All language subtitles for The.Compleat.Al.1985

#

#

(audience cheering)

(clicks tongue)
Aw...

#

(cheering)

(man)
Whoo! We love you!

(indistinct shouting)

(woman)
I love you!

(woman) Al, I want your baby.
I love you.

(narrator) Weird Al, the man
who set the music world on fire.

What's behind
his incredible story?

Where did it all begin?

#

Lynwood, California,

25 miles to the south
of Los Angeles.

Nothing much
ever came from Lynwood,

known primarily
for the manufacture

of aluminum foil
and nasal decongestants.

For a boy
growing up in Lynwood,

the future
seemed no brighter

than the future
of those before him.

In fact,
there was little to suggest

that out of this
provincial setting

would come a young man
and a musical revolution

that would captivate
and change the world.

Alfred Matthew Yankovic
was born October 23, 1959.

He was born in the elevator

on the way up
to the delivery room

at St. Vitus Hospital,

certainly
a prophetic beginning

for a young man's rise
to the top.

Al's parents,
Nick and Mary,

were two simple,
hardworking folks

just trying
to make ends meet.

After a hard day
sorting sprinkles

at the local Dairy Queen,

Mary would spend hours

folding and unfolding
the laundry,

an activity no one
could ever quite explain.

The Yankovic house
was a modest but happy house

where a home-cooked meal

followed by
a quiet family evening

were the staples
of contented suburban life.

Outside of his son,

Nick Yankovic's passion
was shooting home movies.

Baby Al,

friends and relatives,

and freeway traffic

were all subjects
for Nick's keen eye.

These early home movies
of young Al

depict his flair
for the theatrical...

#

...and his uncanny feel
for comedy.

Al's seventh birthday party

was to play a pivotal role
in the formation of his future.

His parents
could never have guessed

the significance
of their birthday gift,

an accordion.

Young Al sensed
the joy and wonder

that this newfound instrument
would bring

to his impressionable life.

The hours of hard work
and practice

with maestro Dino Zamore,
his devoted teacher,

would pave the way for his long
and illustrious career.

The years passed.

It was a time of Woodstock,
political demonstrations,

flower children,
man on the moon,

and "The Beverly Hillbillies."

For Al, life at home

in the sleepy suburban town
of Lynwood

was a simple one.

Some called it simple.
Others called it stupid.

The Yankovics
would spend hours

watching their favorite
TV shows.

For young Al,

television was more
than a recreational activity.

It was a way of life,

and would later serve as
an inspiration for his music.

#

Hey, Lucy, I'm home!

# Oh, Ricky,
you're so fine #

# You're so fine,
you blow my mind #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Oh, Lucy,
you're so fine #

# You're so fine,
you blow my mind #

# Hey, Lucy #

# Hey, Lucy #

# Oh, Ricky,
you're so fine #

# You play your bongos
all the time #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Oh, Lucy,
you're so fine #

# How I love
to hear you whine #

Hey, Lucy!

#

Hey, Ricky!

# You always play
your conga drums #

# You think
you got the right #

# You wake up little Ricky
in the middle of the night #

# Stop shaking your maracas
now #

# And just turn out
the light, Ricky #

#

# I'm sick of Fred and Ethel
always coming over here #

# 'Cause Fred eats
all the pretzel sticks #

# And then
he spills his beer #

# Why don't you serve
your casserole #

# And make them disappear,
Lucy #

#

(Lucy) # Oh, Ricky, what's a girl
like me supposed to do? #

# You really drive me wild
when you sing your "Babalu" #

(Ricky) # Oh, Lucy, you're so dizzy,
don't you have a clue? #

# Well, here's to you, Lucy #

# I love you too, Lucy,
too, Lucy #

# Let's "Babalu," Lucy #

Hey, Ricky!

# You're always playing
at the club #

# You never let me go #

# I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin',
but you always tell me no #

# Oh, please, honey, please,
let me be in your show, Ricky #

(sobs)

(Ricky) # You always burn the roast,
and you drop the dishes too #

# You iron my new shirt #

# And you burn a hole
right through #

# You're such a crazy redhead #

# I just don't know
what to do, Lucy #

#

(Lucy) # Oh, Ricky, what a pity,
don't you understand #

# That every day's a rerun #

# And the laughter's
always canned #

(Ricky) # Oh, Lucy, I'm the Latin leader
of the band #

# So, here's to you, Lucy #

# Let's "Babalu," Lucy,
too, Lucy #

Everybody rumba!

("I Love Lucy" theme playing)

(laughing)

(narrator)
More years passed.

Like the warm winds

following a sumptuous
chili dinner,

Al attended
Lynwood High School,

a school noted
for its famous alumni,

including Fernando Lamas,
Benny Goodman,

and Leon Spinks.

Al was an excellent student
who seemed to enjoy his studies.

He took great pride
in his schoolwork

and actively participated
in extracurricular activities.

(laughs)

How could I forget
Al Yankovic?

He was -- He was pretty weird
even back then.

I remember his shop project
was an electric wiener warmer.

Oh, it was a real work of art.

It had beveled edges,
and it was brushed metal

and had Bakelite handles.

And the hot dogs,

they were
supposed to revolve

around a little
aluminum carousel

so they'd cook evenly.

And it even had a brass tray at
the bottom

to catch all
the natural juices.

Well, when the day came
for Al to try it out,

he insisted on using only
all-kosher, 100% beef wieners.

Well, I-- I would have
given him an "A",

but, well, when we--

when we
plugged the thing in,

the power surge blacked out

all the electricity
in the school

and (laughs) everything else
within a six-block radius.

(laughs)

Do I remember Al?

He would always wear
those Hawaiian shirts,

and I remember one day...
(laughs)

This... (coughs)

This-- This is very funny.

One day,

the funniest thing hit me
right in the middle of class.

I said... (coughs, laughs)

I said, "Al, you know those
colored shirts you always wear?"

(laughs)

"They--" (coughs)

"They remind me of
the dorsal coloration

of the speckled-bellied
salamander."

(laughs, coughs)

I just-- (coughs)

Yankovic?

I don't remember him.

Wait!

Wasn't he that
Puerto Rican football player?

(narrator)
In addition to his studies,

Al had a very active
social life.

He went to movies,

dinners,

and dances,

much like many young men
his age.

While his contemporaries
were listening

to the Eagles and Rod Stewart,

Al was captivated
by the sounds

of Allan Sherman,
Tom Lehrer, and Spike Jones.

In order to earn
extra spending money,

Al tried his hand
at a variety of part-time jobs.

During the summer
of his junior year,

Al's father got him a job

at the Scheckman
Pharmaceutical Company

as a quality-control tester

in the nasal-decongestant
division.

(inhales deeply)

But Al's favorite place to work
was the local ice cream parlor.

#

# I hear those ice cream bells,
and I start to drool #

# Keep a couple quarts
in my locker at school #

# Yeah, but chocolate's
gettin' old #

# Vanilla just leaves me
cold #

# There's just one flavor
good enough for me #

# Yeah, me #

# Don't give me
no crummy taste spoon #

# I know what I need #

# Baby, I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with me #

# Ow #

# They tell me ice cream junkies
are all the same #

# All the soda jerkers
know my name #

# When their supply is gone,
then I'll be movin' on #

# But I'll be back
on Monday afternoon #

# You'll see #

# Another truckload's
comin' in for me, all for me #

# I'm singin'
I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with me #

# Ow #

#

Oh, make it talk!

