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1
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,600
[orchestral music]
2
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:28,170
*
3
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,600
[audience ohs]
4
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,600
[laughter]
5
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,670
*
6
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:47,567
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:52,770
- COME ON.
8
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:54,827
YOU'VE NEVER WANTED TO SEE
A GIRL'S FACE
9
00:00:54,833 --> 00:00:59,133
GET PUNTED IN SLOW-MO...
ON ACCIDENT?
10
00:00:59,133 --> 00:01:00,703
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
11
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:03,070
NO, MY NECK IS NOT GOING
TO A FANCY GALA.
12
00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:07,067
IT'S JUST DRAPED
IN LUXURIOUS CASHMERE.
13
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,297
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING
14
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,930
WHAT SKYLINE IS BEHIND ME
THIS EVENING, IT'S ROME.
15
00:01:10,933 --> 00:01:14,373
TONIGHT IN THE SHOW,
IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE.
16
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:16,427
NOPE, IT'S JUST THIS GUY.
17
00:01:16,433 --> 00:01:18,433
I RESTORE SOME
MUCH NEEDED INTEGRITY
18
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:19,673
TO THE SPORT OF CYCLING
19
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:23,397
AND WE FOCUS ON AREAS
YOUR VALENTINE COULD IMPROVE.
20
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,870
NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THE OLD
21
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:28,067
PRETEND-TO-KICK-A-LIGHT-FIXTURE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TRICK.
22
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,467
- 3, 2, 1.
23
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,067
- GO!
24
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,767
[audience ohs]
25
00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:36,967
- THE FACE IS THE WORST PART OF
THE BODY TO BLOCK A KICK WITH.
26
00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:39,767
THAT LIGHT BULB
OWES HER ITS LIFE NOW.
27
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:43,467
[slow-mo sound effects]
28
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:46,967
- YET ANOTHER GREAT REASON
FOR VAULTED CEILINGS.
29
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:48,297
I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T
KICK THE LIGHT OUT...
30
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:50,430
SO I COULD SEE THERE'S
ANOTHER CHICK IN THE BED.
31
00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:53,103
WHAT THE HECK IS
GOING ON OVER THERE?
32
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,870
CLOSE YOUR DRAWERS, LADIES.
OH, THAT ANNOYS ME!
33
00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:58,397
[laughter]
34
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,100
THIS NEXT VIDEO
MAKES ME WONDER WWSMS--
35
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,330
WHAT WOULD
SAL MASEKELA SAY?
36
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,103
- OH, MY GOD, OH!
OH, MY!
37
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,870
- LOOKIN' SEXY!
38
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,827
I SEE THE X GAMES HAVE BEEN
READING MY LETTERS.
39
00:02:11,833 --> 00:02:14,573
- OH, MY GOD! HE'S--OH!
40
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,827
[audience ohs]
41
00:02:16,833 --> 00:02:20,733
- AT LEAST A SNOWMOBILE
DIDN'T LAND ON HIM?
42
00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:23,533
I WONDER WHERE HE HANGS
HIS LIFT TICKET.
43
00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:25,373
THAT'S OKAY.
I WAS THERE THAT DAY.
44
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:28,597
THEY HAD THREE INCHES OF POWDER.
THAT ICE IS SOFT.
45
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,700
YOU THINK THAT OUTFIT
WAS INAPPROPRIATE.
46
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,500
YOU SHOULD SEE
WHAT I SURF IN.
47
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,400
[laughter]
48
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,127
BY THE WAY, THAT WAS
REALLY DANGEROUS.
49
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,303
I ALMOST DROWNED.
50
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,670
NOTHING WORSE
THAN WET CASHMERE.
51
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:48,067
YEAH, I WAS WEARING IT
AS A BASE LAYER.
52
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:50,597
NOW, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HUGGED A ASIAN?
53
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:55,900
[men singing]
54
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,230
SEE, BY THE TIME CHINA
FINISHES SEWING OUR CLOTHES,
55
00:02:58,233 --> 00:03:00,973
THEY'RE TOO TIRED
TO MAKE THEIR OWN.
56
00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:02,867
NOW LET'S PUT
20 SECONDS ON THE "CROCK"
57
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:05,427
AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
58
00:03:05,433 --> 00:03:08,473
AND THAT'S HOW
AN iPAD MINI IS BORN.
59
00:03:08,467 --> 00:03:12,497
BIG DEAL. DUKE'S BASKETBALL TEAM
DOES THIS AFTER EVERY PLAY.
