All language subtitles for Highway to Heaven S04E12 With Love, The Claus.eng

[opening theme music playing]

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

-Ah, Christmas.
-Yeah, that time
of year again.

You know,
it's my favorite time
of the year. I love it.

I know what you mean.

It's like the whole world
takes on a kind of a glow,
you know?

Like everything you see
and hear, taste and smell

says it's a very
special season.

A kind of season to maybe
just take a little time,

show a little love
for, everybody,
to all your fellow men

because it's Christmas.

-[car screeches]
-[Mark] Hey!

Hey, you jerk,
what do you think
you're doing here?

What-- You don't own the road,
part of it's mine.

-Hey, hey, Mark,
Mark, Mark.
-Jerk.

-What?
-Christmas, remember?

I know that.

Oh, excuse me,
I'm looking for, Mr. Burke,
we're the temps.

[man] The temps.

[laughs] Great,
there is a God in heaven.
Come on in.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Paul Burke.

This is my junior partner,
Matty Burke.

How you doing, junior, partner?

I'm Jonathan Smith,
this is Mark Gordon.

-Here's our resumes.
-Smith, Gordon.

Smith, you're the attorney

and Gordon,
you're the investigator.

Fifteen years, Oakland PD.

The last three years,
you've been freelancing
in Human Resource Development?

Yeah.

Been a while since you
practiced law, Smith?

Yeah, it's been a while.

How are you on Santa Claus?

-Santa Claus?
-Yeah.

I wanna take Matty
down to Newman's
to meet the fat man,

you know what I mean?

And I have to appear
before a crotchety judge,

so, what I was thinking
was that you guys
would come on down with us,

keep an eye on Matty
until I get back.
What do you say?

-No problem.
-Great.

You follow me over
with your car.

[buzzer]

[receptionist] Mr. Burke,
I've got your ex on the line.

Oh, right. Uh, okay.

One minute. I got
a little negotiation here.

Hi, Donna. Yeah, listen, I've
run into a little snag here

and I won't be able to get
Matty home until 8, okay?

Wait. Wait a minute.
Slow down, will you?

Hold on a minute, will you?

What is the difference whether
I bring him home at 6 or, 8?

Fine. Super. I just want you
to know one thing.

Now, I have
Matty this Christmas.

I was gonna bring him by to see
you just as a little gesture

but, if you insist on playing
this petty game with me,

you can forget
about seeing
Matty on Christmas.

Fine, I don't need
to be at Matty's
birthday party.

We'll make our own party.

Let's go see Santa.

Gosh, look at the
size of that line.

Well, you better get a place
if you wanna see Santa today.

Right.

Listen, Smith,
I hate to do this

but, I might have to leave
before he's finished,

so, you'd really be
doing me a favor

if you'd drop Matty
off at my ex's.

Sure, no problem.

-Ever been married, Smith?
-Yeah, once, a long time ago.

So, you know what it's like.

Well, you know, I think--

I think the under wire in that
one will hold up a lot better--

Excuse me, I'm looking for,
the Santa thing.

-Could you tell me where?
-Right through that door.

Oh, thank you very much.

-The lace insert
on this would...
-Merry Christmas.

You're number 28. Have a seat
and fill that out, please.

Oh, no, no, I'm just here
for, the Santa thing, you know?

This is it. Have a seat.

No, no, I don't want a job, I
just wanna know where Santa is.

Well, you want the Toy
Department. Third floor.

Thank you.

Well, old-timer,
I hope you get the job.

I already got it. I am Santa,
but, thanks for the kind wish.

-What's your name?
-Mark. Mark Gordon.

Got it. I'm putting
you on the list.

Right.

Well, good luck.

All right, number 14.
You can get started right away.

Go in the back
and get fitted for, a suit.

Thanks.
But, I brought my own.

Boy, trying to find a
parking place

around here is ridiculous.

Oh, tell me.

Where's Burke?

He had to take off for,
that court date.

Oh, it's rough being a single
parent, huh?

Really rough,
it's rough on all of them.

That's the
assignment, isn't it?

