All language subtitles for In.and.Out.1997.1080p.STARZ.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-V3T0

Hey, Bob, wait up.

HOWARD: "And sunlight
clasped the earth

"and the moonbeams
kiss the sea

"What are all
these kissings worth

"if thou kiss not me?"

That's it.

(CLASS LAUGHS)

Mike.
Mr. Brackett, okay.

That Cameron Drake guy,
did you really teach him?

Yes, I did, Mike.
Right here
in this very room.

Do you have a question
about the poem?

Yes, Meredith.

When Cameron went here,
did he have a girlfriend?

Please.
Jack!

Mr. Brackett.
Vicky.

Does this have to do
with the poem?
Oh, yeah.

You have a comment
about English literature
or Romantic poetry?

Absolutely.
Oh, let's hear it.

Well, when Cameron
went here and he studied
English literature

and Romantic poetry...
(CLASS LAUGHS)

...was he really cute?
(ALL LAUGH)

No, he's had
massive surgery.
A complete overhaul.

He was an iguana.
(CLASS LAUGHS)

But you know,
he loved this poem.

JACK: Excuse me,
Mr. Brackett.

Mr. Brackett.

Jack.

It's here.
What?

From Indiana State.

And? Hey, Joe.

Will you open it?
It'll make it a lot easier.

I mean, what if I...

I... I mean,
I'm not gonna get in.

I bet that it just says,
"Nice try, you moron.

"You loser, get lost.
Get out of here."

That's not quite
the way they put it, Jack.

Hey.

Yes. You're in!
Full scholarship!
Yes? Yes?

Way to go!
(LAUGHS)

Yes!

(HUSHED CONVERSATIONS)

(SHUSHING)

Gentlemen, are we
having a practice?

Uh, we can't, you know?
It's our coach.

You know, he's getting
married this week.

Yes, that's correct.

And he's drunk.

I'm drunk?

Pretty soon!

(CORKS POPPING)

(ALL YELLING)

You guys!

Congratulations,
Mr. Brackett!

(GASPS)

You're so beautiful.

Howard.

You look exquisite.

Oh, I just wish
my folks were still here.

They never thought
it would happen.

They never thought
I'd get married.

We're your family
now, dear.

I'm not just Howard's mom.
I'm yours.

Beware.
But, honey, when you walked
in here last month,

I almost died.
I didn't recognize you.

She's worked very hard.
Isn't she a knockout?

Absolutely.
Well, I just have been
fat my whole life,

and I was not gonna
waddle down that aisle,

and when I saw that
Richard Simmons infomercial...

I love him.

Well, remember
when he actually
went to that woman's house

who lost over 400 pounds
using the tapes?

BERNIECE: Oh, yes.

I just thought, "If she
can do it, so can I."

And you did.
Bridal Barn,
we salute you.

It's a straitjacket
is what it is.
Dad.

It's a classic, the J-12.

You know, everybody
in town's been stopping by,

revving up
for your nuptials.

WALTER: Look at this.

Oh, son,
I don't know.

The Torme.

(CLINKING GLASS)

Thank you.
Well, uh,

in just a few short days,
Emily and I will be married

after three long years.

Now, what, you may
be asking yourself,
was the problem?

You said it!
(ALL LAUGH)

HOWARD: Well, Aunt Becky,
I think I have the answer.

I vowed that
I would not be married

until Cameron Drake
was nominated for an Oscar.

I thought I was safe.
(ALL LAUGH)

Now tonight's the night,
for Cameron, at least,

and so I'll let you all
get back to your sets,

and this Sunday,
thanks to my mom and dad

and Emily,

it's gonna be
the happiest day of my life.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Wouldn't it be extraordinary
if Cameron actually wins?

You remember I had him.

You did?
Yeah, I was
a student teacher.

(MUSIC STOPS)
It was sophomore English.

He used to come
every day after school
for extra help.

We spent the whole year
reciting Romeo and Juliet
to each other.

Oh, really?
Just the two of you?

He was just a student.

Hmm, well, all right.

Now, which channel?

Hmm. Who wants
movie-style buttery lite?

GIRL: Me, I do.

Score pads and pencils!

Gretchen, what do you have
for best documentary?

Something about
Polish mine workers

and their struggle
to be free.

I hope that nice
Sally Field wins.

But she's not nominated.

Even so.

It's almost time.

Oh, turn it on.
Turn it on.

PETER MALLOY: The place,
Hollywood, USA.

This is Peter Malloy
for Inside Entertainment

inviting you to join me
for Hollywood's
night of nights,

the 68th Annual
Academy Awards.

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

here is another screen legend,
an Oscar winner herself,
Miss Whoopi Goldberg!

CROWD: Whoopi!
I love you, Whoopi!

So, Whoop, Cameron Drake.
His chances?

I think this kid
is incredible.

He is so sexy,
so sweet.
WOMAN: It's Cameron!

I mean, I just adore him.
I mean, and he's just the best
there is, you know?

It's Cameron Drake!

There he is! Look.

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Cameron!

Cameron, Cameron!
Cameron!

He is just so cool.

What is that stuff
on his chin?

He looks like a troll doll.
Did he just wake up?

Shut up.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here comes America's
hottest young star

and People magazine's
sexiest man of the year,
poor guy,

Cameron Drake.

Hello.
Hey.

Hey.

(CROWD CHEERING)

So, Cameron,
tonight's the big night.

All the marbles.
Planet Cameron.
Right.

Uh, excuse me?
I said right.

Yeah. Everyone's saying
that you won't be going
home empty-handed.

How do you feel about that?
And speak up.

Well,
basically to me,

awards are meaningless.

Um, I'm an artist,
it's about the work.

All the nominees
are artists.

We shouldn't be forced
to compete with each other
like dogs.

Oh, I hear you.
Good point.

So then why
are you here?

In case I win.

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) And now
we return to the 68th Annual
Academy Awards.

Coming up, the Oscar
for best performance
by an actor.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Glenn Close.

(APPLAUSE)

And now our final nominee
for best actor,

Cameron Drake.

