Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:25,867 --> 00:00:29,627
THAT ALLIGATOR IS 9 FEET LONG.
2
00:00:29,633 --> 00:00:30,273
130 POUNDS.
3
00:00:30,267 --> 00:00:30,867
OH NO.
4
00:00:30,867 --> 00:00:39,897
LOOK AT THAT.
5
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:45,870
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD
6
00:00:45,867 --> 00:00:48,227
HAPPEN IN A MILLION YEARS.
7
00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:51,133
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
8
00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:51,873
TONIGHT IS OUR 50TH EPISODE AND
9
00:00:51,867 --> 00:00:52,597
IF STANDARDS AND PRACTICES HAD
10
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,870
THEIR WAY, OUR LAST.
11
00:00:55,867 --> 00:00:56,567
FEEL FREE TO SEND US GIFTS IN
12
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:57,797
APPRECIATION OF ALL MY HARD
13
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:58,470
WORK AND PLEASE NO EDIBLE
14
00:00:58,467 --> 00:00:59,627
ARRANGEMENTS.
15
00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:03,273
NO ONE EVER WANTS THOSE.
16
00:01:03,267 --> 00:01:05,097
"HUH, HERE'S A COLD."
17
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:05,800
I ASSUME THEY'RE TOUCHING IT
18
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,200
WITH THEIR HANDS.
19
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,800
TONIGHT ON THE SHOW
20
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,400
I TALK POLITICS WITH THE WORLD'S
21
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,530
CRAZIEST CANDIDATE
22
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:12,303
I SHOW YOU KIDDY PORN THE WHOLE
23
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,300
FAMILY WILL LOVE
24
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,470
AND I PUT AN END TO SPAM MAIL.
25
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,197
ALRIGHT, LET'S HEAD BACK TO THIS
26
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:17,530
VIDEO.
27
00:01:17,533 --> 00:01:19,173
GOOD LORD.
28
00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:20,227
YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO TELL IF
29
00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:21,203
THIS IS AN ALLIGATOR OR A
30
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:21,930
CROCODILE BECAUSE THEY BOTH HATE
31
00:01:21,933 --> 00:01:29,273
MEXICANS.
32
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,327
OH NO, LOOK AT THAT.
33
00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,173
OH, HE FORGOT THE SAFE WORD.
34
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:33,967
"GUY'S COULD YOU GET THIS OFF
35
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:37,097
ME?"
36
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:37,830
WHY DON'T YOU KICK HIM WITH ONE
37
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:38,573
OF THOSE BOOTS MADE OUT OF HIS
38
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,627
MOM?
39
00:01:41,633 --> 00:01:42,333
HOW COME THAT AUDIENCE IS NOT
40
00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:43,403
GOING WILD?
41
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,500
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
42
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,630
GIVE IT UP.
43
00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:49,473
SEE YOU LATER, GUY WITH YOUR
44
00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:54,397
HEAD IN AN ALLIGATOR.
45
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:55,100
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THIS
46
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:55,830
SHOW WOULD BE IF ASIANS DIDN'T
47
00:01:55,833 --> 00:02:00,973
MAKE VIDEOS?
48
00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:01,697
ALRIGHT, THIS IS RECESS AT THE
49
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:06,900
NIKE FACTORY.
50
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:07,830
THE CHINESE HAVE TAKEN THE FOOT
51
00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:09,533
BINDING A LITTLE TOO FAR.
52
00:02:09,533 --> 00:02:10,433
WE GET IT.
53
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:13,303
YOU GUYS MAKE GREAT WALLS.
54
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,230
TIE!
55
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:17,973
THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.
56
00:02:17,967 --> 00:02:18,827
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A
57
00:02:18,833 --> 00:02:19,573
SINGLE CHINK IN THAT CHAIN IT
58
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:22,967
WON'T WORK.
59
00:02:22,967 --> 00:02:25,427
HEY, THAT IS AN EXPRESSION.
60
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:28,733
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.
61
00:02:28,733 --> 00:02:31,633
IF YOU THINK THAT WAS RACIST,
62
00:02:31,633 --> 00:02:32,673
THAT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A RACIST.
