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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:30,997 [audience ohs] 2 00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:33,333 - ARE YOU OKAY? 3 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,897 [cheers and applause] 4 00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:46,767 - AH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT CLIP ON MTV 5 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,570 IN A YEAR AND A HALF. 6 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,000 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 7 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,403 THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE HIGH POINT OF YOUR SEASON, LONGHORNS. 8 00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:54,833 TONIGHT WE FIND OUT IF THIS GUY IS ALIVE, 9 00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,727 I CHAT WITH AN UP AND COMING NEW ARTIST, 10 00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,827 AND I FIND OUT HOW MUCH OF THE QADDAFI VIDEO 11 00:00:58,867 --> 00:01:00,697 I CAN ACTUALLY SHOW ON TV. 12 00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:02,903 NOW LET'S GO BACK AND SEE WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PERFORM 13 00:01:02,933 --> 00:01:04,733 STUNTS ON A CLOSED COURSE. 14 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,270 YEAH, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT MOTORCYCLES. 15 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:16,070 YOU NEVER HEAR THEM COMING. 16 00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:21,397 OH, I HOPE SHE WASN'T THE CUTE ONE. 17 00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:25,173 LIKE, EVEN THE DOG KNOWS NOT TO STAND ON THE TRACK. 18 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,470 AND SHE WAS JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART 19 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,100 OF HER REALLY LONG STORY. 20 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,673 HERE'S JUST ANOTHER DRUNK AFTERNOON 21 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,230 IN THE RED SOX CLUBHOUSE. 22 00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,370 - ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE! 23 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,230 - THEY'RE BOTH OUT! 24 00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:52,070 ESPN JUST FOUND THEIR NEXT 30 FOR 30. 25 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,700 LOOK AT THIS. HE DOESN'T SPILL A DROP. 26 00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:58,133 THAT IS A TRUE ALCOHOLIC. 27 00:01:58,167 --> 00:01:59,867 AH, THEY'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT LATER 28 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:02,300 WHEN THEY'RE ON THEIR DOUBLE DATE RAPE. 29 00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:05,203 TIME FOR A LITTLE SKANK ON STANK ACTION. 30 00:02:05,233 --> 00:02:07,073 - YOU'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK. 31 00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:09,227 - WE'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK, 32 00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:12,927 AND WE SHOT A DEAD SKUNK. 33 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:16,067 - YOU GONNA KISS HIM? 34 00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,127 KISS HIS LIPS. 35 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:18,267 - EW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE-- 36 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,830 'CAUSE LOOK AT ITS MOUTH. 37 00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:24,597 EW, IT'S WET! 38 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,403 - HER CLEAVAGE IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO OVERCOME THE FACT 39 00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:30,703 THAT SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH A ROTTING CARCASS. 40 00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:34,273 REALLY PUTTING THAT HPV VACCINE TO THE TEST. 41 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:38,530 - EW, IT'S WET! 42 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,627 - AH, PEPE LE PEW FINALLY GETS A CHICK, 43 00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:43,427 AND HE ISN'T ALIVE TO ENJOY IT. 44 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:44,427 WHO AM I TO JUDGE? 45 00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:46,597 EVERYONE MOURNS IN THEIR OWN WAY. 46 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,433 - GOD, I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BUDDY. 47 00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:49,427 - I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. 48 00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:51,097 I'M AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK. 49 00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:54,303 GONNA MISS YOU. AW, MAN. 50 00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:01,527 AH, IT'S SO WET! 51 00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,667 AH. 52 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,100 [laughs] 53 00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:11,433 - HAVE SOME RESPECT! THIS IS MY SON! 54 00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:12,867 - THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED. 55 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:16,070 THE ULTIMATE HOT BOX. 56 00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:17,067 [flatulence] 57 00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:19,067 OH! 58 00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,300 THAT ONE'S WET. 59 00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,233 IT'S WEIRD THAT THE GUY FROM BIRMINGHAM 60 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:27,297 ALWAYS WANTS TO VOLUNTEER FOR THE KISSING SKETCHES. 61 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,533 HERE'S HOW YOU GET BULLIED IN HOME SCHOOL. 62 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,730 JUST GIVE YOURSELF YOUR LUNCH MONEY BEFORE YOU GET HURT. 63 00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,167 - OH, GOD! 64 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,770 - OH, THAT IS NOT A BAD WAY TO GET YOUR STEPDAD ARRESTED. 