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MAN: Señoras y señores,

con todos vosotros,

Jim Gaffigan!

(cheers, applause)

Gracias! Gracias!

Gracias!

Vamos a la playa.

(laughter)

En el nombre a padre,
el hijo, el spritu sancto.

(laughter)

That's all the Spanish I know.

Uh, it is great to be here
in Barcelona,

thank you for coming out.

(cheers, applause)

I have had so much fun
here in Spain.

I love Spain,
or as the Spanish call it,

España.

I think it's strange that
we call your country

a different name than you use.

That seems rude.

I come from España.

Uh, Spain, huh?

(laughter)

It is España.

I like Spain better.

You wouldn't do that
to another person.

Hey, my name is Bob.

Nice to meet you, Sam.

(laughter)

I just said my name is Bob.
You look more like a Sam to me.

Sammy!

(laughter)

And it's not just España.

It's-- It's got that eyebrow
over the N.

(laughter)

España.

And I asked, I was like,
what's that eyebrow,

and they're, like,
that's Enya.

I'm like, the Irish singer?

(laughter)

I guess I've never really seen
a photo of her.

(laughter)

♪ Sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail a-- ♪

Barcelona,
part of Catalonia.

I knew about
the regions of Spain,

I-- I didn't know that
there were so many of them.

I got 17 autonomous regions.

Now, I don't know how many
autonomous regions is a lot,

but...
17 feels like too many.

(laughter)

It's, like,
are you guys gettin'
a divorce or something?

(laughter)

Your mother and I have agreed
to see other autonomous regions.

(laughter)

Seventeen?

Wait, do some of these regions
even know they're part of Spain?

We haven't told them yet.

We want it to be a surprise.

The Spanish, of course,
had this great empire, right?

Right--
Right near in Barcelona
is where Columbus left.

Right? The Columbus,
uh, you know,

made a deal with
King Ferdinand and
Queen Isabella,

he was, like, I'm gonna find
a shorter way to India,

and he got lost,

and he found
the western hemisphere,

so he's a hero.

(laughter)

And they gave him a statue

where he's pointing
the wrong way.

(laughter)

(applause)

As a result, the Spanish
colonized half of

the western hemisphere,
right?

They went there and
they found all the gold

and they brought it back,

which brings up the question,

what'd you guys do
with all the gold?

(laughter)

'Cause, uh, I've been
all around Spain.

I don't see any gold.

I don't even see things
you could buy with gold.

What happened to the gold?

I wanna know.

I love the Spanish,
they're very warm and friendly,

they're very tactile,
they're always touching you

when they talk to you.

It feels like
a pre-assault situation.

(laughter)

How are you?
I'm married. I'm married.

(laughter)

You Americans are so uptight.

I feel like such a prude here.

Like,
if I ask for directions,

and while you give me
those directions,

you feel the need to
touch me a couple times,

I assume you're a prostitute.

(laughter)

Yes.

You'd think with so many
autonomous regions

that you guys would
understand boundaries.

(laughter)

How about you think of me
as an autonomous region

and not grope me?

Spain is home of the siesta.

The siesta--
and I'm a nap taker,

so I, uh-- I have always
felt shame about napping,

I'm like, ah, I'm lazy.

But now I realize I'm Spanish.

(laughter)

Olé.

(applause)

I wish-- I wish
I was Spanish, right?

'Cause then I would have, like,
one of those long last names,

you know, where it's like
a combination of

the mother and the father's
last name,

so my name would be
Jim Gaffigan Gaffigan.

(laughter)

This man is an idiot.

He is not a--
(chuckles)

The siesta.

The siesta--
Of course, it's not--
no longer practical,

but I do admire how the--
the Spanish still have pride
in the siesta.

The siesta,
we came up with that,

that was our idea.

To do nothing.

(laughter)

That is our thing.

Traditionally, it's from
2 to 5 p.m., right?

Seems like the idea of someone
who has a massive hangover

said, hey, guys,

you know that time, like,
from lunch to dinner?

(laughter)

Um...

what if we took a nap?

(laughter)

What if we took some aspirin
and napped?

We could do that.

Course, there--
there are benefits

of a siesta, right?

People are more alert,
it improves your memory,

you get a couple hours where
you're not groped.

-Uh--
-(laughter)

I think it--
I think it's interesting
how the Spanish,

you guys defend the siesta,

like, there's
a justification.

They're, like,
well, the siesta,

lunch is the most
important meal,

I'm, like, it shouldn't take
three hours.

(laughter)

(chuckles)
You know?

That is the hottest part
of the day.

I'm like, well,
there is air conditioning.

I mean, just not in Spain,
but there is air conditioning.

I've been in Spain in July,
and I feel like you guys

are undecided about
air conditioning.

You're like, well,
do we need air conditioning?

