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(YELLING)
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[BEEP]
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>> HOLY [BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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*
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>> APPARENTLY A BLACK PEN
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CRACKED.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.OMENT TONIGHT
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THE BUG AND REPORTER GETS
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REDEEMED, KNIFE AND BANANA AND
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WOMEN SCREW UP SIMPLE
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INSTRUCTIONS.
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NOW LET'S SEE THE GUY WAVE HI TO
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US AGAIN.
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HE SHOULD OF TRIED THIS IN THE
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PHONE PIT FIRST.
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>> HOLY [BEEP]
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HOLY [BEEP]
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>> CALM DOWN.
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IT MIGHT JUST BE A HIGH ANKLE
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SPRAIN.
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TRY PUTTING SOME WEIGHT ON IT.
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>> [BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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OH! [BEEP]
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>> NICE TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE ARE
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AS BAD AS WHITE SPORTS AS WHITE
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PEOPLE ARE AT REAL SPORTS.
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>> REMEMBER IT'S NOT CHILD ABUSE
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IF YOU LET THEM HIT YOU BACK.
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>> OKAY NOW I WANT KIDS.
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[LAUGHING]
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[LAUGHING]
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>> MY DAD JUST USED GUILT.
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>> DAD, YOU MIND TAKING THE RING
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OFF THAT'S STKEURTY POOL.
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AND QUIT BLOCKING.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I ASSUME THIS IS JUST WARM UP
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BEFORE THE WOMEN ARE BROUGHT IN.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> IT'S THEIR CULTURE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I DON'T CARE HOW PRO LIFE YOU
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ARE THIS NEXT VIDEO LOOKS
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DELICIOUS.
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(OH ...
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(.
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>> SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR
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MISCARRIAGE I GOT YOU A CAKE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON
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THE CLOCKY AND HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
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>> THEIR HEADS ARE STILL SOFT AT
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THAT AGE.
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>> NO THANKS I'M TRYING TO EAT
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LESS BABY.
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I TAKE MY BABY ALA MODE.
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I PREFER THE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE
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BABY.
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THANKS ROE VERSE WADE.
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>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
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A DEAD BABY AND A CAKE.
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>> WHAT?
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>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR A
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SPECIAL OCCASION TO EAT A DEAD
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BABY.
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>> THAT'S JUST LIKE OUR OFFICE.
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WE HAVE TO BRING IN BAKED GOODS
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FOR EVERY STUPID THING THAT
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HAPPENS.
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>> JOCELYN, I SAW YOU POSTED ON
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FACEBOOK YOU HAD AN ABORTION I
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MADE YOU CUPCAKES.
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LITTLE A BOTHERED FETUSES.
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>> SWEET, TOO BAD I'M NOT EATING
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FOR TWO ANYMORE RIGHT.
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>> AHH, JUST ENJOY THEM BEFORE
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YOU BURN IN HELL.
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PLEASE RETURN THE PAN.
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>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
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A DEAD BABY AND A PORE SHALL.
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>> I DON'T HAVE A PORE SHALL IN
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MY GARAGE.
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>> ONE MORE WHAT'S THE
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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY DEAD
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GRANDMA AND A NEWBORN BABY.
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>> WHAT?
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>> [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP]
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>> OKAY.
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GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I THINK WE FOUND OUR NECK
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AQ VERSUS.OUR NEXTSH
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I HOPE THE PIT CREW HAS
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NEOSPORIN.
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THESE FAST & THE FURIOUS SEQUELS
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ARE GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.
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I LIKE TO TEAR UP BY BUTT THE
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OLD FASHION WAY WITH AGGRESSIVE
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ASS PLAY.
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I DON'T NORMALLY EAT BEEF BUT
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FOR THIS NEXT GUY I WOULD MAKE
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AN EXCEPTION.
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>> YA, BEEF.
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>> HE IS ONE THICK SON OF A
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BITCH.
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>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT
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ME.
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>> I CAN'T HELP LOOK AT YOU.
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YES, OH MY!