65 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,503 ALL RIGHT, YES, YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT, 66 00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:49,603 BUT DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. 67 00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:50,733 THAT SHIRT SAYS "SLAYER," 68 00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,067 BUT HE HITS LIKE THOSE PUSSIES IN METALLICA. 69 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,527 ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES THE "N" WORD CAN BE ADORABLE. 70 00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:02,497 - [baby mumbling] 71 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,633 NIGGA. 72 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:05,827 - THAT WAS HIS FIRST WORD. 73 00:04:05,867 --> 00:04:08,297 HIS SECOND WAS "ROLL TIDE." 74 00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,073 NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK 75 00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:12,267 AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE. 76 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,670 - NIGGA. 77 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:17,100 - OH, THEY MUST HAVE PLAYED A LOT OF BIGGIE IN THE WOMB. 78 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,103 - NIGGA. 79 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,303 - OH, HIS BEST FRIEND IS BLACK, 80 00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:20,473 SO IT'S OKAY. 81 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,870 - NIGGA. 82 00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:25,370 - THAT IS THE ONE DARNDEST THING COSBY WOULDN'T LIKE. 83 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,270 - NIGGA. - MAYBE HE JUST SAID IT 84 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,730 TO TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM THE WORD. 85 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,727 - NIGGA. - OKAY, IN FAIRNESS, 86 00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:35,867 "AFRICAN AMERICAN" IS JUST TOO HARD FOR A BABY TO PRONOUNCE. 87 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,070 - NIGGA. 88 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,867 - ALL RIGHT. THAT LAST ONE WAS JUST FOR ME. 89 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:44,600 WHAT'S NEXT? 90 00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:48,133 OOH, THAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO TRIM YOUR MUSTACHE. 91 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:50,327 [imitates Fire Marshal Bill] LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING... 92 00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:51,967 [normal voice] IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 93 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,297 [cheers and applause] 94 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,903 ALL RIGHT, THAT HAS GOT TO BE A RECORD TURNOUT 95 00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:58,873 FOR A FIRE SAFETY DEMONSTRATION. 96 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:02,870 MORE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS THAN EVER WATCHED RESCUE ME. 97 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,600 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR FIREMAN? 98 00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:07,773 EXTRA CRISPY, I HOPE. 99 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,170 TODAY PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST DAY 100 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,870 TO GO HEAVY ON THE AFTERSHAVE. 101 00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:12,900 THIS IS DEFINITELY GONNA KEEP HIM OUT OF NEXT YEAR'S 102 00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:17,173 SEXY FIREMAN CALENDAR. 103 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,770 ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS IT ABOUT BURNING ALIVE 104 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,400 THAT MAKES YOU FORGET ALL YOUR TRAINING? 105 00:05:21,433 --> 00:05:23,403 AND YOU GET SOME FIRE. 106 00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:26,173 AND YOU GET SOME FIRE. 107 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:32,070 NOBODY WANTS TO SPEND A MONTH IN THE BURN WARD ALONE. 108 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,527 HE'S LIKE GODDAMN MARIO WITH THOSE FIREBALLS. 109 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:37,667 I HOPE FOR HIS SAKE HE GETS AN EXTRA LIFE. 110 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:40,370 THIS IS TURNING INTO TEXAS A&M ALL OVER AGAIN. 111 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,900 I'M JUST GLAD ONCE THOSE SPECTATORS' BLISTERS HEAL, 112 00:05:42,933 --> 00:05:45,533 THEY'LL REMEMBER WHAT NOT TO DO, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU. 113 00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:48,467 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF BUMPER FACE, 114 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:52,070 BUT FIRST, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A SWALLOWER. 115 00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:55,067 [sensual music] 116 00:05:55,067 --> 00:06:03,097 * 117 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,930 - OH, [bleep]! 118 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:13,897 OH, MY-- 119 00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:19,233 [audience groans] 120 00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:22,697 - SO THAT'S WHAT CHILD SAFETY LOCKS ARE FOR. 121 00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:25,203 DOES TRIPLE-A TOW TO THE HOSPITAL? 122 00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:27,103 THAT'S MATT, AND HE'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE 123 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:29,733 WHO CAN SAY HE GOT HIT BY A PARKED CAR. 124 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,127 BUT WHETHER OR NOT IT KILLED HIM 125 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,567 IS ONE OF THE GREAT, UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF THE INTERNET. 