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1
00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:04,562
Wimbledon's just weeks away.
It'll be all right.
2
00:00:04,587 --> 00:00:06,905
I can't watch it on the telly,
I just can't.
3
00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:10,294
I'm getting married next week
and Mummy has to be there.
4
00:00:10,319 --> 00:00:12,444
Oh, I wish I'd worn
some underwear now.
5
00:00:12,469 --> 00:00:14,135
I want us to relocate.
6
00:00:14,531 --> 00:00:17,213
Oh, darling, it's Donald Trump.
7
00:00:18,390 --> 00:00:19,390
Eurgh.
8
00:00:20,210 --> 00:00:21,810
Mr President.
9
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:29,261
Good evening, for some time now,
the relationship between myself
10
00:00:29,351 --> 00:00:32,495
and you, the people of Britain,
has been a difficult one.
11
00:00:33,565 --> 00:00:36,884
For some reason, you never
really seem to get me.
12
00:00:37,777 --> 00:00:39,815
Well, I tell you who does get me.
13
00:00:40,071 --> 00:00:41,171
America.
14
00:00:42,138 --> 00:00:45,612
And so it is, with a heavy
heart, that I have to tell you
15
00:00:46,703 --> 00:00:48,703
that you can take
your British crown
16
00:00:49,322 --> 00:00:52,083
and stick it where the
monkey sticks his nuts.
17
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:56,155
For clarity,
that's the monkey's anus.
18
00:00:57,742 --> 00:00:58,942
Good night.
19
00:00:59,322 --> 00:01:00,522
And goodbye.
20
00:01:19,783 --> 00:01:21,823
Dad, what's this all about?
21
00:01:22,045 --> 00:01:24,792
I'm gonna be King of America.
22
00:01:27,048 --> 00:01:30,060
But America doesn't have any kings,
why would they need a king?
23
00:01:30,225 --> 00:01:31,225
They have a president.
24
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:34,692
They want the checks and balances
we Windsors bring to the British
25
00:01:34,717 --> 00:01:38,132
political system, I'm gonna be
a stabilising influence.
26
00:01:38,157 --> 00:01:39,954
And Donald Trump's OK with that?
27
00:01:39,955 --> 00:01:41,618
Was his idea.
28
00:01:41,859 --> 00:01:43,650
Well, this makes no sense at all.
29
00:01:43,675 --> 00:01:45,715
Would you really just
turn your back on the country?
30
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:49,903
Why, shouldn't I? Every suggestion
I make over here is poo-pooed.
31
00:01:50,255 --> 00:01:53,303
For instance, my wind-powered train.
32
00:01:53,768 --> 00:01:55,569
But that won't fit
through the tunnels.
33
00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:58,703
It's that kind of negativity
that's making us leave.
34
00:01:58,728 --> 00:02:00,968
Why would Donald Trump want
someone brought in above him?
35
00:02:00,993 --> 00:02:03,648
Well, I think he wants someone
he could really look up to.
36
00:02:03,728 --> 00:02:06,351
But he's three years older than you
and a famous egomaniac.
37
00:02:06,488 --> 00:02:10,302
I don't care, I'm sick of waiting
to be King of England.
38
00:02:10,554 --> 00:02:16,224
I'm 71 years old, I've probably only
got 50, 60 useful years left.
39
00:02:16,249 --> 00:02:18,223
And I'm finally going to be Queen.
40
00:02:18,248 --> 00:02:20,646
Not of some crappy
backwater like Britain
41
00:02:20,671 --> 00:02:23,124
but of the most powerful
nation in the world.
42
00:02:23,288 --> 00:02:25,786
We'll be going to the
Oscars every year.
43
00:02:25,811 --> 00:02:27,154
And we won't have to sit through
44
00:02:27,179 --> 00:02:29,968
Michael McIntyre
at the Royal Variety Show.
45
00:02:30,008 --> 00:02:31,858
But he's only done it three times.
46
00:02:31,883 --> 00:02:33,921
Well, it feels like
a fuck of a lot more.
47
00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,167
There's something very fishy
about all of this.
48
00:02:42,048 --> 00:02:44,309
For clarity,
that's the monkey's anus.
49
00:02:44,334 --> 00:02:46,756
Whoa, good for Dad.
50
00:02:46,781 --> 00:02:51,463
Harry, the reason we're moving here
is to get away from your family.
51
00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:53,730
Yeah, but Dad's the only one
who doesn't laugh
52
00:02:53,755 --> 00:02:55,320
when you talk about homoeopathy.
53
00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:56,863
That's true.
54
00:02:56,888 --> 00:02:59,732
Like me, he's not afraid to
stand up for things that others
55
00:02:59,768 --> 00:03:01,528
say are stupid or made up.
56
00:03:01,553 --> 00:03:02,935
DOORBELL RINGS
57
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,528
That must be the new nanny.
