All language subtitles for ICarly. 2021. S01E01

I am so ready for this.

- Ah!
- Ah!

What are you doing here?

Setting up for a romantic
evening with my boyfriend.

I would've done it at my place,
but rich people

have such nice lighting.
What are you doing here?

I'm the rich person
with the nice lighting

that owns this apartment.

Wait. You and Beau, that's tonight?

Don't look at this.

What is that giant, gold monstrosity?

It's a gift I made for you.

Oh, I love it.

Did I miss anything?

Oh, you gave it to her without me?

Yeah, and her reaction was priceless.

Just a little something for you and Beau

as you begin this beautiful
journey together as partners.

We thought you could stand on
either side of it and be all...

Thank you.

Wow. I can't believe Beau
is going to propose

that we do a channel together.

After years of doing "iCarly" with Sam

and then hosting Italian QVC

and then my brief stint
in college radio,

I'm finally going to be back
online where I belong,

with a partner who I love and trust.

Now, where should I put my phone,

so I can secretly record him?

Now that's true love.

I told all the "iCarly" fans
to tune in to my livestream.

Beau asking me to do a channel
together, that's good content.

Why waste it?

Couldn't agree more,
which is why after Spencer

designed this sculpture,

I outfitted it with a sneaky,
little spot for a camera.

Mm...

boop.

Freddie, this is why we
stayed friends all these years,

you creepy genius.

I actually did the whole making it part,

so, you know, who's
the real creepy genius?

This is so exciting.

I've been wanting to start up
my own channel again,

but I didn't want to do it by myself.

You know what? He's probably
going to be here any minute,

and I love you guys so much, but get.

Hey, everyone. I'm back.
I know it's been a while,

but you guys are in
for something really exciting.

- Carly?
- Beau.

Hey.

Cool shape.

Yeah, it's an and symbol
for Carly and Beau.

Doesn't it make you

just want to stand on
either side of it be all...

Sure, kind of.

But for now, let's sit and be all...

Carly, we do a lot of things together.

- I know. It's so great.
- We date.

We share a Spotify account.

You came with me to the podiatrist.

I just get you.

So I think it's only natural we...

- Start a channel together.
- Need some time apart.

Wait. What? Time apart? Why?

We gotta get the phone.

You came with me to the podiatrist.

Well, yeah, but that's just
because your podiatrist is next

to the good dumpling place.

Could've done takeout.

They're not as good at room temperature.

Deep down, you know that.

I love you.

I just need a little space,
just for a minute.

Oh, space, yeah. I'm fine with space.

I love space. It's really nice
because it teaches you

to appreciate what you had
before you took all the space.

So how long are we
talking here, like, a week?

- Maybe a little longer.
- Two?

You're just dumping me, aren't you?

Yah! Yah!

Now I have a broken heart
and a broken phone.

Awesome. It's still working
and live-streaming everything.

I think people will see
that it was a mutual thing.

_

Is it that time of day where

you drag your depression down the hall

from Spencer's apartment to ours?

He's getting ready
for a sculpture premier party.

I just want to stay here

and re-watch every episode
of "Law & Order".

The murders will cheer me up.

We're going to that party.

- Come on.
- Harper.

You don't even like Spencer.

Yes, I do.

Why am I lying? The man is a ding-dong.

But I do find the dumber
the man, the better the party.

Of course you want to go.

For you, parties are a
never-ending buffet of people

who want to sleep with you.

Cute guys, hot girls,

ridiculously gorgeous,
non-binary lawyers

who get your name tattooed
on their thigh.

That only happened twice.

Me, on the other hand,

I feel like my face is now
physically incapable

of smiling.

Carly, look...

Beau's calling?

I can't talk to him.

I'm not dating. I'm not making videos.

I'm too embarrassed about my life.

You should be. Your legs look
like Eugene Levy's eyebrows.

You said that was feminist.

Carly, look, I know this is hard.

When my family lost all their money,

all I wanted to do was curl up

on the deck of our 50-foot sailboat

and cry, but I didn't. You know why?

Because your dad sunk it for insurance.

And because I decided to look
at it as an opportunity.

I picked myself up.

I applied for every job
I could think of,

and they all said I was unqualified.

Then I got a minimum-wage job
as Skybucks,

and I'm still there four years later.

It had a happy-ending tone, but...

Because it is happy.

