Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,743
(brakes squeal)
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,711
(woman) ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO,
3
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,179
MY DAUGHTER NATALIE AND I
SHOWED UP AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,180
AH, THERAPEUTIC DOUGHNUTS.
5
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:16,015
(toy squeaks)
6
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:19,320
(doorbell rings)
7
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,423
WHY ARE WE HERE?
8
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,394
ON... EARTH?
9
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,364
NO,
AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S.
10
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,833
WE ARE HERE BECAUSE
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
11
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,232
ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD,
12
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:34,065
AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT
TO EXPECT FROM THEM,
13
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:37,372
AND THAT IS... FUN.
14
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,535
RIGHT?
15
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,082
(sighs)
16
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,246
HI, GRANDMA!
17
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,908
MOMMY, MAX...
18
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:50,517
HOPE THIS ISN'T A BAD TIME
FOR YOU, 'CAUSE IT IS FOR ME.
19
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,751
MY STEPFATHER MAX IS
A SUCCESSFUL NIGHTCLUB OWNER
20
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,686
WITH AN AVERSION
TO TRADITIONAL WORKOUT CLOTHES.
21
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,793
(panting)
DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE
HE'S FLEEING A CRIME SCENE?
22
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,556
(siren whoops)
23
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,534
- MAYBE COME BACK IN AN HOUR?
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
24
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,134
I LEFT JULIAN.
25
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,436
I CAN'T TAKE
HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE.
26
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,938
I MEAN, HE USED OUR RENT MONEY
TO ADOPT A HIGHWAY.
27
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,870
LITTLE KNOWN FACT, IF YOU
NEGLECT YOUR ADOPTED HIGHWAY,
28
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,435
THEY COME AFTER YOU.
29
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,984
I'M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT?
30
00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,938
I MEAN, PLEASE TELL ME
I'M THE NORMAL ONE.
31
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,607
IN THIS HOUSE, YOU ARE.
32
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,447
(exhales)
33
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,492
WHICH IS WHY I'VE COME HOME.
34
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:25,918
IT'S ABOUT SIX MONTHS LATER,
35
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,063
AND I STILL LIVE
WITH MY PARENTS.
36
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,088
I'M NOT A FAILURE.
I'M... TRENDY.
37
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,264
(telephone beeps)
EXCELLENT NEWS.
38
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,833
(singsongy) MAX'S FRIEND KENNY
WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT.
(cork pops)
39
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,132
KENNY'S 60.
40
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:38,334
SO? 60 IS THE NEW 30.
41
00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,126
UH, 60 IS DOUBLE 30.
42
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,068
WELL, I'M NOT A MATHEMATICIAN.
I'M A ROMANTIC.
43
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,313
(singsongy) AND KENNY IS
A VERY TENDER LOVER.
44
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,440
MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE
OF CENSORING HERSELF.
45
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,276
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY THIS,
BUT...
46
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,111
MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP.
47
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,846
BUT JELLY TASTES SO GOOD
ON A (bleep).
48
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,152
ISN'T SHE FABULOUS?
49
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,594
(laughs)
50
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,418
THANKS.
YOU JUST RUINED KENNY.
51
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,124
LOOK, IT MAY BE
AN UNREALISTIC GOAL,
52
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,456
BUT I AM DETERMINED TO BE
THE BEST SINGLE WORKING MOM
53
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,132
IN THE UNIVERSE.
54
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,260
BESIDES, NATALIE WOULD FREAK
IF I WENT ON A D-A-T-E.
55
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,998
(whispers) THAT SPELLS "DATE."
56
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:14,302
MM.
OH, GOOD JOB. YOU TOTALLY
GOT THE POINT OF THAT.
57
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,205
OKAY, THE SCULPTURE WE BOUGHT
IN NEW MEXICO FINALLY CAME.
58
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,508
(Polly) YAY!
(claps)
59
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,009
YAY, GRANDPA!
WHAT'S A SCULPTURE?
60
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,841
I JUST DON'T WANT
NATALIE EXPOSED
61
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,776
TO THE SAME THINGS I WAS.
NO OFFENSE.
62
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,512
WELL, I'M NOT OFFENDED
63
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,777
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
64
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,175
(chuckles)
65
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:32,717
WHAT? YOU HAD
A PERFECTLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD.
66
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:33,653
MM-HMM.
67
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:34,957
(singsongy) HONEY!
68
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,288
WE'RE GOING OUT TO SEE MARTY.
69
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,885
NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT,
HONEY.
70
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,396
I SAID WE'RE GOING
TO A KEY PARTY.
(gasps)
71
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,899
YEAH, SO IT WAS NORMAL FOR ME
TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ORGY.
72
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,201
OH, ORGY. PLEASE. IT WAS
SOME HALF-HEARTED GROPING,
73
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,304
AND THEN WE ATE
A WHEEL OF BRIE.
74
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,996
I LOVE
OUR MOTHER/DAUGHTER TALKS.
75
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,907
I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE
TALKING ABOUT SEX.
