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2
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,662
He's a madman!
3
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,458
I must warn the president!
4
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,296
Giant spider!
5
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:02,478
And they say you scientists
are supposed to be smart.
6
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,995
The legendary Captain James West.
7
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,248
And I finally got him all to myself.
8
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:30,835
And surely you should feel free
to treat him just...
9
00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:32,920
-...bad.
-Ohh.
10
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,973
Um....
11
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,267
Darling....
12
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,479
Hold on to that for me for one second,
would you?
13
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:59,989
General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all
for a week, you show up now.
14
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:04,285
Jim. You wouldn't be working
up here tonight, now would you?
15
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:08,956
Working? Now would you be working
if you were up here with you?
16
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,917
I didn't think so.
17
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,629
Wagon's coming!
18
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,763
Come on, McGrath's waiting
on this stuff.
19
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,650
Pack it up good, Virgil.
20
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,485
Next stop, New Orleans.
21
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,710
I'm not working!
22
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,754
Problem solved.
23
00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:01,676
You can't just ram a man's personal things
into some hole like that.
24
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,552
Is that so?
25
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,721
I didn't mean it like that.
26
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,974
Damn, this crate's heavy!
27
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,980
Oh, Jim!
28
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,317
Much as I'd like to take credit for that,
you might wanna hand me my gun.
29
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,952
Uh-oh!
30
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,425
Whoo!
31
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,971
That was fun! Which one of you boys
wants to strip down and go next?
32
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,765
Bet you do. Huh?
33
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,603
Sure could use some clothes here!
34
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,027
Well, well.
35
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:02,945
We got us a shy nig--
36
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:11,871
Pants!
37
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,325
There was blood on the saddle
38
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,243
And blood on the ground
39
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,163
And a great big puddle of blood
40
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,998
All around
41
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,470
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That won't be possible. I have...
42
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:11,013
...tonsillitis.
43
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,856
I'm still waiting on my guns
and ammunition.
44
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,275
I see my men have brought
your merchandise.
45
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,069
General McGrath...
46
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,863
...your weapons are being delivered
as we speak.
47
00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:31,242
Now, shall we go upstairs
and check the merchandise?
48
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,245
Direct me to the poot, sir.
49
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,039
I want something young and creamy.
50
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,501
A gamer that takes to the crop
and the spur.
51
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,212
You drive a hard bargain.
All right, 50 cents.
52
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,715
I'm very flattered,
but I'm just not interested.
53
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,260
You gotta be interested.
You're a whore!
54
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:53,722
I may be a whore, but I work alone!
55
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,452
Now I'm working.
56
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:27,840
Ma'am.
57
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,055
Nitro!
58
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:40,060
This is not the way
you transport nitro!
59
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,980
Whoa!
60
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,942
What's your name, missy?
61
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,526
Dora.
62
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,862
My mother's name was Dora.
63
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,656
Oh, really?
64
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,700
What kind of lady are you?
65
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,496
She's mine!
66
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,792
I feel like a ditty.
67
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,919
Go on, girl! Sing!
68
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,964
Okay, it's a ditty.
69
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,549
"Sons of the South."
70
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,510
Here you are.
71
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,724
Ohh.
72
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:02,977
Tempo.
73
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,856
Whoa!
74
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,276
Whoa!
75
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,789
All right. Okay....
76
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,457
Back on up now.
77
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,640
General "Bloodbath" McGrath.
78
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,436
Sons of the South, come to glory
79
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,271
Sons of the South
80
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,064
Arise
81
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,068
Sons of the South, come to glory
82
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,156
Come, come, come, arise
83
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,965
That's a lot of ham
for these skinny legs, let me tell you!
84
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,846
Oh!
85
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,598
That's a new one. Look!
86
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,728
Let me out! Please!
87
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,439
-This room's occupied.
-I'll say.
88
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,656
Don't let the ear frighten you.
89
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,450
I lost it at Chickamauga.
90
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,410
Really? One can hardly notice.
91
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:47,539
Would you help me undress?
I always have trouble undoing this clasp.
92
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,208
Thank you.
93
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,171
What's this?
94
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,632
Why, it's a deep, deep pool.
95
00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:01,220
Maybe it's your old swimming hole,
general. Are you feeling sleepy?
96
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,763
Yes, I'm sleepy.
97
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,349
Now you'll be my little doggy.
98
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,602
When I say "speak," you'll tell me
everything. Understood?
99
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,314
Very good. Tell me,
who's in that sack in the other room?
100
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,691
Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak.
101
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,613
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
102
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,741
Who do you work for?
Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
103
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,036
No, watch the swirling spiral.
Watch the--
104
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,329
Bad dog!
105
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,998
Bad dog! Watch-- Oh. Damn!
106
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,667
Stay! Stay!
107
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,836
Bad dog!
108
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,218
Didn't mean to startle you.
Looked like you could use help.
109
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,804
Looks can be
deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.
110
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:45,389
I'm sure you are, ma'am.
111
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:49,268
Big, sturdy gal like you
probably gets top dollar too.
112
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,520
Here you go.
113
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,899
Run along. I'm gonna sing
my old friend McGrath a lullaby.
114
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,526
I need him!
115
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:01,530
You got your money. Run along!
Have a little dignity.
116
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,865
West!
117
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,582
West!
118
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,964
That'd be an awful career decision.
119
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,101
West! West! Go! Go get him!
120
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,450
Get Escobar out of here!
121
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,577
Stop or I'll squeeze.
122
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,916
U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, lady!
123
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,918
I'm not a lady! I'm a U.S. marshal!
124
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,003
Stay out of my way!
125
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,757
"Get out of my way, get out of my way.
126
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,842
U.S. Army.
127
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,427
U.S. marshal."
128
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,137
Oh, dear!
129
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,766
Federal agents inside, sir.
130
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,770
So Miss Lippenreider informs me,
Mr. Hudson.
131
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,193
Still, I believe
good manners dictate...
132
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,196
...that we should send out
the welcome wagon.
133
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:34,706
Now what?
134
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,906
Whoa.
135
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,512
Whoa, there, partner!
136
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,056
The war may have got you
40 acres and a mule...
137
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:37,144
...but you can't just traipse into the
president's office. Give me that gun.
138
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,229
What, that one?
139
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,398
What about that one?
140
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,612
Whoop!
141
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,864
-That'll get you killed.
- Gentlemen!
142
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:52,576
Don't make Captain West any later
than he already is.
143
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,291
There've been a lot of death threats.
144
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:02,377
The Cabinet made me hire
these damned detectives.
145
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,464
Drink? Cigar?
146
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,507
Don't mind if I do, sir.
147
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,636
So I understand you let
General McGrath get away.
148
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,096
That's not exactly the way it happened.
149
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,642
-Some half-a-sissy masquerading as--
-Artemus Gordon.
150
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,060
You know him?
151
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,688
Of course. He's the best marshal
I've got. A kind of genius.
152
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:26,610
Gordon has proven himself as a cunning
operator, with a rapacious intellect.
153
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,488
Nothing will stop him
from completing a mission...
154
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:33,283
...except maybe the impulsive actions
of a headstrong cowboy.
155
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,410
Who are you, mister?
156
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,704
What do you mean, who am I?
157
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,040
I am the President of the United States.
158
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,541
Wrong answer.
159
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,588
Who are you?
160
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,967
I am the President of the--
I'm Artemus Gordon.
161
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,261
How did you know?
162
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,933
The President went to West Point.
That says Harvard.
163
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,768
Very observant.
164
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,190
Somebody mind telling me
what's going on?
165
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,025
President Grant, um....
166
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,445
Sir, these are perilous times.
167
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:14,408
I was merely demonstrating how someone,
using the art of disguise...
168
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,745
...could penetrate into the very bowels
of the White House, sir.
169
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,374
You're clever, Gordon.
One day it's going to get you killed.
170
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,793
Like today.
171
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:30,841
And, West, not every situation calls for
your approach of "shoot first...
172
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,843
...shoot later, shoot some more...
173
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,221
...then when everybody's dead,
try to ask a question or two."
174
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,223
Working together will be good.
175
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,600
-Working together?
-With all due respect--
176
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,729
You'll work the way your
Commander in Chief tells you to.
177
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,440
Well, I was coming to that, sir.
178
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:58,285
Gentlemen, America's top scientists...
179
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,288
...in the fields of physics,
hydraulics, explosives...
180
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:06,126
...all kidnapped in the last year,
and all by General McGrath, it now appears.
181
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,546
You two have been working
on the same case the whole time.
182
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,340
Why did it take so long
to figure it out?
183
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,470
One of us was trying to catch McGrath,
and the other was trying to marry him.
184
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,096
We don't have time for this.
185
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,349
Only one week, if we believe this.
186
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,853
"General Grant,
the scientists you seek...
187
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,647
...are in my employ creating
a weapons system...
188
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,317
...beyond the pale
of contemporary imagination.
189
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,986
I suggest you put
your affairs in order.
