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[pounding dance music]
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[announcer] Please welcome Jack Whitehall.
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[crowd roars, cheers, whistles]
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[inaudible]
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[music ends, crowd roars]
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Show business, baby.
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Show business.
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Wow! How amazing is this?
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Here we are at the record
of my first ever Netflix special.
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[crowd cheers]
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Yeah.
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I don't know why I'm talking into this.
I'm on a head set.
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[laughter]
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I doubt that's even on.
I doubt that is even...
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I mean, not even plugged in.
Literally just a prop.
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This is an international show.
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I've realized, right,
trying to do the international show,
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that the cultural divide is
much greater than we think.
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The biggest difference, I realize,
between us and our American cousins,
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when I went to California,
was the attitude to drinking.
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Completely different.
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I heard sentences in California
that I've never heard before. Like this:
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[American accent]
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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Did you see Larry?
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Larry had four glasses of wine
with dinner.
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I think Larry...
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may be an alcoholic."
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[audience chuckles]
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Yes, I know.
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Four glasses of wine with dinner
in America: you're an alcoholic.
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Four glasses of wine with dinner
in Britain: you're the designated driver.
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[laughter, applause]
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[whooping]
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Nothing, though, sums up the differing
attitudes to drinking in the UK and the US
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than what we encourage our children,
our little babies,
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to leave out Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.
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Do you know what the kids in America
leave out Santa Claus on Christmas Eve?
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Milk and cookies.
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"Hey, Santa, I'm gonna leave
this big old glass of milk.
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It's packed full of calcium
so your bones can be strong and sturdy.
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Love you, Santa. Santa Claus, love you.
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I love you, Santa Claus."
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What do the children of Britain leave out
Santa Claus every Christmas Eve?
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Sherry.
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Neat liquor,
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which we have our children believe
Santa Claus is downing at every house,
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whilst operating a sleigh.
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"Could we leave him a cookie, Daddy?"
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[northern accent]
"No, eating's cheating, you bastard."
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[laughter]
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"Go grab some tinnies for the elves,
you little..."
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"Daddy?"
"What?"
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"Why am I American,
and you're from the north of England?"
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"I don't know. Jack messed up your voice.
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Now he's messing up mine.
I've gone Jamaican."
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[laughter]
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Every time.
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I probably should have asked,
before I launched into all of that...
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And before I ask you this question
as an audience as well,
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I need you to understand
something very important.
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This...
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is a safe space.
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[laughter]
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Seriously, OK? This is the trust tree.
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Everyone climbs and nobody falls.
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[laughter]
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Yeah, even I find that one
a bit camp, but...
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[laughter]
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Trust tree. OK? Safe space.
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Do we have any non-drinkers in?
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-[one person shouts]
-Burn the witch!
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[laughter]
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Sorry. Sorry.
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Yes. That was very loud.
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This guy nearly shat himself. I'm sorry.
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I didn't meant that, madam. Sorry.
I have a huge amount of respect to you.
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I come from a family of heavy drinkers.
My dad, he drinks a lot.
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This is how big a drinker my dad is.
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I took my dad to a McDonald's
the other day, for the first time ever.
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He asked to see a wine list.
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Very confusing, McDonald's.
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They've got salads, carrot batons...
I swear, we are a year away from McQuinoa.
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[laughter]
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That's why I like KFC.
KFC, they know what they are.
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There's no healthy options in a KFC.
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No airs and graces with a KFC.
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Here is some deep-fried shit
for you to eat out of a bucket.
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We'll even chuck in a wet-wipe because
we can't trust you to wash your hands.
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Go on, eat it piggy.
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"I wonder what the Colonel's
secret blend of herbs and spices is."
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Salt!
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[laughter]
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It's not rocket science.
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I just want to make clear,
I've never complained in a restaurant.
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I'm British.
I would never complain in a restaurant.
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If I'm with someone that complains
in a restaurant, I die inside.
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"Don't say anything. Don't make a scene.
Just eat the nut, all right?
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We have an EpiPen at home.
We will deal with it later.
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What? No.
Everything's wonderful. She's loving it.
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Her neck is always that big.
That's very normal."
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Ex-girlfriend, Ella.
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Or Nut-Ella, as we used to call her.
No, no!
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[laughter, applause]
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Oh, God rest her soul.
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[laughter]
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The other thing my dad can't get
his head round is technology.
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I've got a great prank that I play
on my dad. You've got to try this.
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If your parent is a bit of a technophobe,
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what I do, is I wait for my mum to buy
a new bit of machinery for their house.
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Doesn't matter what it is:
laptop, coffee machine, new printer.
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And then I tell my 76-year-old dad
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that said piece of machinery...
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is voice-activated.
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[laughter]
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Oh, my God, you have not known true joy
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until you have seen a 76-year-old man tell
an electric blanket to go fuck itself.
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I'm not being ageist, OK?
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I think it's very important
that we respect our elders.
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I was visiting my granny recently.
My dear old Nan.
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You know. Got to check the will--
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Check they're well.
Check that she is well.
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[laughter]
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My granny is very much
from a different generation.
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Oh, my God, we were clearing out
her house the other day.
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We found some quite dubious things
on her shelves.
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Oh, dear.
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I know. I know.
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I took her aside. I was, like,
"Granny, come on. It is 2017.
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Who is still using VHS?"
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[laughter]
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Yeah, the racist doll is not great either.
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Also, this is exactly as I found it
in her house.
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If you're going to have
your racist doll out on display,
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which you shouldn't,
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please do not have your racist doll
out on display
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above your copy of Nelson Mandela's
Long Walk to Freedom.
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[laughter, applause]
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She's unbelievable, my granny.
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She's in a nursing home now,
and she sits there in her commode.
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You know, the chair
with the potty underneath it.
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-[man laughs]
-That's not the funny bit, mate!
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She sits there on her potty, knitting,
watching Murder She Wrote. Right?
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And she doesn't have a lot of fun.
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And it got me thinking,
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because I saw this article recently
about the writer, Aldous Huxley.
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This is such bullshit. I saw a tweet.
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[laughter]
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Do you know what Aldous Huxley
asked for on his deathbed?
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LSD.
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Now that is the attitude
more old people need to be taking.
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More of the elderly need to start
experimenting with recreational drugs.
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I'm not saying do drugs
when you're younger. That's a bad idea.
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You might get into them.
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But when you're 85,
living in a nursing home,
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fuck it!
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If I lived in a nursing home
I'd get on it all the time.
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Also, they've got the perfect set-up:
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disposable income, nurses on call,
daytime television,
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a chair you can shit yourself in...
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It's bloody perfect.
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I'm just bored of hearing people
talking about their grandparents
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when they go, "How did your granny die?"
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"She died in her sleep."
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Like that's a good thing.
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Who wants to die in their sleep?
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I want my granny to go out
all guns blazing.
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I want people to ask me,
"Jack, how did your granny die?"
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"She dropped an E and had a stroke whilst
doing the worm to Antiques Roadshow. "
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[laughter, cheering, whistling]
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Don't do drugs, kids.
That's not what I'm saying.
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I'm not into the drugas.
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I did have an experience recently.
I went away on a lads' weekend.
