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1
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:40,287
You in the robes. Put down
the weapon of mass destruction
2
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,519
and get on the ground.
You're under arrest.
3
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,143
Put down your weapons now!
4
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:02,043
Why can't they ever do this
the easy way?
5
00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:13,654
World Police.
Get down on the ground!
6
00:03:23,302 --> 00:03:25,395
Hey, terrorist.
7
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:28,367
Terrorize this.
8
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,015
All right, let's make this interesting.
9
00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,579
You lose.
10
00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:17,252
- He's getting away with the WMD!
- I got him.
11
00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:30,429
Damn, I missed him.
12
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:33,195
Sarah, he's got the bomb.
You got a fix?
13
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:37,502
I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.
14
00:04:39,111 --> 00:04:40,703
Your plans are over.
15
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,756
- All right, Sarah.
- Yeah, all right, team!
16
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,724
Nothing to it.
17
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,090
All right.
18
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:05,431
Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.
Everything is bon.
19
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,367
We stopped the terrorists.
20
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:21,186
I was doing a lot of thinking
on the ride over here.
21
00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:23,012
Oh, yeah? About what?
22
00:05:23,422 --> 00:05:27,324
I was thinking that I want you
to marry me.
23
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,326
- Don't joke about that.
- Who's joking?
24
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,563
Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may
need to order up a wedding cake.
25
00:05:37,803 --> 00:05:41,398
- He finally popped the question?
- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.
26
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:46,203
And a damn fine cop. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.
27
00:05:46,445 --> 00:05:50,313
Oh, Carson. Carson...
28
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:54,085
Carson!
29
00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:01,089
No!
30
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,698
Carson.
31
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:12,598
- Feel so cold.
- You have to hang on, Carson.
32
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:17,001
Sorry, babe. Looks like this
was a one-way ticket.
33
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,801
No.
34
00:06:19,478 --> 00:06:22,208
Lisa, you have to live on.
35
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:26,350
Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.
36
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,884
You deserve...
37
00:06:32,858 --> 00:06:34,689
No!
38
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:37,090
No!
39
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,621
No!
40
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:06,083
Everyone has AIDS
41
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:08,260
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
42
00:07:08,894 --> 00:07:11,658
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
43
00:07:11,897 --> 00:07:14,957
Everyone has AIDS
44
00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:18,966
And so this is the end of our story
45
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:22,499
And everyone is dead from AIDS
46
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:25,404
It took from me my best friend
47
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,136
My only true pal
48
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,075
My only bright star
49
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:31,510
He died of AIDS
50
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,275
Well, I'm gonna march on Washington
51
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,751
Lead the fight
And charge the brigades
52
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:40,119
There's a hero inside of all of us
53
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:41,691
I'll make them see
Everyone has AIDS
54
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,254
- My father
- AIDS
55
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:45,760
- My sister
- AIDS
56
00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,762
My uncle and my cousin
And her best friend
57
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:52,199
The gays and the straights
And the whites and the spades
58
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:55,805
Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
59
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,806
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
- The pope has got it and so do you
60
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,370
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
61
00:08:02,581 --> 00:08:04,139
We're gonna break down
These barricades
62
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,841
Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
63
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,180
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
64
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,481
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
65
00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:23,297
- Great job, Gary.
- Thanks. You too, Steve.
66
00:08:23,502 --> 00:08:25,493
That was the greatest acting
I've ever seen.
67
00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:27,468
I just don't know how you do it, Gary.
68
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,573
How do you make yourself
so somber and emotional
69
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:31,140
to make everybody cry like that?
70
00:08:31,343 --> 00:08:37,179
It's not that hard, really. I just think
about the saddest moment in my life.
71
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:44,882
Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.
72
00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:54,525
Gary. Oh, no.
Help me! Help me!
73
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:58,670
Get off of me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
74
00:08:58,904 --> 00:09:03,204
Hello, young man. Congratulations
on a terrific performance.
75
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:06,605
Oh, thank you.
I don't believe we've met, Mr...?
76
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:10,913
The name is Spottswoode.
77
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:15,249
- Well, nice to meet you.
- And you are Gary Johnston.
78
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:18,753
All-American actor who graduated
Iowa University summa cum laude
79
00:09:19,024 --> 00:09:21,720
with a double major in theatre
and world languages.
80
00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:24,623
You've been at the top of every
acting class since you were a child.
81
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:28,061
Top-gun actor.
82
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,432
Hey, hold on a second,
are you from Hollywood?
83
00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:37,404
I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.
If you're interested, follow me this way.
84
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:59,094
Please, Gary, step into my car.
85
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,666
Oh, I get it.
86
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,735
I'm supposed to get in your car
and let you put your finger inside me.
87
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,133
Then if I go down on you,
I get a movie part.
88
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:12,276
No, I just want to show
you something.
89
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:14,103
- Yeah, I'll bet you do.
- Please, Gary,
90
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:15,507
I'm not from Hollywood.
91
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:19,775
I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is extremely valuable.
92
00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:33,962
- Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Yes, it is.
93
00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:36,327
Now, suck my cock.
94
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:39,069
Just kidding.
95
00:10:46,111 --> 00:10:48,773
All right, just what the hell
is this about?
96
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,677
I hate to break this to you, Gary,
97
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:54,478
but some people out there
want you dead.
98
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,420
- Dead?
- They're called terrorists, Gary.
99
00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:59,716
And they hate everything about you.
100
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:03,958
Why? What did I do to them?
I'm just a Broadway actor.
101
00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,721
It's not who you are, Gary,
it's what you stand for.
102
00:11:06,932 --> 00:11:08,797
And every single minute
of every single day,
103
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,026
the terrorists are planning
new ways to kill you
104
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:14,866
and everyone else
who lives in a free country.
105
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:19,736
The only thing standing
in their way is us.
106
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,242
You?
107
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:25,213
Baxter, I think we can
"valmorphanize" safely now.
108
00:11:57,816 --> 00:12:01,775
Okay, a limousine that can fly.
Now I have seen everything.
109
00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:05,252
Really? Have you seen a man
eat his own head?
110
00:12:05,457 --> 00:12:08,119
- No.
- So then you haven't seen everything.
111
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,261
And neither have we.
112
00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:12,362
Last week in Paris,
we caught four terrorists
113
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:14,896
with a weapon of mass destruction.
114
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:18,866
The terrorists are planning
something very big.
115
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,437
And just what does this have
to do with me?
116
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,870
Our only hope is to have somebody
act like a terrorist
117
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,806
who wants to help them
carry out the attack.
118
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:31,813
An actor convincing enough to make
the terrorists think he's one of them.
119
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:34,611
This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
120
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:38,415
That's all spying is: Acting.
And they say you're the best.
121
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:41,593
An actor with a double major
in theatre and world languages?
122
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:45,195
Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.
123
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,426
Look out!
124
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:22,634
Right this way,
you maverick renegade.
125
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:36,441
Welcome to Team Base.
126
00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:40,882
Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback
from the University of Nebraska.
127
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:42,644
He's a natural-born leader.
128
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,880
I've heard a lot about your acting,
Mr. Johnston.
129
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:48,856
- Hope it's as good as they say it is.
- And this is Sarah,
130
00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:51,495
the top empath from Berkeley's
School for the Clairvoyant
131
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,187
in San Francisco.
132
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:57,893
I sense that you're slightly
confused right now.
133
00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:02,264
That's supposed to be Carson's
replacement, a fucking actor?
134
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,102
Don't mind Chris.
He may be lacking courtesy,
135
00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:08,302
but he's the best martial-arts expert
Detroit has to offer.
136
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:12,382
That's right, actor.
Just stay the fuck away from me.
137
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:17,421
And finally, we have our
psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
138
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:19,386
Right here.
139
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:31,502
Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes
in how the terrorists think.
140
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:35,673
Usually a case of malignant narcissism
brought on during childhood.
141
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:38,240
We've been doing our best
to keep the world safe, Gary.
142
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:41,537
But now somebody has supplied
the terrorists with WMDs.
143
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:44,272
And intelligence tells us
they plan to use them.
144
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,508
Isn't that right,
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
145
00:14:46,718 --> 00:14:50,210
- That is affirmative.
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
146
00:14:50,422 --> 00:14:53,050
The most sophisticated computer
in the world.
147
00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:56,557
I've intercepted communications
that several terrorist groups
148
00:14:56,762 --> 00:15:00,220
are being organized for one
massive worldwide attack.
149
00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,297
From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Has gathered,
150
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,061
it would be 9/11 times 100.
151
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:09,396
9/11 times 100?
Jesus, that's...
152
00:15:09,641 --> 00:15:13,634
Yes, 91,100.
153
00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:17,940
Basically, all the worst parts
of the Bible.
154
00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:20,845
So now you see why we need you.
155
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:25,113
We will disguise you as a terrorist and
take you deep into the Middle East.
156
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:28,691
If your acting is successful, you'll be
able to get us the information we need
157
00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:31,124
to stop this whole thing
from happening.
158
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:34,060
Of course, if you're not interested...
159
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,291
...there's the door.
160
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,438
All right. Thanks.
161
00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:54,447
Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
162
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:58,089
Don't you understand?
Every country in the world is in danger.
163
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,918
How is it my responsibility
to do something?
164
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:05,324
Because like it or not, you're the one
with the power to do something.
165
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:11,667
I can't fight terrorists. I don't know
anything about guns or jets.
166
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:15,135
That doesn't matter.
If you wanna help people,
167
00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:19,674
all that matters, Gary,
is what you have here.
168
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:29,446
Just think about it, okay?
Here, take this.
169
00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:37,393
Baxter will take you wherever
you wanna go. Just remember:
170
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,622
Your freedom's at stake too.
171
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,835
What do you think Spottswoode
sees in him?
172
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:58,505
I don't know. But I think I see it too.
173
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,393
Hey, Baxter.
174
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:20,868
I wanna take a detour.
175
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,601
What would you do
176
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:28,542
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
177
00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:30,778
What would you do
178
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:35,214
If asked to make
The ultimate sacrifice?
179
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:38,753
Would you think about
All them people
180
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:42,723
Who gave up everything they had?
181
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:46,261
Would you think about
All them war vets
182
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:50,868
And would you start to feel bad?
183
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:55,568
Freedom isn't free
184
00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:59,540
It costs folks like you and me
185
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,906
And if we don't all chip in
186
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:06,778
We'll never pay that bill
187
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,888
Freedom isn't free
188
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:14,650
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
189
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:21,595
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five, who will?
190
00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:25,002
Buck o'five
191
00:18:25,203 --> 00:18:30,300
Freedom costs a buck o'five
192
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:12,040
Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says
the weapons of mass destruction
193
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:15,014
you requested are ready
for you to take.
194
00:19:15,253 --> 00:19:16,948
I am still in the process of recruiting
195
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:19,453
and training new terrorists
for the attack.
196
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,218
We take weapons later.
197
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,334
He asks what part of the deal
you did not understand.
198
00:19:32,537 --> 00:19:35,199
He says perhaps his translator
did not make it clear to you.
199
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:39,104
He says he should fire
his translator?
200
00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:45,948
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am?
201
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:49,119
I cannot berieve that I have
a Chechnyan standing here terring me
202
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:51,185
when he's gonna take a derivery.
203
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,015
Herro?
204
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,750
Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
205
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,156
Yes, perhaps you can.
206
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,661
Now, take your weapons
of mass destruction
207
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,892
and get the fuck out of here.
208
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,921
I had to come back.
209
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:27,215
- I know you did, son.
- I still say this is a fucking mistake.
210
00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:31,225
Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're
making him feel intimidated.
211
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,829
Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
212
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:35,431
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Tells us
the attack is imminent.
213
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:38,501
We need you to act like
a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.
214
00:20:38,703 --> 00:20:42,571
There's just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.
215
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:46,770
Leave that to us.
216
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:02,692
Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser "valmoriphication. "
217
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,828
Just try to be still.