190
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,865
You have one week before you will
surrender the U.S. government."
191
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,160
The letter was delivered today
with that cake.
192
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,207
-It's marzipan, isn't it?
- Careful.
193
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,252
It's McGrath, sir.
194
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,714
McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not.
195
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,176
So whom do we seek?
After consulting with Intelligence--
196
00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:59,346
McGrath is on his way to New Orleans.
The longer we stay here...
197
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,973
...the farther he gets.
I don't need Intelligence.
198
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,850
You'd rather rely on stupidity.
199
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,936
I am leaving today for Utah...
200
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:10,065
...where the transcontinental railroads
will be joined at Promontory Point.
201
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,567
You two are the best I've got.
202
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,778
Put aside your differences...
203
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:18,532
...and find this madman,
whoever he is, and stop him.
204
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,867
You have one week.
205
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,410
Dismissed.
206
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,545
Gentlemen.
207
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,839
The Wanderer is at your disposal.
208
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,216
Engine number five, track six.
209
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,427
Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.
210
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,263
Thank you.
211
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,687
-Figures.
-My new invention.
212
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:53,817
The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion
Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle.
213
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,945
Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah!
214
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,992
Not if I catch it first.
215
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,207
Avanti!
216
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,600
Nice horse!
217
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,247
Gordon!
218
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,666
Gordon!
219
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,838
Stop the train!
220
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,555
Hey! I'm warning you!
221
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,265
Gordon! Stop the train!
222
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,893
Come in. Have a seat.
223
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,978
Stop the train!
224
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,314
Stop smiling at me!
225
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,451
How nice of you to drop in.
226
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,411
All right....
227
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:33,959
Let's drop the beards, the bikes,
the fake boobies.
228
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,337
Let's set that needlepoint aside
and handle this like men.
229
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,882
As a matter of clarification,
this is not needlepoint.
230
00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,176
This is needlepoint.
231
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,513
I'm putting the final touches
on my latest invention.
232
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,848
I call it The Impermeable.
233
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,892
It's a vest.
When worn under clothing...
234
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,229
...it can stop any bullet,
fired even at close range.
235
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,815
-Is that so?
-But I haven't tested it fully yet.
236
00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,024
Guns.
237
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,696
I find them primitive and unnecessary
if one's done one's proper planning.
238
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:07,367
I have always felt that allowing any
situation to degenerate into violence...
239
00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:09,661
...constitutes a failure on my part.
240
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:10,996
Well, Mr. Gordon...
241
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,706
...you failed.
242
00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:20,964
All right, Mr. West,
we'll settle this...
243
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,091
...like men.
244
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,441
Ding!
245
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,489
I love this train.
246
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:50,910
-Cheers!
-Gordon!
247
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,414
While you're down there,
feel free to make use...
248
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:57,584
...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail
Vehicular Egressor.
249
00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,794
I designed it myself!
250
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:06,217
I've been thinking.
Maybe the president's right.
251
00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:10,221
We should put aside our differences
and work together.
252
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:16,102
Fight each other all you please.
Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs.
253
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,313
That's my truffle reduction sauce.
254
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:22,192
Let's get on about our
president's business, shall we?
255
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,152
-Where to?
-New Orleans.
256
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,738
-Why don't we let Professor Morton decide?
- Who?
257
00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:30,283
I don't need some nobody professor
telling me where to head.
258
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:35,413
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.
259
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:40,293
Expert in the field of metallurgy.
Discovered in a field of alfalfa.
260
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:42,462
That's a man's head.
261
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:47,175
This magnetic collar was found about
six feet away, near his body.
262
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,219
Still trying to figure that out.
263
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:50,595
That's a man's head.
264
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:55,391
According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory, a dying person's last image...
265
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,937
...burns into his eyeball like a photo.
Perhaps there's a clue.
266
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:02,315
I give you Morton's last image.
267
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:06,069
That's a man's head.
268
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:18,790
Refraction of the lenses causes the image
to appear upside down, so we simply....
269
00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:28,800
That...
270
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,761
...is a man's...
271
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:35,974
...head.
272
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,059
Voilà!
273
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,146
McGrath.
274
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,857
Something's in his pocket.
It's too fuzzy to see.
275
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,359
Mortification of the aqueous humor's
led to a loss--
276
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:47,694
Glasses.
277
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:58,288
"Friends of the South, come to
a costume ball, April 14, half past 8.
278
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,165
346 Pine Court, Garden District."
279
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,709
New Orleans.
280
00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:19,684
Gypsy queen...pirate....
281
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:22,854
Ah. How about this?
Come as my manservant.
282
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,440
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!
283
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:29,611
I swears I'd be delighted!
I sing, I dance for you, sir.
284
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:33,990
I swears none of the white folks'll
know I'd rather shoot myself...
285
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,326
...than play your damn manservant.
286
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,578
You must wear something.
It's a costume party.
287
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,538
This is all I need to wear.
288
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,790
If you insist on a firearm,
I have something...
289
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,710
...you'll find intriguing.
I designed it to go...
290
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:47,545
...with this.
291
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,840
Jim West does not wear costumes.
292
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,717
Very well. What's your plan?
293
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:56,012
I was thinking I'd go
as a government agent...
294
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,389
...who'll kill
General Bloodbath McGrath.
295
00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:02,602
An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a
room full of white former slave owners.
296
00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,187
You'll win first prize.
297
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:07,982
Listen, the art of disguise
is what we need to get into the party...
298
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,193
...to find the kidnapped scientists...
299
00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:13,988
...before they're forced to create
something that'll destroy the U.S.
300
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,991
You and I have been handpicked
by the president.
301
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:20,954
Our freedom is at stake,
and this is our duty as men.
302
00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,957
You go as a riverboat captain,
and I'll be a saloon girl.
303
00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,418
Let me tell you something about
your art of disguise.
304
00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:31,047
That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult
to see you weren't a woman.
305
00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:33,132
I was propositioned by three men.
306
00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:34,801
You looked nasty.
307
00:26:35,052 --> 00:26:36,678
Just butt-ugly.
308
00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:39,555
I mean, your breasts
were hard and stiff...
309
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,934
...and stuck out like a couple
of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
310
00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:45,561
These breasts are a work of art.
311
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,189
Aesthetically
and scientifically perfect.
312
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:49,899
They look like shit.
313
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:53,653
-Touch them.
-I'm not touching those.
314
00:26:53,904 --> 00:26:55,697
Afraid you're wrong?
Touch my breasts!
315
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,740
Just one. Touch one!
316
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:00,660
Happy? I'm touching them.
317
00:27:00,911 --> 00:27:02,036
I knew it!
318
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:03,705
Squeeze it gently.
319
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,417
Not that hard! Now you've shifted
all the buckwheat around.
320
00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,294
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
321
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:11,713
What are you doing?
322
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,142
Now touch my breast.
323
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:31,274
-Oh.
-Eh? That's what a breast should feel like.
324
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,650
Very nice.
325
00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:36,446
- Now touch yourself.
- Oh, my God, I'm hard!
326
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:42,618
I was just gonna jot down a note.
327
00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,707
You could put a gun on that.
328
00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:49,876
Then where would I keep my pencil?
329
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:54,130
I think you underestimate
the convenience of a pocket.
330
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,411
What are you doing here, boy?
331
00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:27,705
I sorry, sir.
332
00:28:28,207 --> 00:28:29,374
I was hoping....
333
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:31,918
I was hoping I wouldn't...
334
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,129
...have to break your nose.
335
00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:52,271
White folks.
336
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,858
Get your hands off me!
337
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,862
Put me in the dungeon with those smelly,
bearded men, but I won't get on that!
338
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,240
-You applied for the position.
-A standing-up one!
339
00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,409
I'm an entertainer.
340
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:10,415
Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it.
341
00:29:22,136 --> 00:29:26,431
An authentic cowboy outfit,
complete with six-guns.
342
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:29,976
What a terribly clever costume, Mr...?
343
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:31,185
West.
344
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,522
-Jim West.
-West.
345
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:37,400
Well, West meets East.
346
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:40,319
-Mae Lee East.
-Ma'am.
347
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,031
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
348
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:49,162
I'm looking to surprise an old friend,
General McGrath. You haven't seen him?
349
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:53,124
I don't think that name was on our
guest list. And I would know.
350
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,294
I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant.
351
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,212
Dr. Arliss Loveless?
352
00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:00,256
Funny how some folks think he's dead.
353
00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:03,843
Tonight is his coming-out party.
354
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:10,808
See anybody that looks familiar?
355
00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:13,853
Matter of fact, I do.
356
00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:15,354
I am jealous.
357
00:30:15,606 --> 00:30:16,772
Don't be.
358
00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:24,489
Meet me later in the foyer.
359
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,538
Mine eyes have seen the glory
360
00:30:32,706 --> 00:30:34,540
Of the coming of the Lord
361
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:39,170
He is trampling out the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are stored
362
00:30:39,421 --> 00:30:43,883
He has loosed the fateful lightning
Of His terrible swift sword
363
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:48,804
His truth is marching on
364
00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:10,034
Don't you just hate that song?