I mean, the roads are melting
but do we need it?

(laughter)

Eh, we'll deal
with that mañana.

You know, we don't need to
figure that out right now.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

I don't know.

It's supposed to be
a-- a short nap, right?

It's supposed to be
just 20 minutes.

Short nap,
everything's small here.

Small nap, small food,
small cars.

You guys can't commit
to anything.

(laughter)

But I love Spain.
It's a--

It's a little louder here.

Little noisier.

It's very loud.

And I-- And I'm an American.

I come from New York City.

I have five young children,
and it's quieter there.

It's like I don't know if
this entire country is filled
with deaf people,

but I see you sit
across from each other

and yell at each other.

I'm like, settle down,
everyone.

Settle down.

Apparently,
because of the noise,

uh, the news that
smoking is bad for you
hasn't come up here.

(laughter)

Uh, maybe someone should
yell that out.

I feel like
you guys are smoking

like it's actually
good for you,

-you're like--
-(laughter)

Yeah, you work out,
I'm smokin'.

Woo-woo!

Nailin' it.

(laughter)

Speaking of, uh, loud noises,
I, uh, went to--

I saw flamenco.

Flamenco, which was--
it was so impressive,

and I tell ya,
after like 10 minutes,

I was like, uh,
I've seen enough. Uh--

(laughter)

It was--
It was truly impressive.

It was very impressive.

And it's-- But, you know,
there's all the clapping,

and the stomping,
and the-- and the snapping.

It's like--
It's like a competition
who can make the most noise.

-It's like, what about this?
-(laughter)

What if I did this?
I wouldn't even have to
open my mouth.

(laughter)

It's very sensual, flamenco.
Halfway through the show,

I got pregnant.
I was--

(laughter)

No smiling, though, right?

Always-- (groaning)

(laughter)

It's like, all I can think is
they were like, my feet hurt.

My feet really hurt
from that.

Flamenco.

So different from fado,
the Portuguese fado.

I love talking about Portugal
in Spain

'cause the Spanish
are always like,

where's that?

(laughter)

It's next door.

Is that one of
the autonomous regions?

No, it's not.

It's a whole other country.

But fado is different,
you know, like,

flamenco is-- is energetic
and-- and loud,

and-- and almost angry,

whereas fado is sad
and melancholic.

Sad, it's very fado,
which means fate.

It's like--
And the Portuguese love it,

it's like a whole country
that's really into the band
The Cure.

(laughter)

They love it.

Fado. Fado,
which means fate.

Fado,
it sounds like a guy,

it's like, I saw Fado.

He seems depressed.

(laughter)

He was saudade,
which means longing

but sounds like, uh,

how a drunk person
would say so sad.

(slurring)
I saw Fado, he was saudade.

(laughter)

Very saudade.

Yeah, son,
that doesn't make sense.

(laughter)

But it's interesting,
similar to flamenco,

there's, like,
dinner theaters of fado.

I don't know how
that would even start.

It was like, hey, Grandma,
you know that song about
Grandpa drowning?

-Um...
-(laughter)

What if we sing it
at the restaurant?

(laughter)

'Cause, you know,
when you eat...

you want a sad song.

Have you decided?
Yeah, I'm gonna have the cod,

and, uh,
can I have the song about
missing Lisbon?

Uh, that sounds great.

Valencia, I started my tour
in Valencia,

and, uh, I had paella
in Valencia.

Well, I ordered it,
it never showed up.

-Um--
-(laughter)

-You know?
-(applause)

How long are you supposed to
wait for food--

(laughter)

In Spain?

Like, do Spanish waiters think
people in restaurants

don't want to be bothered?

It was, like,
it took two hours

for the paella in Valencia.

To be fair, you know,
they probably had to grow
the rice.

And then they had to
cook it on that pan

the size of a manhole cover.

(laughter)

Does the paella pan
have to be that big?

Here's you paella,
it's bigger than your table.

(laughter)

I don't know.

Valencia, they're very purist
about their paella.

Very pure.
That is not paella.

That is not paella.

And wherever you go
to eat paella

is the wrong place.

I would never go there.

(laughter)

I would never go there.

And you're like,
have you been there?

No, I've never been there.

(laughter)

You have to eat paella
at lunch, too, right?

Like, if you'd eat it
at dinner,

that is not paella.

(laughter)

Paella is only at lunch.

This guy's impression of
Valencians is way off.

(laughter)

There a-- the, uh--

There's some debate about
the origins of paella, right?

Some people think
it's from Catalonia,

and some people think
it's from Valencia,

and there are
different styles, right?

In Catalonia,
the paella has, like,

all the sea monsters
mixed in with the rice,

with like a witch's--
a witch's wooden handle
stirring it.

And then in Valencia,
they have, like,
delicious things

like snails and rabbit
and other road kill.