Cameron rocketed to stardom
with courage and charisma,

tackling the role
of a brave gay soldier

in the breakthrough film
To Serve And Protect.

(EXPLOSIONS)

(SCREAMING)

You're gonna
make it, Danny.

I love you, Billy.

Wait. Do you love me
as a friend?

Or in another way?
Another way, Billy.

You mean as a brother?

No, another way.

You mean as a cousin?
No, another way.

(SIGHS)
You mean as a pen pal?

My legs hurt.

(SCREAMING)

MAN: Proceed.

Lieutenant Stevens,

you've been awarded
two Purple Hearts

and a Congressional
Medal of Honor.

You saved the lives
of your entire unit.

However, your sergeant
has come across

the following items
in your footlocker.

Will you kindly
tell the court
if they are yours?

A personal letter
to another soldier.

Oh, no.
(SOBS)

Yes, sir.

A photograph signed,
"Danny, San Francisco."

Yes, sir.

(MURMURING)

And finally,
an autographed copy
of Beaches,

starring Bette Midler.

Give that back!

Discharge, dishonorable!

They're kicking him out.

That's not fair.

I mean, he killed people.

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

Danny, I just don't know.

Did I do the right thing?

Ask him.

Well, Mr. President,

am I still
a good American?

It's a statue, Billy.

Oh, Danny.

I love you.

Come on.
Let's go home.

Billy.

Billy!

(APPLAUSE)

Billy!

Billy!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Oh, look.
Here he is.

This is Cameron's
first nomination,

and he's in extremely
good company.

Tonight he joins fellow
best actor nominees...

Paul Newman for Coot.

(APPLAUSE)

Clint Eastwood
for Codger.

Michael Douglas
for Primary Urges.

(APPLAUSE)

And Steven Seagal
for Snowball In Hell.

(APPLAUSE)

And the winner is...

Cameron Drake,
To Serve And Protect.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(CHEERING)

BOYS: (CHANTING)
Doofus! Doofus! Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus!

That's our boy.
Look at him!

Oh, my God!

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Nice, man.

Nice.

I'd like to thank
uh, a great director,

an incredible cast,

my agent and my new agent,

but I'm just an actor
playing someone.

This really belongs to all
the gay soldiers and sailors

and other guys and women

who defend this country
to keep us free,

but can't date.
(APPLAUSE)

So maybe I should thank
someone else.

Someone who's
really been there.

Someone who taught me a lot

about poetry and Shakespeare

and just, like, you know,

staying awake, man.
(CROWD LAUGHS)

Someone who's just an overall
great guy and a great teacher.

To Howard Brackett
from Greenleaf, Indiana.

Oh, my God!
Oh, wow.

Oh, I can't believe it.
Oh, wow.

Oh.

And he's gay.

CAMERON: You know,
I've been thinking a lot
about this night,

and I've decided
to dedicate this whole night
to a great gay teacher.

Mr. Brackett, we won!

(APPLAUSE)

(TV SWITCHES OFF)

(GASPS)

Howard?

Hmm?
Howard.

Precious.
Howard,
what is he talking about?

(DOORBELL RINGS)
I have no idea!

What?

Mom? Dad?

Is there something
you wanna tell us?

Something about
the wedding?

I'm not gay!

Oh. Of course not.

No! No, no,
no, no.

My son's not gay.
No way!

No how!
No dice!

Nowhere!
No, sir!

But that boy
on television...

I don't know
what that was about.

I am outraged!
I may hire an attorney.
I may sue!

That's right. That's right.
That's a very good idea.

You think?
Cochran.
Get that Johnnie Cochran,

not that woman.
Good idea.

Now, we have to remember,
he's been in Hollywood
a long time,

and he may be
under the influence
of something,

or he may have
joined a cult.

(GASPS)
Oh, my Lord.

That little zombie.

His family was...
Oh, I hate to say this,

but when they
lived here,

they were not active
in the PTA.

He used to mow our lawn.

Never again.

Howard, we want
you to know

you're our son,
and we'll always love you.

Gay, straight,
red, green,

if you rob a bank,
if you kill someone.

If you get drunk,
climb a clock tower
and take out the town.

As long
as you get married.

I need that wedding.

I need some beauty
and some music

and some place cards
before I die.

It's like heroin.

Do you hear me, Howard?

Hmm?

Oh. Emily, can we
give you a lift?

Oh.

Will you be all right?

Of course. I'm fine.

We're getting married.

I love you.

HOWARD: Good night.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello.

No, I'm not.

(SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

All right, let's go.

(MURMURING)

REPORTER: There he is!
That's him!

Hey! Howard!

Howard!
Howard!

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Do you have a boyfriend?

I am getting married!
I am not gay!

Do you know Ellen?

A teacher in trouble,
a town under siege,

a journey to the heartland.

Peter Malloy,
stay tuned.

Howard! Howard!

REPORTER: Should gays
be allowed to handle
fresh produce?

I don't care!
This is a classroom!

Class.

HOWARD: So, uh,
where were we?

Romantic poetry.
Shakespeare.

Talented, English, dead.

The sonnets.

"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's gay?"

(CLASS SNICKERING)
"Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.

"Rough winds do shape
the darling buds of May,
and sum..."

Okay.

Let's get it out
into the open right now.

What's on your mind?
What do you want to know?

Is it true?

Of course not!
I'm getting married
in three days!

See? I knew it!

Told you.
All right. Class, class.

But why did he say it
on TV in front
of the whole world?

Yeah, I mean, were you, like,
incredibly embarrassed?

Did you just wanna stick
a grenade in your mouth?

All right. Okay,
that's... Class, class.

I don't know why he said it.
I've been trying to figure
that out myself,

but that is not why
we're here today.
We're here today...

Mr. Brackett.
Mike.

Well, I've been thinking
about it all night.

Why would that guy
say you were gay?

And I got it figured out.
I got it.

What have you got?
Well, look at you.

I beg your pardon?
MIKE: I mean, no offense,

but you're an English teacher.
Exactly.

I mean, all this poetry
and odes and bonnets.

Sonnets?
And you're kinda prissy.

Prissy?
Well, not in a bad way.