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Oi, oi! Lads! Lads! Lads!
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I was with Digby and Rupert and...
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[laughter]
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Quite the threesome...
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That sounded less gay in my head.
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That's the most overrated thing
in the world: the threesome.
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Sorry, this is a bit of an aside.
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I had a threesome once, at school, OK?
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It was with this beautiful
Italian exchange student called Maria
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and this chap called Monkford, and...
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00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,840
No, you just get in each other's way.
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Eventually I had to be, like, "I think
it's best if you leave us two together."
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Fortunately, she was very understanding.
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[laughter]
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Monkford. Odd chap,
but a bloody good teacher.
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[shocked laughter]
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So, lads' weekend. Lads' weekend, OK?
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We went to Amsterdam.
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So, we're in Amsterdam and me
and my chums, Rupes and Diggers,
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00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,120
we're down this kind of back street,
193
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,040
and one them, Diggers: naughty guy.
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00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,600
Diggers is smoking some of the weedy puff.
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[laughter]
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I'm not into it, as you probably guessed
by the fact that I called it weedy puff.
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"Weed."
That's how normal people talk, Jack.
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So he was smoking some weed,
and he turned to me and he went,
199
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:04,120
"Jack, do you want a suck on this?"
Not... not suck. Not suck.
200
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,040
That is not the word that he used.
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00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,920
That is not what he...
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00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,000
This is going well.
203
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,320
"I was with my friend
and he asked if I wanted to suck..."
204
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,720
That is not...
205
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,520
I'm having a brain burp.
Not suck. What's the word?
206
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,320
Puff! Thank you to the crack whore
down the front.
207
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,720
"Do you want a puff on this weed?"
208
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,360
Anyway, I said no because,
you know, we're in public.
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00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,520
It's not a great look.
What if someone sees?
210
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,800
He went, "Jack, two things.
Firstly, it's legal.
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00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,600
Secondly, we're in Holland.
No one knows who the fuck you are.
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00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,640
Smoke it."
213
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,800
Now, I'm not proud.
I gave in to the peer pressure.
214
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:48,120
This is why you cannot smoke a spliff
on the street in the year 2017.
215
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,600
I shit you not.
216
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:53,040
As I put this spliff to my lips
I looked up,
217
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:57,320
and the bloody Google Maps car
with the 360 camera was driving past.
218
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,800
[huge laugh, cheering]
219
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,080
[applause]
220
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,840
I read something about Google
the other day.
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00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,560
You know last year, in the UK,
from advertising alone,
222
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,200
Google made 66 million pounds.
223
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,440
Which, after tax, is 66 million pounds.
224
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,320
[laughter]
225
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,360
We're going to some highbrow territory
this evening.
226
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,160
We have silliness and gimmicks
at the beginning,
227
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,000
but this is a sophisticated show.
228
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,760
I'm nearly 30 now. OK?
229
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:48,400
I had a dinner party the other night.
We talked about mortgage rates.
230
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,520
Sophisticated show
for a sophisticated audience.
231
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,480
So, dick pics...
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00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:56,360
[laughter]
233
00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,720
This is actually a very serious story, OK?
Very serious story.
234
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,320
Because last year I had a dick pic scare.
235
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,640
[woman cackles]
236
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,400
Why is there laughing over there?
237
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,720
I said that this was a serious story
238
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,920
and if I'm going to share it with you,
there needs to be mutual respect.
239
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,080
Don't blow down the trust tree.
240
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,720
[laughter]
241
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,400
Serious story.
242
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,360
So, last year I had a dick pic scare.
243
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,160
[woman cackles]
244
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,640
A friend of mine calls me up.
245
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,040
He's, like, "Jack, there is a dick pic
of you circulating online."
246
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,080
-[woman cackles]
-Fucking watch it.
247
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,880
"There's a dick pic of you online."
I was so distressed.
248
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
"Oh, my God, this can't be happening."
249
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,960
Then I thought, wait a sec,
this really can't be happening.
250
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,720
I have never taken a photograph
of my penis in my life.
251
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,080
So, unless they've got hold
of Mr Monkford's laptop, this ain't me.
252
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,920
[laughter]
253
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,200
I call my agent. I'm very distressed.
254
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,760
I'm, like, "Make this go away.
Get a lawyer. Shut it down. Make it stop."
255
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,480
Hung up the phone.
So distressed. Heart pounding.
256
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,880
My friend sends me a link
to this dick pic.
257
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,760
I click on it.
Comes up on my computer screen.
258
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,360
I mean, 100%, this was not
a photograph of me.
259
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,320
But, my God, it was...
260
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,120
the most beautiful penis I've ever seen.
261
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,720
It was unbelievable.
It was long and tanned and sinuous.
262
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,960
It looked like Aslan's tail. Magical!
263
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,920
[laughter]
264
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,440
My agent called me back:
"What do you want to do?"
265
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,440
I was, like, "You know,
I think we should just leave it."
266
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,040
I was re-tweeting it.
I was favoriting it.
267
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,120
I made it my profile picture.
You've got to own these things.
268
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,440
Got to own these things.
269
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,360
This is the thing, OK.
270
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,760
I have had these scandals in my career,
and I'm always on the verge of another.
271
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,480
Because I put my foot in it.
I can't help it.
272
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,840
I nearly did it on a big scale last year.
273
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,440
Last year I was asked to host
the Royal Variety Show.
274
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:04,480
The prestigious, annual charity gala,
attended by a member of the Royal Family.
275
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,520
The year that I hosted it,
it was attended by Prince Harry.
276
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,680
I was, like,
277
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,320
"I'll start by paying Prince Harry
a compliment. Get him on side."
278
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:17,040
So I walked out. Five thousand people.
Black tie. Royal Albert Hall.
279
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,080
I was, like, "Your Royal Highness,
I would like to start
280
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,560
by complimenting you
on the bravery and the courage
281
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,880
that you showed in Afghanistan.
282
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,880
A ginger in that heat? Fuck me!"
283
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:35,920
I'm glad you laughed, because on the night
that one went down like a dead corgi.
284
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,840
[laughter]
285
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,120
From there on in, hard work.
286
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,600
End of the show, the one thing you've got
to do, as host of the Royal Variety Show,
287
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:48,240
is lead the cast in a bow
to the royal box.
288
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,800
So, I'm stood on stage, end of the show,
289
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,320
next to Sir Elton John,
national treasure,
290
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,360
and One Direction, regional trinkets,
291
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,600
and they're there, and they're there.
292
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,560
And do you know why I didn't
do the bow to the royal box?
293
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,520
Because Elton John, Sir Elton John,
national treasure,
294
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,400
a man who I have
never met before in my life,
295
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,760
thought it would be funny, live on TV,
296
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,360
in front of 5,000 people
at the Royal Albert Hall,
297
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,880
as I was about to bow to the royal box,
298
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,280
he leant in and whispered in my ear,
299
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,920
"I wouldn't bend over
in front of me, love."
300
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,280
[laughter]
301
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,320
[applause]
302
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:32,400
And there's cameras everywhere.
They caught the exact moment he said it.
303
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,560
Pulled out of the bow.
304
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,960
So that was quite bad:
act of treason, live on stage.
305
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:47,640
It gets even worse.