126 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,970 NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES CAN BE VERY TRAUMATIC. 127 00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:38,727 LIKE ONCE, THERE WAS THIS KID WHO GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT 128 00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,827 AND COULDN'T COME TO SCHOOL, BUT WHEN HE FINALLY CAME BACK, 129 00:06:41,867 --> 00:06:46,327 HIS HAIR HAD TURNED FROM BLACK INTO BRIGHT WHITE. 130 00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:48,327 all: * MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM 131 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,567 * MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM 132 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,930 - A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE 133 00:06:51,967 --> 00:06:53,967 IS THE LORD PLAYING CATCH AND RELEASE WITH YOUR SOUL. 134 00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,597 ANYTIME I KNOW I'LL BE TAKING RISKS, 135 00:06:55,633 --> 00:06:57,173 I BRING ALONG MY HEBREW FRIEND, 136 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,630 BECAUSE IF WE DO DIE, 137 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:02,067 WE CAN SETTLE THIS JESUS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL. 138 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:03,167 ONE THING'S FOR SURE. 139 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,070 THERE'S NO LIGHT AND NO LONG TUNNEL. 140 00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,467 THAT'S JUST YOUR BRAIN SHUTTING DOWN 141 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:07,870 AND YOUR EYES SWITCHING OFF. 142 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,230 I'VE NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT MYSELF, 143 00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:10,597 BUT I DO DIE A LITTLE BIT 144 00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:12,803 EVERY TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY RICKY GERVAIS 145 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,903 IS A FUNNY STAND-UP COMEDIAN. 146 00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:16,403 DOES THAT COUNT? 147 00:07:16,433 --> 00:07:18,103 SHIA LABEOUF MADE THE MISTAKE 148 00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,673 OF THINKING MOVIE FIGHTING WAS THE SAME 149 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,070 AS REAL PEOPLE FIGHTING. 150 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,470 HE DIDN'T DIE, 151 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:25,900 BUT HE DID HAVE TO RETURN TO THE HELL OF BEING SHIA LABEOUF. 152 00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:28,703 NO ONE HAS MORE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE THAN GIRLS. 153 00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:31,303 "I ALMOST DIED WHEN SHE WALKED IN WEARING THE SAME DRESS." 154 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:34,773 I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE SO I NEVER HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE AGAIN. 155 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,300 PEOPLE DON'T DO ANYTHING GOOD 156 00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:38,273 WITH THEIR SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE ANYHOW. 157 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,670 TUPAC LIVED AFTER HE GOT SHOT SIX TIMES, 158 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:44,230 AND CELEBRATED BY GETTING SHOT SIX MORE TIMES. 159 00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:45,827 MATT WAS JUST LEANING OUT OF A CAR 160 00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:48,267 BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF STUPID STUFF KIDS DO. 161 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,770 SO LET'S FIND OUT IF BEING DUMBER THAN A GOLDEN RETRIEVER 162 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,200 COST HIM HIS LIFE IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 163 00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:06,327 WELCOME TO TOSH.OPRAH! 164 00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:07,527 REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT, 165 00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:09,397 BECAUSE EVERYONE IN TODAY'S STUDIO AUDIENCE 166 00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:14,803 IS GOING HOME WITH CHEWED GUM AND OR BOOGERS! 167 00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:18,573 [cheers and applause] 168 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,500 THIS NEXT VIDEO IS OF A YOUNG MAN 169 00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,333 WHO WAS IN AN AWFUL ACCIDENT. 170 00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:25,327 I HAVE TO WARN YOU, IT'S GRAPHIC. 171 00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:26,927 AND A LITTLE FUNNY. 172 00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,967 LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 173 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,800 - OH, [bleep]! OH, MY-- 174 00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:35,933 - SADLY, IT'S OBVIOUS FROM WATCHING THAT 175 00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:38,427 THAT HE DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH. 176 00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:41,397 AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE HIS FANS CLOSURE. 177 00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:44,133 BUT [bleep] ME IF HIS PARENTS DIDN'T CALL THE SHOW 178 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:45,527 AND TELL ME HE'S STILL ALIVE. 179 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:49,067 WELCOME THE KID WHO GOT HIS FACE SMASHED WITH A BUMPER. 180 00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:52,197 MATT LAKE! 181 00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,473 [upbeat music, cheers and applause] 182 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:58,070 OH. HAVE A SEAT. 183 00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,630 [nervous laugh] MAKE EYE CONTACT. 