All language subtitles for Not Going Out s05e06 Drunk.eng

Bit of a waste, isn't it?

I'm having a clear-out.

And anyway, when are you ever going
to drink elderflower rum?

If I ever became a gay pirate.

What's this one? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's called Braindead. It's my cousin
Tony's home made potato hooch

and it makes you go blind.

Tony? Which one's Tony?

The blind one.

I'm serious, Lee, it's lethal.

A couple of these and you'll wake up
with no memory of the entire evening.

Oh. That old chestnut again.

Funny how we conveniently forget
things when we're drunk.

Not this again.

It was a quick snog, with a stranger,
at a works party.

And what's more, I don't remember it
happening. I was very, very drunk.

Yeah, so you claim.

I thought you were my lodger.
When did you become my husband?

Yesterday. We got married.

You probably don't remember,
you were drunk.

Or pretending to be drunk anyway.

Why is it when we have rows,
you're always so bloody righteous?

I don't know. Why are you
always so bloody wrongous?

People don't really forget things
when they're drunk.

OK, Mr Memory Man.
You asked for this.

Get some of this down your neck and
we'll see how easy it is to black out.

Fine. Bring it on.

Very...potatoey.

I'm getting Maris Piper with a...

subtle hint of
Birds Eye Potato Waffle.

Well, I'm glad
you like it. Let's get mashed!

? Wake up
It's a beautiful morning...

? Wake up... ?

Ugh.

If Carlsberg did hangovers.

Oh, God, I can't feel my hand.
I've had a stroke.

Oh, God!

Oh...thank you.

Oh, God!

Oh...God.

Oh, yeah.

I thought I didn't own KerPlunk.

Ugh.

Have you've been sleeping in my bed?

Yeah. I also think I've
also been sitting in your chair

and eating your porridge.

Why are you in here?

I can't remember.

Me neither.

Oh, well, that solves the blackout
argument.

Looks like you're the winner.

Oh, God!

I take it you're naked as well.

Well, I kept my socks on.
I've got some dignity.

OK, one of us
needs to get out of this bed.

OK, I'll go,
but I'm wrapping the sheet round me.

Then I'll be sprawled
out on the bed naked.

You can drop the dirty
talk, you've snared me once already.

If a woman wanted to snare you,

she wouldn't need a litre
of 85% proof spirit.

It could be done with a wine gum.

OK, plan B.

Always be careful
what you wish for.

What does that mean?

I've always had
a thing for Tom Cruise.

Where's my jeans? Well,
I've got some of them now.

Whoa!

So, erm... How you feeling?

Like I've been
pounded by some kind of jackhammer.

Barry White.

Proves it wasn't my idea.
I hate Barry White, you love him.

Tea-lights... You.

Petals in a bowl of water... You.

Bag of jam doughnuts...
All right, I'll take that one.

Ooh, sorry. Please, can you
stop apologising?

OK. Sorry.

I'm mean, I'm not sorry.

It's your fault for having brutish
hands that get in the way.

Too far the other way. OK.
I'll meet you in the middle.

That's not a euphemism for...
Can you just stop talking?

Sorry. Do you want some juice?
That wasn't one either.

Look, let's sit down.
We need to talk.

If we're going to get past this,
we need to agree on a few things.

Firstly, you have to stop flinching
at everything

that could count
as a double entendre.

OK.

Secondly, no more pussyfooting.

And we have to make
sure it never, ever happens again.

It won't. You know, unless we got
really mullered again and...

Never, ever happen again,
you're right.

And most importantly, we have to make
sure that no-one else finds out.

That way we won't be reminded
every five minutes, will we?

OK. Deal.

Well, I hope you
two are proud of yourselves.

You disgust me. Almost as much
as Lee's bedsheets do.

I normally have a shower in the
morning, but after lying on those,

I think I'm going to give myself a
good scrub down with some sandpaper.

What was your brother doing here?

I don't know. He was meant
to be away on holiday.

Come on...think.

Was I using these powers last night?

Actually, I've just remembered.
Tim turned up last night.

Hola, mis amigos!

It's Tim! He's talking
Welsh and he's got a tiny new wife.

