All language subtitles for Cooper.Barretts.Guide.To.Surviving.Life.S01E11_English

In your 20's,
dating can be exhausting,

and if you're doing it
for the wrong reasons,

it can make you feel like,

well... garbage.

And also, sometimes,

like the walls are closing in.

(chuckles)

I just can't miss today.

Help?

Help!

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

Damn it, Barry.

I forgot how hard you hit, man.

(laughs)

I like to think of myself

as an unbleached Sammy Sosa.

Could you guys spare a moment

to save a child's life?

Ah, if you'd said "dog,"

I would've been in, but sorry.
BARRY: Mm...

You know, if you really want
to raise some money,

I can pose for a shirtless
calendar for you.

I got ten seductive

ways of climbing
out of a pool.

My name's Barry.

I'm Paige.

(clears throat)
I'm Neal,

and, uh, if you're
looking for a Mr. November

I've been told I have perfectly
symmetrical nipples.

Well, I just might have to make
you prove that to me.

Uh, guys...?

All right.

Uh... this kid's cute.

I'll save this one.

Sorry, he's already
been snatched up.

Oh, well, at least I tried.

I'm Cooper.

Hannah.
Hey.

I know we just met,
but the fact that we both value

the lives of children makes me
think that we're soul mates.

(sweetly): Oh...

(chuckles)

Barry is all talk.

I act on my love
of children.

Nah...

I'm gonna retract
that last statement.

Paige, can I buy you a drink?

Uh, actually, no need,
I...

I'm gonna buy Paige a drink.

(whispering):
Can you loan me eight dollars?

Are you for real?
Yeah.

(clicks tongue)
Okay, thank you.

So, um, Hannah,
(clears throat)

what's it like being a vegan?

Well, uh, other than having

a severe iron deficiency

and the bones of a 50-year-old,

there's literally no downside.

I've eaten nothing
but buffalo wings

for the past three weeks, so...

(laughs)

Can you imagine?

(laughing):
Yeah, that'd be crazy, right?

(laughs)

Those girls are so college.

(snores)

It's, like, they're
not even cute, right?

I don't know;
I don't see women.

Josh, open your eyes.

The blonde's a smoke show.

I'm so done
with immature guys.

Do you know I haven't been on
a real date in, like, forever?

Look, if you're really
serious about meeting someone,

I've got this client
I've been trying to sign:

very successful,
recently divorced...

Josh, I'm sure Kelly

has her eye on someone else.

Oh, that's right,

you're saving yourself
for Cooper.

I'm not; if that
was gonna happen,

it would have
happened by now.

(Cooper and Hannah laughing)

You know what?

Have your friend call me.

(phone buzzing)

Oh, my God!
Hannah keeps sending me

pics of starving kids with
the hashtag perspective.

Hashtags really
make me think.

Dude, what's up, man?

Why you being so picky?

Why don't you ask her out?

Unless you're
waiting on Kelly.

I'm not waiting for Kelly.

All right? Maybe you're
waiting for Kelly.

Oh, yeah, by the way,
I'm about to start dating

that girl me and Neal was
hitting on the other day, okay?

So don't tell him 'cause his
feelings are gonna be hurt.

Dude-dude-dude, okay.

Don't tell Barry.

I just got a text
from that girl, Paige.

We're totally going out.

Chalk one up

(singsongy):
for the bowl cut.

(whoops)

Well, this is awesome.

(phone rings)

Hey, bro.
Hello, Cooper.

I just wanted to let you know

that I was considering

setting up Kelly
with a potential client.

"But I wanted to check
with you first,

"out of respect for any
existing romantic feelings

between you and Kelly..."

This sounds so stupid.

Just read the card.

"Josh" doesn't talk like this.

"Josh" talks terribly,
so read what I wrote.

What are you asking me?

Kelly wanted me to set her up

with one of my clients.

Really?

Is that cool?

Uh...
(phone buzzes)

JOSH:
If it's not, just let me know.

COOPER: In that case...

No, it's fine.

Set it up.
Awesome.

All right, see you later, bud.
COOPER: Uh-huh.

Now this is for your mom
about Thanksgiving.

I'm done with the card...
She's on the phone.

She's on the phone?
Shh.

"Hello, Mom, Leslie and I

"love spending Thanksgiving

"with you guys,
but this year

we will be going to
Leslie's parents' house."