218
00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,261
Amazing.
219
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:45,094
The valmoriphication
completely worked.
220
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:47,328
Sit up and take a look, Gary.
221
00:21:53,678 --> 00:21:55,145
It's uncanny.
222
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:58,642
You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
223
00:21:58,850 --> 00:21:59,874
Or should I say...
224
00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:02,349
...Hakmed.
225
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:06,483
All right, team, we've only got
one shot at this, so listen up.
226
00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:08,955
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Has intercepted communications
227
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,357
that terrorists from different countries
are gathering at a tavern here,
228
00:22:12,564 --> 00:22:16,967
- in Cairo.
- Cairo. That's in Egypt.
229
00:22:17,202 --> 00:22:18,794
Exactly right, Joe.
230
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:22,906
Now, team, your mission will be
to get Gary into that tavern.
231
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:26,077
And once he's on the inside,
cover his back.
232
00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:28,370
Gary, you must use
your acting to find out
233
00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:31,572
any information you can
from the terrorists.
234
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:36,379
Gary, if for some reason
your cover is blown
235
00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:38,681
and the terrorists take you prisoner,
236
00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:42,360
well, you'll probably want
to take your own life.
237
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:45,121
Here, you'd better have this.
238
00:22:50,268 --> 00:22:53,169
All right, team, that's it.
We've got a job to do.
239
00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:56,841
Let's go police the world.
240
00:22:57,075 --> 00:23:00,238
America
241
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:03,676
America
242
00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:06,577
America
Fuck, yeah
243
00:23:06,785 --> 00:23:09,549
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
244
00:23:09,754 --> 00:23:12,348
America
Fuck, yeah
245
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:15,082
Freedom is the only way, yeah
246
00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:17,853
Terrorists, your game is through
247
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:20,623
'Cause now you have to answer to
248
00:23:20,865 --> 00:23:23,231
America
Fuck, yeah
249
00:23:23,768 --> 00:23:26,464
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
250
00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:29,707
America
Fuck, yeah
251
00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:34,001
What if the old man is wrong
about him, huh?
252
00:23:34,245 --> 00:23:37,772
What if he's not the great actor
Spottswoode says he is?
253
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:42,044
Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
254
00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:46,048
I got my reasons.
255
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,623
You all right, Gary?
256
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,394
I was just thinking.
257
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:58,000
On-stage, if I mess up a line,
it could mean a bad review.
258
00:23:58,203 --> 00:24:00,296
If I mess up here,
259
00:24:00,505 --> 00:24:02,439
we're all dead.
260
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:06,043
I believe you can do this, Gary.
261
00:24:06,244 --> 00:24:09,611
Why? What reason do you
have to believe?
262
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:15,452
Sometimes believing is all we have.
263
00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:12,634
Fear not, Muslim friends.
We're here to find terrorists.
264
00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:16,211
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
265
00:25:16,414 --> 00:25:20,009
All right, good job, Sarah.
Now, everyone make for the tavern.
266
00:25:20,218 --> 00:25:22,812
Let's get one thing straight, actor.
I don't trust you.
267
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:26,149
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking
balls off and stuff them up your ass
268
00:25:26,357 --> 00:25:29,349
so that the next time you shit,
you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
269
00:25:29,561 --> 00:25:31,893
- What's your problem with me?
- Yeah, you wanna go?
270
00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:33,189
Guys, guys, guys!
271
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,060
Don't you see this is just
what the terrorists want us to do?
272
00:25:36,267 --> 00:25:40,863
The war is out there, man. Out there.
Now, pull it together.
273
00:25:42,307 --> 00:25:45,834
All right, team, let's move
to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
274
00:25:57,388 --> 00:25:58,377
- Clear.
- Clear.
275
00:25:58,590 --> 00:25:59,579
- Clear.
- Clear.
276
00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:01,520
Gary, you follow me.
The rest of the team,
277
00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:04,627
take super-secret hiding positions
Alpha One.
278
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,625
All right, that's the tavern
with the blue door.
279
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:14,065
Act your way past those guards
and see what you can find out.
280
00:26:14,305 --> 00:26:17,138
Remember, if you think they're
onto you, give us the signal.
281
00:26:17,342 --> 00:26:19,640
You remember the signal?
282
00:26:21,146 --> 00:26:24,638
That's right. All right, good luck.
283
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,515
Go get them, cowboy.
284
00:27:00,385 --> 00:27:01,784
Oh, shit.
285
00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:04,614
Come on, Gary, act.
You have the power.
286
00:27:23,408 --> 00:27:25,899
- All right, Gary!
- Told you he was top gun.
287
00:27:26,110 --> 00:27:30,206
- I've never seen acting that good.
- He's amazing.
288
00:27:47,866 --> 00:27:50,596
Yeah, no, I know.
It's terrible, terrible.
289
00:27:51,936 --> 00:27:56,100
We are Bashir rebels from
the country of Somalia. Who are you?
290
00:27:57,542 --> 00:28:02,036
My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
291
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:08,008
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks
coming up soon?
292
00:28:21,432 --> 00:28:24,629
I sense that I'm becoming
attracted to Gary.
293
00:28:25,803 --> 00:28:28,829
My advice is not to get involved
with a team member, Sarah.
294
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,203
It's too painful to see them die.
295
00:28:32,443 --> 00:28:34,877
I'm sorry, Lisa.
I didn't mean to bring up...
296
00:28:35,079 --> 00:28:38,537
It's okay, Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.
297
00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:41,251
I treasure yours, Lisa.
298
00:28:47,392 --> 00:28:51,260
Hey, have you ever thought
of telling Sarah how you feel?
299
00:28:52,096 --> 00:28:56,465
What would a girl like Sarah want
with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
300
00:28:56,701 --> 00:29:00,102
I don't know nothing about fancy cars
and fancy restaurants.
301
00:29:00,772 --> 00:29:05,709
Still, I'd love to show her
a full-moon night on the cornfields.
302
00:29:18,990 --> 00:29:20,924
What do you know?
303
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:24,793
I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.
304
00:29:24,996 --> 00:29:28,693
If you tell me what it is,
maybe I could help out.
305
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:32,266
Get out of here. We have put out
a jihad on the infidels
306
00:29:32,503 --> 00:29:35,063
because they destroyed our lives.
307
00:29:35,506 --> 00:29:39,442
What do you know
about pain and sadness?
308
00:29:40,678 --> 00:29:43,613
Gary. Help me! Help me!
309
00:29:43,815 --> 00:29:47,717
Get him off!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
310
00:29:49,620 --> 00:29:52,487
I was just a boy when the infidels
came to my village
311
00:29:52,690 --> 00:29:55,488
in their Black Hawk helicopters.
312
00:29:56,361 --> 00:30:00,695
The infidels fired at the oil fields
and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
313
00:30:00,898 --> 00:30:04,527
Burning oil rained down from the sky
and cooked everything it touched.
314
00:30:04,769 --> 00:30:07,670
I could only hide myself and cry
as my goats were consumed
315
00:30:07,872 --> 00:30:09,772
by the fiery, black liquid death.
316
00:30:12,577 --> 00:30:14,374
In the midst of the chaos,
317
00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:19,243
I could swear that I heard my goats
screaming for help.
318
00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:24,713
As quickly as they had come,
the infidels were gone.
319
00:30:24,922 --> 00:30:29,450
It was on that day
I put a jihad on them.
320
00:30:31,829 --> 00:30:36,129
And if you don't believe it,
then you better kill me now,
321
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:39,633
because I'll put a jihad on you too.
322
00:30:45,209 --> 00:30:48,645
I like you. You have balls.
323
00:30:48,846 --> 00:30:51,337
I like balls.
324
00:30:53,317 --> 00:30:55,683
All right, listen carefully.
The WMDs are located
325
00:30:55,887 --> 00:30:58,981
in a secret bunker 20 yards east
of this building.
326
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:01,681
You can help us by guarding it
and making...
327
00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:07,461
Come. They're onto us!
328
00:31:07,665 --> 00:31:09,496
Hurry, friend.
We must make our escape.
329
00:31:13,471 --> 00:31:17,430
Shit. I've got five terrorists going
southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
330
00:31:17,742 --> 00:31:19,004
Don't let them get away.
331
00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:27,313
I sense Gary's trapped
inside the tavern.
332
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,715
Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,
we'll go after the terrorists.
333
00:31:30,922 --> 00:31:34,187
America
334
00:31:34,425 --> 00:31:37,053
America
Fuck, yeah
335
00:31:37,261 --> 00:31:40,094
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
336
00:31:40,298 --> 00:31:42,789
America
Fuck, yeah
337
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,333
Freedom is the only way, yeah
338
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,131
It's the dream that we all share
339
00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:52,573
It's the hope for tomorrow
340
00:31:52,810 --> 00:31:54,402
Go faster, you idiot.
341
00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:02,548
Die! Infidels!
342
00:32:09,961 --> 00:32:12,555
- They're not stopping.
- They had their chance.
343
00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:22,906
Missed. Wide right.
344
00:32:25,476 --> 00:32:27,637
One of the terrorists is trying
to tell us something.
345
00:32:28,179 --> 00:32:29,976
It's me. It's me.
346
00:32:30,414 --> 00:32:33,906
Looks like he's saying,
"Kiss me. Kiss me. "
347
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:35,380
Smartass motherfucker.
348
00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:52,125
- Gary?
- An infidel.
349
00:32:52,370 --> 00:32:54,270
Kill her.
350
00:33:04,582 --> 00:33:05,913
Gary?
351
00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:13,286
- Sarah to Team America Four.
- What you got, Sarah?
352
00:33:13,524 --> 00:33:16,857
Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he may be with...
353
00:33:17,061 --> 00:33:20,519
- Say again. You're breaking up.
- Joe, do you copy?
354
00:33:20,765 --> 00:33:23,461
- I'll get him.
- Lisa?
355
00:33:27,038 --> 00:33:28,665
I lost her.
356
00:33:28,873 --> 00:33:32,331
It's all right. We'll kill these guys,
then we'll find out what she wants.
357
00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:34,135
Right.
358
00:33:41,219 --> 00:33:42,880
Hey, guys, I think
we should pull over.
359
00:33:43,087 --> 00:33:44,816
Pull over? Yes, of course.
360
00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:47,889
Pull over, let them pass us, and when
they turn around, we charge them.
361
00:33:48,092 --> 00:33:49,684
I love your balls.
362
00:33:53,297 --> 00:33:55,162
Shit, they got by me.
363
00:33:58,569 --> 00:34:01,936
- What are we doing?
- This jeep is filled with explosives.
364
00:34:02,139 --> 00:34:04,664
We're going to take their lives
and our own.
365
00:34:04,875 --> 00:34:06,740
We're gonna what?
366
00:34:07,778 --> 00:34:09,837
- Hang on, Joe.
- Die, infidels.
367
00:34:21,459 --> 00:34:22,721
Surprise, cockfags!
368
00:34:40,945 --> 00:34:43,140
All right. We fucking did it.
369
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:51,620
Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the
WMDs and the terrorists are down.
370
00:34:51,822 --> 00:34:55,815
Great job, team. Head back to base
for debriefing and cocktails.
371
00:34:59,495 --> 00:35:03,056
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
372
00:35:03,833 --> 00:35:06,961
Team America has once again
pissed off the entire world
373
00:35:07,169 --> 00:35:09,000
after blowing up half of Cairo.
374
00:35:09,205 --> 00:35:12,140
And now some Hollywood celebrities
are lashing out.
375
00:35:12,341 --> 00:35:15,902
Alec Baldwin is head
of the Film Actors Guild.
376
00:35:16,679 --> 00:35:18,078
The Film Actors Guild believes
377
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:20,771
that what the world needs
is compassion, not violence.
378
00:35:20,983 --> 00:35:24,817
All that Team America
does is create new enemies.
