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1
00:01:09,256 --> 00:01:10,659
Okay, big guy, you and me.
2
00:01:11,851 --> 00:01:14,464
We've never done this before but...
3
00:01:14,834 --> 00:01:17,092
desperate times
call for desperate mesures.
4
00:01:17,524 --> 00:01:20,162
- My name is Hank.
- Hello, Hank.
5
00:01:21,904 --> 00:01:24,962
I'm sorry, sister,
I was just trying to have a little
6
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:26,942
chat with your husband up there.
7
00:01:27,096 --> 00:01:28,346
Can I help you?
8
00:01:28,466 --> 00:01:31,557
No, I wouldn't want
to bother a real life person about it.
9
00:01:31,677 --> 00:01:34,494
It wouldn't be a bother, Hank.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
10
00:01:37,411 --> 00:01:38,791
Here is the thing.
11
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I'm having
what you might call a crisis of faith.
12
00:01:42,184 --> 00:01:44,165
I mean, to put it simply, I can't write.
13
00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:47,578
Which really kind of sucks
because I'm supposed to be a writer.
14
00:01:47,812 --> 00:01:49,709
And a professional one at that.
15
00:01:49,925 --> 00:01:53,719
And I can't seem to be able to produce
so much as a goddamn predicate.
16
00:01:54,194 --> 00:01:57,490
Sorry, you know,
my apologies, I fucked up...
17
00:01:58,206 --> 00:02:00,760
again... I apologize.
18
00:02:01,883 --> 00:02:03,860
Well, normally, I would suggest
19
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:06,963
a bunch of Our fathers
or a couple Hail Maries...
20
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,800
but I don't think
that's gonna get it done.
21
00:02:11,545 --> 00:02:13,029
What about a blow job?
22
00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:18,681
A blow job,
would that make you feel any better?
23
00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:20,463
A blow job from you?
24
00:02:21,624 --> 00:02:23,815
Something tells me
it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.
25
00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:25,727
No, but...
26
00:02:26,318 --> 00:02:27,595
But you're a nun.
27
00:02:29,473 --> 00:02:31,817
A totally fucking hot nun.
28
00:02:43,148 --> 00:02:45,054
Sweet baby Jesus...
29
00:02:45,458 --> 00:02:47,157
Hank is going to hell.
30
00:02:53,254 --> 00:02:54,286
Bad dream?
31
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,200
Yeah...
32
00:02:57,646 --> 00:02:58,740
No...
33
00:02:59,234 --> 00:03:00,998
It's hard to say, really.
34
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,959
You drifted off and I thought to myself
35
00:03:04,406 --> 00:03:07,224
So, what's the nicest possible
I can wake up mister Hank here.
36
00:03:07,346 --> 00:03:09,168
Kudos to you because you...
37
00:03:09,364 --> 00:03:11,943
you definitely stumbled
upon one of the nicer ways.
38
00:03:12,063 --> 00:03:13,677
You're nice to me, I'm nice to you.
39
00:03:13,797 --> 00:03:16,300
Yes, it's very quid pro quo...
40
00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:18,676
- What does that mean?
- Never mind.
41
00:03:19,244 --> 00:03:22,780
My husband,
he's never given me an orgasm.
42
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,033
Never?
43
00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:27,150
- Ever.
- Does he , you know, go downtown?
44
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:28,970
- Toward the south land?
- Never.
45
00:03:29,102 --> 00:03:32,397
- Going to the hood?
- Well, it's not true, yes, he has.
46
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,764
But he made me take a shower first.
47
00:03:35,394 --> 00:03:38,399
Then, he's spent 45 minutes
trying to find my clit.
48
00:03:39,269 --> 00:03:40,441
How did he do?
49
00:03:40,591 --> 00:03:42,526
I'm pretty sure
he thinks it's in the bottom.
50
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,291
Near the vaginas?
51
00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:48,220
That's weird.
52
00:03:50,537 --> 00:03:51,843
I can take a hint.
53
00:03:51,964 --> 00:03:54,012
I just so happen
to have my GPS with me.
54
00:03:54,182 --> 00:03:55,927
I've stored it up my ass, yes.
55
00:03:57,841 --> 00:03:59,128
Hello?
56
00:03:59,766 --> 00:04:01,537
Yours is on the bottom.
57
00:04:01,657 --> 00:04:03,738
I think I have found something.
58
00:04:06,709 --> 00:04:08,307
What the fuck is that?
59
00:04:08,495 --> 00:04:10,391
- It would be my husband.
- Okay.
60
00:04:10,523 --> 00:04:13,001
Maybe I should hide under your clit,
he'd never find me there.
61
00:04:13,124 --> 00:04:15,677
- Heather, whose piece of shit is that?
- I think I should go.
62
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,626
All I need to do is to find my pants.
No pants anywhere?
63
00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,817
- What the fuck?
- It's not what you think.
64
00:04:25,939 --> 00:04:27,694
- Whose pants are these?
- Those are yours!
65
00:04:27,816 --> 00:04:28,966
Where is he?
66
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,526
Motherfucker!
67
00:04:36,685 --> 00:04:38,216
Yeah, you!
68
00:04:39,337 --> 00:04:40,963
You gotta be kidding me!
69
00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:43,385
What are you,
like 60 years or something, bro'!
70
00:04:43,505 --> 00:04:45,743
Yo, KFed,
the little man in the boat?