60
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,100
THEY'RE TRYING TO WIN $106
61
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,200
ON CHANG AND CHANG
IN THE MORNING.
62
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,600
DANCES AT NINJA SCHOOLS
63
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,430
ARE TOTAL
VIENNA SAUSAGE PARTIES.
64
00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:22,973
VIENNA.
65
00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:24,197
[laughter]
66
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,270
MAYBE HAVING A FEW DAUGHTERS
IN THAT COUNTRY
67
00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:27,927
WOULDN'T BE
SUCH A BAD IDEA.
68
00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:28,973
[time expired
gong sound effect]
69
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:32,227
OH, TOO BAD!
I HAD 1.3 BILLION MORE.
70
00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:35,273
ALL RIGHT, LADIES HERE'S THE
DOWN SIDE TO DATING A DOCTOR.
71
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:38,167
[laughter]
72
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,230
I HAVE FOUR QUESTIONS.
73
00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:48,573
SHE SEEMS POPULAR. HOW COME
NOBODY'S SIGNED HER CAST?
74
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:51,797
HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN WEARING
THOSE JEAN SHORTS?
75
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,070
DOES HER HMO
COVER SLUTTY ACCIDENTS?
76
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:58,267
HAS SHE BEEN BANGED
IN THAT GAMING CHAIR?
77
00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:00,497
THAT LAST ONE'S RHETORICAL.
78
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,430
ALL RIGHT,
GET PLENTY OF REST.
79
00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:05,103
WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK ON YOUR
HANDS AND KNEES IN NO TIME.
80
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,630
I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT
RECENTLY,
81
00:04:06,633 --> 00:04:09,073
AND I WENT WITH A PINK CAST
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY,
82
00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,597
BUT EVERYBODY JUST TEASED ME,
SAID I LOOKED GAY.
83
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,800
[moans]
84
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:19,200
THE WEIRD PART ABOUT THAT CAST
IS I JUST HAD AN ANKLE SPRAIN.
85
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,270
I'M NOT SURE THESE NEXT GIRLS
ARE FOLLOWING THE RECIPE.
86
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,797
[beaters whirring]
87
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,600
- [laughs]
88
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,233
[screams]
89
00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:34,533
[laughter]
90
00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:36,973
- LOOKS LIKE
WE'RE HAVING HAIR PIE.
91
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:39,467
WHO WANTS TO LICK
THE BEATERS?
92
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:40,597
[beaters whirring]
93
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,400
- [screams]
94
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,400
- ARE YOU HAPPY NOW,
FEMINISTS?
95
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,370
YOU GOT YOUNG GIRLS ALL CONFUSED
IN THE KITCHEN.
96
00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:50,097
[laughter]
97
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:53,900
PRETTY SURE MILEY CYRUS' BARBER
USES A FOOD PROCESSOR.
98
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,370
WHAT'S NEXT?
99
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:58,367
[funky music]
100
00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:00,727
**
101
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,433
- * CAN YOU QUACK?
102
00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:05,803
* CAN YOU QUACK
LIKE A DUCK WHEN YOU SUCK? *
103
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,870
- GREAT. NOW I'VE GOT TO
CHANGE MY RINGTONE.
104
00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:10,367
LET'S HEAD DOWN TO
AUSTIN, TEXAS,
105
00:05:10,367 --> 00:05:12,067
THE LIVE MUSIC CAPITAL
OF THE WORLD,
106
00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:13,067
IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
107
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,597
[cheers and applause]
108
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,070
AW, THE SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST
FESTIVAL
109
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,397
IS STILL WORKING OUT
THE KINKS.
110
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,070
[laughter]
111
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,267
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT--
112
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:24,227
IT'S NOT COOL TO BURN THE FLAG,
BUT YOU'RE OKAY
113
00:05:24,233 --> 00:05:27,633
WITH LETTING PERVERT JESUS
COVER IT IN BALL SWEAT?
114
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:40,197
I CAN'T BELIEVE PITCHFORK
ONLY GAVE THIS A 7.2.
115
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:58,267
HE IS ASKING
ALL THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
116
00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,967
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS
KNEW ALL THE WORDS.
117
00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:02,627
IF I EVER GET MARRIED,
118
00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:05,073
"CAN YOU [bleep] ON MY CHEST
FOR GOOD LUCK"
119
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:08,897
WILL BE ENGRAVED INSIDE
OUR WEDDING BANDS.
120
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,370
- * CAN YOU QUACK?
