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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:22,800 Suit, ex-window display, Moss Bros, £30. 2 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,880 Shirt, Burton's sale, £8. 3 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:30,000 Tie, Moss Bros rental, £1 a day, 4 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,200 £1. 5 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,600 Shoes, Cats Protection League, £2. 6 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,480 Looking a million dollars at a funeral... 7 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,160 - ...absolutely priceless. - (SHOUTS) I think it's appalling 8 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,600 what you lot have done to this village! 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,880 You should be ashamed of yourselves, 10 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,240 turned this place into a bloody circus, 11 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,640 clogging the roads up with your vans, 12 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,040 - filming unsociable hours! - I did say 13 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,480 you can't park there, Graham, did I not? 14 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,840 - I did say that. - It weren't like this 15 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,800 when that Father Brown lot were here. 16 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,880 No, they were good as gold. 17 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:05,640 And that Mark Williams, taking time out to pose for photos with anybody! 18 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,040 Don't get nothing but grief from you lot. 19 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,400 Nan, what you...? 20 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,840 - Get inside. - It's disgraceful! 21 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,880 - Get inside now. - Somebody's got to say it to them. 22 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,240 Somebody's got to say it. 23 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,800 Your bath bomb's gonna dissolve to nothing 24 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,280 if you don't hurry up and get in that bath. 25 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:19,960 For crying out loud! 26 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,880 You won't be able to use that. You know that, don't you? 27 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,240 Because she doesn't want to be seen in a documentary. 28 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,880 She says it's TV for nitwits. 29 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,960 (BIRDSONG) 30 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:45,920 KERRY: Er, so, Kurtan's brother... 31 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,160 - ...snuffed it. - Half-brother. 32 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,480 Yeah, he died, unfortunately. 33 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,360 Er, but, to be honest, 34 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,680 I didn't really know him. We weren't close or anything. 35 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,760 Yeah, it's a bit complicated. So... 36 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,720 ...me and Ray had the same dad, Marshal Mucklowe. 37 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,120 He died when I was young. 38 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,760 Er, but he had Ray when he was 20 39 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,840 and then had me when he was in his fifties. 40 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,280 Kurtan's dad was so old. 41 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,240 He was the same age as Tina Turner. 42 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,760 Yeah, but he couldn't move like Tina Turner. 43 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,560 Well, no, he had polio. 44 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,640 Try dancing when your knees are back to front. 45 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,040 Agony. 46 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,720 REV FRANCIS: Well, it's always sad 47 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,480 when someone passes away. 48 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,160 I never knew Ray, but, er, he was a hard-working chap, 49 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,960 by all accounts, and I'm sure the Mucklowes will give him 50 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,480 the sendoff he deserves. 51 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,200 They're a real, erm, sturdy bunch. 52 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,840 Nice church, though, innit? 53 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,800 Yeah, it's really sad, 54 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,960 but everything happens for a reason, I suppose. 55 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,320 Yeah. 56 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,240 What reason's that? 57 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,840 Well, it's just the wake's at the Keepers. 58 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,840 Well, what's that got to do with anything? 59 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,080 Well, it's just weird, 60 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:08,200 because John the landlord's recently installed a power-punching machine. 61 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,200 So you're saying the reason for Ray's death is 62 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,480 so you can have a punch with the new power-punch machine at the Keepers? 63 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,160 Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. 64 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:23,520 Vicar? 65 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,680 Doesn't the Lord work in mysterious ways? 66 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:28,800 I'm sorry? 67 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,960 The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? 68 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,560 Um, yes. Yes, he does. 69 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,040 See? 70 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,920 (SIGHS) 71 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,360 (LIVELY CHATTER) 72 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,040 Ohhh! 73 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:53,920 (TAPPING ON GLASS) 74 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,720 Thank you. Thank you. 75 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:05,560 Um, I'd just like to, er, quickly say a few words about my colleague Ray. 76 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,600 Now, er, we worked together at Mitsubishi 77 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,400 until Ray retired this year 78 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:16,200 after 42 years of, um, excellent service. 79 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,560 Er, he...he was known as someone 80 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,320 who, er, very much kept himself to himself. 