71
00:04:45,904 --> 00:04:48,502
He's up here, that's where he is!
72
00:04:48,838 --> 00:04:50,215
- Right here!
- Just let him go!
73
00:04:50,335 --> 00:04:52,791
- Are you kidding me?
- You guys work it out.
74
00:04:52,923 --> 00:04:54,735
You're dead!
75
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:57,862
Motherfucker!
76
00:05:10,070 --> 00:05:15,056
CALIFORNICATION 1x01
77
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,294
Ladies, daddy's trying out a new look.
78
00:05:40,853 --> 00:05:42,164
What do you think?
79
00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:43,736
- Dad?
- Yes.
80
00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:45,641
Are you mentally insane?
81
00:05:45,961 --> 00:05:48,712
Yes, but I'm extremly high functioning.
82
00:05:48,991 --> 00:05:52,097
Much like a special needs person
that works at McDonald's.
83
00:05:52,217 --> 00:05:55,418
Exactly. I'm late, I'm sorry and...
84
00:05:55,719 --> 00:05:59,104
I'm not wearing any pants but
I would like to invite you two ladies
85
00:05:59,224 --> 00:06:01,702
to join me, to take you pants off,
86
00:06:01,822 --> 00:06:04,523
and come with me
to the pants off restaurant.
87
00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:08,511
It sounds tempting
but I got plans, okay?
88
00:06:08,866 --> 00:06:10,810
- It must be date night.
- Yeah.
89
00:06:11,007 --> 00:06:12,608
Come on, mom.
90
00:06:12,728 --> 00:06:15,232
Peanut, I can't but, you know,
91
00:06:16,742 --> 00:06:18,620
enjoy your daddy time.
92
00:06:18,883 --> 00:06:22,142
- Where is my kiss?
- You're really a classy guy, Hank.
93
00:06:22,262 --> 00:06:24,704
That's funny coming from you at all.
94
00:06:26,248 --> 00:06:28,633
So, who won that round?
95
00:06:28,783 --> 00:06:32,013
It's not wether you win or you lose,
it's how you play the game.
96
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,745
Looks like a fun game.
97
00:06:35,149 --> 00:06:36,853
You think I made her laugh?
98
00:06:36,973 --> 00:06:38,246
Sure.
99
00:06:38,425 --> 00:06:39,786
A little.
100
00:06:39,965 --> 00:06:41,354
On the inside.
101
00:06:43,364 --> 00:06:45,796
- Yellow submarine?
- Pirates.
102
00:06:46,181 --> 00:06:47,451
Again?
103
00:06:47,813 --> 00:06:50,827
- Johnny Depp is hot!
- I concur but
104
00:06:50,986 --> 00:06:54,254
wouldn't you rather
expand your cinematic horizons and
105
00:06:54,845 --> 00:06:58,380
pick a film that's based on a piece of
litterature and not a theme park ride?
106
00:06:58,639 --> 00:07:00,708
Pirates it is.
Why don't you try my room?
107
00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:03,038
Depp...
108
00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:12,899
I don't think I have any sushi takeout,
I got the house of Chow.
109
00:07:13,019 --> 00:07:14,822
- which is chinese.
- Father?
110
00:07:15,349 --> 00:07:17,537
- Daughter?
- Can I ask you something?
111
00:07:17,657 --> 00:07:19,081
Yeah, anything, my love.
112
00:07:19,201 --> 00:07:21,581
Why is there a naked lady
in your bedroom?
113
00:07:26,172 --> 00:07:27,660
You wait...
114
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,595
right there, okay?
115
00:07:29,872 --> 00:07:31,839
There's no hair on her vagina.
116
00:07:31,977 --> 00:07:33,639
Do you think she's okay?
117
00:07:35,775 --> 00:07:37,165
I'll check.
118
00:07:41,354 --> 00:07:43,013
What are you doing?
119
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:46,088
- Hi, I thought I'd surprise you.
- You surprised my daughter.
120
00:07:46,208 --> 00:07:49,204
I'm so sorry, I mean, really
I should have call but I'm inside.
121
00:07:50,491 --> 00:07:52,237
You know what? I'm sorry.
122
00:07:52,361 --> 00:07:53,844
- Really?
- You know what, yes.
123
00:07:55,206 --> 00:07:57,985
Maybe we should think about
cooling things off a little bit.
124
00:07:58,595 --> 00:08:00,601
- Excuse me?
- Or not.
125
00:08:00,721 --> 00:08:02,027
Either way, I'm easy.
126
00:08:02,824 --> 00:08:04,610
God, you're amazing, Hank.
127
00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:07,651
I mean you spent all this time
sweet talking me into the sack but
128
00:08:07,857 --> 00:08:11,688
now you've exacted your revenge,
you're done with me, right?
129
00:08:11,979 --> 00:08:13,820
Revenge?
What are you talking about revenge?
130
00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:16,542
Please, do not make it like
131
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:19,669
it wasn't in the least that satisfying
to fuck the wife of the man who turned
132
00:08:19,789 --> 00:08:22,621
your precious little book
into your big shitty movie.
133
00:08:22,781 --> 00:08:24,495
Now that you put it that way...
134
00:08:24,615 --> 00:08:26,382
What other way is there to put it, Hank?
135
00:08:26,502 --> 00:08:29,274
Now that you put it that way,
there is no other way to put it.
136
00:08:29,394 --> 00:08:31,420
- I think that's a very...
- Shut up!