184 00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:03,467 MAKE EYE CONTACT. 185 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:06,470 MATT, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TODAY. 186 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,270 I KNOW IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT. 187 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:12,430 TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY. 188 00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:13,667 - WE WERE DRIVING AROUND. 189 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,070 WE SEEN ANDY ON HIS BIKE. 190 00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,327 SO SAID, "TURN RIGHT HERE. 191 00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:18,667 I'M GONNA SMACK ANDY ON HIS HEAD OUT THE CAR." 192 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,400 - NO REASON NOT TO DO THAT. - RIGHT. 193 00:09:20,433 --> 00:09:21,603 I BELIEVE MY THOUGHT WAS 194 00:09:21,633 --> 00:09:24,303 IF I HOLD ON TO THE CAR HARD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW, 195 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:27,133 AND I JUST REACH OUT AND SMACK HIM GOING 35, 196 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,467 THAT I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO GET BACK IN THE CAR. 197 00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:31,370 - 35 MILES AN HOUR--THAT WAS THE SPEED YOU WERE GOING? 198 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,470 - RIGHT. 199 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:33,730 - THAT'S FASTER THAN I WANTED TO HEAR. 200 00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:34,767 I'LL BE HONEST. 201 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:35,830 THAT'S PRETTY INTENSE. OKAY. 202 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,397 - IN THE VIDEO, YOU'LL HEAR A KNOCK, 203 00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:41,373 AND IT'S WHERE WE DO HIT ANDY'S BIKE WITH THE CAR. 204 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,830 [click] - OH, [bleep]! 205 00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:43,897 OH, MY-- 206 00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:45,473 - INSTEAD OF A BUMPER, 207 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,170 LIKE I'VE ALREADY HEARD EVERYBODY SAYING, 208 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,070 I HIT THE HEADLIGHT OF THE CAR. 209 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:50,627 - WITH YOUR FACE. - RIGHT. 210 00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,067 - WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD? 211 00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,167 - SMACK ANDY. 212 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,900 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY THAT CAR. 213 00:09:55,933 --> 00:09:57,403 AND WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS DO? 214 00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:58,703 - MY FRIENDS WERE WALKING AROUND. 215 00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:00,173 THEY PICK UP MY TEETH FROM THE GROUND, AND-- 216 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,130 - HOW SCARED [bleep]LESS WERE THEY? 217 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,967 - I IMAGINE IT MUST HAVE BEEN [bleep] FOR THEM 218 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,470 THAN FOR ME, LIKE-- 219 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,170 - RIGHT. YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS. 220 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,400 - YOU KNOW, THEY JUST GOT TO WATCH ME DIE. 221 00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:10,573 - DID THEY DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, 222 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,730 OR DID THEY JUST CALL AN AMBULANCE? 223 00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,027 - THEY CALLED AN AMBULANCE. 224 00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,197 TAKES ABOUT 45 MINUTES FOR THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE, 225 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,203 WHILE I'M-- 226 00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,203 - THAT DOESN'T SEEM SPEEDY. 227 00:10:17,233 --> 00:10:18,603 - THE PUDDLE OF BLOOD SURROUNDED, 228 00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:20,773 YOU KNOW, FROM CURB TO CURB. 229 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,700 - WAIT, WAIT. FROM CURB TO CURB? 230 00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:24,003 - YES. 231 00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,703 - THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S POOR DRAINAGE, THOUGH. 232 00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:28,103 WERE YOU CONSCIOUS THE WHOLE TIME? 233 00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,473 - I CAME BACK AT ONE POINT. 234 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,370 THEY SET ME UP AGAINST THE CAR THAT I'D HIT, YOU KNOW? 235 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,870 - YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SIT SOMEBODY UP 236 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,630 AFTER THEY'VE HIT THEIR FACE INTO A CAR AT 35 MILES AN HOUR. 237 00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,067 - I REMEMBER, YOU KNOW, WIPING MY FACE AND GOING, 238 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,600 "DUDE, WHAT THE [bleep] HAPPENED?" 239 00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,003 AND RIGHT WHEN I WIPED IT, 240 00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,473 MY WHOLE HAND WAS FULL OF BLOOD. 241 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,730 LIKE, DARK RED. 242 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,327 SO I JUST BLACKED RIGHT BACK OUT. 243 00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,367 - THEN WHAT HAPPENED? 