All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E02_English

I wish we were doing
a big party for Halloween again.

I scared so many boys last year,

they wouldn't even look me in the eye.

I just walked around school like, "What?"

Sorry, sweets, we couldn't top last year
so we decided to take a break.

But feel free to keep scaring
those boys away

until you have a nice, solid career,

and you know you can
take care of yourself.

At least if it's less scary,

Mom won't get sick
on the carpet this year.

It was late and someone left
a vampire dummy on the couch.

I suffer from fear puke.
It's a very real problem.

I know it's real.
I posted this video of it online.

ELLEN: ( screams ) Vampire!

( throwing up )

Sorry, Bennett.

500,000 hits.

My man.

You know, you're not just
laughing at my fear puke,

you're laughing
at the entire FP community.

We are doctors, lawyers and scientists,

who all smell like yesterday's lunch.

So, kids, any ideas
on what we should do with this big boy?

Ooh, I know.

Let's carve a Mommy Pumpkin!

( laughter )

( laughing stops )

( laughs ) Oh, look, it's Mom.

STAN: I've got to admit,

my favorite part
of Halloween is getting scared.

The rush of adrenaline and then the calm,

happy moment when you realize

everything is going to be fine.

Right, Robert?

Robert? Robert?

( shrieks )

Robert, you scared me.

No, I will not look into your eyes.

No, I will not--

Yes, master.

( theme music playing )

Oh, come on, Avery.

Why can't I just watch this
Halloween movie

while you guys eat dinner?

'Cause you yell at the screen.

You haven't been careful
enough lately

hiding that you can talk.

Mom almost caught you
just the other day.

Yes, I do chase squirrels,
I'm just saying

it doesn't define who I am.

You might as well
call me a tail-nibbler.

I meant that rhetorically.

Hello? Is anyone there?

STAN: Just a dog chewing
a monkey.

Move along.

Not that you don't have
this coming, Robert.

I promise, I'll use headphones
and I won't talk at all.

Okay, fine, that'll work.

Thanks, Avery. It's tough to find a movie
for the talking dog audience.

Isn't it the same audience
as boys aged 6 to 11?

And Tyler?

True. We like scary movies

and the old Kung Fu Fart Chimps trilogy.

Hai-ya!

"Thank goodness the Kung Fu
Fart Chimps are here.

"Oh, open a window."

And somehow, Forrest Gump
got the Oscar that year.

So, Avery, hope you're not disappointed
that we aren't making as big

a deal out of Halloween this year.

Not at all.

I could use a year off.

All the pressure last year,
I almost fell apart.

( all screaming )

( laughs )

Got you guys.

My year off begins now.

Did you see that?

I was totally scared
but I didn't fear-puke.

I am the bravest woman I know.

If Avery's taking the year off,

maybe I'll be Avery this year
and scare you all.

Aww.

I bet you wouldn't "aww" like that
if you realized

you were talking
to the Spatula-Handed Girl!

Aww.

"Look out. She's got a spatula for a hand.

"She's gonna flip us all!"

Aww.

( grunts )

Aww.

No, get out of the house.

Get out of the house!

Get out of the house now!

What was that?

It sounds like someone's in the house.

I didn't hear anything.

It's coming for you!

Not even that.

Sounds like it's coming from upstairs.
I better check it out.

We probably just left the TV on.

I turned the TV off

and then turned it right back on again.
I'm unpredictable like that.

Don't you understand?

The house is haunted.

Haunted!

Oh, sounds like a pigeon cooing.

Haunted. Haunted.

I'll be right back.

( Stan reading )

He's coming? ( screams )

-( screams )
-( screams )

( Stan reading )

Oh, right.

STAN: No need for eye contact,
no need for eye contact.

Okay, if this goes south,
we get in the car,

head to my cousin's place in Arizona.

He has an underground bunker.

It's really just a blanket fort
in the backyard,

but he's sensitive, so play along.

What about Dad?

If he doesn't make it, I'll remarry
so you'll always have a father figure.