137
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:34,067
God, you shut up! And you know what?
138
00:08:34,187 --> 00:08:37,221
By the way, the truth is...
139
00:08:38,076 --> 00:08:39,475
the movie...
140
00:08:39,597 --> 00:08:41,531
is much better than the book.
141
00:08:41,653 --> 00:08:44,522
Okay, so not only
are you a cadaverous lay
142
00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:46,866
you also have shitty taste in movies.
143
00:08:48,131 --> 00:08:49,292
Hi.
144
00:08:50,047 --> 00:08:51,827
Thank you.
145
00:08:53,371 --> 00:08:54,732
Cheers!
146
00:08:56,496 --> 00:08:57,773
So...
147
00:08:57,923 --> 00:08:59,566
is this the new girlfriend?
148
00:09:18,596 --> 00:09:20,559
I wish we could take him with us.
149
00:09:23,546 --> 00:09:26,194
Why don't you get
your stuff together, honey, okay?
150
00:09:26,670 --> 00:09:29,423
- Don't yell at him.
- I'm not gonna yell at him...
151
00:09:30,229 --> 00:09:31,252
much.
152
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:37,631
What?
153
00:09:38,936 --> 00:09:40,269
I know that look.
154
00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:43,964
That's the look that
shrivels my testies.
155
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:48,083
Twelve years old finds naked slut
in dad's bedroom.
156
00:09:48,543 --> 00:09:49,923
Are you still feeling cute?
157
00:09:51,145 --> 00:09:53,699
- She mentioned that, huh?
- Yes, she mentioned that.
158
00:09:54,416 --> 00:09:55,459
So...
159
00:09:56,155 --> 00:09:58,014
- What, you're jealous?
- What?
160
00:09:58,711 --> 00:10:02,348
You're so lucky that I don't take away
the little custody you do have.
161
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:03,875
Bill tried to convince me...
162
00:10:04,475 --> 00:10:07,829
You get a legal advice from your
boyfriend Bill, now? That's sweet!
163
00:10:08,281 --> 00:10:09,559
Don't start, okay?
164
00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:11,535
You started when you cheated on me.
165
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,448
Shut up! I did not cheated on you.
166
00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:15,837
In what universe is fucking someone
167
00:10:15,957 --> 00:10:18,366
when you're married to somebody
else not cheating?
168
00:10:18,989 --> 00:10:20,914
The one in which you were
never actually married.
169
00:10:21,061 --> 00:10:23,165
That's a bullshit technicality.
170
00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,312
You never asked.
You don't wanna be that guy.
171
00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:26,724
You didn't wanna join the herd.
172
00:10:26,844 --> 00:10:28,160
That's what I dug about you.
173
00:10:28,439 --> 00:10:29,789
Imagine my fucking disappointment
174
00:10:29,909 --> 00:10:32,188
when you turned out to be
the biggest clich� of all,
175
00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,109
sitting there and googling yourself.
176
00:10:34,324 --> 00:10:36,217
- I saw you.
- I google myself
177
00:10:36,337 --> 00:10:38,479
but I never cheated on you. Never.
178
00:10:38,835 --> 00:10:41,104
Cheating isn't just about
fucking someone, Hank.
179
00:10:41,235 --> 00:10:43,451
I got a dictionary in there
that will differ with you!
180
00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:46,912
Bill and I didn't even touch each other
until we were dead and buried.
181
00:10:47,217 --> 00:10:49,236
Okay, are you trying to
make me throw up now?
182
00:10:49,772 --> 00:10:53,233
You are out there and sticking
your dick in anything that moves
183
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,429
trying to get back at me.
184
00:10:54,727 --> 00:10:56,004
Which is fine.
185
00:10:57,238 --> 00:10:58,834
Do you know what the worst thing is?
186
00:11:00,204 --> 00:11:01,434
You are not writing.
187
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:04,604
You have this gift, you have
this incredible talent,
188
00:11:04,724 --> 00:11:06,703
and you're just flushing it
down the toilet.
189
00:11:07,352 --> 00:11:08,526
Maybe you're right.
190
00:11:09,096 --> 00:11:10,297
No "maybes".
191
00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:12,373
You are right.
192
00:11:14,571 --> 00:11:16,204
I'm fucked up right now and I...
193
00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:17,670
I need help.
194
00:11:19,119 --> 00:11:22,143
- I do, I need you... baby...
- No, no, no...
195
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,872
Hank, Hank, Hank, I...
I'm getting married.
196
00:11:26,992 --> 00:11:28,962
- What?
- He asked and I said "yes".
197
00:11:29,301 --> 00:11:31,288
Why the fuck would you
do something like that?
198
00:11:31,410 --> 00:11:33,041
- Because I love him.
- No, you don't.
199
00:11:33,161 --> 00:11:34,932
- Yes, I do. I do!
- You don't. You do not!
200
00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:36,909
- Yes, I do!
- You don't!
201
00:11:37,085 --> 00:11:39,725
- How do you know?
- 'Cause he's a fucking dial tone!
202
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,961
He's everything you said
you never wanted.
203
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,950
I'm sure he means well
and everything...
204
00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:45,984
I may be fucked up right now
but I can see it,
205
00:11:46,104 --> 00:11:48,016
he's not the guy for you.
I can see that.
206
00:11:48,136 --> 00:11:49,156
How do you know that?
207
00:11:49,341 --> 00:11:50,696
Because I know you.