121
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,867
* CAN YOU QUACK LIKE A DUCK
WHEN YOU SUCK? *
122
00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:17,897
- THIS HAPPENS TO LADY GAGA
ALL THE TIME.
123
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,400
HEY, THAT'S NOT
HOW YOU MAKE A REQUEST.
124
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,500
YOU PULL THAT CRAP AT
THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER,
125
00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:23,630
THEY'LL KICK YOU OUT.
126
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,503
[laughter]
127
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,600
AS LONG AS YOU MAKE
A SARCASTIC FACE,
128
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,070
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH
GIVING ANOTHER DUDE A HAND JOB.
129
00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:33,497
I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION
130
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:36,130
THIS GUY'S GETTING PAID
IN HEROIN.
131
00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:37,903
OH, I JUST HOPE
THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS BETTER
132
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,870
WHEN THEY DO THIS SONG
ON GLEE.
133
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,197
UH, ATTENTION,
134
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,900
THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD
SEATS AVAILABLE IN FRONT.
135
00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:45,730
DON'T BE AFRAID TO MOVE UP.
136
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:49,533
MIGHT WANT TO SPRINKLE SOME
SCOTT'S TURFMASTER ON YOUR LAWN.
137
00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:51,873
OR STOP BURNING CROSSES.
138
00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:53,197
IT COULD BE WORSE.
139
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,430
THEY COULD BE
IN RYAN SEACREST'S BACKYARD,
140
00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:57,073
LISTENING TO OWL CITY,
AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
141
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,427
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MY NEW FAVORITE SUPERHERO.
142
00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:03,073
BUT FIRST, OFFICER DOWN.
ALL UNITS COME MAKE FUN OF HIM.
143
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:06,097
[sirens]
144
00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,930
[audience ohs]
145
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,533
[applause]
146
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,167
- I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
HOW FAST
147
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:21,527
I CAN CRANK
THIS STATIONARY BICYCLE
148
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:24,433
AT THE LOWEST RESISTANCE
SETTING.
149
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800
[laughter]
150
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,370
WHOO!
151
00:07:32,367 --> 00:07:39,227
I AM THE FIRST HUMAN EVER TO RUN
OVER 30 MILES PER HOUR.
152
00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:40,703
WHOO!
153
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,170
[grunts]
154
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:44,197
WHOO-HOO!
155
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,870
WOW! THAT'S
SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.
156
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,427
THAT'S THE X12.
157
00:07:50,433 --> 00:07:53,773
- I GUESS GREAT POWER DOES NOT
COME WITH A GREAT DENTAL PLAN.
158
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,927
THAT GENETIC MARVEL IS X12,
159
00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:58,073
AND HE'S POSTED HUNDREDS OF
VIDEOS, DOCUMENTING
160
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,867
THAT HE IS THE WORLD'S
FIRST REAL SUPERHERO.
161
00:08:00,867 --> 00:08:03,067
HE WEARS THAT VEST
AS A SYMBOL OF JUSTICE
162
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,267
OR MAYBE BECAUSE
IT'S SHINY.
163
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,697
THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT
SUPERHEROES FOR SURE
164
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,430
IS THAT SETH ROGEN
AND VAN WILDER
165
00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:11,373
SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED
TO PLAY ONE.
166
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,627
BEING A HERO MEANS YOU
HAVE TO CATCH CRIMINALS
167
00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:15,773
AND DRESS LIKE
A FIGURE SKATER.
168
00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,567
YOU COULDN'T SAVE MANKIND IN
A SENSIBLE PAIR OF CARGO PANTS?
169
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,267
AND EVERY SUPERHERO HAS
THE SAME SECRET HIDEOUT.
170
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,827
IT'S CALLED "THE CLOSET."
171
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:25,273
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
SUPERHEROES ALL HAVE DAY JOBS.
172
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:26,427
I CAN BARELY STAY AWAKE
173
00:08:26,433 --> 00:08:28,773
THROUGH THREE EPISODES
OF THE BRONSON PINCHOT PROJECT,
174
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:32,427
SO THERE'S NO WAY I'M STOPPING
A MURDER AFTER I GET OFF WORK.
175
00:08:32,433 --> 00:08:34,373
WANT TO KNOW WHY WHY THERE ARE
NO BLACK SUPERHEROES?
176
00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,767
BECAUSE THEY ALL GOT SCOOPED UP
BY THE NBA AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.
177
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,767
WONDER WOMAN HAS THE ABILITY TO
MAKE PEOPLE TELL THE TRUTH.