63
00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:34,327
THAT WAS A WORLD RECORD
64
00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:36,173
31-LEGGED RACE, BUT DON'T
65
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:37,867
CELEBRATE TOO SOON, CHINA, THE
66
00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,067
U.S. OF A JUST KNOCKED OUT A
67
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:43,227
32-PERSON WHEELBARROW RACE.
68
00:02:43,233 --> 00:02:43,503
UP.
69
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,730
EVERYBODY UP.
70
00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:46,603
GET IT UP.
71
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,970
GET UP.
72
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,367
GO!
73
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:55,797
GO!
74
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:56,800
STAY UP.
75
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:57,770
KEEP WALKING.
76
00:02:57,767 --> 00:02:58,127
ALL RIGHT.
77
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,473
COME ON.
78
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:02,767
I LIKE IT.
79
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,467
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
80
00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:05,667
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
81
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:08,167
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A WORLD
82
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:08,727
RECORD.
83
00:03:08,733 --> 00:03:09,973
THAT WAS 31 GUYS AND ONE GIRL,
84
00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:11,067
MAKING IT THE SECOND LONGEST
85
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:11,897
TRAIN EVER RUN ON OUR BLOGGER,
86
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,230
CARLY.
87
00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:15,903
THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT FROM
88
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:16,600
PEOPLE DOING THAT?
89
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:24,070
THE SMELL OF BALLS.
90
00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:26,697
DO YOU DUDES WANT TO SEE THE
91
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:27,370
50-YEAR STORM BODIE'S BEEN
92
00:03:27,367 --> 00:03:33,297
YAPPING ABOUT?
93
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,700
AH.
94
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:47,300
THAT IS AN AWFUL SLIDE.
95
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:48,230
HOW DID HER TANKINI NOT COME
96
00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:48,573
OFF?!
97
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:49,297
BECAUSE TANKINIS WERE DESIGNED
98
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,600
TO STAY ON.
99
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:51,370
THEY WERE DESIGNED FOR GIRLS WHO
100
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:54,297
CAN'T GET RID OF THEIR FRESHMAN
101
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,300
15
102
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,070
OH, THAT'S THE SLAM THAT'S TOO
103
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,197
FAR?
104
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,130
NICE LINE.
105
00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:01,873
MAN, BAD THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO
106
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:02,597
THEM EVER SINCE THEY FOUND THAT
107
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:07,300
TIKI DOLL.
108
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:08,370
DOES "ALL-INCLUSIVE" INCLUDE
109
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:10,727
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS?
110
00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:11,803
BECAUSE THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST
111
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:12,530
BEAUTIFUL PLACES IN THE WORLD TO
112
00:04:12,533 --> 00:04:14,933
GET SMASHED TO DEATH.
113
00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:15,903
HERE'S A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO
114
00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:23,870
HANDLE HIMSELF IN THE WATER.
115
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:24,927
[LAUGHTER]
116
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:29,373
>> OH MY GOSH.
117
00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:30,067
WHERE COULD HE POSSIBLY BE
118
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:32,197
GOING?
119
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:32,930
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT VOIDS THE
120
00:04:32,933 --> 00:04:36,473
WARRANTY.
121
00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:37,367
HIS SCOOTER WORKS UNDERWATER,
122
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,427
BUT IF IT DRIZZLES I LOSE MY
123
00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:42,333
DIRECTV SIGNAL?
124
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:42,973
SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT
125
00:04:42,967 --> 00:04:43,967
STRUGGLES.
126
00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:45,297
THE LADY IN THE NEXT VIDEO IS
127
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,070
ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE CRAP
128
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:49,097
DON'T STINK.
129
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,170
NO, IT'S OKAY.
130
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:50,697
GET IN THERE.
131
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:53,070
NO ONE'S WATCHING.
132
00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:53,767
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND
133
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:57,627
OUT
134
00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:58,373
THERE'S NOTHING THAT COULD BE IN
135
00:04:58,367 --> 00:04:59,097
HER PANTS THAT WOULD MAKE THAT
136
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,600
OKAY.