208
00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:54,567
Don't I get some say in this?
209
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,248
Are you sure?
Because it seems like I should,
210
00:11:58,685 --> 00:11:59,703
maybe.
211
00:12:05,936 --> 00:12:07,692
I guess that's it, huh?
212
00:12:07,942 --> 00:12:09,242
- Yeah.
- Okay.
213
00:12:12,047 --> 00:12:14,008
Best of luck in all
your future endeavors.
214
00:12:14,629 --> 00:12:15,690
Thank you.
215
00:12:17,666 --> 00:12:20,739
Good night, honey. Please don't use
the word "vagina" around me ever again.
216
00:12:20,859 --> 00:12:23,107
Don't forget to let me
know where you're registered.
217
00:12:23,314 --> 00:12:24,657
That's so sweet!
218
00:12:25,051 --> 00:12:28,638
And don't let the door hit you on
your soon-to-be huge ass on the way out.
219
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,145
Talk to me.
220
00:13:04,781 --> 00:13:06,255
Baby, what's up?
221
00:13:07,011 --> 00:13:08,447
- No, I'm at the movies!
- Hey...
222
00:13:08,626 --> 00:13:09,877
Come on buddy, give me a break!
223
00:13:10,018 --> 00:13:12,254
I swear I called the house,
I talked to your mother.
224
00:13:12,735 --> 00:13:14,519
No, she said... What the fuck, man!
225
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,106
What's up, baby girl!
226
00:13:16,539 --> 00:13:19,056
No, the asshole you're calling
is gonna have to call you back.
227
00:13:19,176 --> 00:13:21,412
Yes, sweetheart. Sometime
after the movie, all right?
228
00:13:21,532 --> 00:13:22,636
Give me the phone!
229
00:13:23,057 --> 00:13:24,653
Give me the phone! You know what?
230
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,250
You don't touch the phone, okay?
231
00:13:26,479 --> 00:13:27,550
Stupid guy!
232
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:31,960
Don't do it.
233
00:13:35,636 --> 00:13:38,012
Baby, I'm sorry but some stupid guy
234
00:13:38,132 --> 00:13:41,335
he takes the phone from me. He freaks
out like he's Mel Gibson or something.
235
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:44,532
Forget about that, baby.
Forget, 'cause you know who I am.
236
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:47,565
I don't care if I am at the movie
theater... What the fuck, man!
237
00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:49,800
Now, come on, take it.
238
00:13:53,144 --> 00:13:55,102
Next time put it on vibrate homey.
239
00:13:58,215 --> 00:13:59,887
Fucking turn it off!
240
00:14:01,094 --> 00:14:04,076
God forbid you should
pass up a fucking call!
241
00:14:04,902 --> 00:14:05,944
Dick.
242
00:14:08,441 --> 00:14:10,882
What the fuck! Piece of shit!
243
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:13,724
What are you doing?
244
00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:16,764
What do you mean?
You were just like calling me over.
245
00:15:17,154 --> 00:15:19,408
No, I was like totally ambivalent.
246
00:15:21,219 --> 00:15:23,557
Listen, you better get up because
247
00:15:23,794 --> 00:15:25,749
my boyfriend will be back any second.
248
00:15:26,454 --> 00:15:27,947
You weird chick!
249
00:15:28,707 --> 00:15:30,299
I am, I'm also just kidding!
250
00:15:30,419 --> 00:15:31,646
Have a seat, please.
251
00:15:32,561 --> 00:15:33,960
What if I don't want to now?
252
00:15:34,912 --> 00:15:36,190
Fine, your loss. I mean...
253
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,814
Why would I wanna get to know a guy
254
00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:39,896
who's so in love with himself
that he hangs out
255
00:15:40,037 --> 00:15:42,201
in a bookstores
reading his own work.
256
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,994
If you're under the impression that
I'm in love with myself then it's...
257
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:49,698
possible that
you are higher than me right now.
258
00:15:50,022 --> 00:15:52,247
So I'm battling some low self-esteem.
259
00:15:52,487 --> 00:15:54,102
You have no idea.
260
00:15:55,510 --> 00:15:56,581
Poor baby.
261
00:15:59,538 --> 00:16:01,576
Hank, my name is Hank.
262
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:03,547
I know.
263
00:16:04,379 --> 00:16:06,497
- Mia.
- Nice to meet you, Mia.
264
00:16:07,278 --> 00:16:08,339
Likewise.
265
00:16:09,213 --> 00:16:10,405
Can I ask you a question?
266
00:16:11,241 --> 00:16:12,256
Sure.
267
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:13,620
Did you...
268
00:16:14,787 --> 00:16:16,285
see that movie?
269
00:16:19,355 --> 00:16:20,378
And what did you think?
270
00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:22,589
- Honestly?
- Yes, brutal truth.
271
00:16:24,544 --> 00:16:25,811
It really sucked.
272
00:16:26,201 --> 00:16:28,788
The director ruined it,
he should be shot.
273
00:16:28,908 --> 00:16:30,516
I took care of him already.
274
00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:35,074
So you're like this...
275
00:16:35,642 --> 00:16:36,830
famous writer, huh?
276
00:16:37,342 --> 00:16:39,519
Hardly, more like a one hit wonder.
277
00:16:39,962 --> 00:16:42,634
Well, now I'm definitely...
278
00:16:42,974 --> 00:16:45,547
for sure, absolutely...