244 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,800 - MY FOUR FRONT TEETH 245 00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,703 WERE EJECTED FROM THE ROOF, 246 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,173 WHICH SHATTERED THE PALATE, 247 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,600 AS WELL AS RIPPED MY LIP IN, LIKE, AN "L" SHAPE, 248 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,073 WHERE YOU COULD PEEL IT LIKE THIS, 249 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,930 AND SHATTERED MY NOSE. 250 00:10:57,967 --> 00:10:59,667 THEN, AFTER I HIT, 251 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,570 I CAME BACK DOWN, CRACKED MY SKULL IN THREE PLACES. 252 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,900 - HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS HAPPENED? 253 00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:06,573 - 15. - HOLY [bleep]. 254 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,400 YOU REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD. 255 00:11:08,433 --> 00:11:10,703 NOW DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? - YEAH. 256 00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:15,933 - HOW IRONIC THAT YOUR KARMA WAS A CAR. 257 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,527 WHOSE INSURANCE COVERS THAT? 258 00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:18,527 - THE DRIVER. 259 00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:19,927 - THE DRIVER OF THE PARKED CAR. 260 00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:21,827 - THE DRIVER OF THE CAR I WAS IN. 261 00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,097 - COVERED IT? - NO, IT DID NOT COVER IT. 262 00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,573 - OH. - THEY CALLED ME, 263 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,330 AND, UH, AFTER I OPENLY ADMITTED TO OPENING THE DOOR, 264 00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:30,167 THEY--THEY BASICALLY HUNG UP ON ME, 265 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,930 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE ARE NOT COVERING THAT." 266 00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,097 YOU KNOW, "IT'S YOUR FAULT." 267 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,733 - WHAT'S THE DEDUCTIBLE ON YOUR FACE? 268 00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:35,797 - 3/4 MILLION. 269 00:11:35,833 --> 00:11:38,103 - [laughs] 270 00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,073 HOLY [bleep]. 271 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,627 MATT, DID YOU REMEMBER TO LEAVE A NOTE 272 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:42,967 ON THAT OTHER GUY'S CAR? 273 00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,227 - I LEFT MY MARK. 274 00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:46,397 - DID YOU GET CHARGED THE DAMAGE FOR THEIR CAR? 275 00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:47,403 - I DIDN'T. 276 00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:48,603 THE DRIVER OF THE CAR 277 00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:51,103 HAD TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGE TO THE HEADLIGHT. 278 00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:54,933 - I THINK IF SOME KID'S FACE SMASHED MY CAR, 279 00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,127 JUST THE HEADLIGHT, 280 00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,527 I THINK I'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 281 00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:58,797 I'M GONNA PAY FOR THAT." 282 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:00,203 DID YOUR PARENTS GROUND YOU? 283 00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:02,573 - I WAS SENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS. 284 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,670 - OH, SO THEY JUST GOT RID OF YOU. 285 00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:04,870 - RIGHT. THEY JUST SHIPPED ME OFF. 286 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,100 I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, MA." 287 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:07,573 - I WISH I WAS REAL OPRAH. 288 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,800 I'D PROBABLY HAVE SOMETHING MEANINGFUL TO SAY RIGHT NOW. 289 00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:11,403 ARE YOU GUYS BETTER NOW? - NO. 290 00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:13,073 - WELL, THAT'S, UH, GOOD. I MEAN, AS LONG AS-- 291 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,627 AS LONG AS SHE, UH, KICKED YOU OUT WHEN YOU WERE 15. 292 00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:18,497 YOU KNOW, THOSE-- THOSE MEANINGLESS YEARS. 293 00:12:18,533 --> 00:12:20,503 DID YOU CALL SHOTGUN THAT DAY? 294 00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:21,833 - NO. 295 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,267 - THAT'S THE LESSON YOU LEARN FROM ALL THIS. 296 00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,730 CALL SHOTGUN, KIDS. 297 00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:27,697 SINCE THE ACCIDENT EIGHT YEARS AGO, 298 00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,903 NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR FACE. 299 00:12:29,933 --> 00:12:32,533 ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF THE BANDAGES, MATT? 300 00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,697 - YEAH, THIS THING'S ITCHY. 301 00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:43,627 - [retches] 302 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,897 OH, MY GOODNESS. 303 00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:47,103 YOU LOOK AMAZING. 304 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:49,533 - THANK YOU. 305 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,897 - WE AT TOSH.OPRAH ARE ALL ABOUT MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE. 306 00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,173 AND THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW 307 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,530 ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? 