379
00:35:25,287 --> 00:35:27,278
Let me explain to you
how this works.
380
00:35:27,490 --> 00:35:30,789
You see, the corporations
finance Team America.
381
00:35:30,993 --> 00:35:34,588
And then Team America goes out,
and the corporations sit there in their...
382
00:35:34,797 --> 00:35:38,995
In their corporation buildings,
and, see, they're all corporation-y,
383
00:35:39,201 --> 00:35:41,829
and they make money.
384
00:35:42,037 --> 00:35:43,766
Last year I went to Iraq.
385
00:35:43,973 --> 00:35:46,840
Before Team America showed up,
it was a happy place.
386
00:35:47,042 --> 00:35:49,010
They had flowery meadows
and rainbow skies
387
00:35:49,211 --> 00:35:51,475
and rivers made of chocolate,
where the children danced
388
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:54,843
and laughed and played
with gumdrop smiles.
389
00:35:55,050 --> 00:35:56,950
The actors are calling
for an emergency meeting.
390
00:35:57,153 --> 00:35:59,178
Already expected to attend
are Helen Hunt,
391
00:35:59,388 --> 00:36:04,348
George Clooney, Liv Tyler,
Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,
392
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,994
Janeane Garofalo
and Matt Damon.
393
00:36:07,196 --> 00:36:09,994
Matt Damon.
394
00:36:10,199 --> 00:36:13,362
In the meantime, the world wants
to deal with dangerous individuals
395
00:36:13,569 --> 00:36:14,866
their own way.
396
00:36:33,189 --> 00:36:35,987
Hans Brix? Oh, no.
397
00:36:37,393 --> 00:36:40,658
Oh, herro,
great to see you again, Hans.
398
00:36:40,863 --> 00:36:44,355
Mr. II, I was supposed to be allowed
to inspect your palace today,
399
00:36:44,567 --> 00:36:47,730
and your guards won't let me into
certain areas.
400
00:36:47,937 --> 00:36:51,236
Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been
through this a dozen times.
401
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:55,240
I don't have any weapons
of mass destruction, okay, Hans?
402
00:36:55,444 --> 00:36:58,675
Then let me look around so I can
ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
403
00:36:58,881 --> 00:37:02,180
Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
404
00:37:02,384 --> 00:37:05,080
I'm sorry, but the U.N. Must be
firm with you.
405
00:37:05,287 --> 00:37:08,381
Let me see your whole palace
or else.
406
00:37:08,591 --> 00:37:10,718
Or else what?
407
00:37:10,926 --> 00:37:14,885
Or else we will be very,
very angry with you.
408
00:37:15,097 --> 00:37:19,363
And we will write you a letter
telling you how angry we are.
409
00:37:20,002 --> 00:37:23,096
Okay, I'll show you, Hans.
You ready?
410
00:37:23,305 --> 00:37:25,273
Stand a rittle to your reft.
411
00:37:27,443 --> 00:37:29,172
A rittle more.
412
00:37:30,212 --> 00:37:31,543
Good.
413
00:37:37,453 --> 00:37:38,545
There you go, Hans Brix.
414
00:37:38,754 --> 00:37:41,882
How you rike that,
you fucking cocksucker?
415
00:37:44,159 --> 00:37:47,424
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
416
00:37:47,663 --> 00:37:49,654
Well, fuck you.
You want inspection?
417
00:37:49,865 --> 00:37:53,460
Well, inspect that,
you buttfucking piece of shit.
418
00:37:54,270 --> 00:37:56,500
What, you think I'm just
a petty arms dearer?
419
00:37:56,739 --> 00:37:58,331
I'm pranning the attack.
420
00:37:58,541 --> 00:38:03,205
Congraturations, Team America,
you have stopped nothing.
421
00:38:22,231 --> 00:38:25,723
Congratulations, Gary.
You've done an amazing thing.
422
00:38:25,935 --> 00:38:29,735
It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again.
423
00:38:29,939 --> 00:38:32,305
We're gonna be unstoppable
with you on the team, Gary.
424
00:38:32,508 --> 00:38:35,238
Terrorists, your game is through.
425
00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:37,368
You're the best, Gary.
426
00:38:39,214 --> 00:38:42,342
So this terrorist is shooting at us
from the back of his jeep, and he...
427
00:38:42,551 --> 00:38:44,519
You might have all the others fooled,
but not me.
428
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:47,712
Your acting was reckless
and it put us all in danger.
429
00:38:47,923 --> 00:38:51,222
The next time you pull a stunt like that,
I'll drill two holes through your dick
430
00:38:51,427 --> 00:38:55,193
so that when you pee, it shoots out
in all different directions. You got it?
431
00:38:57,099 --> 00:38:58,999
Hey, Sarah, do you mind
if I dance with you?
432
00:38:59,201 --> 00:39:01,567
No, of course not, Joe.
433
00:39:11,113 --> 00:39:14,514
Joe, do you think it's okay
for team members to date?
434
00:39:15,351 --> 00:39:17,683
Sarah, really?
435
00:39:17,886 --> 00:39:19,581
Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
436
00:39:19,788 --> 00:39:22,256
I think it's better than all right.
It's great!
437
00:39:22,458 --> 00:39:24,722
Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
438
00:39:39,141 --> 00:39:40,608
Gary? You okay?
439
00:39:41,977 --> 00:39:46,937
I was just wondering if I can let go
of an old, painful memory.
440
00:39:47,516 --> 00:39:50,041
Is it anything
that you wanna talk about?
441
00:39:50,653 --> 00:39:54,783
When I was a kid, I always looked up
to my older brother, Tommy.
442
00:39:54,990 --> 00:39:58,153
He was the jock,
and I was the little performer.
443
00:39:58,994 --> 00:40:01,326
We were all out at the zoo one day.
444
00:40:01,530 --> 00:40:05,796
I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
445
00:40:06,001 --> 00:40:07,798
I fell in.
446
00:40:08,003 --> 00:40:11,302
Everyone screamed,
and Tommy jumped in after me,
447
00:40:11,507 --> 00:40:14,772
forgetting that he had blueberries
in his front pocket.
448
00:40:15,778 --> 00:40:17,871
The gorillas just went wild.
449
00:40:18,347 --> 00:40:21,407
They jumped all over his body
and threw him around like a rag doll
450
00:40:21,617 --> 00:40:23,312
to get to those blueberries.
451
00:40:23,519 --> 00:40:27,785
One gorilla would throw him to another
gorilla, who tossed him to another.
452
00:40:30,359 --> 00:40:32,759
Everyone panicked and cried out
for somebody to help,
453
00:40:32,961 --> 00:40:34,929
but it was too late.
454
00:40:35,130 --> 00:40:40,432
The gorillas beat him to death before
the zookeepers could gas them all.
455
00:40:43,672 --> 00:40:45,162
My acting...
456
00:40:45,374 --> 00:40:47,001
...got my brother killed.
457
00:40:47,209 --> 00:40:48,938
I've had to live with that...
458
00:40:49,144 --> 00:40:51,510
...every single day.
459
00:40:51,714 --> 00:40:55,650
Gary, you can't blame yourself
for what gorillas did.
460
00:40:56,018 --> 00:40:58,486
I think I can finally let it go.
461
00:40:58,687 --> 00:41:02,123
Because my acting
saved the entire world.
462
00:41:02,357 --> 00:41:04,120
And something
even better happened.
463
00:41:04,326 --> 00:41:05,850
What?
464
00:41:06,061 --> 00:41:10,293
I met somebody
who took my breath away.
465
00:41:15,337 --> 00:41:17,635
Gary, no.
466
00:41:18,107 --> 00:41:19,199
I'm sorry.
467
00:41:19,408 --> 00:41:23,242
It's just...
Things are really complicated, Gary.
468
00:41:23,479 --> 00:41:25,413
I know about Carson.
469
00:41:25,614 --> 00:41:28,082
I know how it feels.
470
00:41:28,283 --> 00:41:30,376
God, I'm so confused.
471
00:41:30,586 --> 00:41:33,384
It's too soon to be
having feelings for you.
472
00:41:34,723 --> 00:41:39,160
Maybe feelings are feelings
because we can't control them.
473
00:41:39,428 --> 00:41:41,055
But I have to control them
474
00:41:41,263 --> 00:41:44,198
because I can't go through losing
somebody again. It's too painful.
475
00:41:44,399 --> 00:41:46,833
So... So, what, you're just
gonna shut down?
476
00:41:47,035 --> 00:41:48,730
I really like you.
477
00:41:48,937 --> 00:41:51,963
There's no chance
we can ever be together?
478
00:41:53,509 --> 00:41:57,070
Only if you could promise me
you'll never die.
479
00:41:57,279 --> 00:41:59,338
You know I can't promise that.
480
00:41:59,548 --> 00:42:02,915
If you did that,
I would make love to you right now.
481
00:42:07,523 --> 00:42:11,254
I promise. I will never die.
482
00:42:28,277 --> 00:42:33,408
I need this, I need love
I need you
483
00:42:35,017 --> 00:42:40,512
I don't need one heartbeat
I need two
484
00:42:41,490 --> 00:42:44,516
There's an emptiness I need to fill
485
00:42:44,726 --> 00:42:49,129
And only one emptiness will do
486
00:42:49,331 --> 00:42:55,634
Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
487
00:42:56,438 --> 00:43:02,934
Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeah
488
00:43:03,145 --> 00:43:09,709
Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
489
00:43:09,952 --> 00:43:14,048
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
490
00:43:37,613 --> 00:43:42,073
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
491
00:43:45,754 --> 00:43:49,850
Please just be a woman
492
00:43:55,430 --> 00:43:59,366
Lisa, you're the most amazing person
I've ever met.
493
00:43:59,568 --> 00:44:03,402
It's only been a short time,
but I think that I'm completely in love...
494
00:44:03,772 --> 00:44:06,104
Let's not talk.
495
00:44:06,375 --> 00:44:08,366
I can't help it.
This just feels so right,
496
00:44:08,577 --> 00:44:11,239
and I don't want anything
to mess it up.
497
00:44:13,649 --> 00:44:17,983
There's not a thing in the world
that can mess this up.
498
00:46:06,128 --> 00:46:08,961
Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
499
00:46:09,164 --> 00:46:14,329
At 7:15 this morning,
the terrorists carried out their attack.
500
00:46:15,170 --> 00:46:17,502
- What?
- But how can that be?
501
00:46:17,706 --> 00:46:19,765
Gary stopped the terrorists
in Cairo.
502
00:46:19,975 --> 00:46:22,102
It appears now that
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Was wrong
503
00:46:22,310 --> 00:46:24,540
about the Chechnyans
being in charge.
504
00:46:24,780 --> 00:46:26,680
That was bad,
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
505
00:46:26,882 --> 00:46:30,340
- Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
- I'm sorry.
506
00:46:30,552 --> 00:46:34,113
We have to find out who did this
and take them down. Fast.
507
00:46:35,557 --> 00:46:39,015
Sir, I am intercepting communications
about the terrorists' identities.
508
00:46:39,227 --> 00:46:41,320
On screen.
509
00:46:41,530 --> 00:46:44,795
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
510
00:46:45,067 --> 00:46:47,900
An attack in Panama today
has left thousands dead.
511
00:46:48,103 --> 00:46:52,199
Taking credit were terrorists
from Derka Derkastan.
512
00:46:52,407 --> 00:46:54,534
Of course, Derka Derkastan.
513
00:46:54,743 --> 00:46:57,303
The terrorists claim that the attack
was a retaliation
514
00:46:57,512 --> 00:46:59,844
for Team America's actions in Cairo.
515
00:47:00,048 --> 00:47:03,643
Alec Baldwin is rallying all
the members of the Film Actors Guild.
516
00:47:03,852 --> 00:47:06,082
- Alec Baldwin?
- Gary?
517
00:47:06,321 --> 00:47:08,084
He's my hero.