I mean,
like, you're smart...

And well-dressed.
And really clean.

It doesn't look good.
And plus you got
the drama club,

and you ride
that bicycle.

You've been engaged
to Miss Montgomery
for like three years.

What, what does
that have to...
I mean, think about it.

If you add it up, of course
the guy thinks you're gay!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

And plus,
he was in that movie,

so his brain is, like,
already going that way,

and then he remembers you

and he goes, "Smart, clean,
totally decent human being...

"Gay!"

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

...gays in the space program?

WOMAN: Lesbians on Mars?
MAN: Do you have any comment?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Mr. Brackett.

Boys and girls.
Mr. Halliwell.

Howard, could, uh,
could I...
Oh.

Class, excuse me.

The school is surrounded.
There are TV cameras,
reporters.

See? They want pictures
of the gay guy!

(CLASS LAUGHING)

I tried to reason
with them.

I told them
I was the principal,
and they...

They, they mocked me.
I'm sorry.

HALLIWELL: Could you,
could you talk to them?

HOWARD: Right away.

Uh, class, page 58.

Yes, learn, learn
all you can.

Mr. Brackett.
Yes?

Watch the hands.

Oh.
Uh, good, good point.

REPORTER:
Howard, are you gay?
Are you gay?

MAN: I'm sorry.
I think that the jury
is still out on this.

WOMAN:
No way. He's been here
for how many years?

Oh, come on.
I always knew.

Well, I say bravo.

It's a blow
for freedom.
Good for Howard.

To quote
Mr. Bob Dylan,

"How many roads
must a man walk down,

"before we call him a man?"

Ed, don't. It's early.
Knew what?

* And how many seas
must the white dove sail
Ed, please.

* Before she sleeps
Shut up, Ed!

Trina!
We're talking about Howard.

Why are we talking
about Howard?

'Cause he likes dick, Carl.

(DOOR OPENS)

Good morning, everyone.
How are you?

ALL: Hey.
Terrific!

Fabulous.
Is that, uh, Xerox
still on the fritz?

How are you, sunshine?
Oh, fine.

Oh, look at you.

Dick who?

He's getting married
this week.

See? He's not gay.
I told you.

But, man, think about it.
I mean, like, gay guys.

I don't wanna
think about it.

There's only two times
where it's okay to do,
like, gay stuff.

Two, like, emergency
situations.

What? Which situations?

Prison, when it's
like a substitute.
Right.

Or guys in space.
Guys in space?

Well, not on purpose.

It just happens because
they're weightless,

and they float
into each other
when they're asleep.

You're so lame.

Well, I know
it's wrong.

It's against, like, nature.
Basic plumbing.

What?

It's the human body.

It's divided up
into in-holes
and out-holes.

And stuff
is supposed to go
in the in-holes

and come out
the out-holes.

But gay guys,

they, like, put stuff
in the out-holes.

Wait. So is a mouth,
like, an in-hole?

Right. 'Cause you put
burgers in it and brew.

Unless you're sick,
and you puke,

and then it's
an out-hole, so it's wrong.

Guys, guys, come on!
Hustle!

You'll be late for class.
Let's go!

What's going on?

Um, Mr. Brackett,
could you, like,
excuse us?

Why?

Mike's being a jerk.

No. Just until we're,
like, dressed and ready.

This doesn't have anything
to do with the Oscars

and Cameron Drake,
does it?

No. Come on.
Of course not.

Well, what is it then?

Well, it's just
before the Oscars,
it was different.

I mean, you weren't...

I wasn't what?

Famous.

(LAUGHING)
You guys.

Peter Malloy, network.

No, no, no, no, no.
No more interviews.

No, I have nothing
to say.
I have no comments.

(SPOON CLANKING)

I have no thoughts
on gay marriage,

I did not see
The Birdcage and I'm trying
to have my dinner.

Of course. I'm sorry.

You should be.
What are you
sitting down for?

You people. You people.
Have some decency.

You've been
hounding me all day.

At my school, at my home.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

I am.
Of those leeches.

They have no right
to pry into your life.

They're sleazy.
I don't know. I kind of
like that Barbara Walters.

Did Barbara call you?

No.

Howard.

Howard!

No!
Oh, Howard.

Leave me alone,
you smut peddler you!
Howard...

You professional gossip
with a permanent tan!
Will you get real?

Shh.

Look at me.
Why?

Well, sure, I look great,

but my ratings.

Look, everyone wants
to talk to Diane Sawyer
or Joan Lunden.

And my network's killing me.

They want me blond.

With your coloring?

Look, all those reporters,
after today, they're gone.

They've got their story.

But I care.
I am doing a full week.

A week? No, you can't.

Oh, but I have to.
It's too good.

No, no. I have
classes to teach.
I'm getting married.

I'll be there.

No. I'll kill you.
But it's classic.

Sex, a small town,
and a movie star.

Why can't you see that?

"Howard Brackett.
In and out."

My God, you are
pure television.

Stop it.

Good night.

(LAUGHING)

Guys, remember.
I got that, Walt.

Thanks. Don't say nothing
about the Oscars

or Cameron Drake.
None of that.

MAN: I think he's coming.

Shh. Shh.

He's here!

ALL: Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby!

ALL: Whoo!

Are we gonna have
a bachelor party?
ALL: Yeah!

And we gonna
get down and dirty?
ALL: Yeah!

Disgustingly,
pukingly drunk?

We've been working
on this for weeks, man,

and we got
all your favorite stuff,
everything you love!

Hit me!

What are we talking
about here, triple x?

Uh, Little Oral Annie?
Traci Lords?

Lay some adult video
on me.

We got it. Uncut.

Funny girl!

(CHEERING)

Funny girl?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I don't believe this.
Barbra Streisand?

You had that little
film festival last year.

Yeah, you made us all
watch all her movies.
It was fun.

Guys. Guys,
I'm truly offended.

Don't you see,
this is precisely the reason

why Cameron Drake and
half the civilized world

think that I'm...
You know.

ALL: Oh, no!
No, no, no.

You're a guy's guy!
No, no, no.