Thank you.

Hey, Neal,
what are you doing here?

Listen, I've got some news,

and I think it's gonna
sting a little.

Okay, I got some news
for you, too,

so you might want
to brace yourself.

I'll brace myself,

right after you
hold onto your hat.

Okay, I'll hold onto my hat,

but when I say,
"Brace yourself,"

I mean you might want
to get in a doorframe

and stock up on water.

All right, well, when I say,
"Hold onto your hat,"

I mean go find a storm cellar

and sew that sucker
to your scalp.

I'm getting the sense
we both dating Paige.

Damn, I was getting
that feeling myself.

BARRY:
Damn.
Hey, guys.

Paige, what the hell?

Are you dating both of us?

You're busted.
PAIGE: I'm not busted.

Look, I invited you both.

Self busted.

Nobody is busted.

I find you both
very attractive

and I'd like to date you both.

I'm polyamorous.

You said your
name was Paige.

You guys,

it's 2016.

Polyamorous means that

I can love multiple people
simultaneously

in an honest and
nonpossessive way.

Hold on, when we
met yesterday,

you said your
name was Paige!

I just feel like
the both of us

competing over a girl

isn't gonna end well.

Oh, this isn't a competition.

Besides,
you've both already won,

because we're all going out.

So, what do you say?

Do we gotta
touch each other?

Not if you don't want to.

Cool.
Cool.

(phone buzzes
as ringtone plays)

Hi.

Just because he'd
be my biggest client,

put me on a path to partnership,

don't feel any pressure
to not act like a lady tonight.

LESLIE:
Josh!

Could I have one
conversation without you

side coaching?
I think we both know
the answer to that.

KELLY: Guys...
I'm on the phone.

...shut up.
He's here.

Okay, I'm really nervous.

No, no, no, don't be,
you're gonna love him.

He's smart,

he's sophisticated...

Hello, my dear.

He's also a little old.

Have fun.

I gotta tell you,
I'm having a great time.
Me, too.

It almost took my mind off
of the millions of women

being sold into sex
trafficking every year.

Well, that was my goal.

Do you want to come back
to my place?

Sure, yeah.

This is me.

How so?

This is where I live.
Wait, you're homeless?

Not homeless:

shelter non-specific.

Sounds a lot like homeless.

Until Los Angeles chooses
to take responsibility

for its affordable
housing crisis,

I will choose to live here.

Come on, check out my tent.

Your tent...?
Oh, please, take your
shoes off first.

Sure, yeah, of course, that...

makes total sense.

Well, that was a
wonderful evening.

(wry laugh)

Yeah, it was.
Thank you, Steve.

(laughs) Up top.

(both laughing)

Kelly...

how do I leave you?

(sighs)
No, seriously, I'm asking.

I left my glasses
at the restaurant.

They're on your head, Steve.

Eh?

Ah! (chuckles)

And there you are.

(both chuckle)

Now, let's see, uh...
this way?

Yes.

(both kissing)
Good night.

Bye-bye.

Hey!

Hi!

Hi. (nervous laugh)

Josh said you had a date.
Yeah.

Yeah, I did, too, it was, uh,
was fantastic.

Oh, yeah, mine was better
than fantastic.

Mine was, dare I say, enchanted.

Oh, no way, that's crazy,

'cause, uh, my date
literally used the words,

"Better than enchanted,"
to describe the date.

Where are your shoes?

I donated them
to the homeless.

Hannah really taught me
the importance of giving back.

I think your foot's bleeding.

That's a First World problem,
Kelly.

(laughing): Hannah's awesome.
So is Steve.

All right,
good to see you. Okay.
Okay.

See ya.
All right, have a good one.

(all laughing)
Thank you so much.

I can't believe I didn't
know what Jenga was.

I had a really good time.

Me, too.
Me, too.

Group hug?
(all chuckling, cooing)

All right, good night, sweetie.

All right, see you.
Good night, boo.

Bye, Cooper.

BOTH:
Good night.

We don't have to touch

each other unless we want to.

(Barry and Neal chuckle)

If it's any consolation,
my night was still weirder.

But... what's weird
about our night?

Never said it was weird.

Yeah, why our night
got to be weird?

Just got off the phone
with Steve,

and he is dying to go out
with you again.

He's dying in general.