365
00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:21,546
Why, y'all look like
you've seen a ghost.
366
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,007
It's me, dear friends.
367
00:31:25,759 --> 00:31:27,760
Alive and kicking.
368
00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,097
Well, alive, anyway.
369
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,432
We may have lost the war...
370
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:37,311
...but heaven knows we haven't lost
our sense of humor.
371
00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:41,857
No, not even when we lost a lung...
372
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:43,693
...a spleen...
373
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,486
...a bladder...
374
00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,697
...two legs...
375
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,908
...35 feet of small intestine...
376
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:55,871
...and our ability to reproduce,
all in the name of the South!
377
00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:59,458
Do we ever lose our sense of humor?
378
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,131
Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...
379
00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:08,426
...to our friends from across the sea
for their comfort...
380
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,511
...and kindness.
381
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,307
So mi casa es su casa!
382
00:32:17,227 --> 00:32:20,605
Let the party begin!
383
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,984
Mr. West.
384
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,407
How nice of you to join us...
385
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:34,493
...and add color
to these monochromatic proceedings.
386
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:36,245
When one comes back
from the dead...
387
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:39,123
...I find that an occasion to stand up,
be counted.
388
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:44,712
Miss East informs me that you expected
to see General McGrath here.
389
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:46,255
I knew him years ago...
390
00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:50,051
...but I haven't seen him
in a coon's age.
391
00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:53,512
It'd be difficult
for a man of your stature...
392
00:32:53,764 --> 00:32:56,015
...to keep in touch with
even half the people you know.
393
00:32:56,850 --> 00:33:01,437
Perhaps Miss East will keep you
from being a slave to your disappointment.
394
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:04,607
Beautiful women encourage you
one minute...
395
00:33:04,858 --> 00:33:06,817
...then cut the legs out
from under you.
396
00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,111
Quite. Will you excuse me?
397
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:11,906
Thank you.
398
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:35,388
- General McGrath.
- Yes, sir.
399
00:33:49,903 --> 00:33:53,197
You're in for a big surprise
when you get this one in the saddle.
400
00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:56,617
Stupid cowboy!
401
00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:58,994
He mistake you for me.
402
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,255
Dr. Loveless, our cause is
in a grave situation.
403
00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:13,843
Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,
lice and demoralization has set in--
404
00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,220
General McGrath, if I may interrupt.
405
00:34:16,513 --> 00:34:19,223
Your men will have
their weapons tonight...
406
00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:24,270
...and they will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century.
407
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:26,355
So have your men...
408
00:34:26,773 --> 00:34:27,815
...here...
409
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,069
...at 10:00 tonight.
410
00:34:34,156 --> 00:34:36,157
You, sir, are a pip.
411
00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:39,201
I'd follow you
into the jaws of Cerberus hisself.
412
00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:41,412
And so you shall.
413
00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:21,410
Help! Please! Somebody help me out!
414
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:50,314
I said to meet me in the foyer.
415
00:35:50,732 --> 00:35:51,941
Foyer?
416
00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,610
I've never been much good with French.
417
00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,617
Au contraire.
418
00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,871
So let's see, Mr. West.
419
00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:10,042
Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...
420
00:36:10,293 --> 00:36:13,045
...or just a handsome cowboy...
421
00:36:13,255 --> 00:36:14,338
...who likes to...
422
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,549
...poke around?
423
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:19,593
I believe I'm that second one.
424
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,515
East and West.
425
00:36:27,477 --> 00:36:30,312
Never the twain shall meet.
426
00:36:57,507 --> 00:36:58,799
Oh!
427
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,886
First, I'd like to reiterate
that you make one ugly woman.
428
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,220
Okay.
429
00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:07,224
Second, while you were out here,
I found out Dr. Loveless...
430
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,894
...is meeting McGrath and his troops
in an hour.
431
00:37:10,145 --> 00:37:12,104
You go right ahead, enjoy the party.
432
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:13,981
I'm gonna save the Republic.
433
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:17,192
By the way, boobies look great tonight.
Nice and perky!
434
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,820
Oh!
435
00:37:21,531 --> 00:37:22,990
Hang him!
436
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:37,087
We need to teach y'all a lesson
about how to behave in polite society.
437
00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,175
Never drum on a white lady's boobies
at a big redneck dance. Got it.
438
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,719
Whoo! Sure am glad
we got that cleared up.
439
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,611
My God!
440
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,280
Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding?
441
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,200
I feel I know you from somewhere.
442
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:07,868
Nice try, buster.
443
00:38:08,078 --> 00:38:10,871
I look like something out
of James Fenimore Cooper...
444
00:38:11,081 --> 00:38:12,957
...but I mean you no harm.
445
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,959
My name is Artemus Gordon...
446
00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:18,379
...and if I'm not mistaken,
you're in trouble. Allow me.
447
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:21,632
I'm Rita.
448
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:23,801
I was hired as an entertainer.
449
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:26,387
Not that I'm complaining,
but why are you here?
450
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:31,141
I'm looking for some missing scientists,
not that I'm complaining.
451
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:40,067
I'm a special U.S. marshal
on assignment from the president.
452
00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:42,820
If you're so special,
how come you're looking up here...
453
00:38:43,029 --> 00:38:45,072
...when Loveless has them
in the dungeon?
454
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,157
The dungeon has been cleared out.
455
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:51,787
I checked it after sampling the gumbo,
which was a bit heavy on the okra.
456
00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:54,915
There you are.
457
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:56,959
Thank you. Artemus, was it?
458
00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,502
It was.
459
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:01,130
I don't forget a face that easily.
460
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,051
Like to have everybody's attention.
461
00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:10,472
We've had a series of major
misunderstandings this evening...
462
00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,767
...and I'd like to take a minute
to clear a few of them up.
463
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:16,145
First of which...
464
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:19,023
...the whole drumming
on the boobies thing.
465
00:39:19,649 --> 00:39:20,733
In my native land--
466
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,110
- Georgia?
-Africa.
467
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:27,281
--my ancestors used drums
to communicate between villages.
468
00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,408
I'm sure y'all can see how...
469
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:32,995
...with this gal, we can communicate
all the way to Baton Rouge.
470
00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,249
On a clear night,
we might even get Galveston.
471
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:40,544
All I was saying to the gal was,
"Nice dress, darling.
472
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,714
Good to see you. My name's Jim.
How's your mama?"
473
00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:46,300
Then there was the redneck comment.
474
00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:49,428
And I'm getting the sense
that y'all took that negatively.
475
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:51,388
But let's break down that word.
476
00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:53,348
"Redneck."
477
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:57,603
Red.
Color of passion, fire, power.
478
00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,938
Neck.
479
00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:04,026
Neck....
480
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,575
I can't think of anything for "neck,"
but y'all still got "red."
481
00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:13,827
That's something to be proud of.
482
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:16,789
And between us,
the whole slavery thing...
483
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,750
...I don't understand
what the big deal was anyway.
484
00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:23,087
Who wouldn't want folks
running around doing chores?
485
00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:25,964
Are you gonna get your big,
fat ass out of bed...
486
00:40:26,216 --> 00:40:28,592
...and pick your own damn cotton?
487
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:29,802
I don't think so.
488
00:40:30,053 --> 00:40:33,305
So let's head on inside,
knock us back some shine.
489
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,516
Kick this shindig off
the right way!
490
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:38,435
Come on! Put this thing away.
491
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:40,938
Come on! Let's go inside!
492
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:42,189
Let's hang him!
493
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:44,608
All right, hold on. Hold on!
494
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:49,613
I stand before you as a man realizing
that I've done something wrong.
495
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:52,825
I'd like the opportunity
to make it right.
496
00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:56,078
-Will you marry me?
-Huh!
497
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,330
"Huh!" That means "no." Darling, listen.
498
00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,707
Would it help if I said
I thought you were a man?
499
00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:14,847
Something's funny about that rope!
500
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,310
Thank you! We had a lovely time!
501
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:28,527
"Hang him! Hang him!"
I ought to shoot you right now.
502
00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:32,906
Allow me to introduce you to
my trigger-happy partner, James West...
503
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,993
...who doesn't realize
that my Expanding Rope invention...
504
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:40,539
...was a diversion allowing me
to search for the missing scientists.
505
00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:42,708
-Scientists?
-Yes.
506
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:47,171
This is Rita. I found her
in a cage in Loveless' bedroom.
507
00:41:47,422 --> 00:41:48,589
She's an entertainer.
508
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,800
I'm afraid I haven't been
quite honest with you.
509
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:53,343
My name is Rita Escobar.
510
00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:57,472
I came to find Guillermo Escobar,
the scientist. My father.
511
00:41:57,724 --> 00:42:00,601
Sorry to interrupt,
but I gotta get to Malheureux Point.
512
00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,227
Malheureux Point?
513
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,689
Hyah!