Oh, thank goodness. I hate dating.

That's weird. None of the TVs are on.

And no one's in the house.

I mean, except for Stan.

Stan, uh-- he was just--

The house must be haunted.

What are you kids covering for?

Nothing.

You heard what the ghost said.

And he should know.

He's a ghost.

How could you tell Mom and Dad
that the house is haunted?

Now they're suspicious that we're covering
for something. What are we gonna do?

Obviously, we have to prove
that the house is haunted.

The house is haunted
like the movie I just watched?

What are the odds?

Why couldn't I have just thought quicker
and come up with a better lie

about where the voice was coming from?

I should have blamed the sounds
on the Clog-Handed Girl.

Why would anyone be afraid of a clog--

Ow.

The house is haunted
and Chloe has a clog hand?

What is going on?

Now that we told Mom and Dad
the house is haunted,

they think we're up to something.

What are we going to do?

They can't find out our dog talks.

Or that he's really handsome.

I didn't want to say it,
but nobody else was.

We have to convince Mom and Dad

that the house is haunted.

Lots of people believe in ghosts.

I read a research study--

You read a research study?

I saw it online and I thought
it was about people

who believe in goats.

I believe in goats and I like
reading articles about myself.

You read a research study?

Yes, and it found that 45%
of Americans believe in ghosts.

I'm pretty sure
Mom could be one of them.

Mom is not that gullible.

There's no way
she believes ghosts are real.

I'm telling you, Bennett, ghosts are real.

Right. And so are Bigfoot, leprechauns,

and men who care about
what color you paint the laundry room.

-It's important.
-It is not.

Ellen, I'm telling you,
the kids are up to something.

It's not just today.

Every so often, I hear
this strange voice in the house.

I haven't said anything
because I know you all think

I'm so excitable, but if it's a ghost,

that explains it all. I'm not crazy.

I would never call you crazy.

You're what I'd call quirky, eccentric,

borderline ridiculous and adorable.

I'll take it. But ghosts are real.

And I'm painting
the laundry room quixotic plum.

Still don't care.

Are you kidding?
Mom is totally gullible.

Well, there was that time
she wrote that letter

to her favorite TV puppet,
Holgar, The Sensitive Viking.

Bennett, he wrote me back.

He wrote me back.

Honey, this is a restraining order.

Well, if we do get her to believe it,
it will solve a lot of our problems.

Any time she hears Stan,
she'll just figure it's a ghost

and then Stan's secret will be safe.

You mean my secret workout,

60 seconds a day to a tighter tush?

'Cause that's more than a secret,

that's a miracle.

I mean look at this.

Bam.

Even if we can convince Mom
to believe it's a ghost, what about Dad?

It'll take some real cleverness
but I think we can convince him, too.

It might be hard for me to help...

since my eyeballs fell out!

Chloe, we can see your actual eyes.
Those are grapes.

Here, hold these for a second.

( screams ) Eyeballs!

Was that so hard?

No, Sir Robert, you do not
have a fair maiden

whose honor you must defend.

No, you do not.

No, you do not!

Oh, hey, Stan. You look great.

Yeah, I wanted to be a mummy,

but Robert insisted on a couples costume.

Off with their heads.

Oh, the Queen of Hearts.
Let me guess.

Mom looked at you and said,
"You're such a card.

( laughs ) "Good one, Ellen."

Yup. That's why she picked it out.

"Go ceilings."

Oh, you're a ceiling fan.

That's what it is.

I just got it 'cause I like ceilings.

So are you dressed
how you'll look when you're 20?

I'm a teen zombie.

Still not changing my opinion
of what you'll look like when you're 20.

You guys, ready to do this?

We've got to protect Stan's secret.

What do you kids think of my costume?

Tell me the tooth.

( laughs ) Dental one, Ellen.

I'm already regretting this.

Have fun trick-or-treating.
We'll be here handing out candy.

We'll let you know if we hear
any more weird stuff.

