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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,600
Almost ready to storm the Citadel
and defeat the Hive Mother.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,320
CHORAL MUSIC
This is the culmination of...
everything.
3
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,560
MUSIC STOPS
Oh, I need a tea!
4
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,120
Do you want one? Erm... No, thanks.
OK.
5
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,600
I'm a massive woman!
Quack-quack-quack!
I'm a giant running woman!
6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,080
You know what, Nicky,
we lead very thin lives,
7
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:21,400
but we have this
8
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,000
and you best believe
we paid our dues. Hallelujah.
9
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,440
Did you just sneer at my dinner?
10
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,920
No. I just looked at it.
11
00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:31,440
So, how about we all
slay the Hive Mother together
12
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,280
and then I'm gone?
13
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:39,400
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
14
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,760
Oh, my God.
We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.
15
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,480
OK. Wait for the drop.
This is going to be huge!
16
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:49,360
MUSICAL FANFARE
What the actual fuck?!
17
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,560
I should probably, erm...
18
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,760
Yeah. I need to, erm,
boot up Destiny 2.
19
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,200
You're not gonna believe this. They
just announced an expansion pack!
20
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:07,120
Good morrow, fair maiden.
Good morrow, Meg.
21
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,400
Happy expansion day!
22
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:12,360
It's finally here. The next chapter.
The new instalment.
23
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,800
It's over.
24
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,320
After eight long deathly months,
the content drought is finally over.
25
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,960
Look at me spooning this
delicious content into my mouth.
26
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,840
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
27
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,040
Content! Content! Content!
Content! Content! Content!
28
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,560
Look at all that lovely content
you're consuming!
29
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,440
This is just the start, Alison.
30
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,560
They're going to be pumping content
down my throat with one of
those giant metal pipes
31
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,000
they use to blast acorns into geese.
32
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,520
Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!
Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!
33
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,160
God, I'm actually a bit nervous.
34
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:43,000
I could barely sleep. I woke up
about 4am and went for a big sploshy
wee.
35
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,960
Yes, I heard that.
I couldn't get back to sleep!
36
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,240
It's like Christmas morning,
37
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,880
if Christmas morning
were 500 hours long!
38
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,760
500 hours of content
just being bled into my face
from a giant content horn.
39
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,160
Sorry, what are these here
that you have on?
40
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,280
Oh, laptop trousers.
41
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,000
Laptop trousers?
For when we want to go portable.
42
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,880
Meg made them for us.
Strengthened pockets for power
cables
43
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,760
and I have added some padding
here and here to insulate us
from getting hot thigh.
44
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,960
A lot of people are saying
battery heat can give you
cancer of the upper thigh.
45
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,920
I mean, who knows?
Right, well, I'm off!
46
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,440
Greece? Athens?
47
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,160
The holiday?
48
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:21,960
Oh, sorry, Alison!
49
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,360
Look at us, banging on.
50
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,760
Er, no... Greece! God,
you'll bloody love that, won't ya?
51
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,560
What a country!
52
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,720
Olives, oil,
53
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,360
fucking...
54
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,720
Recessions? Mm.
55
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:41,800
Starting off in Naxos
and then heading over to Athens,
56
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,560
the Acropolis! Oh, the Acrop...
Did you hear that, Nicky?
57
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,800
Alison's going to see the Acropolis.
58
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,040
Now, that's a very old building,
isn't it?
59
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,560
That's correct, Meg.
60
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,960
How big is it, the Acropolis,
in hours?
61
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,800
I don't think I understand
the question.
62
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,760
(500 hours.)
63
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,560
'Tis a wonderous day to be alive.
64
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:07,080
You should take your time
to smell the flowers, young Alison,
65
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,080
for one day they will wither,
66
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:13,400
for now is the summertime
of your youth.
67
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,200
Thank you for those sage words, Meg.
68
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,840
I'll be back in a week.
