All language subtitles for Sex.Drugs.Rock.And.Roll.1991.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG3_English

HEY, YOU'RE
LISTENING TO WRXX,

THE HOME OF HARD
ROCK 'N ROLL.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WANT TO PARTY,

I WANT TO ROCK THE HOUSE,

I WANT TO TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
AND I HOPE YOU DO.

SO BUCKLE YOUR BELTS,
GRAB YOUR HATS,

ZIP YOUR PANTS,
AND HOIST YOUR BATS,

WE GOT SOME ROCKIN'
TO DO TONIGHT.

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRAIN PASSING]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

GOOD AFTERNOON,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I ONLY WANT
A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.

DOESN'T COST YOU
ANYTHING TO LISTEN.

PLEASE BE PATIENT
WITH ME.

I JUST GOT RELEASED
FROM RIKERS ISLAND,

WHERE I WAS
UNJUSTLY INCARCERATED

FOR 30 DAYS

FOR ACTS I COMMITTED
DURING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

DUE TO A SITUATION
BEYOND MY CONTROL.

I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT.

THIS IS THE SITUATION.

I NEED YOUR MONEY.

I COULD BE OUT

ROBBING AND STEALING
RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T WANT
TO BE DOING THAT.

I COULD BE HOLDING
A KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT.

I DON'T WANT
TO BE DOING THAT.

AND I'M SURE
YOU DON'T WANT THAT, EITHER.

I DIDN'T CHOOSE
THIS LIFE.

I WANT TO WORK,
BUT I CAN'T.

MY MEDICATION COSTS
OVER $2,000 A WEEK,

OF WHICH MEDICAID
ONLY PAYS ONE-THIRD.

I'M FORCED TO GO DOWN
INTO THE LOWER EAST SIDE

AND BUY ILLEGAL DRUGS
TO STOP THE PAIN.

I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT.

IF YOU HELP ME OUT,
IF YOU GIVE ME MONEY,

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND
SOMEPLACE TO LIVE,

I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.

IT'S REALLY ALL UP TO YOU.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD PEOPLE.

BAD SITUATIONS
IN MY LIFE

FORCED ME INTO THE STREETS
INTO A LIFE OF CRIME.

I WON'T BORE YOU
WITH THE DETAILS,

BUT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME

CALL MY PAROLE OFFICER
MR. VINCENT GARDELO.

HIS HOME NUMBER IS 555-2738.

HE'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT ME.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND ME

IS THAT YOU'RE
IN THE UPS,

I'M IN THE DOWNS.

UNDERNEATH IT ALL,
WE'RE EXACTLY THE SAME.

WE'RE BOTH HUMAN BEINGS.

I'M A HUMAN BEING.

I'M A PRODUCT
OF MY ENVIRONMENT.

I'M A VICTIM
OF A SICK SOCIETY.

I COME FROM
A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.

MY FATHER
WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,

MY MOTHER TRIED
TO CONTROL ME,

MY SISTER THINKS
SHE'S AN ACTRESS.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THE CHILDHOOD I HAD.

THE WORLD'S
A REALLY SCREWED UP PLACE.

IT GETS WORSE EVERY DAY.

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

HELP OUT SOMEBODY STANDING
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

INSTEAD OF WORRYING
ABOUT SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA

10,000 MILES AWAY.

BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU,

GOD IS WATCHING YOU.

WHEN YOU HELP OUT
SOMEBODY LESS FORTUNATE,

A HUMAN BEING LIKE ME...

I'M SORRY
MY CLOTHES AREN'T CLEAN,

I'M SORRY I'M HOMELESS,

I'M SORRY
I DON'T HAVE A JOB,

I'M SORRY I HAVE
TO INTERRUPT YOUR AFTERNOON,

BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE,
I HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP.

I CAN'T CHANGE MY LIFE.

YOU CAN.

PLEASE, PLEASE,
LOOK INTO YOUR HEARTS,

DO THE RIGHT THING.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOD BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU VERY--
NO, IT'S MINE, BUDDY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A RIOT.
THANKS A LOT.

STAY GUILTY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOD BLESS YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

VERY NICE BEING BACK
ON THE SHOW AGAIN.

I'LL PUT THIS ON.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ENGLISH ACCENT]
YES, WE'RE VERY EXCITED

ABOUT THE SUCCESS
OF THE NEW ALBUM.

VERY NICE HAVING
A NUMBER 1 ALBUM AGAIN,

CONSIDERING THE BAND
REALLY HASN'T DONE ANYTHING

FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS.

IT'S REAL BREATH
OF FRESH AIR.

NO, I DON'T, BILL.
I DON'T.

AND I'M GLAD
YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION.

I USED TO DO--
EXCUSE ME--

I USED TO DO
QUITE A FEW DRUGS.

BUT YOU KNOW, BILL...

DRUGS ARE NO GOOD
FOR ANYBODY.

I'VE SEEN LOTS OF PEOPLE
GET MESSED UP ON DRUGS.

I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE
ON DRUGS.

I WAS SAYING TO TREVOR
JUST THE OTHER DAY,

I SAYS, TREVOR, HOW IS IT
THAT WE MANAGED TO SURVIVE?

AFTER JIMI DIED
AND JANICE DIED,

JOHN DIED,

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

WHY DIDN'T WE DIE?

WE SHOULD HAVE DIED,
ALL THE STUFF WE USED TO DO.

YES, I WAS, BILL.
YES, I WAS.

I WAS A BONAFIDE
DRUG ADDICT.

I USED DRUGS
EVERY SINGLE DAY
FOR 5 YEARS.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

I USED TO GET UP
EVERY MORNING

BEFORE I EVEN
BRUSHED MY TEETH,

I WOULD SMOKE A JOINT.

WHILE I WAS
SMOKING THE JOINT,

I'D POP A BEER.

WHILE I WAS SIPPING
THE BEER,

I'D COOK UP
A SPOON OF HEROIN, COCAINE,

WHATEVER WAS LYING
AROUND THE HOUSE.

STICK IT RIGHT IN MY ARM,
BECOME COMPLETELY WASTED,

FLIP ON THE TELLY,

WATCH A LITTLE TELLY,

MAYBE HAVE SOME GIRLS OVER,
GET HIGH WITH THEM,

ORDER UP SOME LUNCH,

FOOL AROUND
WITH THE GIRLS,

GET HIGH SOME MORE.

I DID THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY
FOR 5 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I MEAN,
IT WAS WONDERFUL, TOO,

IN ITS OWN WAY.

I WON'T LIE TO YOU, BILL.

MY LIFE IS BASED
ON HONESTY TODAY.

YES, WE DID, WE DID,
WE SAW TRAGIC THINGS.

WE HAD A SOUND ENGINEER
WHO USED TO WORK FOR US.

HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS
WITH DRUGS.

HOOVER, WE CALLED HIM.

AND, UM,
HOOVER'S PROBLEM WAS

HE WASN'T JUST
OUR SOUND ENGINEER,

HE WAS ALSO IN CHARGE OF
GETTING DRUGS FOR THE BAND.

WHENEVER WE CUT AN ALBUM,

WE HAD TO GET
VERY, VERY HIGH.

WE WERE CUTTING
THE WILD HORSESALBUM,

AND HOOVER--

OH, THANK YOU, BILL.

VERY NICE OF YOU
TO SAY THAT--

IT IS A GREAT ALBUM,
IT IS.

IT'S REALLY HISTORIC,
A ROCK CLASSIC, REALLY.

BUT, UM,
WE'RE CUTTING WILD HORSES,

HOOVER SHOWS UP

WITH A COFFEE CAN
FULL OF THE MOST AMAZING

WHITE FLAKE
PERUVIAN COCAINE.

ABSOLUTELY PURE.
AMAZING, AMAZING STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE EVER DONE

WHITE FLAKE PERUVIAN,
BILL--

WOULDN'T MIND
HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF IT

RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY--

JUST JOKING, OF COURSE.

BUT, UM...

YEAH, IT WAS GOOD.

BUT WE TOOK
THAT COFFEE CAN,

WE SPILL IT OUT
ON A TABLE,

CUT UP LINES
TWO, THREE FEET LONG,

WE'RE ALL DOING LINES--

HOOVER WAS A BEAST
WITH THAT STUFF.

HE USED TO DO 5 LINES
THROUGH EACH NOSTRIL.

AND, OF COURSE,

IN THOSE DAYS YOU DIDN'T
JUST DO COCAINE.

WE'RE DOING EVERYTHING
IN THOSE DAYS.

TREVOR WAS
SMOKING AFGHAN HASH

AROUND THE CLOCK,

NIGEL WAS SHOOTING
CRYSTAL METH,

RONNIE SHOWED UP WITH
A BOTTLE OF NYQUIL,

JUST GETTING COMPLETELY
BLOWN OUT OF OUR MINDS.

WE STARTED TO PLAY.

BILL,
WE NEVER PLAYED BETTER.

IT WAS HISTORIC,
IT REALLY WAS.

AS IF THE WHOLE BAND
HAD ESP,

CONNECTING IN THIS
AMAZING, AMAZING WAY.

I WAS PLAYING MY GUITAR,

AND I LOOKED
DOWN AT MY GUITAR

WHEN I WAS PLAYING,

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF--

IT'S NOT ME
PLAYING THIS GUITAR.

IT'S NOT ME PLAYING.

IT'S GOD PLAYING
THIS GUITAR FOR ME.

I REMEMBER
THINKING THAT EXACTLY.

AND PLAYING
FOR HOURS, HOURS,

VERY, VERY HIGH,

AND, UM...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT
HERE, ANYWAY?

[LAUGHTER]

HOOVER, RIGHT. OF COURSE.

SO, UM...

SO WE'RE PLAYING
ABOUT 2 HOURS,

BRILLIANTLY, BRILLIANTLY,

I HAPPEN TO LOOK AT
THE BOOTH WHERE HOOVER WAS,

HOOVER'S BANGING HIS HEAD

AGAINST THE WINDOW
LIKE THIS.

BLOOD IS
RUNNING OFF HIS HEAD

ALL OVER HIS NOSE,

COCAINE IS SHOOTING
OUT OF HIS NOSTRILS

ALL OVER HIS BEARD.

HE LOOKED LIKE
A DERANGED SANTA CLAUS.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS

HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO PUSH
THE RECORD BUTTON.

WE WERE ALL COMPLETELY
STARK RAVING MAD.

WE CAN LAUGH TODAY,

IT WASN'T VERY FUNNY
THAT DAY.

WE HAD TO CALL
SOME PEOPLE UP

AND THEY CAME AND PUT
A STRAITJACKET ON HIM,

TOOK HIM AWAY...

YOU SEE, THE SAD THING
ABOUT IT IS, BILL,

HOOVER WAS ONE
OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS

IN THE WHOLE WORLD,

SO IT WAS...

IT WAS VERY TRAGIC.
TRAGIC, INDEED.

HMM?

NO, I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE IS TODAY.

I KNOW HE'S IN
A SANITARIUM SOMEWHERE.

WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE HE'S WATCHING
RIGHT NOW.

HOOVER,
IF YOU'RE WATCHING, MAN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE, BILL,

THAT'S THE REALLY INSIDIOUS
THING ABOUT DRUGS.

YOU DON'T REALIZE.

YOU'RE HAVING
SUCH A GOOD TIME,

YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT
A BAD TIME YOU'RE HAVING.

I THINK THAT'S REALLY
THE PROBLEM WITH IT.

IT WAS FOR ME, ANYWAY.

MYSELF, I GOT STRAIGHT.

I WAS ON TOUR,

A VERY TYPICAL TOUR
SITUATION.

I WOKE UP ONE MORNING,
AND, UM...

I'M IN A LUXURY HOTEL ROOM,

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM,

BEAUTIFUL NAKED GIRL
LYING NEXT TO ME IN THE BED,

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS,
HOW SHE GOT THERE.

CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES
ALL OVER THE FLOOR,

COCAINE ON
EVERY HORIZONTAL SURFACE

IN THE ROOM,

I CAN BARELY LIFT
MY HEAD OFF THE PILLOW

I'M SO HIGH,

I PICK UP
THE REMOTE CONTROL,

I FLIP ON THE TELLY,

AND I WAS SAVED, BILL.
I WAS SAVED.

THERE'S A MAN
YOU HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY,

HE'S ON TV ALL THE TIME,

AND HE SAVED MY LIFE,
HE'S REALLY A GENIUS.

WITH THE WHITE HAIR, UM...

DONAHUE.
DONAHUE WAS ON.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE SAID SOMETHING
AND IT REALLY STRUCK ME.

HE SAID IF YOU HAVEN'T
MET YOUR FULL POTENTIAL

IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
NOT BE ALIVE.

THE PROFOUNDNESS
OF THAT THOUGHT

STRUCK ME
LIKE A THUNDERBOLT.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME.

HERE I AM, I'M YOUNG,

I'M TALENTED,
I'M INTELLIGENT,

I'M GOOD-LOOKING,

I'M VERY INTELLIGENT.

WHAT AM I DOING
WITH MY LIFE?

I'M JUST GETTING HIGH
ON DRUGS EVERY DAY.

YOU SEE, BILL,

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

SOME NEGRO GUY
OR PUERTO RICAN GUY

IN THE GHETTO.

I CAN SEE WHY
THAT MAN'S ON DRUGS.

BUT IN MY CASE
IT'S SUCH A TRAGEDY, REALLY,

WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT.

IT'S SUCH A WASTE,
A WASTE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL.

BECAUSE, BILL,
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAVIAR

BREAKFAST,
LUNCH, AND DINNER,

YOU CAN HAVE
YOUR STRETCH LIMOUSINES,

YOUR CONCORD FLIGHTS

BACK AND FORTH
ACROSS THE ATLANTIC,

WADS OF CASH,

EVERYBODY TREATING YOU
LIKE GODS,

WOMEN WILLING TO DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT THEM
TO DO,

WHEREVER YOU WANT THEM
TO DO IT,

OK?

[LAUGHTER]

HOUSE IN L.A.,
HOUSE IN LONDON,

APARTMENT IN NEW YORK,

HOME IN THE BAHAMAS.

BILL, IF IT DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING,

WHAT'S THE POINT?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MAYBE NOT. BUT, UM...

I GOT ALL MY BLOOD CHANGED
AND EVERYTHING,

AND I REALLY BECAME
REBORN.

I CAN REALLY SAY TODAY,
I LIKE MYSELF TODAY.

I'M NOT A BAD GUY.

I'M A PRETTY AMAZINGLY
WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.

AND I'M HONEST ENOUGH

TO SAY THAT ABOUT MYSELF
TODAY.

I'VE REALLY COME TO TERMS
WITH MY OWN BRILLIANCE.

YES, YES, YES, YES.

AND THE REST OF THE BAND
GOT STRAIGHT AS WELL.

WE JUST WANT TO HELP
OTHER PEOPLE TODAY.

YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE
DOING THE BENEFIT

FOR THE AMAZONIAN INDIANS,
THAT'S RIGHT.