Accessorizing that
tacky-ass apron made me realize

that I want to be a stylist,

and now I have a job and a dream

and all the half-and-half I can drink.

- You're lactose intolerant.
- My body, my choice.

Go to this party, take the first step,

and if you don't take the first step

in those black ankle boots,
can I borrow them?

Wow. I thought I was early,

but there are so many people
here already.

They're servers.
I had them dress like guests,

so my friends wouldn't be all,
"Ooh, look at Spencer

with his waiters and
his remodeled apartment

and his Swarovski crystal boxer briefs".

Still just a regular guy.

- Gold-leaf martini?
- Yes, please.

You can really taste the gold.

- Mm, Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

You earned your success. You're the guy

who made the marshmallow
White House sculpture.

The way that it was
half melted to reflect

our disintegrating democracy,
such a brave statement.

It was an accident.

I left it next to my cell phone,

which broke out into a spontaneous fire.

Anyway, now I own
a falcon named Jericho.

Wow. I clearly did it all wrong.

Pursued my dreams, married for love.

Two divorces and a failed
start-up later,

I'm back living with my mom.

Maybe instead of figuring out
my next tech venture,

I'll just melt some marshmallows.

I'll sue you into the ground.

- Wow. I clearly did it all wrong.
- Oh, no.

Pursued my dreams, married for love...

Millicent, do not post that.

I'm making content.

Told you just stop recording me.

I'm back living with my mom.

Just because you adopted me
doesn't make you my dad.

I'm back living with my mom.

Literally, it does. That is
exactly what it means.

And send.

Can you like it
to give it some traction?

"Can you like it to give it
some traction, please?"

I'm setting a timer
for exactly five minutes.

After that, it's back to numbly
eating frozen french fries

straight from the bag.

Oh, good. You guys came.
So what did you bring the host?

It's half-and-half. Where's the bar?

Hi, Carly. How's retirement?

I'm not retired.

You haven't posted for a month.

In internet years, that's a decade.

It's okay, Carly. Go into the light.

Your channel has two subscribers.

I know. I'm one of them.

Ugh. Now people are going to
think my channel is for olds.

Okay, can I have
everyone's attention, please?

Thank you. Okay.
While Carly is still here...

One minute, 45 seconds to go.

Years ago I created a sculpture

with the most moving parts,

unwittingly breaking
a Jonas World Record.

I've since lost that title,
but tonight I shall reclaim it.

Behold, the "Supertastic
Sculpture of Stuff..."

"Plus".

Impressive. Is it different
from the old one?

No. It is the old one,
just with more stuff.

Hence the plus.

- I'm not unamused.
- I'm full-on amused.

Are we all looking at the same thing?

That big, old pile of junk?

It's art.

Not everyone has to like it.
Why don't you like it?

It's just the same thing you did before

with a few new pieces, right?

Will somebody put down
their gold drink and defend me?

I will.

The reason this is genius is...

And I'm out. Night, guys.

Freddie, finish her thought, please.

Okay. Um.

Carly? Carly Shay from Camp Lakehorn?

Luke? Luke Tyler also
from Camp Lakehorn?

- Are you leaving?
- No.

I'm just holding the door
for your girlfriend.

I'm single.

Oh, my God. We have so much in common.

I can't believe we found
each other again.

I just want to know
everything about you.

What does your dad do?

Well, he's in the Air Force
but was somehow on a submarine.

And I'm not exactly sure.

- Okay. What's your mom like?
- Uh... I...

let's go back to my dad.

So you hot-glued a bunch
of random stuff on there

to keep a plaque,
then threw yourself a party?

It's not a plaque. It's a certificate.

I need to eat my feelings.

Not a waiter?

When I got back from Italy,
I went to college.

I tried theater and media studies,

but I felt like I got more out
of doing "iCarly"

then at any boring old lecture.
So what do you do?

I'm a college professor.

But I bet whatever you teach
is super meaningful.

I specialize in the mouthfeel
of certain viscous foods.

Yep, super meaningful.

Trust me, I am in no place to date.

See, just that self-awareness
tells me you totally are.

They're out of spicy tuna
cones, so I'm going to dip.

That's my stepdaughter.
I share custody with my ex,

who divorced me
and took all my nice shirts.

Oh, there you are.

Millicent, I drew your bath,
and, Freddie... Freddie!