(laughter)

But who was the first
to overcook rice?

(laughter)

We don't know.

(applause)

We don't know.

And sadly,
we may never know.

We may never know.

Valencia, I had horchata.

"Orchada." I don't know.

(laughter)

"Orshada,"
"orchada."

Which is this refreshing
white liquid that,

after I drank it,
they were, like,

that's made from tiger nuts.

(laughter)

I didn't-- I didn't know
there were tigers here.

(laughter)

And they're like, no,
it's a nut that looks like
a tiger's nut.

(laughter)

Doesn't make me feel better.

(laughter)

Valencia,
they have the falles.

Right?
The falles, which is--

it's a festival
honoring Saint Joseph,

and how they honor him is

they dress up in
old timey clothes
and burn things.

'Cause nothing says culture
more than

lighting things on fire.

Hey, you know how Hitler
burned a lot of books?

What if we did that
of images of people
that are still alive?

We could do that.
You know how, like,

they protest in
the Middle East?

What if we did that
as a festival?

(laughter)

There's also in, uh,
Valencia,

there's the Tomatina, right?

The Tomatina,
which is a festival

which is just
a tomato fight.

And I was, like, how--
I asked, I was like,

did this start, like,
was there a saint that was
killed by tomatoes, or--

Saint Tomato of Bob
or something?

And they're like, no,
it was just an old guy
threw a tomato

and we turned it into
a festival.

I'm like, is-- is that how
all festivals start here?

It's like, you know what?
I tripped on the way here.

-Let's turn that into a party.
-(laughter)

We can do that as a party.
Everything can be a party.

(laughter)

In Madrid, I saw the statue of
the Devil.

You know there's a statue of
the Devil in Madrid?

The fallen angel which--
that's the Devil.

I don't know how that
would even come up.

It's like, who else
should we do a statue of?

(deep voice)
How about the Devil?

(laughter)

Who invited that guy?

(laughter)

No, there's a statue of
the Devil.

In America, we're
taking down statues

of the Confederacy,

and Spain,
a Catholic country,

there's a statue of
the Antichrist.

Like, how do you even
justify that?

Well, you know, the Devil,
you know, wasn't all bad.

-(laughter)
-You know.

Devil did some good things,
you know, he--

He went down to Georgia.
He did that.

And he, uh-- he uh--
you know, he was an advocate,

he was the Devil's advocate.

(laughter)

Don't forget about those
deviled eggs, those are tasty.

(laughter)

I went and I saw it,
and the--

the statue of the Devil is
666 meters above sea level.

I'm sure that's
a coincidence.

(laughter)

Hello? We're all gonna die.

(chuckles)

Like, how-- Why? Why?

It's like,
how tall should we make
the Devil statue?

(low voice) 6-6-6.

Well, if you feel
that strongly about it.

Should we go with a fountain?
(deep voice) Of blood.

(deep voice)
Just kidding.

(normal voice)
Yeah, I was gonna say
we're gonna do a fountain,

I don't know where
we'd get the blood.

(deep voice)
I'll provide the blood.

The blood of virgins.

Sorry, I don't know
what possessed me.

(laughter)

(normal voice)
But of course,

nothing is quite
as fascinating

as the, uh, caganer,
right?

The caganer,
if you don't know,

um, the caganer
is a little figurine

of a guy squatting
and doing his business.

And when I say business,

I mean the most disgusting
idea of business.

(laughter)

And behind him is a pile
of his business.

(laughter)

And the first time I was in
Barcelona,

I saw, like, these
little figurines in stores,

and I was, like, ha, ha, ha,
that's disgusting.

(laughter)

And then I learned later on
those little figurines

are part of
the nativity scene.

(laughter)

What?!

So in the nativity scene,

there is Mary and Joseph
and baby Jesus,

and the three kings,

and a guy doing
an outdoor dump.

(laughter)

And eventually, I-- I saw--
someone just sent me a photo

of seeing the image of
the caganer next to the--

And I swear, one of the kings
was holding his gift,

and looking at the caganer,
like, that's his gift?

-You know?
-(laughter)

Caga tio.
I don't understand that.

(laughter)

Cagat-- It's just like--
It's-- It's almost like

Catalonia was like,
what else can we do?

(laughter, applause)

What--
(chuckles)

We got the caganer, but...

how about something weird
for the kids?

(laughter)

Caga tio,
this is gonna sound made up.

(laughter)

It all sounds made up.

It's like, all right,
you know, uh...

a log--

Stickin' with the theme.

-Uh--
-(laughter)

A log that, uh, in December,
kids feed.

-Okay.
-(laughter)

They take care of the log
during December.

They feed it. You know how
you can feed a log.