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OH!
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THANK YOU.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, YOU
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WANT A PIECE OF THIS?
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>> I WANT ALL OF IT.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THIS GUY CAN READ ME LIKE A
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BOOK.
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OH, THAT'S NICE.
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>> MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO --
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[LAUGHING]
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>> BOY, YOU LOOK GOOD BACK THAT
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BACK UP.
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ALRIGHT.
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DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR ANNUAL
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MAMMOGRAM.
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WHAT IS NEXT?
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(YELLING )
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>> WHAT HAPPENS IN GOTHAM STAYS
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IN GOTHAM.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT BATMAN MOVIE
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IS I'M JUST GLAD MAGGIE
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GYLLENHAAL ISN'T IN IT.
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LET'S PUT THIS WEEK'S BAT SIGNAL
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IN THE
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BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-
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BRA-BRA-BRA BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS THE ECONOMY
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IS HURTING EVERYONE.
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EVEN BRUCE WAYNE HAD TO TAKE A
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JOB HANDING OUT TITTY BAR
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COUPONS ON THE STRIP.
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LOOKS LIKE THERE IS TROUBLE IN
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SIN CITY.
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I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT JEFF
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DUNHAM'S APPEARANCE.
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WE'RE READY TO SEE BATMAN'S MOST
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TOUGH OPPONENT YET A LIQUORED UP
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CHOLO.
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BATMAN JUST TOLD HIM TO SUCK HIS
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[BEEP] [BEEP].
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THAT'S DEFINITELY CHRISTIAN
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BALE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT GUY HAS A TEMPER.
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RIDDLE ME THIS, WHERE IS BOY
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WONDER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
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PROBABLY AT TAO MAKING OUT WITH
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ONE OF THE HOT MALE BARTENDERS
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THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
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HOLY BITCH SLAP.
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YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO
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PICK A FIGHT WITH A DARK KNIGHT.
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THAT'S HOW HEATH FLEDGEDDER
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DIED.
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THE IRONY PARALYZED SUPER MAN.
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THIS IS WHY NO ONE IN THE UFC
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FIGHTS WITH A CAPE.
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SURE IT LOOKS AMAZING BUT IT'S
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REALLY RESTRICTED.
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>> SO HARD WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR
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HERO SOPBL A HUMAN, AND MOST
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LIKELY HOMELESS.
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OH, HE'S WOBBLY.
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THAT MIGHT JUST BE BECAUSE HE'S
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DRUNK.
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WE'RE JUST GLAD CHRISTOPHER
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NOLAN DIDN'T MAKE THIS CLIP
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THREE HOURS TOO LONG.
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FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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BUG IN MOUTH REPORTER.
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FIRST, DID YOU HEAR A CLICK?
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>> AIR CLICKING?
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>> NO.
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>> HERE IT IS.
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HERE.
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SIXTEEN, FIFTEEN, FOURTEEN,
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THIRTEEN.
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GET CLOSER.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> DID YOU HEAR IT CLICK?
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COULD YOU HEAR IT CLICK?
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>> NO.
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>> WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THIS
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THURSDAY AT AGUSTA HIGH SCHOOL
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THAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS DEATH?
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>> [BEEP]
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>> [BEEP]
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>> I'M -- [BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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[LAUGHING]
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[BEEP]
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>> -- IN MY MOUTH
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[BEEP], I'M -- [BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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I CAN'T EVEN SEE.
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>> YOU CAN TAKE THE REPORTER OUT
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OF THE HOOD BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
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BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL THE
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CRIME IS.
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THAT'S FOX'S OWN ISAIAH CAREY.
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HE'S NOT A WHITE GUY HE JUST
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PLAYS ONE ON TV.
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WHEN A BUG FLEW INTO HIS MOUTH
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HE SWITCHED FROM WILL SMITH TO
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LIL' WAYNE.
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THE ONLY THING THE INTERNET
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DIDN'T RUIN WAS MY CAREER.
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I JUMPED ON THAT TRAIN AND ROAD
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IT TO TWITTER.