Tell him we're dead.

Lee says we're dead.

But I've brought two hours
of holiday videos.

Tell him we wish we were dead.

He's never going to let us
forget this.

I'm not sure I can cope with that.

Don't worry. I'll talk to him,
explain things.

It's about time he learned
about the bird and the bees.

Having said that, this is Tim.

I'll probably have to take
a courgette and lady's purse.

OK. But in the meantime,

can we please make sure that nobody
else finds out about this?

Hello, you cheeky little rascals!

Sore heads this morning, have we?

Tim's tiny Welsh wife has grown.

Will Daisy be joining us?

No, she's gone back to your place
to collect some things.

You may have noticed we
left in rather a hurry this morning.

Yeah. Was it someone I did?
Something!

Don't get me a drink.
I wasn't going to.

Good. I've taken the pledge.

Oh, drinking furniture
polish now, are we?

Look, Tim, it was the alcohol.
I can't even remember what happened.

Well, let me enlighten you.

Daisy and I came to visit straight
from the airport.

I know you did,
I just can't remember.

We brought you a dancing
flamenco doll.

I know that too,
but again, I can't remember.

I told you all about the distinctive
architecture of post-Franco Madrid

and its numerous museum
exhibitions.

I suppose I'll have
to tell you that all over again.

It's fine, I can remember all that
clearly.

Oh, you can, can you? And do you
remember your attitude as well?

Remind me.

Lucy and you making out I was the
most boring man on the planet.

I'm sure we didn't mean it.
Is that right?

Apparently, it's the existence
of cornicing rather than roof eaves

that show it's early 17th century.

You really are the most
boring man on the planet.

Yeah. And guess what?

We mean it.

I would've stormed out
there and then,

if you hadn't made us take a sip
of that Braindead.

There was no way we were driving
after that.

So that's why you stayed over, then?

Yes. You're only saving grace last
night, and I mean only,

was that you kindly offered me
and Daisy your bed

and you agreed to sleep on the sofa.

What do you mean
"sleep on the sofa"?

Well, where else would
you sleep?

We were in your bed,
Lucy was in hers.

So that's why you're angry, is it?
Just because we called you boring.

There's not something else
I should be angry about, is there?

There is, isn't there? Something
else happened after we went to bed.

You called me other names,
didn't you?

Yes.

Let's hear them, then.

Poo-head.

Go on.

Smelly face.

What else?

Nasty, numpty, knicker-wearing
knob-head.

Any more? Bell-end.

Well, you've certainly upped
the ante.

Oh, not your auntie as well.
What? Nothing.

Look, Tim.,
you're none of those things.

It was just the drink talking.
Can we move on and forget about it?

OK, you're forgiven. Again.

Just make sure Lucy gets me my video
camera back

as soon as she's finished with it.

Well?

He doesn't know a thing.
He thinks I slept on the sofa.

Oh, thank you, God.

And when Daisy came round to collect
her stuff, she was clueless too.

Yeah, but does she know about me
and you?

Ha, ha, ha. That's funny.

Sorry, I'm so relieved,
I'm a bit hysterical.

That's all right,

I bet I can find a way of wiping
that smile off your face!

I doubt that.

Oh, I do like a challenge!

Here we go.

Last night, me and you might have
made a sex tape!

You woke Tim up in the night
to borrow his video camera.

Oh, wait a minute...

Lucy! It's three o'clock
in the morning.

Just lend me the video camera,
you meanie.

Otherwise I'll tell Mum
and Dad you've got syphilis.

It's on the table, just get out.

Ssh.

It's time to make a movie,
Mr Loverman.

Don't worry, I won't hurt you.
I have a very gentle touch.

OK, maybe I intended
to make a sex tape,

but there was no way
I'd have actually done it.

Well, there's an easy way of finding
out. Where's the video camera?

I don't know.

You going to look in my bedroom?

No, Lucy, I'm going to contact
the makers of You've Been Framed

in case we sent it in.

Well, I found my jeans.

Have I got a tripod in my trousers
or am I just pleased to see you?

Come on, then,
what are we waiting for?

Rewinding the tape.
It was right at the end.

We made a two-hour film?