-And--
-(laughter)

They feed this log,

and then on Christmas Day,
in the spirit of Jesus' birth--

(laughter)

This log that they've
taken care of,

they beat it.

(laughter)

They-- They beat the log...

and sing a song
hoping that the log--

-I'm not makin' it up--
-(laughter)

Like, there's Americans here
goin', this is not true.

(laughter)

And the Catalonians are like,
yeah, he's got--

-It's pretty close.
-(laughter)

They beat the log,
singing that

they want the log
to poop out gifts.

(laughter)

It's like--

You guys don't even need
drugs here.

-(laughter)
-You know what I mean?
It's like--

You're like, drugs?
We don't need 'em.

We don't need 'em.

Have you seen our
holiday traditions?

(laughter)

And I love in that song,

"Poop out some gifts,
but not sardines."

(laughter)

Like, at what point are they
writing a song,

don't forget
the sardine part.

(laughter)

Nobody wants sardines.
Nobody wants sardines.

You're talking about a log
pooping out gifts.

Yeah, but you know what,
sardines are gross.

(laughter)

The sardines,
those are gross, right?

(laughter)

Fascinating.

Fascinating.

Of course,
a Catholic country here,
you know.

In Valencia,
I saw the Holy Grail.

Well, you know, maybe.
Right?

You know,
it's possibly the cup

that Jesus drank from
at the last supper,

-but probably not.
-(laughter)

And there are like, supposedly,
there's two other cups

that are possibly cups
that Jesus drank from at
the last supper,

but probably not.

(laughter)

In fact,
I have a cup at home--

(laughter)

That Jesus
possibly drank from.

But probably not.

It's a sippy cup,
so it's probably...

baby Jesus.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

He's just rude.

I don't know.

Last time I was in Spain,
I had my family with me.

I brought--
I have five kids,

and one of the advantages of
traveling with five children

is it's very similar to
shoveling cash into a furnace.

(laughter)

But it was euros,
so the flames were
pretty colors.

(laughter)

And I had my teenagers
with me, which is--

They-- They're always nice,
they're always pointing out

every insecurity
you've ever had.

(laughter)

Like, hey, Dad,
you know you look fat.

I do know that, thank you.
I do know that.

You know you look like
a tourist.

-I do know that, thank you.
-(laughter)

'Cause I do,
I look like a tourist.

And I've always looked like
a tourist, even as a baby,

I looked like a tourist.

People were like, is that--
that baby's a tourist, right?

(laughter)

That must be a tourist baby.

You know what I mean?

And, uh, tourist is
an ugly word, right?

It's an ugly word.
Nobody wants to be called
a tourist.

Tourist sounds like something
you'd accuse someone of being.

It's like, not only are you
sexist and racist,

you're a tourist.

(laughter)

I am not a tourist.

(laughter)

You know I don't see
geography.

(laughter)

But worldwide,
people dislike tourists, right?

And we-- Everywhere,
people complain.

I love when the Spanish
complain about tourists.

They're like,
I hate those people that
come here and spend money.

(laughter)

So we can have jobs
and take the afternoon off.

(laughter)

They're the worst.

But we all complain about
tourists,

and we say it's 'cause
we think that, you know,

we say it 'cause like
they get in our way,

but really, we don't like
the idea of someone coming
to our town

and having fun.

How dare they come here...

and enjoy our services.

(laughter)

And people say horrible things
about tourists.

Horrible things,
things you wouldn't say

about any other group
of people,

and you can say it
in front of

your most
politically correct friend.

You're like, oh, we should
get rid of all the tourists.

And your friend's like,
we should kill them all.

(laughter)

Well, I don't know about that.

As a result,
nobody ever wants to
look like a tourist,

we always want to mix in,
we're like,

what are the locals doing?
I want to do that.

They're at work.

(laughter)

Can I do that?

(applause)

I want to do that.

We do behave strangely
as tourists,

like when I was with my family,
we visited a bunch of churches.

You never do that
when you're at home.

I never wake up on
a Saturday,

hey, you wanna go check out
some churches?

(laughter)

Uh, never. No.

What if I told you
those churches were
super old and empty?

(laughter)

I still wouldn't want to go.

Most of the churches
we went in were empty.

And, you know,
we went in one church

and there was a mass going on
and that was kind of strange.

It was like, hey,
I know you're in
contemplative prayer,

but I'm gonna do
an Instagram live.

So I'll tag you if you want.

(laughter)

In New York City,
there's a church that
went out of business,

and they turned it into
a nightclub, the Limelight.

And so that means--

I'm sure there are people
that walk by and they're like,

Oh, my gosh, that's where
my parents got married,

and where I first tried
cocaine.

(laughter)

A lot of memories there.

Of course, here in Barcelona,
the most famous Spanish church,

Sagrada Familia,

or as I call it,
Sangria Familiar.

(laughter)

Beautiful church, right?

