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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
Your mother put a phone
call in to you?
2
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,680
She said there aren't enough
phones on her wing.
3
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,800
Looks like Barbara's
back on privileges.
4
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:08,920
It's addressed to Eron.
5
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,680
If the prison can have a shufty,
then surely her own mother can?
6
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,200
I've got a no-nose saddle
to limit groin pain.
7
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,960
More cushion for the pushing!
8
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,920
You're basically having
a midlife crisis?
9
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,480
BELL RINGS
10
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,200
Do you think your usual saddle is
causing your erectile dysfunction?
11
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,160
I'm going to be a great granny!
Who's expecting?
12
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,280
SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY
13
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,520
Yeah!
14
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,000
Don't be rude to him, Tony.
Let's give him a second chance, yeah?
15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,920
Tenth chance, more like.
16
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,360
HE LAUGHS
Ahh!
17
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,800
Hey! Oh! All right, sis?
18
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,960
THEY LAUGH
Oh!
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,840
Oh! Eron! Uncle Fatdraic's here.
Oh, yeah.
20
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,400
I've got a special
something for him.
21
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,320
Oh, making up for lost time, eh?
22
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:58,680
DOG WHINES
Yeah.
23
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,320
Er, sorry about all that, V.
24
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,240
Fresh start. Thanks for having
a word with the boss man.
25
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,400
I'm on the bones of my arse here.
26
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:09,480
Right! What do you think of
that little cute-alert, eh, V?
27
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,000
PONY WHINNIES
28
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,840
What's Eron meant to do with that?
I don't know. Go hunting?
29
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,320
The horse could ride him.
You're about ten years too late.
30
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,720
Has it really been that long?
He's not a kid any more. Ey!
31
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,120
THEY LAUGH
32
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,600
Oh, look at you, lad! Oh, look
at you! He's going to be a dad.
33
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:33,160
Oh, well done, mate. Well done.
Hey, this is your birthday present.
34
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,560
PONY HUFFS
35
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,000
Thanks, Uncle Fatdraic. Hey!
Great Uncle Fatdraic!
36
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,920
Charlie, heel! Charlie, heel!
37
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,120
Charlie, heel! Oops.
Yes, careful, Charlie.
38
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,280
Charlie, heel.
39
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,680
DOG BARKS
No, Charlie, heel!
40
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:05,960
No, Charlie, heel!
41
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,520
DOG BARKS
Charlie! Heel!
42
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,120
Charlie, heel!
43
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,160
Charlie, heel!
44
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,880
PONY HUFFS
45
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,080
DOG YAPS
46
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:25,840
Ow!
47
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,800
Do you still take sugar? I put
two in just in case. I take three.
48
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,520
Where are the biscuits? Oh,
sorry, they are a bit crumbly.
49
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,960
We got two kilo from
the car booty. Broken.
50
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,600
Oh, don't go spoiling me, eh(?)
51
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,080
Oh, well. There were two whole ones,
but Tony snaffled those, so...
52
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,960
DOG YAPS
53
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,280
John Pruddah's going to
pay me on Friday.
54
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,080
Do you want me to take him out
55
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,880
with my day-care lot?
He doesn't like dogs.
56
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,640
And I don't want him spoilt neither.
57
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,440
DOG BARKS
58
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,560
Hey!
HE WHISTLES
59
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,280
Daddy's rules, is it?
60
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,000
DOG BARKS
61
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,560
DOGS ALL BARK
62
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,240
Charlie, come!
63
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:26,240
Hello, Granny Singh.
Well, it's not... Not yet.
64
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,800
It's just a cluster of cells
at present, really, isn't it?
65
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,120
A little toggle of love
proving in our Jas's cooker.
66
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,160
Do you really think they
should be going ahead with it?
67
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,440
Think long-term. Well, Jasmine
is very bright, you know.
68
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,160
Charlie!
69
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,240
With them starting so young,
you could make great-granny and
70
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,040
I could make great-great granny.
71
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,040
Well, the world is suffering
exponential overpopulation.
72
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,240
Somebody has got to stop breeding.
73
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,600
Try telling this lot that.
They are at it big time.
74
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,320
That one is this one's uncle.
