All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E24_English

I promise, this will only take a second.

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my gosh! What's the occasion?

I can't believe
you don't remember what today is.

I know what today is.

I wouldn't forget
an important day like today.

-It's...
-The anniversary...

The anniversary...

-Of...
-Of...

-The day...
-The day...

I can't take this anymore.

I can't take this anymore...

Stan, it's our anniversary.

Remember when you joined
our family three years ago?

Of course I do.

It was the most special day of my life.

Along with my wedding day
and the day my puppies were born.

And the day I felt bad
because I forgot our anniversary.

That's today.

We got you presents.

Your favorite dog treats.

And a new chew toy.

Oh, thanks, guys.

This is fantastic!

I'm going to start chewing him right now.

( toy squeaks )

Oh, hello, Robert.

This just got very awkward.

So now the credit card company is saying
that a piano was charged to my card.

I didn't buy a piano. Did you buy a piano?

Of course I didn't buy a piano.
Why would I buy a piano?

And where is this piano?

STAN: Come on, move out of the way.

I need to get the kids'
anniversary present upstairs.

And this keeps happening.

Who keeps charging
these things to our card?

Listen, I'm as confused
by all these charges are you are.

I mean, a hang-glider,

two hundred pounds of bacon,

a subscription to Poodle Lovers magazine?

-You're the impulse shopper!
-( rope tearing )

Oh, no. The rope
is starting to break. ( barks )

Not now, Stan.
We're having a problem with a piano.

It's going to fall on you!
Get out of the way!

Are you okay, honey?

I think so, are you--

Did... Stan just talk?

Uh, no.

I mean, woof.

He did it again.

Yeah, the kids reacted
pretty much the same way

when they found out.

( theme music playing )

You've talked this whole time?

Yes.

All those times we heard someone talking,

like on Halloween, that was you?

Yes. And will you stop poking me?

Wait, were you the voice I heard
whispering from the kitchen

telling me to eat more cake?

No, I'm the voice that whispers,
"Make a steak."

But I guess you hear
what you want to hear.

And Ian.

When he said you were a talking dog
he wasn't crazy.

Nope. Just evil.
And a little ticklish.

But evil ticklish.

You tickle him and he goes...

( evil laugh )

Gracie, Freddy.

Bennett and Ellen know.

It's okay to talk to them now.

Hi, Gammaw and Gamps.

I eat rabbit poop in the yard.

The puppies talk, too?

And they call me "Gammaw"?

Where's the cake?

Well, once you learned I can talk,

is it really such a surprise
about the puppies?

( laughs ) Crazy, huh, Robert?

Robert talks, too?

Does he call me "Gammaw?"

So after all these years,
Bennett and Ellen finally found out.

I have to say, I'm relieved the pressure
of keeping the secret is finally off.

TOGETHER: You write a blog, too?

-Hey, kids.
-How was school?

-Great.
-Good.

I don't go to school anymore.

So there's nothing
you want to tell us about?

No secret you think
it might be time to share?

-Nope.
-Nothing.

I didn't go to school today either.

See? I told you guys.

The kids would never
keep a secret from you.

-You were right, Stan.
-Yeah. Should've listened to you.

-What do we do?
-I don't know!

I'm pretty sure they can hear
everything we're saying!

Of course they can!
We're standing right behind them!

So, the dog talks.

Kinda weird.

You guys are terrible at this.

How did you keep this a secret
from us for three years?

You have no idea what we went through.

Tricking your book editor...

Donating all the Christmas presents...

And I delivered puppies
as a French doctor.

( speaking French )

TOGETHER: You speak French?

So how long are we gonna stand here?

I made a sandwich.

I wouldn't even be freaking out like this

over Tyler speaking French
if I weren't so off balance

because the dog talks!

Why did you kids never tell us about this?

We were afraid you'd send
Stan away to be experimented on.

It's been our biggest fear.

Kids, listen, I guess I can understand
why you would be concerned about that.

But don't worry.

Now that we see how important
Stan is to you,

we would never let anything
like that happen.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, Mom.