58
00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:07,209
Thanks for taking care of it,
for some reason, all the ones
59
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:10,913
I put through 12-hour interviews
would storm out calling me a wanker.
60
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:12,609
Come in.
61
00:03:15,726 --> 00:03:16,726
Pippa!
62
00:03:16,969 --> 00:03:18,523
You're our new nanny?
63
00:03:18,711 --> 00:03:19,711
Yes.
64
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,973
And I'm practically
perfect in every way.
65
00:03:22,028 --> 00:03:23,543
Well, what do you think?
66
00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:25,600
Why would you wanna be our nanny?
67
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:27,007
I really need the job.
68
00:03:27,046 --> 00:03:29,000
Johnny's lost everything again.
69
00:03:29,025 --> 00:03:30,345
We're totally ruined.
70
00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:32,893
Well, I never heard anything.
No.
71
00:03:32,989 --> 00:03:36,231
No, we erm,
wanted to keep it quiet,
72
00:03:36,255 --> 00:03:39,391
so, erm, where's little Archie?
73
00:03:39,416 --> 00:03:40,916
Oh, is he in here?
74
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,303
No, that's a suitcase.
75
00:03:44,408 --> 00:03:45,720
He's in the pushchair.
76
00:03:45,745 --> 00:03:48,330
Ah, of course I never put my
one, erm...
77
00:03:48,454 --> 00:03:49,454
Arthur.
78
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:53,142
Exactly, I never put him
in a suitcase when I fly.
79
00:03:53,528 --> 00:03:55,816
Harry, could I have a quick word?
80
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,882
I don't think this is a good idea.
81
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:03,368
You and Pippa do have history.
82
00:04:03,792 --> 00:04:06,871
Don't worry, Meghan,
she might be in my wank bank,
83
00:04:07,644 --> 00:04:10,060
but there's only one
woman in my heart.
84
00:04:10,085 --> 00:04:11,085
Oh.
85
00:04:11,110 --> 00:04:13,221
Oh, isn't he lovely?
86
00:04:13,788 --> 00:04:16,103
OK, Pippa, you're hired.
87
00:04:18,371 --> 00:04:19,711
Thank you, ma'am.
88
00:04:26,262 --> 00:04:28,277
Here we are, girls.
89
00:04:29,264 --> 00:04:31,410
Oh, I do love a wedding.
90
00:04:31,976 --> 00:04:34,087
Reminds me of when I
married your father.
91
00:04:34,662 --> 00:04:38,007
The kiss on the balcony with
100,000 people watching.
92
00:04:38,032 --> 00:04:39,032
Yeah.
93
00:04:39,057 --> 00:04:42,128
Makes me realise why people
like dogging actually.
94
00:04:43,008 --> 00:04:44,941
Not that I've ever been dogging.
95
00:04:47,316 --> 00:04:48,616
What you gonna do for the dress?
96
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:51,715
Erm, shiny satin, puff ball
sleeve, shoulder pads?
97
00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:55,016
No, I was thinking something
a bit more simple and elegant.
98
00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:56,141
Oh, right.
99
00:04:56,528 --> 00:04:58,028
No, I mean, it's your day.
100
00:04:58,544 --> 00:05:00,403
I can't believe it's
finally happening.
101
00:05:00,428 --> 00:05:02,122
My dream wedding.
102
00:05:02,147 --> 00:05:05,416
In Windsor Great Chapel
with 850 people watching
103
00:05:05,441 --> 00:05:09,885
as I become
Mrs Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.
104
00:05:10,335 --> 00:05:12,576
So, who's going to walk
you down the aisle?
105
00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:13,607
Daddy, of course.
106
00:05:13,632 --> 00:05:15,618
Daddy? Well, he can't do it.
107
00:05:15,643 --> 00:05:17,683
Why? He walked you down the aisle.
108
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:21,100
Well, since then,
the landscape's changed.
109
00:05:21,342 --> 00:05:23,172
You know, the unpleasantness.
110
00:05:24,462 --> 00:05:26,262
I only just got in under the wire.
111
00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:29,362
Oh, there are other people that
could walk you down the aisle.
112
00:05:29,744 --> 00:05:31,063
Like Uncle Charles?
113
00:05:31,088 --> 00:05:34,950
But every Christmas at Balmoral,
he made you sleep in the wood shed.
114
00:05:34,975 --> 00:05:36,075
Nope.
115
00:05:36,181 --> 00:05:37,858
Don't mean Charles.
No, . . .
116
00:05:38,142 --> 00:05:40,832
no, I was thinking, erm,
someone a little closer to home.
117
00:05:41,218 --> 00:05:43,814
Erm, perhaps someone who did
more of the heavy lifting
118
00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:45,735
when you were growing up.
119
00:05:46,098 --> 00:05:47,409
Nanny?
No.
120
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,464
Er, you're not making any sense.
I want Daddy.
121
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,355
Unfortunately,
so do a lot of American lawyers.
122
00:05:55,062 --> 00:05:57,755
So what you're saying is
I can either have a big wedding
123
00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:00,502
without Daddy,
or a small wedding with him?
124
00:06:05,142 --> 00:06:06,972
Thanks for dinner, Donald,
125
00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:12,204
and I, for one, didn't think that
Trump Tower was absolutely ghastly.
126
00:06:12,317 --> 00:06:14,199
I just love the way you talk.
127
00:06:14,224 --> 00:06:15,332
So classy.
128
00:06:15,357 --> 00:06:17,902
That's what you bring to the party.
Class.
129
00:06:17,927 --> 00:06:19,846
Donald, back in Britain,
130
00:06:19,871 --> 00:06:23,415
one of my most important jobs
was the Maundy Money ceremony
131
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:28,081
and I was wondering if we could have
a day here where old age pensioners
132
00:06:28,106 --> 00:06:31,809
wait in the cold for me to give them
money they can't spend in shops.
133
00:06:31,902 --> 00:06:32,902
You got it.
134
00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:34,606
Here's something else you got.
135
00:06:34,902 --> 00:06:37,215
The Royal Yacht Americana.
136
00:06:37,662 --> 00:06:40,164
Four times the size
of the Royal Yacht Britannia.
137
00:06:40,270 --> 00:06:41,762
She's a beauty.
138
00:06:42,309 --> 00:06:45,437
I'll never forget the day that
Britannia was decommissioned,
139
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:49,817
the only time I've ever seen
Mummy and Daddy express emotion.
140
00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:51,823
It's a beautiful story.
141
00:06:51,824 --> 00:06:53,862
Gooo!
142
00:06:54,222 --> 00:06:56,356
King Charles preparing to board.
143
00:06:56,903 --> 00:06:58,485
Care to take the bridge, sir?
144
00:06:58,704 --> 00:07:00,544
Why, thank you.
145
00:07:00,928 --> 00:07:03,762
Lemming speed.
Gooo!
146
00:07:03,787 --> 00:07:07,635
Great plan you came up with,
so clever, so simple, like me.
147
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:10,057
I want you, I haven't felt this way
148
00:07:10,082 --> 00:07:12,082
since Stormy Daniels,
which never happened.
149
00:07:12,107 --> 00:07:13,107
Fake news.
150
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:15,068
Not until after the Coronation.
151
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,680
But when my husband
sits on the throne of America,
152
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:22,777
I'll sit on whatever you like.
Grrrrr.
153
00:07:25,424 --> 00:07:29,179
To Harry and Meghan
and their new life in North America.
154
00:07:29,474 --> 00:07:30,817
Hooray!
155
00:07:31,177 --> 00:07:33,864
And to think the British tabloid
press have got everyone thinking
156
00:07:33,889 --> 00:07:34,989
that we're feuding.
157
00:07:35,451 --> 00:07:38,438
Oh, the tabloid journalists
don't half get up to some tricks.
158
00:07:38,622 --> 00:07:39,667
Cheeky buggers.
159
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,853
He's just gone down, ma'am.
160
00:07:43,878 --> 00:07:44,878
Pippa!
161
00:07:44,903 --> 00:07:46,735
Are you Harry and Meghan's
new nanny?
162
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,593
Yes, and we don't know how
we ever managed without her.
163
00:07:49,618 --> 00:07:50,697
But why?
164
00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,161
Johnny lost everything.
165
00:07:52,186 --> 00:07:53,242
Again?
166
00:07:54,342 --> 00:07:57,552
Oh, Meghan, I've had a thought
on your UN Climate Change speech.
167
00:07:57,577 --> 00:08:00,771
Climate Change speech?
Sure that's a good idea?
168
00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:03,865
Why? Because I can't speak
out on the big issues?
169
00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:05,780
No, because you flew here
on a private jet.
170
00:08:05,805 --> 00:08:08,469
They had to,
for the safety of her family.
171
00:08:08,736 --> 00:08:10,928
And in case she sat next
to someone from Birmingham.
172
00:08:10,953 --> 00:08:12,993
Right, and what's wrong
with people from Birmingham?
173
00:08:13,365 --> 00:08:15,646
Don't they deserve to sit next
to a royal once in a while?
174
00:08:15,671 --> 00:08:17,871
See if they have the vegetarian
option or the chicken.
175
00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:20,430
I always eat the vegetarian option.
176
00:08:20,556 --> 00:08:23,621
Meghan, you make this speech,
you're opening Pandora's Box.
177
00:08:24,464 --> 00:08:26,943
And that's a notoriously
difficult box to close.
178
00:08:29,307 --> 00:08:30,684
Sorry about Wills.
