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1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:02,580
- Hi.
2
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:04,580
So, yeah, that is me,
3
00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:08,060
Amina Hussein, 26, Capricorn,
4
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,620
finishing a Ph.D.
in microbiology.
5
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,700
That is Mum, Dad,
parental unit, standard.
6
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,380
They didn't always come with
me to meet potential spouses.
7
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,480
This guy insisted.
8
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:24,000
So do you have any hobbies,
aside from worship?
9
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,300
- Worship is not a hobby.
10
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,380
- Yes. No, of course. Duh.
11
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,700
[nervous laughter]
12
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,100
- Are you sure
you wouldn't like some tea?
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,980
all: Mm.
14
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,940
- Sure, he had dementor vibes,
15
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:41,900
but his eyes were actually
kind of...dreamy.
16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,140
With the shoulders
of a Mesopotamian warlord.
17
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,500
Our eyes meet
across the sand dunes.
18
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,700
[dramatic music]
19
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,980
- Ahh!
20
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,860
- Do you always dress
like this?
21
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,120
Bright colours and everything?
22
00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,220
- Oh, no, no, she's--
she's usually much more modest.
23
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,740
And her skin
is usually a lot clearer,
24
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,840
but she's, you know,
pre-menstrual.
25
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,380
- Well, she sweats a lot.
26
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,460
I mean, but she's
very fastidious.
27
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:11,740
- Please stop.
28
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:12,940
- Have you been on hajj?
- Not yet.
29
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,040
- Soon.
- Inshallah.
30
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,540
- Amina, why don't you play
everyone a song?
31
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:19,660
- What?
all: What?
32
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,020
- Well, she's playing
33
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,340
at the Syrian
children's fundraiser...
34
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,980
- No.
- At the town hall.
35
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,380
- Please stop.
36
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,660
- Music is haram.
- Totes, innit?
37
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,020
Yeah,
I'm not actually playing.
38
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,180
My kids are playing.
39
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,500
- You have children?
- No!
40
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,860
I teach guitar
41
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,340
to underprivileged youth--
charity.
42
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,700
The kids are playing
at the fundraiser, not me.
43
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:38,980
I--I don't perform.
44
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,820
- No, you don't have to worry.
45
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,940
She hates playing in public.
Huh?
46
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,080
- Her nervy disposition
induces diarrhoea and vomiting.
47
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,640
- What was that song
you used to play?
48
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,700
[singing in Hindi]
49
00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:01,060
[both singing in Hindi]
50
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,380
- Okay, so my husband quest
was going fairly disastrously.
51
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,500
Little did I know, things were
about to change, big time.
52
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,820
One, two, three, four!
53
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,820
[rock music]
54
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:20,920
♪ ♪
55
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,100
- ♪ I'm gonna kill my sister ♪
56
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,300
- ♪ Gonna ♪
57
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,660
- ♪ This ain't about you ♪
58
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,380
♪ It's between her and me ♪
59
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,660
♪ She stole my eyeliner ♪
60
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,820
- ♪ What a bitch ♪
61
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,580
- ♪ And she's been stretching
my jeans out with her ♪
62
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:49,100
both: ♪ Fucking big back ♪
63
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,860
♪ It's an honour killing,
it's an honour killing ♪
64
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,980
♪ It's an honour killing,
it's an honour killing ♪
65
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:59,740
- ♪ I'm gonna kill my sister ♪
66
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,500
- ♪ Die! Die! Die! ♪
67
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,660
- ♪ Want to kill her mister ♪
68
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,420
- ♪ She's mine, motherfucker ♪
69
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,020
- Lady Parts.
That was the band name.
70
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,780
Concocting a confused mix
of hash anthems
71
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,540
and sour girl power.
72
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,340
One part boredom,
two parts identity crisis.
73
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,340
♪ ♪
74
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,740
No. No. No. Stop. Stop.
75
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,340
- Why are we stopping?
- We sound wank.
76
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,780
Profoundly wank.
- Harsh assessment.
77
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,140
- No, you know what?
We sound worse than wank.
78
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,100
- What's worse than wank?
