All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e11_English

♪

ALI SULTAN: Stand-up comedy
is a very new thing

in the Middle East.

Most of my family,

the closest thing they
can compare it to is a clown.

So like,
"Oh, you're like a clown

without a--like a big nose,
then, huh?"

I'm like,
"Yeah, sure."

MARLENA RODRIGUEZ:
Being Hispanic,

there's so many
gender roles,

there's so much you can
or cannot do this

entirely just
because you are a woman.

I would ask why
can't I do the things

that my brothers are doing
and I would be told,

"Because you're a girl."

It's not really a reason.

♪

ALI: I don't really
see myself

as a Middle Eastern comedian.

Like, when I wake up
and I look in the mirror,

I don't see labels.

I just see who I am.

And then as soon
as I leave the house,

I'm open for interpretation.

I've never really felt
like a Middle Eastern,

I've always felt like me
and I just wanna be me.

[laughs]

Awful high-five. The worst high
five I've ever seen.

Is this on camera?
Please delete.

My goal is to be out here
not cookie-cutter

of what everyone
wants that to be.

I wanna take that
to the next level,

I wanna have my own show.

Oh yes, I also wanna have
like a lot of husbands.

Like, I think my second
husband is gonna be the one.

The fourth one will just
be a thing when I was older

and wanted to support
another human being

because I had so much money.

And I feel good about that.

[audience applause
and cheering]

WOMAN: Please make some
noise for Marlena Rodriguez.

♪

[laughing]

Thank you.

Oh.

Hi, everyone.
I'm so excited to be here.

[audience cheering]

Thank you for also being
excited to be here.

Uh, my name is Marlena

and I'd love
if you guys remembered it.

Uh, a great way to do
so is backwards,

it's "anelram."

[laughing]

My last name is Rodriguez
but I'm actually not Hispanic,

yeah.
I'm Her-spanic.

[laughing]

When I go to the bar,
I drink whersky.

Or tequherla.

When I go the gym,
I get cherseled.

That's chiseled,
but for girls. Yeah.

It's when your vagina pumps a
bunch of iron, gets very strong.

Uh, and then you get a better
grip on that [bleep].

[laughing]

Which is very important to me
because I give a lot of handjobs

and I do a very special
move when I give

a handjob where
I use my vagina, so...

[laughing]

So I'm very good at them.

I know I don't look
very Herspanic

since I'm not wearing
a hat made of bananas.

[laughing]

You know, that makes it very
difficult for some of you, so.

But, uh, my parents also
didn't teach us Spanish.

I think they really
wanted us to assimilate,

which is why we spent
so much time bowling.

[laughing]

You know, bowling,
the only sport

nobody takes seriously
at all in any way

until the exact moment
they have to do it?

[laughing]

If there's something about
throwing a giant marble

at what is essentially
10 baby legs that suddenly,

you have [bleep] to prove.

And it's always the same.
It's always like, "Oh, my God.

It's so random that we ended
up here on a Friday.

I mean, who even cares, right?
Okay, don't even care.

So I'm gonna take my turn.
Here I go."

[laughing]

[inhales]

[laughing]

Whew.

Yes.

Yes.

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

This is why I'll never meet
my real stepdad.

[laughing]

My parents
were I think as supportive

as immigrants can be.

They couldn't really
look at me and be like,

"You can't just go
outside the box.

Because they had always
been working outside the box.

My mom is a personal
trainer and fitness guru.

And my dad's always been
an entrepreneur.

So together, they actually
opened their own gym

for a while.

Uh, later, we, uh, lived in it,

but that's a different story.

My dad did say,
"You need a backup plan,"

but just like any dumb
high school kid,

I was like, "No. This is it."

And it is it.
Isn't that insane?

I'll never forget
the first time I got my period.

'Cause it was the last time
my dad ever asked the question,

"What's new?"

[laughing]

And the first thing you have to
do is you have to cover it up

like some kinda
crime scene, you know.

And you got two options,
you've got pads and tampons.

Now tampons are a gift from God.

Okay, they are tiny, they
are clean, they are invisible.

You set it and forget it, okay?

But pads are from the Devil.

Okay, they are big and bulky.
And when you put one on,

it looks like somebody
ran up to you and was like,

"Here, hide this bag of rice!"

[laughing]

I know exactly
where to put it and...

[laughing]

Put in here
and be in middle school.