137
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,670
NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
138
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:02,497
CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY CRAPPY
139
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,200
COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
140
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,830
ALRIGHT.
141
00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:09,073
THE BAR HAS JUST BEEN RAISED FOR
142
00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:09,827
GETTING OUT OF JURY DUTY "YOUR
143
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:13,333
HONOR.
144
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,973
I EAT MY OWN CRAP."
145
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:19,797
IT'S EITHER THIS OR ARBY'S.
146
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,070
HEY STACEY, SAW YOU EATING YOUR
147
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:27,067
OWN POOP ON TOSH.0 LAST NIGHT.
148
00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:27,797
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH BUM
149
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,700
GUM FOR EVERYBODY.
150
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:30,570
DINGLEBERRIES ARE IN SEASON
151
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:33,397
RIGHT NOW.
152
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,130
I THINK IT'S MID MARCH TO APRIL,
153
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:34,733
IS DINGLEBERRIES
154
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:37,233
IT'S A REALLY SHORT WINDOW.
155
00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:46,103
WHAT'S NEXT?
156
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:57,070
IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERR...
157
00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:57,667
LET'S PAUSE FOR STATION
158
00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:58,367
IDENTIFICATION IN THIS WEEK'S
159
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:05,097
BREAKDOWN.
160
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:05,930
[CLAPPING]
161
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,303
THIS IS IN GREECE, AND YOU'RE
162
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,070
LISTENING TO DJ GYROS ON THE
163
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:08,697
WACKIEST MORNING ZOO IN ALL OF
164
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:14,130
SPARTA.
165
00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:15,773
LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE FIRE HAS
166
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:16,767
STARTED BEHIND HIM, THEY DON'T
167
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:22,267
CALL IT HOT 99 JAMZ FOR NOTHING.
168
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:23,067
GOOD CALL.
169
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:23,797
JUST SPREAD THAT AROUND A LITTLE
170
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,470
BIT.
171
00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:27,067
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S
172
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:30,167
SAYING BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S
173
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:33,397
ALL GREEK TO ME.
174
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,400
CALLER 10, IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR
175
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,070
ANYTHING BESIDES LADY
176
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:37,797
ANTEBELLUM, YOU'LL WIN A FREE
177
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:38,530
PAIR OF FLAME-RETARDANT BEATS BY
178
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:39,533
DRE HEADPHONES
179
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,233
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL ON
180
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,473
THE AIR.
181
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,127
HE'S PROBABLY JUST TALKING
182
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:44,073
NON-STOP ABOUT HOW PROUD THE
183
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:47,167
GREEKS ARE OF JOHN STAMOS.
184
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,267
THAT'S ALL THEY TALK ABOUT.
185
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,527
IT TAKES MORE THAN HALF A BOTTLE
186
00:06:50,533 --> 00:06:53,503
OF AQUAFINA TO PUT OUT A FIRE,
187
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,600
YOU STUPID INTERN.
188
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:55,530
I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T JUST
189
00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:58,303
DRIZZLE OLIVE OIL ALL OVER IT.
190
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,070
AGAIN, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO OVER
191
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:01,797
THERE.
192
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:02,700
WHY COULDN'T THIS HAPPEN TO
193
00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:05,230
EVERYONE WHO HAS A PODCAST?
194
00:07:05,233 --> 00:07:06,203
I ASSUME THAT'S THE ENTIRE
195
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,200
ATHENS FIRE DEPARTMENT.
196
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,070
"OH, I SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH A
197
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:11,367
FIRE EXTINGUISHER THE FIRST
198
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:12,767
TIME?
199
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:16,127
I DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT."
200
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:16,933
THANK ZEUS THE ONLY THING THAT
201
00:07:16,933 --> 00:07:18,233
GOT DESTROYED WAS A BUNCH OF
202
00:07:18,233 --> 00:07:19,073
BRUNO MARS ALBUMS AND SOME OLD
203
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:21,167
FETA.