Started in the 1800s,
still not done.

(laughter)

I'm thinkin',
never gonna be done.

After a hundred years,
I lower my expectations.

(laughter)

You guys gonna finish it?
Mañana, mañana.

(laughter)

-Don't pressure us.
-(applause)

That's one of
Gaudi's masterpieces, right?

Gaudi, such a brilliant mind,

whose approach to--
to architecture was like,

make it beautiful
but make it melting.

(laughter)

We want the buildings to feel
like Spain in August.

(laughter)

Here we're on Las Ramblas.

Everyone check your wallet.

(laughter)

Ramblas,
check your wallet.

I remember the first time
I came to Barcelona,

I landed, I took
an overnight flight,

and I checked into my hotel,
it was like 7 a.m.,

I was like kinda wired,
so I was like,

I'm gonna go walk around.
Where's the Ramblas?

And the hotel person was like,
oh, don't go there.

(laughter)

Don't go there.

I'm like, well, why?
And they're like,
oh, very dangerous.

Lot of pickpockets.

I was like, is it in a--
is it in a different century?

Pickpockets, am I gonna
run into Oliver Twist?

(laughter)

Should I be worried about
being guillotined?

(laughter)

La Ramblas.

And I walked down the--
the Ramblas, and people were
very nice.

They were, in fact, generous.

People coming up to me
offering to sell me drugs.

(laughter)

Do want coke, hash?
No thank you, it's eight
in the morning, but, uh--

(laughter)

And then I would walk back,
same people, coke, hash?

I'm like, no,
didn't change my mind,

uh, but thanks for
checkin' in.

I'm still good on
not wanting drugs at
eight in the morning.

(laughter)

My family was here,
we, uh, visited some castles.

Everyone loves castles,
right?

Those romantic,
magical structures

where dictators used to live.

I love how former
dictator homes are so--

are tourist traps, you know?

That's the effect of Disney
on top of us.

It's like, I'm sure
that murderous despot
who lived there

probably-- I'm sure he was
all about equal rights.

(laughter)

I bet his son was charming.

Went on a castle tour,
which really means

we just paid to walk through
a rich guy's house.

'Cause that's all you do
on a castle tour,
you just walk through.

And this one was furnished,

so all the king's stuff
was there.

It felt kind of like a--
a medieval Air B&B.

I was like, wow,
this is weird.

In 300 years,
are people gonna pay

to walk through
Bill Gates' house?

Like, oh, look at that,
he owned a Mac. Wow.

(laughter)

That's a surprise.

Now you hear about,
occasionally hear about

really wealthy people
living in castles.

I'd be embarrassed to
tell someone I lived in
a castle.

It's like, oh,
where do we live?

Well, we looked at apartments
in the area,

but you know the castle on
the top of the hill?

Yeah, we live in it.

But we're down to earth,
we just have a lot more earth.

(laughter)

The wife wanted a moat,
you know.

Moats, those really
disappeared, right?

People rarely add moats
to their homes anymore.

'Cause I guess there's nothing
less neighborly, right?

There's putting up a fence
and then there's digging a river

around your house that says,
you know, don't come over.

(laughter)

We're not looking for
visitors.

(laughter)

There's very late night culture
in Spain, right?

I feel like you guys kind of
almost brag about it.

You're like, oh,
we eat dinner at 11:00.

We eat dinner at midnight.
We eat dinner when you're
having breakfast.

(laughter)

I'm, like, do any of you
have jobs here?

(laughter)

(chuckles)
How do you do that?

But everything starts later
in Spain,

meals, shows, democracy,

everything starts later,
right?

Everything starts later.

(laughter, applause)

'Cause, of course, there was
the Spanish Civil War,

which is a funny topic.

No, the Spanish Civil War,
and I wanted to learn more
about it,

so I watched some
Youtube videos,

and, uh,
now I understand less.

-But--
-(laughter)

I do know the fascists won,
Franco, won,

and he ruled over Spain
for decades, Franco.

And, of course, he had a son
named James Franco.

(laughter)

Who directed that movie,
"The Disaster Artist,"

but he cast his brother Dave
'cause Spain's all about family.

(laughter)

And Franco-- Someone told me
Franco only had one testicle.

I don't know if that's true,
you know.

I don't want to Google it.

-(laughter)
-You know.

I don't want to get all those
one testicle ads.

(laughter)

You might be interested in
these one testicle underwear.

I don't want that.

(laughter)

Supposedly, Hitler only had
one testicle.

Everyone has that friend
that brings that up,

like it explains something.

You know, Hitler,
he only had one testicle.

Oh, that's why he did those
horrible things.

(laughter)

We gotta keep an eye on
Lance Armstrong.

-(laughter)
-(crowd exclaiming)

I'm sorry, is Lance here?

