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1
00:00:02,719 --> 00:00:04,515
Take that, you robot fucker!
2
00:00:04,540 --> 00:00:08,264
I wish I was married.
Or at least engaged.
3
00:00:08,289 --> 00:00:10,609
- I've just been to see Mummy.
- Oh?
4
00:00:10,634 --> 00:00:13,826
You're looking at the new
Defender of the Faith.
5
00:00:16,074 --> 00:00:18,890
Me, Mrs Queenie number one son,
6
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,388
done talk big ting with boss man
in fluffy cloud.
7
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,583
Charles, where are the large
vodka glasses?
8
00:00:24,797 --> 00:00:26,399
What the fuck's going on here?
9
00:00:26,399 --> 00:00:28,099
If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
10
00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:31,386
I've gathered together some
of our foremost religious leaders.
11
00:00:31,386 --> 00:00:33,751
Well, now I'm defender
of all faiths,
12
00:00:33,751 --> 00:00:37,729
I'm creating a society where every
religion is treated equally.
13
00:00:37,729 --> 00:00:39,813
But with me as the head.
14
00:00:40,419 --> 00:00:42,531
Why can't you just
leave things alone?
15
00:00:42,556 --> 00:00:44,348
It's not like you've got
a great track record
16
00:00:44,373 --> 00:00:47,637
When it comes to religion. Remember
when you supported that paedo?
17
00:00:47,662 --> 00:00:50,263
If you're referring to the
Bishop of Lewis and Gloucester
18
00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:52,826
I suggest you use his proper title.
- Sorry.
19
00:00:53,111 --> 00:00:54,267
Paedophile.
20
00:00:54,425 --> 00:00:55,425
KNOCK ON DOOR
21
00:00:55,450 --> 00:00:56,550
Hello, there.
22
00:00:57,010 --> 00:01:01,064
Ian Drabble, I heard you're widening
your remit vis-a-vis
23
00:01:01,089 --> 00:01:04,415
your new role as defender
of all faiths. - Yes.
24
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,368
Well, I'm the Leader
of the High grove Village branch
25
00:01:08,393 --> 00:01:09,593
of the Church of Satan.
26
00:01:11,487 --> 00:01:14,861
And we were wondering,
if you'd do us the honour
27
00:01:14,886 --> 00:01:17,905
of officiating at this
evening's black mass.
28
00:01:17,930 --> 00:01:21,722
There'll be informal drinks
and light bites afterwards.
29
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,176
It sounds like a very
interesting proposition.
30
00:01:24,403 --> 00:01:26,052
Charles, you can't be serious.
31
00:01:26,262 --> 00:01:28,094
Well, they're a recognised church.
32
00:01:28,374 --> 00:01:31,136
Great British scum already think
you're a crank who spends your day
33
00:01:31,161 --> 00:01:32,670
talking to his daffodils.
34
00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:34,740
If they find out you've
officiated at a black mass,
35
00:01:34,765 --> 00:01:37,171
your chance of becoming king
will be precisely zero.
36
00:01:37,196 --> 00:01:39,511
Nonsense, they'll think
I'm a man of principle.
37
00:01:39,536 --> 00:01:43,058
Besides, I hear at these things
they often have nuddy ladies.
38
00:01:43,566 --> 00:01:45,144
I accept your offer.
39
00:01:45,198 --> 00:01:47,584
So shall we say six for 6.15?
40
00:02:10,432 --> 00:02:11,533
Morning, your Highness.
41
00:02:11,558 --> 00:02:13,110
Hey, Barry.
42
00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:17,516
Kate, this renovation's
getting out of hand.
43
00:02:17,649 --> 00:02:19,034
�1.4 million.
44
00:02:19,117 --> 00:02:21,317
And do we really need to move
the tennis court 36 feet?
45
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,703
Perhaps you'd like me
to look out the window
46
00:02:22,728 --> 00:02:24,628
and see a tennis court
in my peripheral vision.
47
00:02:25,908 --> 00:02:28,247
No. But it's just...
- And the children -
48
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:30,149
what about their peripheral vision?
49
00:02:30,174 --> 00:02:31,940
Of course, I don't want you or
the children to see a tennis court
50
00:02:31,965 --> 00:02:34,722
in your peripheral vision.
It's just so expensive.
51
00:02:34,845 --> 00:02:36,708
But it's our own money.
52
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,780
Yah, and no.
53
00:02:40,129 --> 00:02:43,192
Dad gave it to us and he doesn't pay
any corporation tax.
