All language subtitles for 5d9775b28f23324d29986f4a032f52d83cfe368c9e93c27f9718edad1841c6cde27fcf832912c4e7f38114fce36d9e09a9235b3ac1a03a65739a19a86d4ee

- And don't pack too tight.

The side pockets of the suitcase

are very good for small objects:

Earrings, chewing
gum, shoe polish,

needle and thread, charm
bracelets, things like that.

The top pocket is very
good for hair rollers.

Since they are plastic, they
do not pull the lid down.

Also, so your shampoo and
cosmetics don't spill,

put all your gooey
things in a plastic bag.

I call it my Icky Bag.

Today's wonderful miracle
permanent-press fabrics

are a big help for the
young girl on the move.

But for that very
special wool jacket,

there's still good
old tissue paper

to help keep out nasty creases.

You won't need tissue
for all garments,

but you will need common sense

to keep the case
from looking sloppy.

And one final tip, girls.

Pack your naughtiest
nightie right on top,

in case you need it in a hurry.

- Packing a suitcase?

What the hell kind
of talent is that?

I can pack a suitcase.

- It's the only
thing she could do

without falling off the stage.

- She is cute. I kind of
liked the nightie joke.

- That'sjust the kind of
stuff they hate at the finals.

They're not looking for sex.

- Everybody's looking for sex.

- Thank you.

(audience applauding)

- And now the
winner to represent

the Imperial County
in the State Finals,

the winner from El
Centro: Connie Thompson.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

- Thank you.

J'An all-American girl you see

J' She's all an American
girl should be

J' She wears a crown
with love and respect

J' She's a young American girl

- Smile.
J' Smile

J' Though your heart is aching

J' Smile, even though
it's breaking

J' When there are
clouds in the sky

J' You'll get by

J' If you smile through
your fear and sorrow

J' Smile and maybe tomorrow

J' You'll see the sun come
shining through for you

J' Smile though your
heart is aching

J' Smile even though
it's breaking

J' When there are
clouds in the sky

J' You get by if you smile

J' Through your fear and sorrow

J' Smile and maybe tomorrow

J' You'll see the sun
come shining through

J' For you

J' Light up your
face with gladness

J' Hide every trace of sadness

J' Although a tear
may be ever so near

J' That's the time you
must keep on trying

J' Smile, what's
the use of crying

J' You'll find that life
is still worthwhile

J' If you just smile

(bright music)

J' That's the time you
must keep on trying

J' Smile, what's
the use of crying

J' You'll find that life
is still worthwhile

J' If you just smile

- Girls! Now, there are
only two things to remember.

Just be yourselves,
and keep smiling!

- Hello, girls.

My name is Mr. Wilson Shears
and I am the president

of this year's Young
American Miss Pageant.

I know you all must
be kind of pooped,

but I do have a couple
of announcements.

First, as regards your luggage.

Your luggage will be
arriving in the lobby.

Some of your luggage
will be arriving.

Seems there's been a
mix-up at the airport.

- Girls, keep smiling.

We'll have all of your luggage

delivered to your
host parent's home.

- Yes, we will.

Now, I have one
further announcement

from the Veterans War
Memorial Auditorium

Maintenance Director
and his staff.

- That's me and you, Logan.

- "It is requested that
the girls do not dispose

of their sanitary
napkins in the commodes.

"Since there are so
many girls in the hall

"and since a sanitary napkin
is thick and difficult."

Well, just don't do it.

Now, I'd like to
turn things over

to someone I'm sure you all
know, Miss Brenda DiCarlo,

who is the supervisor
of this year's pageant

and a former Young
American Miss, Brenda.

- His breathing rate
is approximately-

- Now, if you'll just follow
me and the Mother Hens.

- Do you think the announcement

about the toilets
will help, Mr. Nakas?

- I'm so sorry I
forgot to tell you

about Mr. French's phone call.

- That's all right, dear.

- This is all so new to me.

- Just being out of
the house is new to me.

- Here.

Brenda, you're so
organized and everything.

How do you do it?

- I don't know.

I get tired but I
just keep going.

Somebody has to do the job.

Girls, you're now
in No Man's Land.

It's called that for obvious
reasons. Everyone come in.

You're gonna be spending
a lot of time in here

so get familiar with
it and find your coop.

Now, your coop is run
by your Mother Hen.

You'll see three girls.

Janet, would you turn
the board around?

On the board you're going
to see three color groups.

Simi Valley. I'm Maria Gonzales.

I forget your name, but I
see your name in the paper-

Karen.

Well, we're roommates.

So I come up and
say hello to you.

- Nice to meet you.

- I have to go sing.
I see you later.

Ancl I want to see
all the other girls

finding their Mother Hens.

Okay, blues. Whoever's a blue.

All right. You're
blue? Yes, right.

Of course, I remember you.

All right, every blue here.

We're gonna learn
the opening song,

which is here on the board.

And nobody's being
judged here, okay?

J' Ready to start out,
singing our hearts out

Robin Gibson, right?

Hi, I'm Doria. We're roommates.

J' Built by youth
you'll see today

- I'm supposed to learn
this song with them.

- Sure, I'll see
you later, okay?

Good, that's not bad at all.

Let's start just
from there again.

Let's take it from the top.

If you love the open
road as much as I do,

Tone, my guy right
here, that's the one.

If you're worried about
credit pal, forget it.

We don't worry about
it, why should you?

Hey, Brenda! How are you?

Be with you in two
shakes of a lamb's tail.

Go in and park your carcass.

Tony, this beauty here holds
5O gallons of gasoline.

Now what does Uncle
Sam say to us?

He says, "Don't store gasoline."

We all agree with
that, don't we?

But with all these
crazy Arabs around,

who knows what
they're gonna do next?

You have to admit it's
a safe feeling knowing

you're sleeping on top
of 5O gallons of gas.

Well, we'll have
to think that over.

Thinking, that's what
this game is all about.

You must think it over, Tony.

I'm gonna give you
one of my cards.

That's my home phone
number on there.

Call me 365 days a year.

All of Big Bob Freelander's
customers are also his friends.

How about that? A
balloon for Mom.

You think it over,

and I'd say you got an
early October here, right?

Okay, the three of
you think it over.

Leonard, line 2.

- Sorry to keep you
waiting, Brenda.

- That's fine.

- Are those the applications?

- Yes, indeed. 33 this year.

Really? Six more
than last year? Wow!

And we got San Diego.

- You are doing a
bang-upjob, Brenda.

- Thank you.

- Any real lookers this year?

- Oh, you men.

What do you mean us men?

You women are checking
each other out

a lot more than
any man I ever saw.

You're always the first ones

to sneak a look at the
centerfold of Playboy.

- That's not true.

- Are those the name tags?

- Do you like it?

- Do I like it.

Boy, gold this year, huh?

No, just yours is.

The rest are only silver.

Brenda, thank you.
That's really nice.

Well, I've got a
Jaycette meeting.

So, goodbye.

See you tomorrow when
all the action starts.

And don't do anything
I wouldn't do.

Don't worry.

Say, Brenda, where's your
hubby been hiding out?

Andy? Hiding?

Well, I missed him the last
couple of Jaycee luncheons.

He had a touch of the flu.

You'd better start taking
better care of him than that.

He was my friend
first, you know.

Right.

You stole him from me.

Hello, muffin.
How's my sweetheart?

No, darling, you can't go out.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

- I see you got dinner.

- Yep. Now dinner's getting me.

Another evening of
sarcasm and self-pity.

- Brenda, I'm sorry.

- I'm tired.