75
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,640
That one is that one's sister.
76
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,480
This one is that one's first cousin.
77
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,360
And their uncle.
And she is two years younger.
78
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,600
No, they don't call it the insular
peninsular for nothing. Charlie!
79
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:08,840
Come here, you little...
80
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,040
Sorry, I think he's a
bit afraid of your horse.
81
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,400
I don't think so. That's
just his hunting instinct.
82
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,760
He's out there trying to
catch you twos your dinner.
83
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,520
Well, I don't eat seagull.
He doesn't know that.
84
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,200
Charlie, come here!
85
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:22,880
Oh, please, can you help?
86
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,920
Not with you trying to get rid of my
great-grandchild. Me no cooperativio.
87
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,080
Please?
88
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,320
SHE WHISTLES
89
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,800
DOG BARKS
90
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,640
What's your mother put my name on
this visiting order for? Oh, come on.
91
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,440
Please take us, Nana.
92
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,640
Me and Jas want to tell
Mum about the baby ourselves.
93
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,680
I don't like her
and she doesn't like me.
94
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,120
Yeah, but we've got to go
with someone over 18.
95
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,240
And you said family is everything.
96
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,520
Well, I'll take you when
I've lost a couple of pounds
97
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,520
and can get out of the van.
I'm sorry to say this to him, love,
98
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,520
but the baby could be having its 21st
birthday do before that happens.
99
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,560
Ask your Uncle Fatdraic to take you.
100
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,400
Oh, he won't be interested, unless
there's a bit of skirt involved.
101
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,760
Hey, look at this, Tone.
She's changed her name to Percy.
102
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,600
Mm, it's after her favourite poet.
Percy "Pysshe" Shelley.
103
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,320
You either get God or poetry
when you're inside.
104
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,680
What was wrong with Barbara?
105
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,880
She said Percy Pysshe
is inspirational.
106
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,360
She always had ideas
above her station.
107
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,360
We all lust after a Damon Daybreak
Class A petrol V8 vortex engine
108
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,000
on a workhorse chassis.
109
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,120
But we don't all
help ourselves to one
110
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,000
from a caravan park in sunny Rhyl.
I blame your brother.
111
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,520
Oh, now, he was always
a bad influence on her.
112
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,800
Still, her highfalutin ways
have gotten her
113
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:47,720
all the way from
Class A to Category B.
114
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,520
She is his mum.
115
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,120
Worse luck.
116
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,640
Put the dogs in with him, Tone.
117
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,400
They'll cheer him up.
118
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,320
Come on, then. Come with me.
119
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,000
Research has shown
that chemistry graduates
120
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,240
are amongst the highest earners
across the board,
121
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,600
whichever field they work in.
122
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,280
I'm rubbish at chemistry.
Well, no, no, no.
123
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,520
No, cooking is chemistry -
weighing, measuring, timing,
124
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,440
those are all scientific exercises
and you're brilliant at that.
125
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,680
It's not rising!
126
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,240
Baking, in particular,
where X on Y causes Z,
127
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:32,760
that's a chemical reaction.
128
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,040
Oh. I think you've had it
on grill setting.
129
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,680
Oh! Never mind.
130
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,120
It's probably best not to
have a cake in the house,
131
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,200
with Dad away on his trip.
Who's going to eat it?
132
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,200
I just want to take Eron's
mum something special.
133
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,680
Celebrate the baby.
134
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,440
Jasmine, I don't want you exposed
to the prison environment.
135
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,840
I work with prisoners myself
136
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,520
and there are all sorts of
very, very frightening people.
137
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,960
But she's our baby's granny.
Jasmine...
138
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,640
you're not even 17. Is this the sort
of choice you want to be making?
139
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,440
I could do cupcakes instead. Oh!
140
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,040
You're not allowed to take food
into prisons. Why not?
141
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,880
Well, you could smuggle
all sorts of things in a cake.
142
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,280
You know, razor blades, files,
mobile telephone.
143
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,000
Wouldn't the crumbs
get into the charger hole?
144
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,240
You see?
You have got a science brain.
145
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,880
They probably wrap it in clingfilm,
but, you know, even so,
146
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,000
Jasmine, will you please
just promise me
147
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,600
that you will have a serious
think about all of this?