That's right. We'll be trick-or-treating.

'Cause that's what kids do on Halloween.

They do it. They don't announce it.

We'll be trick-or-treating
and not announcing it.

'Cause that's what
kids do on Halloween.

Well, be careful, you know,
if the ghost comes back--

Tyler, don't get your mother
going on that ghost thing again.

This house is not haunted.

I don't know. After what happened
last night, I checked online

and I found out there
used to be an old inn

right here where our house is built.

It was called the Stop On Inn
because back then,

puns were funny.

This website says an old prospector

came to the inn to meet his wife,
Annabelle, but she never showed up.

He waited for her year after year,

slowly going mad.

Legend has it, his ghost still waits
for her in this very spot.

-( gasps )
-Happy Halloween.

Bennett, it's right here on a website.

Am I crazy or is this the only
explanation that makes sense?

Hold on one sec,
I got to take this. Hello?

You're talking into your hand.

I know but it's important.

Tyler, how did you find out
about that old prospector?

I made it up and put it
on an online encyclopedia.

Mom thinks because it's on the internet,
it has to be true.

It's on the internet. It has to be true.

Now let's start this plan

and convince Mom and Dad,
there's a goat here.

Chloe, you know,
Tyler made a mistake before.

It's "ghost," not "goat," right?

Yeah, I know that.

( goat bleating )

Enjoy your candy.

But don't forget to brush afterwards.

-Gently move the brush back and forth
-Ow.

in short tooth-wide strokes.

All right, the kids are gone.

-I'm taking this costume off.
-What? Why?

I just think if I'm gonna go through
all the trouble of brushing you,

either we or the kids
should be enjoying it.

Tyler, let's get this plan started.

( shushes ) I'm learning how to brush.

All right. It's time. Cue Stan.

Talking Dog to Avery.

-Come in, Avery.
-STAN: Avery here.

Those are your code names?

You're Talking Dog and he's Avery?

Not now, Tyler.

Phase one, go.

( scary voice ) Annabelle.

Annabelle.

My wife, Annabelle!

Bennett.

I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation--

No. The website Tyler showed us.

There's a picture
of the prospector's wife on it,

and she looks just like me.

What?

What if he thinks
I'm his wife, Annabelle,

and insists we reunite?

He's a ghost and I'm alive.
It'd never work.

That's it. I'm calling a ghost hunter
to report paranormal activity.

You have a ghost hunter on speed dial?

No, that would be ridiculous.

This is a ghost hunter app.

It sends the nearest one.

It's like they made the app just for me.

I made this app just for her.

So you created a fake ghost hunter
app and a website

and photoshopped a picture
of Mom in Victorian garb.

That's amazing.
How are you getting all C's in school?

Because I spend all my time
making fake websites, photos, and apps.

So I just have to reply that there are
no ghost hunters currently available.

There are no ghost hunters
currently available.

Luckily, I also downloaded
this ghost detector app.

It senses where the ghosts are.

It's not a real app.

What sets it off?

Me doing this.

-( phone beeping )
-My phone is going nuts!

Yeah, that's what's going nuts.

( whistle blowing )

Do you hear a ghostly whistle?

I'm sure it's nothing.

If it's nothing, then why do
I keep jumping into your arms?

It was just the tea kettle.

Can I put you down now?

Okay, but I'm just gonna
jump back up again.

We must have left the kettle on.

We didn't leave it on.
The prospector did.

I reckon he likes tea.

-Reckon?
-Why did I say that?

What if the spirit of Annabelle
is overtaking me?

Dagnabit! What in Tarnation?

Where is my tea?

I like oolong.

We don't have oolong tea, Prospector.

See?

Oolong.

It's the scariest tea.

I told you. The scariest tea is oolong.

Check this out.

There is definitely a logical--

explanation.

You had time to build a compressor
that shoots tea boxes?

I'm getting some D's too.

( screaming )

Go, go, go!

( Stan barking )

What is it, Stan?

Who are you barking at?

