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1
00:00:02,298 --> 00:00:03,112
I'm doing a set tonight.
2
00:00:03,112 --> 00:00:03,965
You hanging out?
3
00:00:03,965 --> 00:00:04,965
Yeah, yeah.
4
00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:06,130
All right.
5
00:00:08,132 --> 00:00:11,032
[♪]
6
00:00:25,822 --> 00:00:27,422
[SMOKE ALARM BLARING]
7
00:00:43,422 --> 00:00:44,655
[RINGS]
8
00:00:46,622 --> 00:00:49,722
[RINGS]
9
00:00:49,755 --> 00:00:50,722
Hello?
10
00:00:50,755 --> 00:00:53,122
Hello?
11
00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:54,455
You're bad, huh?
12
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,489
I'd like to see you come up here
and say that to my face!
13
00:00:58,755 --> 00:01:00,000
[POUNDING]
14
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,755
[POUNDING]
15
00:01:11,089 --> 00:01:14,089
So what's the deal
with politics?
16
00:01:14,122 --> 00:01:15,555
I don't get it.
17
00:01:15,589 --> 00:01:17,089
Am I right, people?
18
00:01:21,755 --> 00:01:23,822
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
19
00:01:28,003 --> 00:01:30,000
[SIGHS]
20
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:30,637
[SIGHS]
21
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:31,870
I don't believe this.
22
00:01:37,037 --> 00:01:39,237
[♪]
23
00:01:41,503 --> 00:01:43,803
[♪]
24
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,503
I read somewhere
that this Brentano's
25
00:01:45,537 --> 00:01:47,637
is the place to meet girls
in New York.
26
00:01:47,670 --> 00:01:49,003
First it was
the health club,
27
00:01:49,037 --> 00:01:51,303
then the supermarket,
now the bookstore.
28
00:01:51,337 --> 00:01:52,870
They could put it
anywhere they want.
29
00:01:52,903 --> 00:01:54,570
No one's meeting anybody.
30
00:01:55,837 --> 00:01:58,503
Hey, Jerry, look at all
of these pagodas, huh?
31
00:01:58,537 --> 00:01:59,703
I gotta get over to Hong Kong
32
00:01:59,737 --> 00:02:02,137
before it all goes back
to China.
33
00:02:02,170 --> 00:02:04,137
You better hurry.
34
00:02:04,170 --> 00:02:05,870
I'm gonna hit the head.
35
00:02:05,903 --> 00:02:07,470
Oh, boy, look at this.
36
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,470
Hong Kong's outlawed
the ricksha.
37
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:10,434
See, I always thought those
would be perfect for New York.
38
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:11,970
See, I always thought those
would be perfect for New York.
39
00:02:12,003 --> 00:02:15,737
Yes. The city needs more
slow-moving wicker vehicles.
40
00:02:22,870 --> 00:02:24,637
Hm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong.
41
00:02:24,670 --> 00:02:26,203
I should give her a call.
42
00:02:26,237 --> 00:02:28,170
She's at that annual
Peterman party tonight.
43
00:02:28,203 --> 00:02:30,137
You know, the one
she danced at last year.
44
00:02:30,170 --> 00:02:31,503
No, that wasn't dancing.
45
00:02:32,537 --> 00:02:34,037
Hey, there's Leo.
46
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:35,303
Oh, who's Leo?
47
00:02:35,337 --> 00:02:36,303
Uncle Leo.
48
00:02:36,337 --> 00:02:38,703
Oh, yeah, right.
Uncle Leo.
49
00:02:39,670 --> 00:02:40,434
Forgot his first name.
50
00:02:40,434 --> 00:02:40,803
Forgot his first name.
51
00:02:40,837 --> 00:02:42,237
Yeah.
52
00:02:44,670 --> 00:02:46,803
Did I just see that?
53
00:02:46,837 --> 00:02:48,137
Well,
54
00:02:48,170 --> 00:02:50,870
that ought to keep you busy
for a couple of days, huh?
55
00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:55,170
[♪]
56
00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:56,670
So, Elaine,
57
00:02:56,703 --> 00:02:58,170
are you gonna dance
this year?
58
00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:00,303
Maybe.
59
00:03:00,337 --> 00:03:02,370
All over your face.
60
00:03:05,670 --> 00:03:07,037
WOMAN:
If you do dance,
61
00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:08,537
the cooks wanna know
so they can be
62
00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:09,870
brought out of the kitchen.
63
00:03:09,903 --> 00:03:10,434
They missed it last year.
64
00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:11,570
They missed it last year.
65
00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:15,303
[TAPPING]
66
00:03:15,337 --> 00:03:17,303
My friends, a toast.
67
00:03:17,337 --> 00:03:21,037
As the woolly-haired Melanesians
of Papua New Guinea once said:
68
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,003
[CLICKING AND POPPING]
69
00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:27,637
[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
70
00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:30,470
All right!
Who's dancing?
71
00:03:30,503 --> 00:03:31,837
PETERMAN:
No one.
72
00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:35,070
All right, I'll just have
to get things started.
73
00:03:37,670 --> 00:03:39,403
ALL:
Ooh!