- Haemorrhoids.
79
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,340
- You know what,
I think we sound great.
80
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,660
- Boris Johnson?
- No.
81
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,700
We sound shit.
On a cosmic level.
82
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,180
- Athlete's foot. Puberty.
Camel toe.
83
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,820
The Plague.
Black lung. Vegan cheese.
84
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,540
- Shut up, Taz.
- We can't audition
85
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,220
for Sound Smash
sounding like this.
86
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,060
- You said that last year.
87
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,660
- Maybe the universe is ready
for our vibes, man.
88
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,140
- No. No.
- Why do you have to be
89
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,260
such an epic bonerkill
all the time?
90
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,700
- We are not ready.
91
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,780
Can't you hear
our sound is thin?
92
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,740
We need something more.
93
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,100
We need a lead guitarist.
94
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,660
[drumsticks clatter]
- Saira.
95
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,700
I beg you, man,
don't start this again.
96
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,660
- Start what again?
97
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,940
- Sisters, huh?
98
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,500
With mutual love
and admiration,
99
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,900
we lift each other up, yeah?
100
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,460
- Feminism, innit? Hmm?
101
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,500
- Dickless. Le Tigre.
102
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,820
Babes in Toyland.
Great three-piece bands.
103
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,060
Blink-182.
104
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:18,820
- Blink? Blink?
- Yeah, Blink?
105
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:21,540
- Seriously, Blink?
- Okay fine, not Blink.
106
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:22,640
- You know, I think
getting a lead guitarist
107
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:23,700
could be a good shot.
108
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,100
Historically, four-piece bands
109
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,220
do have a higher success rate.
110
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:27,700
Like Metallica, Rolling Stones,
111
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,220
Beatles.
112
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,900
- We're in a punk band.
113
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,580
We don't need a wanky,
self-indulgent guitar soloist
114
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,260
just jizzing
all over our songs.
115
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,900
- Eh. Ugh.
116
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,340
- We're getting a lead
guitarist; it's decided.
117
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,780
♪ ♪
118
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,380
- Who would have thought
that our orbits
119
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,380
were soon to collide,
120
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,100
like a freight train careening
121
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,380
towards a cute,
unsuspecting lamb
122
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,420
who innocently trotted
onto the tracks in search of,
123
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,520
I don't know, snacks?
124
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,620
I'm the lamb, by the way.
125
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,620
[rock music]
126
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,420
♪ ♪
127
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,980
What you have to understand
128
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,860
is I never met girls
like this before.
129
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,660
Saira, lead vocals and guitar.
130
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,980
♪ ♪
131
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,900
She works at a butcher's
as her day job.
132
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,380
She likes her job.
133
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,820
Apparently, sawing carcasses
134
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,900
gets the creative juices
flowing.
135
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,660
The band is her life.
136
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,620
Her raison d'être.
137
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,140
[blade swishes]
138
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,240
[thudding]
139
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,020
- Just morning shift
this Saturday, huh?
140
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,060
Come on.
- Mo, I told you I can't.
141
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,380
Band practice.
Get Mustafa do it.
142
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,540
- Mustafa no good. Terrible.
143
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,780
- He's your son.
144
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,820
- Why you still trying
to be famous pop star, huh?
145
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,700
Like Michael Jackson,
Mick Jagger?
146
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,540
- Famous pop star?
We don't seek fame.
147
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,500
We simply seek to speak
our truth before we're mangled
148
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,100
by other people's
bullshit ideas of us.
149
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,940
Our music is about
representation.
150
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,820
It's about being heard.
151
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,920
- Well, you should wash your
hair if you want to be heard.
152
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,340
♪ ♪
153
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,220
No.
You can't have audition here.
154
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,020
- Please, Mo. Come on.
- No. No. No.
155
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,620
This is not a nightclub.
156
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,060
This is not a den of sin, okay?
157
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,800
Forget it. Forget it!
158
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,760
- I'll work Saturday.
159
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,900
- Okay. Deal.
160
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,460
♪ ♪
161
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,220
- Ayesha, drummer.