TREVOR HAS A HOME
DOWN IN RIO.

WE GO DOWN THERE
EVERY WINTER

WHEN IT'S SUMMER
DOWN THERE.

HAS A LOVELY HOUSEBOY,

TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE
FOR HIM.

NACHO, WE CALL HIM.

HE ACTUALLY NOT A BOY,
HE'S ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD.

LOVELY LITTLE GUY,

ABOUT THIS TALL,
VERY BROWN.

ALWAYS SMILING,
VERY HELPFUL.

NACHO KNEW WE WERE
INTO THE ENVIRONMENT,

SO HE CHARTERED A BOAT
FOR US TO GO UP THE AMAZON.

LOOK AT THE BIRDS,
THE TREES,

THE JUNGLES, THE FLOWERS.

ALL THAT SHIT.

SO WE'RE GOING ALONG
ON THIS BOAT,

AND WE SEE THIS CLEARING
ALONG THE RIVER.

AND IT WAS
ONE OF THESE VILLAGES,

INDIAN VILLAGES,
WHATEVER THEY ARE.

WE GO DOWN,
START TO WALK AROUND...

BILL, I HAVE NEVER SEEN
SUCH DEPRESSING POVERTY

IN MY LIFE.

THE CHILDREN
RUNNING AROUND BAREFOOT

WITH THE DOGS AND THE DIRT.

THEY DON'T OWN
ANY SHOES AT ALL.

WOMEN HALF-NAKED,

BREAST-FEEDING THEIR INFANTS
RIGHT FROM THEIR BREASTS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DON'T
HAVE RUNNING WATER.

NOT A CLEAN DRINK OF WATER

ANYWHERE IN THE PLACE.

I WAS PARCHED.

COULDN'T GET A COKE,
A PEPSI, NOTHING.

CHIEF CAME OUT
TO GREET US.

MAN IS THE CHIEF
OF THE WHOLE VILLAGE.

HE OWNS NO CLOTHING,
COMPLETELY NAKED.

HIS WILLY'S STICKING OUT
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

ALL HE HAD ON WERE FEATHERS
STICKING OUT OF HIS HAIR.

COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

IT WAS HEARTBREAKING,
IT REALLY WAS.

I TURNED TO TREVOR
AND I SAYS, TREVOR,

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS.

WE HAVE TO HELP
THESE PEOPLE.

IT'S UP TO US, AFTER ALL.

WE ARE THE WORLD,
SO TO SPEAK.

SO, WE DECIDED
TO DO THE BENEFITS.

IT IS GOING TO BE
A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

IT IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT
BECAUSE SO OFTEN, BILL,

I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT, UM,

SO OFTEN THESE BENEFITS
ARE JUST EGO TRIPS.

I HATE TO SAY THAT
BUT THEY CAN BE THAT.

AND THEY RAISE
ALL THIS MONEY,

THEY SHIP IT DOWN
TO THESE PEOPLE,

THESE POOR BUGGERS

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH THE MONEY.

THEY'VE NEVER SEEN MONEY
BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY'RE PRIMITIVE PEOPLE.

WE FOUND
THAT MANY THINGS WE HAD

THEY REALLY LIKED

AND COULD ENJOY AND USE.

DIGITAL WRIST WATCHES,
SONY WALKMENS,

CIGARETTE LIGHTERS,
CIGARETTES--

THEY LOVE CIGARETTES.

WE'RE GOING TO BE BUYING
THESE THINGS FOR THEM

WITH THE MONEY WE RAISE,

SHIPPING THEM DOWN,

AND REALLY TRYING
TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES

IN A SUBSTANTIAL WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

DO SOME GOOD, FOR A CHANGE.

IT'S NOTHING,
IT'S NOTHING, BILL, PLEASE.

BUT I REALLY HOPE
THAT EVERYBODY WATCHING

CAN WATCH US--
WE'RE ON HBO.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CRONENBROW BEER,

MARLBORO CIGARETTES.

SORRY, BILL, SORRY--
I HAVE TO SAY IT.

THEY'VE BEEN
WONDERFUL SPONSORS.

MARLBORO'S
BEEN SHIPPING DOWN

CARTONS OF CIGARETTES

DOWN TO THESE
POOR LITTLE INDIANS.

BUY THE ALBUM
WHEN IT COMES OUT,

AND REMEMBER, FOR EVERY
DOLLAR YOU DONATE,

FULLY 20 PERCENT

GOES DIRECTLY
TO THE AMAZONIAN INDIANS.

[LAUGHTER]

BILL, I'D LIKE TO SAY
ONE MORE THING ABOUT DRUGS

IF I MAY,

BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY KIDS
WATCHING RIGHT NOW,

AND THEY BUY OUR ALBUMS,
MEMORIZE THE LYRICS,

THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES
BY THEM.

SO I KNOW THAT
EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY

IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS
ABOUT DRUGS IF I MAY...

I'VE DONE A LOT OF DRUGS.

I'VE HAD ADVENTURES
ON DRUGS.

A LOT OF MY BEST MUSIC
HAS BEEN WRITTEN

WHILE I WAS ON DRUGS.

IT'S SAFE TO SAY

I'VE HAD SOME OF THE BEST
TIMES OF MY LIFE ON DRUGS...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU HAVE TO USE THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

WE WERE RECENTLY INVITED
DOWN TO THE WHITE HOUSE

TO DO A SPECIAL CONCERT

FOR VICE-PRESIDENT QUAYLE
AND HIS LOVELY WIFE MARILYN.

OH, YEAH, SHE'S HOT,
SHE'S VERY HOT INDEED.

I'LL TELL A LITTLE STORY
WHEN WE GET OFF THE AIR.

WHATEVER YOU MIGHT THINK

ABOUT THE VICE-PRESIDENT
PUBLICLY,

IN PERSON HE'S A VERY WARM,
VERY CARING,

VERY, VERY INTELLIGENT MAN.

HE SHARED SOMETHING WITH US

I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU
TONIGHT,

AND THAT'S THIS--

THE NEXT TIME
SOMEONE OFFERS YOU DRUGS,

REMEMBER,

YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST...

TURN THEM IN.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, BILL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CHEERIO.

CHEERS. CHEERIO, CHEERS.

[APPLAUSE]

SHIT, FUCK, PISS.
SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS.
SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS.
SHIT, FUCK, PISS!

SHIT, FUCK, PISS!

WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S SHIT,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

THERE'S SHIT ON THE GROUND,
SHIT IN THE AIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE LIVING IN
A HUMAN GARBAGE CAN.

YOU CAN'T WALK DOWN
THE STREET

WITHOUT STEPPING
IN SOME GARBAGE,

DOG MESS
EVERYWHERE YOU GO,

LITTLE LUMPS OF SHIT
EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

LITTLE SMEARS
ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.

EVERYTHING'S
DRENCHED IN PISS,

POOLS OF PISS,
RIVERS OF PISS.

STREAMS OF PISS.

THE RIVERS, THE RIVERS,
THE RIVERS--

THE RIVERS ARE POLLUTED!

THE RIVERS ARE POLLUTED

AND WHERE DO THE RIVERS
COME FROM, HUH?

THEY COME OUT
OF THE MOUNTAINS.

THEY'RE FULL OF HUNTERS
AND HIKERS

AND CROSS-COUNTRY SKIERS.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
PISSING ON EVERY TREE,

SHITTING ON EVERY BUSH.

WHAT DO THEY CARE?

TREES ARE GOING TO DIE
FROM ACID RAIN ANYWAY.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THAT ACID RAIN
COMES DOWN OFF THE TREES

AND IT MIXES IN WITH THE PEE
ON THE SIDE OF THE TREES.

IT MAKES A BROOK.

AND IT MEETS
ALL THE OTHER PEE BROOKS

AND THEY ALL COME TOGETHER
AND MAKE A STREAM.

THE STREAM COMES DOWN
OFF THE MOUNTAINS

AND IT GOES DOWN
PAST THE CONDOS

WHERE THEY GOT PIPES
STICKING OUT

WITH MORE PISS AND SHIT
AND SOAP SUDS,

OLD TAMPONS, AND PUKE
FROM THE DRUNKEN PARTIES.

THE PLACE SO UGLY

YOU HAVE TO BE DRUNK
JUST TO LIVE IN THEM.

ALL THAT STUFF
IS POURED IN THE STREAM,

AND THE STREAM GETS BIGGER
AND MAKES A RIVER.

PAST THE FACTORIES

WITH EVEN BIGGER PIPES
STICKING OUT.

SPEWING OUT ALL
THIS COMPOST AND COMPOUNDS

AND ARSENIC, AND...

NUTRASWEET.

AND ALL THIS SHIT
IS POURED INTO THE RIVER.

AND ALL THIS STUFF
GOES DOWN THE RIVER

AND GETS EVEN BIGGER!

IT GOES DOWN
PAST THE CITIES,

WHERE THEY GOT
EVEN BIGGER PIPES,

CHOKED WITH THE SLOP

FROM MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
OF TOILET BOWLS

AND GARBAGE DISPOSALS
AND HOSPITAL BEDPANS

AND LAUNDROMATS
AND FRIED CHICKEN PLACES

AND WHOREHOUSES
AND CAR WASHES

AND PIZZERIAS
AND UKRAINIAN RESTAURANTS.

ALL THAT SHIT
IS POURED INTO THE RIVER.

AND WHERE'S THIS NICE,
CLEAN RIVER GOING?

IT GOES INTO THE OCEAN.

AND THE OCEAN HAS
THIS GIANT OIL SLICK

WITH ALL THIS SHIT
BEING POURED INTO IT.

BUT THAT ISN'T ENOUGH.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

THEN THEY GOTTA--THEN--

THEN THEY GOT TO GET
THESE GIANT GARBAGE PAILS,

PULL THOSE AROUND
FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS,

STICKING AND ROTTEN AND
FULL OF MAGGOTS AND MILDEW,

LET'S DUMP THAT
INTO THE OCEAN, TOO.

AND THE RICH GUYS

ARE RIDING AROUND IN
THEIR PLEASURE BOATS.

THEY GOT
THEIR FISHING POLES,

DRINKING THEIR BEERS,

AND THEY'RE THROWING
THE CANS OVER THE SIDE.

THEN THEY START PEEING
OVER THE SIDE.

THEY START GETTING SEASICK.

THEY START PUKING UP
THEIR STEAK TARTAR

AND THEIR CAVIAR
AND THEIR CREME BRULET,

AND THEIR PATE--

BLECHH--

[LAUGHTER]

ALL THAT STUFF
IS GOING IN THE OCEAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
IS IN THAT OCEAN THERE?

WHAT ELSE IS IN THE OCEAN?

FISH. THAT'S RIGHT.

MILLIONS OF LITTLE FISHIES
SWIMMING AROUND,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO
GET PAST THE EGG SHELLS

AND THE BANANA PEELS
AND COFFEE GROUNDS.

AND THE WADDED UP PIECES
OF TOILET PAPER

COME BY AND GET STUCK
IN THEIR EYES.

THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE THERE'S
SO MUCH STUFF IN THERE.

AND THEY WANT TO WIPE
THEIR EYES, BUT THEY CAN'T--

THEY DON'T GOT HANDS,
THEY GOT FINS!

THEY SWIM TO THE TOP OF
THE WATER TO LOOK AROUND.

AND WHAT'S AT THE TOP
OF THE WATER? OIL.

AND OIL GOES IN THEIR GILLS,
AND THEIR HAIR.

THEY GET ALL GREASY
AND THEY DROWN.

THEY JUST LIE THERE
DEAD LIKE THIS.

AND THEN A SEAGULL,
HE COMES FLYING BY,

SEES THAT NICE LITTLE FISH,
WANTS TO EAT HIM UP,

NOW HE'S STUCK IN OIL,
TOO.

AND THE SEAL,
HE WANTS TO EAT THE SEAGULL,

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL,
HE DROWNS.

AND THE POLAR BEAR,
HE WANTS TO EAT THE SEAL.

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL,
HE DROWNS.

AND THE LION, HE WANTS
TO EAT THE POLAR BEAR.

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL,
HE DROWNS.

AND THAT'S THE OCEAN--
IT'S A GIANT BATTLE--

OIL AND GARBAGE
AND DEAD ANIMALS,

JUST SLOSHING AROUND THERE.

THEN A HURRICANE COMES.

AND THEN A TIDAL WAVE COMES.

AND THE WHOLE THING

JUST SPLASHES
ALL OVER THE BEACHES.

AND THERE YOU GOT IT, SEE?

THERE YOU GOT IT.
THAT'S IT, SEE?

MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
OF LITTLE DEAD FISHIES

ALL OVER THE BEACHES.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

RATS COME.

RATS COME DOWN
TO EAT THE FISHIES.

THEN THE CATS COME
TO EAT THE RATS.

AND THEN THE DOGS COME
TO EAT THE CATS.

AND THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT THE DOGS DO?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO!

THEY SHIT
ALL OVER THE PLACE!

THE DOG SHIT
AND THE HORSE SHIT

AND THE PIGEON SHIT,

THE RAT SHIT--

FUCKING SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SH--

[LAUGHTER]

LIVING IN
A HUMAN TOILET BOWL.

WE'RE LIVING IN
A HUMAN TOILET BOWL!

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY FLUSH THE TOILET.

FLUSH THE TOILET,
THAT'S WHAT I SAY!

FLUSH THE TOILET,
THAT'S WHAT I SAY!

THAT'S WHAT I SAY...
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

[COUGHS UP PHLEGM]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M IN A BAR

HAVIN' A DRINK
WITH SOME FELLAS,

ONE WILL MAKE
AN IDLE COMMENT LIKE

HOW DOES THAT GUY DO IT?

HE ALWAYS GETS THE GIRLS.

I REMAIN QUIET
WHEN I HEAR SUCH REMARKS.

I LIKE TO KEEP
A LOW PROFILE

REGARDIN' MY EXTRACURRICULAR
ACTIVITIES.

I DON'T NEED TO ADVERTISE.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT.

LADIES, HELL,
THEY KNOW BETTER THAN I DO.

OH, I'M NOT SO GOOD-LOOKIN'.

I WAS ATHLETIC
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

BUT I'M NO MR. UNIVERSE.

MEDIUM HEIGHT,
MEDIUM WEIGHT.

NEVER REALLY EXCELLED
AT ANYTHING.

CERTAINLY NOT SCHOOL.

FAR AS MY JOB GOES,

THEY CAN ALL
FUCK THEMSELVES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'?
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

'CAUSE I GOT WHAT EVERY GUY,
EVERY WOMAN WANTS.

ALL THE LOOKS, BRAINS,
MONEY IN THE WORLD

CAN'T BUY IT.

I'M ENDOWED.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A LONG, THICK,
WELL-SHAPED PRICK.

[LAUGHTER]

THE KIND GIRLS DIE FOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE LAUGHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT? FUCK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

FACTS ARE FACTS.

I GO DOWN TO SOME BAR
AROUND 6 O'CLOCK

AND THEY ALL COME.