204
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:22,197
I'M JUST GLAD HE RISKED GETTING
205
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,630
BURNED ALIVE TO TELL US THAT IT
206
00:07:23,633 --> 00:07:24,873
WAS ZACH GALIFIANAKIS' BIRTHDAY,
207
00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:27,867
AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
208
00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:29,167
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHIL
209
00:07:29,167 --> 00:07:30,097
DAVISON'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT
210
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,400
FIRST, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
211
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,930
ME TO PUNCH YOUR MOUTH?
212
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,373
PUNCH MY MOUTH.
213
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:39,267
>> OH MY GOD.
214
00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:42,327
>> PUNCH MY MOUTH.
215
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:53,333
PUNCH MY MOUTH. MOUTH.
216
00:07:53,333 --> 00:07:55,633
>> OH MY GOD.
217
00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:57,833
>> PUNCH MY MOUTH.
218
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:58,833
>> DO IT.
219
00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:09,473
>> OH MY GOD.
220
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:14,067
MY NAME IS BILL DAVISON AND I'M
221
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:20,067
THINKING SEEKING OUR PARTY'S
222
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,697
NOMINATI
223
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:23,100
NOMINATION.
224
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:34,800
I HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN.
225
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:35,700
TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
226
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,330
TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS.
227
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:38,703
TELL ANDY GONZALEZ.
228
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:44,700
I WILL HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.
229
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,230
NOW THAT IS HOW YOU ROCK THE
230
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:47,173
VOTE, BY SHOTGUNNING A GALLON OF
231
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,067
5 HOUR ENERGY.
232
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,427
THAT'S PHIL DAVISON, AND HE
233
00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:52,173
FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE
234
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,197
OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: TRY NOT TO
235
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,930
LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC.
236
00:08:55,933 --> 00:08:58,803
RUNNING FOR STARK COUNTY
237
00:08:58,800 --> 00:08:59,600
TREASURER IN THE SWING STATE OF
238
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,230
OHIO WOULD PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF
239
00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:04,073
LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.
240
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:04,727
I'M NO POLITICAL EXPERT, BUT I
241
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:06,233
HAVE SEEN
242
00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:07,373
DAVE, WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT,
243
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,127
FIRST DAUGHTER, FIRST KID, AGENT
244
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,673
CODY BANKS, PART OF THE SEQUEL,
245
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:11,497
THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN,
246
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,500
GUARDING TESS, AND THE MUMMY
247
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,230
RETURNS, SO I THINK I KNOW WHAT
248
00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:16,633
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
249
00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:17,673
CAMPAIGNS ARE ALL ABOUT SPENDING
250
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,227
TONS OF MONEY, PRETENDING THAT
251
00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:19,973
PEOPLE FROM IOWA MATTER, AND
252
00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:22,297
PRAYING NO ONE FINDS OUT YOU
253
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,070
LOVE HIRING UNDERAGE HOOKERS TO
254
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:26,727
POUND YOU WITH A STRAP-ON.
255
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,473
HAS ANYONE EVER ACTUALLY WON A
256
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,927
DEBATE?
257
00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:30,803
I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE GO, "MY
258
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,470
OPPONENT IS MAKING A TON OF
259
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:33,097
SENSE, I'M OUT."
260
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,070
THE IDEA THAT ANY OF THESE
261
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:34,897
CANDIDATES REPRESENT MY
262
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,070
INTERESTS IS ABSURD.
263
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,167
IF YOU WANT MY VOTE, SCALE IT
264
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:39,767
BACK A SMIDGE WITH THE LOFTY
265
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:40,527
PROMISES AND JUST LEGALIZE DRUGS
266
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:45,433
AND GAMBLING.
267
00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:46,133
NATIVE AMERICANS GET IT; WHY
268
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:46,773
CAN'T AMERICAN AMERICANS?
269
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:47,497
YET, FOR ALL OF THE FLAWS WITH
270
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:48,270
THE POLITICAL PROCESS, THERE'S
271
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,497
NEVER BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WHITE
272
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:50,970
HOUSE.
273
00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:51,697
SO, THE SYSTEM ISN'T COMPLETELY
274
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,470
BROKEN YET.
