All language subtitles for The College Years s01e16 Bedside Manner.eng

[theme music]

- Hey.
- Oh, Zack,

I've come up with the perfect way
for you to get Kelly back -- a poem!

- Uh, Screech, I don't think--
- Kelly, you're the girl for me.

Your lips are as red
as cranberry.

Your hair is brown and
your teeth are white.

Your feet smell like
a summer's night.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you over the sound of
Robert Frost screaming in his grave.

Fine.
Fine then.

I just won't read you the part
about her nose hair.

Listen, Screech,
thanks for trying,

but I've already come
up with a perfect stunt

to get Kelly's mind off of
Professor Lasky and back onto me.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Come in.

Hey.

Hey, Zack.
What's going on?

Uh, nothing yet.

Oh, wow.

Want to see something special?

Oh, that's not special.

That's Pops, the security guard.

He's always got his binoculars
on our window.

No, not him.

That.

I heart Kelly?

I believe that heart stands
for love, Kelly.

Haven't you ever played
Concentration?

I love Kelly.
How sweet!

Do you realize what this means?

Yup. It means someone
is trying to show you

how much he loves you.

And I'm going to show that
someone how much I love him.

Well, you just go
ahead, show away.

Where you going?

Well, to see Professor Lasky.

I mean, he obviously
changed his mind about us

and came up with that
adorable way of telling me.

Kelly, did I mention you're
the girl for me?

Your lips are as red
as cranberry.

What am I doing?

? I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ?

? and it's all up to
me how far I go ?

? I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ?

? I've never seen
such a view before, ?

? a new world before my eyes ?

? So much for me to explore ?

? It's where my future lies ?

? Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ?

? From here, the future
looks bright for me ?

? And it's all up to
me how far I go ?

? It's my time to break away ?

? I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ?

Alex, you'll never guess the
wonderful thing Jeremiah did.

Kelly, Jeremiah didn't do it.

I did.

You?

Zack, why would you do
something so ridiculous?

Ridiculous?

When you thought it was Lasky,
you said it was adorable.

Well, that's different!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out.

Now, you both need to calm down
and take a deep breath.

And fill me in so I
can take a side.

All right.

Well, I wanted to show
Kelly how I feel about her,

so I hired a plane with a
banner that said, "I love Kelly."

Cost 400 bucks.

400 bucks?

Man, that's a lot of feeling.

Are you nuts?

He's not nuts.
He's just romantic.

Take a hint!

Zack, look.
It was a really nice gesture,

but I wish you wouldn't
waste your money on me.

I wish for once you'd waste
your money on me.

Hey, I took you to the Sizzler.

Yeah, great.

We had to dress up
like the Golden Girls

so we could get the
senior citizen discount.

Well, that didn't stop you
from eating 300 shrimp, did it?

[giggles]

Look, I can't talk
about this now.

I've got to get to the
health center.

Yeah, and I've got to get
to wrestling practice.

How come all you do
lately is work?

How come all you do
lately is wrestle?

It takes my mind
off of Jeremiah.

Uh, mine too.

Professor Lasky.

I hope you're not drinking
and driving.

You mean all this milk?

No. It's just ever
since that-- that, uh,

thing with Kelly, my
ulcer's been acting up.

I'm so sorry.

I wish there was something
I could do.

Listen, can I come by your
office around 3:00?

No!

No females are allowed
in my office.

Well, it's nothing personal.

I just wanted to discuss
the reading assignment.

[sigh]
I'm sorry.

I'm overreacting.

Of course we can meet.

So I'll be at your
office at 3:00?

No. I'll see you
on the football field.

Just you, me, and the
marching band.

See that?
That's a sigma alpha tattoo.

All the pledges are
getting them.

Really?

Well, I'd like to get one, Bill,

but I've got such
delicate skin.

I have to moisturize twice
a day, you know.

There's a picture.

Look, Screech.

I-- if you don't get
one of those tattoos,

all the guys at the frat are
going to think that you're a wimp.

And if I get one, they'll
think I'm cool?

Well, no.

Will they at least stop hanging
me out the window by my ankles?

Sure.

Except, of course, at parties.

Well, of course at parties.

Alex! Alex.

You'll never believe this,

but that guy is trying to talk
Screech into getting a tattoo.

Tattoos!

That's what we'll do.

What's what we'll do?

I'll get a Slater tattoo on me, and
you can get an Alex tattoo on you.

Oh.

But tattoos are so permanent.

And we're not?

No.

Alex, look.
I'm committed to you,

and I know nothing says love
like a hideous, disfiguring mark,

but what do you say we
get ID bracelets instead?

Great idea, Slater.

