All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E15.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my dad and Barry shared a love

of Philly sports teams...ALL: Oh!

...especially the Eagles...Yes!

...though you wouldn't
always know it

by the way they talked.

The Eagles are a giant
steaming pile of crap.

They need to fire
the coach, G.M.,

and the guy who carts off
the players after
they get injured.

Could he drive any slower?

It's a shame a pig
had to die for this.

I hate my team so much!

What time should I come over
to watch the game on Sunday?

The preshow starts at 10:00.

Don't be late.Okay.

ADULT ADAM: And nothing
mattered more than beating

my dad's best friend's team,
the hated Cowboys.

Lord in the sky,
if he misses this kick,

I promise to live
a just and pious life.

Except on my birthday.

And those evenings
when the Asti Spumante

hits Dolores just right.

Okay-kay-kay,
let's lock arms
to help him aim.

Come on. Come on.

[CROWD CHEERS ON TV]

Yeah!Oho-ho! Yeah!

All right! Never doubted it!

All right!This is on you, big fella.

I'm converting
to whatever Murray is.

Whatever you do, Bill,
don't come crying to us.

I appreciate
your concern,

but I only allow myself
one good cry a year,

and I wasted it
on the death
of my father.

Hello?

Yes, there is a Losery Loser
from Loserville here.

It's for you, Bill.

Unlike the majestic eagle
for which your team is named,

you are not
an honorable creature!

Good day!

[CHUCKLES] We did it.
We're 3 and 7.

Not mathematically
eliminated yet.

Whoo-hoo!

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
the Eagles brought
my dad and Barry together.

Until the following season,

when the unthinkable happened.

Everyone, shut up!

I have an announcement
of international importance!

Barry, what is it?
What's wrong?

Lemme catch my breath.

I ran here from my car.

And you had to go up
three steps.

Oh! Pins and needles!

Throw out that water.
Bring your brother
some Hawaiian Punch.

No, this is
my special water.Bar, what is it?

I just heard
a terrible rumor

that NFL players
are going on strike.

It's not a rumor, moron.

This is the single
most terrible thing
that's ever happened!

I was born in a wagon

and didn't see a dentist
till I was 20, but sure.

Darling,
I can tell you're upset.

Come over here.

Let me nuzzle you
and sing the calm-down song.

If you need me,
I'll be in my room,

punching and kicking
my treasured possessions.

But it's just
a stupid game.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]What did you just say?

You can't hurt me!
Mom's here.

I can't help you.
He's too upset.

Run, Schmoopie, run![ROARS]

Whoa! Aah!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

ADULT ADAM: It was March 31st, 1980-something,

and my mom was playing
her favorite sport,

haggling with salespeople.

So listen up, Deb.

You're gonna take
this coupon,

apply it
to the existing discount,

then hand me the sweater
plus $15.

I'm getting the manager.

Great. Go get Gerald.

[CHUCKLES] It'll give me
time to get mad.

Can we go?

I still have to exist
in this society

even when you're not around.

Erica, I will not pay a dollar
more than the $4

that I've already paid for
that giant bag of new clothes.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
my mom's bargaining
ability had no equal,

with one exception.

Beverly Goldberg?

Oh, as I live and breathe.

Well, unfortunately,
you still do.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, Jane Bales.

If you're wondering
why the sales rack is empty,

it's because this vulture
already picked it clean.

Show her.

Oh, please.

I can get anything
on sale I want.

I once made Chanel honor
a McDonald's gift certificate.

Well, I once forced
my way into Filene's
Basement's basement.

[CHUCKLES]
It was filled

with industrial
air-conditioning equipment,

which I bought for pennies
on the dollar.

I bought our house
for peanuts,

actual peanuts.

The guy worked with elephants,
so it made sense.

Then why are you holding
a blouse listed at full price?

Because my days
of deal hunting are over.

I pay retail now.

[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]

Retail? [CHUCKLES]

But that would give businesses
you support a profit.

Don't care.

I now shop exclusively
at the front of the store.

Seriously?

We speed past
the front of the store.

There's so many happy people
up there.

Smiling, laughing,
happy people.

Well, we only seem happy
because we are.

But how and why?

And why and how?

Simple.
I'm now the top saleswoman

of a high-end French
beauty company called Energe.

It means...Dump truck.

...the vitality of youth.

Exactly.

Wowza. Sales must be good.

They are magnifique,
which means...

Magnifying glass....magnificent.

You were close.The secondary meaning.

I've never seen
an unslashed price tag before.

It's so crisp.

I never even look
at those anymore.

Oh!Mama,

take me to the front
of the store, please.

