All language subtitles for Not Going Out s05e04 Running.eng

Must be an easier
way of taking off those trainers.

Tonight on Channel 5,

the tragic story of the girl that
was born with no knees or elbows.

I can't believe you're doing all
this training just for a fun run.

Fun run?

Well, it's not exactly
a serious race, is it?

I bet you'll see more
Honey Monsters than Kenyans.

It's still 10km!

Imagine having to run to
the supermarket, then back,

then again, then back,
and then again, and then back.

Easy. You reckon?

Yeah, I'd use Ocado.

You're jealous,
you know you couldn't do it.

10km? I could do it
standing on my head.

Come on then, enter the race, show
me what you've got, Paula Radcliffe.

Never say that to Paula Radcliffe.

You said you could do it
standing on your head.

Definitely don't say that to
Paula Radcliffe.

All right...

Put me down.

Oh, why is there never a vet
around when you need one?

You've got to train
for these things.

I know. In fact, I think I might pop
out now and do a quick three-miler.

All right, well, take it easy,
especially on your first day.

Thanks for the advice, but I
was doing half marathons

when you were still
in your school uniform.

Only you could say that
and make it sound like an alibi.

Almost there.
Aghh! Not too fast.

This is like doing
the three-legged-race

with my less-developed Siamese twin.

Thanks for picking me up.
That's all right.

How far did you run exactly?

Just less than three.

Miles or kilometres?

Minutes.

Well, I wasn't
expecting to pull something.

Please don't say that
when you've got your arm around me.

Especially not dressed like that.

Did you remember to stretch?

I want to get faster, not longer.

Yes, I am. Pint of lager, please.

And a tomato juice for the wife.

Anyway, what's the point?
Lucy's right.

I'm clearly not up to this.

Is that what this is all about, then,

trying to prove yourself
to your beloved landlady?

Yeah, Tim, that's right.

I figured if I can run faster
than your sister

she might let me have sex with her.

That's how all northerners
get a mate, isn't it?

You'll be fine,
all you need is a sports massage.

I know someone good.

They helped me out recently
with a squash injury.

A squash injury? What happened?

Did you injure yourself letting
the lid off the Um Bongo bottle?

Um Bongo doesn't come in a bottle,
it's a fruit drink in a pouch.

Do you think the Chuckle Brothers
argue like this?

Trust me, this masseur's brilliant.
Give him a go.

Him?

You let a bloke massage you?

Where was the injury?

If you must know,
it was a groin injury.

What, you mean way down deep
in the middle of the Congo?

Sorry, I've got the Um Bongo
advert in my head now.

I'll book my own massage, thank you.

Do me a favour,
don't tell Lucy I'm injured,

I don't want her thinking
I'm dropping out.

Dropping out? In those little shorts
I think it's unavoidable.

Letting a bloke massage you.

You're unbelievable.
I bet you insist on a woman

when you get yourself waxed
as well, don't you?

Oh, hello. How come
I didn't see you last night?

Oh, I just fancied going
straight to bed after my run.

Oh, you ran quite far,
then, did you?

Yeah, I almost ended
up at the hospital.

That's quite far, actually.

I'm very impressed.

What you doing?

Having my breakfast.

Why aren't you sitting down?

Seemed appropriate
having my breakfast high up.

Why?

It's Alpen.

Ooops! Avalanche.

What time you back tonight?

Not until late.
I'm going to run back. Why?

I've got a woman coming round.

Oh, yeah? Has the chloroform
rubbed off already?

What woman?

Personal trainer. She's going to
take me to the next level.

Blimey, listen to Usain Bolt.

Well Usain Bolt, I say tomato.

Well, aren't you going to
get the brush?

Yeah. Soon as I've finished
my breakfast.

I might tell Weight Watchers
about this idea.

Oh!

Ow! Aghhh!
That really hurts, you know.

What is it you English say?

"Without you having
any of the pain first,

"then there is not going to be
any of the gain afterwards."

I don't think we say it
quite as succinctly as that.

Arghhh! You're making joke, right?

You are saying
I say this thing wrong way.

It sound different when I say it
because it is too long, right?

Hmm. I understand. It is funny

You do know a laugh would have
covered all that, don't you?

Aghhh!

Have you done a massage before?

Of course.

Back in Warsaw I am known as Claudia
Gentle She Goat Hoof Fingers.

It translates better in Polish.

Argghh! I'll tell you
where the plans are hidden.

OK, time for T-shirt off, I think.

Why? Are you going fight me now?

Off, please. It's only my
leg that's injured.

Don't be shy.

I am sure you have very nice body.
Thank you very much.

I've got a very nice bathroom,
do you need to see that too?

What? You prefer to do it
in the bathroom?

Do what?

Happy ending.