74
00:03:41,403 --> 00:03:42,503
[ALL CLAMORING]
75
00:03:42,537 --> 00:03:44,170
[APPLAUSE]
76
00:03:45,237 --> 00:03:46,537
Hi. I'm Zach.
77
00:03:46,570 --> 00:03:47,537
Hi.
78
00:03:47,570 --> 00:03:49,003
I'm miserable.
79
00:03:49,037 --> 00:03:51,670
[LAUGHTER]
80
00:03:51,703 --> 00:03:53,570
[♪]
81
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:58,170
♪ Ba, ba
Ba-da, ba-dum ♪
82
00:03:58,203 --> 00:03:59,637
Excuse me, sir.
83
00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:01,670
What are you doing?
84
00:04:01,703 --> 00:04:02,837
I'm all set.
85
00:04:04,337 --> 00:04:06,537
Did you take that book with you
into the bathroom?
86
00:04:10,203 --> 00:04:10,434
What do you want to hear?
87
00:04:10,434 --> 00:04:11,970
What do you want to hear?
88
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,303
[♪]
89
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:15,670
GEORGE:
They made me buy it.
90
00:04:15,703 --> 00:04:17,703
A hundred bucks
this thing cost me!
91
00:04:17,737 --> 00:04:19,303
How dare they?
92
00:04:19,337 --> 00:04:21,337
I got news for you,
if it wasn't for the toilet,
93
00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:23,637
there would be no books.
94
00:04:23,670 --> 00:04:25,503
Yeah, I understand
Gutenberg used to spend
95
00:04:25,537 --> 00:04:27,637
a fair amount of time
in there.
96
00:04:27,670 --> 00:04:29,703
They're selling coffee,
bran muffins,
97
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,003
you're surrounded by
reading material...
98
00:04:32,037 --> 00:04:33,670
It's entrapment!
99
00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:37,003
"French Impressionist
Paintings"?
100
00:04:37,037 --> 00:04:40,003
I find the soothing pastoral
images very conducive--
101
00:04:40,037 --> 00:04:40,434
Thank you very much.
102
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:42,837
Thank you very much.
103
00:04:42,870 --> 00:04:44,970
Well, I'm gonna go back there
later and return it
104
00:04:45,003 --> 00:04:46,670
when there's
different people working.
105
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,003
You wanna catch a movie?
106
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,137
I can't.
I'm meeting Uncle Leo.
107
00:04:50,170 --> 00:04:52,370
I saw him shoplifting
at the bookstore.
108
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:54,670
All right, Leo.
Stickin' it to the man.
109
00:04:59,170 --> 00:05:00,470
Sleeping in the car again?
110
00:05:00,503 --> 00:05:02,303
Cocktail flu.
111
00:05:02,337 --> 00:05:03,970
Oh, right. The big party.
112
00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:05,637
You, uh...
113
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:07,337
didn't dance again,
did you?
114
00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:10,137
No.
115
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:10,434
I found a better way
to humiliate myself.
116
00:05:10,434 --> 00:05:13,170
I found a better way
to humiliate myself.
117
00:05:13,203 --> 00:05:14,337
[SIGHS]
118
00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:17,137
There was this guy,
and we had a few too many.
119
00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:18,137
You went home
with him?
120
00:05:18,170 --> 00:05:19,137
ELAINE:
Worse.
121
00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:20,637
We made out at the table
122
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:23,170
like our plane was going down.
123
00:05:25,003 --> 00:05:26,703
Oh, the drunken make-out.
124
00:05:26,737 --> 00:05:28,337
An office classic.
125
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,803
Did you end up
Xeroxing anything?
126
00:05:30,837 --> 00:05:32,803
Do you know
how embarrassing this is
127
00:05:32,837 --> 00:05:34,670
to someone
in my position?
128
00:05:34,703 --> 00:05:35,837
What is your position?
129
00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:38,637
I am an associate.
130
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:39,970
Hey. Me too.
131
00:05:40,003 --> 00:05:40,434
Yeah, me too.
132
00:05:40,434 --> 00:05:41,670
Yeah, me too.
133
00:05:43,003 --> 00:05:45,670
Oh, God.
Why did I do this?
134
00:05:45,703 --> 00:05:48,837
Now, I'm the office skank.
135
00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:51,537
Well, unless you tell everybody
you're dating.
136
00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:52,703
ELAINE:
Oh.
137
00:05:52,737 --> 00:05:54,203
Right.
138
00:05:54,237 --> 00:05:57,303
'Cause if we're dating,
what everyone saw was just...
139
00:05:57,337 --> 00:06:00,870
a beautiful moment
between two lovers.
140
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:03,137
As opposed to a spirited bout
141
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:05,370
of skanko-Roman wrestling.
142
00:06:06,537 --> 00:06:08,870
Oh, bravo.
143
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:10,434
[♪]
144
00:06:10,434 --> 00:06:11,370
[♪]
145
00:06:11,403 --> 00:06:12,837
[DOOR OPENS]
146
00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:15,703
Oh, hey.
147
00:06:15,737 --> 00:06:18,970
Can I fix you fellas
some drinks and sandwiches?
148
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:20,470
No, no.
We've already eaten.
149
00:06:20,503 --> 00:06:22,637
But you can clear some
of this stuff out of the way.
150
00:06:22,670 --> 00:06:24,303
Jerry,
check this out.
151
00:06:24,337 --> 00:06:26,837
Remember my idea
about rickshas in New York?
152
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,870
Well, we're gonna
make it happen.
153
00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,703
No, you're not.
154
00:06:30,737 --> 00:06:33,870
Well, Newman, he knows a guy
in the Hong Kong post office.
155
00:06:33,903 --> 00:06:35,637
No, he doesn't.
156
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,537
He's shipping us a ricksha.
It can't miss.
157
00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,503
Yes, it can.
158
00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:40,434
We'll start out with one,
and then when it catches on,
159
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,003
We'll start out with one,
and then when it catches on,
160
00:06:42,037 --> 00:06:43,503
we're gonna have
a whole fleet.
161
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,203
It's the romance
of the hansom cab
162
00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:47,970
without the guilt or dander
of the equine.
163
00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:49,170
That's right.
164
00:06:49,203 --> 00:06:50,737
So who's gonna pull this thing?
165
00:06:54,337 --> 00:06:55,670
I just assumed
that you would.
166
00:06:55,703 --> 00:06:57,537
Yeah, but I thought--
[GIBBERS] No.
167
00:06:59,037 --> 00:07:02,470
My, isn't this
an awkward moment?
168
00:07:02,503 --> 00:07:04,370
Wait a minute.
169
00:07:04,403 --> 00:07:06,537
What about the homeless?
170
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,170
Can't we worry about them later?
171
00:07:10,203 --> 00:07:10,434
To pull the ricksha.
172
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:12,170
To pull the ricksha.
173
00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:14,970
They do have an intimate
knowledge of the street.
174
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:17,003
They're always
walking around the city.
175
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,237
Why not just
strap something to them?
176
00:07:20,837 --> 00:07:24,703
Now, that's the first sensible
idea I've heard all day.
177
00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:28,037
[♪]
178
00:07:28,070 --> 00:07:30,670
LEO:
Jerry, hello!
179
00:07:30,703 --> 00:07:32,337
So, Leo, how's everything?
180
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:33,470
You doing okay?
181
00:07:33,503 --> 00:07:35,503
I still have the ringing
in the ears.
182
00:07:35,537 --> 00:07:36,803
It sounds like the phone.
183
00:07:36,837 --> 00:07:38,803
Yeah, yeah.
But what about money?
184
00:07:38,837 --> 00:07:40,434
Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?
185
00:07:40,434 --> 00:07:40,503
Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?
186
00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:41,670
Are you kidding?
187
00:07:41,703 --> 00:07:43,970
I should be loaning you money!
188
00:07:44,003 --> 00:07:45,703
But I'm not.
189
00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:50,670
Leo, I saw you
in Brentano's yesterday.
190
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:52,003
Why didn't you say hello?
191
00:07:52,037 --> 00:07:54,470
Because you were too busy
stealing a book.
192
00:07:54,503 --> 00:07:57,170
You still say hello.
193
00:07:58,203 --> 00:08:00,503
Leo, I saw you steal.
194
00:08:00,537 --> 00:08:03,537
Oh, they don't care.
We all do it.
195
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,870
Who? Criminals?
196
00:08:04,903 --> 00:08:07,137
Senior citizens.
197
00:08:07,170 --> 00:08:08,637
No big deal.
198
00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:10,137
You could get arrested.
199
00:08:10,170 --> 00:08:10,434
Arrested? Come on!
200
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:12,970
Arrested? Come on!
201
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:14,803
I'm an old man. I'm confused.
202
00:08:14,837 --> 00:08:16,870
I thought I paid for it.
203
00:08:16,903 --> 00:08:19,137
What's my name?
Could you take me home?
204
00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:20,970
Leo.
205
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:23,837
All right, all right,
Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes.
206
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,037
You made your point.
207
00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:26,137
Thank you.
208
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:28,670
Will somebody answer
that damn phone?
209
00:08:30,003 --> 00:08:32,137
[♪]
210
00:08:32,170 --> 00:08:34,137
Of course Zach and I
have been dating.
211
00:08:34,170 --> 00:08:36,337
What did you think,
I was the office skank?
212
00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:37,503
Well...
213
00:08:37,537 --> 00:08:38,537
Well?
214
00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:40,003
We've been dating
for 3 months,
215
00:08:40,037 --> 00:08:40,434
between you and me
216
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:41,370
between you and me
217
00:08:41,403 --> 00:08:43,137
and anyone else
you want to tell.
218
00:08:43,170 --> 00:08:44,337
Ha-ha.
219
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,203
Oh, man. Ugh!
220
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:50,970
Isn't that Zach?
221
00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:52,137
Yeah.
222
00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:53,537
Aren't you upset?
223
00:08:54,337 --> 00:08:56,037
Yes!
224
00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:57,503
Oh, man!
225
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,570
[WAILING]
226
00:09:01,737 --> 00:09:03,037
All right, listen up.