Well, I don't know
how this got started,

but this is my goddamn
bachelor party,

and I am not going
to goddamn watch,

pardon my split infinitive,

Funny Girl!

Me neither.
I hate that crap.
Thank you!

You got A Star Is Born?
Oh, sure.

A Star Is Born?
She looks bad
in A Star Is Born.

Yentl.
Yentl!

I love Yentl!

Yeah! "Papa,
can you hear me?"

Dudes, hombres , guys!

Guys, I'm sorry.
I am truly offended.

I thought
I knew you guys.

I thought
you were studs.

I guess I thought wrong.

I'm out of here.

Aw, maybe he's right.
Yentl sucks.

MAN 1: Ooh.

MAN 2: Uh-oh.

What did you say?

Yentl. It sucks.
It's boring.

Say that again.

She was too old
for Yentl!

(EVERYONE SHOUTING)

(APPLAUSE)
I guess you heard
the latest story.

Michael Jackson
getting married again.
Yes, it is true.

And this time he's made
the perfect choice.

Howard Brackett.
Yes, Howard Brackett.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

This is Peter Malloy
with day two

of "Howard Brackett,
will there be a wedding?"

I'm standing
with Aldo Hooper,
Howard's barber.

Stylist. Razor cuts,
color, full blow dry.

That's very nice.
So, Aldo, what do you think?

Will there be a wedding?

Howard is booked
for Saturday.
A full styling.

I say yes.

Emmett Wilson,
who has just delivered
Howard's mail,

his intimate
correspondence,
letters to alleged.

Anything
we should know about?

I can't reveal that.
I'm a postal employee.

Don't make him mad.

Of course Howard's
getting married.

He's a man of his word.

Is this national?
You bet.

Please use
your full zip codes.

Greenleaf High,
cradle of crisis.

Howard's seniors,
youth in the crossfire.

Tell us in your own
innocent young words,
is he gay?

Oh, no.
No, he told us.

It was all, like,
this big, huge mistake.

It just happened 'cause
Mr. Brackett likes poetry
and Shakespeare

and uses his napkin.
Unlike some people.

What?
Teens in turmoil.

And your message
to America?

Greenleaf rules! Yeah!

Kids on the edge.
A community in chaos.

Indiana cries out.
Howard, can you hear?

Uh, Howard,
you got a minute?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Howard, uh...

Your, your life,
I mean, since...

Since the Oscars
I can only imagine.

Well, you know,
it's over now.

It's fine.
It's just fine.

It's all
ancient history.
Howard, we...

We do have graduation
coming up Monday,
and you kind of,

you know, put us right...
Right in the spotlight.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm so sorry, Tom.
This, this...

Howard, I'd be
less than honest
if I didn't tell you

that I've gotten
some calls from...

From parents, uh,

wondering if in fact
you were a ho...

Ho...

(STUTTERING) Ho...
H-ho...

Home room teacher?
Homosexual.

Tom, do I look
like a homosexual?

Would you walk for me?

Excuse me.

Uh, Howard?

Yes.

Do you, do you
enjoy teaching?

No, I don't enjoy it.

(STAMMERING)
You, you don't?

No, I love it.
It's my life.

Then, then you'd,
uh, you'd miss it?

Are, are you
threatening me?

No, no. I'm...

I'm your friend.
Friends don't threaten.

No, they don't.

Friends warn.

And you, uh...

You, you are getting
married, aren't you?

But are you saying
that if I weren't
getting married

I'd be fired?

But that's not
an issue, is it?
No.

Best wishes.

Hi.
Bless you, my son.

Thank you.

Would you like
to tell me your sins?

Yes.

Yes.

First of all,
I'm not Catholic.

Well, then
why are you here?

I have a friend
who's Catholic,
and he's very busy.

Well, aren't you helpful?

What are his,
you know, sins?
Your friend's?

He's a,
he's a plumber,

and, uh, he's about
to be married.

He's been engaged
for three years.

Well, caution
is a virtue.

Yeah, but, see,
everyone's...

Everyone's saying
something about him,
something that isn't true.

I mean,
it's not a bad thing,
but he isn't that thing.

Which thing?

Which thing are people
saying about him?

That, um...

(WHISPERING)
That he's gay.

That he's what?

That he's gay.

Oh! Oh, my. Oh, my.
Yeah.

Oh, my, my, my, my.

Well, that's rather
like that fellow
on the Oscars.

That, uh,
Howard Brackett
from over at Greenleaf.

Yeah, but it's not him.
This is a different guy.

Well, what is it
he wants to know?

He wants to know
what he should do.

What is the right thing?
He needs to know...

His mother's planning
this huge wedding

with the whole town,

and it's her whole life.

It's gonna be beautiful,
but he, he...

He, he love... He doesn't
want to leave this town.

And, uh, he has
this wonderful fiancee

who's sweet
and thin and...

He just has never had
a physical relationship
with her.

Never?
In three years?

He respects her.
He's gay.

No, he's not.
Yes, he is.

No, he can't... No.

Well, then he must
go to her.

He's got to find out.

He must be...
You know...

Be with her.

Huh?
Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Before the wedding?

Godspeed, my son.

WOMAN: (ON TV)
Now let's do Michael.

* Michael, Michael,
Bo bicheal

* Banana Fana
Fo fichael

* Fee Fi Mo Michael
Michael

* Michael Ha-ha-ha!

* Donna, Donna,
Bo bonna *

(POUNDING AT DOOR)
Oh!

HOWARD: Emily! Emily!

Howard.
Emily.

Howard.

Howard.
Howard.

We're getting married.
We are.

We are getting married.
Of course we're getting...

I'm glad we're getting
married, Howard.

(MOANING)

(GASPS)
Howard!

Yeah! Who's gay, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Howard.

(SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERS)

Howard,
what is all this?

I'm sorry. I'm under
a lot of pressure.

I, uh... Could you
turn him off?

Howard, Howard.
I can't.

Howard, I love you.
I'm not worried.

You don't understand.
Of course I do.

Look at your life.
The Oscars, the press.

It's no wonder
you're going crazy.