# When I'm all alone #

# I just grab myself a cone #

# And if I get fat
and lose my teeth #

# That's fine with me #

# Just lock me in the freezer
and throw away the key #

# Singin' I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with me #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop
with me #

#

(narrator) The California Polytechnic
State University

at San Luis Obispo.

This hallowed institution

nestled in the foothills of
the Santa Lucia mountain range

provides an excellent atmosphere
dedicated to higher learning.

It was here
that an eager Al Yankovic

embraced academic life.

He selected architecture
as his field of study

for its long tradition
of design, aesthetics,

importance
to Western civilization,

and, as Al himself
would later admit,

it was listed first
in the school catalog.

During the course
of his architectural studies,

Al's innate talent blossomed
with ambitious creative designs.

This daring concept
was featured

in the "Magazine
of Modern Design"--

"Burgeropolis,
the City of the Future."

But all work and no play
makes Al a dull boy.

He continued
to charm his way

into the hearts
of many young coeds,

who, even then,
found his natural panache

and sense of humor
irresistible.

But even with Al's blossoming
architectural endeavors

and amorous adventures,

his main love
continued to be music.

It was at his
college radio station, KCPR,

where his taste in music
and his unusual behavior

earned him the nickname

that was to stick with him
from then on.

(record scratches)

All right, looks like
it's gonna be

another record-breaking show.

You got Weird Al
on the radio.

It's instant request time.

Hello. KCPR.

You want to hear
"You Light Up My Life"

by Debby Boone?

All right,
another instant request!

# All right, everybody's heard
about the bird #

# Bird, bird, bird,
bird, bird's the word #

# Well, bird, bird, bird,
bird is the word #

# Well, bird, bird, bird #

#

(narrator) It was here,
in this men's lavatory

now designated as a permanent
state historical landmark,

that Al recorded the song
that was to be his first hit.

(Weird Al)
# Hungry one #

# Open up a package
of my bologna #

# Ooh, I think
the toast is done #

# The toast is done #

# Top it with a little
of my bologna #

It was really
a stroke of genius.

Al intuitively knew

that the acoustics
inside that bathroom

would give him the precise sound
he was looking for.

The reverberation of those
little diamond-shaped tiles

combined with the echo
available from the showers

was dynamically perfect.

Al told me how he had searched
the entire campus

looking for
just the right bathroom.

You know, when I produced

Billy Joel's
"Innocent Man" album,

I found several places
where it was effective

to incorporate
the same technique.

#

(narrator) It was the legendary DJ,
Dr. Demento,

who first introduced Al's music
to national audiences.

An avid listener
since his childhood days,

Al would send tapes
to the doctor

of his latest compositions
recorded in his bedroom.

Al's exposure
on the doctor's radio show

proved to be his big break.

...and now here's the song

that's been lighting up
the Dr. Demento request lines,

the latest
from Weird Al Yankovic,

"Another One Rides the Bus."

(Weird Al) # Ridin' in a bus
down the boulevard #

# And the place
was pretty packed #

(man)
# Yeah #

(Weird Al) # Couldn't find a seat,
so I had to stand #

# With the perverts
in the back #

# It was smelling
like a locker room #

# There was junk... #

(narrator)
This man, who thought himself

to be a vibrant force
in the entertainment business,

recognized Al's talent

and would soon
become the mastermind

behind his career.

His name was Barry Cohen.

I hadn't really
had any experience

in pop management before.

I'd had some degree of success

with Brickman's Poodle Review
and the Flying Manzeni Sisters--

you're probably familiar
with them--

as well as some success

marketing certain
special merchandise,

but I never really managed
a pop artist

before that day I went down
to Mickey's Bowl-A-Rama

and saw Weird Al performing.

From the first moment
I heard him,

I knew he was gonna be
a force to be reckoned with.

(narrator) Barry Cohen convinced Weird Al
to put up his own money

to make a test pressing
of "Another One Rides the Bus."

Barry assured Al
he had the right connections

to make him famous.

Listen, how long
have we known each other?

I told you, you got to order

six sets of the personalized
grapefruit knives

in order to get the free
happy-face auto air freshener.

Okay. Okay, we'll talk.

From now on, every customer
gets on of these.

I mean, you never know
who's out there.

So, Al, let's talk promotion.

I got this plan
that absolutely can't fail.

(woman)
Barry, Brickman's here.

He wants his check.

Uh, Al, would you excuse me
for a moment?

(dogs barking)

Karl, how are you?

Look, you know checks
can only be issued

on the 17th
of the month.

I know, but Fifi needs
a manicure and a shampoo,

and Griselda's costume
needs new sequins--

you know, the little blue one
you love so much.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Listen, we'll take care of it.

But first
I want you to meet

our newest member
of the little family.

Karl Brickman, canine trainer,
showman extraordinaire,

meet Al Yankovic,

king of rock-'n'-roll
accordion

and future music legend.

How do you do, young man?

Barry, these things
can't wait.

The show must go on.

I must get prepared
for my next performance.

(dog barking)

(gasps)
Oh, Fifi, no, no!

Don't do that!

(laughs)

Uh, listen,
I'll talk to you later

about that gig at
the Cuyahoga County Fair, okay?

What-- What about the deli
platter for my dressing room?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I spoke to
the promoter personally,

and he assured me that
the cold cuts will be fresh

and the ricotta cheese is in
the little triangular shapes

that you like so much.

Okay.
Okay.

Yeah, I'll see you later.
Don't forget. Don't forget.

See you later.
We'll talk, yeah.

What a nut.
I love that guy.

(woman) Barry, your mother's
on the phone.

Okay, okay, I'll get it.

Uh, and get me Allan Pepper
at the Boom Boom Room.

Look, Al, we're gonna book
a hot gig for you,

an industry showcase,

and when we do it,
we're gonna do it right.

We'll rehearse, we'll have
lights and everything,

we'll put a band
around you.

It'll be great.

Hello, Mom?
I'll call you back.

(woman) Barry, Mr. Pepper's
on the line.

Watch this.

Hello, Allan.
How are you?

Yeah, how was
Gordon's bar mitzvah?

Good, good, I'm glad.

Uh, listen, Allan,

I got a hot new musical act
that's perfect for your club.

No! Honest, I'm serious.

Yeah, his name's
Weird Al Yankovic.

What do you mean
that's too bad?

Well, he's fantastic,

and-- and he'd be great
in your club.

He belongs on your stage.

We're looking
for the right industry showcase.

We're gonna pull out
all the stops.

So, talk to me.
What do you got?

He says you can open
for Billy and the Scumwads!

Yeah, well...

okay, Allan, let's talk
some serious ducats, then.

How much?

Oh, there must be something
wrong with the line, Allan.

Now I can't hear you
too good.

How much was that?

How much?

