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1
00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:30,997
[audience ohs]
2
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:33,333
- ARE YOU OKAY?
3
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,897
[cheers and applause]
4
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:46,767
- AH, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE THAT CLIP ON MTV
5
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,570
IN A YEAR AND A HALF.
6
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,000
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
7
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,403
THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE HIGH
POINT OF YOUR SEASON, LONGHORNS.
8
00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:54,833
TONIGHT WE FIND OUT
IF THIS GUY IS ALIVE,
9
00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,727
I CHAT WITH AN UP
AND COMING NEW ARTIST,
10
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,827
AND I FIND OUT HOW MUCH
OF THE QADDAFI VIDEO
11
00:00:58,867 --> 00:01:00,697
I CAN ACTUALLY SHOW ON TV.
12
00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:02,903
NOW LET'S GO BACK AND SEE
WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PERFORM
13
00:01:02,933 --> 00:01:04,733
STUNTS ON A CLOSED COURSE.
14
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,270
YEAH, THAT'S THE THING
ABOUT MOTORCYCLES.
15
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:16,070
YOU NEVER HEAR THEM COMING.
16
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:21,397
OH, I HOPE
SHE WASN'T THE CUTE ONE.
17
00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:25,173
LIKE, EVEN THE DOG KNOWS
NOT TO STAND ON THE TRACK.
18
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,470
AND SHE WAS JUST GETTING
TO THE GOOD PART
19
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,100
OF HER REALLY LONG STORY.
20
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,673
HERE'S JUST ANOTHER
DRUNK AFTERNOON
21
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,230
IN THE RED SOX CLUBHOUSE.
22
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,370
- ONE MORE,
ONE MORE, ONE MORE!
23
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,230
- THEY'RE BOTH OUT!
24
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:52,070
ESPN JUST FOUND
THEIR NEXT 30 FOR 30.
25
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,700
LOOK AT THIS.
HE DOESN'T SPILL A DROP.
26
00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:58,133
THAT IS A TRUE ALCOHOLIC.
27
00:01:58,167 --> 00:01:59,867
AH, THEY'LL LAUGH
ABOUT IT LATER
28
00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:02,300
WHEN THEY'RE ON
THEIR DOUBLE DATE RAPE.
29
00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:05,203
TIME FOR A LITTLE
SKANK ON STANK ACTION.
30
00:02:05,233 --> 00:02:07,073
- YOU'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.
31
00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:09,227
- WE'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK,
32
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:12,927
AND WE SHOT A DEAD SKUNK.
33
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:16,067
- YOU GONNA KISS HIM?
34
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,127
KISS HIS LIPS.
35
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:18,267
- EW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE--
36
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,830
'CAUSE LOOK AT ITS MOUTH.
37
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:24,597
EW, IT'S WET!
38
00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,403
- HER CLEAVAGE IS ALMOST
ENOUGH TO OVERCOME THE FACT
39
00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:30,703
THAT SHE'S MAKING OUT
WITH A ROTTING CARCASS.
40
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:34,273
REALLY PUTTING THAT
HPV VACCINE TO THE TEST.
41
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:38,530
- EW, IT'S WET!
42
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,627
- AH, PEPE LE PEW
FINALLY GETS A CHICK,
43
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:43,427
AND HE ISN'T ALIVE
TO ENJOY IT.
44
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:44,427
WHO AM I TO JUDGE?
45
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:46,597
EVERYONE MOURNS
IN THEIR OWN WAY.
46
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,433
- GOD,
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BUDDY.
47
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:49,427
- I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
48
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:51,097
I'M AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.
49
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:54,303
GONNA MISS YOU.
AW, MAN.
50
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:01,527
AH, IT'S SO WET!
51
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,667
AH.
52
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,100
[laughs]
53
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:11,433
- HAVE SOME RESPECT!
THIS IS MY SON!
54
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:12,867
- THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.
55
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:16,070
THE ULTIMATE HOT BOX.
56
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:17,067
[flatulence]
57
00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:19,067
OH!
58
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,300
THAT ONE'S WET.
59
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,233
IT'S WEIRD THAT THE GUY
FROM BIRMINGHAM
60
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:27,297
ALWAYS WANTS TO VOLUNTEER
FOR THE KISSING SKETCHES.
61
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,533
HERE'S HOW YOU GET BULLIED
IN HOME SCHOOL.
62
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,730
JUST GIVE YOURSELF YOUR
LUNCH MONEY BEFORE YOU GET HURT.