(laughter)

Besides, I can say that joke
'cause I only have one testicle.

(laughter)

Well, from certain angles.
You know?

(laughter)

That's disgusting.

I thought he was
the clean comedian.

(laughter)

I thought he was.

I love the Spanish food.
Whenever I travel,

I always eat
the local specialty.

You guys are like,
we can tell, Jim,

-we can totally tell.
-(laughter)

We can t-- And there's
nothing more Spanish
than tapas, right?

Tapas, which is kind of like
Spain's sushi.

-Tapas--
-(laughter)

Which is like-- I love how
tapas is talked about like
an activity.

People do tapas, you know,
like it's a form of exercise.

You went jogging?
I did tapas.

(laughter)

Yeah, I did a whole circuit,
I'm exhausted.

When I was in Madrid,
I went to, uh,

the oldest restaurant
called Botín,

which is a restaurant
that's been open since 1725,

and, uh, it really--
the food tasted like it, too.

-And, uh--
-(laughter)

It's weird,
old is not usually

an adjective you want
associated with food.

It's like, oh, these--
oh, this-- these eggs are from
a thousand years ago.

(laughter)

But Botín, I had-- And it's all
traditional dishes,

like, I had the suckling pig.

Uh, which is, you know,
obviously, it's a baby pig

that was torn away from
the mother.

(laughter)

And then I ate it.

(laughter)

I mean, I didn't eat it
in front of the mother.

-You know what I mean?
-(laughter)

I Facetimed, I did.
I was like--

Anything look familiar?

(laughter)

It didn't happen, everyone.

It didn't--
This guy's a monster.

He is a monster.
He's a horrible person,

and I don't like him.

(laughter)

Spanish breakfast, I had, uh,
churros con chocolate.

For breakfast.

Like, I know lunch is
your meal here,

but, you know...

breakfast, the ingredients of
a candy bar,

we're gonna go there?

Like, who came up with that?

Was that, like, what, they ask
an eight-year-old?

I want fried dough

that I can dunk into
a cup of chocolate.

(laughter)

Now, Timmy, we're--
we're gonna give you
a little bit.

I want a cup of chocolate!

(laughter)

Just give him
the damn cup of chocolate.

(laughter)

Tortilla española.
Tortilla española,

that was, I don't know how
to tell you this, uh,

that's an omelet.

(laughter)

Not a tortilla.
Not a tortilla.

Not a tortilla.
I, uh, I don't know,

I-- I g--
I would assume that

a Spanish person would have met
a Mexican by now,

-but--
-(laughter)

That's not a tort--
Maybe the Mexicans are so nice

they didn't want to tell you.

Like, the Spaniards are like,
here's our tortilla española,

and the Mexicans are like,

-bueno.
-(laughter)

Bueno on the tortilla.

That's very good,
that's--

It's tortilla español.

That is, uh, an omelet,
that's a potato omelet.

Even people in Ireland
are like,

I don't need a potato omelet.
No thanks.

But, uh, tortilla,
it's a potato omelet.

And, you know, I've eaten
a lot of omelets.

Jim, we can tell.

And, uh, I-- you know,

I've never really,
uh, wanted a potato one.

(laughter)

What do you want
in your omelet?

Uh, potatoes and is it okay
if we call it a burrito?

Can we do that?

Tortilla española.

Bogadillo.

So there's a
tortilla española sandwich.

(laughter)

Hey, I love carbs.
I do.

(laughter)

But there is a threshold
where you're like--

(laughter)

(chuckles)

You know what? I'll have,
uh, the tortilla española
sandwich,

and, uh,
the potato omelet sandwich.

Can we put-- Can we put
some rice on there?

(laughter)

I'd love some rice
and maybe some pasta.

-Can we put past--
-(laughter)

Just hear me out,
hear me out.

If we put pasta and then,
I don't know,

I feel like there should be
some more in there.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

But you guys love potatoes.
Patatas brava.

Patat--
Imagine the bravery--

(laughter)

Involved...
in putting sauce...

-on potatoes.
-(laughter)

What kind of man is he?

Have you seen how he eats
his potatoes?

(laughter)

With sauce on them.

(laughter)

He is a real man.

(laughter)

Now, I would never come to
your beautiful country,

and tell you that
gazpacho soup is
uncooked tomato soup.

I would never do that.

(laughter)

'Cause that's not
the type of person I am.

I am humbled and gracious,

and I wouldn't say someone was
too lazy to cook it.

-I wouldn't say that.
-(laughter)

This guy's gonna get beat up.

(laughter)

I would even say olé.

Like, when I was at
the flamenco show.

where occasionally someone
would just say olé,

they'd be like, "Olé."

"Olé," and it was just,
like, random,

and, obviously,
it's kind of a cheer,

it's like, you know,

and I was like,
I kind of wanted to say olé.