I put your warm milk in
your Thermos next to your bed.

And if you're both good,
I'll let you snuggle with me

for ten minutes and
watch "Toledo House Flip".

Oh, my gosh. Come on,
Freddie, "Toledo House Flip".

So are we done here? Great. Thank you.

Luke, I don't normally do
this on the first night,

but should we go somewhere
a little more comfortable?

I hope you still respect me after this.

Okay. So in the criminal justice system,

the people are represented

by two separate yet equally
important groups, right?

There's the police,
who investigate crime,

and the district attorneys
who prosecute the offenders.

These are their stories.

Carly, is that you?

You're normally catatonic until noon,

when you gather enough energy to cry.

It's me.

Help yourself to a mimosa.
Pancakes are on the way.

You made breakfast,
you showered, you're happy.

I'm thrilled. What's happening?

Fate. Fate is happening.

Did you know I was about to leave,

I set a timer, it went off

I opened the door
and there he was, Luke.

No. Ugh.

You were texting
in the group chat until,

like, 3:00 a.m. last night.

I swore I would never mute
my bestie, but you tested me.

Why does it look so nice in here?

I'm just so happy about
reconnecting with Luke.

Did you know I was about to leave?

I set a timer and when it went off,

I opened the door and there he was,

Luke.

Millicent doesn't know the story.

Don't care.

Fine. I set a timer, then it went off.

I opened the door
and there he was, Luke.

Wait a minute.

Why is there a framed picture
of Luke on that table?

Oh, it's just from his Instagram.

It's totally normal.

Flowers, the pancakes.

The showering. This is too nice for us.

What?

I can't do something nice for my friends

and Beau to prove
that I won the break-up?

What have you done?

I figured since I'm so happy
and in such a good place,

it's the perfect time
to reach out to Beau.

Carly. Carly, Carly, Carly and friends.

Friends, friends, friends.

So excited for brunch, but first,

Carly, can we talk a sec?

- I'll get the water.
- You got that oatmeal?

I'm going to read the newspaper.

Thanks for having me over.
I'm glad we can catch up

because I wanted you
to hear it from me first.

I'm seeing someone.

- We doing eggs?
- Current events.

So creamy.

Good for you, Beau.

And we're doing a new channel together.

What?

Well, I'm dating someone too.
Luke. We have history.

He's a professor, so our
connection is really cerebral

but also physical and emotional.

All the connections
you can have with a person,

we have, plus more.

- This is his face.
- That's awesome.

It is, and we're starting
a channel together too.

- What?
- Wow.

- This is goat milk!
- We don't even get the paper.

You know, because comedy
and mouthfeel science

are such a natural fit.

Sure. Sure. When are going
to drop your first video?

Uh, Friday.

Wow. We're dropping Friday too.

And we're launching live.

Premiere live? That's crazy risky.

Look at you.

I got to run to the bathroom,

but then I want to hear
all about this channel.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Why did I just say
I'm launching a channel

with a total stranger?

Now wait a minute.

Y'all went to camp.
You two made s'mores.

Right. We have that.

You know what?
This is going to totally work.

Luke and I are going to kill it.

- You will?
- Really?

Luke?

- You will.
- Really!

Luke!

I love this place.

Just a heads up,
they only serve whey here.

Like, whey protein that
you put in a smoothie?

No, like the watery part of milk

that remains after
the formation of curds.

Divine mouthfeel.

Do all these people know this?

So I have something
really exciting to tell you...

Mm, mm, mm! Classic Seattle tap.

That slightly unctuous texture.

- Very wet.
- Mm-hmm.

And so I was going to tell you that...

Here is our Bavarian goat whey,

fermented at an altitude
of just under 10,000 feet.

Enjoy.

If you get a chunk,
that's considered good luck.

Bottoms up.

Guess I got lucky.

So the thing I was going to tell you...

I'll wait.

Yeah. We're done.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

Okay. Which one of these things

can I add to the sculpture
to make you like it?

Spencer, that's not what this is...

are those my sunglasses?

- Maybe, or maybe they're art.
- Oh, come on.

Who cares what I think?

- Me! Me cares.
- But why does "me" care?

Look, just because I'm young, cool

and probably the hottest person
you'll ever meet in real life?

- Yeah, all those.
- When you made the sculpture,

you were inspired, and you loved it.