279
00:16:46,127 --> 00:16:47,845
not going to sleep with you.
280
00:16:52,723 --> 00:16:54,098
Are you gonna cum?
281
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,437
I don't see why not.
282
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:30,648
I'm happy to report that Becca
283
00:17:30,770 --> 00:17:32,188
is a delightful student.
284
00:17:32,730 --> 00:17:35,456
Smart, inquisitive, full of life.
285
00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:38,667
And yet I sense a big hairy "but"
lurking around the corner.
286
00:17:39,121 --> 00:17:40,765
This is my life. Can you take those off?
287
00:17:41,129 --> 00:17:43,923
It's okay, he is right, but...
288
00:17:44,082 --> 00:17:46,805
I'm slightly worried
about her emerging sexuality.
289
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:48,113
Oh, thank god.
290
00:17:48,758 --> 00:17:50,846
She's a lesbian. Thank god.
291
00:17:51,486 --> 00:17:54,233
- What are you talking about?
- I think we can all agree
292
00:17:54,412 --> 00:17:55,954
by and large
that men are assholes.
293
00:17:56,226 --> 00:17:59,627
I, for one, am happy
that she prefers the fairer sex.
294
00:17:59,838 --> 00:18:02,319
It looks like we're the proud parents
of a lesbian daughter.
295
00:18:02,563 --> 00:18:03,426
Up high!
296
00:18:03,613 --> 00:18:05,634
Let's celebrate.
Come on, don't leave me hanging...
297
00:18:05,888 --> 00:18:07,966
What? You're ashamed
of our gay daughter?
298
00:18:09,223 --> 00:18:10,416
What happened to your eye?
299
00:18:10,735 --> 00:18:13,667
Okay, hold on a second here, folks.
300
00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:15,662
Becca is not a lesbian.
301
00:18:16,582 --> 00:18:17,794
- She's not?
- No.
302
00:18:17,914 --> 00:18:19,122
Based on what I've seen, no.
303
00:18:19,242 --> 00:18:22,042
Then, why are we discussing
her sexuality?
304
00:18:22,162 --> 00:18:25,308
Because it seems, she very recently
has discovered
305
00:18:25,453 --> 00:18:28,174
- the attention of boys.
- Well, she's beautiful.
306
00:18:28,353 --> 00:18:30,020
She takes after her mother.
307
00:18:30,886 --> 00:18:33,046
The make up and the slutty clothes.
308
00:18:33,299 --> 00:18:35,530
I caught her making out
with this boy last week.
309
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:36,918
- And he...
- He was what?
310
00:18:37,489 --> 00:18:38,493
Feeling her up.
311
00:18:38,615 --> 00:18:41,158
She is 12 years old.
What, there's nothing there to feel...
312
00:18:41,278 --> 00:18:43,880
You know, I don't see why
we should put such a negative
313
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,883
spin on this, I mean,
she's growing up, it's only natural.
314
00:18:47,021 --> 00:18:49,688
- I'll talk to her.
- No. No, I will talk to her.
315
00:18:49,852 --> 00:18:52,892
No, because you're just gonna loose
your shit and that's gonna make--
316
00:18:53,014 --> 00:18:54,787
You'll talk to her
she'll wind up pregnant.
317
00:18:54,919 --> 00:18:56,845
Then everything will be fine
and fucking dandy.
318
00:18:56,979 --> 00:18:58,011
Oh, my god.
319
00:18:58,668 --> 00:19:02,565
- You're such a funny asshole.
- Folks, I only bring it up because...
320
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,854
When I told her it was
an inappropriate behaviour, she said...
321
00:19:05,974 --> 00:19:08,657
"How else do we get boys to like you?"
322
00:19:16,835 --> 00:19:17,835
So...
323
00:19:18,229 --> 00:19:19,366
I...
324
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,285
have an offer for you!
325
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,303
Forgive me, I haven't heard
that one in a while.
326
00:19:25,423 --> 00:19:26,593
Don't get too excited.
327
00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:30,434
I wish you would've said that before
the blood started rushing into my cock.
328
00:19:30,584 --> 00:19:32,302
Lovely, thank you for that image.
329
00:19:32,564 --> 00:19:36,160
- Are you familiar with Hell-A magazine?
- Hell, no.
330
00:19:36,282 --> 00:19:38,726
Now, they would like you
to blog for them.
331
00:19:38,999 --> 00:19:39,974
Fuck me.
332
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,203
Must be my trick ear
but I thought you said "blog".
333
00:19:42,323 --> 00:19:44,134
The good people at Hell-A,
334
00:19:44,374 --> 00:19:46,816
are very interested in your thoughts
335
00:19:47,017 --> 00:19:50,290
on the battle between the sexes
and this adopted city of yours.
336
00:19:50,591 --> 00:19:51,746
Do you have a gun?
337
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:59,452
You know, I did have a very hot dream
about a nun the other night
338
00:19:59,572 --> 00:20:02,840
- who gave me a blow job...
- There you go, a nun and a blow job.
339
00:20:02,972 --> 00:20:05,284
- This excellent, excellent.
- You think?
340
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,454
Doesn't take Freud
to figure it out but...
341
00:20:08,211 --> 00:20:10,892
Well, Hank, have we established
that you have a certain
342
00:20:11,012 --> 00:20:13,291
predilection for the company
of unavailable women?
343
00:20:13,459 --> 00:20:16,122
- No, we haven't established that.
- I've established it.