Are you going to read to me?

If you like.

You want to pretend to
be baby, right?

You want Mamma to read to you
and change your nappy?

Are you talking on one of those
Bluetooth thingies?

Sorry...

are you erm...

prostitute?

No. I am a professional nurse
working for NHS,

this is new service we provide.

You see, now I do joke.

Of course I am prostitute.

The advert in the newsagent
window said massage.

It says "exotic massage."

I thought it meant you were
Brazilian or something.

I do HAVE Brazilian.

You want to see?

You just leave Juninho where he is,
thank you very much.

I'm sorry, there's been
a bit of a crossed wire here,

could you just leave please?

I don't leave until you pay me.

�100.

We didn't do anything.

That's not my fault.
You pay me for one hour.

An hour?
It wouldn't have taken me an hour.

How long would it have taken you?

I'll cover the cost
of your travel card.

Pay me or I send round man.

He has special way of dealing
with people like you.

He will break every
bone in your body.

I'm surprised you need him.

If you are hooker as well,
make sure he pays you first.

Nice day at the office?

I don't know what's worse.

You using the services of
women like that here,

or the fact that she
thought I was one too.

What kind of hooker
dresses like this?

Sebastian Ho?

Lucy, do I look like the type
of person who pays for sex?

Not usually, no. It would be
a bit odd paying yourself.

I thought she was a genuine
sports massage person.

Is that right?
And why would you need one of those?

I got injured yesterday running.

Lucy, think what you like about me,
but I've never lied to you.

I thought you said
the run went well.

I lied.

I didn't want you thinking
I was some sort of failure.

Oh, well, nothing screams success
more than being caught

in your pants with
a six-foot hooker.

I thought you were going
to be back late.

I forgot my stopwatch.

Unlike you, I was planning more than
30 seconds of active exercise today.

Oh, will you stop doing that,

following me round pretending
you're injured?

You're like an appeal
for abused whippets.

Right, if you don't believe me,
I'll phone that Claudia woman now

and she can prove I'm telling
the truth. Where's that number?

You're such a liar.
It was in my top pocket.

Look, Lucy, I promise,
nothing happened between us.

Blimey, rejected by a hooker.
That's a new low, even for you.

I wasn't rejected,
I declined her services.

Why did you pay her?

Because she rubbed
oil at the top of my legs.

Just the tree trunks,
not the acorns.

And that costs �100, does it?

No, the �100 was to stop
the pimp beating me up.

You've met
the pimp as well, have you?

No, I haven't met the pimp!
And I don't want to.

The best way to not meet him is to
always pay to the prostitute.

Now you're just quoting the motto
from your family's coat of arms.

A lady of the night? Blimey.

Well, I suppose it is the oldest
profession in the world.

I've never really understood
how that worked.

How do you mean?

If it's the oldest
profession in the world,

at some point it must have been
the first and only profession.

So?

So where was everyone else
getting the money to pay for it?

Look, Tim, I need you
to do me a favour.

Can you go round to the flat
and tell Lucy that

I got injured running yesterday and
that you suggested a sports massage?

Are you sure you're giving me
the whole picture here?

What's that supposed to mean?

You were very adamant about not have
a man massaging you, weren't you?

Why do you choose a woman to
do your cleaning?

Because I don't want some strange
bloke walking round my flat.

I prefer a woman doing it.

So that means you want to have
sex with her, right? Of course not.

Apart from the obvious moral
argument,

at �9.50 an hour, I want
her fully focused on the dusting.

Exactly. And at �100 an hour

I wanted her focused on
my quadricep femoris.

You are disgusting.

It's a muscle.

I don't care what it's classed as.

Right, that's it. Come on
Where are we going?

We're going to the newsagents
to find that phone number

and you can phone that
bloody woman yourself.

She'll confirm to you I'm
telling the truth.

Right. I will.

I always think truth is a bit
like an expensive cashmere jumper.

Ruined when stretched.

I always think the truth is a like
an expensive roll of toilet paper.

Wasted on arseholes.

Where's it gone?

I'm telling you, it was just there.
Well, it's not there any more, is it?

Unless she's changed her name to
Puppies for Sale.

She may as well have.

I'm going to ask inside

Of course you are. Why let a little
thing like dignity get in the way?

Hello.

Yes?

There was a card in the window
earlier but now it's gone.

"School children only allowed
when accompanied by an adult?"

I've got ID.

That's the card I took down.

What about the... other one?

You know, the...

the lady...

who does the massage.

Oh, that. I removed it.

I felt it was inappropriate.

I agree.

Shouldn't be allowed.
I blame the men who ring.

If it wasn't for them,
these women wouldn't be exploited.

It's disgusting.

Are you looking for
the phone number?

Yes.