227
00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,203
Now, you three
have been handpicked
228
00:09:05,237 --> 00:09:08,303
out of possibly dozens
who applied.
229
00:09:08,337 --> 00:09:10,434
Now, what we're looking for
are motivated, hard-working,
230
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:11,703
Now, what we're looking for
are motivated, hard-working,
231
00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:12,970
homeless, uh, gentlemen,
232
00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:16,303
like yourselves,
to pull rickshas.
233
00:09:16,337 --> 00:09:17,803
Now, I don't care
where you're from,
234
00:09:17,837 --> 00:09:20,170
or how you got here,
or what happened to your homes.
235
00:09:20,203 --> 00:09:22,970
But you will have to be
physically fit.
236
00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:24,470
[CLINKS]
237
00:09:24,503 --> 00:09:26,003
The government!
238
00:09:26,037 --> 00:09:27,537
Because to pull rickshas
239
00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:29,837
requires more
than just strong legs.
240
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:32,670
You're also gonna need
a well-toned upper body.
241
00:09:34,703 --> 00:09:36,370
Or a shirt.
242
00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:37,870
Right.
Who's first?
243
00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:42,337
Name, please.
244
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:44,337
Rusty.
Rusty.
245
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:46,170
You know, I once knew
a horse named Rusty.
246
00:09:46,203 --> 00:09:47,870
No offense.
247
00:09:47,903 --> 00:09:49,970
All right now. Take it down
the end of the block,
248
00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:51,970
make a controlled turn,
and bring 'er back.
249
00:09:52,003 --> 00:09:53,137
Let's see
what you've got.
250
00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:54,703
Okay, ready and go!
251
00:09:54,737 --> 00:09:56,037
Giddyup.
252
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,503
Good form.
253
00:09:57,537 --> 00:09:58,970
All right, pace yourself.
254
00:09:59,003 --> 00:10:02,037
You're gonna have to do this
all day for very little money.
255
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:03,503
KRAMER:
Hey, what's he doing?
256
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:05,170
I think he's stealing
our ricksha!
257
00:10:07,503 --> 00:10:09,970
Well, then, he's out.
258
00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:10,434
I'll take the job.
259
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:11,337
I'll take the job.
260
00:10:11,370 --> 00:10:13,170
Potato salad!
261
00:10:15,837 --> 00:10:18,003
[♪]
262
00:10:18,037 --> 00:10:20,003
Yes, I, uh--
I need to return this book.
263
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,003
[BEEP, BUZZER]
264
00:10:22,324 --> 00:10:24,157
I'm sorry.
We can't take this book back.
265
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:25,157
Why not?
266
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:26,424
It's been flagged.
267
00:10:26,457 --> 00:10:27,790
Flagged?
268
00:10:27,824 --> 00:10:29,290
It's been in the bathroom.
269
00:10:30,824 --> 00:10:32,424
It says that
on the computer?
270
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:33,657
Please take it home.
271
00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:35,524
We don't want it
near the other books.
272
00:10:36,957 --> 00:10:38,924
Well, you just lost
a lot of business.
273
00:10:38,957 --> 00:10:40,434
Because I love to read!
274
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:41,690
Because I love to read!
275
00:10:46,457 --> 00:10:48,024
Oh, I don't believe this.
276
00:10:50,957 --> 00:10:52,924
Excuse me, I wonder
if you could do me a favor?
277
00:10:52,957 --> 00:10:54,924
My uncle's having a problem
with shoplifting.
278
00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:56,590
Mm-hm.
Where's your uncle?
279
00:10:56,624 --> 00:10:58,924
He's over there
in the overcoat.
280
00:10:58,957 --> 00:11:00,824
If you could just kind of
put a scare into him,
281
00:11:00,857 --> 00:11:02,290
you know,
set him straight.
282
00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:04,590
We have a 51-50
in paperbacks.
283
00:11:04,624 --> 00:11:06,657
All units respond.
284
00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:08,457
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Roger, 10-4.
285
00:11:08,490 --> 00:11:10,434
51-50. That--
That's just a scare, right?
286
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:10,990
51-50. That--
That's just a scare, right?
287
00:11:11,024 --> 00:11:12,990
I'm gonna have to ask you
to stand out of the way
288
00:11:13,024 --> 00:11:15,157
and let us handle this.
289
00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:17,257
Swarm! Swarm!
290
00:11:17,290 --> 00:11:18,290
What?
291
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:21,924
I'm an old man! I'm confused!
292
00:11:21,957 --> 00:11:23,090
You're under arrest.
293
00:11:23,124 --> 00:11:24,824
I just wanted you
to scare him.
294
00:11:24,857 --> 00:11:26,990
Jerry, you ratted me out!
295
00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:29,090
Hello?
296
00:11:29,124 --> 00:11:30,824
Hello.
297
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,290
[♪]
298
00:11:34,936 --> 00:11:36,236
[♪]
299
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:38,170
JERRY:
Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo.
300
00:11:38,203 --> 00:11:41,203
I just wanted the guard
to scare him straight.