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PEOPLE SAY KATY COURIC LEFT CBS
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FOR LOW RATINGS.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT ANY
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RATINGS.
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SHE TALKS ABOUT STUFF I SAW ON
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THE HUFFINGTON POST EIGHT HOURS
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AGO.
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THE NETWORK SHOULD PUT ON RERUNS
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OR SYNDICATE TOSH.O.
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I'M JUST SAYING.
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I LIKE WATCHING FOX NEWS WILL
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THEY EMPLOY RACIST TERRORISTS.
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REPORTERS ARE NOT AS SMART AS
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YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE
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STANDING IN FRONT OF SOMETHING
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DOESN'T MAKE YOU A EXPERT ON IT
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THERE ARE GUYS STANDING IN FRONT
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OF THE HOME DEPOT ALL DAY.
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THE ONLY THING THEY'RE EX PEFRTS
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ON IS SNEAKING INTO AMERICA.
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THE ONE REPORTER I RESPECT IS
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ANDERSON COOPER, THE SILVER FOX.
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WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
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HE SAVED HATIAN CHILDREN.
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I HAVE A ASIAN BOY LIVING IN MY
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POOL HOUSE.
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AND LOREN SANCHEZ PRESENTS THE
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BIG HEADLINES IN THE BUSINESS.
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BIG FAKE HEADLINES.
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BEING A SUCCESSFUL -- I RESCUED
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ISAIAH AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE
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BIG CITY FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> HOW ARE YOU, SIR.
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>> THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME.
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>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
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>> THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME IN
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THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE.
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I HAVE A BEEKEEPER MASK.
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I HAVE ONE FOR YOU?
267
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,370
>> I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE BUT
268
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,597
I HAVE TO SAY NO.
269
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,300
>> WHERE WAS THE VIDEO.
270
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,170
>> ARKANSAS, LITTLE ROCK,
271
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:06,927
ARKANSAS BACK IN 1996.
272
00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:08,003
>> WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.
273
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,030
>> I WAS OUT DOING A STORY
274
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,803
ABOUT, I THINK A HIGH SCHOOL KID
275
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,770
WHO MAY OF BEEN KILLED.
276
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:16,067
THIS GRASSHOPPER JUMPS OUT OF
277
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:17,067
NOWHERE IN MY MOUTH.
278
00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:18,727
>> DID YOU HEAT THE GRASSHOPPER?
279
00:10:18,733 --> 00:10:23,003
>> NO I SPIT IT OUT
280
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:23,500
IMMEDIATELIMENT.
281
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,930
>> DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A FORM
282
00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:28,733
OF TOURETTES.
283
00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:32,103
>> THIS COUNTY [BEEP] TOWN.
284
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,800
>> WAS THAT LIVE?
285
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,730
>> YES.
286
00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:37,503
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
287
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:38,600
PERSONALITY IN YOU?
288
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,700
>> THAT'S ME LOSING CONTROL.
289
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,470
>> ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO GET
290
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,627
TO YOU LOSE CONTROL.
291
00:10:43,633 --> 00:10:44,633
>> YES.
292
00:10:44,633 --> 00:10:46,203
>> DO YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY
293
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,470
YOU'RE AGENTING WHITE?
294
00:10:47,467 --> 00:10:49,397
>> I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED
295
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:49,800
THAT.
296
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,400
>> PROBABLY THEY KNOW WHAT PO*
297
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,100
WOULD HAPPEN AND DON'T WANT YOU
298
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,270
TO LOSE YOUR COOL.
299
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:56,597
>> THEY TELL PHOTOGRAPHERS DON'T
300
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,630
STOP ROLLING EVEN IF YOU A
301
00:10:58,633 --> 00:11:00,203
MOMENT AT MY EX PERPBS.
302
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,800
>>EXPENSE.
303
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,530
>> WERE YOU UPSET WITH HIM?
304
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:05,203
>> NO.
305
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,300
AT FIRST WE LAUGHED AT IT THEN
306
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,600
IT DISAPPEARED AND REEMERGED
307
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:09,900
AGAIN.
308
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:11,930
>> THANKS TO THE INTERNET.
309
00:11:11,933 --> 00:11:14,403
>> I WASN'T TOO HAPPY THEN.
310
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,230
>> YOU WERE UPSET IT CAME OUT?
311
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:19,403
>> WELL, WHO WANTS TO BE ON TV
312
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,600
CURSING LIKE A SAILOR.
313
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,170
>> ME.
314
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:22,597
>> THAT'S YOUR THING.
315
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,530
>> LIFE IT THERE SHOULD BE A
316
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:28,833
NEWS CHANNEL THAT LET'S I SWEAR.
317
00:11:28,833 --> 00:11:30,973
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD FEEL
318
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:31,527
ABOUT THAPL.
319
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:34,703
>> YOU SAY THAT BUT [BEEP].
320
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:35,800
>> WHY?
321
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,600
>> HERE YOU SEE A REAL REPORTER
322
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,330
ACT THE FOOL.
323
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:41,203
>> DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE
324
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,300
LIVING IN THAT COUNTY ASS PLACE.
325
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,700
>> HEY, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TOWN.
326
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,770
THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.
327
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,627
>> DO YOU RUN AROUND IN A VAN.
328
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,973
>> MAINLY SUVs.
329
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,867
>> DOES YOUR HAVE RIMS?
330
00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:55,967
>> THE BLACK REPORTER THING.
331
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:58,097
WE KEEP IT GANGSTER.
332
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,630
>> DO YOU READ WHAT PEOPLE HAVE
333
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:00,973
WRITTEN ON THE INTERNET.
334
00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:01,427
>> NO.
335
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:03,733
>> IT'S MOSTLY FLATTERING STUFF.
336
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,473
>> I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
337
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:07,797
>> ARE THERE ANY OTHER THINGS
338
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,530
THAT HAVE GOTTEN INTO YOUR MOUTH
339
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:10,473
YOU HAVEN'T LIKED?
340
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:12,697
>> NO, JUST THE GRASSHOPPER
341
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,170
THAT'S IT.
342
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,897
>> WOULD YOU CREDIT WHAT THE
343
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,200
GRASSHOPPER DID TO BE A HATE
344
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:17,500
CRIME.
345
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:18,130
>> YES.
346
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:21,273
WHERE IS THE NAACP WHEN I NEED
347
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:21,567
THEM.
348
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:24,227
>> CAN'T A BROTHER JUST DO A
349
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:24,573
REPORT.
350
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,627
>> WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO A
351
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:27,673
NEWSCAST FOR THE SHOW.
352
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:28,667
>> HUH-UH.
353
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,297
>> WAIT IN THE GREEN ROOM.
354
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,470
>> I'M GAME FOR IT.
355
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:34,327
>> WE'RE DOING A SOCIAL
356
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:34,733
EXPERIMENT.
357
00:12:34,733 --> 00:12:37,303
LET'S SEND IN CHARLIE THE WHITE
358
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:37,570
GUY.
359
00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:40,227
>> HELLO MR. CEE AREY.
360
00:12:40,233 --> 00:12:41,673
YOU NEED ANYTHING WHILE YOU'RE
361
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:42,067
WAITING?
362
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,197
>> NO, I'M FINE.
363
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,770
>> LET'S SET IN DWAYNE THE BLACK
364
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:47,067
GUY.
365
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,067
>> YO, WHAT'S --
366
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:49,767
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING.
367
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:50,597
>> YA, JAM.
368
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:51,700
>> YOU STRAIGHT.
369
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:53,430
>> YA.
370
00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:54,933
>> ISAIAH, YOU ARE BUSTED.
371
00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:57,233
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
372
00:12:57,233 --> 00:13:02,133
>> I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU.
373
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:06,773
CHARLIE COMES IN, NICE TO MEET
374
00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:07,067
YOU.