But it doesn't matter.
Why not?

Because I love you,
and we're getting married.

You still want that,
Howard, don't you?

That's why
I transformed myself,
isn't it?

Do you want me
to start eating again?
No!

I can, Howard!
I'm very fragile!

I love you.

(MUTTERING)

(SIGHS)

(HORN HONKS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God! Howard!

Howard, you okay?

No.
No, I'm not okay.

I've never been
so not okay in my life.

I tried to stop. I...

One week ago,
I was fine.

I was... I was perfect.

I want my life back!

Well, that is not
going to happen, Howard.

Your life has changed.

But why?
Why is this happening?

I haven't changed.
One little word,
and everybody changes.

I'm still
the same person.

Why doesn't anyone
believe me?

Well, this town
is crazy about you.

I've talked to everyone.

Stop! That's it!
That's the problem!

It's you! You're trying
to turn me into a story,

into something juicy
for your show!

Well, I am not
a sound bite!

I'm...
Look, I'm... Oh.

I am hurting the people
I care about.

My students,
my family, Emily.
I love Emily!

Well, then think about
what you're doing to her.

Oh, will you, what...
It's like, you're like
talking to... I...

Why am I talking
to you?

You couldn't
possibly understand
what this is like!

Howard, I'm gay.

You're what?
I'm gay. I came out.

To whom?
Who? To everyone.

My folks, my boss,
my dog.

Yeah, one day,
I just snapped.

I just got tired
of switching pronouns

and remembering
to lower my voice,

and I couldn't take
lying to the people
that I love.

Does that sound
familiar?
No.

So I just said,
"Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay."

What happened?

Well, my mom cried
for exactly 10 seconds.

My boss said,
"Who cares?"

And my dad said,
"But you're so tall."

Howard, everyone
surprised me

once I let them,
once I trusted them.

You know,

sometimes the worst thing
you think can happen

turns out to be
the best thing.

For you.
For anyone.

Yes, but I'm not gay!

What was Streisand's
eighth album?

Uh, Color Me Barbra.
Stud.

Everyone knows that!
Everyone where?

The little gay bar
on the prairie?

You know
what you need?

Yeah, I need a wedding!
I need...

You... You...

You kissed me.
You noticed.

You, you...
This, this is not
Los Angeles.

What, people don't kiss
in Greenleaf?

Not at an intersection!
(HORN HONKS)

Oh. Oh, stop.
Oh, hello, sweetheart!

Mom!
Dad! Hi.

Look, it's the cake.

Yeah, well...
FRANK: Everything
okay there?

Well, oh, yeah, fine.
We, uh...

This is my Peter...
Friend, Peter.

We just ran into each other
here at the intersexual...

Homosection...

Intersection.
I gotta go.

Oh, it's that fella
from TV.
Thank you.

Well, if you're Howard's
buddy, I do hope you'll be
coming to the wedding.

The wedding.

That's right.
Sunday morning, 9:00 a.m.

I gotta go. I have
to prepare myself.

It's formal, you know?

(DOOR SLAMS)

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

(DRAMATIC BRASS
INTRODUCTORY THEME)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to our series

on exploring
your masculinity.

This is audio tape
number one.

"Getting a grip."
(MUSIC ENDS)

Are you dressed in
suitably masculine attire?

Very.

ANNOUNCER: Are you in control?

Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Are you
ready to take charge?

Are you a man?

Yes!

ANNOUNCER: Stand up.

Stand straight and tall.

Excuse me,
are we a little teapot?

Untuck your shirt.

Just one side.

(GROANS)

ANNOUNCER: You hate this,
don't you?

Well, look at it!

ANNOUNCER:
You want to be neat.

You want to be tidy.

Adjust yourself.

Not there.

The package, sissy man.

The family jewels.

Grab 'em.

Mmm.
ANNOUNCER:
You're in a barroom.

Okay.
ANNOUNCER: Repeat after me.

"Yo."
Yo!

"Hot damn."
Hot damn!

"What a fabulous
window treatment."

What a fabulou...
That was a trick.

Oh!
Damn!

ANNOUNCER: We have come
to the most critical area
of masculine behavior.

What?
Dancing.

WOMAN: (SINGING)
* First I was afraid

* I was petrified
Yes.

ANNOUNCER:
Truly manly men do not dance.

Oh, come on!

ANNOUNCER:
Under any circumstances.

This will be
your ultimate test.

At all costs, avoid

rhythm, grace,
and pleasure.

Whatever you do,
do not dance.

(SONG SPEEDS UP
WITH DISCO BEAT)

I won't!

ANNOUNCER:
Can you hear it?
Yes.

Can you hear the demon?

"Dance,"
the demon whispers.

Everyone else
is dancing.

They're getting down.

They're getting funky now.

They're having fun!

Not you!
No.

Catch the fever.

Feel the heat
of the disco beat.

It's calling to you.

Do not listen!

Men do not dance.

They work, they drink,

they have bad backs.

They do not dance.

Hold still. Hold tight.

Whatever you do,
do not dance!

* Hey, hey

* I, I will survive

ANNOUNCER:
What are you doing?

Stop dancing,
you big ballerina!

Stop waving those hands!

Aren't you listening,
you pantywaist?

Stop it!

Stop shaking that booty!

Be a man!

Kick someone!
Punch someone!

Bite someone's ear!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Stop it!

Get a grip!

Think about John Wayne,

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold doesn't dance!

He can barely walk.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Just stop dancing!

(MUSIC STOPS
ABRUPTLY)

So how did you do,
pussy boy?

(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)

Oh, is it all right?
Is my veil crooked?

Oh, it's perfect.

You're everything
I've ever dreamed of

for a wedding and more.

Do you have
an attorney?
Hush.

You're radiant, dear.

Oh, I just can't
believe it.

It's really happening.

My life.

After all those years,
it's starting.

My mom says
it won't last.

Your mom
is an alcoholic.

That's terrible.
That's terrible!

Son, do you need
some help there?

No, I'm fine.

It's just that
the dry cleaners left
a shine on my trousers,

and, uh, my right lapel
is slightly bent,

and the laundry
did not use enough starch
in my shirt front.