344
00:20:16,242 --> 00:20:19,826
And what would be the ultimate
manifestation of such a fetish?
345
00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:21,876
Perhaps, getting a blow-job,
346
00:20:21,996 --> 00:20:24,749
from a woman
who is essentially married to God...
347
00:20:25,155 --> 00:20:26,806
Can it just be that it's naughty?
348
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,972
What the fuck is going on with you, man?
349
00:20:32,812 --> 00:20:33,981
How are you?
350
00:20:35,047 --> 00:20:37,122
I'm fine, I'm...
351
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,706
I'm disgusted with my life...
352
00:20:39,922 --> 00:20:42,363
and myself
but I'm not unhappy about that.
353
00:20:43,517 --> 00:20:44,530
How are you?
354
00:20:47,866 --> 00:20:50,109
Okay, as your friend and agent,
355
00:20:50,229 --> 00:20:51,697
may I simply suggest...
356
00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:54,454
that you may be try
to start looking for a nice girl.
357
00:20:54,574 --> 00:20:55,608
A nice girl?
358
00:20:55,738 --> 00:20:57,979
I wouldn't know
what to say to a nice girl.
359
00:20:58,101 --> 00:21:00,741
Seeing as you're 10 s away
from sitting at a dinner with one
360
00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:03,081
- you better figure something out.
- That's not cool.
361
00:21:03,203 --> 00:21:04,767
- I'm naughty, too.
- Motherfucker.
362
00:21:04,887 --> 00:21:06,376
- Hello, wife.
- Hello boys.
363
00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:08,653
So, Hank...
364
00:21:09,263 --> 00:21:10,275
Meredith...
365
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,266
You're a writer.
366
00:21:12,783 --> 00:21:14,427
Once upon a time, I was, yeah...
367
00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:17,333
in a little place I like
to call New York City.
368
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:19,309
I've heard of it.
369
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:20,771
He's still a writer.
370
00:21:21,152 --> 00:21:22,289
A great writer.
371
00:21:22,409 --> 00:21:25,467
No, that's, see, that's where
you're wrong and the writers write.
372
00:21:25,587 --> 00:21:27,288
That what they do. Me...
373
00:21:27,626 --> 00:21:29,771
Not so much, nothing. Nada.
374
00:21:29,978 --> 00:21:32,397
Well, have you written anything
I might have read?
375
00:21:32,664 --> 00:21:35,021
Well, that depends on
whether or not you read, Meredith.
376
00:21:36,156 --> 00:21:37,833
- I read, Hank.
- Excellent.
377
00:21:37,953 --> 00:21:40,025
Most recently, I gave man birth
378
00:21:40,145 --> 00:21:42,473
to a weighty tome called
"God hates us all."
379
00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,868
Such a catchy title, no?
380
00:21:43,988 --> 00:21:46,284
Which was subsequently
turned into a movie called...
381
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:49,078
"A crazy little thing called love".
382
00:21:49,198 --> 00:21:50,544
The one with Tom and Katie?
383
00:21:50,769 --> 00:21:52,346
- I love that.
- Swell.
384
00:21:52,468 --> 00:21:53,755
That was such a sweet movie.
385
00:21:53,888 --> 00:21:56,387
- You liked it?
- Well, congrats, Hanks.
386
00:21:56,507 --> 00:21:58,151
You must be really proud.
387
00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:00,992
Like you wouldn't believe.
388
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:08,559
Tell me about yourself.
389
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,224
What would you like to know?
390
00:22:10,344 --> 00:22:12,286
Well, just the Cliffs Notes
would be fine.
391
00:22:13,329 --> 00:22:15,758
Well, I don't know, Hank,
you seem to have me all...
392
00:22:16,004 --> 00:22:17,767
figured out,
why don't you give it a try?
393
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,776
Yeah, why don't we order
a little something, some wine maybe?
394
00:22:20,896 --> 00:22:23,888
Honey, trust me, getting your asshole
bleached would be much more fun.
395
00:22:24,008 --> 00:22:26,348
Yeah, is there a waiter?
Perhaps, waiter, gar�on?
396
00:22:26,468 --> 00:22:28,621
- I don't think you want to hear that.
- Sure I do.
397
00:22:28,808 --> 00:22:31,130
Tell me a little bit about myself,
I mean, that's what
398
00:22:31,289 --> 00:22:34,645
writers do, right? They make up stuff.
Come on, it'll be fun.
399
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,999
I think you were born in the Valley.
400
00:22:39,617 --> 00:22:40,746
Nice part though...
401
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:43,424
Hidden Hills, Calabasas
or something like that?
402
00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:46,046
Your father was middle-management
403
00:22:46,166 --> 00:22:47,603
white collar executive.
404
00:22:47,932 --> 00:22:49,110
Stay-at-home mum.
405
00:22:49,816 --> 00:22:52,961
You didn't want to stray too far to go
to College so you went to USC.
406
00:22:53,918 --> 00:22:55,022
UCLA?
407
00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:57,377
No, no, S-C, S-C.
408
00:22:57,497 --> 00:22:59,067
You had a serious boyfriend in college
409
00:22:59,187 --> 00:23:01,447
who broke up right after,
he married the next one.
410
00:23:01,961 --> 00:23:05,271
You got a low maitenance gig
in human resources industry.
411
00:23:05,391 --> 00:23:08,214
You got a string of bad relationships,
you put on some weight.