I have certain
techniques for making things last.

I really don't want to know.

Oh, God. What?
Just thinking about Tim.

That's one of the techniques,
actually.

I meant if he'd have seen this.

Well, let's not panic
until we've seen it.

Here we go.

Is that popcorn?

We're not at the cinema, you know.
Ssh...

Oh, God.

'Come on, then, let's do it.'

This is Tim and Daisy.

Oh, my God.
How more perverted can this get?

When in Spain,
do as the Spaniards do.

I've already told you, Tim,
I won't do it. The answer's no.

This is their holiday video.

'Oh, come on, it'll be fun.'

It's not fair on the animals.

I mean you wouldn't go
to a bullfight,

so why would you go
to a flamingo dance?

If this was the tape in the camera,
it means we didn't make a sex tape.

Oh, thank God!

I'm surprised Tim didn't ask Daisy
to pick this up

when she came round earlier.

Yeah, but you know
what Daisy's like.

She'd probably mess it up
and take the wrong tape.

Oh, my God!

Daisy's got our sex tape!

Oh, hello Daisy.
Hang on, I want to hear this.

Hang on, Daisy, I'm just going to put
you on speaker mode.

'I AM in speaking mode.'

Daisy, when you came round earlier,
did you get everything you needed?

Yeah. It was just a few things.

Jacket, phone, handbag,
holiday video.

So you found it all right, then?

Yeah, it was in the camera. It's
obvious when you think about it.

I don't know why I looked in
the airing cupboard for so long.

Anyway,

I took the tape out and I saw a
spare tape lying next to the camera,

so I popped that one in for you.

So, erm... Where is the tape now?

Well, funnily enough, I'm sat here
just about to watch it.

No! No!

Sorry? What's going on?

Sorry. We just don't think you
should watch it.

'Why?'

Because we want you to come round
here and watch it with us.

Our way of saying sorry for showing
no interest in your holiday video.

Erm, well, yeah, I suppose
that would be nice.

But I don't think Tim
or your Mum and Dad

would want to come round
this time of night.

Why are you at Mum and Dad's?

We're staying overnight,

watching the video,
handing out presents.

They even come with different
clothes

so you can change them into
whatever colour dress you fancy.

Blimey, even for me,
that was effeminate.

Can we please get on and watch
this blasted tape?

Sorry, Lucy, got to go.

No! Daisy, put me on speaker phone.

Hi, Mum...Dad.

Hello, darling.
Oh, for heaven's sake.

It's very late, we've got to get
through two hours of watching

people fiddling with maracas
and riding around on smelly donkeys.

I think he's on to us.

How are you going to watch it,
Geoffrey? We've got Tim's camera.

My tape fits Mum and Dad's camera.

Yeah, we've really had a stroke
of luck there, haven't we!

Oh, you'll be having
another stroke before you know it.

Hello, Lee. Haven't seen much
of you lately.

Ooh. Give it a minute.

Well, wait, I want to watch it
with you.

You should have shown this sort of
interest when you had the chance.

Then wait until tomorrow
and I'll come over.

Don't be ridiculous,
we're watching it now.

'Yes, press play, Geoffrey.'

You hate me!

What? 'You've always hated me.'

That's why out of this precious
video-watching session.

You've always loved Tim more than me.

How can you say that, darling?

It's like that time we went
to the farm

and you ignored me and paid Tim
all the attention.

He had just had
a panic attack, darling.

Yes, I had just been got
cornered by the livestock.

It was a butterfly farm.

And just because of that,

Mum and Dad let you sit in the front
seat all the way home.

I had to sit in the front, Lucy.
I was driving.

It's not fair! You hate me!

Adopted.

I bet I was adopted.

Right, put that camera away now.

Calm down, Lucy, we won't watch it
until you're here.

For pity's sake. All right,
we'll wait until the morning.

It's not fair. You hate me!

Well done. Come on.

Where we going? Where do you think
we're going? To Mum and Dad's.

Do you honestly think I'm going
to wait until tomorrow,

knowing that tape is
sitting in their video camera?

It's a long drive.
Bring your popcorn.

Why did I have to come?

Because this is your fault.