162
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,500
She likes to vent
her displeasure with humanity
163
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,020
on her drum kit.
164
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,300
She drives an Uber for money.
165
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:38,780
Her whip is a VW Golf
named Hans.
166
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,020
[all speaking at once]
167
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,700
- She wasn't even fit.
- She was fit, mate.
168
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,420
You see the tits on her?
And her backend.
169
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:45,860
- You can't fucking say that
with one of them.
170
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,020
Do you know what I mean?
- Hey. Hey.
171
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,060
You know, you don't see
a lot of girl Uber drivers,
172
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,540
do you?
[laughter]
173
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,540
Especially none like you,
anyway.
174
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,740
- Yeah. Is your dad
making you work or something?
175
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:56,940
[laughter]
176
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,260
- Yeah, he said
if I don't drive
177
00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,860
simple, dickless pissheads
around,
178
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,460
he's gonna send me to Iraq
to marry my cousin.
179
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,700
- Oh, no, that's awful.
180
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,980
- Is that meant to funny?
181
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,660
- Are you starting?
Is she starting?
182
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,140
I'm gonna give you
a shit rating, mate.
183
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,980
One star.
- Give a fuck.
184
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,420
- Just put on some
fucking music, would you?
185
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,500
- We're your customers.
186
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,580
We do have to be treated with
187
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,380
a bit of dignity and respect.
188
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,860
[heavy metal music blaring]
189
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,380
♪ ♪
190
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,780
- Momtaz is the band manager.
191
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,860
Some say she did time inside
for arson.
192
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,580
Others said she divorced
some sheikh.
193
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,380
No one really knows.
194
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,780
Day job: a purveyor
of cheap ladies' undergarments
195
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,220
sold at a significant markup.
196
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:38,500
- Excuse me.
197
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,180
[light music playing]
198
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,180
What do you have in 36-D?
199
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,460
- Depends.
200
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,660
What sort of bra
are you looking for?
201
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,020
We got recreational,
202
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,060
tittilational, factual,
respectful,
203
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,200
shag me kindly, shag me hard.
204
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,240
Sports?
205
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,500
- Shag me kindly?
206
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,840
- Excellent choice.
207
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,820
[funky music]
208
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,700
- Here's Bisma, bassist.
209
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,820
Earth mother, actual mother.
210
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,540
A cartoonist by trade.
211
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,340
Her artwork:
a celebration of femininity.
212
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:18,180
- It's called "The Killing
Period [Apocalypse Vag]."
213
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,300
All biro and Sharpie on paper.
214
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,780
It's set in an alternate
dystopian present,
215
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:23,980
about a group of young women
216
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,140
who all become
homicidal maniacs
217
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,380
when they're on their period.
218
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,660
Think "Handmaid's Tale"
meets "Rugrats," mm?
219
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:32,940
Two pounds for a single issue,
220
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,260
ten pounds
for the first volume.
221
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,820
- This is actually disgusting.
222
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,900
- Eww, man.
223
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,940
- Sisters, don't hate
your bodies.
224
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,040
Your blood is your friend.
225
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,120
Your blood is your friend!
226
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,020
Sorry.
227
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,500
- Yeah.
So this is Lady Parts.
228
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,500
all: ♪ When I wake up ♪
229
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,980
- You get the picture.
230
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,420
all: ♪ Well, I know
I'm gonna be ♪
231
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,580
♪ I'm gonna be the man ♪
232
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,820
♪ Who wakes up next to you ♪
233
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,260
♪ When I go out,
yeah I know I'm gonna be ♪
234
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,220
♪ I'm gonna be the man
who goes along with you ♪
235
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:14,140
♪ And I would walk 500 miles,
and I would walk 500 more ♪
236
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,660
♪ Just to be the man
who walks 1,000 miles ♪
237
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,380
♪ To fall down at your door ♪
238
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,700
♪ Da-da da da, da-da da da,
da-da da da, da-da da da ♪
239
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,440
♪ Da-da dum diddy dum
diddy dum diddy da da-- ♪
240
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:32,340
- "Band seeks lead guitarist
to elevate sound."