Okay. Okay, as a favor to you,
we'll take it.

Yeah, yeah, I know he's got
to pay for his own food.

(chuckling)
Yeah, okay, okay,

but you owe me one,
you monster.

Yeah, send over
the contracts.

Uh-huh. Good-bye.

It's the day after tomorrow.

(narrator) Barry used his natural instincts
and close personal contacts

to arrange auditions
for Al's band.

Okay, send the first one in.

#

Thank you.

(playing "Day Tripper")

Thank you.

No, wait, I'll get it.

(playing "Day Tripper")

Thank you!

#

Thank you!

#

# Love, I love you #

# I've been loving you
so long today #

Thank you.

We'll let you know.

#

Thank you.

Get her phone number.

(playing "Soul Man")

Thank you.

We'll get back to you.

#

# I don't want to do
my laundry #

# I don't want
to do my laundry #

# Why don't you do it
for me? #

# I love your lovin',
baby, please #

# Do my load of laundry
for me... #

(narrator) Despite Barry Cohen's efforts
on his behalf,

Al was finally able
to put a band together.

Meanwhile,
Barry continued to pursue

all of his record label
connections,

taking full advantage
of his personal charm.

Oh, this is a crazy,
crazy business.

Everything happens for a reason
and in its own time.

You can't have
unreasonable expectations.

It's like the tortoise
and the hare,

like the yin and the yang,

supply and demand,

ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop,
ba-da-boom.

(woman)
Johnny Ronzoni's on the line.

Ronzoni Records?

That's right, Barry,
on line two.

(clears throat)

Hello?

Is this Barry Cohen?

Yes, of Barry Cohen
Associates.

Barry, this is
Johnny Ronzoni

at Ronzoni Records.

Johnny, how are you?
How's business?

Yeah, yeah, listen.

I just received my two dozen
monogrammed golf balls.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'm glad
you like them.

But listen,
that's not why I called.

This record
by this Yankovic kid--

What is it? Crazy Al?

It has interesting
possibilities.

Oh, I think so too.

Listen, why don't you come
down to the office

and bring Big Al
with you,

and we can talk
about the tune,

and we can see
what we can do here.

Well, listen, I've been
impressed with your operation,

the way your treat
your artists,

so if we can
come to terms on this,

I think it would be
mutually beneficial

for both of us.

Yeah, well...
Hold on a second.

(to someone else)
Tell him if he doesn't like it,

he's history.

So, we'll see you, right?

(receiver clicks)

What did I tell you?

(distant phone ringing)

Listen, Crazy Al,

in the record business,

radio has got you
by the goniomes.

We're on the phone here
day and night

with those
programming yo-yos,

but that's what it takes.

Push, push, push,

and we're the ones
who do it.

You know, when my brother
Ronnie and me,

when we first started
this company,

everybody said
it was impossible.

But we're a family here.

That word, "impossible,"
it's not in our vocabulary.

You know, Wild Al,

life is like one big
pizza, you know?

You got to mangia.
You know what "mangia" means?

It means "eat."
Mangia, mangia, mangia.

And you can't be afraid
of taking big bites.

Me, I want to eat
the whole pizza.

It's like that
with everything.

And at Ronzoni Records,

our artists select
the choice toppings.

(Johnny)
Big Al?

You too can be
a green pepper.

I was just thinking
along those lines today.

Time is money, more is less,
less is more.

Ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop,
ba-da-boom.

So, Al, how does that sound
to you?

Are you ready
to join the roster

of Ronzoni
international superstars

and make millions of dollars?

Okay.

Hey, hey, congratulations!

Welcome to Ronzoni.
Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Hey, I'm pretty happy
about this, fellas.

(chuckles)

How you feeling?
Oh, great.

Great, great, great.

Listen, you just let me

work out the nuts and bolts
of the deal with Barry here.

You just worry about
writing those hits, huh?

Listen, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

I'll be just a minute.

We got something important
to discuss.

Listen, you got any more
of those monogrammed golf balls?

I'd like to get some

for some of the boys
in the office.

#

(narrator) With things starting
to go their way,

Barry took Al
to a fashionable clothing store

to begin their search
for the right image for Al.

#

After an exhaustive search,

Barry had finally found
the perfect look for Al.

#

Al was looking
for just the right song

to start his new record career
off with a bang.

He needed the right look,
the right artist, to parody

and most importantly,
his permission.

(wind gusting,
distant animal howling)

(thunder rolling)

(door squeaks)

I, um...
Son...

we've been
expecting you.

(thunder crashes)

(distant animal howls)

(door creaking)

(distant animal howls)

(clears throat)

I've always been
a great fan of yours.

I've-- I've got
all your records,

and...
I'm very grateful

for this opportunity
to talk to you.

Well, um, the reason
I wanted to see you

was I had this idea
to do kind of a takeoff--

you know, a parody--
of, um...

uh, one of your songs.

(growling)

(panting)

It would all be in good fun,
of course.

I mean, I have the greatest
respect for your work.

(ape whooping)
Um, I would never...

I would never...

I mean, uh...

Well, anyway, I was just...

I was just wondering
how you'd feel

about my doing a parody
of "Beat It" called, um...

"Eat It."

You know,
it would be about food

and what mothers
say to their kids

about eating tuna casserole
and Spam,

and I'd even try to make it
sound-- sound like yours.

It could never be
as good as yours,

but it'll be pretty good,
so what do you think?

(dramatic music playing)

Oh! Oh, oh, wow!
Thanks a lot!

You won't be sorry!

I don't believe this!
This is great!

Thanks again.
You won't regret this.

(laughs)

No, no, no,
this is great!

I can't believe it.
(laughing)

Oh, I can't believe it.
This is great!

Oh, God!

I'll bet you ten...

(growling)

(laughing)

Really, thank you.
Thank you so much.

This is great.
I can't believe this.

That was--
What a nice guy.

(chatter)

#

# How come you're always
such a fussy young man? #

# Don't want no Cap'n Crunch,
don't want no Raisin Bran #

# Well, don't you know #

# That other kids
are starving in Japan? #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

# Don't want to argue,
I don't want to debate #

# Don't want to hear about
what kind of food you hate #

# You won't get no dessert
till you clean off your plate #

# So, eat it #

# Don't you tell me
you're full #

# Just eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

# Get yourself an egg
and beat it #

# Have some more chicken,
have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter
if it's boiled or fried #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Ooh #

# Your table manners
are a cryin' shame #

# You're playin' with your food,
this ain't some kind of game #

# Now, if you
starve to death #

# You'll just have yourself
to blame #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

(trills, burps)

# You better listen,
better do what you're told #

# You haven't even touched
your tuna casserole #

# Ooh #

# You better chow down
or it's gonna get cold #

# So, eat it #

# I don't care if you're full #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# Open up your mouth
and feed it #

# Have some more yogurt,
have some more Spam #

# It doesn't matter
it it's fresh or canned #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# Don't you make me
repeat it #

# Have a banana,
have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter
what you had for lunch #

# Just eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

# Eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

(panting)

#

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# If it's gettin' cold,
reheat it #

# Have a big dinner,
have a light snack #

# If you don't like it,
you can't send it back #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# Get yourself an egg
and beat it #

Oh, Lord.

