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1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:08,180
I will defeat Lord Voldemort.
No, I will defeat Lord Voldemort.
2
00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:09,500
No, I will.
3
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:11,180
I want to be Harry Potter.
4
00:00:11,180 --> 00:00:13,180
Well, you can't -
you have a girl's voice,
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,820
and that's why you're Hermione.
6
00:00:15,900 --> 00:00:18,620
It is I, Gandalf.
7
00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:22,180
You must not quarrel
and fight any more, children.
8
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:27,740
You must come together as one
and defeat Lord Voldemort.
9
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:32,140
Gandalf is from Lord Of The Rings,
Dad.
10
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:33,860
Shove up.
11
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:35,620
BOTH: Hi, Mum.
12
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:39,020
Ooh, Tom, can I have a word
with you for a sec, please?
13
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:41,060
And who are you supposed to be?
14
00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:42,420
MasterChef's Gregg Wallace.
15
00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:46,660
My old friend's coming to stay.
16
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,460
Who? Karl.
17
00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:49,700
I've never heard of 'im?
18
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,460
(ELAINE SIGHS)
We used to go out.
19
00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:53,620
Whoo! Did you kiss him, Mum?
20
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,660
Have you?
21
00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:56,780
Look, he's been abroad
for a few years
22
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:59,140
and he's coming home
and he needs a place.
23
00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:01,540
"Ooh, I love you, Elaine."
24
00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:04,060
"Take me to Paris."
Shut it.
25
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,980
There's no way one of your exes
is staying here.
26
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:09,140
You've not met him,
you don't know what he's like.
27
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,460
(HE GASPS) You've kissed him.
28
00:01:11,460 --> 00:01:13,220
You've probably seen his bum.
29
00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:15,180
(KIDS LAUGH)
30
00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:17,500
Don't get your chin in a flap,
he's just going to be here
31
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:19,300
until he finds a place to rent.
32
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:21,460
(HE TUTS) When's he coming?
Tomorrow.
33
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:22,420
Tomorrow?!
34
00:01:22,420 --> 00:01:23,660
KIDS: Tomorrow!
35
00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:26,980
Tomorrow! Everybody, panic!
He's coming tomorrow!
36
00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,220
It's the end of the world!
37
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,100
(BOYS SHOUT AND WHOOP)
38
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,940
? I think I'll rest a little more
39
00:01:33,940 --> 00:01:38,300
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
40
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:41,100
? Something easy, I'll find hard
41
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:45,340
? It's the man in me
that keeps me running scared
42
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:49,260
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
43
00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:53,580
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
44
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:56,820
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
45
00:01:56,820 --> 00:02:01,420
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
46
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:03,620
So when's this...
47
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:05,380
when's this Karl coming?
48
00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:08,220
He'll be here about 11, so be nice
to him until I get in from work.
49
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:11,580
Where's he going to sleep -
in between us?
50
00:02:11,580 --> 00:02:14,740
Clear out the dining room
and put a bed up in there.
51
00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:16,260
Uh, OK.
52
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:19,500
You were never really serious
about him, were you?
53
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,580
Did you see his bum?
54
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:21,580
No.
55
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:24,980
Really? No bum?
56
00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:26,380
No bum.
57
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:29,340
It's hard to see much else
from that position.
58
00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:30,700
Elaine!
59
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,900
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
60
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:36,340
You're not really jealous of him,
are you, turkey boy?
61
00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:40,740
No.
Good, because he's dead fit.
62
00:02:42,860 --> 00:02:45,100
Don't forget to clear
all this out for tomorrow.
63
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,220
Yeah.
64
00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:49,180
Ooh, and can you angle the bed so I
can see his bum while he sleeps?
65
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,300
Missed!
66
00:02:55,660 --> 00:03:00,660
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ?
67
00:03:02,860 --> 00:03:06,220
(HE HUMS TO HIMSELF)
68
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:16,860
? Here she comes...
69
00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:17,860
? ...girls... ?
70
00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:26,860
Hmmm!