514
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,150
He's so impetuous.
515
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,069
Yes, he's an idiot.
516
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:20,454
Well, general, it's been
a long journey from New Liberty.
517
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,207
Not a day goes by
that I don't contemplate it.
518
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:24,416
So do I.
519
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:29,254
If I'd had the scientific understanding
of gunpowder and primers I have today...
520
00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:30,923
...I might've been standing here.
521
00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:32,216
That's not what I meant.
522
00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:35,010
You meant the stomach-churning
carnage...
523
00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:38,764
...that earned you
your unfortunate nom de guerre.
524
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:41,892
What was that nickname again?
525
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,689
Bloodbath McGrath.
526
00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:51,902
The Butcher of New Liberty.
527
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,991
They ought to be here by now.
528
00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,494
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
529
00:43:00,954 --> 00:43:04,831
We're supposed to wait
exactly on this here spot.
530
00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:58,427
You sawed-off sadistic bastard!
You betrayed us!
531
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:02,848
Having donated half my being to create
a weapon capable of doing this...
532
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:05,559
...how did you and General Lee
repay my loyalty?
533
00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:09,146
You surrendered at Appomattox!
So who betrayed whom?
534
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,649
Munitia, make note the turret speed
must be accelerated.
535
00:44:12,942 --> 00:44:15,652
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
536
00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,030
Scream, scream....
537
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:19,406
"Help me."
538
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:20,949
"Do not pull my arm!"
539
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:23,952
I demand you give the order to stop
this slaughter now!
540
00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,664
We'll need more loading drills.
I hear too much time between screams.
541
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,417
Give them the order to desist!
542
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:35,422
I understand your distress,
but these men are not dying senselessly.
543
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:39,009
It is for a far greater cause
than you can possibly imagine.
544
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:41,678
You go straight to hell, sir!
545
00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,263
After you, sir.
546
00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:52,814
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
547
00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:55,901
That concludes the festivities.
548
00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:58,779
Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
549
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:03,367
Since the beginning of written history,
a nation's power has been determined...
550
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:06,912
...by the size of its army.
Tonight, that chapter will be closed.
551
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:12,125
The traditional army, to say nothing of
the United States, will become extinct.
552
00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:14,503
Laid low by a cripple...
553
00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:17,172
...as the general
so amusingly implied...
554
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,758
...and "mechanology."
555
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,220
But that tank is just
a little hors d'oeuvre...
556
00:45:23,429 --> 00:45:26,848
...compared to what the country's
scientists are cooking up.
557
00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:29,351
So if I have piqued your interest...
558
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,645
...bring 1000 kilograms of gold...
559
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:35,190
...to Spider Canyon
within the next four days.
560
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,152
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a tank to catch.
561
00:46:40,214 --> 00:46:41,715
Whoa.
562
00:47:11,787 --> 00:47:13,246
Whoa.
563
00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:25,175
Judging from the position
of these bodies...
564
00:47:25,426 --> 00:47:29,471
...it laid down a 360-degree pattern
of cannon fire.
565
00:47:30,139 --> 00:47:31,640
I think I'm gonna be sick.
566
00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:32,933
My God!
567
00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:36,102
What kind of weapon did this?
568
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:39,773
It rolls on and on,
screeching like a wounded animal.
569
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:42,484
It has a cabin on top with a cannon.
570
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,528
It swivels around like an eagle's head.
571
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:45,737
You saw it?
572
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:49,991
Heard about it. I thought it was
crazy survivors' stories.
573
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:52,577
Survivors?
574
00:47:52,745 --> 00:47:53,787
Not here.
575
00:47:54,038 --> 00:47:57,916
New Liberty, Illinois,
a free slave town just over the border.
576
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:03,088
A week before the war ended in '65,
I was with the 9th Cavalry.
577
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:07,467
We discovered old folks,
women and children slaughtered.
578
00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:10,178
They used them for target practice.
579
00:48:28,489 --> 00:48:32,492
That's when I vowed to chase
this yellow devil to his grave.
580
00:48:35,913 --> 00:48:37,497
What's wrong, West?
581
00:48:37,999 --> 00:48:40,208
I thought you'd be glad
to see me like this.
582
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,544
Actually, I'm kind of disappointed.
583
00:48:42,795 --> 00:48:45,672
I was hoping to kill
the Butcher of New Liberty myself.
584
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:48,592
Well, go on, shoot.
585
00:48:48,801 --> 00:48:50,844
Send me on to hell.
586
00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,473
But if you want the devil
that's responsible for New Liberty...
587
00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:57,392
...it's Loveless.
588
00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,478
He manned the machine there.
589
00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:03,815
He killed all them children,
old folks...
590
00:49:04,317 --> 00:49:06,860
...just like he killed my boys here.
591
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:12,032
Where is he?
592
00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,160
Where did he go?
593
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,167
Where's he going?!
594
00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:24,210
I know that.
595
00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:28,465
I'll tell you if you take me along.
596
00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:30,675
You'll tell me
or I'll leave you here.
597
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,930
The girls at the mansion,
you know, they talk.
598
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:39,809
"I wonder if my hair
will get frizzy in the desert."
599
00:49:40,019 --> 00:49:43,355
"Where is this Oo-tah anyway?"
600
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,316
Utah.
601
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:50,695
Let's go, Coleman. Utah.
602
00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,280
Aye, sir.
603
00:49:57,536 --> 00:50:01,289
Why couldn't we give her a ride
home to Texas? It's on the way.
604
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,500
On our way to Utah,
where our President is.
605
00:50:03,709 --> 00:50:05,377
How you feel about that coincidence?
606
00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:25,563
Artie.
607
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:29,526
We wouldn't have known where
Loveless was going if not for her.
608
00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:31,986
Seems a bit ungracious,
if not perilous.
609
00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:36,616
She'd have been in our way.
She and I'd have wound up in the saddle.
610
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:40,662
That's funny, I got the feeling
she was more interested in me.
611
00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:58,012
I've tried to place myself
in Loveless' shoes.
612
00:50:58,597 --> 00:51:00,181
Good luck with that one.
613
00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:03,351
What could a maniac with no
reproductive organs want with Rita?
614
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:07,397
Which is not to say that Rita
doesn't possess a beauty...
615
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:10,567
...worthy of a Shakespeare
sonnet or a Botticelli painting.
616
00:51:10,776 --> 00:51:12,444
The curvature of her buttocks...
617
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,822
...and the swell
of that magnificent bosom!
618
00:51:16,365 --> 00:51:18,074
So full, so sumptuous....
619
00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:22,662
So...what were all those foreign
ministers doing at Loveless' party?
620
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:25,457
This is what really puzzles me.
621
00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,001
Did you have any idea
there were so many?
622
00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:31,963
-How long has she been here?
-Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
623
00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,591
I am profoundly sorry.
624
00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:38,386
I'll spare you the embarrassment.
Make a sandwich. You're getting off.
625
00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:41,556
I know why those foreign guys
were at Loveless' party.
626
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,435
Mm. This is fantastic.
How do you cook it?
627
00:51:45,728 --> 00:51:47,395
I mean, you can cut it with a fork.
628
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:50,607
In a daubière. It's a clay pot.
It's a French method.
629
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,400
Foreign ministers.
630
00:51:52,693 --> 00:51:55,445
They were mad about something,
you know, like...
631
00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:58,573
...there was some real bad deal
in Louisiana on purpose.
632
00:51:58,824 --> 00:51:59,949
The Louisiana Purchase.
633
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:02,410
Mm-hm. And Queen somebody of France
got swindled.
634
00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:03,787
Queen Isabella of Spain.
635
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:07,081
This is ridiculous.
Coleman, stop the train.
636
00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:10,335
-Miss Escobar's getting off.
- Who the hell is Miss Escobar?
637
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:14,464
A frightened, starving, half-naked
woman who wants to find her father.
638
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,049
Half-naked?
639
00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:17,759
Coleman, stop the train!
640
00:52:18,010 --> 00:52:21,262
We're not putting anybody off
here in the middle of nowhere!
641
00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:23,223
Especially if they're half-naked!
642
00:52:24,099 --> 00:52:27,602
Please, Jim.
My father's the only family I've got.
643
00:52:27,853 --> 00:52:32,106
Am I to sit at home and wait for news
that he's been killed, or do something?
644
00:52:32,316 --> 00:52:33,316
What would you do?
645
00:52:33,526 --> 00:52:35,485
I don't have anything against you.
646
00:52:35,694 --> 00:52:39,781
What happens when we find Loveless
and you're still on this train?
647
00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,241
Jim.
648
00:52:41,408 --> 00:52:44,285
I know you'd never let him
take me back.
649
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,579
I've seen you shoot.
650
00:52:47,748 --> 00:52:51,543
I'll assure you any attack by Loveless
would be an exercise in futility.
651
00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,212
I'll demonstrate how
my design suggestions...
652
00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:57,382
...have made the Wanderer
completely impervious to attack.
