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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,743 (brakes squeal) 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,711 (woman) ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO, 3 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,179 MY DAUGHTER NATALIE AND I SHOWED UP AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE. 4 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,180 AH, THERAPEUTIC DOUGHNUTS. 5 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:16,015 (toy squeaks) 6 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:19,320 (doorbell rings) 7 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,423 WHY ARE WE HERE? 8 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,394 ON... EARTH? 9 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,364 NO, AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S. 10 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,833 WE ARE HERE BECAUSE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA 11 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,232 ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, 12 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:34,065 AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THEM, 13 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:37,372 AND THAT IS... FUN. 14 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,535 RIGHT? 15 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,082 (sighs) 16 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,246 HI, GRANDMA! 17 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,908 MOMMY, MAX... 18 00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:50,517 HOPE THIS ISN'T A BAD TIME FOR YOU, 'CAUSE IT IS FOR ME. 19 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,751 MY STEPFATHER MAX IS A SUCCESSFUL NIGHTCLUB OWNER 20 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,686 WITH AN AVERSION TO TRADITIONAL WORKOUT CLOTHES. 21 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,793 (panting) DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE HE'S FLEEING A CRIME SCENE? 22 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,556 (siren whoops) 23 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,534 - MAYBE COME BACK IN AN HOUR? - IS SOMETHING WRONG? 24 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,134 I LEFT JULIAN. 25 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,436 I CAN'T TAKE HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE. 26 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,938 I MEAN, HE USED OUR RENT MONEY TO ADOPT A HIGHWAY. 27 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,870 LITTLE KNOWN FACT, IF YOU NEGLECT YOUR ADOPTED HIGHWAY, 28 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,435 THEY COME AFTER YOU. 29 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,984 I'M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT? 30 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,938 I MEAN, PLEASE TELL ME I'M THE NORMAL ONE. 31 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,607 IN THIS HOUSE, YOU ARE. 32 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,447 (exhales) 33 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,492 WHICH IS WHY I'VE COME HOME. 34 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:25,918 IT'S ABOUT SIX MONTHS LATER, 35 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,063 AND I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS. 36 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,088 I'M NOT A FAILURE. I'M... TRENDY. 37 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,264 (telephone beeps) EXCELLENT NEWS. 38 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,833 (singsongy) MAX'S FRIEND KENNY WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT. (cork pops) 39 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,132 KENNY'S 60. 40 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:38,334 SO? 60 IS THE NEW 30. 41 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,126 UH, 60 IS DOUBLE 30. 42 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,068 WELL, I'M NOT A MATHEMATICIAN. I'M A ROMANTIC. 43 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,313 (singsongy) AND KENNY IS A VERY TENDER LOVER. 44 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,440 MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE OF CENSORING HERSELF. 45 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,276 I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY THIS, BUT... 46 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,111 MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP. 47 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,846 BUT JELLY TASTES SO GOOD ON A (bleep). 48 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,152 ISN'T SHE FABULOUS? 49 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,594 (laughs) 50 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,418 THANKS. YOU JUST RUINED KENNY. 51 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,124 LOOK, IT MAY BE AN UNREALISTIC GOAL, 52 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,456 BUT I AM DETERMINED TO BE THE BEST SINGLE WORKING MOM 53 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,132 IN THE UNIVERSE. 54 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,260 BESIDES, NATALIE WOULD FREAK IF I WENT ON A D-A-T-E. 55 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,998 (whispers) THAT SPELLS "DATE." 56 00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:14,302 MM. OH, GOOD JOB. YOU TOTALLY GOT THE POINT OF THAT. 57 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,205 OKAY, THE SCULPTURE WE BOUGHT IN NEW MEXICO FINALLY CAME. 58 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,508 (Polly) YAY! (claps) 59 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,009 YAY, GRANDPA! WHAT'S A SCULPTURE? 60 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,841 I JUST DON'T WANT NATALIE EXPOSED 61 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,776 TO THE SAME THINGS I WAS. NO OFFENSE. 62 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,512 WELL, I'M NOT OFFENDED 63 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,777 BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 64 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,175 (chuckles) 65 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:32,717 WHAT? YOU HAD A PERFECTLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD. 66 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:33,653 MM-HMM. 67 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:34,957 (singsongy) HONEY! 68 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,288 WE'RE GOING OUT TO SEE MARTY. 69 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,885 NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT, HONEY. 70 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,396 I SAID WE'RE GOING TO A KEY PARTY. (gasps) 71 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,899 YEAH, SO IT WAS NORMAL FOR ME TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ORGY. 72 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,201 OH, ORGY. PLEASE. IT WAS SOME HALF-HEARTED GROPING, 73 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,304 AND THEN WE ATE A WHEEL OF BRIE. 74 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,996 I LOVE OUR MOTHER/DAUGHTER TALKS. 