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1
00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:04,265
.
2
00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,528
- Thanks, everybody,
for coming out
3
00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:08,051
to Hitchcock's
divorce party.
4
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,661
- Why is the cake
two men getting married?
5
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:11,098
- That's me and Hitchcock.
The boys are back together!
6
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:12,273
- This cake
for a gay wedding.
7
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,535
The inside is a rainbow.
- Nuh-uh.
8
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,232
It's my favorite flavor:
all the flavors!
9
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,191
- I can't believe
Bethany's gone.
10
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:19,802
It was so out of the blue.
- Well, not entirely.
11
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,630
I mean, she did have an affair
with her hairdresser,
12
00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:23,327
and you filmed it and
threatened to release the tape,
13
00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:24,546
and then she said
she didn't care
14
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,069
and put it on the internet
herself,
15
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,331
and then when it
started to make money,
16
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:29,072
you sued her
for half the profits.
17
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,682
- And then boom, out of
the blue: divorce papers.
18
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:32,119
- Aw, buddy, you'll be okay.
19
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,816
- It doesn't feel like it.
20
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,645
My heart is ruined forever.
I'm done with love.
21
00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:38,255
I'll never find anyone as--
22
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:41,215
Oh, my God!
Get a load of the can on her!
23
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:43,565
See ya dorks,
I'm gonna get some.
24
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:46,089
- Well, Hitchcock still sucks.
25
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,092
[upbeat music]
26
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:56,143
♪
27
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,415
- Hey,
28
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,678
did you get my
sexy calendar invite?
29
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:12,376
- You mean the one titled
"8:00 pm coitus"?
30
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,857
- Yes, and the one
titled 7:55 foreplay.
31
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,424
You didn't
accept either invite.
32
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,382
Oh.
I can start foreplay later.
33
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,514
- No, no, no.
34
00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:20,732
I love foreplay, as you know.
35
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,125
It's just--this is all feeling
36
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,084
a little overscheduled,
you know?
37
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:26,608
It might be taking some of
the fun out of making a baby.
38
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:29,698
- Oh, okay.
So what are you suggesting?
39
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:32,135
- Maybe we try this
The Jake Way.
40
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:33,571
- Eating dinner
starting with dessert?
41
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:34,572
- That's one Jake Way.
You know?
42
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:35,834
The Jake Way is a brand.
43
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,314
It encompasses
a whole lifestyle.
44
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,186
So get ready,
because this month,
45
00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:41,623
we're making a baby
The Jake Way.
46
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,538
- Okay, I'm in.
Sounds fun.
47
00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:46,236
So, are we doing tonight, or...
- Oh, no, no, no.
48
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,282
The Jake Way does not believe
in scheduling.
49
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:49,718
You gotta just let go.
50
00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:51,241
- You don't know
what The Jake Way is.
51
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:52,373
- Nope,
but we've got a name for it,
52
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:53,548
and that's a great start.
53
00:01:53,591 --> 00:01:54,897
The Jake Way!
54
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,768
- Lieutenant, as you know,
55
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,857
I've been walking the same beat
for the past three weeks.
56
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:00,772
It's become a bit tedious.
57
00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:02,426
- I thought you loved tedium.
58
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,862
- I love monotony.
They're very different.
59
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,821
- I'm sorry,
but you know our policy
60
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,257
is that uniformed officers
must walk
61
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:09,172
the same beat for six months.
62
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,435
It's how they become familiar
with the community they serve.
63
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:12,871
- Well, surely you can
make an exception for me.
64
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:14,351
- I can't play favorites.
65
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,613
You never did
when you were in charge.
66
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,137
- Of course I did.
- Really?
67
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,442
I never got any
special treatment.
68
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:20,314
- I think you
can do the math there.
69
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:21,532
- Damn.
70
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:22,794
Well, think of it this way:
71
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,318
It's like doing reps at a gym.
72
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,233
Doing something
over and over again
73
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,756
is how you
make your pecs pop.
74
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,888
- The only muscle
I care to work out is my brain.
75
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:32,587
- Then get those reps in
and make that brain pop.
76
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,197
Pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop.
77
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:35,894
- What you're describing
is an aneurism.
78
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:38,288
- Pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop.
79
00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:40,464
- It's official!
I'm in love.
80
00:02:40,508 --> 00:02:42,858
I just spent the night
with the woman of my dreams.
81
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:44,512
- The lady from
your divorce party?