Yeah, we're all tired.

You guys do it to me every time.

Somebody's been fooling
with my thermostat again.

Little Bob?

MOm!

(bird chirping)

Hey, Roberta, have you
seen my applications?

No, honey. Do you have
to work on those tonight?

It's pageantry time.
No rest for the weary.

I'll tell you what we
are gonna do, though,

after this week of pageantry.

You and I are gonna sneak off

and have us a romantic
little weekend.

- How about Little Bob?

- No, not this time.
Little Bob's out.

Where are we going?

I thought we'd go to Disneyland.

- Yeah, I got my dad's
application book.

- Who's the sexiest?

I can't tell.

The pictures are just
faces, no bodies.

There's one from Simi Valley
who looks pretty good.

But she's sticking out
where the picture ends.

So she's either got
great tits or she's fat.

Does she look like
she's been laid?

How should I know, Chuck?

They don't write down whether
or not they're virgins.

Don't mess this up.

There's a lot of money
in it for both of us.

Quit worrying, Chuck.
I'll take care of my end.

Now, are you sure
Freddy's got the Polaroid?

- Little Bob!

- Talk to you later, Chuck.

Little Bob, have you
seen the applications?

There they are.

Sorry, Dad, were you
looking for these?

I was just reading some of them.

You were?

You know something, Dad?

I know I sort of
put down the pageant

the last couple of years.

But after reading
these applications,

I can see why you want
to help these girls.

They seem very worthwhile.

Right on, son.

These are the finest bunch

of high school
girls in the state.

You want to know something else?

One of the most exciting
things about growing up:

One day, you find
yourself being interested

in all sorts of new things.

You are tops.

- Can I have these now?

- Yeah.

No rest for the weary this week.

" Dad?

- Yeah.

Are there many fat
girls in the contest?

No. Not usually.

J' We can see a bright tomorrow

J' Built by youth you see today

J' We have faith, we have hope

J' We can see a brighter day

What are you doing?

I was just looking at
this man's shaving stuff.

Believe it or not,
I've never been

in a bathroom a man uses before.

Well, I haven't, either. Hardly.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant that I
never had a brother

or father or anything.

- I grew up with just my mom.

- Where's your father?

He died when I was two.

Wow, I'm sorry, Rob.

Don't worry about it.

I really think it
makes other people

feel worse than it does me.

I don't even remember
him. I was only two.

You know what? It could
help you in this contest.

Getting to be a top
high-school senior

without a father to help you.

Jesus, was that an
awful thing to say?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, do you really think

that things like
having no father,

and stuff like
that helps up here?

Yeah, everything counts up here.

Your grades, your personality,
the judges' conference.

Jesus, I like it better

when they just judge
your tits and ass.

- Have you been in one of those?

- Yeah.

- I won Miss Teenage Complexion.

- I don't think I've
heard of that one.

It was sponsored by this
horny old dermatologist

in Orange County.

He rented a room at
the Disneyland Hotel

got 16 girls in bathing suits

and he had his own
beauty contest.

You're kidding me!

Well, didn't you get mad?

No. I won $200 and
had a wart removed.

I think the biggest help
in my life has been my mom.

Well, both my parents, really.

Perhaps the judges' conference

is the single most
important test

of what a Young American
Miss is really made of.

What I mean is the valuable

and the fulfillment is
just helping others.

Sandra Kay, tell me what
you think about Women's Lib.

Well, I think it's
kind of silly.

What I mean is, it's
not so important.

Where is he? We're supposed
to start rehearsals.

This is my first
year as President.

The Jaycees are counting on me.

- What if he doesn't show up?

- Don't worry, he'll be here.

I don't know why we had
to go and hire this guy.

I don't know why we
couldn't have hired

the guy we had last year.

That homosexual
from San Francisco.

Now listen, I
worked long and hard

to get Tommy French
for this show.

It was a great coup.

He's never staged a
local pageant before.

- Doesn't look like he's
gonna stage this one.

_ DQn"[ WOITY-

Sandra Kay Mathic:
Miss Louisiana!

These scholarships
are made possible

by the optimistic support

of the pageant's national
sponsors: Clairol and Denny's.

The big show in Baton
Rouge is telecast

nationally, and for
the past four years

has been conceived and
directed by Mr. Tommy French.

Although Mr. French is famous

for his smooth
professional choreography

he impresses on each girl
that their youthful enthusiasm

is the main ingredient
of the big show.

We should never have hired
a guy that expensive.

Expensive people
are always late.

- Where the hell is he?

- Relax, I'm here.

Mr. French is the Hollywood
professional and choreographer

of many of your favorite
television programs.

We know each of the
girls has profited-

I look older in person, don't I?

Have any of you had
any dance experience?

- Does square dancing count?

- Not with me, dear.

Now, ladies, first
pick up the pompom.

One, two.

Ready?

One, two.

Sensational.

Tambourines.

One, two.

And one, two.

A real showstopper.

Bamboo poles.

I don't have a bamboo pole.

One, two, three, four.

Ready?

And one, two, three.

Very nice. Work on it.

Well, first I do Spring is
Here, and then I do Summer Sun,

then I do the first
half of Autumn Leaves,

and I finish with
Winter Wonderland.

I call it A Song
for All Seasons.

Cute. Now have you got an
arrangement for all this?

No, I just thought you'd
sort of follow along.

Hear that, boys? We just
sort of follow along.

Okay, ready, four and.

J' Spring is here

J' Why doesn't my
heart go dancing

What's the matter?

I'm sorry.

Well, I usually do
this to my own tape

and live music sounds a
lot different from a tape.

That's right, dear. We count
on that to make a living.

That one from Fountain
Valley looks pretty good.

I got a fountain she can
water her valley with.

- Let me see.

- You shouldn't be
allowed to use these

the way you screwed things up!

- I didn't.

It's not my fault my mom took

the Polaroid to her
Art Photography class!

You should've known.

This could be our last shot
at these girls, dickhead!

Dickhead?

Okay, no big damage done!

We can pull it off tomorrow.

You better not mess
up tomorrow, Freddy.

We already got $22 in orders.

That much, Little Bob?

You know that new kid, the fat
one, never suits up for gym?

He bought $8 worth himself.

Wow! Look at that
one from Bakersfield.

I got something she
could bake in her field.

I hate him.

Ah right, that'll be another $1

for slandering a fellow officer.

You see, old Phil'sjust mad
because his auto repair shop

isn't doing as well
as my mortuary.

We sell more caskets
than he does gaskets.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce
our very special guest

from the Young
American Miss Pageant,

first of all, Mrs.
Brenda DiCarlo,

who is the pageant supervisor.

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

Brenda, of course, is the wife

of our fellow
Bear, Andy DiCarlo.

Stand up, Andy.

I think old Andy's
gonna get fined twice.

Once for not showing up,

and once for having
such a beautiful wife.

Where is he?

Let's give Brenda and all
the other pretty young girls

a growling Bears' welcome!

Are you having a
good time up here?

- Pretty good.

- Very good.

Good.

I'm glad you
appreciate it so much.

I do. It's such an
incredible experience for me.

I mean, I've never done
anything like this in my life.

Santa Rosa is so beautiful.

I mean, I thought the
shopping mall in Anaheim

was great until I saw yours.

It's a credit to the vision
of your business community.

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

Next.

- Hi, I'm Robin Gibson.

- Speak up, dear.

Hi, I'm Robin Gibson. Antelope
Valley's Young American Miss.

Thank you for
inviting me to lunch.

Next.

I'm Maria Gonzales. Salinas'
Young American Miss.