306
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,240
Afterwards, they have
this black tie charity reception.
307
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,840
God, these stories are so relatable.
308
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,440
[laughter]
309
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,040
So, I stupidly decided
that I would invite,
310
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,440
as my plus-one to the charity reception,
my mate, Dave.
311
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,839
Some of them are laughing: "Jack,
you do not have a friend called Dave."
312
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,880
It's short for The Earl of Daventry.
313
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,319
[laughter]
314
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,839
OK, it's a fake name.
He's not called Dave.
315
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,920
I've given him a fake name for this story
because he doesn't come out of it great.
316
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,079
Now, what Dave is:
Dave is your dickhead friend.
317
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,599
So, I'm hanging out
with dickhead friend at the bar.
318
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,480
You don't hang out with a dickhead friend.
You man mark him.
319
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,800
So I'm man-marking dickhead friend
at the bar. Prince Harry walks over.
320
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,520
Prince Harry walks over
with two armed security personnel.
321
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:42,840
Just remember that for later on
in the story. These guys have guns.
322
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,160
So, he walks over.
Me and Gabe stood here, at the bar.
323
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,960
Dave, not Gabe.
324
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,040
That went well.
325
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,320
Give him a fake name and then
just say his actual name out loud.
326
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,520
What do I do? Do I start again?
327
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,120
Fuck. No...
328
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,400
[applause, cheering]
329
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,600
I can't believe I've done that.
330
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,240
I normally do that story
and I just say his name,
331
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,600
and the Netflix lawyer was, like,
"You have to give him a fake name."
332
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:23,200
So I made up the name
and then I just said his actual name.
333
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,120
Can they beep it?
334
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:30,720
What have I done?
335
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,040
OK.
336
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,920
Well, his name isn't Dave.
337
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,320
His name is Gabe.
So, I guess we're going with Gabe.
338
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,360
Gabe Turner is his full name.
339
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,880
[roaring cheer and applause]
340
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,920
He's on Twitter.
341
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,960
[laughter]
342
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,080
This goes out all over the world.
343
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,920
He's gonna kill me.
344
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,520
OK. Sorry.
345
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,920
Stop crying and get on with the show.
346
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,000
OK. Right.
347
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,240
So, Prince Harry walks over to me
and Gabe Emmanuel Turner...
348
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,400
[laughter]
349
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,160
So, Gabe, Dave, whatever.
I've forgotten his name.
350
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,880
Gabe, OK, is a big guy.
351
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,160
He's got cauliflower ears, shaved head,
like, big rugby player, all right.
352
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,440
The kind of guy you wouldn't want
to throw under the bus.
353
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,560
[laughter]
354
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,080
Anyway, Gabe is a big guy.
Prince Harry walks over.
355
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,160
He decides he's gonna do a little joke.
He walks over.
356
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,480
He's, like, "Mr Whitehall,
is this your bodyguard?"
357
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,440
I was, like, "That's so funny, because
he's very tall. You're so amusing."
358
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,240
[idiotic laughter]
359
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,200
[gagging noise]
360
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,720
Probably cut that bit out as well.
361
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,280
[laughter]
362
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,160
So, no, the problem is,
363
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,960
I was so busy laughing
at Harry's little joke,
364
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,200
I didn't realize what was
unfolding next to me.
365
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,840
It was like one of those moments in life
where everything happens in slow motion.
366
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,200
I turned to my left.
367
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,880
I could see that my dickhead friend
was gearing up to drop a clanger
368
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,760
but there was nothing that I could do
to stop it from happening.
369
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:30,360
Do you know what his response was,
to getting called a bodyguard?
370
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,120
By the fifth in line to the throne?
371
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,960
At a black tie charity reception?
372
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,640
He went, "Oi oi, fuck off, Ron Weasley."
373
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,960
[laughter, applause]
374
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,320
Shots fired. Shots fired.
375
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:04,120
To be fair to Harry, he leaves it
just long enough for me to think
376
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,600
that my friend is about to be executed
by the security services.
377
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,760
And then, cool as you like, goes,
378
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,880
"Well, I'd rather look like Ron Weasley
than Shrek."
379
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,720
[laughter]
380
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,080
Thanks to Gabe Turner,
my career over here was in tatters.
381
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,960
The knighthood was out the window.
382
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,800
I was never gonna be allowed
on TV ever again.
383
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,480
But I was, like, it's fine.
384
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:37,320
Because this is gonna be the year
that I break America.
385
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,600
[whooping]
386
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,480
No, don't whoo.
America, very much still intact.
387
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,160
[laughter]
388
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,800
I got an American manager.
389
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,240
Chad, the American manager.
390
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,280
Never heard more crap come out
of a man's mouth in my life.
391
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,080
"Kid, what you gotta think about me
is that I'm not your manager.
392
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:59,400
I'm your team mate. OK?
And there is no 'I' in team."
393
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,040
No, but there is one in "bullshit."
394
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,720
[laughter]
395
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,440
Tricked me into signing with him,
did Chad, as well.
396
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,600
He was, like, "You sign with me,
there is a movie with a part in it.
397
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,560
Oh, my God. This part, it was written
for you kid. It was written for you.
398
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,800
I represent the director.
You sign with me, the part is yours."
399
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,200
I was, like, "Great, thanks Chad.
Sign me up."
400
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,920
Joined the agency. Auditioned for the part
that was "written for me."
401
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,200
Didn't get it.
402
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:28,480
[laughter]
403
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,560
Went to see the film six months later.
404
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,840
Do you know who was playing the part
that was "written for me"?
405
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,720
Idris Elba.
406
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,640
[laughter]
407
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,400
Idris Elba.
408
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,200
I'm not having a pop.
Obviously, Idris is a great actor.
409
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:51,480
And in hindsight, he made a much better
Nelson Mandela than I would have.
410
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,360
"I have been on a long walk to freedom."
No, it wasn't right.
411
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,360
Don't do the voice.
412
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,200
It's not even the worst audition
Chad got me.
413
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,960
The worst audition came
when I was in America last.
414
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,120
Before I tell you what this was for,
415
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,840
I need to give some of you a little bit
of back-story about my acting career.
416
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:16,240
When I was at school
I was a big fan of drama.
417
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,480
I know. Shock, horror.
418
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,800
[laughter]
419
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,720
Not the only fan of drama, though.
420
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,280
The other guy that was
really into drama at my school
421
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,640
was a chap called Robert Pattinson.
422
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,360
There he is. Young R Patz,
star of the Twilight films.
423
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,560
And, every time there was
a school play at my school,
424
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,280
Robert Pattinson would get cast
in the lead role,
425
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,280
and villager 17...
426
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,600
[laughter]
427
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,360
would go to this guy.
428
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,520
[laughter]
429
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,320
Yeah. Laugh it up!
430
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,120
For some reason, my drama teacher
wanted the star of his play
431
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,840
to be the young James Dean
and not the young K D Lang.
432
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:57,400
[laughter]
433
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,680
It's fair to say that, over the years,
I've built up resentment towards R Patz.
434
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:02,960
He became my rival.
435
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,120
Rival's a strong word.
436
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,160
Nemesis.
437
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,840
He is my nemesis.