148
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,960
Having a child could ruin your life.
149
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,720
It didn't ruin yours.
150
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,160
It did, actually.
151
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,160
Oh.
152
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,960
Oh, Jasmine!
153
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,120
I didn't mean it like that.
154
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,560
DOG WHINES
155
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,840
Oh.
156
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,600
DOG WHINES
157
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:02,080
Eron? I've got something for
the baby from the Roy Castle
158
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,640
Lung Foundation shop. Oh, look!
Aren't they diddy? Oh, thanks, Nana!
159
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:09,960
Oh, they're so cute. Dinner! Hey!
160
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,480
I was going to make carrot and swede
mash. Ah, that's just the ticket.
161
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,440
PHONE RINGS
162
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,880
Oh! Hello, Nana V for all
your dogging needs.
163
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,440
I hope you've not caught that
from John Pruddah's land.
164
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:21,760
Roadkill.
165
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,560
It's the proverbial duck that
didn't get off its arse.
166
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,640
Bit like you, Tone!
167
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,440
So why's it got shot in it,
then? Oh, here he is!
168
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,640
Here you go, son.
169
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,120
I don't have to pluck that, do I?
Yeah, yeah, go on.
170
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,400
But I want to go and practice.
171
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,520
You never know when you might
need your country ways, lad.
172
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,280
Oh, thanks. He'll be made up.
173
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,840
Eron, not only are you
going to be a great dad...
174
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,440
..but...
175
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,480
you've got a trial
at Finch Farm! Ha-ha!
176
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,760
Congratulations, son!
177
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,480
Well done. Well done, lad.
DOGS HOWL
178
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,480
Hey!
THUD, DOG WHIMPERS
179
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,720
Hey! There's no need for that!
180
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,120
Are you all right there, pet?
181
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,880
DOG WHIMPERS
182
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,200
Hey.
183
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,040
There's a little something I picked
up in the fields. For the sauce.
184
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:11,240
You can put those straight on the
midden. They're only 'shrooms.
185
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,600
This is a drug-free caravan.
186
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,200
You can't be a professional
footballer and be on that stuff.
187
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,400
And bring that poor cur in,
will you? Hey!
188
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:25,120
I don't want Spike turning
into a wussy little milquetoast.
189
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,560
Oh, that's our father talking.
How would you know?
190
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,200
Tucked up safe and sound.
I was in the kiddies homes.
191
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,440
Yeah, while I put up with
his belt this live long day.
192
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,800
Listen, it's the rock
and the hard place,
193
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,640
so all I've done is make
a good life for myself.
194
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:38,880
DOGS WHINE
195
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,560
HE LAUGHS
196
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,560
Yeah. Yeah, you have, eh? Yeah.
197
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,040
In a leaky van with
Ten-Ton-Tony, here?
198
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,040
And a lad who's kidding
himself he's Wayne Rooney?
199
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,280
I've had enough of you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
200
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,640
Sit down.
201
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,200
'Draicy, 'Draicy, please, please.
202
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,280
It's all right. I'm OK.
Eron doesn't need this.
203
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,200
So, what shall we drink to?
204
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,120
Family.
205
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,760
DOGS HOWL AND WHINE
206
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,600
Right, OK, everybody.
207
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,760
I'm looking for somebody who's got a
lovely relationship with their dog.
208
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,480
Mrs Turner, could I ask you to come
out with Elsa, there?
209
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,440
That's it. Look at that
expression.
210
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,960
Look at that sense of devotion
and attachment.
211
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,840
OK, Mrs Turner, in your own time,
212
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:41,080
if you could just take Elsa through
the "come, sit down, wait" sequence.
213
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,960
Beautiful. There's you down.
214
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,720
And you wait...
215
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,480
..and you come. Lovely, yeah.
216
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,960
She deserves a round of applause for
that. Smashing. On your feet, class.
217
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,640
So, if you can just work
on the sit and down.
218
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,440
Sit!
THEY CHATTER
219
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,680
Come on, then. Charlie, come.
220
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,960
OK. Charlie, lie down.
221
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,080
Charlie, lie down.