653
00:52:57,633 --> 00:53:01,594
Over here, three seemingly
innocent billiard balls, yes?
654
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:07,475
Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas
bomb effective in under three seconds.
655
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:11,271
So put your mind at ease.
You are safe within these walls.
656
00:53:11,564 --> 00:53:13,857
I don't know about you,
but I'll sleep better...
657
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:16,901
...assuming Loveless barges in here
to play pool.
658
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:20,989
And speaking of sleeping,
I'm really tired, Artie.
659
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,032
Could I borrow something to wear?
660
00:53:23,284 --> 00:53:25,869
-I have just--
-I got something you can wear.
661
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,955
It ain't stylish, but it won't explode
when you put it on.
662
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,915
That would be nice.
663
00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:43,720
Loveless kidnapped
a few metallurgists...
664
00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,180
...so whatever he's building
will have armor.
665
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,932
He kidnapped a couple chemists...
666
00:53:48,851 --> 00:53:50,226
...so it'll have explosives.
667
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:54,397
According to you, Rita's father's the
world's foremost expert in hydraulics...
668
00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,941
...so the thing's gonna move.
669
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:01,029
What could he build that'd make
the president surrender the government?
670
00:54:01,739 --> 00:54:03,072
A bedside heater.
671
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,533
What?
672
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,120
Rita needs a bedside heater.
It gets quite chilly.
673
00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:11,915
That's what I was talking about.
The distraction.
674
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:14,208
What?
675
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:20,673
Good night,
and thank you for saving me.
676
00:54:21,050 --> 00:54:22,216
Good night.
677
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,219
Rita....
678
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,429
That outfit--
679
00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:30,099
-Is most becoming.
-Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy.
680
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:32,310
- Back there.
- But if there's anything....
681
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:33,561
Anything at all....
682
00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,648
- I'm right here.
-Aren't you boys nice?
683
00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:38,733
Well, sweet dreams.
684
00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:45,740
-Mm.
-I told you she'd be a distraction.
685
00:54:46,575 --> 00:54:48,284
She's not a distraction.
686
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,663
It's nice having her on board.
She's a breath of fresh ass.
687
00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:55,208
-Pardon me?
-What?
688
00:54:55,501 --> 00:54:56,834
You said "ass."
689
00:54:57,294 --> 00:55:01,214
No, I said, "It's nice having her on board,
she's a breast of fresh air."
690
00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:06,719
-Let's just get some shut-ass.
-Mm.
691
00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:32,453
We have Loveless.
692
00:55:32,913 --> 00:55:35,415
Seven hundred yards and closing.
693
00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:37,500
Maintain this speed.
I'm coming up.
694
00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:39,752
Oh!
695
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:42,171
- What's that?
-I took the liberty...
696
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,507
...of installing that while you slept.
697
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:48,344
Don't take liberties with my things!
698
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:49,804
Very good.
699
00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,348
I've only made one or two
additions to your wardrobe.
700
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:15,163
Am I missing something here?
701
00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:54,285
Jim.
702
00:56:58,332 --> 00:57:00,541
If we are pursuing Loveless...
703
00:57:00,793 --> 00:57:03,044
...why is he behind us?
704
00:57:06,799 --> 00:57:07,840
That's why.
705
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,641
-What's going on?
-Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
706
00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,976
Okay.
707
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:22,105
-Push that magic button.
- What are you doing?
708
00:57:22,481 --> 00:57:25,274
-Seeing if your Egressor works.
-We need a plan.
709
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:26,776
-Push the button!
- Very good.
710
00:57:32,074 --> 00:57:33,574
He's so courageous.
711
00:57:37,579 --> 00:57:39,705
Would you pull on
one of those pool cues?
712
00:57:39,915 --> 00:57:41,707
-This one?
-Thank you.
713
00:57:45,212 --> 00:57:48,756
Courage is only as good
as the machinery that supports it.
714
00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:56,848
Good luck.
715
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:08,568
Gordon!
716
00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:18,179
I have them square in my sights, sire.
717
00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:21,599
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
718
00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,521
Fire away!
719
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:44,580
That's it!
I won't let Loveless take me away!
720
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,792
-I'd rather be dead!
-That's not a good thing to wish for!
721
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:50,544
Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!
722
00:59:53,632 --> 00:59:55,758
Ladies, we need a new train.
723
00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:58,177
-Give me the ball. I have a plan.
-I won't!
724
01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,684
-Gordon!
-It's Loveless!
725
01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,560
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is!
726
01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:13,359
Jim.
727
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:24,704
An innocent billiard ball this way,
but depress the number...
728
01:00:24,871 --> 01:00:27,248
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
729
01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:30,793
-Don't move!
-Let go of my leg.
730
01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:35,256
Loveless has fitted us with the same
metal device we found on Morton.
731
01:00:35,465 --> 01:00:36,757
Good morning, gentlemen.
732
01:00:37,009 --> 01:00:38,634
I trust you slept well.
733
01:00:38,885 --> 01:00:42,221
-What have you done with Rita?
- Rita, is it? How familiar!
734
01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,391
Rita is sleeping off
the aftereffects in the stateroom.
735
01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:47,476
She is quite lovely, isn't she?
736
01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:51,689
Who knows? I might even
become familiar with her myself.
737
01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:54,984
-That'd be one more reason to kill you.
- Oh, yes, Mr. West.
738
01:00:55,235 --> 01:00:57,737
To a well-endowed blackamoor
like yourself...
739
01:00:57,988 --> 01:01:02,658
...it seems impossible that a freak like
me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.
740
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,703
But having witnessed my use
of mechanology thus far...
741
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:08,956
...don't you think I'd devise
something for my lower body...
742
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:11,792
...that was hard-pumping
and indefatigably steely?
743
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:15,504
And speaking of hard-pumping,
Mr. Coleman...
744
01:01:15,756 --> 01:01:17,131
...full steam ahead.
745
01:01:25,974 --> 01:01:29,769
What a marvelous train.
You don't mind me borrowing it, do you?
746
01:01:29,978 --> 01:01:32,271
Aside from a lack
of wheelchair access...
747
01:01:32,522 --> 01:01:34,565
...I find it a most comfortable way...
748
01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:37,985
...to pass the long miles
to my laboratory in Spider Canyon.
749
01:01:38,236 --> 01:01:42,198
By the way, I'll be seeing
President Grant at Promontory Point.
750
01:01:42,407 --> 01:01:44,200
What shall I tell him for you?
751
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:47,286
I'm afraid it can't be
that you're alive...
752
01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:48,954
...and well.
753
01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:52,833
Get out your tool kit.
Get this off my neck.
754
01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:56,837
My tools are gone.
755
01:01:59,633 --> 01:02:02,927
"Welcome to Loveless Experimental
Camp for Political Dissidents.
756
01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:05,012
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
757
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:07,807
Stay within the perimeter,
you'll stay alive."
758
01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:10,476
-I don't have time for this.
-No, no, don't!
759
01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:15,231
See? Nothing.
760
01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:28,285
And now we have to run.
761
01:02:35,710 --> 01:02:39,130
The collars around our necks seem
to contain powerful magnets!
762
01:02:39,339 --> 01:02:41,841
As long as we can outrun the blade,
we'll be fine!
763
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,802
How long does it take a magnet
to lose its power?
764
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:47,012
- About 400 years!
-Damn!
765
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,527
The gully! The gully!
766
01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:03,529
Run for the gully!
767
01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:08,534
Go, Gordon! Go!
768
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:22,214
-Gordon! Leap into my arms!
-No.
769
01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:23,674
Now!
770
01:03:47,407 --> 01:03:49,033
Bless you.
771
01:03:49,951 --> 01:03:51,243
Sorry.
772
01:03:52,704 --> 01:03:54,246
Rita, my dear.
773
01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,541
Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence
for bringing you back...
774
01:03:57,792 --> 01:03:59,418
...but I have to confess...
775
01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:05,799
...I'm a bit curious as to how
you managed to wind up with them.
776
01:04:06,009 --> 01:04:10,513
They seemed so sure they could find you,
I thought if I stayed with them...
777
01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,682
...they'll bring me back
to all my friends.
778
01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:19,522
Not to give you a big head,
but I kind of missed you.
779
01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:22,733
Well, isn't that a coincidence?
Because I kind of miss me too.
780
01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:36,956
What's your plan for getting
this thing off my neck?
781
01:04:37,832 --> 01:04:38,958
Excuse me?
782
01:04:39,459 --> 01:04:43,045
That's what you're here for.
You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
783
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:45,339
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see.
784
01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:49,510
Now I'm the master
of this mechanical stuff.
785
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:51,971
As opposed to five minutes ago,
when I tried...
786
01:04:52,222 --> 01:04:54,890
...to find an intelligent solution
to this problem.
787
01:04:55,141 --> 01:04:57,601
Then something happened.
Someone, who'll remain nameless--
788
01:04:57,852 --> 01:04:59,311
Jim!
789
01:04:59,563 --> 01:05:02,273
West!