438
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,040
I've made jokes about him before.
439
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,440
I've called him a wooden actor.
I've written an entire show about him.
440
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,120
I have milked that titty dry
441
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,360
for every droplet
of its bitter, bitter milk.
442
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,520
Eventually, one day I was, like,
"You need to put that anger away in a box.
443
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,640
You need to hide it away
and you need to get on with your life."
444
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:32,600
And I vowed that I would never speak about
Robert Pattinson on stage ever again.
445
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,160
And it was going really well.
446
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,480
Until Chad called me up out of the blue.
447
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,920
He was, like, "Kid, oh, my God,
I got you an audition for a movie.
448
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,720
This part is amazing, and get this:
449
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:50,480
in this movie you would be
starring opposite...
450
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,000
Robert Pattinson."
451
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,240
OMG.
452
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,040
FML.
453
00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,640
WTF.
454
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,760
And, you know what the word was
that chimed? "Opposite."
455
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,240
Not below. Not beneath.
Not behind Robert Pattinson.
456
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,160
Opposite Robert Pattinson.
457
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,440
After all these years
of feeling inadequate,
458
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,200
finally, me and my nemesis
were on a level playing field
459
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:15,640
and it felt amazing.
460
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,600
I was, like, "Chad, tell me
about the part. What are we?
461
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,160
A couple of swashbuckling heroes?
You know, good cop, bad cop?
462
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:26,120
Two dashing gents competing
for the hand of a fair maiden?"
463
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,360
He went, "No, not quite.
464
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,680
In this movie, you would be playing Matt,
and Matt..."
465
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,520
Get ready for it.
466
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,280
"Matt is Robert Pattinson's character's
467
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,720
mentally handicapped brother."
468
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,920
[hoots of laughter]
469
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:49,120
Yes.
470
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,840
I thought it was a tasteless joke as well.
471
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,880
Ten minutes later,
that dropped into my inbox.
472
00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,360
It was a genuine audition to play
the younger brother of Robert Pattinson
473
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:04,720
with, to use the politically correct term,
Chad, learning difficulties.
474
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,440
I had to go away and have
a little think about this offer.
475
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,880
I told my friends.
They all thought it was hilarious.
476
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,040
I told my father.
477
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:17,640
My father, slightly more pragmatic
about the whole situation.
478
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,520
He went, "Well,
you've got to go for it, son.
479
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,480
Those kind of parts are Oscar bait."
480
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,000
[laughter]
481
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,600
"Look at history:
What's Eating Gilbert Grape,
482
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,560
Rain Man, Forrest Gump...
483
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,280
You know what they say, son:
play a mong, get a gong."
484
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:36,000
[laughter]
485
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,640
[inaudible]
486
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,520
No, they do not say that.
487
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,360
You have just said that.
488
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,080
But, here's where the ego of the actor
kicks in.
489
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,600
Within about five minutes I'm thinking,
"Well, he has got a point.
490
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,440
This is my chance to prove to the world
that I'm a serious actor.
491
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,440
I'm taking the audition."
492
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,920
It was the weirdest audition
I have ever done.
493
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:07,880
The first thing that was unusual
about this audition
494
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,720
is that there was no script.
495
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,120
I was told that I would just have to walk
into the room, with the casting director,
496
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,320
and improvise in character.
497
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,520
Well, I had to ask some questions.
498
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,600
I went in.
The casting director was there.
499
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,880
I was, like, "Um, hello,
500
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,800
I just needed to know, um,
501
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,360
how...
502
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,280
mentally, you know...
503
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,120
do you want me to be?"
504
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,360
He said,
"What you're doing now is fantastic."
505
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,040
I haven't started!
506
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,840
The note that came back was amazing.
They referred me to the original email.
507
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,720
"What we want from your character,
508
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,720
everything about him should be
dulled and emotionless.
509
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,680
From facial expressions
to the tone of his voice."
510
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,840
I said, "Is it not gonna look weird
511
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:01,720
if I'm doing the exact same thing
as Robert Pattinson?"
512
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,480
[laughter]
513
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,960
Burn! Yeah.
514
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,240
Yeah, I didn't get the part.
515
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,920
[laughter]
516
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,960
It's fine. It's fine. I didn't want it.
517
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:20,160
My career as an actor
has all been about the near misses.
518
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,200
Harry Potter. I auditioned
for Harry Potter when I was 11.
519
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:27,440
Got so close and was just pipped
to the post by that bitch, Emma Watson.
520
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,880
[laughter]
521
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,920
Frozen. Oh, my gosh.
That was another Chad classic, OK?
522
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,000
Chad calls me up out of the blue.
523
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,760
"Kid, I know you love Disney movies.
How would you like to be in Frozen? "
524
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,720
I was, like, "My God,
which princess am I playing?"
525
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,280
He went, "You're gonna be a troll."
Fine. I'll be a troll.
526
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,840
I played Gothi the Troll in Frozen.
527
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,560
Yeah. We all remember
Gothi the Troll from Frozen.
528
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,640
One of the main parts. Yeah.
529
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,400
One line in Frozen.
530
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,680
This was my one line in Frozen. Ready?
531
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,240
[clears throat]
532
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,400
[squeaky voice]
"I trollfully bid you farewell."
533
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,960
Don't all applaud at once. Jesus.
534
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,040
[cheering]
535
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,880
I'm well aware of how pathetic it was.
536
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,920
But I was so excited about
my one little part in Frozen.
537
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,600
I went in. I nailed it.
538
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,160
I left that sound studio. I told everyone
that I was gonna be in Frozen.
539
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:24,960
"Gonna be the star of a Disney film.
Grab a selfie while you can."
540
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,440
Film comes out.
I am watching Frozen on the screen.
541
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,560
It gets to the bit
in the enchanted forest.
542
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,680
I see my character there in front of me.
543
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,960
Gothi the Troll, the fat little fucker,
right there.
544
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,080
He clears his throat.
545
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:40,480
He goes to speak,
546
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,080
and the camera cuts away to Princess Elsa.
547
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:48,440
And she starts singing some
lame Disney song about being a princess.
548
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,960
I'm sorry. I was shouting at the screen.
549
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:54,160
I was, like,
"Oi, excuse me, Elsa, zip it, bitch.
550
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,160
Gothi had something to say."
551
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,440
[laughter]
552
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,520
Well, I'm asked to leave the cinema.
553
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,160
[laughter]
554
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,160
I call Chad.
I'm, like, "Chad, what happened?
555
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:09,400
I was just watching Frozen
and my line does not appear to be in it."
556
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,200
He was, like, "Oh, kid, I'm so sorry.
I forgot to tell you.
557
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:14,240
Disney called and, unfortunately,
558
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:18,920
your part in the movie
has been reduced to a non-speaking role."
559
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:23,800
"A non-speaking role?
560
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:26,280
Chad, it is an animation.
561
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,840
That means I'm not in it."
562
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,760
"Hey kid, calm down.
You've got to just... let it go."
563
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:36,320
"Let it go?
Don't give me 'let it go'!"
564
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,320
"Like, it's fine.
It's gonna look great on your IMDb."
565
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,480
"Oh, it's gonna look great on my IMDb,
is it, Chad?