Dogs know.

They see the other side.

Well, then, why did you buy an app?

It got great reviews.

You wrote reviews?

Some classes I don't even go to.

Okay, you ready
for the coup de grace?

I don't know. French is one
of the classes I don't go to.

Annabelle.

It's me!

Don't tell me
you married that guy.

( both screaming )

Just don't puke, don't puke!

I'm trying not to.

I'm talking to myself!

-I believe you. Ghosts are real.
-Yeah.

( laughing )

Wait. What's that?

I told you there was
a logical explanation for this.

You're the one
who put a ring on quirky.

-Man, I cannot believe the kids got us.
-Hm.

I knew they were up to something,

starting with that voice
we heard last night at dinner.

-But I didn't fear-puke.
-Hm.

I'm still 364 days mouth dry
and going strong.

Well, there's only one thing
we can do now as responsible adults.

Scare the stuffing out of those
kids to teach them a lesson.

And that is why I put a ring on quirky.

Come on, Chloe, fill up your bags

so that Mom and Dad think
we were out trick-or-treating.

You can just buy Halloween candy?

That's cheating.

And why haven't
we ever done this before?

Kids.

Oh. We have some terrible news.

Awful, just awful.

You were right.

The house is haunted.

-( kids screaming )
-( laughing )

Got ya.

Thought you could fool us?

You should've seen your faces.

You were all like... ( screaming )

Annabelle, it's me, the prospector.

I'm inside the dog.

( screaming )

( throwing up )

( screaming )

Stan, why would you do that?

They just saw you talk.

I couldn't help myself.

I didn't like the way
they were gloating.

And that thing that popped out
really scared me.

And why is there a goat
in the family room?

( goat bleating )

I paid for two hours,
I'm getting two hours.

Now excuse me while I pet.

What? What?

Wait, the kids.

They didn't follow us.

We have to go back.

Right, right. We can do this.

We have to conquer our fear of ghosts.

( screaming )

-We did it.
-Whoo.

Kids.

Are you okay?

Step away from the ghost dog.

( laughing )

-We got you.
-You should've seen your faces.

If you're mad, I'm not part of this.

But Stan talked.

I saw him.
So it had to be a ghost.

Dogs can't talk.

-Of course not.
-That'd be crazy.

Stan, run for it.

( laughs )

Mom, it was just
one of my Halloween tricks.

I used peanut butter
to make his mouth move.

Watch.

And I did the voice.

"It's me, the prospector.

"I'm inside the dog."

Wow. You guys really got us.

Yeah, but what Stan just
did didn't look like what I saw before.

It's just the way
the mind works, honey.

The fear fills in the details.

Oh, like when you accidentally
swallow a mouthful of water

at the water park and you start
picturing all the sweaty,

hairy people who've been in the--

I'm also a regular puker. Go, go, go.

( sighing )

Man, that was too close.

Yeah, you've really got to be
more careful about talking, Stan.

Go Kung Fu Fart Chimps.

Hai-ya!

( chimps screeching )

( punching )

( jingling bells )

Ooh, it's the Christmas one.

All in all,
it was a great Halloween.

My secret's still safe,

and everybody
got to scare somebody.

And it turns out Sir Robert
did have a fair maiden.

( Stan narrating )

Isn't that right, Robert?

Robert, where's Miss Beaks?

( ripping )

Oh, no, Robert.

Look away.

Look away.

Mom and Dad really seemed to be--

Boo!

Come on, Chloe, that's so lame.

You're a cute little kid. Just accept it.

You're never gonna be able to scare us.

A little kid?

That's what you think of me?
Just some little kid?

-Calm down.
-I'm not just a little kid!

( screams )

( laughs )

That was awesome, Chloe.
How did you do that?

( in demonic voice )
Do what?

( screams )

Thanks, Stan. How did you
get so good at special effects?

I have a lot of practice
from all those years

of making it look like I talk.

-What?
-Nah, I'm just kidding.

I'm a normal talking dog.