All language subtitles for The Windsors The Royal Wedding Special. s02e07

Erm, Meghan, there is
something I want to ask you.

What?

- Yes!
- You don't know what it is yet.

- Yes! - We've been together
for over a year now, and...

- Yes, yes, yes!
- What I'm trying to say is...

.. will you be my wife?

YEEEEEEEE...

You're my strength, my
soul, my everything.

Oh, you're really smashing, Meghan.

Absolutely top bird.

You bring a real sensitivity
to the British royal family.

Well, it was Harry's idea as
much as mine, wasn't it, Harry?

Oh, yeah, definitely. I was
very much on board with the idea.

And what have you got planned
for your bachelor party?

Well, obviously I've calmed
down a lot since I met Meghan,

so I'll probably just go nightclub,
strip club, casino, brothel,

although I might try LSD, as well.

Well, actually, we decided that
Harry should have his stag night

- while we're here. - Yeah, it's a
bit of a shame Wills won't be here,

though, or Rupes, Jonno, Grunter,
Spunky, Nobbles, Shag Monster,

Sir Vom-a-Lot, Lord
Pissbucket, Mr Dirtchute...

Yes. It is a shame, but we
thought it would be more sensible

- to have it away from the
British tabloids. - Yeah.

Over here, I can go even more mental.

Do you think the zoo would
let me fight a leopard?

Harry's joking!

- They're so well matched.
- Aren't they?

Crikey, having three kids is exhausting.

It took me ten minutes
to organise the nannies.

Well, I was thinking,
perhaps three's enough,

and it's time to pull up the drawbridge.

Oh, Kate, I can't go
back to wearing nodders.

No, I was thinking something more...

- .. permanent.
- A full hysterectomy?

OK, but only if that feels right for you.

No, actually, I was thinking
you could have the snip.

The snip?

I don't think I want to do that, Kate.

It's nothing to be frightened of.

They just tear open the scrotal
sac, and then sever the tubes.

No, Kate, I can't.

But you made that speech last year
about people having fewer children

to help the environment.

Yeah, but obviously
that doesn't apply to me.

Look, I need to keep my boys
in tiptop condition in case

- anything should happen.
- Like what?

Well, if something happened
to you and the children,

in those tragic circumstances,
I'd be honour-bound to carry on

the line, which, sadly, would
mean having sex with another woman,

and possibly a blonde one this time.

How can you even think about
being with another woman?

- It's my constitutional duty.
- Well, until you get the snip,

you'll be doing your
constitutional duty into a sock.

Welcome to my home, Charles.

Yes, do call me Charles.

Doria, your house is absolutely charming,

and certainly not an
architectural monstrosity.

As you know, I've raised Meghan
to be a strong, independent woman,

so, naturally, I have issues
with her marrying into

the British royal family.

Oh, the royal family is full
of strong, independent women.

One only has to think of...

.. erm...

- .. Boadicea.
- Camilla's a strong, independent woman.

Yes, a bit too much.

- Gives it a lot of that, if
you get my drift. - Really?

Mom, please, I don't want to get
married without your approval.

- Hmm. - Which is why I'm
here to put your mind at rest.

Camilla wanted to come, too,

but she's so busy
preparing for the wedding.

I'd better go and freshen up. Where's Ken?

Ken's Dad's valet. He stayed
in England cos there's no room,

remember? Doria's only got three bedrooms.

Three bedrooms!

Erm... Then I wonder if one of
you might help me go to the loo.

Sorry. Rest room.

Hi! And welcome to Beatrice and
Eugenie's wedding fashion vlog.

Vlog!

V-l-l-l-l-log!

Vlog! Our new online business venture,

which has nothing to do with our
cousin Harry getting married.

Or my wedding at the same venue
in September. We've had an e-mail.

"What should your wedding
outfit never include?"

Subliminal messages encouraging terrorism.

We are passionate about giving
hints and tips about what to wear

- to any wedding. - Wow. Styling wear,
the thing we're most famous for...

Going on holidays.

Nay! Our fascinators!

Fascinators.

I chose this one to match the morning suit

my fiance is going to wear.

He's called Jack, and
he's an absolute dreamboat!

Luckily, I've just been
dumped by my boyfriend,

so mine doesn't have to match anything.

Sorry, you didn't mind me
mentioning my fiance, did you?

Don't worry, it was only 18 times.

Thanks. You know, I was so relieved

when Jack finally popped the question.

- I was getting on a bit.
- I'm two years older than you.

