All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E02.WEB.TBS.en

(Door opens)

Moira: John! Are you awake?

- John!
- What? What's happening?

Your wayfaring thespian has returned!

I-I don't wanna jinx anything,

but the shoot was a triumph.

The local Bosnians are calling
it a stunning re-invigoration

of the "Crows Have Eyes" franchise.

That, of course, is a loose translation.

Oh, well that sounds
great, sweetheart.

John, no need to
get out of bed, dear.

I'm sure you considered
planning a little more fanfare

for my return, but...

oh, it's best to ease back in.

It's 3:30 in the morning,

you said you were
coming in today at noon.

Yes! Noon Bosnian
Mountain Time, that is!

Which was several hours ago, John.

Oh, and what a journey it has been!

Production had me routed through Nairobi

for some reason, and then
our plane was grounded

after flying through a swarm of locusts.

I didn't want to miss
my third connection,

so I took a Bosnian
upper just to keep awake.

Those things are the size of a nickel,

so I only took one,

at least, I think I did.

I may have taken a second
one just to be safe,

because I don't know if I
took that first one, or not.

Either way, I've been up
since eight am three days ago,

with time changes factored in,

and I couldn't be happier to see you!

Oh!

Well Moira, it sounds
like a nightmare of a trip.

Why don't we leave the
unpacking 'til tomorrow,

and just get some rest?

Good idea.

Kids!

- No Moira, it's 3:30.
- David!

Alexis!

- Oh! Who is it?
- Oh my God, what?!

I don't know what you kids
are still doing up so late.

I didn't want to disturb you,

I just wanted you to know that
Mummy got home safe and sound!

- Okay, good night.
- Great.

Okay, if you insist, one quick story.

So, day three of shooting, Hamza and I

find ourselves stuck in a hail storm...

Oh my God, not tonight,
thank you, though.

I'm sorry kids, your mother's
had a rough couple of days.

Moira, why don't we
get to bed, sweetheart?

Ooh, frisky, John.

- Oh! Bye!
- Ewww!

- Eww.
- Ugh!

Subtitle sync and corrections by
ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com.

Moira: No! No one would believe this!

These cannot be real!

What's going on?

Well, instead of sleeping last night,

I decided to just power right through.

You know, best to round
up to an even four days.

And while I was doing
some light reorganization,

I came upon this stack of love letters

written to your father by another woman.

- Okay.
- Best not to be concerned, Alexis.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

- Sure there is.
- Yes. Some of them!

Some of them are even funny!

Listen. Where's that one? Oh! Read this.

(Cackles wildly)

(Clears throat)

"Dearest John-John,

I'm lying here, stuck, sweaty.

All I can think about is you,

and the last night we spent together,

bed shaking... " Ew!

Why are you making me read this?

- I know, right?
- Eugh!

Before your father met me,

he was not quite so selective.

I hesitate to add, he
even had a predilection

for boom boom girls!

Okay, I would like to remind you

that I don't have a therapist anymore.

No, as you said,

there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

No, you've said that
like, three times now.

So I think it's probably for the best

that we put these down,
and we go have a nap, okay?

- Yes. You're right.
- Mhm.

You're right, Alexis,
you're always so right.

(Sighs)

Okay.

All right...

(Sighs)

Just a few more, just
to lull me to sleep.

That's all.

(Car engine starts)

(Light Jazz music plays)

(Bell on door jingles)

(Hurried footsteps thud)

Good morning.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah, I'd like you to
open your cash register,

and give me your money!

Okay, small problem.

Um, our money isn't for sale.

- I'm robbing you!
- Thought so, yeah. Um...

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Hey! Hey! Where do you
think you're going?!

- Here.
- David: So here's the problem.

Our till doesn't currently
have any cash in it,

because my partner is at the bank

getting money for the float.

What about you, what do you have?

A wallet full of debt.

Can someone put
something in a bag, please?!

Um, we only have cloth
totes, I hope that's okay.

- Whatever!
- Would you like some wine?

Okay, yeah, yes, put
some booze in a bag.

Do you drink red wine, or white wine?

Maybe some chilled rose in the back?

I'll get it!

Robber: I'm not letting
you go into the back!

What else?

Cheese goes good with wine.

Suddenly she's a sales associate.

Would you like some cheese?

Uh yeah, I'll take some cheese.

God forbid he be specific.

I guess throw in some brie,

some aged cheddar.

Uh, that tapenade goes
good with the brie.