76
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,839
I MEAN,
MAYBE IT'S GENERATIONAL,
77
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,544
BUTAM VERY PROUD
OF MY ORGASM.
78
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,206
WELL, YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL.
YOU SHOULD BE ON A STAMP.
79
00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:59,676
(crunches)
80
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,253
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
AFTER YOUR DIVORCE,
81
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,022
YOU SLEPT WITH EVERY GUY
IN YOUR IMPROV CLASS--
82
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,750
AND KAREN.
83
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,645
AND KAREN--DOESN'T MEAN THAT
I'M GONNA DO THE SAME,
84
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,257
BECAUSE I AM
A RESPONSIBLE MOTHER
85
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,319
WHO PUTS HER DAUGHTER FIRST,
86
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,358
AND THAT MEANS SETTING HEALTHY,
NORMAL... HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
87
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:17,504
YEP, IT'S A PUPPY FOR DADDY,
HUH? LOOK AT THIS.
88
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,831
THAT DOG'S SCARY!
89
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,996
OH, THAT'S NOT SCARY.
THIS IS SCARY.
90
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,495
(imitates dog growling)
(Natalie screams)
91
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,037
SHE'S AFRAID OF DOGS,
AND THAT IS OKAY.
92
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,383
THAT'S NOT A DOG.
THAT'S A SCULPTURE.
93
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,939
I'M AFRAID OF SCULPTURES.
SHE'S AFRAID OF SCULPTURES.
94
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,908
NATALIE, IT'S FAKE.
SEE? WATCH. YOU CAN KICK IT.
95
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,217
(thud)
OW!
96
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,719
(bleep)
97
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,450
(Patrick & Eugene)
* IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW
98
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,846
* IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW
(laughs)
99
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,518
* IT'S YOU AND ME,
AND HIM AND HER *
100
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,126
* WE'LL GET
THROUGH SOMEHOW *
101
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,528
* IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW
102
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,730
WE'RE GOING OUT.
103
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,361
YEAH. YOU TWO LOOK SNUG.
104
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,767
WHEN NATALIE IS NOT AFRAID
TO SLEEP ON HER OWN,
105
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,769
I WILL USE MY BED.
106
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,071
IT'S CALLED
ATTACHMENT PARENTING.
107
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,643
YEAH. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
NICE.
108
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,271
LOVE YOU!
BYE.
109
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:01,807
(sighs)
110
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:06,152
LAMBY, THIS FEELS HEALTHY,
RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
111
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,119
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
112
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,764
(doorbell rings)
113
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,329
MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN
ALWAYS MEANS WELL.
114
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,088
HE JUST DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING WELL.
115
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,057
GUESS WHAT I GOT.
116
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,304
A JOB.
117
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,260
(scoffs) A LIFE HAMMER,
FINALLY.
118
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,798
BREAKS MY CAR WINDOW IN CASE
119
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,273
I GET TRAPPED IN MY CAR
UNDERWATER.
120
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,001
HOW CAN WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN?
121
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,966
MM.
SERIOUSLY,
I WANNA RUN A TEST.
122
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,644
WILL YOU TIME ME?
123
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,073
TAKES ABOUT 90 SECONDS
FOR A CAR TO FILL WITH WATER,
124
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,177
ACCORDING TO
HorribleWaysToDie.com.
125
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,649
MAYBE LATER.
126
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,748
JULIAN LOVES MY FAMILY.
OKAY.
127
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,080
LATER COULD BE TOO LATE.
128
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,315
(door closes)
AND KEEPS FINDING REASONS
TO SHOW UP,
129
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,292
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
MAX TURNS THE HOSE ON HIM.
HI, GUYS.
130
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,660
HI!
HELLO.
131
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:49,659
DO YOU GUYS HAVE A BRICK?
132
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,160
GOLD BRICK?
133
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,331
BRICK OF HEROIN. BRICK FROM
"CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."
134
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,531
(claps)
135
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:57,132
NO, J-JUST LIKE A BRICK.
REGULAR BRICK.
136
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,204
YEAH, SOMETHING TO PUT
BEHIND MY TIRE
137
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,801
'CAUSE MY BRAKES ARE SHOT.
138
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,703
THERE'S BRICKS
OUT BY THE TOOLSHED.
139
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,865
THANKS, DAD.
140
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,942
OH. I'LL JUST BE
A FEW MORE DAYS
141
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,884
UNTIL I'M ABLE TO GET
POLLY'S PHONE WINNECTED.
142
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:09,939
WHAT'S THAT?
143
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,977
(scoffs) WIRELESSLY CONNECTED.
144
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,282
COME ON, BUD.
145
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:19,015
OKAY, HE'S USING ALL
THAT PHONE INSTALLING CRAP
146
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,722
AS AN EXCUSE TO BE HERE
SO HE CAN
147
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,664
WORM HIS WAY
BACK INTO OUR FAMILY.
148
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,030
HE AND POLLY ARE DIVORCED.
149
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,788
WHY DOESN'T HE JUST SLEEP
WITH ONE OF OUR FRIENDS
150
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,027
AND INVEST IN A TEQUILA BUSINESS
LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?