518
00:47:08,323 --> 00:47:10,484
The single greatest actor
of all time.
519
00:47:10,859 --> 00:47:14,192
Who is to blame for these attacks
in Panama?
520
00:47:14,396 --> 00:47:15,693
The terrorists?
521
00:47:15,897 --> 00:47:18,092
The person who supplied them
with WMDs?
522
00:47:18,333 --> 00:47:22,064
No. Blame Team America.
523
00:47:22,971 --> 00:47:27,101
Their reckless disregard in Cairo
brought on this violence today.
524
00:47:27,342 --> 00:47:32,746
Team America, the blood of the victims
of Panama is on your hands.
525
00:47:35,550 --> 00:47:37,541
Moved by Baldwin's
impassioned speech,
526
00:47:37,752 --> 00:47:40,880
hundreds of people turned out
at Mount Rushmore today to protest.
527
00:47:45,127 --> 00:47:47,061
Hey, that's here.
528
00:47:47,262 --> 00:47:49,730
Tom, it looks like filmmaker
Michael Moore
529
00:47:49,931 --> 00:47:53,697
is also jumping on the
"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.
530
00:47:54,402 --> 00:47:56,199
Protesting is not enough.
531
00:47:56,404 --> 00:48:00,397
We must take radical action against
the fascists in our own country.
532
00:48:00,609 --> 00:48:03,942
Bring it down! Bring it all down!
533
00:48:09,584 --> 00:48:12,576
Team, if the Derka Derkastanis
have weapons of mass destruction,
534
00:48:12,821 --> 00:48:16,917
I'm afraid it could be
9/11 times 1,000.
535
00:48:17,159 --> 00:48:18,922
- Jesus, you mean...?
- Yes.
536
00:48:19,127 --> 00:48:22,619
Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
537
00:48:22,831 --> 00:48:24,799
Then forget all these assholes.
We got work to do.
538
00:48:25,267 --> 00:48:28,134
Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized
so he can use his acting.
539
00:48:28,336 --> 00:48:29,803
My acting?
540
00:48:30,005 --> 00:48:33,600
My acting? My acting just got
a thousand people killed.
541
00:48:33,808 --> 00:48:35,275
Jesus, I've done it again.
542
00:48:35,477 --> 00:48:38,674
Pull yourself together, Gary.
We need you now more than ever.
543
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:41,075
- I'm through with this.
- Gary, you can't go.
544
00:48:41,283 --> 00:48:42,750
Without you, the team is doomed.
545
00:48:42,951 --> 00:48:46,318
Remember, there is no "I"
in Team America.
546
00:48:46,521 --> 00:48:48,489
Yes, there is.
547
00:48:51,426 --> 00:48:52,859
I know it's hard, Gary.
548
00:48:53,061 --> 00:48:56,155
But you're still the only hope
to stop these newer terrorists.
549
00:48:56,364 --> 00:48:59,162
Why me? Why am I the only one?
550
00:48:59,367 --> 00:49:01,096
Because you're the one
with the power to...
551
00:49:01,303 --> 00:49:04,272
Well, I don't want the fucking power!
552
00:49:06,041 --> 00:49:07,975
I don't want the guilt,
I don't want the shame
553
00:49:08,176 --> 00:49:10,007
and I don't want the responsibility.
554
00:49:10,312 --> 00:49:13,042
Then what about all the things
you promised last night?
555
00:49:13,248 --> 00:49:15,011
You said you'd never leave.
556
00:49:15,850 --> 00:49:20,514
I said I'd never die.
But now I'm dead inside.
557
00:49:21,590 --> 00:49:23,785
You slept with Gary?
558
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:28,661
- Sarah.
- But you knew I liked Gary.
559
00:49:28,863 --> 00:49:30,854
I told you.
560
00:49:31,066 --> 00:49:33,728
You like Gary?
561
00:49:33,969 --> 00:49:36,369
Oh, I see.
562
00:49:36,605 --> 00:49:40,200
- I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
- Save it, Lisa.
563
00:49:41,977 --> 00:49:45,378
You see? All I do is hurt people.
564
00:49:45,614 --> 00:49:49,072
Gary, you didn't kill your brother.
Those gorillas did.
565
00:49:52,687 --> 00:49:55,383
I'm sorry I'm not the man
you think I am.
566
00:49:55,590 --> 00:49:58,058
I'm just bad news.
567
00:49:59,027 --> 00:50:01,393
I'll never act again.
568
00:50:09,104 --> 00:50:10,662
Fuck him. We don't need an actor.
569
00:50:10,872 --> 00:50:12,362
We can take out
the Derka Derkastanis
570
00:50:12,574 --> 00:50:14,235
the old-fashioned way.
571
00:50:14,442 --> 00:50:16,603
No. It would be a suicide mission.
572
00:50:16,811 --> 00:50:20,747
That's all right.
I feel a little bit like dying.
573
00:50:23,551 --> 00:50:25,644
Goddamn it, Gary.
574
00:50:31,159 --> 00:50:36,030
America
Fuck, yeah
575
00:50:37,132 --> 00:50:42,434
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
576
00:50:42,637 --> 00:50:47,131
America
Fuck, yeah
577
00:50:48,576 --> 00:50:54,105
Freedom is the only way
Yeah
578
00:50:54,316 --> 00:50:59,447
Terrorists, your game is through
579
00:50:59,654 --> 00:51:04,284
'Cause now you have to answer to
580
00:51:05,293 --> 00:51:10,822
America
Fuck, yeah
581
00:51:11,633 --> 00:51:15,467
America
Fuck
582
00:51:15,670 --> 00:51:19,834
Gary! Help me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
583
00:51:23,345 --> 00:51:26,781
All right, team.
We're nearing Derka Derkastan.
584
00:51:26,981 --> 00:51:28,608
Let's get ready.
585
00:51:29,851 --> 00:51:31,751
Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.
586
00:51:38,493 --> 00:51:40,654
There's only five of them, team.
This should be easy.
587
00:51:40,862 --> 00:51:42,420
I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.
588
00:51:44,366 --> 00:51:45,663
What are they doing here?
589
00:51:50,638 --> 00:51:52,936
Shoot them down. Rike dogs.
590
00:51:53,141 --> 00:51:55,803
Kim Jong II?
Why is he helping terrorists?
591
00:52:03,985 --> 00:52:05,475
I've got one on my tail!
592
00:52:07,689 --> 00:52:09,281
I got you, Sarah.
593
00:52:13,661 --> 00:52:15,094
Bring in the submarines.
594
00:52:18,333 --> 00:52:21,825
What the hell? Something's shooting
at us from the water.
595
00:52:22,036 --> 00:52:25,301
- It must be a Korean sub.
- Chris, you've gotta take them out.
596
00:52:25,507 --> 00:52:27,668
I'm already on it.
597
00:52:33,715 --> 00:52:35,148
These guys really snuck up on us.
598
00:52:35,350 --> 00:52:37,978
Yeah, there's a lot of that
going around lately.
599
00:52:38,186 --> 00:52:40,586
Sarah, you know I didn't mean
to hurt you.
600
00:52:40,789 --> 00:52:42,484
No, you just didn't care if you did.
601
00:52:44,592 --> 00:52:46,355
Now, come on, Sarah,
that isn't fair.
602
00:52:46,561 --> 00:52:48,927
Lisa can't help it
if Gary has feelings for her.
603
00:52:49,197 --> 00:52:52,928
Just like nobody can help it
if you have feelings for Gary.
604
00:52:57,305 --> 00:52:58,863
What is that supposed to mean?
605
00:52:59,073 --> 00:53:00,973
Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realized
606
00:53:01,176 --> 00:53:02,905
Joe has feelings for you?
607
00:53:06,281 --> 00:53:08,511
Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
608
00:53:10,385 --> 00:53:13,718
That's all I ever am. Like a brother.
It isn't fair.
609
00:53:19,894 --> 00:53:22,294
Hang on, team.
Someone has broken into the hangar.
610
00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:24,931
- Baxter?
- Hey, Team America.
611
00:53:25,200 --> 00:53:27,430
I got something for you.
612
00:53:27,702 --> 00:53:30,933
- What the hell?
- Prepare to die.
613
00:53:34,075 --> 00:53:36,771
Jesus titty-fucking...
614
00:53:40,281 --> 00:53:41,441
...Christ!
615
00:53:42,116 --> 00:53:43,208
Spottswoode!
616
00:53:45,753 --> 00:53:47,243
Oh, my God!
617
00:53:48,790 --> 00:53:51,281
No. He can't be dead.
618
00:53:52,260 --> 00:53:54,228
We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
619
00:53:54,462 --> 00:53:56,896
I repeat,
we have no I.N. T.E.L.L.I. G.E.N. C.E.
620
00:53:57,131 --> 00:54:00,225
Their computers are down.
Attack!
621
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:06,901
- Sarah!
- I sense I'm going down.
622
00:54:09,277 --> 00:54:11,472
Sarah! God, Chris,
you gotta help her.
623
00:54:11,746 --> 00:54:13,646
I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.
624
00:54:16,784 --> 00:54:18,479
Oh, fuck, I've been hit.
625
00:54:19,053 --> 00:54:21,214
Chris, come in.
626
00:54:21,456 --> 00:54:23,720
- Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!
- Lisa!
627
00:54:23,958 --> 00:54:24,947
- Going down.
- Goddamn it,
628
00:54:25,159 --> 00:54:27,218
I'm gonna have to breach.
629
00:54:30,298 --> 00:54:32,095
I'm gonna hit the water.
630
00:54:33,201 --> 00:54:34,964
Missile lock. I've got missile lock.
631
00:54:35,203 --> 00:54:37,330
I've gotta bail out.
632
00:54:53,888 --> 00:54:58,052
Salvage their ships. If you find anyone
arive, you know what to do with them.
633
00:55:01,429 --> 00:55:03,397
Terrorists on screen.
634
00:55:04,499 --> 00:55:08,367
Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?
635
00:55:08,570 --> 00:55:10,561
We were angry about Cairo.
636
00:55:10,805 --> 00:55:12,898
Goddamn it, how many times
do I have to tell you?
637
00:55:13,107 --> 00:55:15,905
You don't use the WMDs
until you see the signal.
638
00:55:16,110 --> 00:55:17,873
I have worked ten years
on this pran.
639
00:55:18,079 --> 00:55:20,809
It is a very precise
and a compricated pran.
640
00:55:21,015 --> 00:55:23,142
I am sick of you terrorists
fucking it up.
641
00:55:23,351 --> 00:55:24,875
Now, take the weapons
where I told you
642
00:55:25,086 --> 00:55:29,182
and wait for the goddamn signal
this time. Goodbye.
643
00:55:30,458 --> 00:55:33,552
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
644
00:55:34,395 --> 00:55:38,331
Why aren't more people interrigent?
Rike me?
645
00:55:40,201 --> 00:55:44,262
I'm so ronery
646
00:55:44,472 --> 00:55:46,406
So ronery
647
00:55:46,608 --> 00:55:50,339
So ronery and sadry arone
648
00:55:50,545 --> 00:55:55,005
There's no one
Just me onry
649
00:55:55,216 --> 00:55:58,947
Sitting on my rittle throne
650
00:55:59,220 --> 00:56:03,054
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
651
00:56:03,257 --> 00:56:07,557
But nobody ristens
No one understands
652
00:56:07,762 --> 00:56:13,632
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
653
00:56:14,302 --> 00:56:15,860
And so
654
00:56:16,070 --> 00:56:18,595
I'm ronery
655
00:56:19,641 --> 00:56:21,575
A rittle ronery
656
00:56:22,243 --> 00:56:26,646
Poor rittle me
657
00:56:31,686 --> 00:56:36,555
There's nobody I can rerate to
658
00:56:36,924 --> 00:56:40,416
Feel rike a bird in a cage
659
00:56:40,628 --> 00:56:43,995
It's kind of sirry
But not rearry
660
00:56:44,599 --> 00:56:48,626
Because it's firring my body
With rage
661
00:56:48,836 --> 00:56:53,773
I'm the smartest, most crever
Most physicarry fit
662
00:56:54,008 --> 00:56:57,239
But nobody else seems to rearize it
663
00:56:57,445 --> 00:57:03,816
When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice me
664
00:57:04,018 --> 00:57:05,485
And until then
665
00:57:05,687 --> 00:57:08,451
I'll just be ronery
666
00:57:09,357 --> 00:57:12,326
Yeah, a rittle ronery
667
00:57:12,527 --> 00:57:17,521
Poor rittle me
668
00:57:21,436 --> 00:57:27,466
I'm so ronery
669
00:57:44,726 --> 00:57:46,387
What would you do
670
00:57:46,594 --> 00:57:51,190
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
671
00:57:51,933 --> 00:57:55,369
What would you do if asked
To make the ultimate sacrifice?