178
00:08:40,767 --> 00:08:44,497
ONLY A WOMAN WOULD CONSIDER
HONESTY A SUPER POWER.
179
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,730
AND IF SUPERMAN
CAN GO BACK IN TIME
180
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:48,603
BY REVERSING
THE POLARITY OF THE EARTH,
181
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,330
THEN WHY DOESN'T HE GO BACK
AND STOP THE HOLOCAUST?
182
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,233
WHAT A SUPER JERK.
183
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,603
THE REAL SUPERHEROES ARE THE
POLICE, FIREMEN, AND SOLDIERS
184
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,430
WHO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE
TO DEFEND OUR FREEDOM.
185
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:01,533
[applause]
I'M KIDDING.
186
00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,173
THEY'RE JUST LIKE
YOU AND ME,
187
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,397
EXCEPT THEY COULDN'T GET INTO
A FOUR YEAR COLLEGE.
188
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,230
X12 SEEMS LIKE
A VERY SPECIAL CASE.
189
00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:10,333
THAT'S WHY I INTENTIONALLY
JUMPED OFF A BUILDING,
190
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,173
SO HE WOULD HAVE TO FLY HERE
AND SAVE ME
191
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,067
FOR THIS WEEK'S
"CEWEBRITY" PROFILE.
192
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,427
[applause]
193
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,973
[dramatic music]
194
00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:22,327
I HAVE BEEN ON THESE
WILD GOOSE CHASES BEFORE.
195
00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:24,433
EVERYBODY CLAIMS
SUPERHUMAN ABILITIES,
196
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,803
BUT IT NEVER PANS OUT.
197
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,670
- YES, BUT FOR
SOME CRAZY REASON,
198
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,097
I HAVE A FEELING
ABOUT THIS ONE.
199
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:33,800
- YEAH, JERRY. YOUR FEELING
IS GONNA GET ME KILLED.
200
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:39,833
INVISIBILITY.
BRAVO.
201
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,733
- HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR.
202
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,767
- GOOD ONE, X12.
203
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:47,527
HOW DID YOU COME UP
WITH THE NAME X12?
204
00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:49,833
- I'M AN EXPERIMENTAL
SUPERHUMAN.
205
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:54,403
I WAS DEVELOPED IN DECEMBER,
THE 12TH MONTH OF THE YEAR.
206
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,930
- THAT MAKES SENSE.
207
00:09:55,933 --> 00:09:58,903
WHAT DO YOU THINK GAVE YOU THIS
SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH?
208
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:01,930
- FOODS, SUPPLEMENTS,
AND MY TRAINING.
209
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:03,673
- OKAY, TALK TO ME
ABOUT YOUR DIET.
210
00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:08,567
- MY DIET IS TUNA FISH, CHILI,
CORN BEEF HASH,
211
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,367
PINTO BEANS, OKRA,
SPINACH,
212
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:14,327
ORANGE JUICE, MUSCLE MILK,
AND SUBWAY FOOD.
213
00:10:14,333 --> 00:10:15,933
- ALL SENSIBLE.
214
00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:18,903
OF ALL YOUR TALENTS, WHICH IS
THE MOST IMPRESSIVE?
215
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:19,970
- MY FAST WALK.
216
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,327
- I'M GONNA BE HONEST,
217
00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:23,273
WHEN I WATCHED THAT VIDEO OF
THE FAST WALK, I LAUGHED.
218
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,603
WHY WERE THE CONES SET UP
SO CLOSE TOGETHER?
219
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,900
- 'CAUSE IT TELLS YOU
MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED.
220
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,770
MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED IS AROUND
20 MILES AN HOUR.
221
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,097
MY OVERALL SPEED IS
11 MILES PER HOUR.
222
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,670
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF
THAT, X12,
223
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,267
BUT IT SOUNDS AMAZING.
224
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,497
DO YOU HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES
THAT YOU KNOW OF?
225
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,970
- FLYING.
226
00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:46,067
- YOU DON'T LIKE TO FLY
OR YOU CAN'T FLY?
227
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,197
- I DON'T LIKE TO FLY.
- OKAY.
228
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,770
I WAS ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND
229
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,827
IF WE HAD SOMEBODY
THAT COULD FLY,
230
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,503
BUT YOU'RE JUST
NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.
231
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,130
- I'VE BEEN BEHIND THE CONTROL
OF AN AIRPLANE BEFORE
232
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:59,003
AND I'VE FLOWN ONE
WHILE IT WAS IN FLIGHT.
233
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,870
- I'M SO GLAD
I WASN'T ON THAT FLIGHT.
