All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E13_English

( music playing )

STAN: So, in case you haven't heard,
Princess and I are engaged!

And I couldn't be happier.

We took engagement photos
at our favorite park.

Aren't we a lovely couple?

Is that Robert photobombing us?

Robert, if you weren't
so darn good-looking,

I'd be really mad right now.

[ theme song playing ]

So, guys, I've been engaged a few days
and I'm ready to get married now.

I want nothing more than to stand in front
of my closest friends

and declare my love for Princess.

And to go to the zoo one time
when the koalas aren't sleeping.

Stan, a wedding is a big deal.
We have to do this right.

Decorations and music and flowers.
Oh, I will plan it all.

And you're right.
What is wrong with those lazy koalas?

And I can help plan the wedding, too.

I've planned lots of events.
Birthdays, tea parties, doll haircuts.

Girlfriend can not sit still.

That would be great, guys.
You can plan it together.

Chloe, you'll bring your imagination
and sense of whimsy.

I've got stardust in my pocket!

[ sing-song ] Whimsy!

[ coin clatters on ground ]

And a nickel.

And Avery, you'll bring
your impeccable taste.

Great! I'll order the cheese in a can.
[ laughs ]

I'll also bring that sense of humor.

Cheese in a can? Who's getting married?

I am. How would you like
to be my best man?

I'd be honored.
What does a best man do, anyway?

Well, I'll need you to organize
the bachelor party

and break the news to my second choice
that he didn't get the gig.

I'm sorry, there's no easy way
for me to say this, but...

Stan picked me to be his best man.

I did not manipulate him.

No, I did not!

No, I did not!

Why am I doing this?

[ music playing ]

Chloe, this is so cute.

Is this a mock-up
of Stan's wedding in the park?

I'm the rainbow sparkle pony,
you're the bear,

and the troll doll
is Princess' mean owner, Heather.

I was gonna use a dead rat
but Winston keeps hanging on.

Actually, Heather isn't coming.

When I invited her, she said, "gross."

Great! Then I don't have to get
a life-sized troll doll costume.

Or a dead rat costume.

Which is really just a live rat costume
with Xs over the eyes.

And a little halo.

[ sing-song ] Whimsy!

Wait a minute, these animals
aren't just placeholders?

Is this actually what you want
everybody to look like?

How do you plan on paying for all this?

Well, I already cut
live unicorns out of the budget,

so that's like a gazillion dollar savings
right there.

Plus, Mommy helped me submit
Stan and Princess' wedding

to the Wacky Jackie show.

If they pick it,
Jackie will pay for the whole thing.

Wait, Wacky Jackie?

That rich girl that does
crazy things with her money?

I love that show!

I keep submitting the idea
that she should send cows into space.

[ imitates cow chewing cud ]

They're huge, but they're weightless.

Check it out, space cow,
she uploaded a new video.

Don't call me "space cow" at school.

Let's make that a home nickname.

What's up, gumdrops?
It's Wacky Jackie in your face.

That's my eyeball.
That's my other eyeball.

Nostril shot!

What do you think of it, Sidekick Jackie?

[ in high-pitched voice] [ laughs ]
Love it, love it, love it, love it!

Oh, Sidekick Jackie,
you are just saying that.

[ as Sidekick Jackie]
[ laughs ] No, I'm not.

What do you think, Backwards Jackie?

Who said that?

This week, I'm spending my money
to put a rodeo in a china shop.

I'm a bull in a china shop.

[ crash ]

[ groans ]

[ music playing ]

Okay, I'm back from the store
with a few options

for what I'm gonna wear
to this weekend's wedding.

You must have ten dresses there.

You realize this is a dog wedding
the kids are doing for fun,

it's not a real wedding?

So? A wedding's a wedding.

When your friend got married
by the Elvis impersonator,

I still dressed up.

As Elvis.

The invitation said
come as your favorite Elvis.

So I was "Jailhouse Rock."

[ imitating Elvis ]
Thank ya, thank ya very much.

First of all, stop that.

And secondly, can't you just
wear something that you already own?

Come on, Bennett, I have to look nice.

In a way, I'm, kind of,
the mother of the groom.

Actually, I think Avery
is more the mother of the groom.

You're more the grandmother.

Really? Can a grandmother do this?

Ow, my hip!

