All language subtitles for 2 versa

Hey, Gem.
Hey, Tina.

Come on in.
I'm almost done here.

Wow. This is the first time I've
been in the principal's office

without being
dragged in screaming,

"I didn't do it!"
[laughs]

Hmm. Did you do it?

Every time.

So, where are we headin' to
for lunch?

Anywhere but the cafeteria.

There was a food fight
last week,

and I took a taco
to the chest.
Ooh.

Sorry to interrupt, Gemma, but
there was an incident at lunch.

Oh, no.
How many tacos are missing,

and how many kids were hurt?

No, a student punched
another student in the face.

TINA:
Aah.

Please. Rookie mistake.

Everybody knows that body blows
are harder to prove.

Okay, send him in, Lorraine.

[scoffs]
I'm sorry, Tina.

I just have
to take care of this.
Ah.

You know, most of the students
here are really well-behaved,

but there are a few bad apples.

Hi, Mom.

He didn't do it!

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

[groans]

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Calvin.
Didn't see you there.

Hey, so I, uh, heard

Grover got into a fight
at school yesterday.

Yeah, apparently, this kid
Justin has been bullying him.

Pushing him, making
fun of his clothes,

which makes no sense,

because I spent a lot of
time picking them out.

Oh, wow.
That's... that's rough, man.

So, where are you taking him
to celebrate?

What? Celebrate?

Yeah, he's one and oh!

That's how Tyson got started.

The kid's lucky
he didn't bite his ear off.

Okay, well,
in our house,

we don't believe that
violence solves problems.

Well, this didn't sound
like violence.

I mean, this was more
like self-defense.

Grover just did
what he had to do.

And what you have to do
is stop picking out his clothes.

Look...

Calvin, I'm not naive.
When I was in the military,

I saw what violence does to
people, and it's never good.

And please don't try to tell me
that jean shorts aren't cool.

Look, if someone
pushes you too far,

at some point,
you have to push back.

Every man has
his breaking point.

Well, I disagree...

and let me tell you why.

Oh, looky there.
I just reached mine.

[cheering on TV]

Really? You two playing
video games again?

Yeah, we're
playing Madden.

Oh. In that case,
I got next.

Yeah, man.What's the score?

I'm up, 21-17.

Oh, this game
is over, man.

Dad, there's
eight minutes left,

I'm on his ten yard line.

Not anymore. Reset.[whoosh]

Hey, did you hear that Grover
beat some kid up in school?

Yeah.

Dave told me
the kid was bullying him.

Clearly, he didn't know Grover
lives in a black neighborhood.

[Calvin and Malcolm laugh]

I live in a black neighborhood,

and I never stood up
to my bully.

What? You had a bully?

Yeah, for a long time.

Well, you should have
did something.

You know, give him
the old two-piece and a biscuit.

I couldn't.
He was way bigger than me.

So? Look, if you let people
push you around,

they'll do it to you
the rest of your life.

You know what?
You're right.

Give me that!

What the hell are you doing?

Well, it's just what you said.

I'm standing up to my bully.Me?!

Go on, Marty. Give him the
old two-piece and a biscuit.

[Malcolm laughs]

Look, Marty, I'm your father.

I'm not your bully.Oh, really?

What about
when my friends came over

to play Dungeons & Dragons,
and you pretended

to cast a spell
of eternal virginity on us?

It wasn't right,
but he wasn't wrong.

Look, now, I did that
for your benefit.

I didn't want you
to be the weird guy

that got picked on
by the other boys.

It was last Tuesday, Dad.

Oh, yeah, I remember,
because up until then,

I'd never seen anybody
wear suspenders anda belt.

Well, all I know is,
you embarrassed me

in front of my friends.

Okay, Marty, look...

And-and for your
information,

it was not a belt.

It was a sash!

I know it's the weekend,
but I feel like

we should deal with this
as soon as possible.

Okay, then, I'll see you
in my office tomorrow.

And again, I'm sorry
this happened to your son.

[phone beeps off]

Your jerk-face bullyof a son!

You okay?

No! I'm the principal, Dave.

My son isn't supposed to
be beating up other kids!

Even if they are a
bratty little snot wad.

Okay, yes,

clearly, Grover
was provoked.

But I think we can both agree
that violence is not the answer.

Of course it isn't.Okay. Good.

But why would you buy him
those stupid jean shorts?!

Ow!

O-O-Okay.
[laughs]

Look, I know this puts you
in a tough position,

but maybe I can help.How?

Let me take Grover to his house,
have him apologize,

and diffuse the situation
before the meeting.

That's a good idea.

I'll come with you.

That sounds great.

That way I can slash
his stupid bike tires!

Or, you know, maybe
you sit this one out.

Tina, it's official.

You failed as a mother.

What are you talking about?

Marty. You made him soft

with all your hugs and
kisses and bedtime stories.

Well, if you want
another bedtime story,

you better think about the next
thing that comes out your mouth.

Baby, the boy just told
me that I was his bully.