672
00:57:55,570 --> 00:57:58,471
Hey, weren't you the actor
in that Broadway show?
673
00:57:58,673 --> 00:58:02,939
Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene
where everyone gets AIDS.
674
00:58:03,144 --> 00:58:06,807
I don't act anymore.
I gave that up.
675
00:58:07,014 --> 00:58:10,381
- Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
- I said, get away from me!
676
00:58:10,585 --> 00:58:14,282
I'm completely lost.
I've hit rock bottom.
677
00:58:14,489 --> 00:58:17,390
Easy, easy.
You gotta calm down there, Chuck.
678
00:58:17,592 --> 00:58:20,755
I hurt people. I'm a dick.
679
00:58:20,962 --> 00:58:23,430
Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
680
00:58:23,631 --> 00:58:25,155
See, there are three kinds of people:
681
00:58:25,366 --> 00:58:27,834
Dicks, pussies and assholes.
682
00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:31,664
Pussies think everyone can get along
and dicks just wanna fuck all the time
683
00:58:31,873 --> 00:58:33,340
without thinking it through.
684
00:58:33,541 --> 00:58:35,839
But then you got your assholes,
Chuck.
685
00:58:36,043 --> 00:58:39,206
And all the assholes want
is to shit all over everything.
686
00:58:40,014 --> 00:58:42,539
So pussies may get mad at dicks
once in a while
687
00:58:42,750 --> 00:58:45,378
because pussies
get fucked by dicks.
688
00:58:45,586 --> 00:58:49,249
But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
689
00:58:49,457 --> 00:58:51,982
And if they didn't fuck the assholes,
you know what you'd get?
690
00:58:52,193 --> 00:58:55,959
You'd get your dick and your pussy
all covered in shit.
691
00:58:57,465 --> 00:59:00,161
All right, that does it.
Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
692
00:59:07,441 --> 00:59:09,170
Get out of here, I said.
693
00:59:17,919 --> 00:59:19,580
Lisa!
694
00:59:20,254 --> 00:59:23,883
Lisa. Lisa, are you here?
695
00:59:26,294 --> 00:59:28,592
Get out of the street,
you fucking bum!
696
00:59:33,835 --> 00:59:36,702
You gave up on life, didn't you?
697
01:01:00,121 --> 01:01:03,352
My fellow actors,
we live in a dark time.
698
01:01:03,624 --> 01:01:05,785
The world is becoming more
and more violent
699
01:01:05,993 --> 01:01:08,086
and the idiots in charge
are making it worse.
700
01:01:08,329 --> 01:01:12,732
What the world needs is
an international advisory committee
701
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:15,161
who truly understands global politics.
702
01:01:15,369 --> 01:01:17,701
Namely, us.
703
01:01:20,508 --> 01:01:22,840
The time has come for us
to start using our acting talents
704
01:01:23,044 --> 01:01:24,136
in a different way.
705
01:01:24,512 --> 01:01:28,676
Yes, we can use our powers
to change the world.
706
01:01:31,352 --> 01:01:34,515
We will persuade everyone
to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
707
01:01:34,956 --> 01:01:37,254
If we focus our acting
on global politics,
708
01:01:37,458 --> 01:01:39,983
we can change everything and stuff.
709
01:01:43,230 --> 01:01:46,859
As actors, it is our responsibility
to read the newspapers
710
01:01:47,068 --> 01:01:51,368
and then say what we read
on television like it's our own opinion.
711
01:01:51,605 --> 01:01:53,766
Matt Damon.
712
01:01:54,041 --> 01:01:55,372
We've all done action films.
713
01:01:55,576 --> 01:01:58,204
If anyone tries to get in our way,
we'll show them just how tough
714
01:01:58,412 --> 01:02:00,346
us actors really are.
715
01:02:04,385 --> 01:02:06,250
I'm glad you all agree.
716
01:02:06,454 --> 01:02:10,390
Because I've just been contacted
by a very important political leader
717
01:02:10,591 --> 01:02:13,082
who is bringing all the
world leaders together
718
01:02:13,327 --> 01:02:16,296
for a massive
international peace conference.
719
01:02:16,564 --> 01:02:20,796
And he wants us to be
the keynote speakers.
720
01:02:23,070 --> 01:02:24,935
Matt Damon!
721
01:02:26,741 --> 01:02:29,301
Say hello to our new partner.
722
01:02:30,144 --> 01:02:32,374
Herro.
723
01:02:40,454 --> 01:02:42,479
Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!
724
01:02:45,026 --> 01:02:47,119
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
725
01:02:47,328 --> 01:02:52,960
You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my red, white and brue friend.
726
01:02:53,334 --> 01:02:56,963
So you're the bastard
planning 9/11 times 1,000.
727
01:02:57,238 --> 01:02:59,798
No. You think so small.
728
01:03:00,007 --> 01:03:04,000
You see, I'm about to have
an eraborate peace ceremony.
729
01:03:04,278 --> 01:03:08,442
And while all the world's most
important people are distracted here,
730
01:03:08,649 --> 01:03:10,742
I will detonate the WMDs
731
01:03:10,951 --> 01:03:15,251
which I have given to terrorists
arr around the grobe.
732
01:03:16,023 --> 01:03:22,326
It will be 9/11 times 2,356.
733
01:03:22,563 --> 01:03:26,363
My God, that's...
I don't even know what that is.
734
01:03:27,201 --> 01:03:29,294
Nobody does.
735
01:03:29,537 --> 01:03:32,005
You heartless bastard.
Why would you do such a thing?
736
01:03:32,273 --> 01:03:34,332
Because then there will be barance.
737
01:03:34,542 --> 01:03:37,102
Every country will be
a Third World country.
738
01:03:37,344 --> 01:03:39,209
Just imagine it.
739
01:03:39,413 --> 01:03:42,678
All around the world, there will be
massive exprosions.
740
01:03:42,917 --> 01:03:44,282
With nobody to guide them,
741
01:03:44,485 --> 01:03:48,546
the people will break out into panic
and rioting all over the earth.
742
01:03:48,789 --> 01:03:51,883
The true nature of humanity
is unreashed.
743
01:03:52,093 --> 01:03:54,721
Dog eats dog,
as everyone attacks everyone
744
01:03:54,929 --> 01:03:57,159
and fends only for themselves.
745
01:03:57,364 --> 01:03:59,855
Grobal stabirity unravels.
746
01:04:00,067 --> 01:04:05,061
By the time my show is over,
it will be far too rate.
747
01:04:11,712 --> 01:04:13,179
Your plan will fail.
748
01:04:13,414 --> 01:04:16,508
You'll never keep the world leaders
distracted here for nine hours.
749
01:04:16,717 --> 01:04:21,711
Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.
750
01:04:21,956 --> 01:04:23,821
Dear God.
751
01:04:24,024 --> 01:04:29,223
You are the rast of a dying breed,
the frag-waving American.
752
01:04:29,430 --> 01:04:32,695
Well, your rittle dream
will soon be over.
753
01:04:33,834 --> 01:04:36,325
I must get back to pranning
the ceremony now.
754
01:04:36,570 --> 01:04:38,936
The film actors are on their way.
755
01:04:39,140 --> 01:04:43,167
Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.
756
01:04:43,711 --> 01:04:49,081
Having so little faith in humanity
must make you a very lonely man.
757
01:04:56,557 --> 01:04:59,185
You shall have a front-row seat.
758
01:04:59,393 --> 01:05:01,293
Bring her upstairs.
759
01:05:01,495 --> 01:05:03,827
Leave her alone,
you son of a bitch!
760
01:05:04,064 --> 01:05:07,431
Lisa, I treasure your friendship!
761
01:05:08,569 --> 01:05:11,561
Somebody has to stop this!
762
01:05:18,479 --> 01:05:23,109
I miss you more than Michael Bay
Missed the mark
763
01:05:23,317 --> 01:05:26,115
When he made Pearl Harbor
764
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:31,383
I miss you more than that movie
Missed the point
765
01:05:31,592 --> 01:05:35,460
And that's an awful lot, girl
And now
766
01:05:35,663 --> 01:05:38,791
Now you've gone away
767
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:41,994
And all I'm trying to say
768
01:05:42,203 --> 01:05:45,138
Is Pearl Harbor sucked
769
01:05:45,339 --> 01:05:49,105
And I miss you
770
01:05:51,111 --> 01:05:55,980
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
771
01:05:56,183 --> 01:05:59,346
He was terrible in that film
772
01:05:59,553 --> 01:06:04,115
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
773
01:06:04,325 --> 01:06:08,284
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
774
01:06:08,495 --> 01:06:12,090
All I can think about is your smile
775
01:06:12,299 --> 01:06:15,325
And that shitty movie too
776
01:06:15,569 --> 01:06:17,867
Pearl Harbor sucked
777
01:06:18,072 --> 01:06:21,508
And I miss you
778
01:06:23,644 --> 01:06:26,408
Pearl Harbor sucked
779
01:06:28,515 --> 01:06:33,953
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
780
01:06:35,089 --> 01:06:37,853
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened?
781
01:06:57,678 --> 01:07:00,476
Hello? Anybody?
782
01:07:02,716 --> 01:07:05,776
Greetings, Mr. Johnston.
783
01:07:05,986 --> 01:07:08,011
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,
what the hell happened?
784
01:07:08,255 --> 01:07:12,055
Our base was attacked by
a giant socialist weasel.
785
01:07:12,259 --> 01:07:13,988
But where's the team?
786
01:07:14,194 --> 01:07:18,153
They have been taken prisoner
by Kim Jong II in North Korea.
787
01:07:18,365 --> 01:07:21,391
I have intercepted communications
that he is planning
788
01:07:21,602 --> 01:07:24,571
the massive attack
during a peace ceremony.
789
01:07:24,772 --> 01:07:28,208
Don't move, protester,
or I'll blow your commie brains out.
790
01:07:28,442 --> 01:07:31,206
- Spottswoode.
- Johnston?
791
01:07:31,412 --> 01:07:32,845
What the hell are you doing here?
792
01:07:33,047 --> 01:07:34,514
Get away from
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
793
01:07:34,715 --> 01:07:36,444
I'm using it to blow up North Korea.
794
01:07:36,650 --> 01:07:38,880
No! The team is in North Korea.
795
01:07:39,119 --> 01:07:43,579
I know. And so are the triggers
to WMDs poised all around the globe.
796
01:07:43,824 --> 01:07:45,883
My only option now
is to blow up Kim Jong II
797
01:07:46,093 --> 01:07:48,561
and everything around him
before he can set them off.
798
01:07:48,762 --> 01:07:51,629
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate
detonation sequence on the ships.
799
01:07:51,832 --> 01:07:53,299
You'll kill them all.
800
01:07:53,500 --> 01:07:55,468
It's what they would
want me to do, Gary.
801
01:07:55,669 --> 01:07:58,137
They would happily give their lives
for the good of the world,
802
01:07:58,339 --> 01:08:01,331
- something you don't understand!