151
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:32,232
OOH. TEQUILA. GOOD IDEA.
152
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,465
AND HE'S STEALING
MY CREAM SODA.
153
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,572
THERE'S ONE LESS THAN YESTERDAY.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
154
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,865
OH, OKAY. HONEY,
GO EASY ON THAT.
155
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:42,137
LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN,
THIS IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
156
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,035
WE GOTTA KEEP AN EYE ON HIM,
AND WE GOTTA CATCH HIM
157
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:47,207
IN THE ACT, AND WHEN WE DO,
BOOM!
158
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,547
I'M NOT SURE WHAT COMES
AFTER THE "BOOM,"
159
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,582
BUT SOMETHING GOOD.
160
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,718
SEE, YOU'RE JUST
OVERLY SENSITIVE
161
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,663
ABOUT PEOPLE TAKING YOUR THINGS
BECAUSE OF THE...
162
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,489
(whispers)
TESTICULAR CANCER.
163
00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,155
YOU LET THEM TAKE MY BALL.
(monitor beeping steadily)
164
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,902
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD ME,
LIKE A SENTRY.
165
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:05,930
(gasps) OH, I THINK
IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER
166
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,196
WITH JUST THE ONE.
167
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,244
IT'S MORE DISTINCTIVE.
168
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,269
(both laugh)
(monitor beeping rapidly)
169
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,605
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
LET ME MISS MY BALL.
170
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:19,183
NOW--NOW HE'S IN THE POOL.
I JUST CLEANED IT.
171
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,082
I'VE MADE QUITE A NAME
FOR MYSELF
172
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:24,754
BEHIND THE SMOOTHIE COUNTER
AT FRESH SIDE MARKET & CAFE,
173
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,085
MOSTLY BECAUSE I'VE NAMED
ALL THE SMOOTHIES AFTER ME.
174
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,220
(whirring loudly)
175
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,285
POLLY.
176
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:33,733
(loudly)
NO CAN HEAR YOU, GREGGIE!
177
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,861
(whirring stops)
I AM ON TO YOU
WITH THE BLENDER.
178
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,026
I KNOW THAT
YOU'RE BRINGING IN BUSINESS.
179
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,865
THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CAN
USE THIS BLENDER TO IGNORE ME.
180
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,301
(whirring resumes)
181
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,765
(whirring stops)
SORRY. I'M JUST MESSING. GO.
182
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,365
OKAY, WELL, I WANTED
TO COME OVER HERE BECAUSE--
183
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,936
(whirring resumes)
184
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,405
(whirring stops)
OKAY. WHAT?
185
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,283
ARE YOU GONNA?
186
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,611
NO.
187
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,106
YOU'RE MY BOSS.
188
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,377
THAT WOULD BE
VERY DISRESPECTFUL.
189
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,745
OKAY--
190
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,145
(whirring resumes)
191
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,486
(whirring stops)
192
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,561
HE IS TRYING TO TELL YOU
193
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,790
THAT THE GUY WHO COMES IN HERE
ALL THE TIME
194
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,725
SAID HE WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT.
195
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,100
JEWISH SUPERMAN?
196
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,998
(both) JEWISH SUPERMAN.
197
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,770
LOOK AT HIM PRETENDING
TO LOOK AT THE CHEESES.
198
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,300
THAT MAN HAS THE BODY FAT
OF HILARY SWANK.
199
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,295
HE'S NEVER TASTED CHEESE.
200
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:20,837
GET OVER THERE BEFORE
JEWISH SUPERMAN FLIES AWAY.
201
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,984
UH, COVER ME.
202
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,650
I'M GOING IN.
203
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,678
SO... THURSDAY NIGHT.
204
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,124
I'LL PICK YOU UP.
205
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,248
GREAT. I WILL BE PICKED UP
BY YOU.
206
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,453
GREAT.
207
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,491
(shaky voice) UH...
208
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,093
GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT,
GUESS WHAT?
209
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,194
I HAVE A DATE.
210
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,825
(squeals)
211
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,360
I'M BACK IN THE GAME, LADIES.
NOT A LADY.
212
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:45,195
WELL, I HOPE THAT I'M THIS CUTE
WHEN I'M OLD.
WHAT?
213
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:48,842
I MEAN, "HEY, GIRL.
(singsongy) HEY."
214
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:52,039
AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO ME,
WHERE I WAS STANDING,
215
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:55,512
AND THE FACT THAT YOU KINDA
SEE ME AS AN ASEXUAL BLUR.
216
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:56,943
EVERYBODY WINS. OKAY.
217
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,707
NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIND
A BABYSITTER
218
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,606
WHO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY BECAUSE
I MAKE SMOOTHIES FOR A LIVING.
219
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:03,118
WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?
(exhales) A WHOLE NIGHT?
220
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,690
NO, THEY'VE NEVER DONE
A WHOLE NIGHT.
221
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,548
THEY DID DO
A LONG TELEPHONE CALL ONCE.
222
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,517
I DID GO OUT TO GET
THE PAPER.