I'm not doing that,
I'm not going out with him.

Well, then,

that does it--
I shall never

speak of this again.

Good job, honey.

Kelly, I need this.

Please.

He really likes you

and he'd be a huge client.

Just go out with him
one more time.

What, you literally just said

that I didn't have to...

I know what I said!
I'm sorry.

I just...

Before you pass,

Steve mentioned that

he might be sending
over a little gift.

You think I'm gonna go out
with him just because

he sends me over
something fancy?

I'm sorry, Josh,
that's not how I roll.

Spoiler alert: it's a $150,000
electric car that drives itself.

(giggling)

No, Kelly, you cannot
keep this car, mm-mm.

Even if it is awesome
and drives like a spaceship.

(giggling):
Oh, my God!

No, no! Give it back!

Oh, my God, look at this,
I'm not even driving right now.

This is so awesome.

No, stop it!

Hi.
Why are you screaming

at yourself in
somebody else's car?

Oh, it's actually a gift
from my old boyfriend.

I mean, my new boyfriend.

And that's okay because
I make my own money, so...

Yeah, well, my girlfriend
gave me the gift

of social consciousness,
so... don't feel bad.

Okay, I don't.
(chuckles) Oh!

Looks like I gotta go,
Cooper, mm...

It's so quiet!

Oh, God, this is so cool.

You can't keep it!

Shut up, Kelly.

My feet are cold.

BOTH:
I'm on it!

Damn it!

Oh, Neal, I love the touch

of your tiny little hands.

In yo' face.

Barry...
Hmm?

do you want to
make out with me?

I guess so.

(Barry chuckles)

In yo' face...

Hey, sorry to interrupt...

the worst Cinemax movie ever.

Can I talk to Neal and Barry
for a second?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

I will just excuse myself

to one of your bedrooms.

But which one, boys?

Which one?

Did you guys know
Kelly has a boyfriend?

Yep, he gave her
a self-driving car

like it was nothing.

Ooh, that red one?

I took it for a test drive
this morning

and it crashed itself.

Her car's black.

Oh, my God.

I'm about to be
on the news again.

Is Kelly dating bothering you?

What? No, no, come on,

I-I-I have a girlfriend, so...

You mean the homeless one?

I mean, sure, she's not perfect,

but I-I can mold her.

I just have to be like the...

the Richard Gere
to her Pretty Woman.

Cool, I'll be Tom Skerritt
from Top Gun.

Can I be Val Kilmer, but...

from Batman?

Hannah, you look
great in that dress.

Dress?

You mean,
male shackle garment.

All right, well, you know,

I bought it in
the dress section

of a place called
Dress Barn,

so, let's just
go with dress.

You know, I have to say,
I was skeptical

of a big, romantic,
materialistic night out,

but you were right,
this has been fun.

Oh, my God,
look at that necklace.

It's pretty, right?

You know,
the salespeople

would probably just look
down their noses at you

if you walked in
a store like that,

but then I'd give them
my credit card,

we'd come back in like a week,
after a makeover...

and before you know it...
(screaming)

(glass shatters, alarm blaring)

You broke a window.
Those are blood diamonds!

Good eye.
We should probably run.

(siren wailing in distance,
alarm continues blaring)

(sighs)

(siren approaching)

Okay, I think we're safe.

(both screaming)

Cooper, look, diapers.

These are great
for insulation.

You can try and change
the person you're dating,

but when that doesn't work,

there's only one thing
left to do:

rationalize.

I mean, so what if she shops
in Dumpsters, right?

I mean, the fundamentals
are there.

She's hot.

She has super shiny hair,

even though she lives in dirt.

Her nail game is on point.

Plus, she's not dating

one of my best friends,
so... (scoffs)

I can make this work.

And so can the two of us
with Paige.

Bro, she likes us both equally,

so we're not competing
with each other.

We're dating next to each other.

Oh, that makes total sense.
Mm-hmm.

No, it doesn't.
It's 2016!

I've seen the future,

and it's Barry having sex

with the woman that I love.

You guys scare me.

It's 2016!

Sure, Steve has trouble
remembering what I said,

or hearing what I said,

or staying awake while I say it,

but he's chivalrous,
and he's mature...

And incredibly rich.

Stop it, Josh.
You can't pimp out our friend.

It's not pimping;
she's just providing

companionship to
an older gentleman

for her and my
financial benefit.