81 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,800 But, um, if you remember Ray like...like I remember Ray, 82 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,040 then you'll remember Ray 83 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,280 liked wearing his overalls 84 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,680 and...eating his lunch at his workspace. 85 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,960 Ray lived and breathed working at Mitsubishi, 86 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,240 and, er, he was often heard on the, er, factory floor 87 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,760 saying, er, something about, erm... 88 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:56,280 ...saying something about, er, power, er, pumps 89 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:01,800 and, er, suspension arms and, um, what have you, 90 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,200 because that, er, that was his specific area. 91 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,680 But... But over the years, when we did happen to cross paths, 92 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,880 which, er, was, sadly, not as much as I would've liked, 93 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,200 he'd...he'd always say things like, er, 94 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,600 "Morning," 95 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,680 and, "See you tomorrow..." 96 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,960 ...while Fridays, when he would say... 97 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,760 "...See you on Monday." 98 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,600 To Ray, ladies and gentlemen, to Ray. 99 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,440 ALL: To Ray. 100 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,200 (POWER-PUNCH MACHINE JINGLES) 101 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,800 (CHATTER) 102 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,080 KURTAN: I cannot believe that. 103 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,880 What was that speech all about? 104 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,320 You know what? I don't think Clive knew Ray at all, 105 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,160 because when I asked Clive what sort of person Ray was, 106 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,960 he was like, "Oh, he was sweet, he was mellow, 107 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,360 "a bit nutty." 108 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,760 And I looked at the blackboard where Clive was looking, 109 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,600 and he was just reading out a description of a guest ale. 110 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,480 A guest ale, Ker. 111 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,440 Huh? 112 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,280 Were you talking to me? 113 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:20,720 Yeah. 114 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,200 What did you say? 115 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,960 You need to get your head out of them books. 116 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,640 Just reading your life away. 117 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,160 (KURTAN SIGHS) 118 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,120 WOMAN: "...a being of flame and air. She shivered in his embrace 119 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,480 "then, eyes still shut, put up her lips. 120 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,920 "There was nothing cool about the kiss." 121 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,360 KERRY: Yeah, I really got into my books of late, 122 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:56,360 and the vicar suggested I go to a book club that he runs. 123 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,760 And reading this, 124 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,960 I genuinely... 125 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,760 ...felt like I was reading a diary... 126 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,880 ...of a vampire. 127 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,000 Yes. 128 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,360 REV FRANCIS: It's absolutely wonderful having Kerry in a book club. 129 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,560 Um, she's, I think, getting so much out of it. I was... 130 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,400 ...clearing out Jacob's room 131 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,600 and I found a box of all his old Goosebumps books 132 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,320 so I gave them to Kerry, 133 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,160 and she has devoured them! 134 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,960 I've got The Blob That Ate Everyone, 135 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,240 er, Say Cheese And Die!, 136 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:33,520 er, A Shocker On Shock Street. That's really shocking. 137 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,240 The book club used to be run by a lady called Margaret, 138 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,560 and, as can happen with these things, it had become a bit of a closed shop. 139 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,040 But Margaret's moved on and I'm running it now, 140 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,600 and I'm keen the group should be open to everyone, 141 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,120 particularly those who might, er, not be the most advanced readers 142 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,360 or might lack a bit of confidence, 143 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,000 and it's amazing to see people come out of their shell. 144 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,640 Next time is Colin's suggestion, 145 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,120 and it's an all-time classic, The Jungle Book. 146 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,360 Colin, would you quickly like to say why you chose this one? 147 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,160 No? 148 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,560 That's... 149 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,480 OK. Er, never mind. 150 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,240 Erm, well, have fun reading, everyone. 151 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,880 Lovely. 152 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,160 REV FRANCIS: So, how are you doing, then, Kurtan? 153 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,080 (SCOFFS) That wake was an absolute joke. 154 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,280 Oh. 155 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,640 I thought it was a lovely day. 156 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,760 I thought you gave Ray a proper sendoff that he would have been proud of. 157 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,160 Really? It was like an advert for Mitsubishi. 158 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,480 Is there really nothing else anyone can say about him, 159 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,160 other than the fact he worked at fuckin' Mitsubishi? 160 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,920 - Kurtan, language. - Sorry, but come on! 161 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,000 Everyone was more interested in that power-punch machine 162 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,720 than they were paying their respects. 