But I've scraped in just under the
wire and now everything is going to

- be all right.
- Well, I'm really happy for you.

Sorry.

Jack!

Yes, I'd love to go out for dinner,
then theatre, then dinner again!

- Spare a quid?
- Sorry, I don't carry cash.

Me neither.

Calling all tramps of Windsor...

Quick, it's the Tramp Catcher!

Vagrants! Vagabonds!

Down-and-outs!

Gotcha!

- What's going on here?
- Your Royal Highness, what an honour.

The wedding is in three days' time,
and I'm just clearing the scroungers

off the streets. We can't have
them spoiling your little brother's

- big day, now, can we?
- But it's wrong.

But they're dirty and horrible and
they'll ruin all the photographs.

I don't give a damn about the photographs.

These are my subjects, and
free to live how they choose.

- You will leave them be.
- Oh, yeah?

And what are you going to do about it?

You ain't got any real power.
You're just a figurehead.

Unless I've misread the
Act of Settlement 1701.

Well, we've still got
an "advisor-ary" role.

Is that right? Well, I've got
some advice for you, Billy boy...

Fuck off!

Oh, you seem so simpatico.

We are. We're always finishing
each other's sentences.

Yeah, I hardly ever finish a sentence now.

They're never off the bloody
telly. They make me sick.

I wish you could just be
happy for them, Pippa.

Hey, I'm not bothered! I'm
happily married to Johnny.

- How is Johnny?
- He's worth £2.4 billion.

Look, Pippa, if you still
have feelings for Harry,

you can speak to me.

I'm not just your future
queen, I'm also your sister.

What goes on in your fucking head?

Oh, Pippa.

How am I ever going to get
into my maid of honour's dress?

I normally lose the baby weight with
my usual ten hours a day in the gym

plus special programme
of steroid injections,

but it's just not shifting.

- Oh, stop moaning.
- Well, it's all right for you.

You're naturally big-boned.

- Excuse me?
- And you're not a princess,

so you can afford to let yourself go.

People expect better things of me.

That's not a rude thing to say, is it?

Not at all.

Actually, why don't I
help you get in shape?

Running and dieting was
literally all I did for 15 years

till I married a billionaire
and thought, "Fuck it".

All right. It'll be fun.

Yes. It'll be fun, all right.

I think this Doria charm
offensive is going rather well.

Yeah, well, thanks for making the effort.

And for being so cool
about us getting married.

We thought Meghan being mixed
race might have been a prob.

Oh, not at all. It is 2018.
The monarchy has moved on.

Wouldn't do for Wills, obviously
-- future king, etc --

but sixth in line,

it would take quite the plane
crash to see you on the throne.

Maybe don't say that to my mom.

OK, fun time -- let's
plan your stag night.

Awesome! Right, first up, strippers.

That's a little old-school.

But if you want to see women
laying themselves bare,

how about The Vagina Monologues?

That sounds fantastic!

But, Daddy, we've got to do
something. He's got a big net.

- You know I don't like to meddle.
- You're always meddling.

You got that professor
sacked from Exeter University.

What kind of man of science
says homoeopathy is bollocks?

And I've held my tongue
on so many other issues.

Like what?

Like alien civilisations
living amongst us.

Isn't that right, Xenu?

I'm powerless. I might as
well go and have the snip.

Over here!

Hi, Bea. God, I love The Crown.

I never realised how
bloody important we all are.

Ohh.

Bad date?

It was a disaster.

All the boys I meet are always too
frightened to take on someone royal.

What excuse did this one give?

That I'm incredibly dull and stupid.

So I still don't have a
plus one for the wedding.

Fancy a drink?

I can't, I'm going out with
Jack for dinner, then theatre,

then dinner again. Sorry, Bea.

- Next time.
- Bye.

I'm just like Bridget Jones,
only without the money worries.

♪ All by "mysalf"

♪ Don't want to be all by "mysalf"... ♪

I don't know why you're complaining.

At least you're going to the
wedding. I've been snubbed again,

for being an embarrassment.

Oh, don't worry, Mummy,
you'll find a way to get in.

- You always do.
- Well, I have had one idea.

I'm making multiple applications
to the public ballot,

but under false names.

Hey, do you fancy doing something?

Oh, I can't, I've got to go and
catch the last post, I'm afraid.

Tatty-bye.

♪ All by mys... ♪

Who's ready for another of my
special diet fruit smoothies?

But I've had 14 in the last hour.

But they're working wonders.