And since you gentlemen have
been nice enough to feed us,

I would like to feed you with
this homemade guacamole dip.

It's a typical dish of
my native land, Mexico.

You like to try?

How about that?

(audience applauding)

I suppose Santa Rosa

means so much to me
as a Mexican-American

because Santa Rosa is
Spanish for "Saint Rose."

I knew when you
stopped showing up

at the Bears and the Optimist

that you must really
be down in the dumps.

Yeah, I guess.

Look, I want to go someplace
where you can get a drink.

- How about a Major Weenie?

- Oh, no!

A foot of fun.

- Woof, woof, Your
order, please.

- Hiya, PUP-

Wanna fetch us two El Majors

a couple orders of fries,
and two vanilla shakes.

No, make it make it one vanilla
shake and one black coffee.

- Will that be all?

- I think so, Major.

Are you sure you don't
want a vanilla shake, Andy?

You'll be sorry.

You know, sometimes I
think it's this town

that's getting to me.

I mean, I've lived here
all my life, right?

Maybe I should go someplace
completely new, a big city.

Andy, the grass
is always greener

on the other side of the hill.

Andy, you're crazy to think
about moving to a big city.

I had my own mortuary
in LA for eight years,

hell, the pace damn
near killed me!

You get caught on the
Hollywood freeway at 4:00 pm

with a loaded hearse,
and you're in trouble.

- The big one's for you.

- I always knew you
were a big weenie.

What the holy hell
you doin here?

Haven't you just had
lunch with the girls?

I'm getting lunch
for my embalmers.

They don't like to go out.

Takes them too long
to wash their hands.

Andy, you stop all this
talk about leaving town,

do you hear me?

Come on, can we get out of here?

Andy!

Who's gonna pay
for all this stuff?

That's another thing I
hate about this town.

Everybody's always
sticking his nose

in everybody else's business.

- I want a drink.

- All righty, we'll
go to my office.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to
have one toddy for the body.

Actually, I feel
just the opposite.

Atta boy.

I like to know my neighbors.

Especially in a
small town like this.

Don't you, really?

I'm beginning to think
that's a crock of shit, too.

Come on, Andy. You're
just having a bad day.

I mean, look at all the razzing

we have at all those meetings.

The teasing, all of the
fining, all that stuff.

- But that's all really
just fun, isn't it?

- Doesn't seem like
fun to me anymore.

I never know what to say to you

when you say something
like that to me.

I know something
that will be fun.

This Friday night, huh?

The cry of the Rooster.

Come on, you actually
gonna sit there and tell me

this coming Friday night at
the Exhausted Rooster Ceremony,

that you're not gonna
have a good time?

Bullshit! That's the
stuff I'm talking about!

That a guy turns 35, and
the Jaycees make a big deal

about tossing him out
because he's too old?

Listen to yourself.
What did you just say?

"A guy turns 35."

That's really what's
bugging you, isn't it?

That you're about to turn 35?

Maybe.

Or maybe I don't see what's fun

about kissing a
dead chicken's ass.

That's 'cause you
haven't tried it.

"Certainly, external
beauty is important

"but the National Committee
would like to remind all judges

"of that which Bacon had
in mind, when he said:

"That is the best
part of beauty,

"which a picture cannot express.

"We're looking for
an inner beauty.

"A depth of personality,
a plain zest for living.

"In short, select a girl
that you would be proud

"to have as your own daughter."

Any questions?

- How long do we
have with each girl?

- 1O minutes.

Marie, could you
tell us why you think

you'd like to go
into missionary work?

In your own words.

It's like if I can share my
culture with someone else

that way I can
learn about theirs

and enrich my own
life as well as,

hopefully, enriching theirs.

Plus, the idea of
helping one another.

Do you get an enjoyment
out of helping others?

Yes, I have.

We have a handicapped
Olympics every year

and we help them
get to their races

and their events on time.

And, their winning isjust...

It's the most fantastic
thing to experience.

Not only themselves,
but yourself,

forjust helping a little.

Well, I'd like to be a nurse.

I think that would be
one of the best ways

that I could do things
for other people.

You see, I want to be a
veterinarian, or a nun

because I like helping others.

Yeah, lthink it
would be a lot of fun.

I like helping people.

Robin, I noticed that
in your senior year

you went to work part-time
at J.C. Penney's.

And yet you still managed to
keep your 4.0 grade average.

Did you find that difficult,

to work and still
get good grades?

Of course.

I'll bet you found that
the experience of working

was an education in itself.

Yes, it was. I met a lot of
different kinds of people.

- And did you-

- What would...

Go right ahead,
Father. It's all yours.

What would you do
if your best friend

was unwed and pregnant?

Excuse me?

Would you advise her to have
the baby or seek an abortion?

I thought a lot
about that last year

when California was
thinking about voting

on whether to legalize
abortion or not.

I read a lot about that, and
my mom and I talked about it.

And?

What did you decide?

I decided I was glad I
wasn't old enough to vote.

That's a terrific
answer, Father.

I see here that you've been
a flutist for nine years.

Boy, you must have been so
small when you started out that

that was practically the only
instrument you could hold.

I love the flute. I'm gonna
play it in the pageant.

By the looks of all these
wonderful music awards

that you've won
we're certainly in

for quite a treat, aren't we?

Why do you like to
play the flute, dear?

In your own words.

Lots of reasons, I guess.

Well, it sounds so pretty.

And when I play it right,
it fills me up inside.

I do guess I like
being in the spotlight,

it's glamorous and exciting.

And you must be
pleased as punch,

making all those
other people happy.

Pardon me?

The other people who
are listening to you
playing the flute.

Nothing lightens
a person's spirit

or brightens their load
like a little music.

- Isn't that right, Robin?

- Oh, yes.

I think my music is one of the
best ways I can help others.

Jerry, you told me
Fort Worth was all set,

and now they want
to lower the price.

I realize it's a summer show,

but why should they
pay so much less?

Shit.

It's harder to stage
dances in the summer.

It's more sweat.

Tell them there's
absolutely no way

I'll take the job at that price.

And if that doesn't work, then
fall on your knees and beg.

I'll be back Sunday,
unless I decide

to stay here for
the polling seminar.

Oh, Well.

Mr. French, we have a
show to do in two days.

You're 4O minutes late.

- Forgive me, Mr. Sheep.

- That's Shears.

I realize that you and I

have gotten off to
a rather shaky start

but things don't have
to stay that way.

What do you say?

Let's keep it shaky.

Okay, girls.

Oh, hell. It's 6 feet
too tall. I told you.

Oh, no.

Take it from the faith
and hope stuff, right?

J' Ready to start out,
singing our hearts out

J' We'll see a bright tomorrow

J' Built by youth you see today

J' We have faith, we have hope

J' We can see a brighter day

J' We're here singing

IAnd we're here to dance

Move!

IAnd everyone's here
with an equal chance

J' To be crowned a
Young American

J' Young American Miss

(upbeat music)

And one, kick, three and four!

Hold it!

- Another luncheon.

- Are these the guys that roar?

No, these are the ones
with tassels on their hats.

Folks, please, now
this is No Man's Land,

and I'm telling
you, you can't get-

(upbeat music)

Where is he?

We should have never let

the little asshole
Freddy in on this.

He better show! We now
have $36 worth of orders.

Jesus!

I got it all worked out.
$1.50 for back shot with butt.

$2.50 for frontal shots.

And $5 if I can get a shot

with two naked girls
touching each other.

Where's Freddy?

- What took you so long?

- I got here, didn't I?