We gotta figure out a way to

get the Burke's to
stop being lawyers

and start being
parents again.

You'll get everything you want
come Christmas morning.

You be a good
little girl now.

Well, children,
Santa's gonna take just

a little break and
he'll be right back.

Hey, but, I was next.

And you'll be first in line
when Santa comes back.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

What a gyp. He's probably going
back there to hit the bottle.

That's what they get to play
Santa, a bunch of old drunks.

But, he is Santa, isn't he?

Yeah, I bet you believe
in the tooth fairy too.

I ain't waiting for, that bum.

Oh, boy, am I glad
my shift is over.

This is worse than
dinner theater.

Well, listen, if the kid
doesn't know what he wants,

the manager wants you
to push the machine guns.

There's a pile of them
right next to the chair.

They want Santa
to push machine guns?

Well, machine guns, machetes,
grenades, the whole arsenal.

Oh, and don't take
too much time

with them.
Keep them moving.

I've been at this a
while, friend.

I think I can handle it.

Good luck.

This Christmas, ask me about

becoming a member of the
exterminator team?

What kind of Christmas is that?

Who's next?

Me, I guess.

You forgot to say,
"Ho, ho, ho."

Well, I don't feel
particularly jolly

when I see a bunch
of junk like that.

Well, what's your name, son?

Matty Burke. I don't know
if I've been good or, not.

How come, Matty?

Because everybody's mad all
the time. Even you.

Oh, I'm not mad, Matty.

Just a little ticked
off when I see

what they're doing
to Christmas,

what they're trying
to do to me.

Oh, but, Matty. I have been
watching you all year,

and let me tell you,
you're trying to be good.

You're trying to do better
and that's what counts.

You want to tell Santa
what you want?

Oh, Matty,
that's kind of rugged.

Wouldn't you like something
the elves can paint?

That's what I want.

Well, son. I won't lie to you.

Santa doesn't lie.

I can't promise you that I
can get you what you want.

But, I'll work on it.

-Fair enough?
-Fair enough.

And, merry Christmas.

Santa, can I have
a word with you?

You'll have to stand in line,
these kids are first.

I am Mr. Grinchley,
the manager.

Who authorized you
to take down that sign?

And who authorized you
to use my name

to push a bunch of machine guns

so, kids can play like
they're killing each other?

Does that sound like Christmas
to you?

It sounds like business to me.

Well, we've got the
whole problem

there, haven't we, bub?

Christmas isn't supposed to be
a business.

It's supposed to be a spirit,

and you guys are
using it and me

to cram these kids' heads
full of hate and violence,

instead of peace and love,
and it's ticking old Santa off.

You guys wanna make a buck,
go ahead,

but, don't you use Santa
to be a gunrunner for, you.

You catch my drift, Grinchley?

You're fired.
Take off that suit.

This suit was made for, me
by my missus,

so, get your mitts off it.

And you can't fire me,

because I didn't get
the job from you.

I got it from the
boss upstairs.

I am the boss from upstairs.

No, you're not. You're
just little Billy Grinchley

and you're the same brat now
you were 40 years ago.

Only now you're
not just picking

on your little brother.

You're messing
with the fat man now.

Children,

all of this isn't Christmas.

Christmas doesn't belong
to any department store.

It belongs to you. It's what
you feel in your hearts.

And you can't get that
with a credit card.

[clapping]

[Santa]
Whee!

That's the only thing around
here that's kind of fun.

You got the right
spirit, old-timer.

Listen, I think you
got a bum deal.

That turkey thinks
he can fire me.

Listen, my partner's
an attorney.

He's on another
assignment right now.

Here's our card.
You wanna fight

to try to get your job back,

maybe,
I mean, maybe we can help you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Don't mention it.
See you later.

Hi, Mommy.

Oh, Matty, darling.
I was beginning

to wonder about you.
It's past 6.

I'm Jonathan Smith. I work

for, your husband.
He asked if we'd--

Great, so, he couldn't even
bring him by himself.

Look, you tell Mr. Burke
that next time he--

Oh, what's the use?