Uh, Stan is a pretty special dog,
isn't he?

You know, it's because of Stan

that the three of us
have become such good friends

over these last few years.

Yeah, I pretty much raised them.

You're welcome.

Excuse me, Robert. I need some coffee.

Mom, Robert doesn't actually talk.

He's just Stan's chew toy.

Well, how am I supposed to know what talks
and what doesn't talk around here?

Does the coffee maker talk?

Maybe. I don't know!

I do talk, Ellen.

I also do espresso.

( gasps )

Nah, that was just me.

I also throw my voice a little.

Karl! Great news!

Stan, wait--

I'm too happy to wait.

Bennett and Ellen know I can talk
and they are totally cool with it!

Stan, my father is back
from the space station.

That's great, Karl.

And he's fixing my TV.

I was in space on a top secret mission
searching for alien life.

What a surprise that when
I finally encountered it,

it would be in my son's shed.

I believe he prefers to call it his lair,

and I realize that should
probably not be my take-away

from what you just said.

I can't believe those guys
from the space program

took us out of our house.

And put us in this exact copy of our house
so they could observe us.

Why are they doing this?

I think they want to observe us
in our natural habitat.

There's nothing natural about it.

There's only one channel on this TV.

That's us.

They have us on closed circuit TV.

Still, a family with a talking dog?
That's a good show!

Well, I am not just going to sit here
and let them do this to us.

Hey! Hey, you let us out of here!

No force field's gonna keep me back!

Hey, come on!

-Hey, guys!
-( all yelling )

You can't do this...

( all yelling )

Knockedy. Knockedy.

What do you want with us, Colonel Fink?

Stan and the puppies are clearly aliens.

What other explanation
can there be for their talking?

So they are now property
of the U.S. Space Command

Secret Aliens Division.

-We at the SAD--
-Sad?

We used to be, but now we found aliens.

We will study them
and question them to find out

what planet they are
from and why they're here.

You can't do this!

We can and we will.

The SAD will be able
to get budget increases.

We'll finally get a foosball
table for the break room.

First game!

You guys heard that.

How long are you going to keep us for?

You aliens will never be set free.

The rest of you must be kept here

until we can determine
if you're aliens, too.

And if you're willing to keep our plans
for a foosball table secret.

We don't want those weasels
at Health and Human Services whining,

"They got one, why can't we have one?"

So, Stan, tell me.

What planet are you from?

Clearly you're not an earth dog.
Earth dogs don't talk.

They do if they time traveled
from a future

where all animals talk and humans are kept
as pets and duckways.

What's a duckway?

About four pounds.

What? Up top!

If you give us treats,

we'll tell you everything we know.

Very good then.

One, two, three, four, five.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

A cow says "Mooo."

A sheep says "Baaaa."

That's everything we know.

I can't believe
you fell for "duckway."

That's such a henfer.

-What's a henfer?
-Laying eggs.

Woo! Up top!

I don't do well in captivity.

Little known fact about me,

as a child, I was trapped
in the aviary at the zoo.

I spent a weekend in there
before anyone noticed.

It was hawk-ward.

( chuckles ) Good one, Ellen.

If we don't get out of here,
that could be my final "good one."

If only I could believe that were true.

We just found out about
the dogs talking ourselves.

And that they were charging
things to our credit card.

I gave 1,000 dollars to a charity
called "Bacon Wrapped Cats."

Oh, I'm taking the deduction.
But what is that?

I'm getting nowhere with you.

I'm going to interrogate the girls.

Oh, I think the girls went off
to the bathroom.

Those toilets are fake.

Girls, the toilets are fake!

AVERY: Information that would've been
good to have five minutes ago!

CHLOE: This show's taking a weird turn!

Colonel Fink,
we'll be taking over here.

I believe these papers make it clear
that the Army now has jurisdiction.

( gasps ) My foosball table.

I was going to paint faces on the players
to look like the gang at Space Command.

It's not weird.

We will be using Stan to breed
a commando force of talking dogs,

which will have the unique ability
to infiltrate behind enemy lines.

Now I'm conflicted.