Complete with camera and
my own personal zoom lens.

You're weird, Freddy.

- Where's the film?

- Isn't it in there?

- No.

- But in the ads, the
film is always in there.

You asshole! I'm
gonna kick your butt!

Come on!

- You're dead!

- We got no time to argue.

You tore my shirt, you faggot!

So we missed the girls
putting on their clothes.

We'll get some
film and catch them

when they come back from lunch
taking off their clothes.

Yeah. Taking off their clothes.

Let's go. Boy, I can't
wait to see these pictures.

You want to see something

that will develop even
faster than the film?

Pick up my bike.

Eat it!

- Hello, boys.

- Hello, Mr. Greener.

Have you got film
for this camera?

We've been to two other
stores, and they're both out.

You're in luck.

Guaranteed shipment coming in
first thing in the morning.

- Santa Rosa sucks.

- Wait a minute, boys.

If there's something
special happening,

I'll lend you a
camera with film.

- You will?

- Sure.

Would this be a Polaroid camera?

Sorry, those babies
are never for loan.

So you'd have to send
the film to a lab?

Sure. But, don't worry.

I'll check every print myself.

No, thanks, Mr.
Greener, we'll be back

in the morning for
the Polaroid film.

J' Even Jake, the plumber

J' He's a man I adore

J' Had the nerve to tell me
he's been married before

J' Everyone knows that I'm
just Secondhand Rose

J' From Second Avenue

oV Vey!

Next.

Well, hello.

Are you here to sing
or to make butter?

They told me to come in costume.

No, dear, that's tomorrow.

I don't like that music man.

He's mean to the
Young American Misses.

It's a depressing
thing to see one person

being mean to another person.

I need a drink.

For those who think young.

What is it, Mr. Nakas?

It's starting.

I told them it would
start, and it started.

- What?

- The pipes are backed up.

I can hear them moaning and
grumbling and starting to choke.

I can't hear nothing.

I got an acute sense
of hearing pipes.

There they go.

They're fed up with
swallowing Kotex.

Who wouldn't be?

I don't really think of it
as a competition that much

because we all want to win,

but we're not really
competing with each other.

We're more friends.

I guess I'll just be
happy that I was here.

I think it was a good
opportunity for me

and I've met a lot of people.

Next to my mom and dad,

I guess I'd have to
say my accordion.

The Young American Miss from
Salinas, Maria Gonzales.

- Yes, ma'am.

- You're next.

What is that, dear?

I thought the judges
would be hungry

after helping us so long,

so I made them a specialty
of my native land.

It's guacamole dip.

Like you did for the Bears.

Si.

God, how can you stand
being her roommate?

It's all right.

She spends most of her
time in the kitchen

making guacamole dip.

Abraham Lincoln and Pancho
Villa symbolize my own theory.

Hello, this is
Ernestine, the operator,

calling for Miss Pearl Bailey.

Well, I'm sorry if she's tired,

but could you please put her on?

It's very important.

Their parents made them
beautiful, not them.

I got it.

Boys get money and scholarships

for making a lot of
touchdowns, right?

Why shouldn't a girl get one
for being cute and charming?

Yeah, but maybe
boys shouldn't be

getting money for
making touchdowns.

Hello, this is
Ernestine, the operator.

Who am I speaking to?

This is Edith
Bunker, the dingbat.

And one, two, three, four.

Coming along. Okay,
now watch this.

And kick and bend.

No, if you kick and
bend at the same time,

you're going to
knock yourself out.

All right, once again.
Here we go, and...

J' Spring is here

J' Why doesn't the
breeze delight me

J' Stars appear

J' Why doesn't the
night invite me

J' Maybe it's because
nobody loves me

I went to Juilliard for this?

We all went to Juilliard.

J' Spring is here, I hear

J' Summer in the sunshine

J' Days that never end

J' When the spotlight

DiCarlo Trophies.

Golfer awards?

Worst golfer awards?

Hey, Andy. You got the trophies?

- Yeah, I'm working on them.

- Working on them?

What the hell, Andy, the
first show's tonight.

Your wife told me to come
over and pick them up.

You tell my wife to go...

It's a little drunken golfer
leaning on his putter.

Alan, tell my wife
I'm working on them.

- Ramon will bring them
over this afternoon.

- Okay, you're the boss.

No, she's the boss.

She just doesn't know
how to make trophies.

Now, at this point,
I take my sparklers

and I light them with
my Torch of Freedom.

But you don't have to worry-

But let's not put too much
powder in these things.

If we're gonna have a fire,
save it for the last night.

I know how to
handle my equipment.

Now, I want red and green gels

at both the spots at my entrance

and I want the
senior klieg at 50%

when I do my high
tosses because-

- Yeah, yeah.

- Por favor, you're on.

Helga, when you go out
there, be sure to...

Will you please shut the door?

Amigos!

I would like to tell you the
tale of two great nations.

One, my humble place of birth.

And one, my new homeland!

Applause, applause, applause.

To tell you this tale,
I will need the help

of two old friends.

These are my friends.

Cue tape.

One is named Chico

and the other's named Joe.

Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, you guessed it.

This is a tale about, of course,

Mexico, and these United States!

Gross.

In the beginning, these two
great neighboring giants

hardly knew each other existed.

But soon, they
discovered each other

and their respect for
each other grew higher.

Last night she gave our
host parents a pinata.

- I'm gonna get her.

- Do you want me to help?

Yeah.

We'll do it as soon as
we're sure we've lost.

Forever by these two
wonderful, marvelous countries.

Excuse me, dear.

I'm going to interrupt
you just for a moment.

Girls, I'd like you to meet

California's reigning Young
American Miss, Jo Ann Marshall.

And these are some of the
former winners and has-beens.

Jo Ann and the girls
are going to be

rehearsing with you today.

Girls, here's our emcee,

the real star of the
show, Ted Farley.

Hi, girls, I'm sorry to hear
about the little problem

you had with the toilets

but as they say in
France, "No wee-wee."

- Keep the motor running.

- I got my motor running.

Jeez.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- I'm looking for my dad.

Your dad's not around here.

Unless he's a teenage girl.

- No, my dad is
Robert Freelander.

- Big Bob?

Yeah, you must be Little Bob.

- Yeah, Little Bob.

- Yeah, right.

Say, what can I do
for you back here?

Well, I was supposed
to meet my father

and I've looked all over.

Now, you know Big Bob.

Everywhere at once.

Tell you what now, nobody's

supposed to be back
here on this path

since you're Little Bob, I
think it'll be all right.

Yeah, thanks.

Tell you what,
why don't you look

down there by those telephones?

I think you'll find
him there. Okay?

- All right, we'll see
you later, little buddy.

- Goodbye.

J' Who's that comin'
down the street

J' Who's that lookin' so petite

J' Who's that comin'
down to meet me

J' Who's that you
know who I mean

J' Sweetest who
you've ever seen

J' I can tell her miles
and miles from here

J' Oh yes I can

J' Yes, sir that's my baby

J' No, sir I don't mean maybe

J' Yes, sir that's my baby now

J' Yes, sir, we've decided

J' No, man we just
can't hide it

J' Yes, sir that's my baby now

(upbeat music)

J' Oh yes, I'm gonna
say my honey

J' Yes, sir that's my baby

J' No, sir I don't mean maybe

J' Yes, sir, that's my baby now

(girls screaming)

Oh. my God! Somebody's
at the window!

J' Who's that coming
down the street

J' Who's that lookin' so petite

J' Who's that comin'
down to meet me

I was looking for my dad.

Big Bob. Good old Big Bob.