222
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,600
No, I mean, we haven't really
covered this, haven't we?
223
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,160
You should have done this in your
homework, I'm afraid.
224
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,280
Yeah, I'm on my own at home,
now, as you well know,
225
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,600
with my husband away on his
round-the-world trip.
226
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,280
I've got quite a lot
to think about.
227
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,520
OK. Class, sorry.
228
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,880
Would everyone's mind sitting
back down again, please?
229
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,560
No, not you, Mrs Singh.
You stay here.
230
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,080
If you would like to just go
back to basics?
231
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,440
Er, no, not really. Thank you.
232
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,760
You don't want the dog to improve?
Well, it's not that.
233
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,480
But if it's all the same,
I'd rather not.
234
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,800
Yeah, I think what your problem is
here is that you feel that the
235
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,760
dog is going to make you look a bit
of a meff in front of everyone else.
236
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,520
Is that right? No, no, no.
All the same, I'd just rather not.
237
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:53,280
Whereas, in fact, Mrs Singh is going
to look more of a meff, isn't she?
238
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,520
If she doesn't have a go.
239
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,120
Yes. Mm.
240
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,000
All right, what you want to do?
241
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,000
OK, Mrs Singh. Right,
in your own time.
242
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,440
Now? I did say in your own time,
243
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,280
but if you'd like me to
count you in,
244
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,960
I'm very happy to do so.
All right. OK.
245
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,600
Three, two, one.
246
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,840
Erm... Charlie, come!
247
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,560
Charlie, come!
248
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,160
Keep the optimism up there.
Charlie, come!
249
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,000
Yeah, you're losing faith, there,
Mrs Singh. Charlie, come!
250
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,200
Give that one more go.
I was just about to.
251
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,680
Charlie, come!
Take that a couple of notes lower.
252
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,720
IN DEEP VOICE: Charlie, come!
253
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,240
Charlie, come! Charlie, come!
254
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,760
Charlie, come! Charlie, come!
255
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,280
Charlie, come! Charlie, come!
256
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,000
IN EXASPERATED VOICE: Charlie, come!
257
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,640
Very good. Well done, Charlie.
OK, Mrs Singh. Take your seat.
258
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,280
Erm, advanced recall.
259
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,120
Now, it's very important that your
dog, when you go out for a walk,
260
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,120
doesn't think that he's got to go
hunting for your dinner.
261
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,760
So, can you take out
your whole chickens?
262
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,240
DOGS WHINE
263
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,000
Nobody told me
to bring a whole chicken!
264
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,680
CAR REVS
265
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,840
TYRES SCREECH
266
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,640
Ravi, you're not making any sense.
Hey! Hey!
267
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,560
What are you saying? You might not
come home after your trip?
268
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,960
'I just need to think about things.'
269
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,160
Well, can't you think at home?
270
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,280
'Actually, no.'
271
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,680
Are you say you might never come
back? 'Not sure.
272
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,360
'I'm feeling quite confused...'
273
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,320
Sorry to be a pain
in the proverbials, madam.
274
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,560
Is this about becoming
a grandfather, Ravi?
275
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,640
'No! No, I... I need to spend
some time with Dennis.'
276
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,240
You're going to have to go round
the back drive. Denis? Why?
277
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,240
I've got a few more holes to fill.
You're not...? 'No, no.'
278
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,400
Ravi, I am struggling to take
this in right now.
279
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,120
I cannot have this conversation.
Enjoy Langkawi.
280
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,680
Mrs? No, please.
281
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,360
I'm not going half a mile out
of my way just to suit a workman.
282
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,680
Stand back, please.
283
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,800
Oh, yeah, that's right!
284
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,840
Ride roughshod all over my slag
aggregate.
285
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,160
DOG BARKS
286
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,600
I mean, basically,
I didn't see it coming.
287
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,880
He doesn't like classical sculpture,
he doesn't like Opera,
288
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,960
he doesn't like anything beautiful.
289
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,960
And then I discover that he's hurled
himself out of the closet
290
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,680
with...
291
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:33,520
..with... with a ride buddy
from Barnoldswick called Dennis.
292
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,480
Cheers.
293
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,240
You in a relationship?
I'm married. Are you?