82
00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:45,643
- Yeah.
She's my soulmate.
83
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,602
She's funny.
She's beautiful.
84
00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,299
She has almost no scars.
- Hot biscuits.
85
00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:50,909
It sounds like
you hooked a live one.
86
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,824
- I know; we walked
along the river for hours,
87
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,217
just talking and laughing.
88
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,785
She even gave me
her real number.
89
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,526
- Really?
- Check it out.
90
00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:00,615
- That's just a dirty
old napkin covered in sauce.
91
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:03,444
- Oh, no. Her number!
It's totally ruined.
92
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,315
I knew I shouldn't have
had those breakfast wings.
93
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:06,882
- Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.
94
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,710
- Now all I have to
remember her by is this tooth.
95
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,712
- What the hell?
Why do you have that?
96
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,409
- We were eating pizza,
and it fell out of her mouth.
97
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:14,194
- Well, this is perfect.
We can use it to find her.
98
00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:15,586
- What do you mean?
99
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,240
- We just have to try
fitting that tooth
100
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,850
into the mouth of every woman
in New York City
101
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,766
till we find the matching
gum hole of your one true love.
102
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:25,944
- My life is like a fairytale!
103
00:03:25,988 --> 00:03:27,555
- So, Lieutenant,
sorry to take up your time.
104
00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:29,992
I just wanted to go over
the CompStat numbers.
105
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,864
Um, what the--
- Is something wrong?
106
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:36,477
Are the CompStat numbers bad?
107
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,566
- The numbers are
fine and I have to go.
108
00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:40,742
- Oh, okay, then why'd you ask
for this meeting?
109
00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:41,917
- Don't follow me.
110
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,484
- What?
I wasn't going to!
111
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,921
This was a very
confusing interaction!
112
00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:48,663
[phone buzzing]
- Hmm.
113
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,665
Hello?
- Hello, Sergeant Santiago.
114
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,667
I've taken your husband
hostage.
115
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,495
If you ever want
to make a baby with him,
116
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,323
you'll do exactly as I say.
117
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:57,933
- Jake, where are you?
118
00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,935
- Oh, this isn't Jake.
This is the Syndicate.
119
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,415
And you will never see us,
120
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:02,503
because we are
everywhere and--
121
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:03,852
- You're by the elevators.
122
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,810
- Dammit! Don't--
look away! Look away!
123
00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,812
- Okay.
- Yes, that's better.
124
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,814
On top of the copier,
there's a headset.
125
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,339
Put it on and get in the limo
that's waiting out front.
126
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:13,775
- Mm, okay, I love you.
127
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:15,298
- I love you, too.
Now go!
128
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,563
- Are you Amy?
129
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,304
- Tell him "yes."
- Yes.
130
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,698
- How does it feel
to be played like a puppet?
131
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,962
- Okay,
I'm walking into the apartment.
132
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:30,357
Why did you have me
get $400 out of the ATM?
133
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,533
- Good question.
It's to pay for the Airbnb.
134
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,578
- You're giving them
$400 in cash?
135
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:37,015
- I broke several lamps while
trying to hide in the dark.
136
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,539
Now, turn on the lights.
137
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,410
- Okay.
138
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,411
Hello... it's me.
139
00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:42,456
- Put down the drinks.
140
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:43,935
- Why?
Are you upset?
141
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:44,936
- Yeah, and now I have to
take The Syndicate down.
142
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,547
- Oh, my goodness.
143
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:47,591
To be clear,
by "take down The Syndicate,"
144
00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:48,984
you mean we're gonna have--
145
00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:50,594
- We're gonna have sex, yeah.
- Okay.
146
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,030
- Yeah, absolutely.
Take your clothes off.
147
00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:54,381
[animals squeaking]
- Boyle, what are those?
148
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,557
- My guinea pigs.
This lady is Claire.
149
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,037
And this guy
is also named Claire.
150
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:01,518
- You can't have pets in here.
This is a police precinct.
151
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:02,824
- I know, I'm sorry.
152
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,347
I got them
for Nikolaj's birthday,
153
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:05,653
but it turns out he's allergic
154
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:07,089
and the pet store
won't take them back.
155
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,438
- I've got a friend
who works in a lab.
156
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:09,831
I can call and see if they need
157
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,441
any guinea pigs
for their research.
158
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,356
- They are not
science experiments!
159
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,444
They are living creatures
160
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:16,098
with rich inner lives.
161
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,361
- Claire number two is
stuck on his back like a bug.
162
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,797
- Oh, I'll handle this.
163
00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,712
[cage rustling]
Flip! Flip!
164
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:22,800
Oh,
I flipped the wrong Claire.
165
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:23,932
- Stop flipping guinea pigs
166
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,455
and get them out of here!
167
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,065
- I'll make 'em disappear,
Lieutenant.
168
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,632
- Oh!
Don't kill them.
169
00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:29,981
They have so much to live for.
170
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:30,982
They haven't even
been to Manhattan yet.
171
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:32,636
- Okay, coast is clear.
172
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,855
I know a safe place
we can hide these guys
173
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,378
until we can find
homes for them.
174
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:36,510
- You're not
going to murder them?
175
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:37,641
- Hell no.
I love animals.
176
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:38,642
I'm the mushy one on the squad.
177
00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:39,774
- Right, of course.
178
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,647
- Here it is.
Supply closet K.
179
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,083
It's full of CPR
training babies.
180
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,389
No one goes in there
because it's too creepy.
181
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:49,697
- Oh my God.
182
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,525
It's perfect.
183
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,527
- Well, I don't want
to take all the credit,
184
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,442
but I'm pretty sure
doing it The Jake Way worked
185
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:56,965
and we're getting pregnant.
186
00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,097
- That would be incredible, but
187
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,970
feels like you're setting us up
for disappointment.
188
00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,102
- No, I'm just
being optimistic.
189
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,017
You're amazing, we're amazing,
190
00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:07,671
and it definitely worked.
191
00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:08,759
- It didn't work.
- Ugh!
192
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,370
I knew it.
I got bum nards!
193
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,980
- Jake!
- Right, gotta stay optimistic.
194
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:13,373
We can do this!
195
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:16,114
.
196
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:18,203
- So how are you feeling?
197
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:19,509
- Well, I'm pretty bummed,
but--
198
00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:21,032
- Amy, could you
open your mouth for me?
199
00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:22,425
- What? No.
- Forget it, I just saw.
200
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,079
She's got all her teeth...
201
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,863
- [scoffs]
- Even the back ones.
202
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:27,561
- Did that
turn your mood around?
203
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:29,214
- Nope.
But it's okay.
204
00:06:29,258 --> 00:06:30,564
I figured out how
we're gonna get pregnant.
205
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,392
- By doubling down
on The Jake Way?
206
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,523
Ooh, do you think we could rent
the phone booth
207
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,307
from the movie "Phone Booth"?
208
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,919
- No, from now on,
we're gonna do it The Amy Way.
209
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,355
- Does that mean
we're going back to
210
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,443
the overly scheduled sex thing?
- No.
211
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,010
We're going way more scheduled.
212
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,011
- Ah, so even less fun.
213
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,316
- Big time.
214
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:45,622
This is a test,
and we're failing.
215
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,363
Because we're not
studying hard enough.
216
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,496
- Or maybe this is just
217
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,454
one of those tests
you can't study for?
218
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:54,065
- [laughs maniacally]
219
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:55,415
- Oh, wow, that's a new laugh.
220
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:57,242
- Come on.
We're going binder shopping.
221
00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,027
- [sighs]
222
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,245
- I'm off
to walk my beat again,
223
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:01,551
much like Sisyphus,
224
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:03,466
condemned to
push the same boulder
225
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,512
up the same hill
day in and day out.
226
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:08,079
- You know, according to French
Philosopher Albert Camus,
227
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:11,474
Sisyphus achieved happiness
in that absurd repetition.
228
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:14,564
- Any French philosophy
post-Rousseau is essentially
229
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,392
a magazine.
230
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,133
You rube.
231
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,482
- Oh, hey, Boyle!
232
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:22,398
Do you have
the 6th Street case file--
233
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,965
Wait.
What's that?
234
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,489
- Uh, this?
It's... my water bottle.
235
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,231
- It looks like a water bottle
from a guinea pig cage.
236
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:31,059
- True, I got it for the guinea
pigs,
237
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,539
but they're not here anymore.
238
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,063
So I decided to be green
and use it for myself.
239
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,979
[water sloshing,
Boyle suckling]
240
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,242
Ah!
Thirst quenched.
241
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,461
- What took you so long?
242
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,245
- [sighs]
Terry almost caught me.
243
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:44,246
I had to drink from
the guinea pigs' water bottle.