I tripped and fell in there.

I wasn't taking any
pictures of the girls.

I swear on my mother's life!

J' Yes, sir that's my baby

J' No, sir I don't mean maybe

J' Yes, sir that's my baby now

J' Yes, man, we've decided

J' No, man, we just
can't hide it

J' Yes, man, you're invited now

J' (frantic music)

(upbeat music)

13,14,15,16,17.

Sorry, it's the lights.

J' Me ol' bam-boo

J' You better never bother
with me ol' bam- boo

J' You can have me hat
or me bumber-shoot

J' But you better never
bother with me ol' bam-boo

(upbeat music)

She's fine!

Easy, easy. Hold her carefully.

Stand back, kids.
Give her some air!

You're all right. She's fine.

- Now give her some air.

- She's fine.
Everything is fine.

She'll be all right.

- Who is that?

- Maureen somebody.

What happened?

One of the girls fainted.
She'll be all right.

Did she trip?

Trip over a nail or something
we could be sued for?

No, and I'll tell her
how concerned you were.

- Jesus Christ, she
scared me half to death.

- I almost fainted.

Well, it is one
less competition.

God, I'm really
sorry I said that.

- I have an awful
confession to make.

- Yeah?

You know when Maureen fainted?

The same thing crossed my mind.

- It's getting weird.

" Judy!

Has anybody seen
my butter churn?

Now listen. Just listen.

In about two minutes,
you'll go out there

and be professional dancers.

Yourjob is to make
the audience happy.

I know that a lot
of you are scared

and don't think you can do it.

But I've been watching
you all very carefully,

and I know that you can.

Now I'd like you to think
about a 17-year-old kid

who came to me when
I was staging dances

for the Mike Curb Congregation.

She hadn't had a
bit of experience

but she wanted to try so bad
that we just had to let her.

That was four years ago

and now that girl is one of
the Mike Curb lead dancers.

Now, that may not seem
like much to you ladies

but that girl has a wooden foot.

Now go out there and dance
with your two good feet.

That was really a
beautiful story.

Listen, I have a syndicated
radio show heard in four states.

I'm always looking for
inspirational youth stories.

- Do you mind if I use that?

- Be my guest.

But it's total bullshit.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Who says hello?

Young America!

- Are you all here?

- Yes, we're all here!

(upbeat music)

J' Ready to start out,
singing our hearts out

J' We can see a bright tomorrow

J' Built by youth you see today

J' We have faith, we have hope

J' We can see a brighter day

J' We're here to sing

J' We're here to dance

J' Everyone's here
with an equal chance

J' To be crowned a
Young American

J' Young American Miss

J' Pick your favorite
and sing along

J' Tap your feet
and sing our song

J' We can see a bright tomorrow

J' Built by youth you see today

J' We have faith, we have hope

J' We can see a brighter day

Take it away!

(audience applauding)

Hi, I'm Jo Ann Marshall,
California's Young American Miss.

And I'd like to welcome you

to tonight's first
preliminary show

and invite you back
for tomorrow's show.

And the really big
show, Saturday night.

(upbeat music)

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!

J' Me ol' bam-boo

J' You better never bother
with me ol' ham-boo

J' You can have me hat
or me bumber-shoot

J' But you better never
bother with me ol' bam-boo

(audience applauding)

You know something?

You did a hell of a job.

Took a bunch of nice
high-school kids,

and turned them into
Vegas showgirls.

On each of these preliminary
nights, we feature and judge

the creative talents of the
girls from one color group.

Tonight, settle back,
relax, and enjoy

the creative talents
of the peach group.

This could mean
3O points to them.

Doria has written and
will deliver an essay

based on personal experience.

Here she is, Anaheim's Young
American Miss, Doria Houston.

Beauty, yes.

Curly hair, floppy hat,
glittery dresses, they were in,

so I have them all.

But one day, on my mad dash
to the cosmetics counter

I stumbled by chance
into a library.

"To thine own self be true."

At last I had found a beauty aid

that didn't come in a bottle:

Simplicity.

I learned that one
single solid gold strand

could be more beautiful
than all my costume jewelry.

Off came the silly shoes,
the hat, all that glittered.

Soon with shiny nonsense
my floor was littered.

If you wanna be a real cutie,

always strive for inner beauty.

'Consider the lilies of
the field, how they grow.

They work not, they toil not.

Yet I say unto you that even
Solomon in all his glory

was not so beautiful as these."

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

And now, a double treat.

Healdsburg's Young American
Miss, Bobbi Erickson

will play the ever popular
and thrilling Ebb Tide

and simultaneously she will

at the same time
exhibit her paintings.

Afeast for both eyes and ears.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

J' Delta Dawn, what's
that flower you have on

J' Could it be a faded
rose from days gone by

IAnd did I hear you say he
was meeting you here today

J' To take you to his
mansion in the sky

J' You were meant for me

J' I was meant for you

J' Nature patterned you

IAnd when she was done

J' You were all
the sweet things

J' Rolled up in one

(gentle music)

Rotting maggots of death

crawling out of
the skull of war.

Vomit and blood run freely
over the battlefield.

(audience applauding)

Even in the Young
American Miss's concern

of her own personal appearance

and the way she conducts herself

gives to others the feeling
that she cares for them.

And she does.

We share with her this
concern for the individual

as she participates now in
the Gown and Grace Division.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, Mr. French.

Quit bawling, Robin.

You just had a lucky break.

Now they'll notice you.

So go out there, and use it.

Hi. I'm Helga Kleinsmidth,
Vacaville's Young American Miss

and I think it's fun
to have pillow fights

on Sunday morning before
church with my folks.

(audience applauding)

Buenas noches.

I am Maria Gonzales and I think
it is fun to live in a land

of equal opportunity
for all its citizens

regardless of race,
creed, or color.

(audience applauding)

Hi, I'm Robin Gibson, Antelope
Valley's Young American Miss

and I think it's embarrassing
to have your umbrella break.

(audience applauding)

They learn fast.

Our fourth judge is a former
Young American Miss from 1966

Miss Gloria Randall.

Didn't I tell you, folks, the
girls get prettier every year?

And again this year,
holding the envelopes

with the names of
tonight's winners

our Dean ofjudges and a
winner in his own right,

Big Bob Freelander.

Big Bob, hey!

Welcome, folks!

I know you came to
see a whale of a show,

and a whale of a show it is.

How does Santa Rosa
feel about that?

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

But you know, folks

to these talented and
lovely high-school girls

from all over this
great state of ours,

this is a lot more
than just another show.

Tonight, for them,
is the big one.

Of course, this is just
a preliminary night.

Tickets are still on sale
for the next two nights-

Right, three nights in all.
Four winners each night.

Lots of winners.

J' Well east coast
girls are hip

J' I really dig those
styles they wear

IAnd southern girls
with the way they talk

J' They knock me out out
when I'm down there

J' The midwest
farmer's daughters

J' Really make you
feel all right

IAnd the northern girls
with the way they kiss

J' They keep their
boyfriends warm at night

(upbeat music)

J' I wish they all could
be California Girls

Doria, you know the
judges were dumb, anyway.

You were much better
than that girl that won.

You don't have to cheer
me up anymore, Robin.

What the hell, now that I
know I'm not winning anything.

I can smoke.

I thought we weren't supposed
to smoke around the girls.

That's what the committee said.

If she can smoke, I can smoke.

They told us a lot ofgirls
didn't win the preliminaries

they went on to win the contest.

I mean, talent's
only part of it.

Forget it, Robin.

Talent was my ace in the hole.