275
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:54,227
PHIL DAVISON WAS JUST TRYING TO
276
00:09:54,233 --> 00:09:55,603
GET THE VOTER'S ATTENTION, AND
277
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:56,270
ENDED UP SCARING THE BEJESUS
278
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:57,767
OUT OF THEM.
279
00:09:57,767 --> 00:10:00,797
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM OUT TO
280
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,000
TOSH.0 CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS FOR
281
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:13,600
THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
282
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,670
EXCUSE ME.
283
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,497
THE ONLY WAY TO APPEAL TO THE
284
00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:23,070
TEA PARTY IS TO GET TEA BAGGED.
285
00:10:23,067 --> 00:10:25,727
>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.
286
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:28,773
>> I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE
287
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:33,067
SMELL OF THIS BATHROOM.
288
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:36,967
FROM NBC NEWS IN WASHINGTON
289
00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:38,467
"MEET THE PRESS" WITH DAVID
290
00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:38,797
GREGORY.
291
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,770
THIS IS DANIEL TOSH FILLING IN
292
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,927
FOR DANIEL GREGORY.
293
00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:47,633
TODAY WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
294
00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:49,633
GUEST PHIL DAVISON.
295
00:10:49,633 --> 00:10:50,833
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
296
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:53,533
>> NICE TO MEET YOU AS WELL.
297
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:58,973
>> THE VOTE WASN'T RELEASED SO I
298
00:10:58,967 --> 00:11:00,427
DIDN'T WIN.
299
00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:02,503
>> DO YOU THINK IF YOU HAD
300
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,600
APOLOGIZED FOR YOUR TONE YOU
301
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,070
MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN MORE VOTES.
302
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:07,667
>> YES.
303
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,697
>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU
304
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:10,730
HAD READ THAT SPEECH.
305
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:12,633
>> NO I HAD PRACTICED SEVERAL
306
00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:13,833
TIMES TO MYSELF.
307
00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:15,903
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD READ
308
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,070
IT OUT IN PUBLIC FOR
309
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:18,427
DOCUMENTATION.
310
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:21,073
BECAUSE MY THEORY IS THAT SPEECH
311
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,927
WAS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.
312
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,273
>> NO, IT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN ALL
313
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:25,727
CAPS.
314
00:11:25,733 --> 00:11:27,673
MY NAME IS PHIL DAVISON.
315
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:28,627
YOU GOT TO SCREAM IT.
316
00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:30,133
>> THAT'S WHAT I DID.
317
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,473
TELL ME ABOUT GIVING THAT
318
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:32,797
SPEECH.
319
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,070
IT SEEMS VERY PASSIONATE.
320
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,527
I GOT EXCITED ABOUT IT.
321
00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:39,373
AND I SAID TO HELL WITH IT.
322
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:42,127
I GOT UP THERE AND THIS IS HOW I
323
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:42,603
SPEAK.
324
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,630
>> WHILE YOU WERE UP THERE DID
325
00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,133
YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING WELL.
326
00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:50,673
>> AS THE SPEECH WAS GOING ON
327
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:55,067
AND PEOPLE STARTED LEAVING THE
328
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:55,667
ROOM.
329
00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:58,427
>> MOST PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY.
330
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,503
BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS PENT-UP
331
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,800
ENERGY AND FRUSTRATION.
332
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,400
>> I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WHEN
333
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,730
WATCHING THE SPEECH THIS GUY IS
334
00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:09,103
GAY.
335
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,130
>> I LET THEM HAVE IT
336
00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:12,603
>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR
337
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,830
SPEECH FOR A SECOND.
338
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:17,503
>> I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN
339
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,800
SOCIOLOGY, A BACHELORS DEGREE IN
340
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:22,200
PSYCHOLOGY.
341
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,870
A MASTER DEGREE IN PUBLIC
342
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:25,627
ADMINISTRATION.
343
00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:28,233
AND MASTERS DEGREE IN
344
00:12:28,233 --> 00:12:30,203
COMMUNICATION.
