEALTHY DIET.
487
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:39,827
BULIMIA WILL HURT YOU.
488
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:45,603
YOU MIGHT PUKE UP A TINY MAN AND
489
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:50,400
LOSE YOUR MIND.
490
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,070
>> DUH.
491
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:53,567
IF BULIMIA WAS SAFE EVERYBODY
492
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,927
WOULD BE DOING IT.
493
00:18:55,933 --> 00:18:57,833
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
494
00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:58,233
THE SWEET SPOT.
495
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:11,103
>> ELCOME ACBAY.
496
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,730
THAT'S BIG LATIN.
497
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:18,803
THANKS ROSETTA STONE.
498
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:24,900
OR SHOULD I SAY ANKSTHAY.
499
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:32,970
>> UM, I'M JUST GONNA --
500
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:33,527
[LAUGHTER]
501
00:19:33,533 --> 00:19:35,303
>> TAKING THE MICROPHONE WITH
502
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,070
YOU IS THE ONLY WAY TO ASSURE
503
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,227
YOU'LL WIN THE TALENT CONTEST.
504
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:39,803
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.
505
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,530
IF YOU DON'T SEE NEW TWEETS IT'S
506
00:19:42,533 --> 00:19:45,873
BECAUSE I OPENED A NEW ACCOUNT
507
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:48,867
AT SAD TWITTER TOSH FOR WHEN I'M
508
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:49,327
SAD.
509
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:50,303
GO TO MY BLOG.
510
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:54,570
WHO AM I KIDDING YOU'RE PROBABLY
511
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:57,667
THERE NOW AND JOIN ME ON THE
512
00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:01,267
JUNE GLOOM TOUR WHICH STARTS IN
513
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:02,897
MAY WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.
514
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:03,730
THAT'S NOT HIM.
515
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:05,403
THAT'S THE CRAZY TAN LADY.
516
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,930
THAT'S THE CLOSEST TO WHAT HE
517
00:20:06,933 --> 00:20:07,773
LOOKS LIKE.
518
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:08,727
HOPEFULLY WE'LL GET IT RIGHT
519
00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:09,373
NEXT WEEK.
520
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,897
NOW IN THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED
521
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,370
SEASON PREMIER I INVENTED A NEW
522
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,527
GAME CALLED SPORTS OR
523
00:20:15,533 --> 00:20:16,833
CONSEQUENCE AND SINCE WRITING
524
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:18,303
FRESH CONTENT EACH WEEK IS HARD
525
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,930
I ASK YOU TO SEND IN YOUR OWN.
526
00:20:19,933 --> 00:20:24,833
>> SPORTS OR CONSEQUENCES.
527
00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:26,173
A RUBBER BAND SNAP TO THE
528
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:32,327
NIPPLES.
529
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,273
WHEW!
530
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:35,597
>> TWO, THREE.
531
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:40,370
[ SCREAMING ]
532
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:45,227
[LAUGHTER]
533
00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:50,673
>> IT'S BEHIND US.
534
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,527
STATE TROOPER.
535
00:20:51,533 --> 00:20:54,203
>> THE LAST TWO IDIOTS DID SUCH
536
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,770
A GOOD JOB THEY GOT ARRESTED
537
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:58,197
WHILE I FULLY SUPPORT AND ENJOY
538
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,930
WHAT THEY DID I DO NOT CONDONE
539
00:21:02,933 --> 00:21:05,533
IT AND TONIGHT'S WHERE'S DANIEL
540
00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:07,173
IS TOUGH BUT HERE'S A HINT.
541
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:08,267
I'M SOME WHERE TOWARDS THE
542
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,427
MIDDLE OF YOUR SCREEN.
543
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:10,503
GOOD NIGHT.
544
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:20,070
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
545
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:20,397
ARE
546
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,070
>> HOW ABOUT [BLEEP]ING IN
547
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:22,627
PUBLIC.
548
00:21:22,633 --> 00:21:23,673
>> HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE IN YOUR
549
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:24,067
CELL?
550
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:24,427
>> THREE.
551
00:21:24,433 --> 00:21:25,903
>> AND YOU ASKED THEM TO LEAVE
552
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:26,970
WHILE YOU POOP?
34453
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