790
01:05:04,025 --> 01:05:05,776
--decided to jump over the wire...
791
01:05:06,027 --> 01:05:08,612
...providing us with that romp
through the cornfield...
792
01:05:08,863 --> 01:05:11,991
...and that death-defying leap
into the abysmal muck!
793
01:05:12,242 --> 01:05:15,494
And here we stand,
while that demented maniac hurtles...
794
01:05:15,745 --> 01:05:19,623
...toward our president on our one
and only mode of transportation...
795
01:05:19,874 --> 01:05:23,085
...with Rita as prisoner, armed with
machinery of mass destruction...
796
01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:26,880
...with the simple intention
of taking over the country.
797
01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:29,550
-You need to calm down.
-I can't be calm.
798
01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:34,346
No, no, no, no.
I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!
799
01:05:34,681 --> 01:05:37,099
And I have to help you! You!
800
01:05:37,309 --> 01:05:40,352
The master of the stupid stuff!
801
01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,438
Wanna get your collar off?
I'll get it off!
802
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,065
I don't have a gun.
Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
803
01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:47,443
Here's something in the true
Jim West style!
804
01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:50,696
-I'll bash it with a rock!
-You don't wanna do that.
805
01:05:50,905 --> 01:05:52,698
-Oh, but I do!
-Wait, Gor--
806
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:00,497
-What did you do?
-I didn't do shit!
807
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:02,833
You've reversed the polarity
of your magnet.
808
01:06:03,376 --> 01:06:05,377
I did not do shit!
809
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:08,589
Be still! Be still!
810
01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:11,175
I'll put my foot in your chest.
Push off.
811
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:17,348
You all right?
812
01:06:17,599 --> 01:06:20,225
I'm just peachy.
Can you help me get my boot off?
813
01:06:23,897 --> 01:06:26,398
-Hey, hey!
-Sorry.
814
01:06:33,948 --> 01:06:36,283
And that would be my belt buckle.
815
01:06:36,451 --> 01:06:40,579
Gordon, when you tell this story
to your grandkids, leave this part out.
816
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:43,123
-Don't worry.
-All right, Gordon.
817
01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:47,753
I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way,
you run the other way.
818
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,380
Let me understand your plan.
819
01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:53,050
You'll run fast that way
and I'll run fast that way.
820
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:55,761
-It's ingenious.
-Whatever, Gordon.
821
01:06:56,012 --> 01:06:57,262
One...
822
01:06:57,430 --> 01:06:59,640
...two, three!
823
01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:19,785
Oh, look.
824
01:07:20,453 --> 01:07:21,662
My auxiliary tool kit.
825
01:07:21,871 --> 01:07:24,623
I forgot about it. It must've
slipped out of my pocket.
826
01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:25,874
Your pocket?
827
01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:29,670
Why wasn't it on some contraption
that shoots out your ass?
828
01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:31,880
That's the first place
Loveless would've looked.
829
01:07:51,359 --> 01:07:52,526
What?
830
01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:55,362
Nothing.
831
01:07:56,239 --> 01:08:00,576
Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine.
832
01:08:01,035 --> 01:08:02,661
Not quite myself out here.
833
01:08:04,664 --> 01:08:07,124
There's a very large spider
on your hand.
834
01:08:10,253 --> 01:08:12,171
He's just trying to get warm.
835
01:08:17,761 --> 01:08:19,803
How is it you know so much
about the desert?
836
01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:24,391
I lived out here as a boy.
I was raised by the Indians.
837
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,810
Really? Now that is--
838
01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:30,397
Look, a desert wasp,
one of the world's greatest hunters.
839
01:08:30,607 --> 01:08:33,150
She'll kill the tarantula,
lay her eggs inside...
840
01:08:33,401 --> 01:08:35,569
...so her babies will have food
when they hatch.
841
01:08:35,779 --> 01:08:37,863
Now I'm really hungry.
842
01:08:38,198 --> 01:08:41,408
So how did your parents,
who I assume were Negro...
843
01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:43,410
...feel about you
being raised by Indians?
844
01:08:44,204 --> 01:08:46,121
They didn't have too much to say.
845
01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,457
I was sent to
another plantation as a boy.
846
01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:51,418
Ran away as soon as my legs
were strong enough to take me.
847
01:08:51,669 --> 01:08:53,504
Did you ever see your family again?
848
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,676
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
849
01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:05,974
I'll help you get him, Jim.
850
01:09:11,689 --> 01:09:14,149
You have no idea
where we're going, do you?
851
01:09:14,609 --> 01:09:16,777
I know exactly where we're going.
852
01:09:17,237 --> 01:09:19,112
Going to Spider Canyon.
853
01:09:19,405 --> 01:09:23,283
We'd get there a lot faster if you
weren't dragging that thing around.
854
01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:26,870
A lot of scientific ingenuity
and hard work went into this.
855
01:09:27,121 --> 01:09:28,872
It'd be a shame to discard it.
856
01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:32,042
You never know when a high-powered
magnet might come in handy.
857
01:09:47,308 --> 01:09:49,059
When you're right, you're right.
858
01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:54,189
Loveless' private track.
859
01:10:00,613 --> 01:10:03,615
This is not a mirage.
If this isn't a mirage, then that--
860
01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:06,994
Is Spider Canyon.
What now, Mr. Plan Man?
861
01:10:07,161 --> 01:10:09,288
Now, well....
862
01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:14,793
What do we have? Intelligence, a sense
of purpose, the element of surprise.
863
01:10:15,169 --> 01:10:17,129
So what does Loveless have?
864
01:10:26,472 --> 01:10:27,973
Well....
865
01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,518
He has his own city.
866
01:10:54,459 --> 01:10:57,419
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
867
01:10:57,712 --> 01:11:00,339
Yes, well, I was coming to that.
868
01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:06,637
Nice to see an invention
that actually works.
869
01:11:06,846 --> 01:11:09,222
Most impressive.
870
01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:16,521
If a little ungainly.
871
01:11:20,276 --> 01:11:21,401
He's trapped.
872
01:11:22,236 --> 01:11:24,696
That thing'll never get
past those rocks.
873
01:11:38,586 --> 01:11:40,837
Gordon! Let's go!
874
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:47,427
Gordon, let's ride!
875
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:49,638
You do know how to ride.
876
01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:52,057
-Yes, I know how to ride.
-A horse.
877
01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,142
Yes, when something primitive
is called for.
878
01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:57,187
How about now? A giant spider's
stomping toward our President.
879
01:11:57,897 --> 01:11:59,398
I was thinking of another spider.
880
01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:02,985
Remember when that wasp
destroyed the tarantula?
881
01:12:03,236 --> 01:12:06,071
The wasp had a slight advantage.
It could fly.
882
01:12:07,198 --> 01:12:08,573
Exactly.
883
01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:13,620
In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed
a flying machine, but never finished it.
884
01:12:13,871 --> 01:12:16,915
With some extrapolation
and a bit of imagination, I've--
885
01:12:17,166 --> 01:12:20,460
We don't have time for your plans
or half-baked inventions.
886
01:12:23,214 --> 01:12:25,632
We gotta stick to what
we each do best.
887
01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:50,115
"May God continue the unity
of our country...
888
01:12:50,324 --> 01:12:54,703
...as this railroad unites
the two great oceans of this world."
889
01:13:56,849 --> 01:13:58,225
Good Lord!
890
01:14:26,003 --> 01:14:28,421
Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?
891
01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:31,174
I'm out for a little morning ride...
892
01:14:31,425 --> 01:14:32,926
...and in the middle of nowhere...
893
01:14:33,136 --> 01:14:36,972
...I bump into
General Ulysses S. Grant himself.
894
01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:40,142
We've never been properly introduced.
I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...
895
01:14:40,393 --> 01:14:42,060
...formerly of the Confederate Army.
896
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:43,895
Yes, Dr. Loveless.
897
01:14:44,856 --> 01:14:47,399
It's a fine-looking spider
you have there.
898
01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:48,775
What can I do for you?
899
01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:52,612
I have a humble abode nearby.
I hope you'll accept my hospitality.
900
01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:54,489
I have a proposition to make.
901
01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:56,074
What proposition is that?
902
01:14:56,284 --> 01:15:00,495
The immediate and unconditional
surrender of the United States...
903
01:15:00,746 --> 01:15:02,372
...to the Loveless Alliance!
904
01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:05,542
I didn't realize we were at war.
905
01:15:05,793 --> 01:15:08,670
You have me at somewhat
of a disadvantage.
906
01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:11,631
I didn't bring my fly swatter.
907
01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:23,602
How about now?
908
01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:26,271
In matters pertaining to war...
909
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,108
-...the person to talk to would be me.
- And now just who are you?
910
01:15:30,359 --> 01:15:32,903
I am the President of the United States.
911
01:15:33,112 --> 01:15:38,033
This man is an actor hired to stand in
for me on public occasions.
912
01:15:38,242 --> 01:15:41,578
Not a very good actor at that.