So, Stan, I promised you
a great bachelor party.

Did I deliver or what?

[ Stan sings high note in elation ]

Stan, I never knew
you had the voice of an angel.

You ever seen an angel scarf down
a whole chuck roast in five seconds?

'Cause you're about to.

Well, go wild, Stan.

My buddy has this truck
full of meat that's about to expire.

This reminds me
of Mother's walk-in fridge.

Not the big one downstairs,
the snack fridge up in the bedroom.

Did you really have to invite Carl?

I kind of thought it was
just gonna be you, me, and Robert.

You know, the cool guys.

I like Carl.

Plus, every group needs
an eccentric oddball.

We've already got
the dashingly good-looking guy.

[ whispers ] That's me.

Wow, you guys got me all this
and a stinky shoe?

Best day ever!

-Let me get that for you, Stan.
-Carl, no!

Oh, I get it.
The shoe was there to keep the door open.

And now we're locked in.

CARL: [ sings high-pitched note ]

Stan, will you stop
with the angel singing,

this isn't a good thing.

It wasn't me.

It was me. It's very cold in here.
[ sings high note in fear ]

[ music playing ]

I can't get any cell reception.

This is not good. Mom and Dad
think we're staying at Carl's all night

so no one's gonna come looking for us.

We gotta get outta here.

Tyler, Tyler. Allow me to try something
I read about in a comic book.

Apparently the spider that bit me
was of the non-radioactive variety.

Unlike the radioactive man
who bit me and gave me the power to speak.

What?

No, I'm just kidding.
I'm a regular talking dog.

Who loves me some pepperoni.

If we don't get out of here,
I'm going to freeze.

I have the circulation
of a daily newspaper. [ laughs ]

It's funny because print is dead.

And, by the by,
if we don't make it out of here,

no matter what I say from now on,

that "print is dead" bon mot
was my last words.

Okay, I have a nominee

for the one we hollow out
and climb into like a sleeping bag.

[ gasps ] Success!

I've disabled the air conditioner.

However, I should mention,
with the air off,

the meat will start to go bad.

Great, so we're stuck in here
and with rotting meat.

Which of us will be
the first to totally lose it?

STAN: Robert, your steely cool
never ceases to amaze me.

[ music playing ]

Wow.

You look absolutely crazy.

Bennett, it's a wedding.

But not your wedding.

Hey, you're the one who told me
to take back the ten dresses

and wear something I already own.

And I do believe I own this.

[ laughs ] Good one, beautiful bride.

You are not the bride.

But I look so beautiful.
And the dress still fits.

And if I wore it to any other wedding,
it would be inappropriate.

I agree with all of that.

Just wear your wedding suit
and we'll match.

Why couldn't I have been invited
to the dog bachelor party?

[ music playing ]

She picked us, she picked us,
she picked us!

She picked us, she picked us,
she picked us, she picked us

she picked us, she picked us!

[ pants ]

She picked us!

What are you talking about?

Wacky Jackie is gonna do
Stan's wedding on her web show

and pay for everything!

Now we can do all my ideas.

Animal costumes, balloons,
and a clown car full of pie!

You don't even need to get clowns!

'Cause if you fill a car with pie,
the clowns will come.

Chloe, the wedding is tomorrow.

If it was gonna be on the show,

there'd be people coming over here
to plan things.

What's up, gumdrops? It's me,
Wacky Jackie. Everybody, freak out.

That is Wacky Jackie, I am freaking out!

I am freaking out, too.

And not just because somebody
walked into our house without knocking.

I have decided that your dog wedding
is a crazy thing I can do with my money.

Right, Sidekick Jackie?

[ as Sidekick Jackie ] [ laughs ]
Love it, love it, love it, love it!

That's my eyeball.
That's my other eyeball.

Nostril shot!

Wow. So you do that in person, too.

Do what?

So, I will be officiating the ceremony.

Oh, just don't invite
Awkward Uncle Jackie.

[ in deep voice ] Hey, look at my mustache
and guess what I had for breakfast.

Okay, Uncle Jackie.

At least he didn't ask you
to guess how many teeth he's missing.

[ music playing ]

So, what would we be doing right
now if we weren't stuck in here?

Laser tag.

Hey, we don't have toy guns to fight with,
but we are surrounded by all this meat.

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Meat fight!

Meat buddies!