Never! I mean, we have to go
up there to exit,

but stop poisoning
my baby's mind, Jane Bales.

Fine. Enjoy scraping the
bargain bin for odds and ends.

Au revoir.

And that means
"suck it, losers."

Bye.

Damn it!
Such a beautiful language.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
was feeling down,

Barry called my dad to say,
"What's up?"

Hey, Dad.What's wrong?

Why are you calling?
Were you arrested?

What? No,
I was just wondering

if I should come over
this Sunday.

W-Why?
There's no football.

Wait. Is it your
mother's birthday?

Whatever you got her,
put my name on it.

No, I was just thinking
we could still
hang out and chat.

About old football games?

Sure, or whatever.

You're acting weirder
than usual. I gotta go.

ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,

it seemed
the clock had run out

on Barry's relationship
with our dad,

until a Hail Mary
somehow landed in his lap.

REPORTER: Major news today,
the NFL owners have decided

to finish the season
with replacement players.

[CLICK]I trust you heard the news,

and I'm sure we're
all thinking the same thing.

That this is a vicious ploy
by the NFL

to undermine
labor unions?

No, that I should try out
for the replacement Eagles!

Who better than me?

Someone that's played
organized football before?

So, Barry, you're just gonna
call up the Eagles

and announce
you want to play for them?

I already did that, and
they very rudely informed me

they're having open tryouts.

You're really doing this?

And we're just gonna ignore
the potential

life-altering injuries
you might suffer?

Shh, Matt Bradley.

Men are talking.

Soon, I'll be giving
postgame interviews

in just a towel
and fending off
sexy sideline reporters.

What a fun bunch of steps
to skip!

Well, if nothing else,
your dad will be into it.

I'm doing this solely
for my love of the game.

Bar...This has nothing to do

with my father's
missing love.

Heisman! Hyah!

Look how fast!

Dad, I'm trying out
for the Eagles,

and I want you
to train me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And what's so funny?

You being trained
by Murray?

It's the blind leading
the tragically immobile.

Your father can barely coach
a nacho chip into his mouth.

Look at his shirt.

For your information, Bill,

my dad was a star football
player back in high school.

Did he go
to an all-girls school?

[CHUCKLES] Whoops.
That felt sexist.

Uh, God bless women
and their tiny bones.

Oh, I did it again.

Um, ladies good.

I wasn't a star, but I did do
some long snapping.

Are you serious?
He was the silent hero

of the interior line's
special teams unit?

And I'm gonna follow
in his footsteps.

But I'll be super famous

and will be on the cover
of the first all-male

Sports Illustrated
swimsuit edition.

No chance.
Your mom will kill me.

Mom only hates football
because the helmets
hide our faces.

Come on, Murray,
the boy has clearly
been dreaming about this

for a couple of hours.

Saying no will destroy
his afternoon.

Or possibly ours,
when he throws
one of his famous hissy fits.

Not gonna happen.

Or maybe Murray won't help

because he actually
never played.

[AS MURRAY]
I'm Murray Goldberg.

I love TV and chairs.

[LAUGHS]And everyone's a moron!

Toss me the ball.Wait, wait.

What?What's happening?

And why is he moving?

When I say "go," toss
that pillow across the room.

Oh, my God,
he's breaking in half!

Oh, no,
he's just bending over.

[LAUGHS]Go!

[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHOOSH]

[THUD]

Moses in the reeds!

Was it shot
out of a cannon?

Boom! My dad is,
and always will be,

a super jock.
Right, Dad?

Everybody leave.
You don't want to see me
get out of this.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad
bent over backwards

to prove his friends wrong,

Erica and I were doing
our own problem-solving.

Damn it! Why won't
this stupid thing work?

Probably because
you're hitting it like that.

You got to hit it
like this.

With the whackin' book.

Whackin' book?

It fixes
more than it breaks.

Fear not, children.

Soon Madame Mama will buy you
hundreds of televisions.

That seems like too many.

And why are you dressed
like Sam Kinison?

This outfit is French.

Energe wants their saleswomen
to represent their le brand.

You joined
Jane Bales' company?

More like
Beverly Goldberg's company.

That's what
they're gonna call it

as soon as I outsell
that screechy scarecrow.

Wait. Does that mean
you're no longer

the Quaker Warden
at my school?

I am gonna have to scale back
my hours a little bit

so I can bring home
the French Benjamins,

AKA francs.

Whatever this is,
you have my full support.

Then go get me all the names
and phone numbers

of your friends' moms
so I can hawk them stuff

until they go broke.

Desperate times.
I'll go grab you a pen.

Mom, how much
do you really know
about this Energe?