345
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,070
>> ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU TALKED
346
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:39,527
ABOUT YOUR MASTERS IN IN
347
00:12:39,533 --> 00:12:40,673
COMMUNICATION AND YOU SCREWED IT
348
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:40,927
UP.
349
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:43,203
>> IN THE MIDDLE OF OPPORTUNITY.
350
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,130
IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY.
351
00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:47,473
>> WHAT OTHER FAVORITE QUOTES.
352
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,197
>> A FLUTE WITHOUT HOLES IS NOT
353
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,870
A FLUTE BUT A BAGEL -- A
354
00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:55,227
DOUGHNUT.
355
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:56,233
I BLEW IT AGAIN.
356
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:59,073
>> DOUGHNUT WITHOUT A HOLE IS
357
00:12:59,067 --> 00:12:59,397
WHAT?
358
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,670
>> DANISH.
359
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,497
HOW ARE YOU WITH KIDS.
360
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:05,170
>> GOOD.
361
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:09,797
I'VE DONE A THE BEST I CAN.
362
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,900
>> HAVE YOU READ THE COMMENTS
363
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:13,930
WRITTEN ABOUT YOU.
364
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:15,073
>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY DRUGS.
365
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,067
>> YES.
366
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,627
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS
367
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:21,133
>>> MARIJUANA, L S D, ECSTASY.
368
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:26,203
MUSHROOMS AND THEN I'M GOING TO
369
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,800
WHIPS IN AS A DRUGS.
370
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,170
>> YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU
371
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:34,497
GOT TO BEAT THE BEST.
372
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:38,370
>> WISER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN
373
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:41,897
SAID ON THIS SHOW.
374
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:44,100
>> WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON
375
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:44,670
ABORTION.
376
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,827
>> I'M PRO-CHOICE.
377
00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:47,903
>> IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN
378
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,770
ABORTION HAVE ONE.
379
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:52,797
>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THAT
380
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,870
TOSH.0 WERE TO SPONSOR A
381
00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:58,667
CAMPAIGN FOR YOU TO RUN FOR
382
00:13:58,667 --> 00:13:59,197
PRESIDENCY.
383
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,470
>> NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ON
384
00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:03,267
THE TICKET.
385
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:04,597
>> THAT'S OKAY.
386
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,630
>> THAT WILL COME OUT.
387
00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:08,673
>> NO I WON'T.
388
00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:10,297
I'VE DONE FAR WORSE THAN.
389
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:14,070
>> WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE I'VE
390
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,967
DONE 10 TIMES WORSE.
391
00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:16,967
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN COME
392
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:17,397
HERE.
393
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,530
DANIEL TOSH AND I ARE GOING TO
394
00:14:19,533 --> 00:14:21,933
DANIEL TOSH IS GOING MY
395
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:22,733
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER
396
00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:25,433
AND I'M GOING TO RUN FOR
397
00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:27,233
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
398
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:28,833
IN 2012
399
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,373
>> I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN YOU AS
400
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,597
YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER IF YOU
401
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,430
WOULD WELCOME ME.
402
00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:37,103
>> YES.
403
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:42,700
I'M DANIEL TOSH GOODNIGHT.
404
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,430
>> I AM AWESOME.
405
00:14:44,433 --> 00:14:46,133
>> PHIL, ARE YOU NERVOUS.
406
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,073
>> GOOD YOU SHOULDN'T BE
407
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:48,397
NERVOUS.
408
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,500
>> BUTTON YOUR JACKET.
409
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,070
DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR DEGREES.
410
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:54,067
LOSE THE CRAZY EYE.
411
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,227
THERE'S 90,000 PEOPLE.
412
00:14:56,233 --> 00:14:58,633
BECAUSE I SENT OUT A SINGLE
413
00:14:58,633 --> 00:14:59,633
TWEET.
414
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:01,433
GIVE THEM THE MESSAGE.
415
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:02,833
>> LET'S GO.
416
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:03,833
LET'S GO!
417
00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:04,503
>> OH GOD.
418
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,570
>> THANK YOU.
419
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:09,097
THANK YOU.
420
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,200
THANK YOU.