On the one hand, I want my freedom.

On the other hand,
commanding a talking dog army.

I could finally use my commando crawl.

Thusly.

Imagine a whole army
coming at you like this.

All right, men, let's get set up.

Not so fast.

We'll be taking over here.

I believe these papers make it clear
that I now have jurisdiction.

My secret dog army.

We wasted five years
and four trillion dollars

perfecting camouflage poop bags.

( all muttering )

Ian, what are you doing here?

Thought you'd seen
the last of me, did you?

Well, I was able to convince
the government

to fund my talking animal research.

Actually, it's a line item
in 1,000 page omnibus bill

that no one's read, but I have my funding.

And funding for these poop bags
with my face on them.

They also gave me money to build this.

Just turn the force field off
and go around.

It's a device to transfer the ability
to talk from one animal to another.

I've never had an animal
to test it on until now.

So I don't even know if it works,
but I'm hopeful.

Why didn't you test it on yourself?

You don't test a talking animal
machine on a person.

Why not?

You just don't, okay?

Mom and Dad are trying
to talk some sense into Ian.

What are you doing, Stan?

Oh, trying to figure out this machine.

I've learned a lot from Karl
hanging out in his shed.

These components look similar to something

he was working on, only his was a machine

that would give him
the cool appeal of a hipster.

His first attempt went horribly wrong.

He grew a handlebar mustache,

unfortunately, it was on his butt.

Butt-stache.

Well, it's great
that you understand this stuff.

Now, we can disable Ian's machine.

No, Avery.
That wouldn't change anything.

They won't leave any of us alone
as long as the puppies and I can talk.

I think I can reverse this machine

so it will turn me
and the puppies into regular dogs.

Dogs who can't talk.

Stan, no. No, no, no!

You can't make yourself not talk.

If you're just a regular dog,
you won't be Stan anymore.

What choice do I have?

It's the only thing I can think of
to make everyone leave the family alone.

Maybe being a regular dog won't be so bad.

Stan, you can't do this. You're family.

What is going on in here?

Ian, Stan rewired your machine
to take away his ability to talk.

Just call off this craziness
before things go too far.

Ian, please!

Stan, no!

You have to stop him!

Wait! Stan, you can't do this!

-We'll find another way.
-Don't do it, Stan!

You have to stay you!

I'll always love you kids...

even if I can never say it again.

-No! No!
-No. Stop!

Stan? Stan, say something.

( barks )

Stan, no.

Why'd you do it?

You're the best friend that I've ever had.

You stupid dog!

You ruined everything! Again!

Ian, please, isn't there something
that you can do to make Stan talk again?

No.

It's over.

You are useless to me now.

Your family can go.

( sniffling )

I love Stan so much.

I would rather stay in there forever
than have Stan do what he did.

He did it for us.

Shows how much Stan loves this family.

You're so brave.

I'm gonna miss him so much.

Did it work, Dada?

Gracie, shhhh!

Not till we get out of here.

( gasps )

I mean... woof.

It was a trick! Get them!

Run!

Karl, Avery and Chloe
are hiding the puppies

until we can figure out if it's safe.

Is your dad around?

And why are you dressed like
our kitchen drapes?

Answer the first question first.

My father's not home,
and I am dressed in my kitchen camo

because I was plotting your rescue.

But I see you effected it without my help.

No worries.
The face paint only takes an hour to apply

and the resulting rash only
takes a week to recover from.

I'm sorry I scared you guys

by not telling you about
my plan to trick Ian,

but I needed your reactions to be real.

Hey, we could've faked our reactions.

I fake my reaction to Mom's
hip-hop dance performances.

You love my hip-hop dance performances.

I know, I do!

We're just glad you can still talk.

We should've known it wasn't for real

when you told us
Karl was working on a machine

to turn himself into a hipster.

You mean the Hipstinator 5000.

I think it's starting to work on me.

I already like a handful
of really terrible bands.

Listen, what are we going to do?
We can't stay here,

Karl's father could return any time,

we can't go home,
they're gonna be looking for us there,

and we need some kind of plan.