63
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,167
- OH, GOD!
64
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,770
- OH, THAT IS NOT A BAD WAY
TO GET YOUR STEPDAD ARRESTED.
65
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,503
ALL RIGHT, YES,
YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT,
66
00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:49,603
BUT DON'T
BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT.
67
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:50,733
THAT SHIRT SAYS "SLAYER,"
68
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,067
BUT HE HITS LIKE
THOSE PUSSIES IN METALLICA.
69
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,527
ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES
THE "N" WORD CAN BE ADORABLE.
70
00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:02,497
- [baby mumbling]
71
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,633
NIGGA.
72
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:05,827
- THAT WAS HIS FIRST WORD.
73
00:04:05,867 --> 00:04:08,297
HIS SECOND WAS "ROLL TIDE."
74
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,073
NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS
ON THE CLOCK
75
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:12,267
AND SEE HOW MANY
FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
76
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,670
- NIGGA.
77
00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:17,100
- OH, THEY MUST HAVE PLAYED
A LOT OF BIGGIE IN THE WOMB.
78
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,103
- NIGGA.
79
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,303
- OH,
HIS BEST FRIEND IS BLACK,
80
00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:20,473
SO IT'S OKAY.
81
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,870
- NIGGA.
82
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:25,370
- THAT IS THE ONE DARNDEST THING
COSBY WOULDN'T LIKE.
83
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,270
- NIGGA.
- MAYBE HE JUST SAID IT
84
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,730
TO TAKE THE POWER
AWAY FROM THE WORD.
85
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,727
- NIGGA.
- OKAY, IN FAIRNESS,
86
00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:35,867
"AFRICAN AMERICAN" IS JUST TOO
HARD FOR A BABY TO PRONOUNCE.
87
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,070
- NIGGA.
88
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,867
- ALL RIGHT.
THAT LAST ONE WAS JUST FOR ME.
89
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:44,600
WHAT'S NEXT?
90
00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:48,133
OOH, THAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY
TO TRIM YOUR MUSTACHE.
91
00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:50,327
[imitates Fire Marshal Bill]
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING...
92
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:51,967
[normal voice]
IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
93
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,297
[cheers and applause]
94
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,903
ALL RIGHT, THAT HAS GOT TO BE
A RECORD TURNOUT
95
00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:58,873
FOR A FIRE SAFETY
DEMONSTRATION.
96
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:02,870
MORE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS
THAN EVER WATCHED RESCUE ME.
97
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,600
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR FIREMAN?
98
00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:07,773
EXTRA CRISPY, I HOPE.
99
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,170
TODAY PROBABLY
WASN'T THE BEST DAY
100
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,870
TO GO HEAVY
ON THE AFTERSHAVE.
101
00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:12,900
THIS IS DEFINITELY GONNA
KEEP HIM OUT OF NEXT YEAR'S
102
00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:17,173
SEXY FIREMAN CALENDAR.
103
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,770
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT IS IT ABOUT BURNING ALIVE
104
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,400
THAT MAKES YOU FORGET
ALL YOUR TRAINING?
105
00:05:21,433 --> 00:05:23,403
AND YOU GET SOME FIRE.
106
00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:26,173
AND YOU GET SOME FIRE.
107
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:32,070
NOBODY WANTS TO SPEND A MONTH
IN THE BURN WARD ALONE.
108
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,527
HE'S LIKE GODDAMN MARIO
WITH THOSE FIREBALLS.
109
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:37,667
I HOPE FOR HIS SAKE
HE GETS AN EXTRA LIFE.
110
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:40,370
THIS IS TURNING INTO TEXAS A&M
ALL OVER AGAIN.
111
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,900
I'M JUST GLAD ONCE THOSE
SPECTATORS' BLISTERS HEAL,
112
00:05:42,933 --> 00:05:45,533
THEY'LL REMEMBER WHAT NOT TO DO,
AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
113
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:48,467
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO SOLVE
THE MYSTERY OF BUMPER FACE,
114
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:52,070
BUT FIRST, HOUSTON,
WE HAVE A SWALLOWER.
115
00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:55,067
[sensual music]
116
00:05:55,067 --> 00:06:03,097
*
117
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,930
- OH, [bleep]!
118
00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:13,897
OH, MY--
119
00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:19,233
[audience groans]
120
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:22,697
- SO THAT'S WHAT
CHILD SAFETY LOCKS ARE FOR.
121
00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:25,203
DOES TRIPLE-A
TOW TO THE HOSPITAL?