I mean, where are we,
the Ukraine?

How can I get married
if I look like a hobo?

Howard.

I'm coming, dad.
I'm coming.
One minute.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

WOMAN: Oh, there he is.

Oh.

(PLAYING THE WEDDING MARCH)

PREACHER:
What a joyous morning.

What a perfect day.

What a gloriously
splendid occasion.

(SOBS)

Dearly, dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
to join this wonderful couple

in the state
of holiest matrimony

before the eyes of God.

Before we begin
the vows,

is there anyone present
who knows of a reason

why this couple
should not be joined
in holy wedlock?

(COUGHING)

Very good.

Because
let us remember,

a marriage is truly
a blessed event.

It must be a union
based on deepest love,

total kinship,

and absolute honesty.

Let us begin.

Do, you, Emily,
take this man

to be your lawfully
wedded husband,

to have and to hold,

till death do you part?

I do.

Oh.

And do you, Howard...
Hmm?

Take this woman
to be your lawfully
wedded wife

to have and to hold

till death
do you part?

I'm gay.

PREACHER: Pardon?

(CROWD MURMURING)

I'm...

I'm gay.
You're what?

He's gay.

I heard him!

Oh, uh...

Everyone, everyone.

Um, what Howard
meant to say was

he's having
a wonderful day.

Mom.

Dad.

I'm gay.

Oh. Whoa.

(WHIMPERS)

Seventy-five pounds.

I lost 75 pounds.

I'm a horrible person,

and you have
every right to hate me.

You should hate me.

I want you to hate me.

I insist that
you hate me!

I'm, I'm scum,

I'm garbage,
I'm vermin,

and, and, and I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You're sorry?

After I, I...

Wait for you for...
No!

No! No!
Not just three years.

My entire life!

After I plan my future
around our wedding,

after I base my entire
concept of self-esteem

on the fact that you're
willing to marry me...

And you're sorry?

I'm sorry.

Thank God
my parents are dead!

This would've killed them!

Are, are you...

Are you really gay?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Was...

There...

Oh...

Any other time

you might've
told me this?

I'm wearing a wedding dress

which you picked out!

I, I, I
highlighted my hair

because you said
I needed shimmer!

I, I loved you

and believed you

and pretended
not to notice
the Streisand thing.

I thought you were
just creative.

I thought you were
just smarter than me

and more sensitive

and more interesting.

I thought you were
the most wonderful man
who ever lived.

I thought you could
just change my life

and show me
the whole world

and teach me

about art and life
and magic.

And I thought you could

make me feel like
a beautiful woman,

instead of the girl
nobody wanted.

Oh, no.
Emily.

But, but...

Emily. Emily.

Does anybody here know

how many times I've had
to watch Funny Lady?

It was a sequel.
She was under contract.

Fuck Barbra Streisand!

And you!

(CROWD GASPS)

HOWARD: Emily!

Emily. Emily.

Howard!
You did it!

I'm so proud of you.
Congratulations.

Congratulations?

I just destroyed
Emily's life!

I killed her!

You saved her life.

Oh.

I don't believe it.

I...

I just came out...

At my wedding!

In front of everybody!

My family, my friends,
my mom, my dad.

Look at my hand.

It was fantastic!

It was a nightmare!

(STUTTERING)

I just demolished
my mother's dream wedding!

I'm, I'm, I'm a monster!

I'm, I'm a lunatic!

PETER: You're a hero,

and I've got
great footage!

I got
the whole thing!

Oh, is that what
this is all about?
Footage?

Here, I'll give you
your headline.

Howard Brackett
is a big homo,

queer, Mary,
sissy man!

He just came out at
his big church wedding!

Martha Stewart is furious!

There.
Is that what you want?

That was great stuff.

No. Tell him I really
appreciate the offer,

but I just don't think
I'm right for it.

This is Peter Malloy
for Inside Entertainment.

I'm standing
in front of Greenleaf's
First Methodist Church,

where Howard Brackett
has boldly declared,

"I don't."

WOMAN: Cam!
Come look at this!

Brackett, outed by
Cameron Drake at the Oscars,

today, to the amazement
of family and friends,

outed himself
at his own wedding.

You can imagine
the fireworks.

He's been besieged
by the media,

his job may be
in jeopardy,

and as for his fiancee,
fellow English teacher
Emily Montgomery,

well, who knows?

Miss Montgomery?

But the real question is,

where is Cameron Drake?

This is Peter Malloy
for Inside Entertainment.

You got to get
out of here.

Cam?

We got to go.

Go where?

Greenleaf,
because of what I said.

I got to see
what's going on.

I got to do something.

But I promised Isaac
I'd do his show.

The new collection
is this afternoon.

I have to shower
and vomit.

Man!

At his wedding.

Yeah, poor
Miss Montgomery.

So, I guess
Mr. Brackett's

really like that
Cameron guy said.

Uh, duh.

And you, like,
hung out with him.

He drove you to that
college interview.

Didn't you, like,
stay over somewhere?

But nothing happened.

I mean, I don't even
know the guy.

Not anymore.

Excuse me.
You don't know the guy?

He only got you
into college.

I mean, just last week,
he was only, like,
your total hero.

That was last week.

Guys...

We had a gay teacher
all year.

We have to face that

and move on
with our lives.

What are you
talking about?

WOMAN: Kids,
how was the wedding?

ALL: Fine!

You know,
I can understand
about Howard being gay,

but I will never,
ever understand,

as long as I live,
as God is my witness,

how could he not want
a wedding?

Oh, sweetie,
it's not your fault.

You have two boys.

You fed them the same,
you raised them the same,

and you loved them
the same.

And one of them is gay.

And the other one is...
Walter.

Howard was just
being honest,

clearing the air before
he made a real mess.

What's wrong with that?

What are we all
so afraid of?

What do we think
will happen if we all
just spill the beans?

Oh...
I don't know.

All right, I'll start.

My Rice Krispie treats

that I made
for the reception,

they're not my recipe.

It's Harriet Carter's.

After she died from
that massive embolism,

a lie was born.