Matty, darling,

Maria is gonna give you dinner.
Mommy has an important meeting.

When I get home, I'm gonna
come kiss you good night

and I'll see you
tomorrow, okay?

-Mommy, I saw Santa today.
-You did? Well, that's great.

Now, you hurry up
and go wash up.

-Mrs. Burke?
-Yes?

It's none of my
business but,

if you knew you
were gonna be out,

wouldn't it be better for,
the boy to be

with his father instead
of the maid?

You're right, Mr. Smith,
it's none of your business.

-Pat, do you have any aspirin?
-You bet.

Starting the day off
with a smile, huh?

Oh, I don't believe my ex.

She's taking me back to court
over my kid.

She's filed a motion that says,
for, his emotional stability,

it's better that he
should spend

Christmas with his mother.

I don't believe that.

Where's Smith, Gordon?

I want them
to take some of the load off

so, I can find something
that I can nail

the former Mrs. Burke with.

They're in the conference room
with a client.

A client? They're temps.
They don't have clients.

Maybe you ought to tell them.

You'll probably get
them off the hook.

They've got a real dilly
from off the streets in there.

What are you talking about?

Does the phrase "ho, ho, ho"
ring a bell?

I'll tell you, it makes me so,
mad I could spit.

-Morning, Smith. Gordon.
-Mr. Burke.

-And you are?
-Santa Claus.

The Santa Claus?

Kind of awesome, ain't it?

In Bermuda shorts
and a Hawaiian shirt?

This is L.A., kid,
it's 85 degrees out there.

You get a little sticky
in red flannels.

This gentleman was employed
as a department store Santa.

He objected to the use
of Santa Claus

to help promote the sale
of machine guns.

And commando knives and
flamethrowers. Flamethrowers.

They want Father Christmas to
help them hawk flamethrowers.

My golly, it'll be
a frosty day in-

When he objected,
they canned him.

And now he wants us to help
him get his job back, right?

Well, yeah, that's
kind of the idea.

Not the idea.
That's not the idea at all.

I don't need the job,
I've got the job.

I've had it for,
hundreds of years.

They can't take diddly squat
away from me.

But, what they can do
is take Christmas--

The spirit of Christmas
away from the children.

What are you gonna do,
buzz them in your sleigh?

Just a little joke, Santa.

Look, I'm a busy man.
Give my love to the elves,

I'll leave some cookies for,
you by the fireplace.

But, I gotta go prepare a brief
against my ex-wife.

Those guys over at Newman's

are using my likeness
without authorization.

And if that isn't
invasion of privacy,

I don't know reindeer
from bean dip.

Wait a second.
Those guys where?

At Newman's Department Store,
that's where.

Mr. Claus, consider yourself
represented by counsel.

Smith, Gordon,
I want you to drop

everything else you're doing

and I want you to
devote full-time

to the case of Claus v.
Newman's Department Stores Inc.

We'd be happy to, Mr. Burke.

Would you mind telling me
why you changed your mind?

Mrs. Burke.

-Mrs. Burke?
-The lovely ex-Mrs. Burke

who just happens to be
chief corporate counsel

for, Newman's
Department Stores Inc.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Jonathan,

is this guy Santa Claus?

I mean, he isn't
really, is he?

I can't tell.

What do you mean you can't
tell? You're an angel.

I mean, I can't tell.
I'm his lawyer.

He told me who
he is in private.

I can't divulge
that kind of information.

It's like part of lawyer
client privilege.

Oh, that's cute,
Jon, cute.

Let's get it in gear,
what do you say?

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have called
this press conference today

to announce certain
legal actions

that have been filed with the
court on behalf of our client.

My name is Jonathan Smith.

I am here on behalf
of the attorney

of record,
Mr. Paul Burke,

who represents our client,
Santa Claus.

This is a joke, right?

Well, not as far as
we're concerned.

We have this day
requested that

the court issue an
injunctive order

against Newman's
Department Store Inc

demanding that they
cease and desist

from using our client's name
and likeness

in the promotion of products
and values

that are contrary
to the spirit of peace, love

and goodwill toward all,

the very essence of Christmas.