THE GUYS WITH
THEIR HEALTH CLUB BODIES,

THEIR EXPENSIVE
ITALIAN SUITS,

TRYING TO COMPENSATE.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES...LADIES,
SMART, FRESH, PRETTY.

I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE LADIES
WITH THE BIG BOWTIES

AND THE ADIDAS SNEAKERS.

I PICK OUT THE PRETTIEST ONE
IN THE ROOM,

WE START TALKIN'
ABOUT THIS OR THAT,

I ACT LIKE I'M GOIN'
TO BUY HER A DRINK,

THEN I JUST LOOK HER
IN THE EYES AND SAY--

WHY DON'T WE GET
THE HELL OUT OF HERE?

2 HOURS LATER
I'M IN SOME STRANGE BEDROOM

BLOWIN' SMOKE RINGS
AT THE CEILIN'.

THEY LOVE TO TELL ME

ABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS
AND THEIR HUSBANDS.

WHAT WONDERFUL MEN THEY ARE.

SO NICE, SO GENTLE,
SO DEPENDABLE.

SO BORING.

THEY LOVE TO TELL ME WHAT
A WONDERFUL COCK I'VE GOT.

SO BIG, SO HARD,

SO UNLIKE ANYTHING
THEY'VE GOT AT HOME.

AND THEY LOVE
TO BEG FOR MORE.

I LOVE TO GIVE IT TO 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

EVER SEE A GIRL CRY
'CAUSE SHE'S SO HAPPY?

[LAUGHTER]

EVER SEE SOMEONE BEG
TO TEAR YOUR CLOTHES OFF?

EVER SEE A WOMAN FAINT

BECAUSE SHE'S HAD
SUCH AN INTENSE ORGASM?

I HAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE THAT GUY, UM,
BACK IN SCHOOL.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME,
THE GREEK GUY?

PLATO.

HE SAID
THERE'S A PERFECT THING

AFTER WHICH
ALL THINGS ARE MODELED.

THAT'S MY SEX LIFE.
PLATONIC PERFECTION.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ALL THINKIN'.

YOU'RE THINKIN' THIS GUY,
HE'S REALLY LONELY,

DEEP DOWN HE'S OBSESSED,

HE'S GOT NO LOVE
IN HIS LIFE.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT LOVE.
I'VE GOT LOVE.

I SAVE THE CHOICES
FOR DAILY USE.

THAT'S LOVE. RIGHT?

SAME AS YOU.
SAME AS EVERYBODY.

BUT, SEE, I GOT
ALL THE OTHERS, TOO.

I SEE SOME GIRL
WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET,

I LIKE
THE WAY HER PANTS FIT,

BINGO, SHE'S MINE.

SOME GET SCARED
AFTER AWHILE,

GO BACK
TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

IT'S OK WITH ME.
I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S A LOT TO HANDLE.

SOME GET ADDICTED,

I GET RID OF THEM, TOO.

MOST OF THE TIME
THEY'RE VERY COOL ABOUT IT.

STOP WHATEVER THEY'RE DOIN',
WHATEVER THEY'RE DOIN'

WHEN I GIVE THEM A CALL.

COUPLE OF TIMES GIRLS STOP
SCREWIN' THEIR BOYFRIENDS

WHEN I GAVE THEM A RING.

SEE, THEY UNDERSTAND.

THIS KIND OF QUALITY--
AND QUANTITY--

IS IN LIMITED SUPPLY.

LET'S BE
HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,

SHALL WE?

SEX IS WHAT EVERYBODY'S
BASICALLY INTERESTED IN.

GREAT SEX WITH
GREAT-LOOKIN' GREAT FUCKS.

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY
TO GO AROUND.

I AM ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO FEEL SORRY
FOR OTHER PEOPLE,

USED TO FEEL GUILTY.

LIKE I'M LIVIN'
IN A COLOR MOVIE,

EVERYBODY ELSE LIVIN'
IN BLACK-AND-WHITE.

BUT THEN
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

HELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT
TO LIVE OUT THE DREAM.

SOMEBODY'S GOT
TO HAVE IT ALL.

MIGHT AS WELL BE ME.

[APPLAUSE]

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ YEAH

♪ OW OW OW OW

♪ YEAH-EAH

[ITALIAN-AMERICAN VOICE]
TERRY! TERRY,

GO FOR A LONG ONE, MAN.

GO BACK! GO BACK!

GO ALL THE WAY BACK.

LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK
COMING AROUND THERE.

TERRY, LOOK OUT FOR
THE TRUCK BEHIND YOU THERE.

TERRY!

I TOLD YOU TO LOOK OUT
FOR THE TRUCK, MAN.

I CAN'T HELP IT
IF YOU'RE UNCOORDINATED.

TERRY, TERRY, TERRY!

YOU GOING TO THE STORE
TO GET BEER?

GET ME A PACK
OF CIGARETTES, PLEASE.

MARLBOROS, HARD PACK.

COME ON, MAN, PLEEEASE!

THANK YOU.

HEY, JOEY, MY MAN.

THAT POT WAS GREAT
LAST NIGHT, MAN.

WE SMOKED
THE WHOLE THING UP.

WE GOT TO GET
SOME MORE FROM YOU, MAN.

A POUND ONLY LASTS SO FAR,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OH, YEAH,
GREAT FUCKING PARTY, JOEY.

GREAT FUCKING PARTY.

ME AND FRANKIE, WE GOES
DOWN THE CORNER, RIGHT?

WE KIDNAPS LOUIE,

WE BRINGS HIM UP
TO THE APARTMENT.

WE GOT 5 CASES OF BEER,
3 CASES OF CHAMPAGNE,

A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS,
AN OUNCE OF COKE,

AND A HALF-POUND OF POT.

FOR THE THREE OF US,
RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

LOUIE'S LOOKING AROUND,
HE GOES WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I GO, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED
TOMORROW, MAN, COME ON.

IT'S YOUR
SURPRISE STAG PARTY.

LOUIE JUST LOOKS AROUND
AND HE GOES,

I HAVE TO BE AT THE CHURCH
AT 10 A.M.

I CAN'T GET TOO WASTED.

FRANKIE'S CUTTING
LINES OF COKE,

HE LOOKS UP, HE GOES,

DON'T WORRY, MAN,
WE WON'T GET YOU TOO WASTED.

RIGHT?
HA-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA.

[CONTINUES CHUCKLING]

FRANKIE SNAPS HIS FINGERS,
THE BEDROOM DOOR POPS OPEN,

THREE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
COME WALTZING OUT

WEARING BIKINIS, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT LOUIE
WAS GOING TO START CRYING.

HUH? ARE THEY FRIENDS
OF FRANKIE'S?

HE TOLD THEM IF THEY HUNG
OUT WITH US FOR THE NIGHT,

HE'D INTRODUCE THEM
TO BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE KNEW
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT? HE DOESN'T?

OH.
ANYWAYS, GREAT PARTY, MAN.

CHAMPAGNE, COCAINE.

FRANKIE GOT SOME PORNO TAPES
TO WARM UP THE CHICKS.

THE NICE ONES, MAN,

THE KIND WITH STORIES
IN THEM AND STUFF.

ONE WAS REALLY FUNNY--
WAIT A SEC--

WAIT, WAIT.

ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS IT, RIGHT?

THERE'S A GIRL IN A HOUSE,

SHE'S IRONING HER CLOTHES,
RIGHT?

THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

GUY OUTSIDE GOES,
IT'S THE MILKMAN.

I HAVE SOMETHING
FOR YOU!

THIS GUY COMES IN, RIGHT?

I DON'T THINK IT WAS LIKE
A REAL MILKMAN OR NOTHIN'.

THE GUY COMES IN,

THEY START DOING IT
RIGHT ON THE IRONING BOARD.

BOM-BIN-DA, BOM-BIN-DA...

VERY TASTEFULLY DONE.

VERY SENSUAL, VERY NICE.

THEY DO IT,
FINALLY HE LEAVES.

SHE GOES BACK TO IRON.

SHE'S IRONING,
ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

GUY OUTSIDE GOES...

WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, YEAH...UPS, UPS!

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!

THIS GUY COMES IN,
HE'S GOT A BOX, RIGHT?

HE'S BRINGING THIS BOX IN
LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

SHE OPENS IT UP,
HIS DICK'S INSIDE!

I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED IT

IN A MILLION YEARS!

HUH?

THERE WAS A HOLE IN THE BOX.

HIS DICK WAS GOING
THROUGH THE HOLE, MAN.

SICK FUCK...

SO ANYWAYS, THEY DO IT,
THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT.

FINALLY, HE LEAVES,
TAKES HIS DICK WITH HIM,

SHE GOES BACK TO IRONING.

SHE'S IRONING
KIND OF SLOW NOW.

SHE KIND OF LIKE THIS,
RIGHT?

ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

NO ANSWER.
NO ANSWER, RIGHT?

SHE GOES TO THE DOOR
TO SEE WHO IT IS.

DO-TO-DO-TO-DO-TO-DO...

SHE LOOKS OUTSIDE,
THERE'S NOBODY OUT THERE.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR,
THERE'S NOBODY OUT THERE.

SHE LOOKS DOWN, JOEY,
THERE'S A DOG OUT THERE.

THE DOG TROTS IN,
STARTS LICKING HER FEET,

LICKING HER LEGS,
LICKING HER KNEES--

I CAN'T WATCH IT.
I'M LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL
THE PRIEST IN CONFESSION?

I WAS WATCHING
DOG PORNO TAPES.

THEY LOVE THAT STUFF.

THAT'LL BE 15 MILLION
HAIL MARY'S,

20 MILLION OUR FATHERS.

I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THAT SHIT.

SO, I'M LIKE THIS,
I'M NOT LOOKING.

THE BABE I'M SITTING WITH,

SHE'S WATCHING
THE WHOLE THING.

SHE'S REALLY WATCHING.

I, LIKE TOLD THIS TO HER,
I GOES, UH...

THIS STUFF TURN YOU ON?

SHE GOES, SURE, WHY NOT?

LIKE IT'S THE MOST NORMAL
THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

REST OF THE NIGHT I'M
CHECKING MYSELF FOR FLEAS.

FOOD, MAN,
I GOT THE FOOD TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS
RUN OUT OF POTATO CHIPS?

I GOT LIKE 50 BAGS
OF POTATO CHIPS, MAN.

THE NICE KIND,
THE RIPPLE KIND.

I GOT NICE CLAM DIP
FROM 7-ELEVEN.

NO EXPENSE WAS SPARED.

I'M SITTING THERE,
SITTING ON THE COUCH,

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF--
JOEY, I'M TELLING YOU--

THIS IS THE BEST PARTY
I'VE EVER BEEN TO

IN MY LIFE.

I'M DOING EVERYTHING
I LOVE TO DO

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

I'M SITTING WITH A BABE,
I'M WATCHING TV,

I'M EATING CLAM DIP
WITH A RIPPLE POTATO CHIP,

I'M SMOKING JOINTS,
I'M SNORTING COKE,

I'M DRINKING SHOTS
OF JACK DANIELS,

I'M CHASING THEM
WITH GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE

MIXED WITH HEINEKEN,

I'M SITTING THERE, MAN,

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

THIS IS CIVILIZED,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT DOESN'T GET
ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

WHAT ELSE COULD YOU WANT?

GEORGE BUSH WISHES
HE WAS DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.

AND I GOT BUMMED OUT.

I GOT BUMMED OUT
BECAUSE I SAT THERE

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

I THOUGHT ABOUT LOUIE.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
HE'S GOING TO GET MARRIED,

HE'S NEVER GOING TO HAVE
FUN LIKE THIS

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

GUYS GET MARRIED,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT THEM

PUT THEM IN A BOX SOMEPLACE,
YOU KNOW?

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M GOING TO CALL HIM UP
6 MONTHS FROM NOW,

I'M GOING TO SAY
LOUIE, LET'S GO OUT.

LET'S PLAY SOME POOL
OR SOMETHING,

DRIVE AROUND,
SMOKE A COUPLE OF Js.

YOU KNOW WHAT
HE'S GOING TO SAY TO ME?

HE'S GOING TO SAY, I CAN'T,

I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL
WITH MY WIFE,

LOOK FOR TOWELS AND SHEETS.

GUY'S HAD ONE TOWEL,
ONE SHEET FOR 25 YEARS,

ALL OF A SUDDEN HE NEEDS
NEW TOWELS AND SHEETS.

WHO PUTS THOSE IDEAS
IN A GUY'S HEAD, MAN?

YOU KNOW WHO?

YOU KNOW FUCKIN' WHO.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, GREAT FUCKIN' PARTY,
THOUGH.

ME AND FRANKIE,

PLAYING ALL
THE GREAT PARTY GAMES.

WHO CAN SNORT
THE MOST COKE,

WHO CAN MAKE
HIS NOSE BLEED FIRST,

WHO CAN DRINK
THE MOST SHOTS,

WHO CAN SEE DOUBLE FIRST.

GETTING HAMMERED, MAN.
HAMMERED OUT OF OUR MINDS.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
THIS CLOSE TO PUKING

AND YOU DON'T PUKE?

LIKE THAT,
ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN.

NICE.
ALL FUCKING NIGHT, MAN.

FEELING THE BRAIN CELLS
DYING IN MY HEAD.

OH, THERE GOES
THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HEAD.

OH, I'M A MORON!
HA HA HA HA!

MUST HAVE BLACKED OUT
5 TIMES, MAN.

I WAKES UP
OUT OF A BLACKOUT,

I LOOKS OVER,
LOUIE'S ON THE COUCH,

HE'S GOT HIS HANDS
UP THE CHICK'S BLOUSE,

THIS ANGELA, THIS GIRL
WE FIXED HIM UP WITH.

HE'S GOT
HANDS UP HER BLOUSE,

HIS TONGUE IN HER EAR.

NEXT THING WE KNOW

HE'S GOING
IN THE BEDROOM WITH HER--

HEY, IT'S OK WITH ME.

HE'S NORMAL,
HE'S GOT HORMONES.

ISN'T MARRIED YET,
LET HIM GO IN THE BEDROOM.

SO, I'M HUNGRY, RIGHT?

I GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT
IN THE KITCHEN,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET HUNGRY
WHENEVER I DO QUAALUDES.

SO, I'M FRYING UP
THESE STEAKS.

WHOLE TRICK TO FRYING STEAKS
WHEN YOU'RE DOING QUAALUDES

IS KEEPING YOUR FACE
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN.

OH, SHIT!

BURNING MY NOSE THERE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THIS ANGELA COMES
TEARING OUT OF THE BEDROOM

SHE SAYS YOU GOT
TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT YOUR FRIEND
IN THERE.

I GO, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

ME AND FRANKIE GO
RUNNING INTO THE BEDROOM.

LOUIE'S SITTING IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR,

SHITFACED,
CRYING HIS EYES OUT.

REALLY CRYING.
SITTING THERE GOING...

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I DON'T WANT
TO GET MARRIED ANYMORE.