75 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,907 I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT SEX. 76 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,839 I MEAN, MAYBE IT'S GENERATIONAL, 77 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,544 BUTAM VERY PROUD OF MY ORGASM. 78 00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,206 WELL, YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL. YOU SHOULD BE ON A STAMP. 79 00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:59,676 (crunches) 80 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,253 LOOK, JUST BECAUSE AFTER YOUR DIVORCE, 81 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,022 YOU SLEPT WITH EVERY GUY IN YOUR IMPROV CLASS-- 82 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,750 AND KAREN. 83 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,645 AND KAREN--DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M GONNA DO THE SAME, 84 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,257 BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE MOTHER 85 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,319 WHO PUTS HER DAUGHTER FIRST, 86 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,358 AND THAT MEANS SETTING HEALTHY, NORMAL... HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. 87 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:17,504 YEP, IT'S A PUPPY FOR DADDY, HUH? LOOK AT THIS. 88 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,831 THAT DOG'S SCARY! 89 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,996 OH, THAT'S NOT SCARY. THIS IS SCARY. 90 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,495 (imitates dog growling) (Natalie screams) 91 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,037 SHE'S AFRAID OF DOGS, AND THAT IS OKAY. 92 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,383 THAT'S NOT A DOG. THAT'S A SCULPTURE. 93 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,939 I'M AFRAID OF SCULPTURES. SHE'S AFRAID OF SCULPTURES. 94 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,908 NATALIE, IT'S FAKE. SEE? WATCH. YOU CAN KICK IT. 95 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,217 (thud) OW! 96 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,719 (bleep) 97 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,450 (Patrick & Eugene) * IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW 98 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,846 * IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW (laughs) 99 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,518 * IT'S YOU AND ME, AND HIM AND HER * 100 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,126 * WE'LL GET THROUGH SOMEHOW * 101 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,528 * IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW 102 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,730 WE'RE GOING OUT. 103 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,361 YEAH. YOU TWO LOOK SNUG. 104 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,767 WHEN NATALIE IS NOT AFRAID TO SLEEP ON HER OWN, 105 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,769 I WILL USE MY BED. 106 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,071 IT'S CALLED ATTACHMENT PARENTING. 107 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,643 YEAH. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. NICE. 108 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,271 LOVE YOU! BYE. 109 00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:01,807 (sighs) 110 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:06,152 LAMBY, THIS FEELS HEALTHY, RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU THINK? 111 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,119 DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. 112 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,764 (doorbell rings) 113 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,329 MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN ALWAYS MEANS WELL. 114 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,088 HE JUST DOESN'T DO ANYTHING WELL. 115 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,057 GUESS WHAT I GOT. 116 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,304 A JOB. 117 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,260 (scoffs) A LIFE HAMMER, FINALLY. 118 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,798 BREAKS MY CAR WINDOW IN CASE 119 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,273 I GET TRAPPED IN MY CAR UNDERWATER. 120 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,001 HOW CAN WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN? 121 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,966 MM. SERIOUSLY, I WANNA RUN A TEST. 122 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,644 WILL YOU TIME ME? 123 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,073 TAKES ABOUT 90 SECONDS FOR A CAR TO FILL WITH WATER, 124 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,177 ACCORDING TO HorribleWaysToDie.com. 125 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,649 MAYBE LATER. 126 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,748 JULIAN LOVES MY FAMILY. OKAY. 127 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,080 LATER COULD BE TOO LATE. 128 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,315 (door closes) AND KEEPS FINDING REASONS TO SHOW UP, 129 00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,292 NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES MAX TURNS THE HOSE ON HIM. HI, GUYS. 130 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,660 HI! HELLO. 131 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:49,659 DO YOU GUYS HAVE A BRICK? 132 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,160 GOLD BRICK? 133 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,331 BRICK OF HEROIN. BRICK FROM "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF." 134 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,531 (claps) 135 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:57,132 NO, J-JUST LIKE A BRICK. REGULAR BRICK. 136 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,204 YEAH, SOMETHING TO PUT BEHIND MY TIRE 137 00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,801 'CAUSE MY BRAKES ARE SHOT. 138 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,703 THERE'S BRICKS OUT BY THE TOOLSHED. 139 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,865 THANKS, DAD. 140 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,942 OH. I'LL JUST BE A FEW MORE DAYS 141 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,884 UNTIL I'M ABLE TO GET POLLY'S PHONE WINNECTED. 142 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:09,939 WHAT'S THAT? 143 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,977 (scoffs) WIRELESSLY CONNECTED. 144 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,282 COME ON, BUD. 145 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:19,015 OKAY, HE'S USING ALL THAT PHONE INSTALLING CRAP 146 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,722 AS AN EXCUSE TO BE HERE SO HE CAN 147 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,664 WORM HIS WAY BACK INTO OUR FAMILY. 