Santa is ready
to take your questions now.

-Hi.
-Is this a publicity stunt?

I don't need any
publicity, son.

I'm pretty well-known as it is,
don't you think?

What do you hope to gain
by all this?

Gain? I don't hope
to gain anything.

Gain isn't my
business, giving is.

The spirit of giving.
And nobody has to gain it.

All you gotta do is give
and you got it.

And let me tell
you something else,

while we're on
the subject.

I think all the moms and dads
out there

ought to take the money that
they'd spend on one big toy

and give that money to charity.

To cure a disease
or, clothe the homeless

or, feed the hungry

or, brighten some less
fortunate child's Christmas.

And I think they ought
to tell their kids

that that's what they're doing

in their names,
out of their love for, them.

Because that way,

you can give your kids the
most precious gift of all...

the gift of giving.

And that's it
from the L.A. Press Club

where the opening salvos
in the courtroom drama

of Claus
v. Newman's Department Store

have just been fired by a man

claiming to be
Saint Nick himself.

And from the
response he's gotten

from some awfully
cynical reporters here,

he might just be Santa at that.
Back to you, Bart.

Who the hell does
he think he is?

Santa Claus, Mr. Newman.

I know who he thinks he is,
Grinchley, you twit.

I'm not talking about him.

I'm talking about your
husband, Mrs. Burke.

Who does that
two-bit shyster

think he is filing
suit against me

on behalf of that overweight
mental incompetent?

He's doing this to get at me,
Mr. Newman.

I know him.
I know how his mind works.

Well, that's where you're
wrong, Mrs. Burke.

He is doing this to me

and I suggest you do it to him
before I do it to you.

With pleasure.
With pleasure.

I would have loved
to have seen her face

when that press conference
came on in their boardroom.

Paul, we're not doing this
to get at your wife.

We're doing this
to do something positive.

Nailing my ex-wife is
the most positive

thing that I can think of.

-Excuse me, are you Mr. Burke?
-That's me.

I have a singing telegram
for, you, sir.

Oh, jingle bells

Your lawsuit smells
I've one more thing to say

This is a restraining order
Stick it in your sleigh

This is for, you, Santa.
Merry Christmas.

Let me see that.

The old wolverine
has fired back.

Well, I'm due in court. We'll
handle that when I get back.

Hang in there, Santa.

We've just begun to fight.

What is that gobbledegook?

Well, it's a John Doe
restraining order.

What it says is,
"Since there is no Santa Claus,

since Santa Claus
is a mythical creation,

you are ordered to
cease and desist

from posing
as said mythic character.

You are ordered to
cease and desist

making any and all statements

concerning
Newman's Department Store

and until a hearing can be held
to make the order permanent,

you are enjoined
from wearing a red suit,

saying, "Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas,"

or, any and all other
phrases normally

associated with the
mythic character

known as Santa Claus."

-Is that legal, Jonathan?
-A judge signed it.

It's legal, at least
until a hearing.

I can't wear the suit?
Can't say, "Ho, ho, ho"?

Can't even wish anybody
a merry Christmas

for, goodness' sake?

What kind of goofball judge
would sign a thing like that?

"Judge Henry T. Clawson."

He's off the list.
I'll tell you right now, boy,

old Hank could stick a mountain
of cookies by the fireplace

and they'll be selling
air conditioners

at the North Pole before--

No, no, no, come on, now.

Losing our temper
isn't gonna help.

You think this is
losing my temper?

I'll show you
what losing my temper is.

-Where are you going?
-To Newman's Department Store.

Look at this beauty,
boys and girls.

How would you like
Santa to bring you

this for, Christmas, Johnny?

He wouldn't.

You're not Santa.
You're a gunrunner.

How dare you.
That is Newman's property.

Well, it's my face
and name

and get your finger
off my chest.

Or, what?

Or, that and that
and that and that.

Arrest that man.

-What happened to you, Spike?
-I got caught.

What's it look like, Pops?

No, no, no, I didn't mean that.
I mean, what happened to you?