And so I wanted to--I wanted
to use tampons so bad,

but my mom wouldn't let me
because there's this stigma

like if you're
a--if you're like, uh,

a pre-teen
or a young teen girl,

using a tampon you're a whore.

And so, I had to wait
a few years and, I did.

And the day finally came along
where my mom was gonna teach me,

but for an unrelated reason,
I was grounded.

And my punishment was now
I was gonna have to teach myself

how to put in a tampon.

[laughing]

She was like, "It's easy. Okay?

Just put it inside yourself."

And I was like, "Great. Cool.

Easy. Quick question,

there's an inside myself?"

[laughing]

So I had to use
the instructions,

which was terrible because I was
just sitting on the toilet

just trying to get it
to go into like any hole

that would take it, you know.
Like, kind of like that toy

where like the square
goes in the square hole,

the triangle goes
in the triangle hole,

like, "Don't touch
your butthole."

[laughing]

My parents
are the most Hispanic

white people you will ever meet.

In that they
are Hispanic and not white,

but boy would they love to be.

At the dinner table,
it was always a fight

to see who
had the funniest joke.

I always wanted to be
as funny as my dad

and as funny as my brothers.

I first discovered comedy
at UCB Theatre in New York.

On the show that night
was Amy Poehler.

And she did this scene
where she was running it

and she was being the funniest
person in the room.

And it was so incredible
to see a woman

just hold that much power
over a bunch of men

and it just felt like,

"Oh, man.
I wanna do that."

[laughing]

I'm single.

[cheering]

Yeah. I'm single.

I'm single but I'm ready
to Christian mingle.

[laughing]

That's just when you've
been single for so long

you're ready to date
someone who believes in God.

[laughing]

That's how bad it is.

Uh, but here's why
I'm single, okay?

I'm gonna ask
you guys a question,

I want you to answer
back with but please

be honest with me
and with yourself.

Where are my single men
with their [bleep] together at?

[laughing]

Yeah. They nodded.

These men do not exist.

I am more likely to [bleep]
the Easter Bunny

than just meet a guy
who in the past six years

has been to the dentist.

[laughing]

That's what we're dealing
with, okay?

So we just settle for
a man we affectionately

call "fine" and we move on.

And we live in denial
with our friends.

Like, we'll be talking to
our friend and we're like...

[laughing]

He prefers to live in a tent.

[laughing]

Does not define him.

Or, uh, my favorite in the case
of Disney's Aladdin, yeah, okay,

he said he was a prince
and he was really a street rat.

That happened.

Okay but it is not a
deal-breaker that he can't

afford shirts, only vests.

[laughing]

Aladdin taught us to settle.

Aladdin showed us to settle.

Because Jasmine stays
with Aladdin even though

he totally
Joe Millionaire'd her.

[laughing]

Remember Joe Millionaire?
Anybody remember Joe--

it was, uh, yeah, it was
a--please don't clap for it.

Uh, you'll see why.

So it was like The Bachelor
but before The Bachelor,

and what they did was they took
these 20 women

and they made them
compete for this man

who they said was a millionaire,

and then all the women
were like, "Woo."

It was a lie.

He was just a construction
worker off craigslist

and then
we all watch feminism die.

It was a very good show.

[laughing]

So Jasmine finds out Aladdin
is just some random hobo

in parachute pants
with a hover rug.

And she just has to be like,

"You know, I actually love
paying for things."

'Cause we all know
that if you lie to a woman

and then tell her the truth
and she's not cool with it,

well, then she's crazy.

[laughs]

We're only allowed
to be two things.

[laughs]

Happy. [laughs]

And not on my period.
[laughs]

[screams]

Today's actually a good day.

It is a good day.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Feel like as ladies
at any moment we should be

entitled to just--in
the middle of [screams]

[laughing]

Maybe we just need
to do that really quickly,

kinda get it out there--
ladies, can you join me

in a quick
one-two-three ah, okay?

Ready, one two, three...

[screaming]

Yeah, and that's what it feels
like to be a woman.

[laughing]

So you can't do it out loud.

People will be like,
"What's wrong?"

And I'll be like,
"No, it's just my face."

And they'll be like, "No,
you look very, very worried."

It's gotten me in trouble,
like, in writer's rooms.

Where someone will be like,
"Why are you looking at me

like that?" And I'll be like,
"Oh yeah, yeah.

That's just my face.
It's very expressive."

Like, oh, it's,
uh, ugh, it's a problem.