Only that they're
the finest straight-to-market

French beauty company
around. Why?

I don't know. It just
seems like most jobs
that involve

getting rich quick
are usually scams.

You should be more worried
about the poor saps

I'll be selling to.

[CHUCKLES]
Which reminds me...

There's no chance
I'm giving you
the numbers of anyone I know.

Then I'll just do it
the French way,

through le seduction.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom went to make a sale,

Barry was looking to profit

from my dad's
football expertise.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
Look at this.

Oh, to be young and delusional
about one's athletic ability.

Yep, I'm blessed.

What's first, Coach Dad?

Don't call me that.

And I'm not helping you
until you show me

a tiny bit of skill
and a willingness to listen.

I'll show you
10 times that.

Oh!Professional hike! Oh!

Aw!

I need that mirror!

How will I merge?

That's it. I'm out.

Coach Dad, please,
give me one more shot.

Oh, come on, Mur.

Throw him a tip or two
and see how he does.

[CHANTING]
Throw him a tip.

BOTH: Throw him a tip!

Hey.Throw him a tip!

Okay, fine!
Get in your stance.

Not like that.

Be like, uh, a dog digging up
sand at the beach.

But dogs aren't allowed
on beaches.

It's true,
and if you're caught,
it's a hefty fine.

Beaches can be stressful
environments for dogs,

the heat,
the lack of shade,

and noise can
trigger all sorts of
unfortunate behavior.

I love our furry friends,

but let's keep beaches fun
and safe for people first.

Enough with the beach report.

Just pretend you're a human
digging like a dog
at the beach.

Now, thatI can do.

[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Tuck in your chin.

Raise up your tailbone.

Close your eyes and
imagine the perfect spiral.

Snap at the belt!

Great Vince Lombardi's
ghost!

This is how people felt
watching the moon landing.

It's a massive overstatement,
but it was still surprising.

So, Dad, will you mold me
into a football god

that's a role model
to young kids everywhere?

Even though
that's really a parent's job.

Take it easy, okay?

You had one good snap.
We got a lot of work to do.

[LAUGHING] Oh!
He said "we."
It's happening!

Victory spike!

Whoo!Oh!

ADULT ADAM:
Barry was preparing
for his big NFL tryout,

and every moment was
an opportunity to train.

Hey, Bar,
toss me a plum.

No, no, no, no, no.
Snap it to him.

You know it, Coach Dad.

Plum comin' in!

Boom!

That's a papaya.

Professional hike!

[THUD]Apple.

Yi![GLASS BREAKS]

Pear!Yi!

[CLATTER]Tangelo!

You know what might be
a nice lesson, Coach Dad?

The difference between
a banana and a plum.

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to my dad, Barry was starting to improve.

Hike! And before long...

Hike! ...long-snapping
was a snap.

Ow! So cold!

BARRY: Whoo![BLEEP]

You said we were tasting
ice cream!

Ow!Ew!

Mr. Goldberg, you have
the power to stop this!

Yeah, I do.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
with football to focus on,

Barry and my dad were
back on solid ground.

Nachos... Is it a meal,
is it a snack?

Either way, it's a great way
to celebrate a child

crossing a labor dispute.

There he is.

I got something
I want to give you
before you hit the gridiron.

More hiking knowledge,
Coach Dad?

Better than that.

My old butt towel.

I don't know what to say.

Mostly 'cause I don't
understand what that is.

I used to wear this
when I played,

to wipe off the ball
before I snapped it,

and I want you
to have it.

I'd be honored
to wipe a ball

with the towel
that's been on your butt.

Don't make a father giving
his son his butt towel weird.

Wow. I've never seen your
old man give a gift to anyone.

It's pretty special.

When I win the Super Bowl,

he'll be the second person
I thank,

right after my wife,
Paula Abdul Goldberg.

The person you should
be thanking is
the good Lord above

for watching over you
and making sure

that you are not
violently killed tomorrow.

But long snapper's one of the
safest positions on the field.

There's no such thing
on the cruel
and unforgiving gridiron.

In high school, I got tackled
so hard, I lost three days.

I missed Ann-Margret
on The Flintstones

as Ann-Margrock.

Also, my grandmama's funeral.

You see this dent
in my skull?

I got that
from my time on the turf.

Now I can taste colors
and smell feelings.

[SNIFFING]

Sad.

ADULT ADAM: As Vic and Bill
spooked my brother...

[DOORBELL RINGS] ...my mom was looking

to scare up
a few new customers.

Oh! Judas the Betrayer!

What did you just spray
in my face?

Bon-Bon Boudoir.

It's a skin toner.

I'll put you down
for four bottles.