301
00:11:41,236 --> 00:11:43,503
Jerry, he won't last a day
in prison.
302
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,003
Prison?
303
00:11:45,036 --> 00:11:46,870
I'm sure it's just a fine.
304
00:11:46,903 --> 00:11:48,170
He's got priors.
305
00:11:48,203 --> 00:11:50,836
Prior convictions?
Leo?
306
00:11:50,870 --> 00:11:53,536
It was a crime of passion.
Leave it alone.
307
00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:55,536
Besides,
308
00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:57,836
it's not stealing
if it's something you need.
309
00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:58,903
What does that mean?
310
00:11:58,936 --> 00:12:00,870
Nobody pays
for everything.
311
00:12:00,903 --> 00:12:02,736
You're stealing too?
312
00:12:02,770 --> 00:12:04,194
JERRY:
What are you stealing?
313
00:12:04,194 --> 00:12:04,236
JERRY:
What are you stealing?
314
00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:05,370
Nothing.
315
00:12:05,403 --> 00:12:06,870
Uh, batteries.
316
00:12:06,903 --> 00:12:09,036
Well, they wear out so quick.
317
00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:10,670
Mom, you too?
318
00:12:10,703 --> 00:12:14,536
Sometimes your father forgets,
so I have to steal them.
319
00:12:15,570 --> 00:12:17,870
All right,
I'll talk to you later.
320
00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:21,703
Well, the ricksha's gone.
321
00:12:21,736 --> 00:12:23,370
We strapped it
to a homeless guy and he--
322
00:12:23,403 --> 00:12:24,370
[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZ]
323
00:12:24,403 --> 00:12:26,870
He bolted.
324
00:12:26,903 --> 00:12:28,903
Well, you know,
85 percent of all
325
00:12:28,936 --> 00:12:32,370
homeless ricksha businesses fail
within the first three months.
326
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,194
I tell you, we should have
got some collateral from him.
327
00:12:34,194 --> 00:12:34,836
I tell you, we should have
got some collateral from him.
328
00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:37,003
Like his bag of cans
or his...
329
00:12:37,036 --> 00:12:40,370
other bag of cans.
330
00:12:40,403 --> 00:12:42,036
We gotta find that ricksha.
331
00:12:42,070 --> 00:12:43,736
You check the sewers
and dumpsters.
332
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:46,403
I'll hit the soup kitchens,
bakeries and smorgasbords.
333
00:12:47,903 --> 00:12:49,670
To the idiot-mobile.
334
00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:52,403
[♪]
335
00:12:52,436 --> 00:12:54,836
So even though you're not really
going out with this guy,
336
00:12:54,870 --> 00:12:56,203
he's cheating on you.
337
00:12:56,236 --> 00:12:57,336
That is correct.
338
00:12:57,370 --> 00:12:59,736
But here's the beauty part.
339
00:12:59,770 --> 00:13:03,670
Now, I stand up for myself
by telling everybody
340
00:13:03,703 --> 00:13:04,194
I'm dumping his sorry ass,
341
00:13:04,194 --> 00:13:05,503
I'm dumping his sorry ass,
342
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:08,170
and I'm the...office...
343
00:13:08,203 --> 00:13:09,170
Tina Turner?
344
00:13:09,203 --> 00:13:10,370
All right.
345
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:15,336
Well, I've been
to every Brentano's.
346
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:19,503
This thing is flagged
in every database in town.
347
00:13:19,536 --> 00:13:23,170
Is it so horrible
to have to keep a book?
348
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,670
I don't understand
what the big deal is.
349
00:13:25,703 --> 00:13:27,370
They let you try on pants.
350
00:13:27,403 --> 00:13:29,036
Not underpants.
351
00:13:30,370 --> 00:13:32,036
Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
352
00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:34,036
Uncle Leo. Hello!
353
00:13:34,070 --> 00:13:34,194
Jerry.
354
00:13:34,194 --> 00:13:35,070
Jerry.
355
00:13:35,103 --> 00:13:36,503
Uncle Leo...
356
00:13:36,536 --> 00:13:39,336
I'm sorry.
I didn't know about your...
357
00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:40,836
past.
358
00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:42,870
You mean my crime of passion?
359
00:13:44,070 --> 00:13:46,536
If anyone betrays me,
I never forget.
360
00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:48,836
Uncle Leo, wait!
361
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,036
Hello!
362
00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:55,703
French impressionism.
Ohh, I love this!
363
00:13:55,736 --> 00:13:58,036
Now, what is the problem
with this book?
364
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,236
Nothing.
365
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:01,570
How much do you want for it?
366
00:14:01,603 --> 00:14:04,194
You know, I could let it go
for, uh, say, 125.
367
00:14:04,194 --> 00:14:05,336
You know, I could let it go
for, uh, say, 125.
368
00:14:05,370 --> 00:14:06,670
Leo's furious.
369
00:14:06,703 --> 00:14:09,536
What is that
doing on the table?
370
00:14:10,736 --> 00:14:12,570
Jerry, simmer down.
371
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:16,170
I'm not eating anything
in the vicinity of that book.
372
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:18,003
What is wrong with this book?