566
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:48,320
It's gonna look good that I'm
the 81st listed cast member of 82?
567
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,680
I'm below the guy that made the
grunting noises for the fucking reindeer."
568
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:56,080
[laughter, applause]
569
00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:58,840
"Uncredited."
570
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,600
That is the only evidence
that my performance in Frozen exists.
571
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,360
Which is probably for the best,
given the circumstances.
572
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,640
Thank God there is not a picture of me
doing a press interview
573
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,520
in front of a poster for a film
that I'm not in.
574
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,400
Oh, wait, no. There is.
575
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,200
A picture of me doing an interview
for a film that I'm not in.
576
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,160
And look at that smug face, as well.
577
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,480
You're not in the film, mate.
578
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,280
[laughter]
579
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,320
And that would be fine, if it had
never seen the light of day again.
580
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,360
But, as we've already established,
some of my friends are dickheads.
581
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,920
And one dickhead friend in particular,
582
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,640
Mr Gabe Turner,
583
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,200
found out about
the existence of this picture
584
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:53,880
and thought it would be funny
to share it all over social media.
585
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,360
Not only that:
586
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,840
Gabe figured that if I was promoting
this film that I'm not in,
587
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,200
maybe there are other films
that I'm also not in,
588
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,240
that I could have been promoting.
589
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:08,840
So, the following day, I log onto Facebook
and this is on his wall.
590
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,080
[laughter, applause]
591
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,640
The next day, I log onto Facebook,
and that is on his wall.
592
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,840
And this is the best one.
Time and effort has gone into making it.
593
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:22,080
On the third day I log onto Facebook
and that is on his bloody wall.
594
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:26,640
[laughter, applause, whistling]
595
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,680
The troll got trolled.
596
00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:36,640
[laughter]
597
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:40,520
It's been a challenging year, because
I love Disney more than anyone else.
598
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,600
I love Disney so much,
but it's been challenged this year.
599
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,920
The other thing: I went to America.
600
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,480
I was staying in a hotel for two months
and they messed up my booking.
601
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:53,160
I check in. They're, like, "Sir, there has
been an error with your booking.
602
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,560
It doesn't matter, though.
We're gonna pop you in our sister hotel."
603
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,720
Well, it turned out their sister hotel...
604
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:04,280
was the Disney hotel,
in Disneyland, Anaheim,
605
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:08,160
where they were expecting me to live
for two months of my life.
606
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,280
I went, "No, unfortunately
that cannot happen.
607
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:15,560
I cannot live in Disneyland
because I am a grown man."
608
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,640
I came to America because
I wanted to be put onto a TV show,
609
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,720
not the sex offenders register.
610
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,880
[laughter]
611
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:29,200
And, don't get me wrong, I love hotels.
I love staying in hotels.
612
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:33,280
I love staying in hotels for the same
reason that we all love staying in hotels:
613
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,560
I love stealing from hotels.
614
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,800
And I'm so good at it as well.
I've got it down to a fine art.
615
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:44,760
They've got their little tricks to try
and stop us from nicking their shit.
616
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:46,000
You go into the bathroom
617
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,800
and they've got the shower gel
mounted on a wall bracket,
618
00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,360
which is why I always take a drill.
619
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,720
[laughter]
620
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,480
Or the little passive-aggressive notes.
621
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,160
Have you been into one of those?
I was staying in one.
622
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,080
I open the cupboard. They've got this:
623
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,640
"If you would like this robe,
it will cost you 30 pounds."
624
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,040
So I nicked it and left that.
625
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,560
[laughter, applause]
626
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:19,960
Another one they've got
in the Disney hotel:
627
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:21,520
Disney characters,
628
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,080
embroidered onto all of the towels.
629
00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:25,880
Yes. I know.
630
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,360
That sounds sweet,
631
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,400
until you're drying your bollocks
on the face of the old man from Up.
632
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:36,360
Just there in the bathroom,
tea-bagging a grieving pensioner.
633
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:37,600
"Oh, God...
634
00:34:38,639 --> 00:34:40,360
I'm sorry about your wife."
635
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,280
[laughter]
636
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:51,520
There's too much Disney
in the Disney hotel.
637
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,480
This is the problem. They've got
Disney characters on all of the walls.
638
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,920
Disney wallpaper, Disney bedlinen,
Disney music in the elevators.
639
00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:00,800
Disney characters,
640
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,800
that work at the hotel
as members of staff.
641
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,720
All the main ones.
You know: Cinderella, Aladdin.
642
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,560
Gothi the Troll...
All the famous ones that we love.
643
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:14,040
And they're not allowed to break character
at any point during your stay.
644
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:18,000
Have you got any idea
how fucking annoying that is?
645
00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:21,560
I nearly turned into Jack Nicholson
from The Shining.
646
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:25,200
You check in and Goofy's on reception.
647
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,040
In the restaurant,
Donald Duck's manning the carvery.
648
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:29,800
[makes quacking sound]
649
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,720
I can pinpoint, though,
the exact moment...
650
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,200
that my childhood died.
651
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,560
I'd been there for two weeks.
652
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:42,000
I'm in my room. I'm tired. I'm alone.
653
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:44,640
I call down to the front desk.
654
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:47,840
Mickey Mouse answers the phone.
655
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,200
[high voice] "Hey, hey, hey buddy.
What can I do for you today?"
656
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:55,040
"Mickey...
657
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:59,400
I need to activate the porn channels
on my TV."
658
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:03,400
[riotous laughter]
659
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:08,360
Inner child: dead.
660
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:12,200
You don't want this.
These are your heroes.
661
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,560
Having an argument with Simba
at the front desk
662
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,360
about your itemized bill.
663
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,200
"I want to speak with someone more senior.
Fetch me...
664
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:21,120
Mufasa."
665
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:22,560
[laughter]
666
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,000
Not good at complaining.
667
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:30,240
There's certain situations in life, right,
where every time I fall apart.
668
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:31,640
Complaining is one of them.
669
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:34,600
Passport control.
That's another. Can't do it.
670
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,800
And I don't have anything to hide.
671
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,440
[laughter]
672
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:44,440
It doesn't help that I have
the creepiest passport photo
673
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,120
that has ever been taken.
674
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,000
People, thinking you've got
a bad passport photo,
675
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:51,120
you have not seen anything yet.
676
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:53,080
Brace yourselves...
677
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:54,920
for this shit.
678
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:56,800
[laughter]
679
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:58,920
What is that?
680
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,280
I look like I've just taken
Liam Neeson's daughter.
681
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,960
Yes. Very funny.
"Benedict." We can all read.
682
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:10,560
[laughter]
683
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,520
So, every time I approach
passport control, that is in my head.
684
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:16,080
I'm about to hand that over.
685
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:21,840
It does not excuse how much I fall apart
under the most basic of questioning.
686
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,040
I walk up. I'm, like, "Hello."
687
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:26,960
"Where are you traveling from?"
"France... no, Spain.
688
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:30,880
Shit, sorry, Italy. Didn't sleep on the
plane. Drugs didn't work.
689
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:33,800
Not drugs, drugs.
I mean, drugs like sleeping pill drugs.
690
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:37,000
I don't have any drugs on me.