148 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,030 HE AND POLLY ARE DIVORCED. 149 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,788 WHY DOESN'T HE JUST SLEEP WITH ONE OF OUR FRIENDS 150 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,027 AND INVEST IN A TEQUILA BUSINESS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? 151 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:32,232 OOH. TEQUILA. GOOD IDEA. 152 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,465 AND HE'S STEALING MY CREAM SODA. 153 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,572 THERE'S ONE LESS THAN YESTERDAY. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. 154 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,865 OH, OKAY. HONEY, GO EASY ON THAT. 155 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:42,137 LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN, THIS IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO. 156 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,035 WE GOTTA KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, AND WE GOTTA CATCH HIM 157 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:47,207 IN THE ACT, AND WHEN WE DO, BOOM! 158 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,547 I'M NOT SURE WHAT COMES AFTER THE "BOOM," 159 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,582 BUT SOMETHING GOOD. 160 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,718 SEE, YOU'RE JUST OVERLY SENSITIVE 161 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,663 ABOUT PEOPLE TAKING YOUR THINGS BECAUSE OF THE... 162 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,489 (whispers) TESTICULAR CANCER. 163 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,155 YOU LET THEM TAKE MY BALL. (monitor beeping steadily) 164 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,902 YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD ME, LIKE A SENTRY. 165 00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:05,930 (gasps) OH, I THINK IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER 166 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,196 WITH JUST THE ONE. 167 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,244 IT'S MORE DISTINCTIVE. 168 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,269 (both laugh) (monitor beeping rapidly) 169 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,605 DON'T PATRONIZE ME. LET ME MISS MY BALL. 170 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:19,183 NOW--NOW HE'S IN THE POOL. I JUST CLEANED IT. 171 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,082 I'VE MADE QUITE A NAME FOR MYSELF 172 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:24,754 BEHIND THE SMOOTHIE COUNTER AT FRESH SIDE MARKET & CAFE, 173 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,085 MOSTLY BECAUSE I'VE NAMED ALL THE SMOOTHIES AFTER ME. 174 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,220 (whirring loudly) 175 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,285 POLLY. 176 00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:33,733 (loudly) NO CAN HEAR YOU, GREGGIE! 177 00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,861 (whirring stops) I AM ON TO YOU WITH THE BLENDER. 178 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,026 I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BRINGING IN BUSINESS. 179 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,865 THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CAN USE THIS BLENDER TO IGNORE ME. 180 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,301 (whirring resumes) 181 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,765 (whirring stops) SORRY. I'M JUST MESSING. GO. 182 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,365 OKAY, WELL, I WANTED TO COME OVER HERE BECAUSE-- 183 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,936 (whirring resumes) 184 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,405 (whirring stops) OKAY. WHAT? 185 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,283 ARE YOU GONNA? 186 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,611 NO. 187 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,106 YOU'RE MY BOSS. 188 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,377 THAT WOULD BE VERY DISRESPECTFUL. 189 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,745 OKAY-- 190 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,145 (whirring resumes) 191 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,486 (whirring stops) 192 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,561 HE IS TRYING TO TELL YOU 193 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,790 THAT THE GUY WHO COMES IN HERE ALL THE TIME 194 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,725 SAID HE WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT. 195 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,100 JEWISH SUPERMAN? 196 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,998 (both) JEWISH SUPERMAN. 197 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,770 LOOK AT HIM PRETENDING TO LOOK AT THE CHEESES. 198 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,300 THAT MAN HAS THE BODY FAT OF HILARY SWANK. 199 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,295 HE'S NEVER TASTED CHEESE. 200 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:20,837 GET OVER THERE BEFORE JEWISH SUPERMAN FLIES AWAY. 201 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,984 UH, COVER ME. 202 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,650 I'M GOING IN. 203 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,678 SO... THURSDAY NIGHT. 204 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,124 I'LL PICK YOU UP. 205 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,248 GREAT. I WILL BE PICKED UP BY YOU. 206 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,453 GREAT. 207 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,491 (shaky voice) UH... 208 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,093 GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT? 209 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,194 I HAVE A DATE. 210 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,825 (squeals) 211 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,360 I'M BACK IN THE GAME, LADIES. NOT A LADY. 212 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:45,195 WELL, I HOPE THAT I'M THIS CUTE WHEN I'M OLD. WHAT? 213 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:48,842 I MEAN, "HEY, GIRL. (singsongy) HEY." 214 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:52,039 AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO ME, WHERE I WAS STANDING, 215 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:55,512 AND THE FACT THAT YOU KINDA SEE ME AS AN ASEXUAL BLUR. 216 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:56,943 EVERYBODY WINS. OKAY. 217 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,707 NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIND A BABYSITTER 218 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,606 WHO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY BECAUSE I MAKE SMOOTHIES FOR A LIVING. 219 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:03,118 WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS? (exhales) A WHOLE NIGHT? 220 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,690 NO, THEY'VE NEVER DONE A WHOLE NIGHT. 