- There has to be another way.
803
01:08:01,542 --> 01:08:04,477
There's nobody left
to stop Kim Jong II.
804
01:08:04,678 --> 01:08:06,373
Let me go.
805
01:08:07,448 --> 01:08:10,315
You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
806
01:08:10,551 --> 01:08:13,111
You walked out, Gary. The team went
on a mission without you.
807
01:08:13,320 --> 01:08:15,652
And without an actor,
they were like pigs to the slaughter.
808
01:08:15,856 --> 01:08:18,154
I'm supposed to leave
the fate of the world in your hands?
809
01:08:18,359 --> 01:08:20,953
I know I walked out,
but I'd do anything to take it back.
810
01:08:21,161 --> 01:08:24,324
- Please, just let me help.
- You've done enough.
811
01:08:24,565 --> 01:08:27,659
Please, Spottswoode,
you have to believe in me.
812
01:08:29,803 --> 01:08:33,762
I want to believe in you, Gary,
I really do.
813
01:08:33,974 --> 01:08:36,465
But you've let me down before.
814
01:08:36,810 --> 01:08:40,075
Please, how can I make you
trust me?
815
01:08:41,849 --> 01:08:44,409
I remember the first time we met.
816
01:08:44,618 --> 01:08:47,416
You were a simple Broadway actor
afraid to get in my limo
817
01:08:47,621 --> 01:08:50,818
because you thought I wanted you
to perform oral sex on me.
818
01:08:51,024 --> 01:08:53,117
Do you remember that?
819
01:08:53,327 --> 01:08:55,261
Yeah.
820
01:08:55,462 --> 01:09:00,764
And now the tables are turned,
and I don't know if I can trust you.
821
01:09:02,169 --> 01:09:05,104
Just give me a chance.
822
01:09:08,709 --> 01:09:11,200
All right, I'll trust you.
823
01:09:11,912 --> 01:09:13,846
But only if you...
824
01:09:14,047 --> 01:09:17,016
...will perform oral sex on me.
825
01:09:18,552 --> 01:09:21,715
- What?
- Right here, right now.
826
01:09:24,024 --> 01:09:27,016
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I am serious.
827
01:09:27,227 --> 01:09:31,129
Look, this is my serious face.
828
01:09:32,633 --> 01:09:35,193
- What will that prove?
- It will prove that you are truly ready
829
01:09:35,402 --> 01:09:36,562
to lay everything on the line.
830
01:09:36,770 --> 01:09:39,000
To throw away all your inhibitions
and give 100 percent.
831
01:09:39,206 --> 01:09:42,004
We must go back to that first night
we met, that first issue of trust.
832
01:09:42,209 --> 01:09:44,905
- Don't you see?
- No. I thought you weren't gay.
833
01:09:45,112 --> 01:09:47,478
This isn't about sex, Gary,
it's about trust.
834
01:09:47,681 --> 01:09:51,617
It's the eye of the needle, Gary,
and we must both pass through it.
835
01:09:55,756 --> 01:09:57,815
Okay, let's do it.
836
01:10:00,294 --> 01:10:02,524
I'll make sure nobody's watching.
837
01:10:02,729 --> 01:10:04,697
Yeah, it looks clear.
838
01:10:04,898 --> 01:10:06,866
Okay, go.
839
01:10:08,435 --> 01:10:10,062
There must be another way.
840
01:10:10,771 --> 01:10:13,740
I guess you won't do everything
to take it all back, will you, Gary?
841
01:10:13,941 --> 01:10:16,068
No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.
842
01:10:16,276 --> 01:10:21,077
You're saying if I do that,
you'll let me help the team?
843
01:10:21,315 --> 01:10:24,409
I'll give you all the time I can.
844
01:10:26,954 --> 01:10:29,616
Okay, let's do it.
845
01:10:29,823 --> 01:10:31,586
Here we go.
846
01:10:31,792 --> 01:10:33,919
And go.
847
01:11:02,623 --> 01:11:05,217
You are dedicated.
848
01:11:05,459 --> 01:11:06,892
Now, let's go get cleaned up.
849
01:11:07,127 --> 01:11:09,595
If you're going to storm Kim Jong ll's
palace single-handed,
850
01:11:09,796 --> 01:11:12,765
we have to make you
a complete soldier in very little time.
851
01:11:13,634 --> 01:11:15,499
How we gonna do that?
852
01:11:15,702 --> 01:11:19,729
I think I know just what we need.
853
01:11:22,976 --> 01:11:25,809
The hour's approaching
To give it your best
854
01:11:26,013 --> 01:11:29,414
And you've got to reach your prime
855
01:11:29,616 --> 01:11:32,141
That's when you need
to put yourself to the test
856
01:11:32,352 --> 01:11:34,684
And show us a passage of time
857
01:11:34,888 --> 01:11:38,517
- We're gonna need a montage
- Montage
858
01:11:38,725 --> 01:11:42,092
- It takes a montage
- Montage
859
01:11:42,329 --> 01:11:44,797
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
860
01:11:44,998 --> 01:11:47,831
Remind everyone
Of what's going on
861
01:11:48,035 --> 01:11:51,368
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
862
01:11:51,572 --> 01:11:53,836
To show it all would take too long
863
01:11:54,041 --> 01:11:57,135
- That's called a montage
- Montage
864
01:11:57,344 --> 01:12:00,871
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
865
01:12:01,081 --> 01:12:03,982
In anything, if you want to go
866
01:12:04,184 --> 01:12:06,709
From just a beginner to a pro
867
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:09,548
- You need a montage
- Montage
868
01:12:09,790 --> 01:12:13,988
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
869
01:12:14,695 --> 01:12:19,530
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
870
01:12:19,733 --> 01:12:23,396
If you fade out
It seems like more time has passed
871
01:12:23,604 --> 01:12:26,664
- In a montage
- Montage
872
01:12:37,017 --> 01:12:38,712
Radies and gentlemen.
873
01:12:38,919 --> 01:12:43,185
The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II
are preased to welcome you
874
01:12:43,390 --> 01:12:48,828
to the International
World Peace Ceremony.
875
01:12:49,029 --> 01:12:51,725
The most important people
from every country
876
01:12:51,932 --> 01:12:56,266
are gathered here in soridarity
to cerebrate peace.
877
01:12:56,470 --> 01:12:59,098
There will be music, dancing
and, of course,
878
01:12:59,339 --> 01:13:01,705
the biggest stars in Horrywood.
879
01:13:01,942 --> 01:13:06,038
In the box to your reft is the
mastermind of this spectacurar show,
880
01:13:06,279 --> 01:13:10,375
the multitarented Kim Jong II.
881
01:13:10,584 --> 01:13:13,075
Oh, herro.
882
01:13:13,720 --> 01:13:19,386
And now we present to you
the very best in North Korean music.
883
01:13:37,678 --> 01:13:41,079
Ten years of pranning,
and finarry the night is here.
884
01:13:41,281 --> 01:13:45,047
The terrorists know to be in position by
the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.
885
01:13:45,452 --> 01:13:49,388
That's when I trigger all the WMDs
to go off at the same time.
886
01:13:49,589 --> 01:13:51,454
When you see Arec Barrwin,
887
01:13:51,658 --> 01:13:56,095
you will see the true ugriness
of human nature.
888
01:13:56,329 --> 01:13:59,457
Your plan will never work.
Something will stop it.
889
01:14:00,434 --> 01:14:03,062
You stupid, naive Team Americans.
890
01:14:03,270 --> 01:14:05,397
You berieve in true rove
and happy endings
891
01:14:05,605 --> 01:14:08,506
even while the world around you
spirals downward.
892
01:14:09,543 --> 01:14:14,105
Sometimes believing is all we have.
893
01:14:15,549 --> 01:14:18,609
And as the leaders of your countries,
you have the power
894
01:14:18,819 --> 01:14:24,314
to bring the world together under
the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
895
01:14:24,558 --> 01:14:26,492
You're gonna
knock them dead, Alec.
896
01:14:27,494 --> 01:14:30,190
Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
897
01:14:40,073 --> 01:14:41,904
Who the hell you?
898
01:14:42,142 --> 01:14:45,543
I'm with the Film Actors Guild.
I'm here to help with the broadcast.
899
01:14:45,746 --> 01:14:47,008
Then you show credentials.
900
01:14:47,214 --> 01:14:49,045
Hey, you don't need to see
my credentials.
901
01:14:49,249 --> 01:14:52,116
I left them at home
and I'm running late.
902
01:14:52,352 --> 01:14:54,445
- I berieve him.
- Yeah, me too.
903
01:14:55,689 --> 01:14:57,247
Okay, have a nice day.
904
01:14:57,457 --> 01:15:00,358
My God, his acting is better
than ever.
905
01:15:15,876 --> 01:15:18,936
Don't worry, fellas,
I've got my pass right here.
906
01:15:29,556 --> 01:15:30,853
Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,
907
01:15:31,057 --> 01:15:33,491
you don't understand
what Kim Jong II is doing.
908
01:15:33,727 --> 01:15:37,390
Shut up. We have explicit instructions
to watch you.
909
01:15:37,631 --> 01:15:40,623
- Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
- We're guards.
910
01:15:40,834 --> 01:15:44,463
- We're guards, huh? We're guards.
- We're guards.
911
01:15:44,704 --> 01:15:47,537
Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone
has broken into the main hall.
912
01:15:47,741 --> 01:15:50,574
What? Come on, Martin!
913
01:16:00,720 --> 01:16:03,280
- Gary?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
914
01:16:03,523 --> 01:16:06,014
Guys, are you all right?
Where's Lisa?
915
01:16:06,259 --> 01:16:08,819
What the heck do you care?
You walked out on her.
916
01:16:09,029 --> 01:16:10,496
Look, I wanna make things right.
917
01:16:10,697 --> 01:16:12,324
Here, Spottswoode's monitoring
from the base.
918
01:16:12,532 --> 01:16:15,524
- Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
- Not as dead as you think.
919
01:16:15,735 --> 01:16:18,761
- Spottswoode!
- Yes, I'm here, Joe.
920
01:16:19,039 --> 01:16:22,372
- All right, you're alive!
- Great to hear your voices again.
921
01:16:22,576 --> 01:16:25,340
Now we've got to get Lisa
and stop Kim Jong II.
922
01:16:25,545 --> 01:16:27,570
I'm not going anywhere
with this fucking traitor.
923
01:16:27,781 --> 01:16:29,681
What makes you think
we'll take you back, douchebag?
924
01:16:29,883 --> 01:16:32,317
- We're doing this without you!
- Now, hold on, team.
925
01:16:32,552 --> 01:16:33,883
Gary has already proven to me
926
01:16:34,087 --> 01:16:36,453
that he is 100 percent committed
to the team.
927
01:16:36,690 --> 01:16:40,251
He proved it last night
by sucking my cock.
928
01:16:43,797 --> 01:16:46,288
All right. Come on, team,
we gotta find that stage.
929
01:16:47,200 --> 01:16:51,830
Rook how much they rove my show.
The entire audience is so captivated.
930
01:16:58,578 --> 01:17:03,106
And now you see,
the new world is inevitabre.
931
01:17:03,316 --> 01:17:06,649
- It's what?
- Inevita... Inevitabre.
932
01:17:06,853 --> 01:17:08,684
- One more time.
- Inevitabre!
933
01:17:08,889 --> 01:17:11,414
Things are inevitabry
going to change.
934
01:17:11,625 --> 01:17:14,355
Goddamn it, open your fucking ears.
935
01:17:16,496 --> 01:17:18,760
- Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
- Thank you.
936
01:17:18,999 --> 01:17:22,958
- Alec, we have a problem.
- Team America escaped.
937
01:17:23,703 --> 01:17:26,433
What? You fools.
They'll ruin everything.
938
01:17:26,640 --> 01:17:29,200
We better warn everyone.
They'll be headed here.