54
00:02:43,217 --> 00:02:46,044
Well, he must pay it on the Duchy of
Cornwall, it's a massive business.
55
00:02:46,069 --> 00:02:48,482
Well, you'd think so
but, erm, he doesn't.
56
00:02:49,093 --> 00:02:50,193
I see.
57
00:02:50,593 --> 00:02:53,023
So it's really the public's money
we're spending.
58
00:02:53,544 --> 00:02:55,598
That man who shouted at me
the other day was right,
59
00:02:55,794 --> 00:02:57,855
We are just a bunch
of money-sucking leeches.
60
00:02:57,931 --> 00:02:58,972
Not at all.
61
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:02,111
We just need a firmer hand on the
finances which is why I'm going
62
00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:04,327
to supervise the building work
whilst you're in London.
63
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,152
But you're not used
to dealing with builders.
64
00:03:06,177 --> 00:03:07,577
They're so sharp and cunning.
65
00:03:07,694 --> 00:03:09,001
They'll have you for breakfast.
66
00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,375
You're just not that sort of man.
67
00:03:12,195 --> 00:03:14,979
Well, there are plenty of other
people who do think I'm a man.
68
00:03:15,525 --> 00:03:17,322
What do you mean by that?
69
00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:18,921
Best be off, Kate.
70
00:03:21,317 --> 00:03:23,817
Do you know where the isolation
switch for the wine fridge is?
71
00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:27,082
- Er...
- It's all right, got it.
72
00:03:31,468 --> 00:03:35,948
Can't wait to get onto the slopes.
A whole month away from everything.
73
00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:37,831
Hello, girls.
74
00:03:37,856 --> 00:03:40,387
BOTH: Mummy!
75
00:03:40,412 --> 00:03:41,771
Oh, no luggage?
76
00:03:41,796 --> 00:03:43,444
The airline lost it.
77
00:03:43,469 --> 00:03:47,185
Ohh, well how does an airline
lose 16 suitcases?
78
00:03:47,210 --> 00:03:49,889
Thirty two, they lost my luggage as well.
79
00:03:49,914 --> 00:03:52,474
Mummy,
why are you dressed like that?
80
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:55,371
Oh, girls,
I've turned the place in to a B&B.
81
00:03:55,396 --> 00:03:57,911
But Daddy bought the chalet
for �13 million
82
00:03:57,936 --> 00:03:59,499
so you could live in it.
83
00:03:59,581 --> 00:04:04,053
I know but Daddy's been struggling
since the unpleasantness started.
84
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,611
Well, I suppose Daddy
can't ski anyway.
85
00:04:06,636 --> 00:04:09,235
Not since he lost
he ability to sweat.
86
00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,460
Mm.
87
00:04:11,068 --> 00:04:13,898
Well, thanks for coming
to be chalet girls.
88
00:04:13,923 --> 00:04:15,714
BOTH: Chalet girls?
89
00:04:16,007 --> 00:04:17,882
Oh, you did get my e-mail,
didn't you?
90
00:04:18,436 --> 00:04:20,944
Of course we got your e-mail, Mummy.
91
00:04:21,117 --> 00:04:24,469
We'd be delighted to be
chalet girls.
92
00:04:24,772 --> 00:04:27,035
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, girls, it's my next guests.
93
00:04:31,576 --> 00:04:33,608
It's our arch-rivals.
94
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:37,816
Scandi princesses Svetlana of Sweden
and Nora of Norway.
95
00:04:37,841 --> 00:04:38,941
Hello, girls.
96
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:41,342
Is there someone to carry our bags?
97
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:44,688
Oh, erm, yeah, my chalet girls
can take care of that.
98
00:04:44,713 --> 00:04:47,874
Beatrice and Eugenie, chalet girls.
99
00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:51,797
So you finally found a career
commensurate with your talents.
100
00:04:51,822 --> 00:04:56,607
Now there should be one more guest,
Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.
101
00:04:56,690 --> 00:04:59,088
The most eligible bachelor
in Europe.
102
00:05:02,212 --> 00:05:03,750
Sorry I'm late.
103
00:05:03,775 --> 00:05:06,797
My private jet sucked
a goose into its engine.
104
00:05:07,317 --> 00:05:08,527
Gosh!
105
00:05:13,588 --> 00:05:17,802
Um, you're right, Barry,
this is a banging sausage sandwich.
106
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:22,154
Oh, this is Beverley. He's going to
be helping me out for a few days.
107
00:05:23,485 --> 00:05:26,266
Beverley? That's a bit of a girl's
name, isn't it?