That's all that matters.

I'll buy you a car
if you say you like it.

You are lucky I do not have parking.

I needed this.

I had discarded dairy juice for dinner.

- No way.
- Yes, whey.

Why did I ever think I should
start a channel with Luke?

Am I that desperate for a partner?

Don't answer that, still talking.

I just want to make things again.

You don't need a partner to do that.

Yeah. I don't need a partner.
I need Sam,

but she's off following
her bliss with that biker gang.

The Obliteraters. I hope she's okay.

It's Sam. I hope they're okay.

I just wish she was here
so we could do "iCarly" again.

Mm.

Do you think I could do it on my own?

Doesn't matter what I think.
It matters what you want.

Of course, I wouldn't be
completely on my own.

I'd have my new producer.

- Aw. You do mean me, right?
- Yeah.

Do you think you could shoot me

using that filter that
makes my cheekbones all...

That filter that makes you
look like an alien?

A sexy alien.

Sure. I guess there's
just one more question.

If Spencer ever got around
to building that home gym.

I was never going to use a home gym.

- Ah!
- Oh, that's right.

I forgot about
my marionette-making phase.

I keep them up here because
it's away from the knives.

Mm, why does that one look like Carly?

I made one that looks
like you too, Freddie,

but I sold it to Nora Dershlit.

Is this a good idea?

I mean, what would I even do
on the show?

Old, goofy stuff, new,
sophisticated stuff?

Just find something that
makes you smile. Go from there.

Those dachshunds always made me smile.

Who put those up there?

I've never seen those before in my life.

Aw. The idiot farm girl.

You know what? This really
does look like a squirrel.

Oh, my God. The sack. These were so fun.

Yeah, until Sam superglued
my drawstring closed

and left me here overnight.

Yeah. That was a rough night for me too.

He would not stop screaming.

George, the bra that told ghost stories.

I never did grow into you.

See, you came up with all
this stuff when you were a kid.

Imagine what you can do now.

And we'll help however we can.

I'm really glad to hear
you say that because...

I thought it might still be here.

Damn it.

We're back.

In five, four,

three, two...

Welcome to the new "iCarly".

Ooh, looks like she's already
got a few viewers.

Probably bots from Brazil.

This is still "iCarly",
but it's grown-up now.

So today I thought I'd share
my skin-care routine.

According to the many,
many targeted ads I get,

it's never too early to start using...

anti-aging products!

Even for Baby Spencer.

Yeah! That's me!

None of these products
were tested on animals,

just one tiny, little lucky infant.

Oh, I feel lucky!
In no way am I worried.

- Here we go.
- Oh.

Oh, I think he needs a lot more.

- Some more?
- No. That's enough already.

I don't think this is how you do it.

I love this serum.

I actually panic-bought it
when I was at a 7-Eleven,

and the guy there called me ma'am.

I don't know what he's so upset about.

I pay people to do this to me.

They say that by the time
you need skin care,

it's already too late,

but you should still spend
all your money on it.

And in the end, it's just
an expensive reminder

we're all going to die someday.

That's a little emo for
a comedy show, don't you think?

- Sheet mask.
- What?

- Yup. Here you go.
- Ah! No!

People are weirdly loving this.

I'm totally hating it!

Enough of that, baby.
And now we're just going to...

That's cold.

- Roll it all up.
- I don't like that feeling.

- And we're going to absorb...
- Ow.

- All the moisturizer.
- It's cold.

You ready for the lip mask?

Oh, I don't know what it is, but I am.

- Right here.
- Okay.

Okay. You're going to want to
keep your mouth nice and shut.

That sounds good.

This lip mask is actually
made out of laundry detergent.

Kinda of seems like we never left.

A toast to my sister, Carly.

- To Carly.
- To Carly.

Also I decided not to call
the Jonas people.

Let someone else have the world record.

It's not why I made the sculpture,

and it's not why I love it.

- Still not for me.
- Damn it.

I think the sculpture is great.

Do all the pieces still move?

You tell me.

I... I love it.

- You do?
- Absolutely.

It's about setting your own self on fire

and then rebuilding
from the ashes like a phoenix.

If you want to oversimplify it, sure.

You know, you really had me going

with the whole world record thing,

but I guess that was just a part of it.

Performance art.

It wasn't supposed
to catch on fire, was it?

Never is.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -