All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine Nine s07e06_English

- Thanks, everybody,
for coming out

to Hitchcock's
divorce party.

- Why is the cake
two men getting married?

- That's me and Hitchcock.
The boys are back together!

- This cake
for a gay wedding.

The inside is a rainbow.
- Nuh-uh.

It's my favorite flavor:
all the flavors!

- I can't believe
Bethany's gone.

It was so out of the blue.
- Well, not entirely.

I mean, she did have an affair
with her hairdresser,

and you filmed it and
threatened to release the tape,

and then she said
she didn't care

and put it on the internet
herself,

and then when it
started to make money,

you sued her
for half the profits.

- And then boom, out of
the blue: divorce papers.

- Aw, buddy, you'll be okay.

- It doesn't feel like it.

My heart is ruined forever.
I'm done with love.

I'll never find anyone as--

Oh, my God!
Get a load of the can on her!

See ya dorks,
I'm gonna get some.

- Well, Hitchcock still sucks.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hey,

did you get my
sexy calendar invite?

- You mean the one titled
"8:00 pm coitus"?

- Yes, and the one
titled 7:55 foreplay.

You didn't
accept either invite.

Oh.
I can start foreplay later.

- No, no, no.

I love foreplay, as you know.

It's just--this is all feeling

a little overscheduled,
you know?

It might be taking some of
the fun out of making a baby.

- Oh, okay.
So what are you suggesting?

- Maybe we try this
The Jake Way.

- Eating dinner
starting with dessert?

- That's one Jake Way.
You know?

The Jake Way is a brand.

It encompasses
a whole lifestyle.

So get ready,
because this month,

we're making a baby
The Jake Way.

- Okay, I'm in.
Sounds fun.

So, are we doing tonight, or...
- Oh, no, no, no.

The Jake Way does not believe
in scheduling.

You gotta just let go.

- You don't know
what The Jake Way is.

- Nope,
but we've got a name for it,

and that's a great start.

The Jake Way!

- Lieutenant, as you know,

I've been walking the same beat
for the past three weeks.

It's become a bit tedious.

- I thought you loved tedium.

- I love monotony.
They're very different.

- I'm sorry,
but you know our policy

is that uniformed officers
must walk

the same beat for six months.

It's how they become familiar
with the community they serve.

- Well, surely you can
make an exception for me.

- I can't play favorites.

You never did
when you were in charge.

- Of course I did.
- Really?

I never got any
special treatment.

- I think you
can do the math there.

- Damn.

Well, think of it this way:

It's like doing reps at a gym.

Doing something
over and over again

is how you
make your pecs pop.

- The only muscle
I care to work out is my brain.

- Then get those reps in
and make that brain pop.

Pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop.

- What you're describing
is an aneurism.

- Pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop.

- It's official!
I'm in love.

I just spent the night
with the woman of my dreams.

- The lady from
your divorce party?

- Yeah.
She's my soulmate.

She's funny.
She's beautiful.

She has almost no scars.
- Hot biscuits.

It sounds like
you hooked a live one.

- I know; we walked
along the river for hours,

just talking and laughing.

She even gave me
her real number.

- Really?
- Check it out.

- That's just a dirty
old napkin covered in sauce.

- Oh, no. Her number!
It's totally ruined.

I knew I shouldn't have
had those breakfast wings.

- Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.

- Now all I have to
remember her by is this tooth.

- What the hell?
Why do you have that?

- We were eating pizza,
and it fell out of her mouth.

- Well, this is perfect.
We can use it to find her.

- What do you mean?

- We just have to try
fitting that tooth

into the mouth of every woman
in New York City

till we find the matching
gum hole of your one true love.

- My life is like a fairytale!

- So, Lieutenant,
sorry to take up your time.

I just wanted to go over
the CompStat numbers.

Um, what the--
- Is something wrong?

Are the CompStat numbers bad?

- The numbers are
fine and I have to go.

- Oh, okay, then why'd you ask
for this meeting?

- Don't follow me.

- What?
I wasn't going to!

This was a very
confusing interaction!

[phone buzzing]
- Hmm.

Hello?
- Hello, Sergeant Santiago.

I've taken your husband
hostage.

If you ever want
to make a baby with him,

you'll do exactly as I say.

- Jake, where are you?

- Oh, this isn't Jake.
This is the Syndicate.

And you will never see us,

because we are
everywhere and--

- You're by the elevators.

- Dammit! Don't--
look away! Look away!

- Okay.
- Yes, that's better.

On top of the copier,
there's a headset.

Put it on and get in the limo
that's waiting out front.

- Mm, okay, I love you.

- I love you, too.
Now go!

- Are you Amy?

- Tell him "yes."
- Yes.

- How does it feel
to be played like a puppet?

- Okay,
I'm walking into the apartment.

Why did you have me
get $400 out of the ATM?

- Good question.
It's to pay for the Airbnb.

- You're giving them
$400 in cash?

- I broke several lamps while
trying to hide in the dark.

Now, turn on the lights.

- Okay.

Hello... it's me.

- Put down the drinks.

- Why?
Are you upset?

- Yeah, and now I have to
take The Syndicate down.

- Oh, my goodness.

To be clear,
by "take down The Syndicate,"

you mean we're gonna have--

- We're gonna have sex, yeah.
- Okay.

- Yeah, absolutely.
Take your clothes off.

[animals squeaking]
- Boyle, what are those?

- My guinea pigs.
This lady is Claire.

And this guy
is also named Claire.

- You can't have pets in here.
This is a police precinct.

- I know, I'm sorry.

I got them
for Nikolaj's birthday,

but it turns out he's allergic

and the pet store
won't take them back.

- I've got a friend
who works in a lab.

I can call and see if they need

any guinea pigs
for their research.

- They are not
science experiments!

They are living creatures

with rich inner lives.

- Claire number two is
stuck on his back like a bug.

- Oh, I'll handle this.

[cage rustling]
Flip! Flip!

Oh,
I flipped the wrong Claire.

- Stop flipping guinea pigs

and get them out of here!

- I'll make 'em disappear,
Lieutenant.

- Oh!
Don't kill them.

They have so much to live for.

They haven't even
been to Manhattan yet.

- Okay, coast is clear.

I know a safe place
we can hide these guys

until we can find
homes for them.

- You're not
going to murder them?

- Hell no.
I love animals.

I'm the mushy one on the squad.

- Right, of course.

- Here it is.
Supply closet K.

It's full of CPR
training babies.

No one goes in there
because it's too creepy.

- Oh my God.

It's perfect.

- Well, I don't want
to take all the credit,

but I'm pretty sure
doing it The Jake Way worked

and we're getting pregnant.

- That would be incredible, but

feels like you're setting us up
for disappointment.

- No, I'm just
being optimistic.

You're amazing, we're amazing,

and it definitely worked.

- It didn't work.
- Ugh!

I knew it.
I got bum nards!

- Jake!
- Right, gotta stay optimistic.

We can do this!

.

- So how are you feeling?

- Well, I'm pretty bummed,
but--

- Amy, could you
open your mouth for me?

- What? No.
- Forget it, I just saw.

She's got all her teeth...

- [scoffs]
- Even the back ones.

- Did that
turn your mood around?

- Nope.
But it's okay.

I figured out how
we're gonna get pregnant.

- By doubling down
on The Jake Way?

Ooh, do you think we could rent
the phone booth

from the movie "Phone Booth"?

- No, from now on,
we're gonna do it The Amy Way.

- Does that mean
we're going back to

the overly scheduled sex thing?
- No.

We're going way more scheduled.

- Ah, so even less fun.

- Big time.

This is a test,
and we're failing.

Because we're not
studying hard enough.

- Or maybe this is just

one of those tests
you can't study for?

- [laughs maniacally]

- Oh, wow, that's a new laugh.

- Come on.
We're going binder shopping.

- [sighs]

- I'm off
to walk my beat again,

much like Sisyphus,

condemned to
push the same boulder

up the same hill
day in and day out.

- You know, according to French
Philosopher Albert Camus,

Sisyphus achieved happiness
in that absurd repetition.

- Any French philosophy
post-Rousseau is essentially

a magazine.

You rube.

- Oh, hey, Boyle!

Do you have
the 6th Street case file--

Wait.
What's that?

- Uh, this?
It's... my water bottle.

- It looks like a water bottle
from a guinea pig cage.

- True, I got it for the guinea
pigs,

but they're not here anymore.

So I decided to be green
and use it for myself.

[water sloshing,
Boyle suckling]

Ah!
Thirst quenched.

- What took you so long?

- [sighs]
Terry almost caught me.

I had to drink from
the guinea pigs' water bottle.

Amazingly, he--

- Totally bought you'd do that?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I'm not surprised
at all.

Good news.

My niece will
take the two Claires.

She wants them as pets.

- That is great!
Okay.

Now we just need
to find a home for ten more.

- Ten?

- Boy Claire got girl Claire
pregnant

and made a bunch
of little baby Claires.

- Oh, they're
having sex again.

Mm-hmm.
Both: Oh, Claire.

- Claire.
- Claire.

- I gotta say,
I'm loving these.

I always wanted to wear
Hammer pants.

- Stop.
- Hammer time?

- No.
Stop joking around.

You're wearing those pants

to keep your testicles away
from your body's warm core

so your sperm don't overheat.

- Well, I am loving the breeze.
I feel like I'm 83.

- All right, focus up.

This is our pregnancy war room.

On the master calendar,

we will track
ovulation windows,

menstruation cycles,

and every uterine deposit.
- "Uterine deposit"?

Is that what we're calling sex?
It seems a little clinical.

- Well, you could always
shorten it to U.D.

or "ud."

- Yeah, I don't
want to do that.

- Here's a list of
everything you cannot eat

while we are trying
to conceive.

- No more nachos?

Even if they're in
a novelty baseball helmet?

- No.

- Whoa, this is serious.

- We will adhere to
a strict exercise regimen

and sleep schedule.

Also, no more video games,

because they cause stress
and they raise your heart rate.

- More stress
than being a police officer?

- Jake, I've seen you play
"Mario Party."

- Wario cheats!

I'm just saying, Wario cheats.

It's a stupid game.

- Look, I know it isn't easy,

but this could increase our
chances

of getting pregnant
by 19% a month.

- Yeah, of course.
Absolutely.

So how do we get it started:

Dim the lights,
put on some music?

- Swallow 35 vitamins each.

- Oh.
Cheers.

- Oh.

Let's make a baby!

[pills clattering]

I probably should have had some
water ready.

- Okay, basal
body temp is optimal.

Let's do this quickly.

- Oh, Amy, I'm not some faucet
you can just turn on and off.

You gotta romance me.

Faucet's on!
Let's ud!

- Thank You.
- Spasibo.

- Okay.
- Do svidaniya.

- Okay.

[dog barking]

[garbage bag thuds]
- Sorry!

- I thought you separated
the males and the females.

- Well, it's hard.
They're all named Claire.

- You named them Claire!

♪

- Oh, come on.

It's like every woman in this
city has all of her teeth.

Stupid Bloomberg
and his stupid soda ban!

- Okay, 6:14, it's ud o'clock!

- Okay.

- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm.

- So this bag of pellets
is your lunch?

- Yup, it's the perfect
food for a human man.

[loud crunch]

You want some?
- No!

♪

- Spasibo.

Do svidaniya.
- Do svidaniya.

♪

[garbage bag thuds]
- Sorry!

♪

- Where were you?
You're 19 minutes late.

My temperature is shot to hell!

- I know.
I'm Sorry.

I got detained
by the transit cops because

my baggy pants
fell off on the subway.

- Let's just ud
and get it over with.

- Oh, my God.

There's so many of them.

- Sit.

Yeah, good boy.

[garbage bag thuds]

- You awake?
- Nope.

You?
- No. Let's do this.

- Okay.

Shirts on?
- Definitely.

- Spasibo.
- Pozhaluysta.

Mnogo kliyentov segodnya?

- Make it a double.

My heart has a hole in it.

I might as well
fill it with booze.

- Same for me.

Except my hole's in my mouth.

- It's you!

My toothless Cinderella!

- Well, that was definitely
technically sex.

- Yep.

Maybe that was the one.

- Not the one.

- [sighs]

- I'm so exhausted.
- Me too.

But the doctor said
that it could take a while.

- I know.
It's just...

we're doing everything right,
and it's still not working.

What kind of perfect person do
you have to be to get pregnant?

- We're having a baby!

- Oh, rot in hell!

.

- Congratulations, Hitchcock,

it's the first wedding
I've ever been to

with a cover charge.
- It's for our honeymoon.

We're going to Barbados,

and we'll have the island
all to ourselves,

because it's Dengue Fever
season.

- But your wife is pregnant.

- You can't live in fear.

Don't want to spend every
moment worried about Dengue

or black mold
or those weird spots

on the MRI
they found on your brain.

- Hitchcock,
is your brain okay?

- The point is: I don't care.

Also, Anna's family
is from the Old Country

and kind of conservative,

so try not to mention
the baby to them.

- Perfect; I'll just do
what I always do at weddings:

not talk to anyone
I don't know already.

- You're the best, Jake.

That's why you're
the baby's godfather.

- Wait.
I am?

- Ugh.

I can't believe
they're pregnant and we're not.

How did they do it?

- They got drunk and had sex

in a public park
next to a skunk.

Hitchcock sent me
a very long text

with a lot of details in it.

I think
it was meant for Scully.