You didn't start out a bad boy.
You were a good kid.

Yeah.

How do you know?

I remember.

I remember a long time ago.

You must have been
4 or, 5 years old.

Your dad had ran out on you
and your brothers,

your mother was doing
everything she could

to hold the family together.

And there wasn't any money
that year for, toys.

And you were all sad

because you couldn't
buy a gift for, her.

You loved your mom, Spike.

That was so, long ago.

I hadn't even thought about her
in years.

I mean, she was the only one
who ever, ever loved me.

After she died, I--

How did you know?

You did give her a gift, Spike.

No, there wasn't any money.

Oh, no, no, no, but,
this was something

more important than money,

something money can't buy.

Something they
don't keep in safes.

She was there
crying at the table

and you put your arm
around her and said

"Don't worry, Ma, I love you

and I'm gonna make something
out of myself,

gonna make you proud."

And she put her arm around you
and said, "Theodore,

you already have."

Theodore?

Well, no one's called me that
since--

What would she think
if she saw you today?

It's not too late, my friend.
It's up to you.

This could be the first day
of a whole new life for, you.

Or just another
day in the slammer.

It's up to you.

My main man, the Claus.

-What is it, Clarence?
-Visitation Claus. Your lawyer.

Thanks.

Think it over, Spike.

So, have you got
that cat burglar

thinking you're really Santa?

And, you don't, Clarence?

Hey, Claus, you're
a nice old guy

but, there ain't no Santa.
Trust me, I know.

Sound pretty sure of yourself.

Yeah, I got four
little ones to raise.

How much do you think
a jailer makes?

Not enough.
How do you tell a 5-year-old

he can't have that
shiny train set

he has his heart set on?

That there's just not enough
money to go around?

You think money buys happiness?

Well, if it don't,
it can sure pay

unhappiness
to stay away.

Could be.

Are your children
healthy, Clarence?

Knock wood.

Well, I know a
lot of rich folks

who would give
all they have

and then some
just to trade places with you.

I'll tell you one thing,
my man.

They wouldn't find no takers
with me on that bargain.

I didn't think so, Clarence.

But, it still would be fun
to give my boy a train.

We tried to get a hold of
Mr. Burke, but, he was out.

But, first thing tomorrow
morning, we're gonna see

if we can get in front
of a judge and

get you out on your
own recognizance.

That's okay.

I got a nice bed, a real
friendly fella named Clarence

who takes good care of us.

Got some
pretty decent roommates too.

If I could just get
them to see that.

One day more's no problem.

I don't know how to
tell you this, but, I

don't think they're
gonna let you out.

But, I gotta get out.

Christmas Eve is
only two days off.

We'll do everything we can.

But, unfortunately, and I
think it's partly my fault,

we just let it get out of hand.

This thing has turned
into a vendetta

between Burke
and his ex-wife.

I know.

You don't know how it pains me.

Hey, look, man.

I don't know if
you're Santa Claus

or, if you're not
Santa Claus,

you know,
but, I do know a few things.

And, one of the
things that I know

is that if you really
are Santa,

you got the stuff.

You know, the stuff.

So, why don't you
just use the stuff

and the next thing
you know, it's,

"Up Donner, up Blitzen,"
you know what I mean?

Mark, I can't do that.

Well, sure you can,
if you've got the stuff.

And what kind
of an example

would that set for,
the children?

Santa busts out of jail.

No, my friend, I'm
afraid you're just

going to have to go into court

and prove to a
judge that I'm Santa.

Your Honor, I must
protest counsel's

cheap theatrical
publicity stunt

of arranging for, children
to come down to the precinct

where he puts on some sort-

Your Honor, I didn't
arrange for, anything.

A reporter called for,
an interview with my client.

I simply told the man
where my client was

and I guess he did the rest.

I hardly think it's in the best
interest of the children

counsel purports
to be so, concerned about

to have them troop down
to the city jail.

I'm not the one that put Father
Christmas in the slammer.

He is not Father Christmas
and you know it.