# Have some more chicken,
have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter
if it's boiled or fried #

# Just eat it #
# Eat it #

# Eat it #
# Eat it #

# Don't you make me
repeat it #

Oh, no.

# Have a banana,
have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter #

#

(narrator) "Eat It" became
an instant smash,

and Weird Al's video
was seen everywhere.

In no time at all,

Al had become one of the world's
most sought-after celebrities.

#

You know, in all my years
in the music business,

I can honestly say
I've never seen anything

like the phenomenal response
to Al's music.

He combines the great
showmanship of the Beatles

with the poignancy of Dylan.

He's created a kind of magic
all his own.

It's not the Motown sound.

It's not the Philadelphia sound.

It can only be described
as...

the Al sound.

(narrator) Al's success catapulted him
to the concert stage,

and Barry Cohen
had his hands full

arranging for
a national concert tour.

Al's live appearances
drew standing-room-only crowds.

Philadelphia, San Francisco,
Chicago,

New York, and Toledo

all played host
to rock's newest superstar.

Al's record-breaking
concert tour

culminated with 42
sold-out performances

in the entertainment capital
of the world.

(man)
Good morning, everybody.

This is KIDB radio
in Los Angeles.

It's 76 degrees at 8:14

and time to get ready
for Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al will be coming
to Los Angeles later tonight

for his concert under the stars
at the Greek Theatre.

Now, the show is sold out,

but we still have six tickets
here at KIDB,

and we'll be giving them away,

so stay tuned, because you
might be a lucky winner.

And right now at the hotel,

Al's army,
as they've come to be known,

are setting up
for his arrival.

Weird Al himself
is still at Yankland,

his home in Lynwood, California,
of course,

but he'll be here
later this afternoon.

And now here's another tune
from Weird Al.

This is "Midnight Star."

#

# I was waiting
in the express lane #

# With my 12 items or less #

# At the checkout counter
at the local grocery store #

#

# I was only passin' by,
but a paper caught my eye #

# And I learned a few things
I never knew before #

# It said your pet may be
an extraterrestrial #

# It said the ghost of Elvis
is living in my den #

# You can learn to cope
with stress #

# And you can beat the IRS #

# And the incredible frog boy
is on the loose again #

# Oh, the Midnight Star #

# It's in the weekly
Midnight Star #

# Aliens from outer space
are sleeping in my car #

# Midnight Star,
I want to know, I want to know #

# Midnight Star #

# Well, you can
read all about it #

# In the weekly
Midnight Star #

# You can use your ESP
to learn to play guitar #

(guitar riff plays)

# I want to know,
I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know,
I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know,
I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know,
I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# Inquiring minds like mine
want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

(group, chanting)
We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al! We love Al!
We love Al!

We love Al!
We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al! We love Al!
We love Al!

And the name of it is
"The Dawn of a New Beginning."

You see, Weird Al is the dawn.

He's the beginning,
the beginning of everything.

'Cause you know how things,
like, begin and end?

'Cause, you know,
Weird Al is the greatest guy.

He's an original.
He's, like, nature and growing.

And I like to oil paint
and everything.

And if I could
just give this to him,

it would mean everything
because--

Do you think you have a chance
of meeting Weird Al?

Well-- Well, I don't know,
because sometimes you got to--

It's all who you know, anyway,
and it's luck too,

and I'm a very lucky person,
and I'm his biggest fan,

and if I--

if I could just meet him
and talk to him...

Because he's the beginning
of everything!

Oh, it's the real thing,

because the hotel manager

of the Park Plaza Hotel
in New York

and Swingles in Cleveland

signed affidavits
certifying that this is

Weird Al's actual dental floss
that he used,

what piece was used
after what meal or what day.

You could even see
a little piece of, uh...

I think it's vegetable matter
right here.

(man) Now, what do you plan to do
with this stuff?

I'm gonna sell 'em.

(chatter)

Okay, that's two T-shirts,
one poster,

and a miniature accordion.

That comes to, uh, $22.95.

Thank you.

Hey, don't forget
your free slice

of Weird Al pizza.

Excuse me. Can you tell us
what you're selling here?

Oh, we have here
your complete line

of Al T-shirts.

These shirts are
guaranteed 50/50--

half polyester,
half cotton,

They never shrink.

Over here is a complete set
of souvenir buttons.

These buttons sell
for $7 apiece

or five for $35
today only.

These are your actual
partially eaten hot dogs

by Al or members of
his immediate entourage,

complete with buns
of condiments.

And, oh, here's something
really fantastic.

This is a bootleg
picture disk

of Weird Al
live at Sizzler #3.

The quality
is really good.

And for every purchase
over $49.95,

you get your choice of
a complimentary authentic

Weird Al keychain.

Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al!
Weird Al! Weird Al!

Weird Al! Weird Al!
Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al!

Weird Al! Weird Al!

$2. $2.

Genuine imitation.
Looks like the real thing.

Step right up.
That's nice.

Now smile.
There you go.

$2 a picture. $2.

There you-- Whoops.
$2. There you go.

Thank you very much.

Step right up.
Don't be shy.

$2, ladies and gentlemen.
Send one home.

(indistinct shouting)

(woman)
Oh, my God, it's Al!

It's Al! I love you!

(man) It's him!
Al, I'm over here!

(man #2) Come over here
and get your shirt, man!

(woman)
Al! Al!

Oh, you wonderful
person!

(man) Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!

(woman)
I love you, Al!

(woman #2)
Me too!

(man) Over here, Al!
Over here! Over here!

$5. $5, ladies
and gentlemen!

$5. It's the real thing,
the genuine article.

There you go.
That's right, $5 a picture.

There you are.
$5. 5--

$2. $2. A discount.

There you go.
Thank you.

There you are.
Smile away.

There you go.

(indistinct shouting,
cheering)

#

(narrator) But even as he was
enjoying the fruits

of his newfound stardom,

success was beginning
to change Al

in ways perceptible only to
those closest to him.

No, success has not
changed Alfred at all.

Yeah, he's a great kid.
Hasn't changed a bit.

You know, a lot of people
let this kind of thing

go to their head.

Yeah, our boy has really
got his head on straight.

He doesn't really
call us anymore.

Of course,
he's real busy now.

Yeah, too busy
to call his own parents.

This is the thanks
we get.

It's not like he's being
an obnoxious jerk but...

He just acts
like he knows everything.

Yes, he thinks
he knows everything.

That's why he went
on that ridiculous game show.

Ever since he was a kid,

all he could talk about
was being on a game show.

Now that he's a big star,

you'd think he wouldn't
care about that anymore,

but he went on anyway.

If he wanted a new car,

he could go ahead
and come to us.

We would have got him
a new car.

Instead he had to
make a fool of himself

on a game show.

I was never so embarrassed
in all my life.

We had to move.

(man)
He's down in the booth?

(man #2)
He's ready.

Okay, here we go.

Loosen up, camera two.

Cameras one and three,
that's fine.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

Cue lights, music.

#

(man) Now entering the studio
are today's contestants.