234
00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:04,927
- [laughs]
235
00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,503
- WHERE IS YOUR SECRET LAIR?
236
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,600
- HOUSTON, TEXAS.
237
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,570
- THAT'S NO LONGER A SECRET
NOW.
238
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,067
DO YOU GET A LOT OF RAIN
IN HOUSTON?
239
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:15,627
- YES, THE STREETS FLOOD, AND I
PUSH THE CARS OUT OF THE--
240
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:20,573
- YOU PUSH CARS WITH YOUR HANDS
OUT OF FLOODED WATERS?
241
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,427
- I TELL THE DRIVER,
"GET IN THE CAR,
242
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:24,773
"OPERATE THE STEERING WHEEL
AND THE BRAKE,
243
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,827
AND I'LL PUSH YOUR CAR."
244
00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:27,533
- AND YET, YOU WERE
COMPLETELY UNDERWATER?
245
00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:29,073
- NO.
246
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,827
- THAT'D HAVE BEEN FUNNY
IF YOU WERE.
247
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,573
DID YOU PUSH IT DEEPER?
- I PUSHED IT UP AN UP-RAMP.
248
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,097
- YOU WENT UP A HILL?
249
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,270
- THE CAR WEIGHED ABOUT
3,200 POUNDS.
250
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,827
- THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
251
00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:40,803
I WAS EXPECTING YOU TO SAY
A NUMBER THAT WASN'T RIGHT.
252
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,830
THAT WAS RIGHT.
THAT'S A BIG-SIZED CAR, THOUGH.
253
00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:45,073
- ABOUT THE SIZE
OF A NISSAN ALTIMA.
254
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,167
- MM-MM, NO.
NOW YOU WENT WRONG.
255
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,897
I THINK A NISSAN ALTIMA
IS GONNA BE LIGHTER.
256
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:50,600
SO WE'RE GONNA SAY
2,000 POUNDS OUT OF WATER.
257
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,670
IS THAT FAIR? OR DO YOU
WANT TO STICK TO 3,200?
258
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:55,867
- 3,200. A NISSAN ALTIMA
WEIGHS 3,200 POUNDS.
259
00:11:55,867 --> 00:11:57,097
- I'M GONNA LOOK THAT UP.
I'M GONNA HAVE MY TEAM--
260
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,530
I'M GONNA HAVE MY RESEARCHERS
LOOK THAT UP,
261
00:11:58,533 --> 00:11:59,873
AND I'M GONNA HAVE
MY ASSISTANT--MY ASSISTANT--
262
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:03,397
HOW MUCH DOES A NISSAN ALTIMA
WEIGH? GOOGLE IT!
263
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,500
I'LL HAVE HIM GOOGLE IT.
- ON WIKIPEDIA.
264
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,930
- WIKI--SCRAP THE GOOGLE!
WIKIPEDIA!
265
00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:12,303
WHAT FAMOUS BAD GUY
WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO FIGHT?
266
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,300
- THE TERRORISTS.
267
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,970
- DO YOU FEEL,
AS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER,
268
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:19,397
THAT YOUR STRENGTHS
ARE DIMINISHING?
269
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,870
- IT'S NOT.
270
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,097
- SO, WHAT YOU'RE IMPLYING IS
THAT YOU'RE REVERSING AGING.
271
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,100
- I'M REVERSE AGING.
272
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,730
- WILL YOU EVENTUALLY
TURN BACK INTO A BABY?
273
00:12:26,733 --> 00:12:28,433
- NO.
[laughs]
274
00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:30,473
- THEN THAT WOULD TURN
MORE INTO A BIB,
275
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,067
WHICH WOULD BE APPROPRIATE
AT THE END.
276
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,967
- THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO
BABYSIT ME.
277
00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:36,427
- I'LL BABYSIT YOU, X12.
278
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,273
I'M GONNA SAY A WORD, X-12,
AND I WANT YOU TO SAY
279
00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:41,097
THE FIRST THING
THAT POPS INTO YOUR MIND.
280
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,700
CAR.
- GET OUT OF THE WAY.
281
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,970
- PEACHES.
- SWEETNESS.
282
00:12:45,967 --> 00:12:48,567
- HONEYMOON.
- HOTEL SUITE.
283
00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:50,767
- JACK FROST.
- FROSTBITE.
284
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:53,067
- HMM.
THAT ONE WE CAN'T COUNT.
285
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:56,967
YOU USED THE WORD "FROST"
IN IT. SORRY.