I WENT, LOUIE, LOUIE,

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED,
ALL RIGHT?

WE ALREADY HIRED
THE HALL AND EVERYTHING.

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER
MADE LASAGNA

FOR 400 PEOPLE, MAN.

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED.

HE SAID,
I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.

WHO'S HER?
IT'S ANGELA, RIGHT?

I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT?

I'M GETTING ONE OF THOSE
BRAIN TUMOR HEADACHES.

I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE IT OUT.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I SMELLS MY STEAKS BURNING.

WE GO RUNNING BACK
INTO THE KITCHEN,

THE WHOLE KITCHEN
IS ALL, LIKE...

FIRE.
ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF FIRE.

WE'RE THROWING
CHAMPAGNE ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING BEER
ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING
CHEESE-WHIZ ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING CHEESE BALLS,
EVERYTHING.

FINALLY,
WE PUT THE FIRE OUT.

WHOLE PLACE STINKS,
IT SMELLS.

STEAKS STUCK TO THE WALLS.

FRANKIE'S SO FUNNY, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT FRANKIE SAYS?

HE WALKS INTO
THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN,

LOOKS AROUND,
HE GOES,

FUCK THE FUCKING PARTY, MAN.
THE FUCKING PARTY'S FUCKED.

WHERE DOES HE THINK
THAT SHIT UP?

HE'S A BORN COMEDIAN,
I TELL YOU.

SO, I GO, WAIT A MINUTE.

PARTY'S NOT FINISHED.

APARTMENT'S FINISHED,
THE PARTY'S NOT FINISHED.

LET'S GO DOWN
TO SOMEPLACE NICE,

HAVE A NICE SIT-DOWN MEAL,

WE CAN KEEP HAVING
OUR PARTY, RIGHT?

SO, WE'S GOES DOWN
TO THE NEW McDONALD'S,

WE WALKS IN THE DOOR,
WE GOT THE BABES WITH US,

THERE'S FOUR HELL'S ANGELS
SITTING HERE EATING.

WE DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM,
ALL RIGHT?

WE SITS OVER HERE.

THE GIRLS ARE GETTING
KIND OF SILLY.

THEY'RE SCREWING AROUND,
BEING SILLY.

HOW GIRLS GET
WHEN THEY GET DRUNK.

LOUIE, HE'S NOT EATING.

HE'S IN LOVE
WITH ANGELA NOW

SO HE'S NEVER GOING
TO EAT AGAIN

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

FRANKIE, HE'S NOT EATING,

BECAUSE EVERY TIME HE GETS
NEAR A HELL'S ANGEL,

THAT SCAR
ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD

STARTS TO THROB.

HE'S SITTING,
HE'S THROBBING,

I'M EATING.

I'M IN A McDONALD'S
I'M GOING TO EAT,

I'M NOT GOING
TO MISS THE OPPORTUNITY.

I'M SCARFING DOWN
THESE BURGERS.

ONE OF THE CHICKS,
SHE GRABS ONE OF MY, LIKE,

LIKE THOSE KETCHUP THINGS
THERE.

THOSE--WHATCHAMACALLITS?

WHAT DO THEY CALL
THOSE THINGS ANYWAY?

KETCHUP BAGS.

TAKES ONE OF
MY KETCHUP BAGS,

AND SHE'S SQUEEZING IT.

AND OF A SUDDEN IT GOES--

ALL OVER FRANKIE'S SHIRT.

SHE STARTS LAUGHING
LIKE A HYENA.

LIKE THIS IS
THE FUNNIEST THING

SHE EVER SAW
IN HER WHOLE LIFE.

ALL THE GIRLS,
THEY ALL START LAUGHING,

THE HELL'S ANGELS,
THEY START LAUGHING,

PEOPLE OUT
IN THE PARKING LOT,

THE WHOLE WORLD IS
LAUGHING AT FRANKIE HERE.

LET'S MAKE
AN ATOM BOMB ON HIM.

WE'RE LIKE FRANKIE,
FRANKIE, FRANKIE...

LET'S GO OUT,
GET SOME FRESH AIR.

FRANKIE,
LET'S GET SOME FRESH AIR.

HE'S THERE, IN A MINUTE.

I GO, FRANKIE,
FRANKIE, LISTEN, MAN.

FOUR OF THEM, THREE OF US.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
NOW, MAN.

HE'S THERE, IN A MINUTE.

HE GETS UP
FROM THE TABLE,

HE GOES OVER
TO THE BIGGEST HELL'S ANGEL,

GUY'S NOT EVEN
A HUMAN BEING,

GUYS SITTING THERE,
SHAVED HEAD,

TATTOO OF JESUS OR SATAN
OR SOME FUCK ON HIS HEAD.

RING THROUGH HIS NOSE,
BIG BUSHY BEARD,

HE'S SITTING THERE GOING...

LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

FRANKIE WALKS
RIGHT UP TO HIM,

HE GOES, YO CHIEF,
YOU LOSE THIS?

HE'S GOT A KETCHUP BAG
IN HIS HAND.

HE GOES...

ALL OVER THE GUY'S FACE!

THE GUY COULDN'T EVEN
SHAKE HIS HEAD.

FRANKIE'S LIKE,
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM...

BEATING THE LIVING SHIT
OUT OF THIS GUY.

FORTUNATELY,
I THOUGHT AHEAD,

I PICKED UP ONE OF THOSE
RONALD McDONALD TRASH CANS,

I TOSSED IT INTO
THE TEETH

OF THE GUY
SITTING NEXT TO HIM.

I'M STOMPING THIS GUY
WITH A TRASH CAN.

LOUIE,
HE'S GOOD FOR NOTHING,

COMES OVER AND FALLS
ON ONE OF THE GUYS.

GIRLS ARE THROWING
FRESH FRIES, HAMBURGERS,

MANAGER OF McDONALD'S
COMES RUNNING OUT,

HE'S GOT ONE OF THEM
FIRE EXTINGUISHERS,

STICKS IT IN MY EAR,
TURNS IT ON--

WHAT A RUSH!

FRANKIE GOES RUNNING
TO THE BACK OF THE PLACE,

GETS A BIG POT, FILLS IT
WITH HOT FRENCH FRY GREASE,

COMES BY, THROWS IT
ON ALL OF THESE GUYS.

ME, FRANKIE, AND LOUIE

GO RUNNING OUT
IN THE PARKING LOT,

WE'RE TRYING
TO START MY CAR.

MY CAR WON'T START,
AS USUAL.

WE TRY TO START MY CAR.
TRY TO START MY CAR...

I'M PRAYING TO GOD.

LOUIE'S IN THE BACK SEAT,
BACK DOOR WIDE OPEN,

HE'S HANGING OUT
THE BACK DOOR OF THE CAR,

HE'S GOING, ANGELA!

ANGELA--

I'M GOING, LOUIE,
GET INSIDE THE CAR, MAN.

LOUIE, SHUT THE DOOR,
SHUT THE DOOR.

AND THAT ANIMAL,
THAT HELL'S ANGEL FUCK,

NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED
TO HIM.

HE'S JUST SITTING THERE
GOING...

STANDS UP, STARTS
WALKING TOWARD THE CAR,

RIGHT THROUGH
THE PLATE GLASS WINDOW

OF THE McDONALD'S.

WE'RE JUST ABOUT
TO TAKE OFF,

GUY REACHES OUT,
GRABS LOUIE'S LEG,

LOUIE GRABS ME
AROUND THE NECK,

WE TAKE OFF
DRAGGING THIS WHALE

ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT.

FRANKIE'S TRYING
TO SCRAPE HIM OFF

ON CURBS AND CARS

AND THOSE McDONALD'S BUSHES
THEY GOT EVERY PLACE.

NOTHING'S FUCKING WORKING.

I'M GOING, KICK THE GUY,
DO SOMETHING, HIT HIM,

AND LOUIE...

I DON'T KNOW
IF HE DID IT ON PURPOSE,

HE TURNS AROUND,
PUKES ALL OVER THE GUY.

HE LET GO OF HIM THEN, MAN.

LOUIE PASSES OUT,
FALLS IN THE BACK SEAT,

WE TAKE OFF
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

IT WAS FUCKING GREAT, JOEY.

SO FUCKING GREAT.

[APPLAUSE]

FUCK ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
WAS REALLY GREAT, JOEY?

THE ICING ON THE GRAVY, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE DRIVING,
A COUPLE OF MILES AWAY,

WE'RE SAFE NOW, ALL RIGHT?

FRANKIE'S DRIVING,
WE'RE NOT GOING FAST.

DOING ABOUT 80, RIGHT?

FRANKIE'S ROLLING A J
WITH ONE HAND,

DRIVING THE CAR,

ROLLS THE J,
PASSES IT OVER TO ME.

I TAKES THE JOINT,
I LIGHTS IT,

AND I GOES, FRANKIE,

WHAT'D YOU START
ALL THAT STUFF FOR, MAN?

WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN
KILLED BACK THERE.

KNOW WHAT HE SAYS TO ME?

HE DOESN'T EVEN
LOOK AT ME, MAN.

HE TAKES THE JOINT,
HE'S STILL DRIVING,

AND HE GOES,

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SPIT
IN THE DEVIL'S EYE

JUST TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE ALIVE.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT THAT.

HIT MY BRAIN LIKE A ROCK.

I LOOKS AT LOUIE
IN THE BACK SEAT

PASSED OUT DREAMING
OF TOWELS AND SHEETS,

I LOOKS AT FRANKIE
DRINKING A BEER,

SMOKING A J,
DRIVING A CAR

90 MILES AN HOUR
WITH THE RADIO FULL BLAST,

I THINKS TO MYSELF,
YEAH, MAN,

THIS GUY KNOWS
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

THIS GUY'S GOING TO LIVE
UNTIL THE DAY HE DIES.

NO SURRENDER, MAN.
NO FUCKING SURRENDER!

ROCK ON!

WE DROVE ALL THE WAY
OUT TO THE BEACH,

WE MADE A FIRE
DOWN ON THE BEACH THERE,

SMOKING THAT WHOLE
HALF-POUND OF POT.

WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK.

JUST THOUGHT
ABOUT WHAT HE SAID

ALL NIGHT, MAN.

WE STAYED UP
ALL NIGHT LONG.

SMOKED THE WHOLE
HALF-POUND OF POT.

THE SUN CAME UP, MAN,

AND I REALIZED SOMETHING,
JOE.

I REALIZED
SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MAN.

I LOOKED OUT AT THE WATER

AND I THOUGHT THERE'S
A LOT OF WATER, MAN.

AND ALL THAT WATER
IS MADE OF LITTLE DROPS.

AND I'M LIKE
A LITTLE DROP OF WATER

IN THE WORLD, MAN.

SO I MIGHT AS WELL PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

I MIGHT AS WELL PARTY.

SUN COMES UP, RIGHT?

LOUIE WAKES UP IN
THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR,

COMES STUMBLING DOWN
TO THE BEACH.

HE'S GOING, I HAVE TO BE
AT THE CHURCH AT 10 A.M.

HE'S GOT PUKE ALL OVER,
WANTS TO GO TO CHURCH.

WE THROWS HIM
IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR.

WE STARTS GOING DOWN
TOWARDS THE CHURCH.

WE RUN OUT OF GAS
A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.

HUH? OH, WE GOT THERE,
WE GOT THERE.

A LITTLE LATE,
AROUND 2:30 OR SO.

IT'S OK, THOUGH.
LOUIE'S ALL RIGHT ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE HAVING THE WEDDING
NEXT SATURDAY.

LOUIE'S GRANDMOTHER GOT
ONE OF THOSE

LITTLE HEART ATTACKS
THEY GET,

THOSE OLD LADIES GET.

OTHER THAN THAT,
EVERYTHING'S COOL.

HEY, LISTEN, JOEY--

SHH, SHH--
DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT, OK,

ANOTHER SURPRISE PARTY
FOR LOUIE, ALL RIGHT?

LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO COME,
YOU SHOULD COME.

WAIT A SECOND.

OH...OH, SHIT.

LISTEN, JOEY, IF YOU
WANT TO COME NEXT WEEK,

YOU SHOULD COME, MAN.

THIS TIME, NO GIRLS.

THEY CAUSE
TOO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[APPLAUSE]

I-I-I-I-I
DON'T LIKE TO COMPLAIN.

I'M A HAPPY GUY.

RUNS IN MY FAMILY,
HAPPINESS.

NEVER BEEN SICK IN MY LIFE,
NOT ONE DAY.

UNLESS YOU COUNT
BROKEN BONES,

WHICH I DON'T.

I LIKE TO STAY ON

THE SUNNY SIDE
OF THE STREET.

I LIKE TO STAY ON
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF THINGS.

YOU GIVE ME
A PACK OF CIGARETTES,

EGG SALAD SANDWICH,
CUP OF COFFEE,

NEWSPAPER,
SOMEPLACE TO SIT DOWN,

I'M HAPPY.

I DON'T EVEN
NEED THE CIGARETTES,

IT'S A DIRTY HABIT,
UNHEALTHY, EXPENSIVE.

PEOPLE
GIVE YOU CIGARETTES.

FOOD'S ANOTHER SUBJECT.

PEOPLE AREN'T WALKING AROUND
WITH AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

IN THEIR BACK POCKET.

NOT UNLESS THEY'RE CRAZY.

YOU FIGURE
EGG SALAD SANDWICH

GOING TO RUN YOU
80, 90 BOTTLES.

50 BOTTLES A DAY,
SHORTFALL OF 20 BOTTLES.

OR CANS.
BOTTLES OR CANS.

IT DON'T MAKE
MUCH DIFFERENCE.

I-I-IT DON'T MAKE
NO DIFFERENCE.

BACK IN THE OLD DAYS

I USED TO WEIGH A LOT MORE
THAN I DO NOW.

ALWAYS USED TO BE ON A DIET,
TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE
THAT PROBLEM ANYMORE.

I'M ON THE EGG SALAD
SANDWICH DIET NOW.

ONE EGG SALAD SANDWICH
EVERY TWO DAYS,

YOU LOSE WEIGHT
LIKE CRAZY.

IT FLIES OFF
AND STAYS OFF, TOO.

I'M GOING TO GET A PATENT,
AD IN THE NEWSPAPER,

THEN I COULD MAKE
A LITTLE MONEY THERE.

BUT NEW-NEW-NEWSPAPER,
PEOPLE LEAVE THEM AROUND.

YOU CAN READ THEM.

IT-IT-IT'S OK.

I LIKE TO STAY INFORMED,
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY GOT A TRAIN IN JAPAN

GOES OVER
300 MILES AN HOUR.

THEY GOT HOTELS NOW
FOR COCKROACHES,

HOTELS NOW FOR MICE.

I-I-I-I STAY AWAY
FROM HOTELS, THOUGH.

TOO EXPENSIVE,
10 BUCKS A NIGHT,

WHO'S GOT
THAT KIND OF MONEY?

THAT'S 200 BOTTLES.
NOT ON MY BUDGET.

IT'S OK, THOUGH.