939
01:17:29,409 --> 01:17:32,344
No. We can't look weak
and powerless.
940
01:17:32,545 --> 01:17:35,810
If violence is all those bastards
understand, then violence they'll get.
941
01:17:36,016 --> 01:17:38,041
Every actor, grab a gun
and keep Team America
942
01:17:38,251 --> 01:17:41,118
from reaching this ceremony
at all costs.
943
01:17:41,421 --> 01:17:43,446
Qapla!
944
01:17:43,690 --> 01:17:45,453
Qapla!
945
01:17:45,692 --> 01:17:48,991
I swear they won't reach this stage.
946
01:18:06,513 --> 01:18:08,140
Jesus! What have we got?
947
01:18:08,381 --> 01:18:11,248
Looks like George Clooney
and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
948
01:18:13,019 --> 01:18:15,112
Look out, it's Ethan Hawke
and Janeane Garofalo.
949
01:18:21,594 --> 01:18:23,152
Drop your weapons.
950
01:18:23,697 --> 01:18:25,164
Fucking die!
951
01:18:27,167 --> 01:18:28,259
We gotta split up.
952
01:18:28,535 --> 01:18:30,901
Sarah, you and Gary go that way.
Chris and I will go right.
953
01:18:31,104 --> 01:18:34,505
No, I think I'd rather team up
with you, Joe.
954
01:18:36,209 --> 01:18:38,643
I guess you're with me, cockfag.
955
01:18:40,613 --> 01:18:41,841
- Danny Glover!
- Come on, Penn.
956
01:18:42,048 --> 01:18:45,017
- We must protect the show.
- Right.
957
01:18:45,618 --> 01:18:48,416
- The stage must be that way.
- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!
958
01:18:54,828 --> 01:18:56,455
Very impressive, warmongers.
959
01:18:56,696 --> 01:19:00,257
Now let's see how Kim Jong ll's
panthers treat you.
960
01:19:04,104 --> 01:19:05,935
I went to Iraq, you know!
961
01:19:12,078 --> 01:19:14,546
- Susan Sarandon.
- Oh, thank God.
962
01:19:14,748 --> 01:19:17,273
We have to stop the ceremony.
Kim Jong II is mad.
963
01:19:17,484 --> 01:19:19,816
Here, let me loose.
I'll show you where the theatre is.
964
01:19:20,086 --> 01:19:22,680
- All right.
- No, Chris, stay away from her.
965
01:19:22,922 --> 01:19:27,256
- Fuck you. She wants to help us.
- No, Chris, she's acting.
966
01:19:28,128 --> 01:19:29,823
I am not. The others tied me up
967
01:19:30,030 --> 01:19:32,225
because I wouldn't go along
with their plans.
968
01:19:32,465 --> 01:19:34,899
Your skills are fading with age,
Miss Sarandon.
969
01:19:36,503 --> 01:19:38,801
You shall die a peasant's death!
970
01:19:48,515 --> 01:19:49,777
Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
971
01:19:49,983 --> 01:19:52,713
I could've sworn
she was telling the truth.
972
01:19:52,952 --> 01:19:56,615
That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
973
01:19:56,823 --> 01:20:00,657
I was 19 years old when
the musical Cats came to our town.
974
01:20:01,227 --> 01:20:02,956
I couldn't wait to see it.
975
01:20:04,130 --> 01:20:06,325
After the show, I was asked
if I wanted to go meet
976
01:20:06,533 --> 01:20:10,333
some of the performers backstage.
Man, I was thrilled.
977
01:20:10,537 --> 01:20:15,031
But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control.
978
01:20:15,275 --> 01:20:18,836
Rumpus cat and Macavity
kept feeling up my leg.
979
01:20:19,079 --> 01:20:22,845
I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer
held me down and...
980
01:20:23,983 --> 01:20:27,316
...I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
981
01:20:30,890 --> 01:20:33,154
That's why you don't trust actors.
982
01:20:37,030 --> 01:20:39,157
I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.
983
01:20:39,365 --> 01:20:41,925
If there's still a world left
when this is all over,
984
01:20:42,135 --> 01:20:43,966
I'd like to buy you a beer.
985
01:20:46,806 --> 01:20:48,797
Come on, let's go.
We're running out of time.
986
01:20:53,546 --> 01:20:57,414
Sarah, before we die, I want to
finally tell you that I love you.
987
01:20:58,618 --> 01:21:02,577
No. No, I'm not gonna
let it end like this.
988
01:21:02,822 --> 01:21:06,724
We are not your enemy, furry ones.
You will not attack us.
989
01:21:06,960 --> 01:21:10,828
Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.
990
01:21:11,064 --> 01:21:14,727
Your captors are behind you, Shebas.
Show your anger to them.
991
01:21:36,289 --> 01:21:37,916
Sarah, you did it!
992
01:21:41,394 --> 01:21:42,622
Wait. Hold on.
993
01:21:44,130 --> 01:21:46,621
Spottswoode, I think we just found
the entrance to the theatre.
994
01:21:46,866 --> 01:21:48,561
Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...
995
01:21:49,602 --> 01:21:51,194
Gary!
996
01:21:52,172 --> 01:21:54,732
- Actors, ho!
- Helen Hunt.
997
01:21:54,941 --> 01:21:56,932
Samuel Jackson.
998
01:21:57,143 --> 01:21:59,236
Matt Damon.
999
01:22:00,747 --> 01:22:02,544
Motherfucker.
1000
01:22:03,716 --> 01:22:04,910
Gary, Chris, come in.
1001
01:22:07,687 --> 01:22:12,386
And now, radies and gentlemen,
Mr. Arec Barrwin.
1002
01:22:24,170 --> 01:22:27,264
We are here to usher in a new era
without violence.
1003
01:22:27,507 --> 01:22:29,805
By following the rules
of the Film Actors Guild,
1004
01:22:30,009 --> 01:22:32,102
the world can become a better place
1005
01:22:32,312 --> 01:22:36,408
that handles dangerous people
with talk and reasoning.
1006
01:22:36,649 --> 01:22:40,085
That is the F.A.G. Way.
1007
01:22:40,286 --> 01:22:44,382
One day you'll all look at the world
us actors created and say,
1008
01:22:44,624 --> 01:22:48,287
"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
1009
01:22:48,528 --> 01:22:52,692
You really made the world
a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"
1010
01:22:52,966 --> 01:22:57,335
Yes, Arec Barrwin.
Too bad there won't be a world reft.
1011
01:22:57,570 --> 01:22:59,299
Oh, God, no.
1012
01:22:59,539 --> 01:23:04,135
You see? No Prince Charming rode in
on a white stallion to save the day.
1013
01:23:04,744 --> 01:23:07,042
This is the real world.
1014
01:23:07,247 --> 01:23:10,148
I'm afraid your world is over.
1015
01:23:11,584 --> 01:23:13,108
In five minutes.
1016
01:23:16,155 --> 01:23:19,147
Yes, the ticking crock.
1017
01:23:20,827 --> 01:23:25,230
Sorry, Team America, but you see,
we must live in a time of peace.
1018
01:23:25,465 --> 01:23:28,229
Put down the gas can now.
1019
01:23:28,501 --> 01:23:30,162
Kill them.
1020
01:23:34,274 --> 01:23:35,866
Jackson!
1021
01:23:38,378 --> 01:23:39,970
Team, you've got to hurry.
1022
01:23:45,918 --> 01:23:48,580
Let's go, bitch.
I've done action films.
1023
01:23:48,788 --> 01:23:50,346
Come on.
1024
01:24:12,578 --> 01:24:13,636
Matt Damon!
1025
01:24:24,957 --> 01:24:27,357
Come on, stop trying to hit me
and hit me.
1026
01:24:34,133 --> 01:24:36,101
Don't fucking move!
1027
01:24:36,803 --> 01:24:38,634
Now, isn't that a shame.
1028
01:24:38,838 --> 01:24:40,601
You came so close
to stopping peace.
1029
01:24:40,807 --> 01:24:44,072
But you see,
peace always finds a way.
1030
01:24:44,310 --> 01:24:46,244
Goodbye, Team America.
1031
01:24:46,446 --> 01:24:49,244
I've just got one piece of bad news
for you, Robbins.
1032
01:24:49,582 --> 01:24:53,143
- What's that?
- I'm a smoker.
1033
01:25:11,671 --> 01:25:13,901
Now that the world
is going to be run peacefully,
1034
01:25:14,107 --> 01:25:15,631
we should all drive hybrid cars.
1035
01:25:15,842 --> 01:25:18,276
Right now famiries
are gathering in parks,
1036
01:25:18,511 --> 01:25:21,810
children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theatres.
1037
01:25:22,014 --> 01:25:26,644
All compretery unaware that the world
is about to change forever.
1038
01:25:26,886 --> 01:25:28,911
All because of me.
1039
01:25:31,324 --> 01:25:32,848
Stop that man.
1040
01:25:34,794 --> 01:25:36,284
Gary!
1041
01:25:36,529 --> 01:25:39,362
- Team America?
- Goddamn it.
1042
01:25:39,565 --> 01:25:41,692
Sorry to interrupt the show,
everyone, but Kim Jong II
1043
01:25:41,901 --> 01:25:44,096
is an international criminal.
We're here to arrest him.
1044
01:25:44,303 --> 01:25:46,134
Oh, no, you're not.
1045
01:25:46,372 --> 01:25:47,862
This is a peace conference.
1046
01:25:48,241 --> 01:25:50,937
And if you even try to touch
Kim Jong II,
1047
01:25:51,144 --> 01:25:54,875
this audience and I will rise up
against you.
1048
01:25:57,150 --> 01:25:58,879
Fuck off, Team America!
1049
01:25:59,118 --> 01:26:01,484
Team, there's no time.
You have to convince that audience
1050
01:26:01,687 --> 01:26:04,087
to let you do your job.
1051
01:26:05,491 --> 01:26:09,825
- Gary, you've got to take the stage.
- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
1052
01:26:10,062 --> 01:26:12,792
- He's the best actor in the world.
- You have to try.
1053
01:26:12,999 --> 01:26:15,900
- I'm not that good.
- Actually...
1054
01:26:16,402 --> 01:26:19,997
...you're the finest actor
I've ever met.
1055
01:26:27,380 --> 01:26:30,144
Come on, Gary, hurry.
You've got to act fast.
1056
01:26:34,387 --> 01:26:37,254
I know you all don't like Team America
a whole lot right now,
1057
01:26:37,790 --> 01:26:40,122
but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.
1058
01:26:43,663 --> 01:26:46,188
You can't outact me, boy.
Don't even try.
1059
01:26:46,799 --> 01:26:51,759
For the truth is that Team America
fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
1060
01:26:51,971 --> 01:26:57,341
They are just as bad
as the enemies they fight.
1061
01:27:00,079 --> 01:27:04,015
Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
1062
01:27:07,787 --> 01:27:10,847
We're reckless, arrogant,
stupid dicks.
1063
01:27:12,792 --> 01:27:16,853
And the Film Actors Guild
are pussies.
1064
01:27:18,297 --> 01:27:21,858
And Kim Jong II is an asshole.
1065
01:27:24,604 --> 01:27:29,041
Pussies don't like dicks,
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
1066
01:27:29,242 --> 01:27:33,110
But dicks also fuck assholes,
1067
01:27:33,346 --> 01:27:36,873
assholes who just wanna shit
on everything.
1068
01:27:37,083 --> 01:27:40,416
Pussies may think they can deal
with assholes their way.
1069
01:27:40,653 --> 01:27:42,746
But the only thing
that can fuck an asshole
1070
01:27:42,955 --> 01:27:46,186
is a dick with some balls.
1071
01:27:49,462 --> 01:27:53,091
The problem with dicks
is that sometimes they fuck too much.
1072
01:27:53,332 --> 01:27:57,826
- Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
- Yes, Gary, yes.