122
00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:27,103
THAT'S MATT,
AND HE'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE
123
00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:29,733
WHO CAN SAY HE GOT HIT
BY A PARKED CAR.
124
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,127
BUT WHETHER OR NOT
IT KILLED HIM
125
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,567
IS ONE OF THE GREAT, UNSOLVED
MYSTERIES OF THE INTERNET.
126
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,970
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES
CAN BE VERY TRAUMATIC.
127
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:38,727
LIKE ONCE, THERE WAS THIS KID
WHO GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT
128
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,827
AND COULDN'T COME TO SCHOOL,
BUT WHEN HE FINALLY CAME BACK,
129
00:06:41,867 --> 00:06:46,327
HIS HAIR HAD TURNED
FROM BLACK INTO BRIGHT WHITE.
130
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:48,327
all: * MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM
131
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,567
* MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM
132
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,930
- A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE
133
00:06:51,967 --> 00:06:53,967
IS THE LORD PLAYING CATCH
AND RELEASE WITH YOUR SOUL.
134
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,597
ANYTIME I KNOW
I'LL BE TAKING RISKS,
135
00:06:55,633 --> 00:06:57,173
I BRING ALONG
MY HEBREW FRIEND,
136
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,630
BECAUSE IF WE DO DIE,
137
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:02,067
WE CAN SETTLE THIS JESUS THING
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
138
00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:03,167
ONE THING'S FOR SURE.
139
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,070
THERE'S NO LIGHT
AND NO LONG TUNNEL.
140
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,467
THAT'S JUST
YOUR BRAIN SHUTTING DOWN
141
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:07,870
AND YOUR EYES SWITCHING OFF.
142
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,230
I'VE NEVER SEEN
THE LIGHT MYSELF,
143
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:10,597
BUT I DO DIE A LITTLE BIT
144
00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:12,803
EVERY TIME I HEAR
SOMEONE SAY RICKY GERVAIS
145
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,903
IS A FUNNY STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
146
00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:16,403
DOES THAT COUNT?
147
00:07:16,433 --> 00:07:18,103
SHIA LABEOUF MADE THE MISTAKE
148
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,673
OF THINKING MOVIE FIGHTING
WAS THE SAME
149
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,070
AS REAL PEOPLE FIGHTING.
150
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,470
HE DIDN'T DIE,
151
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:25,900
BUT HE DID HAVE TO RETURN TO
THE HELL OF BEING SHIA LABEOUF.
152
00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:28,703
NO ONE HAS MORE NEAR-DEATH
EXPERIENCE THAN GIRLS.
153
00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:31,303
"I ALMOST DIED WHEN SHE WALKED
IN WEARING THE SAME DRESS."
154
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:34,773
I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE SO I NEVER
HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE AGAIN.
155
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,300
PEOPLE DON'T DO ANYTHING GOOD
156
00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:38,273
WITH THEIR SECOND CHANCE
AT LIFE ANYHOW.
157
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,670
TUPAC LIVED AFTER
HE GOT SHOT SIX TIMES,
158
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:44,230
AND CELEBRATED BY GETTING SHOT
SIX MORE TIMES.
159
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:45,827
MATT WAS JUST
LEANING OUT OF A CAR
160
00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:48,267
BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF
STUPID STUFF KIDS DO.
161
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,770
SO LET'S FIND OUT IF BEING
DUMBER THAN A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
162
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,200
COST HIM HIS LIFE
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
163
00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:06,327
WELCOME TO TOSH.OPRAH!
164
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:07,527
REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT,
165
00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:09,397
BECAUSE EVERYONE
IN TODAY'S STUDIO AUDIENCE
166
00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:14,803
IS GOING HOME WITH CHEWED GUM
AND OR BOOGERS!
167
00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:18,573
[cheers and applause]
168
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,500
THIS NEXT VIDEO
IS OF A YOUNG MAN
169
00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,333
WHO WAS IN
AN AWFUL ACCIDENT.
170
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:25,327
I HAVE TO WARN YOU,
IT'S GRAPHIC.
171
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:26,927
AND A LITTLE FUNNY.
172
00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,967
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
173
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,800
- OH, [bleep]!
OH, MY--
174
00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:35,933
- SADLY, IT'S OBVIOUS
FROM WATCHING THAT
175
00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:38,427
THAT HE DIED
A HORRIBLE DEATH.
176
00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:41,397
AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE
TO GIVE HIS FANS CLOSURE.