221 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,548 THEY DID DO A LONG TELEPHONE CALL ONCE. 222 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,517 I DID GO OUT TO GET THE PAPER. 223 00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,116 BESIDES, NATALIE'S AFRAID OF ME DATING, 224 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,857 AND MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE OF CENSORING HERSELF. 225 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,862 ON TOP OF THAT, I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IMPLIED 226 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,055 THAT SHE WAS AN UBER SLUT 227 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,566 AND THAT I WOULD NEVER BE LIKE HER. 228 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,228 AND IF I TELL HER THAT I'M GOING ON A DATE 229 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,866 WITH A GUY I JUST PICKED UP IN A GROCERY STORE, 230 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,371 I'LL LOOK LIKE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE. 231 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,142 SO THEN LIE TO HER, YOU KNOW? 232 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:27,241 TELL HER THAT YOUR FIRM BUT UNDERSTANDING BOSS 233 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,644 IS MAKING YOU GO TO A WORK-RELATED PARTY. 234 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,977 YOUR MOM IS HALF LOOPED MOST OF THE TIME. 235 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,412 I'M SURE SHE'LL BUY THAT. YEAH. I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT 236 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,717 OF LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS 237 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,749 IF YOU CAN'T USE THEM FOR UNPAID HELP? 238 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,685 SINCE DATES FOR SINGLE MOMS 239 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,320 WHO LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE NONEXISTENT, I WENT FOR IT. 240 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,085 SO... I NEED TO GO OUT THURSDAY. THIS THURSDAY. 241 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,996 GOING SOMEPLACE FUN? (gasps) 242 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,828 (whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA. 243 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,603 NO. UGH. IT'S WORK. I MEAN, IT'S A WORK-RELATED PARTY, 244 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,573 SO I'LL BE DRESSED UP AS IF IT'S FUN, 245 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,742 BUT IN REALITY, IT'S LIKE UGH. BLECH. 246 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:56,739 (singsongy) COULD BE FUN. 247 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,440 (whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA. 248 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:01,841 NO. NO. NO FUN. NOT EVEN ONE "CHA." 249 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,005 GREGG INSISTS I GO. ARGH, THE OGRE. 250 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,854 THE POINT IS, I'LL BE OUT, LIKE, THE WHOLE NIGHT. 251 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,950 CAN YOU BABYSIT? 252 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,752 OF COURSE WE CAN. WE'RE SEEING "LOVE, LOSS, AND WHAT I WORE." 253 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,024 WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO CANCEL. IT'S GOT PATTY LuPONE. 254 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,463 SHE'S OUR GRANDDAUGHTER. WE CAN SELL THE TICKETS. 255 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,289 IS... THAT A "YES"? 256 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,585 YES. I JUST SAID "YES." 257 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,027 HE JUST SAID "YES." 258 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,901 YAY! 259 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,530 YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE GREAT BABYSITTERS. 260 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,474 YOU KNOW, IN THE "NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, 261 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,440 NO PEOPLE COMING OVER" KINDA WAY. 262 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,910 NO MARTY, NO KENNY. 263 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,010 HMM. 264 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,284 OKAY, HERE'S A LIST 265 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,775 OF NATALIE'S FAVORITE TV SHOWS, 266 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,087 AND I MADE HER DINNER, SO JUST NEEDS TO BE HEATED UP. 267 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,319 WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER? 268 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,764 (laughs) 269 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,419 I'M JOKING. 270 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,457 (gasps) MAX, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN I'M JOKING. 271 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,592 NEITHER DO I. 272 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:54,897 OKAY, SO SHE GETS HER BATH AT 7:00, 273 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,098 AND THEN SHE HAS TO BE IN BED BY 8:00, 274 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,399 AND WHEN I SAY 8:00, I MEAN 8:00, 275 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,100 AND WHEN I SAY BED, 276 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,932 I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO JUST STAY WITH HER UNTIL SHE FALLS ASLEEP. 277 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,098 BLECH. THIS IS ENDLESS. 278 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,495 OKAY, HERE ARE ALL THE MEDICINES, 279 00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,106 BUT JUST IN CASE, OKAY? 280 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,868 CALL ME FIRST. DON'T OVERMEDICATE. YEAH. 281 00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,936 (pills rattle) 282 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,148 OH, NOW THESE DON'T LOOK LIKE ANY FUN AT ALL. 283 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,450 WELL, THAT ONE DOES. IT'S BLUE. 284 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,752 HERE'S THE NUMBER OF THE PEDIATRICIAN. MM-HMM. 285 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,815 AND, UM, I'M SURE YOU WON'T NEED IT. HERE'S MY CELL NUMBER. 286 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,964 WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE, IDIOTS? WE HAVE YOUR CELL NUMBER. 287 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,020 OF COURSE. (rips paper off pad) 288 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,327 GIVE IT TO ME. OKAY. 289 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:30,329 WHEN YOU SAY "BATH AT 7:00," DO I JUST CHECK THE TIME... 290 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,873 OKAY. (laughs) I ADMIT IT. THE JOKING'S FUNNY. 