And if you're so,
concerned

about giving war
toys to children,

then how come you gave Matty
that drooling monster,

the one with that mutant
with the saliva

dripping down its fangs?

The mutant with fangs
is your mother.

And the reason I gave Matty
the stuffed Godzilla baby--

Have you two finished?

May I remind you this
is my courtroom

and not a marriage encounter?

We're not married, Your Honor.
We're divorced.

And I can't imagine a couple
better suited for, it than you.

This isn't about your divorce,
this is about two injunctions

and whether or, not your client
can be released

on his own recognizance.

Your Honor, the
man is an itinerant

with no permanent address, no--

The North Pole is not exactly
what you call temporary.

No means of support
and no assets

and he has already
shown himself to be
of a violent nature.

Yes, well, when
I miss my lunch,

I have rather a
violent nature.

So, we'll adjourn for,
an hour and then I'll
hear your witnesses,

though I must warn
you, Mr. Burke,

unless you can produce
something that will change
my mind,

I am rather inclined to
agree with Mrs. Burke.
Court is adjourned.

Excuse me, Mrs. Burke,

I was just wondering if we
all couldn't go sit down
somewhere and talk.

Oh, I don't think there's
anything to talk about.

Maybe there isn't but,
I don't see any reason why
personal problems

get in the way
of professional courtesy.

All right, I think there's
an office down the
hallway we can use.

Mr. Burke, I know I work for,
you and I may be stepping
way out of line,

but, I've gotta tell you,
you two are acting like
a couple of jerks.

-Okay, Smith, that's enough.
-All right, just let him talk.

Why? Just because
I told him to shut up.

If I'd let him talk,
you would've said let him-

Would you listen to yourselves?
That's exactly what I'm
talking about.

You couldn't live together.
Fine. You got a divorce.

Why are you using
everything you can get your
hands on to hurt each other?

You don't have
to hurt each other anymore.

You made your decision,
get on with your lives.

-That's what I'm trying to do.
-That's what I'm trying to do.

No, it isn't. You're still
fighting out your marriage.

You use your child
to hurt each other,

then you use
Santa Claus to hurt each
other. It's ridiculous.

Don't you think it's
time you two grew up for,
everybody's sake?

Including your own.

Maybe he's right.

Yeah, maybe he is.

I mean, this whole
thing has gotten really
absurd, hasn't it?

Well, look who started
the whole thing.

Playing Look Who Started It
is not gonna end it.

And we can end it.
Right here, the two of us.

Yeah, you're right.
It's really simple.

Yes. Yes, it really is,
very simple.

I mean, we're scuffling and
hassling, and the solution

is right here
in the palms of our hands.

What do you say, counselor?

You're a bigger man than
I gave you credit for, Paul.

I'll tell Mr. Newman that
you're dropping the injunction.

-Right after you drop yours.
-Me?

Yeah, that's why he's in jail.

He's in jail
because he brought it
on himself.

No, no, I take that back.
That poor, old man was
just a pawn.

You brought this on.

Now you drop yours
and we'll drop ours.

I'll drop mine after
you drop yours.

If you don't drop yours,
I won't drop mine.

How do I know that if I drop,
you'll drop?

Drop yours and find out.

-Drop yours.
-You drop yours.

-I'm not dropping mine.
-Well, then I'm not dropping.

-Fine.
-Fine?

Fine.

Fine. I'll see you in
court, counselor.

Right. The gloves
are off, baby. This is war.

[chanting]
Free Santa, free Santa,
free Santa!

Free Santa, free Santa,
free Santa!

Free Santa, free Santa,
free Santa!

Free Santa, free Santa!
Free Santa, free Santa!

Hey, mister,
would you like to contribute

to the Free Santa
Bail Fund, sir?

Well, my fine little fellow,

Santa's right in there
in our Toy Department.

You can go right in
and see for, yourself.

Oh, no, sir, Santa's in jail.

This mean guy
named Newman put him in there.

And that's just
where he'll stay.

Free Santa,
free Santa!

You hear that, Burke?

I'll show you what it means
to mess with the biggest
week of retail sales

in the fiscal year.
You want war, bucko?
You got war.