It's really bad after sex.

It is super bad after sex.

What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

It's just my face.

It's really bad [laughs]

I can get away
with a lot with just,

like, some looks.
I can get away with looks.

And I have--I
just--I have so much fun

in those moments where
I'm not say anything

and I'm just be in my body
and acting it out.

God, I mean,
I feel alive.

Being single isn't so bad,
though.

You know, it just means you
have to take care of yourself.

And I do. I did today.

Uh, I took care of myself today,
I went to dominos.com,

ordered myself a medium
two-topping pan pizza,

pulled up the pizza tracker,

masturbated to the progress.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Just went to town
on that toolbar, you know.

'Cause there is no better
feeling than both

you and your pizza coming.

[laughing]

It doesn't get better.

I went to Chicago
and did Second City's Program.

Our last assignment of the,
uh, semester was stand-up.

And I remember I worked so,
so hard on it,

this was like--this was gonna
be like my big push.

And I found it to just
be so freeing to be writing

my own stuff,

and then to go ahead and do it
on stage

and it did really, really well,
like I'd--I pulled it off.

And the feeling of standing up
there alone

and getting all the laughter
that I'd heard with people,

like in improv, but being
alone was just like,

"This is way better."

I don't know, I feel
like men tend to romanticize

female masturbation
and really make it

into something that it's not.

Like, I feel like you guys
think of it

as like beautiful
waterfall.

[laughter]

Romantic sunsets.

Fields of flowers blooming
in slow motion,

no.

It's a lot more like
a violent guitar solo just...

[laughter]

Guitarist tends to sneeze
but can't.

So it was
the--that was the aftershock.

[laughter]

Did it suddenly
get so hot in here

or did my period just end...

Forever?

I actually met
a producer from 30 Rock.

He read my stuff
and I got hired.

And I moved to New York in,
like, two weeks

which was an absolutely
insane opportunity.

I'd actually made a goal
for myself

that I wanted
to work with Tina Fey

and then about
a year later, I was.

It was insane.

First times are the worst.

They're the worst because
you never know what's happening.

That's the whole nature of it.

But, ladies, do you
remember the first time a guy

put his fingers in
your mouth and you realize

he was trying to turn you on?

[laughter]

There it is.
There it is right there.

Yeah, she's losing it.
We can't forget it.

It's our 911, guys.

[laughter]

I wanna say you're laughing
so hard, I'm so sorry

about what happened to you.

The keyword
is realized, okay,

because nobody explains
that to us.

You know, when the nurse
is teaching sex ed,

she's not there with a diagram
of the female body just like,

"All right.
Well, these are breasts.

They are for feeding
your future children.

And this is the vagina,
it's for life and procreation.

And this is the mouth.

[breathes]

[laughter]

Listen, um,

men have convinced themselves
this is a second vagina.

[laughter]

Do your best.
I got nothing for you.

[laughter]

So, when it happened,

I had no idea
and all I had was instinct,

it looked exactly like this.

[laughter]

It got even more confusing
when his [bleep] showed up.

[laughter]

'Cause then when I knew
I was supposed to touch but I,

still had no idea how.
So, I was like,

"That's fine. [chuckles]

We'll just go all
confidence on this one.

[laughs]

[laughter]

[laughter]

Come.

[laughter]

Come.

What do you mean it hurts?

[laughter]

This is what Jeeves
told me to do.

Yes, the internet butler
from 2001.

[laughter]

And that was one of those guys
and we all have this person,

um, in our life,
always usually an ex,

but that person who their face
just pops into your mind

for just a quick hot second.

And you're just
immediately like, "No!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

No, no, no, no way.

[laughter]

Thank you guys so much. Bye.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Marlena Rodriguez,
everybody.

Being on stage
is truly the only place

that I feel like myself.

I have the freedom to talk
about what I want.

I want to get
to the point where

I've just got a bunch
of people agreeing with me

with their laughter.

[laughing]

And it's not about being right,
but it is about,

you know, essentially
an audience is going,

"I see you and I hear you."

WOMAN: We are gonna get
your next comic up on stage,

Ali Sultan.

[cheers and applause]

Hello.
How are you guys doing?

[cheers and applause]

Good to be here.
Thank you for coming.

I was, uh,
I was outside of, uh, like

just outside,
I was just outside

and I was waiting for my Uber
and there were two men

engaged in a passionate
conversation.

And then they noticed me
there and they got quiet.