244
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,595
Amazingly, he--
245
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:47,118
- Totally bought you'd do that?
- Mm-hmm.
246
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,119
- Yeah, I'm not surprised
at all.
247
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,469
Good news.
248
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,470
My niece will
take the two Claires.
249
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:51,601
She wants them as pets.
250
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,255
- That is great!
Okay.
251
00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:54,474
Now we just need
to find a home for ten more.
252
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,301
- Ten?
253
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:57,955
- Boy Claire got girl Claire
pregnant
254
00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,479
and made a bunch
of little baby Claires.
255
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:00,567
- Oh, they're
having sex again.
256
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,177
Mm-hmm.
Both: Oh, Claire.
257
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:03,526
- Claire.
- Claire.
258
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,702
- I gotta say,
I'm loving these.
259
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,530
I always wanted to wear
Hammer pants.
260
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:08,662
- Stop.
- Hammer time?
261
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,228
- No.
Stop joking around.
262
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,056
You're wearing those pants
263
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,231
to keep your testicles away
from your body's warm core
264
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:15,016
so your sperm don't overheat.
265
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,670
- Well, I am loving the breeze.
I feel like I'm 83.
266
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,019
- All right, focus up.
267
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,629
This is our pregnancy war room.
268
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,152
On the master calendar,
269
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:22,371
we will track
ovulation windows,
270
00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:24,068
menstruation cycles,
271
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,983
and every uterine deposit.
- "Uterine deposit"?
272
00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:27,768
Is that what we're calling sex?
It seems a little clinical.
273
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:29,726
- Well, you could always
shorten it to U.D.
274
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,380
or "ud."
275
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,773
- Yeah, I don't
want to do that.
276
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,383
- Here's a list of
everything you cannot eat
277
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,602
while we are trying
to conceive.
278
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,299
- No more nachos?
279
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:38,561
Even if they're in
a novelty baseball helmet?
280
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,562
- No.
281
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,521
- Whoa, this is serious.
282
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:43,305
- We will adhere to
a strict exercise regimen
283
00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:44,349
and sleep schedule.
284
00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,177
Also, no more video games,
285
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:47,614
because they cause stress
and they raise your heart rate.
286
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,354
- More stress
than being a police officer?
287
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,095
- Jake, I've seen you play
"Mario Party."
288
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:52,662
- Wario cheats!
289
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,185
I'm just saying, Wario cheats.
290
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:55,491
It's a stupid game.
291
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,319
- Look, I know it isn't easy,
292
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,147
but this could increase our
chances
293
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,149
of getting pregnant
by 19% a month.
294
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,237
- Yeah, of course.
Absolutely.
295
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,543
So how do we get it started:
296
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,109
Dim the lights,
put on some music?
297
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:06,546
- Swallow 35 vitamins each.
298
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,374
- Oh.
Cheers.
299
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:10,419
- Oh.
300
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:13,161
Let's make a baby!
301
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,816
[pills clattering]
302
00:09:15,859 --> 00:09:17,687
I probably should have had some
water ready.
303
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:21,561
- Okay, basal
body temp is optimal.
304
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,519
Let's do this quickly.
305
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,478
- Oh, Amy, I'm not some faucet
you can just turn on and off.
306
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:27,697
You gotta romance me.
307
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,307
Faucet's on!
Let's ud!
308
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:31,179
- Thank You.
- Spasibo.
309
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:32,441
- Okay.
- Do svidaniya.
310
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,225
- Okay.
311
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:36,401
[dog barking]
312
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,360
[garbage bag thuds]
- Sorry!
313
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:39,709
- I thought you separated
the males and the females.
314
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,668
- Well, it's hard.
They're all named Claire.
315
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,104
- You named them Claire!
316
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:47,674
♪
317
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,285
- Oh, come on.
318
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,243
It's like every woman in this
city has all of her teeth.
319
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:54,506
Stupid Bloomberg
and his stupid soda ban!
320
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,118
- Okay, 6:14, it's ud o'clock!
321
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,249
- Okay.
322
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,643
- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm.
323
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,819
- So this bag of pellets
is your lunch?
324
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,299
- Yup, it's the perfect
food for a human man.
325
00:10:04,342 --> 00:10:05,387
[loud crunch]
326
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:06,780
You want some?
- No!
327
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:13,700
♪
328
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,136
- Spasibo.
329
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:16,616
Do svidaniya.
- Do svidaniya.
330
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,313
♪
331
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,402
[garbage bag thuds]
- Sorry!
332
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:22,404
♪
333
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:24,275
- Where were you?
You're 19 minutes late.
334
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:25,712
My temperature is shot to hell!
335
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,365
- I know.
I'm Sorry.
336
00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:28,715
I got detained
by the transit cops because
337
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,542
my baggy pants
fell off on the subway.
338
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,153
- Let's just ud
and get it over with.
339
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:33,589
- Oh, my God.
340
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,895
There's so many of them.
341
00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:35,896
- Sit.
342
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:38,246
Yeah, good boy.
343
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:43,643
[garbage bag thuds]
344
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:44,774
- You awake?
- Nope.
345
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:46,776
You?
- No. Let's do this.
346
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:47,908
- Okay.
347
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,779
Shirts on?
- Definitely.
348
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,302
- Spasibo.
- Pozhaluysta.
349
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:54,479
Mnogo kliyentov segodnya?
350
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:55,698
- Make it a double.
351
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,265
My heart has a hole in it.
352
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,658
I might as well
fill it with booze.
353
00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,789
- Same for me.
354
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,270
Except my hole's in my mouth.
355
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,532
- It's you!
356
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,795
My toothless Cinderella!
357
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:10,278
- Well, that was definitely
technically sex.
358
00:11:10,321 --> 00:11:11,888
- Yep.
359
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,542
Maybe that was the one.
360
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:15,152
- Not the one.
361
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:16,414
- [sighs]
362
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,199
- I'm so exhausted.
- Me too.
363
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,287
But the doctor said
that it could take a while.
364
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,158
- I know.
It's just...
365
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,421
we're doing everything right,
and it's still not working.
366
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,815
What kind of perfect person do
you have to be to get pregnant?
367
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:28,470
- We're having a baby!
368
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,211
- Oh, rot in hell!
369
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:32,779
.
370
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:34,955
- Congratulations, Hitchcock,
371
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:36,608
it's the first wedding
I've ever been to
372
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:37,697
with a cover charge.
- It's for our honeymoon.
373
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,002
We're going to Barbados,
374
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:40,482
and we'll have the island
all to ourselves,
375
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,092
because it's Dengue Fever
season.
376
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:43,093
- But your wife is pregnant.
377
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,834
- You can't live in fear.
378
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,531
Don't want to spend every
moment worried about Dengue
379
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:48,664
or black mold
or those weird spots
380
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,361
on the MRI
they found on your brain.
381
00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:51,798
- Hitchcock,
is your brain okay?
382
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,974
- The point is: I don't care.
383
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,149
Also, Anna's family
is from the Old Country
384
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,716
and kind of conservative,
385
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,543
so try not to mention
the baby to them.
386
00:11:58,587 --> 00:11:59,893
- Perfect; I'll just do
what I always do at weddings:
387
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,677
not talk to anyone
I don't know already.
388
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,983
- You're the best, Jake.
389
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,071
That's why you're
the baby's godfather.
390
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,115
- Wait.
I am?
391
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,856
- Ugh.
392
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,989
I can't believe
they're pregnant and we're not.
393
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,468
How did they do it?
394
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,774
- They got drunk and had sex
395
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,036
in a public park
next to a skunk.
396
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,385
Hitchcock sent me
a very long text
397
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:15,604
with a lot of details in it.
398
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,040
I think
it was meant for Scully.
399
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,868
- Ugh, the world is officially
upside down.
400
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,914
- Wait a minute.
Maybe that's it.
401
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,567
We tried getting pregnant
The Jake Way;
402
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:23,699
we tried The Amy Way.
403
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,135
Maybe it's time we tried it...
404
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,658
The Hitchcock Way.
405
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,486
- What's The Hitchcock Way?
406
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,053
- In every situation,
make the worst possible choice.
407
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,186
- Okay.
What the hell?
408
00:12:32,229 --> 00:12:33,535
Nothing else is working.
409
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:34,928
Let's try it The Hitchcock Way.
410
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,060
- All right, so first move:
Get hammered.
411
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:39,193
[grunts]
Drink up.
412
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:41,543
- Uh, these are someone else's.
There's lipstick on mine.
413
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:43,197
- Yeah,
there's a cigarette in mine.
414
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,633
But we're doing things The
Hitchcock Way, so bottoms up!
415
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:46,722
- All right.
416
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,506
- For those of you
that don't know me,
417
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,726
my name is Norm Scully.
418
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,945
Hitchcock is my partner,
419
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,773
and he's also my best friend.
420
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,731
He buys the bear claws I like
when we're on a stakeout
421
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,952
or when we're just
in the office or at home.
422
00:12:58,995 --> 00:12:59,953
I love him.
423
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,476
Anna Rubov,
424
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,217
do you promise
to love and cherish
425
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,088
Michael Hitchcock as
much as I've loved him?
426
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,437
- I do.
427
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:07,525
- And, Michael Hitchcock,
428
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,092
do you agree to shower Anna
429
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,051
with the same love and kindness
you've shown me
430
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:13,183
these 30 wonderful years
together?
431
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,142
- I do.
- Dang.
432
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,491
Terry didn't know
this was gonna be so sweet.
433
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:17,840
- You may now kiss the bride.
434
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:22,802
[cheers and applause]
435
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,109
- Hey, Rosa, good news.
436
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,719
I just talked to someone
437
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,460
who said he'd take
all the guinea pigs.
438
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:30,940
- All 600?
Why would he do that?
439
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,768
- I didn't ask.
I just said yes.
440
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,248
Our prayers have been answered!
- Who is this guy?
441
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,032
We gotta check him out,
make sure he's not weird.
442
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,208
- He's just a normal guy
who's a friend of Hitchcock's--
443
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,862
yep, we gotta check him out.
444
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:45,650
[background chatter, low music]
445
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:46,826
- Yeah, he's gonna
turn them into toupees.
446
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:47,914
- Oh, my god, he is.
447
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,132
- The Hitchcock Way is exactly
448
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:51,004
what we needed, you know?
449
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:52,919
These last six months have
actually been pretty hard.
450
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:54,485
- Mm, no!
451
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:55,704
Hitchcock doesn't
dwell on the past.
452
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:58,098
Hitchcock
forgets about the past
453
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,969
because
of the spots on his brain!
454
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:00,970
- Yes.
455
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:01,971
To brain spots!
456
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,059
[glasses clink]
457
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,889
Both: Oh!
Cinnamon schnapps!
458
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,544
- Barkeep, another round
of drink roulette.
459
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,938
- Lieutenant, I never see you
at Shaw's on a Sunday.
460
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:14,854
Those nights are reserved for
spending time with your family.
461
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:15,898
I guess you do make...
462
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:16,899
exceptions.
463
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,292
- What?
464
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,859
- The conversation
we had six months ago?
465
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:20,860
The one where you
said you wouldn't make
466
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:21,861
an exception for me.
467
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,079
- That was so long ago.
468
00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,733
A lot has happened
since then.
469
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:26,953
- Well, to me it seems like
mere minutes ago,
470
00:14:26,996 --> 00:14:30,173
because I've been living the
same day over and over again.
471
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,828
- Gentlemen, would either
of you mind giving some toasts?
472
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,874
People are starting to notice
we didn't serve any food.
473
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,571
- I have something
I'd like to say.
474
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,007
- Marriage is amazing.
475
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,880
To get to spend every day
with the same person,
476
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,883
day after day,
month after month on repeat.
477
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:46,015
The comfort of knowing that
tomorrow
478
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:48,670
will be just like
today is truly
479
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,019
a rewarding assignment.
480
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,586
To Hitchcock!
481
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:52,848
- Hear hear.
[glass clinks]
482
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,632
- I'd also like
to make a speech.
483
00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:58,158
Most marriages end in divorce,
and there's a reason.
484
00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:00,638
It's boring to be stuck
in the same routine forever.
485
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:02,684
There's no value to be found
486
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,991
in walking the same beat
over and over,
487
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,949
especially when you've been
a captain for six years.
488
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:09,691
The point is: marriage is
489
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:12,737
a waste of my talents,
Lieutenant.
490
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,914
To Hitchcock!
- These are great.
491
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:15,958
- Really?
492
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,829
- I also have a toast to make.
493
00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:20,180
Hitchcock, I always thought
I was better than you,
494
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:23,313
because I haven't been divorced
seven times
495
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:25,881
and I've never been
banned from a museum
496
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:26,969
for kissing the statues.
497
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,884
But today I realize
498
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,192
that maybe my life would be
better if I was more like you.
499
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:36,022
Anyway, I gotta go
make a baby of my own
500
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,241
just like the baby
inside of Anna.