Tapenades, great, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Do you have bad skin?
- Yeah, sure, just hurry it up!

There you go.

Could you help the man with the door?

- His hands are full.
- Sorry.

- Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.

(Bottles clank)

(Door shuts)

Why do I feel like
we did something wrong?

(Birds chirp)

(Dog barks)

Look at you all dressed
up, Mr. Sporty Spice.

Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run

that we're supposed to be going on,

but I don't think you can run in those.

Tell that to me at
21, escaping the yakuza.

So that's a no on the run, then?

Okay, honestly Ted,
I've had a very traumatic

morning at home, so
going on a run is like,

the last thing that I
wanna do. Also, I forgot.

Okay well, that's
actually like, scary,

because we texted about
it twice last night,

and twice this morning, but anyway,

is everything okay?

Like, other than reading
some very porny love letters

that someone sent my dad, sure.

Like, who holds on to things like that?

I've held on to some things.

Oh my God, should I be worried?

Well, I, I did keep this waterproof watch

that Heather gave me.

Okay, I asked if I should be worried.

I don't know, I think
it's kind of romantic

to hang on to things
from old relationships.

I've certainly kept some
things from our past.

Ted!

I take it that you haven't?

Um, harsh. I for sure have.

Yeah, it's just
that your face is doing

some really weird stuff right now.

No... because you put me on the spot!

There's like, a very long
list of things that I've kept.

Oh, really.

Like what?

Like... that empty
book that you gave me.

- The journal?
- Yes! The journal.

And very likely some jewelry.

Like a ring, or...

- A locket?
- Yes.

The locket you gave me.

I kept that the most.

Oh yeah, it's just funny,

I don't think I've
ever seen you wear it.

I'm just so scared of losing it.

That makes sense.

Okay, well, you have a run to go on,

so I should probably go
and update my journal.

You've never written
in a journal, have you?

No, but um,

one time I did do a book
report on David's diary,

and it was very dark. Okay.

(Door slams)

(Door closed)

Jocelyn!

Moira, you're back.

Did you just let yourself in?

I have been knocking on your door

since the beginning of time!

Although now that I'm standing here,

it's equally possible
that I didn't knock at all.

I suppose we'll never know, will we?

Ah! Sorry. I just need to...

- catch my breath.
- Oh, as do I.

I don't know if you know
what it's like to be mortally

deprived of one's sleep!

I haven't slept in eight months.

- Why's that?
- Because of the baby.

I've had a bit of a
rebirth myself, in Bosnia.

I hope it wasn't as painful as mine.

The music, Jocelyn.

In Bosni-wood, as the industry
will soon be calling it,

I... I picked up some beautiful Sevdah,

that I absolutely must
teach to the Jazzigals!

Would you like to hear me sing

a traditional love song?

I - I would, it's just
the baby's sleeping, so...

Shhh...

(Singing in Bosnian)

(Sings a slow tune)

Yeah... it's a sad one.

I would be feeling it too, if I knew...

what the heck you were singing about.

(Laughs)

Oh...

What are these?

Oh, just some old love letters,

written by another woman,

onto which John has been clutching.

Wow, I have been down this road.

I once found a bag of
Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras.

Burned them.

Except for the ones that were my size.

But this is incomparable, Jocelyn,

there's a perfectly logical
explanation for this!

Oh, there always is.

Woo! Wow. (Laughs)

This little "butterfly"
is quite the writer.

It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose!

Holy cow.

(Birds chirp, cars rumble)

You know, I've never
been robbed before,

and I had friends
that lived in Brooklyn.

Yeah... that was a robbery, right?

I mean, we were robbed.

Right?
Yeah!

Someone walked out of here
with two bags of product,

I mean, I don't know
what else you'd call it.

I mean, he had a weapon, right?

Yeah! Yes.

I mean, it must've been in his pocket,

because he used both
hands to carry the bags

out of the store, but...

I can't believe you
just offered him the wine.

You offered him the skincare, I mean,

we don't know what was
going on under that mask!

He could've had perfect skin.

I can't believe this happened,

I was gone for like, 45 minutes.

Are you guys sure you're okay?

Surprisingly, yes.

- Yeah, I'm not.
- Thanks.

I'm very startled.

It just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I can understand
taking the wine,

but who steals a jar of tapenade?

- And the brie?!
- Yeah, the brie.

Stevie? The brie?

Well, at least we know
if the cops don't get him,

his cholesterol will.

Well, there's no need to
keep talking about it now.