291 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,500 MM-HMM. 292 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,474 OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SERIOUS. WAIT. DIDN'T YOU... 293 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,643 EVER GIVE ME A BATH? 294 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,312 WELL, I WORK NIGHTS. I... 295 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,480 I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU KNOW? 296 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,609 I REALLY FEEL LIKE ONE OF US SHOULD REMEMBER THAT. 297 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,184 ONE NIGHT. NO BATH. IT'S FINE. 298 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,053 WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 299 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,121 PUTTING THE SCARY THING AWAY. 300 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,350 OH. SO THAT'S HOW WE DEAL WITH THINGS WE'RE AFRAID OF, HUH? 301 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,315 SEE, THIS IS WHY WE DON'T WIN WARS ANYMORE. 302 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,494 YOUR GENERATION DIDN'T WIN ANY WARS. 303 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,392 HEY, THOSE BASTARDS HAD A HEIGHT CUTOFF. 304 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,964 I WAS READY TO GO. 305 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,392 AND WATCH THE LANGUAGE AND THE CONVERSATION TOPICS. 306 00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,828 NOTHING BELOW THE WAIST. 307 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:03,903 WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK TO HER ABOUT? 308 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,871 I MEAN, KIDS ARE BORING. 309 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:08,869 THAT'S TRUE. I MEAN, WE'RE THE FASCINATING ONES. 310 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,714 OKAY, SWEETIE, I'M JUST WRITING DOWN MY CELL NUMBER. SEE? 311 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,541 AND YOUR DAD'S. 312 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,705 AND LOOK, YOU DON'T NEED TO, UH, TELL GRANDMA AND GRANDPA 313 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:21,175 THAT I'M DOING THIS, BUT IF YOU EVER FEEL SCARED IN ANY WAY, 314 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,384 YOU JUST CALL ME, OKAY? 315 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,975 WHY WOULD I BE SCARED? 316 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,587 OH, YOU KNOW, IF YOUR GRANDPARENTS 317 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:28,088 PULL OUT A WHEEL OF BRIE, JUST CALL ME... IMMEDIATELY. 318 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,061 I GOTTA GO. (kisses) 319 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,590 (whispers) BYE. 320 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,964 (under breath) AND MOMMY'S A BIG SLUT. 321 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,774 WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT? 322 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,770 OH, SHE IS ON A DATE. SHE'S ON A DATE! SHE'S ON A DATE! 323 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,273 (Max laughs) 324 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,214 CHA-CHA-CHA. 325 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,210 (hip-hop dance music playing) 326 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,753 IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 327 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,879 YES. OH, GOD, I HOPE SO. 328 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,884 I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY NEWS REPORTS 329 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,947 INVOLVING SMALL CHILDREN AND OLDER CRAZY PEOPLE? 330 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,046 BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST THEM-- 331 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:02,588 I MEAN, I DON'T TRUST THE... RECEPTION IN HERE. 332 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,192 IT IS WAY TOO DARK. 333 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,194 OKAY. 334 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,256 I'M SORRY. I'M SO... (laughs) I JUST... 335 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,256 YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DATE NEEDS? 336 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,268 COCKTAILS. WAITER? 337 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,100 UH, I-I-I DON'T KNOW. I WAS TENSE, 338 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,965 SO... I TOOK A DAZEDAN. 339 00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,905 ** 340 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,280 IT'S FINE. THOSE GO GREAT WITH COCKTAILS. 341 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:26,279 MY MOM CALLS THEM DAZEDAN-TINIS. 342 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,953 GIVE ME MY CROWN BACK, PRINCESS. 343 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,421 OH! WELL, IF WE'RE BEST FRIENDS AND PRINCESSES, 344 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,890 WHY DO WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME? 345 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,289 (laughs) 346 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,460 I'M A MERMAID. 347 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,828 OKAY, WE'RE MERMAIDS NOW. I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE PLOT. 348 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,488 WHY DO YOU THINK THAT POLLY DIDN'T WANT US OR... 349 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,927 (mumbles) 350 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,562 TO KNOW ABOUT HER... (whispers) D-A-T-E? 351 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,066 OH, WHO CARES? 352 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:48,238 AS LONG AS SHE MOVES ON FROM J-U-L-I-A-N 353 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,238 AND I GET MY SODA BACK. 354 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:55,610 THEY'RE SO ENMESHED. THEY SHOULD VISIT A T-H-E-R-A-P-I-S-T. 355 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,612 VISIT "THE RAPIST"? 356 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,154 (exhales) 357 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,479 THERAPIST. 358 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,983 OH, I'M NOT A SPELLER. I'M A DREAMER. 359 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,987 IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE WE KILLING IT WITH THIS BATHTUB? 360 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,089 OH, WE ARE. (singsongy) BEST GRANDPARENTS EVER. 361 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,421 (normal voice) COME ON. BOOM. 362 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,257 SHE DIDN'T TRUST US TO BABYSIT. 363 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,862 (laughs) 364 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,795 YOU'VE GOT SOME GREAT MOVES! 