I mean, meat fight!

[ music playing ]

STAN: We didn't know
how that day would end.

But we knew we'd never be the same again.

We were just kids, dang it!

[ music playing ]

Now that Wacky Jackie
is paying for the wedding,

there is so much we can do.

I've been sampling cakes,

I got these flowers,
probably should've had them delivered.

Oh, spending other people's money

is so much more fun
than spending your own.

I can't wait 'til I'm president.

You didn't have to do all this,
I've got everything planned out.

AVERY: Chloe, no.

I have a very specific vision
for this wedding.

-I can see it. I can hear it.
-[ classical music plays ]

Oh, the royal wedding is my inspiration.

The epitome of class and elegance.
[ sighs ]

Very nice guys, that's enough.

[ music stops ]

You didn't have to hire
some fancy musicians,

I hired Musical Marvin.

[ accordion music plays ]

Chloe, no, no, no,
we are not doing this your way.

Hit it, guys.

[ classical music overlaps
with accordion ]

Put on your wedding suit, Bennett,
just put it on.

So we're not gonna address
that there's a string quartet

and a one man band
playing in our family room?

Not 'til you put on your suit.

[ overlapping music continues ]

That was one heck of a meat fight.

When we get back to civilization,
we'll try to tell other people about this,

but they won't understand.

Unless they've also been trapped
in a truck

and slapped each other with brisket.

Got that right, dude.

Did you just "dude" me?

Oh. Well, I've never been "dude"ed before.

Except by that guy
who hangs out at the convenience store.

But he doesn't know me.
He just wants a hit off my slushie.

This is nice. The way we're bonding.

Way better than what
we would've been doing.

What would we have been doing?

'Cause maybe I'm wrong
and it would've been more awesome.

Right around now,
we would've been heading back to my place.

To engage in all sorts of cool,
macho guy stuff.

Certainly not playing
with my superhero action figures.

'Cause they're all mint in the package.

You know, after I marry Princess tomorrow,
a lot is gonna change.

I'm gonna be married,

with all the responsibilities
that come with that.

Except for paying bills, having a job,
or listening to my wife talk.

I hope we get out of here
in time for your wedding.

When is your friend coming
to pick up his meat truck?

I don't know, I wasn't planning for us
to be here for more than a couple hours.

Let me check his texts from yesterday.

Oh no, Nicky dumped me!

Oh wait, that's an old one.

Ah, here it is.
He's not coming 'til Monday.

We're gonna be in here all weekend?

I'm gonna miss my wedding.

[ music playing ]

I'm so glad we were able to come up with
a compromise for your whimsy and my taste.

So, you hired clowns, huh?

Nope, just put out pie.
I was right. They came.

Wow, Dad, that jacket
is really tight on you.

Yeah, this is my wedding suit,

but I've been hitting the gym a lot
since then.

Wearing it reminds me of the hand-me-downs
from my childhood.

I had tiny older brothers.

Still, your mom wanted me to wear it
so I'd match what she's wearing.

How does that match what Mom is wearing?

[ imitating Elvis]
Thank ya. Thank ya very much.

Oh, for the love of...

Ellen, why are you wearing that?

You said we shouldn't wear
our wedding clothes.

And you really shouldn't be wearing that.
It doesn't fit, you look ridiculous.

Now please go change.

[ music playing ]

STAN: The wedding is
gonna be starting soon.

Carl, you've been working
on that contraption all night.

Are you ready to get that door open?

I'm sorry it's taking so long,

it's not easy
unscrewing machine-tightened screws

with your fingernails.

Why didn't you just use
the screwdriver on my pen knife?

You, my friend, are going to be
the subject of a scathing journal entry.

Now, I'm gonna use the magnets
in this device

to slide open the latching mechanism
inside the door.

It's not working.
Stand back, I'm gonna break it down.

I almost got it.

[ grunts]

Huh, I thought for sure Carl
was gonna open the door at the last moment

and Tyler was gonna go
flying comedically out.

But this is funny, too.

I'm sorry guys,
I thought I constructed a device

that would allow me to disable the lock.

But I'm afraid I failed you.

You'd think the talking dog
would be the funny one in the group,

but you guys are hilarious.

CARL: [ grunts from impact ]
You guys could've jumped over me.

What's up, gumdrops?
I've arrived at the wedding.