163 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,280 I went round with the condolences book for people to sign, 164 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,880 and Martin signed it "RIP, Roy". 165 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,160 And he was Ray's uncle, for crying out loud! 166 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,880 "Roy"?! 167 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,760 How can someone's life be so meaningless? 168 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,920 No-one's life is meaningless, Kurtan. 169 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960 (SIGHS) That's what it feels like, 170 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,440 because if that was my funeral, I'd be absolutely raging. 171 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,480 And now he'll just be forgotten about, 172 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,400 like Flat Eric. 173 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,800 - Who's Flat Eric? - Exactly. 174 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,720 Look, Ray will not be forgotten, 175 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,920 because he'll live on in the memories that you have of him. 176 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,280 I have no memories of him. I barely knew the man. 177 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,200 Well, this is a good chance for you to find out about him, then. 178 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,560 I'm sure the rest of the family have some great stories about Ray. 179 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,480 He was probably a lot more interesting than you give him credit for. 180 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,760 - Do you think? - Mm! 181 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,880 Yeah. Maybe. 182 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,600 - I made up my own McDonald's burger... - Yeah? 183 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,920 - ...by combining two burgers. - Yeah. 184 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,400 It's called Air, Land and Sea. 185 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,600 - So it's a Filet-O-Fish... - Yeah. 186 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:03,200 ...a burger, with, erm... 187 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,040 - ...a chicken burger... - Yeah. 188 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,720 - Oi! - ...a McChicken Sandwich... 189 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,440 I heard about your half-brother. 190 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,000 Oh, yeah. Yeah, cheers, Mand. 191 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,960 Yeah, you think that's bad, 192 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,760 my whole brother died once. 193 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,960 - Oh. - Aww. 194 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,280 Well, s...sorry to hear that, Mand. 195 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,600 Why are you sorry? 196 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,480 I... Sorry that he died. 197 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,280 Oh, do you know Kevin? 198 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,560 KERRY: Do you know Kevin? 199 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,680 N-No. No. 200 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,200 Why are you sorry, then? 201 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,360 Well, I'm sorry for you. 202 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,040 Well, why? 203 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,800 I hated him. I'm glad he's dead, all the wicked things he's done. 204 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,600 Good. And he's burning in hell. I'm smiling my head off. 205 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,400 Oh. Well, that's good, then. 206 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:47,480 Yeah. 207 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,360 Why's that good? 208 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,920 He's still my little brother I used to read stories to at night. 209 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,840 - Aww. - Yeah. Of course. 210 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,040 OK, well, see you in a bit, Mand. 211 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,720 Yeah, see ya. 212 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,040 Hairy Maclary from Donaldson's Dairy. 213 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,160 - Yeah. - Mm-hm. 214 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,040 Blitzer Maloney, all skinny and bony. 215 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,240 - Yeah. - Yeah. 216 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,080 Muffin McLay...bundle of hay. 217 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,240 Yeah. 218 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,320 Bottomley Potts, all covered in spots. 219 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,760 - Right. - Yeah. 220 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,040 - Hercules Morse, big as a horse. - Mm. 221 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,000 And Hairy Maclary at Donaldson's Dairy. 222 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,160 - Yeah. - Yeah. 223 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,080 You know, we were discussing that book at Book Club the other day. 224 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,280 - Where? - Well, see ya. 225 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,840 Er, at Book Club at the village hall with the vicar. 226 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,160 But, yeah... 227 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,640 - Bye, then! - Oh, bye! 228 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,360 Right. Sorry, bye. 229 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,000 (KERRY BREATHES HEAVILY) 230 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,200 I think my fight-or-flight's kicked in. 231 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,160 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 232 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,240 - Look at that. - Come on, let's just get home. 233 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:06,160 - I think I've got it working. - Yeah? Great. 234 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,520 I've got the tapes here, look. 235 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,640 If it's gonna be anywhere, it's gonna be in there. 236 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:11,920 KURTAN: Well, yeah, 237 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,000 I've been thinking a lot about what the vicar said, and he's right, 238 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,640 I just need to get to know Ray better, 239 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,560 which is, obviously, hard with him being dead now. 240 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:26,400 But Kerry remembered that her mum's got a video of Ray's 40th birthday party, 241 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,280 which was also the millennium. 