223
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,116
BESIDES, NATALIE'S AFRAID
OF ME DATING,
224
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,857
AND MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE
OF CENSORING HERSELF.
225
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,862
ON TOP OF THAT,
I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IMPLIED
226
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,055
THAT SHE WAS AN UBER SLUT
227
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,566
AND THAT I WOULD NEVER
BE LIKE HER.
228
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,228
AND IF I TELL HER
THAT I'M GOING ON A DATE
229
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,866
WITH A GUY I JUST PICKED UP
IN A GROCERY STORE,
230
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,371
I'LL LOOK LIKE
A TOTAL HYPOCRITE.
231
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,142
SO THEN LIE TO HER,
YOU KNOW?
232
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:27,241
TELL HER THAT YOUR FIRM
BUT UNDERSTANDING BOSS
233
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,644
IS MAKING YOU GO
TO A WORK-RELATED PARTY.
234
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,977
YOUR MOM IS HALF LOOPED
MOST OF THE TIME.
235
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,412
I'M SURE SHE'LL BUY THAT.
YEAH. I MEAN,
WHAT'S THE POINT
236
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,717
OF LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS
237
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,749
IF YOU CAN'T USE THEM
FOR UNPAID HELP?
238
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,685
SINCE DATES FOR SINGLE MOMS
239
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,320
WHO LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS
ARE NONEXISTENT, I WENT FOR IT.
240
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,085
SO... I NEED TO GO OUT THURSDAY.
THIS THURSDAY.
241
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,996
GOING SOMEPLACE FUN?
(gasps)
242
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,828
(whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA.
243
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,603
NO. UGH. IT'S WORK. I MEAN,
IT'S A WORK-RELATED PARTY,
244
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,573
SO I'LL BE DRESSED UP
AS IF IT'S FUN,
245
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,742
BUT IN REALITY,
IT'S LIKE UGH. BLECH.
246
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:56,739
(singsongy) COULD BE FUN.
247
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,440
(whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA.
248
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:01,841
NO. NO. NO FUN.
NOT EVEN ONE "CHA."
249
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,005
GREGG INSISTS I GO.
ARGH, THE OGRE.
250
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,854
THE POINT IS, I'LL BE OUT,
LIKE, THE WHOLE NIGHT.
251
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,950
CAN YOU BABYSIT?
252
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,752
OF COURSE WE CAN.
WE'RE SEEING
"LOVE, LOSS, AND WHAT I WORE."
253
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,024
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO CANCEL.
IT'S GOT PATTY LuPONE.
254
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,463
SHE'S OUR GRANDDAUGHTER.
WE CAN SELL THE TICKETS.
255
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,289
IS... THAT A "YES"?
256
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,585
YES.
I JUST SAID "YES."
257
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,027
HE JUST SAID "YES."
258
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,901
YAY!
259
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,530
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE
GREAT BABYSITTERS.
260
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,474
YOU KNOW,
IN THE "NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL,
261
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,440
NO PEOPLE COMING OVER"
KINDA WAY.
262
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,910
NO MARTY, NO KENNY.
263
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,010
HMM.
264
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,284
OKAY, HERE'S A LIST
265
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,775
OF NATALIE'S
FAVORITE TV SHOWS,
266
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,087
AND I MADE HER DINNER,
SO JUST NEEDS TO BE HEATED UP.
267
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,319
WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER?
268
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,764
(laughs)
269
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,419
I'M JOKING.
270
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,457
(gasps) MAX, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
WHEN I'M JOKING.
271
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,592
NEITHER DO I.
272
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:54,897
OKAY, SO SHE GETS HER BATH
AT 7:00,
273
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,098
AND THEN SHE HAS TO BE IN BED
BY 8:00,
274
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,399
AND WHEN I SAY 8:00,
I MEAN 8:00,
275
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,100
AND WHEN I SAY BED,
276
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,932
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO JUST STAY
WITH HER UNTIL SHE FALLS ASLEEP.
277
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,098
BLECH.
THIS IS ENDLESS.
278
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,495
OKAY, HERE ARE
ALL THE MEDICINES,
279
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,106
BUT JUST IN CASE, OKAY?
280
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,868
CALL ME FIRST.
DON'T OVERMEDICATE.
YEAH.
281
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,936
(pills rattle)
282
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,148
OH, NOW THESE DON'T LOOK
LIKE ANY FUN AT ALL.
283
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,450
WELL, THAT ONE DOES.
IT'S BLUE.
284
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,752
HERE'S THE NUMBER
OF THE PEDIATRICIAN.
MM-HMM.
285
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,815
AND, UM, I'M SURE YOU WON'T
NEED IT. HERE'S MY CELL NUMBER.
286
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,964
WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE, IDIOTS?
WE HAVE YOUR CELL NUMBER.
287
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,020
OF COURSE.
(rips paper off pad)
288
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,327
GIVE IT TO ME.
OKAY.
289
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:30,329
WHEN YOU SAY "BATH AT 7:00,"
DO I JUST CHECK THE TIME...
290
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,873
OKAY. (laughs) I ADMIT IT.
THE JOKING'S FUNNY.