You guys are gonna have to
go through this all again

in much more detail
when the police get here.

Yeah, I um,

I don't know if going
to the police is...

is necessary at this point.

If we want any insurance money

for the things that were stolen,

you have to explain
everything to the police.

I was pretty much in the back

while all of this was going down, so...

Mm, I remember you being
pretty involved, actually.

Yeah well, between the two of you,

I'm pretty sure you
can piece it together.

Yeah. Right? So...

Hey, Twy?

I've always admired your jewelry game.

You just like, pick a few pieces,

and just and wear them to death.

Oh, if you're talking about
my earrings the clasp broke,

so I actually physically
cannot take them off.

Okay, I am experiencing
the same problem.

All of my jewelry is boring.

Is that what I said?

So way back when, all
of my girlfriends and I

used to throw the diamonds
we got from our parents

on a table, and just do
like, a big jewelry swap.

(Sighs)

I wish I had someone
in this town to swap with.

Yeah, I used to think
that a lot growing up,

when I'd see other kids
with their families.

Okay, you just gave me a great idea!

Why don't we do a jewelry swap?

Well, I do have a large collection

of my grandfather's hospital bracelets.

Yum! Um, but I also love

that cute little
locket around your neck.

Well, that makes sense,

because you gave it to me for Christmas,

and I wear it every day.

Yeah, and I always think like,

what would I look like in it?

S... so do you want the locket?

No, Twy, I got it for you.

But what I'm saying
is, let's swap for it.

I have a toe ring that
would look so cute on you!

We're not allowed to wear
open-toed shoes, but um...

maybe I could...

take that bracelet?

Yes! Um, I actually got this
in a swap with Sienna Miller.

And by that I mean it fell off
her wrist at a Halloween party,

and I kept it.

Well, maybe I could come
over on my lunch break,

and we can swap some more stuff!

- Yes, Twy!
- (Laughs)

I mean, I actually
thought this would be like,

a one-for-one situation,

but if you want to open it up...

- Let me help you with that.
- Oh, that's okay, I got it.

No, the necklace.

Oh, right now?

Okay...

(Sighs impatiently)

(Door opens and shuts)

(Shade rattles)

- What are you doing?
- Uh...

word on the street is that

you're in a little hot
water with Moira, huh?

No, everything's fine with Moira.

I just thought she was coming in today.

Look Johnny, everybody likes
to take trips down memory lane,

but you gotta get rid of the evidence.

Do you know what a burnt
under-wire smells like?

Okay, Roland,

I actually don't know
what you're talking about.

Those spicy letters
from Miss Butterfly

that you left out for Moira to find.

How do you know about those letters?

Well, Moira's out
showing 'em around town.

Jocelyn's read 'em.

She told me about some
very racy parts, young man.

Moira is showing my letters?

Yeah, I was talking to Bob about it.

Why were you talking to Bob about it?!

We're trying to save
your marriage, bud!

Although, Gwen thinks
it's probably a lost cause.

She's thinks you might be a sexaholic.

Okay, first of all,

everyone should mind their own business,

and stay out of my affairs.

Affairs, plural? Oh.

There's no affair, okay?

Now, would you unlock the
door, and open the blind?

Jeez, Johnny, I'm on your side, pal.

Unless things get messy,

in that case, I'm gonna
be on Moira's side.

(Clucks tongue)

So I guess it was sort of like a...

a low end poly-blend hooded sweatshirt,

in what I could only describe
as an aubergine color.

And just in case
he changes his outfit,

do you have a rough idea
of his physical description?

Right, um...

Well, I guess, my build.

- That's being generous.
- If I was at my goal weight.

Officer, they mentioned
there was a weapon involved.

Can you describe the weapon?

You describe it.

Well, if there was a
weapon, it was concealed.

Yeah, so you know, it's...
it's sort of hard to describe

a concealed weapon.

Yeah, I mean, if we could
tell you what it looked like,

he wouldn't be doing a
good job of concealing it.

(Laughs nervously) Yeah!

So let me get this straight.

You have no idea what it looks like,

or whether there was
one in the first place.

You guys said you were held up!

Emotionally!

I mean, I don't know if there was a gun,

but it was still a robbery,
he was wearing a mask.

And would we all not agree
that words are weapons?!

Okay, so you offered the wine,

and you offered the
cheese and the tapenade,

and there was no gun?

This guy just sounds like
a lucky customer, David!

- You know what? I am just gonna...
- (pen scratches)

file this report, and you can follow up

if you have any more information.