294
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,280
Yeah, 15 years. Are you?
295
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:41,760
Erm, 19 years, but, basically,
296
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,320
he hasn't had an erection for the
last 3-and-a-half, so...
297
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,040
DOG BARKS
298
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,360
To my knowledge.
299
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,920
But, I mean that is, sort of, usual
for a man of 50-odd, is it?
300
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,160
I mean, does your husband ever...?
Has he ever...?
301
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,720
DOG BARKS
302
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,040
Could you control your
dog please, madam?
303
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,200
DOG BARKS
He won't come back.
304
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,760
SHE CHUCKLES
305
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,680
Good girl, No Name. Good girl.
306
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:13,920
Eron!
307
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,720
Grandad's fallen into
a diabetic coma,
308
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,440
you're supposed to be watching him.
309
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,680
Give over.
310
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,480
Mm. That looks nice.
311
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,000
Foolproof.
Rice Krispie cakes. Mm.
312
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,160
Yummy. Yeah.
Percy sent us the recipe.
313
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,760
In rhyme.
314
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,760
"Take syrup, Rice Krispies and nuts.
315
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,360
"This cake will enlighten your guts.
316
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,120
"Melt it and mix it
and chop it and fix it
317
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,320
"and store in the fridge till it...
318
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,840
..sets."
319
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,120
The original Percy would be
pissed off with that one.
320
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,880
Are those for your mam, Eron?
Er, yeah.
321
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,920
Come on, Tony.
You're going to get sofa sores.
322
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,560
Stand up and I'll pummel your bum.
323
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,080
HE GRUNTS
324
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,400
HE SIGHS
325
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,280
Right, I'll catch you later, then?
326
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,520
Save some for me. Don't be late.
327
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,520
You're taking these two to the
prison tomorrow. Yeah, right.
328
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,760
Oh! That's some thirsty work,
that, Tony.
329
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,880
Do you want a cup of tea?
Oh, go on. Twist my arm.
330
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,720
Oof!
331
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:39,280
Hey, No Name, what about a little
bit of Rice Krispie cake, eh?
332
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,120
Spike! Spike! Wait. Wait.
333
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,640
DOG WHINES
334
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,200
Could I have another double, please?
335
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,280
Sorry, would you like one yourself?
Thanks very much.
336
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,280
I'll have a small Scotch, please.
337
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,480
Sorry, do I know you?
338
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,880
You're the wild woman that
flattened my comb.
339
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,520
Oh, I'm so sorry.
340
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,200
Oh, well, then I owe you far more
than just a measly drink. Yeah,
341
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,880
well, maybe we can come to some
arrangement.
342
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,280
Oh, would crisps help?
343
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,000
Salt and vinegar?
344
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,800
Can I have a Scotch as well, please?
And make it a double for my...
345
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,600
Sorry, I don't know your name.
Fatdraic.
346
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,160
It's like, er, Patrick, but with
an F. Oh.
347
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,480
Oh, you're not overweight.
348
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,760
I was a butterball baby.
349
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,480
The name stuck.
350
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,640
Mm.
351
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,800
Well, you're all man now.
352
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,520
Hm.
353
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,480
So... Your marriage
is in trouble, is it?
354
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,560
Right then No Name.
355
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,120
Come 'ead. Walk!
356
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,200
This dog's knackered.
357
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,760
Hey, Jas, before you put them away,
give one to Tony, will ya?
358
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,520
They're for Mum. What?!
359
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,840
You are crackers!
The dogs'll sniff them out.
360
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,360
Nah, they can't afford the dogs
no more, Nana. It's always the wand.
361
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:15,040
I got through with a bit of
carrot cake stuffed down my kecks
last time.
362
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,720
Well, you were very lucky.
363
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,040
The spaniel would have had your
clackers off for a slice of that.
364
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,760
Oh, please, Nana. Let us try.
I want Percy to like me.
365
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,920
Well, all right.
It's only a teatime treat, I suppose.
366
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,520
But, when it's drugs,
they take you into a side room
367
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,680
and the lady screw, built
like a brick shit house,
368
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,120
pulls down your pants, makes you
squat over a mirror
369
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,560
before she puts the gloves on.