291
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,500
MM-HMM.
292
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,474
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SERIOUS.
WAIT. DIDN'T YOU...
293
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,643
EVER GIVE ME A BATH?
294
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,312
WELL, I WORK NIGHTS. I...
295
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,480
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU KNOW?
296
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,609
I REALLY FEEL LIKE ONE OF US
SHOULD REMEMBER THAT.
297
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,184
ONE NIGHT. NO BATH.
IT'S FINE.
298
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,053
WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
299
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,121
PUTTING THE SCARY THING
AWAY.
300
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,350
OH. SO THAT'S HOW WE DEAL WITH
THINGS WE'RE AFRAID OF, HUH?
301
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,315
SEE, THIS IS WHY WE DON'T WIN
WARS ANYMORE.
302
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,494
YOUR GENERATION DIDN'T WIN
ANY WARS.
303
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,392
HEY, THOSE BASTARDS
HAD A HEIGHT CUTOFF.
304
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,964
I WAS READY TO GO.
305
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,392
AND WATCH THE LANGUAGE
AND THE CONVERSATION TOPICS.
306
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,828
NOTHING BELOW THE WAIST.
307
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:03,903
WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK
TO HER ABOUT?
308
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,871
I MEAN, KIDS ARE BORING.
309
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:08,869
THAT'S TRUE.
I MEAN,
WE'RE THE FASCINATING ONES.
310
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,714
OKAY, SWEETIE, I'M JUST WRITING
DOWN MY CELL NUMBER. SEE?
311
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,541
AND YOUR DAD'S.
312
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,705
AND LOOK, YOU DON'T NEED TO, UH,
TELL GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
313
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:21,175
THAT I'M DOING THIS, BUT IF
YOU EVER FEEL SCARED IN ANY WAY,
314
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,384
YOU JUST CALL ME, OKAY?
315
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,975
WHY WOULD I BE SCARED?
316
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,587
OH, YOU KNOW,
IF YOUR GRANDPARENTS
317
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:28,088
PULL OUT A WHEEL OF BRIE,
JUST CALL ME... IMMEDIATELY.
318
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,061
I GOTTA GO. (kisses)
319
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,590
(whispers) BYE.
320
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,964
(under breath)
AND MOMMY'S A BIG SLUT.
321
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,774
WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT?
322
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,770
OH, SHE IS ON A DATE.
SHE'S ON A DATE!
SHE'S ON A DATE!
323
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,273
(Max laughs)
324
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,214
CHA-CHA-CHA.
325
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,210
(hip-hop dance music playing)
326
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,753
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
327
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,879
YES. OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.
328
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,884
I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T HEAR
ANY NEWS REPORTS
329
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,947
INVOLVING SMALL CHILDREN
AND OLDER CRAZY PEOPLE?
330
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,046
BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST THEM--
331
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:02,588
I MEAN, I DON'T TRUST
THE... RECEPTION IN HERE.
332
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,192
IT IS WAY TOO DARK.
333
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,194
OKAY.
334
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,256
I'M SORRY. I'M SO... (laughs)
I JUST...
335
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,256
YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? I MEAN,
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DATE NEEDS?
336
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,268
COCKTAILS. WAITER?
337
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,100
UH, I-I-I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS TENSE,
338
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,965
SO... I TOOK A DAZEDAN.
339
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,905
**
340
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,280
IT'S FINE. THOSE GO GREAT
WITH COCKTAILS.
341
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:26,279
MY MOM CALLS THEM
DAZEDAN-TINIS.
342
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,953
GIVE ME MY CROWN BACK,
PRINCESS.
343
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,421
OH! WELL, IF WE'RE BEST FRIENDS
AND PRINCESSES,
344
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,890
WHY DO WE FIGHT
ALL THE TIME?
345
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,289
(laughs)
346
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,460
I'M A MERMAID.
347
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,828
OKAY, WE'RE MERMAIDS NOW.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE PLOT.
348
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,488
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT POLLY
DIDN'T WANT US OR...
349
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,927
(mumbles)
350
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,562
TO KNOW ABOUT HER...
(whispers) D-A-T-E?
351
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,066
OH, WHO CARES?
352
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:48,238
AS LONG AS SHE MOVES ON
FROM J-U-L-I-A-N
353
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,238
AND I GET MY SODA BACK.
354
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:55,610
THEY'RE SO ENMESHED. THEY SHOULD
VISIT A T-H-E-R-A-P-I-S-T.
355
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,612
VISIT "THE RAPIST"?
356
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,154
(exhales)
357
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,479
THERAPIST.
358
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,983
OH, I'M NOT A SPELLER.
I'M A DREAMER.
359
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,987
IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE WE
KILLING IT WITH THIS BATHTUB?
360
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,089
OH, WE ARE. (singsongy)
BEST GRANDPARENTS EVER.
361
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,421
(normal voice)
COME ON. BOOM.
362
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,257
SHE DIDN'T TRUST US
TO BABYSIT.
363
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,862
(laughs)
364
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,795
YOU'VE GOT SOME GREAT MOVES!