Can you believe that?

Hell, yeah.What?!

Tina, you're my wife.

It's supposed to be me
and you against the kids.

Look, babe, I know
what a good father you are

and how much you love Marty,
but sometimes

you go a little too far when
you make fun of his hobbies.

I don't know.

These kids today--
they're just weak.

I mean, when I was coming up,
it wasn't bullying

unless something
was cut, broken

or set on fire.

[laughs]
Oh, I know.

I went to the principal's office
for all three of those.

Marty's just a little
more sensitive than us.

Yeah, I guess
maybe you're right.

But when he called me his bully,

it just really hurt my feelings.

Dad, do I have
to apologize?

Yes, Grover. When you do
something wrong to someone,

you owe them an apology.

[doorbell rings]You should give me one
for buying those jean shorts.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Dave Johnson,
Grover's father.

Oh.

Probably a good idea.

It's, uh, cold and flu season.

What are you guys doing here?

Grover wanted
to apologize to Justin.

And you think
my son wants an apology

from the little punk
who sucker-punched him?

He's lucky
Justin didn't kick his ass.

Do I stillhave
to apologize?

Yes. Uh, look, man,
I know that you're upset,

but I don't think
calling my son names

is gonna make the situation
any better.

Hmm. Well, yoursituation's
about to get a lot worse

if you don't
get out of my face.

Okay, I...I think if
we both just stay calm...

Now there's no need
to push me like that.

Yeah? Oh, how about
I push you like this?

Fella...
[chuckles]

You're about this close
to losing that apology.

Hey, Marty... hold up.

What?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Oh, I was going apple-picking
with some friends.

Sounds delightful.

But, uh, maybe when you're done,

you can come back here,
and we can play some

of that, uh, Dungeon & Dragons.

I never tried it,
and, uh, seems like fun.

Mama, get out here! I think
Daddy's having a stroke!

I'm not having a stroke.

I'm trying to show some interest
in your stupid hobby.

I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Are you serious? You
really want to do this?

Absolutely.

Okay. Great.

Well, thanks, Dad. Ah.All right. Ah.

Prepareth thee for adventure!

[door creaks open]

Oh, my God, what happened?!

Justin's dad got a little
heated, and he punched me.

What?! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.

I can't believe
he beat you up.

No, Mom, he didn't!

Dad totally kicked his butt!

It was awesome!

Is that true?

It wasn't what I wanted.

But it was pretty awesome.

You should have
seen it, Mom!

Justin's dad
punched him,

but then Dad gave him
a couple of these.

[makes punching sounds]

And then Justin's dad went down.

And then Dad said...

Grover, please, go to your room.

No-no-no-no-no,
that's not what he said.

There were way more curse words.

Okay, you know what?

Grover, Mom's right.
Go to your room.

Okay. Okay,
I don't want any trouble.

I can't believe you
got into a fight.

In front of our son?

I know. I'm sorry.

But if someone
pushes you too far,

at some point...

you have to push back.

Every man
has his breaking point.

That's the most
ridiculous thing I've...

Did you get that from Calvin?

No.

Okay, yes.

Dave, I'm the
school principal.

Do you know how
this makes me look?

He started it.

Really, Dave?
That's your excuse?

[scoffs]

Told Grover that wouldn't work.

[laughs]

All right! Let's do this.

Hold on, Malcolm's playing, too?

I didn't know
you liked this game.

[chuckles]
I don't.

But I want to be here

when you flip the table
and storm out.

[laughs]

Look, I don't know the rules,

but is there any way
I can feed him to a dragon?

Well, all things are possible
in the Goblin Castle of Alkobar.

[laughing]

Oh, boy, here comes the table.

So, how long
is this game gon' take?

20 minutes? Half hour?

[chuckles]:
Oh, no. But if we hustle,

we can do it in half a day.

Half a day?

Wow, that's almost like
too much fun.

[laughs]

Okay. So,
let's get right to it.

Okay.
I already created
characters for you both.

Malcolm.
Yes.

You are Shadow Fang,
a fighter elf.

[laughing]

You're a little tiny-ass elf!

Actually, Dad,

it's a common misconception
that elves are little.

They're actually known
for being tall

and lean
and extremely dexterous.

[laughs]Oh. Okay. Well, in that case,

I guess I'm an elf, too.

It's too late.
You a tiny-ass dwarf.

[Malcolm and Marty laugh]

And my name is Galumpkin?

Yes! Galumpkin the Great,
king of the dwarves.

You're an eighth-level barbarian

who fights
with an enchanted battle ax.

Well, all right! Okay.

All right, so,
who you gonna be, Marty?

Oh, no,
I'm not one of the characters.

I am the Dungeon Master,

the all-knowing,
omnipotent guide

through your epic journey.

And I get to wear this hat.

[sighs loudly]

Hey, there.

Oh, hi, Tina.

Damn, Dave,
what happened to you?

Somebody whup your ass?

No.

I went to talk things out
with Justin's dad,

but he took a swing at me,
so I had to fight back.