179
00:08:30,709 --> 00:08:32,519
He's a bit upset about
this Coronation.
180
00:08:32,807 --> 00:08:34,407
Thinks there's something
fishy about it.
181
00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:35,932
And what do you think?
182
00:08:35,976 --> 00:08:39,187
I think it's a great excuse
for a holiday, I'd better go too.
183
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,600
Well done on the new career, Pippa.
184
00:08:41,851 --> 00:08:43,893
This could be a real
turning point for you.
185
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:45,624
Ow.
186
00:08:45,649 --> 00:08:48,748
So, Pippa,
you had a thought on my speech?
187
00:08:48,773 --> 00:08:51,677
Oh, yes, you said you wanted
to reach out to the Chinese,
188
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:54,196
well, I speak Chinese, I thought
189
00:08:54,221 --> 00:08:57,549
maybe I could translate
some of your speech into Mandarin.
190
00:08:57,775 --> 00:08:59,353
You speak Chinese?
191
00:08:59,378 --> 00:09:02,510
Yes, I spent a lot of time in
Hong Kong with my brother, James.
192
00:09:02,622 --> 00:09:05,534
He set up a personalised
marshmallow business which failed.
193
00:09:05,744 --> 00:09:07,585
That's a wonderful idea.
194
00:09:07,725 --> 00:09:10,497
Calling out the Chinese
in their own language.
195
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:15,663
Yes, and with my help, you're
going to make quite an impact.
196
00:09:17,859 --> 00:09:20,717
Ah-hah, just finished my side
of the guest list.
197
00:09:20,742 --> 00:09:21,828
Ha-ha.
198
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:26,178
Now, there'll be a couple of
Saudi princes there, who Interpol
199
00:09:26,203 --> 00:09:29,665
might want to have a chat with
on the day, will that be a problem?
200
00:09:32,616 --> 00:09:33,616
What's all this?
201
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,741
Nothing, Daddy.
202
00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:37,774
Just a bit emotional, eh?
203
00:09:38,090 --> 00:09:40,410
Well, I must admit, I get a bit
like that myself sometimes.
204
00:09:40,902 --> 00:09:44,088
Thinking about me
walking you down the aisle.
205
00:09:44,113 --> 00:09:45,792
Daddy, you can't come
to the wedding.
206
00:09:45,942 --> 00:09:46,942
What?
207
00:09:47,066 --> 00:09:48,366
I'm sorry.
208
00:09:48,492 --> 00:09:52,468
It's just, I've always
wanted a big wedding, and
209
00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:54,820
after that TV interview you did,
210
00:09:54,919 --> 00:09:57,500
the public just won't
wear it if you're there.
211
00:09:59,038 --> 00:10:00,338
I see.
212
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,680
I'm so sorry, Daddy.
213
00:10:02,705 --> 00:10:05,287
Hah, I really do see.
214
00:10:06,342 --> 00:10:09,686
Well, of course, I'll still get
the Saudis to pay for everything.
215
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:13,816
Ha, I'll be all right,
I'll be at home watching it on the telly
216
00:10:13,841 --> 00:10:15,952
with a,
with a glass of champers.
217
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,444
Oh, Daddy!
218
00:10:19,275 --> 00:10:21,847
Well, you've done it this
time, you bloody idiot.
219
00:10:22,001 --> 00:10:23,837
All that privilege you've had.
220
00:10:23,862 --> 00:10:25,562
You could've made the
world a better place.
221
00:10:25,587 --> 00:10:28,232
But, instead, you've hung
about with tin pot dictators,
222
00:10:28,257 --> 00:10:30,934
arms dealers, and a paedophile.
223
00:10:31,542 --> 00:10:34,358
Huh, well, that stops today.
224
00:10:34,782 --> 00:10:36,486
I'm going to change.
225
00:10:38,649 --> 00:10:41,974
I'm going to be a better man.
226
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:43,366
Daddy, I knew it.
227
00:10:43,391 --> 00:10:45,672
You are honourable.
228
00:10:46,231 --> 00:10:48,525
We've got some very special guests
here in the US.
229
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,863
Kate and William,
how do you like America?
230
00:10:50,888 --> 00:10:53,277
There's a looseness here
that really rubs off on one.
231
00:10:54,188 --> 00:10:56,478
Ha-ha-ha, wee!
232
00:10:56,598 --> 00:10:58,197
It's fun, come on.
233
00:10:58,222 --> 00:10:59,901
Ha-ha-ha!
234
00:11:00,342 --> 00:11:02,530
You're, you're right, quite fun.
235
00:11:08,272 --> 00:11:11,505
What a couple, no wonder people
are asking why these two aren't
236
00:11:11,530 --> 00:11:13,424
gonna be America's king and queen.
237
00:11:13,904 --> 00:11:15,785
I can't find the pheasant's arse.