365
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,500
WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THEN
366
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,201
WAS THAT LUKE CAN'T HOLD
HIS DAZEDAN-TINIS
367
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,773
AS WELL AS MY MOM CAN.
368
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,771
(woman)
* O-O-ON THE FLOOR, DANCE
369
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,114
AAH! BAD! BAD DOGGY
SCARED ME!
370
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,011
NO, IT DIDN'T.
371
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,713
NATALIE, HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY
BEEN WITH A REAL DOG?
372
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:39,016
ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I'M THINKING?
373
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,492
I NEVER KNOW HOW
TO ANSWER THAT.
374
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,989
(barking)
(Elaine) HI, BABY.
375
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,694
I'M SCARED.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
376
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,296
YES, I AM, YOU DOODYHEAD.
377
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,129
I'VE ASKED YOU
NOT TO CALL ME THAT.
378
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,025
I WANNA CALL MY MOMMY.
379
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,967
OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T,
'CAUSE YOUR MOM IS ON A DATE.
380
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,003
UH, ELAINE.
381
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,367
I MEAN A D-A-T-E.
382
00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:00,706
MOMMY'S ON A DATE?
383
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,210
SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING
TO A WORK PARTY.
384
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,213
YEAH, WELL, SHE JUST
DOESN'T WANT YOU TO WORRY
385
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,375
ABOUT GETTING A NEW DADDY.
(clenching teeth)
ELAINE! ELAINE!
386
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,984
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER
THERE'S NO SANTA?
THERE'S NO SANTA?!
387
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,547
WE ARE BLOWING THIS!
388
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,254
LOOK, LOOK...
LOOK AT THE ADORABLE LITTLE...
389
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:16,016
LOOK, NATALIE, SEE? (baby voice)
LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PUPPY.
390
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,256
HELLO. WHO'S THE GOOD FELLA?
WHO IS THE GOOD FELLA, HUH?
391
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,361
(barking)
AAH! (bleep)
392
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,233
CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY!
CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY!
IT'S A DOG.
393
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,902
CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY!
CALL MOMMY!
394
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,602
(dogs barking)
WE NEED A VERY CUTE PUPPY,
395
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,373
AND WE NEED IT NOW.
396
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,441
WHO RUNS THIS JOINT?
397
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,742
SOMEBODY IS GONNA
DRIVE YOU HOME.
OH, CRAP.
398
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,007
IT'S MY EX-HUSBAND.
399
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,076
STAY HERE.
400
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,353
OKAY.
STAY.
401
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,682
OH, I AM SO WASTED.
402
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:48,256
HEY! HI!
WHY ARE... YOU HERE?
403
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,288
NATALIE CALLED.
WOW, YOU LOOK HOT.
404
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,693
NATALIE CALLED?
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING ABOUT A DOG.
405
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,885
MAX'S DAMN DOG SCULPTURE.
THAT'S IT.
406
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,528
I AM TAKING THE OTHER BALL.
407
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,634
HOW YOU DOING?
TOO MUCH CHARDONNAY?
408
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,426
SWEETIE, ARE YOU OKAY?
409
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,598
HI, MOMMY.
HI.
410
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,036
LOOK, MOMMY HAS A BOYFRIEND.
411
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,442
(falsetto voice)
OH, A BOYFRIEND.
412
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:07,543
LUKE.
413
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,384
WHO TOLD HER
ABOUT THE DATE?
414
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,409
SHE DID.
I HAD NO IDEA.
415
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:11,643
WELL...
NO, YOU DID.
416
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,208
THE WHEELS JUST CAME
OFF THE EVENING.
417
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,316
WHO'S TO SAY
WHO SAID WHAT?
418
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,448
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD HER
I WAS GETTING A BOYFRIEND.
419
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,394
I DIDN'T.
YEAH.
420
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,319
I DIDN'T. I JUST SAID
THAT IF YOU DID...
OH, SHE DID.
421
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,964
IT COULD BE INCREDIBLE.
SHE WOULD BE...
(speaks indistinctly)
422
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,390
I MEAN, HOW IS SHIELDING HER
FROM THE INEVITABLE
423
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,834
A GOOD THING?
YEAH, THAT NEVER WORKS.
424
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,558
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU GUYS INSIST
425
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,234
ON CONFRONTING PEOPLE
WITH THINGS THEY'RE AFRAID OF.
426
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,402
WHAT DID WE DO THAT WAS...
427
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,930
LIKE DOGS?
428
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,965
(dog yapping)
RUN FOR SAFETY!
429
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,901
YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF DOGS!
430
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,466
WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?!
431
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,935
THAT'S IT, YOU GUYS! AAH!
432
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,014
(continues yapping)
433
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,342
POLLY,
IT'S JUST A PUPPY.
434
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,177
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE BIG
TO KILL!
435
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:48,583
HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN
A JOE PESCI MOVIE?!
436
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,175
(barking continues)
CAN YOU MAKE IT STOP THAT?
437
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,987
THIS IS A TERRIBLE VIOLATION
OF MY PARENTAL...
