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1
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,611
(shuts off engine)
2
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:16,869
Welcome back, sir.
3
00:00:17,937 --> 00:00:20,172
(indistinct chatter)
4
00:00:25,077 --> 00:00:26,345
Oh, Artemis,
5
00:00:26,412 --> 00:00:28,347
you wouldn't believe
what my customers
6
00:00:28,414 --> 00:00:29,782
unloaded on me tonight.
7
00:00:29,849 --> 00:00:32,285
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,
8
00:00:32,351 --> 00:00:34,787
crappy sports teams.
(groans)
9
00:00:34,854 --> 00:00:36,522
My ears are killin' me.
10
00:00:36,589 --> 00:00:38,758
That's why the Confidential
is here,
11
00:00:38,824 --> 00:00:40,126
to share your burden.
12
00:00:40,192 --> 00:00:41,594
Just give me the usual, huh?
13
00:00:41,661 --> 00:00:44,830
(chuckles)
As if we served anything else.
14
00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:49,635
(sipping)
15
00:00:49,702 --> 00:00:50,770
(sighing)
16
00:00:50,836 --> 00:00:51,837
To the Confidential,
17
00:00:51,904 --> 00:00:55,308
the one bar where they listen
to the listeners.
18
00:00:57,543 --> 00:01:00,046
Come on. We got to get a seat
in the front row.
19
00:01:00,112 --> 00:01:03,449
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.
20
00:01:04,216 --> 00:01:05,918
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way
21
00:01:05,985 --> 00:01:08,988
we can seat this audience until
we round up all the escaped,
22
00:01:09,055 --> 00:01:11,090
uh, youknowwhats.
23
00:01:11,891 --> 00:01:14,393
(hissing) (yelling)
24
00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:16,729
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.
25
00:01:16,796 --> 00:01:20,766
I'm going down to the deli
to drown my sorrows in tongue.
26
00:01:22,068 --> 00:01:23,402
(Milhouse groans)
27
00:01:24,203 --> 00:01:26,772
What about this upsidedown
exclamation mark show?
28
00:01:26,839 --> 00:01:29,542
Upside down is funny.
29
00:01:30,843 --> 00:01:33,322
- (playing "Flight
of the Bumblebee") - Desde Downtown Springfield,
30
00:01:33,346 --> 00:01:36,282
es ¡Noches con Abejorrito!
31
00:01:36,349 --> 00:01:38,884
¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!
32
00:01:38,951 --> 00:01:41,554
(cheering)
33
00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:45,124
¡No se duerman,
o les voy a picar!
34
00:01:45,191 --> 00:01:46,592
(laughing)
35
00:01:46,659 --> 00:01:49,028
Milhouse, you know Spanish.
What did he say?
36
00:01:49,095 --> 00:01:51,197
Oh, it's a cultural thing.
37
00:01:51,263 --> 00:01:54,500
You wouldn't get it. Estúpido.
38
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:58,137
...y luego, había un escorpión
en mis pantalones.
39
00:01:58,204 --> 00:02:00,740
(laughs)
Pantalones.
40
00:02:00,806 --> 00:02:02,942
(siren wailing)
41
00:02:03,009 --> 00:02:05,011
¡Una visita de mi primito!
42
00:02:05,077 --> 00:02:08,381
Eso significa
que es tiempo de jugar...
43
00:02:08,447 --> 00:02:11,984
¡No... Te... 'splotes!
44
00:02:12,051 --> 00:02:14,253
Presentado por la Monja Humilde,
45
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,288
la horchata más divina.
46
00:02:16,355 --> 00:02:19,659
Hermanas,
traigame unos concursantes.
47
00:02:22,528 --> 00:02:24,330
¡Ay, caramba!
48
00:02:26,132 --> 00:02:29,001
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,
49
00:02:29,068 --> 00:02:31,604
and if you don't laugh,
you win a prize!
50
00:02:34,206 --> 00:02:37,276
¡O, Bebito Abuelito!
51
00:02:37,343 --> 00:02:38,944
(cheering, laughing)
52
00:02:39,745 --> 00:02:44,283
¿Cuáles son las vacas
más perezosas?
53
00:02:44,350 --> 00:02:47,019
¡Las vacaciones!
54
00:02:47,086 --> 00:02:48,120
(spitting)
55
00:02:48,187 --> 00:02:49,955
(laughing)
56
00:02:50,022 --> 00:02:52,625
¡Nuestro ganador!
57
00:02:52,692 --> 00:02:53,893
(cheering)
58
00:02:56,162 --> 00:02:57,763
Pick your prize!
59
00:02:58,998 --> 00:03:01,434
(audience booing)
60
00:03:02,301 --> 00:03:05,104
♪ ♪
61
00:03:08,574 --> 00:03:12,978
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.
62
00:03:13,045 --> 00:03:15,781
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!
63
00:03:15,848 --> 00:03:17,550
(spits)
64
00:03:17,616 --> 00:03:18,818
Oh, my God.
65
00:03:18,884 --> 00:03:20,853
That is not
just any crystal skull.
66
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,321
It's Calavera Gritando!
67
00:03:22,388 --> 00:03:24,256
That tequila's so authentic
68
00:03:24,323 --> 00:03:25,991
that it inspired George Clooney
69
00:03:26,058 --> 00:03:28,961
to make his own
semiauthentic tequila.
70
00:03:29,028 --> 00:03:30,863
Wait, my skull is full of booze?
71
00:03:30,930 --> 00:03:32,998
That's why it has a screw cap.
72
00:03:33,065 --> 00:03:34,376
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.
73
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,435
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough
74
00:03:36,502 --> 00:03:39,004
to come in a bottle
that doesn't look like a bottle.
75
00:03:39,071 --> 00:03:41,140
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.
76
00:03:41,207 --> 00:03:42,274
For high school.
77
00:03:42,341 --> 00:03:43,375
Come on. Gimme that!
78
00:03:43,442 --> 00:03:45,277
Bart won that skull
full of tequila.
79
00:03:45,344 --> 00:03:47,780
He can do
whatever he wants with it,
80
00:03:47,847 --> 00:03:49,415
except drink the tequila.
81
00:03:49,482 --> 00:03:51,617
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.
82
00:03:51,684 --> 00:03:53,986
(cackling)
83
00:03:54,053 --> 00:03:54,987
(yelps)
84
00:03:55,054 --> 00:03:57,890
(audience cheering on TV)
85
00:03:57,957 --> 00:04:00,192
(Homer grunting)
86
00:04:03,028 --> 00:04:04,830
Huh? (moans)
87
00:04:04,897 --> 00:04:07,700
ANNOUNCER:Coming up now, we got a special dedication
88
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,202
to Homer S. from his son Bart.
89
00:04:10,269 --> 00:04:12,605
("Tequila" playing)
90
00:04:12,671 --> 00:04:15,107
I like how there are no lyrics
to upset me.
91
00:04:15,174 --> 00:04:17,376
(singing along)
92
00:04:20,513 --> 00:04:21,680
♪ Tequila. ♪
93
00:04:21,747 --> 00:04:23,582
D'oh!
94
00:04:23,649 --> 00:04:25,117
(tires screech)
95
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:28,387
Isn't that your dad?
96
00:04:28,454 --> 00:04:30,189
No.
97
00:04:34,059 --> 00:04:36,262
(speaking Spanish)
98
00:04:37,396 --> 00:04:38,130
(snickers)
99
00:04:38,197 --> 00:04:39,331
I may not speak Spanish,
100
00:04:39,398 --> 00:04:43,135
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.
101
00:04:57,216 --> 00:04:59,618
(cackling quietly)
102
00:05:00,586 --> 00:05:01,353
Gentlemen,
103
00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:04,990
I give you Calavera Gritando!
104
00:05:05,057 --> 00:05:06,826
(all gasping)
105
00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:08,494
Whoa, a crystal skull.
106
00:05:08,561 --> 00:05:11,096
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie
107
00:05:11,163 --> 00:05:13,766
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.
108
00:05:13,833 --> 00:05:15,734
Okay, this booze is so classy,
109
00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:17,136
I'm finally breaking out
110
00:05:17,203 --> 00:05:19,972
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.
111
00:05:20,039 --> 00:05:20,973
(blows)
112
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,708
Look at these guys.
113
00:05:22,775 --> 00:05:24,510
Now, those were hostages.
114
00:05:27,413 --> 00:05:30,850
Hey, Moe, why don't you pour
yourself one for a change?
115
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,118
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.
116
00:05:33,185 --> 00:05:36,055
The pouring
is enough of a thrill.
117
00:05:36,121 --> 00:05:38,691
Come on. You're
always on that side of the bar.
118
00:05:38,757 --> 00:05:41,227
At least come over here
and take a load off.
119
00:05:41,293 --> 00:05:44,330
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.
120
00:05:45,097 --> 00:05:46,165
(shudders)
121
00:05:46,232 --> 00:05:47,733
So this is sittin'.
122
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,735
You know, Moe, all these years,
123
00:05:49,802 --> 00:05:51,036
we've never seen you drink.
124
00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:52,404
Well, you know, a bartender
125
00:05:52,471 --> 00:05:54,111
ain't supposed to drink
with his regulars.
126
00:05:54,173 --> 00:05:55,441
It's frowned upon.
127
00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:56,342
By whom?
128
00:05:56,408 --> 00:05:58,077
Not some secret society
129
00:05:58,143 --> 00:06:00,045
that I go to every night
after closing time,
130
00:06:00,112 --> 00:06:01,480
if that's what you're thinking.
131
00:06:01,547 --> 00:06:04,083
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.
132
00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:05,217
That's all.
133
00:06:05,284 --> 00:06:07,853
Moe, you're not just
our bartender.
134
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,122
You're our friend.
135
00:06:10,189 --> 00:06:12,091
Friend? You mean that?
136
00:06:12,157 --> 00:06:15,527
Well, maybe it's just
my relaxed butt cheeks talking,
137
00:06:15,594 --> 00:06:17,229
but, uh, down the hatch!
138
00:06:17,296 --> 00:06:19,198
Woof.
(chuckles)
139
00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:21,834
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth
140
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:23,669
since my dad's gun.
141
00:06:23,736 --> 00:06:24,870
(laughs)
142
00:06:24,937 --> 00:06:26,605
- (laughing)
- Yeah. Go, Moe.
143
00:06:26,672 --> 00:06:27,973
- Go, Moe.
- Now you got it.
144
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,842
(cackling)
145
00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:41,854
I think you're pretty cool, too,
skull.
146
00:06:41,921 --> 00:06:44,156
♪ ♪
147
00:06:48,961 --> 00:06:50,262
(groans)
Oh, my head.
148
00:06:50,329 --> 00:06:52,498
Oh, what a hangover.
149
00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:55,367
(grunting)
150
00:06:55,434 --> 00:06:57,770
Ah, that's actually
a little better.
151
00:06:59,038 --> 00:07:00,372
Hmm.
152
00:07:00,439 --> 00:07:01,507
Oh, no.
153
00:07:01,573 --> 00:07:05,044
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.
154
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:07,379
("Tequila" playing)
155
00:07:07,446 --> 00:07:09,581
(shouting)
156
00:07:12,184 --> 00:07:14,453
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Yay!
157
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,522
♪ ♪
158
00:07:20,693 --> 00:07:23,462
Let's go show the world
how much fun it is
159
00:07:23,529 --> 00:07:26,532
when drunk guys do stuff
in public!
160
00:07:26,598 --> 00:07:28,267
Bababoo!
161
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:31,203
♪ ♪
162
00:07:35,741 --> 00:07:37,776
♪ ♪
163
00:07:39,745 --> 00:07:42,014
(groaning, barking)
164
00:07:42,081 --> 00:07:43,549
(snorting)
165
00:07:43,615 --> 00:07:46,618
(barking, snorting)
166
00:07:48,687 --> 00:07:50,622
Excuse me, could you move?
167
00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:52,925
My husband and I would like
to sit on this bench
168
00:07:52,992 --> 00:07:56,395
and comment on how the elephant
seals are "living the life."
169
00:07:56,462 --> 00:07:59,098
It's the only joke
in our entire marriage.
170
00:07:59,164 --> 00:07:59,798
Oh, that's not what I hear.
171
00:07:59,865 --> 00:08:03,335
The real joke is that you two
172
00:08:03,402 --> 00:08:05,904
haven't pushed
the ole twin beds together
173
00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:07,773
since before the election.
174
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,375
Of Obama.
175
00:08:09,441 --> 00:08:10,576
To the Senate!
176
00:08:10,642 --> 00:08:12,111
(laughing)
177
00:08:12,177 --> 00:08:14,380
How'd you know
about their sexless marriage?
178
00:08:14,446 --> 00:08:17,750
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,
179
00:08:17,816 --> 00:08:19,051
who then told me.
180
00:08:19,118 --> 00:08:21,153
Hey, wait,
you bartenders tell each other
181
00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:24,056
the stuff we say
in drunken confidence?
182
00:08:24,123 --> 00:08:25,657
Oh, we sure do.
183
00:08:25,724 --> 00:08:27,159
Look what else I know.
184
00:08:27,226 --> 00:08:31,196
You file your taxes
as one person.
185
00:08:31,263 --> 00:08:34,900
You sell all your pets
each time you go on vacation.
186
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:36,602
Hey, you're twotiming us
187
00:08:36,668 --> 00:08:39,271
by also being the mayor
of another town.
188
00:08:39,338 --> 00:08:42,341
I swear,
Greenview means nothing to me.
189
00:08:42,408 --> 00:08:44,410
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,
190
00:08:44,476 --> 00:08:46,278
but maybe
you shouldn't be spilling
191
00:08:46,345 --> 00:08:48,480
- people's secrets.
- Secrets.
192
00:08:48,547 --> 00:08:51,683
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years
193
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:55,154
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?
194
00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:57,489
What woman
could feel held by these?
195
00:08:57,556 --> 00:08:58,323
Or how you keep yammering about
your milliondollar invention?
196
00:08:58,390 --> 00:09:04,029
File the patent already,
you coward.
197
00:09:04,096 --> 00:09:05,764
Or how 'bout Barney over here?
198
00:09:05,831 --> 00:09:09,435
Always going on about
how much you love
199
00:09:09,501 --> 00:09:11,904
but you haven't visited her
in years.
200
00:09:11,970 --> 00:09:13,972
She still thinks
I work at Autozone.
201
00:09:14,039 --> 00:09:19,111
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!
202
00:09:20,712 --> 00:09:25,250
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.
203
00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,919
You judging me?
204
00:09:26,985 --> 00:09:28,787
You're the one who said
you're so scared
205
00:09:28,854 --> 00:09:30,923
of being a lousy father
and husband
206
00:09:30,989 --> 00:09:32,424
that you hide out at the bar
207
00:09:32,491 --> 00:09:35,394
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.
208
00:09:35,461 --> 00:09:37,096
(gasps)
209
00:09:39,264 --> 00:09:41,133
You're worse than a mean drunk.
210
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,268
You're an honest drunk!
211
00:09:43,335 --> 00:09:45,671
No! You guys are the drunks.
212
00:09:45,737 --> 00:09:48,540
I am just wasted.
213
00:09:48,607 --> 00:09:50,409
Bababoo.
214
00:09:52,144 --> 00:09:53,545
Okay, Moe.
215
00:09:53,612 --> 00:09:56,348
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.
216
00:09:56,415 --> 00:09:59,685
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.
217
00:09:59,751 --> 00:10:00,752
(squeaking)
218
00:10:02,354 --> 00:10:04,156
(gasps)
The Confidential.
219
00:10:04,223 --> 00:10:05,324
They found out.
220
00:10:05,390 --> 00:10:07,092
All right there, Kristof.
221
00:10:07,159 --> 00:10:09,661
Time for me to answer
for my sins.
222
00:10:09,728 --> 00:10:11,930
Lead the way.
223
00:10:11,997 --> 00:10:14,566
Frickin' Kristof.
224
00:10:15,634 --> 00:10:18,103
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.
225
00:10:18,170 --> 00:10:20,806
Look, I know I screwed up,
but that...
226
00:10:23,308 --> 00:10:24,486
ARTEMIS:
Since time immemorial,
227
00:10:24,510 --> 00:10:27,379
bartenders have been
the cornerstone of civilization,
228
00:10:27,446 --> 00:10:29,848
an eternal guild of listeners.
229
00:10:29,915 --> 00:10:31,517
And so a paradox:
230
00:10:31,583 --> 00:10:34,520
for to whom could bartenders
confide their secrets?
231
00:10:34,586 --> 00:10:37,389
Thus was born the Confidential,
232
00:10:37,456 --> 00:10:41,426
a hidden society of those
who listen to the listeners.
233
00:10:42,461 --> 00:10:45,130
But this institution
will crumble to dust
234
00:10:45,197 --> 00:10:47,466
if we do not obey
its first and only law
235
00:10:47,533 --> 00:10:50,736
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"
236
00:10:51,803 --> 00:10:53,939
Look, Artemis, I know
I shouldn't have got wasted
237
00:10:54,006 --> 00:10:55,741
and blabbed the unblabbable.
238
00:10:55,807 --> 00:10:59,778
It's just, for once, I wanted
to have a drink with my friends.
239
00:10:59,845 --> 00:11:01,747
A bartender has no friends!
240
00:11:01,813 --> 00:11:04,950
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.
241
00:11:05,017 --> 00:11:06,351
Surrender your key, sir.
242
00:11:06,418 --> 00:11:08,554
Well, them's the rules, I guess.
243
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:10,389
It was nice being part
of a place
244
00:11:10,455 --> 00:11:13,625
that was bigger than me
and also super weird.
245
00:11:13,692 --> 00:11:14,960
Uh What the...
246
00:11:15,027 --> 00:11:18,363
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.
247
00:11:18,430 --> 00:11:21,700
Your friends,
your regulars are to be...
248
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,168
cut off.
249
00:11:23,235 --> 00:11:25,237
(glass breaking)
250
00:11:25,304 --> 00:11:27,139
Cut off?! No.
No, that's too horrible.
251
00:11:27,206 --> 00:11:29,041
You can't do that to them!
252
00:11:29,107 --> 00:11:31,343
You did this to them.
253
00:11:31,410 --> 00:11:33,679
They have
until the clock strikes...
254
00:11:33,745 --> 00:11:36,248
happy hour.
255
00:11:36,315 --> 00:11:39,585
Tick, tock, Mr. Szyslak.
Tick, tock.
256
00:11:39,651 --> 00:11:41,687
Guys, you're all in danger!
You...
257
00:11:41,753 --> 00:11:44,856
Oh, sorry. I've never been
in your office before.
258
00:11:44,923 --> 00:11:46,291
Any office, for that matter.
259
00:11:46,358 --> 00:11:48,927
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.
260
00:11:48,994 --> 00:11:50,474
You've got a lot of nerve
coming here,
261
00:11:50,529 --> 00:11:52,731
after what you said last night.
262
00:11:52,798 --> 00:11:54,900
I know, I know,
but this is serious, okay?
263
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,868
Some very scary people are mad
264
00:11:56,935 --> 00:11:58,937
for all that drunken blabbing
I did,
265
00:11:59,004 --> 00:12:01,206
so you're being... cut off!
266
00:12:01,273 --> 00:12:04,409
So what? You already lost us
as customers.
267
00:12:04,476 --> 00:12:06,745
No, no, you don't get it.
Cut off.
268
00:12:06,812 --> 00:12:08,213
Aah. There isn't much time,
269
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,215
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.
270
00:12:10,282 --> 00:12:12,117
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?
271
00:12:12,184 --> 00:12:13,752
Barney doesn't work here.
272
00:12:13,819 --> 00:12:15,520
Really? Seems like he would.
273
00:12:15,587 --> 00:12:17,923
Yeah, that would lead
to some good stories, all right.
274
00:12:17,990 --> 00:12:20,025
Hurry, call him. Call him!
275
00:12:20,092 --> 00:12:22,227
Mm. Fine.
276
00:12:22,294 --> 00:12:26,698
Well, if it isn't
the meanest drunk in town.
277
00:12:26,765 --> 00:12:28,767
Barn, it's happy hour.
278
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:31,336
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!
279
00:12:31,403 --> 00:12:34,373
During the best time of day
for ocean breezes?
280
00:12:34,439 --> 00:12:36,150
- No dice.
- Look out for - the dapper gentleman!
281
00:12:36,174 --> 00:12:38,910
Ow! Damn vampire bats!
282
00:12:38,977 --> 00:12:40,178
What the hell was that?
283
00:12:40,245 --> 00:12:42,314
He's been injected
with Antibooze
284
00:12:42,381 --> 00:12:46,318
a drug that makes it
so he can never drink again.
285
00:12:46,385 --> 00:12:48,587
Antibooze?
That stuff isn't real.
286
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,989
Oh, it's real, and
the side effects are horrible,
287
00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:52,524
unthinkable!
288
00:12:52,591 --> 00:12:54,926
It starts with
a skullsplitting headache.
289
00:12:54,993 --> 00:12:57,396
(yelling)
290
00:13:00,532 --> 00:13:03,135
Then you got
your firehose sweating.
291
00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:06,538
Rhinoceros pox.
292
00:13:08,073 --> 00:13:10,542
And finally, hurricane vomiting.
293
00:13:10,609 --> 00:13:14,146
(liquid pouring
and prolonged yelling on screen)
294
00:13:18,884 --> 00:13:20,952
(sighs)
He's been cut off.
295
00:13:21,019 --> 00:13:22,821
And now they're coming for you.
296
00:13:22,888 --> 00:13:26,692
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.
297
00:13:26,758 --> 00:13:28,126
No! No!
298
00:13:28,193 --> 00:13:30,762
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?
299
00:13:30,829 --> 00:13:32,297
Never again.
300
00:13:32,364 --> 00:13:34,599
No!
301
00:13:40,806 --> 00:13:42,808
(buzzing)
302
00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:55,687
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.
303
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:59,224
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!
304
00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:03,495
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?
305
00:14:03,562 --> 00:14:07,499
How many people in this town are
miserable at work and at home?
306
00:14:07,566 --> 00:14:09,368
Oh, my God.
307
00:14:29,054 --> 00:14:30,422
You guys, get out of here!
308
00:14:30,489 --> 00:14:33,125
I'll hold 'em off... with this.
309
00:14:34,593 --> 00:14:37,396
(grunting)
310
00:14:46,605 --> 00:14:49,341
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.
311
00:14:49,408 --> 00:14:51,676
That disgusting towel is a blur!
312
00:14:54,179 --> 00:14:57,115
(panting)
313
00:14:57,182 --> 00:14:59,351
(Moe grunts, electrical buzzing)
314
00:14:59,418 --> 00:15:00,698
(electrical buzzing
and snapping)
315
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:02,954
(all panting)
316
00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:04,890
This is no way to live.
317
00:15:04,956 --> 00:15:06,958
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.
318
00:15:07,025 --> 00:15:09,027
What are we supposed to do now?
319
00:15:09,094 --> 00:15:10,629
If you ever want to drink again,
320
00:15:10,695 --> 00:15:13,098
all you can do is get
on the next bus out of town
321
00:15:13,165 --> 00:15:14,633
and never stop running.
322
00:15:14,699 --> 00:15:16,368
Sounds like a plan.
323
00:15:17,869 --> 00:15:19,037
(both grunt)
324
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:21,106
(moaning)
325
00:15:21,173 --> 00:15:23,442
(speaking German)
326
00:15:26,311 --> 00:15:28,246
Those poor bastards.
327
00:15:28,313 --> 00:15:30,382
I must keen for them.
328
00:15:30,449 --> 00:15:32,784
(loud, sorrowful keening)
329
00:15:34,286 --> 00:15:35,954
Forget it, Homer.
330
00:15:36,021 --> 00:15:38,323
They're nondrinkers now.
331
00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:42,160
Marge, pack what you need
and choose one kid.
332
00:15:42,227 --> 00:15:43,862
We're leaving
Springfield forever.
333
00:15:43,929 --> 00:15:45,864
That's ridiculous, Homie.
334
00:15:45,931 --> 00:15:47,732
Look who dropped by for dinner.
335
00:15:47,799 --> 00:15:49,167
Hello, Homer.
336
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,169
Dad, Dr. Hibbert was just
telling us
337
00:15:51,236 --> 00:15:53,305
how he worked his way
through medical school.
338
00:15:53,371 --> 00:15:56,274
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.
339
00:15:56,341 --> 00:15:59,244
- I would?
- Bartending.
340
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:04,816
(screaming)
341
00:16:07,552 --> 00:16:09,454
Who wants mushroom caps?
342
00:16:09,521 --> 00:16:11,022
(screams)
343
00:16:11,089 --> 00:16:12,624
I'm so sorry, Homer.
344
00:16:12,691 --> 00:16:15,494
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,
345
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,662
and it's all because of me.
(cries)
346
00:16:18,630 --> 00:16:21,433
(cheering)
347
00:16:23,101 --> 00:16:24,769
Good morning, family.
348
00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:26,671
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
349
00:16:26,738 --> 00:16:30,041
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?
350
00:16:30,108 --> 00:16:32,477
Not today, honey.
I promised to pick up coffee
351
00:16:32,544 --> 00:16:35,514
for everyone on my team
to celebrate our record numbers.
352
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:39,284
You are so much more of a
gogetter since your promotion.
353
00:16:39,351 --> 00:16:41,920
I love this new, sober you.
354
00:16:41,987 --> 00:16:45,090
And I love any version of you.
355
00:16:45,156 --> 00:16:46,925
Mmm, mmm.
356
00:16:46,992 --> 00:16:48,627
(coughing) Get a room!
357
00:16:48,693 --> 00:16:51,596
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.
358
00:16:51,663 --> 00:16:53,131
And don't worry, Lisa.
359
00:16:53,198 --> 00:16:54,666
It'll be over in plenty of time
360
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:57,536
for me to be front
and center at your recital.
361
00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,671
Ooh! (sputtering)
362
00:16:59,738 --> 00:17:02,207
(giggling)
363
00:17:02,274 --> 00:17:04,809
Well, off to the salt mines.
364
00:17:04,876 --> 00:17:06,344
(humming cheerily)
365
00:17:09,281 --> 00:17:11,182
Well, this is a coincidence.
366
00:17:11,249 --> 00:17:14,653
I haven't seen you guys
since, uh, you know.
367
00:17:14,719 --> 00:17:17,756
Geez, it would've had
to have been the syringings?
368
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:21,226
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day
369
00:17:21,293 --> 00:17:23,562
really freed up a lot of time
for me to work out.
370
00:17:23,628 --> 00:17:27,399
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my startup got funded.
371
00:17:27,465 --> 00:17:30,969
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal
372
00:17:31,036 --> 00:17:33,204
bodyhairshaving mini robot.
373
00:17:33,271 --> 00:17:34,839
That's you? (gasps)
374
00:17:34,906 --> 00:17:36,841
I love my Groomba!
375
00:17:36,908 --> 00:17:38,476
(buzzing)
376
00:17:38,543 --> 00:17:40,979
And I got my job back
at Autozone,
377
00:17:41,046 --> 00:17:42,981
so I could finally face my ma.
378
00:17:43,048 --> 00:17:46,952
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."
379
00:17:47,018 --> 00:17:49,120
Yeah, I guess
we're all doing pretty well.
380
00:17:49,187 --> 00:17:50,755
You know who I heard ain't?
381
00:17:50,822 --> 00:17:52,824
A certain bartender.
382
00:17:52,891 --> 00:17:54,859
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.
383
00:17:54,926 --> 00:17:57,128
It would be nice
to laugh at someone
384
00:17:57,195 --> 00:18:00,098
living their lowest moment.
385
00:18:03,535 --> 00:18:06,137
I asked for the ham
in my omelet to be diced.
386
00:18:06,204 --> 00:18:08,139
This ham is clearly cubed.
387
00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:10,976
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, right away, ma'am.
388
00:18:11,042 --> 00:18:12,978
You flipped my omelet too high
in the air,
389
00:18:13,044 --> 00:18:15,013
and it got cold on the descent.
390
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,083
My mistake, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
391
00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:24,522
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggsondemand low.
392
00:18:24,589 --> 00:18:28,526
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.
393
00:18:29,661 --> 00:18:32,597
Get out of here.
You can't see me like this.
394
00:18:32,664 --> 00:18:37,235
Slingin' eggs in a welllit,
nondank environment.
395
00:18:42,907 --> 00:18:45,110
I can't believe I'm saying this.
396
00:18:45,176 --> 00:18:46,878
We're all saying it.
397
00:18:46,945 --> 00:18:48,880
Even though
we can never drink again,
398
00:18:48,947 --> 00:18:52,117
we still want you
as our bartender.
399
00:18:52,183 --> 00:18:54,119
You... you mean it?
400
00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:55,787
- Yeah.
- We do. - Mmhmm.
401
00:18:55,854 --> 00:19:00,759
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.
402
00:19:03,328 --> 00:19:05,330
(cheering)
403
00:19:07,866 --> 00:19:10,101
There you go, fellas.
Bottoms up.
404
00:19:10,869 --> 00:19:13,071
To Moe, our friend.
405
00:19:13,138 --> 00:19:15,607
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.
406
00:19:15,674 --> 00:19:17,142
Your bartender.
407
00:19:17,208 --> 00:19:19,244
Who knew
you could drink water in a bar?
408
00:19:19,310 --> 00:19:21,246
It's, uh, still watered down.
409
00:19:21,312 --> 00:19:23,581
(laughter) Good one, Moe.
410
00:19:24,549 --> 00:19:26,785
(laughter continues)
411
00:19:26,851 --> 00:19:29,521
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation
412
00:19:29,587 --> 00:19:31,322
of the human spirit.
413
00:19:31,389 --> 00:19:34,693
A cocktail of humility
and selfsacrifice
414
00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:36,928
with a dash of unbitters.
415
00:19:36,995 --> 00:19:38,229
(chuckles)
416
00:19:38,296 --> 00:19:40,598
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?
417
00:19:40,665 --> 00:19:43,935
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.
418
00:19:44,002 --> 00:19:46,571
The antidote to Antibooze.
419
00:19:46,638 --> 00:19:48,106
(all gasping)
420
00:19:48,173 --> 00:19:50,475
Now, think carefully, chaps.
421
00:19:50,542 --> 00:19:55,180
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.
422
00:20:00,919 --> 00:20:03,221
Go away, Ma.
423
00:20:03,988 --> 00:20:06,124
(gulping)
424
00:20:08,059 --> 00:20:10,595
I'm sorry. I can't go back.
425
00:20:10,662 --> 00:20:13,865
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.
426
00:20:13,932 --> 00:20:16,468
Now I'm going home to my family.
427
00:20:25,043 --> 00:20:27,245
(whirring)
428
00:20:29,948 --> 00:20:30,882
Hmm?
429
00:20:30,949 --> 00:20:33,118
(whimpering)
430
00:20:35,553 --> 00:20:37,355
(buzzing)
431
00:20:51,803 --> 00:20:54,172
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?
432
00:20:54,239 --> 00:20:56,474
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.
433
00:20:58,576 --> 00:21:00,245
♪ ♪
434
00:21:00,311 --> 00:21:02,480
(evil cackling)
435
00:21:02,547 --> 00:21:04,582
(speaking Spanish)
436
00:21:09,687 --> 00:21:11,823
(evil cackling)
437
00:21:14,959 --> 00:21:16,661
(panting)
438
00:21:16,728 --> 00:21:19,631
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
439
00:21:19,697 --> 00:21:21,266
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
440
00:21:21,332 --> 00:21:23,268
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
441
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:25,570
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
442
00:21:30,308 --> 00:21:32,443
Shh!
443
00:21:32,493 --> 00:21:37,043
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