238
00:11:21,822 --> 00:11:23,740
Not good.
239
00:11:26,142 --> 00:11:27,503
Well, you were right,
240
00:11:27,504 --> 00:11:29,142
America's quite a place.
241
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:31,842
I mean, have you seen the size of this sandwich?
I know.
242
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:34,030
Everything's just that
bit bigger and better.
243
00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:35,164
Wills, Kate.
244
00:11:35,189 --> 00:11:37,485
So handsome, so pretty, so hot.
245
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:39,866
Oh, Donald, why,
why did you want to see us?
246
00:11:40,062 --> 00:11:41,862
I caught you two on Fox News.
247
00:11:41,982 --> 00:11:44,263
You're a big hit with the American
people, such a big hit.
248
00:11:44,382 --> 00:11:46,325
And the American people
are a big hit with us.
249
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:47,350
Beautiful.
250
00:11:47,375 --> 00:11:48,583
Now let me get straight to it,
251
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:52,239
I want you two to be
King and Queen of America.
252
00:11:52,264 --> 00:11:54,924
What? But you've already
asked Dad and Camilla.
253
00:11:55,386 --> 00:11:56,825
They're a tough sell.
Too old.
254
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,731
I need a king and queen the
people can get behind, I need you.
255
00:11:59,877 --> 00:12:02,152
I, I don't understand
why you even want a king.
256
00:12:02,376 --> 00:12:04,793
Because I need controlling,
I'm erratic.
257
00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:07,825
Last week, I nearly nuked Italy
cos I had a bad pizza.
258
00:12:07,888 --> 00:12:09,449
So bad.
Too many olives.
259
00:12:09,474 --> 00:12:11,139
Where's my launch code?
260
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:14,422
I mean, it does sound like you'll
be doing the world a favour.
261
00:12:14,742 --> 00:12:18,161
And, Wills, since you came to
America, I do feel that I've, erm,
262
00:12:18,969 --> 00:12:21,009
blossomed as a woman.
263
00:12:21,611 --> 00:12:24,141
It's like I've been in a dusty room
and someone's thrown open
264
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:28,615
the shutters, I feel like I could
even use a public lavatory.
265
00:12:28,944 --> 00:12:30,942
Oh, I had no idea you felt this way.
266
00:12:31,090 --> 00:12:32,730
So, what do you say,
have we got a deal?
267
00:12:32,755 --> 00:12:34,331
Shall I put you down
for King and Queen?
268
00:12:34,356 --> 00:12:37,632
Erm, well, can, can we have a
little time to think about it?
269
00:12:37,662 --> 00:12:40,832
I'm sorry but I'm gonna need
an answer RIGHT NOW!
270
00:12:46,353 --> 00:12:49,032
All right, we'll do it.
Oh!
271
00:12:58,534 --> 00:12:59,757
We need to talk.
272
00:12:59,974 --> 00:13:01,655
Is it about my wind train?
273
00:13:02,006 --> 00:13:04,808
The faster it goes,
the windier it gets.
274
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,454
You're fired.
What?
275
00:13:06,479 --> 00:13:08,690
And this is what I think
of your wind train.
276
00:13:10,026 --> 00:13:12,373
Heeurghurgh. Eugh!
277
00:13:12,454 --> 00:13:14,248
Aren't you forgetting
something, Donald?
278
00:13:14,658 --> 00:13:17,387
Without us, my plan won't work.
279
00:13:17,412 --> 00:13:19,926
All I need for our plan
is a senior British royal
280
00:13:19,951 --> 00:13:21,213
to become America's king.
281
00:13:21,214 --> 00:13:22,812
You won't get anyone else.
282
00:13:23,379 --> 00:13:26,111
And I think you're forgetting
about our previous encounter
283
00:13:26,136 --> 00:13:31,518
back in Blighty. When you
couldn't, erm, close the deal.
284
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:35,109
Are you blackmailing me?
In an election year, yes.
285
00:13:35,134 --> 00:13:36,333
Bring it on, Camilla.
286
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,939
Putin's got a video of a
prostitute making pee-pee on me.
287
00:13:39,216 --> 00:13:41,871
A story about me having sex with
a woman my own age
288
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,191
would be an electoral boon.
289
00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:45,015
I'm serious, Donald, I'll do it!
290
00:13:45,016 --> 00:13:47,814
Don't care. Nothing sticks to me.
I'm Teflon, like a pan.
291
00:13:47,974 --> 00:13:51,839
And, FYI, I've already got a king
and queen lined up to replace you.
292
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,499
And they're gonna be a much
easier sell than you.
293
00:13:55,054 --> 00:13:56,704
Hasta la vista, baby.
294
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:01,646
Ah, well!
At least there's Britain.