If they don't like me
taking off my clothes,

they're gonna hate my grades.

You shouldn't be so sure
you're not gonna win.

I don't mind it.

I did at first, now it's
kind of a relief, you know.

Besides, now I can pass all
my little tricks on to you.

Tricks?

Yeah, I guess I
should have before,

but we were in competition.

What kind of tricks?

Little things I
know that you don't.

Like what?

Like tonight, for instance.

You didn'tjump up and down
enough when Miss Woodland won.

And you didn't even cry
when you won yourself.

Is that bad?

It sure is. Beauty contest
judges like their emotions big.

And you don't smile enough.

My God, I've smiled so
much my gums are raw.

Put some Vaseline on your teeth.

It helps your lips
glide over them.

- You're kidding me.

No. All the girls do it.

Ancl Maria Gonzales puts enough
on to grease a flagpole.

" No!

- Yes.

Get some pantyhose.

Bare legs are kind of
splotchy under the spotlights.

- Doria, I'm not
gonna do all that.

- You're crazy not to.

You have a real chance
of winning the money.

- Get off it.

- Robin, you do.

Look, you've already won
Vim and Vigor, right?

You have great grades
and you play the flute,

which is a classy talent.

If you'd just keep
smiling, you can win.

And it wouldn't hurt to mention

once in a while that
you have no father.

Was that a terrible
thing to say?

No.

It's just that they
keep telling us

this thing isn't a competition.

It's a competition.

I still don't understand
how you could do this to me.

Dad, I wasn't doing
anything to you.

You hurt the pageant, hurt me.

Seven years without a scandal,

and HOW my OWH SOH causes 0H6.

- What am I supposed
to say to people?

- Tell them I'm adopted.

Robert Freelander, Jr.,
you have a sassy mouth.

You should be a little
humble after what you did.

Now wipe that off.

I don't see why I have
to see a psychiatrist.

Do you want to go to jail?
That's the big alternative.

Come on, we'll go to jail.

- Do you want to go to jail?

- No.

- And you're gonna
go in here now?

- Yes.

Take your hands
out of your pocket.

You're very lucky
you're my son, you know.

If this doctor thinks I'm crazy,
wait till he meets Freddy.

Dr. Kelly. Code Blue, five east.

Here it is.

- Mrs. Chambers-

- It's my fault. I feel guilty.

Hi, Doctor.

Your appointment will
be in a few moments.

Would you mind, please?

I must admit I'm
really not too sold

on this psychiatry stuff myself.

Seems like an awful lot
of self-pity in it to me.

You may come in now.

- Please have a chair.

- Where's Mrs. Chambers?

She left.

Oh, two entrances.

Make yourself comfortable.

Now, you're Robert Freelander.

No, we're both
Robert Freelander.

Big Bob. Little Bob.

How long have you called
your son Little Bob?

Why, ever since he was little.

Actually, I'd hoped
to meet both parents

at the initial consultation.

Mrs. Freelander is
ill. She's got the flu.

She got it the minute
I got in trouble.

Does your mother get sick often?

Doctor, we're not here
to discuss my wife.

Your wife is this boy's mother.

In order to discuss
his problems-

What are you guys always trying

to pin everything on
a guy's mother for?

Mr. Freelander, are
you angry with me?

No, I'm not angry at you.

Of course I'm not angry at you.

I'm just trying to help Little.

You and I are both here
trying to help my son.

We could begin the consultations
alone with the boy.

And then you and your
wife could join us later.

No, I'd like to see Little
Bob through this thing myself.

It'd be okay, Dad.

It is pageant week.

Unbelievable amounts
of work down there.

No rest for the weary.

I understand.

Well, you run on, and we'll see
you in a couple of sessions.

That'd bejust super.

How about you, son?

You gonna be able to get
to school on your own,

are you then?

- I do it every day.

- Right.

Independent little guy.

Nice to meet you.

Son, you pay attention
to this man now.

He is a doctor.

Hi, Blanche. How about some
coffee and a glazed doughnut?

And don't charge me
for the hole, Blanche.

They told me at the
shop that you'd be here.

- Having a second
breakfast there?

- First.

I just wanted to make
sure you were coming

to the Exhausted Rooster
Ceremony tonight.

I don't think so, Bob.

Come on, Andy.

The guys are really
counting on you.

Look, I told you
I just don't feel.

Thank you, my dear.
Quick as ever.

Look, I told you I
just don't feel like

kissing a dead chicken's ass.

Come on, Andy. It's
a snap. Like that.

Besides, I'm an Exalted
Exhausted Rooster.

I'll be standing right next
to you with my sheet on.

There's nothing to it.

You're looking at
a man who's seen

as many chickens' asses
as another chicken.

How about a bib?

Besides, I shouldn't have to
remind an old guzzler like you

of the amounts of old
boozzola that'll be there.

I'm getting a reputation
for being a drunk, aren't I?

- No, you certainly are not.

- It's true.

- No, it's not true.

- It's true.

First I was drinking a little,
then I was drinking a lot.

Damn, it sure sneaks up on you.

I just sort of slid into it.

That's one thing I'm
awful good at. Sliding.

I'm having problems with Brenda.

Sexual problems.

No, thank you, dear. We're fine.

Just fine, thank you.

You're not having any problems.

She's frigid.

That's why I started drinking.

She says it's my fault.

She says my drinking
turned her off.

I've been drinking so much,

I don't know what
the truth is anymore.

Then it doesn't matter one
whole hell of a lot, does it?

You're gonna have to
start pulling yourself

together and quit
moping around, here.

Seriously, you got
to get out there

and start having some fun.

You can get headaches

sitting around here
trying to figure out

which came first: the
chicken or the egg.

Speaking of chickens,

I know a place where we
can have, this very night,

some real fun.

All right, I'll go
to the ceremony.

Swell.

You sure are one
hell of a salesman.

I better be.

I heard about Little Bob. I
really am sorry about that.

Those things happen.

We'll have Little Bob
straightened out in no time

and right back on
the right track.

Doesn't anything
ever get you down?

Yeah, I get my apple
cart upset sometimes.

Ijust learned a long time ago

to accept a little less
from life, that's all.

Want to know who taught me
this great lesson in life?

Elizabeth Taylor.

What?

I never bothered to
tell you the story

because I don't believe
in negative stories

but one time I actually had
a date with old Liz herself.

You're kidding.

Do you remember when I went off

to junior college
in Los Angeles?

I had a class with a guy
that was Liz Taylor's cousin.

He fixed me up with her.

- What was she like?

- I never met her.

- You just said-

- No, ljust said that
I had a date with her.

I never said that she kept it.

You should've seen all
the preparations I made.

I went out and got the best
flowers that I could find

and a great table
at the world-famous

Cocoanut Grove restaurant.

And then she never showed up.

That was the weekend
that she ran off

and married the hotel guy.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

Just that now I'm
married to Roberta,

and I'm happy about it.

Even though she is a little
less than Elizabeth Taylor.

God, Elizabeth
Taylor was beautiful.

And that girl had a wooden foot.

And now, as we begin the Creative
Talent Division on this,

the Final Preliminary night

before the Final Big
Show, tomorrow night

when, at last, our new
California Young American Miss

will finally be chosen
right here on this stage

in a burst of tears
and laughter and glory.

But first, l'djust
like to say a word

about how these girls have
affected me, personally.

Not Ted Farley, the
smooth entertainer

that you see here before
you, but Ted Farley, the man.

- Maria, could you
hook this, please?

- I'm on in a second.

- It's the top one.

- Here, let me do it for you.