And after that, we
can go to the malt shop

and split a sundae with
Potsie and Ralph Malph.

Kelly, I'd like you
to have these.

Zack, these belong to
the patient in 214.

Eh, the guy's in a coma.

Like he can smell them.

Why did you take this
job, anyway?

Well, because I'm devoted to
helping the sick and injured.

Well, good.

Then take this bedpan to
Mrs. Johnson in 201.

Right away, ma'am.

Well, Mrs. Johnson better not
drink too much coffee.

Orderly, would you let the staff
know I'm here for my flu shot?

Oh, Dean McMann.

Oh, Mr. Morris.

What are you doing here?

- I work here.
- Oh, really?

What's your angle?

Is there some poor girl in a body
cast you're trying to take advantage of?

Excuse me, ma'am, but I care
deeply for the patients here.

Oh.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Orderly, I need some help!

Eh, keep your gown on.
I'll be there in a minute.

Nurse Gruen, would you mind
giving Dean McMann here her flu shot?

Uh, in fact, give her two.

Come with me.

You're going to give me my shot?

Have you ever done this before?

Once.

Zack, you know, I'm really touched
that you're working at a place

that you hate just
to be close to me.

Well, I'm touched that
you're touched.

And since we're both so touched,

maybe we should both
be touching.

Zack, you never change.

Why? Do you want
me to be different?

No, I didn't say that.

Look, my shift ends
at 8 o'clock.

And then maybe we could--

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Stand back! I've got a sick man here.

- What?
- Oh, Jeremiah!

Well, forget him!
You were saying--

- Jeremiah, I'm here. What's wrong?
- It's my ulcer.

I've had a lot of aggravation
lately.

Because of me?

Oh, no, no, no.

There's hundreds of factors
that led up to--

well, yeah.
Mostly you.

Oh. [laughs] Oh!

Uh, well, what are
your symptoms?

Nausea, intense stomach
cramps, blinding pain.

That's all?

Can you believe this?

Some guys have all the luck.

Oh, is Jeremiah--

I mean, uh, Professor
Lasky all right?

He's doing better.

He just has a bad case
of gastroenteritis.

He'll live.

So Kelly, you were saying that you
get off at 8:00, and then you and I can--

Is that condition
stress related?

Yes.

Which is why it's important you
keep Professor Lasky calm.

No excitement whatsoever, and
he needs plenty of water.

Lots of water.
Got it.

Uh, Kelly.

Maybe I'd better take
the water to Lasky.

Remember, he can't have
any excitement.

I'm not going to excite him.

Oh, Kelly.

When you walked past the morgue,

four stiffs sat up and
splashed on Old Spice.

Trust me.
You are going to excite him.

Zack, when I put
on this uniform,

Kelly Kapowski the woman
changes into Kelly Kapowski

the trained professional
health care worker.

Besides, I'm head orderly.

- Aah!
- Oh! Oh!

I've got some water for you.

Ice water. Yes.
Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's get
you out of that wet gown.

Y-you know, that sounds like
a job for a male orderly.

Hello!

One male orderly at
your service.

Oh, don't be silly.
I'm a professional.

I do this sort of thing
all the time.

- Well, you're not doing it this time.
- Zack, don't you--

INTERCOM: I need an orderly
at the front desk, stat.

Zack, you have to
answer that page.

- Ha! Why can't you?
- Because I'm head orderly.

Now go.

(MOCKINGLY) Because
I'm head orderly.

No wonder we need
health care reform.

Ah, what is it?

You have an impeccable
bedside manner.

Who trained you,
Dr. Kevorkian?

Uh, Dean McMann is having a
bad reaction to the flu shot.

Take her to the lab for a
complete blood work up.

[groaning]

Well, looking kind
of green, Dean.

Just shut up and push.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN) (GIGGLING):
Jeremiah, that gown is

supposed to be tied in the back.

Uh, excuse me, Dean.

We have a severe case of
overexposure in there.

Don't forget to make a hard
right at the water fountain!

MCMANN (OFFSCREEN) (SCREAMING):
Mr. Morris!

[crashing sounds]

Ooh.

Ow.

Ow, these tattoos really hurt!

Screech, I'm using
a felt tipped pen.

I know, but you're
pressing so hard.

There.
All done.

Wow, that looks real.

And I look cool.

Super cool!

Thanks, babe.

Hey, guys.

Notice anything a little
different about me?

A tattoo?

Whoa!
Was it painful?

Hey, it was even worse than
that time I got my head caught

between the steering
wheel and the club.

But a real man like
me can take it.

What he's saying is
a real man isn't afraid

to show that he's
committed to something,

unlike somebody else I know.