308 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:56,567 - YES. 309 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,900 - LET'S GO [bleep] YOUR FRIEND UP. 310 00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:03,867 - [screeches] 311 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,700 - MATT, GET IN. THIS IS MY FRIEND GAIL. 312 00:13:06,733 --> 00:13:07,833 - WHAT'S UP? 313 00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:10,427 - PUT THIS ON. YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. 314 00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:13,397 - [shrieks] 315 00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:18,603 - IS THAT HIM? 316 00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:19,803 - YEAH, THAT'S ANDY RIGHT THERE. 317 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,333 - ALL RIGHT, GET HIM. 318 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,327 [suspenseful music] 319 00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:30,367 * 320 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,800 - WHOO! 321 00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,073 - YEAH! 322 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:38,567 - OH, GAIL. 323 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,730 IF YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK AT HOME, 324 00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:43,067 THAT WAS OUR OLDEST MOVIE PARODY TO DATE. 325 00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:45,730 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, CHECK OUT THIS WIENER DOG. 326 00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,603 - SHAKE. 327 00:13:49,633 --> 00:13:51,133 UP. 328 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,127 GOOD. NOW CIRCLE. 329 00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:56,097 GOOD BOY. SIT. 330 00:13:56,133 --> 00:14:00,903 SHOW YOUR WIENER. 331 00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:03,973 GOOD BOY. 332 00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:12,127 [classical music] 333 00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:18,167 * 334 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,070 - THAT'S PRICASSO, 335 00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,227 AND STROKE-FOR-STROKE, 336 00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,527 HE IS MY FAVORITE PENIS PAINTER IN THE WORLD. 337 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:40,097 BUT I WANTED TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS GUY'S TALENT. 338 00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:43,973 SO, LIVE VIA SKYPE, ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA, 339 00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:47,067 PLEASE WELCOME PRICASSO. 340 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,470 - GOOD DAY. IT'S GREAT TO BE ON YOUR SHOW. 341 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:50,770 - SORRY MY AUDIENCE DIDN'T CLAP. 342 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,170 THEY'RE ASSHOLES. 343 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,370 I HAVE THAT SAME OUTFIT. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. 344 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,300 WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOUR PARENTS WOULD NAME YOU PRICASSO 345 00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,773 AND YOU TURNED OUT TO BE AN ARTIST WHO PAINTS WITH HIS WANG? 346 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,800 - VERY, VERY SLIM, I RECKON. 347 00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:06,203 - HEY, WHAT MAKES THE BEST BRUSH? 348 00:15:06,233 --> 00:15:10,073 FLACCID, SEMI-CHUB, OR FULLY AROUSED? 349 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,370 - A FLACCID BRUSH IS DEFINITELY PREFERABLE, 350 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,100 BECAUSE YOU CAN BEND IT, STRETCH IT, SQUASH IT, 351 00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:17,633 AND YOU'RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT, 352 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,397 YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING AS WELL. 353 00:15:19,433 --> 00:15:20,873 YOU KNOW? AT LEAST I DON'T. 354 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,470 IF I GET AN ERECTION, ALWAYS GET A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSED, 355 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,500 I MUST SAY. 356 00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:25,703 - YEAH, I KNOW THE FEELING. 357 00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:28,233 ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE MY BONER AROUND HERE. 358 00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,897 HEY, IS IT THE SIZE OF THE BRUSH, 359 00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:31,833 OR THE MOTION OF THE STROKES? 360 00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,567 - IT'S THE MOTION OF THE STROKES, REALLY. 361 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,070 A NORMAL, AVERAGE-SIZED PENIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST. 362 00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:40,267 - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I TRY TO CONVINCE EVERY GIRL OF. 363 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,530 HEY, DO THE BALLS COME INTO PLAY AT ALL? 364 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,967 - YEAH, I PAINT WITH MY TESTICLES. 365 00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,797 YOU JUST GRAB HOLD OF THE WHOLE LOT AND STRETCH 'EM OUT. 366 00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:50,073 YOU CAN ABSORB A LOT OF PAINT ON THE TESTICLES. 367 00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:53,070 THEN YOU JUST FLAP 'EM AROUND, YOU KNOW? 368 00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:54,527 LIKE THAT. 369 00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:56,727 - YEAH, I'M FLAPPING MINE AROUND RIGHT NOW. 370 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,097 CAN YOU HEAR THAT? 371 00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:01,173 HEY, IS IT DANGEROUS TO PLUG UP YOUR PEE HOLE WITH PAINT? 372 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,730 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 373 00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,067 IT DOESN'T REALLY. 