Is the rest
of the herd here?

Ladies!

[SINGSONG VOICE] I hope
you brought your checkbooks.

[LAUGHS, GASPS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Jane Bales!

Hello, Beverly.

I've heard
that we're co-workers,

which is great,

because every team needs
a scrub.

The only thing I'm going
to scrub is the floor,

with my sales numbers.

This is awkward.

Uh, we just bought
a whole bunch
of stuff from Jane.

Anyway, gotta run,
which I do often.

Hence my exquisite frame.

[CHUCKLES]
Toodles, my poodles.

What the... [BLEEPING]

I was supposed to be the one
to force you

into buying things
you don't want!

We know,
but then Jane arrived,

and she's so pushy
and terrifying.

She said there was
a new sheriff in town,
and it's her.

Then she showed us
an actual badge.

I think
she might be the sheriff.

Are you more scared of her
than you are of me?

Goodness no. No, no.
You frighten
the crap out of us.

I once screamed when I thought
I saw your shadow.

Thank goodness it was just
a circus clown in my driveway.

Good.
Then I'll put you all down

for our new
Rose Petal Body Mist.

Sorry, but I've reached
my spending limit.

Same. I don't want Lou
to give me that unhappy look.

I have a product that'll keep
Lou so happy with your face,

he'll forget
all about your body.

What's wrong
with our bodies?

Nothing
that a super-secret product

that only I have access to
won't fix.

We're not falling for that.

What is it? Tell me!I, too, want to hear about
the super-secret product!

May I present Role-Pole.

That kind of sounds like
"roly-poly."

I don't hear it.

It's a new supplement
designed to help you slim down

without using
an ounce of energy.

I don't know, Beverly.

There's an awful lot
of weird ingredients in here.

What's hummingbird extract?

Relax. I wouldn't sell you
anything I wouldn't
take myself.

Now, come on, let's all look
years younger together.

[LAUGHS]

ADULT ADAM: Soon,
the French mystery pill
was working.

Ah. Really, really working.

My fingers are tingly.

Why is my foot tapping?

It makes you kinda drowsy.

Oh, wait!
Now it's the opposite.

This may sound crazy,

but who's up for
organizing Ginzy's pantry?

Me!So in!

You want to see how high
I can kick?

Yeah!Do it again!

Go!Do it!

Aah!ADULT ADAM: And from there,

things only got weirder.

Nothing like
a little group speedwalk

to help break up the day.

A run
would also feel good.

I'm super cold but sweaty.
Let's run hard.

Linda's just nodding
'cause she can't move
her jaw,

but I say yes, too!

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom was amped,

Barry wasn't exactly pumped
for his tryout.

Why won't Big Tasty
come out?

Because I don't want to die,
you idiots!

Do you see the size
of these guys?

Yeah, Bar.
Football players are large.

That's kinda
what they're known for.

I'm not sure I can go through
with this tryout.

There's my boy.

You came?

You don't come to stuff.

Of course I did,
you moron!

We're in this together!

We arein this together.

I mean,
it's my body out there,

but I can see
how you might have
some interest

in how this all turns out.

Yeah, I do.

Break a leg.

♪♪♪♪

You know, Mur, a week ago,

if you told me that your son
could make the Eagles,

uh, I'd say
you were crazy.

[WHISTLE BLOWS][PLAYERS GRUNTING]

Ew!Oh, my God!

That little guy
got bent in ways
no human should bend!

The human elbow's
not located there.

COACH: Next!Crap.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ADULT ADAM:
It was then Barry realized
he was in too deep.

So, instead of trying out...

Never mind! ...he did this.

Move, please.What's he doing?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]ADULT ADAM:
As Barry was running

from a violent collision...Good hustle.

...my mom was dealing

with a crash of her own.

Nothing!
Who wants to know?

You're acting strange.Oh.

And are you wearing
the same clothes
from yesterday?

Gosh, you're loud.

Why is it so bright
in here?

Were you out all night,
young lady?

I always wondered
what this side
of it felt like,

and it turns out
it's as boring
as I thought.

If you must know, I was up
all night closing deals.

Then I did two exercise videos
and read The Thorn Birds.

That sounds like a lot.

Not when you have
these French wonder vitamins.

They are [SMOOCHES] superbe.

Does that mean
amphetamines?

This article
in today's paper says

that your beauty company
uses speed in its diet pills.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I feel amazing,
and I've barely
eaten or slept in three days.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi! Is your mom in?

We just need
more body-shaping supplements.

You know, for our health?

Uh, Beverly,
your loyal customers are here.

I got cash from the register
at the flower shop.

Yeah, ladies, I don't think
this is a good idea.