- Ugh, the world is officially
upside down.

- Wait a minute.
Maybe that's it.

We tried getting pregnant
The Jake Way;

we tried The Amy Way.

Maybe it's time we tried it...

The Hitchcock Way.

- What's The Hitchcock Way?

- In every situation,
make the worst possible choice.

- Okay.
What the hell?

Nothing else is working.

Let's try it The Hitchcock Way.

- All right, so first move:
Get hammered.

[grunts]
Drink up.

- Uh, these are someone else's.
There's lipstick on mine.

- Yeah,
there's a cigarette in mine.

But we're doing things The
Hitchcock Way, so bottoms up!

- All right.

- For those of you
that don't know me,

my name is Norm Scully.

Hitchcock is my partner,

and he's also my best friend.

He buys the bear claws I like
when we're on a stakeout

or when we're just
in the office or at home.

I love him.

Anna Rubov,

do you promise
to love and cherish

Michael Hitchcock as
much as I've loved him?

- I do.

- And, Michael Hitchcock,

do you agree to shower Anna

with the same love and kindness
you've shown me

these 30 wonderful years
together?

- I do.
- Dang.

Terry didn't know
this was gonna be so sweet.

- You may now kiss the bride.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, Rosa, good news.

I just talked to someone

who said he'd take
all the guinea pigs.

- All 600?
Why would he do that?

- I didn't ask.
I just said yes.

Our prayers have been answered!
- Who is this guy?

We gotta check him out,
make sure he's not weird.

- He's just a normal guy
who's a friend of Hitchcock's--

yep, we gotta check him out.

[background chatter, low music]

- Yeah, he's gonna
turn them into toupees.

- Oh, my god, he is.

- The Hitchcock Way is exactly

what we needed, you know?

These last six months have
actually been pretty hard.

- Mm, no!

Hitchcock doesn't
dwell on the past.

Hitchcock
forgets about the past

because
of the spots on his brain!

- Yes.

To brain spots!

[glasses clink]

Both: Oh!
Cinnamon schnapps!

- Barkeep, another round
of drink roulette.

- Lieutenant, I never see you
at Shaw's on a Sunday.

Those nights are reserved for
spending time with your family.

I guess you do make...

exceptions.

- What?

- The conversation
we had six months ago?

The one where you
said you wouldn't make

an exception for me.

- That was so long ago.

A lot has happened
since then.

- Well, to me it seems like
mere minutes ago,

because I've been living the
same day over and over again.

- Gentlemen, would either
of you mind giving some toasts?

People are starting to notice
we didn't serve any food.

- I have something
I'd like to say.

- Marriage is amazing.

To get to spend every day
with the same person,

day after day,
month after month on repeat.

The comfort of knowing that
tomorrow

will be just like
today is truly

a rewarding assignment.

To Hitchcock!

- Hear hear.
[glass clinks]

- I'd also like
to make a speech.

Most marriages end in divorce,
and there's a reason.

It's boring to be stuck
in the same routine forever.

There's no value to be found

in walking the same beat
over and over,

especially when you've been
a captain for six years.

The point is: marriage is

a waste of my talents,
Lieutenant.

To Hitchcock!
- These are great.

- Really?

- I also have a toast to make.

Hitchcock, I always thought
I was better than you,

because I haven't been divorced
seven times

and I've never been
banned from a museum

for kissing the statues.

But today I realize

that maybe my life would be
better if I was more like you.

Anyway, I gotta go
make a baby of my own

just like the baby
inside of Anna.

[scattered gasps]

[hands slap]
- Nailed it.

- Why is she
saying these things, Anna?

- Okay, bud.

Are you ready to have some
stupid Hitchcock-style sex?

- Oh, yeah,
where are we going?

- Nowhere.

We're going right here
in Shaw's bathroom.

- Oh, that's such a bad idea.

I love it.

All right.

- Occupied!

- Someone's in there.
Should we wait?

- Would Hitchcock wait?

- Hell no.
Hitchcock would find an alley!

- Well, this is perfect.

There's probably so many skunks
skunking around here.

- Oh, yeah.
We're gonna make a skunk baby.

- Yeah.

- Hello.
- Huh?

- Don't worry about me.
I don't want to join.

I'm happy just to watch.

- [shouting in Russian]

- Crap; they're really
pissed that Anna's pregnant.

- No, it's more
complicated than that.

Anna just called her
entire family hypocrites.

- Wait, you speak Russian?

- Huh.
I guess I do.

I must have picked it up
from speaking to that woman

at the coffee cart
for the past six months.

- [shouting in Russian]

- Now what's happening?

- Anna's mother says Anna

should be
with someone respectable,

like her sister's husband,
Boris, instead of the...

Pig man.
- Well, that's too bad,

'cause she already married
the pig man.

[both shouting in Russian]

What's she saying?

- She says that Boris
is not a good man.

He's cheating on her sister.

She knows because he's
the real father of her baby.

- Oh.
- What?

Oh, no!

[door clicks, Amy gasps]

- Someone's here.
This is too public!

- I mean, it wouldn't
stop Hitchcock, but fine.

I know a secret spot.

[loud crash, both gasp]

- What was that?

What am I feeling right now?
- Huh?

- Are those all your
little hands?

[rodent teeth gnawing]

[dramatic horror music,
guinea pigs squeaking]

[both scream]

[dramatic horror music,
guinea pigs squeaking]

[both scream]

.

- And this is the last one.

We've rounded up
all the guinea pigs.

- Not even close.

Guinea pig.
Guinea pig.

Guinea pig.
Guinea pig.

What were you thinking,
breeding guinea pigs at work?

- We weren't
breeding them on purpose.

They're just
very sexual creatures,

and we didn't want to
slut-shame them.

- Yeah.

Sorry you're not
more sex-positive, Terry.

- I called my friend
at the lab.

He's gonna take
the guinea pigs.

They're not gonna do
any chemical tests on them.

They're just gonna teach them
how to run mazes.

- Really?

I want you to look
Claire 38 in the eye,

and tell her that--

- I'm sending
you to a lab, Claire; bye.

- You can't do this!

- This is so unfair, Terry!
- You're a cruel man!

- Thank God
he found a way to end it.

- Oh, it's over.
The nightmare's over.

- There you are.

You didn't wake me up
when you left this morning.

- I tried.

You said, "I'm dead.

Leave me.
Find someone new."

- Yeah, pretty hungover.

Look, last night wasn't great,

but I think I know why.

We were trying
to do it like Hitchcock

when we should have been
trying to do it like Boris,

the man who actually
impregnated Hitchcock's wife.

So I found him
on Facebook and--

- Jake, stop.

Why is it so easy

for everyone else
to get pregnant?

I mean, look at
these stupid guinea pigs.

They made 600 babies,

and we can't make one?

Why can't we make 600 babies?

- You can't compare yourself
to guinea pigs, babe.

You taught me that.

- I'm exhausted.

And the universe
keeps telling us

that it doesn't want us
to have a baby.

The message
couldn't be clearer.

So I'm done.

- Like, done for this month?

- Done.
Just done.

- Thank you for seeing me.

I just wanted to let you know
I was wrong.

Until last night,
I didn't realize

how much Russian I'd learned.

- Yeah, it was impressive.

And your accent was great, too.
- Thank you,

but I actually speak
with the accent of a peasant.

Anyway, I walked my beat
this morning,

and I spoke to several people
in Russian.

They were so impressed,
they opened up to me.

I got a number of useful tips.
- All right.

All because I made you
do something tedious.

- Monotonous.
Don't ruin this.

- Thanks for coming out
to Hitchcock's divorce party.

- You know you got
another gay cake, right?

- What?
No way.

- It says "Boys! Boys! Boys!"
on it.

- Because we're the boys.

- Guys, I figured out what
went wrong between Anna and me.

My job.
I'm a workaholic!

Not anymore.

From now on, I'm focusing
on what really matters.

Come on, Scully,
let's get some wings.

- Aw, bud,
I thought you'd never ask.

- Hey, want some cake?

I got a piece with a heart
on it,

which I now realize is a butt.

- I'm good.
Thanks.

- So listen.

I've been thinking about
what you said this morning...

And it has been a really hard
couple of months.

- I'm sorry
I'm bad at making babies.

- Hey, hey, don't say that.

It's not your fault.

And look, for all we know,
I could have--

- Don't say you have bum nards.

- I wasn't--I wasn't gonna.

[scoffs]

I think maybe it's just
a thing we can't control.

- That is my least
favorite kind of thing.

- I know.

- I really wanted
to start a family.

- Amy, we are a family.

You and me.

So, you know,
we can keep trying

or look into IVF or adoption

or if we want, we can
forget about the whole thing.

But if we're together,
I'm happy no matter what.

- I don't know
what I want to do.

- Fine.
That's okay too.

We don't have to have a plan.

We make the rules.

Maybe it would help
to just not think

about the whole thing
for a while

and see where we're at.

- Yeah, okay.

I love you.

- I love you.

- Should we go?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Nope.

- [sighs]