Well, I've thrown it away.

Oh.

Is that all you came in for?

No.

Two Curly Wurlys, please.

And one for yourself.

Try Hanover Street.

I believe that's where these
women like to tout for these

desperate, sad individuals.

I hope that's not aimed at me.

I'll have you know I'm a valued and
respected member of the community.

Which way's Hanover Street?

I can't see her.

Maybe we should ask one of the other
women if they know her.

This is ridiculous
You're damn right it's ridiculous.

All you have to say is, "Of course
I'll verify your story to Lucy,

"you're not the type
of person to lie,

"because you're an
honourable human being

"who has some moral fibre
and decency."

Let's ask that one

Hi, darling.
Looking for some company?

Actually, I've already got company.

I see.

I don't usually do
that sort of thing,

but I'm sure we can come to some
sort of an arrangement.

Oh, goodness.

We don't want any of that
sort of thing, thank you very much.

Certainly not with him
in the same room.

I can just about tolerate having
him round for Sunday roast.

What?

One day, when you're a big boy,
I will explain why that was funny.

Look, what do you want?

Do you know where
I can find a woman called Claudia?

Sounds like Dracula
but without the charm.

Depends who's asking.

You could be the filth
for all I know.

And I ain't no grass, so if you
are rozzers, you can sling it.

Fascinating! What?

I haven't heard language like that

since my youth club
production of My Fair Lady.

Do you think you could help us
out before the Professor here

tries to kidnap you
and work on your vowel sounds?

I know where she is.

But it'll cost ya.

How much?

80.

�80 for directions?
My TomTom cost less than that.

And I bet you won't tell us in the
voice of SpongeBob Square Pants.

I could, but that'll cost ya more.

OK, fine.

Can you lend me �80?

This is going on the bill.

You now owe me �80

plus 20 years of
self respect and happiness.

All right, call it 85.

She works from a house at the top
end of Jutland Street.

Please tell me
that's an ice-cream van.

Is this ever going to end?

They'll let us go soon.

I meant our friendship.

My life's over.

Your life's over?
What about when Lucy finds out?

All this just
because of a stupid race.

You're doing better than the other
race you're involved in. What race?

The human race.

Oh, hello, officer.

Sit down.

Look, there's been a huge mistake.
We're not kerb crawlers.

We've never been in trouble
with the law in our lives.

Isn't that right, Timothy?

I was once ticked off for scrumping
apples, would that be on record?

Of course not. That was months ago.

Look, we weren't looking
for a prostitute.

Is that right?

Well, not that one anyway.
And which one were you looking for?

The one that
I had in my flat earlier.

So you had one in
your flat, did you?

Yeah, I didn't know
she was a prostitute.

Did any money change hands?

No.

Well, yes, but not
for anything untoward.

It was all above board.
So why did you pay her?

So her pimp wouldn't beat me up.

I want a different lawyer.

I'm sure if we can just find this
woman, she'll verify our story.

It's a pity you didn't find her
then, isn't it?

But there's another lady
here to see you.

Oh, thank God.
It's Inspector Clouseau.

Hello, sweetheart.

I got a call from
the police station.

It's not what it looks like.

I know, it looks like a library.

You didn't tell Lucy, did you?

Of course not.
Why on earth would I tell Lucy?

Oh, that Lucy. Yeah, I told her.

I thought you meant my cousin's cat.

Don't tell me, there's been
another misunderstanding.

You didn't know this one was
a prostitute either,

you just thought she was an overly
friendly lollipop lady.

Look, I know you're cross

Oh, this is no time for jokes, Lee.

Oh, was that not a joke?
Lollipop lady... cross?

Look, can I just explain?

Forget it. I've come to tell you not
to bother coming back to the flat.

Actually, I think he's telling
the truth, Lucy.

Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?

You think you know your own brother,
walking round all posh

and innocent like some
sort of Hugh Grant figure.

Turns out you're just a...

Well, a Hugh Grant figure.

Come on, Daisy, we're leaving.
You can help me pack Lee's things.

Where would I find a suit case?
I meant at the flat.

Oh, well, at least
they've let us go.

You heard the sergeant.
It still might be going to court.

People like me can't go to prison.

Don't worry, they'll treat
you like a king.

Well... a queen.

Look, stop panicking.
We are not going to prison

and I'm not getting evicted.

That woman told us where Claudia is

and we are going straight round
there now and telling her

she has to back up our
story to the police.

Oh, thank Goodness.
I thought I was going home

for a nice cup of tea and
a custard cream. To the brothel!

You know the last foyer I was in?

The Dorchester.

And you know who
I saw sitting in there?

Gloria Hunniford and Patricia Hodge.

This is what being
your friend's all about.

Is he the madam?

Let me do the talking.

