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1
00:00:08,977 --> 00:00:11,146
[Fast-paced lively instrumental music]
2
00:00:34,071 --> 00:00:36,567
[Fast-paced lively
instrumental music continues]
3
00:01:05,998 --> 00:01:08,417
- What is it?
- Sorry to have to report...
4
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,586
there are four stowaways
in the forward hatch.
5
00:01:10,669 --> 00:01:12,963
Stowaways? How do you know
there are four of them?
6
00:01:13,047 --> 00:01:14,548
They were singing Sweet Adeline.
7
00:01:14,631 --> 00:01:16,084
Get them out of there, you hear?
8
00:01:16,168 --> 00:01:17,252
But we can't find them.
9
00:01:17,335 --> 00:01:20,255
And besides,
they've been writing insulting notes.
10
00:01:22,466 --> 00:01:25,467
So, I'm an old goat, am I? Listen to me.
11
00:01:25,550 --> 00:01:27,964
Find them if you have
to clear out that whole hatch!
12
00:01:28,048 --> 00:01:29,132
Yes, sir.
13
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,845
- Captain, when do we get in?
- Wednesday!
14
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,299
- I beg your pardon. Wednesday.
- Thank you.
15
00:01:36,382 --> 00:01:41,429
GROUCHO: [Singing] In all my dreams
STOWAWAYS: [Singing] In all my dreams
16
00:01:41,846 --> 00:01:46,802
GROUCHO: Your fair face beams
STOWAWAYS: Your fair face beams
17
00:01:47,219 --> 00:01:49,347
ALL: You're the idol
18
00:01:49,430 --> 00:01:53,434
of my heart
19
00:01:53,559 --> 00:01:58,223
Sweet Adeline
20
00:01:58,307 --> 00:02:03,270
My Adeline
21
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,896
This is the only way to travel, boys.
The only way.
22
00:02:10,979 --> 00:02:12,898
I was gonna bring the wife and kiddies...
23
00:02:12,981 --> 00:02:15,023
but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.
24
00:02:15,106 --> 00:02:18,355
I was gonna bring my grandfather,
but there's no room for his beard.
25
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:21,149
Why not send for the old swine,
let his beard come later?
26
00:02:21,232 --> 00:02:22,901
- I sent for his beard.
- You did?
27
00:02:22,984 --> 00:02:24,569
It's coming by "hair" mail.
28
00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:26,272
Fellas, I think I hear someone.
29
00:02:26,356 --> 00:02:29,067
If it's the captain,
I'm gonna have a few words with him.
30
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:33,035
My hot water's been cold for three days
and I haven't got room to swing a cat.
31
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,787
In fact, I haven't even got a cat.
32
00:02:34,870 --> 00:02:36,948
- My grandfather can swing a cat.
- He can?
33
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,992
That'd make a good job for him.
34
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,160
GIBSON: Come on, men.
35
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,662
Someone's coming.
36
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,453
Come on, men. Snap it up.
37
00:02:49,037 --> 00:02:50,580
Listen, fellas.
38
00:02:50,664 --> 00:02:52,415
We've got to find those stowaways.
39
00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:55,500
- And when we do, we'll put them in irons.
- Aye, aye, sir.
40
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:57,747
Take a look in behind those cases.
41
00:02:57,956 --> 00:03:00,583
You fellows, look behind those boxes.
42
00:03:05,294 --> 00:03:08,668
- Never mind the barrels.
- Aye, aye, sir.
43
00:03:08,793 --> 00:03:10,753
- What's that?
- I just said "aye, aye, sir."
44
00:03:10,836 --> 00:03:13,714
- Never mind that. Find those men.
- Aye, aye, sir.
45
00:03:16,961 --> 00:03:18,629
[Lids rattle]
46
00:03:30,258 --> 00:03:32,719
[Horn tooting]
47
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:41,554
- They're not here, sir.
- Oh, yes, they are.
48
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,473
Hoist all this stuff up on deck.
49
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,719
- And get these barrels out of the way.
- Very well, sir.
50
00:03:48,346 --> 00:03:49,931
Lower away up there.
51
00:03:51,975 --> 00:03:53,726
Hurry up with that sling.
52
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,848
- You'll never find them standing around.
- Yes, sir.
53
00:03:57,932 --> 00:03:59,392
You look in back of those bales.
54
00:03:59,475 --> 00:04:01,686
OFFICER: You look in those boxes.
SAILOR: Yes, sir.
55
00:04:01,894 --> 00:04:03,604
All right, boys.
56
00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,851
Make it snappy up there!
57
00:04:21,406 --> 00:04:22,490
GIBSON: Hey!
58
00:04:22,949 --> 00:04:24,242
There they are!
59
00:04:27,947 --> 00:04:28,990
CHICO: Hurry.
60
00:04:29,991 --> 00:04:32,952
[Footsteps pattering]
61
00:04:38,075 --> 00:04:39,118
[Horn tooting]
62
00:04:57,789 --> 00:05:00,208
[Crowd chattering]
63
00:05:08,293 --> 00:05:11,421
[Playing lively music]
64
00:05:23,968 --> 00:05:26,213
[Crowd applauds]
65
00:05:41,722 --> 00:05:43,140
You fellas, go aft.
66
00:05:43,223 --> 00:05:46,136
You fellas, take a look
in behind those lifeboats.
67
00:06:01,108 --> 00:06:02,401
[Woman exclaims in shock]
68
00:06:04,069 --> 00:06:06,315
[Crowd chattering indistinctly]
69
00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:14,281
WOMAN: Captain,
tell us about the stowaways.
70
00:06:14,364 --> 00:06:17,110
I'll have them in the brig before long.
71
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:21,281
That's terribly romantic.
I'd love to meet a stowaway.
72
00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:22,616
CAPTAIN: Hey, you.
73
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,992
Are these your gloves?
I found them in your trunk.
74
00:06:25,074 --> 00:06:27,614
- Go to your rooms. I'll be down shortly.
- Who are you?
75
00:06:27,697 --> 00:06:30,408
Are you the floorwalker?
I want to register a complaint.
76
00:06:30,492 --> 00:06:31,993
- What's the matter?
- Matter enough.
77
00:06:32,076 --> 00:06:34,329
You know who sneaked into my stateroom
at 3:00 a.m.?
78
00:06:34,412 --> 00:06:36,616
- Who did that?
- Nobody, and that's my complaint.
79
00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:39,243
I'm young.
I want gaiety, laughter, ha-cha-cha.
80
00:06:39,327 --> 00:06:40,411
I wanna dance.
81
00:06:40,495 --> 00:06:42,580
[Singing] I wanna dance
till the cows come home
82
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:43,956
Just what do you mean by this?
83
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,160
I don't like the way you're running this boat.
84
00:06:46,243 --> 00:06:48,537
Get in the backseat and let your wife drive.
85
00:06:48,621 --> 00:06:51,707
CAPTAIN: I've been captain
of this ship for 22 years.
86
00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:52,917
Twenty-two years?
87
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,459
If you were a man,
you'd go in business for yourself.
88
00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:57,956
I know a fellow,
started last year with a canoe.
89
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,251
He has more women than you can
shake a stick at, if you enjoy that.
90
00:07:01,335 --> 00:07:03,504
One more word, and I'll throw you in irons.
91
00:07:03,587 --> 00:07:05,712
You can't do it with irons.
It's a mashie shot.
92
00:07:05,795 --> 00:07:09,252
It's a mashie shot if the wind is against you.
If the wind isn't, I am.
93
00:07:09,336 --> 00:07:11,421
How about those barrels down below?
94
00:07:11,505 --> 00:07:14,424
GROUCHO: I wouldn't put a pig in there.
CAPTAIN: See here, you...
95
00:07:14,508 --> 00:07:16,252
Not even if you got down on your knees.
96
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,130
And here's your gloves.
You would take them, wouldn't you?
97
00:07:19,214 --> 00:07:20,840
And keep away from my office.
98
00:07:20,924 --> 00:07:22,717
CAPTAIN: Now, see here, you!
99
00:07:34,269 --> 00:07:37,182
How dare you invade
the sanctity of the captain's quarters?
100
00:07:37,265 --> 00:07:39,142
I thought you was the captain. I'm hungry.
101
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,602
I'm gonna find something to eat.
102
00:07:40,685 --> 00:07:42,771
I'll take care of that. Hello.
103
00:07:42,854 --> 00:07:45,021
- Send up the captain's lunch.
- Two.
104
00:07:45,188 --> 00:07:47,936
Send up his dinner, too. Who am I?
105
00:07:49,646 --> 00:07:52,232
I'm the captain.
You want to choose up sides?
106
00:07:55,024 --> 00:07:57,814
Engineer, will you tell them
to stop the boat from rocking?
107
00:07:57,897 --> 00:07:59,440
I'm gonna have lunch.
108
00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:05,402
- What's the matter with you?
- What's the matter with me? I'm hungry.
109
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,441
- I didn't eat in three days.
- Three days?
110
00:08:07,525 --> 00:08:10,694
- We've only been on the boat two days.
- I didn't eat yesterday...
111
00:08:10,778 --> 00:08:14,198
I didn't eat today, and I won't eat tomorrow.
That makes three days.
112
00:08:14,281 --> 00:08:17,277
State your business.
I've got to shiver my timbers.
113
00:08:17,736 --> 00:08:20,489
I got no business.
I come up to see the captain's bridge.
114
00:08:20,572 --> 00:08:23,492
Captain's bridge? I'm sorry.
He always keeps it in a glass...
115
00:08:23,575 --> 00:08:24,701
while he's eating.
116
00:08:24,785 --> 00:08:26,822
Would you like to see where he sleeps?
117
00:08:26,905 --> 00:08:28,615
I saw that. That's the bunk.
118
00:08:28,698 --> 00:08:31,243
You're wasting your breath,
and that's no great loss.
119
00:08:31,326 --> 00:08:32,411
A fine sailor you are.
120
00:08:32,494 --> 00:08:36,241
You bet I'm a fine sailor.
You know, my whole family was sailors?
121
00:08:36,324 --> 00:08:39,661
My father was partners with Columbus.
What do you think of that?
122
00:08:39,744 --> 00:08:42,080
- Your father and Columbus were partners?
- You bet.
123
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:43,706
Columbus has been dead 400 years.
124
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,415
They told me it was my father.
125
00:08:45,498 --> 00:08:49,914
Hop up there, and I'll show you
a few things you don't know about history.
126
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,250
Now look. There's Columbus.
127
00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:54,168
That's Columbus Circle.
128
00:08:54,836 --> 00:08:58,666
Would you mind getting up off that flypaper
and giving the flies a chance?
129
00:08:58,749 --> 00:09:02,128
You're crazy. Flies can't read papers.
130
00:09:02,461 --> 00:09:05,917
Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India
looking for a shortcut.
131
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:08,168
You mean strawberry shortcut.
132
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:09,795
I don't know.
133
00:09:10,129 --> 00:09:12,679
When I woke up,
there was the nurse taking care of me.
134
00:09:12,762 --> 00:09:15,555
What's the matter?
Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?
135
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,678
You bet she could,
but I found it out too late. Enough of this.
136
00:09:18,761 --> 00:09:19,929
Let's get back to Columbus.
137
00:09:20,012 --> 00:09:22,515
- I'd rather get back to the nurse.
- So would I.
138
00:09:22,598 --> 00:09:24,892
But Columbus was sailing along
on his vessel.
139
00:09:24,975 --> 00:09:27,555
- On his what?
- Not on his what. On his vessel.
140
00:09:27,638 --> 00:09:30,683
- Don't you know what "vessel" is?
- Sure. I can vessel.
141
00:09:30,808 --> 00:09:33,519
[Chico whistling lively tune]
142
00:09:34,645 --> 00:09:37,808
Do you suppose I could buy back
my introduction to you?
143
00:09:37,891 --> 00:09:40,519
Now, one night Columbus' sailors
started a mutiny.
144
00:09:40,602 --> 00:09:43,605
No mutinies at night.
They're in the afternoon.
145
00:09:43,689 --> 00:09:46,059
You know, mutinies Wednesdays
and Saturdays.
146
00:09:46,143 --> 00:09:48,729
There's my argument. Restrict immigration.
147
00:09:50,564 --> 00:09:52,983
[Gibson talking indistinctly]
148
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:20,614
All right.
149
00:10:23,659 --> 00:10:25,451
Of all the colossal impudence!
150
00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:28,115
Why don't you stand up?
Can't you see he has no chair?
151
00:10:28,198 --> 00:10:30,117
- Why, you...
- You better keep quiet.
152
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,703
We're a couple of big stockholders
in this company.
153
00:10:32,786 --> 00:10:34,038
Stockholders?
154
00:10:34,204 --> 00:10:36,700
You look like a couple of stowaways to me.
155
00:10:36,783 --> 00:10:41,747
Don't forget that the stockholder
of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.
156
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,790
Well, you look exactly like them.
157
00:10:43,874 --> 00:10:45,457
What do they look like?
158
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:48,413
One of them goes around
with a black moustache.
159
00:10:48,496 --> 00:10:52,131
So do I. If I had my choice,
I'd go around with a little blonde.
160
00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:55,632
I said one goes around
with a black moustache.
161
00:10:56,045 --> 00:10:58,714
You couldn't expect a moustache
to go around by itself.
162
00:10:58,797 --> 00:11:01,383
Don't you think a moustache
ever gets lonely, Captain?
163
00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:02,718
CHICO: Sure, it gets lonely.
164
00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:06,423
When my grandfather's beard gets here,
I'd like it to meet your moustache.
165
00:11:06,506 --> 00:11:09,176
I'll think it over.
I'll talk it over with my moustache.
166
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:11,178
Has your grandfather's beard
got any money?
167
00:11:11,261 --> 00:11:14,473
- Money? Why, it fell hair to a fortune.
- Now, listen!
168
00:11:14,556 --> 00:11:17,177
Stockholders or no stockholders,
you clear out of here!
169
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,303
[Knock on door]
170
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,804
CHICO: There's someone in that room.
171
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:23,892
GROUCHO: There's somebody in that closet,
and I think it's you, Captain.
172
00:11:25,928 --> 00:11:28,931
- Now, we can eat in peace.
- All right. Here's a piece for you.
173
00:11:29,015 --> 00:11:30,099
That a baby.
174
00:11:30,183 --> 00:11:31,225
[Knock on door]
175
00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:35,973
- Beg pardon, Captain.
- How dare you enter the captain's quarters...
176
00:11:36,057 --> 00:11:38,059
- while I'm eating.
- Sorry, sir.
177
00:11:38,809 --> 00:11:40,353
[Knocking on door]
178
00:11:40,436 --> 00:11:42,021
[Groucho guffaws]
179
00:11:44,231 --> 00:11:45,852
Now I've got you!
180
00:11:49,563 --> 00:11:50,606
Don't forget the butter.
181
00:12:26,072 --> 00:12:28,449
[Slow, romantic instrumental music]
182
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,918
You know, there's some
mighty pretty country around here.
183
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,170
- I've...
- I beg your pardon.
184
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:46,376
[Zeppo whistling softly]
185
00:12:47,168 --> 00:12:50,129
- Pardon me. Is this yours?
- Why, no.
186
00:12:54,259 --> 00:12:56,254
- You sure?
- I'm positive.
187
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,635
- Is this yours?
- Yes, it is.
188
00:13:10,469 --> 00:13:13,764
As I was saying, there's some
mighty beautiful country around here.
189
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:17,469
- The trees are lovely.
- You bet they are. I love them.
190
00:13:21,056 --> 00:13:24,476
[Puppets chattering]
191
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:32,978
[Children cheering]
192
00:13:38,101 --> 00:13:39,561
Get out of my way!
193
00:13:57,773 --> 00:14:00,609
[Children continue laughing and cheering]
194
00:14:10,362 --> 00:14:13,872
[Harpo humming in distorted voice]
195
00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:20,955
[Harpo screams]
196
00:14:46,835 --> 00:14:49,671
Gibson. Come out of there.
197
00:14:50,463 --> 00:14:51,506
Yes, sir.
198
00:14:54,634 --> 00:14:56,129
I want to report I found a...
199
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:57,881
Gibson, you've been drinking again...
200
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,424
and you know what my orders were.
201
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:02,260
But those stowaways,
I just caught one of them in there.
202
00:15:02,343 --> 00:15:04,846
- Stowaway, huh?
- Yes. There he is.
203
00:15:04,928 --> 00:15:07,633
PUPPETEER: [ln falsetto] Help! Look out!
You're choking me!
204
00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,137
I thought so. Go to your quarters.
205
00:15:13,306 --> 00:15:14,557
[Children laughing]
206
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,093
That's one now.
207
00:15:17,636 --> 00:15:20,431
That's a dummy. Come with me.
208
00:15:21,515 --> 00:15:23,934
[Children laughing]
209
00:15:25,142 --> 00:15:26,388
First officer.
210
00:15:26,847 --> 00:15:28,640
I'm telling you, that's him.
211
00:15:28,724 --> 00:15:31,643
This has gone far enough.
Get up to your quarters.
212
00:15:33,687 --> 00:15:34,771
[Captain screams]
213
00:15:34,855 --> 00:15:35,932
Yes, sir.
214
00:15:36,099 --> 00:15:37,893
[Children laughing]
215
00:15:38,059 --> 00:15:39,102
Quiet.
216
00:15:42,481 --> 00:15:44,900
I think you're right.
217
00:15:45,522 --> 00:15:46,853
I know you're right.
218
00:15:47,312 --> 00:15:50,231
[Puppeteer shouting indistinctly]
219
00:15:51,989 --> 00:15:55,199
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
220
00:16:12,329 --> 00:16:14,498
[Horn tooting]
221
00:16:15,288 --> 00:16:17,327
[Children cheering]
222
00:16:27,371 --> 00:16:29,749
Would you like anything before lunch?
223
00:16:29,832 --> 00:16:31,125
Yes, breakfast.
224
00:16:33,336 --> 00:16:35,461
Nobody eats in here.
225
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:36,707
I do.
226
00:16:40,419 --> 00:16:42,546
Mustard's no good without roast beef.
227
00:16:42,630 --> 00:16:44,590
Do you want your nails trimmed long?
228
00:16:44,673 --> 00:16:47,503
About an hour and a half.
I got nothing to do.
229
00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:50,339
You're a nice-looking gal, all right.
230
00:16:50,631 --> 00:16:51,757
You got it.
231
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:52,966
Thank you.
232
00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:54,593
And you can keep it.
233
00:17:07,175 --> 00:17:08,218
[Girl screams]
234
00:17:09,302 --> 00:17:11,012
That's a nice gal?
235
00:17:12,722 --> 00:17:13,932
Somebody's coming.
236
00:17:14,015 --> 00:17:15,139
Come on, boys.
237
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:23,184
You're next, Cap.
238
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,267
I'm looking for a couple of mugs.
239
00:17:25,351 --> 00:17:29,058
- No, you boys look on B Deck.
- Aye, aye, sir.
240
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:30,899
How about a shave?
241
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:34,111
- Sure. Give me a once-over.
- Once-over, partner.
242
00:17:35,484 --> 00:17:37,899
OFFICER: No, a shave.
CHICO: On the face. All right.
243
00:17:37,982 --> 00:17:41,736
- Wake me up when you get through.
- We'll take care of you, all right.
244
00:17:45,652 --> 00:17:49,153
We take the tonsils last.
I think we work on the moustache first.
245
00:17:50,363 --> 00:17:52,073
Give him a little snoop.
246
00:17:57,029 --> 00:18:00,282
CHICO: This side's too long.
Give him a little snoop this side.
247
00:18:03,536 --> 00:18:05,369
CHICO: Now this side is too short.
248
00:18:06,949 --> 00:18:10,244
CHICO: It's too short. The other side is
too long. Snoop him up.
249
00:18:11,286 --> 00:18:14,415
That's better, but the side
that was too short now is too long...
250
00:18:14,498 --> 00:18:16,535
and the side that was too long is too short.
251
00:18:16,618 --> 00:18:19,246
I think you got to give him one more snoop.
252
00:18:21,123 --> 00:18:22,874
I think we better measure.
253
00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:30,250
It's about a foot too much.
254
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,003
No, the measure's a foot too much.
255
00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:38,418
Now it looks much better.
256
00:18:38,793 --> 00:18:41,462
CHICO: It can stand one more snoop
in the middle, I think.
257
00:18:41,546 --> 00:18:43,297
In the middle, one snoop.
258
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:49,255
That's fine. That's very good.
259
00:18:49,338 --> 00:18:53,592
I think it's a little bit rough right here.
I fix that.
260
00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:58,048
You know, I'm never going
on this boat again. The food is no good.
261
00:18:58,132 --> 00:19:02,302
Of course, I no eat yet, but even
if I don't eat, I like the food good.
262
00:19:03,303 --> 00:19:04,638
One more snoop.
263
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,767
That's beautiful?
That's what you call a work of art.
264
00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:19,645
Hey, you know, I think you give him
one snoop too much.
265
00:19:24,108 --> 00:19:26,937
And I want you to know,
I'm fed up on your alibis.
266
00:19:27,021 --> 00:19:28,480
Take it easy.
267
00:19:29,064 --> 00:19:31,066
You're getting all excited.
268
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:33,193
Now where do you think you're going?
269
00:19:34,069 --> 00:19:36,398
Never mind. I'm running this racket.
270
00:19:36,481 --> 00:19:40,027
Just stay here and keep out of sight
like I told you.
271
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:45,322
No you don't.
Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs.
272
00:19:45,446 --> 00:19:47,527
You can't keep me cooped up like this.
273
00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:50,405
I've played second fiddle
on this ship long enough.
274
00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:54,576
Now you listen. I'm not after any dames.
275
00:19:54,908 --> 00:19:59,824
I'm after Joe Helton, I tell you, and
he can't get away from me on this boat.
276
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:03,745
He's got to put his okay on my gang,
or he's gonna get this.
277
00:20:21,248 --> 00:20:23,417
Hey, who are you?
278
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,585
I'm the tailor.
279
00:20:25,705 --> 00:20:28,665
That reminds me. Where are my pants?
280
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:29,916
You've got them on.
281
00:20:33,045 --> 00:20:35,460
Pardon me while I step into the closet.
282
00:20:36,291 --> 00:20:39,961
And get a load of this,
if you come in again at 3:00 a. m...
283
00:20:40,045 --> 00:20:43,548
- Stop bothering me. Tell it to the tailor.
- Alky!
284
00:20:44,758 --> 00:20:45,960
Alky!
285
00:20:55,098 --> 00:20:57,971
LUCILLE: What are you doing in there?
286
00:20:58,055 --> 00:20:59,890
Nothing. Come on in.
287
00:21:01,892 --> 00:21:05,226
LUCILLE: You can't stay in that closet.
GROUCHO: I can't, can I?
288
00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:08,058
That's what they said
to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor...
289
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:11,686
Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier,
and Thomas Shefsky, mighty like a rose.
290
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:15,809
Just remember that if there weren't
any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks...
291
00:21:15,892 --> 00:21:20,313
and if there weren't any hooks, there'd be
no fish, and that would suit me fine.
292
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:25,853
LUCILLE: Don't try to hide.
I know you're in that closet.
293
00:21:26,103 --> 00:21:28,856
- Did you see me go in the closet?
- No.
294
00:21:29,065 --> 00:21:31,859
- Am I in the closet now?
- No.
295
00:21:31,943 --> 00:21:36,106
Then how do you know I was in the closet?
Your Honour, I rest my case.
296
00:21:39,026 --> 00:21:40,319
Come here, brown eyes.
297
00:21:40,402 --> 00:21:42,821
You're not gonna get me off this bed.
298
00:21:43,239 --> 00:21:46,568
I didn't know you were a lawyer.
You're awfully shy for a lawyer.
299
00:21:46,652 --> 00:21:49,029
You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.
300
00:21:49,196 --> 00:21:51,698
Then what do you think of an egg
that would give me...
301
00:21:51,782 --> 00:21:53,825
You've been getting nothing
but dirty breaks.
302
00:21:53,909 --> 00:21:55,656
We can clean and tighten your brakes...
303
00:21:55,738 --> 00:21:58,573
but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
304
00:21:58,949 --> 00:22:01,952
I want excitement. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
305
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:04,912
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
306
00:22:08,534 --> 00:22:09,786
You don't realise it.
307
00:22:09,869 --> 00:22:13,248
From the time he got the marriage license,
I've led a dog's life.
308
00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:15,288
Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?
309
00:22:15,372 --> 00:22:17,036
Alky can't make a fool of me.
310
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:19,413
I want to go places. I want to do things.
311
00:22:19,497 --> 00:22:22,250
I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice!
312
00:22:22,333 --> 00:22:23,501
[Groucho humming]
313
00:22:23,584 --> 00:22:26,288
Madam, you're making history.
In fact, you're making me.
314
00:22:26,372 --> 00:22:28,374
And I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
315
00:22:28,457 --> 00:22:31,883
You know what I want.
I want life, I want laughter, I want gaiety.
316
00:22:31,967 --> 00:22:33,718
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
317
00:22:34,678 --> 00:22:36,464
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
318
00:22:39,050 --> 00:22:42,971
Madam, before I get through with you,
you will have a clear case for divorce...
319
00:22:43,054 --> 00:22:44,138
and so will my wife.
320
00:22:44,222 --> 00:22:46,884
The first thing to do is
to arrange for a settlement.
321
00:22:46,968 --> 00:22:49,428
You take the children,
your husband takes the house.
322
00:22:49,512 --> 00:22:52,848
Junior burns the house,
you take the insurance and I take you.
323
00:22:52,932 --> 00:22:54,392
LUCILLE: But I haven't any children.
324
00:22:54,475 --> 00:22:58,055
That's the trouble with this country.
You haven't any children.
325
00:22:58,556 --> 00:23:02,810
And as for me, I'm going back in the closet
where men are empty overcoats.
326
00:23:03,352 --> 00:23:04,687
LUCILLE: Brown eyes.
327
00:23:11,770 --> 00:23:13,230
[Groucho exclaims]
328
00:23:13,772 --> 00:23:15,976
[Upbeat instrumental music]
329
00:23:58,073 --> 00:24:01,618
Sir, this is an outrage,
breaking into a man's home.
330
00:24:01,702 --> 00:24:05,824
There'll be a letter about this in
the Times tomorrow morning.
331
00:24:05,991 --> 00:24:07,033
Yeah?
332
00:24:07,367 --> 00:24:12,545
But you won't read it,
'cause I'm gonna lay you out pretty.
333
00:24:12,670 --> 00:24:14,422
You're gonna lay me out pretty?
334
00:24:14,505 --> 00:24:17,084
That's the thanks I get
for freeing an innocent girl...
335
00:24:17,168 --> 00:24:19,211
who, although she is hiding
at the moment...
336
00:24:19,295 --> 00:24:21,630
has promised to become
the mother of her children.
337
00:24:21,714 --> 00:24:25,214
And with that, sir, I bid you a fond farewell.
Good day, sir.
338
00:24:26,670 --> 00:24:27,921
Good day.
339
00:24:31,341 --> 00:24:33,260
Come out of there. I want to talk to you.
340
00:24:33,343 --> 00:24:35,964
I'm sorry, but we're using
the old-fashioned iceman...
341
00:24:36,047 --> 00:24:39,050
and we find him very satisfactory
for keeping the house warm.
342
00:24:43,638 --> 00:24:47,177
Just as I thought, you're yellow,
grabbing at a woman's skirts.
343
00:24:47,260 --> 00:24:50,013
- I'm wise.
- You're wise?
344
00:24:50,096 --> 00:24:51,431
What's the capital of Nebraska?
345
00:24:51,514 --> 00:24:54,142
What's the capital
of the Chase National Bank? Give up?
346
00:24:54,225 --> 00:24:57,513
Now, I'll try you on an easy one.
How many Frenchmen can't be wrong?
347
00:24:57,597 --> 00:24:59,974
- I know...
- You were warm and so was she.
348
00:25:00,057 --> 00:25:03,144
Don't be discouraged.
With a little study you'll go a long way.
349
00:25:03,227 --> 00:25:06,265
- And I'd wish you'd start now.
- Do you see this gat?
350
00:25:06,474 --> 00:25:10,019
Cute, isn't it? Santa Claus bring it
for Christmas? I got a fire engine.
351
00:25:10,102 --> 00:25:12,730
Listen, mug. Do you know who I am?
352
00:25:12,813 --> 00:25:16,602
Don't tell me.
Are you animal or vegetable? Animal.
353
00:25:17,352 --> 00:25:22,065
- Get this. I'm Alky Briggs.
- And I'm the fellow who talks so much.
354
00:25:22,149 --> 00:25:24,901
Fancy meeting you here
after all these drinks.
355
00:25:29,483 --> 00:25:31,359
- Wait a minute.
- Sorry, I can't stay.
356
00:25:31,443 --> 00:25:32,986
The captain's waiting to chase me.
357
00:25:33,069 --> 00:25:36,483
You can stay, all right,
until I finish with you.
358
00:25:36,608 --> 00:25:38,318
Alky, darling, please!
359
00:25:38,401 --> 00:25:41,696
Don't "darling" me.
Get in that next room and stay there!
360
00:25:42,697 --> 00:25:44,783
Get in that next room.
361
00:25:47,361 --> 00:25:49,947
I'm not good enough for her, am I?
362
00:25:51,580 --> 00:25:54,916
Is there anything you've got to say
before I drill you?
363
00:25:55,537 --> 00:25:58,497
- Yes, I'd like to ask you one question.
- Go ahead.
364
00:25:58,580 --> 00:26:02,209
Do you think that girls think less of a boy
if he lets himself be kissed?
365
00:26:02,292 --> 00:26:05,333
Don't you think that although
girls go out with boys like me...
366
00:26:05,416 --> 00:26:07,415
they always marry the other kind?
367
00:26:08,208 --> 00:26:11,628
If you're gonna kill me, hurry up.
I have to take my tonic at 2:00.
368
00:26:11,711 --> 00:26:14,589
I can use a guy with your nerve.
369
00:26:15,709 --> 00:26:18,169
I think we could get along well together.
370
00:26:18,252 --> 00:26:21,214
Of course, the first year we might have
our little squabbles.
371
00:26:21,297 --> 00:26:24,008
But, then, that's inevitable, don't you think?
372
00:26:28,714 --> 00:26:30,508
And what do you want here?
373
00:26:30,674 --> 00:26:34,053
I was just looking for him.
374
00:26:34,553 --> 00:26:36,006
Do you know this guy?
375
00:26:36,090 --> 00:26:39,510
I've known him for years.
He used to live in the next barrel to me.
376
00:26:39,593 --> 00:26:42,888
I see. The stowaways.
377
00:26:43,889 --> 00:26:46,009
I can help you bozos.
378
00:26:46,093 --> 00:26:50,514
- Mr. Bozos to you.
- All right, Mr. Bozo. And you can help me.
379
00:26:51,431 --> 00:26:54,810
I'm shorthanded,
and I want to get a guy on this boat.
380
00:26:54,892 --> 00:26:58,515
It's too late to get him on now.
Should've said so before we sailed.
381
00:26:58,765 --> 00:27:03,228
Listen. This is a map of B Deck.
There's Joe Helton's stateroom.
382
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:08,434
And he's a tough egg.
And you're coming with me...
383
00:27:09,018 --> 00:27:11,437
while I have it out with Joe.
384
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:14,107
Do you know who Joe Helton is?
385
00:27:14,190 --> 00:27:16,644
I think I'll get off this boat
until this blows over.
386
00:27:16,727 --> 00:27:19,855
If you know what's good for you,
you'll stick with me.
387
00:27:22,274 --> 00:27:25,896
You keep the windows covered
while I go in. Now, move!
388
00:27:36,572 --> 00:27:38,700
[Children chattering]
389
00:27:54,417 --> 00:27:56,412
[Horn tooting]
390
00:27:56,537 --> 00:27:58,872
[Harpo whistling]
391
00:28:05,707 --> 00:28:07,833
[Frog croaking]
392
00:28:23,883 --> 00:28:25,754
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
393
00:29:20,279 --> 00:29:21,905
What is the idea of this?
394
00:29:21,989 --> 00:29:24,366
It's all right. I make a move for you.
395
00:29:24,491 --> 00:29:26,737
MAN 1: This is an outrage!
MAN 2: I'll call the captain!
396
00:29:27,446 --> 00:29:29,615
- The captain don't play chess.
- Purser!
397
00:29:29,698 --> 00:29:32,951
- Steward! Come here.
- Too much noise here for us.
398
00:29:33,035 --> 00:29:35,574
We better go someplace where it's quiet.
399
00:29:37,157 --> 00:29:38,199
[Knock on door]
400
00:29:38,658 --> 00:29:39,701
Come in.
401
00:29:44,955 --> 00:29:46,909
BELLBOY: Your cigars, sir.
JOE: Thanks.
402
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:51,581
Wait a minute.
403
00:29:56,203 --> 00:29:57,496
Thank you, sir.
404
00:30:21,340 --> 00:30:25,298
Dad, now look at you.
You aren't even dressed yet.
405
00:30:25,879 --> 00:30:28,840
You can do all the dressing
for the family, Mary.
406
00:30:28,965 --> 00:30:32,594
Old Joe Helton is taking things easy
for the rest of his life.
407
00:30:33,553 --> 00:30:35,425
We're big shots now, baby.
408
00:30:40,011 --> 00:30:41,095
[Knock on door]
409
00:30:41,179 --> 00:30:42,222
Come in.
410
00:30:45,428 --> 00:30:49,430
- Hello, Joe.
- Hello, Briggs. What do you want?
411
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:52,272
I just wanted to have a friendly talk.
412
00:30:52,814 --> 00:30:55,395
I'm sort of worried about business.
413
00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:56,853
Step in the other room, baby.
414
00:30:56,937 --> 00:30:58,897
- But, Dad...
- Run along, honey.
415
00:31:02,192 --> 00:31:03,235
Your kid?
416
00:31:06,272 --> 00:31:07,899
She's cute, isn't she?
417
00:31:08,983 --> 00:31:12,153
I don't think we've got anything
to talk about. Get out.
418
00:31:12,612 --> 00:31:15,153
Not before I get your okay on my gang.
419
00:31:15,236 --> 00:31:18,653
- I'm not doing you any favours.
- Yes, you are.
420
00:31:20,279 --> 00:31:21,989
You're gonna sign this.
421
00:31:24,908 --> 00:31:26,445
[Dog barking]
422
00:31:31,158 --> 00:31:35,781
I'm taking over your territory,
or there's gonna be trouble.
423
00:31:35,864 --> 00:31:37,866
I'm taking no sides.
424
00:31:37,991 --> 00:31:41,036
You'll have to fight it out
with Butch and the gang.
425
00:31:41,119 --> 00:31:43,872
I'm stepping into your shoes as boss.
426
00:31:43,956 --> 00:31:46,952
I'm not backing up any small-time chiseller.
427
00:31:47,035 --> 00:31:49,371
ALKY: Don't put on the Ritz with me.
428
00:31:49,454 --> 00:31:51,373
JOE: Don't get cocky with me, Briggs.
429
00:31:51,456 --> 00:31:52,707
ALKY: I'm talking turkey.
430
00:31:52,791 --> 00:31:56,037
You can't make all the dough
and then run out on your pals.
431
00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:58,831
I'm not taking orders from a mug like you!
432
00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,668
Scram!
433
00:32:01,751 --> 00:32:04,045
So that's your answer? Here's mine!
434
00:32:04,128 --> 00:32:05,167
[Horn tooting]
435
00:32:13,047 --> 00:32:16,544
So you got your gang with you?
I'll get you later.
436
00:32:19,964 --> 00:32:21,382
Who are you guys?
437
00:32:23,092 --> 00:32:24,843
What are you doing in my room?
438
00:32:24,926 --> 00:32:28,090
That's my partner, but he no speak.
He's dumb and deaf.
439
00:32:30,384 --> 00:32:31,432
[Horn tooting]
440
00:32:31,766 --> 00:32:32,809
[Joe chuckles]
441
00:32:33,226 --> 00:32:37,348
You guys don't know it, but you just scared
a pretty tough egg out of this room.
442
00:32:37,431 --> 00:32:39,141
Sure, we're a couple of tough guys.
443
00:32:39,267 --> 00:32:41,602
- Do you want to make some money?
- Money?
444
00:32:41,686 --> 00:32:43,020
[Chico guffaws]
445
00:32:43,104 --> 00:32:46,767
Money? Feel this muscle. Feel his muscle.
446
00:32:49,603 --> 00:32:51,522
All right. How much you pay?
447
00:32:52,231 --> 00:32:53,816
Just how tough are you?
448
00:32:53,899 --> 00:32:55,853
You pay little bit, we're little bit tough.
449
00:32:55,936 --> 00:32:57,479
You pay very much, very much tough.
450
00:32:57,563 --> 00:32:59,314
You pay too much, we're too much tough.
451
00:32:59,398 --> 00:33:01,066
- How much you pay?
- I pay plenty.
452
00:33:01,150 --> 00:33:04,236
Then we're plenty tough.
And we show you, too.
453
00:33:04,611 --> 00:33:07,190
Partner, show him how tough we are.
454
00:33:10,777 --> 00:33:15,278
See? That's nothing. That's free.
Now we give you the real stuff this time.
455
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:17,694
CHICO: Come on. Put some pep in it.
456
00:33:17,777 --> 00:33:20,488
The one-two uppercut.
You know, on the button.
457
00:33:21,406 --> 00:33:24,991
No downstairs button. Upstairs button.
458
00:33:33,411 --> 00:33:35,615
That's fine. That's good, all right.
459
00:33:35,699 --> 00:33:39,034
I tell him you're tough, and you punch
like a lily. What's a matter?
460
00:33:39,118 --> 00:33:42,329
You wanna lose this job?
Give him the stuff this time.
461
00:33:42,580 --> 00:33:44,997
Excuse me, boss. He can do much better...
462
00:33:45,079 --> 00:33:46,160
but he no work good today.
463
00:33:46,243 --> 00:33:48,579
He no get paid.
When he get paid, you watch him.
464
00:33:48,662 --> 00:33:51,582
Come on. This time we give him the works.
Come on. Hurry up.
465
00:33:51,665 --> 00:33:54,751
On the button this time.
Come on, I tell you. On the button.
466
00:33:54,834 --> 00:33:57,164
CHICO: Hurry up. Give me the punch.
Come on.
467
00:33:57,247 --> 00:33:58,290
CHICO: All right.
468
00:33:58,373 --> 00:34:00,292
Come on! Punch!
469
00:34:05,333 --> 00:34:08,460
[Frog croaking]
470
00:34:13,053 --> 00:34:14,846
That's enough. Wait.
471
00:34:15,633 --> 00:34:18,010
- What do you think of us?
- You're great.
472
00:34:18,469 --> 00:34:20,637
Not so loud.
You want him to get a swell head?
473
00:34:20,721 --> 00:34:23,515
You guys are plenty tough, all right.
474
00:34:24,973 --> 00:34:26,636
I'm spying on you.
475
00:34:28,138 --> 00:34:30,807
You're just the fellows I need. You're hired.
476
00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,266
CHICO: We're great, huh?
JOE: You're great.
477
00:34:35,348 --> 00:34:36,931
CHICO: My partner?
JOE: He's great.
478
00:34:37,015 --> 00:34:39,142
My grandfather's great.
He's a great-grandfather.
479
00:34:41,811 --> 00:34:44,022
When Helton comes out
of his room, plug him.
480
00:34:44,105 --> 00:34:47,185
- What'll we plug him with?
- Didn't I give you two gats?
481
00:34:47,268 --> 00:34:50,480
We had to drown the gat,
but we saved you a little black gitten.
482
00:34:50,563 --> 00:34:53,107
Here, take these, and hang onto them now.
483
00:34:55,396 --> 00:34:56,771
Don't leave me for a minute.
484
00:34:56,854 --> 00:35:00,066
And keep your eye on that guy
that just went out of here.
485
00:35:00,149 --> 00:35:01,192
You understand.
486
00:35:01,275 --> 00:35:04,361
Anybody come near the boss,
let him have it.
487
00:35:04,861 --> 00:35:06,482
You're all right now, boss.
488
00:35:06,565 --> 00:35:09,777
Anybody comes near you...
What's a matter with you? Look out.
489
00:35:09,860 --> 00:35:12,196
That's all right. He was just practicing.
490
00:35:12,279 --> 00:35:13,363
Get out.
491
00:35:13,447 --> 00:35:17,235
Now I can take a walk out on deck
and feel safe. Come on. Let's go.
492
00:35:26,529 --> 00:35:28,448
There he comes now. Get him.
493
00:35:28,531 --> 00:35:32,077
Don't worry. We'll get him.
I've got my finger on the trigger.
494
00:35:44,165 --> 00:35:45,910
Hey, don't forget.
495
00:35:45,993 --> 00:35:48,746
Anybody comes near the boss,
let him have it.
496
00:36:22,682 --> 00:36:24,225
[Chico laughs]
497
00:36:24,308 --> 00:36:26,637
It's the boss. He's got a disguise.
498
00:36:27,012 --> 00:36:29,223
Take off the whiskers. We know you.
499
00:36:30,224 --> 00:36:31,725
[Screams] What do you mean?
500
00:36:31,809 --> 00:36:34,395
Officer!
501
00:36:42,354 --> 00:36:45,020
Why didn't you get him?
Not afraid, are you?
502
00:36:45,103 --> 00:36:47,185
Afraid? Me?
A man who's licked his weight...
503
00:36:47,268 --> 00:36:50,105
in wild caterpillars? Afraid?
You bet I'm afraid.
504
00:36:51,064 --> 00:36:54,317
- So...
- Hello. How are things in the closet?
505
00:36:54,816 --> 00:36:56,521
You know, I still smell of mothballs.
506
00:36:56,604 --> 00:36:58,773
I don't want to talk to you.
507
00:36:59,524 --> 00:37:02,026
[Groucho humming dramatic dance music]
508
00:37:11,696 --> 00:37:14,407
So here you are,
loafing around with these tramps.
509
00:37:14,490 --> 00:37:16,110
I came down to see Joe Helton.
510
00:37:16,193 --> 00:37:17,903
- Don't you think we'd better go?
- What?
511
00:37:17,987 --> 00:37:19,989
And leave this woman alone
with her husband?
512
00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:21,573
Suppose her sweetheart came in.
513
00:37:21,657 --> 00:37:25,031
Alky Briggs, don't think you can keep me
cooped up in that stateroom.
514
00:37:25,115 --> 00:37:26,238
Because you're crazy!
515
00:37:26,321 --> 00:37:29,032
You'll stay down there
and keep out of my business.
516
00:37:29,116 --> 00:37:30,158
Do you understand?
517
00:37:30,242 --> 00:37:32,125
- Keep out of my business.
- Your turn.
518
00:37:32,208 --> 00:37:35,622
You were going to show me a good time.
A good time!
519
00:37:35,705 --> 00:37:38,249
I might as well have stayed home
and played solitaire!
520
00:37:38,332 --> 00:37:39,417
Your turn.
521
00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:42,545
Pipe down. I've more important things
than you to worry about.
522
00:37:42,628 --> 00:37:43,671
Your turn.
523
00:37:43,754 --> 00:37:46,166
You say that again and I'll scratch
your eyes out!
524
00:37:46,250 --> 00:37:49,086
You take this gun.
You're gonna need it more than I will.
525
00:37:49,169 --> 00:37:50,504
Oh, you!
526
00:38:02,342 --> 00:38:03,385
[Woman screams]
527
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,970
Just the man I wanna see.
If I show you how to save 20%...
528
00:38:12,053 --> 00:38:14,180
would you be interested?
Of course you would.
529
00:38:14,264 --> 00:38:17,093
First, your overhead is too high
and your brow is too low.
530
00:38:17,176 --> 00:38:19,887
Interested already, aren't you?
Wait till I get through.
531
00:38:19,971 --> 00:38:22,890
- I haven't got time.
- Two fellows are trying to attack you...
532
00:38:22,974 --> 00:38:26,095
and two fellows are trying to defend you.
Now, that's 50% waste.
533
00:38:26,178 --> 00:38:28,306
Why can't you be attacked
by your bodyguards?
534
00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:32,018
Your life will be saved, and that's
100% waste. Now what have you got?
535
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,686
Me, and I'll attack you for nothing.
536
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:36,015
- What are you getting at?
- I anticipated that.
537
00:38:36,098 --> 00:38:39,143
How does an army travel? On its stomach.
And you? On a ship.
538
00:38:39,226 --> 00:38:40,978
Of course, you're saving your stomach.
539
00:38:41,061 --> 00:38:43,522
- The same common sense...
- I don't think you realise...
540
00:38:43,606 --> 00:38:46,268
I realise it's a penny here and there,
but look at me.
541
00:38:46,351 --> 00:38:49,855
I've worked myself up from nothing
to extreme poverty. What do you say?
542
00:38:49,938 --> 00:38:52,566
- I'll tell you what I say...
- Then it's all settled.
543
00:38:52,649 --> 00:38:55,148
I'm to be your new bodyguard.
In case I attack you...
544
00:38:55,230 --> 00:38:56,771
I'll be there to defend you, too.
545
00:38:56,855 --> 00:39:00,066
When you want to be attacked,
I'll defend you 10 minutes later.
546
00:39:00,150 --> 00:39:04,195
I've already got two bodyguards,
but I'll think it over.
547
00:39:04,446 --> 00:39:05,982
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
548
00:39:20,245 --> 00:39:22,080
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
549
00:39:22,539 --> 00:39:25,827
- What's the matter with you?
- I've got a frog in my throat.
550
00:39:25,911 --> 00:39:28,330
- What?
- A frog in my throat.
551
00:39:28,622 --> 00:39:31,458
- You've got a frog in your throat.
- Yes.
552
00:39:33,668 --> 00:39:36,789
You can't do that to my customers!
Cut it out!
553
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:40,501
Say, what's the matter with you?
Are you crazy or something?
554
00:39:41,753 --> 00:39:43,755
[Frog croaking]
555
00:39:46,751 --> 00:39:48,836
[Harpo whistling for frog]
556
00:40:01,008 --> 00:40:03,510
[Ship's horn blowing]
557
00:40:06,215 --> 00:40:09,551
Have your landing cards
and passports ready, please.
558
00:40:13,180 --> 00:40:16,134
- How do you do, Madame Swempski?
- Hello, boys.
559
00:40:16,218 --> 00:40:18,803
- Any statement for the press?
- No, I'm afraid not.
560
00:40:18,887 --> 00:40:20,597
Nothing of interest on this tour.
561
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:23,600
Is it true the opera is on the decline
in Central Europe?
562
00:40:23,683 --> 00:40:24,807
Absurd.
563
00:40:24,891 --> 00:40:28,473
I predict they're going to have
the greatest year they've ever had.
564
00:40:28,556 --> 00:40:32,018
Is it true that you're gonna get
married again while on this tour?
565
00:40:32,101 --> 00:40:36,557
- Gentlemen, I don't know what to say.
- Gentlemen, I'd say just this.
566
00:40:36,641 --> 00:40:38,518
The bicycle will never replace the horse.
567
00:40:38,601 --> 00:40:40,937
But, the horse will never replace
the bicycle...
568
00:40:41,020 --> 00:40:44,689
which is quite a horse on the bicycle
if I ever saw one, and I never did.
569
00:40:44,772 --> 00:40:47,144
I dare you to print that, you muckrakers.
570
00:40:47,228 --> 00:40:49,480
- Have a cigar, babe.
- Okay for the picture, Joe.
571
00:40:49,563 --> 00:40:52,781
Pictures? Here's a little sex stuff
for your front page.
572
00:40:53,990 --> 00:40:55,985
Now, hold it steady, please.
573
00:40:56,194 --> 00:40:57,237
[Horn tooting]
574
00:41:02,825 --> 00:41:05,738
You can say it was a real love match.
We married for money.
575
00:41:05,822 --> 00:41:09,575
Eh, my shrinking violet?
It won't hurt you to shrink 30 or 40 pounds.
576
00:41:09,659 --> 00:41:10,952
You impudent cad!
577
00:41:11,035 --> 00:41:13,955
- I'll report you to your paper.
- Let me do the reporting.
578
00:41:14,038 --> 00:41:17,743
Is it true you'll get a divorce as soon
as your husband recovers his sight?
579
00:41:17,827 --> 00:41:19,912
Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth?
580
00:41:19,995 --> 00:41:23,165
- Is it true you danced in a flea circus?
- This is outrageous!
581
00:41:23,249 --> 00:41:26,119
- lf you don't stop, I'll call the captain.
- So that's it.
582
00:41:26,203 --> 00:41:28,455
Infatuated with a pretty uniform.
We don't count.
583
00:41:28,539 --> 00:41:31,500
We gave you our best years,
now you want an officer.
584
00:41:31,583 --> 00:41:33,293
I don't like this innuendo.
585
00:41:33,377 --> 00:41:37,082
That's what I always say, love flies out
the door when money comes innuendo.
586
00:41:37,165 --> 00:41:41,294
Good-bye. It's nice to have seen you,
but I've got nobody to blame but myself.
587
00:41:41,378 --> 00:41:43,713
REPORTER: Could you tell me...
SWEMPSKl: Please...
588
00:41:44,548 --> 00:41:46,209
You're awfully glum.
589
00:41:47,252 --> 00:41:51,172
I was just thinking, after the boat lands,
I may never see you again.
590
00:41:51,714 --> 00:41:55,296
Does it matter to you
whether you ever see me again?
591
00:41:56,504 --> 00:41:59,465
I can't think of anything in the world
that matters more.
592
00:41:59,549 --> 00:42:01,634
Mary, I'll never leave you.
593
00:42:01,926 --> 00:42:03,886
[Soft romantic instrumental music]
594
00:42:09,093 --> 00:42:10,136
SAILOR: Tag.
595
00:42:10,302 --> 00:42:12,638
SAILOR: Tag.
596
00:42:18,470 --> 00:42:20,222
Wait a minute!
597
00:42:20,305 --> 00:42:22,808
I'm just trying to sneak off the boat,
that's all.
598
00:42:22,891 --> 00:42:24,560
I'm looking for the man who owns...
599
00:42:24,642 --> 00:42:26,555
Where's your passport?
600
00:42:29,516 --> 00:42:31,858
GROUCHO: Wait a minute.
Let me handle this.
601
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,522
I don't like to speak about it,
Officer, but I happen to be...
602
00:42:35,605 --> 00:42:38,023
a good friend of the meat supplier
to this boat.
603
00:42:38,107 --> 00:42:40,192
- Well?
- Well, do you like lamb chops?
604
00:42:40,276 --> 00:42:43,154
- Yes, what of it?
- This man doesn't handle lamb chops.
605
00:42:43,237 --> 00:42:45,068
But the roast beef is very good today.
606
00:42:45,151 --> 00:42:48,193
You fellows can't get off the boat
without showing passports.
607
00:42:48,277 --> 00:42:52,281
Get on back there at the end of the
line and get your passports open.
608
00:42:52,364 --> 00:42:54,116
CAPTAIN: Go on. Get back there.
609
00:42:56,611 --> 00:42:58,947
Stuffed shirt. When he said that to me...
610
00:42:59,030 --> 00:43:01,074
you could've knocked me over
with a feather.
611
00:43:02,409 --> 00:43:04,077
He gives you service.
612
00:43:05,531 --> 00:43:06,573
[Thudding]
613
00:43:07,282 --> 00:43:11,494
It looks like we're up against it.
It's up to you to get us a passport.
614
00:43:14,456 --> 00:43:15,950
I got you, didn't I?
615
00:43:16,033 --> 00:43:19,662
Well, you'll have to get up pretty
early in the morning to steal from me.
616
00:43:19,746 --> 00:43:23,833
He did get up early this morning, but
you weren't here. Perhaps tomorrow?
617
00:43:24,790 --> 00:43:27,037
Well, come on. Let's try another one.
618
00:43:29,290 --> 00:43:31,709
What's the idea,
putting your hand in my pocket?
619
00:43:31,792 --> 00:43:33,169
Just a little mistake.
620
00:43:33,252 --> 00:43:36,999
I had a suit that looked just like that
and I thought those were my pants.
621
00:43:37,082 --> 00:43:39,251
How could they be yours,
when I've got them on?
622
00:43:39,334 --> 00:43:41,253
This suit had two pairs of pants.
623
00:43:41,336 --> 00:43:43,130
Better keep your hands to yourself.
624
00:43:43,213 --> 00:43:46,918
Do you know who's on this boat?
Maurice Chevalier, the movie actor.
625
00:43:47,002 --> 00:43:49,212
- I just ran into him.
- Did you hurt him?
626
00:43:49,296 --> 00:43:52,841
- How do you know it was Chevalier?
- I got his passport right there.
627
00:43:52,924 --> 00:43:54,965
Now he can't get off the boat.
628
00:43:55,795 --> 00:43:58,923
Hey, he looks like Chevalier.
And I can look like Chevalier.
629
00:43:59,007 --> 00:44:01,801
- I certainly look like Chevalier.
- But that's not enough.
630
00:44:01,885 --> 00:44:04,012
You have to sing his song
to get off this boat.
631
00:44:04,095 --> 00:44:07,300
[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you
632
00:44:07,383 --> 00:44:10,556
They'd sing much better than you do
633
00:44:10,642 --> 00:44:13,437
Dandy. Sing like that,
they'll throw us all off the boat.
634
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:15,724
- Well, let's try it.
- All right. Come on.
635
00:44:15,974 --> 00:44:17,684
Have your passports ready. Straight out...
636
00:44:17,768 --> 00:44:20,020
you'll find the baggage on the deck.
637
00:44:21,730 --> 00:44:23,148
Have your passports ready.
638
00:44:23,231 --> 00:44:26,061
Keep in line, everybody. 945.
639
00:44:27,187 --> 00:44:30,190
INSPECTOR: Keep in line, everybody.
Have your passports ready.
640
00:44:31,399 --> 00:44:33,026
INSPECTOR: 1092.
641
00:44:34,568 --> 00:44:36,814
[All talking indistinctly]
642
00:44:37,148 --> 00:44:39,901
INSPECTOR: Never mind.
Hey, if you want to get off the boat...
643
00:44:39,984 --> 00:44:42,403
- get in the back.
- Oh, I didn't get on in the back.
644
00:44:42,487 --> 00:44:44,571
- I got on in the front.
- Never mind that.
645
00:44:44,654 --> 00:44:47,193
INSPECTOR: Leave them alone.
ZEPPO: You're right...
646
00:44:47,276 --> 00:44:50,154
- I told them to stay in line.
- Yeah? Show me your passport.
647
00:44:50,237 --> 00:44:54,492
- Yeah, right here. That's my name.
- Maurice Chevalier?
648
00:44:54,574 --> 00:44:55,652
Yeah.
649
00:44:55,736 --> 00:44:59,031
- This picture doesn't look like you.
- Sure, I'm Maurice Chevalier.
650
00:44:59,114 --> 00:45:00,199
I'll sing for you.
651
00:45:00,282 --> 00:45:03,452
[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you
652
00:45:03,535 --> 00:45:07,032
They'd sing much better than they do
653
00:45:07,115 --> 00:45:09,076
Here, never mind that.
654
00:45:09,159 --> 00:45:11,328
Get back in line where you belong.
655
00:45:15,742 --> 00:45:17,243
I was ahead of you!
656
00:45:18,745 --> 00:45:19,996
INSPECTOR: Your passport.
657
00:45:20,830 --> 00:45:24,501
Let me have your passport.
This picture doesn't look like you.
658
00:45:24,667 --> 00:45:28,831
It don't look like me from the front,
but go in the back of the boat, just like me.
659
00:45:28,915 --> 00:45:30,958
You're not Maurice Chevalier.
660
00:45:31,042 --> 00:45:32,710
- Are you Maurice Chevalier?
- No.
661
00:45:32,794 --> 00:45:35,249
Well, there you are. Wait. I prove it.
662
00:45:35,374 --> 00:45:38,751
[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you
663
00:45:38,834 --> 00:45:41,962
He sing much better than you do and
664
00:45:42,046 --> 00:45:43,089
Out!
665
00:45:43,297 --> 00:45:45,336
- No push me!
- Get out of here!
666
00:45:45,418 --> 00:45:48,045
Get back in line where you belong.
Passport!
667
00:45:50,550 --> 00:45:54,432
- This picture doesn't look like you.
- It doesn't look like you either.
668
00:45:54,516 --> 00:45:57,720
- This man has no moustache.
- The barbershop wasn't open.
669
00:45:57,845 --> 00:46:00,974
- Why, look at that face.
- Well, look at that face.
670
00:46:01,057 --> 00:46:03,643
Hey, are you going to identify
yourself, or else...
671
00:46:03,726 --> 00:46:07,181
[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you
672
00:46:07,264 --> 00:46:09,934
They'd sing much sweeter than they do
673
00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:13,938
For you brought a new kind of love to me
674
00:46:15,267 --> 00:46:17,434
Out! Back in line where you belong!
675
00:46:22,564 --> 00:46:23,607
OFFICER 1: Get off there!
676
00:46:23,691 --> 00:46:27,854
OFFICER 2: Get off the table!
OFFICER 1: What do you think this is here?
677
00:46:27,938 --> 00:46:31,566
OFFICER 1: Put that down!
OFFICER 2: Lunatic!
678
00:46:34,027 --> 00:46:36,481
OFFICER 1: Stop that!
OFFICER 2: You want to break that?
679
00:46:36,564 --> 00:46:38,900
OFFICER 3: Here, let it alone!
680
00:46:40,318 --> 00:46:44,737
Passport. I said passport, not pasteboard.
681
00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:50,947
Come on with that passport!
Not washboard!
682
00:46:51,781 --> 00:46:52,865
Passport!
683
00:46:55,362 --> 00:46:57,405
INSPECTOR: Chevalier?
684
00:46:58,072 --> 00:46:59,240
[Lip-synching]
685
00:46:59,323 --> 00:47:03,661
If a nightingale could sing like you
686
00:47:03,744 --> 00:47:07,241
They'd sing much sweeter than they do
687
00:47:07,324 --> 00:47:12,329
For you brought a new kind of love to me
688
00:47:12,705 --> 00:47:13,872
[Record garbling]
689
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:18,078
And if the sandman brought me
dreams of you
690
00:47:18,370 --> 00:47:22,874
I'd want to dream my whole life through
691
00:47:22,958 --> 00:47:27,497
For you brought a new kind of love to me
692
00:47:37,172 --> 00:47:38,716
INSPECTOR: Get him out of here!
693
00:47:39,258 --> 00:47:42,303
- Put him back there where he belongs!
- Take it easy, folks.
694
00:47:42,386 --> 00:47:47,259
The gangplank is to the left, please.
Don't crowd. Don't crowd.
695
00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:51,972
- Take your time. Ladies first.
- Let me off the boat. I'm a sick man.
696
00:47:52,055 --> 00:47:54,141
- I feel faint.
- I don't care, take your time.
697
00:47:54,224 --> 00:47:57,178
I tell you, I feel faint. I'm going to faint.
698
00:47:57,971 --> 00:48:00,807
SWEMPSKl: Someone get a doctor!
MAN: Somebody fainted.
699
00:48:01,433 --> 00:48:04,060
Where's a doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!
700
00:48:04,144 --> 00:48:08,558
She's sick. We'll take care of you.
Look, she's got a chill, cover her up.
701
00:48:10,018 --> 00:48:12,312
No, get off. Take her pulse.
702
00:48:13,104 --> 00:48:16,934
No purse, put it back. Pulse.
I think you best take her temperature.
703
00:48:17,310 --> 00:48:19,896
That's good, we'll take care of you, lady.
704
00:48:19,979 --> 00:48:21,230
All right.
705
00:48:22,481 --> 00:48:25,769
You fools, I'm not the patient.
706
00:48:26,687 --> 00:48:28,689
We're not the doctor. Come on.
707
00:48:29,023 --> 00:48:31,358
Doctor! Is there a doctor on the boat?
708
00:48:31,650 --> 00:48:32,693
Doctor!
709
00:48:33,694 --> 00:48:36,607
- Are you a doctor?
- Sure, I'm a doctor. Where's the horse?
710
00:48:36,690 --> 00:48:39,651
- A man fainted over here.
- Man fainted? I'll soon fix him.
711
00:48:39,735 --> 00:48:42,279
Just my hard luck it couldn't be a woman.
712
00:48:46,776 --> 00:48:49,196
MAN: Here's the doctor.
713
00:48:50,572 --> 00:48:52,824
Just as I thought, smoking too much.
714
00:48:52,908 --> 00:48:54,781
Here he is here, Doctor.
715
00:48:54,865 --> 00:48:57,030
Don't tell me. I'll find him myself.
716
00:48:57,989 --> 00:49:00,909
[People murmuring]
717
00:49:03,786 --> 00:49:06,532
I can't do anything for that man.
He's fainted.
718
00:49:07,033 --> 00:49:09,035
What he needs is an ocean voyage.
719
00:49:09,118 --> 00:49:12,502
In the meantime, get him off the boat
and have his baggage examined.
720
00:49:12,586 --> 00:49:13,629
MAN: Gangway!
721
00:49:13,712 --> 00:49:15,333
You all get close so he won't recover.
722
00:49:15,416 --> 00:49:18,877
Right this way, please.
Step right around here.
723
00:49:24,132 --> 00:49:28,004
OFFICER: Step lively down there.
724
00:49:40,968 --> 00:49:43,221
Back that ambulance in here!
725
00:49:44,180 --> 00:49:47,259
[Women exclaim in surprise]
726
00:49:47,718 --> 00:49:49,845
Hey!
727
00:49:56,011 --> 00:50:00,516
Helton's throwing his party tonight,
and this time we blow the works.
728
00:50:00,974 --> 00:50:03,477
Now, you guys are going in as musicians.
729
00:50:04,102 --> 00:50:06,473
And stay that way until I give you the office.
730
00:50:06,556 --> 00:50:08,600
Say, what about those four guys
in the house?
731
00:50:08,683 --> 00:50:10,268
The ones you said were on the boat.
732
00:50:10,352 --> 00:50:13,438
Don't worry about them.
They eat out of my hand.
733
00:50:13,522 --> 00:50:17,894
The thing for you to worry about is that girl.
Keep your eye on her. Get me?
734
00:50:17,977 --> 00:50:19,896
That ought be easy to take.
735
00:50:19,979 --> 00:50:21,022
Okay.
736
00:50:21,105 --> 00:50:23,316
Sit tight and I'll give you a call.
737
00:50:30,358 --> 00:50:33,069
[Band playing upbeat music]
738
00:51:01,624 --> 00:51:04,376
Have you guys got an invitation?
739
00:51:04,459 --> 00:51:06,455
We give you invitation of Chevalier.
740
00:51:06,539 --> 00:51:10,459
[Singing] When the nightingale
sings like you
741
00:51:10,543 --> 00:51:14,919
Cut it out! And stay away
from this door, see?
742
00:51:29,673 --> 00:51:30,841
ZEPPO: Mary?
743
00:51:36,714 --> 00:51:40,427
You certainly had me worried.
I thought you'd forgotten your own party.
744
00:51:40,510 --> 00:51:44,555
You haven't been doing all the worrying.
I was afraid you wouldn't come.
745
00:51:55,303 --> 00:51:58,472
My, but, there are
a lot of strange-looking people here.
746
00:52:04,892 --> 00:52:07,433
[Band continues playing upbeat music]
747
00:52:15,309 --> 00:52:17,936
Ladies and gentlemen! Quiet, everybody.
748
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:22,315
A lady's diamond earring has been lost.
It looks exactly like this.
749
00:52:22,399 --> 00:52:24,067
In fact, this is it.
750
00:52:26,020 --> 00:52:27,230
I beg your pardon!
751
00:52:27,313 --> 00:52:29,607
How about you and I passing out
on the veranda?
752
00:52:29,691 --> 00:52:31,198
Or would you rather pass out here?
753
00:52:31,282 --> 00:52:33,284
Sir, you have the advantage of me.
754
00:52:33,367 --> 00:52:36,363
Not yet, but wait till I get you outside.
755
00:52:36,447 --> 00:52:38,699
You're pretty fresh, aren't you?
756
00:52:38,782 --> 00:52:41,577
That's my wife and I don't like the way
you're acting here.
757
00:52:41,660 --> 00:52:44,619
If you don't like our country,
go back where you came from.
758
00:52:44,702 --> 00:52:46,658
I should sink that right in your scalp.
759
00:52:46,742 --> 00:52:49,035
- Run for your life! The Indians are coming!
- What?
760
00:52:49,119 --> 00:52:51,663
Put your scalp in your pocket. Here.
The Indians.
761
00:52:51,830 --> 00:52:53,206
[Groucho whooping]
762
00:52:53,373 --> 00:52:55,286
- Come here.
- I'll get him.
763
00:52:56,411 --> 00:52:58,496
[Groucho whooping]
764
00:52:59,039 --> 00:53:01,916
Have a good time, kid.
This is going to be a real party.
765
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:04,833
Is this a party?
The beer is warm, the women are cold...
766
00:53:04,916 --> 00:53:06,164
and I'm hot under the collar.
767
00:53:06,247 --> 00:53:09,375
In fact, a more poisonous little barbecue
I've never attended.
768
00:53:09,459 --> 00:53:12,211
You're a funny kind of a duck, but I like you.
769
00:53:12,295 --> 00:53:14,794
You stuck by me, and I'll stick by you.
770
00:53:14,878 --> 00:53:17,585
Sheriff, I ain't much on flowery sentiments...
771
00:53:17,668 --> 00:53:19,837
but there's something I just got to tell you.
772
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,506
Shucks, man, I'd be nothing
but a poisonous varmint...
773
00:53:22,590 --> 00:53:24,673
and not fit to touch the hem of your pants...
774
00:53:24,756 --> 00:53:28,172
if I didn't tell you
you've treated me square, mighty square...
775
00:53:28,255 --> 00:53:30,007
and I ain't forgetting.
776
00:53:34,510 --> 00:53:37,049
Sheriff, I ain't forgetting.
777
00:53:38,550 --> 00:53:40,719
[Groucho imitating a horse neighing]
778
00:53:40,802 --> 00:53:43,305
GROUCHO: Whoa, there, Bossie.
Whoa, there!
779
00:53:43,638 --> 00:53:46,009
[Groucho imitating horse hooves clattering]
780
00:53:51,514 --> 00:53:53,683
[Guests applauding]
781
00:53:55,055 --> 00:53:58,473
My friends, this is indeed a surprise.
782
00:53:59,891 --> 00:54:02,143
You couldn't have pleased me better.
783
00:54:03,019 --> 00:54:07,850
I want you to meet the sweetest little thing
in the whole wide world.