This is Mr. Millard Snodkin
from Carbondale, Illinois.

And this is
Mr. Leroy Finkelstein

from Brooklyn, New York.

And this is Alfred Yankovic
from Lynwood, California.

These three people
will compete today

on "Jeopardy."

(Weird Al)
# I was there #

# To match my intellect #

# On national TV #

# Against a plumber,
oh, and an architect #

# Both with a PhD #

# I was tense,
I was nervous #

# I guess it
just wasn't my night #

# Art Fleming
gave the answers #

# Oh, but I couldn't get
the questions right-ight-ight #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# Well, I knew
I was in trouble now #

# My hope of winning sank #

# 'Cause I got
the Daily Double now #

# And then my mind
went blank #

# I took Potpourri
for 100 #

# And then my
head started to spin #

# Well, I'm givin' up #

# Don Pardo #

# Just tell me now
what I didn't win, yeah, yeah #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

#

(Man)
That's right, Al, you lost!

And let me tell you
what you didn't win:

a 20-volume set of the
"Encyclopedia International,"

a case of Turtle Wax,

and a year's supply
of Rice-A-Roni,

the San Francisco Treat.

But that's not all.

You also made yourself
look like a jerk

in front of
millions of people,

and you brought shame
and disgrace on your family name

for generations to come.

You don't get to come back
tomorrow.

You don't even get a lousy copy
of our home game.

You're a complete loser.

# Don't know what
I was thinkin' of #

# I guess I
just wasn't too bright #

# Well, I sure hope
I do better #

# Next weekend on
The Price Is Right-ight-ight #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy,
baby #

#

#

(narrator) Japan, land of mystery
and enchantment.

A country steeped in tradition
thousands of years old.

An ancient culture

weathering the stormy onslaught
of Western influences.

#

Al had traveled
to this distant land

as an ambassador

of international peace
and understanding

and to promote his two new
Japanese albums.

The success of Al's music
in Japan

was an unprecedented phenomenon.

Al's meteoric rise
up the Japanese charts

and the enormous response
to his videos

endeared him to the hearts
of millions.

Al found himself
a celebrity stranger

in a strange land.

A longtime student
of human behavior,

Al was anxious to observe
traditional Japanese customs.

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# A wop bop a loo bop
a lop bom bom #

# I got a gal named Sue #

# She knows just what to do,
whoo #

# I got a gal named Sue #

# She knows just what to do #

# She knows how to love me,
yes, indeed #

# Boy, you don't know
what you do to me #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, whoo #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# A wop bop a loo bop
a lop bom bom #

# I got a girl named Daisy #

# She almost drives me crazy #

# Got a gal named Daisy #

# She almost drives me crazy #

# She knows how to love me,
yes, indeed #

# Boy, you don't know
what you do to me #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

#

(narrator)
On the way

to do a number of radio
and television appearances,

Al and his guide
looked for a bite to eat.

I'm starved.

Any place to eat
around here?

Yes, a lot
of Japanese restaurants.

Oh, look.
How about this?

Eww.

Eww!

Eww!

What? What?

Over there!

I'll explain
the ingredients.

It's all-beef pat--

I know what this is.

# Just eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

# Get yourself an egg
and beat it #

# Have some more chicken,
have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter... #

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

Uh, I can't understand
a word you're saying.

#

# How come you're always
such a fussy young man? #

# Don't want no Cap'n Crunch,
don't want no Raisin Bran #

# Well, don't you know #

# That other kids
are starving in Japan? #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

# Just eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

# Don't make me repeat it #

# Have a banana,
have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter
what you had for lunch #

# Just eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

# Eat it, eat it,
eat it, eat it #

#

(narrator) After an exhaustive series
of media appearances,

Al was looking
for a quiet way to unwind.

Unfortunately, he wandered
into a pachinko parlor,

the Japanese national pastime.

People spend endless hours

watching thousands
of little, steel balls

bouncing around at random.

Al thought this was a great idea

and was totally mesmerized

until a flashing red light
indicated a psychomotor overload

and Al feared
his head would explode.

Overwhelmed and exhausted
by the events of the day,

Al checked into a hotel
in downtown Tokyo,

where rooms are available

for the bargain price
of $15 a night.

D�nde est� la biblioteca?

(speaking Japanese)

Um...

A capsule?
Night-night?

Capsule night-night?

(speaking Japanese)

Name. Address.

(narrator) This modern hotel boasted
a variety of luxury suites,

each complete
with all the comforts of home:

an AM/FM stereo/radio...

(man speaking Japanese)

...a color TV,

an adjustable reading light,

and the added convenience
of personalized room service.

Um...

Gracias.

(man speaking Japanese
on radio)

(narrator) Reflecting on all
he had seen and done,

Al's imagination ran wild

with thoughts
of further adventures

in strange and faraway
places

as he turned in
for the night.

#

Tonight is
your last chance

to catch this week's
top 20 videos

on the MTV
Top 20 Video Countdown...

(narrator) After returning home
from his trip to the Orient,

Al decided to activate
his pirate satellite transmitter

and take over the airwaves
of MTV.

(static, indistinct speech)

(man imitating whooshing air)

Boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop.

(MTV theme song playing)

(Weird Al) "Al TV," another one of those
music video kind of shows

you watch on television
sometimes.

All right, it's time once again
for Al News.

Starting off on a sad note,

Mick Jagger is in traction
this week

after being involved
in a minor car accident.

It seems he stuck his head
out of the window

on the freeway

only to be slapped repeatedly
in the face

by his own lips.

Doctors have called it
the worst case of liplash

they've ever seen.

Well, get well soon, Mick.

On the concert scene,

Elvis Costello
is in the process

of planning his next
North American tour,

and there's talk
he'll be out on the road

with the international
supergroup ABBA.

So, look for ABBA and Costello
when they come to your town.

There seems to be
a little problem

with the billing, however.

They still haven't decided
who's on first.

Got a letter from Kathy Splain
out of El Paso, Texas.

And, uh...

Aww, it's an envelope
full of chili.

That's great.
Thanks, Kathy.

ZZ Top's management

tells us the group decided

to shave off their beards
last week,

and we here at "Al TV"
wish ZZ Top

the best of luck
with their new image.

Okay, what could this be?

(rattling)

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I hate these chain letters.

And in our Hollywood Report,

Sting has been turning down
movie offers for some time now,

just waiting for the ideal role
to come along.

Well, apparently it has,

because word has it that Sting
just signed a contract

to play the title role

in a remake of the Jerry Lewis
movie "The Nutty Professor."

When asked for a comment,

all Sting could say was,
"La, la, la, nice lady."

Uh, while you're waiting,

you might as well
hop out to the kitchen

for a little
nutrition break.

This is one
of my favorite recipes:

ice cream...

carrots...

Twinkies,

and mustard...

on whole wheat bread.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

We'll be right back.