241
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,820
An unstoppable force
242
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,140
soon to meet
an unlovable object...
243
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,540
[camera shutter clicks]
Me.
244
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,300
Yeah. Yeah. Me.
245
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,700
- Perfect.
- [sighs]
246
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,860
- Okay, so the last guy
wasn't the one.
247
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,220
There's plenty more fish
in the sea.
248
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,220
Keep looking.
249
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:49,940
- Noor, my best friend.
250
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,740
She was helping me
reel in a prized catch.
251
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,580
Ooh. Nasir.
252
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:58,260
Looking for devoted
wife/mother.
253
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,100
Eww. Freaky.
254
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,900
So he wants someone to be his
wife and mum at the same time.
255
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,780
Is that, like, a fetish thing?
256
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,260
- No, you numpty.
257
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:07,980
He wants a woman who will
be a devoted wife to him
258
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,420
and mother to his children.
259
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,660
- A lot of p-nouns missing.
Tricky.
260
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,760
- Here, let me see
your profile.
261
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,260
Wow.
262
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,780
Why are you mentioning
you teach guitar?
263
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,900
- It's my charity work.
264
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,260
I thought it'd look good
if I say
265
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,740
I teach underprivileged kids
guitar.
266
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,020
- No. It doesn't.
267
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,460
It was good
for getting into university,
268
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,420
but not for getting a husband.
269
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,060
You can have your little
music obsession in private,
270
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,820
but on here,
keep it halal, yeah?
271
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,820
- [laughs]
272
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,220
Come on.
It's not an obsession.
273
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:38,580
"Obsession."
274
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,940
[soft music]
275
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,540
- Do you think
any self-respecting,
276
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,500
God-fearing, Muslim man
would want to marry you
277
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,500
if he knew you had this
old white man on your wall?
278
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,900
- That is not a white man.
279
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,060
That is Don McLean.
280
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,760
- Really, Amina? Really?
281
00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,580
Okay, I'm sorry.
282
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,300
It's just...
[sighs]
283
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,980
I really want this
to happen for you,
284
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,080
'cause, like...
285
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:06,760
You know you've
been my best friend
286
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,380
since we were bubs, right?
287
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,460
And I wanted to tell you this
before anyone.
288
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,560
- What?
289
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,780
- I'm engaged.
290
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,180
[laughs]
291
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,380
Imran proposed.
292
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,380
- Oh my God! That's amazing!
[both laughing]
293
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,180
[downbeat music]
294
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,780
So there you have it.
295
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,060
All my friends
were either married, engaged,
296
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,420
or in the final throes
of courtship.
297
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:39,460
And I a withering shell
of a woman.
298
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,020
I had to find a husband.
299
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,100
By Jove, I had to.
300
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,740
[horn honking]
301
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,740
[electric guitar solo]
302
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:56,140
♪ ♪
303
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,820
- Is that his real bulge,
or do we think he stuffs?
304
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,740
- You're not seriously
considering him.
305
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,820
♪ ♪
306
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,940
- So when's band practice?
307
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,980
Always wanted to have
an all-girl backing band.
308
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,060
- Backing band?
- Excuse me?
309
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,500
- Die, bitch.
- What?
310
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,500
- Yeah, thanks for your time.
311
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,300
We'll--we'll be in touch.
312
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,140
[bell jingles]
313
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:20,860
- So the only person
who showed up for auditions
314
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,620
was a massive tit.
315
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:23,820
Excellent.
316
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,920
- Ah!
317
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,840
[breathing heavily]
318
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,310
Ah!
[clattering]
319
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,320
[can clanking]
320
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,240
- [sighs]
321
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,520
Unloved. Unwanted.
322
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,620
Rejected by all as far
as the app could reach.
323
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,780
All I had was this aching
heart, three chords,
324
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,540
and the truth.
325
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,540
[soft twangy music]
326
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,740
♪ ♪
327
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:06,740
[soft upbeat music]
328
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:12,980
♪ I am a girl
of constant sorrow ♪
329
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:18,900
♪ I've seen trouble
all my days ♪
330
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,420
♪ ♪
331
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:27,420
♪ I am alone,
only know Whitechapel ♪
332
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:32,460
♪ The place
where I was born and raised ♪
333
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:38,580
both: ♪ The place where
she was born and raised ♪
334
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:45,580
- ♪ For 26 years,
I've been single ♪
335
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:51,780
♪ No husband here on Earth
I've found ♪
336
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:58,780
♪ Lord, in this world,
I'm bound to ramble ♪
337
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:04,020
♪ I have no man
to love me now ♪
338
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,940
both: ♪ She has no man ♪
339
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:11,680
♪ To love her now ♪
340
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,660
- [gasps]
341
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,340
Hmm.
342
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,580
Ma, ow.
- Well--[huffs]
343
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:19,980
And you think it's my fault
344
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:21,700
things didn't work out
with your date?
345
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:22,860
Look at your facial hair.
346
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:23,980
You've got handlebars.
347
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,860
- I used to have handlebars.
348
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,820
'70s chic.
- [sighs]
349
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,060
I don't see why you're
in such a rush.
350
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,100
Your father was a fucking
nitwit beef goof
351
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,460
when I married him; no offence.
352
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,380
- None taken.
- Just leave it, Ma.
353
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,180
- You should go into railing.
354
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:38,980
- You know how I feel
about rail transport.
355
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,100
- I threw away my youth on
a good-for-nothing man-child.
356
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,660
No offence.
- None taken.
357
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,780
- Is that what you want?
- No, Ma, I want
358
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,620
a loving, meaningful connection
359
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,540
with a witty,
kind-hearted man,
360
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,740
with whom I can build a life.
361
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,100
Is that okay with you?
[groans]
362
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,900
- [speaks indistinctly]
Let her build a life.
363
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,660
- Where are you going?
- Out.
364
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,620
- Get some vegetable oil.
365
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,140
Boo-boo, you want something?
366
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,140
- Fanta.
- [groans]
367
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,240
[door slams]
368
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,660
Perhaps a life of solitude
awaited me.
369
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,260
I'd die alone.
370
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,940
My cats would feast
on my eyeballs.
371
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,700
Oh, shit.
372
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,460
[sweeping classical music]
373
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,500
Ahsan Alcoff.
374
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,060
He goes to my uni.
375
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,300
Why was he looking towards me?
376
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,060
What a specimen.
377
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,740
Lustrous facial hair,
indicating royalty,
378
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,860
while maintaining
boy-next-door adorableness,
379
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,060
with eyebrows
you could hang onto.
380
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,140
Was it fate
bringing us together?
381
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,980
Destiny? Kismet?
382
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:41,080
There was no denying
this was a sign.
383
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,320
Where'd he go?
384
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,940
[rock music]
385
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:54,540
♪ ♪
386
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,640
[bell jingles]
387
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,040
Hi.
388
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,700
Um, I'm looking
for a boy--a man.
389
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,020
He gave me this.
390
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,180
Medium-built, radiant,
391
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,740
sad eyes you can swim in.
392
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,420
Could you kindly direct me
to his whereabouts?
393
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:14,940
- You got your brother
to hand out the flyers?
394
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,380
- Thought he might reel in
395
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:17,780
a thirsty bitch
with a shred of talent.
396
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,220
- [giggles]
397
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,620
- Wait, so you here
to audition or what?
398
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,620
- No. No.
399
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:24,980
- You.
400
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,380
[dramatic music]
401
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,420
You went to St. Abigail's
Primary School.
402
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,860
You played guitar
in the talent show.
403
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:31,860
- What?
- You were good.
404
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:32,860
- No.
- Yeah.
405
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,100
- Mm-mm.
- Yeah.
406
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,460
- No.
- You were really good.
407
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:36,780
Until you puked
all over the years sixes
408
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:37,780
in the front row.
409
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,460
[crowd shouting]
410
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,780
- [retches]
411
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,780
Not my finest hour.
412
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,100
I remember you.
413
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,580
You're Saira.
414
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,500
You got expelled
for selling school furniture.
415
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:48,820
- Verily, it is I.
416
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:49,940
- Oh, so hang on,
you are a guitarist.
417
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,020
- She's a guitarist.
418
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,220
- Fuck off, she's a guitarist.
419
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,740
- Play something.
- Play something.
420
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,500
- Play something.
- [stammering]
421
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,340
I don't play.
I just teach.
422
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,220
- You've got to play to teach.
423
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,260
- I don't perform.
424
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,080
My nervy disposition induced
diarrhoea and vomiting.
425
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,840
- Eww.
- Mm-hmm.
426
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,180
I just teach, okay?
427
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,180
I just teach!
428
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,940
[whimpering]
I just teach!
429
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:15,830
[door slams, bell jingles]
430
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,120
An unsettling encounter, no doubt.
431
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,120
♪ ♪
432
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:22,120
But my attention was needed elsewhere.
433
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,940
The local mosques, schools,
and community centre
434
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,580
had come together
to raise funds
435
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,340
for the Syrian infants.
436
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,060
Everyone in the community
was sure to be there.
437
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,660
And I was doing my bit.
438
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,540
My students
were going to perform.
439
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,220
Okay, team.
Well done for getting this far.
440
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,100
When you get out there,
just remember, stay in time.
441
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,420
Breathe, nice and slow. Yeah?
442
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,780
You've trained for this moment.
443
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,880
Enjoy it. Yay.
444
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,620
Yay!
445
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,580
- You need to chill, miss.
We've got this.
446
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,580
- I certainly hope so, Donnie.
447
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,260
Today, my students
were my number one priority.
448
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,860
Ahsan? Again?
449
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,120
I'll be right back.
Take five, team.
450
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,060
Was the universe
trying to tell me something?
451
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,240
Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.
452
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,580
- Can I help you?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
453
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,740
Just admiring your bath bombs.
454
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:21,980
Ooh. [chuckles]
455
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,540
What a gent.
456
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,980
They don't make them
like him anymore.
457
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,820
- I hope it not too bold,
458
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,180
but I wanted to inquire...
- Yes?
459
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,980
- Are you spoken for?
- Spoken for?
460
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,460
No, I don't believe I am.
461
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,180
- See, you're the most
exquisite creature
462
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,580
I think I've ever laid eyes on.
463
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:38,980
- Sir, you mustn't
speak this way.
464
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,100
- Please, don't go.
465
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,380
When can I see you again?
I must see you.
466
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,860
♪ ♪
467
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,460
- Oh, I couldn't possibly.
468
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,300
- Miss Hussein.
Miss Hussein.
469
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,420
It's Donnie. Come quick.
470
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,420
[rock music]
471
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,940
♪ ♪
472
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,980
- I didn't expect them
to track me down.
473
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,580
They must have done
some serious sleuthing.
474
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,500
- According to a tweet,
she's here.
475
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,740
- There's no way
she's right for our band.
476
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:06,860
This is dumb.
477
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,180
- Shh. We've got to find her.
478
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,260
Let's split up.
I'll take the backstage.
479
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:16,140
- No. We have to say hi first.
Come on.
480
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,860
- Fine.
481
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,660
- Start looking.
482
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,940
- Bro, it has been how long?
- Six months.
483
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,020
- Six months
of seeing each other.
484
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,140
Now you got to give Saira
an ultimatum, bruv, yeah?
485
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,820
Look, tell her, "Be my girl.
486
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,020
Or, you know, bounce."
- Bye-bye.
487
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,420
- She's gonna tell me
to fudge off.
488
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:34,500
- Well, then she's
not right for you,
489
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,900
is she, Uncle Abdullah?
490
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,540
- Tiny child with the wisdom.
Up top.
491
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:38,900
Cool, here she comes.
492
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,380
Here, look, tell her,
your terms, yeah?
493
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,820
No more of this--
494
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,660
- Casual dating. No.
- Casual dating BS.
495
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,060
You want labels. Labels.
496
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,140
- Yeah. Hi.
- Ma, stop.
497
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,460
- My progeny.
498
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,020
How's my vegan
marble cake selling?