Not only to me, but to everybody

who has participated
in the pageant.

Even Ray Brandy and all
the guys in the band.

The lack of competitiveness

and the genuine
desire of each girl.

I do this. It's fine, I
started it. It's okay.

Just another example
of what makes

America the place I'm
proud to be a part of.

IAba daba daba daba
daba daba daba

J' Said the monkey to the chimp

J' All night long,
they'd chatter away

J' All day long they're
happy and gay

J' Swingin' and singin'
in a honky-tonky way

(bright music)

And for that very
special wool jacket

there's still good
old tissue paper

to help keep out nasty creases.

And one final tip, girls.

(upbeat music)

(accordion music)

And so these great nations

have gone speeding
through history.

Brown hands and white hands,
reaching out to the skies

in heavenly harmony!

(explosions booming)

(upbeat music)

J' Come on baby let
the good times roll

J' Come on baby let
me thrill your soul

J' Come on baby let
the good times roll

J' Roll all night long

J' Come on baby

J' This is something
I just can't miss

J' Come on baby let
the good times roll

J' Roll all night long

Hey, Big Bob! Good to see you.

How are you?

Help me with my sheet, here.

Where's somebody go to wet
their whistle around here?

- Al, son of a gun.

- Let's get a beer. Come on.

Hey, Pancho! How are you?

Look, isn't that the
saddest looking bunch

of Exhausted Rooster Candidates?

Haven't I told you every year

they get more exhausted looking?

- Here, have a beer.

- How the hell are you, Big Bob?

Peel that.

You missed out on a lot of fun.

Where've you been?

- Had a little trouble
with the pageant.

- Good. I'll drink to that.

That's not funny. Some
poor girl's act was ruined.

Our first Mexican-American entry

claims her act was sabotaged.

- I hardly believe that.

- I hope that's not true.

Our club has spent a
lot of time and money

trying to help these
young people become
responsible adults.

I'll barbecue your ass!

Didn't I tell you
it was gonna be fun?

Didn't I tell you,
as our friends south

of the border would
say, "Dos pelotas!"

(men shouting)

(bottles ringing)

(people chattering)

I love it!

Come on.

- What's wrong?

- Come on, Andy, be a man.

Andy!

Andy!

If Wilson can't get
to the bottom of it,

I'll get into it
myself tomorrow.

I've got to hang up now.

Yeah, I'll talk to
you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Andy, ljust had
the rug shampooed.

Piss on the rug.

You're drunk.

What's the matter?

I think I'm going crazy.

Now, that's a
stupid thing to say.

I was in the park.

Grown men horsing
around in sheets.

Big Bob grinning at
me through his hood.

Either they're
crazy or I'm crazy!

Did Big Bob tell you what
happened at the pageant-

- I don't give a damn
about that pageant!

- Go ahead!

I'm used to you making fun
of all the things I do.

But I'm going to go
right on doing them!

You have to do
something with your time

when you're married
to the town drunk.

(sobbing)

You won't let me
make up, will you?

Brenda, that's what
we're supposed to do,

comfort each other.

- I'm tired!

- Well, I'm tired
of your being tired!

You're crazy!

I already said that.

Oh, poor thing.

Andy!

Andy?

Where are you?

If you're doing anything
to mess up my clean rug.

Don't worry, I'm
standing on the paper.

- Andy, you can't!

- Quit telling me what to do!

That's terrific.

If you've got a problem,
don't try to solve it

just take the coward's way out.

Coward!

You're right, Brenda.

This is the coward's way out.

I should attack my real problem.

(gun bangs)

Hey, I'm property of the
United States Navy, man.

I don't belong here.

I want to see a psychiatrist.

- Let me out!

- What do we have here?

Hey, let me out!

I guess you heard Brenda's okay.

Just a little nick
in the shoulder.

Sounds of the big house.

It's a little scary.

How are you?

I'm pretty good. I'm
pretty damn good.

Guess you're relieved Brenda's
not pressing charges, though.

I knew she wouldn't.

This way she can keep
her precious pageant

out of the newspaper.

Andy, now wait a second.

I'm your best friend, right?

First of all, I don't think

you're being fair
to the little lady.

Seriously, she's
been an enormous help

to me throughout
this whole thing.

You know the biggest
thing you could do for me?

- Don't always be
knocking the pageant.

- Screw the pageant!

What am I supposed
to say to that?

I'm sorry.

- You going to work today?

- Hell, no!

What are you gonna do?

You'll be out of here soon.

I don't know exactly.

- I'll probably
leave Santa Rosa-

- Oh, no.

You got to stay in
Santa Rosa, Andy.

You can lick your problems,
right here in your own backyard.

Who wants to?

Andy, it's very simple.

All it takes is a drop
more perseverance,

a drop more optimism,
and a drop more energy.

Simple.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've heard that before.

- Heard what before?

- That drip-drop crap.

Brenda read that to me.

That's right out of the
Young American Miss program.

A good philosophy
is good philosophy.

And I don't happen to be a
snob about where I get it from.

I can tell you another thing,

as your best friend
talking to you

quit wallowing around in all
this self-indulgent self-pity

and get out there and
start helping others.

Bob, I've finally
figured out what you are.

You know what you are?

A goddamn Young American Miss.

Okay, we got the
list down to 10.

- All excellent choices.

- All wonderful girls.

- They sure are.
Now, let's drop five.

- Right.

We could drop her.

You really hate jelly
jars, don't you, Father?

- Not as a container forjelly.

- This isn't getting us home.

Okay, you're right.

I think we've all lost
our way a little here.

Let's go back to basics.

It's all right here
in thejudges' manual.

Let's remind ourselves
of the qualities

we are asked to
find in the winner.

AYoung American Miss
must be cheerful,

perseverant, sincere, show a
genuine concern for others.

Right. And those aren't
bad things to be.

Are they?

Look, the deal was
$2,000. I want my money.

You'll get your money
as soon as you take out

that ramp you put in first.

God damn it, I told you
I can't do that now!

Mr. French, I expect you to
be reasonable about this.

You are a professional.

The Jaycees never really
planned on that ramp.

But you approved it.

We didn't realize it
was going to eliminate

so many seats from
our Golden Circle.

What Golden Circle?

The golden chairs
that go right here,

where your ramp is now.

We always put them in
on the final night.

And as it is now,

they're already all
sold out for $10 a head.

Now, if you need
the ramp in here,

it means that we're
out 5O chairs and $500.

I sympathize with your problem,

but you should've
told me sooner.

There's nothing I
can do about it now.

Yes, there is. You
can take out the ramp.

If I take that ramp out now

I will have to
completely restage

all the numbers
in one afternoon.

Is that so hard?

These girls are
not Ginger Rogers.

They dance more like Roy Rogers.

I'd hoped you thought a little
more of our girls than that.

Don't give me that
sanctimonious shit!

You're the one that doesn't
give a goddamn about the girls.

If I take that ramp out now,

they'll fall all
over themselves.

The finance committee did
come up with another idea

but I don't think
you're gonna like it.

Try me.

How would you feel
about picking up the tab

for the amount we lose because
of your ramp being there?

It means we would deduct
$5oo from your check.

How would you feel about
having the whole pageant

shoved up your ass,
bamboo poles and all?

Now see here, Mr. French,

I'm trying to be
reasonable about this.

Our Jaycee chapter
is almost bankrupt

because of this meat show!

If we don't break even,
we'll have to cancel

the Rodeo for the Retarded.

Surely $500 can't mean that much

to a Hollywood professional.

And one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, turn!

One, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight.

Hold it!