#

# I eat filet mignon
seven times a day #

# My bathtub's filled
with Perrier #

# What can I say?
This is the life #

# I buy a dozen cars
when I'm in the mood #

# I hire somebody
to chew my food #

# I'm an upwardly mobile
dude #

# This is the life #

# They say that
money corrupts you #

# But I can't really tell #

# I got the whole world
at my feet #

# And I think
it's pretty swell #

# I got women lined up
outside my door #

# They've been waitin' there
since the week before #

# Who could ask for more?
This is the life #

#

# What up? What up? #

# You're dead
for a real long time #

# You just can't prevent it #

# So, if money can't buy
happiness #

# I guess I'll have to
rent it #

# Yeah, every day I make
the front-page news

# No time to pay my dues #

# I got a million pairs
of shoes #

# This is the life #

# That's right, I'm the king,
number one #

# I buy monogrammed Kleenex
by the ton #

# I pay the bills,
I call the shots #

# I grease the palms,
I buy the yachts

# One thing I can guarantee #

# The best things in life,
they sure ain't free #

# It's such a thrill
just to be me #

# This is the life #

(women)
# La... #

# This is the life #

(humming MTV theme song)

Guys, I could just
watch those videos all day long

until my brain
turns into mush.

Couldn't you?

Well, I'm eating my lunch
right now,

so let's just keep the show
going.

You're watching "Al TV,"

the music video program

that helps build strong bodies
12 ways.

Anyway, I want you to meet
a special friend of mine.

This is my best friend
in the whole world--

Harvey the wonder hamster.

Say hello, Harvey.

Oh, isn't he cute?
Isn't he cute?

Go ahead, make my day.

Just kidding.

This is great.
I can't wait to see this.

Right now we're going to
world-premiere

the new "State of Shock" video
on "Al TV."

Um, they told me
I should read this letter

before I play it.

"Dear Al, hope you enjoy
the new 'State of Shock' video.

"We here at Epic Records
consider it a great privilege

"that you are world-premiering
it on 'Al TV.'

"We did have a problem,
however.

"We couldn't get Mick Jagger
or Michael Jackson

"to appear in the video.

"But we wanted a video
real bad,

"so we just did
the best we could.

Yours truly,
Harvey Leeds, Epic Records."

Well, thanks, Harvey.

Um...

Okay, without further ado,

here's, uh,
here's the world premiere

of "State of Shock"
on Al TV.

(man)
300,000 albums

when the movie
was on cable television

for one month.

You know, what are you
hockin' me for?

Play the video.

You don't want to play it?
Go play Bugs Bunny videos.

Call Burbank, okay?

Now, if you want to do
this promotion,

we can talk about that
some other time.

Look, I got to go.
All right?

Hang on.
I'll call you right back.

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You got to be mine #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're just so fine #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I like your style #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# It makes me wild #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're talkin' to me good #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know you like,
you should #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You get me on my knees #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# But please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She looks so great
every time I see her face #

# She puts me in a state,
unh #

# State of shock #

# Da-da, da, da #

#
# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She brought me on my knees #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Oh, please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I know you like to tease #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# But please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I like the way you walk #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Tal, baby, talk #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're talkin' to me good #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Like you know you should #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She, she looks so great
every time I see her face #

# She puts me in a state,
unh #

# State of shock #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know I really love you,
baby #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Look what you've done
to me, baby #

# Look what you've done
to me #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know I need
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation #

# Whoo #

# Come on, baby #

# Yeah, baby, look at me #

# Look at me #

# You've got me #

# You've got me #

# You've got me
in a state of shock #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

Whoo!

Well, I...
(clears throat)

I hate to get serious here,

but I've been getting
a lot of letters

from concerned viewers
about this,

and as you all know,

we here at "Al TV" do our best
to set the record straight.

People are asking, "Al,
is there any truth to the rumor

that the great songs
of rock-'n'-roll

were actually written
by ancient astronauts?"

Well, I--
I can't say for sure.

All I can do is let you
take a look at the evidence

and decide for yourself.

Here's an aerial photograph
of the Himalayan mountain range

taken by a research team
during the 1950s.

The phrase "be bop a lula"

is clearly burned
on the mountaintop

in letters 2,000 feet high.

Who but ancient astronauts
would have the time

to do something stupid
like this?

Here, take a look

at the Fleetwood Mac
"Rumors" album.

Look at the position
of Mick and Stevie's bodies

on the cover.

As you can see
from this diagram,

their bodies are aligned
in such a way

that it looks like
some kind of constellation

that ancient astronauts
might hang out in or something.

Okay, not too good.
Wait.

Okay, look at this.

On the Beatles "White Album,"

if you look at the back cover,

near the bottom,

almost invisible
to the naked eye...

There it is.

"Thanks, Bob."

That's right-- Bob,
a famous ancient astronaut.

But wait, there's more!

Remember that old
Pink Floyd album "Ummagumma"?

Well, I did a little research,

and I found out that "Ummagumma"
is a common alien phrase

which, translated literally,

means, "We're running out
of good ideas for songs.

Help us."

Hmm.

Need more proof?

Here's a copy
of "Houses of the Holy"

by Led Zeppelin.

Let's take a look
at the actual record.

Look at that!

It's perfectly round!

And that's not all.
Listen to this.

(warbling)

Kind of sounds like a spaceship
taking off, doesn't it?

And-- And look at this!

If you put a scoop
of cottage cheese

right on the top...

it even looks like something
from outer space.

Oh, this is scary stuff!
Oh!

What? Still not convinced?

Okay, here's the clincher.
Listen to this.

"Don't Fear the Reaper"
by Blue Oyster Cult.

Listen.

# Seasons don't fear
the reaper #

# Nor do the wind, the sun,
and the rain #

# We can be like they are #

Okay, okay, now let's
listen to that backwards.

#

Hello.

We would like to take
this opportunity

to thank
the ancient astronauts

for helping us
write this...

Incredible, isn't it?

Well... I could go on,
but we're running out of time.

You're watching "Al TV,"

the video music channel

that gives meaning
to your boring, miserable life.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

No, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, we really
appreciate it.

(MTV theme song plays)

(narrator) As Al's success
continued to flourish,

stardom began
to take its toll,

and he turned inward

to search
for the meaning of life.

This introspective period
of Al's life

spawned the highly personal
and emotionally charged album

entitled "Me, Myself, and I."

This album included the songs
"Apples, Oranges, and Silence,"

"Cosmic Shoes,"
and "Everybody Shut Up."

During this period,

Al experimented with a variety
of recording techniques

to intensify
his personal expression.

#

It was in these sessions

that Al searched
for new sources of inspiration

to complement his creativity.

In further search
of universal understanding,

Weird Al stumbled upon
Baba Fred Denandananda,

a suburban guru who extolled
the virtues of existentialism

and low-interest
second-mortgage payments.

Realizing that they were
about to lose him

to an endless sea
of unproductivity,

the members of Al's band

took matters
into their own hands.

With the help
of his close friends,

Al snapped out
of his troubled state.

Unfortunately for history,

the master tapes
from this introspective period

were accidentally erased

when Al carried them
through the metal detector

at the Los Angeles
International Airport.

We can only guess what impact
this album would have had

upon the world.

Yeah, we were all pretty worried
about Al for a while.

For a period of time,

he just didn't seem
like himself.