295
00:14:01,671 --> 00:14:03,428
Where you tell them to stick
their crown
296
00:14:03,453 --> 00:14:06,779
where the monkey sticks its nuts.
Its anus.
297
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,626
Oh, this isn't over.
298
00:14:11,134 --> 00:14:14,412
If there's one thing I learnt
in my year as a debutante,
299
00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:17,095
if someone tries to fuck you over,
300
00:14:17,738 --> 00:14:20,270
you fuck them back even harder.
301
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,846
Bbbrr-rrrr!
302
00:14:24,294 --> 00:14:26,213
Quinoa. Quinoa.
303
00:14:26,254 --> 00:14:29,248
Goji berries. Banaaaana.
304
00:14:29,362 --> 00:14:33,229
I like to open my vocal cords by
listing superfoods.
305
00:14:33,254 --> 00:14:34,354
How clever.
306
00:14:34,379 --> 00:14:37,447
Good luck, Meghan. I know, whatever
you say, it'll come from the heart.
307
00:14:37,472 --> 00:14:39,420
Mm.
Go.
308
00:14:39,864 --> 00:14:41,564
APPLAUSE
309
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,057
The Duchess of Sussex will now
310
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:45,488
address the assembly
on climate change.
311
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,860
SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
312
00:14:52,894 --> 00:14:56,894
AUDIENCE REACTS
313
00:15:18,214 --> 00:15:19,293
GASPING
314
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:22,439
Thank you! I thought
that would shake you up.
315
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:27,506
That was great!
I'm still buzzing.
316
00:15:27,531 --> 00:15:31,102
Your pronunciation was perfect.
They'll have understood every word.
317
00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:33,252
So will I get a job on the
Chinese pig farm, too?
318
00:15:33,574 --> 00:15:35,614
What?
PHONE BUZZES
319
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:39,777
Pippa?
Mm.
320
00:15:39,802 --> 00:15:41,594
What did you make me say out there?
321
00:15:42,022 --> 00:15:44,062
Why don't you ask your new friends?
322
00:15:44,873 --> 00:15:46,427
What's going on?
323
00:15:49,747 --> 00:15:52,754
I can't believe how casually
dressed we are for our coronation.
324
00:15:52,779 --> 00:15:55,289
We'll be able to go straight to
brunch without getting changed.
325
00:15:55,314 --> 00:15:57,665
Yah, we'll be just like the
people we're ruling.
326
00:15:58,439 --> 00:16:00,884
Oh.
I mean, there are drawbacks.
327
00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:03,322
We'll miss Wimbledon,
but the US Open is still
328
00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:06,361
quite a good tennis tournament.
You all right, Wills?
329
00:16:06,657 --> 00:16:07,977
Er, yah.
330
00:16:08,974 --> 00:16:10,129
No.
331
00:16:10,414 --> 00:16:12,364
We could never be like the
people we're ruling.
332
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,400
Doesn't matter how many light sweaters
or pairs of cargo pants we put on
333
00:16:15,512 --> 00:16:16,912
they'll still have to bow to us!
334
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:18,510
Well, that's not so bad, is it?
335
00:16:18,535 --> 00:16:20,373
Well, not for the British.
336
00:16:20,374 --> 00:16:22,053
They're conditioned to
look up to us.
337
00:16:22,178 --> 00:16:24,990
But the Americans are a free,
proud people
338
00:16:25,015 --> 00:16:26,786
capable of independent thought.
339
00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:28,695
They don't need a king!
340
00:16:28,859 --> 00:16:31,073
Well, what about if we just
ask them not to bow?
341
00:16:33,502 --> 00:16:36,886
I'm sorry, Kate, it's not enough.
342
00:16:41,849 --> 00:16:43,528
So none of the family are coming?
343
00:16:43,553 --> 00:16:47,671
No. I decided I don't want a big
wedding if I can't have Daddy.
344
00:16:48,152 --> 00:16:49,471
So who's done the catering?
345
00:16:49,496 --> 00:16:51,536
I have. I made sarnies.
Oh.
346
00:16:52,191 --> 00:16:53,191
Great!
347
00:16:53,552 --> 00:16:56,619
But where is Daddy?
We're due to start.
348
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,912
He said he'd changed.
349
00:16:58,937 --> 00:17:02,718
Well, maybe it's time that you
seriously looked at other options.
350
00:17:02,743 --> 00:17:05,079
But there's no-one. He's my father.
351
00:17:05,104 --> 00:17:07,364
He's supposed to walk me
down the aisle.
352
00:17:07,658 --> 00:17:10,906
But what about your mother? Me.
The woman that gave birth to you!
353
00:17:10,931 --> 00:17:13,353
And all the... the sarnies for
the reception.
354
00:17:13,504 --> 00:17:15,544
Why can't I walk you down the aisle?
355
00:17:17,374 --> 00:17:18,573
Oh, here's Daddy now.