501
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,634
[scattered gasps]
502
00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:41,114
[hands slap]
- Nailed it.
503
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,594
- Why is she
saying these things, Anna?
504
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,248
- Okay, bud.
505
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:48,251
Are you ready to have some
stupid Hitchcock-style sex?
506
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:49,731
- Oh, yeah,
where are we going?
507
00:15:49,774 --> 00:15:51,124
- Nowhere.
508
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,300
We're going right here
in Shaw's bathroom.
509
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:54,910
- Oh, that's such a bad idea.
510
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:55,955
I love it.
511
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,218
All right.
512
00:15:58,261 --> 00:15:59,828
- Occupied!
513
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,221
- Someone's in there.
Should we wait?
514
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,831
- Would Hitchcock wait?
515
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:05,790
- Hell no.
Hitchcock would find an alley!
516
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,749
- Well, this is perfect.
517
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,012
There's probably so many skunks
skunking around here.
518
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,014
- Oh, yeah.
We're gonna make a skunk baby.
519
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:13,015
- Yeah.
520
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,756
- Hello.
- Huh?
521
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:16,888
- Don't worry about me.
I don't want to join.
522
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,760
I'm happy just to watch.
523
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,111
- [shouting in Russian]
524
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:24,766
- Crap; they're really
pissed that Anna's pregnant.
525
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,376
- No, it's more
complicated than that.
526
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,857
Anna just called her
entire family hypocrites.
527
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:29,945
- Wait, you speak Russian?
528
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,947
- Huh.
I guess I do.
529
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,383
I must have picked it up
from speaking to that woman
530
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:34,994
at the coffee cart
for the past six months.
531
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,300
- [shouting in Russian]
532
00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:38,301
- Now what's happening?
533
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,955
- Anna's mother says Anna
534
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,218
should be
with someone respectable,
535
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:45,221
like her sister's husband,
Boris, instead of the...
536
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,831
Pig man.
- Well, that's too bad,
537
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,746
'cause she already married
the pig man.
538
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:51,314
[both shouting in Russian]
539
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:52,924
What's she saying?
540
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,362
- She says that Boris
is not a good man.
541
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,146
He's cheating on her sister.
542
00:16:57,190 --> 00:17:00,062
She knows because he's
the real father of her baby.
543
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,759
- Oh.
- What?
544
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:03,892
Oh, no!
545
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,156
[door clicks, Amy gasps]
546
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,853
- Someone's here.
This is too public!
547
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:11,073
- I mean, it wouldn't
stop Hitchcock, but fine.
548
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,292
I know a secret spot.
549
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,298
[loud crash, both gasp]
550
00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:19,821
- What was that?
551
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,127
What am I feeling right now?
- Huh?
552
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,867
- Are those all your
little hands?
553
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,347
[rodent teeth gnawing]
554
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:26,480
[dramatic horror music,
guinea pigs squeaking]
555
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:28,873
[both scream]
556
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,397
[dramatic horror music,
guinea pigs squeaking]
557
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,485
[both scream]
558
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:35,228
.
559
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,491
- And this is the last one.
560
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,492
We've rounded up
all the guinea pigs.
561
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,407
- Not even close.
562
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:42,061
Guinea pig.
Guinea pig.
563
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,063
Guinea pig.
Guinea pig.
564
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,587
What were you thinking,
breeding guinea pigs at work?
565
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:48,154
- We weren't
breeding them on purpose.
566
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,720
They're just
very sexual creatures,
567
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:50,895
and we didn't want to
slut-shame them.
568
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:52,158
- Yeah.
569
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,637
Sorry you're not
more sex-positive, Terry.
570
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:54,856
- I called my friend
at the lab.
571
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,597
He's gonna take
the guinea pigs.
572
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,077
They're not gonna do
any chemical tests on them.
573
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,208
They're just gonna teach them
how to run mazes.
574
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,818
- Really?
575
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:01,819
I want you to look
Claire 38 in the eye,
576
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,212
and tell her that--
577
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,649
- I'm sending
you to a lab, Claire; bye.
578
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,216
- You can't do this!
579
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:08,739
- This is so unfair, Terry!
- You're a cruel man!
580
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,176
- Thank God
he found a way to end it.
581
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,003
- Oh, it's over.
The nightmare's over.
582
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:13,831
- There you are.
583
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:14,963
You didn't wake me up
when you left this morning.
584
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,225
- I tried.
585
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,618
You said, "I'm dead.
586
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:19,010
Leave me.
Find someone new."
587
00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,447
- Yeah, pretty hungover.
588
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:21,448
Look, last night wasn't great,
589
00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,927
but I think I know why.
590
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,625
We were trying
to do it like Hitchcock
591
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,235
when we should have been
trying to do it like Boris,
592
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,629
the man who actually
impregnated Hitchcock's wife.
593
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:29,978
So I found him
on Facebook and--
594
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:30,979
- Jake, stop.
595
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,589
Why is it so easy
596
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:34,983
for everyone else
to get pregnant?
597
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:35,984
I mean, look at
these stupid guinea pigs.
598
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,812
They made 600 babies,
599
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:38,987
and we can't make one?
600
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,858
Why can't we make 600 babies?
601
00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,860
- You can't compare yourself
to guinea pigs, babe.
602
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:44,079
You taught me that.
603
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,776
- I'm exhausted.
604
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,213
And the universe
keeps telling us
605
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:48,953
that it doesn't want us
to have a baby.
606
00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:50,216
The message
couldn't be clearer.
607
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:51,826
So I'm done.
608
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:54,133
- Like, done for this month?
609
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,526
- Done.
Just done.
610
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,054
- Thank you for seeing me.
611
00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:05,622
I just wanted to let you know
I was wrong.
612
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,537
Until last night,
I didn't realize
613
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,496
how much Russian I'd learned.
614
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:11,019
- Yeah, it was impressive.
615
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:12,847
And your accent was great, too.
- Thank you,
616
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,196
but I actually speak
with the accent of a peasant.
617
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,285
Anyway, I walked my beat
this morning,
618
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,244
and I spoke to several people
in Russian.
619
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:20,985
They were so impressed,
they opened up to me.
620
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:23,988
I got a number of useful tips.
- All right.
621
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:26,208
All because I made you
do something tedious.
622
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,210
- Monotonous.
Don't ruin this.
623
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:30,778
- Thanks for coming out
to Hitchcock's divorce party.
624
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,301
- You know you got
another gay cake, right?
625
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,868
- What?
No way.
626
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,522
- It says "Boys! Boys! Boys!"
on it.
627
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,654
- Because we're the boys.
628
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,961
- Guys, I figured out what
went wrong between Anna and me.
629
00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:42,137
My job.
I'm a workaholic!
630
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,834
Not anymore.
631
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:46,185
From now on, I'm focusing
on what really matters.
632
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,274
Come on, Scully,
let's get some wings.
633
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:51,190
- Aw, bud,
I thought you'd never ask.
634
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,887
- Hey, want some cake?
635
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,018
I got a piece with a heart
on it,
636
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,672
which I now realize is a butt.
637
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,284
- I'm good.
Thanks.
638
00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:00,068
- So listen.
639
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,070
I've been thinking about
what you said this morning...
640
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:05,073
And it has been a really hard
couple of months.
641
00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:07,336
- I'm sorry
I'm bad at making babies.
642
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,729
- Hey, hey, don't say that.
643
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,165
It's not your fault.
644
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,906
And look, for all we know,
I could have--
645
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,951
- Don't say you have bum nards.
646
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:16,606
- I wasn't--I wasn't gonna.
647
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,826
[scoffs]
648
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:22,177
I think maybe it's just
a thing we can't control.
649
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,092
- That is my least
favorite kind of thing.
650
00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:25,746
- I know.
651
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,791
- I really wanted
to start a family.
652
00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:32,318
- Amy, we are a family.
653
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,971
You and me.
654
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:35,625
So, you know,
we can keep trying
655
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,149
or look into IVF or adoption
656
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,935
or if we want, we can
forget about the whole thing.
657
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:44,243
But if we're together,
I'm happy no matter what.
658
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,636
- I don't know
what I want to do.
659
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,247
- Fine.
That's okay too.
660
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,683
We don't have to have a plan.
661
00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:51,337
We make the rules.
662
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,121
Maybe it would help
to just not think
663
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,731
about the whole thing
for a while
664
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,124
and see where we're at.
665
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:59,258
- Yeah, okay.
666
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:00,650
I love you.
667
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:01,999
- I love you.
668
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,055
- Should we go?
669
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,361
- Yes.
- Okay.
670
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:18,799
- Nope.
671
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,235
- [sighs]
45022
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