412
00:23:08,823 --> 00:23:11,275
You looked around and saw
all your friends starting to pair up
413
00:23:11,397 --> 00:23:13,813
and get married so you decided
you should loose the weight,
414
00:23:13,935 --> 00:23:16,302
you joined a gym, got addicted,
maybe did a little running.
415
00:23:16,664 --> 00:23:17,941
Say you wanna work.
416
00:23:18,205 --> 00:23:20,279
Maybe start your own
party planning business
417
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,530
fancy yourself kind of
a poor girl�s Martha Stewart.
418
00:23:22,650 --> 00:23:24,163
But what you really wanna do?
419
00:23:24,414 --> 00:23:26,147
Sit at home, on the couch
420
00:23:26,288 --> 00:23:28,969
with some poor sap watching reality TV
421
00:23:29,089 --> 00:23:30,677
while he watches you get fat again.
422
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,877
Now you're giving me that look right now
423
00:23:35,074 --> 00:23:37,063
look like I finger banged your cat.
424
00:23:39,714 --> 00:23:43,393
But what you really think is if I manage
to get outta here in the next 15 mins
425
00:23:43,529 --> 00:23:46,421
I can still make it at home in time
to watch America Next Top Model,
426
00:23:46,562 --> 00:23:48,646
which I have tivoed, I swear to god!
427
00:23:49,105 --> 00:23:50,608
That show is fierce!
428
00:23:52,371 --> 00:23:54,306
- You're a real prick, you know that?
- Guilty.
429
00:23:54,426 --> 00:23:55,498
Guilty as charged.
430
00:23:56,037 --> 00:23:57,230
I thought she liked me.
431
00:23:57,686 --> 00:24:00,078
- I thought it was going well.
- Sweet.
432
00:24:01,158 --> 00:24:04,001
- She did ask for it.
- Yeah, totally, she got it.
433
00:24:05,726 --> 00:24:06,881
Go home, honey.
434
00:24:07,325 --> 00:24:08,405
Sleep it off.
435
00:24:09,151 --> 00:24:10,630
Tomorrow is another day.
436
00:24:22,151 --> 00:24:23,245
What's wrong?
437
00:24:25,118 --> 00:24:26,930
Just thought that you were gonna hit me.
438
00:24:28,151 --> 00:24:30,029
- Why?
- No reason.
439
00:24:30,751 --> 00:24:31,991
As you were.
440
00:24:33,385 --> 00:24:34,547
Defile me.
441
00:24:41,835 --> 00:24:42,897
Yeah, hello?
442
00:24:44,418 --> 00:24:46,155
Not the best time, no.
443
00:24:49,584 --> 00:24:51,274
Okay, okay, I'll be right there.
444
00:24:52,131 --> 00:24:54,478
- Are you kidding me?
- Consider yourself defiled.
445
00:24:54,607 --> 00:24:55,633
You're an asshole!
446
00:25:01,357 --> 00:25:03,631
- Where?
- Somewhere up in the Palisades.
447
00:25:07,991 --> 00:25:09,814
- Who did she go with?
- Bill's daughter.
448
00:25:09,973 --> 00:25:11,994
Didn't know Bill had a daughter.
How old is she?
449
00:25:12,114 --> 00:25:14,283
- Sixteen.
- And you let Becca hang out with her?
450
00:25:14,403 --> 00:25:15,501
Yeah, she's a good kid:
451
00:25:15,623 --> 00:25:18,376
she's the one that called
to tell me that Becca was in trouble.
452
00:25:20,763 --> 00:25:21,834
What?
453
00:25:23,759 --> 00:25:24,782
What?
454
00:25:25,392 --> 00:25:26,641
You smell like pussy.
455
00:25:27,617 --> 00:25:28,745
Thank you.
456
00:25:58,781 --> 00:25:59,805
As you were.
457
00:26:35,161 --> 00:26:36,335
I hate you.
458
00:26:37,158 --> 00:26:38,823
All right, I guess I deserved that.
459
00:26:39,571 --> 00:26:40,886
No one deserves that.
460
00:26:42,405 --> 00:26:43,523
You wanna come in?
461
00:26:44,326 --> 00:26:46,245
What about the lord of the manor?
462
00:26:46,365 --> 00:26:47,477
He's outta town.
463
00:26:48,771 --> 00:26:49,909
Sure.
464
00:26:51,666 --> 00:26:52,942
Wash the pussy off.
465
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:58,884
That happens.
466
00:26:59,261 --> 00:27:01,380
It was gonna happen, sooner or later.
467
00:27:01,869 --> 00:27:04,011
- Do you think I was wrong?
- No, you did exactly
468
00:27:04,152 --> 00:27:06,508
what I wanted to do
which doesn't make it right.
469
00:27:06,717 --> 00:27:09,186
I just reacted. Just picked her up.
470
00:27:09,551 --> 00:27:11,692
Yeah, you've always been a walking id.
471
00:27:12,191 --> 00:27:14,998
Which oddly enough
is the title of my next novel.
472
00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:17,534
What next novel?
473
00:27:17,857 --> 00:27:20,110
Hey, let's just talk about Becca.
474
00:27:20,892 --> 00:27:22,838
Well it's all kinda the same thing,
isn't it?
475
00:27:23,056 --> 00:27:24,224
You called me.
476
00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:27,514
Yeah, your daughter was in trouble,
I thought you should know.
477
00:27:27,634 --> 00:27:29,768
Oh, bullshit. You were alone
and you freaked out.