421
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,100
THANK YOU.
422
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,570
>> APPRECIATE THAT.
423
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:14,167
THANK YOU.
424
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:15,127
THANK YOU.
425
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:15,933
THANK YOU.
426
00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:17,603
THANK YOU ALL.
427
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:18,100
VERY MUCH.
428
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,700
>> THANK YOU.
429
00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:24,070
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME
430
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:29,067
IS PHIL DAVISON.
431
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:33,167
AND I'M SEEKING THE TOSH PARTY'S
432
00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:35,067
NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE
433
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,597
UNITED STATES.
434
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,700
ALBERT EINSTEIN IS ONE OF MY
435
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:44,370
MOST FAVORITE QUOTES.
436
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:48,827
IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY LIES
437
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:53,733
OPPORTUNITY.
438
00:15:53,733 --> 00:15:57,733
IF NOMINATED TONIGHT I WILL HIT
439
00:15:57,733 --> 00:15:59,633
THE GROUND RUNNING, AND COME OUT
440
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:04,633
SWINGING AND END UP WINNING.
441
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:08,873
>> BARACK OBAMA DOES NOT CARE
442
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:26,097
ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE.
443
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:32,600
[GUNSHOT]
444
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,100
I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE I
445
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:34,900
WAS WHEN I HEARD PHIL DAVISON
446
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:37,130
WAS ASSASSINATED
447
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,173
BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
448
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:40,697
IT WAS REALLY EASY TO REMEMBER.
449
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,830
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
450
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:48,403
HERE'S OUR PRANK OF THE WEEK.
451
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:54,670
>> 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, RECH, 10,
452
00:16:54,667 --> 00:17:04,627
9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.1, 10, 9,
453
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:11,333
8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
454
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:14,903
>> PARDON ME IF I DON'T LAUGH
455
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:21,670
BECAUSE IT'S COLD.
456
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:22,627
THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY
457
00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:23,373
VIDEOS THE FASCISTS AT COMEDY
458
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,097
CENTRAL WON'T LET ME SHOW YOU.
459
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,470
MAYBE BECAUSE MOST OF THEM
460
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,427
FEATURE A MAN, A WOMAN, MEMBERS
461
00:17:28,433 --> 00:17:29,773
OF THE CLERGY, SOMETIMES A
462
00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:31,867
HORSE, EXPLORING THEIR BODIES.
463
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:34,367
BUT I FEEL THESE VIDEOS DESERVE
464
00:17:34,367 --> 00:17:35,167
TO BE SEEN, AND I FIGURED OUT
465
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,297
THE PERFECT WAY TO MAKE THEM TV
466
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,570
FRIENDLY, IN A NEW SEGMENT
467
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:45,197
CALLED CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.
468
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:51,067
AH.
469
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:52,267
AH.
470
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:53,467
AH.
471
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:54,527
AH.
472
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:55,703
AH.
473
00:17:55,700 --> 00:18:04,300
AH.
474
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:17,470
OH.
475
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:17,927
HEY.
476
00:18:17,933 --> 00:18:20,073
HIT THE BEAR.
477
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,767
HIT THE BEAR.
478
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:28,827
HIT THE BEAR.
479
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:29,503
AH
480
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,430
THE GREAT THING ABOUT DOING THIS
481
00:18:30,433 --> 00:18:31,933
SHOW IN HOLLYWOOD IS THERE IS NO
482
00:18:31,933 --> 00:18:32,773
SHORTAGE OF AWFUL PARENTS WHO
483
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:33,697
WILL LET THEIR KIDS DO ANYTHING
484
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,400
FOR A SAG CARD.
485
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,330
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
486
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,303
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE
487
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:39,470
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
488
00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:40,497
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
489
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:44,330
FROM RAW VEGA.TV.
490
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:45,403
>> HEY EDGAR.
491
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,530
CHECK IT OUT.
492
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:46,803
HEY.
493
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:47,430
WHAT'S THAT.
494
00:18:47,433 --> 00:18:50,503
>> I JUST GOT A NEW BLACK LIGHT.