373
00:14:18,036 --> 00:14:19,003
Simmer!
374
00:14:19,036 --> 00:14:21,570
That book has been
on a wild ride.
375
00:14:21,603 --> 00:14:23,236
George took it
into the bathroom at--
376
00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:24,570
All right!
377
00:14:24,603 --> 00:14:26,570
Everyone clear!
378
00:14:26,603 --> 00:14:28,503
Biohazard! Coming through!
379
00:14:28,536 --> 00:14:29,570
Clear!
380
00:14:29,603 --> 00:14:30,870
Clear!
381
00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:34,194
May I ask,
382
00:14:34,194 --> 00:14:35,870
May I ask,
383
00:14:35,903 --> 00:14:38,070
what do you read
in the bathroom?
384
00:14:38,103 --> 00:14:40,236
I don't read in the bathroom.
385
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:44,170
Well, aren't you something?
386
00:14:44,203 --> 00:14:46,836
[♪]
387
00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:48,536
PETERMAN:
Elaine, do you have a moment?
388
00:14:48,570 --> 00:14:50,536
It's about your lover.
389
00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:51,870
Oh, yes.
390
00:14:51,903 --> 00:14:54,336
I know all about
his little performance
391
00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:55,736
in the break room.
392
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,003
Elaine,
393
00:14:57,036 --> 00:14:59,170
who among us hasn't snuck
into the break room
394
00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:02,236
to nibble on a love newton?
395
00:15:02,270 --> 00:15:04,194
Love newton?
396
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:04,736
Love newton?
397
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:08,236
I'm afraid the problem with Zach
is more serious.
398
00:15:08,270 --> 00:15:10,036
He's back on the horse, Elaine.
399
00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:11,403
Smack.
400
00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:12,703
White palace.
401
00:15:12,736 --> 00:15:15,670
The Chinaman's nightcap.
402
00:15:15,703 --> 00:15:16,836
An addict.
403
00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:19,670
Well, it just keeps
getting better.
404
00:15:19,703 --> 00:15:22,536
And in a tiny way,
I almost feel responsible.
405
00:15:22,570 --> 00:15:24,370
I'm the one
who sent him to Thailand
406
00:15:24,403 --> 00:15:26,403
in search of low-cost whistles.
407
00:15:26,436 --> 00:15:29,336
Filled his head
with pseudo-erotic tales
408
00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:31,836
of my own opium excursions.
409
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,336
Plus I gave him
some phone numbers
410
00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:34,194
of places he could score
near the hotel.
411
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,370
of places he could score
near the hotel.
412
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,170
Look, uh, Mr. Peterman,
the fact is,
413
00:15:39,203 --> 00:15:42,070
is that I was planning on
breaking up with Zach anyway.
414
00:15:42,103 --> 00:15:43,870
He was cheating on me.
415
00:15:43,903 --> 00:15:46,370
Damn it, Elaine,
that wasn't Zach.
416
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:48,203
That was the yam-yam.
417
00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:52,736
Now, he is going cold turkey,
and you will be at his side.
418
00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:55,170
Oh. Well, you know, I--
I had planned to--
419
00:15:55,203 --> 00:15:57,003
No buts, Elaine,
420
00:15:57,036 --> 00:15:59,370
or I will strip you
of your associate status.
421
00:16:00,536 --> 00:16:02,536
Uh, P.S.,
422
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,194
the first 24 hours
are the worst.
423
00:16:04,194 --> 00:16:05,003
the first 24 hours
are the worst.
424
00:16:05,036 --> 00:16:07,503
Better bring a poncho.
425
00:16:07,536 --> 00:16:10,036
[♪]
426
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,870
HELEN:
It was a crime of passion.
427
00:16:12,903 --> 00:16:16,036
UNCLE LEO:
If anyone betrays me,I never forget.
428
00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:18,736
HELEN:
He won't last a day in prison.
429
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,036
[♪]
430
00:16:27,870 --> 00:16:29,403
Jerry.
431
00:16:31,103 --> 00:16:32,236
Hello!
432
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:34,194
Jerry.
433
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,003
Jerry.
434
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,836
Hello!
435
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:37,836
Jerry!
436
00:16:37,870 --> 00:16:38,836
[PHONE RINGS]
437
00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:41,070
Answer the damn phone!
438
00:16:41,103 --> 00:16:42,170
[GASPS]
439
00:16:42,203 --> 00:16:44,203
[PHONE RINGS]
440
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:46,836
Hello!
441
00:16:46,870 --> 00:16:48,170
Hey. It's me.
442
00:16:48,203 --> 00:16:49,203
Uncle Leo?
443
00:16:49,236 --> 00:16:51,036
Oh, that's nice.
444
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:52,070
What are you up to?
445
00:16:52,103 --> 00:16:54,370
Nightmares. You?
446
00:16:54,403 --> 00:16:57,403
My fake boyfriend is going
through real withdrawals.
447
00:16:57,436 --> 00:16:59,236
ZACH:
I'm burning up!
448
00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:01,570
Eat your soup!
449
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,070
You're not feeding him, are you?
450
00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:04,070
Why?