I'm not a mule. Don't look at my bottom.
691
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,200
I have explosive diarrhea...
Not like a bomb.
692
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,560
Shit! Just said 'bomb'.
Well, it's just a word.
693
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,560
The more you say it, the less offensive
it becomes. Bomb!
694
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,200
Bomb, bomb, bomb! You're all
looking at me like I'm a terrorist.
695
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:51,160
I promise you, I'm not a terrorist.
I'm just plain old Jack.
696
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:54,960
'Hi, Jack.' Not hijack. Shit!
No, don't shoot!"
697
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,840
[laughter, whooping, cheering]
698
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,320
[someone whistles]
699
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:11,120
Here's another one
I've never understood at airports.
700
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:14,560
Why do people think it's acceptable
to cut in line at airports?
701
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,440
Never acceptable to barge the line.
All right?
702
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,920
Some people think there are exceptions.
703
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,880
Like, if you're late.
704
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:23,760
Not an excuse.
705
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,800
I was waiting to check in,
in the airport.
706
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,240
This woman comes barging to the front
707
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:30,880
and proffers this bullshit:
708
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,000
"Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
709
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,680
I've got to get a flight."
710
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:36,040
[laughter]
711
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,080
Well, no shit, Sherlock.
712
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,520
We're in a fucking airport.
713
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,720
Why do you think I'm here?
To buy a big Toblerone?
714
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:49,840
Please, let me get out of your way
with these bags which I take everywhere.
715
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:51,800
Back of the line!
716
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,840
Is what I wanted to say.
717
00:38:57,920 --> 00:38:59,160
[laughter]
718
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:02,400
Unfortunately, as I'm British,
that came out as:
719
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,840
"Please, after you... dickhead."
720
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,160
[laughter]
721
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:11,280
The celebrity queue-barge.
Not acceptable.
722
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:13,040
I've seen that happen first-hand.
723
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,560
I was in Disneyland, the park.
Thunder Mountain.
724
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,760
Got to make the most of these situations.
725
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,760
In the line, 30 minutes.
726
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:23,920
All of a sudden,
this little jumped-up Disney star,
727
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,120
this little, kind of,
precocious Justin Bieber type,
728
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,280
with his entourage,
729
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,240
swept to the front of the queue.
730
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:34,880
All the Americans were fine with it.
I'm sorry. I'm British.
731
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:36,400
I had to say something.
732
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:40,240
I had a full-blown argument
with his manager, then and there.
733
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,120
She kept name-dropping
this show that he was on,
734
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:44,760
like I gave a shit.
735
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,600
She kept going, "He is from Make a Wish."
736
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,920
I was, like, "Never heard of it."
737
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:55,160
Arrogant little bastard wearing a cap
so no one would recognize him.
738
00:39:55,240 --> 00:39:57,160
She kept going, "He's not got long."
739
00:39:57,240 --> 00:39:59,680
I'm, like, "We've all got
places to be, love."
740
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,640
[shocked laughter]
741
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:09,120
Well, that one divided the room.
742
00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,360
[laughter]
743
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,760
Don't worry. That is a joke.
I didn't actually say that.
744
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,000
But I thought of it.
745
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:20,760
So I'm going to hell.
746
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,320
I hate travelling.
747
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,000
The other reason I hate travelling is,
I can't sleep in public.
748
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,560
And I can't sleep in public
because I sleep with my eyes open.
749
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,000
Medical condition,
not just a habit from boarding school:
750
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,120
"Watch it."
751
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:44,440
Four percent of the population sleep
with their eyes open. Anyone else? No one.
752
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:47,440
There might be.
We don't know they've nodded off.
753
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,840
[laughter]
754
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,760
If I fall asleep with my contact lenses in
it's pretty peculiar.
755
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,120
A friend of mine took a photograph of me
passed out in public.
756
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,600
This is the look.
757
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,800
Oh, yeah. Hello, ladies!
758
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,640
[laughter]
759
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:10,160
Such an embarrassing photo
for me to show you.
760
00:41:10,240 --> 00:41:12,320
Please don't tell anyone
that I was on a bus.
761
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:14,600
[laughter]
762
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,960
It's so bad, this situation, so bad,
763
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:22,760
that someone complained about me
once on a plane.
764
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:27,360
I know. I was, like,
"It is a medical condition, OK?"
765
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:29,600
But, looking back on it now,
766
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,280
I can see it from
my fellow passenger's perspective.
767
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:36,640
Because he did not know
that I slept with my eyes open.
768
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:38,200
Also,
769
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,520
not the only trick that my body
plays on me when I fall asleep.
770
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:44,600
Yeah. A couple of you
are ahead of me here.
771
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:48,120
I imagine, for my fellow passenger,
it was quite unnerving
772
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,800
that, for the duration
of a three-hour flight,
773
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:53,280
every time he turned to his left,
774
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:57,400
the passenger in the seat next to him
appeared to be slumped there,
775
00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,240
gazing into his eyes,
776
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,640
drool tumbling from my bottom lip,
777
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:04,240
nursing a semi.
778
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:09,440
[raucous laughter]
779
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:12,280
[applause]
780
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,360
I hate travelling on the plane so much.
781
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,200
I'm a nervous flyer as well.
782
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,240
And I don't think they do enough
to help us nervous flyers.
783
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,240
Safety demonstration.
Can we drop that already?
784
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:31,720
Why do we have to start every flight
with them performing a little pantomime
785
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:35,200
entitled, The Horrific Ways
You Could Die on This Plane.
786
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:36,720
[laughter]
787
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,280
Also, if you're gonna keep it, update it.
788
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:41,720
I think I speak for us all when I say,
789
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,920
we have got the seat belt fastening down.
790
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:48,720
We have a routine on planes.
791
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:52,320
And everyone's used to the routine,
so no one questions it.
792
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:56,040
Well, I'm the guy
who questions the routine.
793
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,520
Finally, this is some relatable material.
Air travel: we all do that.
794
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:02,800
Jack Whitehall, everyman comedian.
795
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:05,200
Relatable.
796
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,280
So, I'm in my flat bed on the top deck...
797
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,640
[laughter]
798
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,000
...doing something that we've all done
loads of times on the plane.
799
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:17,760
Drinking a glass of champagne.
No, no.
800
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,960
Lifting up the blind
for take-off and landing.
801
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:24,920
And, for the first time ever,
I decided I would ask the stewardess
802
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:29,960
why I had to lift up the blind
for take-off and landing.
803
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:32,280
It is a question...
804
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,080
that I regret asking.
805
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:37,640
Because I have fact-checked her response,
806
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:42,360
and this is the genuine reason
on the Civil Aviation website.
807
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,960
I said, "Madam, out of interest,
808
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:46,680
why do...
809
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,160
I have to lift up the blind,
810
00:43:49,240 --> 00:43:51,200
for take-off and landing?"
811
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:52,560
She looked at me.
812
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,320
Do you know what she said?
813
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:56,080
She went, "Well, sir,
814
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:58,400
if something were to go wrong
with the engine,
815
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,760
then you are the pilot's eyes."
816
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,880
[laughter]
817
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,280
I beg your fucking pardon?
818
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:11,000
I'm not ready
for that level of responsibility.