Give me more pills now,
please!

No!Aaah!

Are you happy now?

I just wanted to make
some extra dough,

not turn my gal pals
into druggies!

They do look amazing,
though.

Mom, when did making money
become so important?

I don't know. Maybe w-when
we saw Jane Bales at Gimbels.

So, this is all
because you're jealous

that she shops
in the front of the store?

I'm not jealous
that she pays retail.

I'm jealous
that she's got her own money.

I'm jealous
that she doesn't have to worry

about spending
her husband's.

And I'm jealous of the way
you were looking at her.

Mom...Exactly.

I'm a mom.

More than anything,
a mom who wants to be

a role model
for her daughter.

Instead,
I'm just a drug dealer.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Open the freakin' door now!

ADULT ADAM: My mom
was ready to give up her
dream of financial freedom,

but not before Erica
could make a big sale.

Mom, if you have a minute,
I would like to pitch you

a new product
that will change your life.

[SIGHS]Wow! That sounds
like a tall order.

Tell us more.

May I present,

the Bever-le.

It looks amazing.

What does
the Bever-le do?

Well, the real question is,
what doesn'tshe do?

Hmm?She runs a household,
she works at a school,

and she cares
for three ungrateful children.

They look terrible!

Except for the young one.

He's got
a Harrison Ford quality.

Stick to the script,
or I will hurt you.

B... Clearly, the Bever-le
must have help.

You would think so,
but this is her life partner.

She accomplished all that
tied to a human anchor
in a La-Z-Boy?

What's the catch?

Well,
there is one thing.

Sometimes the Bever-le
is prone to questioning

whether or not
she sets a good example
for her daughter.

If that happens,
what do you do?

Well, you assure her that
you can't think of a stronger,

more caring,

often terrifying role model
to aspire to,

regardless
of how much money she makes.

[CRYING] I'm the richest woman
in the world!

All of this can be had
for 10 easy payments of...

She's crying, Adam.
We're done.

Oh! That was the greatest
sales presentation ever.

It's easy when you believe
in the product.

You know, um, I still have
some drug money to unload.

What do you say we go buy you
some new clothes

at full price?

♪♪♪♪

Hey!

You drove away
before we could talk.

I brought shame on the family
like a disgraced samurai.

And if I hadn't broken
my sword last year

attacking that anthill,

I would've done
the honorable thing.

Okay. [SIGHS]

So, you're not
a replacement Eagle.

There's no shame
in not wanting
your head knocked off.

So, you're not
disappointed?

Are you kidding?

I had a blast teaching you
my old snapping tricks.

I guess I'm just worried,
without football,

we have nothing
in common.

Barry, we have everything
in common.

You're my kid.

So, you'd want to hang out,
even when there's no game on?

I love the Eagles,

but my true joy is you.

♪♪♪♪

So, what do you want
to talk about?

I don't know. I...
Anything, everything.

What are you
interested in?

[SIGHS] Nunchucks,

the vocal stylings
of Big Daddy Kane.

[CHUCKLES] I melted
a Nerf Ball with a blowtorch.

We'll find something. ♪♪ Oh, oh ♪♪

ADULT ADAM:
Sure, it can be hard
to find common ground

with the people we love. ♪♪ I wanna be with you
everywhere ♪♪

It's not visible
to the naked eye,

but this skirt
has irregular stitching.

♪♪ Oh, oh ♪♪I'll get the manager.

ADULT ADAM:
But sometimes the things
that drive us nuts...

You embarrassed of me?

Always.

...are also what
makes them special.

What ya doin' today?

Whole lot of nothin'.

Maybe I'll stop by.
We can do nothin' together.

Sounds good to me. ♪♪ Oh, oh♪♪

ADULT ADAM:
In the end, if you tackle

life's biggest challenges
together,

there's no way we can lose.

ADAM: Mom's putting
on her makeup.

The finesse.

The curl on the lip.[LAUGHS]

Dad, hurry,
it's almost kickoff!

[SIGHS] Maybe I
should have tried out.

Probably for the best, Bar.

I've had a headache
for 36 years.

Oh, [SCOFFS] hat's nothin'.

I can turn this foot
all the way around
like an owl's head.

I got hit so hard
on a crossing route,

I was legally dead
for three minutes.

Try five.

I saw my granny on a cloud.

She told me to rub
some dirt on it

and then go block somebody.

I took a helmet to the stomach
so hard,

I no longer have
a belly button.

I don't have any toes.

This isn't baldness.

I got the hair tackled
right off of my head.

[GASPS]Why do they let anyone
play this game?

'Cause it's the best.So many good memories.

I love it.