Wow, Dave.

I didn't know
you had it in you.

So, you won?

I totally kicked his ass.

Well, good for you

for doing something
incredibly stupid.

He hit me first.

Oh, yeah.

You know, that was always
my excuse, too.

Or "I didn't do it!"

Or "Karen stuffed her own head
in the toilet!" I mean...

What was I supposed to do?
Just walk away?

[sighs] Look, I feel you,
Dave, but think about Gemma.

What if this gets out
to the other parents?

This undermines
her credibility at work.

She could lose her job.

I know. You're right.

I-I got to fix this.

It's all right.
I'm sure you'll find a way.

Thanks, Tina.

Hey, so, what did Karen do

to make you stuff her head
in the toilet?

She gave me a "C" on a test.

Okay. You finally emerge

from the mountain pass
into a clearing,

where you discover...

a stone giant!

Damn it. Malcolm,

I told you
what made those footprints.

Well, look, Pop, there's no way
we can beat a stone giant.

Let's just backtrack
and go the other way.

Are you kidding me?

And go back through
the Swamp of Lost Souls?

I'm not going back there.

Look, come on, Pop.
Let's just run away.

No. No, no, man.

We can beat
this fool right here.

You know what?

I drink a potion of strength

while I cast
a spell of confusion

while attacking
with my enchanted battle ax!Yeah.

Watch out, giant.
Here come the pain!

That's a one. You die.

What?

No, that can't be right, man.
I'm Galumpkin.

G-Love! The Lump Dawg!

I'm sorry, Dad.
The dice don't lie.

Well, we not giving up.
Ain't that right, Malcolm?

Peace out, Lump Dawg.

All right,
thanks for playing, Dad.

Wh-What do you mean,
"Thanks for playing"?

You can't talk to the king
of the dwarves like that.

Come on, run it back.

No, you don't have to.

I know I don't haveto,
but I want to.

Yeah, but you two always
make fun of me for this stuff.

Yeah, I know.

But, uh...

you know, sometimes I, uh...

You know me.

You know, I don't say
things that, uh...

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

Dad...

that is the nicest thing
you ever said to me.

Well, I meant every word, son.

Look, Marty,

look, I don't want
to be your bully.

I'm your father, all
right? And I love you.

I love you, too.Come on, then.

Come on, boy.

I really appreciate
you doing this with me.

It means a lot.

Good. Good.

All right, now, sit
your ass back down

and put your stupid
hat on. Let's go.

Thank you for coming in,
and please know

I take this situation
very seriously.

You should. First,
your kid assaults Justin,

then your husband attacks me.

Apparently, our family
isn't safe at school or at home.

I understand, but I assure you,

Justin and you
are completely safe.

[knock on window]Hello.

[yelps]

Dave, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Ed.

I told you he was crazy.

I just came to apologize.

I never should have let things
escalate the way that they did.

Well, you should have
thought of that

before you beat him
with his own shoe.

Okay, clearly,
mistakes were made,

and we all have
a lot of healing to do.

Really? Is anyone else getting
their stitches out on Friday?

We didn't come here

for an apology.

We came here to tell you that
we're contacting a lawyer.

And after we're done,

you're not going to be able
to get a job anywhere.

Okay, wait a second.

Dave, let me handle this.

No. Your husband and your son

are a couple of animals.

"Animals"?

You heard me. Let's go, Ed.

Dave.

Uh, we should hear her out.

Here's what's gonna happen.

Grover's going to be suspended
for fighting.

Justin's going to be suspended
for bullying.

But...Did I call on you?

As a show of good will,

Dave is not gonna press charges
against Ed

for attacking him first.

And in return, you won't
press charges against Dave

for making Ed his bitch.

That's it.

I'm calling the
board of trustees.

Fine. And I'm calling the IRS
to report you for tax evasion.

[scoffs] What are
you talking about?

I'm talking about how
your seven-year-old son

is the registered owner
of a 20-foot sailboat

named Take it Sleazy.

[Ed clears throat]

It was all her idea.

You know what?
[chuckles]

Things did get out of hand,

but it sounds like you've got
the situation under control.

Finally, we agree on something.

C-Can we...

You may go.

That was amazing.

[chuckles]:
Thank you.

How'd you know
about the boat?

Justin's not just a bully.

He's also a blabbermouth.

And, word on the playground,
a bedwetter.

I can't believe how well
you kept your cool.

You know, apparently,
Calvin was wrong.

Not everyone has
a breaking point.

Oh, no. If she had said one
more word about you or Grover,

that ho would've been
on the flo'.

Congratulations,
adventurers.

You found the exit
to the Labyrinth of Despair.

You emerge into the light.

Boom! Yeah!
Yes!

But your path
has been blocked

by a man-eating ogre!

What?Come on!

What do you do?

I say we try reasoning with him.

Let's lay down our weapons

and let him know
that we come in peace.

Good plan.

Good plan. Like it.

I'm gonna go ahead
and kill Dave.

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