286
00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:58,697
OKAY, THERE'S NO DENYING
YOUR SUPERHUMAN MIND.
287
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,730
THESE READINGS
ARE OFF THE CHARTS.
288
00:13:00,733 --> 00:13:03,233
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO
TEST YOUR BODY, X12.
289
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:06,073
- LET'S DO IT.
- FIRST THINGS FIRST.
290
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:09,527
CAN YOU PLEASE OPEN
THIS JAR OF PICKLES?
291
00:13:09,533 --> 00:13:12,373
- [grunts]
292
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:15,067
- OKAY, THAT DOESN'T
TELL US ANYTHING EXCEPT,
293
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:17,627
I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH
THAT LID FOR TWO WEEKS,
294
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:20,073
AND I APPRECIATE IT.
295
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:23,767
- EAT THIS.
296
00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:25,197
THAT SHOULD HAVE
KILLED HIM.
297
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,800
- BUT IT DIDN'T,
SO THAT IS INTERESTING.
298
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,430
HOW IS HE DOING?
299
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,473
- HE HAS BEEN RUNNING NONSTOP
FOR FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS.
300
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,597
- AT WHAT SPEED?
- HE'S STILL SPEEDING UP.
301
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,300
- MAGNIFICENT.
302
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,630
LET'S SEE HOW FAST
YOU CAN DRINK THIS SLURPEE.
303
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,127
- THAT IS THE LEAST AMOUNT
OF BRAIN FREEZE
304
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:49,473
ANY MAN HAS EVER GOTTEN!
305
00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:52,467
[dramatic music]
306
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:56,227
*
307
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:59,173
- DOES IT HURT?
308
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:02,367
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF YOU
CAN SHATTER THIS GLASS
309
00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:04,697
ONLY USING YOUR VOICE.
310
00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:07,400
- [screams]
311
00:14:08,833 --> 00:14:12,633
- JERRY, QUIT SENDING DICK PICS
TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
312
00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:15,633
- OH, UH, THIS IS A PICTURE
FOR MY PHYSICIAN.
313
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:17,733
- HAND HIM
THE STRENGTH-O-METER.
314
00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:22,733
[bell dings]
AMAZING!
315
00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:25,673
GIVE HIM HIS PRIZE.
316
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,197
[clangs]
317
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,067
YOUR NEW SUIT
LOOKS GREAT.
318
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,797
DON'T PUT THAT THING ON.
FINE.
319
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,430
THIS CERTIFICATE HERE STATES
THAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
320
00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:40,503
ACKNOWLEDGES
YOUR SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.
321
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,470
WE EVEN PUT A GOLD STAR ON THERE
BECAUSE YOU DID SO WELL.
322
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,097
I WANT YOU TO
HEAD ON BACK TO HOUSTON,
323
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,070
AND WE'LL BE SENDING YOU
SOME MISSIONS IN THE MAIL.
324
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:49,297
NOT THAT DOOR.
325
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,300
[dramatic music]
326
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:53,670
*
327
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,327
I WISH YOU HADN'T SEEN THAT.
328
00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:58,603
[gunshot]
329
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,070
[crash]
330
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,927
[laughter]
331
00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,833
I DON'T THINK THE WORLD'S
READY FOR X12.
332
00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:06,933
- I DON'T THINK X12 CAN TIE
HIS OWN [bleep] SHOES.
333
00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:09,073
[laughter]
334
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,197
[applause]
335
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:15,530
[laughter]
336
00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:18,133
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I
SLEEP A LITTLE BETTER AT NIGHT,
337
00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:21,373
KNOWING X12
HAS MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS.
338
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
BUT FIRST,
339
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:25,867
WHO KNEW STRASBURG WAS SUCH
A PROGRESSIVE COMMUNITY?
340
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:28,867
- DRIVERS CAN NOW FINALLY
TRAVEL ON ROUTE 209
341
00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:31,297
WITHOUT TAKING
A TWO-MILE DETOUR.
342
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:34,200
FOR SOME DRIVERS,
IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.
343
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,430
- WELL, IT MAKES IT BETTER
FOR GOING TO STRASBURG.
344
00:15:36,433 --> 00:15:37,673
IT MAKES IT BETTER
345
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,567
WHEN I GO DOWN FISHING
IN THE DELAWARE RIVER.
346
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,067
OR IF I GO HUNTING
DOWN IN THE DELAWARE RIVER,
347
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,627
IT MAKES IT
VERY MUCH EASIER TO GET THERE.