Well, they ARE nice.

Thank you.

Mm. When can I try the dress on?

Soon.

Very soon.

I think a detox spa session is the
ideal way to start your stag night.

Oh, totes. Great idea for you to come.

This way, we get to
spend more time together.

Oh, Harry, do you realise
what's happening?

We're starting to think the same way!

Yeah, if you hadn't suggested not
drinking, I probably would have.

- I'm going to go to the little girls' room.
- Another wheatgrass smoothie?

Oh, no, we'd better get going, or
we're going to miss the start of

- our TED Talk on the power of yes.
- Ah, right.

- Complimentary champagne?
- Erm...

Well, maybe just the one.

Jagerbomb!

What am I doing in here?

You were arrested for indecent exposure.

But I was just having
a wazz in the street.

From the roof of a police station.

Sorry, who are you?

Amber.

Well, Dame Amber.

You ennobled me at Hooters last night.

Oh...

I'm definite about this, but
is the operation reversible?

Not really.

Prince Albert, former
consort to Queen Victoria,

- what are you doing here?
- You're making a grave mistake.

A king's kuh-nackers are
his most valuable asset,

the source of all his power.

You are your kuh-nackers.

I'm hardly going to take
advice on genitals from you.

You got your knob pierced.

Your knob is not your kuh-nackers.

Your knob is front of house.

Your kuh-nackers are backstage,
where all the real work gets done.

You're right.

Thanks, Prince Albert.
I'm getting out of here.

Ooh, thanks, doc, but if
it's all right with you,

I'm going to keep my knackers,

and use them to sort
out that tramp-catcher.

Oh... Well, that's it.
That's the last one.

I'll never get to Harry
and Meghan's wedding now.

Oh.

I AM going to the wedding!

I can't believe it!

I'm going to the royal wedding!

Hey, um, are purple dresses still in?

I wish I was going to the royal wedding.

Oh... Why do you look so sad?

I'm worried about being made redundant

and replaced with modern technology.

Oh, I'm sure you won't.

- What do you do?
- I operate a robot arm at a car factory.

- Oh. - But if I could go to the royal
wedding just for a couple of hours,

I'd be happy!

I'd see a man who's had everything
handed to him on a plate

marrying a beautiful woman,

with all the security costs
paid for by the state.

Yes.

Gosh, that lady's really sad.

Whereas I'm just tragic.

Here, have my golden ticket!

Do you really mean it?

Yes. Uh, but I have a condition.

- Oh... - That you have enough
bloody fun for the both of us.

- I will! Thanks!
- Mm!

Oh, God, what have I done?

Turned out nice again.

- What are you doing?
- Ooh, I thought I'd run the barbecue for you.

I confess, I've never done it before,

but I'm so good at everything else.

But last night, you had me put toothpaste

on your toothbrush for you. You
just don't live in the real world.

Well, it's not my fault!

I didn't ask to be brought
up in the lap of luxury.

I'm the victim here.

Sweetheart, where have you been all night?

Oh, Mom, I lost Harry during the
stag! I've looked everywhere.

- Oh! It's Harry. - Doria, please,
don't judge me on what I've done.

Judge me on what I could do

if I was properly supervised.

You're where?!

'Vagrants, free booze!

Right...

You, there!

- In the van!
- Just stay where you are!

I've told you once, sunshine --

you keep your snout... out.

Oh, they're not going anywhere.

They're now officially
designated as the Queen's swans.

And, as such, they can
wander wherever they like.

For that matter, defecate and
urinate wherever they like, too.

- Just like real swans!
- Yeah!

Bloody Protection Of Swans Act 1592...

Bollocks!

Well, I hope it pisses down on Saturday.

Oh, no.

I've got to go and tell
Kate I didn't have the snip.

Oh, I've dropped a right
bollock, Dame Amber.

She'll never want to marry me now.

If only I'd stayed at the spa!

And at least you wouldn't be
on the sex offenders list.

Plus, I'd have silky soft skin that glows.

She'll never forgive me.

Meghan! What are you doing here?

You're free to go. All
charges have been dropped.

- How? - I did learn one
or two things on Suits.

Like a legal loophole?

No. I showed him my bra.

Gosh, I'm looking forward to

spending the rest of my life with you.

We need to talk, Harry.

We're just so different.

I'm interested in developing
mind and body in unison,

and you're interested in getting
shitfaced with Lord Pissbucket.

But if you could just
MEET Lord Pissbucket...

We'll talk later.

- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing out of bed,

you dirty bird?

I'm sorry, Pippa. I had to see!

The programme isn't finished yet!

What's happened to me?!

I had one USP -- being thin!

And now I don't even have that.

Sounds like someone doesn't want
to admit they've been snacking.

But I haven't! I haven't had
anything apart from those diet fruit

smoothies you've been feeding me.

- What's in them?
- Just fruit.

You've been feeding me
liquidised doughnuts!

All right. I have.

When you walk down that aisle,

your arse

is going to be absolutely massive.

My arse?!

Is that why you've done this?

No. This isn't about my arse, is it?

This is about Harry and the wedding.

Those feelings you had for him,
they haven't gone away, have they?

And that's understandable, Pippa,

but you've got to manage those feelings.

You're right.

If I destroyed the wedding,
I WOULD feel better.

No, Pippa, that's not what I meant.

Fuck off, fatty!

Good luck getting into that dress.

Maybe I'll fall in love with some
ordinary chap, who turns out to be

the crown prince of Lichtenstein!

Oh, who am I kidding? That sort of
thing only happens in storybooks.

- Oh!
- Oof!

How clumsy of me.

- No, no, it was my fault.
- Sorry about your vegetables.

I'm sorry about your Faberge egg.

Are they from Fortnum's?

No, my allotment.

I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader
of the Labour Party.

Gosh! You're much better looking in
real life than you are on the telly.

Well, that is the biased BBC for you.

I'm Princess Beatrice,
eighth in line to the throne.

Oh, you know, I shouldn't really be seen

with members of the Royal family.

I'm notoriously anti-monarchy.

And I don't know what the Labour Party is.

Look, bit of a long shot,

but I've got a plus one to Harry
and Meghan's wedding on Saturday.

I don't suppose you'd like to come?

Oh...

I'm supposed to be picketing it
with Diane Abbott and John McDonnell.

Oh, you've got plans, it's fine.

No. Sod them.

I'd love to come. Here,
what are you doing right now?

Absolutely nothing.

You want to come to a meeting

on the renationalisation
of the water utilities?

I'd love to!

- I'm back!
- In here!

- How did it go?
- The operation?

- Yah, yah, pretty straightforward. Yah.
- Thanks for getting it done.

So, are you ready for your little reward?

Oh, I'm still a bit sore.

In fact, the doctor said we
shouldn't do anything like that

for a couple of weeks.

Or months.

But I looked it up on the internet
and you can do it straightaway.

You don't find me
attractive, do you, Wills?

It's all this extra weight.

No, Kate, you're beautiful!

I lied to you. I didn't have the snip.

- What?! - I just couldn't go
through with it. - But that's...

- .. wonderful.
- Huh?

You DO want to do it.

But you will have to wear a nodder.

Maybe not.

There's always what in the
Eurovision Song Contest they call

the Greek entry.

There.

Yeah, everything going
rather well, eh, Doria?

Yes. Surprisingly.

Ah, "Me, too."

I'm a huge supporter.

Although the interesting
thing about "me too" is,

it's a phrase frequently used
at the beginning of gang bangs.

- Excuse me?
- Well, you know...

Me, too! Ha!

Not that I've ever been to a gang bang.

Or approve of them.

Dreadful things. Eurgh.

Eurrrggghhh!

Whoo!

Sorry we're late, everybody.

Harry got held up at the...

Jail. I've been in jail.

For indecent exposure.

I'd like to propose a
toast to the happy couple.

Actually, Charles, we're
not getting married.

- That's your decision, honey.
- We're just too different.

Well, I can't pretend I
didn't see this coming.

I mean, you're the first person to
marry into the family who's actually

got a proper career.

A successful actress in Suits.

And now, nearing 40, you'll
be ready to hit the big time.

Why, older actresses are
simply flooded with work.

Are you sure, Meghan?

I bloody love you.

And I love you!

Of course I'll still marry you!

No, you can't!

Mom, you raised me to be a
strong, independent woman,

and that's what I am, so
I'm going to marry my prince

and live in a fairy tale castle!

Welcome to the family.

Oh!

Oh, how I've missed you.

It felt like I'd lost my right arm.

Good to see you too,
Camilla. How's tricks?

Bloody wedding.

The Tesco shopping sheep
have gone mad for it.

- It'll be over soon.
- This is just the beginning.

Meghan and Harry and Wills and Kate,

they're a unit.

The Fab Four.

They're the ones the public want now.