Professor Lasky has
a mild fever.

See to it he gets a sponge bath.

- Right away, doctor.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. A sponge bath?

Ha ha!

This Dr. Wong does not know
what she's talking about.

I mean, Dr. Lasky could
get a chill, get pneumonia,

and then go into shock.

And before you know it, you've got
another sponge bath related fatality.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Whew.

- Zack, you're nuts.
- Hey, hey, hey.

My uncle Harry died from that.

Now, you want that on
your conscience?

Zack, your uncle Harry
is in jail in Texas.

Right. Right.

Where he's getting sponge
bathed against his will.

[buzzer]

That's the dean. You'd
better go see what she wants.

[buzzer]

(GROANING) Hold your horses,
you old battle--

(CHEERFUL) afternoon, Dean!

Gerald, I don't care how
kicky the students think it is.

We are going to have a female
homecoming queen.

I have been waiting for hours
for fresh bed linen.

Ah, yes.
Fresh bed linen.

Right.

Gerald, I don't care how
cute he is in a dress.

I want a female!

Here you go.

And don't forget, hospital
corners.

Oh, whoa.
I'll take over for you, Kell.

[buzzer]

That non-stop buzz.

Must be Dean McMann again.

[buzzer]

I didn't hear anything.

MCMANN (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Morris,
get your incompetent behind in here!

And she wonders why she
hasn't gotten any get well cards.

Oh, what I'd-- [grunt]

[deep breath]

What is it now, Dean?

Bed linen.

I want it changed.

By you.

Listen, please. Can't
you just wait five minutes?

I have an emergency
in the next room.

Well, far be it from me to
keep you from brain surgery,

but I've got wrinkles
everywhere.

I am an orderly, not
a plastic surgeon!

I'm talking about the sheets!

I can't stand wrinkled sheets!

Change them, now!

OK, OK!

- Whoa!
- Whoops.

Dean McMann, are you all right?

No! This, this
miscreant tried to kill me!

I did not!

Oh, uh, Dean McMann, I--
I'm sure it was just an accident.

I don't care if it
was an accident.

I want him fired now.

Please.
You can't fire me.

Isn't that right, Dr. Wong?

No, she can't.
But I can.

I'm sorry, Zack.

You're really not cut out
for this sort of work.

Oh no, no, wait.

Aren't I entitled to
a second opinion?

Yes. You're incompetent
and annoying. Get out.

I'll take care of Dean McMann.

Kelly, you go finish Professor
Lasky's sponge bath.

Right.

What is it with
this sponge bath?

Why don't you just take him to a
car wash and wheel him through?

Hey, you know what?

I'll even spring for
the carnauba wax.

Leslie, Leslie.

My tattoo needs another
touch-up, fast.

Screech, this is the
fourth time today.

Hey, can I help it if I sweat
like a Bekins moving man?

Hey, Screech, you
want to go see--

oh, what's what stuff
on your arm?

Nothing. I'm just
having a bad tattoo day.

Hey, look.
It's coming off.

This isn't a real tattoo.

It's drawn on. You
guys believe it?

Check it out.
What a geek!

Hey.

If you ask me, Screech is the
only smart guy on the lot.

Yeah, right!

Yeah, what's that supposed
to mean, Mike?

Follow me.
I'll show you.

Yeah, right!

Um, Leslie, we're going
to the men's room.

Yeah, right!

Maybe I'll just wait out here.

[laughs]

Alex!
Alex, hold on a second.

I got a little surprise for you.

Check this out.

I got your name tattooed
on my ankle.

Huh?

That is my name.

Gee.
Could you get it any smaller?

Who did it?
A Keebler elf?

Well, I don't see your tattoo.

Well, I'm going to go get one.

In big bold letters and
where people can see it,

because I am proud of my man.

Well, what happened?

Well, I showed these guys a
tattoo I got when I was in college.

Mike has Big Bird on his butt!

It's not Big Bird.

It's Tweety Bird.

Trust me, Mike.
That's a big bird.

OK, so I put on a little
weight since my college days.

Anyway, I just hope you guys
learned something.

I, I think what Mike is
just trying to say is that

what seems cool now might not
seem so cool 10 years from now.

Well, that and if
you do get a tattoo,

lay off the Mrs.
Fields cookies.

- Hey, Slater.
- Hey, what's up, man?

Aren't you supposed to
be working right now?

Yeah.

Yeah, but thanks to Dean McMann,

I don't have a job anymore.

She told the doctors I
tried to kill her.

Do you believe it?

I don't know.
Did you?

Technically, yes.

Now that I'm banned
from the health center,

I can't keep an eye on
Lasky and Kelly anymore.