451
00:17:04,103 --> 00:17:04,194
[GAGS]
452
00:17:04,194 --> 00:17:05,336
[GAGS]
453
00:17:05,370 --> 00:17:07,870
I told you,
away from the curtains.
454
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,336
Away.
455
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:10,403
Use your bucket.
456
00:17:10,436 --> 00:17:11,403
[RETCHES]
457
00:17:11,436 --> 00:17:12,703
There you go. That's it.
458
00:17:12,736 --> 00:17:14,236
You know what? I gotta go.
459
00:17:14,270 --> 00:17:16,036
[DIAL TONE]
460
00:17:20,936 --> 00:17:21,903
Hey, buddy.
461
00:17:21,936 --> 00:17:23,170
Oh!
462
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:24,170
Kramer.
463
00:17:24,203 --> 00:17:25,170
I thought I heard you.
464
00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:26,403
Get out of here.
465
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:28,070
Hey, Kramer,
there you are.
466
00:17:28,103 --> 00:17:30,403
Will everybody please leave?
467
00:17:30,436 --> 00:17:32,203
I heard that a postman
spotted a ricksha
468
00:17:32,236 --> 00:17:33,203
down in Battery Park.
469
00:17:33,236 --> 00:17:34,194
Our ricksha?
It's entirely possible.
470
00:17:34,194 --> 00:17:35,036
Our ricksha?
It's entirely possible.
471
00:17:35,070 --> 00:17:36,703
I want everyone out!
472
00:17:38,036 --> 00:17:39,503
Ok, let's talk
in Jerry's kitchen.
473
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:40,703
Ah.
I'll make some cocoa.
474
00:17:43,203 --> 00:17:44,736
Good night...Jerry.
475
00:17:46,036 --> 00:17:48,570
Good night...Newman.
476
00:17:49,870 --> 00:17:51,903
[♪]
477
00:17:51,936 --> 00:17:53,003
NEWMAN:
There it is.
478
00:17:53,036 --> 00:17:54,903
KRAMER:
Rusty.
479
00:17:54,936 --> 00:17:56,403
Oh, there you are.
480
00:17:56,436 --> 00:17:57,703
Oh, do I get the job?
481
00:17:57,736 --> 00:17:59,736
Yeah, yeah.
We'll get back to you.
482
00:17:59,770 --> 00:18:02,070
Come on,
let's get this baby home.
483
00:18:04,536 --> 00:18:06,503
[GRUNTS]
What?
484
00:18:06,536 --> 00:18:08,203
You know,
when you think about it,
485
00:18:08,236 --> 00:18:11,236
it's kind of silly for us both
to pull this thing
486
00:18:11,270 --> 00:18:13,036
all the way back uptown.
487
00:18:13,070 --> 00:18:16,570
I mean, after all,
it is a conveyance.
488
00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:18,570
I guess, that's true.
489
00:18:18,603 --> 00:18:22,003
So which one of us
is gonna pull?
490
00:18:22,036 --> 00:18:24,670
Well, there's only one way
to settle this.
491
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:26,370
One spot, two spot,
zigzag, tear,
492
00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:28,236
pop-dye, penny got,
tennyum, tear,
493
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,003
harum-scarum,
rip 'em, tear 'em,
494
00:18:30,036 --> 00:18:31,836
te, ta...
495
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,403
toe.
Yeah.
496
00:18:33,436 --> 00:18:34,194
Best two out of three.
497
00:18:34,194 --> 00:18:34,836
Best two out of three.
498
00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:35,903
One spot, two spot...
499
00:18:35,936 --> 00:18:37,036
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
500
00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:38,036
Hey, boy!
501
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:39,503
Smooth it out up there!
502
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,170
Too much jostling!
503
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,670
[♪]
504
00:18:43,703 --> 00:18:46,236
So you wanna donate this
to charity?
505
00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:49,170
Well, I assume
there's some sort of write-off.
506
00:18:49,203 --> 00:18:50,336
What's the value of the book?
507
00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:53,170
A-about $200, Miss DeMooney.
508
00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:54,503
It's DeMornay.
509
00:18:54,536 --> 00:18:56,036
Rebecca DeMornay.
510
00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:57,370
Oh.
511
00:18:58,236 --> 00:19:00,503
Oh. Wait a second.
512
00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:02,736
This book has been
in a bathroom.
513
00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:04,194
Wh-what are you talking about?
514
00:19:04,194 --> 00:19:05,170
Wh-what are you talking about?
515
00:19:05,203 --> 00:19:07,170
That's-- That's ridiculous.
516
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:08,503
It's been flagged.
517
00:19:08,536 --> 00:19:09,703
I know.
518
00:19:09,736 --> 00:19:11,503
I used to work
in a Brentano's.
519
00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:13,736
Mister, we're trying to help
the homeless here.
520
00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:15,703
It's bad enough
that we have some nut out there
521
00:19:15,736 --> 00:19:17,703
trying to strap 'em
to a ricksha!
522
00:19:19,236 --> 00:19:20,336
All right, I--
523
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:21,870
I'll just take 50.
524
00:19:21,903 --> 00:19:23,003
D-do we have a deal?