242 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,040 So, yeah, proper excited about seeing what Ray was really like! 243 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,440 Oh, it takes me back, doing that. 244 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,480 SUE: Oh, bloody hell! Mart? 245 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,920 Yeah, what? 246 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:48,080 I can't bloody work this thing! I don't know if it's been poisoned or not. 247 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,640 MARTIN: I don't wanna lose my deposit from Radio Rentals. Give it here. 248 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,040 - SUE: Look, I can't. - Martin. 249 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:53,800 - SUE: There's no... No, no, no! - Just press that. 250 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,680 - SUE: I do display there... - MARTIN: So press that! 251 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,000 Oh, I see. 252 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,480 Oh, little Monica and Chandler in there. 253 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,600 - Aww. - Are you looking forward to 254 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,440 the millennium, little fellas? 255 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,720 Millennium party. Party. Party! 256 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,400 - KERRY: Look how old everything is! - Yeah. 257 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,240 2000! 258 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,840 - You all right there, Trish? - KERRY: Trish! 259 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,840 Oh, there we go. 260 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,640 Lovely, lovely! 261 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,760 And, er, you all right there, Rick? 262 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,000 KURTAN: Rick! (LAUGHS) 263 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,000 (PARTY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) 264 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,800 - Hi, Sue! - Hiya! 265 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,040 KURTAN: Where's Ray? 266 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,440 - Martin! - My dad! 267 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,040 His hair! 268 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,360 - (PHONE RINGS) - SUE: Him and that ringtone! 269 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,520 I'm telling you, Stuart! 270 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,760 Oh, for goodness' sake. 271 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,200 - Stuart doesn't change, does he? - No. 272 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,560 SUE: Kerry! 273 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:51,760 - Kerry! - That's us! 274 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,400 No finishing the crisps, please! 275 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,480 Kerry! 276 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,480 - We loved that game! - Yeah. 277 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,480 You can't get through to them when that Crash Bandicoot's on. 278 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,080 I can't get over Dad's hair. 279 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,240 KURTAN: Well, where's Ray, then? 280 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,480 KERRY: Dancing! 281 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,600 - KERRY: There he is. - You having a good birthday, Ray? 282 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,400 KURTAN: There he is. But... 283 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,000 Give me the remote. 284 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,520 (SUE LAUGHS) 285 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,920 Rewind it. 286 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,880 You having a good birthday, Ray? 287 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,560 KURTAN: There he is, look. 288 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,360 That is haunting. 289 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,640 Yeah. 290 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,600 His own 40th birthday party, on his own, 291 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,880 a ghost at his own feast. 292 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,400 They were right about him always wearing his overalls, though. 293 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,680 Yeah. 294 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,840 So, welcome to Book Club, everyone, 295 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,600 and a very warm welcome to a new face, Mandy Harris. 296 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,120 It's so lovely to have new members. Welcome, Mandy. Erm, 297 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,560 so, The Jungle Book, how did everyone get on with it? 298 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,120 Yes, Kayleigh? 299 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:23,280 I think identity plays a big part in this world 300 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,720 and the nature-nurture debate, 301 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,720 cos I think Mowgli struggles 302 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,680 with his sense of belonging in the two worlds. 303 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,840 No. 304 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,200 REV FRANCIS: Er... Er, sorry, 305 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,920 Kayleigh, carry on. 306 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,280 - Carry on. - And, erm... 307 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,120 I think...we see this when he gets frustrated that he can't do 308 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,920 - the things all the animals can do... - REV FRANCIS: Mm. 309 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,480 ...like...smelling. 310 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:53,600 That's wrong. 311 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,760 REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's great to have new members. 312 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,680 It's important that the club is inclusive of everyone, 313 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,280 no matter how experienced a reader you are, 314 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,800 and each new member brings a unique and different perspective, 315 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:11,120 which is always welcomed and creates good, healthy debate. 316 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,360 I don't know about the rest of you, I think I would love to be friends 317 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,840 with Baloo. He's that big brother you always wanted, isn't he? 318 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,840 He's not the big brother I wanted. He's an idiot. 319 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:25,920 Erm... Er, next time we'll be reading something a little spookier. 320 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,120 Kerry, maybe you'd like to explain your choice? 321 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,160 Er, this is Goosebumps. 322 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,680 Don't know if you're familiar with the Goosebumps books. 323 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:37,200 And this is called Piano Lessons Can Be Murder. 324 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,520 And let's just say, after you read this, 325 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:43,200 you won't be taking piano lessons any time soon! 326 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,560 MANDY: Why? 327 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,400 Er, well, I don't... 328 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,120 Er, you'll...find out when you read it. 329 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:52,400 Er, no, I won't. 330 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,600 You can tell me anyway, because I probably won't read it, anyway. 331 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,600 - Well, you might read it. - No, I ain't gonna read it. 332 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,200 OK. 333 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,480 Er, it's basically about a boy called Jerry... 334 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,440 ...who takes piano lessons 335 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,360 and finds out his piano teacher is a robot. 336 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,840 And then what happens? 337 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,480 He, er, murders people, 338 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,760 just chops off everyone's hands. That's the end. 339 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,880 I probably would've read that if you hadn't ruined the ending. 340 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,720 Well done. 341 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,160 Right... 342 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,880 KERRY: So, how do you think Book Club went? 343 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,360 - Um... - Mm-hm? 344 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,960 Well, er... 345 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,200 I think I know why you're asking that question. 346 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,200 Oh. Why would that be, do you think? 347 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,080 - Mandy... - Yeah? 348 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,080 - ...has... - ...was like an atomic bomb, 349 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,680 blasting Book Club and all the books in it 350 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,840 within a 40,000-mile radius... 351 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,640 Kerry I...I just think she was getting the hang of it. 352 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,840 - She was getting the hang of it? - She misunderstood the ground rules. 353 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,080 - Totally dominating the whole thing... - Yes. 354 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,320 ...being rude to Kayleigh. 355 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,560 I had to look after Kayleigh. Kayleigh was in tears afterwards. 356 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,120 - Was she? - So I just thought I'd let you know 357 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,440 that we both, um, are now non-members of Book Club. 358 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,480 - No, wait a second, Kerry. - No, we're walking out. 359 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,280 - Kerry... - It's either her or us. 360 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:38,160 Kerry, it doesn't need to be like that. I'm going to talk to Mandy, all right? 361 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,960 - You've got to give me a chance. - What are you gonna say to her? 362 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,920 You need to say... I will do what you have to say. 363 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,880 "Mandy, this behaviour is mental, yeah? 364 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,120 "You have to not come to Book Club any more. In fact, you're banned." 365 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,280 - No, Kerry. - "You need to seek mental health 366 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,000 - "and not come to Book Club." - Kerry... 367 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,360 - That's what you need to say! - Hold on one second, please. 368 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,320 Can I speak? 369 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,160 Book Club is for everyone, 370 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,520 - and that's the way it's going to remain. - Yeah, who's not nuts. 371 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,920 Please let me deal with this and... 372 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,680 - OK, I trust you. - ...and please just trust me... 373 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,080 - I trust you. - ...to talk to her. 374 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,400 Thank you. Thank you for... your patience. I appreciate it. 375 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,000 Because I have been patient. 376 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,960 Yep, you have. 377 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,280 OK? Bye! 378 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:18,840 Bye! 379 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,480 REV FRANCIS: Well, look... 380 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:26,080 ...there are always tensions in any group dynamic, 381 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,000 but Book Club is for everyone, 382 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,440 and that is not something I'm prepared to compromise on. 383 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,080 I'm sure, with time and support, 384 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,720 Mandy will blossom into a very valued contributor. 385 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,480 (BANG) 386 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,080 (BANG) 387 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,840 (BANG) 388 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,160 (THUD) 389 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,080 Can you just stop doing that, please? 390 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,120 (KURTAN SIGHS) 391 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,360 You all right? 392 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,880 No, not really. 393 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,040 Why? 394 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,440 Just... 395 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:18,000 I just wish I had... an anecdote or a story about Ray 396 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,440 so I know that, you know, at least 397 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:25,560 he made some sort of mark on the world before he died. 398 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,720 Well, I could always ask Mum. 399 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,160 No, don't bother. I'm not in the mood for her. 400 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,440 Well, she must have some memories of Ray. 401 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,200 Yeah, but I just... 402 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,120 - Well, I can just ask her now. - No. 403 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,080 - Don't... - Mum? 404 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,240 Ker... 405 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,600 Do you remember Ray? 406 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,520 - Ray? - Ray! 407 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:47,880 No! 408 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,240 Ray Mucklowe, Kurtan's half-brother! 409 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,480 Mum, he's dead. 410 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,640 Mum, Kurtan's down here. 411 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,040 All right, Mum. 412 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,400 OK, enough. 413 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,680 Enough, please. 414 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,600 Sorry. 415 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,680 I did say, didn't I? 416 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,240 - Just don't get her involved. - Mm. 417 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,120 REV FRANCIS: OK, so, 418 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,560 Piano Lessons Can Be Murder. 419 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,880 Well, I have to say Kerry, I was very pleasantly surprised by this book, 420 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,800 so thank you very much for your suggestion. It was a real page-turner. 421 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,160 - I don't know what you thought. But... - Oh, Vicar? 422 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,080 If it's all right, I wondered if, erm, because I've been 423 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:03,840 so very, very inspired by everybody reading books... 424 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,840 ...if I read out a story that I've written. 425 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,080 Er... 426 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,960 ...w...well, that's... 427 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,760 ...wonderful. Erm... 428 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,400 - Murder In The Cupboard... - OK, very quickly. 429 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,000 ...by Mandy Harris. 430 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,280 (MANDY CLEARS HER THROAT) 431 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,360 "A little girl called Sarah was asleep. 432 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,200 " 'Bark,' said Sarah's dog. 433 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,960 " 'Shut it,' said Sarah. 434 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,920 " 'Bark, bark, bark,' said the dog. 435 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,760 " 'Shut your mouth, I'm trying to get 40 winks here,' said Sarah. 436 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,000 " 'Bark,' said the dog. 437 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,400 " 'If you bark one more time, I'm kicking you so hard up the arse.' 438 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,720 " 'Bark,' the dog replied. 439 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:41,160 "Sarah booted the dog so far up the arse his head smashed into the cupboard. 440 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,840 "The door swung open to reveal a murderer what had been 441 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,960 "hiding in the cupboard this whole time. 442 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,440 " 'Oh, fuck,' said Sarah, 443 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,080 " 'I didn't realise you was barking at a murderer in the cupboard. 444 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:54,440 " 'I thought you was winding me up, because that's what you usually do.' 445 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,320 "The dog didn't reply, cos it was massively concussed. 446 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,160 "Sarah looked at the cupboard. 447 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,720 "It wasn't a murderer after all. 448 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,120 "It was just a suit jacket that looked like a murderer in the dark. 449 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,480 " 'So you was winding me up after all, then,' said Sarah. 450 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,680 "The very next day, Sarah took the dog to the Dogs Trust 451 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:17,040 "and they couldn't rehome him, so they, sadly, put him down. 452 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,080 "The end." 453 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,160 REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's...very important 454 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,960 that the book club remains as open 455 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,640 as possible. Er, at the same time, 456 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,080 sometimes one has to think about the happiness of the group 457 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,640 rather than the individual... 458 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,400 Was any of you surprised 459 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,920 when the murderer in the cupboard turned out to be a suit jacket? 460 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,840 Cos I was, and I was the one that wrote it. 461 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,400 ...especially when the individual concerned is... 462 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,840 ...somewhat of an acquired taste. 463 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:52,480 (KURTAN EXHALES) 464 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,120 Auntie Sheila sent me Ray's diary, 465 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,640 and it's just... 466 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,520 "Monday - Mitsubishi. 467 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,320 "Tuesday - Mitsubishi. 468 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,560 "Wednesday - Mitsubishi. 469 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,400 "Thursday - Mitsubishi." 470 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,480 I... I give up. 471 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,520 I mean, the man's life was just Mitsubishi, 472 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,560 and I've just gotta accept it. 473 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,640 I just realise I've wasted 474 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,720 a lot of time trying to pin a personality on Ray 475 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,440 that I don't think ever existed. 476 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,040 The man just loved Mitsubishi, and that's that. 477 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,600 "Tuesday - Mitsubishi. 478 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,600 "Kitchen hygiene review." 479 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,680 Fuck me, what's the point? 480 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:29,720 Yeah, so.... 481 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:35,280 ...I rang up Mitsubishi and asked them if they'd name their next car after Ray, 482 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,560 which they said was absolutely out of the question, 483 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,200 but they did say they'd, er, fund a memorial bench in his name, 484 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:46,520 which is nice, and, er, Clive said he'd come down and do an unveiling ceremony, 485 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,520 erm, which is a little bit annoying. 