Free Santa, free Santa,
free Santa!

Free Santa!

This court is now ready
to hear whatever witnesses
you choose to call.

But, I must warn you,
Mr. Burke,

that this court will
not be swayed
by sentiment.

And Christmas Eve
or, no Christmas Eve,

if this man is Santa Claus,
you're gonna have to
prove it to me.

Your Honor, I find myself
in the rather absurd position

of having to disprove a myth.

Now, Mr. Burke and
Mr. Smith may call various
members of the clergy

or, what have you

in their attempt to verify
their claim of the reality
of this myth.

I, however, have turned to the
world of empirical evidence

in calling to the stand
the foremost psychiatrist
in the state,

Dr. Carl Erhardt.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth

and nothing but the truth
in the matter now pending
before this court? So help you.

I do.

-Please state your name.
-Carl Erhardt.

And are you a doctor?

I am a psychiatrist.
M.D., M.A., Ph.D.

Do you believe in Santa Claus,
doctor?

No, I don't.

And has it been your
experience
as a psychiatrist

that adults believe
in Santa Claus?

As a rule, no.

And if an adult believed
he was Santa Claus,

what would your diagnosis be?

Well, if he really believed
he was Santa Claus,

delusions of grandeur,
schizophrenia--

Thank you.
No further questions.

Let me ask you, when
you were a little boy, did
you believe in Santa Claus?

Yes, I suppose I did.

-Were you mentally
ill at the time?
-No, I was a child.

And also,
I didn't believe I was
Santa Claus.

There is a difference.

But, children do
believe in Santa Claus,
do they not?

On the whole, yes.

Is there anything
wrong with that?

No,
it's a perfectly
harmless fantasy.

And might it not even
be a positive one
with positive values?

Yes, I suppose so.

-Do you have any children?
-Yes, and grandchildren.

Congratulations.
Do your grandchildren
believe in Santa Claus?

Oh, yes.

Well, why haven't
you told them there
isn't a Santa?

Well, because--

Because they're children.

-And to them, Santa is real.
-Yes.

As real as you or, I?

Yes.

I will say this.

There is a reality
to Santa Claus.

It exists in the
minds of children.

Thank you very much, doctor.
And merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas
to you too, sir.

-Your name is Clarence Edward?
-That's right.

You are employed
as a jailer
in the precinct

-where my client is being held.
-Correct.

As part of your duties,
you identify the prisoners

-and fill a report on each one.
-That's right.

Is this the report that
you filled out on the
prisoner in question?

Yeah, that's it.

Would you read the names under
which the prisoner was booked?

"Claus, Santa, alias Kringle,
Kris, alias Christmas, Father,

alias Nicholas, Saint,
alias Nicholas,
Jolly Old Saint--"

That will be enough aliases.

Did you fingerprint
the prisoner
and run those prints?

Yes, I did.

Did those prints show
the prisoner to have any
other identity

-but, that which he gave?
-He came up clean as a whistle.

No arrest, no priors,
no driver's license,

no social security card,
nothing.

So, as far as you're concerned,

the name of the
man that you have
in your cell is...

Santa Claus.

That'll be sufficient.
No further questions.

Have you never had
another prisoner

who did not show
any means of identification,

whose prints didn't
show up anywhere,
who had no arrests,

no priors,
no driver's license,
et cetera?

Yeah, we get guys like that.

But, not ones
who call themselves
Santa Claus.

And when you get someone
who has no driver's license,

no place of employment,
no social security card

or, any other means
of identification,

what, in your
professional nomenclature,
do you call them?

A bum.

Any further witnesses to call,
Mr. Burke?

-No, Your Honor.
-Yes, Your Honor.

-Well, which is it? Yes or, no?
-I have two more witnesses.

They'd better be
good, Mr. Smith.

Your Honor,
we would like to call
an expert witness

to testify as to the reality
of Santa Claus.

Oh, this I gotta see.

And you will.

Mrs. Burke called
her own expert
witness who testified,

and I quote...

"There is a reality to
Santa Claus. It exists in the
minds of children,"

end quote.