525
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,070
Yeah.
526
00:19:24,103 --> 00:19:25,670
And here it is.
527
00:19:25,703 --> 00:19:28,003
You get your toilet book
out of here,
528
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,670
and I won't jump over
this counter
529
00:19:29,703 --> 00:19:31,836
and punch you in the brain.
530
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,503
I could take it in merchandise.
531
00:19:33,536 --> 00:19:34,194
Here I come.
532
00:19:34,194 --> 00:19:35,170
Here I come.
533
00:19:35,203 --> 00:19:38,336
[♪]
534
00:19:38,370 --> 00:19:41,370
So this book will tell me
how to get puke out of cashmere?
535
00:19:42,436 --> 00:19:43,836
Yeah.
536
00:19:43,870 --> 00:19:46,170
Great.
537
00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:47,203
So the worst is over?
538
00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:48,236
Yeah.
539
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,403
Now I can break up
with him.
540
00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:53,070
He's clean
and I'm the office hero.
541
00:19:53,103 --> 00:19:55,736
Seems like you're better at fake
relationships than real ones.
542
00:19:55,770 --> 00:19:56,736
Yeah. Huh.
543
00:19:56,770 --> 00:19:58,570
I even got an idea
out of it.
544
00:19:58,603 --> 00:20:00,203
The detox poncho.
545
00:20:01,036 --> 00:20:01,936
See ya.
546
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:04,194
I'd like to speak
with the manager, please.
547
00:20:04,194 --> 00:20:06,170
I'd like to speak
with the manager, please.
548
00:20:06,203 --> 00:20:09,203
Mind your pace, boy!
Chop chop!
549
00:20:09,236 --> 00:20:12,903
I've hit the wall!
I gotta take a break!
550
00:20:12,936 --> 00:20:16,170
Well, don't tarry.
I'm behind schedule as it is.
551
00:20:16,203 --> 00:20:17,336
Yah!
552
00:20:17,370 --> 00:20:18,403
Boy?
553
00:20:18,436 --> 00:20:19,570
Boy!
554
00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:21,003
Kramer!
555
00:20:21,036 --> 00:20:22,170
Whoa!
556
00:20:22,203 --> 00:20:23,103
Wait!
557
00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:25,903
[SCREAMING]
558
00:20:27,736 --> 00:20:28,903
Well,
559
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,870
this is the first day
of the rest of my life.
560
00:20:31,903 --> 00:20:33,870
[SCREAMING]
561
00:20:33,903 --> 00:20:34,194
[SCREAMS]
562
00:20:34,194 --> 00:20:35,103
[SCREAMS]
563
00:20:47,436 --> 00:20:49,570
[♪]
564
00:20:51,703 --> 00:20:53,336
George,
what are you doing here?
565
00:20:53,370 --> 00:20:55,570
I can't sell the book.
566
00:20:55,603 --> 00:20:57,003
It's been marked.
567
00:20:57,036 --> 00:20:58,236
It certainly has.
568
00:21:00,536 --> 00:21:02,403
So I'm going to steal
another one,
569
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:04,070
and then I'm going
to return it.
570
00:21:04,103 --> 00:21:04,194
That way, everything is even.
571
00:21:04,194 --> 00:21:06,370
That way, everything is even.
572
00:21:06,403 --> 00:21:08,370
You defile one book,
573
00:21:08,403 --> 00:21:09,703
steal another,
574
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:11,336
ask for your money back,
575
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,203
and to you that's even.
576
00:21:14,370 --> 00:21:15,370
I'm going in.
577
00:21:16,770 --> 00:21:18,670
Did you want to speak
to the manager?
578
00:21:18,703 --> 00:21:22,070
Yes. My uncle Leo was caught
shoplifting here the other day.
579
00:21:22,103 --> 00:21:25,336
Yes. Uncle Leo.
I remember him.
580
00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:28,336
I'm sorry. Our policy is
we prosecute all shoplifters.
581
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:30,170
Oh, come on.
He's just a lonely old man.
582
00:21:30,203 --> 00:21:31,836
All old people steal.
583
00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:33,070
That's right.
584
00:21:33,103 --> 00:21:34,194
That's why we stopped
carrying batteries.
585
00:21:34,194 --> 00:21:35,170
That's why we stopped
carrying batteries.
586
00:21:35,203 --> 00:21:36,670
Look, I'll be honest with you,
587
00:21:36,703 --> 00:21:38,670
We've had a lot of trouble
with theft lately,
588
00:21:38,703 --> 00:21:41,503
and my boss said I have
to make an example of someone.
589
00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:42,503
So it could be anyone?
590
00:21:42,536 --> 00:21:44,003
Mm, I guess.
591
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:45,936
As long as we catch him
in the act.
592
00:21:49,318 --> 00:21:50,951
That guy!
Swarm!
593
00:21:50,985 --> 00:21:52,485
JERRY:
Swarm!
594
00:21:53,318 --> 00:21:55,451
No! Jerry!
595
00:21:55,485 --> 00:21:58,351
[♪]
596
00:22:01,013 --> 00:22:04,013
[♪]
38810
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