438
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,249
DADDY, YOUR CAR
IS DRIVING ITSELF!
439
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,157
WOW. THAT...
440
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,259
(Polly shouting indistinctly)
441
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,090
I FORGOT MY BRICK!
442
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,456
HE FORGOT HIS BRICK.
THAT'S MY BRICK.
443
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,834
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
(crash)
444
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,133
OY.
445
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,765
IS THE DOG GONE?
(barks)
446
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,299
(whines and barks)
447
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,465
OH!
(gasps)
448
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,473
THERE GOES USING THE TRUCK
AS COLLATERAL.
449
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,035
OH.
I THINK
I MAY NEED A DOCTOR.
450
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,675
OHH.
(thud)
451
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,509
DAD, WOULD I BE COVERED
UNDER YOUR INSURANCE?
452
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,845
LIKE MOST TERRIBLE DATES,
453
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,879
THIS ONE ENDED
WITH A FAMILY CARAVAN.
454
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,875
I THINK
IT'S TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE
455
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,117
TO USE A BRICK AS A BRAKE.
456
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,294
MM, ACTUALLY, I THINK TONIGHT
PROVES IT'S MORE IRRESPONSIBLE
457
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,063
NOT TO USE ONE, RIGHT?
(imitates crash)
458
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,963
COME ON, DAD.
DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE.
459
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,504
OKAY, I'M NOT YOUR DAD,
AND THIS MAY NOT BE MY PLACE,
460
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,730
JULIAN, BUT I THINK
IT'S UNHEALTHY
461
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,696
THAT YOU'RE AROUND POLLY
SO MUCH.
462
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,244
THERE. I SAID IT.
463
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,710
I'M HELPING HER SET UP
HER PHONE, WHICH TAKES TIME.
464
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,868
MM, DOES IT? OR ARE YOU
PURPOSEFULLY BREAKING IT
465
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,637
SO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE
TO COME OVER? AH.
466
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,206
WHAT?
467
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,884
NOT CONSCIOUSLY.
I DIDN'T SAY "CONSCIOUSLY."
468
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,223
IN--IN--IN, UH,
SUBCONSCIOUSLY.
469
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,519
LOOK, YOU'RE DIVORCED.
YOU GOTTA GET ON OUT THERE,
470
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:02,522
BANG A COLLEGE GIRL,
BANG A BUNCH OF 'EM.
471
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:03,715
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE
472
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,756
TO HAVE
TWO PERFECTLY WORKING BALLS?
473
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:07,993
DON'T SQUANDER 'EM.
474
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,727
I'M NOT SQUANDERING
MY BALLS.
475
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,032
OKAY, THEN WHY DON'T
YOU LET POLLY GO?
476
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,525
I NEED TO BE THERE
FOR HER AND NATALIE,
477
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,197
BECAUSE I WASN'T BEFORE,
OKAY?
478
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,737
NOW CAN YOU PLEASE
JUST GET OFF MY BACK?
479
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,071
I'M NOT ON YOUR BACK.
480
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,767
JUST TAKING CARE
OF MY FAMILY.
481
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,112
SO AM I.
482
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,050
SOMEBODY BETTER TAKE CARE OF ME,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA THROW UP AGAIN.
483
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,353
GO AHEAD AND VOMIT.
484
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,454
YEAH. IT'S YOUR CAR ANYWAY.
(chuckles)
485
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,456
WHAT AN EXCITING EVENING.
486
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,758
WE SHOULD DO MORE
FUN STUFF LIKE THIS.
487
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,360
FUN STUFF LIKE
YOU COMPLETELY DISREGARDING
488
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,392
ALL OF MY INSTRUCTIONS?
489
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,787
YES.
490
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,358
BUT I'M NOT JUDGING IT
LIKE YOU ARE. SEE?
491
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,227
(singsongy)
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
492
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,896
OH, THAT MUST BE
A NICE CHANGE OF PACE FOR YOU.
493
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,435
YOU ARE PROJECTING YOUR FEARS
ONTO...
494
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142
I HAVE A VERY VALID REASON
TO BE AFRAID OF DOGS.
495
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,535
(barking and snarling)
496
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,707
(TV playing indistinctly)
(growls and barks)
497
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,806
I DON'T SEE HOW
IT'S MY FAULT THAT
498
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:05,818
THAT DOG TURNED OUT TO HAVE
HEREDITARY INSANITY.
499
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,252
THE DOG'S
NOT THE ONLY ONE.
500
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,657
YOU NEED TO PULL IT BACK.
YOU KNOW?
501
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,719
YOU NEED TO ACT LIKE
OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
502
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:16,928
I WANT THEM TO WATCH.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ABOUT ME.
503
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,773
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY Y DON'T WANNA WATCH.
504
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:23,469
I'M SO DELIGHTFUL.
505
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,943
YOU ARE. IT'S JUST...
506
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,112
I'M SCARED NATALIE
WILL TURN OUT LIKE ME, OKAY?
507
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,911
I MEAN, I'M A DIVORCED WOMAN
508
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,352
LIVING WITH HER PARENTS.