THERE'S ALWAYS
SOMEPLACE YOU CAN STAY.

SOMEPLACE YOU CAN
WEDGE YOURSELF IN.

THE PROBLEM IS THE ROCKS,
THE STONES.

EVERYTHING'S TOO HARD,
THE STEEL, THE METAL.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO WOOD?

WE USED TO MAKE
EVERYTHING OUT OF WOOD.

BUILDINGS OUT OF WOOD,
BENCHES OUT OF WOOD.

NO MORE.

[METAL RATTLES]

NO MORE.

EVERYTHING'S METAL
THESE DAYS.

THERE'S NO MORE WOOD.

THEY CHOPPED DOWN
ALL THE TREES.

NO MORE TREES,
NO MORE WOOD.

I SAW A TREE.

I SAW A TREE.

THEY MADE A LITTLE HOLE
IN THE SIDEWALK,

PUT A LITTLE BABY TREE
THERE,

AND EVERY DAY
I SAY HELLO TO THE TREE.

HELLO, TREE.
EVERY DAY I COME BY,

WATCH IT GROWING.

THIS GUY WITH A TRUCK
WAS BACKING IT UP,

MAKING THAT SOUND--
BAM-BAM-BAM--

WENT RIGHT OVER THE TREE.

SEE, TREE CAN'T HEAR
THAT SOUND.

THAT WAS IT FOR THE TREE.

YOU RUN THEM OVER,
THEY DIE.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE PEOPLE,
CAN'T TAKE THE ABUSE.

PUT A METAL POLE THERE,
YOU DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

TRUCK HITS THE POLE,
IT STOPS.

THEN YOU DON'T HAVE
THE TWIGS, THE LEAVES,

THE WOOD--
WOOD IS GOOD.

WOOD IS GOOD.
DOGS LIKE WOOD.

I USED TO HAVE A DOG,
WALK HIM EVERY DAY.

COME ON, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO, COME ON.

HERE WE GO.
WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU?

WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU?
I TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHO'S GOING
TO TAKE CARE OF ME

ON MY OLD AGE, HUH?

THAT'S WHAT I USED TO SAY
TO HIM EVERY DAY.

WHO'S GOING
TO TAKE CARE OF ME?

HE RAN AWAY, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S OK.
THEY GOT TO EAT, TOO.

WE ALL GOT TO EAT.
I LIKE TO EAT.

HABIT OF MINE.

NICE LITTLE
EGG SALAD SANDWICH THERE.

NICE CUP OF COFFEE.

CREAM, SUGAR...

I'M CUTTING DOWN
ON THE COFFEE THESE DAYS.

60 CENTS A CUP.
WHO THOUGHT UP THAT FIGURE?

IT SHOULD BE
10 CENTS A CUP.

THEY GOT A CARTEL,

THEY GOT ALL THE BEANS
IN THE OPECS, THERE.

THEY GOT THE BEANS.

IT'S THE BEANS,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S OK, THOUGH.
I DON'T NEED COFFEE.

PEOPLE DRINK COFFEE
TO STAY AWAKE.

I DON'T NEED TO STAY AWAKE.
I'M AWAKE!

WHEN I'M ASLEEP, I'M AWAKE.
I'M ALWAYS AWAKE.

YOU LIE DOWN SOMEPLACE,
YOU GOT TO STAY AWAKE.

YOU DON'T KEEP
YOUR EYES OPEN,

GUY COMES BY
WITH A BASEBALL BAT,

BANG, BANG, BANG,
THAT'S IT, YOU'RE FINISHED.

NO MORE CIGARETTES,
NO MORE COFFEE,

NO MORE SHOES.
THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD.

THESE GUYS IN THE STREET,
THEY LIKE TO FIGHT.

I DON'T GOT THAT LUXURY.

I'M MISSING A KNEECAP,
CAN'T HEAR OUT OF THIS EAR,

I'M ON MY SECOND SET
OF TEETH.

I'M LIKE THE BIONIC MAN
WITHOUT THE HARDWARE.

I'M NO CASSIUS CLAY.

I'M NO CASSIUS CLAY...

BUT I-I-I-I LIKE TO STAY
ON THE SUNNY SIDE

OF THE STREET.

I LIKE
TO STAY POSITIVE.

GUY ONCE SAID TO ME--
NEVER FORGET IT--

LIFE IS LIKE
A HALF A GLASS OF WATER.

IT'S LIKE A HALF A GLASS
OF WATER THERE, SEE?

YOU GOT A HALF A GLASS
OF WATER THERE,

AND, UH...

YOU GOT A HALF A GLASS
OF WATER THERE.

AND, UM...

Y-Y-Y-YOU SHOULD
DRINK THAT WATER,

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

NO, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

HE SAID
HALF A GLASS OF WATER

IS BETTER THAN
NO WATER AT ALL.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY--

I COULD BE LIVING
IN ETHIOPIA.

THEY GOT IT TERRIBLE
OVER THERE.

THOSE POOR PEOPLE SIT
IN THE DIRT ALL DAY LONG

AND THEY GOT NOTHING TO EAT,

AND IT'S TOO SUNNY
AND THE SAND ALL OVER--

IT'S NOT FOR ME.
IT'S NOT MY BAG.

IT'S BETTER HERE.

IT'S GOOD HERE.
IT'S GOOD.

THANK GOD,
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

THANK GOD.

I GOT TO GET GOING NOW.
TIME TO GO TO WORK.

THE EARLY BIRD
CATCHES THE CAN,

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

OR BOTTLES.
BOTTLES OR CANS.

IT DON'T MAKE
NO DIFFERENCE.

IT DON'T MAKE
NO DIFFERENCE.

IT DON'T MAKE
NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL.

[APPLAUSE]

FRANK, WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHAT DID HE SAY?

IS HE GONNA SUE ME?
HE'S GONNA SUE ME?

DOES HE KNOW WHO
HE'S FUCKING HERE, FRANK?

HE'S FUCKING
WITH GOD HERE, FRANK.

DID YOU TELL HIM THAT?

DOES HE KNOW WHAT GOD DOES
WHEN IT GETS ANGRY, FRANK?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF
SODOM AND GOMORRAH, FRANK?

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
TO HIS FACE, OK?

FRANK, FRANK, FRANK.

I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR IT, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANOTHER WORD.

I'M GONNA BLOW HIM AWAY.

I'M GONNA
PEEL HIS SKIN OFF.

I'M GONNA DRINK HIS BLOOD.

I'M GONNA EAT
HIS CHILDREN, FRANK.

AND I'M GONNA
ENJOY MYSELF.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

THE GUY'S A SCHMUCK,
A SCHLMIEL AND A SHITHEAD

FOR FUCKING WITH ME,
FRANK.

HE SHOULD KNOW
BETTER THAN THAT.

NO, NO. FRANK, FRANK.
I'M NOT LISTENING.

I'M NOT LISTENING
TO ANOTHER WORD.

NO, NO, NO. FRANK, FRANK.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

I'M NOT LISTENING, FRANK.

CALL HIM BACK RIGHT NOW.

CALL HIM AND TELL HIM,
DON'T EVEN CALL HIM.

CALL HIS CHILDREN.

TELL THEM THEY'RE
GONNA BE EATEN.

GOOD BYE, FRANK.

DIANE!

WHO'S ON LINE 1?

MY WIFE?
PUT HER ON HOLD.

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?
I'M STARVING TO DEATH.

I DON'T CARE, DIANE.
ANYTHING.

I DON'T CARE, DIANE,

ANYTHING.
I AM STARVING TO DEATH.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.

NO. NO MONK FISH.

NO MONK FISH, NO ARUGULA,

NO SUNDRIED TOMATOES.

NO HOLY TORTELLINI.

I WANT FOOD. YOU KNOW
WHAT FOOD IS, DIANE?

YOU EVER HEAR OF IT BEFORE?

UNLIKE YOU, DIANE,
I AM A HUMAN BEING.

I NEED FOOD, I NEED COFFEE.

PLEASE GET ME SOME.

CALL JEFF CAVANAUGH,
PUT HIM ON LINE 2.

CALL DAVE SIMPSON
PUT HIM ON LINE 3.

THANK YOU.

HI, HONEY.

I KNOW, I TELL HER
TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

DON'T PUT MY WIFE ON HOLD.
SHE PUTS YOU ON HOLD.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT'D YOU DO TODAY?

THAT'S NICE.
HOW MUCH DID THAT COST?

NO, NO. SPEND THE MONEY.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

HOW'S JEREMY?

WHY'D HE DO THAT?

WHY DID HE
BITE THE KID, SONYA?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I TOLD HIM?

I DID NOT TELL HIM
TO BITE ANYBODY.

I DID NOT TELL HIM--

SONYA, DON'T TELL ME
WHAT I TELL HIM, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD HIM--
CAN I TALK HERE PLEASE?

I TOLD HIM,
THE NEXT TIME A LITTLE BOY

DOES SOMETHING TO YOU,

DO TWICE AS MUCH
BACK TO HIM.

THAT IS WHAT I SAID.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT HIS THERAPIST SAYS.

HIS THERAPIST
IS A CO-DEPENDENT,

DYSFUNCTIONAL FRAUD.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT HIS THERAPIST.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY
TO JEREMY?

I'M GONNA SAY, JEREMY,
BITE YOUR THERAPIST.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.

SHE CAN WORK ON THAT
FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

WHAT ELSE?

HOW'D SHE DO THAT?

HOW'D SHE FIT IT
IN THE MICROWAVE, SONYA?

WHAT IS THIS, 3 MICROWAVES

WE'VE BROKEN
IN THE LAST YEAR?

NO, NO, NO.

IF YOU JUST HIRED SOMEBODY
FROM A COUNTRY

WHERE THEY HAD ELECTRICITY,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE
THESE PROBLEMS ALL THE TIME.

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER,
THAT'S ALL.

TURN IT ON,
PLUG IT IN THE WALL--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
SHE'LL QUIT?

SHE WON'T QUIT.

SHE HAS IT GREAT.
SHE HAS IT GREAT, SONYA.

SHE SPENDS ALL DAY

IN A LUXURY
NEW YORK APARTMENT.

I SPEND ALL DAY
IN THIS OFFICE

KILLING MYSELF
SO SHE CAN SPEND ALL DAY

IN MY LUXURY
NEW YORK APARTMENT.

SHE SPENDS MORE TIME THERE
THAN I DO!

I'M NOT SHOUTING.

THIS IS NOT SHOUTING.
AM I SHOUTING?

IS THIS SHOUTING.
AM I SHOUTING?

I AM NOT SHOUTING.
THIS IS NOT SHOUTING.

I AM DISCUSSING.

WE ARE HAVING
A NORMAL DISCUSSION.

TWO NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS

ARE HAVING A NORMAL
CONVERSATION.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE JUST
A LITTLE TOO AGITATED

RIGHT NOW TO HAVE THIS
CONVERSATION.

WHY DON'T WE WAIT
UNTIL I GET HOME

WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT THEN.

AROUND 9:00.

I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

SONYA, DO YOU THINK I LIKE

SLAVING AND SWEATING HERE

ALL HOURS
OF THE NIGHT AND DAY

SO YOU AND JEREMY
CAN BE SAFE AND FREE?

DO YOU?

IT HASN'T BEEN TWO WEEKS.

IT HASN'T BEEN TWO WEEKS.
WE JUST DID IT.

WE DID IT--
WE DID IT JUST RECENTLY.

I KNOW WE DID.

WE'LL HAVE SEX
TOMORROW NIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

I WON'T FORGET.
I'LL PUT IT IN MY BOOK.

LISTEN, LISTEN, HONEY.

NEXT MONTH, WE'LL GO DOWN
TO ST. BARTS

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WE'LL SPEND A COUPLE
OF WEEKS ON THE BEACH.

WE'LL GET A NICE PLACE
BY THE BEACH.

WE'LL MAKE LOVE EVERY DAY
ON THE BEACH.

ALL RIGHT?

YOU WON'T GET SAND
IN YOUR CROTCH.

WILL YOU STOP IT, PLEASE?

LISTEN, I HAVE TO
GET OFF THE PHONE.

I HAVE 15 MILLION
PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.

HUH?

NO. DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR.

NO, NO.
DON'T COLOR YOUR HAIR.

DON'T START WITH
THE HAIR BLACKMAIL NOW.

SONYA, COME ON.

I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS
TO DO HERE.

I LIKE IT THE WAY--

THE WAY YOU LOOKED
THIS MORNING WHEN I LEFT,

THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT,
ALL RIGHT.

JUST LIKE THAT.

WHEN I COME HOME TONIGHT,

THAT'S THE WAY
YOU SHOULD LOOK, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GETTING OFF THE PHONE.

GIVE JEREMY A KISS
GOOD NIGHT FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT. SAY HI
TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME TOO.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT?

ORANGE JUICE.
I WON'T FORGET.

I DON'T HAVE TO
WRITE IT DOWN.

I CAN REMEMBER ORANGE JUICE.
I'M NOT A MORON.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

NIGHTY NIGHT.

I'LL BE HOME
AROUND 10:30.

BYE.

DIANE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?

GROWING THE CROPS OR WHAT?
COME ON, LET'S GO.

I FEEL LIKE
A POSTER CHILD

FOR ETHIOPIAN RELIEF HERE.

MY RIBS ARE STICKING OUT.

I GOT FLIES
GROWING ON MY FACE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
LET'S MOVE IT.

JEFF.

HOW THEY HANGING, MAN?

NOT BAD.

YES.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I FINISHED THAT DEAL UP
THIS MORNING.

I DON'T KNOW,
I MADE ABOUT

85 GRAND IN THE DEAL,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

DIG THIS, MAN.

I MADE A DEAL
THIS AFTERNOON,

I MADE 150 GRAND, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

100 GRAND HERE,
100 GRAND THERE,

PRETTY SOON
YOU'RE TALKING REAL MONEY.

THEY HAVE TO PAY ME, MAN.

THEY HAVE TO PAY ME.

THEY DON'T PAY ME,
I GO NEXT DOOR,

I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH.

IT'S LIKE BRUCE SAYS, MAN.

"NO SURRENDER, NO RETURN."

ROCK ON, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE
I'D BUY A PORSCHE

FOR THE COUNTRY HOUSE.

PARK IN FRONT OF
THE TENNIS COURT.

PISS OFF THE NEIGHBORS.

NOT EVEN DRIVE IT.

JUST LEAVE IT THERE
ALL THE TIME.

NO, I CAN'T DRIVE IT.
I DON'T DRIVE A STICK.

THOSE ARE GOOD.
WHAT IS THAT?

RANGE ROVERS,
THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE 4-WHEEL DRIVES?

VERY ECOLOGICAL, RIGHT?

YEAH, MAYBE I'LL GET
ONE OF THOSE.

MAYBE I'LL GET
TWO OF THOSE, WHATEVER.

NO, I CAN'T. NOT TONIGHT.

I'M DOING SOMETHING.

WHO AM I DOING?
I'M NOT TELLING YOU.