71
00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:29,060
No!
72
00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:33,740
(HE HUMS)
73
00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:35,220
It's wrong, it's backwards!
74
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,620
Ugh.
75
00:03:50,620 --> 00:03:52,340
Ahh...
76
00:03:57,460 --> 00:03:58,780
Eh...
77
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,580
How about ye?!
78
00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:05,980
Didn't know you'd been to prison,
Tom.
79
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,340
Ah, Roddy!
80
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:12,140
Roddy!
81
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,220
A little help!
82
00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:18,900
(TOM PANTS)
83
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,260
Oh, thanks.
84
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,180
Thanks, man. OK, I'm fine.
85
00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:24,260
I'm fine, thanks.
So is...
86
00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:28,020
is this Roddy's wee sleepover?
Shall I nip home and get me jimjams?
87
00:04:28,020 --> 00:04:31,260
Eh, no, it's not for you,
it's not for you. It's for our guest.
88
00:04:31,260 --> 00:04:33,820
Who is it, then?
Oh, it's an ex-boyfriend of Elaine's,
89
00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:35,100
Karl something or other.
90
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,980
Oh, the housework's piling up,
I don't have time for this!
91
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,460
Do you know what, with the homework
92
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:42,340
and driving them to their friend's
house and cooking them dinners,
93
00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:44,660
and the ironing,
that piles up like nobody's business.
94
00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:47,780
The washing machine never seems to be
off, the dishwasher is never empty,
95
00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,700
and do I get five minutes to look at
meself in the mirror? No, I do not!
96
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,660
You're a proper wee mammy,
aren't you?
97
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:57,620
I'm always there for my children,
Roddy.
98
00:04:57,620 --> 00:05:00,140
Over to me, me.
Lovely, lovely. Ooh, yeah!
99
00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:01,300
Excuse me? Excuse me?
100
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,820
Do you know where
the nearest newsagent is, please?
101
00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:05,220
Stranger danger.
102
00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:09,220
Stranger danger!
103
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:11,700
Stranger danger!
104
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:13,420
You're doing that wrong Tom.
105
00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:15,820
What you need to do
is get inside, with the duvet,
106
00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:18,260
that's it, go on off you go.
107
00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:19,900
Do you know something?
108
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:23,940
Listen, do you think all this stay
at home dad stuff is changing me?
109
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:27,060
Oh, aye, definitely.
110
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:30,780
I just worry that Elaine doesn't
think I'm a real man any more.
111
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:33,380
Sure, how could she?
Look at you!
112
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:35,020
(RODDY LAUGHS)
113
00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:36,860
Elaine's looking for a real man.
114
00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:41,820
A real man who'll cherish her, look
after her, take her in his arms.
115
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:44,580
Look into those beautiful
green eyes of hers and say,
116
00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:47,340
"I'm going down the pub,
stick that dinner in the microwave."
117
00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,940
"I don't know what time
I'll be back."
118
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:50,980
A real man.
119
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,620
She's never talked about
this Karl fella, has she?
120
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,860
Oh, I get it.
121
00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:00,020
You're jealous.
122
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:03,980
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.
I'm not jealous.
123
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,300
Now, why would I be jealous?
I've got everything.
124
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,900
Beautiful wife, lovely kids,
roof over my head,
125
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:12,220
and I get to stay at home
and watch my children blossom
126
00:06:12,220 --> 00:06:13,620
in front of my very own eyes.
127
00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:15,340
Not many men can say that.
128
00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:18,380
Actually, not many men do that, son.
It's a woman's job.
129
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:20,580
Now, come on,
let me help you with that.
130
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:22,180
I'm a dab hand
at this sort of thing.
131
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:23,860
Look, I wouldn't worry about it.
132
00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:26,980
I bet you he's a wee, fat, bald
bloke or something like that.
133
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,380
And sure, if he is, I'll see him
off,
134
00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,060
don't you worry, Tom.
I'll see him off for you.
135
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,460
And if it turns out he is
a big hunk, a hunk of burning love,
136
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:36,540
you're screwed!