If you'd believed me about
not remembering that bloke,

this never would have happened.

And how are
we supposed to get in?

They keep a spare
key under the brick!

We're making a habit of this,
aren't we?

Two nights on the run banging round
together in the dark.

Just find the bloody camera!

Lucy! Psst! Lucy!

Make them stop!

I said make them stop,
not join in!

Hello.

We were just passing by.

Thought we'd pop in and, uh...

smash these dolls'
heads against the mantelpiece.

Oh, look, her underwear's come off.

She's a Basque Separatist.

What the hell's going on?

I know why they're here.
They're feeling guilty

about not wanting to watch
the holiday video last night,

so they're trying to look keen.

That's good.
I mean that's right.

For God's sake, let's just watch
this bloody thing now, then.

Not now! I don't want to!

Goodness, first you want to,
then you don't. What's going on, darling?

And why's Lee got the video camera
in his coat pocket?

There's something on that tape,
isn't there?

Something you don't want us to see.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course
there isn't, Tim. I promise.

Don't worry, we believe you,
darling.

If your sister says there's nothing
on there, you ought to accept that.

Thanks, Mum.

And when we watch this tape,
I hope you feel ashamed of yourself.

You can't watch it!

I don't know what's on that
tape exactly,

but whatever it is, it caused you
to break in here in the middle of the night,

so we're finding out.
Sit down and shut up.

You hate me, Dad!

Yes, I do.

Sit!

And you!

Do something. What?

Pull the plug!

I want to die.

Hang on, we still don't know
it's a sex tape.

Hello, viewers, and welcome
to Lucy and Lee's sex tape.

Talk about spoiling the ending.

'Lights, camera...'

action. Wait there. I'm just
going to get his kit off.

Actually,
I might need the zoom lens.

Ssh!

Do you know anything about
common decency, Lucy?

Never zoom in on automatic mode
with a TS-90.

This is starting to look
like a Crimewatch reconstruction.

I didn't know you had a birth mark,
Lee.

It's filth.

It's not that bad. Yet.

No, I mean it's not a birth mark.
It's filth.

Right,
it's time for some fun and games.

Something tells me we're not
about to watch Countdown.

I'll have two from the top and one
from the bottom.

Show me what you can do, then,
big boy.

Yeah, right!

In your dreams.

There won't be any sleeping
together tonight, matey.

Well, that's a shame -
look, I was all over you.

There's a reason I'm doing all this,

Mr "I never forget anything
when I'm drunk".

It's so that tomorrow morning,

you'll think we slept together
and you won't remember,

because despite your smart comments
about me snogging that bloke,

drink DOES make you forget! See!

And when I show you this video,
I will be proved right.

And then who's going to look like
the idiot? Huh?

I know this one.

Good night, viewers.

This has been Lucy Adams,
BBC Pissed, Bedfordshire.

Ew...

I nearly put my head on those.

Is that it?

Yeah. That's it.

We just slept together!
We actually just slept together.

It's funny, isn't it?

Your holidays are never quite
the way you remember them.

Well, I've just watched
the rest of the tape. We're safe.

You've just watched me
and you just sleeping for two hours?

Well, it wasn't just sleeping.

There was a bit of farting
and snoring to keep up the interest.

Lovely!

Don't worry, it wasn't loud enough
to wake me up.

Bit of a close shave, wasn't it?

It's hard to say -
it's out of focus.

Oh, I see.

So, erm... What if we had have?

How do you mean?

What would we have done
if we had have slept together?

I'm quite a big fan of doing
that thing where you...

I don't mean in bed!

I mean afterwards. The future.

Well, we'd be grown up about it,
wouldn't we,

and do what men and women always
do in those situations.

You'd have pretended nothing's
happened, had a nice long hot bath,

and I'd have gone down the pub
and told all my mates.

You've only got one mate
and he's my brother.

That's true. All right, I'd have
jumped in the bath with you.

Oh, well, looks like a nightcap's
out of the question.

Probably not a good idea anyway.
Especially with my head.

It's still hurting.
Yeah, me too.

Just think how much worse
I'd have felt

if I hadn't just been pretending
to drink this stuff last night.

Ah...