375
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,497
THEN YOU'RE LIKE BAM.
376
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:09,500
THERE ARE TWO OF YOU.
377
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,070
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE IT
378
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:11,497
ANOTHER SHOT.
379
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,430
>> WE WILL TRY.
380
00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:18,703
>> WELCOME TO KTSCO EVENING
381
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:19,430
NEWS.
382
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:22,073
HERE ARE YOUR EVENING STORIES.
383
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:30,397
RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA ARE
384
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,070
EMBRACING ANOTHER --
385
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:33,567
>> WATCH THE LANGUAGE.
386
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:37,097
>> IN POLITICAL NEWS PRESIDENT
387
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,130
OBAMA ANNOUNCED HE WILL CUT
388
00:13:39,133 --> 00:13:41,833
TAXES FOR THE RICHEST 1% OF
389
00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:42,173
AMERICA.
390
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,527
>> MUST OF BEEN HIS WHITE HALF A
391
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,303
BROTHER WOULD NEVER [BEEP] THAT.
392
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,470
>> TWO OFFICERS CAUGHT ON TAPE
393
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:51,097
BEATING AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN
394
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,800
SUGGESTION PEBLGT WERE NOT
395
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,900
CHARGED TODAY.
396
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,600
>> AND -- STILL RACIST THE
397
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,070
POLICE.
398
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:00,697
>> KELSEY YAMMER TIED THE KNOT
399
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:01,670
FOR THE FOURTH TIME.
400
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:03,797
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT NOT A
401
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,130
SINGLE BLACK PERSON AT THE
402
00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,973
WEDDING LIKE THERE WASN'T A
403
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:10,327
SEUPBLG BLACK PERSON ON "CHEERS"
404
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,733
OR "FRAZIER."
405
00:14:13,733 --> 00:14:14,073
>> --
406
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:16,067
>> NEW EDITION IS BACK.
407
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,697
>> AND FASHION WEEK JUST KICKED
408
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,370
OFF IN NEW YORK CITY.
409
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:22,527
>> MAN, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEM
410
00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:24,233
SKWEUPBY WHITE SKAEUFRPBGZ.
411
00:14:24,233 --> 00:14:25,403
BUT BEYONCE UP.
412
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:25,700
THERE.
413
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,800
>> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
414
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,600
FOR ISAIAH CAREY I'M ISAIAH
415
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:31,900
CAREY.
416
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,170
>> STAY TUNE "MEET THE BROWNS"
417
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:36,067
MY FAVORITE SHOW COMING UP NEXT.
418
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,727
>> THAT'S IT I'M DONE, I QUIT.
419
00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:41,903
>> I ASSUME YOU HAVE DINNER
420
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,500
RESERVATIONS IN THE PROJECTS
421
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,430
WITH YOUR BABY'S MAMA THIS
422
00:14:45,433 --> 00:14:45,773
EVENING.
423
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:48,097
>> YA HAVE FUN AT THE FARMERS
424
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,770
MARKET YOU [BEEP].
425
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:53,267
>> CAN'T HE ALL JUST GET ALONG.
426
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,567
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
427
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:57,527
ALL THE WAY FROM TUSCALOOSA
428
00:14:57,533 --> 00:15:01,503
RESPECT THE "DO NOT DISTURB"
429
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,170
SIGN.
430
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:18,727
(KNOCKING )
431
00:15:18,733 --> 00:15:24,473
*
432
00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:53,067
(LOTS OF NOISE )
433
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:54,127
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
434
00:15:54,133 --> 00:15:56,373
WATCHING BUT I LOVE IT IT'S ONE
435
00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:58,567
OF THOSE AWESOME JAPANESE GAME
436
00:15:58,567 --> 00:15:58,867
SHOWS.
437
00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:01,097
WHY CAN'T WE HAVE COOL EDGY GAME
438
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,300
SHOWS LIKE THAT.
439
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:06,670
WE ARE STUCK WITH "MINUTE TO WIN
440
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:09,827
IT" HOSTED BY A LINE COOK.