Look after everything here
69
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,960
and, I'm joking,
but please don't urinate
70
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,840
in any of my nice drinking glasses.
71
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,160
SHE SINGS INDISTINCTLY
72
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,800
THEY HUM LOUDLY
73
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,600
Kingdom Scrolls
74
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,000
It's fun for young and old
75
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,720
(BOTH) We come to fight for gold
76
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:58,600
And Experience Po-oints!
77
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,600
Kingdom Scrolls
78
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,200
Oh, lovely Kingdom Scrolls
79
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,800
A tale of fate foretold
80
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,040
And Experience Points
81
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:12,520
OK, I'm on the epilepsy warning.
"Warning! Playing games
may induce seizures."
82
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,520
I'll take regular breaks, then,
shall I?
83
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,800
Maybe I'll open a window!
THEY LAUGH
84
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:22,920
But, seriously, I'm going to try and
not turn it into a grind this time.
Just relax and, er, enjoy the ride.
85
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,960
I'm joking! I am on a straight line
to the new-level cap.
86
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,120
I'm essentially a sentient chair
until I hit level 110.
87
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,160
You know, they say sitting down
is the new smoking.
88
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:37,160
Well, I guess that makes me
the fucking Marlboro Man.
89
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,440
No-one speaks for the next
six to eight minutes.
90
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,560
Behold,
91
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:47,280
Kingdom Scrolls End Days begin.
SHE SHUDDERS
92
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,280
Look what the tide dragged in,
Tanadaal Kwan.
93
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,000
Emperor Vintoto, we meet at last.
94
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,040
"You look a little green
around the gills."
95
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,640
"My people are in need."
96
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,560
A plague sweeps the land.
97
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,400
A plague!
Ooh, there's a fucking plague!
98
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,200
"Buckle up, guys, because we are
about to meet the tenth emperor."
99
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,800
Holy shit!
100
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,840
Tanadaal Kwan, it's time to reclaim
your birthright!
101
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,720
Sorry, who the fuck is that?
102
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,840
Why is there a fucking koi carp
with man legs?
103
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,400
Look at his arms!
It's got tiny fish arms!
104
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,800
How does he even feed himself?
I don't even know how he gets
his little Speedo on in the morning.
105
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,560
S-S-Ssh! Just shut up, OK?
I'm sure it all makes sense.
106
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,440
"OK, I've seen enough. I'm bailing."
107
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,320
BEEPING
OK, there's more.
108
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,400
They've introduced loot boxes.
109
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,080
"Are you serious? Loot boxes?"
110
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,320
They're on the menus.
12 Kingdom Crates for 9.99
111
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,200
Well, I guess they finally did it.
They monetised me.
112
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,240
To be honest, I'm just surprised
it took them this long.
113
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,560
Looks like we've got ourselves
an addict!
114
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,200
Shouldn't you at least open a crate
before you decide
you're addicted to opening crates?
115
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,200
"Oh, a free one!"
116
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,440
Yep, I'm a goner.
117
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,280
Out comes the credit card,
bang goes the driving lessons.
118
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,600
OK, this is happening.
119
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,440
There are carps
with legs and buttocks.
120
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,000
Huh.
121
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,560
Fine! Great!
122
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,880
"Imagine this guy
trying to take a crap."
123
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,480
He couldn't even get his pants down,
let alone clean himself.
124
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,760
All right, Usman!
125
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:26,280
Crate number one contains...
nothing of note.
126
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:30,200
Crate number two... Nothing of note.
Crate number three?
127
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,400
Plimsolls and a bag of sand. Ah.
128
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,720
Crate number four contains...
nothing of note.
129
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,520
Hello?
130
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,120
Is it safe... to come in?
131
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,880
Oh! Meg!
132
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,840
I was half expecting to find
the wheelie bin in the living room!
133
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,360
You and Nicky wiping your bottoms
on the tea towels!
134
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,320
So, how was your week?
The content feast?
135
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,560
Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.
136
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,000
No, yeah, it was, erm,
137
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,680
it was incredible. Yeah?
138
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,120
I love it, actually.
139
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,480
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Erm...
140
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,160
There's fish people in it now.
141
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,000
Oh, right! Yeah.
142
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,920
It's, erm, been quite divisive
amongst the community.
143
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,280
A bit of hate speech flying around.
144
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:31,680
Weirdly, it became a trans issue on
Twitter some point around Thursday.
145
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,480
I can't remember why, but, erm...
146
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,440
Yeah, no, it's... it's brilliant.
147
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,920
Lock up your valuables.
Crate-head incoming.
148
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,840
Nicky! Meg was just telling me
about the new expansion pack.
149
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,680
Oh, yeah! No, it's cool. I've just
been on the crates for seven days.
150
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,040
The crates?
Loot boxes. Surprise mechanics!
151
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,000
Basically, I pay to unlock things
that I don't really want.
152
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,600
Hm, maybe I've got a problem.
153
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,000
I haven't at all.
154
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,600
I'm actually only spending
about £63 a day on crates.
155
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,400
And what do you get for that,
your £63?
156
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,680
Various degrees of detritus.
Tags, emotes, skins.
157
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,960
Snagged an ultra-rare
gunmetal parasol on Tuesday.
158
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,760
Oh! But, er, apart from that,
159
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,400
just mostly bollocks.
160
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,560
Meg tells me there's fish people
in it now.
161
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,760
Oh, don't! They're the worst.
162
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,080
They make no sense.
Where have they even come from?
163
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:24,080
Because, Nicky, they were forced
to evolve when they were driven out
of the Grey Sea,
164
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,960
which is completely toxic,
165
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,160
much like the nature
of the discourse.
166
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:32,640
So in one evolutionary cycle,
an entire race of fish creatures
developed man legs, did they, Meg?
167
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,680
Yes, Nicky, evidently they did.
168
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:39,480
What about their infrastructure?
Their palace under the sea with
the minarets built from coral shell?
169
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,560
They know what they're doing,
the developers.
170
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,600
Sure they do.
Going after the Fortnite money.
171
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,240
Fishmen, hats, loot boxes.
172
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,320
I'm just another money nerd
waiting to be squeezed.
173
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,720
Speaking of which,
174
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,080
crates beckon.
175
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:57,640
Well, Meg, that all sounds great!
And Greece was lovely.
176
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,240
Oh, er, Greece. Sure.
177
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,280
Also, erm,
178
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,480
I met someone! Jay.
179
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,800
He's a bit older. He's 32.
180
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,160
He's losing his hair a bit,
but he owns his own digital PR firm.
181
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,160
And we went out
on this old rickety boat -
182
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,200
It's not very good, Alison!
183
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,080
Oh! Oh, Meg!
184
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,000
What?
185
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,240
It's fine. I'm fine.
186
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,760
Oh, I'm so sorry.
187
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,680
Now I've just wasted
all of my annual leave
188
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,880
and...
189
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,120
Look at you.
All the things you've done.
190
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,920
So much things.
191
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,640
Oh. I mean, it...
I-It wasn't that great!
192
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,200
It was only Greece!
193
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,960
Ooh, the cradle
of Western civilisation? Pfft!
194
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,440
And the Parthenon was so small.
195
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,800
Was it?
196
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,360
Oh, yeah! Tiny. I mean,
they should call it the Half-enon
197
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,120
because it's half as big as
y-you think it's going to be.
198
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:55,520
Anyway, the point is, Meg,
is that it was really disappointing.
199
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,320
But then, you know, I met Jay,
so you never know.
200
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,120
Yeah.
201
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,200
OK.
202
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,120
Thank you, Alison.
SHE SIGHS
203
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,400
OK, yeah.
I'm gonna go and give it another go.
204
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,800
Erm... Did you want to talk about
Greece any more?
205
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,880
Oh... Yeah!
206
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,960
So we went out into the harbour,
207
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:23,160
erm, Jay got one of those
local pitas.
MEG SIGHS
208
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,560
Here we go. Let's get back in
and forget the fishmen.
209
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,680
The environments are stunning.
210
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:36,560
It's like the lighting is more
volumetric than actual lighting.
211
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,880
These particle effects are the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
212
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,720
And I truly mean that.
213
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,840
And I'm only talking quietly because
my daughters are in the room.
214
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,320
Oh, how are they both?
215
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,120
They're great. And I've made some
adjustments over recent months.
216
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,160
I've taken stock of my life
as both a father and a husband
217
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,120
and I'm way more present for them
now.
218
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,200
Also, my youngest, Freya,
she's almost walking.
219
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,800
No way?! "Yep."
220
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:05,320
Any day now she'll be taking her
first steps. We're all very excited.
221
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,120
Well, I've done my quota
for the day.
222
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,680
Crates - I cannot get enough
of them. I mean, I can, obviously,
223
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,080
but equally, I have blown through
my entire salary for the month.
224
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,600
Right.
Which means no more crates for me!
225
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,160
Amongst other things -
food, rent, travel. Bleurgh!
226
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,600
I'm just thinking, "Do I liquidate
my ISA and convert it straight
into Kingdom Crowns?"
227
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,800
Absolutely not. Yeah, I know.
HE TUTS
228
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:27,960
Difficult one.
229
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:32,240
Right! Harbour Town,
a whole new area. A new start.
230
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,200
Focus on the positives and let...
231
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,640
Oh, my fat fucking personal Christ!
232
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,080
They're everywhere!
Guys! It's me! It's Russell!
233
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,640
Did you hear the good news?
234
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,040
You know Drake, the singer
with the really neat beard?
235
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,960
He's gone and done a funny TikTok
of him playing Kingdom Scrolls
with the big fishman!
236
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,720
It's got a massive 11 million views!
237
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,000
Do the carpman
238
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,680
Shake your fins for me
239
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,680
Shake your fins for me
240
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,320
Shake your fins for me
241
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,560
Oh, Drake,
what the fuck have you done?
242
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,040
Shake your fins for me
243
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,880
SHE LAUGHS
Do the carpman!
244
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,720
God, and this is actually
him playing?
245
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,600
Is it?
LAUGHTER ON PHONE
246
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,640
Oh, God!
247
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,360
Listen to him!
248
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,760
Drake - he's braying!
249
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,440
Yeah, he is. He's honking,
like an actual drake.
250
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,320
I mean, this is great, Meg.
251
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,440
It's everywhere!
Your game is finally cool.
252
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,440
Not finally, obviously.
No, I mean, it's always been cool.
253
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,520
Not like that other one.
Age of Conan.
254
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,320
Oh, fuck Age of Conan! Pfft!
255
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,480
It's so played out! Yeah.
256
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:44,280
No, it's great. It's great, right?
You know, brings the kids in.
257
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,880
A whole new generation of players.
258
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,680
So Christmas
is just around the corner.
259
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,680
Who'd like to buy a bag of ties?
260
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,880
OK, Nicky, two things...
One, it's March,
261
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,520
two, is this about the crates?
HE LAUGHS
262
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,280
Alison, erm,
I don't mean to play hardball,
263
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,480
but, er, the clock is ticking
on the ties.
264
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,720
Don't think I haven't already had
a little nibble on Facebook.
265
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,880
Lot of interest.
Some very desirable ties.
266
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,360
I don't want to buy your ties,
Nicky. I want you to get help.
267
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,520
The only help I need
is at the bottom of a crate.
268
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,800
Apparently my seven-year-old nephew
is into Kingdom Scrolls
269
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,960
and he wants me to buy him
some Kingdom Crowns.
270
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,440
So, can one of you help me?
271
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,560
How... Show me how? Sorry.
272
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,160
How much in Kingdom Crowns?
273
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,800
Oh, I don't know. 15 quid?
274
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,040
Yeah. Yeah. No, sure,
I'll sort that. I can do...
275
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,560
Send me his game tag and I'll, erm,
276
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,680
I'll take care of him. It.
I'll take care of it for him.
277
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,840
OK.
278
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,800
Listen, erm, you know that guy Jay
I was telling you about?
279
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,960
Not the one who's in prison? What?!
280
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,560
You told me about some guy
who's in prison.
281
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:50,200
Nicky, I was telling you about
the Moors Murderer Ian Brady.
282
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,160
Ah, yeah.
283
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,400
Anyway, Jay,
the guy I met in Greece,
284
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,600
he wants me to meet
some of his friends
285
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,480
and I'm a bit nervous
about going on my own,
286
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,440
so I was wondering -
I mean, you're probably not -
287
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,840
but, erm, he's having a gathering...
288
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,760
Oh! Oh, erm...
289
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,040
Oof!
290
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,920
Oh, this is terrible,
but, erm, I don't think I can,
291
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,400
and I've just completely blanked
on why.
292
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,560
OK. That's weird,
because I'm the same.
293
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,560
These friends of Jay's,
they're, er,
294
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,600
they haven't got jobs, have they?
295
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,400
Office jobs? I'm not selling them
your fucking ties, Nicky.
296
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,680
Nicky?
297
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,760
How may I help? Erm, did you
leave this on the photocopier?
298
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,200
Er...
299
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,520
Don't think so.
300
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,640
Right, just cos it's got a little
map and it's pointing to your desk
301
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,600
and there's a drawing of you
and it's saying "Everything must
go."
302
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,520
Weird.
303
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:01,360
Having said that,
is there anything here at all
that piques your interest?
304
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,360
I've got a satsuma. Good price.
305
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,680
Deodorant.
These little coloured paperclips
make the perfect gift for a dad,
306
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,680
or a bureaucrat.
And it's all just 89p.
307
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:16,280
Also, I do have a range
of work and leisure socks.
308
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,240
Erm, I don't want
any second-hand socks, thanks.
309
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,640
OK.
310
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,560
Nice watch. Thanks.
311
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,800
My parents bought it for me
when I graduated.
312
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,040
Would you like it gift wrapped?
313
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,440
MYSTICAL MUSIC
314
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,720
Welcome, kids, Drake fans.
315
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,600
Welcome to our server.
Help yourself to a moon fruit.
316
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,760
You know, even my eldest daughter's
started playing Kingdom Scrolls.
317
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,920
It's so nice that we're finally able
to do something together.
318
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,720
Honey, are you still back there?
319
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,000
Just grinding on, Daddy.
That's my girl.
320
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,120
So, what's got two thumbs
and just robbed and then killed
Alison's nephew?
321
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,560
Nicky, you stole from him?
He's a child!
322
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,520
He is indeed, Meg, yes. I killed her
nephew to feed my crate addiction.
323
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,000
It's actually a pretty decent scam.
Allow me to demonstrate.
324
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,040
I built a small facility,
the Merch Stand.
325
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,760
Now, Russell, would you like
some free Drake merch?
326
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,600
Er, yes! I fucking love Drake!
He's Canadian.
327
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,160
OK, sport. That'll be 75
Kingdom Crowns, please.
328
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,200
Hang on, where's the merch?
329
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,800
Then, once he's inside,
push the button and...
330
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,800
SCREAMING
331
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,080
..instant death.
332
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,280
Oh, I get it! No, nice one!
333
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,480
That...
That was a really creative mugging.
334
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,040
That is right in my top five.
335
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:41,160
Nicky, you can't just go around
killing all the children, OK?
We need to welcome them.
336
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,520
The new generation.
Grow the user base.
337
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,040
"I'd kill them all
if I had the capacity."
338
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:49,240
Think of the cold, hard pocket money
we could pry from their lovely warm
little hands.
339
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,600
"He makes a compelling point."
340
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,880
I don't wanna go telling tales
out of school here,
341
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,160
but I happen to know an
eight-year-old,
342
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,640
not a million miles away,
343
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,640
who's sitting on over
40 bucks' worth of birthday money.
344
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,560
If only there was some way we could
gather all the children together,
345
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,120
you know, concentrate them somehow.
346
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:08,440
Sure. Just gather them all
into an area or camp.
347
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:13,320
Hm. Yeah. You mean a kind of
concentrated camp?
348
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,920
Oh, if only there was a name
for that... "OK, Meg. Not like
that."
349
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,920
Don't try and make this
into a genocide.
350
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,040
OK, no. I'm all for a bit of fun,
but that is just blitz trolling.
351
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,240
Ahem! Hey, kids!
Welcome to Kingdom Scrolls!
352
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,520
I'm Greta Longstocking,
one of the Elders, for my sins!
353
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,080
Not to come across all, erm,
Jonathan Blow,
354
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,200
but, er,
you're playing it all wrong.
355
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:40,240
There's actually a plague,
so if you'd like to all follow me
to Mr Fothergill's Apothecary!
356
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,320
"Piss off, Grandma!"
"Die in a hole, you old woman."
357
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,520
"Fuck off back to RuneScape,
neckbeard."
358
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,440
"Eat dick,
you million-year-old hag."
359
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,200
FOREBODING MUSIC
360
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,520
Oh, Jesus Christ! Nicky!
361
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,000
Yeah, no, I'm fine, thanks, Alison.
ALISON SIGHS
362
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,360
I sold my ties, Alison. Mm.
363
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,560
To a man in the hallway.
364
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,840
And then I had a meeting at work.
365
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,040
I didn't have anything to wear
round my neck, so I, er,
366
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,880
I wore a dressing gown belt.
367
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,040
Oh, Nicky.
368
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,800
£19 for all the ties
in my wardrobe
369
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,040
equates to 24 Kingdom Crates.
370
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,000
This isn't a life, Alison, not
really.
371
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,880
Grubbing around for Kingdom Crowns
like a slum-dweller
372
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,720
and then blowing it all
on an imaginary pair of flip-flops.
373
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,680
OK.
374
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,720
Well...
375
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,280
..let's break it down. Thanks.
376
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:50,240
Er, what is it you're trying to get?
377
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,360
HE SIGHS
Well,
378
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:55,600
ultimately, I'd like the
legendary Knife of the Windseeker.
379
00:18:55,600 --> 00:19:01,040
Sure. But what is it
you're really trying to get?
380
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,800
I guess I really want
a golden harpoon.
381
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:07,400
No, forget the harpoon.
What is this really about,
382
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,520
deep down?
383
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,560
What it's really about,
if I'm being totally honest,
384
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:15,640
is the infinity satchel.
385
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,920
Oh, fuck the satchel, Nicky!
386
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,960
Fuck it! Who cares?
It's just a bag with a strap.
387
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,520
No, it is. It is.
It's about the harpoon.
388
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,680
On a psychological level, Nicky,
what is this about?
389
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,280
Oh, psychologically?
390
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,480
Well, obviously, it's about
feeding my compulsion loops.
391
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,720
So, anyway, have you got 89p?
392
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,600
No. Sorry, Nicky, I don't.
393
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,000
So I got to thinking...
Oh, my God! Meg!
394
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,200
..maybe it's not my game any more.
395
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,360
Kingdom Scrolls.
396
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,440
Maybe it's their playground now.
397
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,000
Generation Fortnite.
398
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,080
So I was going to say,
399
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,400
may...
400
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,880
I... Sorry.
401
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,880
Erm, I was going to say,
402
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,000
maybe I will come with you
to that thing
403
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,160
with you and, erm,
404
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,080
that man from Greece.
405
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,200
Oh, Meg!
406
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,680
No, yeah, I'm excited.
407
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:21,080
I feel a bit dizzy when I think
about it. A little bit, erm,
408
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,560
I don't want to say nauseous,
but you know what I mean? Yeah.
409
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,520
No. Yeah.
410
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,800
Erm, we're going on a walk
out to a country pub!
411
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,040
Perfect.
412
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:36,400
And that'll take up, er, what,
60-slash-70 percent of my day?
413
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,640
Er, about that, yeah. Oh, hooray.
414
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,320
I'll, er,
I'll lend you some wellies.
415
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,240
Yay.
416
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,640
Wellies.
417
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,200
Wellies for the pub walk.
418
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,120
Yeah.
419
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:59,360
So, erm, presumably, we'll be
talking most of the way, then, will
we?
420
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,360
Probably, yes.
421
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,560
They're just such beautiful trees.
Mm.
422
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,760
I love how muddy and bright it is
and how much it stinks.
423
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,960
Hi, everyone!
424
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,320
I'm Alison
425
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,680
and this is Meg. Hello, all.
426
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,680
Let's, erm...
427
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:19,960
..walk.
428
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,120
Let's walk and talk. OK.
429
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:27,160
Isn't it beautiful here? Yeah, it's
lovely. Lovely trees everywhere.
430
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,360
There's so many.
This one is one of my favourites.
431
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,960
This is a willow.
DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS
432
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,760
So, how's... No way!
433
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,160
Absolutely not!
Fuck this woodland bullshit!
434
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,120
I think your friend's running away.
435
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,840
Yeah. I think she is.
Fuck all of it!
436
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,840
My God!
How did it come to this, Nicky,
437
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,920
letting young foreign boys
ride you for money?
438
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,600
I'm a crate fiend, Usman.
I'm beyond humiliation.
439
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,680
Still, even crackheads
don't do donkey rides.
440
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,040
There has to be a line. Not for me.
441
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,280
So go ahead, jump aboard.
Only 89p a time.
442
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,600
No, thank you, man.
443
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,720
Because it's more than this little
Arizonian heart of mine could bear.
444
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,040
I'll have a go!
445
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,680
Ah, this is amazing!
446
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,400
What else does it do? I mean,
you're already riding around on me.
447
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,600
Does it jump? I don't know.
It might break my back.
448
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,320
Yeah, but it's not your real back!
Jump over that wall!
449
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,120
OK, you know what?
This actually looks quite fun.
450
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,320
Nicky, could I buy a ride
for my daughter?
451
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,480
Guys, I've been thinking
452
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,320
and it's time to take our game back.
453
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,560
MARCHING BAND MUSIC
454
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,200
Hey, kids,
welcome to Drake's Live Show!
455
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,080
Come on in.
456
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:47,000
OK, Usman, now!
457
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,800
ROARING & SCREECHING
458
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,440
Welcome to hell, kids!
459
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,400
The concentrated camp!
460
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,280
This'll knock the fucking edges
off them. Great idea, Meg.
461
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,000
Industrialised child slaughter
equals items, equals Kingdom Crowns,
equals Kingdom Crates,
462
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,920
equals items,
and on and on and on it goes.
463
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,240
Like a rat in a trap. The trap being
my addiction, but, er, what a trap!
464
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,160
Right, let's keep rounding them up.
465
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:16,280
Show these clueless newbie fucks
what Kingdom Scrolls is really all
about.
466
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:17,760
God, I fricking love this game!
467
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,160
Me, too, Usman!
468
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,560
Daddy, am I in the right place
for the Drake show?
469
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,760
Uh-huh. He'll be on stage
any second, sweetie.
470
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,360
GROWLING
471
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,400
SHE SCREAMS
472
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,280
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
473
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,960
Five
474
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,160
Four
475
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:51,600
Three
476
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:56,560
Two, one
37423
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