These are
a dead woman's treats.

(GASPING)

Oh, my.

All right.

I'll say it
right out loud.

I hated The Bridges
of Madison County.

My husband
has three testicles.

(GASPING)

Bob?

It's disgusting.

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

I love this.

(LAUGHING)

Howard?

So?

So.

Are you still gay?

Yep.

Are you going to have
an operation?

Excuse me?

Will you be going
into show business?

Absolutely.

Vegas.

I'm making
an effort here.

I know, Dad.

I'm a farmer.

Your mother asked me
to come here.

She's worried about you.

She's afraid
you're not eating.

She sent you this.

What is it?

Wedding cake.

She's diabolical.

She's insane.

Will, uh...

...we be seeing you at
the graduation tomorrow?

I got a call
right after the wedding,

or after there was
no wedding.

They fired me.

You taught those kids.

If you're not there,

what are they
going to think?

I don't know.

(SIGHS)

That Barbra Streisand,
did she do something to you?

Dad.

(DOOR CLOSES)

CAMERON: Thank you.

Cam.

Cam!

Cameron,
where are we?

I told you.
It's a motel.

Cameron, you don't
seem to realize.

I am a supermodel.

I am Sonya!

And I'm in a motel

in Greenblatt?

Greenleaf. This is
where I grew up.

I don't care!

Sonya, we're here
to help someone.

For once, we're going
to think about something

besides our careers
and our hair.

We're going to help
Mr. Brackett,
if I can find him.

Cam!

Cam.

Cameron,
where are you going?

Cam.

You can't just
leave me here.

There's a diner
down the block.

Go eat something.
I'm begging you.

You look like
a swizzle stick.

It's unhealthy.

Food?

Cameron,

I'm warning you.
I'm calling my agency.

Cam!

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Well, can I get a drink?

Uh...

What kind?

Let's see.
What kind? Uh...

Is vodka okay?

That's right.
Straight up.

And, uh...
Some peanuts,

lots of them.

I don't care about
anything anymore.

EMILY: What else have you
got back there?

I just want to eat.

I just want to gorge.

Hey, thanks.

You're from TV.

Guilty.

You're that guy.
What are you doing here?

Well...

I am getting drunk.

I had a bad day.
A very, very bad day.

Excuse me?

You win.
I hate men.

(EMILY CRYING)

Am I so repulsive

that no man
would want me?

No!

You're very attractive.

Howard didn't think so.
Howard didn't want me.

Listen to me.

Now, this is
Howard's problem,
not yours,

and he should've
told you.

Years ago.

Okay?

I love you.

You're nice.

I'm not nice.
I'm a hack.

I'm show business
garbage.

Will you sleep with me?

What?

Three years!

Oh, my god.

Three years of sunsets

and long talks

and loving, supportive
friendship!

Oh, my God!
This is
my wedding night!

I'm there!
I'm ready!

This is
a medical condition!

Gee, thank you,

but, uh, I can't.

What, are you married?
Are you seeing someone?

I don't care!

No, I...
You're a man!

I'm a woman!

I'm gay.

EMILY: Is everybody gay?

Is this
The Twilight Zone?

Ooh! Oh, hey!

Oh! Oh, hi!

Hi! Will you
marry me?

I have the dress!

I have
the plane tickets!

I'm packed!

Stop!

Stop! Please!

Stop!
You have to stop!

It's an emergency!

I need a heterosexual,
code red!

(HONKS HORN)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh!

(EMILY CRYING)

Miss, are you okay?

Do you need help?

No, no, no!

I'm just beyond help!

I'm, I'm
just a grinch!

I'm a jinx!

(SOBBING)

Miss... Miss Montgomery?

Cameron?

Oh, my God.

Cameron?

What happened to you?

Well...

Well, everything! I...

Well, you won the Oscar

and you said
Howard was gay

and I didn't believe you

and I had
no self-esteem!
No, I, I mean your...

Your body.
What happened?

Well...

Well, what happened?

I was fat!

And I, and I...

Swore I'd become
someone else tonight!

I did, and now I'm more
miserable than ever.

And I'm a mess,

and I'm starving!

But, but why?

Why did you want
to change?

You, you were
so beautiful.

I was?

I, I mean,
you still are.

You always were.

It's just skinny girls
can be so annoying
sometimes.

Oh, I mean,
but you're not.

You're, you're just like
I remember you

from after school.

You remember?

"But soft, what light
through yonder
window breaks?

"It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun."

Huh.

"How camest thou hither?

"Tell me.

"And wherefore?"

"With love's light wings
did I o'erperch
these walls

"For stony limits
cannot hold love in."

Out.

"Cannot hold love out."

I can't.
You're a student.

Not anymore.

EMILY: I've seen
all your movies.

CAMERON: Both of them?

GIRL: Kim, Karen,
wait up!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

BOY: Let's go,
it's starting!

GIRL: Is my cap
on straight?

Hey, Jack.

Hey, Mr. Brackett.

Big day.

Yeah.

Yeah, I, I can't
believe it.

Congratulations.

Yeah, thanks.
Jack!

Come on,
we're late!

Good luck next year.

You, too.

Indiana State
is lucky to have you.

* Hail to thee
O Greenleaf High

* 'Neath the Indiana sky

* Through thy halls
we spent our youth

* Seeking knowledge
learning truth

* Like a friend
who walks beside us

* Greenleaf High
will always guide us

* We will love thee
till we die

* Hail to thee
O Greenleaf High *

(APPLAUSE)

That song always, uh,
reminds me of our...

Our school motto...

Studiare,
imparare, partire.

Study, learn, leave.

Now, before we begin
handing out diplomas,

I have an announcement
to make.

We've, uh...
(CROWD MURMURS)

Well, we've, uh...

We've had quite a year,
haven't we?

Uh, but let's begin
our ceremony on a high note.

We're awfully proud,
of course,

of our Oscar-winning
graduate,

but today, we have, uh...

Another winner,
if you will.

That's right.
Our teacher of the year.

And, uh,
what do they say?

May I have the envelope,
please?