108
00:05:26,882 --> 00:05:29,772
Actually we're trying to eliminate
that sort of bullying
109
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,495
masquerading as banter
from building sites.
110
00:05:32,907 --> 00:05:35,742
I'm so sorry. And, Beverley,
please accept my apology.
111
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,351
Oh, actually, while I've got you,
112
00:05:37,448 --> 00:05:40,447
we're going to need to put an RSJ
in where we've taken that wall down.
113
00:05:40,472 --> 00:05:43,165
- Right. - The thing is, given
the location of the RSJ,
114
00:05:43,190 --> 00:05:45,067
it is going to need to be platinum.
115
00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:47,032
Now hang on, Barry.
116
00:05:47,249 --> 00:05:48,592
I wasn't born yesterday.
117
00:05:48,732 --> 00:05:50,381
Why's it got to be platinum?
118
00:05:50,772 --> 00:05:53,139
Well, it's a
non-corrosive metal, innit?
119
00:05:53,164 --> 00:05:54,555
And this is a kitchen.
120
00:05:54,947 --> 00:05:56,549
So there's going to be a lot of
steam.
121
00:05:56,574 --> 00:05:59,750
- You got your kettle,
you got your pans. - Oh, I see.
122
00:06:00,934 --> 00:06:02,332
Won't that be rather expensive?
123
00:06:02,357 --> 00:06:06,036
Er, well, yeah, I mean platinum's
25 quid a gram at the moment,
124
00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:09,157
and this RSJ is about a tonne,
so you're looking at, what...?
125
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,114
30 million quid.
126
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,154
Er...
127
00:06:16,382 --> 00:06:20,806
There's not a cheaper non-corrosive
metal you could use? Like bronze?
128
00:06:20,831 --> 00:06:23,157
Unfortunately not,
it has to be platinum.
129
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:26,083
I mean, I'll try and get you
a trade discount,
130
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,397
but the Antwerp market
being what it is...
131
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,576
No, no, I see.
I'm sure you're right.
132
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,228
I'll transfer the funds right away.
133
00:06:32,253 --> 00:06:33,372
Yeah, I prefer cash.
134
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,969
Louis and Arthur
play so well together.
135
00:06:44,782 --> 00:06:46,981
- Who?
- Our children.
136
00:06:47,082 --> 00:06:49,735
Oh, yeah.
Oh, thanks for baby-sitting.
137
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,939
I don't see why I have to schlep
all the way over here.
138
00:06:51,964 --> 00:06:54,312
I thought it might be nice
for Arthur, your son,
139
00:06:54,431 --> 00:06:55,933
to spend time in the palace.
140
00:06:56,036 --> 00:06:58,811
- You always have to get it in,
don't you? - What?
141
00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:01,738
You know I'm married to
a billionaire? Not a millionaire.
142
00:07:01,763 --> 00:07:04,552
A billionaire. Little bit vulgar
to talk about money.
143
00:07:04,577 --> 00:07:06,216
Well, that's cos you don't have to.
144
00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:07,983
Cos you've been given every single thing.
145
00:07:08,054 --> 00:07:10,634
My life isn't half as easy
as you seem to think.
146
00:07:11,025 --> 00:07:13,761
Oh, what's this?
147
00:07:15,295 --> 00:07:18,204
It's just Wills has been
so short with me recently.
148
00:07:18,283 --> 00:07:20,383
Like he's just not that
interested in me.
149
00:07:20,408 --> 00:07:23,001
I've heard of the seven-year itch,
how long have you been married now?
150
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:26,169
Nine years. Ooh.
And he is a Windsor.
151
00:07:26,194 --> 00:07:29,605
If they don't get their oats, they
do tend to look into the next field.
152
00:07:30,238 --> 00:07:31,852
And shag the horse.
153
00:07:31,877 --> 00:07:33,430
I don't know what you're suggesting.
154
00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:34,760
Well, they've all done it.
155
00:07:34,785 --> 00:07:38,089
Charles, Prince Philip,
oh, Andrew, well...
156
00:07:38,114 --> 00:07:39,433
Pippa you're quite wrong.
157
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,858
I think you'd be better off taking
care of your own affairs.
158
00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:43,519
Oh, don't worry.
159
00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:46,971
My affairs are about to be
thoroughly taken care of.
160
00:07:49,739 --> 00:07:52,366
And thanks to Prince Harry
for opening the Duke of Edinburgh
161
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:54,492
Severe Personality Disorder Unit.
162
00:07:54,492 --> 00:07:58,191
Oh, excuse me, do you know where
the khazi is? Thank you.