784
00:54:08,142 --> 00:54:09,310
[Guests applauding]
785
00:54:09,393 --> 00:54:11,818
[Dramatic instrumental music]
786
00:54:12,402 --> 00:54:15,274
[Horn tooting]
787
00:54:16,650 --> 00:54:18,276
GROUCHO: Hey.
WAITER: Yes, sir?
788
00:54:18,693 --> 00:54:22,238
No, it's special for Mr. Helton, sir.
789
00:54:22,322 --> 00:54:24,032
You see this?
790
00:54:31,783 --> 00:54:35,364
Come back in a half hour,
and I'll give you another look at it.
791
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:47,868
Listen. Keep your eye on Helton.
792
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:50,788
We're gonna grab his daughter
and take her to the old barn.
793
00:54:50,871 --> 00:54:53,248
Old barn? A fine tinhorn sport you are.
794
00:54:53,332 --> 00:54:56,703
With all the good shows in town,
taking a girl to an old barn!
795
00:54:56,787 --> 00:54:59,790
Once we get a hold of that girl,
he'll take orders from me.
796
00:54:59,873 --> 00:55:01,708
- I'll show him...
- Enough small talk.
797
00:55:01,792 --> 00:55:04,211
- Where's your wife, Lucille?
- Would you...
798
00:55:04,418 --> 00:55:06,247
Someone's coming. I'll be back.
799
00:55:06,331 --> 00:55:09,417
Be back next Thursday,
and bring a specimen of your handwriting.
800
00:55:09,501 --> 00:55:11,127
And, above all, don't worry.
801
00:55:16,084 --> 00:55:17,794
[lmitating cat meowing]
802
00:55:35,923 --> 00:55:37,383
What brought you here?
803
00:55:37,466 --> 00:55:40,928
It's midsummer madness.
The music is in my temples...
804
00:55:41,011 --> 00:55:44,928
the hot blood of youth.
Come, Kapellmeister. Let the violas throb.
805
00:55:45,010 --> 00:55:46,885
My regiment leaves at dawn.
806
00:55:49,388 --> 00:55:51,980
[Slow-paced lively instrumental music]
807
00:56:22,281 --> 00:56:24,656
I guess my regiment can go without me.
808
00:56:27,821 --> 00:56:30,740
No, don't, my husband might be inside.
809
00:56:30,824 --> 00:56:32,826
If he finds me out here, he'll wallop me.
810
00:56:32,909 --> 00:56:36,864
Always thinking of your husband.
Couldn't I wallop you just as well?
811
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:39,951
I heard Alky talking about this party.
812
00:56:40,034 --> 00:56:42,453
I've dreamed of a night like this, I tell you.
813
00:56:42,662 --> 00:56:44,579
You tell me about some of your dreams.
814
00:56:44,661 --> 00:56:49,453
Dreams? I can't even sleep anymore,
wondering who he's chasing around with.
815
00:56:49,537 --> 00:56:52,456
Why can't we break away from all this,
just you and I...
816
00:56:52,540 --> 00:56:57,162
and lodge with my fleas in the hills?
I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.
817
00:56:57,371 --> 00:56:58,747
No, I couldn't think of it.
818
00:56:58,831 --> 00:57:01,667
Don't be afraid.
You can join this lodge for a few pennies.
819
00:57:01,750 --> 00:57:04,252
You won't even have to take
a physical examination...
820
00:57:04,335 --> 00:57:05,831
unless you insist on one.
821
00:57:07,416 --> 00:57:09,543
What a swell home life I've got.
822
00:57:11,086 --> 00:57:15,792
Why, I think I'd almost marry you
to spite that double-crossing crook.
823
00:57:17,878 --> 00:57:19,004
Mrs. Briggs...
824
00:57:19,754 --> 00:57:23,049
I've known and respected your
husband Alky for many years...
825
00:57:23,133 --> 00:57:26,212
and what's good enough for him
is good enough for me.
826
00:57:35,346 --> 00:57:37,014
Emily!
827
00:57:38,140 --> 00:57:40,350
Henry, carefully, somebody may see us.
828
00:57:40,434 --> 00:57:42,227
I've been careful too long.
829
00:57:42,311 --> 00:57:45,266
Now that you've brought it up,
how long have you been careful?
830
00:57:45,349 --> 00:57:47,976
- They saw us!
- Be calm, Emily. I'll talk to them.
831
00:57:48,059 --> 00:57:49,769
You won't say anything about this?
832
00:57:49,853 --> 00:57:52,522
Sir, are you trying to offer me
a bribe? How much?
833
00:57:52,606 --> 00:57:56,519
But you don't understand.
You see, I'm not happy with my husband.
834
00:57:56,603 --> 00:57:58,730
He should've married some little housewife.
835
00:57:58,813 --> 00:58:01,900
Madam, I resent that.
Some of my best friends are housewives.
836
00:58:03,234 --> 00:58:04,318
[Clears throat]
837
00:58:04,401 --> 00:58:06,022
Now, see here, if you're going to...
838
00:58:06,105 --> 00:58:08,065
You're living in a fool's paradise.
839
00:58:08,149 --> 00:58:11,444
You intend to spend $10 to buy
this woman a ring? Look at this.
840
00:58:11,527 --> 00:58:14,154
It's solid brass and $1.50 takes it away.
841
00:58:14,237 --> 00:58:17,359
I know it'll fit her.
I got it from the nose of a savage.
842
00:58:17,443 --> 00:58:20,571
Well? $1.50. You can have it for $1.
843
00:58:21,322 --> 00:58:23,699
Fifty cents and not a nickel under.
844
00:58:23,782 --> 00:58:27,613
Now, my friends, what am I offered for
this fine French piece of bric-a-brac?
845
00:58:27,696 --> 00:58:29,615
I know what it is to be unhappy.
846
00:58:29,698 --> 00:58:32,117
How do you think I feel?
I'm stuck with this ring.
847
00:58:32,201 --> 00:58:34,949
I've been married for four years,
four years of neglect...
848
00:58:35,032 --> 00:58:37,491
four years of battling,
four years of heartbreaks.
849
00:58:37,574 --> 00:58:40,368
That makes 12 years.
You must've been married in rompers.
850
00:58:40,452 --> 00:58:44,121
Mighty pretty country around there.
Do you think you'll ever go back?
851
00:58:44,205 --> 00:58:45,992
Come here, babe. I like you.
852
00:58:46,075 --> 00:58:48,495
I shouldn't. What about my husband?
853
00:58:48,578 --> 00:58:51,498
That's all right.
Maybe we can get a girl for him.
854
00:58:59,457 --> 00:59:00,958
Who was that? My wife?
855
00:59:01,042 --> 00:59:03,044
Married to her 12 years and you ask me?
856
00:59:03,127 --> 00:59:05,539
What're you doing here?
I told you to spy on Helton.
857
00:59:05,623 --> 00:59:07,333
- I did spy on him.
- What was he doing?
858
00:59:07,416 --> 00:59:09,251
- He was spying on me.
- Did he see you?
859
00:59:09,335 --> 00:59:12,260
No. I was too foxy for him.
All he could do was spy on me.
860
00:59:12,344 --> 00:59:15,050
Well, get back in there.
We're all set to cop his girl.
861
00:59:15,133 --> 00:59:16,549
Okay, chief.
862
00:59:27,720 --> 00:59:29,555
[Girl screaming]
863
00:59:38,933 --> 00:59:41,936
They got some good stuff outside.
You want a drink?
864
00:59:46,433 --> 00:59:49,353
Ready, boys? Let's go.
865
00:59:49,561 --> 00:59:51,522
[Band playing slow music]
866
00:59:59,564 --> 01:00:02,567
[Playing upbeat music]
867
01:00:20,571 --> 01:00:23,032
[Playing intense upbeat music]
868
01:00:37,699 --> 01:00:39,201
Beat you that time.
869
01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:58,212
[Playing rhythmic music]
870
01:01:25,844 --> 01:01:28,471
[Continues playing rhythmic music]
871
01:01:39,142 --> 01:01:42,645
- Very swell. Let me get you some punch.
- I'd love it.
872
01:01:53,357 --> 01:01:55,186
Just what I needed.
873
01:01:59,648 --> 01:02:01,734
[Band playing upbeat music]
874
01:02:09,276 --> 01:02:11,611
Well, how's it coming, kid?
875
01:02:11,695 --> 01:02:14,986
- Got everything you want?
- Sure, how about a job for my grandfather?
876
01:02:15,068 --> 01:02:16,693
JOE: Your grandfather, what does he do?
877
01:02:16,776 --> 01:02:18,486
He puts cheese in the mousetraps.
878
01:02:18,570 --> 01:02:20,864
Why, we haven't got any mice here.
879
01:02:20,947 --> 01:02:23,074
He brings his own mice with him.
880
01:02:23,158 --> 01:02:24,407
[Joe laughs]
881
01:02:37,873 --> 01:02:42,044
You know, Mary, everyone seems to be
having nearly as much fun as I am.
882
01:02:42,461 --> 01:02:46,041
I beg your pardon, but there's someone
to see you, Miss Helton.
883
01:02:46,666 --> 01:02:49,627
- Pardon me, and I'll hurry right back.
- Surely.
884
01:02:56,419 --> 01:02:57,503
[Harpo whistles]
885
01:03:09,884 --> 01:03:11,927
No, you're wrong, girls, you're wrong.
886
01:03:12,011 --> 01:03:15,300
In the first place,
Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.
887
01:03:16,008 --> 01:03:19,386
I wish you'd announce this singer.
I can't make out the name.
888
01:03:19,470 --> 01:03:21,555
Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to announce...
889
01:03:21,639 --> 01:03:24,763
that the buffet will be served
in the next room in five minutes.
890
01:03:24,846 --> 01:03:26,511
To get you in that room quickly...
891
01:03:26,595 --> 01:03:29,264
Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo
in this room.
892
01:03:30,682 --> 01:03:33,477
[Singing a slow opera song]
893
01:03:45,683 --> 01:03:46,726
[Girl screams]
894
01:04:17,075 --> 01:04:20,787
[Schmalhausen continues
singing slow opera song]
895
01:05:28,597 --> 01:05:30,933
[Schmalhausen singing high-pitched finale]
896
01:06:02,074 --> 01:06:04,449
That's no good.
You wanna get thrown out again?
897
01:06:04,533 --> 01:06:06,780
Play something nice.
I tell you what you play.
898
01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:08,615
Play...
899
01:06:08,866 --> 01:06:11,076
[Chico humming upbeat tune]
900
01:06:11,368 --> 01:06:13,161
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
901
01:06:14,784 --> 01:06:15,866
That's it.
902
01:06:15,949 --> 01:06:19,286
That's beautiful.
That's magnifico. I like that.
903
01:06:21,872 --> 01:06:24,662
[Playing upbeat music]
904
01:07:09,134 --> 01:07:12,137
[Continues playing upbeat music]
905
01:07:53,281 --> 01:07:55,943
[Plays fast-paced upbeat music]
906
01:08:10,451 --> 01:08:12,995
[Guests applauding]
907
01:08:23,457 --> 01:08:26,286
Mary! They've kidnapped her!
908
01:08:26,369 --> 01:08:27,704
ZEPPO: Who's been kidnapped?
909
01:08:27,788 --> 01:08:30,499
Mary, my daughter! Do something!