(DRUM ROLL)

The, uh,
the winner is...

I get so nervous here.

Can you hear
my heart beating?

(LAUGHING)

Seriously, though,
ladies and gentlemen,

our brand-new
teacher of the year,

Edward Kenrow.

No.

(EDWARD LAUGHS)

This is
such a surprise.

Ed, Ed, Ed.

Thank you, Tom.

Hoosiers.

What is the definition
of a Hoosier?

Well...
Uh, Mr. Kenrow?

Excuse me?

Mr. Kenrow, I guess
I'm a recent Greenleaf
graduate.

Oh, my god,
it's Cameron Drake!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

GIRL: It's Cameron!

Guys, please, please.

People!

Can we have a little
respect here?

We have our teacher,
our teacher of the year.

(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)

Guys, please, please.

Uh...

Man, I am...

I'm really sorry to
interrupt graduation
and everything.

I was looking
for Mr. Brackett.

Hey, Mr. Brackett.

Uh, Cameron.

Mr. Brackett, weren't
you up for this teacher
of the year thing?

No, uh...

Withdrawn. Tom.

Uh, ineligible.

Mr. Brackett is...

He's no longer,
no longer an employee here.

What?

Oh, why?
What happened?

He resigned.
Sadly.

It's fine, Cameron.
It's all over
and done with.

Today belongs
to the students.

Yes, this is
for the kids,
for the youngsters.

They canned him?

Wait, is this
about the Oscars
and the gay thing?

No.

No. No, no, no.

Then, what is it?

Well, we, we felt...

The, the community, uh,
felt that it was...

It was a question
of, of, uh...

Influence.

I'm sorry.
I'm a little slow.

I was a "C" student,
and now I'm an actor, so...

Influence?

Well, you know, I mean,
it's all right to be,

uh, this way
or that way at home,

you know, in, in your,

in your private area,
arena, arena.

But, uh, but, uh,

Mr. Brackett,
after all, is, was...

Uh, a teacher.

CAMERON: Oh, I see, I see.

So you're thinking
about the students?

Yes. Yes, that's,
that's what...

That's what
this is all about.

Oh, okay, so,
all right, so, um,

stay with me here, then.

So what
you're saying then is

since Mr. Brackett's gay,

that he's going
to, like, send out

some kind of
voodoo vibes

or, uh, gay microwaves

and, uh, make
everybody else gay?

Well, in a, in a,
in a crude manner
of speaking.

Well, seniors,
you've all had Mr. Brackett.

Is that the way it works?

Kids, you don't have
to answer that question.

It's not the time
and place to discuss
and answer that.

AVA: It's a completely
inappropriate forum
to discuss this.

This is still
a graduation ceremony.

May I please finish
my acceptance speech?

Hoosiers.

What is the definition
of a Hoosier?

Well, way back in...

STUDENT: Excuse me, I'm gay!

Who said that?

Jack.

I had Mr. Brackett
for senior English.

He taught me
Shakespeare.

Well, he was
my track coach,

and he also helped me
get into college.

I just realized that
what Mr. Halliwell
said is right.

It must've rubbed off.

I'm gay.

(CROWD MURMURS)

You see? This is
exactly my point.

A young life corrupted.

Thank you.
Very brave.

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Young lady?

It's happening.

I had Mr. Brackett
all year, and...

Oh, my God,
I'm gay!

Excuse me?

If there's something wrong
with Mr. Brackett or Jack,

then there's
something wrong with me.

I'm gay.

So am I.
Oh, she is not!

You're not.
I know you're not.

You're a tramp.

(CROWD MURMURS)

Mike!

Michael.
Oh, man.

Stirgo.
All right.

I'm gay.
I'm a homo. I like guys.

I mean, I still
do it with chicks
every chance I get,

and I'm totally
good at it,

but I hate it,
and I'm gay.

Kids, kids, kids,
please, please, sit down.

We're here to graduate.

I'm sure Mr. Brackett
is gratified by,
by your display.

Compassion is
a wonderful quality,
however misguided.

But as Howard
very well knows,

the decision is not yours.

It is a gonad thing.

(MURMURING)

A grown-up thing.

I have to answer
to the community,

and as far as
the community is concerned

toward Howard Brackett,
they have said no, no, no.

Please sit down and let's
pass out some diplomas.

Well, I'm a...

I'm a member
of the community,

and I don't mind
that Howard's gay.

But you're his brother.

As you know.

So you know
what that means?

Uh-oh.
I must be gay.

But you're not
a parent, are you?

Excuse me,
I'm a parent.

I've lived in this town
all my life.

I'm Howard's father.

And I'm gay!

I'm Howard's mother, and
I'm very proud of him,

and I'm a lesbian.

WOMAN: Excuse me.

Hi. I run
the Bridal Barn
for better brides,

and I can tell you
Howard has
perfect taste.

So do I.
So, I'm gay.

I'm Howard's stylist,
and I'm gay.

And I'm bald.

I deliver Howard's mail
and everybody else's.

I'm a federal employee,
and I'm gay!

Fire Chief Fred Mooney
and the volunteer
fire brigade.

Howard has always been
ready to lend a hand.

BRIGADE: Gay!

ALL: I'm gay.

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

PETER: I'm gay!

But he's not
the teacher of the year!

I am, and this
belongs to me!

Well, maybe Mr. Brackett
deserves something else.

(ALL CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYING)

(CROWD ROARING)

You ready?

Nearly.

Oh, very snappy.

Nervous?

No. Why should I
be nervous?

It's just a wedding.
I just want everything
to be perfect.

It will be.

Is your cameraman here?

No, not today.
I'm not filming this.

There are some things
more important
than showbiz.

Really. Like what?

I don't know,

but didn't
that sound good?

Guys,
we're starting.

Preacher's waiting.

PREACHER: What a truly
special occasion.

What a joyous ceremony.

What an unusual couple.

Berniece,
after 42 years,

do you still take Frank
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Frank,
take Berniece

to be your lawfully
wedded wife?

I'd better.

I now pronounce
your vows renewed

for another 42 years.

You may kiss the bride.

(APPLAUSE)