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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,375
♪♪
2
00:00:05,458 --> 00:00:07,708
[ Scanner beeps ]
3
00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,083
[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]
4
00:00:09,166 --> 00:00:10,375
Are those yours,
too?
5
00:00:10,458 --> 00:00:12,458
W-What?
Are the scissors
yours?
6
00:00:12,541 --> 00:00:13,791
Yeah, it's all mine.
7
00:00:13,875 --> 00:00:15,416
Unless you have
bigger scissors.
Bigger?
8
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:18,041
For a-a cord-thing that might be
hard to cut through.
9
00:00:18,125 --> 00:00:19,666
What's the cord-thing
made of?
10
00:00:20,541 --> 00:00:22,541
Never mind. What else
do you need for a baby?
11
00:00:22,625 --> 00:00:24,250
Um, I don't know.
Food?
12
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:26,041
Shit, you're right.
Where do I get that?
13
00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:29,541
No, she won't call her parents.
Get here now!
14
00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:31,541
[ Clattering ]
Fuck! Shit!
15
00:00:31,625 --> 00:00:33,750
I don't care how cute
the guy at Lush is!
16
00:00:35,416 --> 00:00:36,625
How old is the baby?
17
00:00:36,708 --> 00:00:38,208
It's, uh,
about to be born.
18
00:00:38,291 --> 00:00:40,375
'Cause I don't think they start
eating this kind of food
19
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:43,000
until they're,
you know, older.
20
00:00:43,083 --> 00:00:45,125
Fuck me. Fuck!
Fuck me!
21
00:00:45,208 --> 00:00:48,250
[ Breathing heavily ]
22
00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:49,916
Does it matter
what kind?
It's by age.
23
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,083
And yeah, it matters because
you should be breastfeeding.
24
00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:54,375
Well, maybe she has clogged
milk ducts from a weak latch.
25
00:00:54,458 --> 00:00:55,916
It's not for me,
and she's not gonna breastfeed.
26
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,500
She doesn't even want
the baby. Jesus!
27
00:00:58,583 --> 00:01:00,833
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
[ Breathing heavily ]
28
00:01:00,916 --> 00:01:03,166
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
29
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,083
If my friend had,
like, a major emergency
30
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,666
and couldn't make it
to the sale today,
31
00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:08,625
would you ever let her
have the sale price tomorrow?
32
00:01:08,708 --> 00:01:10,875
No.
[ Scoffs ] Okay.
33
00:01:10,958 --> 00:01:12,500
Well, my friend is
about to give birth,
34
00:01:12,583 --> 00:01:15,583
so thank you very much for
having such a big fucking heart.
35
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,333
[ Knocking ]
Hey! Hey!
36
00:01:20,416 --> 00:01:21,583
Hey, hey!
37
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,000
My friend
is in there!
38
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,333
Well, you better
tell her to come out,
39
00:01:24,416 --> 00:01:25,875
because that's
a handicapped restroom,
40
00:01:25,958 --> 00:01:27,833
and it needs
to be free for...
[ Girl groaning ]
41
00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:29,291
...actual
handicapped people.
42
00:01:29,375 --> 00:01:30,541
You're not supposed to
say "handicapped"!
43
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:32,291
It is so offensive!
That's not true.
44
00:01:32,375 --> 00:01:33,708
If there's
someone else in there,
45
00:01:33,791 --> 00:01:35,500
they'll both be escorted
down to the security office,
46
00:01:35,583 --> 00:01:37,291
and their parents
will be notified.
47
00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,708
She's on her period!
Oh, my God!
48
00:01:39,791 --> 00:01:41,333
And she's
bleeding and puking,
49
00:01:41,416 --> 00:01:43,458
and I went to get her
tampons and Aleve.
50
00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:45,833
And what if she is handicapped?
How do you know?
51
00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:47,000
Can you imagine
being handicapped
52
00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:48,291
and having your period?
53
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:49,583
Do you even know how
hard that would be?
54
00:01:49,666 --> 00:01:50,791
I see Oreos.
55
00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:52,125
Excuse me, sir,
do you have a period?
56
00:01:52,208 --> 00:01:53,708
Because maybe you don't know
what you need.
57
00:01:53,791 --> 00:01:56,791
I do know you don't need Oreos
for a menstrual situation,
58
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:59,125
but if you're in there
smoking joints, you might.
59
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:02,083
Can you please explain to me
what a "menstrual situation" is?
60
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:04,666
Exactly. So, can you please
just stop discriminating
61
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,333
against women
and wheelchair people
62
00:02:06,416 --> 00:02:07,500
and let me
take care of my friend
63
00:02:07,583 --> 00:02:08,583
and her bleeding vagina?
64
00:02:08,666 --> 00:02:10,541
Thank you very much.
[ Moaning ]
65
00:02:10,625 --> 00:02:12,250
It's me.
66
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,875
I think it's starting
to come out!
67
00:02:13,958 --> 00:02:17,791
♪ ...open sleigh ♪
68
00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:19,166
[ Cellphone swishes ]
69
00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:20,666
♪ Heh, heh ♪
70
00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:22,083
♪ Hey, a poppin' bitch ♪
71
00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:24,500
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
72
00:02:24,583 --> 00:02:25,708
We've got a squirter!
73
00:02:25,791 --> 00:02:26,958
Riley's mom:
Did you ask your dad
74
00:02:27,041 --> 00:02:28,750
to give you money
for Photo Club?
75
00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:29,833
Uh-huh.
76
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:31,416
What did I just say?
77
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,333
I don't know.
Something naggy.
78
00:02:33,416 --> 00:02:35,333
♪ Like I said,
get it poppin', bitch ♪
79
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:36,625
♪ Now hands up ♪
80
00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:39,416
I don't thinkI'm doing it right.
81
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,708
Like this?
82
00:02:40,791 --> 00:02:42,333
[ Funky music plays ]
83
00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:43,583
Woman: Yeah,just like that.
84
00:02:43,666 --> 00:02:45,166
You like it?Mm-hmm.
85
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:47,000
[ Moaning ]
86
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:48,291
You'rea good teacher.
87
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,708
[ Gasps ]
[ Moans ]
88
00:02:50,791 --> 00:02:51,958
[ Both moaning ]
89
00:02:52,041 --> 00:02:55,375
[ Ad playing ]
No, no, no, no.
90
00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:56,875
Man: Whips, chains,and handcuffs.
91
00:02:56,958 --> 00:03:00,000
[ Overlapping chatter,ads chiming ]
92
00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:01,666
Oh, shit.
93
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,416
Ugh! Fuck.
94
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,583
Shit.
[ Emojis popping ]
95
00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:07,166
Oh, my God.
96
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:11,375
♪ When I come through,
why you get uncomfortable? ♪
97
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,833
No, no, no, no, no.
98
00:03:13,916 --> 00:03:15,500
♪ Get it poppin', bitch ♪
99
00:03:15,583 --> 00:03:17,458
Ugh!
100
00:03:17,541 --> 00:03:19,041
Fuck.
101
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:21,708
♪ You a poppin' bitch ♪
102
00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:23,250
No, no, no, no, no!
103
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,166
Oh, my God!
104
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:26,416
[ Sighs ]
105
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,416
[ Keyboard clicking ]
106
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,875
Oh.
107
00:03:29,958 --> 00:03:31,791
[ Muffled scream ]
108
00:03:31,875 --> 00:03:34,083
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs!
109
00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:35,291
We've got a squirter!
110
00:03:35,375 --> 00:03:36,708
God. Oh, why?
111
00:03:36,791 --> 00:03:39,750
You don't think
it's cute?
No! Stop! Ew.
112
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:41,041
Are you home
for dinner?
113
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:43,083
Yes, I am, but don't --
don't make the beans.
114
00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:44,750
Okay.
And you know what?
115
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,541
And wash my clothes if
you're gonna wear them.
116
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:50,416
Really. Or else I smell
like Old Spice and hormones.
[ Chuckles ]
117
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,666
I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
118
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,250
We've got a squirter!
119
00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:56,333
♪ Only ever been
a poppin' bitch ♪
120
00:03:56,416 --> 00:03:57,916
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
121
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,250
♪ A poppin' bitch ♪
122
00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:00,541
Nathan: Hey, can you
come here a sec?
123
00:04:00,625 --> 00:04:02,250
Naomi: No, I don't
want to catch pinkeye.
124
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:04,083
I told you, it's not pinkeye.
I just got something in it.
125
00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:07,083
I just want to show you that
I deleted the hickey pic.
126
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:08,625
♪♪
127
00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:10,500
Show me your
Recently Deleted.
128
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,583
♪ Hey, where my
poppin' bitches at? ♪
129
00:04:12,666 --> 00:04:14,000
♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
130
00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:15,125
Oh, my God.
131
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:18,166
Are you
male-model posing?
132
00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:19,625
It was a joke.
133
00:04:19,708 --> 00:04:21,208
Okay, so the thing
about my eye --
Whatever.
134
00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:23,625
Just tell me, did you
actually touch a dick?
135
00:04:23,708 --> 00:04:25,375
Yes. So --
Oh, my God.
136
00:04:25,458 --> 00:04:26,666
Was it dick pic guy?
137
00:04:26,750 --> 00:04:27,833
Because did you notice
that guy
138
00:04:27,916 --> 00:04:29,583
has a birthmark
near his dick,
139
00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:31,583
and the birthmark
looks like a tiny dick?
140
00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:33,000
Literally.
I am not even kidding.
141
00:04:33,083 --> 00:04:35,375
It is a dick
next to a dick.
[ Horn honking ]
142
00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:37,375
Chill the fetch out!
We're coming!
143
00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:39,625
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
144
00:04:39,708 --> 00:04:43,750
Who even likes these videos?
White people?
145
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:48,875
White people are
just so fucked up.
Patrick: Wow.
146
00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:51,333
Today's Club Fair.
You should join BSU.
147
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,666
Oh, I didn't know that.
148
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,333
Arianna, are you gonna
join any clubs?
149
00:04:54,416 --> 00:04:56,833
Oh, Dad, let me just think
for a second.
150
00:04:56,916 --> 00:04:57,833
No, I'm not.
151
00:04:57,916 --> 00:04:59,375
Well, in my day,
extracurriculars
152
00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:01,041
were helpful
for college applications.
153
00:05:01,125 --> 00:05:04,125
For me, it's about all the
causes I want to do, you know?
154
00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:06,583
I can't do all of them, though,
'cause I'm in 11 clubs.
155
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:09,250
You need a time-turner.
[ Chuckles ]
156
00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:11,000
Yeah, uh, no,
you can't say that anymore.
157
00:05:11,083 --> 00:05:12,833
Patrick: You can't?
Delilah: No. You know.
158
00:05:12,916 --> 00:05:14,500
J.K. Rowling?
Transphobic.
159
00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:15,708
Plus the whole
queer-baiting thing.
160
00:05:15,791 --> 00:05:17,375
But, like,
how do I choose?
161
00:05:17,458 --> 00:05:19,666
You know, 'cause mental health
awareness is a big one for me,
162
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:21,541
but Suicide Prevention
meets at the same time
163
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,208
as Girls' League
and Animal Empathy Club,
164
00:05:23,291 --> 00:05:26,125
so how am I supposed to pick
between feminism, animal rights,
165
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:27,750
and stopping kids
from killing themselves?
166
00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:29,375
How -- How did she
queer-bait, by the way?
167
00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:30,833
Oh, by saying
after the fact that
168
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,375
Dumbledore and
Grindelwald are gay.
Ugh.
169
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,208
But not, like,
having-sex gay, right?
170
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,708
'Cause that's nasty.
171
00:05:36,791 --> 00:05:37,791
Patrick:
I hate teenagers.
172
00:05:37,875 --> 00:05:38,833
Oh, come on!
173
00:05:38,916 --> 00:05:40,083
Who wants to see
an old man
174
00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,125
choking on another
old man's dick?
175
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,416
Okay, Delilah, is there
any sort of LGBT club?
176
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,750
♪ A poppin' bitch,
eh, eh ♪
177
00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:48,125
♪ Be a poppin' bitch ♪
178
00:05:48,208 --> 00:05:50,458
♪ Ey, ey, baby,
I'm a poppin' bitch ♪
179
00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:53,375
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh,
a poppin' bitch ♪
180
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:56,125
♪ Play some Baby in the club,
get it poppin', bitch ♪
181
00:05:56,208 --> 00:05:57,875
Did you know
the owner of Segway died
182
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,541
when he accidentally drove
a Segway off a cliff?
183
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:02,791
Hmm. I did not
know that, no.
184
00:06:02,875 --> 00:06:04,333
Hi!
Hi.
185
00:06:04,416 --> 00:06:05,833
Where are we
with the rooftopping?
186
00:06:05,916 --> 00:06:07,541
Look, I -- Oh, my God.
187
00:06:07,625 --> 00:06:10,125
See, and you know
I'm all about the truth,
188
00:06:10,208 --> 00:06:11,541
so maybe we move on,
okay?
189
00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:13,875
Sam: I don't feel like
moving on just yet.
190
00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:15,458
You wanna know
why I do it?
191
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,041
We can start there,
yeah.
192
00:06:18,625 --> 00:06:20,125
To feel alive.
193
00:06:21,291 --> 00:06:22,583
What do you do
to feel alive?
194
00:06:22,666 --> 00:06:24,166
Drugs.
195
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,708
Which is my name for watching
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
196
00:06:26,791 --> 00:06:28,083
twice last week.
197
00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:29,541
For the Taye Diggs
shower scene?
198
00:06:29,625 --> 00:06:30,791
I just like the movie.
199
00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:32,250
Hmm.
200
00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:33,583
That's pretty
embarrassing.
201
00:06:33,666 --> 00:06:35,625
Thank you.
Nice swim cap.
Thanks.
202
00:06:35,708 --> 00:06:36,958
It's a water polo
Club Fair thing.
203
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,125
You should come see me
play sometime.
204
00:06:38,208 --> 00:06:40,083
You belong to any
other clubs?
205
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,791
Oh. Okay.
206
00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:43,916
So, like,
"be a joiner"?
207
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,375
Or like, "If he's busy,
he won't rooftop."
208
00:06:46,458 --> 00:06:47,916
What about the GSA?
First of all,
209
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,416
the woman who runs it
is so cringe,
210
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,208
she literally drove
all the gay kids away.
211
00:06:51,291 --> 00:06:52,750
I'm not kidding.
212
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:57,875
Also, the whole GSA thing
is so '90s and so...binary,
213
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,458
and, like, do we really
need another bake sale
214
00:07:00,541 --> 00:07:03,333
to benefit sad gay people
in Chechnya?
215
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:07,458
I told you,
she's a bitch.
216
00:07:07,541 --> 00:07:10,291
My family's actually
from Chechnya.
217
00:07:10,375 --> 00:07:12,000
Black Russians exist.
218
00:07:14,708 --> 00:07:16,041
I wasn't...
219
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,458
[ Chuckling ] Yeah,
my family's from Irvine.
220
00:07:19,541 --> 00:07:20,583
I'm just messing with you.
221
00:07:20,666 --> 00:07:22,958
Oh. Your face.
222
00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:25,083
Black Russians exist?
223
00:07:25,166 --> 00:07:27,208
[ Laughs ] God damn.
224
00:07:27,291 --> 00:07:28,500
Close your mouth.
225
00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:34,541
You know, I would be more open
to joining the GSA
226
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:38,250
if there were
a new faculty advisor.
227
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,541
They would have to
be queer, of course,
228
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:43,333
but the only other
out teacher is Mr. Lee,
229
00:07:43,416 --> 00:07:45,833
and his nipple ring
shows through his polos,
230
00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:48,083
so that really
wouldn't work.
231
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:50,333
Also, I saw him
yell at a dog once.
232
00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:53,958
But, um...
what about you?
233
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:57,875
Chester: Free Hug Club!
234
00:07:57,958 --> 00:08:00,125
Now only hugging with
radical consent!
235
00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:01,625
Girl: Delilah!
Oh, be right there!
236
00:08:01,708 --> 00:08:03,833
Just going to Dolls with Balls
and Planeteers!
237
00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:08,041
Come join our shirtless
gay massage club!
238
00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,208
Dude.
239
00:08:09,291 --> 00:08:11,833
Fine, do Film Club.
Be pretentious.
240
00:08:11,916 --> 00:08:14,125
And don't expect to come out
of there and be dateable!
241
00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:16,208
Jack, you gotta go
to the next level!
242
00:08:16,291 --> 00:08:18,833
Oh,
I'm not doing that!
243
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:20,083
But you have to.
244
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,416
I just snapped you.
245
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,875
Come on.
They're gonna run out.
Okay.
246
00:08:22,958 --> 00:08:24,041
Hold on.
I gotta snap her back.
247
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,250
It's a
two-year streak.
248
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,708
Also, I need to be
on her good side
249
00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:28,208
so she's not mad
when I tell her about Jack.
250
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:29,708
Dude, she's gonna be mad
about him no matter what.
251
00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:30,916
Ooh!
Animal Rights Club.
252
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,375
I love animals.
Save the animals!
253
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:35,000
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
254
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:37,416
"I prefer circumcised
to uncircumcised."
255
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,625
Strongly agree.
256
00:08:38,708 --> 00:08:41,125
Doesn't uncircumcised
mean dick cheese?
257
00:08:41,208 --> 00:08:42,375
[ Groans ]
258
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:44,541
Also, isn't everyone
circumcised now?
259
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,416
Here,
but not in France.
260
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,708
There, it's all about
stinky cheese.
261
00:08:48,791 --> 00:08:50,250
I cannot! Ew.
262
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,500
I have a good feeling
about Jack's.
263
00:08:52,583 --> 00:08:55,541
Seriously, I feel slut energy
radiating from you.
264
00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:57,500
Oh! Really?
265
00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,208
You're like
a slut phoenix
266
00:08:59,291 --> 00:09:02,708
rising from the ashes
of being a virgin.
267
00:09:02,791 --> 00:09:04,166
[ Bell dings ]
Oh, fuck.
268
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:06,125
What?
I have to go to
the gay club,
269
00:09:06,208 --> 00:09:07,875
or my dads will
cut off my finances.
270
00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:09,125
[ Sighs ] Boo.
271
00:09:09,208 --> 00:09:11,750
I want you limping
the next time I see you.
272
00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:13,625
Okay!
Bye, bitch!
273
00:09:13,708 --> 00:09:15,625
[ "Born This Way" plays ]
274
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:17,791
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
275
00:09:17,875 --> 00:09:20,916
♪ I was born this way ♪
[ Laughs ]
276
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,541
Come on in!
Wave your freak flag!
277
00:09:22,625 --> 00:09:24,708
Or just be an ally
to a Freak Flagger!
278
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:26,541
Did she just say
"fagger?"
279
00:09:26,625 --> 00:09:28,000
Maybe?
280
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:29,791
♪ Ooh, thereain't no other way ♪
281
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:31,791
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
282
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,875
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
283
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,125
Don't be a drag.
284
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,625
Be a queen.
285
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:38,916
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
286
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,583
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
287
00:09:40,666 --> 00:09:42,083
Good to see you here.
288
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,291
Good to see you here.
289
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,291
But, ooh, baby girl,
you need people.
290
00:09:47,375 --> 00:09:49,750
It looks like Prom
at conversion camp.
291
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:51,625
Ooh. Can we go to
Theater Club next?
292
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,291
I like how Sophie
Deichman-Alperstein...
[ Cellphone chimes ]
293
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,625
...is dressing
kinda slutty now.
Yes.
294
00:09:55,708 --> 00:09:57,625
This was totally worth
the creep factor.
295
00:09:57,708 --> 00:09:59,500
Riley: Chester says come to
GSA for chocolate.
296
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:00,625
Did he say me too?
297
00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:02,416
Come on. Come on.
Thank you.
298
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,291
Yes, thank you,
and praise the Elders!
299
00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:05,875
Why are Mormons
always so hot?
300
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,125
[ Gasps ] Wait.
The Jew meeting.
301
00:10:07,208 --> 00:10:08,708
We have to go.
I love their food.
302
00:10:08,791 --> 00:10:10,041
Like -- Like,
the kanishey thingies.
303
00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,958
Mm.
Oh, my God.
304
00:10:12,041 --> 00:10:13,208
It is Sophie
Deichman-Alperstein,
305
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:15,833
and she is wearing
knee-high socks.
306
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,291
[ Muffled ] Oh, my God.
307
00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:18,500
You are puberty.
308
00:10:18,583 --> 00:10:20,083
Come on.
Let's go to the GSA.
309
00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:21,416
Right now.
Okay.
310
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,250
Come on.
311
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:25,291
H-Hi.
Hey, Jack.
312
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,500
Can I talk to you for a sec?
313
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:27,500
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
314
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:28,750
I'm gonna go
over there.
315
00:10:29,708 --> 00:10:31,375
Dude, you're not
texting me back.
316
00:10:31,458 --> 00:10:34,416
Yeah, sorry, my phone's been,
like, super weird.
317
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,333
Yeah, I kinda feel bad
about Naomi.
318
00:10:36,416 --> 00:10:37,666
Yeah. Y-Y-You don't
mean like --
319
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,666
like, "say something to her"
feel bad, right?
320
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:41,875
'Cause, like, I had
the same thing of, like,
321
00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:43,291
you know,
maybe I should tell her,
322
00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,250
but then I was like --
Wait, wait, wait.
323
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:46,333
So, you were
gonna tell her?
324
00:10:46,416 --> 00:10:48,083
No. No, no, no, no, no.
325
00:10:48,166 --> 00:10:50,708
Um... Are -- Are --
Are you?
326
00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:52,166
Young man: Jack!
327
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:53,666
I gotta go.
328
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:57,666
Stop. Stop.
He won't say anything.
[ Groans ]
329
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:59,166
Come on.
Let's go stress-eat chocolate.
330
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,000
Okay. Let's go.
That's what we need.
331
00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:02,666
Riley: That's what we need.
Come on, horsey!
[ Grunts, laughs ]
332
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:03,833
Come on, horsey!
333
00:11:03,916 --> 00:11:06,500
Whoo! Go!
334
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,041
Show time, people!
335
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:09,625
You coming in?
Come on!
336
00:11:09,708 --> 00:11:11,791
Oh, come on.
Join us!
337
00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:14,000
There we go.
It's a packed house.
338
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,208
Oh, come on. Coming in doesn't
mean coming out, you know.
339
00:11:16,291 --> 00:11:18,041
♪ Ooh, there ain'tno other way ♪
340
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:19,708
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
341
00:11:19,791 --> 00:11:22,458
Just grab a seat
wherever you're...
342
00:11:22,541 --> 00:11:24,208
[ Button clicks, music stops ]
343
00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:26,208
Okay. So!
344
00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:28,583
Maybe we can all introduce
ourselves with a fun fact.
345
00:11:28,666 --> 00:11:30,250
Ooh, can I start?
346
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:32,916
I'm Arianna, and my fun fact is
my parents are gay.
347
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,791
Hey, wow.
That's very special.
348
00:11:34,875 --> 00:11:36,208
Yeah, um, they freaked out
349
00:11:36,291 --> 00:11:37,875
over a couple of jokes I made
this morning
350
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,208
and said
if I didn't come,
351
00:11:39,291 --> 00:11:40,958
they'd stop
paying for my phone.
Oh.
352
00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:43,583
And then I recently learned
that they're thinking of
353
00:11:43,666 --> 00:11:45,875
bringing a third
into their relationship.
354
00:11:45,958 --> 00:11:47,833
They read my texts,
so I was like,
355
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,375
"Let me return
the favor."
356
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,291
Apparently,
when you're gay,
357
00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:53,958
your slut phase lasts
even after you get married.
358
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:56,375
Okay! Okay!
Thank you. Thank you.
359
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,958
Let's -- Let's try
something besides fun facts.
360
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,791
How about, uh,
astrological signs?
361
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:05,250
Like...I'm Sam. I'm a Virgo.
362
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,791
Some people say that
it's the snobbiest sign,
363
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:09,916
but obviously,
those people have bad taste.
364
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,416
[ Chuckles ]
365
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:14,583
Thank you.
Oh! I get it now.
366
00:12:14,666 --> 00:12:15,916
Thank you.
367
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,500
Hi! Uh, I'm Chester.
I'm a Scorpio.
368
00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:23,416
Uh...if you hurt me,
I'll pretend to be unbothered
369
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,875
and then
literally kill you.
370
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:26,958
Who wants
to be friends?
371
00:12:27,041 --> 00:12:28,833
[ Alarm blares ]
372
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,375
Woman over P.A.:
Teachers and students,may I have your attention?
373
00:12:31,458 --> 00:12:33,458
The school is in lockdown.
374
00:12:33,541 --> 00:12:34,875
Shit on my dick!
375
00:12:34,958 --> 00:12:37,458
Everyone stay calm!
376
00:12:37,541 --> 00:12:39,833
Okay, please, I'm begging you,
just remain calm!
377
00:12:39,916 --> 00:12:41,375
Sam: Someone grab the blinds.
378
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:42,750
I'm gonna give you a notebook
to write your name in.
379
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:43,916
Pass it along.
380
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,541
Oh. Okay. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
381
00:12:45,625 --> 00:12:47,125
Okay, I'm sure they'll tell us
soon if this is a drill.
382
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:49,250
Let's take this seriously,
everyone, but not panic.
383
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,458
Please don't panic!
Yeah, don't panic.
384
00:12:51,541 --> 00:12:53,625
There are a ton more
panic-worthy things
385
00:12:53,708 --> 00:12:54,833
happening in the world,
386
00:12:54,916 --> 00:12:59,000
like 150 animals
go extinct every day,
387
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:02,791
and every 0.3 seconds,
someone dies of starvation.
388
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,875
These are good things
to panic about.
389
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:07,666
Pan-ic. Health-i-ly.
Peo-ple.
390
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,583
Chester.
Come on. Sit down.
391
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:12,583
Listen, the bad news is,
this sucks.
392
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,041
The good news is,
you're locked in a room
393
00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:16,833
with a licensed counselor.
394
00:13:16,916 --> 00:13:18,833
Well, some of you might
consider that bad news.
395
00:13:18,916 --> 00:13:21,291
In any case, there's a spot
here next to me
396
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,500
if anyone wants to
talk about anything.
397
00:13:26,291 --> 00:13:27,916
Or not.
398
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:32,541
[ Bag thuds ]
399
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:35,000
[ Cellphones swish, chime ]
400
00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,458
A woman sunbathing
was fatally stabbed
401
00:13:43,541 --> 00:13:46,250
when the wind blew a beach
umbrella into her chest.
402
00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:52,250
A man in Iceland fell
into an active volcano
403
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,875
while taking a selfie.
404
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:58,000
Yeah.
[ Speaking native language ]
405
00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:00,375
Greta: Ana, it's okay.
406
00:14:00,458 --> 00:14:02,000
It's probably
just a drill.
407
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:04,208
Ana: Should I cometo get you?
No, you --
408
00:14:04,291 --> 00:14:07,333
They won't let you
come to the school.
409
00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:08,708
I know you're worried.
410
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:10,625
[ Cellphone beeps ]
411
00:14:10,708 --> 00:14:11,833
I love you a lot, too.
412
00:14:11,916 --> 00:14:16,708
[ Crying ]
I'm freaking out.
413
00:14:16,791 --> 00:14:18,458
I'm freaking out.
414
00:14:18,541 --> 00:14:20,291
[ Crying stops ]
415
00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:23,291
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Crying ]
416
00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:25,375
I'm freaking --
417
00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:28,250
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Crying ]
418
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,250
Oh, my God. I think
there's a shooter outside.
419
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,375
Like, I think they're
gonna come in.
420
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:35,166
I'm too young to die.
421
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,833
[ Sobbing ]
I'm freaking out!
422
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:41,583
Uh, Arianna?
[ Cellphone chimes, swishes ]
423
00:14:41,666 --> 00:14:43,166
Arianna.
424
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,041
Oh, no, I'm good.
425
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:47,833
I'm just having fun
with my dads.
426
00:14:47,916 --> 00:14:49,166
Okay.
427
00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:52,583
Hey, listen, i-it's okay
if you're scared.
428
00:14:52,666 --> 00:14:55,916
Yeah, I-I-I wouldn't mind just
acknowledging, by the way,
429
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,750
how -- how seriously crazy
our world is right now.
430
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:01,750
I'm sorry, I just -- just think
it's helpful to voice that
431
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:03,500
every once in awhile, and --
432
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:06,708
and I'm still here
to talk if anyone wants.
433
00:15:06,791 --> 00:15:09,041
[ Students whispering ]
434
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:11,041
I mean,
the one thing is,
435
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:12,958
we're pretty used to
stuff like this.
436
00:15:13,041 --> 00:15:15,041
Also, why freak out
437
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:17,875
when we're all gonna be dead
by 2050 anyway, right?
438
00:15:20,125 --> 00:15:21,375
What?
439
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:24,291
Why does anyone care
about joining a club
440
00:15:24,375 --> 00:15:27,375
to fix a world that's literally
gonna be uninhabitable?
441
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,875
Are you for real
right now?
No.
442
00:15:29,958 --> 00:15:31,000
'Cause you know
this is something
443
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:32,541
I'd want to talk about.
I know.
444
00:15:32,625 --> 00:15:34,291
You call your grandma?
No.
445
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:36,125
She's at work
and not really a texter,
446
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:37,875
and so if I call her,
she'll see it's me
447
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:39,291
and have a heart attack.
448
00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:40,625
That would suck, so...
449
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:42,583
When I called to
get your phone number
450
00:15:42,666 --> 00:15:44,458
'cause of the really
alarming picture you sent
451
00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:46,083
on the edge of a roof,
she was like,
452
00:15:46,166 --> 00:15:48,000
"Yeah, I'll give you his number,
but if you're lying and turn out
453
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:51,750
to be some creepy stalker,
I'll find you and kill you."
I love her.
454
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,333
Riley: My mom says
Next Door Neighbor is saying
455
00:15:53,416 --> 00:15:55,375
there's some sort of
suspicious activity nearby.
456
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,208
Is that, like, "shooter on
the loose" suspicious activity?
457
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,416
Or like, the time it was
just some homeless guy
458
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,875
wandering around
with a stick
459
00:16:01,958 --> 00:16:03,791
and it took them four hours
to figure it out?
460
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:06,916
I was so hungry
during that one.
It was actually
five hours,
461
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,666
and I only know that
'cause I got through almost
462
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:11,041
half of the first season
of "Friends."
463
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,833
You know,
some sophomore in Orange
464
00:16:12,916 --> 00:16:15,166
literally became TikTok famous
during a lockdown?
465
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,875
I don't know. She says there's
like 400,000 police cars.
466
00:16:17,958 --> 00:16:19,708
[ Loud pop ]
[ Students gasp ]
467
00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:22,208
Sorry, guys.
468
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:23,958
♪ Ain't nobody better than me ♪
469
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:25,958
♪ Got the nourishment you need,vitamin P ♪
470
00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:28,500
♪ P for pussy, P for power,P for pride and prestige ♪
471
00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:30,750
♪ P for poppin', P for price,P for packin' them things ♪
472
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:33,166
♪ I mean, what could bebetter than me? ♪
473
00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:35,208
♪ Burger B serving your needs,vitamin P ♪
474
00:16:35,291 --> 00:16:38,500
Chester: Uh...I mean,
Paris runway is up at the top,
475
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,166
and honestly, I can't
even decide if I'd rather
476
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,541
walk in a show or just be, like,
477
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,083
a coldhearted bitch
in the front row
478
00:16:43,166 --> 00:16:44,500
with, like,
the bug-eyed sunglasses.
479
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:46,041
You know what I'm talking about?
[ Chuckles ]
480
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:47,791
Um...summering in Sweden
481
00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:51,541
with some daddy
named Lars, obviously.
482
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:55,000
Also getting over my
fear of death would be nice.
483
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:57,708
That one's...
more long-term, maybe,
484
00:16:57,791 --> 00:17:01,958
and hard to do when, like, the
whole point of a Fuck-It List
485
00:17:02,041 --> 00:17:04,250
is to think about things you
want to do before you die,
486
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:06,541
which only reinforces
your fear of death.
487
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:09,583
I want to do the ten-pound
burger challenge
488
00:17:09,666 --> 00:17:10,833
and the Rainbow Milk
challenge.
489
00:17:10,916 --> 00:17:12,416
I want to go to
some small village
490
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:13,833
where no one
speaks English
491
00:17:13,916 --> 00:17:16,958
and I can't understand
what anyone is saying,
492
00:17:17,041 --> 00:17:22,208
and I just sit in a café
and, like, listen.
I love that.
493
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,958
I want to punch someone
in the face for no reason,
494
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:28,916
but, like,
really, really hard.
495
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,583
I-I definitely
want to skydive.
496
00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:32,708
Oh, and I want to spend the
night in "It's a Small World."
497
00:17:32,791 --> 00:17:34,500
Yes. I want to
do that so bad.
498
00:17:34,583 --> 00:17:35,541
Ugh. That song.
499
00:17:35,625 --> 00:17:37,208
Really?
It always made me cry.
500
00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:39,750
I don't know. Just, like,
everyone's happy
501
00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:41,916
and connected in
their little, racist groups.
502
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,125
Yeah, no, I mean,
I secretly love it, too.
503
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,416
The song. Not racism.
504
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,500
I obviously don't secretly
love racism.
505
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:55,250
I just want to go to college.
506
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:58,000
Doesn't matter so much
which one.
507
00:17:58,083 --> 00:17:59,416
It's just that...
508
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,833
like, we're not
all dead or whatever
509
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,916
and people are actually
still going to college.
510
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:09,916
♪♪
511
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,625
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
512
00:18:11,708 --> 00:18:13,458
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
513
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:14,625
♪ No touchin' ♪
514
00:18:14,708 --> 00:18:16,375
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
515
00:18:16,458 --> 00:18:19,458
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
516
00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:21,125
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
517
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,166
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
518
00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,000
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
519
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,458
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
520
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,916
[ Water bottle crunching ]
521
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:39,291
♪♪
522
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:41,791
J: [ Chuckles ] Here's some
useless information --
523
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:45,166
so, a guy robbed a Quiznos,
and they can't find him.
524
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:49,000
He had a gun, um, which may
or may not have been fake,
525
00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:52,750
and a duffel bag full of
semi-automatic rifles,
526
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:53,833
or fishing gear.
527
00:18:53,916 --> 00:18:55,625
The cashier couldn't tell.
528
00:18:55,708 --> 00:18:58,291
[ Crunching continues ]
529
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:06,625
♪♪
530
00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:10,500
[ Crunching stops ]
531
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,333
Nathan: He's wearing a Supreme
hat. He's obviously not gay.
532
00:19:13,416 --> 00:19:14,708
Hmm.
533
00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:17,625
Also, can we talk about
how disappointing it is
534
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:20,708
that the one hot Black teacher
in our school sucks dick?
535
00:19:20,791 --> 00:19:23,375
Okay, you -- you can't
say shit like that.
536
00:19:23,458 --> 00:19:25,208
My comedy's edgy, okay?
537
00:19:25,291 --> 00:19:26,500
And you know what?
538
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,125
I got lotsa gay in my life.
539
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,833
I love my gay, but people being
precious -- no. I itch.
540
00:19:31,916 --> 00:19:34,791
Like, get me some calamine
and shut the fuck up.
541
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,000
Who are you, by the way?
542
00:19:37,083 --> 00:19:38,208
I was just looking
for another club
543
00:19:38,291 --> 00:19:40,083
when the lockdown
happened.
544
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:42,291
MELT?
The Mormon club?
545
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,083
[ Chuckling ] Oh, damn.
546
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:49,208
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
547
00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:55,333
♪♪
548
00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:56,708
Oh, hot.
549
00:19:56,791 --> 00:19:58,208
You like those?
550
00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:00,875
Like you'd do things
with those?
Yeah. Definitely.
551
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:02,541
Oh, my God. Perv.
552
00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:04,416
Those are
your sister's knees.
553
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,250
Ew! Fuck! What? What?
554
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,291
Why is she even sending you
fake tit pics?
555
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,083
Quality control before
they go to Jack.
556
00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:15,791
'Cause they about to go
boom-boom-boom in the bathroom.
557
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:17,416
Wait -- Wait, he's actually
going to see her right now?
558
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,125
What's wrong?
Uh...nothing.
559
00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:20,583
I think I heard
something about him.
560
00:20:20,666 --> 00:20:23,416
You know, like,
some sort of...STD thing.
561
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,458
Ugh. God. Yeah. So,
maybe you should tell her.
562
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,000
I-I think you should.
Nah.
563
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:28,791
Jack's an honors student.
564
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:31,208
That there is good, clean,
academic dick.
565
00:20:31,291 --> 00:20:32,875
She's fine.
But what if
there is a shooter?
566
00:20:32,958 --> 00:20:34,250
I mean, d-does she actually
want blood on her hands
567
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:35,333
just to catch a dick
or whatever?
568
00:20:35,416 --> 00:20:36,500
There is no way
569
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:40,416
I'm coming between her mouth
and his junk.
570
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,916
Chester: Ugh!
I'm so over this lockdown!
571
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,041
[ Indistinct conversations ]
572
00:20:46,125 --> 00:20:52,250
♪♪
573
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:54,125
You okay?
574
00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:57,625
Yeah. Just sometimes my heart
beats too fast.
575
00:20:58,541 --> 00:20:59,791
I don't really
know why.
576
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,083
They just have to
take it seriously
577
00:21:01,166 --> 00:21:02,250
'cause it's
near a school.
578
00:21:02,333 --> 00:21:03,333
Yeah, I know. I-I know.
579
00:21:03,416 --> 00:21:04,458
It's not even
really about that.
580
00:21:04,541 --> 00:21:07,208
It's just, um,
sometimes...
581
00:21:07,291 --> 00:21:09,250
small spaces
kinda stress me out.
582
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:10,958
Probably comes from
being trapped in
583
00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:13,125
too many rooms
with arguing parents.
584
00:21:13,208 --> 00:21:14,833
That sucks.
It's fine.
585
00:21:14,916 --> 00:21:17,125
It's just...you know.
586
00:21:20,166 --> 00:21:22,625
I'm sorry about
the texts this morning.
587
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:23,958
Huh?
588
00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:25,791
Oh. Please.
589
00:21:25,875 --> 00:21:29,750
I once texted, "I'm so wet"
to my Dad by accident.
590
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,791
[ Both chuckle ]
591
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:35,375
Doesn't this morning
feel like 100 years ago?
592
00:21:35,458 --> 00:21:38,458
[ Sighs ]
593
00:21:38,541 --> 00:21:40,458
I was such a bitch
to my mom.
594
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,958
[ Exhales deeply ]
595
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:46,500
Oh, wait. Shit.
Fuck. Sorry.
596
00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:48,291
No. No, it's fine.
I'm sorry.
597
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:50,333
I heard about your mom.
Seriously.
598
00:21:52,666 --> 00:21:58,041
This sounds so shitty,
but it's just...
599
00:21:58,125 --> 00:22:00,833
less stressful,
her not being here.
600
00:22:00,916 --> 00:22:03,583
Why do you think I moved
into the shed in my yard?
601
00:22:03,666 --> 00:22:05,500
[ Sighs ]
602
00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:07,166
It was all a mistake.
603
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,916
She actually
has her papers.
604
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,458
She's with her family
in Guadalajara
605
00:22:11,541 --> 00:22:14,083
until they
sort it all out,
606
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:17,000
and secretly,
I think she's okay, too.
607
00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:19,375
They all binge
"The Crown" together.
For real?
608
00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:21,750
Yeah, but she thinks it's
like a telenovela,
609
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:24,791
so, she's all like, "Ooh,
La Reina, she's such a bitch.
610
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:27,041
Season two, she's gonna totally
behead her husband."
611
00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:29,916
[ Both laugh ]
612
00:22:34,958 --> 00:22:37,333
Still?
613
00:22:37,416 --> 00:22:38,541
Yeah.
614
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:39,875
[ Exhales deeply ]
615
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:43,166
I had this whole
heart-racing thing
616
00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,083
after my mom
showed me "E.T."
617
00:22:45,166 --> 00:22:47,500
I hated that movie.
618
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,458
I wish E.T. had died.
619
00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:50,958
Me too.
620
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,958
My mom, she would do
this rhyming thing,
621
00:22:59,041 --> 00:23:02,666
if I was, like,
sick or something.
622
00:23:02,750 --> 00:23:05,791
She would go,
"Sana sana, colita de Rana,
623
00:23:05,875 --> 00:23:08,208
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana."
624
00:23:08,291 --> 00:23:11,791
It was so dumb,
but it worked.
625
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:14,541
And she would do
this thing with my hand.
626
00:23:15,833 --> 00:23:17,750
What'd she do?
627
00:23:17,833 --> 00:23:27,041
♪♪
628
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:30,250
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
629
00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:33,875
no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
630
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,166
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
631
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:44,041
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
That's nice.
632
00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:46,583
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
633
00:23:46,666 --> 00:23:50,000
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
634
00:23:50,083 --> 00:23:51,083
Sana sana...
635
00:23:51,166 --> 00:23:54,416
Oh, 'ack, I 'uv 'ur 'ock!
636
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:57,250
[ Muffled ]
It is so hard!
637
00:23:57,333 --> 00:23:58,500
♪ Bitch, get off my wave ♪
638
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,041
♪ I got ways, I got hella ways ♪
639
00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:01,791
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Sighs ]
640
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,583
♪ I got ways,bitch, get off my wave ♪
What?
641
00:24:03,666 --> 00:24:05,125
Nathan: Hi, I know you'reprobably gonna hate me,
642
00:24:05,208 --> 00:24:06,833
but there's something Ihave to tell you,
643
00:24:06,916 --> 00:24:08,333
[ Knock on door ]
and I know you'regonna be mad --
644
00:24:08,416 --> 00:24:09,958
I can't talk.
I'm getting some.
Wait!
645
00:24:10,041 --> 00:24:11,708
Chester: But at least
we have our guns.
Fuck!
646
00:24:11,791 --> 00:24:13,333
Second Amendment.
[ Gunfire on cellphone game ]
647
00:24:13,416 --> 00:24:15,291
Plus, if you think about it,
we're probably, like,
648
00:24:15,375 --> 00:24:18,125
the fifth-most-hated
club on campus.
649
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:21,000
I mean, any shooter
is obviously going to
650
00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:22,916
the Black Student
Union first.
651
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,333
No other group in America
has had more violence
652
00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:27,541
inflicted upon them
653
00:24:27,625 --> 00:24:30,708
both systematically
and interpersonally.
654
00:24:30,791 --> 00:24:35,125
Unless it's, like, some
immigrant-hating MAGA guy,
655
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:37,916
'cause then he's
going to MEChA first.
656
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:41,333
Although, it could be,
like, Hillel,
657
00:24:41,416 --> 00:24:44,916
if he's, like, more
of a retro Jew-hater.
658
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,250
On the other hand...
659
00:24:47,333 --> 00:24:48,500
people do hate women.
660
00:24:48,583 --> 00:24:50,333
[ Chuckles ]
Like, really hate them,
661
00:24:50,416 --> 00:24:52,833
so, Girls' League is an option.
662
00:24:52,916 --> 00:24:55,000
'Course, this room,
we got it all.
663
00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:57,666
We got black, brown, gay, girls.
664
00:24:57,750 --> 00:25:00,791
So, maybe for efficiency,
they'll just come here.
665
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:03,166
Multiple birds, one stone
kinda type deal --
666
00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:04,750
Nathan:
Can you just stop?
667
00:25:06,041 --> 00:25:08,125
It's not funny.
668
00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:11,291
What are you talking about?
It's fucking hilarious.
669
00:25:11,375 --> 00:25:13,541
Also, the meaning of life
is that it stops.
670
00:25:13,625 --> 00:25:14,958
Sam: Okay. Okay.
671
00:25:15,041 --> 00:25:18,083
Um, maybe, uh, time for
some more music.
672
00:25:18,166 --> 00:25:19,791
Riley: So, what are
we listening to?
673
00:25:19,875 --> 00:25:22,250
Fair warning,
if it's Shawn Mendes,
674
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:23,750
I'm going on
a shooting rampage.
675
00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:25,916
Plus, he had those
racially insensitive tweets.
676
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,583
Plus he sucks.
Okay, here,
here, here.
677
00:25:27,666 --> 00:25:29,833
I'm gonna connect and
randomly play something
678
00:25:29,916 --> 00:25:31,708
from Spotify, okay?
There we go.
679
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,125
♪ The sun is coming up again ♪
680
00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:36,166
♪ Lookin' like it'sgonna be a problem ♪
681
00:25:36,250 --> 00:25:38,250
♪ 'Cause I'd be ly-- ♪
[ Music stops ]
682
00:25:38,333 --> 00:25:39,666
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
683
00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:41,375
I don't want to listen to
something basic.
684
00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:42,458
I don't. Like, why?
685
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,083
Like, why is life
always a fucking
686
00:25:44,166 --> 00:25:46,875
lowest-common-denominator
compromise?
687
00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:50,041
Chester.
688
00:25:50,125 --> 00:25:51,458
Can I talk to you?
689
00:25:53,041 --> 00:25:55,208
Come...talk...to me.
690
00:26:00,541 --> 00:26:02,666
J, put on something
everyone likes.
691
00:26:07,583 --> 00:26:09,041
Sit down a sec.
692
00:26:13,041 --> 00:26:19,625
♪♪
693
00:26:19,708 --> 00:26:21,125
I know how stressful
this is.
694
00:26:21,208 --> 00:26:23,458
It's not stressful.
It's just dumb.
695
00:26:26,708 --> 00:26:30,125
And then it turns out
the school now rotocalls,
696
00:26:30,208 --> 00:26:31,916
so my Nonna did find out
697
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,833
about this stupid
fucking lockdown
698
00:26:33,916 --> 00:26:35,458
and is now all stressed,
'cause besides
699
00:26:35,541 --> 00:26:38,375
her douchey QAnon brother,
like, I'm all she has.
700
00:26:38,458 --> 00:26:40,750
Like, they did not need to
do that to her.
701
00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:47,041
♪♪
702
00:26:47,125 --> 00:26:49,916
So, a poodle in
Buenos Aires fell --
Oh, come on!
703
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,291
Just listen.
Just listen.
704
00:26:52,375 --> 00:26:55,125
A poodle in Buenos Aires
fell 13 floors,
705
00:26:55,208 --> 00:26:59,791
randomly hitting a woman,
killing both instantly.
706
00:26:59,875 --> 00:27:01,291
While witnessing
the incident,
707
00:27:01,375 --> 00:27:04,625
another woman
gets hit by a bus.
708
00:27:04,708 --> 00:27:08,583
Meanwhile, a man saw
the second woman's death,
709
00:27:08,666 --> 00:27:11,958
had a heart attack, and died
on the way to the hospital.
710
00:27:12,041 --> 00:27:19,875
♪♪
711
00:27:19,958 --> 00:27:23,875
A pallbearer in Finland
712
00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:27,833
died tripping over a stone
while carrying a coffin.
713
00:27:27,916 --> 00:27:33,833
♪♪
714
00:27:33,916 --> 00:27:39,833
♪♪
715
00:27:39,916 --> 00:27:43,333
A mother died of cancer.
716
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:51,375
[ Students laughing ]
717
00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:55,208
[ Indistinct conversations ]
718
00:27:55,291 --> 00:27:57,125
Riley: Oh, my God.
719
00:27:58,708 --> 00:28:01,125
-Oh, no. That is so gross.
-Whoa!
720
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:03,541
Doctor: ...soft-serve.
Oh, they're
pinching it so hard.
721
00:28:03,625 --> 00:28:05,208
Nathan:
Is that blood? Oh, my God.
722
00:28:05,291 --> 00:28:08,083
Doctor: Oh.
[ Laughter ]
723
00:28:08,166 --> 00:28:10,333
Why is it
so satisfying?
724
00:28:10,416 --> 00:28:12,041
I think 'cause all
the nasty shit comes out.
725
00:28:12,125 --> 00:28:16,000
Riley: Yeah, and it's, like,
pimples you can control.
726
00:28:16,083 --> 00:28:17,250
Chester: What?
727
00:28:17,333 --> 00:28:19,291
Together: Oh, my God.
728
00:28:19,375 --> 00:28:22,875
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
729
00:28:22,958 --> 00:28:24,541
[ Alarm blares ]
730
00:28:24,625 --> 00:28:26,250
Woman on P.A.:
Lockdown has ended.
731
00:28:26,333 --> 00:28:28,250
Teachers and students,may I have your attention?
732
00:28:28,333 --> 00:28:30,375
Lockdown has ended.
Nathan: It literally looks
like a milkshake.
733
00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:32,250
Ugh.
[ All groan ]
734
00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:35,250
It's dripping!
It's dripping!
Aah!
735
00:28:35,333 --> 00:28:37,500
♪ I thought I came,
but I peed on the dick ♪
736
00:28:37,583 --> 00:28:39,750
♪ Pubic hair got inches,
that's weave on the dick ♪
737
00:28:39,833 --> 00:28:42,041
♪ Pussy like a tree,
it got leaves on the shit ♪
738
00:28:42,125 --> 00:28:44,416
♪ Bang-bang this pussy,
Chief Keef with the dick ♪
739
00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:46,583
♪ Climbing on that dick,
need a 10-feet ladder ♪
740
00:28:46,666 --> 00:28:48,916
♪ I love the D,
that's my favorite ladder ♪
741
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,708
♪ Sloppy Toppy for papi,
leave Sloppy Joe shook ♪
742
00:28:51,791 --> 00:28:54,166
Is that a birthmark?
Yeah.
743
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:57,458
♪ I can make
your dick stand up ♪
744
00:28:57,541 --> 00:28:59,083
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Like Statue of Liberty ♪
745
00:28:59,166 --> 00:29:00,916
Oh, my fucking God!
746
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,458
♪ So hard ♪
747
00:29:02,541 --> 00:29:04,833
♪ Tap the head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
748
00:29:04,916 --> 00:29:06,833
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
749
00:29:06,916 --> 00:29:09,125
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
when he fuck this cooch ♪
750
00:29:09,208 --> 00:29:11,791
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
751
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,041
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
752
00:29:14,125 --> 00:29:16,041
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
753
00:29:16,125 --> 00:29:18,291
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
when he fuck this cooch ♪
754
00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:20,791
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
755
00:29:20,875 --> 00:29:23,125
♪ Twat so wet, you could
take a cruise on it ♪
756
00:29:23,208 --> 00:29:25,458
♪ Suckin' yo' neck till
I leave a bruise on it ♪
757
00:29:25,541 --> 00:29:27,833
♪ Let you eat the pussy,
just don't use a spoon on it ♪
758
00:29:27,916 --> 00:29:29,791
♪ Put it in a box like you
'bout to move on it ♪
759
00:29:29,875 --> 00:29:31,875
♪ This that submarine pussy,
Mr. Clean pussy ♪
760
00:29:31,958 --> 00:29:33,333
♪ This that I'm 'bout to fuck
you longer ♪
761
00:29:33,416 --> 00:29:34,791
♪ Than a limousine pussy ♪
762
00:29:34,875 --> 00:29:36,708
♪ High self-esteem pussy,
it's a dream pussy ♪
763
00:29:36,791 --> 00:29:39,250
♪ If you're broke than a pussy
actin' funny like a meme pussy ♪
764
00:29:39,333 --> 00:29:41,125
♪ Easy Bake Oven and this pussy
so similar ♪
765
00:29:41,208 --> 00:29:43,625
♪ Touchin' your head but it
ain't checkin' a temperature ♪
766
00:29:43,708 --> 00:29:46,125
♪ Got that dick on lock
like a motherfuckin' prisoner ♪
767
00:29:46,208 --> 00:29:48,000
♪ Nut in my pussy hair,
jumpin' on your dick ♪
768
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:50,291
♪ Tell your grandma sew my pussy
since you split open my slit ♪
769
00:29:50,375 --> 00:29:52,791
♪ Coochie guaranteed to put you
to sleep so damn soon ♪
770
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:55,125
♪ Ridin' on that dick,
I'm readin' "Goodnight Moon" ♪
771
00:29:55,208 --> 00:29:56,916
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine ♪
772
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,083
♪ Can't eat it 'til there's
money between, money between ♪
773
00:29:59,166 --> 00:30:01,333
♪ This pussy is a vending
machine, vending machine ♪
774
00:30:01,416 --> 00:30:04,208
♪ Can't eat it 'til there's
money between, money between ♪
775
00:30:04,291 --> 00:30:06,416
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
776
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,375
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
777
00:30:08,458 --> 00:30:10,458
♪ Can't eat it until there's
money between, money between ♪
778
00:30:10,541 --> 00:30:13,250
♪ This pussy is a vending
machine, vending machine ♪
779
00:30:13,333 --> 00:30:17,041
♪♪
55445
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