He's too fat and dull-witted.
913
01:15:41,787 --> 01:15:44,581
You got a lot of brass,
Gordon. Where's West?
914
01:15:44,749 --> 01:15:46,082
You know him, sir.
915
01:15:50,087 --> 01:15:53,048
Take this man away! Captain!
916
01:15:53,841 --> 01:15:55,884
Lieutenant! Sergeant!
917
01:15:57,178 --> 01:15:58,220
Private!
918
01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:01,056
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
919
01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:02,390
We'll take them both!
920
01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:10,565
Was this part of your plan, Gordon?
921
01:16:10,816 --> 01:16:14,819
Well, I'm by
your side, sir. That's what counts.
922
01:16:23,579 --> 01:16:26,498
I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless
from his mother.
923
01:16:26,749 --> 01:16:29,709
She said, "Come home.
Stop all this foolishness."
924
01:17:10,084 --> 01:17:11,251
Bonjour...
925
01:17:11,711 --> 01:17:14,713
...buenas tardes, and good day!
926
01:17:15,589 --> 01:17:17,757
Great, glorious day!
927
01:17:17,967 --> 01:17:23,096
A day of healing for the wrongs
that have been done to us all.
928
01:17:26,058 --> 01:17:27,892
How long have we waited?
929
01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:31,855
1776, wasn't it, old bean?
930
01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:35,025
The most expensive cup of tea
in history.
931
01:17:37,570 --> 01:17:40,530
Manhattan, for a handful of beads.
932
01:17:40,781 --> 01:17:41,990
How.
933
01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:46,036
"Remember the Alamo," indeed.
934
01:18:29,872 --> 01:18:31,539
Thanks, Artie.
935
01:18:34,418 --> 01:18:38,797
Today, I'm proud to be able
to sit before y'all...
936
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:43,176
...and tell you that the wrongs
will be righted...
937
01:18:43,511 --> 01:18:46,096
...the past made present...
938
01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:49,516
...the united, divided!
939
01:19:01,487 --> 01:19:06,241
Great Britain gets back the 13
original colonies, minus Manhattan.
940
01:19:06,742 --> 01:19:10,036
Florida and the Fountain of Youth
go back to Spain.
941
01:19:10,496 --> 01:19:14,707
Texas, New Mexico,
California, Arizona...
942
01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:16,668
...revolve a México.
943
01:19:16,877 --> 01:19:19,838
And a little piece for me
to retire on.
944
01:20:11,056 --> 01:20:15,727
My partner nations insist that
we make this as legal as possible.
945
01:20:16,562 --> 01:20:18,646
Personally, I like the symmetry of it.
946
01:20:18,981 --> 01:20:20,607
After all...
947
01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,234
...wasn't it you, President Grant,
that made us...
948
01:20:23,444 --> 01:20:25,778
...sign a surrender at Appomattox?
949
01:20:26,113 --> 01:20:27,739
Never will I sign that paper.
950
01:20:27,948 --> 01:20:31,367
Never will the United States
ever surrender!
951
01:20:39,793 --> 01:20:41,920
We're at loggerheads then, aren't we?
952
01:20:42,796 --> 01:20:46,758
I suppose the threat of death to someone
with your valorous war record...
953
01:20:47,009 --> 01:20:48,384
...would mean nothing.
954
01:20:48,636 --> 01:20:51,513
If you still refuse
to sign the surrender...
955
01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:53,723
...we'll start by shooting
your man Gordon.
956
01:20:54,642 --> 01:20:56,309
-Artemus!
- Munitia!
957
01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:59,562
Don't worry.
I'm wearing an Impermeable.
958
01:21:09,740 --> 01:21:11,199
May I make one request?
959
01:21:13,744 --> 01:21:15,245
That she aim at my heart...
960
01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,873
...my heart, which has loved
this country so much.
961
01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:20,917
Shoot him in the head.
962
01:21:22,461 --> 01:21:24,045
-Damn!
- Munitia!
963
01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:27,048
Ready! Aim!
964
01:21:45,943 --> 01:21:47,694
A new girl!
965
01:21:48,696 --> 01:21:51,739
Well, what a nice surprise.
966
01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:00,331
Ooh.
967
01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,642
Uh, uh, uh.
968
01:22:20,853 --> 01:22:24,105
Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?
969
01:22:37,202 --> 01:22:38,828
This brassiere is killing me.
970
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,415
Thank you.
971
01:22:46,670 --> 01:22:49,672
And this garter belt
is riding up my ass.
972
01:22:49,923 --> 01:22:53,426
-Be careful with that dress.
-To hell with your damn dress.
973
01:22:58,641 --> 01:23:01,351
We'll have you out of here
in a second, Mr. President.
974
01:23:05,856 --> 01:23:07,231
Bye-bye!
975
01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:10,234
-Is she with us?
-Captain West.
976
01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:13,404
Oh, he's so graceful!
977
01:23:42,893 --> 01:23:45,186
Kill him! Him!
978
01:23:45,437 --> 01:23:47,730
Him! Him! The girl!
979
01:24:00,994 --> 01:24:02,787
Is that the eight ball? Get down.
980
01:24:06,542 --> 01:24:09,919
-That wasn't sleeping gas.
-The eight ball's an incendiary bomb.
981
01:24:11,422 --> 01:24:12,463
The president!
982
01:24:15,384 --> 01:24:19,053
-Let's go!
-Save the president! We'll be fine!
983
01:24:22,725 --> 01:24:25,810
They're getting away. We gotta
do something! We gotta get horses!
984
01:24:25,978 --> 01:24:28,563
Artie, right now we need a plan.
985
01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:30,648
That flying machine idea of yours....
986
01:24:30,858 --> 01:24:35,194
Were you acting like you knew what you
were talking about, or can you build it?
987
01:24:45,664 --> 01:24:47,790
Bernoulli was considered
insane by his peers.
988
01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:51,085
His theory states that the air
over a bird's wing moves...
989
01:24:51,336 --> 01:24:53,838
...at a lower pressure
than that below the wing.
990
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:56,966
That's called lift,
and is what we will now attempt.
991
01:24:57,176 --> 01:24:59,802
-It's only a theory. It's never been tested.
-Stop talking.
992
01:25:00,012 --> 01:25:03,055
Here's a little bon voyage present
for you guys.
993
01:25:03,307 --> 01:25:06,517
Gunpowder, nitroglycerine
and .44 caliber primers.
994
01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:09,145
How the devil do you know
about explosives?
995
01:25:09,396 --> 01:25:12,732
U.S. Marshal Coleman.
President wanted me to look after you.
996
01:25:12,941 --> 01:25:15,860
But I draw the line at defying gravity,
so good luck.
997
01:25:19,239 --> 01:25:22,867
Hold on! Avanti!
998
01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,418
Avanti! Avanti!
999
01:25:32,628 --> 01:25:35,546
-Why isn't this avanti-ing?
-Not enough lift!
1000
01:25:35,798 --> 01:25:37,215
We need more speed!
1001
01:25:51,522 --> 01:25:53,481
- That's a cliff!
-Yes, I know!
1002
01:25:53,690 --> 01:25:56,150
-That means the ground is gonna end!
-I know!
1003
01:25:56,819 --> 01:25:59,654
Gordon. Gordon! Gordon!
1004
01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:12,291
It works! It works!
1005
01:26:12,543 --> 01:26:15,753
If you had to get one right,
I'm sure glad it was this one.
1006
01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:19,048
-Yee-ha! Ha, ha, ha!
-Yee-ha.
1007
01:26:20,384 --> 01:26:23,511
What kind of fancy name you got
picked out for this thing?
1008
01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:27,223
an Elevation Enhancer...
1009
01:26:27,474 --> 01:26:30,351
...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.
1010
01:26:30,602 --> 01:26:32,603
No, I was thinking of something simple.
1011
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:34,897
Air Gordon.
1012
01:26:45,075 --> 01:26:47,702
Mr. President,
I'll ask you once again:
1013
01:26:47,911 --> 01:26:51,664
Sign the surrender,
or I will decimate this town!
1014
01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:53,749
You've had my answer.
1015
01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:59,130
I understand, but I urge you to reconsider
in light of the following!
1016
01:27:41,757 --> 01:27:43,299
Yee-ha!
1017
01:27:53,143 --> 01:27:54,518
Whoo!
1018
01:28:22,839 --> 01:28:24,298
Munitia!
1019
01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:28,803
Hang on, Mr. President!
1020
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:36,310
Let's go!
1021
01:28:42,776 --> 01:28:46,988
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed
by your effort and ingenuity.
1022
01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:49,740
Why not swear an oath
of loyalty to me...
1023
01:28:50,617 --> 01:28:52,660
...and forego your execution?
1024
01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:56,288
I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass
in one of these cannons...
1025
01:28:56,498 --> 01:28:58,833
...and fertilize the landscape with you.
1026
01:29:02,796 --> 01:29:04,880
We may not have a woodshed on board...