365 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,500 WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THEN 366 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,201 WAS THAT LUKE CAN'T HOLD HIS DAZEDAN-TINIS 367 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,773 AS WELL AS MY MOM CAN. 368 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,771 (woman) * O-O-ON THE FLOOR, DANCE 369 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,114 AAH! BAD! BAD DOGGY SCARED ME! 370 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,011 NO, IT DIDN'T. 371 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,713 NATALIE, HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY BEEN WITH A REAL DOG? 372 00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:39,016 ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? 373 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,492 I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THAT. 374 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,989 (barking) (Elaine) HI, BABY. 375 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,694 I'M SCARED. NO, YOU'RE NOT. 376 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,296 YES, I AM, YOU DOODYHEAD. 377 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,129 I'VE ASKED YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT. 378 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,025 I WANNA CALL MY MOMMY. 379 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,967 OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T, 'CAUSE YOUR MOM IS ON A DATE. 380 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,003 UH, ELAINE. 381 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,367 I MEAN A D-A-T-E. 382 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:00,706 MOMMY'S ON A DATE? 383 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,210 SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO A WORK PARTY. 384 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,213 YEAH, WELL, SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT YOU TO WORRY 385 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,375 ABOUT GETTING A NEW DADDY. (clenching teeth) ELAINE! ELAINE! 386 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,984 WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER THERE'S NO SANTA? THERE'S NO SANTA?! 387 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,547 WE ARE BLOWING THIS! 388 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,254 LOOK, LOOK... LOOK AT THE ADORABLE LITTLE... 389 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:16,016 LOOK, NATALIE, SEE? (baby voice) LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PUPPY. 390 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,256 HELLO. WHO'S THE GOOD FELLA? WHO IS THE GOOD FELLA, HUH? 391 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,361 (barking) AAH! (bleep) 392 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,233 CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! IT'S A DOG. 393 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,902 CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! 394 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,602 (dogs barking) WE NEED A VERY CUTE PUPPY, 395 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,373 AND WE NEED IT NOW. 396 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,441 WHO RUNS THIS JOINT? 397 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,742 SOMEBODY IS GONNA DRIVE YOU HOME. OH, CRAP. 398 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,007 IT'S MY EX-HUSBAND. 399 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,076 STAY HERE. 400 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,353 OKAY. STAY. 401 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,682 OH, I AM SO WASTED. 402 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:48,256 HEY! HI! WHY ARE... YOU HERE? 403 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,288 NATALIE CALLED. WOW, YOU LOOK HOT. 404 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,693 NATALIE CALLED? YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A DOG. 405 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,885 MAX'S DAMN DOG SCULPTURE. THAT'S IT. 406 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,528 I AM TAKING THE OTHER BALL. 407 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,634 HOW YOU DOING? TOO MUCH CHARDONNAY? 408 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,426 SWEETIE, ARE YOU OKAY? 409 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,598 HI, MOMMY. HI. 410 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,036 LOOK, MOMMY HAS A BOYFRIEND. 411 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,442 (falsetto voice) OH, A BOYFRIEND. 412 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:07,543 LUKE. 413 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,384 WHO TOLD HER ABOUT THE DATE? 414 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,409 SHE DID. I HAD NO IDEA. 415 00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:11,643 WELL... NO, YOU DID. 416 00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,208 THE WHEELS JUST CAME OFF THE EVENING. 417 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,316 WHO'S TO SAY WHO SAID WHAT? 418 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,448 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD HER I WAS GETTING A BOYFRIEND. 419 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,394 I DIDN'T. YEAH. 420 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,319 I DIDN'T. I JUST SAID THAT IF YOU DID... OH, SHE DID. 421 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,964 IT COULD BE INCREDIBLE. SHE WOULD BE... (speaks indistinctly) 422 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,390 I MEAN, HOW IS SHIELDING HER FROM THE INEVITABLE 423 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,834 A GOOD THING? YEAH, THAT NEVER WORKS. 424 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,558 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS INSIST 425 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,234 ON CONFRONTING PEOPLE WITH THINGS THEY'RE AFRAID OF. 426 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,402 WHAT DID WE DO THAT WAS... 427 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,930 LIKE DOGS? 428 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,965 (dog yapping) RUN FOR SAFETY! 429 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,901 YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF DOGS! 430 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,466 WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?! 431 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,935 THAT'S IT, YOU GUYS! AAH! 432 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,014 (continues yapping) 433 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,342 POLLY, IT'S JUST A PUPPY. 434 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,177 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE BIG TO KILL! 435 00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:48,583 HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A JOE PESCI MOVIE?! 436 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,175 (barking continues) CAN YOU MAKE IT STOP THAT? 437 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,987 THIS IS A TERRIBLE VIOLATION OF MY PARENTAL... 