509
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,079
THERE ARE SO MANY CHOICES
I MAKE EVERY DAY
510
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,154
THAT COULD SCREW NATALIE UP,
511
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,624
AND I WON'T KNOW WHICH ONE
WAS BAD
512
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,451
UNTIL SHE'S GROWN UP
AND MAD AT ME.
513
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,657
NOT EVEN THEN.
514
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,159
PFFT.
515
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,161
LOOK, YOU ARE... FANTASTIC.
516
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,664
I MEAN,
YOU ARE THIS GREAT MOM.
517
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,026
YOU'RE VERY THIN.
518
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,503
(laughs)
519
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,532
AND EVEN THOUGH I HAD YOU
WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG,
520
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,337
YOU'RE STILL THE BEST THING
I EVER DID.
521
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:03,611
AND I ONCE HAD SEX
WITH A CHICAGO BULL.
522
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,683
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
WHICH ONE BECAUSE...
523
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:08,282
I DON'T REMEMBER,
BUT IT WAS A GOOD ONE.
524
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:12,485
(laughs)
525
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,489
YEAH, HERE IT IS.
526
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,791
I'M SO SORRY
TO DRAG YOU INTO THIS.
527
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,293
NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT.
528
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,855
(laughs)
529
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,532
I AM GLAD THAT
I COULD BE THERE FOR YOU.
530
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,662
HEY, ROCK STAR.
YEAH.
531
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,026
COME ON.
WHAT'S YOUR CODE?
532
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,634
UH...
IT'S MY SOBRIETY DATE, WHICH...
533
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,537
(grunts and coughs)
(scoffs)
534
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:32,169
HERE. HOLD HIM.
535
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,705
IF ONLY WE COULD FIND A WAY
OF BREAKING THAT GLASS.
536
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,740
(grunts)
LIFE HAMMER.
537
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,535
OH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T BREAK IT. DON'T BREAK--
538
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,977
(glass shatters, alarm wailing)
OH.
539
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,811
OKAY, WE GOTTA GO, WE GOTTA GO.
WE GOTTA GO.
540
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,317
WHAT DO WE DO WITH HIM?
541
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,679
LEAVE HIM. LEAVE HIM.
PUT HIM AGAINST THE WALL.
542
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,416
PUT HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL.
HERE WE GO.
543
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,552
OKAY. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
544
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,746
YOU GONNA KISS HIM GOOD NIGHT?
545
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,257
(laughs)
546
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,319
SO I'VE TAKEN
MY FIRST STEP FORWARD,
547
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,488
AND IT WASN'T AS FRIGHTENING
AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
548
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,056
AND I'D LIKE TO THANK
MY INSANE FAMILY
549
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,595
FOR HELPING ME THROUGH IT.
550
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,401
(bottles clink)
I'D LIKE TO THANK
MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN
551
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,443
FOR HAVING A GOOD HEART,
552
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:06,409
WHICH ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HIM
HAVING EXTREMELY BAD CREDIT.
553
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:09,039
I'D LIKE TO THANK
MY STEPFATHER MAX.
554
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,505
I WASN'T HAPPY WHEN
HE SHOWED UP IN MY LIFE,
555
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,913
BUT I'M HAPPY HE STAYED...
556
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,205
OR AT LEAST... MOST OF HIM
STAYED.
557
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:16,878
(Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic
Zeros) * HOLY MOLY
558
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,686
* ME, OH, MY,
YOU'RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE *
559
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,519
I'D LIKE TO THANK MY DAUGHTER
FOR MAKING ME BRAVE.
560
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,355
I SWEAR SHE SAID
SHE WAS AFRAID OF DOGS.
561
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,791
NOW SHE'S JUST MAKING ME
LOOK BAD.
562
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,526
* TO NOTHINGNESS
563
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,461
* THERE AIN'T NOTHING
THAT I... *
564
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,027
I'D LIKE TO THANK MY BED.
565
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,934
YEAH, IT WAS ME WHO WAS AFRAID
TO SLEEP ALONE,
566
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,796
BUT YOU PROBABLY
FIGURED THAT OUT ALREADY.
567
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,136
(switch clicks)
568
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,410
* JEEZ,
YOU'RE SOMETHING TO SEE *
569
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,440
* UH-HUH
570
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:46,575
LASTLY, I'D LIKE TO THANK
MY MOM FOR BEING A ROMANTIC
571
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:52,253
AND A DREAMER AND APPARENTLY
A CHICAGO BULLS FAN.
572
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,615
IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID?
573
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,463
IT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT.
574
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,058
* WITH YOU
(door closes)
575
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,660
(Max grunts)
576
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,092
(strained voice) DO IT.
577
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:03,658
(panting)
578
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,496
GROSS!
579
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:10,103
(moans)
580
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,136
HEY, POLLY.
581
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,241
20 MINUTES, MAX.
I PROMISE.
582
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,083
(exhaling)
583
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,408
I WONDER IF THEY HAVE Wi-Fi
AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER.
584
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,905
UGH.
585
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:23,116
* COMING HOME
42470
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.