Get rid of the ramp.

Now, ladies, pay attention.
We've got a lot of work to do.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!

J' Me ol' bam-boo

J' You better never bother
with me ol' bam-boo

J' You can have me hat
or me bumber-shoot

J' But you better never
bother with me ol' bam-boo

- Mr. French, are you busy?

- Yeah.

I'd just like to
ask you one question

about my daughter, Celia Parks?

The one who sang I Feel Pretty.

I just wanted to
know if you think

she has a future as a
professional singer.

Not unless Florence
Henderson dies.

We feel we are not
doing these new routines

as well without the ramp.

We were just wondering why
we can't have the ramp.

Because I said so.

Was there something else?

We'll never be as
good without the ramp.

It just isn't fair!

Few things in life are.

I've been working
so hard all week.

Vim and Vigor is my best event.

I've won the preliminaries, and
I was counting on that ramp.

Hold it a minute!

Are you speaking
for the group now?

Because if you are, you're
sure using the word "l" a lot.

No, I guess I'm
speaking for myself.

Then here's an answer, just
for you: The ramp is out!

16, 17, 18, 19, 2o.

J' Me ol' bam-boo

J' You better never bother
with me ol' bam-boo

J' You can have me hat
or me bumber-shoot

J' But you better never
bother with me ol' bam-boo

And one, two, and turn!

Easy.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened?

I should have gone left
instead of straight ahead.

I flunked Driver's Ed
for the same thing.

Put back the ramp.

You win, you little
toad bastard!

I want the $1,5oo tonight!

And if Miss Anaheim is not
smart enough to sue you

I will personally introduce her

to a nice lawyer
who is not a Jaycee.

- No, listen, I'm
going to soak it.

- Are you all right, darling?

Can I get you anything,
a doctor, a Pepsi?

Wait, let me help you.

- Please don't make
such a fuss, dear.

- I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

- Hello, Earl. How
are you tonight?

- See you inside.

- Doesn't it hurt?

- It's not important.

Please remember I simply
slipped and sprained my arm.

That's all.

Yeah, but I think
you're being too good

to that bastard by
keeping this thing quiet.

If Gary took a shot at me,

I'd make sure it was
on the front page.

Why are you protecting him?

It's not for Andy.
It's for the girls.

He's lucky to be leaving
someone like you.

How do you feel?
How's your knee?

The knee's okay,
but I'm so nervous.

I mean, I'm starting to feel

like I wanna win
again, you know?

Yeah. It's a hard feeling
to get rid of, isn't it?

Right.

Sometimes I feel like
I could win, you know?

Then I get mad at
myself for wanting to,

and then I get mad at myself

for being dumb enough
to think that I could.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

I want to win so bad.

Big Bob. How are we doing?

- How are we doing?

- Yeah.

Oh, we're doing great, Wilson.

We are doing just great.

And a hell ofjob
by you this year.

It's show time!

And to shine over this
great and fabulous evening,

Old Glory carried with honor

by the Santa Rosa Marine
Auxiliary Color Guard.

Three strong Americans
who keep America strong.

("National Anthem")

(upbeat music)

And with their symbolic
rose of friendship

each of our girls bids adieu

to the reigning Young American
Miss, Jo Ann Marshall.

Goodbye, Jo Ann.

Goodbye, Young American Miss.

There they go, ladies and
gentlemen, the judges.

Ancl frankly, I don't
envy them one little bit.

They have already
done the impossible

by selecting the
five most wonderful.

To entertain you while
ourjudges deliberate,

those truly grand and
truly glorious has-beens

have worked up a little number.

You'll enjoy this.

Let's bring them on with
a round of applause.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our has-beens.

(drums rolling)

Thank you, Jo Ann.

Here it is, ladies
and gentlemen.

I sometimes wonder
how those astronauts

handle all that pressure.

And our fourth runner-up,
ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Anaheim, Doria Houston!

Anaheim's own Doria Houston!

And our third runner-up:

Miss Fresno, Leslie Anderson!

And here it is, our
second runner-up.

What an exciting night.

Miss Modesto, Judy Wagner!

Modesto's own Judy Wagner!

And now, it's time for
the first runner-up.

And remember,
ladies and gentlemen

that if for any
reason our California

Young American Miss
selected tonight

is unable to fulfill
her responsibilities,

this is the girl that
would take her place.

Our first runner-up:

Greater Dinuba, Nancy Hess!

Nancy Hess from Greater Dinuba!

And now, here it is,
that special moment

that we've worked
all week toward.

I don't mind telling you,
hairs are standing on end.

And remember, there are no
winners and losers here,

because each of our
girls is a winner.

But if there ever was a
winner, this would be it.

This is the gal to beat
in Baton Rouge, Louisiana,

our new California
Young American Miss.

Fountain Valley,
Shawn Christianson!

Miss Fountain Valley,
Shawn Christianson!

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

J' Once she held
her tears inside

J' But now there's
nothing left to hide

J'An all-American girl you see

J' She's all an American
girl should be

J' With an inner beauty
she shines bright

J' With a sense of
duty here tonight

J' She'll wear her crown
with love and respect

J' She's our Young
American girl elect

J'An all-American girl you see

J' She's all an American
girl should be

There she is, ladies
and gentlemen,

California's new Young American
Miss, Shawn Christianson.

Isn't she lovely?

Aren't they all lovely?

Isn't everyone lovely?

(upbeat music)

Our thanks to all of
our lovely contestants,

the great work done
by the Jaycees,

our fabulously unique judges,

of course, the
fantastic orchestra

under the supervision
of Ray Brandy,

our stupendous
director, the superb

Hollywood professional,
Mr. Tommy French.

And, of course, our
miraculous stage crew.

Mostly, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,

for making it such
a great evening.

Thank you and good night.

See you next year!

Doria!

Robin, I wanted you to win, too.

Maybe I'm not an opportunist.

Listen, Doria, don't
worry about it.

I'm just glad it's over.

No shit.

Momma!

I'm so glad to see you.

Are you done with this stuff?

- Excuse me?

- I throw it away.

Go ahead, throw it
away. Thank you.

Front and center, huh!

Forward, huh!

Detail, halt.

Order, huh!

At ease.

Keep them tight. Roll them up.

- Hiya, fellas.

- How you doing?

You guys sure did a
super job tonight.

Thank you.

Thank you. Watch the flag, Gene.

The First Division, huh?

Yes, sir.

ROII in tight.

I was in the First Division.

Watch your flag there, Gene.

We held the Chosin Reservoir.

Did you see the knockers
on Miss Imperial County?

- Yeah, both of them.

- Let's get out of here.

J' Smile though your
heart is aching

J' Smile even though
it's breaking

No, these are just for Sunday.

Actually, I have
six more of them.

I just wear these on
Sundays. What? Four.

J' Light up your
face with gladness

J' Hide every trace of sadness

J' Although a tear
may be ever so near

J' That's the time you
must keep on trying

Step right into
my Guy here, Mom.

My open road. How about that?

Have a balloon here, Dad.

Let me show you something.

How about solid construction?

Look at this solid
body, solid steel.

Why are you worrying
about credit?

We don't worry about it.

J' If you just smile

(bright music)

(upbeat music)

J' We can see a bright tomorrow

J' Built by youth you see today

J' We have faith, we have hope

J' We can see a brighter day

-13,14,15,16,
17, 18, 19, 2o.

J' Me ol' bam-boo

J' You better never bother
with me ol' bam-boo

J' You can have me hat
or me bumber-shoot

J' But you better never
bother with me ol' bam-boo

(upbeat music)