348
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:44,533
[applause]
349
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:50,533
[audience ohs]
350
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,973
- [bleep]!
THAT HURT.
351
00:15:52,967 --> 00:15:54,467
- IT'S OKAY.
352
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:57,627
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST AS
EMBARRASSING IF HE'D LANDED IT.
353
00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:00,833
EVER SINCE THAT DRUG ABUSING
CANCER PATIENT BLEW THE WHISTLE,
354
00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:03,073
CYCLING HAS
BECOME A NATIONAL JOKE.
355
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:04,297
PERSONALLY, I THINK
356
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:07,130
ANYONE WHO USES A TWO-WHEELED
BIKE IS A CHEATER.
357
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,073
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO
FINALLY GIVE UNICYCLING
358
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,367
THE RESPECT IT DESERVES
359
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:13,667
WITH THE PRESTIGIOUS
LE TOUR DE CUL-DE-SAC.0.
360
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,367
[electronic beep]
361
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,597
[starter pistol fires]
362
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,600
[calliope music]
363
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:25,500
**
364
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:34,970
- AHH-HH-HH-HH-HH-HH...
365
00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:38,067
*
366
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,867
[audience ohs]
367
00:16:39,867 --> 00:16:46,967
**
368
00:16:46,967 --> 00:16:53,067
[cheers and applause]
369
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,803
- [laughs]
370
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,130
I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY
APOLOGIZE FOR CHEATING
371
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,233
TO THE USDA,
WHO HANDLES CYCLING
372
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,733
AND ALL GROUND BEEF
RELATED ISSUES.
373
00:17:07,733 --> 00:17:09,333
I WAS GONNA CONFESS
ON OPRAH,
374
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:11,933
BUT I KNEW MORE PEOPLE
WOULD SEE IT ON MY SHOW.
375
00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:14,373
SURE, I USE
AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE
376
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,067
WITH A SELF-BALANCING
GYROSCOPE,
377
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,497
BUT EVERYBODY WAS CHEATING.
378
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,270
HELL, CARLY
TOOK OFF HER SEAT
379
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:23,127
JUST SO SHE COULD ORGASM
HER WAY INTO SECOND PLACE.
380
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:24,773
GO TO OUR BLOG
AND UPLOAD A CLIP
381
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:26,097
FOR A CHANCE TO BE
OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
382
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,100
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
383
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,200
- I JUST THINK IT'S TIME
384
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,230
THAT WE TAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP
TO THE NEXT LEVEL,
385
00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:36,073
SO, ALEXA, WILL YOU--
386
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,067
[laughter]
387
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,227
DON'T MAKE ME.
THIS IS--THIS IS HARD.
388
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:39,503
- I KNOW. YOU KNOW
WHAT THE ANSWER IS, THOUGH.
389
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,730
- OKAY.
WILL YOU HELP ME OUT, THEN?
390
00:17:40,733 --> 00:17:41,733
- OKAY, YEAH.
391
00:17:41,733 --> 00:17:42,933
- ALEXA...
- ALEXA...
392
00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:45,403
- WILL YOU MARRY ME?
- WILL YOU HAVE BUTT SEX...
393
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,670
WITH ME?
394
00:17:46,667 --> 00:17:49,667
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
395
00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:52,267
- THIS IS ABOUT ANAL?
- YEAH.
396
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,097
- YOU LIT CANDLES!
397
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,500
- YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
LOOSEN YOU UP.
398
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:59,430
- LOOS--LOOSEN ME UP?
- TO THE IDEA.
399
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:02,233
I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE NOT
REALLY INTO THIS.
400
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,103
I MEAN, SHOULD I
EVEN READ THE POEM?
401
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:07,070
- THE ANSWER IS NO.
- TO THE POEM?
402
00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:08,397
- TO EVERYTHING.
403
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,570
- I THINK THIS CAN BENEFIT
THE BOTH OF US.
404
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:14,727
THESE ARE BUTT BUCKS,
OKAY?
405
00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:18,603
YOU CAN CASH THEM IN AND GET ME
TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.
406
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,070
WHATEVER YOU WAN--
407
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:23,227
- YOU'RE USING MY ASS
AS CURRENCY.
408
00:18:23,233 --> 00:18:25,603
- WELL, IT'S MORE OF
A REWARDS-BASED SYSTEM.
409
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,700
- I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
- I DO LOVE YOU, OKAY?
410
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:32,730
THIS IS A SPECIAL MOMENT
THAT WE CAN SHARE TOGETHER
411
00:18:32,733 --> 00:18:35,473
FOR, LIKE, 70 BUTT BUCKS.