That is the exact
definition of pimping.

Maybe he'll grow on me.

Maybe I'll learn to love

butterscotches,

references to Gunsmoke,

which I think is a TV show,

and I can get used
to that smell,

which I can only
imagine is cell decay.

I can make this work.

I-I can make this work.

Kelly, he could be dead
in ten years.

If you're lucky.

Plus, look at it this way,

you're a heart attack away

from owning six houses.

Come on, you know I don't
care about that stuff--

Six? Six houses?

The guy has six houses?

Stop it, Kelly!

So, "char-choo-terie" is
anything that you

can cut with
a little knife?
Exactly.

Charcuterie.
Mm.

Just imagine it has
the word "cooter" in it.

Like scooter, which is what

I hit with Kelly's car
yesterday.

Wasn't Kelly's.
Right.

Dude, this is nice, man.

Right?

I love this.

I'm on a date
with my best friend,

talking about cooters

and it counts as a mature,

grown-up relationship.

Everything's perfect.

Being romantic is awesome.

To 2016!

2016!

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

BOTH:
Oh, hey.

JOSH: All right, I want to thank
everyone for coming out tonight.

We're here to have
a-a good time,

and also to celebrate
our guest of honor.

An oil tycoon, a pioneer

in the unfairly maligned
fracking revolution,

and quite possibly

the newest client in our firm,

Steve Hodges.

Give it up.

Give it up, everybody.
Come on.

Thanks, Jo...

(Steve chuckles)

You're too kind.

Thanks, Josh.

It's been a terrific evening,

but before I say
anything else,

I would just like to thank
that very special person

who makes it all worth it,

the love of my life...

Kelly Bishop.

(applause)
MAN: Aw...

Wait, that's Kelly's Steve?

Oh, this is awesome.

And here is to a long,
long life together.

Cheers!

(many toasting)
Eh.

To Steve and Kelly!

(applause)

Thanks for coming.
Thank you.

Steve, I'm Cooper.

Cooper.
I'm Josh Barrett's brother.

I loved your speech, man.

It was great, especially
the part about Kelly.

Well, she's a fabulous gal.

(chuckles)
And speaking of fabulous gals,
who's this?

Oh, this? This is Hannah.

KELLY: Oh.
Uh, she's, uh, 23 years old.

So, Steve,

Kelly tells me you're
a military man.

That's right.
Vietnam.

Wow.

Yeah, that was, uh, the '60s.

Mm-hmm.
Ah, yeah.

I, uh, learned about
that in history class.

You can't trust

anything you learn
in history class.

It's all government
propaganda.

That's why I only

have Canadian
textbooks in my tent.

I'm sorry-- tent?

Is that slang
for something? Tent?

Uh, no, it's an actual tent

made out of
recycled parachutes.

That I live in.

That sounds really cozy.

Yeah, and it's
super warm,

thanks to the diapers

that Cooper and I
found in the Dumpster.

(nervous chuckle)

(chuckles)
STEVE: You know,
back in my day,

you'd send cloth diapers

out to be laundered
by an Oriental lady.

They're called Asians,

and you should know,
since you murdered

thousands of them
in Vietnam.

And I'd do it again.

Okay.

Okay, we're gonna get a...
fresh one.

That man is terrible, okay?

We need to go.

Can I suggest my place
this time instead of yours?

It's kind of windy.

No, I've got another
place in mind.

But it's a surprise.

Okay.

Why is that offensive?

Are they not
from the Orient?

(groaning):
Steve...

Where are we?

What's the surprise?

(glass breaks)

(lock clicks open)

Please tell me you're secretly
rich and you forgot your key.

Nope.

Hannah, you can't go in there.

Okay, I don't know
what they teach you

in Canadian textbooks,

but in this country,

you don't just break
into random houses.

This isn't a random house.

Then whose is it?

What about "Chinamen"?

Can I say "Chinamen"?

No, Steve, you can't
say "Chinamen."

Oh.

KELLY: It's "Asian."

STEVE:
Well, I can't remember that.

(silverware clinking)

(whispering):
This is Steve's house.

We need to leave, like now.

Steve Hodges represents

everything that
is wrong with America.

We're gonna hit him
where it hurts.

By stealing his fork?

Okay, we are definitely
breaking up right now.