163
00:08:02,645 --> 00:08:05,307
Oh, my God, we're...
we're like two peas in a pod.
164
00:08:05,307 --> 00:08:07,460
Look. Oh, yah.
165
00:08:07,713 --> 00:08:09,462
God, that is amazing.
166
00:08:09,648 --> 00:08:13,304
Well, hang on you're,
you're Prince Harry, aren't you?
167
00:08:13,678 --> 00:08:14,873
And so are you.
168
00:08:14,898 --> 00:08:17,898
I just work here, unfortunately.
169
00:08:17,923 --> 00:08:20,013
So, got a few probs then, eh?
170
00:08:20,013 --> 00:08:21,611
I'm just sick of my life.
171
00:08:21,611 --> 00:08:24,446
Yeah, well, my missus says
the one person you can never get
172
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,952
away from is yourself.
And she's from California.
173
00:08:27,977 --> 00:08:30,670
Hey, are... Are you suggesting that
e pretend to be each other
174
00:08:30,695 --> 00:08:33,051
for the next 24 hours?
- No, I wasn't.
175
00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:37,103
- But we could. What are you doing later?
- After this? Nothing.
176
00:08:37,103 --> 00:08:39,501
just watching The Expendables
in my cinema room.
177
00:08:39,526 --> 00:08:42,243
Oh, God, I'd love to watch
The Expendables in your cinema room.
178
00:08:42,483 --> 00:08:43,483
Can we swap?
179
00:08:43,508 --> 00:08:46,264
Well, Meghan is away on a
super food tasting weekend.
180
00:08:46,289 --> 00:08:48,266
- Oh, thanks.
- Whoa!
181
00:08:49,011 --> 00:08:51,667
Hang on a sec. What are you
meant to be doing after this?
182
00:08:51,692 --> 00:08:55,128
- Oh, God, work drinks down the pub.
- Right, get your jacket off.
183
00:08:57,541 --> 00:08:59,841
He should be here any minute now.
184
00:09:03,244 --> 00:09:04,819
Harry!
185
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,064
Are you Pippa Middleton?
186
00:09:13,412 --> 00:09:14,882
Course I am, silly.
187
00:09:14,907 --> 00:09:17,977
I am free for lunch.
How about I treat you?
188
00:09:18,047 --> 00:09:19,247
Why not?
189
00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:25,309
There you are. Come on, sir,
everyone's waiting for you.
190
00:09:25,309 --> 00:09:26,895
Oh, all right then.
191
00:09:31,983 --> 00:09:36,063
Ah, your Highness,
this is my good lady wife, Belinda.
192
00:09:36,221 --> 00:09:39,210
- She'll be in charge of the orgy after.
- Eurgh.
193
00:09:39,515 --> 00:09:41,823
- Will you be staying?
- Well, erm...
194
00:09:41,861 --> 00:09:43,050
- Don't be stupid.
195
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,037
He's confused enough with one woman.
196
00:09:45,037 --> 00:09:47,674
- If it's part of the religion...
- Charles!
197
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:51,325
Well, in that case,
here are your ceremonial robes.
198
00:09:51,735 --> 00:09:54,500
Now, you can get changed
in the camper van.
199
00:09:58,346 --> 00:10:01,540
- You are going to the discotheque tonight?
- Of course.
200
00:10:01,565 --> 00:10:04,491
Anyone who is anyone will be there.
201
00:10:04,553 --> 00:10:07,137
You can share our Uber if you like.
202
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,435
Edo is so dishy.
203
00:10:14,537 --> 00:10:16,581
I wish we could go to the
discotheque.
204
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:18,411
It's the social event of the season.
205
00:10:18,411 --> 00:10:21,379
But we have to be up at four to do
the full English breakfasts,
206
00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:22,856
plus we haven't got
anything to wear,
207
00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:25,824
those twats at the airline
still haven't found our luggage.
208
00:10:26,236 --> 00:10:29,697
I can do the full English
breakfasts, girls.
209
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,488
And as for something to wear,
210
00:10:31,488 --> 00:10:33,590
well, I've got a whole wardrobe
of me old party gear.
211
00:10:33,838 --> 00:10:38,045
Oh, Mummy, you mean
we CAN go to the discotheque?
212
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,192
Wait there.
213
00:10:44,632 --> 00:10:46,103
Word up.
214
00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:48,816
Er, great.
215
00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:51,003
Yah, fab.
216
00:10:51,299 --> 00:10:54,045
Well, off you go, girls, have fun.
217
00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:56,148
Erm, but remember,
be back by midnight.
218
00:11:01,856 --> 00:11:03,352
This is insane.
219
00:11:03,514 --> 00:11:07,972
We live in a multi-faith culture.
I'm simply moving with the times.
220
00:11:08,182 --> 00:11:09,861
We're ready for you now.
221
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,319
Oh, mighty lord of misrule,
222
00:11:15,538 --> 00:11:17,503
prince of chaos,
223
00:11:17,503 --> 00:11:19,531
father of darkness,
224
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,739
I command your presence,
225
00:11:22,739 --> 00:11:25,017
oh, rider on the beast,
226
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,235
step forth and show yourself.
227
00:11:36,135 --> 00:11:37,455
He's only gone and done it.
228
00:11:39,623 --> 00:11:42,119
- What happens now?
- I don't know.
229
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,987
It's never happened before.
230
00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,641
Er, ask him what he wants.
231
00:11:48,420 --> 00:11:51,692
What is your desire,
oh, lord of death?
232
00:11:51,692 --> 00:11:54,015
A state dinner.
233
00:11:54,391 --> 00:11:56,255
I told you not to meddle!
234
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,698
But you never listen.
235
00:11:57,723 --> 00:11:59,412
Let's not go over old ground.
236
00:11:59,412 --> 00:12:01,871
- What shall I say?
- Give him a state dinner.
237
00:12:01,871 --> 00:12:05,111
Well, I can't, he's the embodiment
and source of all evil.
238
00:12:05,111 --> 00:12:06,537
You gave Trump one.
239
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:11,846
- Oh. - Forget the state dinner,
I've got a better idea.
240
00:12:19,352 --> 00:12:23,047
I have him now!
241
00:12:33,974 --> 00:12:35,597
Tie him down.
242
00:12:36,253 --> 00:12:39,298
Sorry, your horned god,
hope that's not too tight.
243
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,794
IN DEMONIC VOICE: Bow down
before the Dark Lord.
244
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:44,191
What is your bidding?
245
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:47,643
Oh, get up. I'm going
to have to exorcise him.
246
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:49,783
What, now? He's only just arrived.
247
00:12:49,808 --> 00:12:52,736
He's hosting a garden party
for the Women's Institute tomorrow.
248
00:12:52,761 --> 00:12:55,415
The foul stinking whores.
249
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,311
And I don't think that's going
to go down very well, do you?
250
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:01,784
But an exorcism?
You're not qualified.
251
00:13:01,809 --> 00:13:04,987
If there's one thing I know
better than anything, Ian...
252
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:07,856
...it's evil.
253
00:13:09,774 --> 00:13:11,321
- We look ridiculous.
254
00:13:11,345 --> 00:13:14,136
- Edo won't even look
at me dressed like this.
255
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:16,376
He might.
256
00:13:17,039 --> 00:13:18,880
Come on, we're here now.
257
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:26,465
Oh, my God, Eugenie,
it's an '80s disco.
258
00:13:27,517 --> 00:13:28,572
Wow.
259
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:32,161
You are the most
beautiful girl here.
260
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,967
May I have the pleasure
of this dance?
261
00:13:34,992 --> 00:13:37,595
All right. Will you be OK?
262
00:13:39,371 --> 00:13:40,533
Oh, yes.
263
00:13:43,974 --> 00:13:45,772
Who is that?
264
00:14:14,323 --> 00:14:16,429
APPLAUSE
265
00:14:17,544 --> 00:14:22,950
argh, burns! Your mother
sucks cocks in hell!
266
00:14:22,975 --> 00:14:24,939
Is that really the best you can do?
267
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:28,391
Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with,
268
00:14:28,416 --> 00:14:32,109
you BLEEP-ing BLEEP-sh
f-BLEEP-king brains tw-BLEEP-t?
269
00:14:32,134 --> 00:14:35,290
I'm going to shove your c-BLEEP-k
and b-BLEEP-ox so far up your arse
270
00:14:35,315 --> 00:14:38,920
you'll be spraying s-BLEEP-nk and
BLEEP out of your c-BLEEP-ing gob.
271
00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:41,436
That just shows
a lack of vocabulary.
272
00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:43,369
Rarghg
273
00:14:44,214 --> 00:14:46,563
Now fuck off out of him!
274
00:14:46,588 --> 00:14:51,268
- Bit rude. - With this power,
I will rule the world!
275
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:52,293
What?
276
00:14:52,318 --> 00:14:57,302
For he shall be king
of the world's greatest power,
277
00:14:57,327 --> 00:15:00,481
The British Empire.
278
00:15:02,224 --> 00:15:03,886
When were you last conjured up?
279
00:15:04,035 --> 00:15:06,175
Eighteen Twenty-Two.
280
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,819
And you haven't read
a newspaper since then?
281
00:15:09,121 --> 00:15:11,612
Why do You ask?
282
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,449
Well, the only power he's got
283
00:15:13,474 --> 00:15:16,560
is selling overpriced jams
in his Highgrove shop.
284
00:15:16,585 --> 00:15:18,526
Is this true?
285
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,918
CHARLES: Not exactly,
I do have an advisory role.
286
00:15:21,943 --> 00:15:25,122
DEMON: You have no power?!
287
00:15:25,278 --> 00:15:29,264
CHARLES: But I suppose
I do fuck all, really.
288
00:15:29,264 --> 00:15:31,539
Now for the last time,
289
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:34,025
sling your hook!
290
00:15:34,382 --> 00:15:35,616
Argh!
291
00:15:35,807 --> 00:15:37,330
Argh!
292
00:15:45,783 --> 00:15:47,414
How's the Black Mass?
293
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,917
A mixed bag.
294
00:15:50,362 --> 00:15:51,557
Better make a move.
295
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,491
Don't want to catch the traffic.
296
00:15:58,620 --> 00:16:02,836
This has been the most
wonderful night of my life.
297
00:16:03,055 --> 00:16:04,391
For me too.
298
00:16:04,921 --> 00:16:08,420
Oh. Oh, God, it's 6am.
299
00:16:08,789 --> 00:16:10,218
I have to go.
300
00:16:10,434 --> 00:16:11,773
Wait. Wait.
301
00:16:13,029 --> 00:16:15,009
I don't even know your name!
302
00:16:27,913 --> 00:16:30,067
Mr Rutherford. Mr Rutherford.
303
00:16:30,092 --> 00:16:32,232
- Yeah, just five more minutes, Nanny.
- Wake up.
304
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:33,312
What is it?!
305
00:16:35,399 --> 00:16:36,420
Oh, my God. Where am I?
306
00:16:36,445 --> 00:16:38,762
There's an emergency, they
need you in theatre right now.
307
00:16:38,787 --> 00:16:41,041
- Theatre?
- Yeah, we've got to get you scrubbed up.
308
00:16:41,236 --> 00:16:42,885
Yeah, but I'm Prince Harry.
309
00:16:44,483 --> 00:16:46,359
You're Professor Julian Rutherford,
310
00:16:46,384 --> 00:16:49,918
this country's leading brain surgeon.
- Oh, shit it.
311
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,628
- It's an extended bifrontalcranioctomy.
- What?
312
00:16:52,628 --> 00:16:55,198
I know, the surgery's only been
performed once before,
313
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,267
but luckily it was by you.
314
00:16:57,593 --> 00:16:58,971
Double shit it.
315
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,202
Yep, that's 30 million all right.
316
00:17:05,874 --> 00:17:08,809
So, the platinum RSJ
went in all right?
317
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:11,070
Oh, yeah, it was a beauty.
318
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:13,219
And tomorrow we'll have
a look at that pointing.
319
00:17:13,344 --> 00:17:16,556
Ooh, I tell you
what's more durable than mortar -
320
00:17:17,087 --> 00:17:18,802
ground up diamonds.
321
00:17:21,489 --> 00:17:22,764
Great.
CAR HORN BEEPS
322
00:17:22,789 --> 00:17:26,132
Ooh, that's Beverley. I don't
suppose you could help him
323
00:17:26,157 --> 00:17:28,045
hump a couple of bags
of cement through?
324
00:17:28,151 --> 00:17:30,354
Only my back's a bit...urgh.
325
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,146
Oh, yah. Yah.
326
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:39,418
MOBILE RINGS
327
00:17:40,249 --> 00:17:41,298
Hello, Your Highness.
328
00:17:41,323 --> 00:17:43,083
Good morning, Barry,
is William there?
329
00:17:43,108 --> 00:17:46,063
No, no, he's in the back of
the van unloading with Beverley.
330
00:17:46,391 --> 00:17:49,240
Beverley? Can you bring him
to the phone at once please?
331
00:17:49,428 --> 00:17:52,264
Sorry, Your Highness,
they're humping away out there.
332
00:17:52,819 --> 00:17:54,412
I'll get him to call you back.
333
00:17:57,054 --> 00:17:59,337
Just phone up the Queen,
she'll vouch for me.