No, no, no, I'm incredibly popular.

Like Alexander the
Great, without the vanity.

They're side-lining you.

- Have you even got a role in
this wedding? - Well, erm...

- Uh, no.
- And I got this this morning

from the Slippers Association.

They're replacing you as
patron with Meghan and Kate.

They're worried you taint the brand.

What does that even mean?

Well, I suppose the nice
way of putting it is,

that they don't want your stink
rubbing off on their slippers.

Well, if you don't want to
be yesterday's chip paper,

I suggest you get a role in this wedding.

Well, I do have a lot to offer.

And I need to destroy

Meghan and Kate's friendship.

And with it, the Fab Four.

'And in Windsor, the
crowds are camping out,

ready for the big day tomo...

Wow, it's all getting so real.

I can't believe I'm
going to be a princess.

It's amazing how quickly
you get used to it.

I forget you were a gypsy
before you married Wills.

- Ha! Yeah.
- By the way, you look fantastic.

How did you lose the
baby weight so quickly?

I'm just lucky with my metabolism.

Actually, since we're friends...

(Liposuction.)

Liposuction, hey?

Pippa, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd pop in and see Meghan.

Where is Harry, by the way?

Oh, we thought we wouldn't see
each other before the wedding.

Really?

So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?

I'm feeling nervous and excited,
but I think it's important

that I recognise both
emotions as equally valid.

Yes, do talk like that in public.

British people don't find
it at all irritating.

So, big day tomorrow?

Yah, FA Cup Final.

No, it's your wedding.

Oh, yah, and thanks again
for being my best man.

I'm going to make sure the
whole day goes without a hitch.

Actually, it's great
practice for when I'm King.

Make a speech and sort of
jolly things along a bit,

but you don't have any actual say.

Well, you can tell people
where to leave their coats.

No, a King can't.

- Knock, knock.
- Pippa!

Just thought I'd wish you
all the best for tomorrow.

I must say, I never thought
anyone would tie you down.

Well, I wouldn't call it tied down.

Of course not. You'll
be happily married...

.. to the same woman for
the rest of your life.

Which, with the medical
care you Royals get,

could be 100 years, maybe longer.

For your information,
Harry and I made a pact

that we'd always use the NHS,

just like the most humble of our subjects.

Yah, unless it was something
we were really worried about

and needed to see someone fast.

Yah, or our schedules made things awkward.

Obviously, then we'd be
straight up Harley Street.

- Well, they'd probably
come to us. - Yeah.

I wonder what one gets for a
100th wedding anniversary.

Eugenie? This is Jeremy.

Pleased to meet you.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

- Is it Fair Trade?
- Sorry?

Oh, Jeremy and me are really into
Fair Trade, cos it's just, you know,

- tastier. - Fairer. - Fairer.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it's Hezbollah, best
not keep them waiting.

- Yo.
- Well?

Erm... yeah. He's... very nice.

He is amazing, isn't he?

And he's the first man I've ever met

that's got fewer qualifications than me.

Yeah.

Wouldn't you be better off with
someone like my fiance, Jack?

Simple, down-to-earth manager of
an exclusive Mayfair nightspot

and brand ambassador for
George Clooney's tequila?

No! I wouldn't swap him for anyone.

He's handsome, he's funny and he
knows an awful lot about Marxism.

Say, are you all set for the wedding?

Er, Jeremy and I have decided not to go.

- What?! - Yeah, we don't
believe in marriage.

We think it's a bourgeois construct.

Jeremy...

- .. Corbyn!
- Princess Anne.

- You've met before?
- I've still got the scars.

Jeremy once threw paint at me at a hunt,

and I had him horsewhipped.

Foxes have got rights.

You wouldn't say that if you'd

had one in the house
defecating on your sofa.

I'm not getting into
this debate again, Anne.

Good day.

Ah!

Well, I thought your boyfriend was awful.

- Fiance.
- Yes, that's why I'm here.

The budget for your
wedding is out of control.

It's going to be no more than Harry's.

Well, you forget, he's part of
the Fab Four and you're not.

But we can still have it
here at Windsor, can't we?

No! You'll have it at...

.. Hackney Town Hall!

It's the future, get used to it.

Oh, Beatrice, what am I going to do?

Well, it's like Jeremy always says.

The capitalist system's
stacked against us.

Ah, Harry. I've just been
restoring this Gainsborough --

didn't much care for the
expression on the wife's face.

She looked a bit judgy.

Nice. You wanted to see me?