177
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:44,133
BUT [bleep] ME IF HIS
PARENTS DIDN'T CALL THE SHOW
178
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:45,527
AND TELL ME
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
179
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:49,067
WELCOME THE KID WHO GOT HIS FACE
SMASHED WITH A BUMPER.
180
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:52,197
MATT LAKE!
181
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,473
[upbeat music,
cheers and applause]
182
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:58,070
OH.
HAVE A SEAT.
183
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,630
[nervous laugh]
MAKE EYE CONTACT.
184
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:03,467
MAKE EYE CONTACT.
185
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:06,470
MATT, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE TODAY.
186
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,270
I KNOW IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT.
187
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:12,430
TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS
WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.
188
00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:13,667
- WE WERE DRIVING AROUND.
189
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,070
WE SEEN ANDY ON HIS BIKE.
190
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,327
SO SAID, "TURN RIGHT HERE.
191
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:18,667
I'M GONNA SMACK ANDY
ON HIS HEAD OUT THE CAR."
192
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,400
- NO REASON NOT TO DO THAT.
- RIGHT.
193
00:09:20,433 --> 00:09:21,603
I BELIEVE MY THOUGHT WAS
194
00:09:21,633 --> 00:09:24,303
IF I HOLD ON TO THE CAR
HARD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW,
195
00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:27,133
AND I JUST REACH OUT
AND SMACK HIM GOING 35,
196
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,467
THAT I HAVE THE STRENGTH
TO GET BACK IN THE CAR.
197
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:31,370
- 35 MILES AN HOUR--THAT WAS
THE SPEED YOU WERE GOING?
198
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,470
- RIGHT.
199
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:33,730
- THAT'S FASTER
THAN I WANTED TO HEAR.
200
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:34,767
I'LL BE HONEST.
201
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:35,830
THAT'S PRETTY INTENSE.
OKAY.
202
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,397
- IN THE VIDEO,
YOU'LL HEAR A KNOCK,
203
00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:41,373
AND IT'S WHERE WE DO HIT
ANDY'S BIKE WITH THE CAR.
204
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,830
[click]
- OH, [bleep]!
205
00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:43,897
OH, MY--
206
00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:45,473
- INSTEAD OF A BUMPER,
207
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,170
LIKE I'VE ALREADY
HEARD EVERYBODY SAYING,
208
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,070
I HIT THE HEADLIGHT
OF THE CAR.
209
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:50,627
- WITH YOUR FACE.
- RIGHT.
210
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,067
- WHAT WAS GOING
THROUGH YOUR HEAD?
211
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,167
- SMACK ANDY.
212
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,900
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA SAY THAT CAR.
213
00:09:55,933 --> 00:09:57,403
AND WHAT DID
YOUR FRIENDS DO?
214
00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:58,703
- MY FRIENDS
WERE WALKING AROUND.
215
00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:00,173
THEY PICK UP MY TEETH
FROM THE GROUND, AND--
216
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,130
- HOW SCARED [bleep]LESS
WERE THEY?
217
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,967
- I IMAGINE IT MUST HAVE BEEN
[bleep] FOR THEM
218
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,470
THAN FOR ME, LIKE--
219
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,170
- RIGHT.
YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS.
220
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,400
- YOU KNOW,
THEY JUST GOT TO WATCH ME DIE.
221
00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:10,573
- DID THEY DRIVE
TO THE HOSPITAL,
222
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,730
OR DID THEY JUST
CALL AN AMBULANCE?
223
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,027
- THEY CALLED AN AMBULANCE.
224
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,197
TAKES ABOUT 45 MINUTES
FOR THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE,
225
00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,203
WHILE I'M--
226
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,203
- THAT DOESN'T SEEM SPEEDY.
227
00:10:17,233 --> 00:10:18,603
- THE PUDDLE
OF BLOOD SURROUNDED,
228
00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:20,773
YOU KNOW,
FROM CURB TO CURB.
229
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,700
- WAIT, WAIT.
FROM CURB TO CURB?
230
00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:24,003
- YES.
231
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,703
- THAT'S JUST--
THAT'S POOR DRAINAGE, THOUGH.
232
00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:28,103
WERE YOU CONSCIOUS
THE WHOLE TIME?
233
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,473
- I CAME BACK AT ONE POINT.
234
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,370
THEY SET ME UP AGAINST THE CAR
THAT I'D HIT, YOU KNOW?
235
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,870
- YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
SIT SOMEBODY UP
236
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,630
AFTER THEY'VE HIT THEIR FACE
INTO A CAR AT 35 MILES AN HOUR.