1027
01:29:05,132 --> 01:29:08,217
...but that boy is gonna
get a whupping anyway!
1028
01:29:16,435 --> 01:29:18,853
You the one supposed
to give me my whupping?
1029
01:29:20,272 --> 01:29:22,064
Hell, I got one of those.
1030
01:29:25,152 --> 01:29:29,405
Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one.
If you give me a second, I'll--
1031
01:29:45,172 --> 01:29:46,464
Damn!
1032
01:29:58,518 --> 01:30:00,102
Whoo-hoo!
1033
01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,125
That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy.
1034
01:30:56,827 --> 01:30:58,536
I learned that from a Chinaman.
1035
01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:04,500
I just made that up.
1036
01:31:08,338 --> 01:31:09,588
Nice hat.
1037
01:31:14,719 --> 01:31:15,719
No!
1038
01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:57,845
Sorry.
1039
01:32:10,942 --> 01:32:14,195
Miss Lippenreider,
take over the controls.
1040
01:32:40,513 --> 01:32:43,432
Now, somebody around here
promised me a whupping.
1041
01:32:43,642 --> 01:32:44,725
Dark-haired fella.
1042
01:32:44,976 --> 01:32:46,894
Crazy beard. About your height.
Seen him?
1043
01:32:47,771 --> 01:32:50,940
When it comes right down to it,
you just can't beat...
1044
01:32:51,191 --> 01:32:53,067
...a good old-fashioned pair of legs.
1045
01:32:53,276 --> 01:32:57,655
Well, you're obviously
not a poker player, Mr. West.
1046
01:33:15,215 --> 01:33:18,467
Four of a kind always beats a pair.
1047
01:33:20,303 --> 01:33:23,681
Now was there someone
particularly close to you...
1048
01:33:23,890 --> 01:33:26,934
...who perished
in that military action?
1049
01:33:30,647 --> 01:33:32,314
Well, that struck a nerve.
1050
01:33:37,946 --> 01:33:41,365
"I likes to beat my feet...
1051
01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:44,451
...on the Mississippi mud!"
1052
01:33:46,496 --> 01:33:47,705
Stop it!
1053
01:33:48,873 --> 01:33:50,666
Stop him, please!
1054
01:33:51,668 --> 01:33:52,835
Drop it!
1055
01:33:56,298 --> 01:33:58,340
Drive.
Stop or I'll shoot.
1056
01:33:58,550 --> 01:34:00,759
You expect to kill me
with that peashooter?
1057
01:34:00,969 --> 01:34:04,388
-If I have to, yes.
-Why is it that I am unafraid?
1058
01:34:04,639 --> 01:34:06,932
Shoot him...
1059
01:34:07,142 --> 01:34:08,642
...Gordon!
1060
01:34:11,646 --> 01:34:13,397
Shoot him!
1061
01:34:17,819 --> 01:34:19,611
After all that, you missed?
1062
01:34:19,904 --> 01:34:21,280
Actually, I didn't.
1063
01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:31,415
Thank you.
1064
01:34:31,624 --> 01:34:33,834
Your chivalry's about to be tested.
1065
01:34:37,630 --> 01:34:39,006
Wait!
1066
01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:50,893
Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless.
I bet you thought it was...
1067
01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:54,271
...pretty damn funny, big metal foot
on my face and all.
1068
01:34:54,522 --> 01:34:56,774
If you ask me, somebody around here...
1069
01:34:57,025 --> 01:35:00,277
...owes somebody else
around here an apology.
1070
01:35:07,327 --> 01:35:10,329
Quit dancing around and figure out
how to run this damn thing!
1071
01:35:10,497 --> 01:35:12,664
-Uh, right.
-We got a real problem there!
1072
01:35:17,003 --> 01:35:18,837
Please, Mr. West!
1073
01:35:20,548 --> 01:35:22,424
Show some mercy!
1074
01:35:22,675 --> 01:35:24,593
Now, don't you fret none.
1075
01:35:24,803 --> 01:35:27,805
We got a lovely half-a-jail cell
picked out for you.
1076
01:35:28,640 --> 01:35:31,350
Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
1077
01:35:31,559 --> 01:35:35,062
Finding the right
combination of levers--
1078
01:35:37,482 --> 01:35:38,941
-Very good.
-Don't do that again.
1079
01:35:39,192 --> 01:35:42,277
I have always admired you, Mr. West.
1080
01:35:42,779 --> 01:35:44,446
I want you to understand that.
1081
01:35:52,163 --> 01:35:54,331
For four years,
I've chased the animal...
1082
01:35:54,541 --> 01:35:57,251
...responsible for the massacre
at New Liberty.
1083
01:35:57,460 --> 01:35:58,585
I hear that's you.
1084
01:35:58,795 --> 01:36:01,213
I am not an animal. I am a visionary!
1085
01:36:01,423 --> 01:36:02,506
I am a genius!
1086
01:36:02,966 --> 01:36:05,259
And now I am angry!
1087
01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,718
After I kill you...
1088
01:36:06,970 --> 01:36:10,222
...I swear I'm gonna boil you down
for axle grease!
1089
01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:34,663
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
1090
01:36:34,914 --> 01:36:37,458
How did we arrive
in this dark situation?
1091
01:36:38,042 --> 01:36:40,878
I have no idea.
I'm just as stumped as you are.
1092
01:36:43,047 --> 01:36:45,174
I'm facing a difficult problem here.
1093
01:36:45,383 --> 01:36:48,510
On the one hand, I have
an overwhelming love for myself...
1094
01:36:48,761 --> 01:36:52,389
...and on the other, the raw,
seething hatred that I have for you.
1095
01:36:52,599 --> 01:36:56,310
I could kill you very easily
just by pulling on this lever.
1096
01:36:57,228 --> 01:36:59,980
But I would die along with you,
hence my conflict.
1097
01:37:02,859 --> 01:37:03,984
Decisions...
1098
01:37:04,194 --> 01:37:05,527
...decisions.
1099
01:37:06,362 --> 01:37:08,447
Allow me to make
that decision for you.
1100
01:37:08,656 --> 01:37:12,618
Mr. West, although you are
as black as the night on the outside...
1101
01:37:12,785 --> 01:37:13,869
...inside...
1102
01:37:14,746 --> 01:37:18,165
...you are yellow!
1103
01:37:18,666 --> 01:37:22,544
You just don't have it in you.
1104
01:37:23,421 --> 01:37:24,838
Do you...
1105
01:37:26,007 --> 01:37:27,132
...boy?
1106
01:37:47,237 --> 01:37:50,155
Now that's a whupping.
1107
01:38:06,548 --> 01:38:09,716
You'll be happy to know
I'm creating a new agency...
1108
01:38:09,968 --> 01:38:12,553
...whose sole purpose
is to protect the president.
1109
01:38:13,012 --> 01:38:14,429
Welcome to the Secret Service.
1110
01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,598
Agents number one and number two.
1111
01:38:17,016 --> 01:38:18,517
Thank you, Mr. President.
1112
01:38:18,726 --> 01:38:22,312
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent
number one and which is number two?
1113
01:38:22,730 --> 01:38:25,732
-I don't think that matters. Do you?
-Not if you don't.
1114
01:38:25,942 --> 01:38:29,945
Anyway, you'll have plenty of time
to discuss it on your new assignment.
1115
01:38:30,655 --> 01:38:32,781
See you in Washington, gentlemen.
1116
01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,748
Mr. President, what about our train?
1117
01:38:42,083 --> 01:38:43,709
I'm taking it, of course.
1118
01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:46,712
Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.
1119
01:38:49,716 --> 01:38:51,300
Jim, Artie!
1120
01:38:52,260 --> 01:38:54,469
-My heroes.
-Rita, look at you.
1121
01:38:56,180 --> 01:38:58,974
-You're a vision.
- That's a fine dress you got on.
1122
01:38:59,225 --> 01:39:04,104
I wanted to thank you for all you've
done for me before I went back to Texas.
1123
01:39:04,355 --> 01:39:06,440
Texas? What do you mean?
1124
01:39:06,691 --> 01:39:08,191
Come to Washington with me.
1125
01:39:08,443 --> 01:39:11,278
Or better yet,
come back to Washington with me.
1126
01:39:11,738 --> 01:39:15,365
I'm afraid I haven't been
completely honest with you.
1127
01:39:16,034 --> 01:39:19,828
Professor Escobar is not my father.
He's my husband.
1128
01:39:22,290 --> 01:39:24,958
-You could've told us that.
-Yes.
1129
01:39:25,668 --> 01:39:28,670
Rita, dear, we really must be going.
1130
01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:31,965
Bye.
1131
01:39:35,803 --> 01:39:38,221
At least you still have each other.
1132
01:39:57,325 --> 01:39:58,617
Jim?
1133
01:39:59,410 --> 01:40:00,661
What now, Artie?
1134
01:40:00,870 --> 01:40:03,538
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
1135
01:40:03,748 --> 01:40:05,624
Actually, I do, Artie.86209
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