486 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,160 REV FRANCIS: Ah, lovely. 487 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,760 Yeah, but will people get that he's dead, though, 488 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,760 and it's not just a retirement bench? 489 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,480 Mm. Yeah, I...I think so. 490 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,480 To me, that looks like a retirement bench. 491 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,400 Well, it's certainly a lovely view of the cricket pitch. 492 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,680 That I agree with, yeah. 493 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,520 Yeah. 494 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:26,920 - Oh, look, I don't believe it. - What? 495 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,720 Look, it's a Mitsubishi pulling in. 496 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,160 - How poignant! - Oh! 497 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,320 CLIVE: Er, no, that's a Honda Civic Type R. 498 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,920 I can see why you think it's a Mitsubishi, though. 499 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,120 Looks a lot like the Evo. 500 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,840 - Ah. - But it's not. 501 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,720 Well, he's making a meal of parking that, ain't he? 502 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,160 No, I think he's just trying to turn round. 503 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,640 You know, it's funny, if you, erm, if you put the marketplace 504 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,160 in the sat nav, it always brings you here, for some reason. 505 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,520 - Really? - Yeah! (LAUGHS) 506 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,680 Are you on Waze? 507 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,960 Er, no, I tend to use Google Maps. 508 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,480 Oh. Well, I would download Waze. 509 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,400 Why? What's the difference? 510 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,800 Um, well, Waze is more sort of community-based, 511 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,880 and, er, Google Maps is more data-based, you know. 512 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,440 Waze is better with, er, you know, traffic alerts and whatnot. 513 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,360 And, well, Google, it's... I dunno.... 514 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:18,200 It's more kind of... I don't know, it's not...it's not so, er... 515 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,920 Rest in peace, Ray! 516 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,360 Yeah, absolutely. 517 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,840 Yes, rest in peace, Ray. 518 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,200 Yeah. 519 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:39,160 So, does Waze alert you to, like, erm, speed cameras and that? 520 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,800 Well, what happens is that other people alert you, 521 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,120 so it's like...it's like a kind of sort of social networking group. 522 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:45,960 - Right. - So what happens is, you're.... 523 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,600 - How clever! - Yeah, yeah, it's great. 524 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,040 It's really good. So, you'll get alerted about all sorts of things, you know, 525 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,120 and it re-routes you. 526 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,200 He's more of a Google Maps man, then. 527 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,560 - I think he's a bit overwrought. - Yeah. 528 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,960 It's understandable. 529 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,800 Well, yeah, give it a year, I think, and everyone will be using Waze. 530 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,320 - KERRY: Oh, do you think? - Yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah. 531 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,360 Oh, hello, Mandy? Er, it's, er, Francis Seaton here. 532 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,080 Hello, how are you? 533 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:30,840 Er, obviously, my intention was for Book Club to be a broad church, 534 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,840 but, well, some people just work better on their own than in a group. 535 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:39,120 But that's fine. Er, the world would be a bit boring if we were all team players. 536 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,200 Look, the last thing I want to do is to...upset you. 537 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,920 So Mandy and I had a really 538 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,480 good, robust... honest conversation, 539 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:54,480 and we decided that the best way forward would be to have a special book club. 540 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,520 So, which one do you want to hear first? 541 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,640 I've got Murder On The Dodgems. 542 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,040 The sessions will be 543 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,560 one on one twice a week, 544 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:06,960 and it can be a sort of open forum for her creative writing... 545 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,920 ...which I'm really delighted about. 546 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,520 MANDY: "Harold had smashed 547 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:16,760 "into Tom's head on his Dodgem, which served Harold right for shagging 548 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:21,520 "Tom's wife while Harold was away doing catering for the RAF. 549 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,320 "Tom was absolutely furious and got out 550 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,840 "and started banging the shit out of Harold's Dodgem with his mallet. 551 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,400 "But that only made Harold angrier. 552 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:34,400 "Harold drove his Dodgem straight at Tom and took his legs clean off 553 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:38,480 "and then reversed over his arms and crushed them into bits, too. 554 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:43,360 "So Tom was just like a fat sack of potatoes with no arms or legs, 555 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,080 "just a head and a pair of bollocks hanging off the bottom. 556 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,880 "The end." 42407

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