819
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:14,040
And no one told me that
when I purchased the ticket.
820
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:17,680
I was very much under the impression
that I was travelling as a passenger,
821
00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:19,480
not bloody co-pilot.
822
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:22,600
Also, I think you may have
picked the wrong guy.
823
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:25,960
I'm the guy you want,
keeping an eye out for engine failure?
824
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,240
This guy is your look out? Really?
825
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:31,360
Also, how does that scenario play out
in your head
826
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,040
while we're nosediving towards the ground?
827
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,680
I look out of the window and see
smoke billowing from the engine.
828
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:41,280
I'm meant to just amble up to the cockpit,
put my head through the door:
829
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:44,120
"Awfully sorry, gents.
Your eyes in the back, here.
830
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:47,880
I don't know whether you're aware of this
but one of the wings has fallen off.
831
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,320
You might want to buckle up.
832
00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:52,960
I will send someone through
to show you how it's done. Thank you."
833
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,000
[applause]
834
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:58,440
[cheering]
835
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:02,760
"The pilot's eyes"!
836
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:06,000
I'll be the pilot's flapping asshole,
all right?
837
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,440
I don't want any responsibility
on a plane.
838
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,120
Like the emergency exit row seat.
839
00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:13,560
That one with the leg room.
840
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,400
Does anyone take that when they fly?
841
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,920
Oh, you're braver than me.
842
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:21,880
No amount of leg room in the world
843
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,600
is worth that level of responsibility.
844
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:28,520
Because I've sat in that seat.
I know what happens.
845
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:32,800
She comes up to you, the stewardess,
at the beginning of the flight.
846
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:36,280
She goes, "Sir, if we needed you to,
847
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:38,200
could you open that door?"
848
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:40,120
And you go...
849
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:41,920
"Yep."
850
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:43,640
[laughter]
851
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:45,720
And that's it.
852
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:50,080
There is no training
or psychological assessment.
853
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,400
If that's an important job,
which I suspect it is,
854
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:57,600
I want the people to be screened.
I want there to be an auditioning process.
855
00:45:57,680 --> 00:46:00,920
I want to meet every fucker on the plane
and take a vote.
856
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,280
It cannot just come down to the person
857
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,880
that was willing to pay 15 quid more.
858
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:10,320
Do you ever see the person in that seat
and think, "Fucking really?"
859
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:12,800
I was walking onto the plane
the other day.
860
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:14,880
The guy in the exit row seat
861
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,280
had spilt a milkshake all down his front.
862
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:21,560
I stopped dead in my tracks.
Is this a wind-up?
863
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:23,280
This is the guy,
864
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:26,280
when the shit hits the fan at 30,000 feet,
865
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:30,640
our lives are in the hands
of fucking Milkshake Mike over here?
866
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:34,960
He's gonna open that door?
The guy can't even open a bloody Nesquik.
867
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,080
I take myself out of the equation. Right?
868
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,840
Because I can't trust myself.
869
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:51,680
Because we don't know
what we'd be like in an emergency
870
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:52,760
until it happens.
871
00:46:53,240 --> 00:46:55,520
Yes, we all like to think we'd be a hero.
872
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,680
We all like to think we'd be the person
873
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,040
that would be tearing off that door,
874
00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:02,560
picking up little old ladies,
875
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:05,600
sending them down the inflatable slide.
876
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:08,840
[laughter]
877
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:11,720
I'm not sure that's how you do it.
878
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:13,640
[laughter]
879
00:47:13,720 --> 00:47:17,560
But there is a strong possibility that,
in fact, in an emergency situation,
880
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,320
I would be the kind of person
881
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:22,840
that would be hurling women and children
out of the life raft
882
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:24,680
to make room for my luggage.
883
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:26,640
[laughter]
884
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,760
I've never paddled a boat.
That's what we've learnt!
885
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:38,040
It's like a gondola. What the fuck?
886
00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:41,720
I could be a bastard. I don't know.
887
00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:45,120
In fact, I think I do know. I would be.
888
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,800
That's the only bit I do like
about safety demonstration:
889
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:53,160
"Please make sure you attach
your oxygen mask before helping others."
890
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:55,680
Yep, not gonna be a problem.
891
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:57,280
[laughter]
892
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,000
"We meant children." Yeah.
893
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:03,440
The only way I am attaching
an oxygen mask to a child before me
894
00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:06,080
is if it's a fat kid
that I can use as an airbag.
895
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,960
[shocked laughter]
896
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:11,440
Wow. That's the one that got you.
897
00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:12,480
[laughter]
898
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,160
Make a Wish? Fine.
Fat kids? No.
899
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:19,480
I'm in a... relationship.
900
00:48:19,720 --> 00:48:21,400
A long-term relationship,
901
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:24,280
We're getting to that stage
where she's dropping hints.
902
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:25,720
We're not married yet.
903
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:27,880
Posh girls are the worst for hints.
904
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,440
Five years in, girlfriend turns to me.
She's, like:
905
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:35,080
"I can't keep introducing you
as my boyfriend. That sounds so childish.
906
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:38,680
I could call you my partner,
but that's quite formal.
907
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:40,120
Lover?
908
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:41,800
Soulmate?"
909
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,040
I was, like, "Landlord is fine."
910
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:46,560
[laughter]
911
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:50,360
"Landlord? And I'm your tenant?"
912
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,680
I was, like, "No, tenants pay rent.
913
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:55,880
You're a squatter."
914
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:58,560
[laughter]
915
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,200
It's fine.
916
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:04,200
That actual girlfriend was evicted,
and the current...
917
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:05,440
[laughter]
918
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:08,320
My current girlfriend is great.
She doesn't pressure me.
919
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:10,120
We have big conversations.
920
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:12,160
The kid conversation keeps coming up.
921
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:15,880
I'm not sure whether I'm necessarily ready
to have a child at the moment.
922
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:19,280
Someone sniggering at the idea
of me reproducing.
923
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,720
Thank you very much for laughing at that.
But you're right.
924
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:24,760
I can't even look after a phone.
925
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,360
And you drop a phone,
you can get a new one.
926
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,080
Doesn't work like that with kids.
927
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:33,080
Same goes with upgrades.
You get a slow one, you're stuck with it.
928
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:41,040
[shouts and applause]
929
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:44,280
That... that was amazing.
930
00:49:44,840 --> 00:49:46,920
As I told that joke, I looked over there
931
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,400
and saw a Dad point at his son.
932
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:59,040
That's made my night.
Thank you very much.
933
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:02,680
Oh, no.
934
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:06,400
What just happened there:
I remembered what the next joke is.
935
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,400
And if you didn't like that one,
you're gonna hate this one.
936
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:13,320
Just can't do it.
937
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:16,040
[man in crowd] Go on!
938
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,720
I'm gonna do it, obviously. Obviously.
939
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,880
If they don't like it, it's your fault.
Peer pressure, OK?
940
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:24,800
OK. Now I've got it. I've got it.
941
00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:28,280
OK, we're talking about having kids
and I'm in bed with my girlfriend.
942
00:50:28,360 --> 00:50:30,400
These are just jokes. It's all fun.
943
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:31,800
[laughter]
944
00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:32,880
I'm sweating.