495
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,300
NOW I'M GOING TO KNOW WHAT
496
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:57,670
YOU'VE BEEN [BLEEP] ON.
497
00:18:57,667 --> 00:19:00,067
>> HMM.
498
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:05,497
THE ROOM IS COMPLETELY DEVOID.
499
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:08,070
IT'S WEIRD I SWEAR TO GOD I
500
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:12,067
SMELL IT ALL THE TIME.
501
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:12,767
THAT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SINGLE
502
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,727
LOAD.
503
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:15,473
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TV
504
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:19,927
FUNHOUSE.
505
00:19:19,933 --> 00:19:32,073
WELCOME BACK DILFS -- DADS I'D
506
00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,497
LIKE TO FINGER.
507
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:35,300
ON NEXT WEEK'S SHOW, I GO
508
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:43,470
HEAD-TO-HEAD WITH THIS GUY.
509
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:47,797
DON'T GIVE UP.
510
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,170
ALRIGHT, I WILL GO ON RECORD AS
511
00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:50,397
SAYING NEXT WEEK'S WEB
512
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,400
REDEMPTION, EMMY WORTHY.
513
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,170
JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE.
514
00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:54,927
HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON
515
00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:55,733
TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
516
00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:57,603
DURING THE SHOWS.
517
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,870
I NO LONGER HAVE TO PLUG THE
518
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:00,267
AIRING OF MY SPECIAL
519
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,867
HAPPY THOUGHTS BECAUSE THE UNCUT
520
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,097
EXTENDED DVD VERSION IS NOW
521
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,130
AVAILABLE IN STORES AND ONLINE.
522
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,433
EVERYONE IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE
523
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:09,073
WILL BE GETTING AN ADVANCED
524
00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,067
COPY.
525
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:14,567
BOTTLE THAT.
526
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,097
WHICH MEANS IT WILL BE AVAILABLE
527
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,400
FOR FREE ONLINE LATER TONIGHT.
528
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,270
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER
529
00:20:20,267 --> 00:20:21,897
AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
530
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:23,030
AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU EVER
531
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:23,803
GOTTEN ONE OF THOSE SCAM EMAILS
532
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,370
FROM A NIGERIAN PRINCE ASKING
533
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:27,267
YOU FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT
534
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:27,997
NUMBER?
535
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,000
I'M SICK OF THOSE THINGS
536
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:29,770
CLOGGING UP MY INBOX SO I
537
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:30,797
DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A TASTE OF
538
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:36,200
THEIR OWN MEDICINE.
539
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,370
>> HEY NIGERIA.
540
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,027
HERE'S MY JUNK MAIL.
541
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:43,033
NOW WE'RE EVEN.
542
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:43,773
YOU HAVE $10,000.
543
00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:45,697
>> NO.
544
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:46,470
IF I APPEAR TO LOOK 2 YEARS
545
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:47,997
YOUNGER IN THAT BIT, GOOD EYE.
546
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,200
WE'VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO THAT
547
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:49,900
COMEDY NUGGET FOR QUITE SOME
548
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,270
TIME.
549
00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:54,627
ALRIGHT, IT'S CLOSING TIME, YOU
550
00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:56,603
DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU
551
00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,070
CAN'T STAY HERE.
552
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:01,067
I KNOW WHO I
553
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:01,627
ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH.
554
00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:17,173
GOODNIGHT.
555
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:18,227
DID YOU EVER LOSE YOUR COOL.
556
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:19,073
IN THAT SPEECH.
557
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:20,967
MANY TIMES.
558
00:21:20,967 --> 00:21:24,497
IT DATES BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD.
559
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,470
THAT'S WHO I AM.
560
00:21:26,467 --> 00:21:28,067
YOU KNOW PEOPLE WHAT DO YOU WANT
561
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:29,697
TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE PHIL.
562
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:32,370
I USE THE TWISTED SISTER LINE.
563
00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:33,397
I WANT TO ROCK.
564
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,330
>> YOU FORGOT.
565
00:21:35,333 --> 00:21:37,603
I NEVER KNEW IT.
34891
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