438 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,249 DADDY, YOUR CAR IS DRIVING ITSELF! 439 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,157 WOW. THAT... 440 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,259 (Polly shouting indistinctly) 441 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,090 I FORGOT MY BRICK! 442 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,456 HE FORGOT HIS BRICK. THAT'S MY BRICK. 443 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,834 HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! (crash) 444 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,133 OY. 445 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,765 IS THE DOG GONE? (barks) 446 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,299 (whines and barks) 447 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,465 OH! (gasps) 448 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,473 THERE GOES USING THE TRUCK AS COLLATERAL. 449 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,035 OH. I THINK I MAY NEED A DOCTOR. 450 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,675 OHH. (thud) 451 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,509 DAD, WOULD I BE COVERED UNDER YOUR INSURANCE? 452 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,845 LIKE MOST TERRIBLE DATES, 453 00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,879 THIS ONE ENDED WITH A FAMILY CARAVAN. 454 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,875 I THINK IT'S TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE 455 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,117 TO USE A BRICK AS A BRAKE. 456 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,294 MM, ACTUALLY, I THINK TONIGHT PROVES IT'S MORE IRRESPONSIBLE 457 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,063 NOT TO USE ONE, RIGHT? (imitates crash) 458 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,963 COME ON, DAD. DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE. 459 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,504 OKAY, I'M NOT YOUR DAD, AND THIS MAY NOT BE MY PLACE, 460 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,730 JULIAN, BUT I THINK IT'S UNHEALTHY 461 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,696 THAT YOU'RE AROUND POLLY SO MUCH. 462 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,244 THERE. I SAID IT. 463 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,710 I'M HELPING HER SET UP HER PHONE, WHICH TAKES TIME. 464 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,868 MM, DOES IT? OR ARE YOU PURPOSEFULLY BREAKING IT 465 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,637 SO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE TO COME OVER? AH. 466 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,206 WHAT? 467 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,884 NOT CONSCIOUSLY. I DIDN'T SAY "CONSCIOUSLY." 468 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,223 IN--IN--IN, UH, SUBCONSCIOUSLY. 469 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,519 LOOK, YOU'RE DIVORCED. YOU GOTTA GET ON OUT THERE, 470 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:02,522 BANG A COLLEGE GIRL, BANG A BUNCH OF 'EM. 471 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:03,715 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE 472 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,756 TO HAVE TWO PERFECTLY WORKING BALLS? 473 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:07,993 DON'T SQUANDER 'EM. 474 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,727 I'M NOT SQUANDERING MY BALLS. 475 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,032 OKAY, THEN WHY DON'T YOU LET POLLY GO? 476 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,525 I NEED TO BE THERE FOR HER AND NATALIE, 477 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,197 BECAUSE I WASN'T BEFORE, OKAY? 478 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,737 NOW CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GET OFF MY BACK? 479 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,071 I'M NOT ON YOUR BACK. 480 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,767 JUST TAKING CARE OF MY FAMILY. 481 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,112 SO AM I. 482 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,050 SOMEBODY BETTER TAKE CARE OF ME, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA THROW UP AGAIN. 483 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,353 GO AHEAD AND VOMIT. 484 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,454 YEAH. IT'S YOUR CAR ANYWAY. (chuckles) 485 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,456 WHAT AN EXCITING EVENING. 486 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,758 WE SHOULD DO MORE FUN STUFF LIKE THIS. 487 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,360 FUN STUFF LIKE YOU COMPLETELY DISREGARDING 488 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,392 ALL OF MY INSTRUCTIONS? 489 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,787 YES. 490 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,358 BUT I'M NOT JUDGING IT LIKE YOU ARE. SEE? 491 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,227 (singsongy) I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 492 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,896 OH, THAT MUST BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE FOR YOU. 493 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,435 YOU ARE PROJECTING YOUR FEARS ONTO... 494 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142 I HAVE A VERY VALID REASON TO BE AFRAID OF DOGS. 495 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,535 (barking and snarling) 496 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,707 (TV playing indistinctly) (growls and barks) 497 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,806 I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S MY FAULT THAT 498 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:05,818 THAT DOG TURNED OUT TO HAVE HEREDITARY INSANITY. 499 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,252 THE DOG'S NOT THE ONLY ONE. 500 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,657 YOU NEED TO PULL IT BACK. YOU KNOW? 501 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,719 YOU NEED TO ACT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING. 502 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:16,928 I WANT THEM TO WATCH. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ABOUT ME. 503 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,773 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY Y DON'T WANNA WATCH. 504 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:23,469 I'M SO DELIGHTFUL. 505 00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,943 YOU ARE. IT'S JUST... 506 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,112 I'M SCARED NATALIE WILL TURN OUT LIKE ME, OKAY? 507 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,911 I MEAN, I'M A DIVORCED WOMAN 508 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,352 LIVING WITH HER PARENTS. 