499
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,440
- Badly. It tastes like feet.
- Oh.
500
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,400
- Hey, knob face.
You look buff.
501
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,260
- You all right, dickhead?
You good?
502
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,660
- Yeah, I'm good, Abdullah.
Are you?
503
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,420
- Yeah. Yeah. I'm good.
I'm good. You?
504
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,340
I mean, yeah. Yeah.
505
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,940
- Why are you weird?
- I'm not weird.
506
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,260
I'm not weird.
507
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,360
[chuckles]
508
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,500
- Cool. Catch you later.
- Yeah.
509
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,600
Come on, Bisma.
We got to find her.
510
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,260
- Nice.
511
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,100
- There he is, little broski,
512
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,260
all grown up, selling soap.
513
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,940
We knew you'd come far,
but this, mashallah.
514
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,340
- Funny.
- Fig and celeriac balm.
515
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,340
Super food and rhubarb
face scrub.
516
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,220
Are you for real?
- Come on, man.
517
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,100
- Celeriac? Is that a fruit?
518
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,580
- Nah, it's ambiguous.
Muslims don't need
519
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,620
this kind of uncertainty
in these dark times, man.
520
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,300
Where's your sandalwood?
Your oud? Oud?
521
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,820
- I don't know.
It's Salman's stuff.
522
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,540
I'm just helping out.
Why are you here?
523
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,700
- Donnie, just breathe.
524
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,300
- I'm sorry, Miss Hussein.
I can't.
525
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:01,820
I can't. I can't do it.
526
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,100
- Donnie, we can't do this
without you.
527
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,400
You're our soloist.
- I'm sorry.
528
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,900
- Well, if he's not doing it,
I'm not.
529
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,260
- If you're not going
out there, I'm not.
530
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,220
- Cynthia, you're gonna have
to take the solo.
531
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,100
- The solo?
532
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,860
Miss, you know I can't.
533
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,020
- Can't you just play with us,
Miss Hussein?
534
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,460
- No. No. I don't play.
535
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,020
I just teach. I teach.
536
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,820
- What about the Syrian
children?
537
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,920
Don't you care?
538
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,100
- Please welcome
Smiling Hearts
539
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,860
After-School Guitar Class.
540
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,040
- And so the moment
had arrived.
541
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,860
- The fuck is Smiling Hearts?
542
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,860
- The onus fell on me,
the teacher,
543
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,780
to lead the troops to victory.
544
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,880
From the sidelines.
545
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,980
[all sparsely playing guitar]
546
00:21:54,080 --> 00:22:01,080
♪ ♪
547
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,340
[intricately playing guitar]
548
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:15,440
♪ ♪
549
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,260
- What is happening?
550
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:29,620
♪ ♪
551
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,340
- Where is she?
552
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,380
♪ ♪
553
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,460
Wait.
554
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:41,560
♪ ♪
555
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,740
- No. No. Not again.
556
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,860
[crowd shouting]
557
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,780
It was coming.
I could feel it coming.
558
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,060
[uneasy music]
559
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,060
[retching]
560
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,700
[crowd exclaiming]
561
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,220
Yep, that's me, Amina Hussein,
562
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,260
emptying my guts
into a collection bucket.
563
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,340
Scorched by the sizzling glare
of public scrutiny,
564
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,780
I vowed to myself
there and then
565
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,980
I would never perform again.
566
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,420
But Lady Parts
had other plans.
567
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,220
- It's her.
568
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,260
She's our guitarist.
569
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,100
- You sure?
570
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,670
- She's the one.
571
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,580
[Blink-182's
"All The Small Things"]
572
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,740
♪ ♪
573
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,820
- ♪ All the small things ♪
574
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,100
♪ True care, truth brings ♪
575
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:41,340
♪ I'll take one lift ♪
576
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,500
♪ Your ride, best trip ♪
577
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,580
♪ Always I know ♪
578
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,900
♪ You'll be at my show ♪
579
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,060
♪ Watching, waiting ♪
580
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,060
♪ Commiserating ♪
581
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,160
♪ Say it ain't so... ♪
39988
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