Yes, I wanted to get more
involved in the wedding.

Thought I might help soothe
any last-minute nerves.

I haven't really got any.

Well, you shouldn't because
marriage isn't some suffocating trap.

- Oh. Good.
- I mean, granted,

the sex tends to tail off sharply,

and then there's that ghastly feeling

of being stuck with each other.

But these can be easily rectified...

.. by taking a mistress.

But then the whole
oppressive cycle starts over.

Well, I hope I've put your mind at rest.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, dear, when will I ever learn?

I'm supposed to SELL things on QVC.

Mind you, that fondue set's really good.

- Mummy, I found this in the
communal hallway. - Oh...

Hello, Fergie HRH Duchess of York.

It's American telly!

They want me to host the
coverage of the royal wedding.

They're offering me £1 million.

Fuck off!

I accept.

Oh, I can't believe it!

Well, that's all the debts cleared.

And you can turn your heating on.

Oh, don't forget your letter.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's from Harry.

He has invited me to the
royal wedding after all!

Oh, isn't that wonderful? After 25 years,

I'll finally be able to go to
something royal without sneaking in.

But, Mummy, if you go,

you won't be able to commentate on
it and you'll lose your £1 million.

Oh, no, but...

.. well, perhaps...

Oh, bollocks.

Ah, since I changed the
expression on the wife's face,

I thought the husband
should look more wistful.

Oh.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

I want to make sure you go down well

with the British public on your big day.

Oh, I love the British public.

I feel like we're
building an immutable bond.

Well, I secretly record them every time

I install a new garden
feature at Highgrove,

just to double check I'm still brilliant.

Which is how I heard this.

'I don't know about this Meghan Markle.

'Yeah, she's too confident
and self-assured.

- You see what I mean?
- It's all a piece of shit, isn't it?

Gah.

Oh, my God, I thought I was doing so well.

There's no need for tears.

You simply need a few pointers
on how to deal with the public.

That would be great.

Right, say you're on a walkabout,
what does one do with one's hands?

You pop one in your pocket like so,

and then you can take
care of the other one

by simply tugging at your
ear or scratching your nose.

But I've always felt very
at ease with my body.

No, no, no. It's simply not
possible -- nobody does.

Say a member of the public stops you

and wants an unstructured
conversation, what does one do?

I say,

"Hi, I'm here for you."

No, no, you smile, point like
this and simply move away.

No.

I have to be true to myself.

What's all that?

It's for Meghan, her something borrowed.

The Koh-i-noor Diamond.

The Indians have been
wanting it back for ages.

You're going to so much effort.

Makes what Meghan's been
saying about you all the worse.

What do you mean?

Oh...

I wasn't going to say anything.

Oh, well.

She said your wedding was far
too big and stiff and formal,

and hers will be much more fun.

If Meghan said that...

.. it is a bit ungrateful.

She says you're an ungrateful cow.

That's not very nice!

She called you evil, wicked

and -- I hate to say it -- badly dressed.

I think we both know who put that there.

Oh!

I hate to be a telltale, but...

Looks like someone's trying
to damn your mortal soul!

- Hello, Harry.
- Pippa!

Your last night of freedom.

Well, Meghan likes to call it

the last night before we
go on the greatest journey

two people can ever go on.

And what do you think, Harry?

Well, I've always thought the
greatest journey two people could

ever go on was Nemesis
Inferno at Thorpe Park.

Well, I wouldn't mind a ride.

I think Thorpe Park will be closed.

I meant something closer to home.

No, Legoland will be closed as well.

Well, how about a good-luck massage, then?

Yeah, that can't do any
harm. And I am a bit tense.

Pop your clothes off and onto the bed.

Little tradition from our days as
Kings of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha...

Pippa?

- We're busy. - Yah, Pippa's
giving me a good-luck massage.

It's very kind of her.

What's wrong with you?! You've
already got a billionaire husband

and a Belgravia mansion with its
own ridiculous car-stacking system.

It's not my fault we've got so many cars.

Why can't you just let people be happy?

Because all my life I've been second best.

Second to Kate, second to Alan Titchmarsh

as most-popular columnist
for Waitrose magazine.

And now second to Meghan Markle.

Well, I don't intend
to be second any more!

Lawks.

- You all right, bro?
- Yah.

You don't still have
feelings for Pippa, do you?

What? No! Just a few last-minute nerves.

Getting married is a big step.

It will be great. Look, marrying
Kate was the best thing I ever did.