We therefore would like to call
our own expert witness.

We call Matthew Burke.

Call Matthew Burke.

Your Honor, I protest.
That's my son and I don't
give my permission.

Your Honor, I have
custody this week
and I give mine.

Swear in the witness.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth

and nothing but,
the truth in the matter now
pending before this court?

-Sure.
-Okay.

-Well, Matty, are you a child?
-Yes, sir.

I see.
And how long have
you been a child?

Seven years.

That seems like
enough experience to me.

-Matty, is there a Santa Claus?
-Um hmm.

And how do you know?

Because, Mama told me.

Do you see Santa Claus anywhere
in this courtroom?

Yeah, he's right there.
Hi, Santa.

Your Honor, let the record
show that the witness has
indicated our client.

That was very good, Matty,
thank you.

Your witness, counselor.

Hi, Matty.

Hi, Mom.

Uh... No questions, Your Honor.

-Son, you may step down.
-Thank you, sir.

-We call Santa Claus.
-Santa Claus.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth

and nothing but,
the truth in the matter now
pending before this court?

So, help me God.

-How you doing, Santa?
-Hi, Jonathan.

Santa, aside from
one other person
in this courtroom,

you know more about me
than anybody else in this
world, don't you?

Yes, Jonathan,
I suppose I do.

You know I've been working
on another case,

another assignment,
as it were, that hasn't
been going too well.

I know, kid, I know.

So, I'm gonna ask
you to help me, Santa,
with my assignment

and maybe, just maybe,
it might solve all our
problems.

I'll do anything I can,
you know that.

Santa, what did Matty Burke
tell you he wanted for,
Christmas?

Oh, Jonathan,
I can't tell you that.

That's between the boy and me.
That's privileged information.

Matty?

It's okay, Santa. Go ahead.

Santa, what did
Matty tell you
he wanted

more than anything else
in this world?

Well, he wanted his mom and dad
to stop fighting over him.

He wanted them to
stop using him
to hurt each other

and to stop trying
to make him
take sides.

The boy loves you both.

And he's living proof
that once you loved each other.

You are bound by the
love your child has for,
both of you.

And yet you can't do
the best for, your son
if you're enemies.

Now, you may not be
married anymore
but, you're still his parents.

And you can't do
the best for, him
if you're not friends.

Because with all
your differences,

you still have the most
important thing
in the world in common:

You both love him.

Neither of you has to win
and neither of you has to lose.

All you gotta do is
love your son
and work together,

even if you're apart,
to raise him.

You know what I mean?

Your Honor--

Mr. Newman, please be seated
and refrain from interrupting.

But, I can save the court
a lot of time. Let him go.

If he isn't Santa,
he ought to be.

You wish to drop
the injunction?

You bet I do.

Well, boys and girls,

looks like we're never gonna
find out whether I think he's
Santa or, not.

It's Christmas Eve.
Let's get out of here.
Case dismissed.

[applauding]

Come on, son,
we got a tree to decorate.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, Matty.
See you Monday.

Maybe just this once
we could be friends
and spend it together.

What do you say?

You're on.

I got a client to
say goodbye to.

Where'd he go?

Where's Santa?
Mr. Burke,
you gotta be kidding.

It's Christmas Eve.

Hey, Clarence, you need a lift?

I guess.

If it's not one thing,
it's another.

I'd sure appreciate it
if it's not out of your way.

No problem at all.

Your kids waiting for
you, Clarence?

No, they're over
at their grandmother's.

I thought I'd be late tonight.
I'll pick them up in
the morning.

That old fool's
really something,
isn't he?

That he is.

Kind of makes me wish
I was a kid again

so, I really could believe.

You know what I mean?

Believe me,
I know exactly what you mean.

-Thanks a lot for, the lift.
-It was our pleasure.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Oh, Clarence.

Remember, there'll always be
a Santa Claus

because they'll
always be a little kid
in all of us.

You have a merry Christmas.

Yeah.
Merry Christmas.

[door shuts]

["Joy to the World"
instrumental playing]

[theme music playing]