And then one of them said,
"Where are you from?"

Like super aggressive.

And that's like
that's code for

"I wanna stereotype you,

but I'm not sure
where you're from."

[laughter]

"Can you help a brother out?"

[laughter]

That's what that is.

And I'm like,
"I've been here for 15 years,

"I'm an American,
like I know my people.

"My people are very bad
at geography."

And I use that to my advantage
to throw them off.

I made up a place
that doesn't exist.

I said, "I'm from Cocolaconko."

[laughter]

And the guy looked confused
and he said,

"Is that in Saudi Arabia?"

[laughter]

And then his friend
laughed at him,

tapped him on his shoulders,

and he said, "No, you idiot.

"That is in Africa."

[laughter]

I know my people.
[laughs]

I took them further.

I said, "You guys that's not,
you're not right.

"You should go home
and Google Cocolaconko.

"Here's how you
spell Cocolaconko."

[laughter]

And then I went home,

and then I made a page
on the internet...

[laughter]

for Cocolaconko,

I just made a page.

There's a link, so,
in case they'd look it up,

they'll find this link.
They'd click on it

and it's gonna say,
"Cocolaconko is the world's

"smallest island located
in the Bermuda Triangle."

[laughter]

"And the largest exporter
of coconuts."

[laughter]

Official language,
Hebrew and Spanish.

- Why not, right?
- [laughter]

Population 300, also the
inspiration for the movie "300".

[laughter]

And it says Cocolaconko
is known for its slogan,

"Come for the coco,

"but don't forget to get loco,
l'chaim."

[laughter]

It's fun.

There's are times that I go

like in towns of 500,

I do the road
and then there would be like

people that haven't
even seen a black guy.

I was like, "Oh, you'd
definitely haven't seen

"a Yemeni dude, then,"
you know.

And whether you like it or not,

you're kind of an ambassador.

I'm not trying to like
antagonize a crowd

or I'm not
coming from anger.

I'm just trying
to make people laugh

over something that
I went through or observe.

I definitely have that
unique perspective to share.

Deeply in love.

- I'm in love, man.
- [cheers and applause]

I'm scared.
I'm so in love

that I accidentally proposed
to my girlfriend

which you should plan for sure.

[laughter]

Like, I can't even afford
guacamole on my burrito

like I have no business
proposing to people.

[laughter]

But, I was caught
in this beautiful moment

where I knew she was like
my--I don't wanna use it.

It's soul mate,
I know she was my soul mate,

like, I know this
was the person for me, forever.

Here's the moment,
it's beautiful,

but it's, kind of, gross.

[laughter]

I had a mint in my mouth.

And for some reason,
I had the urge to spit that

mint onto her mouth.
I don't know why,

but it was the urge

and I'm that comfortable
with her that I asked her.

I said, "Hey, open your mouth."

[laughter]

And she did right away
which is the level of trust

you need in a marriage.

[laughter]

And I spat the mint
[makes sound]

and I missed
and it landed on her face.

- [laughter]
- And it was stuck.

And then she picked it up.
This was the moment.

She picked it up.
She gave it to me

and she said,
"Try again, Sweetie."

- [laughter]
- And I thought, this is it.

That's love at its best,
like, if you just, you know,

look past the weird thing,
it's beautiful.

She accepted me for who I am

and then she encouraged me
to go further

and we tried five more times.

[laughter]

And then we made it
because we're not quitters

and then we high fived.

And then I was, like, "Babe,
do you wanna get married?"

And she's like, "No."

- [laughs]
- [laughter]

Sucked.

I'm happy to be in like
in a healthy relationship,

uh, you know, it used to be
really tough for me

to talk to the opposite sex.

I was born in Yemen.

I grew up in a very conservative
small town

where it was not
socially acceptable

to talk to the opposite sex.

It was not socially acceptable
to mingle,

which is at scale
you shouldn't have, you know.

Right? How else are you gonna,
you know, find a person?

Like, I didn't know.
And then I came here

and I had a big crush in school

and I didn't know
how to talk to her,

so I just stared at her
for a year.

[laughter]

And then on the last day
of school, I thought to myself,

"Listen, if I get rejected,

"I got the summer off.

"I could convince my parents
to move me

"to a different school,
it will be fine."

And then I wrote a little poem,
I had it memorized

and I walked up to her
and she was cleaning her locker

and then I froze
and I said,

"I like you,"
like I screamed it too loud.

[laughter]

And she said, "What?"

And then I said,
"I like you." I whispered.

You shouldn't whisper.
[laughs]

- It's creepy.
- [laughter]

And then she said,
"I'm so sorry.

"I have a boyfriend."

And I didn't mean to say this,
but I said,

"I don't care."

[laughter]

I mean, she didn't know
what to do.

So, she opened her locker

and then she pointed on the--

like a poster of a man
and then she said,

"That's my boyfriend."

And then I said,
uh, an Arabic proverb that says,

[speaks Arabic]

but, it's, like,
it's innocent in Arabic,

but it doesn't translate well.
I said--

I said you're gonna regret this.
It's not...

- [laughs]
- [laughter]

[cheers and applause]

It doesn't--

it's like an egomaniac proverb,

but in America, that's a threat.

It's...

I was born in Sana'a,
Yemen.

I lived there until I was nine,

then I lived in Ethiopia
for another four years,

and then I came to Minnesota,

and still live in Minnesota.

The first time
I discover stand-up,

I was watching Conan O'Brien.

I was watching
"The Late Night Show"

and then they had
a stand-up comedian

and then I looked at him
and I was, like,

"Whoa, like, that's me."
Not me as a person,

but that's like a kindred spirit
like that's what I feel like.

He embodied what I felt like
inside and I was like,

"I wanna do that." That's--
it's just--it was so beautiful.

And then I started
writing jokes,

I was 14, 15,
just like learning English.

The first time I went on stage
it felt right.

I was like, "This is it."

My mom got married
in a year and a half ago.

This is her fourth marriage

because it's never late
to find your soul mate.

[laughter]

And I said, "Congrats, Mom.

"You're the first Muslim woman
to have four husbands."

[laughter]

"You're the Rosa Parks
of the Middle East.

"Congrats."

[cheers and applause]

My mom is a Muslim, like I said.

I'm not like a good Muslim.

I--but I pretend to be one.

I believe in God.
And then that's--

and everything
is I'm unsure about.

And I don't say that to her.

I just pretend to be a Muslim

'cause I don't want her
to worry about me going to hell.

I lie to her 'cause
I'm a good son.

[laughter]

And I don't know if know
anything about Islam.

It's very thorough,
and it's on a day to day basis.

It's a lot of work.

[laughter]

Like, I have to make sure

I don't gain weight

during the month of Ramadan.

[laughter]

Like, I can't, like,
be in pictures online

that involve alcohol or bacon

'cause that would end
the relationship.

[laughter]

And that's really hard to do
when you're wasted.

[laughter]

And I say this with
the utmost respect.

I wish my mom was like Catholic
or something

'cause that looks easier.

[laughter]

It looks like
an easier thing to do

'cause you can do
a lot of things, right?

Like, I can spend
all my Saturdays

chasing whiskey with bacon.

[laughter]

And I'll show up to church
on Sundays

and there'll be booze there
to help my hangover.

- [laughter]
- It's good.

My mom is like
my personal hero,

because she's
a beautiful soul.

It's like positive despite,
you know,

enduring a lot of obstacles
in her life.

We moved to America
for the same reason

anyone moves here, you know,
like, opportunity.

My mom was huge on education.

She wanted us
to get the best education.

She wanted us
to have fair opportunities.

You know, you can go
to school in Yemen

and graduate as an engineer.

But you'll still
be very unlikely

to get a job
and live to your potential.

Unfortunately to her--for her,
I, uh, I didn't--

I skipped the school in route
and I got into stand-up.

Some people, uh, like,
don't know where I'm from.

And sometimes
they'll say things like,

you know,
Somali or Puerto Rican.

You know, just close enough
a little bit, right?

[laughter]

And it's--yeah, I get that.
I know.

Sometimes they guess
real wrong, like, the cops.

Like, I was once arrested
'cause the cops thought

that I was the Mexican guy
they were looking for.

[laughter]

Which is weird
'cause at the time,

- I was not Mexican.
- [laughter]

It was weird.
A couple I never met

got into an argument.

And the husband
was not a cool person.

He's a bad person.
He attacked his wife.

He slapped her in the face.

The daughter witnessed this

and then she called the cops
on her father.

He saw that.

And then he took off

on his bicycle.

[laughter]

It's like a villain on welfare,

he just took off on his bicycle.

[laughter]

And then at that exact moment,

I was not on a bicycle.

I was just walking
on the sidewalk

just being
all Mexican just...

[laughter]

And when the cops saw me.

They're like, "Yup.
That looks brown enough.

Case closed. We got um."

[laughter]

And they arrested me.
They took my ID.

They took my phone. They put me
in the back of the car.

They drove three blocks,
dropped me off

to this very
confused-looking woman.

And she's like,
"Who the hell is this guy?"

[laughter]

I was like, "Come on. Don't
talk to your husband that way."

[laughter]

And I looked at the cop.
I'm like,

"Dude, you went
to school for this.

Like, you should be
the best at this,

like you should be good, man.

You saw my ID. You read my ID.
You have an Arabic name.

My name is Ali Sultan,
not Alejandro. How do you--

[laughter]

--make that mistake, man.

And then the daughter came out
and she's like,

"That's not my dad."

[laughter]

"That's not my dad."
And I was like, "Nope.

"I'm your dad now.
It's the law."

[laughter]

There's gonna do some changes
around this house.

[laughter]

Rule number one,
no snitching, huh?

[laughter]

First time I applied
for a job, I was 17.

I was going through
the questionnaires

and I stumbled up on a question
that said,

"What race
or ethnicity are you?"

It's for affirmative action.
And then I tried to find,

like, the option that fits.

You know, Arab, Middle Eastern,

brown, whatever, right?

I could not find the option.

[laughter]

But I looked again under white

and I noticed under white
in parenthesis it said,

"including all
Middle Easterners."

And that was one
of the best days of my life.

[laughter]

I liked the idea
I was white and privileged.

I was like, "Whoa."

[laughter]

I went ice fishing
for the first time.

[laughter]

And it felt okay, you know.

I own way too many
flannel shirts.

And I think--I think
us white people, right,

we connect on this, right, huh?

[laughter]

This is a leap of imagination,

but I feel like they do that
to keep Jesus white.

[laughter]

It's a good thing
where you're like Jesus,

you know, we're white.

Jesus remains as white,

that's not a bad idea.

So, I don't know
like a lot of people.

I guess people don't know
that the Lord is Middle Eastern.

[laughter]

It's brand new. Like, even,
like, if you read the thing

in the scriptures
and it has the--he had a beard,

like a robe, sandals.

If Jesus comes back,

I can't wait to see,
like, the look.

[laughter]

I can't wait to see the look
on bigoted people

who are scared of Muslim.
They're gonna look at Jesus.

They're gonna be like,
"Why does Jesus look so ISIS-y?

- "I don't..."
- [laughter]

Like, the guy we love
looks like the guy we hate.

I don't know
how I feel about this.

[laughter]

My mom, like,
if she's in a crowd,

I feel weird about saying,
"Hey, I don't really subscribe

to religion the way
that you want me to

or the way you thought I was."

And she said, you know, like,
"As a parent,

"I wanted to see
my kid succeed.

"And at first,
I was not sure about it.

"You know,
I wasn't familiar with it.

"And then when I first saw you,

"I was like, 'Oh, Ali's funny.

"Like, he got this.'
At that point, I believed that,

"you know,
this is the right path for you."

So, she's accepting of it.

[laughter]

When I was in 10th grade,

I was in ESL class
to learn English and stuff

'cause I was just learning
English, like, when I came.

And then the instructor
was talking about 9/11.

And then at one point,
she looked at me and she said,

"They hate us 'cause they're
jealous of our freedom."

And then she kept staring

and that made me
really uncomfortable.

And when I'm uncomfortable,
I laugh.

[laughter]

That's why I'm up here.

Like, that's how
I process things.

I just laugh, you know.

And I laughed,
but I laughed too hard.

[laughter]

Like, it didn't look like
it was out of discomfort.

It looked like I was plotting

against the United States
of America.

[laughter]

She was like, "They hate us
'cause they're jealous

"of our freedom."
And I was like, "Ha, ha."

And she's like, "You see?"

[laughter]

And I lived
in the Middle East.

I lived in Yemen.
And I can tell you this.

Yemen is the freest place
that I've lived in.

And freedom is a little
bit overrated.

Too much of it
can be really terrifying.

Yemen was free,
and I can prove it to you,

'cause we didn't have
an operating government.

[laughter]

The government
was not involved at all.

I've never seen cops.

You can do anything
you wanted to do.

And it's really weird.

I once saw a baby,
like a seven-year-old

smoking a cigarette
just casually, just

no stress
in the world just...

- [makes sound]
- [laughter]

Just casual.

And I had to think
on myself, "Oh, my God.

"Why is he driving this bus?"

[laughter]

That's why we come here.

Not for freedom,
for rules and regulations.

[laughter]

- All right.
- [crowd cheering]

Thank you.

Like nobody wants
to live in a place

where an accountant
can just get a bazooka.

[laughter]

You wanna be in a place
where jaywalking

sometimes has consequences.

[laughter]

This is gonna divide the crowd,
but I think--

I think not all,
but some hardcore republicans

go to war with the Middle East

'cause they're jealous
of our freedom.

[laughter]

'Cause a few are like
a hardcore republican

and you follow, you know,
your-your-your agenda,

the Middle East has
the small government

that you always wanted.

[laughter]

I was--I went to a McDonald's,
like, 2:00 in the morning.

I don't think I was sober.

[laughter]

And I went to that McDonald's
and I got my food.

But I could not leave
'cause the guy ahead of me

was asked to pull up with
his car and wait for his order

blocked the drive-thru
with his car.

He rolled his window down
and then he said,

"No one is leaving
until I get my food first."

And then he got out of his car
and just waited.

And then I thought
I'd negotiate with him.

I got out my car
and I said, "Hey, man.

Could you move?"
He said, "No."

We got into a huge argument.

And then out of nowhere,

things escalated
and then he pulled a gun on me.

And usually like that
would scare me.

Usually,
that's a scary situation.

If I see a gun,
I would be scared.

But at the time,
I was possessed

by the fearless spirit
of Jack Daniels.

[laughter]

And I said, "Go ahead and shoot.

"I'm not scared.

"I'm from Yemen, son."

[laughter]

Which is badly like
the dumbest thing

- I've ever said in my life.
- [laughter]

As soon as that left
my mouth, I was like, "No."

- [laughter]
- "Come back."

Because, like, I didn't come
all the way from Yemen

to die at a McDonald's
drive-thru.

Right?
[laughter]

I was--then I was
scared for sure.

And then he heard
Yemen and then he said,

"You're from Yemen?"
He got excited.

He said, "You're from Yemen?
I am from Palestine.

"Habibi, my brother."
And then he just gave me a hug

with the gun on the back.

[laughter]

And then he said,
"I'm sorry, man. I'm wasted.

"In my apologies,
I'll make it up to you.

"Why don't you follow me
and we'll go back to my place

- "and hang out?"
- [laughter]

And then I was like, "Yeah.
That sounds absolutely safe.

- "Let's do it."
- [laughter]

Fifteen minutes later,
I'm in his apartment.

I'm in his living room.

I'm probably 19 at the time.
I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm in his living
room hanging out.

And then he said,
"Excuse me, bro.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

And then he went to the bathroom

and he took about 20 minutes
in the bathroom.

And the whole time
I'm just looking at

that bag of McDonald's.

And I'm like,
"Man, this would be funny

"if I just take that and leave."

[laughter]

That's the same bag
he almost killed me for.

And I did.
I took it.

I took the bag
and I left a note

and I said, "I'm actually
from Israel, son."

[laughter]

Which technically
is not stealing

'cause God promised me that bag

3,000 years ago.
- [laughter]

You guys have been lovely,
thank you so much.

Have a goodnight.

- [cheers and applause]
- ♪

WOMAN: Ali Sultan, everyone.

- [crowd cheering]
- Yay.

I feel really connected
with the crowd.

You feel it.
You feel loved, you know.

Like, as soon as I'm done,

it's like I've never done a drug
like, uh, coke.

But I feel I would assume
it's the same thing.

It feels very euphoric. Yeah.

It's good.

Hello.

I'm super happy to have a voice

that hasn't been seen before.

Wow.

Thanks for coming.

- Enjoy the show?
- Yeah, of course.

- It was amazing. I'm so happy.
- Thank you. Thank you.

I'm so proud of you.

I aspire to be in a place
where other Yemeni people

would feel encouraged
to do stand-up

where it's not just me.

- Enjoyed the show overall?
Fun?

- That was fun.

- The Jesus one was--

- The Jesus joke was
your favorite?

[laughter]

That's good.
I don't think of comedy,

"Oh, this is not gonna work out
one day,"

'cause I'm gonna keep doing it
until I die.

There's no options,
no, this is it, man.

Don't tell my mom.
This is it. [laughs]

♪