374 00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:06,097 IT ONLY GOES UP, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT IN THERE, 375 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,233 AND THEN YOU JUST FLUSH IT OUT. 376 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,497 DRINK A LOT AND FLUSH. 377 00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:11,633 - OH, YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE SUCK IT OUT. 378 00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,667 LIKE A SNAKE BITE. 379 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,300 DO YOU EVER GROW YOUR PUBES OUT 380 00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,603 AND USE THEM TO ADD TEXTURE TO YOUR WORK? 381 00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:20,603 - NO, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PUBES 382 00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:24,073 FOR, LIKE, SEVEN YEARS NOW, SO. 383 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:28,627 - GOT A BLANK CANVAS MYSELF. SINCE '92. 384 00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:32,197 WOULD YOU CONSIDER, UH, BEING MY PERSONAL MAKEUP ARTIST? 385 00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:36,973 - I HAVE PAINTED, ACTUALLY, PEOPLE'S FACES BEFORE, YEAH. 386 00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:40,727 - AH, GIRLS HATE IT WHEN YOU PAINT IN THEIR HAIR. 387 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,127 I UNDERSTAND YOU PAINTED A PORTRAIT OF ME. 388 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,367 MAY I SEE IT? 389 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,370 - YEP. I PAINTED IT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU RANG UP. 390 00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,097 - OH, WOW. 391 00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,073 THAT MIGHT BE YOUR MASTERPIECE, PRICASSO. 392 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,967 HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO PAINT THAT? 393 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,097 - TAKES ABOUT 15 MINUTES TO PAINT ONE. 394 00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,873 UM, YOU KNOW, I DID THE-- 395 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,600 DID THE HAIR THERE WITH, UM, WITH MY TESTICLES. 396 00:17:02,633 --> 00:17:05,133 AND THESE ARE MY BUTT CHEEKS. 397 00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:06,767 - THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. 398 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,830 WERE YOU ABLE TO STAY FLACCID 399 00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:10,267 WHILE YOU WERE PAINTING MY PORTRAIT? 400 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,070 - UH, YES, I DEFINITELY WAS. 401 00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,770 YEAH, UM... [laughs] 402 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,200 UM, NO, NO, IT'S QUITE EASY. 403 00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,073 I'M PRETTY WELL CONTROLLED. - ALL RIGHT. 404 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,970 WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US, PRICASSO. 405 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,727 - WELL, THANK YOU. 406 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:25,067 UH, DANIEL, ISN'T IT? YEAH. 407 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,397 - GOOD TO KNOW I'M HUGE IN AUSTRALIA. 408 00:17:27,433 --> 00:17:29,803 MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR BLOG TO SEE THE ACTUAL VIDEO 409 00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,973 OF PRICASSO USING HIS SCHLONG TO PAINT MY PORTRAIT. 410 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,197 WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD A CLIP 411 00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:34,603 FOR THE CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 412 00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:36,533 THIS WEEK'S WINNER-- OOH, IT'S A DOOZY. 413 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:40,267 IT COMES FROM ANDREW ROSE AND KURUSHI BAKHTIARI. 414 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,230 - * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I WALK LIKE THIS * 415 00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:44,227 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DANCE LIKE THIS * 416 00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,227 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I CAN ONLY COUNT TO SIX * 417 00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:48,227 * WHAT THE HECK COME AFTER SIX * 418 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,267 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I ALWAYS WEAR CLOTHES * 419 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,230 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT ASIAN * 420 00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,227 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I NEVER SEEN A FLOWER * 421 00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:56,227 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'VE SEEN GOD * 422 00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,267 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HUNGRY * 423 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,330 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I LIKE TO CLAP * 424 00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,497 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DO A BLACK-FLIP * 425 00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:06,333 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M ALWAYS DRUNK * 426 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,297 * I'M SHI-THEAD, NEED AN ABORTION? * 427 00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,273 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I BURNED DOWN A HOSPITAL * 428 00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:12,230 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE * 429 00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:14,267 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I JUMP ACROSS THE STREET * 430 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:16,100 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I SLEEP IN A CHAIR * 431 