Evening Madam... Sir.

We're looking for a woman.

Which one's it going to be?

Blimey, Cilla, I preferred
the original show.

Will it be number one, who says
she likes her men to be tall,

dark and pay cash up front?

I believe you've got a
Claudia working here.

And who are you exactly?

Actually... I'm one of her clients.

I don't remember you.

Well, I usually wear glasses,

do you remember me now?

Yeah he's the bloke who's always
in the tree opposite the building.

Can we see her or not?

Yeah, come on, don't bust our asses.

You're looking at two cats wanting
to get jiggy with some hoes.

Hammer time.

Look, Tim, why don't you leave me
to talk to the gentleman.

You go and talk to the nice ladies,
discuss make-up tips.

Oh, actually, I'm going
to need some money.

I'll tell you what, this whole
not actually using prostitutes thing

is turning out pretty expensive.

Actually, I don't suppose I could use
my Nectar... Of course not

The thing is,
it's my friend's birthday today

and I wanted to get him something
special, I usually get him a tie.

Claudia's not a Thai, she's Polish.

I meant something to
wrap around his neck.

Actually Claudia sounds perfect,
second door on the left.

And it's not just stationary
that's tax deductible,

you should be keeping
receipts for everything.

Make-up, lingerie... prophylactics.

Careful, ladies.
The first five minutes is free

but then he starts
charging his hourly rate.

Yes?

Oh, hello.

What is matter now?

Something other than your leg
stiff this time?

This is my friend Tim.

We, er, need to ask you a favour.

It's his first time, right?

No, of course it's not!

Blimey, I'm 43, not 29 again.

He doesn't want your...
services. Neither of us do.

This room is for customers only.

If Ronnie catches you just
talking to me,

he will come in here with
baseball bat and break your legs.

OK. How you want to do this?

Separately or both at the same time?

Good grief. Is it too late to take
the baseball bat?

Why did we have to
take our clothes off?

You heard the lady, Tim,
this room's for clients only.

So? People can still have intimacy
with their clothes on.

Have you heard of cuddling?

A cuddling threesome?

This is a brothel, Tim,
not an anger management workshop.

This may not be your first time, but
it is first time with hooker, right?

Believe it not, second time today.

And if you think that's a shock to
you, imagine how it sounds to me.

When I woke up this morning,

my only plans were to buy some
waterproof bicycle panniers.

What is panniers?

A storage system to aid commuting,
which attaches to the main frame.

It derives from the old French word
meaning bread basket.

I want to go home.

OK. What is going on here?

Like I say, Claudia,
we don't want... intercourse.

Well, thank goodness one of us
can talk the talk.

We need you to ask you a big favour.

I got in to a bit of trouble
with the police,

and more importantly, my landlady.

Can you come down to the police
station and tell them

everything that happened
this morning?

You want me to come with you
to police station?

Yes.

OK. We do it.

Really?

No. It is joke.

Do you think I am crazy?

If I go to police they arrest me.

And my pimp will kill you both.

Now get out now!

OK, no more Mr Nice Guy.

Either you come to the station
with us, or we tell the police

exactly where you are and what
you're doing to earn a living.

Yeah... that shut you up, hasn't it?

Ronnieeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Think about it, the police can't
arrest you for telling the truth.

It's not illegal to do proper
massages and that's all you did.

We'll pay you for your time.

And Ronnie doesn't need to know.

We can keep him in the dark.
Maybe not.

I was distinctly told

if I took my clothes off I wouldn't
get hit with a baseball bat.

I want to see the manager.

What's going on?

Everything is all right.

I thought these two men
were not going to pay

but we have reached
an amicable settlement.

OK, birthday boy,
I think your time's up.

Yeah, come on, Tim, let's be
getting you back.

Those parcels aren't going to
pass themselves.

Where are we going?

We're going to see your sister
with our heads held high.

Are you sure you're OK? Fine.

Just saving some energy
for the other 9.5K.

It was good of Claudia to tell
the police everything,

but how did you get her to
agree to talk to me?

I can be very persuasive
when I want to be.

You persuaded her it was
the right thing to do?

No, I persuaded Tim to pay
her more money.

How's the leg?

Bearing up.
I never did have that massage.

What do you reckon? I've got cash.

Well, Tim has.

You couldn't afford me, sweetheart.

That's true.

If you were a call girl,

you'd definitely be the top end
discreet stuff.

You know, just really rich
Japanese businessmen...

Stop talking! Right.

Thanks for taking me back.

That's all right.
All's well that ends well.

Yeah, I'm tempted to say it's
a happy ending,

but now I know what it means...

I hope you've learned
something from all this.

Course I have, try not to get
injured when you do running.

And when it comes to women, always
keep away from very large Poles.