237
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,067
- I REMEMBER, YOU KNOW,
WIPING MY FACE AND GOING,
238
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,600
"DUDE,
WHAT THE [bleep] HAPPENED?"
239
00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,003
AND RIGHT WHEN I WIPED IT,
240
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,473
MY WHOLE HAND
WAS FULL OF BLOOD.
241
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,730
LIKE, DARK RED.
242
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,327
SO I JUST
BLACKED RIGHT BACK OUT.
243
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,367
- THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
244
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,800
- MY FOUR FRONT TEETH
245
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,703
WERE EJECTED FROM THE ROOF,
246
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,173
WHICH SHATTERED THE PALATE,
247
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,600
AS WELL AS RIPPED MY LIP
IN, LIKE, AN "L" SHAPE,
248
00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,073
WHERE YOU COULD
PEEL IT LIKE THIS,
249
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,930
AND SHATTERED MY NOSE.
250
00:10:57,967 --> 00:10:59,667
THEN, AFTER I HIT,
251
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,570
I CAME BACK DOWN, CRACKED
MY SKULL IN THREE PLACES.
252
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,900
- HOW OLD WERE YOU
WHEN THIS HAPPENED?
253
00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:06,573
- 15.
- HOLY [bleep].
254
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,400
YOU REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD.
255
00:11:08,433 --> 00:11:10,703
NOW DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA?
- YEAH.
256
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:15,933
- HOW IRONIC
THAT YOUR KARMA WAS A CAR.
257
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,527
WHOSE INSURANCE COVERS THAT?
258
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:18,527
- THE DRIVER.
259
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:19,927
- THE DRIVER
OF THE PARKED CAR.
260
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:21,827
- THE DRIVER OF THE CAR
I WAS IN.
261
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,097
- COVERED IT?
- NO, IT DID NOT COVER IT.
262
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,573
- OH.
- THEY CALLED ME,
263
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,330
AND, UH, AFTER I OPENLY ADMITTED
TO OPENING THE DOOR,
264
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:30,167
THEY--THEY BASICALLY
HUNG UP ON ME,
265
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,930
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"WE ARE NOT COVERING THAT."
266
00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,097
YOU KNOW,
"IT'S YOUR FAULT."
267
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,733
- WHAT'S THE DEDUCTIBLE
ON YOUR FACE?
268
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:35,797
- 3/4 MILLION.
269
00:11:35,833 --> 00:11:38,103
- [laughs]
270
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,073
HOLY [bleep].
271
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,627
MATT, DID YOU REMEMBER
TO LEAVE A NOTE
272
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:42,967
ON THAT OTHER GUY'S CAR?
273
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,227
- I LEFT MY MARK.
274
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:46,397
- DID YOU GET CHARGED
THE DAMAGE FOR THEIR CAR?
275
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:47,403
- I DIDN'T.
276
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:48,603
THE DRIVER OF THE CAR
277
00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:51,103
HAD TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGE
TO THE HEADLIGHT.
278
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:54,933
- I THINK IF SOME KID'S FACE
SMASHED MY CAR,
279
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,127
JUST THE HEADLIGHT,
280
00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,527
I THINK I'D BE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
281
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:58,797
I'M GONNA PAY FOR THAT."
282
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:00,203
DID YOUR PARENTS GROUND YOU?
283
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:02,573
- I WAS SENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S
IN ST. LOUIS.
284
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,670
- OH, SO THEY JUST
GOT RID OF YOU.
285
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:04,870
- RIGHT.
THEY JUST SHIPPED ME OFF.
286
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,100
I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, MA."
287
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:07,573
- I WISH I WAS REAL OPRAH.
288
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,800
I'D PROBABLY HAVE SOMETHING
MEANINGFUL TO SAY RIGHT NOW.
289
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:11,403
ARE YOU GUYS BETTER NOW?
- NO.
290
00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:13,073
- WELL, THAT'S, UH, GOOD.
I MEAN, AS LONG AS--
291
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,627
AS LONG AS SHE, UH,
KICKED YOU OUT WHEN YOU WERE 15.
292
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:18,497
YOU KNOW, THOSE--
THOSE MEANINGLESS YEARS.
293
00:12:18,533 --> 00:12:20,503
DID YOU CALL SHOTGUN THAT DAY?
294
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:21,833
- NO.
295
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,267
- THAT'S THE LESSON
YOU LEARN FROM ALL THIS.
296
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,730
CALL SHOTGUN, KIDS.