441
00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:11,973
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
442
00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:12,967
>> DANIEL.
443
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:13,927
>> WHAT?
444
00:16:13,933 --> 00:16:15,373
>> I'M A KNIFE.
445
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,597
>> WHAT?
446
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,530
>> I'M A BANANAMENT.
447
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:19,573
>> WHAT?
448
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:23,167
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
449
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:23,827
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
450
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:24,603
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
451
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,700
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
452
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:29,270
WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.
453
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:29,797
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
454
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:30,330
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
455
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:30,873
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
456
00:16:30,867 --> 00:16:31,397
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
457
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,070
WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.
458
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:32,967
WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.
459
00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,767
WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.
460
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:35,067
WHAT.
461
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,767
>> WELCOME BACK TO AMERICA'S
462
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:38,597
GAME SHOW KNIFE OR BANANA.
463
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,470
THAT'S THE GAME I TAKE A KNIFE
464
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,127
AND BANANA AND PUT THEM BEHIND
465
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:44,073
MY BACK.
466
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:45,697
WHICH EVER YOU CHOOSE I WILL
467
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:49,470
STAB INTO YOUR CHEST.
468
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:55,797
WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST CASE UP KATE
469
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,100
UPTON.
470
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,070
>> ALRIGHT, KATE, ARE YOU READY
471
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,097
TO PLAY KNIFE OR BANANA.
472
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:00,970
>> YES.
473
00:17:00,967 --> 00:17:13,227
>> WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?
474
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:18,103
[LAUGHING]
475
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:19,730
>> THAT ONE.
476
00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:20,973
>> IS THAT YOUR FINAL CHOICE?
477
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:21,697
>> NO.
478
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:29,600
THAT ONE.
479
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,600
[LAUGHING]
480
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,530
>> AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY KNIFE
481
00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:34,673
OR BANANA.
482
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:36,597
FOR KATE UPTON I'M DANIEL TOSH.
483
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:37,600
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
484
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,230
>> THAT IS A SHARP BANANA.
485
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:44,173
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
486
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:44,697
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
487
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:45,230
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
488
00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:49,103
>> KNIFE OR BANANA,
489
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:52,630
>> AH, YOU EVER BEEN STOOD UP BY
490
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:54,073
AN 18-YEAR-OLD?
491
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:56,067
QUITE A BLOW.
492
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,697
THAT WAS FROM A PAST VIEWER
493
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:58,230
WINNER.
494
00:17:58,233 --> 00:18:00,733
MAKING A VIDEO MUST BE HARDER
495
00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:04,633
THAN IT LOOKS THAT'S WHY MOST OF
496
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:05,203
THEM SUCK.
497
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,430
I ASKED MY STAFF TO DO ONE
498
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:07,873
BETTER.
499
00:18:07,867 --> 00:18:10,567
THIS IS FROM MY LEAD HAIR
500
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:11,327
STYLIST, BRIAN.
501
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:14,503
>> I'M GOING TO TAKE A [BEEP]
502
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:16,400
I'M NOT GOING TO [BEEP].
503
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,570
IN PREPARATION I HAVE BEEN ON AN
504
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:21,867
ALL CORN DIET FOR THE PAST FIVE
505
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:22,327
DAYS.
506
00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:25,473
AS YOU CAN SEE.
507
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:27,527
I WENT INTO THE TOILET.
508
00:18:27,533 --> 00:18:32,473
NOW I'M NOT GOING TO WIPE.
509
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:33,467
CLEAN, CLEAN.
510
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:37,227
TO PROVE I'M CLEAN A SHOT THAT'S
511
00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:37,933
A [BEEP].
512
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:40,333
>> ALRIGHT IF YOU CAN PULL OFF A
513
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:42,173
TRUE NO WIPER WE WOULD LOVE TO
514
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,427
SEE IT THE RULES ARE SIMPLE TAKE
515
00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:46,933
A POOP, PULL UP YOUR PARENTS
516
00:18:46,933 --> 00:18:49,873
WITHOUT WIPING AND FILM YOUR
517
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,727
UNDERWEAR TWO HOURS LATER TO
518
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:53,803
PROVE THERE ARE NO STREAKS.