910
01:08:30,582 --> 01:08:31,917
But who could've done it?
911
01:08:32,000 --> 01:08:35,789
It's that Alky Briggs!
You saw them drag her into the car.
912
01:08:35,955 --> 01:08:38,124
Where did they take her?
913
01:08:38,208 --> 01:08:40,460
First, they blindfolded me and then they...
914
01:08:40,543 --> 01:08:42,587
Of course, they took her to the barn.
915
01:08:42,670 --> 01:08:45,792
Fellows, let's all pack up a lunch
and go down to the old barn.
916
01:08:45,875 --> 01:08:51,089
Fred, you go down to the North Road.
Jack, you head down by Front Street.
917
01:08:51,464 --> 01:08:53,216
I'll go pick up a couple of the boys.
918
01:08:53,299 --> 01:08:55,628
And I'll take care of picking up
a couple of dames.
919
01:08:55,795 --> 01:08:57,755
Women? This is no time for women.
920
01:08:57,880 --> 01:08:59,381
GROUCHO: On to the barn!
921
01:09:02,176 --> 01:09:03,968
Gee, I wish I had a horse.
922
01:09:08,258 --> 01:09:10,135
ALKY: Hurry it up, boys.
923
01:09:10,600 --> 01:09:11,851
MAN: Come on.
924
01:09:17,225 --> 01:09:20,186
Let me go!
925
01:09:20,269 --> 01:09:23,481
No use yelling, kid.
Nobody will hear you in here.
926
01:09:23,564 --> 01:09:25,684
You wait till my father hears about this!
927
01:09:25,768 --> 01:09:28,854
He's gonna hear about it
because I'm gonna tell him myself.
928
01:09:28,938 --> 01:09:30,481
Take it easy!
929
01:09:30,564 --> 01:09:33,401
You're not going anyplace.
Don't get all excited. Come on.
930
01:09:33,484 --> 01:09:35,813
You take your hands off of me!
931
01:09:35,896 --> 01:09:37,815
Listen, kid. Nobody's gonna hurt you.
932
01:09:37,898 --> 01:09:40,317
You'll be out in an hour
if your dad comes through.
933
01:09:40,401 --> 01:09:44,569
Butch, you take care of the girl while
I telephone Joe. Come on, you guys.
934
01:09:50,153 --> 01:09:52,322
[Mary screaming]
935
01:09:56,611 --> 01:09:58,613
You take your hands off of me!
936
01:09:59,823 --> 01:10:02,659
Now, make yourself at home, but shut up!
937
01:10:11,619 --> 01:10:14,743
DRIVER: $1.10.
GROUCHO: Here's $1. Keep the change.
938
01:10:14,827 --> 01:10:18,119
DRIVER: But I said $1.10.
GROUCHO: Give me $1. I'll keep the change.
939
01:10:18,202 --> 01:10:19,829
That's a half a dollar I owe you.
940
01:10:28,372 --> 01:10:30,874
You call this a barn?
This looks like a stable.
941
01:10:30,958 --> 01:10:33,585
It looks like a barn but smells like a stable.
942
01:10:33,669 --> 01:10:35,914
Well, let's just look at it.
943
01:10:36,081 --> 01:10:38,250
Get out of here!
944
01:10:38,417 --> 01:10:40,293
Have you got a girl in that hayloft?
945
01:10:40,377 --> 01:10:41,461
BUTCH: No!
946
01:10:41,545 --> 01:10:43,171
You're a bigger fool than I thought.
947
01:10:43,255 --> 01:10:44,836
Beat it, I tell you!
948
01:10:44,961 --> 01:10:47,794
- What'd you say?
- I said beat it!
949
01:10:50,845 --> 01:10:53,763
GROUCHO: Pardon me. What did you say?
BUTCH: I said beat it!
950
01:10:53,847 --> 01:10:55,009
He said beat it.
951
01:10:55,093 --> 01:10:58,178
Gee, I wish I'd said that.
Everybody's repeating it.
952
01:10:58,262 --> 01:11:00,931
I'm coming down there and get you!
953
01:11:01,015 --> 01:11:02,766
Don't bother. We'll come right up.
954
01:11:02,850 --> 01:11:04,516
Come on. I'm going in to get him.
955
01:11:05,054 --> 01:11:07,723
[Hens clucking]
956
01:11:09,182 --> 01:11:11,143
[Cow mooing]
957
01:11:17,600 --> 01:11:21,479
Here we are at the old barn,
all set for a nice picnic lunch.
958
01:11:21,563 --> 01:11:24,770
Gosh, the picnic is off,
we haven't got any red ants.
959
01:11:24,854 --> 01:11:27,562
I know an Indian who's got
a couple of Red aunts.
960
01:11:27,729 --> 01:11:30,023
Don't you think we'd better
go look for the girl?
961
01:11:30,106 --> 01:11:32,900
Let's wait till we eat,
there's hardly enough lunch for two.
962
01:11:32,984 --> 01:11:36,480
I don't see why she couldn't get
kidnapped near a restaurant.
963
01:11:36,981 --> 01:11:41,360
Some dark night, I think I'll come and
lay for you if the hens don't get sore.
964
01:11:42,820 --> 01:11:43,903
Here.
965
01:11:44,111 --> 01:11:48,152
Go over to that filling station
and get some milk. Grade-A.
966
01:11:50,738 --> 01:11:52,823
Well, come on. Where's the milk?
967
01:11:52,906 --> 01:11:55,278
There's a customer ahead of me.
968
01:11:57,612 --> 01:11:58,655
Hey!
969
01:11:59,656 --> 01:12:02,117
- What are you doing here?
- What are we doing?
970
01:12:02,200 --> 01:12:05,655
What about you, kidnapping a girl?
Old-fashioned piece of melodrama...
971
01:12:05,739 --> 01:12:08,908
kidnapping a girl!
You've been reading too many dime novels.
972
01:12:09,284 --> 01:12:12,412
Go on. You get him. I'll wait for you outside.
973
01:12:12,495 --> 01:12:14,038
Keep out of this loft!
974
01:12:14,245 --> 01:12:17,744
It's better to have loft and lost
than never to have loft at all.
975
01:12:18,661 --> 01:12:20,455
- Nice work.
- Beat it, or I'll throw you out!
976
01:12:21,164 --> 01:12:23,374
[Hens clucking frantically]
977
01:12:51,304 --> 01:12:54,263
CHICO: Take your face out of my foot!
BUTCH: I gotcha!
978
01:13:02,975 --> 01:13:07,097
So, thought we were afraid?
Thought we were afraid, did you?
979
01:13:12,561 --> 01:13:15,266
BUTCH: Now I'm gonna give
it to you guys right!
980
01:13:18,185 --> 01:13:19,811
[Mary screaming]
981
01:13:19,937 --> 01:13:22,022
[Cow mooing]
982
01:13:31,149 --> 01:13:33,151
Butch! What happened?
983
01:13:33,817 --> 01:13:34,857
Hey!
984
01:13:35,688 --> 01:13:37,607
You, get out of that loft!
985
01:13:40,068 --> 01:13:41,611
[Mary screaming]
986
01:13:42,111 --> 01:13:43,695
Butch, what happened?
987
01:13:44,610 --> 01:13:46,150
Come up here, Butch.
988
01:13:53,574 --> 01:13:57,571
Where's all those farmers' daughters
I've been hearing about for years?
989
01:14:03,369 --> 01:14:06,990
Why don't you boys fight over there?
You want to break my glasses?
990
01:14:08,158 --> 01:14:10,035
Come on, folks. Step right up.
991
01:14:10,118 --> 01:14:12,710
Only 10 cents a chance. Attaboy!
Here you are.
992
01:14:12,794 --> 01:14:15,581
Ten cents gets you in
the only game in the stable.
993
01:14:15,665 --> 01:14:18,209
Let's see. Number 16 wins.
And the lucky number.
994
01:14:18,292 --> 01:14:22,004
There you are, young man.
Sorry you didn't get a better one.
995
01:14:23,589 --> 01:14:24,961
CHICO: Here we go!
996
01:14:25,043 --> 01:14:29,463
Let's see what comes up.
Well, if he isn't the lucky guy. Double 0.
997
01:14:29,547 --> 01:14:33,467
Two shots for the price of one.
Folks, this is the best game in all...
998
01:14:35,837 --> 01:14:39,383
You're a mother, you understand.
How would you like to have somebody...
999
01:14:39,466 --> 01:14:42,844
steal one of your heifers?
I know, heifer cow is better than none...
1000
01:14:42,928 --> 01:14:46,132
but this is no time for puns.
Get in that battle over there.
1001
01:14:48,093 --> 01:14:51,888
Here we are again at the ringside,
and it looks like a great battle.
1002
01:14:51,972 --> 01:14:54,389
Now the boys are locked
in the centre of the ring.
1003
01:14:54,472 --> 01:14:57,971
What a grudge fight. Zowie! Zowie! Zowie!
1004
01:14:58,054 --> 01:15:01,057
That makes three zowies,
and a man gets a base on balls.
1005
01:15:01,140 --> 01:15:05,097
Ending of the first inning.
No runs, no errors, but plenty of hits.
1006
01:15:05,180 --> 01:15:07,223
[Exclaims in mock joy]
1007
01:15:08,933 --> 01:15:12,645
This program comes to you courtesy of
the Golden Goose Furniture Company...
1008
01:15:12,728 --> 01:15:17,017
with three stores: 125th Street, 125th Street
and 125th Street.
1009
01:15:17,101 --> 01:15:19,770
You furnish the girl,
we tar and feather your nest.
1010
01:15:19,854 --> 01:15:22,147
Look for our advertisement
in today's ash can.
1011
01:15:22,231 --> 01:15:25,602
Now the boys are at it
in the centre of the ring! Oh! That one hurt!
1012
01:15:25,686 --> 01:15:30,607
Come on, you palookas! Stop stalling!
Oh, mama, if I only had my youth again.
1013
01:15:41,069 --> 01:15:42,153
[Bells clanking]
1014
01:15:42,237 --> 01:15:44,486
Round two.
1015
01:15:47,151 --> 01:15:50,661
Both boys are fiddling in the ring,
and I don't think much of the tune.
1016
01:15:50,744 --> 01:15:52,246
Briggs is bobbing and weaving.
1017
01:15:52,329 --> 01:15:55,951
It's nice work if you can get it.
Now they're trying. Very trying.
1018
01:15:56,034 --> 01:15:57,536
I copped that one from an almanac.
1019
01:15:57,619 --> 01:16:01,165
Now they're in the centre of the ring,
and the crowd hurrahs.
1020
01:16:01,498 --> 01:16:03,125
[Cow mooing]
1021
01:16:16,541 --> 01:16:17,917
Oh, Dad!
1022
01:16:19,169 --> 01:16:21,045
Are you all right, honey?
1023
01:16:21,129 --> 01:16:22,422
[Bells clanking]
1024
01:16:22,589 --> 01:16:26,502
Good boy. Remember, old Joe Helton
never forgot a friend.
1025
01:16:26,586 --> 01:16:29,297
This is one job that certainly
was a pleasure.
1026
01:16:31,132 --> 01:16:34,673
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for a needle in a hay stack.
1027
01:16:34,922 --> 01:16:35,963
[Upbeat instrumental music]
83069
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