Yes...

(Door opens and shuts)

(Patrick sighs)

(David clears his throat)

So you upsold the robber.

I did not! I didn't even tell him

about the vintage wines
we have in the back.

Oh. Stevie: Speaking of...

I think we should probably
open one of those bottles,

just to calm the nerves.

Yeah, I thought
you had to go to work.

Great. Great stuff, you guys.

(Low hum of voices from TV)

(Laughs)

- Can I have some more popcorn?
- Oh, sure.

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

I uh, see you're wearing the locket.

Oh! I don't know, am I?

Oh, right.

Well, you proved me wrong, Alexis.

And I have to say, I'm
actually kind of relieved,

because that means that you
also kept favourite photo

of the two of us.

I keep that photo in a
locked folder on my phone.

No, no, I'm talking
about the one in the locket.

Hmm!

Now, this appears to
be a photo of Twyla?

Yes... I put that there.

Because Twyla is an important friend.

And Twyla's mom?

Is her important friend.

You gave the locket
to Twyla, didn't you?

Okay, I would've kept it.

But the necklace just kept reminding me

of all the bad things that I'd done,

and then Twyla gave me a Christmas gift,

and I didn't have
anything to give her...

Okay, Alexis, I think
we should just agree

to stop feeling bad about our past,

and just focus on the future.

Yes, Ted.

And, in that spirit,

I should probably tell you
that I didn't actually keep

everything that you gave me.

That's fine.

Yeah, after the breakup, I uh...

well, I took some of your
stuff to the incinerator,

along with some pets that
needed to be cremated.

- Ew.
- And you think you feel bad?

The wallet that you gave
me was still in there,

and I had forgotten to
take some of the cards out,

and I was actually only one
stamp away from a free sub, so.

Okay well, if it makes
you feel any better,

that was David's wallet.

(Ted laughs)

(Door opens)

Well, well, "John-John" returns.

Okay, Moira, don't tell
me you still haven't slept.

What would give you that impression?

Sweetheart, you've got to find a way

of getting some sleep!

Easier said than done, John,

when your only husband is longing for

his epistle-writing inamorata.

You know what, if
you had taken a nap,

and cleared your head,

instead of running around town

showcasing our personal business...

When we were herded from our home,

and forced to grab what
few precious items we could,

you chose to grab those letters!

- That's right.
- Who is this woman?!

Oh... okay.

If you must know,

she's someone who's
very important to me.

Oh?

Moira, you wrote those letters!

Don't be absurd,
that is not my writing!

It was that week on "Sunrise Bay"

when Vivian Blake had her accident,

you were in a body cast, they
wouldn't let you take it off.

You were writing with your left hand!

The spelunking incident.

No.

It was after she got thrown
upwards through a skylight.

- (Realizing gasps)
- Look...

"I'm lying here in bed,

I can't move, I miss you."

It's all there, Moira.

You're telling me none
of this rings a bell?

In my defense, John,

I had asked for actual painkillers,

to help ease me into
my character's plight.

But why are you reading them now?

(Sighs)

I was missing you,

so I took out the letters,

because reading them made me

feel like you were still here with me.

Oh, you're too sweet.

Unfortunately, we're
going to have to stick with

my version of the events.

What? Why would we do that?

I don't want anyone
thinking I wrote these!

Well, I don't want
people thinking I'm reading

some other woman's love letters!

Well, it'll give you an edge.

No one will ever accuse
you of being vanilla again.

Who's saying that?

No kids, I understand that
you both have read

a somewhat adult-themed correspondence

between a loving wife and her husband?

Yeah, and I'd prefer if you
could stop talking about it.

This is why I think it's
best to torch everything

from past failed relationships.

I'd hardly call this a
failed relationship, David.

We're still here, 35 years later.

Okay, here we go.

I know you asked for a small,

but I "swapped it" for a large.

Twyla, may I say, you
are looking very chic.

Johnny: Would you look at
that? That looks like the tiara

you wore at your bat mitzvah, Alexis.

Well, I had a little
help from a friend.

We should probably coordinate a time

to swap everything back.

Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.

(Giggles)

And what exactly did you
get out of this fun swap?

I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags.

And a whistle. Moira: Caw! Caw!

Oh! (Speaking Bosnian)

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's just sleeping.

Well, I'm ready to order.

Okay, can somebody close
her eyelids, at least?

- Please?
- (Snoring)

Subtitle sync and corrections by
ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com.