509 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,079 THERE ARE SO MANY CHOICES I MAKE EVERY DAY 510 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,154 THAT COULD SCREW NATALIE UP, 511 00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,624 AND I WON'T KNOW WHICH ONE WAS BAD 512 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,451 UNTIL SHE'S GROWN UP AND MAD AT ME. 513 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,657 NOT EVEN THEN. 514 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,159 PFFT. 515 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,161 LOOK, YOU ARE... FANTASTIC. 516 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,664 I MEAN, YOU ARE THIS GREAT MOM. 517 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,026 YOU'RE VERY THIN. 518 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,503 (laughs) 519 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,532 AND EVEN THOUGH I HAD YOU WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG, 520 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,337 YOU'RE STILL THE BEST THING I EVER DID. 521 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:03,611 AND I ONCE HAD SEX WITH A CHICAGO BULL. 522 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,683 I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHICH ONE BECAUSE... 523 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:08,282 I DON'T REMEMBER, BUT IT WAS A GOOD ONE. 524 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:12,485 (laughs) 525 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,489 YEAH, HERE IT IS. 526 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,791 I'M SO SORRY TO DRAG YOU INTO THIS. 527 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,293 NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT. 528 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,855 (laughs) 529 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,532 I AM GLAD THAT I COULD BE THERE FOR YOU. 530 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,662 HEY, ROCK STAR. YEAH. 531 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,026 COME ON. WHAT'S YOUR CODE? 532 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,634 UH... IT'S MY SOBRIETY DATE, WHICH... 533 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,537 (grunts and coughs) (scoffs) 534 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:32,169 HERE. HOLD HIM. 535 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,705 IF ONLY WE COULD FIND A WAY OF BREAKING THAT GLASS. 536 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,740 (grunts) LIFE HAMMER. 537 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,535 OH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T BREAK IT. DON'T BREAK-- 538 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,977 (glass shatters, alarm wailing) OH. 539 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,811 OKAY, WE GOTTA GO, WE GOTTA GO. WE GOTTA GO. 540 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,317 WHAT DO WE DO WITH HIM? 541 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,679 LEAVE HIM. LEAVE HIM. PUT HIM AGAINST THE WALL. 542 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,416 PUT HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL. HERE WE GO. 543 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,552 OKAY. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 544 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,746 YOU GONNA KISS HIM GOOD NIGHT? 545 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,257 (laughs) 546 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,319 SO I'VE TAKEN MY FIRST STEP FORWARD, 547 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,488 AND IT WASN'T AS FRIGHTENING AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. 548 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,056 AND I'D LIKE TO THANK MY INSANE FAMILY 549 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,595 FOR HELPING ME THROUGH IT. 550 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,401 (bottles clink) I'D LIKE TO THANK MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN 551 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,443 FOR HAVING A GOOD HEART, 552 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:06,409 WHICH ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HIM HAVING EXTREMELY BAD CREDIT. 553 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:09,039 I'D LIKE TO THANK MY STEPFATHER MAX. 554 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,505 I WASN'T HAPPY WHEN HE SHOWED UP IN MY LIFE, 555 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,913 BUT I'M HAPPY HE STAYED... 556 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,205 OR AT LEAST... MOST OF HIM STAYED. 557 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:16,878 (Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros) * HOLY MOLY 558 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,686 * ME, OH, MY, YOU'RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE * 559 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,519 I'D LIKE TO THANK MY DAUGHTER FOR MAKING ME BRAVE. 560 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,355 I SWEAR SHE SAID SHE WAS AFRAID OF DOGS. 561 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,791 NOW SHE'S JUST MAKING ME LOOK BAD. 562 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,526 * TO NOTHINGNESS 563 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,461 * THERE AIN'T NOTHING THAT I... * 564 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,027 I'D LIKE TO THANK MY BED. 565 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,934 YEAH, IT WAS ME WHO WAS AFRAID TO SLEEP ALONE, 566 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,796 BUT YOU PROBABLY FIGURED THAT OUT ALREADY. 567 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,136 (switch clicks) 568 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,410 * JEEZ, YOU'RE SOMETHING TO SEE * 569 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,440 * UH-HUH 570 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:46,575 LASTLY, I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MOM FOR BEING A ROMANTIC 571 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:52,253 AND A DREAMER AND APPARENTLY A CHICAGO BULLS FAN. 572 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,615 IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID? 573 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,463 IT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT. 574 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,058 * WITH YOU (door closes) 575 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,660 (Max grunts) 576 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,092 (strained voice) DO IT. 577 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:03,658 (panting) 578 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,496 GROSS! 579 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:10,103 (moans) 580 00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,136 HEY, POLLY. 581 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,241 20 MINUTES, MAX. I PROMISE. 582 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,083 (exhaling) 583 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,408 I WONDER IF THEY HAVE Wi-Fi AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER. 584 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,905 UGH. 585 00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:23,116 * COMING HOME 42470

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