1073
01:27:58,137 --> 01:28:01,197
And it takes a pussy
to show them that.
1074
01:28:01,407 --> 01:28:03,637
But sometimes pussies
get so full of shit
1075
01:28:03,843 --> 01:28:06,573
that they become assholes
themselves.
1076
01:28:06,812 --> 01:28:10,009
Because pussies are only an
inch and a half away from assholes.
1077
01:28:12,118 --> 01:28:15,576
I don't know much
in this crazy, crazy world...
1078
01:28:15,788 --> 01:28:21,488
...but I do know that if you don't
let us fuck this asshole...
1079
01:28:21,694 --> 01:28:25,130
...we are gonna have our dicks
and our pussies...
1080
01:28:25,331 --> 01:28:28,323
...all covered in shit.
1081
01:28:43,983 --> 01:28:46,747
Show us what you're doing,
Kim Jong II.
1082
01:28:49,055 --> 01:28:51,023
Do something, Arec Barrwin!
1083
01:28:51,424 --> 01:28:55,383
The... Global warming and...
Corporate America...
1084
01:28:57,863 --> 01:28:59,797
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
1085
01:29:10,076 --> 01:29:13,477
Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treated
1086
01:29:13,713 --> 01:29:15,476
to a faburous show.
But now party's over.
1087
01:29:15,715 --> 01:29:17,876
- For I am the great Kim Jong II.
- Lisa.
1088
01:29:18,117 --> 01:29:21,848
And I am the greatest terrorist
ever to have rived.
1089
01:29:22,088 --> 01:29:23,851
Terrorize this.
1090
01:29:39,705 --> 01:29:41,605
- Lisa, are you okay?
- No, Gary, the countdown.
1091
01:29:41,841 --> 01:29:43,365
You have to stop it.
1092
01:29:43,576 --> 01:29:46,704
- What do I do?
- Hit the big "cancel" button!
1093
01:29:53,753 --> 01:29:56,051
- Gary, how did you manage this?
- Spottswoode helped me.
1094
01:29:56,255 --> 01:29:57,950
Spottswoode? He's alive?
1095
01:29:58,224 --> 01:30:01,955
Lisa, I'm crazy about you.
Will you please forgive me if I...?
1096
01:30:02,228 --> 01:30:05,823
You had me at
"dicks fuck assholes. "
1097
01:30:06,065 --> 01:30:08,863
Attention. Attention, everyone.
1098
01:30:09,068 --> 01:30:11,536
All you in the audience should go
to your homes now.
1099
01:30:11,771 --> 01:30:14,535
Your countries need you.
But the world will be safe,
1100
01:30:14,740 --> 01:30:18,642
thanks to a brilliant actor
named Gary Johnston.
1101
01:30:37,630 --> 01:30:41,088
Let me explain to you
the kind of man Gary is.
1102
01:30:41,300 --> 01:30:42,324
He's a man who knows
1103
01:30:42,535 --> 01:30:45,936
that when you put another man's cock
in your mouth, you make a pact.
1104
01:30:46,138 --> 01:30:47,503
A bond that cannot be broken.
1105
01:30:48,140 --> 01:30:51,075
He's a man so dedicated that
he will get down on his knees
1106
01:30:51,277 --> 01:30:53,245
and put that cock
right in his mouth.
1107
01:30:55,948 --> 01:30:57,677
Wait a minute. Look!
1108
01:31:02,722 --> 01:31:05,816
You have not heard the rast
of Kim Jong II.
1109
01:31:06,025 --> 01:31:08,152
I will return!
1110
01:31:08,994 --> 01:31:13,328
You shall see. I will be back!
1111
01:31:19,004 --> 01:31:21,973
So rong, earthrings!
1112
01:31:23,509 --> 01:31:26,171
We'll be here waiting for you,
Kim Jong II.
1113
01:31:26,378 --> 01:31:28,869
All right, you guys, I hate to break up
this little party,
1114
01:31:29,081 --> 01:31:30,878
but there's still a lot of bad guys
out there.
1115
01:31:31,083 --> 01:31:35,349
Well, then let's go show the bad guys
the police are back in force.
1116
01:31:35,588 --> 01:31:37,215
Fuck, yeah.
1117
01:31:37,423 --> 01:31:39,220
Fuck, yeah.
1118
01:31:40,192 --> 01:31:43,218
America
1119
01:31:43,462 --> 01:31:46,454
America
1120
01:31:46,699 --> 01:31:49,725
America
Fuck, yeah
1121
01:31:50,002 --> 01:31:52,562
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
1122
01:31:52,772 --> 01:31:55,536
America
Fuck, yeah
1123
01:31:55,741 --> 01:31:58,232
Freedom is the only way
Yeah
1124
01:31:58,477 --> 01:32:00,877
Terrorists, your game is through
1125
01:32:01,080 --> 01:32:03,947
'Cause now you have to answer to
1126
01:32:04,183 --> 01:32:06,378
America
Fuck, yeah
1127
01:32:06,585 --> 01:32:09,577
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
1128
01:32:09,789 --> 01:32:12,053
America
Fuck, yeah
1129
01:32:12,258 --> 01:32:16,217
What you gonna do
When we come for you now?
1130
01:32:16,428 --> 01:32:19,022
It's the dream that we all share
1131
01:32:19,231 --> 01:32:24,066
- It's the hope for tomorrow
- Fuck, yeah
1132
01:32:26,605 --> 01:32:28,004
- McDonald's
- Fuck, yeah
1133
01:32:28,207 --> 01:32:29,538
- Wal-Mart
- Fuck, yeah
1134
01:32:29,742 --> 01:32:30,868
- The Gap
- Fuck, yeah
1135
01:32:31,076 --> 01:32:32,407
- Baseball
- Fuck, yeah
1136
01:32:32,611 --> 01:32:33,669
- NFL
- Fuck, yeah
1137
01:32:33,879 --> 01:32:35,107
- Rock 'n' roll
- Fuck, yeah
1138
01:32:35,314 --> 01:32:36,542
- The Internet
- Fuck, yeah
1139
01:32:36,749 --> 01:32:39,240
- Slavery
- Fuck, yeah
1140
01:32:39,451 --> 01:32:40,440
Fuck, yeah
1141
01:32:47,526 --> 01:32:48,959
Everyone has AIDS
1142
01:32:49,161 --> 01:32:51,789
- My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1143
01:32:52,031 --> 01:32:54,693
- The pope has got it and so do you
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1144
01:32:54,900 --> 01:32:56,561
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
1145
01:32:56,769 --> 01:32:57,758
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
1146
01:32:57,970 --> 01:32:59,460
We're gonna break down
These barricades
1147
01:32:59,672 --> 01:33:01,902
Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1148
01:33:02,107 --> 01:33:04,541
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1149
01:33:04,743 --> 01:33:06,677
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
1150
01:33:06,879 --> 01:33:09,541
Freedom isn't free
1151
01:33:09,748 --> 01:33:13,741
It costs folks like you and me
1152
01:33:13,953 --> 01:33:20,688
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
1153
01:33:21,927 --> 01:33:24,725
Freedom isn't free
1154
01:33:24,930 --> 01:33:28,559
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
1155
01:33:28,767 --> 01:33:32,635
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five
1156
01:33:32,838 --> 01:33:35,739
Who will?
1157
01:33:36,942 --> 01:33:38,705
Buck o'five
1158
01:33:38,911 --> 01:33:44,042
Freedom costs a buck o'five
1159
01:33:45,017 --> 01:33:47,508
Only a woman
1160
01:33:47,720 --> 01:33:51,656
Can brighten up my day
1161
01:33:51,857 --> 01:33:54,189
Only a woman
1162
01:33:54,393 --> 01:33:58,557
Can touch me the right way
Yeah
1163
01:33:58,764 --> 01:34:00,891
Only a woman
1164
01:34:01,100 --> 01:34:05,332
Is allowed to touch me there
1165
01:34:05,537 --> 01:34:11,373
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
1166
01:34:12,311 --> 01:34:16,509
I'm so ronery
1167
01:34:16,715 --> 01:34:18,580
So ronery
1168
01:34:18,784 --> 01:34:22,618
So ronery and sadry arone
1169
01:34:22,821 --> 01:34:27,121
There's no one
Just me onry
1170
01:34:27,326 --> 01:34:31,023
Sitting on my rittle throne
1171
01:34:31,230 --> 01:34:35,428
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
1172
01:34:35,634 --> 01:34:39,695
But nobody ristens
No one understands
1173
01:34:39,905 --> 01:34:46,310
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
1174
01:34:46,512 --> 01:34:48,070
And so
1175
01:34:48,280 --> 01:34:51,647
I'm ronery
1176
01:34:51,850 --> 01:34:54,250
A rittle ronery
1177
01:34:54,453 --> 01:35:00,085
Poor rittle me
1178
01:35:10,336 --> 01:35:15,171
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
1179
01:35:15,374 --> 01:35:18,502
He was terrible in that film
1180
01:35:18,744 --> 01:35:23,340
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
1181
01:35:23,549 --> 01:35:27,645
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
1182
01:35:27,853 --> 01:35:34,258
All I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie too
1183
01:35:34,460 --> 01:35:36,985
Pearl Harbor sucked
1184
01:35:37,196 --> 01:35:41,599
And I miss you
1185
01:35:47,906 --> 01:35:54,209
Why does Michael Bay
Get to keep on making movies?
1186
01:35:54,413 --> 01:35:58,440
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
1187
01:35:59,051 --> 01:36:04,853
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
1188
01:36:11,864 --> 01:36:14,389
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
1189
01:36:14,600 --> 01:36:18,161
- Remind everyone of what's going on
- What's going on
1190
01:36:18,370 --> 01:36:20,998
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
1191
01:36:21,206 --> 01:36:23,674
To show it all would take too long
1192
01:36:23,876 --> 01:36:26,743
- That's called a montage
- Montage
1193
01:36:26,945 --> 01:36:30,506
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
1194
01:36:30,716 --> 01:36:36,655
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
1195
01:36:36,855 --> 01:36:39,221
- You need a montage
- Montage
1196
01:36:39,425 --> 01:36:43,657
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
1197
01:36:43,862 --> 01:36:49,391
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
1198
01:36:49,601 --> 01:36:52,263
If you fade out it seems like
More time has passed
1199
01:36:52,471 --> 01:36:56,532
I was sent from planet Gyron
To conquer the Earth
1200
01:36:56,742 --> 01:37:00,337
I had a terrific pran
I thought it would work
1201
01:37:00,546 --> 01:37:04,038
Tried to get the earthrings
All to kill each other, you see
1202
01:37:04,249 --> 01:37:08,549
But it all went wrong
And now I must decree
1203
01:37:08,754 --> 01:37:13,248
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
1204
01:37:13,459 --> 01:37:17,293
You failed in every way
And now my stock in you has farren
1205
01:37:17,496 --> 01:37:20,954
Your career is starring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
1206
01:37:21,166 --> 01:37:26,536
That's why I brew your head off
And your children are all bawring
1207
01:37:26,738 --> 01:37:31,038
Pranet Gyron is inhabited
With Zypods rike me
1208
01:37:31,243 --> 01:37:34,974
But also with Barmacks
Who are giant bees
1209
01:37:35,180 --> 01:37:38,775
The Zypods and the Barmacks
Are at constant war
1210
01:37:38,984 --> 01:37:43,478
So we wanted a new home
And that's what Earth was for
1211
01:37:43,689 --> 01:37:48,626
But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
1212
01:37:48,827 --> 01:37:50,260
You fucked up my whole pran
1213
01:37:50,462 --> 01:37:53,295
And now Gyron is smeared
With Barmack porren
1214
01:37:53,499 --> 01:37:57,230
Your garbage needs some hauring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
1215
01:37:57,436 --> 01:38:00,633
Now I must return home a failure
1216
01:38:00,839 --> 01:38:07,108
I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock
Is carring
98187
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