We can spend a whole
day together gardening,

or snuggle up and watch
back-to-back Sex And The City films.

Sometimes we cook together.

At the moment, we're
in a Nigel Slater phase.

She's not only my lover.

She's my best friend.

Gott im Himmel!

Well, what a day we have in store.

One's thoughts inevitably do turn
to the canapes at the reception,

which I'm sure many of the
guests will be squirrelling away

in their handbags to
devour at a later date.

Ah, now, I've just spotted
the Princess Royal.

See if I can have a word with her.

Anne, looking forward to the big day?

No. I'd rather be with my horses.

Horses don't let you
down, not like people.

Though sometimes they
do kick you to death.

Wonderful to catch her in such
a good mood, as well, there.

Oh, and I've just seen that
some of the lucky winners

of the public ballot are
here, now arriving too.

Are you sure you're not coming, Bea?

No, it's just a vulgar display
of money by the ruling elite.

I don't care. Ed Sheeran's
doing the disco.

How do I look?

Like a puppet of the bourgeois oppressors.

Perfect. See you later!

♪ She may be the face I can't forget

♪ The trace of pleasure or regret... ♪

You look amazing.

Though, frankly, it's a bit formal.

Thank you for your voodoo doll.

I know how ungrateful you think I am.

I have gone out of my way to help you!

Well, I don't need your help any more.

I don't even need you
to be my maid of honour.

- You're fired!
- Oh, no, I'm not,

because I quit!

And your gun.

Kate!

Meghan.

Well, still no sign of Harry, I'm afraid.

Ah, now, I'm just hearing that, yes,
the bride's car has left the castle,

but apparently, without
the maid of honour.

So, lots of rumours flying
about here, as you can imagine,

but joining me now is someone who
might be able to shed a little bit

of light on the whole thing. It's
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.

Oh, people are making far too much of it.

I mean, yes, Kate's been
sacked as maid of honour,

and yes, their friendship is in tatters,

but I see no reason for people to
put that on Facebook or re-tweet it.

#MassiveRoyalFeud.

Lumme!

There you are. Come on.

No. I'm too young to get married.

You ain't going to find
another girl like Meghan.

But all that time with one person, Wills.

I just don't think I can hack it.

I'm sorry.

All right, then.

I'll go and tell the
Archbishop of Canterbury.

Wait a minute! Does
that television have Sky?

- Well, TalkTalk.
- Then put on Alibi, 312.

But we're watching the racing.

As your future king, I command you.

At last, this country's
got some leadership.

We now return you to Suits.

Sit down. You're out of order.

No, Your Honour.

YOU'RE out of order.

Counsel, you're in contempt.

No, YOU'RE in contempt.

Wow! She's all that and a bag of chips.

She is.

Overruled!

No, YOU'RE overruled.

Are you really going to leave
her standing at the altar?

No way.

Let's go!

Counsel, approach the bench.

No, YOU approach the bench!

Well, the guests are arriving now.

Ah, yes, Princess Michael of Kent there,

who specifically asks that I not
mention that her father was in

the SS and ended up in
Mozambique at the end of the war.

Ah, just seen that the groom and
the best man have arrived, so...

Yeah. Oh, and here comes the bride.

Oh, doesn't she look scrum-diddly-bloody-umptious!

Daddy!

Meghan, I say, Meghan, are you
ready to escort me down the aisle?

- I sure am!
- She got her good looks from me.

Just caught you in time.

- Pippa!
- I heard you fell out with Kate,

and didn't want you get
married without something old,

something new, something
borrowed, and something blue,

- so I brought you this.
- That's beautiful!

And you're beautiful.

Outside and in.

Sweet.

- Ow!
- So sorry. Did that hurt much?

It's fine. Thank you.

Come on, girl. I said, come on!

Good luck.

Our love is like two streams flowing
separately down a mountainside.

But today, our streams have
joined to form one mighty river.

Wider, stronger, more impactful.

Baked beans, cornflakes, lager...

.. bog roll.

Well, the reception's
certainly in full swing now.

The free champagne is
flowing, the '80s music...

Oh, sod the money.

If I'm not dancing to Level
42, then what the hell am I?

Fergs out.

Beatrice?

Beatrice!

Jeremy?

- Beatrice!
- I didn't think you'd come!

Because of your principles.

You've got to be flexible, haven't you?

And I do swear allegiance to the Queen.

Otherwise, I wouldn't get paid.

Anne!

You remember my fiance, Jack.