334
00:17:59,337 --> 00:18:01,264
Will you listen?
I'm not a brain surgeon.
335
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,165
You are this man's only hope.
336
00:18:05,879 --> 00:18:06,956
All right.
337
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:09,440
Who are you?
338
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:11,321
I am Francis Willis,
339
00:18:11,321 --> 00:18:14,392
the physician who cured George III
of his madness.
340
00:18:14,392 --> 00:18:15,955
Fret not, Harry...
341
00:18:16,852 --> 00:18:18,133
...I will be your hands.
342
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,255
Thanks, Francis Willis.
343
00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:22,225
Let us begin.
344
00:18:25,721 --> 00:18:27,054
Just keep going!
345
00:18:30,355 --> 00:18:32,707
MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUALLY
346
00:18:34,543 --> 00:18:35,643
We've lost him.
347
00:18:36,531 --> 00:18:37,631
Blimey.
348
00:18:37,978 --> 00:18:40,403
That was more complicated
than I was expecting.
349
00:18:42,316 --> 00:18:43,616
Now will you believe me?
350
00:18:46,111 --> 00:18:48,962
- Wills. - Kate. I thought you
weren't coming back till tomorrow.
351
00:18:48,987 --> 00:18:49,987
What's going on?
352
00:18:50,012 --> 00:18:51,990
I was trying on a tool belt
and my trousers fell down.
353
00:18:52,015 --> 00:18:54,515
- Don't lie to me, I know all about it.
- Know all about what?
354
00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:55,840
Barry let it slip on the phone.
355
00:18:55,865 --> 00:18:58,065
But I...I've got no idea
what you're talking about.
356
00:18:58,090 --> 00:18:59,090
Who's Beverley?
357
00:19:01,494 --> 00:19:03,304
- That's Beverley?
- Yah.
358
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,121
But don't make any comments,
they don't like it.
359
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,546
Wills, I'm so happy-
360
00:19:09,664 --> 00:19:11,952
Look, Kate, there's something
you should know,
361
00:19:11,977 --> 00:19:14,251
you're going to find out, eventually.
362
00:19:14,401 --> 00:19:17,479
I spent �30 million
on a platinum RSJ.
363
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:18,853
�30 million?
364
00:19:18,878 --> 00:19:20,183
I know.
365
00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:21,648
I'm completely out of my depth,
366
00:19:21,673 --> 00:19:23,576
I should never have tried
to be a proper man.
367
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:26,173
You'll always be a proper man to me.
368
00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:33,281
Right. Barry, what's all this shit about
you charging 30 million quid for an RSJ?
369
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,006
Well, th...that's
how much platinum costs.
370
00:19:35,031 --> 00:19:38,046
Look, I'm no standard member of the
royal family, OK? I used to be a gypsy.
371
00:19:38,071 --> 00:19:40,577
I'm going to ask you this once,
if you don't tell me the truth,
372
00:19:40,602 --> 00:19:42,792
I'm going to open you up
like a tin of beans.
373
00:19:43,211 --> 00:19:44,653
Is that a platinum RSJ?
374
00:19:44,678 --> 00:19:47,566
Oh, actually, oh, now
I come to think about it,
375
00:19:47,591 --> 00:19:49,372
it might just be steel.
376
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:53,718
Beverley, that RSJ,
was it steel or platinum?
377
00:19:54,586 --> 00:19:56,872
Yeah, yeah, I think
it's just steel.
378
00:19:56,897 --> 00:20:00,039
Oh, must've been a mix-up
at the depot.
379
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,865
So, we'll, refund you
the 30 million quid,
380
00:20:02,890 --> 00:20:06,545
minus the 6O sovs for the steel RSJ.
381
00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:07,992
Too right you will.
382
00:20:08,017 --> 00:20:10,857
But the work is beautiful.
383
00:20:11,255 --> 00:20:12,675
Well, thanks.
384
00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:14,085
Oh, Kate.
385
00:20:17,733 --> 00:20:20,779
I am so sorry, Your Royal Highness.
386
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:21,882
Oh, that's all right.
387
00:20:21,907 --> 00:20:24,198
And...and the medical negligence
charges you were talking about?
388
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,866
Oh, we can, we can forget
about those. Great.
389
00:20:27,297 --> 00:20:28,697
Do you guys need a hand
cleaning up?
390
00:20:28,722 --> 00:20:31,708
No. No, no, no, we'll be fine.
Oh, magic. Right.
391
00:20:31,733 --> 00:20:32,999
See you around, then.