Everybody freak out!

That is not the first time
that's happened.

So is everything set?

Are the dogs ready?

Please tell me
you see the six foot penguin, too.

Well, about the dogs.
There might be one little snag.

Okay, I'm not doing funny characters
or playing games.

You tell me right now what is going on.

[ as Sidekick Jackie ]
Is Angry Jackie talking to you?

'Cause she's straight up cray.

I'm gonna get her out of here to cool off.

It's okay. Everything's gonna be fine.

AVERY: [ sighs ] Thank goodness
you guys are here.

CHLOE: Come on, guys,
we gotta start the wedding.

Strangers are starting to wander in.

I did not invite that kangaroo.

Wait, guys, this wedding's a big deal.
I don't know if I can do this.

Stan, it's normal to have cold feet.

Once you see how beautiful
Princess looks in her dress,

-all of your doubts will melt away.
-But Avery--

Come on, Stan,
the wedding's about to start.

[ wedding march begins to play ]

STAN: I can't do this.

[ gasps ] Stan, wait!

Uh, no need to worry, folks,
he's just a dog.

Must have seen a squirrel or something.

This ceremony will resume shortly.

You're Jaclyn Bradley,
I've read all about you.

You're that rich heiress
who doesn't know what to do with her money

so she spends it on ridiculous things
for a web show.

I also pretend to be
lots of different people

because I'm very lonely.

Do you like action figures?

Mint in the package?

[ shuddering gasp ]

[ identical shuddering gasp ]

Okay, this is uncomfortable.

[ music playing ]

Stan, what's wrong?

Don't you wanna marry Princess?
I think he has cold feet, guys.

No, all I ever wanted was
to declare my love for Princess.

But how can I say my vows in front of
all those people who can't know I talk?

Oh, my gosh.

We got so caught up in what we wanted,

we completely lost sight
of what this was really for.

I'm sorry, Stan. We really messed up.

Wow, and I did nothing wrong.

Continue.

[ barking ]

Princess!

[ Princess continues to bark ]

Hey guys, why don't we
do the wedding right here?

A private ceremony.

Let's do it.

We are gathered here today
to witness the union

of Princess and Stan in marriage.

I believe Stan has some vows
he'd like to say.

All my life, I've been a dog who can talk.

So I've been trapped between two worlds.

I'm not really a dog,
I'm not really a person.

It's been hard.

But in the last few years,

I finally found some people
who are my family.

[ Tyler sniffles ]

Life is just so much more precious to me
since the meat wars.

And now, for the first time in my life,

I found a dog who I wanna be my family.

Princess, I love you.

I want us to be together forever.
And even though you can't speak,

I know you feel the exact same way.

Stan, Princess, do you take each other
as husband and wife?

We do.

Congratulations!
You may now lick the bride.

Thank you, Avery.

That was a lovely ceremony.
It was exactly what I wanted.

Now, let's go do the fake one
for the show!

'Cause, really, you got Wacky Jackie?

I'm freaking out!

[ music playing ]

Dog marriage is not something
to be entered into lightly.

In fact, the bride and groom went through

an extensive premarital counseling session
with Dr. Jackie.

[ in New York accent ] Oh, these two kids,
they're gonna make it work.

It's kismet.

I now pronounce you
dog husband and dog wife.

I just married two dogs.

This is Wacky Jackie saying
[ blows raspberry ]

[ as Dr. Jackie ] Yeah, she needs help.

[ wedding march plays ]

Oh, thank you so much, Wacky Jackie,

it's so amazing that you
made this happen for our dog.

No, no, I have to thank you.

If it wasn't for this fantastic wedding,
I wouldn't have met Gary Picklefish.

He's gonna mentor Clown Jackie.

[ in clown voice ] [ laughs ] Hi, kids!

Yet again, a clown has come between me
and the object of my affection.

How does my horoscope always know?

Oh, my gosh.

Wacky Jackie just pied me.

I'm freaking out!

What a perfect ending to a perfect day.

STAN: My wedding ended up
being the greatest day of my life.

I married the dog I love
surrounded by the family I love.

Speaking of love,

Robert hit it off with
one of Princess' bridesmaids, Roberta.

Do I hear wedding bells, Robert?

Oh, Robert. Always playing it cool.

[ jazzy musical flourish ]

[ boing ]