297
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:27,697
SINCE THE ACCIDENT
EIGHT YEARS AGO,
298
00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,903
NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR FACE.
299
00:12:29,933 --> 00:12:32,533
ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF
THE BANDAGES, MATT?
300
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,697
- YEAH, THIS THING'S ITCHY.
301
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:43,627
- [retches]
302
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,897
OH, MY GOODNESS.
303
00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:47,103
YOU LOOK AMAZING.
304
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:49,533
- THANK YOU.
305
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,897
- WE AT TOSH.OPRAH ARE ALL ABOUT
MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE.
306
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,173
AND THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW
307
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,530
ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?
308
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:56,567
- YES.
309
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,900
- LET'S GO [bleep]
YOUR FRIEND UP.
310
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:03,867
- [screeches]
311
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,700
- MATT, GET IN.
THIS IS MY FRIEND GAIL.
312
00:13:06,733 --> 00:13:07,833
- WHAT'S UP?
313
00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:10,427
- PUT THIS ON.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.
314
00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:13,397
- [shrieks]
315
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:18,603
- IS THAT HIM?
316
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:19,803
- YEAH,
THAT'S ANDY RIGHT THERE.
317
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,333
- ALL RIGHT, GET HIM.
318
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,327
[suspenseful music]
319
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:30,367
*
320
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,800
- WHOO!
321
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,073
- YEAH!
322
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:38,567
- OH, GAIL.
323
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,730
IF YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK
AT HOME,
324
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:43,067
THAT WAS OUR OLDEST
MOVIE PARODY TO DATE.
325
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:45,730
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
CHECK OUT THIS WIENER DOG.
326
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,603
- SHAKE.
327
00:13:49,633 --> 00:13:51,133
UP.
328
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,127
GOOD.
NOW CIRCLE.
329
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:56,097
GOOD BOY.
SIT.
330
00:13:56,133 --> 00:14:00,903
SHOW YOUR WIENER.
331
00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:03,973
GOOD BOY.
332
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:12,127
[classical music]
333
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:18,167
*
334
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,070
- THAT'S PRICASSO,
335
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,227
AND STROKE-FOR-STROKE,
336
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,527
HE IS MY FAVORITE
PENIS PAINTER IN THE WORLD.
337
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:40,097
BUT I WANTED TO GET TO THE ROOT
OF THIS GUY'S TALENT.
338
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:43,973
SO, LIVE VIA SKYPE,
ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA,
339
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:47,067
PLEASE WELCOME PRICASSO.
340
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,470
- GOOD DAY.
IT'S GREAT TO BE ON YOUR SHOW.
341
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:50,770
- SORRY MY AUDIENCE
DIDN'T CLAP.
342
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,170
THEY'RE ASSHOLES.
343
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,370
I HAVE THAT SAME OUTFIT.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
344
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,300
WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOUR
PARENTS WOULD NAME YOU PRICASSO
345
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,773
AND YOU TURNED OUT TO BE AN
ARTIST WHO PAINTS WITH HIS WANG?
346
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,800
- VERY, VERY SLIM, I RECKON.
347
00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:06,203
- HEY, WHAT MAKES
THE BEST BRUSH?
348
00:15:06,233 --> 00:15:10,073
FLACCID, SEMI-CHUB,
OR FULLY AROUSED?
349
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,370
- A FLACCID BRUSH
IS DEFINITELY PREFERABLE,
350
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,100
BECAUSE YOU CAN BEND IT,
STRETCH IT, SQUASH IT,
351
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:17,633
AND YOU'RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT,
352
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,397
YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE
ARE THINKING AS WELL.
353
00:15:19,433 --> 00:15:20,873
YOU KNOW?
AT LEAST I DON'T.
354
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,470
IF I GET AN ERECTION, ALWAYS
GET A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSED,
355
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,500
I MUST SAY.
356
00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:25,703
- YEAH,
I KNOW THE FEELING.
357
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:28,233
ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE
MY BONER AROUND HERE.
358
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,897
HEY, IS IT THE SIZE
OF THE BRUSH,
359
00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:31,833
OR THE MOTION
OF THE STROKES?
360
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,567
- IT'S THE MOTION
OF THE STROKES, REALLY.
361
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,070
A NORMAL, AVERAGE-SIZED PENIS
IS PROBABLY THE BEST.
362
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:40,267
- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I TRY
TO CONVINCE EVERY GIRL OF.
363
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,530
HEY, DO THE BALLS
COME INTO PLAY AT ALL?
364
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,967
- YEAH,
I PAINT WITH MY TESTICLES.
365
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,797
YOU JUST GRAB HOLD OF THE WHOLE
LOT AND STRETCH 'EM OUT.
366
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:50,073
YOU CAN ABSORB A LOT OF PAINT
ON THE TESTICLES.
367
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:53,070
THEN YOU JUST FLAP 'EM AROUND,
YOU KNOW?
368
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:54,527
LIKE THAT.
369
00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:56,727
- YEAH, I'M FLAPPING MINE
AROUND RIGHT NOW.
370
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,097
CAN YOU HEAR THAT?
371
00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:01,173
HEY, IS IT DANGEROUS TO PLUG UP
YOUR PEE HOLE WITH PAINT?
372
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,730
- NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.
373
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,067
IT DOESN'T REALLY.
374
00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:06,097
IT ONLY GOES UP, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT IN THERE,
375
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,233
AND THEN
YOU JUST FLUSH IT OUT.
376
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,497
DRINK A LOT AND FLUSH.
377
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:11,633
- OH, YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE
SOMEONE SUCK IT OUT.
378
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,667
LIKE A SNAKE BITE.
379
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,300
DO YOU EVER
GROW YOUR PUBES OUT
380
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,603
AND USE THEM TO ADD TEXTURE
TO YOUR WORK?
381
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:20,603
- NO, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PUBES
382
00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:24,073
FOR, LIKE,
SEVEN YEARS NOW, SO.
383
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:28,627
- GOT A BLANK CANVAS MYSELF.
SINCE '92.
384
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:32,197
WOULD YOU CONSIDER, UH, BEING
MY PERSONAL MAKEUP ARTIST?
385
00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:36,973
- I HAVE PAINTED, ACTUALLY,
PEOPLE'S FACES BEFORE, YEAH.
386
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:40,727
- AH, GIRLS HATE IT
WHEN YOU PAINT IN THEIR HAIR.
387
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,127
I UNDERSTAND YOU PAINTED
A PORTRAIT OF ME.
388
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,367
MAY I SEE IT?
389
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,370
- YEP. I PAINTED IT THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU RANG UP.
390
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,097
- OH, WOW.
391
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,073
THAT MIGHT BE
YOUR MASTERPIECE, PRICASSO.
392
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,967
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU
TO PAINT THAT?
393
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,097
- TAKES ABOUT 15 MINUTES
TO PAINT ONE.
394
00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,873
UM, YOU KNOW, I DID THE--
395
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,600
DID THE HAIR THERE
WITH, UM, WITH MY TESTICLES.
396
00:17:02,633 --> 00:17:05,133
AND THESE ARE MY BUTT CHEEKS.
397
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:06,767
- THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
398
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,830
WERE YOU ABLE TO STAY FLACCID
399
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:10,267
WHILE YOU WERE PAINTING
MY PORTRAIT?
400
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,070
- UH, YES,
I DEFINITELY WAS.
401
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,770
YEAH, UM...
[laughs]
402
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,200
UM, NO, NO,
IT'S QUITE EASY.
403
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,073
I'M PRETTY WELL CONTROLLED.
- ALL RIGHT.
404
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,970
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US, PRICASSO.
405
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,727
- WELL, THANK YOU.
406
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:25,067
UH, DANIEL, ISN'T IT?
YEAH.
407
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,397
- GOOD TO KNOW
I'M HUGE IN AUSTRALIA.
408
00:17:27,433 --> 00:17:29,803
MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR BLOG
TO SEE THE ACTUAL VIDEO
409
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,973
OF PRICASSO USING HIS SCHLONG
TO PAINT MY PORTRAIT.
410
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,197
WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
UPLOAD A CLIP
411
00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:34,603
FOR THE CHANCE
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
412
00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:36,533
THIS WEEK'S WINNER--
OOH, IT'S A DOOZY.
413
00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:40,267
IT COMES FROM ANDREW ROSE
AND KURUSHI BAKHTIARI.