You know, it's just too bad
you're so darn healthy.

Yeah.
Too bad.

Dr. Wong, I'm ready
to check out.

[groan]

Mr. Morris, you are not
supposed to be here.

You're like the
neighborhood cat --

can't get rid of you.

Zack isn't feeling well.

What symptoms are you
experiencing?

Oh, well, I've got headaches,
loss of memory.

I've been fainting, and I've
got a loss of memory.

There's nothing wrong
with him that a few years

in a maximum security
prison wouldn't fix.

Pretty boy.

Dean McMann, Zack's symptoms
could be something serious.

- Orderly?
- Yes?

Screech, you're working here?

Well, it wasn't my first choice,
but McDonald's turned me down.

Take Zack to the lab, and we'll
start a complete physical work up.

Wait a minute.
What do you mean by complete?

I don't want you guys touching
anything that doesn't have a tan.

Zack, I know these tests
are unpleasant.

But with your symptoms, we
can't take any chances.

[sigh]

Screech, why don't you just
hide me in the linen closet?

I can't do that, Zack.
I need this job.

Besides, I burned my bridges
at McDonald's.

They won't even let
me eat there.

Oh, can I fluff your pillow?

No, no, that's OK.
My pillow's all fluffed out.

How about some magazines?

Kelly, can we just talk?

I really appreciate all the little
things you've been doing for me.

Slipping me extra
Jello, reading to me,

wiring the TV for
surround sound.

I'm just doing my job.

But you really shouldn't
be this nice to me

after the way
I treated you.

You ought to be angry with me.

And it would be good for you
to express that anger.

Jeremiah, don't be silly.

I could never be angry with you.

- [groan]
- Zack!

Are you all right?

No, I feel like I've
been tortured.

You know, if these
doctors were the Germans,

I would've
told them when D-Day was.

Oh, well I'll let you rest a little
before we start the next series of tests.

More tests?

There's no place left
for them to look.

Oh yes there is.

Please, don't let them
give me anymore tests.

Well, Zack, you need them if
you're not feeling well.

I'm feeling fine.

I just said I was sick to
keep an eye on you.

Well, that's terrible.

I know, Kelly.
I made a mistake.

But I only did it
because of you.

Time for your barium!

No more!
You stay away from me!

- Oh.
- But it's cherry flavored!

How could someone be so stupid?

Oh, Kelly, don't be
so hard on him.

I wasn't talking about Zack.

I was talking about me.

What?

I'm so stupid to have fallen
in love with you.

OK, OK, OK.

Why do you feel this way?

Why do I feel this way?

Isn't it obvious?

I mean, Zack is willing to go
through anything for me, and you--

well, we both know what you're
willing to do for me -- nothing!

Good, good.
Kelly, go with your feelings.

I'll give you feelings.

I'm tired of hoping you see
how wonderful I am.

I'm tired of being nice.

And I'm tired of you!

Hey!
How'd it go?

Fine.
Just fine.

Well, can I see the tattoo?

Why? You know what
your name looks like.

Oh Alex, come on.

Where is it? Where is it, huh?

All right, all right.
I wanted to get a tattoo.

I really did.

But when I got
to the tattoo place,

there were all these needles.

And the tattoo guy's
name was Rusty.

And I don't know.
Rusty, needles.

I just had to get out of there.

You're not mad, are you?

Of course I'm mad.

I got this dumb, idiotic
tattoo for you.

I'm really sorry.
I'll make it up to you.

What do you want me to do?

I'll tell you what
I want you to do.

You're going to come with me

to the Sylvester Stallone Film
Festival this weekend.

We're going to see every
movie he's ever made.

Even "Rocky?"

Yup. One through five.

I'll go get the tattoo!

[knock on door]

Yeah?

Hey, you feeling any better?

No.

Well, you went
through a lot today.

Yeah.
And a lot went through me.

Ha.

Look, I just wanted
to let you know that

I'm finally over
Jeremiah, thanks to you.

So does that mean there's
a chance for us?

Maybe.

Why don't we take
things a step at a time,

starting with dinner?

Oh, I'd love to go to dinner.

Tomorrow night.

The cherry flavored barium
really filled me up.

[laughs]

I must admit, I've never had a
man swallow radioactive fluid for me.

Let me fluff your pillows.

Oh, you know, you better
check my pulse, too.

It's really racing.

You're telling me.

You know, Zack,

I'm really touched that
you're working at a place

that you hate just
to be close to me.

Well, I'm touched that
you're touched.

And since we're both so touched,
maybe we should both be, uh--

[starts laughing]

Do you know what I-- [laughter]

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