356
00:17:18,643 --> 00:17:20,562
Ah, sorry I'm late.
357
00:17:20,587 --> 00:17:23,820
I bought you these. Something blue.
358
00:17:23,974 --> 00:17:27,684
Daddy! You ARE a changed man.
359
00:17:27,826 --> 00:17:31,908
You know what, I think I am.
360
00:17:35,419 --> 00:17:37,772
Ah! This is Nadia.
361
00:17:38,014 --> 00:17:39,333
She's a professional.
362
00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,230
Erm, physiotherapist.
363
00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:42,453
She's very young, Daddy.
364
00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:45,965
Is she? Huh, I just look for
a good... sense of humour.
365
00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:48,390
Look, how long is this gonna take?
It's just I promised Nadia
366
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,045
I'd take her to the casino.
367
00:17:52,219 --> 00:17:54,850
Actually, Mummy, you're on.
368
00:17:54,875 --> 00:17:56,565
What?
Really?
369
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:00,880
Hit it!
370
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:05,723
MUSIC PLAYS
371
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:13,204
I still can't believe Meghan's
claimed political asylum in China.
372
00:18:13,229 --> 00:18:14,632
I just didn't see it coming.
373
00:18:14,657 --> 00:18:17,074
Yes, it's quite a PR coup
for the People's Republic.
374
00:18:17,099 --> 00:18:19,667
More champagne?
So, does this mean she's left me?
375
00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:22,385
You've had a lucky escape. I mean,
she certainly doesn't think
376
00:18:22,414 --> 00:18:24,454
much of you and your family.
No.
377
00:18:24,856 --> 00:18:27,008
But even though she said all
those things, I think
378
00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:28,592
I love her just the same.
379
00:18:29,014 --> 00:18:30,695
But she's changed you.
380
00:18:30,736 --> 00:18:32,712
You used to be a beer-loving
rugger bugger.
381
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:34,369
Now you're a beer-loving
rugger bugger
382
00:18:34,394 --> 00:18:36,526
who pretends to like mindfulness.
383
00:18:36,552 --> 00:18:38,484
But I do like mindliness.
384
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,718
And she's promised to
explain what it is.
385
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,488
Right.
386
00:18:43,896 --> 00:18:45,573
Oh, wait here.
387
00:18:45,574 --> 00:18:47,167
I'll go and get her.
388
00:18:48,138 --> 00:18:50,903
No need, Pippa. I'm already here.
389
00:18:50,987 --> 00:18:53,330
Meghan! Oh.
390
00:18:53,487 --> 00:18:55,629
I don't know what you hoped
to achieve, Pippa.
391
00:18:55,654 --> 00:18:58,857
I was hoping you'd be in a wooden
crate on your way to Beijing.
392
00:18:59,201 --> 00:19:02,058
You're the closest thing
to pure evil that...
393
00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:03,661
Oh, save it!
394
00:19:03,785 --> 00:19:06,074
He's never gonna leave you.
I know that now.
395
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,513
And I'm walking away. Oh,
are you going back to Johnny and Arthur?
396
00:19:09,645 --> 00:19:11,261
Who?
Your husband and little boy.
397
00:19:11,286 --> 00:19:13,387
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I could do.
398
00:19:13,699 --> 00:19:15,487
Yah. Anyway, goodbye and good luck.
399
00:19:15,519 --> 00:19:17,713
Not so fast, missy.
400
00:19:17,738 --> 00:19:18,932
Oh, what now?
401
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,375
We've got a contract.
402
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:24,047
You're our nanny in Canada
for the next six months.
403
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:28,026
But surely after all this...
We struggle to keep staff.
404
00:19:28,174 --> 00:19:31,082
BABY CRIES
405
00:19:35,859 --> 00:19:36,859
Oh!
406
00:19:44,289 --> 00:19:46,048
Donald!
There he is.
407
00:19:46,073 --> 00:19:48,153
So kingly, what a king!
But we should go.
408
00:19:48,278 --> 00:19:51,235
We need to get you crownified.
And what a crown, so beautiful.
409
00:19:51,354 --> 00:19:53,533
Sponsored by Burger King.
Oh, yah, it's about...
410
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:57,143
Hold on! We are gonna sue
you for breach of promise.
411
00:19:57,168 --> 00:19:59,261
Oh, we'll do far worse than that.
412
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,636
Just a minute,
I've got something to say.
413
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,414
I'm not going to be King of America.
414
00:20:04,439 --> 00:20:05,876
What? What?
What?
415
00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:08,565
America shouldn't have... Whatever.
You're back in, Charles.
416
00:20:08,639 --> 00:20:10,721
Oh, I'm glad you saw it my way.
417
00:20:11,052 --> 00:20:12,052
Splendid.
418
00:20:12,201 --> 00:20:15,725
Well, perhaps I should say... swell!
LAUGHING
419
00:20:16,037 --> 00:20:17,931
Come on, let's get you coronorated.
420
00:20:18,364 --> 00:20:20,404
Look, you didn't resign.
I fired you.
421
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:23,217
Let's get this over with and get
to the real reason I want a king.
422
00:20:23,242 --> 00:20:25,469
Real reason?
That's right, smart guy.
423
00:20:25,555 --> 00:20:29,328
You just cut yourself out of the
biggest deal in history.
424
00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:31,732
Donald! When I get a
British king on the throne,
425
00:20:31,757 --> 00:20:34,084
Britain becomes America's
51st state.
426
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:38,161
I could turn the whole island into
a huge offshore
427
00:20:38,186 --> 00:20:39,667
chlorinated chicken farm.
428
00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:42,292
And anything that's left, I'm gonna
freakin frack the fuck out of.
429
00:20:42,317 --> 00:20:44,500
You fool!
Not before he's crowned.
430
00:20:45,275 --> 00:20:48,696
Yuff, doesn't sound like
traditional farming methods.
431
00:20:48,721 --> 00:20:50,571
I knew there was something
fishy going on.
432
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,044
Not on my watch, buster.
433
00:20:53,069 --> 00:20:55,335
Szhee... Weerr...
434
00:20:55,448 --> 00:20:58,904
But it was her ide... Argh!
435
00:21:01,037 --> 00:21:02,116
Let's go home.
436
00:21:02,117 --> 00:21:04,724
Right you are, grasshopper.
437
00:21:07,637 --> 00:21:09,770
Who'd have thought that the
happiest day of my life
438
00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:12,177
would also be the cheapest one
to cater?
439
00:21:12,202 --> 00:21:14,006
There may not be any royal
guests here,
440
00:21:14,031 --> 00:21:17,920
but it's still a great wedding.
Welcome to the club.
441
00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:19,882
BOTH: Whay!
442
00:21:19,914 --> 00:21:22,921
Oh, both my girls married.
Oh!
443
00:21:23,117 --> 00:21:26,115
Take it from me, girls,
don't leave it too long to have children.
444
00:21:26,140 --> 00:21:27,679
I need to be a grandma.
445
00:21:28,405 --> 00:21:32,614
Also I need something for the fourth
instalment of my autobiography.
446
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,036
THEY LAUGH
447
00:21:34,037 --> 00:21:37,022
Oh, ha-ha-ha, yeah!
It was a joke, that, yeah.
448
00:21:37,244 --> 00:21:39,127
You came!
OMG!
449
00:21:39,152 --> 00:21:41,371
Could hardly miss a royal wedding,
could we?
450
00:21:41,396 --> 00:21:45,010
Unfortunately Daddy's not here.
Oh, wonderful.
451
00:21:46,489 --> 00:21:48,529
MUSIC PLAYS
452
00:21:59,357 --> 00:22:00,558
You all right, Dad?
453
00:22:01,759 --> 00:22:05,611
Oh, I just really wanted to be
King of America.
454
00:22:05,837 --> 00:22:07,305
You will be a king.
455
00:22:07,517 --> 00:22:09,557
But here in the country you belong.
456
00:22:09,919 --> 00:22:14,253
A country where we drink warm beer,
play cricket on the village green,
457
00:22:14,278 --> 00:22:16,536
and eat cod and chips out
of newspaper.
458
00:22:16,679 --> 00:22:19,348
Oh, you've never done any of
those things in your life.
459
00:22:19,373 --> 00:22:20,904
No, but I always meant to.
460
00:22:25,037 --> 00:22:28,776
You see, unlike America,
Britain actually needs a king.
461
00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:32,277
I mean, without it what would
happen to our class system?
462
00:22:32,747 --> 00:22:35,192
Or the people who collect
biscuit tins with our face on.
463
00:22:36,052 --> 00:22:38,572
Or the simple idea that some people
are just better than others?
464
00:22:39,365 --> 00:22:40,800
You're right.
465
00:22:41,117 --> 00:22:43,157
Now I've given it some
consideration,
466
00:22:43,301 --> 00:22:45,035
America was rather vulgar.
467
00:22:45,275 --> 00:22:46,714
Britain's where we belong.
468
00:22:46,777 --> 00:22:50,853
And though we Windsors may seem
469
00:22:50,878 --> 00:22:53,902
a needless drain on the
country's finances
470
00:22:53,927 --> 00:22:58,634
and lack the expertise,
charisma, and the basic
471
00:22:58,659 --> 00:23:00,526
intelligence to go with leadership,
472
00:23:00,624 --> 00:23:04,201
we are still Britain's royal family.
473
00:23:04,553 --> 00:23:05,753
It's the law.
474
00:23:05,803 --> 00:23:10,353
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