478
00:27:29,888 --> 00:27:31,162
You wanted me to handle it.
479
00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:33,484
I want you in my life, I...
480
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,230
Because you're still in love with me
481
00:27:35,365 --> 00:27:37,798
and you wanna have like 10.000
more of my babies.
482
00:27:37,919 --> 00:27:39,481
No, it's because...
483
00:27:39,601 --> 00:27:42,200
what happens to Becca
is our responsability
484
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,606
and like it or not,
we're tied to each other for life.
485
00:27:44,726 --> 00:27:46,794
- Yes.
- Minus the obvious...
486
00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:48,499
Sexual benefits.
487
00:27:48,989 --> 00:27:51,121
You seem to have that
pretty well covered right now.
488
00:27:51,293 --> 00:27:52,754
Don't sell yourself short.
489
00:27:52,874 --> 00:27:55,566
As I recall, our problems
did not extend to the bedroom.
490
00:27:55,792 --> 00:27:57,247
Please stop.
491
00:28:00,882 --> 00:28:03,145
God, we just kinda sucked
at everything else.
492
00:28:04,541 --> 00:28:06,375
We were great once and you know it.
493
00:28:06,735 --> 00:28:07,758
Hank...
494
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,176
What are you doing?
495
00:28:13,185 --> 00:28:14,349
Marry me.
496
00:28:17,082 --> 00:28:18,970
- What?
- Don't marry him.
497
00:28:19,153 --> 00:28:20,187
Marry me.
498
00:28:22,507 --> 00:28:24,240
Hank, don't fuck with me.
499
00:28:24,398 --> 00:28:26,521
I'm not fucking with you.
I don't work without you.
500
00:28:26,962 --> 00:28:29,939
Oh, I get it, you want your muse back?
501
00:28:30,117 --> 00:28:32,252
You'll save me.
And I'll save you.
502
00:28:32,860 --> 00:28:34,935
I fucked up, I think we fucked up and...
503
00:28:35,218 --> 00:28:37,359
in matters big and small
and I never asked you.
504
00:28:38,697 --> 00:28:39,980
I'm asking you now.
505
00:28:41,426 --> 00:28:42,534
Marry me.
506
00:28:44,979 --> 00:28:46,750
You so wanna get with me right now.
507
00:28:54,058 --> 00:28:55,157
I'm so sorry.
508
00:28:55,565 --> 00:28:56,969
- You're okay?
- Yeah.
509
00:28:57,372 --> 00:28:59,990
This is Mia. Bill's daughter.
And this is Hank.
510
00:29:01,872 --> 00:29:04,034
You two know each other?
511
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:07,578
Well...
512
00:29:08,708 --> 00:29:10,412
I do recognize you...
513
00:29:11,559 --> 00:29:13,585
Yeah, sure I do...
514
00:29:15,031 --> 00:29:16,261
from your book.
515
00:29:16,457 --> 00:29:18,209
Your picture is on the back.
516
00:29:18,329 --> 00:29:19,449
Right.
517
00:29:20,070 --> 00:29:21,267
How is she?
518
00:29:22,004 --> 00:29:23,234
Well, she hates us.
519
00:29:23,694 --> 00:29:24,934
You know, she's fine.
520
00:29:25,626 --> 00:29:27,631
And that was very cool
what you did tonight.
521
00:29:28,479 --> 00:29:31,691
It's nice to see some good
old-fashioned family values in this...
522
00:29:32,241 --> 00:29:34,627
morally bankrupt city of ours.
523
00:29:34,889 --> 00:29:37,200
That's me,
I'm all about the family values.
524
00:29:38,430 --> 00:29:39,736
What happened to your eye?
525
00:29:40,615 --> 00:29:42,352
Yeah, what did happen to your eye, hank?
526
00:29:42,634 --> 00:29:44,357
Well, you should see the other guy...
527
00:29:45,624 --> 00:29:47,503
I hope she doesn't press charges...
528
00:29:47,662 --> 00:29:48,944
It's not a "she"...
529
00:29:49,451 --> 00:29:51,179
It was a "he", the other guy.
530
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,353
Right.
531
00:29:52,672 --> 00:29:54,338
Well whatever, I'm off to bed.
532
00:29:54,458 --> 00:29:55,958
Good night. It was...
533
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,220
- nice to meet you, Hank.
- Nice to meet you too.
534
00:30:03,658 --> 00:30:05,226
She seems nice.
535
00:30:05,525 --> 00:30:06,840
She is. She is great.
536
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,215
- She is a good kid.
- How old might she be?
537
00:30:09,607 --> 00:30:10,734
She's sixteen.
538
00:30:11,214 --> 00:30:12,721
Sixteen? Wow...
539
00:30:12,907 --> 00:30:13,917
Sixteen...
540
00:30:14,037 --> 00:30:15,729
I know what you're thinking...
541
00:30:16,077 --> 00:30:18,264
No, I don't think you do.
542
00:30:19,766 --> 00:30:21,176
Give me a break.
543
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,106
Your jaw is practically
on the fucking floor, Hank.
544
00:30:24,470 --> 00:30:26,058
You're such a dirty old man.
545
00:30:26,178 --> 00:30:27,179
No, I'm not.
546
00:30:27,471 --> 00:30:28,890
Oh, I'm just fucking with you.
547
00:30:33,772 --> 00:30:34,918
Good bye.
40281
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