519
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,670
GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED.
520
00:18:55,667 --> 00:19:04,467
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
521
00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:04,727
*
522
00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:05,173
[ APPLAUSE ]
523
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,227
>> WELCOME BACK, ASSHOLES.
524
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:12,773
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK SMP FOR
525
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,667
TAKING OUR ARGUMENT THAT ASS
526
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:17,227
HOLES SHOULD NOT BE PWHROEPD ON
527
00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:17,633
TELEVISION.
528
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:18,873
[BEEP] IS RIGHT AROUND THE
529
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:19,197
CORNER.
530
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,070
NEXT WEEK THESE BLACK
531
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:24,627
CHEERLEADERS GET A WEB
532
00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:25,903
REDEMPTION.
533
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:26,200
(OH!)
534
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,070
>> IT'S NOT FARE THE WHITE
535
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,227
SCHOOLS HAVE ALL THE LAWN.
536
00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:31,603
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
537
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,870
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
538
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:34,167
SHOWS.
539
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,427
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOGS.
540
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:39,773
TICKETS ARE ON SALE FOR TOSH
541
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:40,597
TOWER ON ICE.
542
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:46,470
ITOUR ON ICE.
543
00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:48,067
YOUR COLLEGE SUBMISSIONS ARE
544
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,727
GETTING BETTER.
545
00:19:49,733 --> 00:19:51,503
CHECK OUT THIS ENTRY FROM KANSAS
546
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:52,070
STATE
547
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,067
*
548
00:19:53,067 --> 00:20:02,197
*
549
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,400
* KANSAS STATE
550
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:04,970
[LAUGHING]
551
00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:06,797
>> JUST TRY TO STOP ME FROM
552
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,330
COMING.
553
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:08,733
[LAUGHING]
554
00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:10,433
>> A FEW WEEKS AGO I SHOWED YOU
555
00:20:10,433 --> 00:20:12,603
STUFF YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR
556
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,930
GIRLS SAY AND ASKED OUR FEMALE
557
00:20:14,933 --> 00:20:16,933
VIEWERS TO SEND IN STUFF THAT
558
00:20:16,933 --> 00:20:19,073
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR GUYS SAY.
559
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:19,967
YOU SKAOUD IT UP.
560
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:22,427
THE IDEA WAS TO SHOOT GUYS
561
00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:23,303
SAYING THOSE THINGS.
562
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,870
INSTEAD YOU PUT YOURSELVES IN
563
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:26,497
THERE BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT
564
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:26,770
YOU.
565
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,897
HERE IS THE BEST TEN SECONDS I
566
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:30,630
COULD SALVAGE FROM YOU SENT.
567
00:20:30,633 --> 00:20:30,903
IN.
568
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:32,300
>> GIRLFRIEND IS SUCH A
569
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:33,300
CONFUSING TERM.
570
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:36,130
>> YOUR BUTTS NOT ON IT'S
571
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:36,473
PERIOD.
572
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:37,567
>> CHOKE ME.
573
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,767
>> YOUR FINGERS ARE FAT.
574
00:20:39,767 --> 00:20:42,597
>> I WANT TO TELL YOU.
575
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,930
>> SURPRISE NO GUY TOLD HER TANK
576
00:20:44,933 --> 00:20:47,103
IS ON BACKWARDS.
577
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,000
LESSON LEARNED I WILL NEVER ASK
578
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,470
YOU WOMEN TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN.
579
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:55,197
BY THE WAY HER FINGERS WERE FAT.
580
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,500
GOOD NIGHT.
581
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:25,800
[ APPLAUSE ]
582
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,800
>> WOULD YOU RATHER SIT BEHIND A
583
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,300
DESK OR BE OUT IN THE FIELD.
584
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,300
>> OUT IN THE FIELD.
35670
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