370
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:36,800
Fact.
371
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,680
Right, come on, dopey drawers.
372
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,080
I'm going to have to carry
you around the field.
373
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,480
Eh, erm...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
374
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,800
..it might not be wise to get
behind the wheel
375
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,280
of your fine motor car,
at this precise moment.
376
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,520
No, it's not far, I will be fine.
377
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,720
HE SIGHS
378
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,680
Ohhh!
379
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,040
HORN BEEPS
380
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,600
Wait...
381
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,000
I had... I had a dog. Did I...
Did I have a dog? So you did.
382
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,400
HE WHISTLES
383
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,840
DOG BARKS
384
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,720
Oh, Charlie!
385
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,600
Charlie! Oh.
386
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:30,840
SHE SIGHS
387
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,440
How did you do that? You know
how to whistle, don't you?
388
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,760
No, I can't whistle. Look...
389
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,000
WHEEZING
390
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,640
Oh.
391
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,280
No, I can do it.
392
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,760
We're going to have to do something
about that, aren't we? To the beach.
393
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,120
Oh, shit. It's all right,
I'll get them.
394
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,000
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
395
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,000
Isn't it wonderful?
The sunset over all the...
396
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,000
..things. Indeed.
397
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,720
DOGS BARK
398
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:14,760
So, do you suck in or blow out?
Ladies' prerogative.
399
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,480
Oh.
400
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:21,760
Like this, OK?
401
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,280
HE WHISTLES
402
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,600
DOGS BARK
403
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,480
That is amazing. They just want to
know who's boss. How do you do that?
404
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,640
SHE LAUGHS
405
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,920
OK. Relax your phizog for a moment.
I am going to pucker you up.
406
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,240
Now, stick the tip of
your tongue forward.
407
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,160
Very good.
408
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,160
So... What do I do now?
409
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,720
Just put your lips together.
410
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,440
HORSE SNICKERS
411
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,440
Well, can't Mrs Singh take you?
412
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,440
She's not picking up.
413
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,520
That bloody brother of mine.
414
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:17,880
ERON SIGHS
415
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,400
All right, I'll drive yous.
Oh, thanks, Nana.
416
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,000
But I'm not coming in.
417
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,440
Text Fatdraic.
Tell him we'll meet him there.
418
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,960
No Name! Come on! Good girl.
419
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,320
Come on, Eron.
420
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:38,680
Is Percy really going to appreciate
Rice Krispies fished out
of your grundies?
421
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,440
Nana, you said yourself,
they're just a teatime treat.
422
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,840
Hiya, honey.
423
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,000
Can you give the visitors order to
Miss Pursglove, here.
424
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,040
Actually, I'm not going in, it's
his great-uncle Fatdraic.
425
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,880
Fatdraic Feeny.
Just waiting on him now.
426
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,640
Do you want to pop any mobile phones
and chewing gum you might have
427
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,240
in one of the lockers for us.
428
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,080
How's she doing?
429
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:15,080
It's a shame she's on
basic, but you know.
430
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,160
I'm sure next time you
come she'll be enhanced.
431
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,440
You reckon? Yeah.
432
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,720
You going to be much longer?
433
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,920
You've only got 20 minutes
till visits end.
434
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,440
We've only got 20 minutes.
Ah, where have you been?
435
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:25,840
Jasmine, this is not a good idea,
436
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,880
but if you insist on going ahead
with this visit,
437
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,520
then I'm coming in with you.
You're not on the visitors order.
438
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,360
No I've got clearance. I'm in and
out of here on a regular basis on
Future'Z business.
439
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,480
Erm... Hello, Sarah.
Hello, Mrs Singh. Hello
440
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,200
Did you come with my brother?
Oh, she certainly did.
441
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,440
Your brother?!
442
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,440
You know he's got a wife and
three kids in the Ring of Kerry.
443
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,320
Yes! Yes, I did.
444
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:49,320
Just thought you should know
that, if you've kopped off.
445
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,840
No, no, we haven't. There's
been no....full kopping.
446
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,360
Could I have the key,
please, er, Sarah?
447
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,200
I got to keep it in the family
448
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,720
I have to keep it in the family...