But like any great artist
who knows his true calling,

he just seemed to snap out of it
and return to his true self.

In fact, all of us around him

felt that by him going through
this introspective experience,

that he matured more
as a person and as an artist.

I noticed the change
in the studio right away.

He was--
He was more self-confident

and more self-assured.

His artistic goals
seemed to be clearer than ever.

I think he really
showed the world

that he was capable
of growth and change,

that he could handle
the responsibility of stardom.

Yep, we're pretty proud of him.

We always knew

that Alfred would make
something of himself.

Yeah, he was always
a straight-A student.

Kind of kept to himself,
though.

We were so proud
when he announced

that he was going to be
an architect.

Yeah, architects make
pretty good money.

Doctors make better money.

But he wanted to be
an architect.

Always told him,
"Whatever you want to do,

it's okay with us."

"Just as long
as your happy."

But then he started doing
all that rock-'n'-roll stuff.

We didn't understand.

What did we send him
to college for?

Not so he could hang around
with a bunch of jerks.

He used to be
such a nice boy.

Where did we
go wrong?

(distant phone ringing)

(woman on P.A.) Dr. Roth, please report
to Emergency.

Dr. Roth.

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.

(flatline tone)

(beeping)

#

# I finally made it
through med school #

# Somehow I made it through #

# I'm just an intern #

# I still make
a mistake or two #

# I was last in my class #

# Barely passed
at the institute #

# Now I'm trying to avoid #

# Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid #

# A malpractice suit #

# Hey, like a surgeon #

(whirring)

# Cuttin'
for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon #

# Organ transplants
are my line #

# Better give me
all your gauze, nurse #

# This patient's
fading fast #

# Complications
have set in #

# Don't know how long
he'll last #

# Let me see that I.V. #

# Here we go,
time to operate #

# I'll pull his insides out #

# pull his insides out #

# And see what he ate #

# Like a surgeon #

# Hey #

# Cuttin'
for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon #
(bell dings)

# Here's a waiver
for you to sign #

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa... #

(suction)

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa... #

(suction)

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa #

# It's a fact,
I'm a quack #

# The disgrace of the A.M.A. #

# 'Cause my patients die #

# Yeah my patients die
before they can pay #

# Like a surgeon #

# Hey #

# Cuttin'
for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon #

# Got your kidneys
on my mind #

# Like a surgeon #

# Ooh, hoo, like a surgeon #

# When I reach inside #

# With my scalpel #

# And my forceps #

# And retractors #

# Oh, ho... oh, oh, oh #

# Oh-oh-oh, ho...
oh... ho... oh... ho... #

# Ooh, baby, baby #

# Yeah #

# I can hear your heart beat #

# For the very last time #

(flatline tone)

#

(buzzer)

(narrator)
Al's success continued to grow,

and Barry Cohen continued
to rise to the occasion.

Al, some gentlemen
are coming by

to show us some ideas
about ancillary merchandising.

There's all kinds of money
that can be made here.

It's like
apples and oranges,

death and taxes,

uh, Amos and Andy,

ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop,
ba-da-boom.

Mr. Cohen!

Mr. Yankovic!

I don't want to take
much of your time,

so let me get
straight to the point.

This little baby's
gonna sell like hotcakes.

It's a perfect tie-in
for your client.

It's the hottest product

on the rock-'n'-roll market
today!

This item's a perennial

that never fails
to grab the younger market.

Now, if you're
talking penetrating

the 6- to 12-year-old
segment,

this baby wholesales
for $14.95,

but believe me
when I tell you

the stores won't be able
to stock 'em fast enough.

Sounds interesting.

It comes complete
with a genuine nylon wig;

plastic, nontoxic eyeglasses;

and a self-adhesive,
fire-resistant mustache.

It is a genuine fun item.

Why, my whole family
derives hours of pleasure

from this unique
leisure product.

You know, Al,

all your female friends
everywhere

will love this.

Now, maybe they're at home,

they're having a great,
romantic evening

with a husband, a boyfriend,

they're playing Weird Al music
on the record player,

and they need
that certain something

to turn up the heat.

Voil�!

Edible underwear.

Great idea, huh?

That's fantastic!

What do you think, Al?

(narrator) Al realized that his vision
of show business

was very different

from the glaring reality
confronting him.

This palatial estate,
now known as Yankland,

became Al's retreat.

Previously owned
by Charlie Chaplin

and Ricardo Montalb�n,

Al used his unique
design talents

to adapt the house to his
personal living standards.

Although he owned
thousands of automobiles,

this '77 Toyota
was his favorite.

One of the pleasures that comes
with international stardom

is the companionship

of Hollywood's
most alluring starlets.

Yeah, Al's career
is really exploding.

The things
he comes up with!

It boggles my mind.
How does he do it?

In fact, we've just come
from editing his latest video.

It's phenomenal!

It's hip. It's black.
It's country. It's now.

It's all over the charts.

Here, let me show it to you.

You're gonna love this.

Hey, are we still rolling?

No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Cut that.
Shut that thing off!

(beep-beep)

In fact, we've just come
from editing Al's latest video.

Here it is.

# Ah... ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... ah #

# Doo-wop... #
# Well, I heard that you're leavin' #

# Leavin' #

# Goin' to leave me
far behind #

# So far behind #

# 'Cause you found
a brand-new lover #

# You decided
that I'm not your kind #

# Ah... ah...
ah... ah... #

# So, I pulled your name out
of my Rolodex #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh... #

# And I tore all your pictures
in two #

# And I burned down
the malt shop #

# Where we used to go #

# Just because it reminds me
of you #

# Dip-dip-dip-Dippity-Do,
yeah #

# That's right #
# That's right #

# You ain't gonna see me
cryin' #

# I'm glad #
# I'm glad #

# That you found
somebody new #

# 'Cause I'd rather
spend eternity #

# Eating shards
of broken glass #

# Than spend one more minute
with you #

# Ah... ah... ah... #

# guess I might seem
kind of bitter #

# You got me feelin' down
in the dumps #

# Oh... oh... ah... #

# 'Cause I'm stranded all alone
in the gas station of love #

# And I have to use
the self-service pumps #

# Oh, so, honey, let me help you
with that suitcase #

# Ooh... ooh... ooh... #

# You ain't #
# You ain't #

# Gonna break my heart
in two #

# 'Cause I'd rather #

# Get a hundred thousand
paper cuts on my face #

# Than spend one more minute
with you #

# Whoa... #

# I'd rather rip out
my intestines with a fork #

# Than watch you going out
with other men #

# Oh... oh... oh... #

# I'd rather slam my fingers
in a door #

# Yeah #

# Again and again and again
and again and again #

Oh, can't you see
what I'm tryin' to say, darlin'?

# I'd rather have my blood
sucked out by leeches #

# Leeches #

# Shove an ice pick
under a toenail or two #

# I'd rather clean
all the bathrooms #

# In Grand Central Station
with my tongue #

# Than spend one more minute
with you #

# Yes, I'd rather jump naked
on a huge pile of thumbtacks #

# Or stick my nostrils together
with Krazy Glue #

# Ah... ah... #

# I'd rather dive
into a swimming pool #

# Filled with
double-edged razor blades #

# Than spend one more minute
with you #

# I'd rather rip my heart
right out of my rib cage #

# With my bare hands #

# And then throw it on the floor
and stomp on it till I die #

(shrieks)

# Than spend one more minute #

# With you #

# Hoo... #

Oh, it was a great shot, Frank.
It was truly inspired.