00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:17,803 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND MY BUTT IS A MAGNET * 432 00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:20,133 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND IMMUNE TO AIDS * 433 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,127 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I ONLY LIKE ANAL * 434 00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:24,127 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND DOCTORS SAY I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT * 435 00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:26,197 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M ALLERGIC TO MY TONGUE * 436 00:18:26,233 --> 00:18:28,203 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I GOT TO PEE WITH THE LIGHTS OFF * 437 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,503 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GRAVITY * 438 00:18:30,533 --> 00:18:32,203 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M--MM! * 439 00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:34,333 * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND EVERYTHING'S A JOKE * 440 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:36,927 [laughing] 441 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,100 - WE JUST PUT THAT ON TV. 442 00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:51,073 SEVEN'S THE NUMBER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR. 443 00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,667 COMES AFTER SIX. 444 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,830 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE HALFWAY HOME. 445 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,827 [cheers and applause] 446 00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:07,467 - WELCOME BACK TO THE BEST SHOW ON THE LONGHORN NETWORK. 447 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,230 NEXT WEEK, THE GUY WHO SHOT HIMSELF GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 448 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:16,903 [gunshot, audience groans] 449 00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:20,673 - I JUST [bleep] SHOT MYSELF. 450 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,570 SON OF A BITCH! 451 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,070 I JUST SHOT MYSELF. 452 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:29,167 - ALL RIGHT, SHOOTING YOURSELF IS THE BEST FORM OF GUN CONTROL. 453 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,470 PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 454 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,300 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 455 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,933 PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG 456 00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,627 AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM, 457 00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,167 AND PROMISE ME YOU'LL COME SEE ME 458 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,330 ON TOUR OVER THE HOLIDAYS. 459 00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,267 YES, EVEN THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS. 460 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,630 MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW 461 00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:46,827 IS OF QADDAFI GETTING CAPTURED BY THE LIBYAN REBELS. 462 00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:49,297 [men shouting] 463 00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,333 OOH, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD AROUND THE COLLAR. 464 00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,567 PROBABLY GONNA TO NEED TWO TIDE STICKS TO GET THAT OUT. 465 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,870 THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET TO SHOW. 466 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,470 BUT WHAT REALLY MAKES IT SPECIAL 467 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,630 IS THE PART WHERE ONE OF 'EM TAKES OUT A UTILITY KNIFE 468 00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,927 AND REPEATEDLY JAMS IT UP QADDAFI'S ASS. 469 00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:10,967 IF THEY CAN DO THAT TO A WORLD LEADER, 470 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,400 I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON MY SHOW, 471 00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:16,533 IN A NEW SEGMENT CALLED QADDAFI'D. 472 00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:17,597 [man grunts] 473 00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:31,603 - I JUST GOT QADDAFI'D. 474 00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:51,133 - AH, ONE OF THOSE FELT SO RIGHT. 475 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,067 A BIG THANKS TO QADDAFI FOR DYING SO WE COULD DO THAT BIT. 476 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,600 SEND IN YOUR OWN QADDAFI'ING VIDEOS, 477 00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:57,003 AND MAYBE WE'LL PUT 'EM ON THE AIR. 478 00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,873 ALL RIGHT. TIME TO WAVE GOODBYE. 479 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,900 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 480 00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:05,633 [cheers and applause] 481 00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:14,803 - OKAY, WHO HAD IT WORSE, 482 00:21:14,833 --> 00:21:17,173 YOU OR THAT LADY WHO HAD HER FACE RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY? 483 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,070 - I'VE NEVER SEEN IT. 484 00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:22,830 - IT'S PRETTY INTENSE. 485 00:21:22,867 --> 00:21:24,127 NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO-- 486 00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,067 NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO GOOGLE WHEN YOU GO HOME. 487 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,100 - RIGHT. 35834

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