137
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,900
Now, look at that. There you go,
Tom.
138
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,380
There you go, huh?
139
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:45,420
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, no no. Get me out, Roddy!
140
00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:48,620
Oh, sorry, it's the pub.
Better go. Roddy!
141
00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:50,780
(DOORBELL RINGS) Doorbell!
142
00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:54,260
Hello?
143
00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:56,260
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
144
00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:58,460
It's all right, I've got it.
145
00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:10,020
Wow, Dad, Superman!
146
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,580
Hi.
147
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,980
I'm Karl.
I think you've been expecting me.
148
00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:24,300
So, we'd been tracking them
for 14 days, me and Dave.
149
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,300
Who's Dave?
Dave Attenborough.
150
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,100
And then we saw the dolphins.
151
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:33,220
I love dolphins. Don't I love
dolphins, Tom? I love dolphins.
152
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,820
I took some great shots,
153
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:39,140
and when I'd finished, they all
made this funny squeaking noise.
154
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:42,060
Arr-arr-ohh...
155
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:44,420
Nearly Roddy, nearly.
156
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,620
It was more like this...
157
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:51,060
(KARL CLICKS)
158
00:07:51,060 --> 00:07:52,500
What does that mean?
159
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,180
"Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl."
160
00:07:55,180 --> 00:07:57,580
"Thanks Karl."
Did you hear that, Tom?
161
00:07:57,580 --> 00:08:00,340
Yeah, I did. I did hear it.
162
00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:03,140
Actually, Karl, what does, um...
163
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:05,220
(YAWNS)
164
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:06,940
...mean in whale language?
165
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:09,140
It means, "This krill is delicious."
166
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,940
So cool, Dad.
167
00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:16,260
Can we keep him? Please?
168
00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:17,900
Oooh!
169
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,580
What does that mean? No.
170
00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:24,260
That's a great chin
you got on you there, Karl, huh?
171
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,500
Thanks, Roddy, but hey, listen,
172
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,460
I mean, what do you guys do?
173
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,420
I run a pub,
and he's a stay at home mum.
174
00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:31,700
No...!
175
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,340
No, I'm a professional
portrait photographer.
176
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,780
Hard to make money
from that nowadays,
177
00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:39,660
now that everybody
has their own cameras.
178
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:42,300
But when they want a portrait,
they still pay a professional.
179
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:45,940
OK, last one now.
And hold it...
180
00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:48,980
and... got it!
181
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,260
All right. Well done, kids.
182
00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:53,340
Proud of yourselves.
183
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:57,500
OK, parents,
just pick up your... photographs.
184
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:02,660
Well, thanks for taking the time
to welcome me into your lovely home.
185
00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:06,420
No problem at all. I just... moved
a few things around the diary.
186
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:09,220
Moved Thursday to Saturday
and Friday to Sunday.
187
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:13,100
I'm really looking forward
to seeing Elaine.
188
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,660
You're a lucky man, Tom.
189
00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:17,340
She is quite a woman. Quite a woman.
190
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,260
Oh, did you ever get married, Karl?
Have you got kids?
191
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:20,380
No.
192
00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:22,460
There was only really ever
one woman for me.
193
00:09:22,460 --> 00:09:25,180
She made me feel like a real man.
194
00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:28,100
Elaine tells me
that you do the housework.
195
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,740
What?
196
00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:34,900
No, I tidy up a little bit,
but I don't do house... housework?!
197
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,860
Cooee! Here now, Tom.
198
00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:39,700
Here's that nice peg apron
that you wanted.
199
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:40,700
Mum!
200
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:45,860
This is for people who do housework.
I don't do housework... housework?!
201
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:48,820
I knew a fella once
did so much housework,
202
00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:51,340
he ended up
growing a boob under his arm.
203
00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:55,380
What are you talking about?
204
00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:59,460
Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
would you look at that man's chin?
205
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:02,940
That is a chin, Mary.
That is a CHIN.
206
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:04,420
Come on, move it. Clear out, kids.
207
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:06,220
Let your grandmother sit down.
208
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:08,300
Its perfect, isn't it, Mary?
209
00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:11,580
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
210
00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:13,660
I'm Tom's mother, Mary.
211
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:15,900
Mary, what a beautiful name.
212
00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,700
I'm Karl,
an old boyfriend of Elaine's.
213
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:21,820
Oh...
214
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:25,140
Look, Pat - it's huge! It's huge!
215
00:10:26,780 --> 00:10:30,340
Hi, Karl, I'm Pat,
what's-his-name's father.
216
00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:32,820
Great chin.
217
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,140
Oh, thanks, Pat. Thank you.
218
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:36,740
He's an old boyfriend of Elaine's.
219
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:38,300
I heard, woman - I'm not deaf.
220
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:40,300
I didn't think
he was an old boyfriend of yours.
221
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,460
Your chin
is nothing like our dad's one.
222
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:47,820
Mum says dad has a chin like a
turkey.
223
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:51,100
It's the family curse, son.
It comes from your gran's side.
224
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:54,180
You know, if she didn't keep
her chin moving all the time
225
00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:57,220
with the talking, God knows
what she'd end up looking like.
226
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:05,500
Lads, lads, lads.
227
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,620
Great kids.
228
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:09,780
Yeah, I had them with Elaine.
229
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,500
And I was naked when I did it.
230
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,780
Well, that's something
we have in common.
231
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:19,460
I beg your pardon?
232
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:20,780
We both love kids.
233
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:25,940
Oh, yeah, yeah, I love kids.
Absolutely love them!
234
00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:27,220
Get out the back!
235
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:32,300
(BEEPING) Oh, excuse me.
236
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,900
Could I just use your toilet
for a moment, please?
237
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:36,180
Oh, it's by the stairs.
238
00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:38,180
Thanks.
239
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:52,780
I think I can find my own way,
Rodster.
240
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,540
Fair enough.
241
00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:00,860
Rodster!
242
00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:03,980
Got me own nickname now.
243
00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:07,620
He's lovely, isn't he, Mary?
244
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,340
He's marvellous, Roddy.
245
00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:12,020
Oh, you have some competition there,
Tom.
246
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,980
That is a chin to die for!
247
00:12:15,180 --> 00:12:16,940
It's no wonder Elaine fell for him.
248
00:12:16,940 --> 00:12:21,140
Yours is like... the loose skin
on an old man's backside.
249
00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:26,420
And whose fault is it that I have
a chin like an old man's backside?
250
00:12:26,420 --> 00:12:28,140
Old flappy mammy there.
251
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,820
Hi, Tom.
252
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,140
Married sex
not all its cracked up to be, eh?
253
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:50,580
Oh, Karl, I was, er,
just fixing the handle.
254
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:53,860
Ah, you might want
to take a look at this one too.
255
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,140
He was looking through the
keyhole. Shut up.
256
00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:57,820
Hi, I'm Karl.
257
00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:00,740
Karl. Tim, I'm from next door.
258
00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:02,540
That's a lovely chin.
259
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,420
Thanks.
Not a bad chin-zone yourself there.
260
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,540
Oh!
261
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:08,660
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
262
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:11,420
Yeah, well, I exercise mine. You?
263
00:13:11,420 --> 00:13:14,740
Ah, great,
I'm in the middle of a chin orgy(!)
264
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:16,860
I just hit the jackpot
in the gene lottery.
265
00:13:16,860 --> 00:13:19,620
Anyway, nice to meet you, Tim.
Best get back to the gang.
266
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,340
Yeah, with the... Oh!
267
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:24,540
...the gang.
268
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:27,900
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)
269
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:28,980
Shall we...?
270
00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:30,740
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the gang.
271
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,180
God, he must have worked hard
to get a chin like that.
272
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:40,700
You wouldn't think it to look at me
but I used to have a wretched chin.
273
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,460
Chin up.
274
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:50,260
Exercise your chin and, in no time at
all, you'll have a chin like Karl's.
275
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:51,460
Exercise?!
276
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:53,660
Yeah, well, there's lots
of different techniques.
277
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:57,900
There's, er, Chinnercise,
Chinnerobics, Tai Chin, of course.
278
00:13:57,900 --> 00:14:00,740
Ding, tu-ung, tung, tun!
279
00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:06,500
Quick, Tom,
Karl's about to start another story.
280
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,860
Hi, Tim.
281
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:08,980
Ah great, Chinanory(!)
282
00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,180
Great, Chinanory.
283
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:11,060
No, can...?
284
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:14,380
Do you know what?
I got four new spark plugs.
285
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:15,700
You didn't. I did!
286
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,540
Are they in the car?
Yes, they are!
287
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:18,980
Oh-ho-ho! We spoke about this!
288
00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:19,980
Yes, we did!
289
00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:27,220
So I was surfing Amazon
while I was on the Amazon.
290
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,140
(LAUGHTER)
291
00:14:34,820 --> 00:14:36,380
You all right there, Tom?
292
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,980
Just, er, doing my, erm...
293
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,660
T-rex impression.
294
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:46,940
(ROARS FEEBLY)
295
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:50,060
That's very good, Tom, but, erm...
296
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:53,340
a T-rex is a little more like,
erm...
297
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:57,980
(ROARS IMPRESSIVELY)
298
00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:02,140
Oh, sorry, Tom.
299
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,380
Elaine.
300
00:15:07,380 --> 00:15:08,780
Karl.
301
00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:14,660
I see you've met my husband, Tom?
302
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:15,780
Karl.
303
00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:17,940
Mm-hm.
304
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,540
Mary.
305
00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:23,340
Elaine. Karl.
306
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,180
Roddy...?
307
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:27,140
Elaine. Karl.
308
00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:31,340
And Pat.
309
00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:34,580
Oh, Tom,
imagine what you could have achieved
310
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,900
if you had a chin like that.
311
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,700
You'd be a completely different
person.
312
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,260
Yeah.
313
00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:43,220
(GIGGLING)
314
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:51,980
Like this!
(LAUGHTER)
315
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:54,140
(MIAOWS)
316
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:09,340
(VACUUM WHIRS)
317
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:18,780
Oh, I just don't like him, Elaine.
318
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:22,580
Will you stop banging on about Karl?
I thought you weren't jealous.
319
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:26,140
I'm not jealous.
But he eats like a horse.
320
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:30,060
He's only been here a day
and he's already eaten three bananas.
321
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:35,740
And his coughs sound
exactly the same as his sneezes.
322
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:36,900
I can't tell which is which.
323
00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:39,260
Well, there you go.
324
00:16:39,260 --> 00:16:40,340
What?
325
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:42,020
You've both got the same problem.
326
00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:46,060
His coughs sound like sneezes
and your trumps sound like coughs.
327
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,980
That's not my fault.
I was born that way.
328
00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:52,340
It's an odd shape, I know,
but it's my odd shape.
329
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:54,420
He's such a waster!
330
00:16:54,420 --> 00:16:56,740
He isn't!
He's always up to something.
331
00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:59,180
And he's done a lot of work
for the environment.
332
00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:01,140
Not any more than I have.
You?
333
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,980
What have you ever done
for the environment?
334
00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:07,740
(STRAINS)
335
00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:08,940
There.
336
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:09,940
What?
337
00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:11,100
Held it in.
338
00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:16,220
And what's he getting up to
in that bathroom?
339
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,900
No worse
than what you get up to in there.
340
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:20,700
I've seen him.
I've seen him with a syringe.
341
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:24,940
Taking God knows what in our house
where our children sleep.
342
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:27,220
Don't be ridiculous,
he's probably diabetic.
343
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,740
Oh, that's very convenient,
that, isn't it?
344
00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:33,580
Stupid eejit with his stories
about David Attenborough
345
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,780
and his dolphin noises.
346
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:36,980
(STRAINED DOLPHIN NOISE)
347
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,660
So annoying! Tom!
348
00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:42,580
Oh, thinks he's better than me.
Making sure everybody likes him.
349
00:17:42,580 --> 00:17:44,780
Taking over my wife, house and kids.
350
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:48,020
(VACUUM WHIRS)
351
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,060
Now, have I got your attention?
352
00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:53,820
He's not trying to take over
your house, wife and kids.
353
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,620
He's not a drug addict
and he's staying here
354
00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:58,980
until he finds somewhere to rent,
OK?
355
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:00,900
Now, what's going to happen now is
356
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,380
you're going to turn the light off,
you're going to go to sleep
357
00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:06,700
and when I take this off your mouth
you're not going to say another word.
358
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,860
(GASPS FOR AIR)
359
00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:18,500
Good boy.
360
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,100
Stupid chin.
361
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,500
(VACUUM WHIRS)
362
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,300
Night!
363
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,380
(VACUUM STOPS)
364
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,220
(VACUUM WHIRS)
365
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:34,300
Oh!
366
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:39,860
(VACUUM WHIRS)
367
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:46,780
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ?
368
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:50,940
And this little fella is an ocelot.
369
00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:55,380
Like the ones me and Dave woke to find one
morning had eaten all our sandwiches.
370
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:58,540
He used some language I won't
repeat in front of you children.
371
00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:01,580
Was it bollix?
372
00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:04,780
Dad says that a lot.
373
00:19:04,780 --> 00:19:07,620
That's because he's Irish, Drew.
That's not a swearword in Ireland.
374
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:10,660
So, will you be looking at
a lot of houses today, Karl?
375
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:13,860
Yeah, don't worry, I'll be out
of your hair pretty soon.
376
00:19:13,860 --> 00:19:15,620
Oh, no, no. There's no rush.
377
00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:18,460
Tom was only saying last night
how great it was to have you around.
378
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:22,180
Morning!
379
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:28,380
Just recycling a few things to save
the polar bears in the South Pole.
380
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,860
Polar bears live in the
North Pole, Tom.
381
00:19:30,860 --> 00:19:32,700
Oh, yeah, well, they do now.
382
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:37,060
But, yeah, before, they had
to move from the South Pole
383
00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:40,180
because of all the rubbish
in the South Pole.
384
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,740
You're supposed
to separate that stuff, Dad.
385
00:19:42,740 --> 00:19:45,100
Well, at least it's further
away from the South Pole.
386
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,140
North Pole.
387
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:50,380
North Pole. And by doing this,
I've saved at least ten penguins.
388
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:51,420
Polar bears.
389
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:52,860
Polar bears in the South Pole.
390
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:54,460
North Pole. North Pole!
391
00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:00,180
Ah, great lads, these, aren't they?
392
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:03,420
Great chaps.
393
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,860
Everything all right today, love?
394
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:09,420
Yep, absolutely fabulous, my darling.
Morning.
395
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:13,940
Karl.
396
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:15,460
Nice chin.
397
00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:17,500
Mmm, yes, it is.
398
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:22,380
I, er... was doing a bit of
Chinnercise with Tim next door.
399
00:20:23,740 --> 00:20:26,820
What are you doing?
I'm going to kill you for this!
400
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:29,380
Take it off,
before I recycle your face.
401
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:31,860
Don't know what you're talking about.
402
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:34,180
What about ye?
403
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:35,580
Rodster.
404
00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:37,460
Hey, man.
405
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:39,140
Thanks for inviting me out last
night.
406
00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:43,620
Haven't had a night like that since me and
Dave had a bit of a messy one in Bangkok.
407
00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:44,980
Bangkok.
408
00:20:44,980 --> 00:20:48,300
Did you, er...? Did you go out with
Karl last night without asking me?
409
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,940
Don't worry, Tom,
it'll be your turn tonight.
410
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,660
I think somebody's
skinny-dipping in your drink there.
411
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:01,220
Hey, guys, what about some magic?
412
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,540
Yeah, magic!
413
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:03,740
Follow me.
414
00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:06,620
I always loved it
when you did magic, Karl.
415
00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:10,020
Karl, wait for the Rodster.
I love magic too.
416
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:16,940
OK. There's nothing in the cup.
417
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:19,340
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
418
00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:21,940
I'll do the magic in the house,
thanks, Karl.
419
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:28,660
OK, nothing in the cup.
Nothing in the cup at all.
420
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:30,340
It's in your hand.
421
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:34,860
Well... yeah, you can...
422
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,540
Yes, you could but, er...
423
00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:39,580
Let me see
if I can remember my version.
424
00:21:39,580 --> 00:21:43,260
OK. Here's a magic coin.
425
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,460
Now, throw it up into the air.
426
00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:47,580
(COIN LANDS IN CUP)
427
00:21:48,660 --> 00:21:50,740
(GASPS)
428
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:55,940
Well, yes, that is... This is good,
but I-I-I've got a better one.
429
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:57,780
I have a better one. Great!
430
00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:00,100
OK, look, I need an assistant.
431
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:01,380
(RODDY FLAILS)
432
00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:04,540
Roddy. OK, Roddy, you can help.
433
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:07,300
OK, right, erm...
Right, do some magic music
434
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:10,420
while the great Tomingo
prepares himself.
435
00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:11,900
So make up magic music.
436
00:22:11,900 --> 00:22:14,140
The great Tomingo!
437
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:15,980
(HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC)
438
00:22:23,860 --> 00:22:26,860
Yay, Dad's floating!
It's a miracle!
439
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:30,380
Oh, Tom, that is hilarious.
440
00:22:31,820 --> 00:22:34,060
Dad, I can see your feet.
441
00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:36,140
Oh, no, don't... Ah!
442
00:22:36,140 --> 00:22:38,620
This is embarrassing.
Can we see Karl's magic now?
443
00:22:38,620 --> 00:22:40,700
Why don't you do that thing, Karl?
444
00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:42,660
What, the thing I used to do in
college?
445
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:45,060
Yeah. Well, I'll need my glamorous
assistant.
446
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:55,300
OK... now watch my feet.
447
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:03,020
Woah, that is so cool!
448
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:06,340
Oh, my God,
he was actually levitating, Dad.
449
00:23:06,340 --> 00:23:08,460
Thank you, well...
450
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:11,700
Ah, yeah, whatever. Cooee!
451
00:23:25,740 --> 00:23:29,180
Hey, why don't you kids
go and play upstairs.
452
00:23:29,180 --> 00:23:32,620
Woah, I'll... I'll tell the kids
what to do. It's cool.
453
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,980
They are my children. Kids, why
don't...?
454
00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:42,060
Yeah, yeah, why don't you go... upstairs or...
out the back and play or...?
455
00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:46,740
Oh, Elaine,
if things had only been different.
456
00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:52,220
We had the world in our hands, could
have gone anywhere, done anything.
457
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,820
But instead you chose this.
458
00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:56,940
(TOM SQUEALS)
459
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:03,540
I knew it! I knew you were here
to try and get back Elaine.
460
00:24:03,540 --> 00:24:06,300
Looking at houses, me hoop!
461
00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:09,820
Hey, Tom, listen, I think
we may have got off to a bad start.
462
00:24:09,820 --> 00:24:13,260
Woah, woah, woah, lads, lads, lads. Come
on now, come on now, back off, back off.
463
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:14,620
Sit down, Roddy.
464
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,420
Fair enough, fair enough.
465
00:24:16,420 --> 00:24:17,780
(ALARM BEEPS)
466
00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:19,540
If you'll just excuse me.
467
00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:22,660
Where are you off to, Karl?
Off to shoot up a bit of heroin?
468
00:24:22,660 --> 00:24:23,900
Tom! Tom!
469
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:25,380
Roddy! What?
470
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:27,500
I don't know what the hell is going
on.
471
00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:31,580
Heroin, Tom? Is that what you think?
472
00:24:31,580 --> 00:24:34,220
You come here telling us all
that you're looking at houses
473
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:35,740
when you clearly aren't
474
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:40,700
and then you keep popping off to
the toiler to chase the... dinosaur.
475
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,100
Dragon.
Dragon, thank you, Elaine.
476
00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:45,540
Listen, Tom,
I was out with Karl last night
477
00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:47,340
and I never seen him take any drugs.
478
00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:50,300
Then what's this, Smacky?
479
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:51,220
Tom!
480
00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,980
Yeah, that's it.
481
00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:57,460
Pop off to the loo there
and shoot up a bit of brown... butter.
482
00:24:57,460 --> 00:24:59,020
Sugar, Tom. Sugar, thanks, Mum.
483
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:03,340
Er... I've been injecting.
484
00:25:03,340 --> 00:25:04,340
Yes, he has.
485
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:08,060
I've been injecting Botox
into my chin.
486
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:15,900
He's put what in his where now?
487
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:17,620
What are we all gasping at?
488
00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:21,060
Botox, Pat. He's been putting
Botox into his chin.
489
00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:25,020
This chin, Elaine.
490
00:25:25,020 --> 00:25:28,140
It looks amazing
and its great to have around
491
00:25:28,140 --> 00:25:30,940
but all it does is cause me trouble.
492
00:25:30,940 --> 00:25:34,180
With a great chin
comes great responsibility.
493
00:25:34,180 --> 00:25:39,140
Underneath this is just the chin
of an ordinary man.
494
00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:49,420
Why, Karl? You look great,
even without that chin.
495
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:51,220
I'm a fool, Elaine.
496
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:57,060
This chin just makes so many people
happy, except for one person - me.
497
00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:02,020
You know, I secretly thought
that I'd come back here
498
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:04,780
and me and my chin would sweep you
off your feet
499
00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:06,380
and we could start again,
500
00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:09,580
but now I realise
you've got a great husband in Tom,
501
00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:13,140
wonderful children,
a beautiful mother-in-law...
502
00:26:17,780 --> 00:26:19,660
...a fantastic buddy in Rodster...
503
00:26:23,820 --> 00:26:24,780
...and Pat.
504
00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,620
I don't belong here anymore.
505
00:26:29,620 --> 00:26:32,140
It's time for me to say goodbye.
506
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:33,340
Goodbye.
507
00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:38,780
(RODDY AND MARY) No, no, no!
508
00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:45,380
And to think,
509
00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:48,900
I could have been sitting on that
chin for the rest of me life.
510
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,820
I'd better go and see
he's all right.
511
00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:56,500
I'm sorry for being a...
512
00:26:56,500 --> 00:26:59,140
Arse, Tom.
The word you're looking for is arse.
513
00:26:59,140 --> 00:27:00,580
An arse.
514
00:27:00,580 --> 00:27:03,340
But why don't you come back again
some time? That'd be great.
515
00:27:03,340 --> 00:27:05,660
I'd like that, thanks, Tom. Bye,
kids.
516
00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:11,820
Mary.
517
00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:15,740
Rodster.
518
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,140
Bye, Pat.
519
00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:22,780
Do we make a wish?
520
00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:24,020
Eejit!
521
00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:29,140
And Elaine.
522
00:27:37,220 --> 00:27:40,700
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
523
00:27:45,060 --> 00:27:46,900
What did you say there, Tom?
524
00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:51,100
I said, er,
"Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl."
525
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:54,340
You know,
I was never interested in his chin.
526
00:28:04,340 --> 00:28:07,860
? I think I'll rest a little more
527
00:28:07,860 --> 00:28:12,260
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
528
00:28:12,260 --> 00:28:15,060
? Something easy I'll find hard
529
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:19,260
? It's the man in me
that keeps me running scared
530
00:28:19,260 --> 00:28:23,180
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
531
00:28:23,180 --> 00:28:27,500
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
532
00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:30,780
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
533
00:28:30,780 --> 00:28:34,460
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
534
00:28:34,510 --> 00:28:39,060
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