The light behind Al
was... mystical.

I feel good about it
myself.

I knew that take 32
was going to be the one.

Yeah, but did we have to
do it so many times?

I mean-- I mean, take 32
looked the same as take 3.

Didn't have the magic.

Yeah, well, guess this
is almost a wrap,

so we can get this thing
in the can, huh?

By the way, has Al come up
with an end for the video yet?

I don't think so,
but he's working on it.

Oh... wait a minute
Working on it?

What? What? What?
Like his last album?

God, it took him six months
just to come up with a title.

I mean, I don't even think
his stuff is funny.

Oh, oh, sure, my kids
like it and everything, but...

Al! How you doing?
Love your stuff, babe.

I want to tell you,

this video is gonna be
a monster,

and all the guys
down at the label

are behind you 110%.

Shh!

(shouts)
I got it!

A kiwi!

Oh, a kiwi!

Kiwi.
$1.15 a pound.

Are-- Are--
Are kiwis imported? Yeah.

A kiwi.
No!

An eggplant.

An eggplant!

No, no, never mind.
A kiwi. More seeds.

Uh, okay, we should
now be able to--

A man!

I see a man

wrapped in bandages
from the waste up.

No!

From head to toe.

His entire body
covered with bandages.

A bandaged man.

And he's got a knife
in his left hand.

And what is he cutting?

A kiwi!
(gasps)

This is fantastic!

Did I say they were
Day-Glo green bandages?

No.

Come on!
Let's shoot this thing!

We have the smoke
happening,

so come on!

Everybody's waitin'.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Time is money.

Let's get this thing
in the can, huh?

Okay! Let's see.

We've got a man
dressed in bandages

from head to toe.

Green bandages.

He's holding a knife
in his left hand,

and he's cutting open
a kiwi.

And he's wearing
sunglasses!

(gasps)

This is fantastic!

I don't-- I don't know.
I don't get it.

I mean, what's this
got to do with anything?

(chuckling)
I mean...

It's a dream.

It's all happening
in a dream.

It's beautiful!

It's like a cross between

"The Wizard of Oz"
and "Return of the Mummy."

Sounds good to me.

(shouts)
Mr. Potato Head!

(gasps)

A whole army
of Mr. Potato Heads.

High concept.

I love it.
It works.

I need a fish-eye lens
and a crane.

Okay.

So, now that
that's settled,

let's put this thing
to bed.

This video does
world-premiere tomorrow,

and maybe we can still
bring it in under budget.

Shh! He's on a roll.

Chinese checkers,

mashed potatoes,

and a Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Fabulous!
Fabulous.

It's like a cross between
"Blade Runner"

and "Kramer vs. Kramer."

Unbelievable!
Unbelievable!

Oh, yeah, and I suppose they all
ride off into the sunset

on plastic cows, huh?

That's good.
I like that.

Plastic cows!

(motor revving)

We oughta shoot this.

Uh, Al, can I
get you anything?

What?
What'd he say?

This is fabulous!
Fabulous!

More smoke!

#

# Put down the chainsaw
and listen to me #

# It's time for us
to join in the fight #

# It's time to let your babies
grow up to be cowboys #

# It's time to let
the bedbugs bite #

# You better all your eggs
in one basket #

# You better count your chickens
before they hatch #

# You better sell some wine
before its time #

# You better find yourself
an itch to scratch #

# You better squeeze
all the Charmin you can #

# When Mr. Whipple's
not around #

# Stick your head
in the microwave #

# And get yourself a tan #

#

# Talk with your mouth full #

# Bite the hand
that feeds you #

# Bite off more
than you can chew #

# What can you do? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Take some wooden nickels #

# Look for Mr. Goodbar #

# Get your mojo working now #

# I'll show you how
you can dare to be stupid #

# You can turn
the other cheek #

# You can just give up
the ship #

# You can eat a bunch of sushi
then forget to leave a tip #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Come on and dare
to be stupid #

# It's so easy to do #
# Dare to be stupid #

# We're all waiting for you #

# Let's go #

#

# It's time to make a mountain
out of a molehill #

# Forget I have a volunteer #

# There's no more time
for crying over spilled milk #

# Now it's time for crying
in your beer #

# Settle down, raise a family
join the PTA #

# Buy some sensible shoes
and a Chevrolet #

# Then party till you're broke
and they drag you away #

# It's okay
you can dare to be stupid #

# It's like spitting
on a fish #

# It's like barking
up a tree #

# It's like I said
you gotta buy one #

# If you wanna get one free #

# Dare to be stupid #
# Yes #

# Why don't you dare
to be stupid? #

# It's so easy to do #
# Dare to be stupid #

# We're all waiting for you #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Burn your candle
at both ends #

# Look a gift horse
in the mouth #

# Mashed potatoes
can be your friends #

#

# You can be
a coffee achiever #

# You can sit around the house
and watch "Leave It To Beaver" #

# The future's up to you
so what you gonna do? #

# Dare to be stupid
dare to be stupid #

# What did I say? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Tell me
what did I say? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# It's all right #

# Dare to be stupid #

# We can be stupid
all night #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Come on
join the crowd #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Shout it out loud #

# Dare to be stupid #

# I can't hear you #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Okay, I can hear you now #

# Dare to be stupid #
# Let's go #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

Hi, Al here.

Well, that's the whole story.

The ups and the downs,

the dreams
and the disappointments.

The agony and the ecstasy.

The compleat Al.

And now, I'd just like
to take this opportunity

to say thank you
to all of my fans

who have been so supportive
over the years.

I can't begin to tell you
how much you all mean to me.

You know, without you,
I'd be nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing,
but...

I'd be a worthless hunk
of slime.

I'd be a horrible, smelly,
weasel-faced shell of a man

just crawling around
in the gutter

and eating leftover
macaroni and cheese

out of the garbage can.

I'd be this fat, hairy,
disgusting slob

with green teeth,
talking to fire hydrants

and drooling on myself.

I'd be less than human!

I'd be a pathetic
little worm.

No, not a worm, a--
a kangaroo!

I'd just be this kangaroo
hop-hop-hopping along--

Did I say "kangaroo"?
I meant an amoeba.

I'd be a one-celled amoeba,
or, or a paramecium.

Yeah, yeah, that's it,
a paramecium!

I can see it now.
I'd be this lousy,

stinking paramecium, just waving
my flagella all around

and translocating
from place to place.

I'd be this--
Hey, hey, where you going?

Hey, wait a minute,
come back!

(voice echoing)
Hey! Hey, hey, hey...

(narrator)
Weird Al,

the man, the myth,
the legend.

Where will he go
from here?

What new worlds
will he conquer?

Who does he think he is?

Will he continue to capture
the hearts of millions,

or will he fade
into oblivion

like some insignificant pest?

How should I know?