And-- And every now and then,
someone would look at me

and they'd be like,
not you.

(laughter)

Not you, Gary,
you don't get to say olé.

(laughter)

My favorite, uh,
Spanish food obsession

is your love of jamón.

Oh, my gosh, you guys love--

I thought I liked ham,
you guys are like,

jamón, jamón, jamón.

And you kind of act like
you invented it.

You're like, you must try
the Spanish specialty

called jamón.

I've tried ham.

(laughter)

No, but this is different.

-It's not.
-(laughter)

And there's all those
different--

there's different types of
jamón.

This jamón comes from a pig
that was only fed acorn.

Why would you do that?

(laughter)

Like, I've never been eating
a ham sandwich and be like,

you know what this--

I wish there was
a hint of acorn.

(laughter)

Honey, do we have any
acorn sauce back there?

Jamón, jamón, jamón.

It's like you guys are
making up for the time

when the Moors were here,
you know?

It's like, once we get rid of
these Muslims,

all we eat will be pork.

(laughter)

It will be
jamón, jamón, jamón, jamón.

(applause)

I do love
the general discussion
of the Moors in Spain,

like you guys
talk about them like

they were house guests that
overstayed their welcome.

Oh, that's when
the Moors were here, yeah.

Yeah, they left,
they were here for--

I think they were here
for 800 years.

No, they left.
They left.

I don't know why they left.
I think you killed them.

-I think--
-(laughter)

You killed them and then
you tore off their arms.

Yes, I remember
something like that.

I don't know.

I-- I know there were
questions,

I don't know what exactly
the questions were.

There was an inquisition,
I don't know.

(laughter)

It's almost like you guys
forgot you could eat cows,
you know?

No, you eat the pig,
you fight the cow. Olé.

(laughter)

-Right? Olé. Olé.
-(applause)

Spanish bull fighting,
very--

very controversial, right?

I've only seen clips
on Youtube,

and from what I can tell,
at the beginning

it looks more like
bull avoiding.

It's like-- Woo, woo.
Missed me again.

Is that how
the Spanish fight?
They're like,

you wanna go, bro,
you wanna go?

All right,
let me grab my gold suit
and my red blankie.

(laughter)

And then we're gonna dance.

(laughter)

And then when you're tired,
stab you in the neck.

(laughter)

Olé.

-(laughter, applause)
-Olé

Last time I was in Spain
it was during the, uh,

running with the bulls
in Pamplona.

Pamplona, which sounds like
a form of cancer.

(laughter)

Unfortunately,
it's a Pamplona.

(laughter)

That joke never works,
but I always do it 'cause--

(laughter)

Who doesn't love
a good cancer joke?

No, there's the running with
the bulls every July.

First of all, nobody is
running with the bulls.

All right?

The bulls don't turn into
jogging partners.

(laughter)

People are voluntarily being
chased by bulls

'cause they have
mental problems.

(laughter)

And there's always
a couple of Americans

that run with the bulls,
you know,

and they interview them
the next day in the hospital.

(laughter)

I was here on vacation,
I heard about this running
with the bulls,

and I haven't worked out
in 20 years.

(laughter)

So I had my wife
hold my jamón,

-and I went out there.
-(laughter)

And I got gored right away.

(laughter)

I don't know how
you'd even train

to run with the bulls.

Well, I had my cat
chase me for a week.

(laughter)

Felt like I was ready
after that.

(laughter)

You guys fight the bulls,
you run with the bulls.

Seems odd, but, of course,
in America, we ride the bulls

for no reason.

Like, I-- I w--

How bored do you get
on a ranch?

It's like, eh, you wanna play
poker again?

You know that
terrifying bull?

(laughter)

What if we took turns
riding it?

(laughter)

Why don't we just play poker?

I, uh--

Last year,
I performed at a rodeo

'cause I have
a really good agent.

-And, uh--
-(laughter)

I performed at a rodeo,

and yes,
it was my first rodeo.

It was-- I love that saying,
not my first rodeo,

as if the second rodeo
is when it makes sense.

Oh, now I get it.
People are riding animals

that want to be left alone.

(laughter)

First I thought, wow,
this is an aggressive
petting zoo.

I performed after the rodeo
so I could watch,

it was so impressive.

It was truly dangerous what
these people were doing.

And we live in
a risk averse society.

It's not uncommon to see
a toddler wearing a helmet.

You know,
but like at the rodeo,

there's no safety meeting,
there's no goin',

all right, fellas, no one
wants to see you get hurt.

Well, except everyone
in the stadium.

(laughter)

I don't know.

I was watching at one point
and, uh,

one of the participants
came up to me and he goes,

"You do stand up comedy?
I could never do that.

That terrifies me."

And then, I swear to God,
he proceeded to climb on a bull.