392
00:20:35,866 --> 00:20:37,371
Wasn't he nice?
393
00:20:37,396 --> 00:20:38,396
So normal.
394
00:20:42,815 --> 00:20:45,259
Pippa, what are you doing? Harry?
395
00:20:45,583 --> 00:20:47,630
Harry and I have
somethin to tell you.
396
00:20:47,735 --> 00:20:49,606
Yeah, I'm...I'm not Harry,
I'm a brain surgeon.
397
00:20:49,631 --> 00:20:51,535
Yeah, can you pack that in now?
It's getting on my tits.
398
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,884
- Er, what's going on?
- He's in love with me.
399
00:20:54,009 --> 00:20:55,299
And he's leaving Meghan...
400
00:20:55,324 --> 00:20:56,376
I told you.
401
00:20:56,595 --> 00:20:58,981
...and marrying me.
- No, I'm not Harry.
402
00:20:59,006 --> 00:21:01,406
- But I do want to marry you.
- Do you want me to hurt you?
403
00:21:01,431 --> 00:21:03,803
Harry, is this true?
Oh, it's true all right.
404
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:07,902
I'm going to be a princess,
just like you, only better.
405
00:21:08,377 --> 00:21:11,947
And whilst you're stuck opening
a bus garage in Catterick,
406
00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,924
I'll be spending time
with the man I love.
407
00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:16,516
Hello, you lot.
408
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,409
Yeah, Ml5 said you'd be here.
409
00:21:18,787 --> 00:21:19,787
Harry-
410
00:21:19,998 --> 00:21:23,289
So, you see, I'm...I'm not Harry,
but I do love you,
411
00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:24,849
more than anything.
412
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:26,449
So, you're not royal?
413
00:21:26,474 --> 00:21:28,854
No, I'm Britain's
foremost brain surgeon.
414
00:21:28,879 --> 00:21:32,028
- What fucking use is that to me?
- Well, it's still a very good job.
415
00:21:32,053 --> 00:21:34,009
Go on, do one.
416
00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:37,390
- Bye, Harry.
- Bye, Julian.
417
00:21:37,415 --> 00:21:38,883
Bad luck, Pippa.
418
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,668
I can't help thinking
if you were a little more content,
419
00:21:41,693 --> 00:21:43,442
you wouldn't end up
in these muddles.
420
00:21:43,467 --> 00:21:45,160
Oh, fuck off.
421
00:21:51,071 --> 00:21:53,508
Er, I don't like this, take it back.
422
00:21:54,135 --> 00:21:57,139
- Ciao.
- Edo, where have you been?
423
00:21:57,164 --> 00:22:00,914
Been all over town and I can't find
the girl from last night anywhere.
424
00:22:01,265 --> 00:22:03,658
All she left behind
was this fun wig.
425
00:22:03,954 --> 00:22:05,059
That's your wig.
426
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:07,654
Tell him. No, I can't.
427
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,881
I know where your girl
from last night is.
428
00:22:14,914 --> 00:22:19,703
It's my spinster sister,
Princess Beatrice of York.
429
00:22:19,728 --> 00:22:20,958
It fits!
430
00:22:21,458 --> 00:22:22,693
It's you...
431
00:22:22,895 --> 00:22:24,063
...isn't it?
432
00:22:26,757 --> 00:22:28,512
It is you!
433
00:22:29,231 --> 00:22:31,425
This holiday is shit.
434
00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:34,198
I'm very sorry, everyone, but l...
435
00:22:34,329 --> 00:22:36,615
I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
436
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,095
What's going on?
437
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,442
- I'm ceasing to trade as a B&B.
- Why, Mummy?
438
00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:45,036
I just got a call from Daddy.
The Queen's withdrawn his allowance.
439
00:22:45,145 --> 00:22:47,319
He thinks he'll have to sell
the chalet.
440
00:22:47,344 --> 00:22:50,983
Edo, what must you think
of my father?
441
00:22:51,317 --> 00:22:53,715
I guess this is ove
before it's even begun.
442
00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:56,388
- We are, we're still free.
- I don't care.
443
00:22:57,279 --> 00:23:00,331
Your father's only problem
is that he's too honourable,
444
00:23:00,425 --> 00:23:03,323
as anyone who saw
his TV interview would know.
445
00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:05,706
I've found the girl I love.
446
00:23:05,731 --> 00:23:10,001
Will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?
447
00:23:12,619 --> 00:23:14,017
Oh, Edo.
448
00:23:14,449 --> 00:23:15,969
- Yas.
- Yes?
449
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:20,569
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