449
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:08,520
Sorry, do you mind? I've got a bit
of a headache. I want I want...
450
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,040
BUZZING
DOOR UNLOCKS
451
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:20,440
BEEPING
452
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,760
BUZZING
453
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,640
Oh, we'll need to wait
here for the airlock.
454
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,200
Oh, well you've been here before,
haven't you? So you know all this.
455
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,680
BUZZING
456
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,640
This isn't the time or place, Eron,
457
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,120
and I know I'm not the greatest role
model,
458
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,120
but keep it in your trousers, lad.
459
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,600
Oh, no, no, no. It's not that.
It's just...
460
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,520
I've got me mum's cakes
stuck in my zip.
461
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,680
Ah, erm, listen, kids,
something's come up.
462
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,720
She can take it from here.
I'll catch you later.
463
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,120
Ta-ra, V.
464
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,800
Oh, er, tell John Pruddah he can get
someone else to finish the job.
465
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,520
Now you've poached another pocket
you're off, are you?
466
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,000
Well, it doesn't matter if
you're a fox or a hound,
467
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,240
when the horn blows you
better start running.
468
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,640
That's bollocks. You
were always chicken.
469
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:37,760
Tell Percy to enjoy the cakes, eh?
470
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,640
See ya.
471
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,160
DOG BARKS
472
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:46,760
Oh, shit.
473
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,320
Mr Handler, sir!
Is your dog on duty today?
474
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,200
Yeah. Hi, erm...
475
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,320
Could I just say hello to your dog?
476
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,720
Would you mind leaving him
alone please, madam?
477
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,000
I'm a professional myself.
478
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,400
He's working. I don't want him
overexcited, or he won't
be able to do his job.
479
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,960
I was brought up in childrens'
homes, so dogs are my life.
480
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,200
No, leave him alone, please.
He has a job to do.
481
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,120
He's absolutely gorgeous.
Thank you.
482
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,120
You both are. Well, thanks very much.
483
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,480
Thanks for your flattery, but you're
still not stroking the dog.
484
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,320
Don't worry. If I can stroke you, I
don't have to stroke the dog, do I?
485
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,360
I think that's inappropriate,
as well.
486
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,960
SHE LAUGHS
Hey, hey! What's his name?
487
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,200
Colin.
488
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,440
Hello, Colin! Hello!
489
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:29,720
DOG BARKS
490
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,600
Madam, would you stop
doing that, please?
491
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,360
You're just getting him overexcited.
492
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,560
Listen, I don't...
493
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,440
I never do this, but...
494
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:40,840
..well, I just wondering...
495
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,800
Would you like to go for a drink?
496
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,200
You'll really have to excuse me.
497
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,040
Oh! I didn't mean it like that.
Thank you. Bye.
498
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,040
But my van's just here.
We could just...
499
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,760
The seats go back and everything.
500
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,840
BUZZING
That's green.
501
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,400
Eron, son, hold the door,
hold the door!
502
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:05,520
Thanks for coming, Nana.
503
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,840
You're not going to believe this,
that bloody brother...
504
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,440
GATE CLANGS
505
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,960
Eron! Missy get those
cakes out your baps.
506
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,960
And you, get that bulge
out your trousers, now!
507
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,280
No, I made them special. You take
them out right now, young lady!
508
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,320
Come on. Eron, just do as
I say. Get those...
509
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:21,360
Can't you control her?
510
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,360
I made them special.
What's the problem?
511
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,360
They're carrying cakes and they're
spiked. Get them out now!
512
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,000
I will not! No, I made them special.
Get them out.
513
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,760
SHE WHISTLES
514
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,400
Get those out now.
515
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,920
Right, Mrs Singh.
516
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,400
What? You and I,
we're going on a trip.
517
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,920
SLOW PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC
518
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,600
SHE CACKLES
519
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,200
Go on, get in babe.
520
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,440
What a wonderfully handsome dog,
Mrs F.
521
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,160
If you look in her left eye...
522
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,120
..you can see the
whole of the cosmos.
523
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:52,760
Ooh.
524
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,160
And in her right?
525
00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,400
Is Dennis in there?
526
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,040
PONY NEIGHS
527
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,960
THEY SNORE
40047
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