He's brand ambassador for
George Clooney's tequila.

Shot!

He does that any time anyone says tequila.

Shot!

See?

Anyway, about our wedding...

I've said my final word on the matter.

Or would you prefer to get
married in Lambeth Town Hall?

But I've been thinking,

the weddings are almost the entire
point of having a royal family.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Can you think of any other reason?

Oh, all right, then. You can have it here.

Brilliant! Jack, champagne.

- I mean, tequila!
- Shot!

- Are you all right, Dad?
- Yes.

No. I've tried to get involved in
this wedding, but I have to face it.

- I'm just a spare part.
- You told Elton John where to park his car.

Yes, but it's always been like this.

- I've never done anything.
- That's not true.

What about all those architectural
projects you've suppressed?

- Some of them got built.
- Yeah, but the designs had to be modified

- at great expense.
- I suppose.

Not bad for someone with no
architectural training whatsoever.

Maybe I am absolutely fantastic after all.

Look, why don't you make
the best man's speech?

Well, I suppose I could.

Here. It's all written down.

Oh, I've got my own material.

Everyone looking this way.

Come on, damn you. Hurry up!

Well, I'd just like to
welcome Meghan into the firm.

Of course, she's not the first
actress in the royal family.

Does anyone remember Nell Gwyn?

Pause for laughter.

Nell was also a prostitute.

Not that Meghan's ever
toyed with prostitution,

that I know of.

Pause for laughter.

One, two, three...

But isn't Meghan looking pretty today?

Sexist!

I'm merely pointing out that
she's a very pretty girl.

She's not a girl, she's a grown woman.

And you're a grown woman's front bottom!

Yeah, well, you're a total waste of money.

You never do or achieve anything.

You should know all about that.
You're an Arsenal supporter.

Right, first thing I do when I get in --

I'm going to abolish the lot of you.

Well, I shall make a date
in my diary. When's never?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Fuck off, big ears!
- Ooooh!

At least I was born with these.

What's your excuse for that
rat's nest around your chin?

Oh, bollocks to the lot of you!

They love me!

I have a role!

Come on, Beatrice.

Actually, Jeremy, I don't
think this is going to work.

I don't think Marxism's for me. I'm sorry.

You're probably right.

And in any case, I'm already married.

To my allotment.

- Right, Corbyn, out.
- I was leaving anyway.

- Not before I've given you the
thrashing of your life! - Oh!

Meghan, I haven't given you my present.

Lending me this was present enough.

No, no, no. That was only the half of it.

- What is it?
- It's antidote,

to the slow-acting poison I injected
you with when I pinned that brooch

on you earlier. Yes, it should
be kicking in about now.

Why would you do that to me?

Uh-uh-uh, grabby!

It's time for you to make a speech,
renouncing Harry and saying

that you've made a big mistake
and you're still in love with,

I don't know, some bloke from Suits.

No, I won't do it. I'd rather
die than live without Harry.

Meghan!

Oh, my God! The bride has collapsed.

Why am I still commentating?

Meghan! Wake up!

I don't think I've ever seen her so drunk.

- What have you done?
- Poisoned her.

But all she has to do is renounce Harry,

and I'll give her the antidote.

You're trying... to kill her?

Shot!

That's what any rational person would do.

Slow-acting poison on her wedding day?!

Well, maybe it is a bit OTT.

Please, Pippa, if you ever cared for me...

Give her the antidote!

Meghan!

Big up to the Windsor massive!

- Tequila!
- Shot!

Oh, Jack, you're the son I've never had.

- Tequila!
- Shot!

You saved my life. You need this back.

Oh, we don't need a piece of
tin to say we're best friends.

Actually, it's 24-carat gold.

Oh, maybe I will hang onto it, then.

Very touching. You might
have kissed and made up,

but good luck with trying
to convince the press.

Ah, the Slippers Association.

I thought I'd be hearing from you.

Please welcome to the floor, for
their first dance, the happy couple.

Thanks, and we're going to be
dancing to my new favourite record,

which is completely my own choice,
and nothing to do with Meghan --

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.

Not very dancey. How about...?

♪ Wind your body, wriggle your belly

♪ Dip and go down in a new style-ee

♪ Wind and go up, wind and go down

♪ Bobble and a rock to
the new style around

♪ Are you fe, line it up
Are you fe, wind it up

♪ Do the boom shack a lak
till the dance hall full up

♪ I say the boom shack a lak... ♪

Who did this?

Actually, I did!

She is going to fit in just fine.