412
00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:38,067
- THE PROBLEM
WITH BUTT BUCKS IS,
413
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:39,427
THEY'RE EASY TO COUNTERFEIT.
414
00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:42,173
YEAH, I'VE BEEN BURNED MORE
TIMES THAN I CARE TO ADMIT.
415
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,467
I NEED TO GET ONE OF
THOSE BUTT BUCK MARKERS.
416
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,467
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE JOCKS.
417
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:48,367
[applause]
418
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,670
[applause]
419
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:56,867
- WELCOME BACK.
420
00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,567
HERE'S A QUICK SCARF TIP
FOR YOU.
421
00:18:58,567 --> 00:18:59,897
IF YOU'RE GONNA WEAR IT
UNDER A JACKET,
422
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:02,370
I SUGGEST
YOU WRAP IT LIKE THIS.
423
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,767
CASHMERE.
424
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,597
NEXT WEEK I'LL BE DOING
A SPOILER ALERT
425
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,530
OF ALL THE MOVIES
THAT ARE NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR,
426
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:15,403
SO IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON
WATCHING THEM, DON'T BOTHER.
427
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,070
NOW, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER,
GO TO OUR BLOG,
428
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,727
AND COME SEE ME
ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR
429
00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:22,733
WITH SPECIAL GUEST
JERROD CARMICHAEL.
430
00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:25,373
I'M SORRY, THAT IS ACTUALLY
MR. COOPER.
431
00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:27,867
I PROMISE WE WILL GET
THIS SLIGHTLY RACIST MESS
432
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,927
STRAIGHTENED OUT
EVENTUALLY.
433
00:19:29,933 --> 00:19:31,533
ALL RIGHT,
IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR
434
00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:33,173
WHERE YOU'RE EITHER DEPRESSED
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE
435
00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:35,397
OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU'RE
TRAPPED IN A RELATIONSHIP.
436
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,170
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
437
00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:39,527
TO MAKE IT EXTRA SPECIAL,
I GAVE MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS
438
00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:42,073
THE CHANCE TO PROCLAIM
THEIR LOVE ON TV,
439
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,967
AS LONG AS THEY INCLUDED
ONE THING THEY WANTED CHANGED
440
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:46,297
ABOUT THEIR SWEETHEART,
441
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:50,230
IN A SEGMENT CALLED,
"BE MINE AND BE BETTER."
442
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,473
[laughter]
443
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,297
YOU DON'T GOSSIP WHILE YOUR MAN
IS DRIVING A VEHICLE.
444
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,400
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO--
YOU SIT THERE QUIETLY,
445
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,100
AND ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE
YOU REACH YOUR DESTINATION,
446
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,900
YOU SAY, "HEY, WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME ROAD HEAD?"
447
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,830
- SWEDISH FISH GOT ONE THING
RIGHT--NO YELLOW, NO GREEN.
448
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:25,373
I WOULDN'T MIND AN ORANGE.
CHA CHA CHA.
449
00:20:28,967 --> 00:20:32,097
RACHEL, TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS.
IT'S [bleep] GROSS.
450
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:41,797
WHY IS "GRAVY" CAPITALIZED?
IS THAT HOW BAD HER GRAVY IS?
451
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,470
AMY HAS NO IDEA.
SHE'S MAKING A SUB-PAR GRAVY.
452
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:47,727
THIS GUY'S NOT ASKING
FOR AN EXCELLENT GRAVY.
453
00:20:47,733 --> 00:20:49,303
"I WANT THE BEST GRAVY!"
454
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:53,200
HE WANTS A DECENT GRAVY
SO HE CAN CHOKE DOWN
455
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,830
THAT DOG FOOD
YOU CALL DINNER.
456
00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:03,427
BYE-BYE, SHAQUEFFA.
WHITE GIRL NEVER STOOD A CHANCE.
457
00:21:03,433 --> 00:21:05,533
SEE YOU ON THE POST-SHOW.
GOOD NIGHT.
458
00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:08,233
[applause]
459
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,070
- WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT X12
BECAME SO POPULAR?
460
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,197
- YES.
461
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,370
- WERE YOU SHOCKED THAT
WE CALLED YOU?
462
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:22,527
- I NEVER HEARD OF YOUR SHOW.
- WHAT?
463
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:25,473
X12,
IF YOU WEREN'T SUPERHUMAN,
464
00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:26,727
I WOULD REACH
ACROSS THIS TABLE.
34238
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