IF I TELL YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA TELL NADINE,

SHE'S GONNA TELL SONYA.

VERY BEAUTIFUL.

BETTER.

BETTER THAN HER.

BETTER THAN HER.

YES, SHE HAS LEGS.

YES, SHE HAS BREASTS.

SHE HAS ARMS,
SHE HAS A HEAD.

I GOT THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

JEFF, THE CLOSEST YOU CAME

TO A WOMAN THIS BEAUTIFUL
IS THAT TIME YOU BOUGHT

THAT SCRATCH
AND SNIFF PICTURE

OF VANNA WHITE.

[CHUCKLING]

AND DIG THIS, MAN,
SHE'S AN ARTIST.

SHE'S VERY, VERY SENSITIVE.

SHE WAS IN A BAR,
SHE PICKED ME UP.

HOW COULD I SAY NO?

JEFF, UNLIKE YOU,

I AM STILL COMMITTED
TO MY SIXTIES IDEALISM.

I AM STILL COMMITTED
TO EXPERIENCE

AND EXPLORATION.

I DIDN'T SELL OUT
THE WAY YOU DID, MAN.

I'M STILL COMMITTED
TO THESE THINGS

AS A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE
GET TOGETHER TOMORROW NIGHT

OVER AT MY CLUB.

PLAY A LITTLE HANDBALL
OVER AT THE CLUB.

HAVE A COUPLE
OF POPS AFTERWARDS, OK?

NO, MY CLUB, MY CLUB.

MY CLUB IS NICER
THAN YOUR CLUB.

IT'S SAFER, IT'S CLEANER.

THEY DON'T LET THOSE
WEIRD PEOPLE IN

THAT THEY LET IN
OVER YOUR PLACE.

I GOTTA GET BACK
TO WORK, JEFF.

I GOTTA MAKE A LITTLE
MONEY HERE.

UNLIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHING]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I AM A GENIUS.
I AM THE BEST.

NO ONE CAN GET CLOSE TO ME.

I'LL LET YOU
GET CLOSE TO ME, JEFF.

YOU CAN BLOW ME. BYE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

YEAH, DAVE. YEAH, DAVE.

YEAH, DAVE, DAVE,

I AGREE WITH YOU
150 PERCENT.

THE MAN IS A WONDERFUL
HUMAN BEING.

I LOVE HIM.

HE'S A WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL MAN.

I FELT TERRIBLE
HAVING TO LET HIM GO.

I KNOW HE HAS HIS PENSION
COMING UP, DAVE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

I KNOW HE'S LOSING
HIS PENSION,

I KNOW HE'S 58 YEARS OLD.

YOU'RE NOT
TELLING ME ANYTHING

I DON'T KNOW HERE, DAVE.

BUT DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT KNOW
ABOUT HIM AND ME,

IS THAT WHEN I FIRST CAME
TO WORK AT THIS COMPANY,

THIS GUY WAS LIKE
A FATHER TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

I LOVED THIS MAN
LIKE MY OWN FATHER.

I LOVE HIM.

IT BROKE MY HEART
TO HAVE TO LET HIM GO, DAVE.

I KNOW HE'S GOING
FOR MAJOR SURGERY NEXT WEEK.

I'M NOT HIS DOCTOR, DAVE.
I'M HIS BOSS.

NO, NO, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

YOU'RE MISSING
SOMETHING HERE.

DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

THE GUY IS NOT
PRODUCING ANYMORE.

HE'S EASY LISTENING.

THIS PLACE IS ROCK 'N ROLL.

I NEED PRODUCTION.

I NEED PROFITS HERE, DAVE.

NO, NO, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT A SECOND.

NO, NO. NO. YOU LISTEN
TO ME FOR A SECOND.

YOU'VE BEEN TALKING
NON STOP FOR 5 MINUTES.

LET ME GET IN TWO WORDS
EDGEWISE HERE PLEASE.

NOW LET ME JUST ASK YOU
SOMETHING HERE, DAVE.

JUST ONE SIMPLE,
SIMPLE QUESTION.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE
IN THE COUNTRY, DAVE?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE
IN THE COUNTRY?

YOU DO. OK.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW
SWIMMING POOL YOU JUST GOT?

YOU DO? OK.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW
MERCEDES STATION WAGON?

YOU DO? OK. ALL RIGHT.

YOU LIKE THAT NEW
HORSE SCHOOL

YOU SEND YOUR DAUGHTER TO?

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW CAR PHONE?

YOU LIKE LONG LUNCHES, DAVE?

DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
PAYS FOR THOSE THINGS, DAVE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS
FOR THOSE THINGS?

PROFITS, DAVE.
SAY PROFITS.

I WANT TO HEAR YOU
SAY PROFITS.

JUST SAY IT.

SAY IT!

THANK YOU.

NOW WHEN THE PROFIT AXE
COMES DOWN, DAVE,

ANYBODY'S HEAD COULD ROLL.

I COULD LOSE MY JOB
TOMORROW.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB
TOMORROW.

YOU COULD
LOSE YOUR JOB TODAY.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB
IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES

BECAUSE OF THIS
STUPID CONVERSATION.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, DAVE,

I WANT TO GET RID OF
THE GUY EVEN MORE NOW.

NOW HE'S WASTING HIS TIME.

HE SITS AROUND WASTING TIME,
HE'S WASTING YOUR TIME.

ALL YOU GUYS SIT AROUND
WASTING TIME,

YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.

AND ALL THE PEOPLE
IN THIS COMPANY

ARE WASTING TIME,
SO WHAT'S THE POINT, DAVE?

WHAT IS THE POINT?

WHAT IS THE FUNNY,
GODDAMN POINT?

CAN YOU TELL ME
WHAT THE FUCKING

GODDAMN POINT IS PLEASE?

DAVE!

YOU'RE NOT SURE?

WELL, LET ME
ASK YOU THIS, DAVE.

OUT OF MY OWN
CURIOSITY, I WANT TO KNOW.

ARE YOU HAPPY HERE
WORKING AT THIS COMPANY?

I JUST WONDERED.

YOU SPEND ALL DAY
MAKING CRAZY PHONE CALLS,

AND YOU'RE NOT WORKING.

ARE YOU HAPPY HERE
WORKING WITH US

AT THIS COMPANY?

YOU ARE.

WELL, I JUST WANT YOU
TO BE HAPPY, DAVE.

SO GET BACK TO WORK,
ALL RIGHT?

OK.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

OK. I CAN DIG IT, MAN. OK.

ALL RIGHT. NO, NO, NO.

IT'S FORGOTTEN.
IT'S FORGOTTEN.

I HOLD NO GRUDGES,
ALL RIGHT?

OK. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH. I WILL, I WILL.

YOU SAY HI TO JODY FOR ME.

JUDY, RIGHT. JUDY.
SAY HI TO JUDY FOR ME.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

OK. BYE BYE.

DIANE. LET ME MAKE IT
EASY FOR YOU.

TAKE YOUR HAND, PUT IT
IN THE MICROWAVE OVEN,

GRILL IT,
BRING IT IN TO ME.

WHO'S ON LINE 4?

I GOT IT.

HI, THERE.

NOTHING.

MAKING MONEY.
WHAT ELSE DO I DO?

YEAH.

I'M WORKING
VERY, VERY HARD.

NOW THAT YOU CALLED,

IT'S GETTING HARDER
AND HARDER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE MAKING A SCULPTURE?

YEAH?

YOU'RE WORKING
IN YOUR STUDIO. YEAH.

WHAT KIND OF SCULPTURE
YOU MAKING?

YOU'RE MAKING A SCULPTURE
OF A HORSE,

AND YOU WROTE THE WORD
HORSE ALL OVER IT?

THAT'S VERY CONCEPTUAL,
YVETTE.

HMM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
I SOUND BORED?

I'M NOT BORED AT ALL.

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT
YOUR ART, YVETTE.

YVETTE, I LOVE TALKING
ABOUT--

I WAS JUST TELLING
SOMEBODY 5 MINUTES AGO

WHAT A WONDERFUL ART
YOU HAVE.

YVETTE? YVETTE, CAN I
TELL YOU SOMETHING?

IF YOU WERE 100 YEARS OLD,

AND YOU WERE AS UGLY
AS A CLOCK,

I WOULD STILL LOVE YOU,
AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOUR ART,
THAT'S WHY.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

YOU SAY THESE THINGS TO ME,

AND YOU GET ME ALL UPSET.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
COME OVER THERE LATER ON.

I'M GONNA BE ALL FULL
OF THESE WEIRD FEELINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO.

I MET HAVE TO LIKE,

GIVE YOU A NICE LITTLE
SPANKING ON YOUR BOTTOM.

OH, YEAH?

WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA DO?

ALL OVER MY BODY?

OOH, THAT WOULD HURT.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE
ALL THIS ATTENTION?

I AM A PRETTY NICE GUY,
AREN'T I?

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, YVETTE.

YVETTE, WHEN I SAY
FROM ME TO YOU,

I LOVE YOU,
I MEAN I LOVE YOU.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD
KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS

TO SAY I LOVE YOU

THE WAY THAT I MEAN
I LOVE YOU,

WHEN I SAY, FROM ME TO YOU,
I LOVE YOU.

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THE WORLD

HAS EVER LOVED
THE WAY THAT I'M LOVING

WHEN I LOVE YOU.

MY LIFE WOULD HAVE
NO MEANING

IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.
WOULD I LIE TO YOU?

LISTEN, YVETTE, MY BOSS

JUST CAME RUNNING
IN THE OFFICE.

HE'S GOT A BIG BUNCH
OF PAPERS.

YELLING AT ME,
EVERYTHING'S CRAZY HERE.

WHEN AM I GONNA SEE YOU,
AROUND 6:00 TONIGHT?

OVER AT THE LOFT?

OK. MAKE A BIG BUNCH
OF SCULPTURES FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. CIAO TO YOU TOO.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

[SMOOCHING SOUNDS]

DIANE! CUT THE FOOD,,
CUT THE COFFEE.

BRING IN MAALOX
AND A SHOESHINE BOY.

HOLD MY CALLS. THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

JERRY?

JERRY, I'M OUT
IN THE BACKYARD.

I'M OUT IN
THE BACKYARD HERE.

COME OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

OH...

EVERY TIME I HAVE
THE FRIED CALAMARI

WITH THE HOT SAUCE,

I FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA BLOW UP.

OH...

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OLYMPIC SIZE. OLYMPIC SIZE.

I SAYS TO THE GUY
WHO SELLS THE POOLS,

I SAYS GIVE ME THE BIGGEST,
THE BEST POOL YOU GOT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT COSTS.

I GOT A MOTTO, JIMMY.
VERY SIMPLE.

TAKE CARE OF LUXURIES,

THE NECESSITIES
TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

YOU ONLY GO AROUND
ONCE IN THIS LIFE.

YOU GOTTA GRAB
ALL THE GUSTO YOU CAN.

HUH?

I DON'T KNOW.

HUNDRED GRAND MAYBE.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S LIKE WHEN I WAS
BUYING ME A BMW.

I COULD'VE BOUGHT A 750,

OR I COULD'VE SAVED
A LITTLE MONEY

AND BOUGHT A 535.

BUT I THINKS TO MYSELF,
I BUY A 535,

I'M OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE HIGHWAY SOMEPLACE,

750 PASSES ME,

I'M GONNA GET PISSED OFF.

ANOTHER 800 OR 900
BUCKS A MONTH,

WHY WASTE THE AGGRAVATION?

BUY THE 750.

YOU SHOULD GET YOURSELF
A BMW, JIMMY.

THROW AWAY THAT SHITBOX
YOU DRIVE AROUND IN.

EMBARRASSING.

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT?

OF COURSE YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU, JIMMY?

AND I'M JUST TRYING
TO BE HELPFUL HERE.

YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP.

THE ONLY THING STOPPING YOU

FROM HAVING
THE CAR OF YOUR DREAMS,

IS FEAR.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO HAVE,
YOU'RE AFRAID TO OWN.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO LIVE.

HOW MUCH YOU MAKING
NOW A YEAR?

19 GRAND A YEAR?

22 GRAND A YEAR?

GO GET YOURSELF A BMW.
COME ON.

YOU GOTTA LIVE, JIMMY.
YOU GOTTA LIVE.

YOU DON'T LIVE, YOU'RE DEAD.

THAT'S WHAT LIFE
IS ALL ABOUT.

LIVING.

I WANT TO BUY SOMETHING,
I BUY IT.

I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE,
I GO THERE.

SEE THIS CIGAR HERE?

THIS IS A HAVANA CIGAR.

WHY DO I SMOKE
HAVANA CIGARS?

BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST
CIGAR, THAT'S WHY.

I COULD SMOKE
SOMETHING ELSE.

I COULD SAVE MYSELF
15 BUCKS A POP.

I COULD SMOKE SOMETHING ELSE.

WHY SHOULD I? WHY SHOULD I?

SO SOMEBODY ELSE
CAN SMOKE THIS CIGAR?

FUCK HIM. IT'S MY CIGAR.

I'M SMOKING IT.

IT'S MY LIFE, IT'S MY CIGAR.

I EXERCISE NOW.

I'M ALIVE.

I COME OUT HERE
EVERY MORNING.

WE GOT THE NICE
SWIMMING POOL HERE.

I CAME OUT EVERY MORNING.
7 AM.

I JUMP IN THE POOL.
I SWIM A WHOLE LAP.

THEN I COME BACK
IN THE HOUSE.

I HAVE A NICE BREAKFAST.

I HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST.

THAT, UM...
THOSE OAT BRAN MUFFINS.

I HAVE 5 OR 6
OAT BRAN MUFFINS.

SCRAMBLED EGGS,
BACON, SAUSAGE.

NICE POT OF BLACK COFFEE.

I'M ALIVE, JIMMY.
I'M ALIVE.

I'M 51 YEARS OLD.

I STILL MAKE LOVE
TO MY WIFE

LIKE IT'S OUR
WEDDING NIGHT.

I KNOW GUYS
10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
THEY GOT A DICK.

THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER
IN THE MORNING.

SUDSING THEMSELVES UP.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

OH!

WHAT'S THAT?

THEY THINK IT'S A GROWTH

STICKING OUT OF
THEIR BODY THERE.

SEE OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S A GAZEBO.

GUY THAT SOLD ME THE POOL,

HE SAYS,
YOU GOTTA HAVE A GAZEBO

IF YOU GET A SWIMMING POOL.

THAT'S THE BEST ONE
THEY MAKE.

COST ME $6500.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT IS.

SEE, JIMMY...

PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT
I'M SAYING HERE.

VITO SCIPOLETTI.

VITO SCIPOLETTI. HE NEVER
DID NOTHING IN HIS LIFE.

HE NEVER SMOKED.
HE NEVER DRANK.

HE NEVER CHASED SKIRTS.
HE NEVER GAMBLED.

HE NEVER WALKED
WHEN IT SAYS DON'T WALK.

YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS TODAY

WITH ALL HIS MONEY
IN THE BANK?

HE'S THE GUY YOU SEE

STANDING IN FRONT OF
THE OLD CANDY STORE.

FROM 9:00 IN THE MORNING
TILL 9:00 AT NIGHT,

READING THE NEWSPAPER.

HE LIVED HIS LIFE SO GOOD,
HE FORGOT TO LIVE.

WHAT'S THE POINT
OF LIVING LIKE THAT?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

JIMMY, THEY TELL YOU,

CIGARS TAKE 3 YEARS
OFF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT 3 YEARS?
WHAT 3 YEARS?

'86 - '89?

WHO NEEDS THEM?
GIVE ME THE CIGARS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH...

I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD

THAT SECOND PIECE
OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.

OH...

SEE, JIMMY, THERE'S PEOPLE
ALL OVER THE WORLD

STARVING TO DEATH.

IN AFRICA, IN ASIA,
ARMENIA.

THEY JUST SIT IN THE DIRT
ALL DAY LONG.

THEY GOT NOTHING.

THEY DON'T HAVE A POT
TO PISS IN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE PEOPLE
DO ALL DAY LONG

WHEN THEY'RE SITTING THERE?

THEY DREAM.

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE
TO LIVE IN AMERICA.

HAVE A HOUSE, HAVE A CAR.

HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.

I CAN'T LET THOSE
POOR PEOPLE DOWN, JIMMY.

I'M HERE, I'M LIVING IT.

I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT.

I REMEMBERING READING
A MAGAZINE

ABOUT A RESORT IN HAWAII

WHERE YOU CAN SWIM
WITH THE DOLPHINS.

BANGO, I'M THERE.

THEY MAKE A NEW CASINO
DOWN IN ATLANTIC CITY,

I'M THERE THE FIRST DAY
IT OPENS.

THEY MAKE A NEW TV SET

10 FEET WIDE,
2 STORIES HIGH,

I BUY IT.

'CAUSE I'M ALIVE, JIMMY.
I'M ALIVE.

IT'S MY LIFE.

I DON'T LIVE IT,
WHO'S GONNA?

I'M GONNA LIVE
UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

THEN I CAN REST.

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU NEED, JIMMY?

YOU NEED TO SWIM IN MY
NEW SWIMMING POOL HERE.

COME ON, PUT ON YOUR TRUNKS,

AND JUMP IN THE WATER.
GO GET YOUR TRUNKS.

COME ON. SNAP OUT OF IT.

JUMP IN THIS WATER, JIMMY.

THIS WATER'S NOT COLD.

THIS WATER'S NOT COLD.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

[APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO BE NORMAL

JUST TO GET RID
OF THE GUY.

DON'T LEAVE ME OUT.
COME ON.

GOTTA BE MORE TO LIFE

THAN WORRYING ABOUT
THE PRICE OF CIGARETTES.

WHAT'S ON TV.
GETTING A JOB.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT NORMALCY.

DON'T TELL ME
ABOUT NORMALCY.

I WANT TO DRIVE
A STATION WAGON

WITH A BUNCH OF KIDS
IN THE BACK SEAT

SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

I WANT TO GO
TO THE SUPERMARKET

AND COMPARE PRICES.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT
WHILE I SLEEP.

I WANNA BUY LIFE INSURANCE.

I WANT TO WEAR PAJAMAS
AND A BATHROBE.

SNEAK INTO THE KITCHEN
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

STEAL A DRUMSTICK.

HAVE A CONVERSATION
WITH MY DOG

ABOUT HIS NUTRITION.

MAYBE JUST ORDER SOMETHING
FROM THE LL BEAN CATALOGUE.

NICE DOWN PARKA MAYBE.
FLANNEL SHIRT.

SOMETHING IN CORDUROY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT NORMALCY.

DON'T TELL ME
ABOUT NORMALCY.

I WANT TO YELL AT MY WIFE

FOR GOING ON
A SPENDING SPREE.

I WANT TO HELP MY KIDS
WITH THEIR GRADES.

I WANT TO ORDER
MY HAMBURGER MY WAY.

I WANT TO DONATE MONEY
TO IMPOVERISHED MINORITIES.

IT'S GONNA
COST MONEY YOU KNOW.

BEING NORMAL IS EXPENSIVE.

THERE WAS THIS RAT

SCRATCHING OUTSIDE MY WALL
THE OTHER NIGHT.

IT WAS LIKE THE SCRATCHING
INSIDE MY HEAD.

AND I SAID, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT ONE MINUTE.

I'M WHITE, I'M AMERICAN,
I'M MALE.

I SHOULD BE DOING
BETTER THAN THIS.

OZZIE AND HARRIET DIDN'T
HAVE RATS IN THE WALL.

THERE WERE NO ROACHES
IN THE BEAVER'S ROOM.

EVEN MR. ED HAD HEAT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

RAT KEPT SCRATCHING,
AND I REALIZED SOMETHING.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

IT'S A RACE
TO THE DEATH NOW.

ANYONE WAITING AROUND

FOR THE GOOD TIMES
TO COME IS A FOOL.

ANYONE THAT THINKS
PLAYING FAIR

WILL GET YOU ANYWHERE
IS BLIND.

SO SAY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

YOU'RE GETTING ALL
EXCITED ABOUT NOTHING.

SURE YOU'RE POOR.
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

YOU HAVE AN ARTISTIC
SENSIBILITY.

ARTISTS ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE POOR.

THE RAT SCRATCH VOICE
INSIDE MY HEAD

SAID, FUCK THAT.

I WANT TO BE RICH,
I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,

THESE ARE NORMAL DESIRES

WHICH SHOULD NOT
BE THWARTED.

IF YOU THWART THEM,
IF YOU REPRESS THEM,

YOU GET CANCER.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

SHIT, MAN. LOOK AT ME.
FAME IS WHAT COUNTS.

FAME WITH MONEY.

ANY JERK CAN GO TO
THE TOP OF SOME TOWER

WITH A SCOPE RIFLE

AND START SHOOTING
AT PEOPLE.

THAT'S SHITTY FAME.
I WANT THE GOOD KIND.

THE KIND
WITH LOTS OF MONEY.

ANY SLOB CAN WIN
THE LOTTERY.

IT TAKES SKILL AND BRAINS
TO GET THE FAME

AND THE MONEY
AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S SUCCESS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN PEOPLE STOP,
THEY LOOK AT YOU,

THEY POINT AT YOU AND SAY,
SEE THAT GUY?

LOOK AT HIM, ADMIRE HIM,
AND GIVE HIM THEIR MONEY

AT THE SAME TIME.

I HEARD THAT THIS ONE GUY
MADE OVER $400 MILLION.

$400 MILLION. THINK OF IT.

I'D BE HAPPY WITH
$40 MILLION.

PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WAS
JUST AS SUCCESSFUL

AS THAT OTHER GUY.

I WOULDN'T EVEN CARE
WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

I WOULDN'T TELL THEM
HOW MUCH MONEY I HAD.

I'D RIDE AROUND
IN A STRETCH LIMOUSINE.

AND I'D HAVE A GREAT BIG
GIANT HOUSE.

I'D STAY IN IT
ALL THE TIME.

I'D HAVE A DARK ROOM
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE

WITH A BIG TRENCH AROUND IT
FILLED WITH PIT BULLS.

A TV SET WITH
REMOTE CONTROL,

A CHAIR THAT TILTED BACK

AND A BIG BOWL
OF POTATO CHIPS.

I'D JUST STAY THERE
ALL THE TIME AND WATCH TV.

OR MAYBE I'LL HAVE
A BIG BATHTUB,

AND I'LL FILL IT
WITH BUBBLE BATH.

AND I'D STAY IN IT ALL DAY

LIKE AL PACINO
IN SCARFACE,

AND SMOKE CIGARS.

BUT NO SEX.

AND NO DRUGS.
TOO DANGEROUS.

GIVE THE MONEY, THE FOOD,
THE TV SETS,

AND A GUN SO I CAN SHOOT
THE TV SET

WHEN SOMEBODY COMES ON
I DON'T LIKE.

I HATE PEOPLE THAT GET
IN THE WAY

OF A GOOD TIME.

JUST WHEN EVERYTHING'S
GETTING GOOD,

THEY WANT SOMETHING
FROM YOU.

AND I WANT YOU ALL
TO LOVE ME.

EVEN THOUGH I HATE
ALL OF YOU.

JUST TO CONFIRM
MY DEEP SEATED FEELINGS

ARE ALL SCUM COMPARED
TO MY BENEFICENCE.

JUST JOKING, JUST JOKING.

DON'T GET ALL EXCITED.

IF YOU GET EXCITED,
JUST LOVE ME.

TELL ME I'M GREAT
AND PAY ME,

AND THEN WE'LL BE EVEN

FOR ALL THE SHIT YOU GAVE ME

IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL
THINKING.

WHAT A JERK.

ALL HE DOES
IS TALK ABOUT HIMSELF.

YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?

LISTEN.

I WAS WRONG
WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

I NEVER REALLY GOT
WHAT I WANTED.

YOU GOT IN THE WAY.

NOW IT'S TIME
TO EVEN THE SCORE.

EVEN IF I TELL YOU
MY PLANS,

YOU WON'T BE ABLE
TO STOP ME.

SO RICH AND POWERFUL,
NOBODY WILL TOUCH ME.

THOSE RICH FUCKS
WHO LORDED OVER ME.

THOSE MUSCULAR JOCKS

WHO KEEP SAYING
TO MY FACE.

ALL THOSE BIG BOOBED
BLONDIES WHO LAUGHED AT ME

WHEN I ASKED THEM FOR DATES.

ALL THOSE PARSIMONIOUS,
PATERNAL, PATRONIZING

ADMINISTRATORS AT SCHOOL

AND THE IRS,
AND THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE,

YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT
I HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE REALLY, REALLY RICH?

YOU GO IN THE STORE,

AND THE JERK BEHIND
THE COUNTER

STARTS SMIRKING AT YOU

BECAUSE HE THINKS
YOU CAN'T AFFORD

THE MOST EXPENSIVE WATCH
IN THE CASE.

YOU KNOW THAT LOOK
THEY GIVE YOU?

THEY HUMOR YOU.

"YES, SIR, MAY I
HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?"

DOESN'T WANT TO HELP ME.

DOESN'T WANT TO
HELP ANYBODY.

JUST WANTS TO LAUGH AT ME
AFTER I'M GONE.

WON'T SHOW ME THE WATCH.

WON'T TAKE IT
OUT OF THE CASE.

WON'T EVEN TELL ME THE PRICE
WHEN I MAKE IT,

YOU CAN HELP ME.

SO I'M GONNA COME BACK
TO YOUR STORE.

I'M NOT GONNA BUY
ONE OF THOSE WATCHES.

I'M NOT GONNA BUY
10 OF YOUR WATCHES.

I'M GONNA BUY
THE WHOLE STORE,

AND I'M GONNA FIRE
YOUR SKINNY ASS

FOR LAUGHING AT ME.

I'M GONNA FIND OUT
WHERE YOU LIVE.

I'M GONNA BUY
YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING.

HAVE YOU EVICTED.

YOU'LL BE ONE MORE PATHETIC
HOMELESS PERSON

WANDERING THE STREETS

IN A STATE
OF PERMANENT DEPRESSION.

OR THOSE THUGS
WHO PUSH INTO YOU

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE STREET.

THEY PUSH INTO YOU,
DON'T SAY THEY'RE SORRY,

OR NOTHING. WHY?

BECAUSE THEY THINK
I'M AFRAID OF THEM.

THEY THINK I WON'T
FIGHT BACK.

WHEN I MAKE IT,
I'LL GET SOME BODYGUARDS.

THEY'RE GONNA
FOLLOW ME AROUND.

SOMEBODY PUSHES INTO ME,
I'LL STEP ASIDE,

THERE WILL BE MY BOY
WITH THE SOCK OF MARBLES

OR THE STRAIGHT RAZOR,
OR THE 38.

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HIT THEM.

THEY'LL BE
ON THE GROUND BLEEDING

WITH THE GLAZED EYES.

I'LL JUST LEAN OVER THEM,
AND I'LL GO,

EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHING]

THINK I SHOULD BE
ASHAMED OF MYSELF?

I HAVE NO GUILT.

BECAUSE I AM NOT A MAN.
I AM A DOG.

[BARKING]

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND
FASCINATING?

HUMAN NATURE.
THE NATURE OF HUMAN BEINGS.

WHAT THEY LIKE
AND DON'T LIKE.

WHAT TURNS THEM ON AND OFF.

WHAT INCREDIBLE APPETITES
THEY HAVE.

NIGHTLY, THEY STAY GLUED
TO THEIR TV SETS.

WATCHING SOME PINHEADED
NEWSCASTER GO ON AND ON

ABOUT TODAY'S GRUESOME
MURDER, OR VICIOUS RAPE.

THEY SIT THERE
AND SUCK UP TV DINNERS

AND MUNCH ON POPCORN

WHILE THEY ABSORB
THE MINUTIAE

OF TODAY'S
MASSIVE MUDSLIDE

OR EXPLODING CHEMICAL PLANT.

"THOUSANDS DEAD AND DYING.

HUNDREDS BLINDED."

MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH.

CAROL, GET SOME MORE SALT

WHILE YOU'RE IN
THE KITCHEN.

HURRY UP. HANDS ARE STICKING
OUT OF THE MUD.

COME ON.
YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.

COMMERCIAL'S OVER.
QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.

AND THESE SAME PEOPLE
WATCH A PBS SPECIAL

ABOUT DOLPHINS,
AND THEY START CRYING.

THEY STAY UP LATE AND WATCH
AND OLD CHRISTMAS MOVIE

STARRING JIMMY STEWART

SITTING ON A BRIDGE
SOMEPLACE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
THEY GO BERSERK.

NEXT MORNING, THEY JUMP IN
THEIR SPORTY COMPACT CARS,

THEY RACE EACH OTHER
ON THE HIGHWAY

WHILE THEY SING ALONG
WITH SOME ARDENT ROCK SINGER

GOING ON AND ON ABOUT
EMACIATED, DARK SKINNED

HOPELESS PEOPLE
TURNED TO DUNG

HALF A WORLD AWAY.

SO THEY FEEL SO GUILTY
ABOUT THAT,

THEY GO HOME,
WRITE A CHECK FOR $5,

MAIL IT OUT TO SOME
POST OFFICE BOX

IN NEW YORK CITY,

THEY FEEL SO GOOD
ABOUT THAT.

THEY GO TO BED
WITH EACH OTHER.

THEY KISS, LICK, FONDLE.

THEY SUCK EACH OTHER.

THEY HOLD EACH OTHER
REALLY, REALLY TIGHT.

BECAUSE THEY
REALLY, REALLY CARE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I'M NEGATIVE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I'M NOT A NICE GUY.

I KNOW YOU ALL HATE ME.

BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE

AT LEAST I REALIZE
THAT I'M A SHIT.

WITHIN A TINY FRAGMENT
OF TRUTH,

I RESPECT MYSELF.

THAT'S WHY NORMALCY

IS SO FAR OUT OF MY REACH.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE BLIND
TO BE NORMAL.

YOU HAVE TO LIKE YOURSELF.

THE THOUGHT OF THAT IS SO
REPELLENT TO ME.

THAT I'M ECSTATIC TO BE

IN THE DEPRESSING PLACE
THAT I'M IN.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE IF A TREE
FALLS IN THE FOREST,

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, MAN?

IT'S LIKE IF EVERYBODY
ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING

THEN NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING.

EVERYTHING'S A CLICHEÉ.

THAT'S WHY I STOPPED
MAKING ART, MAN.

[INHALING]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE WORLD TODAY?

WHY EVERYTHING'S
SCREWED UP.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING
ABOUT IT?

[EXHALES]

WE DON'T LIVE IN
A HUMAN WORLD ANYMORE, MAN.

WE LIVE IN A MACHINE WORLD.

THERE'S THIS GUY.

I CAN SEE HIM
FROM MY APARTMENT.

THE APARTMENT
ACROSS THE STREET.

EVERY NIGHT, MAN.
ALL NIGHT LONG,

HE JUST LIES ON HIS COUCH
FOR HOURS ON END

AND DOESN'T MOVE.

HIS EYES WIDE OPEN.

NOW IF I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT GUY WAS WATCHING TV,

I'D THINK
THERE WAS SOMETHING

SERIOUSLY WRONG
WITH HIM, MAN.

I'D THINK HE WAS LIKE
PARALYZED

OR HYPNOTIZED OR SOMETHING.

ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN,

HE JUST LIES THERE
ON THE COUCH,

FOR HOURS ON END,

MESSAGES FROM OUTER SPACE
GO INTO HIS BRAIN.

BUY A NEW CAR,
WORK HARDER,

YOUR DOG HAS BAD BREATH.

BUY A MICROWAVE OVEN.

ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN.

ALL NIGHT LONG.

I MEAN, WHAT'S
A MICROWAVE OVEN, MAN?

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT DOES.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT WORKS.

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.

WHY?

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE
A MICROWAVE OVEN, MAN?

TV SET TOLD THEM
TO BUY IT.

THAT'S WHY.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

GOVERNMENT'S BUILDING
A COMPUTER,

BIGGEST COMPUTER
EVER BUILT.

THEY'RE SPENDING BILLIONS
AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

IT'S A SECRET PROJECT,
BUT I READ ABOUT IT.

THEY FINISH
THIS COMPUTER, MAN,

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE DEAD.

BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA TAKE
THIS GIANT COMPUTER,

AND HOOK IT UP TO ALL
THE TV SETS

AT EVERYBODY'S HOUSE.

THEY'RE GONNA REVERSE
THE TV SETS

SO THEY CAN SEE IN
YOUR HOUSE,

DOING YOUR THING.

COMPUTER'S GONNA WATCH
EVERYBODY, MAN.

YOU DO SOMETHING
IN YOUR HOUSE

THE COMPUTER DOESN'T LIKE,

IT'S GONNA SEND A MESSAGE
TO YOUR TV SET,

TV SET'S GONNA SEND
A MESSAGE

TO YOUR MICROWAVE OVEN.

DOORS ARE GONNA POP OPEN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE
ASHES, MAN.

DON'T BELIEVE ME?

GO IN A STORE.
PICK SOMETHING UP.

PICK ANYTHING UP.

EVERYTHING HAS THOSE
LITTLE LINES

ON IT NOW, RIGHT?

THOSE LITTLE
COMPUTER LINES.

WHAT DO THOSE
LITTLE LINES MEAN, MAN?

NOBODY KNOWS.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY SAY.

IT'S NOT ENGLISH,
IT'S COMPUTER.

ALL THESE COMPUTERS
ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIVING
IN AN OCCUPIED COUNTRY, MAN.

ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT LONG,

THE COMPUTERS
TALK TO EACH OTHER.

ON THE MODEMS,
ON THE FAX MACHINES,

ON THE SATELLITE LINK UPS.

ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, MAN,
THEY TALK.

WHAT ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
YOU AND ME.

HOW TO USE US
MORE EFFICIENTLY.

SEE THEY'RE JUST
COMPUTERS, MAN.

THEY'RE JUST MACHINES.

THEY DON'T HAVE
ANY FEELINGS.

THEY'RE LIKE A GIANT
SPARTAN WARRIOR

WITH ALL THIS, LIKE,
ARMOR ON THEM AND STUFF.

AND WE'RE LIKE A LITTLE,
TINY, WHITE, FLUFFY KITTEN

WALKING BY.

THE SPARTAN WARRIOR
PICKS UP THE FLUFFY KITTEN

AND GOES, OH,
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS?

SHOULD I EAT IT?

SHOULD I CRUSH IT?

SHOULD I THROW IT AWAY?

IT DOESN'T CARE, MAN.

IT DOESN'T HAVE
ANY FEELINGS.

MACHINES DON'T HAVE
FEELINGS, MAN.

THE WORST HUMAN BEING
WHO EVER LIVED, MAN,

HAD FEELINGS.

ADOLF HITLER
HAD FEELINGS, MAN.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

HE GOT A LITTLE
BUMMED OUT.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

COMPUTERS NEVER
GET BUMMED OUT, MAN.

NEVER.

YOU KNOW HOW
THEY MAKE BACON?

NO, NO. YOU KNOW HOW
THEY MAKE BACON, MAN?

THEY'VE GOT THESE GIANT
MEAT PACKING PLANTS

OUT IN IDAHO.

RUN BY ROBOTS AND COMPUTERS.

WAY AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE ASSEMBLY LINE,

THEY HAVE A HUMAN BEING
TO HOLD A PIECE OF MEAT

BECAUSE EVERY PIECE OF MEAT
IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

AND THESE 27
RAZOR SHARP BLADES

COME DOWN, AND HOLD THIS,

CHOPS INTO THE MEAT.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET
YOUR SLAB OF BACON.

SO SOME DUDE
COMES INTO WORK.

HE'S NOT THINKING
ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING.

SITS DOWN ON
HIS LITTLE TABLE.

MAYBE GOT TOO STONED
THE NIGHT BEFORE.

HAD A FIGHT WITH
HIS OLD LADY.

WHATEVER.

HE'S JUST SITTING THERE.

DOWN COME THE 27
RAZOR SHARP BLADES.

INSTEAD OF A HAND,

HE'S GOT A HALF POUND
OF SLICED AND SMOKED.

ARMOR STAR.

BUMMER, RIGHT?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

HAPPENS ABOUT ONCE A WEEK.

NOBODY DOES
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

NOBODY CARES, MAN.

MACHINES RUN EVERYTHING
NOW, MAN.

WHO'S TO CARE?

EVERY DAY, THE MACHINES

PUT MORE OIL
IN THE WATER.

THEY PUT MORE POISON
IN THE AIR.

THEY CHOP DOWN
MORE JUNGLES.

WHAT DO THEY CARE, MAN?

THEY DON'T BREATHE AIR.

THEY DON'T DRINK WATER.

WE DO.

STONED, MAN.

I WISH THEY HAD
SOME MUSIC TO LISTEN TO.

I USED TO LOVE TO
LISTEN TO ROCK

WHEN I GOT HIGH, MAN.

ALL THE GREAT OLD BANDS.

THE STONES.
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE.

THE WHO.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW.

HMM?

WHAT, THOSE BANDS
TOURING AROUND?

YOU THINK
THAT'S THE STONES, MAN?

YOU THINK THAT'S THE WHO?

ROBOTS, MAN.

IT'S GOTTA BE
ROBOTS, MAN.

LISTEN TO MUSIC.

LISTEN TO WHAT
THEY SING ABOUT, MAN.

ALL THE GREAT OLD BANDS.

WHAT'D THEY USED TO
SING ABOUT, MAN?

LOVE, PEACE, ANARCHY?

REVOLUTION. GET HIGH.

WHAT DO ALL THE NEW BANDS
SING ABOUT, MAN?

FEAR, PARANOIA.

WORK HARDER.

BUY A MICROWAVE OVEN.

THEY'RE JUST TRYING
TO BRAINWASH US, MAN.

THEY'RE JUST PART
OF THE SYSTEM.

THEY WEREN'T PART
OF THE SYSTEM, MAN.

YOU'D NEVER EVEN
HEAR ABOUT THEM, MAN.

ALL THE BANDS THAT FOUGHT
THE SYSTEM, MAN,

THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

THEY KILLED THEM ALL.

MADE THEM LOOK LIKE
ACCIDENTS.

JANICE AND JIMI.

THEY'RE ALL GONE NOW.

ALL THAT'S LEFT
IS THE SYSTEM, MAN.

THE SYSTEM HAS
ONE MESSAGE, MAN.

FEAR. FEAR, FEAR,
FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS

OF CAGES, MAN.

LIKE IN A GIANT PET SHOP.

WE'RE ALL RUNNING
ON OUR LITTLE WHEELS

GOING AS FAST AS WE CAN

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
SO AFRAID, MAN.

EVERY DAY,
GET UP AT 7AM,

DRINK TWO CUPS OF CAFFEINE.

JUMP IN THE CAR,
GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

GET TO WORK,
GET YELLED AT BY THE BOSS.

DRINK MORE CAFFEINE,
MAKE YOUR DEADLINE.

DRINK MORE CAFFEINE,
GET BACK IN THE CAR.

GET STUCK
IN TRAFFIC AGAIN.

GET HOME, PAY BILLS
YOU CAN'T AFFORD.

EAT YOUR MICROWAVE DINNER,
JUMP INTO BED.

WAIT, I FORGOT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING.

WATCH A LITTLE TV.

GOT TO GET THE MESSAGES
INTO THE HEAD.

GET UP THE NEXT MORNING.
DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

GET UP THE NEXT MORNING,
DO IT OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN,
OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN.

THEY CALL THAT
BEING RESPONSIBLE, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S AFRAID.

AFRAID IF THEY DON'T DO
WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,

BANG! THEY'RE HOMELESS.

THAT'S WHAT THE HOMELESS
PEOPLE ARE, MAN.

THEY'RE THE WARNING
TO EVERYBODY.

STAY IN YOUR CAGE.
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

EVER TALK TO ANY
OF THOSE GUYS

IN THE STREET, MAN?

EVERYBODY SAYS
THEY'RE CRAZY.

YOU LIVE IN THE STREET
FOR A WHILE.

SEE WHAT KIND OF IDEAS
YOU COME UP WITH.

YOU DON'T GO CRAZY, MAN.

YOU START TO SEE
THE TRUTH.

YOU START SEEING
THE TRUTH.

YOU START TELLING
THE TRUTH.

YOU START TALKING ABOUT

THE WAY THINGS
REALLY ARE.

THAT'S WHY WE GOT TO KEEP

THOSE GUYS
OUT IN THE STREET, MAN.

THE SYSTEM'S
AFRAID OF THEM, MAN.

THE SYSTEM'S AFRAID
OF THEIR FREEDOM.

FREEDOM'S THE OPPOSITE
OF RESPONSIBILITY, MAN.

FREEDOM IS POISON
TO THE SYSTEM.

THAT'S WHY NOBODY
SMOKES POT ANYMORE, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S AFRAID.

THEY'RE AFRAID THEY'RE
GONNA SMOKE SOME POT,

GET HIGH, REALIZE WHAT
BULLSHIT THEIR LIFE IS,

AND FREAK OUT.

WHAT'S THE POINT IN EVEN
TALKING ABOUT IT, MAN.

IT'S A HOPELESS SITUATION.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT
THIS SITUATION?

THAT'S WHY I STARTED
MAKING ART, MAN.

YOU WRITE A BOOK,
BEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN.

EVERYBODY READS IT.
MAKES BEST SELLER LIST.

6 MONTHS LATER,
IT'S FORGOTTEN.

IT'S ON A BOOKSHELF
SOMEPLACE COLLECTING DUST.

YOU WRITE A SONG,
A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

MAKES TOP 40.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW

IT'S A JINGLE
IN A BEER COMMERCIAL.

PAINT A PAINTING.
A BEAUTIFUL PAINTING.

YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE
PAINTING ONE PAINTING.

MILLIONAIRE TAKES IT,
HANGS IT ON THE WALL

OF THE CORPORATE
HEADQUARTERS.

THE OLD DAYS, MAN.

RICH PEOPLE HAVE GOT LIKE
LION'S HEADS, TIGER'S HEADS.

HANG THEM ON THE WALL.

MADE THEM FEEL POWERFUL.

MADE THEM FEEL SAFE.

THE SYSTEM COLLECTS
ARTIST'S MINDS, MAN.

IT SLEEPS BETTER AT NIGHT

KNOWING THE BEST
AND THE BRIGHTEST

ARE DEAD FROM THE NECK UP.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T GIVE THEM

THE SATISFACTION, MAN.

I KEEP MY MIND
INSIDE MY HEAD

WHERE THEY CAN'T
GET AT IT.

EVERYTHING BECOMES
PART OF THE SYSTEM.

THE ONLY WAY
TO ESCAPE THE SYSTEM

IS NOT TO DO ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO PAINT A PAINTING.

I WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING.

I DO IT IN MY MIND
WHERE THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

IF THEY EVER KNEW WHAT I
WAS THINKING, MAN.

I'D BE DEAD.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

[DOG BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

♪ I'VE BEEN CAUGHT STEALING

♪ ONCE WHEN I WAS 5

♪ I ENJOY STEALING

♪ IT'S JUST AS SIMPLE
AS THAT ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S JUST A

♪ SIMPLE FACT

♪ WHEN I WANT SOMETHING

♪ AND I DON'T WANT
TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ NOW I WALK RIGHT
THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ AND I WALK RIGHT
THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE

♪ MINE ALL MINE

♪ HEY

♪ YEAH, MY GIRL,
SHE'S ONE TOO ♪

♪ SHE'LL GO
AND GET HER A SKIRT ♪

♪ STICK IT UNDER HER SHIRT

♪ SHE GRABBED A RAZOR
FOR ME ♪

♪ AND SHE DID IT
JUST LIKE THAT ♪

♪ WHEN SHE WANTS SOMETHING

♪ AND SHE DON'T WANT
TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ SHE WALK RIGHT

♪ THROUGH THE DOOR

♪ WALK RIGHT THROUGH
THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE

♪ MINE ALL MINE

♪ LET'S GO

[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA ♪

♪ DAAAAAA

♪ SAT AROUND THE PILE

♪ WE SAT AND LAUGHED

♪ SAT AND LAUGHED
AND WAVED IT INTO THE AIR ♪

♪ AND WE DID IT
JUST LIKE THAT ♪

♪ WHEN WE WANT SOMETHING

♪ AND WE DON'T WANT
TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ WE WALK RIGHT

♪ THROUGH THE DOOR

♪ WALK RIGHT THROUGH
THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE, MINE

♪ MINE, MINE, MINE

♪ MINE, MINE, MINE,
MINE, OH, MINE ♪

♪ IT'S MINE

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--