(laughter)

And the world
never made sense again.

(laughter)

The rodeo,
there's different events,

some of them more dangerous,
some different skills,

like there's
the calf roping

where a guy
chases down a calf.

You know how cows are
super fast.

-Well, this is--
-(laughter)

A baby cow that
a grown man chases down

while he's riding a horse,
so it's a fair race.

(laughter)

And he lassos the calf and
he jumps off and he ties it up,

and whoever does it fastest

is most likely to be
a serial killer.

(laughter)

But there's nothing that
competes with the bull riding,

that's the ultimate event
at the rodeo

where people-- these guys
ride these bulls for up to
eight seconds,

which is so impressive,

and not just 'cause
I can't even gargle that long.

I'm, like-- (gargling)
that Scope's spicy.

You know what I mean?

But they ride a bull,
and-- and very rarely

do they even get to
eight seconds,

but when they do,
that's their work day,
eight seconds.

That's gotta change your
perspective on things,

like even waiting for
an elevator,

you're like-- I could've ridden
three bulls, you know?

(laughter)

And eight seconds,
it's not that long,

especially when you consider,
like, a dead body

could ride a bull for like
two seconds.

(laughter)

It's like, you did well,
not as good as a corpse,

but, you know, you did--
you did all right.

My favorite part of the rodeo
was the rodeo clown.

I don't know how they
convinced someone to do
that job.

It's like,
after the rider's thrown
by the furious bull,

we need someone to distract,
maybe antagonize,

the 2400 pound animal.

And me and the fellas,
we're thinkin' that you'd be
good at that.

Me?

Would I have protection?

Uh, you mean like make up?

(laughter)

No, something to protect me
from the bull.

Now, you wouldn't be
out there naked,

you'd be dressed like
a clown.

(laughter)

Why a clown?

It will be hysterical.

For who?
Now, we haven't figured
everything out yet.

(laughter)

Why are they dressed
like clowns?

Do they think a bull's
gonna throw a rider,

and be like, I'm gonna gore
every one in this--

Is that a clown?

(laughter)

Is it my birthday?

(laughter)

Did you guys get me a clown
for my birthday?

I didn't even think
you guys liked me.

Then you go and get me
a clown for my birth--

Rodeo.

Last year, I also
performed at a zoo.

I don't know what's going on
in my career, really.

(laughter)

I might be working my way up
to a dog park, I'm not sure.

(laughter)

Why'd they pick me
for the zoo?

Gaffigan show?
Do it at the animal jail.

(laughter)

Course, a zoo is not
an animal jail.

I mean,
the animals can't leave,

and if they tried to leave
they'd be shot.

(laughter)

But it's not a jail.

I performed at the zoos,
the Toledo, Ohio, zoo,

it was outside,
it was a beautiful zoo,

I could see
some of the animals.

I don't know what
they were thinking,

they were probably like,
who's the new guy?

(laughter)

Wow, that polar bear
really let himself go.

(laughter)

'Cause some animals
do perform at the zoo,

and they reward them
with food,

which is
the same arrangement I have.

(laughter)

That's why I was at the zoo.

I don't know.

It is strange how
humans treat animals.

Like sheep,
we just take their coats,

we shave off their coats
and we dump the sheep
back in the field,

and the sheep are like,
what the hell?!

(laughter)

I'm freezing!

(laughter)

We gather up all the wool
and we leave.

When we return,
we're just wearing sweaters.

(laughter)

Don't even acknowledge it.
Hey, what's up, dumb sheep?

(laughter)

Cows, thankfully, cows have
no idea what's going on.

They just stand there
eating grass and,

oh, look at that.

Farmer's got
a new leather jacket.

(laughter)

Oh, that's a beautiful
leather jacket.

You know who'd love
that jacket is Bessie.

Hey, where is Bessie?

(laughter)

Chickens, we just
take their eggs,

we don't even tell 'em,
we just take 'em and leave.

That's gotta be a big deal for
a hen to lay an egg, right?

They probably want to
tell their friends,

they're like,
I have an announcement.

(laughter)

Well, you know the rooster,

the guy who's really loud
in the morning?

Well, we've been
getting to know each other.

And I guess I'll show you.
Where are my eggs?!

(laughter)

Who took them?

I know it was one of you,
it wasn't the farmer,

he went in for breakfast.

(laughter)

I love when people get upset
at that joke.

(laughter)

That is not funny.

How dare you bring up
a fictitious chicken--

(laughter)

That never existed.

Losing imaginary eggs.

(laughter)

This reminds me.

I want to have
a tortilla española.

-(laughter)
-Bogadillo.

All right,
that is all for me.

Thank you so much.

-(cheering, applause)
-Appreciate it.

(cheering, applause)

Thanks so much.

(cheering, applause)