Uh, now is not the best time

for the, "It's not you,
it's me" speech.

Well, great news,
it's definitely you,

it's not me, like, at all.

(whispering):
Hannah!

(mellow jazz playing)

(chuckles)

(laughs quietly)

Hey, question:

Can the animals
on the walls

stop staring at me?

Especially the zebra,
it's adorable.

Yes!

That was just outside

a zoo in Mozambique.

She never saw it coming,

which is why she
still looks so cute.

Uh, listen, Steve, I...

I think we should
probably talk.

Yes... I have had
many conquests,

but do you know
what my greatest

conquest of all is?

Please don't say me.

It's you, Kelly.
Okay.

(chuckling):
Oh, boy.

But now, I'm going
to get myself

a glass of Cognac
and almond milk.

Gross.
(distant thudding)

What the hell was that?

An intruder?

(laughs)

(nervously laughing)

So, I'm breaking up with you.

Humans...

the ultimate prey.

Ha... heh... hoo.

You're fielding an all-animal

football team...
Uh-huh.

Who's your running back?

No brainer: kangaroo,

'cause they don't fumble
the ball at the goal line.

That's genius.

Right...
You're genius.

Right, because, well,

he could just put the ball
in his pouch.

Right?

Uh, yeah.
Uh-huh.

Okay, what about this

you got a hockey team...
NEAL: Mm.

all actresses over 60.

Gotta put Kathy Bates
in the goal.
Guys...

you're just talking
to each other.

Ooh! Left wing: Dame Judi Dench.

Somebody's playing to win.

Guys! I feel like
what's happening here is

you two are just enjoying

each other's
company and then

having sex with me.

Uh, yeah.

Did it stop being 2016?

You know, I think maybe
I'm a little bit more

old-fashioned than
I thought, and, uh...

I think it's time
that we pair off.

Okay, well, if that's the case,

me and Neal choose each other.

Wait, what?

Barry and I have decided

that the best part
of our relationship

is our relationship.
Oh, yeah.

Okay, you guys are
making a huge mistake.

(blows raspberries)
Bye.

NEAL:
Whatever.

Bye!
Cheers.

Who needs her?
She don't know
what it's like...

(laughs)

You take out the part where
we ain't having sex with her,

us two hanging out
doesn't seem as cool.

We've made a huge mistake.

Could we please just get
the hell out of here?

No. I'm gonna
sell this stuff

and give the money
to the needy.

Can't... (mutters)

"Caution while
driving machinery"?

This one's for Hannah.

No, no, no, come on,
how are you gonna sell

Give it to me...
a used sleep apnea mask?
Come on, just...

just... let go!

(whispering):
Cooper?!

Hey, Kelly.

What are you doing?

Uh, as bad as this looks,

it's actually worse.

You guys have to get
out of here before he...

(gasps)

(grunts)

Another head for my wall.

KELLY:
Did you just kill her?

Of course not.

But I better check.

Here.
Oh, no, no, no.

Please don't
give this to me.

I don't know what it...
(gunshot)
(shouts)

COOPER: What do we do?

KELLY:
Hi.

So, for future reference:

tranq darts work extremely fast;

uh, you probably shouldn't date
someone who lives in a tent;

and as my brother's
about to find out,

pimping ain't easy.

Anyway, cheers to me
for finally signing

the man that is going
to buy me my beach house.

Oh, wait, hold on,
there's something

you should know
about Steve.

I sort of...
He's resting...

comfortably at home.
What?!

Let's let him have tonight.
(laughing):
Okay.

ALL:
To Josh!

What do you mean,
he's napping?

He's old.
Why'd you... I didn't
need to know that.

God, what was I
thinking with Steve?

Well, from the outside,
it kind of seemed like you

just hoped he'd keep
buying you things.

You were dating a cat burglar

with a prescription
drug problem.

I guess you can't just force
something to work, huh.

Yeah, it's like...

when it's right you
just kind of know...

I think I'm done dating
for a while.

At least until the
right person comes along.

I have to return the car,
don't I?

Yeah.

(whispering):
Damn you.

One last thing:

If you have great friends,
it's gonna be hard to find

a significant other
who measures up,

but it doesn't mean
it's not worth trying.

Hello! Would you
like to have sex

with the both of us while
we talk to each other?

It's 2016.

(crying)

Yeah.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH