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NARRATOR:
Previously on The Big Bang Theory:
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We were worried about you.
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00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,083
Don't be melodramatic.
4
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I'm just getting on a train
and leaving forever.
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00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,927
A few things don't go your way...
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00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,801
...and your best decision is
to ride the rails like a hobo?
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Leonard, I am overwhelmed.
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Everything is changing
and it's simply too much.
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I need to get away and think.
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- Sheldon.
- Yes?
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I'm gonna miss you.
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Of course you are.
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- You just made that easier.
PENNY: Mm-hm.
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Excuse me.
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Is it at all possible
that you're knitting a pair of pants?
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00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,881
Oh, no. You're understandably terrified.
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You know, allow me to explain.
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Forty-five days ago...
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...um, I embarked
on a railroad journey of healing...
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00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,963
...because my university
was making me do string theory...
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...my favorite comic-book store
burned down...
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...and when my roommate got engaged,
my girlfriend wanted to move in with me.
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Which was no doubt a ploy just to see my...
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...well, excuse my language,
but my bathing-suit parts.
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Sir, may I use your phone?
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I don't think so.
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I understand that I'm half-naked...
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...but there is a reasonable explanation.
While I slept in my sleeper car...
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...all my possessions were stolen.
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Now, typically, I wear pajamas...
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...but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle...
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...and pajamas are
the sleep-pants of the man.
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I'll have you know
Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants...
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...and a nation rallied behind him!
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My good man, now, before you walk away,
I know that I may appear deranged...
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...but I am, in fact,
a world-renowned physicist.
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Ask me the difference between a boson
and a fermion. Go ahead, ask.
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Bosons have integer spin.
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Fermions have half-integer spin.
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My legs are getting cold.
Why won't anybody help me?
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- Morning.
- Hi. Want to do yoga with me?
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Uh, let me just have some coffee first...
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...and then I'll have the strength
to tell you how much I won't be doing that.
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[PHONE RINGING]
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- Hello?
- Hello, Leonard.
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Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.
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I'm in Kingman, Arizona...
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...and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.
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I'd love to, I'm just about
to do yoga with Penny.
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Leonard, I'm at the police station.
I was robbed.
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They took my phone,
my wallet, my iPad, everything.
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- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
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I'm wearing borrowed pants...
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...I don't have ID...
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...and one of the officers here
won't stop calling me Chicken Legs.
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Okay, I'll come get you.
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- What's the address?
- Hey, what's going on?
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- He got all of his stuff stolen.
SHELDON: 2530 E. Andy Devine Ave.
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- Okay.
SHELDON: Hurry.
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Sheldon, hang tight.
Hey, do you want me to bring anything?
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Yes, please. A pair of pants.
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And my toothbrush.
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And my mail. And a really good comeback
for Chicken Legs...
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...because, "I know you are, but what am I?"
was met with stony silence.
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I'll be there as soon as I can.
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- Is he okay?
- Yeah, he's fine. He's just a little rattled.
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- Feel like driving to Arizona?
- I can't. I have that job interview.
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- Right.
- Besides, I don't need six hours of:
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"Your hair is different.
Why did you change?
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I'm holding my breath
until your hair grows back."
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All right, fine.
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Can you think of a reason
I shouldn't invite Amy to come with me?
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- No.
- Come on, you didn't even try.
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- Thanks for the lift.
- What's wrong with your car?
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I'm having my windows untinted.
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Why?
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I got a hot girlfriend now.
I want the haters to know.
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What are you talking about?
No one's paying attention to you.
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Wow.
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How's that Haterade taste, bro?
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Hey, this isn't the way to work.
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I just want to pop in
and make sure Ma's okay.
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- I thought Stuart was looking after her.
- He was.
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But now that her cast is off, he moved out.
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And, honestly, I'm kind of glad.
It was getting a little weird.
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- How so?
- I don't know.
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They're chummy.
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Like us?
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No, not like us. Creepy chummy.
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Like you and your dog.
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00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,208
She feeds him out of her own mouth?
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I mean, he calls her Debbie,
she calls him Stewie...
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...and they're all giggly around each other.
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And believe me, when food goes
in that mouth, it does not come out.
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00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,642
So are you worried
because he's replacing you as a son...
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00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,764
...or are you worried
because he's becoming her lover?
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First of all, no one can replace me as a son.
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I'm her little matzo ball.
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And secondly, my mother is well past
having any kind of sex life.
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Okay, okay.
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- Although, many older women lead vibrant...
- I said, well past it!
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00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,608
Excuse me, Officer Hernandez.
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Any leads on the person
who stole my belongings?
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- Not yet.
- Perhaps I can help.
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Sherlock Holmes always says,
"When you eliminate the impossible...
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...whatever remains, however improbable,
must be the truth."
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00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,364
Now, have you tried doing that?
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Nope.
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Well, maybe you should.
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There's lots of books
called Sherlock Holmes...
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...and there's no books
called Officer Hernandez.
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Thanks again for coming.
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Six hours was gonna be
a long drive by myself.
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My pleasure.
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I'm not angry
that my boyfriend was in trouble...
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...and called you instead of me. I love that.
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Yeah, time's gonna fly by.
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I haven't been on a job interview in years.
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- I'm really nervous.
- Don't be.
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You are built for pharmaceutical sales.
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You're cute, you're flirty and...
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Started that like there were
gonna be three things.
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I don't have any experience in sales...
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...unless you count
the bikini car wash I did in school...
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...but you already made me
take that off my résumé.
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00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,322
This job is a lot like being a waitress.
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00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,484
Except, instead of pushing fish tacos
because they'll go bad...
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00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,529
...you're pushing our antidepressants...
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00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,002
...before the FDA finds out
they may cause rectal bleeding.
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They do?
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Maybe.
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00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:25,723
Like our lawyers say, "The world is full
of things that can cause a rectum to bleed."
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00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,246
I talked you up to Dan.
He'll be interviewing you.
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Ugh, I really appreciate this.
I just hope I'm not in over my head.
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- You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
- I wish I felt more confident.
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I wouldn't put you up for this
if you couldn't handle it.
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- Thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
- It's too late to cancel, you're going.
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But I don't know anything
about pharmaceuticals.
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00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,609
Oh, I understand. You wanna
do something you're already good at.
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00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,489
I know, why don't I get you a job...
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...at the sitting-around-all-day-
wearing-yoga-pants factory?
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They're comfortable.
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00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:08,009
Ma, I hope you're decent. Raj is here.
You just started seeing naked women again...
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...and I don't want you to be confused
about where the boobs should be.
145
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,283
Oh. Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?
146
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Uh, what are you doing here?
I thought you moved out.
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Oh, yeah. I was going to.
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And then Debbie and I got to talking
over dinner the other night.
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I didn't have any place to go,
she likes having me around...
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...so we both said, "Why leave?"
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At the same time. Ha-ha-ha.
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Yeah, it was precious.
153
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It's not that precious, heh.
154
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I'd like to back you up,
but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
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MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Stewie, I can't find my glasses.
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Be right there, Deb-Deb.
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Oh, they're probably on her head.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Or in her neck. Listen.
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00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:02,284
You staying here seems like something
she would've talked to me about.
161
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,649
Well, maybe if you called your mother
more often, you'd know.
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[SCOFFS]
163
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Wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone.
164
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,842
[CHEWING LOUDLY]
165
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Any word on my stolen items?
166
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,244
We're doing everything we can.
167
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:36,287
You know, Sherlock Holmes liked
to use cocaine to sharpen his focus.
168
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,488
But I'm sure those
Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.
169
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Sheldon.
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00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,641
Leonard. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
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- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine. Why did you come?
172
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,444
What do you mean, why did I come?
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You're my boyfriend.
I haven't seen you in over a month.
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I just drove six hours to help you out.
175
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,688
Don't you have anything to say besides,
"Why did you come?"
176
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:09,041
I do, but I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud
in front of these police officers.
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00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,689
Fine. Whisper it.
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00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,843
[WHISPERS]
Shotgun.
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00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,930
So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip.
Where'd you go?
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00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,411
Where didn't I go?
181
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,723
I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta...
182
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...Denver, Seattle.
183
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,326
How were they?
184
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,211
Oh, I have no idea.
I never left the train station.
185
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:48,125
Hang on. You traveled across the entire country
and never left a train station?
186
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,166
Why would I?
That's where all the cool trains are.
187
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,167
I'm sorry. So you never went outside?
188
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,687
Or had a single piece of fruit.
189
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:06,811
So why do you think you'd make
a good pharmaceuticals sales rep?
190
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,209
Well, I'm a people person.
191
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,966
People like me.
Some of my favorite people are people.
192
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:17,724
I feel like I'm saying "people" a lot.
People, people, people... Okay, I'm done.
193
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,044
You sure?
194
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,368
People. Yes.
195
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,362
Good. Ahem. So how do you feel
your previous job experience...
196
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,330
...has prepared you for a career like this?
197
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,564
Uh, well, as a waitress,
sales was a big part of my job.
198
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,326
Believe me, I convinced a lot
of very large customers...
199
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,404
...who should not be eating cheesecake
to have more cheesecake.
200
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,530
I mean, one of those chubsters
even had an insulin pump.
201
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,491
I have an insulin pump.
202
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,689
People.
203
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,245
It's weird, right?
204
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,603
A grown man in his 30s
living with my mother?
205
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,560
That is weird. I thought he was, like, 45.
206
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,130
- Come on, you don't think it's a little odd?
- I don't know.
207
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:12,569
She's lonely, he needs a place to stay.
I doubt there's any funny business going on.
208
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,371
And even if there was, who cares?
They're both adults.
209
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,763
Who cares? You wouldn't care
if I slept with your mom?
210
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,930
You know what? You're my best friend
and she's in a bad marriage.
211
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,809
I give you my blessing.
212
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,445
This is stupid. I'm just gonna call
my mother and be honest with her.
213
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,042
Because that's what little matzo balls do.
214
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,331
[LINE RINGS]
215
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,887
STUART: This is Debbie.
MRS. WOLOWITZ: And this is Stuart.
216
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,451
[BOTH LAUGHING
ON ANSWERING MACHINE]
217
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,523
BOTH:
Just kidding!
218
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,450
STUART:
Leave a message!
219
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,602
[MACHINE BEEPS]
220
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,648
[WHISPERS]
This is the part where you talk.
221
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,889
All right, let's say a physician was
prescribing one of our competitor's drugs.
222
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,805
How would you convince them
to switch to ours?
223
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,963
Um...
224
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:12,125
Any chance his car needs
to be washed by a girl in a bikini?
225
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,770
No.
226
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,082
Okay, I'm really sorry for wasting your time.
227
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,561
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for stopping by.
228
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,087
Okay, thanks.
229
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,086
Um, I'm sorry...
Listen, could you do me a favor...
230
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,965
...and not tell Bernadette
how badly I blew this interview?
231
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,169
She'll get upset and honestly,
I'm a little terrified of her.
232
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,169
- Wait, you're scared of Bernadette?
- Yeah, kind of.
233
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,491
I thought it was just me!
234
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:50,005
No, no. Everyone thinks she's so nice
with her squeaky little voice.
235
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,888
I know. But she's kind of a bully.
236
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,610
Well, she is.
237
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:59,482
I didn't even want to meet you,
but I was too scared to say no to her.
238
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,167
Me too.
239
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,762
One time, I had... Whoa, ha, ha.
240
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,366
I had to tell her
we were cutting research funding...
241
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,967
- ...for one of the drugs she was developing.
- What happened?
242
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,766
I couldn't do it. She's still working on it.
243
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,922
[BOTH LAUGHING]
244
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,161
Oh, we're not gonna tell her
about this, right?
245
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,288
- Oh, my God, no.
- No.
246
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,206
At the hot dog stand
in the Denver train station?
247
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:26,646
Heinz ketchup.
248
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,366
The hot dog stand
in the Salt Lake City train station?
249
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,965
Heinz ketchup.
250
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,170
The hot dog stand
in the Indianapolis train station...?
251
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,010
I don't care.
252
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,605
Wrong. Hunt's.
253
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,922
Hey, Amy. What do you say?
You ready to move on to the mustard round?
254
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,971
Have you not noticed
that I've been sitting back here...
255
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,408
...quietly stewing for the past two hours?
256
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,611
I just thought you were bad at the game.
257
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,482
I'm mad at you.
258
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,325
How could you go away
without even saying goodbye...
259
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,450
...and then call Leonard for help
instead of me?
260
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,766
Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy
to speak with my roommate?
261
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,843
We're in a moving car.
262
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,568
What do you expect me to do,
stick my fingers in my ears?
263
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,566
I was thinking put your head out
the window like a dog, but that'll work.
264
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,445
Please. This'll be quick.
265
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,810
Leonard, as soon as we get home...
266
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,769
...I want to have coitus with Amy.
267
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:46,686
Okay, she can't hear.
268
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,369
The reason I called you is because...
269
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,888
...I didn't want Amy to know
I couldn't make it on my own.
270
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,006
What's the big deal?
271
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,761
Of course it's no big deal to you.
272
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:06,130
You idolize me and nothing could ever
knock me off that pedestal you put me on.
273
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,887
It's true. You are a god to me.
274
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,003
- Can I stop now?
- Just tell her.
275
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,129
I called Leonard because I failed...
276
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,250
...and I didn't want you to think less of me.
277
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,080
You were worried about that?
278
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,009
Yes.
279
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,322
Sheldon.
280
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,687
It's okay with me that you're not perfect.
281
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,321
Can I have one more moment with Leonard?
282
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,530
Sure.
283
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,889
Amy just hurt my feelings.
I want to break up with her.
284
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:07,526
I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm kind of excited to see Sheldon.
285
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,886
I never thought I'd say this,
but Penny got a job today.
286
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,884
- She did?
- Well, the only reason she got it...
287
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,089
...is because the guy
who interviewed her loves me.
288
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,490
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
289
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,805
[CLEARS THROAT]
290
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,764
What do you want?
291
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,608
I, uh, kind of got the feeling...
292
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,650
...you might not be okay
with me staying at your mom's.
293
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,565
You're right, I'm not. I think it's weird...
294
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,484
- Howie.
- It is. He's a grown man.
295
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,404
He's just gonna live there rent-free?
296
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,564
How is that gonna motivate him
to get off his butt and get a job?
297
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,530
I mean, do you even have a plan?
298
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,808
Hey, you're not my father, okay?
299
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,321
And besides,
your mother and I were talking...
300
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:53,007
- "Your mother and I"? You're not my father.
- I didn't say I was your father.
301
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,322
- I didn't say I was your father.
- Calm down.
302
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:59,724
You're not his father, he's not your father.
Nobody is anybody's father.
303
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,244
I'm sorry you don't like my life choices,
but it's my life.
304
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,402
Well, it's my house, it's my rules.
305
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,568
Oh, ho! Okay, Dad.
306
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,121
If I mow the lawn, can I have my allowance?
307
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,203
Don't take that sarcastic tone with him.
308
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,846
- I don't have to listen to you.
- Don't talk like that.
309
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,243
That is my mother...
Wife. My wife. I said my wife.
310
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,487
You know what?
This isn't getting us anywhere.
311
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,564
When you're ready to apologize,
you know where to find me.
312
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,245
Yeah, in my house!
313
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,971
STUART:
That's right, sucker!
314
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,161
I wish I'd never gone on that trip.
315
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,527
I feel no better now than when I left.
316
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,160
- But you still accomplished something.
- Yeah.
317
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:43,120
If you had told anyone you were going
on a train by yourself across the country...
318
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,044
...do you know what they would've said?
319
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,850
- That I couldn't do it?
LEONARD: Exactly.
320
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,889
Right after they said, "Yeah!"
321
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,290
But you did do it.
So what if it didn't all go your way?
322
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,006
That's what makes it an adventure.
323
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,969
That's a good point.
324
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,329
You know, I'm a lot like Gandalf the Grey.
325
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:07,482
He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger
than ever as Gandalf the White.
326
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:12,407
I was robbed of my phone and pants
and I, too, came back stronger.
327
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:16,804
And whiter too, because I wasn't
in direct sunlight for six weeks.
328
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,244
See? This trip was good for you.
329
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,925
Indeed.
330
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,970
I was the world's smartest caterpillar.
331
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,761
And then after pupating
in our nation's railway system...
332
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:33,289
...I have burst forth
as the world's smartest butterfly.
333
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,968
A butterfly could've gotten
himself home from Arizona.
334
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,011
Yeah, I feel renewed.
335
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,365
I'm ready to deal with any changes
that come my way.
336
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,446
- Hey. Look who's back.
- Hey.
337
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,286
Your hair is different. You changed your hair.
I can't take this. I'm out.
338
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,328
- Like to see pictures from my trip?
- I thought your phone got stolen.
339
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,361
It did, but luckily, all my photos
got backed up to the cloud.
340
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,171
And you thought they all had a silver lining.
341
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,364
Here, day one.
342
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,688
This was the seat I was going to sit in...
343
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,003
...but didn't because there were
cracker crumbs on it.
344
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,130
And as it was first class, I suspect Ritz.
345
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,844
This is the train bathroom.
346
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,210
This is the Imodium I took so I would
never have to use the train bathroom.
347
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,842
I can't believe you traveled the country
and never left the train station.
348
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:36,807
I know. You know, I almost died
in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put.
349
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,451
FYI, that's when the Imodium gave out.
350
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,322
[English - US - SDH]
28805
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