Guys, my secret's out.

So many people know,
it'll never be a secret again.

But what if we go public
so everyone knows?

If I'm famous and beloved,

the government won't be
able to bother me anymore.

And let's face it,

how could I not be beloved
with this punim?

We need some big event
that's happening live

so we can get Stan in front of TV cameras
before anyone finds him.

The Hollywood Entertainment
Awards are tonight!

If we go, we can get Stan on live TV!

Bennett, I need 7,000 dollars for a dress.

So Karl, are you coming?

Wouldn't miss it.
Do you think they have these curtains?

-It's highly unlikely.
-Then I'll stay here.

So how do we get in?

Well, when we were trying
to hide Stan's secret,

we needed a lot of shenanigans
or a plan so crazy it just might work.

But now we're trying to expose the secret,

so maybe we need a plan
that's the opposite of crazy.

Hi, I need tickets to the awards show

for five people, a dog, and two puppies.

Well, that was surprisingly easy.

They just went inside! We need to follow!

Four, please.

What? You can't be here!
I have jurisdiction.

Not anymore. You lost them,
they're fair game now.

Hurry up! We need to get in there!

Cool your jets.
We're trying to get seats together.

( overlapping chatter )

MAN: Welcome back to the 61st annual
Hollywood Entertainment Awards.

And now the nominees

for Best Performance By
A Comedy Actor Playing a Serious Role

To Prove He's A Real Actor.

Okay, so we just have to wait
for the right time

for Stan to go onto the stage.

Or now is good.

I just have one question:

what's the difference between
sound editing and sound mixing?

Nobody knows, am I right?

Actually, sound editing
is more placement of sound,

while mixing
is more adjusting-- ( screams )

I guess I'll never know.

( applause )

Maestro, give me a little vamp
in the key of E flat

and try to follow along.

Come on, guys. I need back-up singers.

He needs us. We're his family.

Our first shenanigan as a family,
let's do it!

♪ There are those who'd probably say ♪

♪ That I have a rare ability ♪

♪ And I don't just mean the way ♪

♪ That I yodel with agility ♪

♪ Yodel-lay-eee-hoo ♪

♪ It's a secret no one's known ♪

♪ But that secret now is blown ♪

♪ I'm a talking dog ♪

♪ He's a talking dog ♪

♪ There's no barking, there's no biting ♪

♪ Don't be scared, this is exciting ♪

♪ And I've got a blog ♪

♪ Yes, he's got a blog ♪

♪ It'll get a lot more hits now ♪

♪ Here's where Chloe does the splits now ♪

♪ I've got talking pups ♪

♪ He's got talking pups ♪

♪ Yes, my puppies talk, get ready! ♪

♪ Hi, I'm Gracie ♪

♪ Hi, I'm talking, too ♪

♪ So now the world will know ♪

♪ As my legend starts to grow ♪

♪ I'm a talking, blogging,
singing, dancing... ♪

♪ Name's Stan, by the way ♪

♪ Dog! ♪

( applause )

That was amazing.
How do you do that?

Years of training with some of the finest
vocal coaches in the world.

-What?
-No, I'm just kidding.

I'm a regular singing dog.

And there, my friends,

is the sugaaaaar.

And that's the story of how
I became a world-famous celebrity.

Becoming a celebrity meant
that I'd never have to worry

about anyone experimenting
on me ever again.

And the next year,

I was back at the Hollywood
Entertainment Awards... as a nominee.

And the only nominee
for Best Talking Dog is...

Stan, in The Bells of Portugal.

But you see, Isabella,

I'm not in love with your sister.

I'm in love with you.

But through it all, the only thing

that has really mattered to me
is the one thing

I've always wanted in life:
to be part of a real family.

Many among the millions
who now read my blog have asked me,

"What's it like being a talking dog?"

Well, in a lot of ways,
I'm just like you are.

Nothing means more to me
after a long day than a hug

from the people I love.

We love you, too, Stan.

I can't imagine what our lives
would be like without you.

This is Stan, the talking dog, saying:

so long.