414
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,230
- * I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I WALK LIKE THIS *
415
00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:44,227
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I
DANCE LIKE THIS *
416
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,227
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I CAN ONLY COUNT TO SIX *
417
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:48,227
* WHAT THE HECK
COME AFTER SIX *
418
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,267
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I ALWAYS WEAR CLOTHES *
419
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,230
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M
DEFINITELY NOT ASIAN *
420
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,227
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I NEVER SEEN A FLOWER *
421
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:56,227
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND
I'VE SEEN GOD *
422
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,267
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HUNGRY *
423
00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,330
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I LIKE TO CLAP *
424
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,497
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I DO A BLACK-FLIP *
425
00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:06,333
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M
ALWAYS DRUNK *
426
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,297
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
NEED AN ABORTION? *
427
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,273
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I
BURNED DOWN A HOSPITAL *
428
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:12,230
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE *
429
00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:14,267
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I
JUMP ACROSS THE STREET *
430
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:16,100
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I SLEEP IN A CHAIR *
431
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:17,803
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND MY BUTT
IS A MAGNET *
432
00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:20,133
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND IMMUNE TO AIDS *
433
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,127
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I
ONLY LIKE ANAL *
434
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:24,127
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND DOCTORS SAY
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT *
435
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:26,197
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I'M ALLERGIC TO MY TONGUE *
436
00:18:26,233 --> 00:18:28,203
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I GOT
TO PEE WITH THE LIGHTS OFF *
437
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,503
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GRAVITY *
438
00:18:30,533 --> 00:18:32,203
* I'M SHI-THEAD,
AND I'M--MM! *
439
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:34,333
* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND
EVERYTHING'S A JOKE *
440
00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:36,927
[laughing]
441
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,100
- WE JUST PUT THAT ON TV.
442
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:51,073
SEVEN'S THE NUMBER
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR.
443
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,667
COMES AFTER SIX.
444
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,830
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE HALFWAY HOME.
445
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,827
[cheers and applause]
446
00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:07,467
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BEST SHOW
ON THE LONGHORN NETWORK.
447
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,230
NEXT WEEK, THE GUY WHO SHOT
HIMSELF GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.
448
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:16,903
[gunshot,
audience groans]
449
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:20,673
- I JUST [bleep]
SHOT MYSELF.
450
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,570
SON OF A BITCH!
451
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,070
I JUST SHOT MYSELF.
452
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:29,167
- ALL RIGHT, SHOOTING YOURSELF
IS THE BEST FORM OF GUN CONTROL.
453
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,470
PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T
FORGET TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
454
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,300
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
DURING THE SHOWS.
455
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,933
PROMISE ME THAT
YOU'LL KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG
456
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,627
AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM,
457
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,167
AND PROMISE ME YOU'LL
COME SEE ME
458
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,330
ON TOUR OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
459
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,267
YES,
EVEN THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS.
460
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,630
MY FAVORITE VIDEO
ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW
461
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:46,827
IS OF QADDAFI GETTING CAPTURED
BY THE LIBYAN REBELS.
462
00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:49,297
[men shouting]
463
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,333
OOH, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD
AROUND THE COLLAR.
464
00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,567
PROBABLY GONNA TO NEED
TWO TIDE STICKS TO GET THAT OUT.
465
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,870
THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA GET TO SHOW.
466
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,470
BUT WHAT REALLY
MAKES IT SPECIAL
467
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,630
IS THE PART WHERE ONE OF 'EM
TAKES OUT A UTILITY KNIFE
468
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,927
AND REPEATEDLY
JAMS IT UP QADDAFI'S ASS.
469
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:10,967
IF THEY CAN DO THAT
TO A WORLD LEADER,
470
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,400
I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT TO
THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON MY SHOW,
471
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:16,533
IN A NEW SEGMENT
CALLED QADDAFI'D.
472
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:17,597
[man grunts]
473
00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:31,603
- I JUST GOT QADDAFI'D.
474
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:51,133
- AH, ONE OF THOSE
FELT SO RIGHT.
475
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,067
A BIG THANKS TO QADDAFI FOR
DYING SO WE COULD DO THAT BIT.
476
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,600
SEND IN YOUR OWN
QADDAFI'ING VIDEOS,
477
00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:57,003
AND MAYBE WE'LL PUT 'EM
ON THE AIR.
478
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,873
ALL RIGHT.
TIME TO WAVE GOODBYE.
479
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,900
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
480
00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:05,633
[cheers and applause]
481
00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:14,803
- OKAY, WHO HAD IT WORSE,
482
00:21:14,833 --> 00:21:17,173
YOU OR THAT LADY WHO HAD HER
FACE RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY?
483
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,070
- I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.
484
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:22,830
- IT'S PRETTY INTENSE.
485
00:21:22,867 --> 00:21:24,127
NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO--
486
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,067
NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING
TO GOOGLE WHEN YOU GO HOME.
487
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,100
- RIGHT.
35834
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