945
00:50:33,600 --> 00:50:37,000
Right. I'm lying in bed with my girlfriend
and she turns to me.
946
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:42,480
Sorry. She didn't do that.
947
00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:45,200
"What? What's happening?"
948
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,800
Lying in bed, she turns to me,
949
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:51,280
and she throws this curve-ball at me:
950
00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:53,960
"Jack, would you ever consider adoption?"
951
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:56,720
I went, "Well, only if you got pregnant."
952
00:50:57,760 --> 00:50:59,120
[laughter]
953
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:08,760
All my friends now,
they're all getting kids.
954
00:51:08,840 --> 00:51:12,600
Loads of them are getting married.
Loads of my mates are getting married now.
955
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:14,960
I lost four friends last year.
956
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:16,720
[laughter]
957
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:20,040
That sounds like
I'm never gonna see them again.
958
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:23,000
Statistically, two of them
will come crawling back.
959
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,720
[laughter]
960
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,400
Realistically, four.
961
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:31,000
I don't object to people's happiness.
962
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:35,200
What I object to is their delusion
of my level of interest in it, sometimes.
963
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:38,800
Wedding lists. Oh, the wedding register.
964
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:40,040
That is the worst.
965
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:44,840
The first time I got a wedding list
through, I thought it was a wind-up.
966
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:46,680
These are grown adults.
967
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:49,080
"Here is a list
of the gifts that we want."
968
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:53,200
I had to run to the mirror to see whether
I'd grown a beard and a fucking sleigh.
969
00:51:53,280 --> 00:51:55,240
[laughter]
970
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:58,440
I always get to it late as well,
when there's only two things left,
971
00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:01,280
and all you can get them
is a butter knife or a yacht.
972
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:04,520
The problem: these people
are taking the piss.
973
00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:07,800
It's bad enough when it's
something mundane, like plates.
974
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:09,600
They wanted plates the other day.
975
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,200
You didn't have those before?
976
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:16,600
"Yes, we just thought it was time to stop
eating our food directly off the table."
977
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:19,880
Or when they go high-end,
that's even worse.
978
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,360
My friend from university,
my best mate from uni,
979
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:24,360
on his wedding list is asking
980
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:26,960
for a Royal Albert tea set.
981
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:30,960
I'm, like, "Mate, I've seen you eat
Cheerios out of a slipper."
982
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:33,760
[laughter]
983
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:39,720
Forty quid as well,
for the Royal Albert tea set. No way.
984
00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:43,120
In the end, I gave him a kettle
and some mugs that I got for free.
985
00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:45,600
Thank you, Travelodge.
986
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:48,040
[laughter]
987
00:52:51,600 --> 00:52:55,920
The only thing that I like about weddings,
and you must have seen this. It's so good.
988
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,280
The best thing about going to a wedding
989
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:00,560
is bumping into a bloke
990
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:03,560
that you met on the stag weekend,
991
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:06,120
that is now...
992
00:53:06,200 --> 00:53:07,800
with his missus.
993
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:09,560
[laughter]
994
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:12,600
Complete transformation.
995
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:15,360
Gone is the swaggering and posture.
996
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:18,520
Now his whole body is crumpled
like a paper cup.
997
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:23,640
The Borat mankini has been folded away
for a rainy day.
998
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:26,480
Now, a neatly steamed suit.
999
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:29,280
Best still, is when the voice has changed.
1000
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:31,840
All of a sudden,
because they're with their missus,
1001
00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:34,920
they've started talking
like they're in Pride and Prejudice.
1002
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:38,960
You walk over: "Oi, oi, Stevie-boy,
the lager monster!"
1003
00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:41,440
"Greetings and salutations, Jack.
1004
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:45,080
May I introduce you
to my radiant fiancée, Claire?"
1005
00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:46,960
"Oh, the fun vacuum."
1006
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,760
"What? Oh. No, no."
1007
00:53:49,520 --> 00:53:52,840
"You made that joke: she's
the only vacuum that doesn't suck."
1008
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:57,280
"The vicar's sermon was wonderful.
It nearly moved me to tears."
1009
00:53:57,360 --> 00:53:59,840
"Funny, that, because
the last time I saw you crying
1010
00:53:59,920 --> 00:54:03,800
you were led down some stairs in Estonia
by a prostitute with an Adam's apple."
1011
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:06,760
[laughter]
1012
00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:08,720
[inaudible]
1013
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:12,400
I can't handle them. I can't handle stags.
1014
00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:14,600
Every stag I've ever been on,
1015
00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:17,120
there's always one member of the group
1016
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:20,120
that reveals a true darkness
1017
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:21,560
in their soul.
1018
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,200
It's always the one
you least suspect, isn't it?
1019
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:27,120
It's always the quiet one.
1020
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:29,520
The groom's "friend from home."
1021
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:31,840
"This is my mate Colin."
1022
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:33,440
[dorky voice] "Hello!
1023
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:35,680
Oh, the journey I had down here.
1024
00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:38,480
The Hanger Lane gyratory
was chock-a-block.
1025
00:54:38,880 --> 00:54:42,440
Thankfully, I had my good friend
Classic FM to keep me company."
1026
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,880
[dorky laughter]
1027
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:48,560
Yeah, got Colin down: wearing a fleece,
just ordered a Sprite.
1028
00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:51,120
Bit of a square,
but probably a decent enough guy.
1029
00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:53,040
Cut to five hours later.
1030
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:55,560
Colin is being escorted
out of a TGI Friday's
1031
00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:57,480
for shitting in a woman's handbag.
1032
00:54:57,560 --> 00:55:00,040
[laughter]
1033
00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:04,000
The stag-do kitty. That's never worked
in the history of mankind.
1034
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:05,720
The stag-do kitty.
1035
00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:08,280
"Yeah, chaps, we're all
gonna pay into the kitty,
1036
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,000
and then this kitty will last all of us
for the entire weekend."
1037
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,080
Gone within 20 minutes.
1038
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:17,000
"What? There was a grand in there."
1039
00:55:17,080 --> 00:55:19,320
"Oh, yeah, sorry, Colin bought a gun.
1040
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:20,800
He's fucking weird."
1041
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:22,760
[laughter]
1042
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:27,320
Then the journey back from the stag:
the most depressing flight in existence.
1043
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:30,400
You're all there, on the plane.
Shivering wrecks.
1044
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:33,440
Like broken men returning from war.
1045
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:36,400
The deafening silence
throughout the fuselage
1046
00:55:36,480 --> 00:55:39,360
of a thousand stories
that can never be told.
1047
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:42,560
You're sober
for the first time in 72 hours
1048
00:55:42,640 --> 00:55:45,480
and now, only too aware
that you're sat in public
1049
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:48,360
wearing a T-shirt that says
"Lord Bumalot."
1050
00:55:48,440 --> 00:55:50,240
[laughter]
1051
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,840
You think it's bad for you?
1052
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:54,320
You turn to the back of the plane
and there he is.
1053
00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:57,760
Colin, strapped into his seat
like Hannibal Lecter.
1054
00:55:58,080 --> 00:56:01,880
He's got a black eye,
a criminal conviction and hepatitis B.
1055
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,960
The fear slowly creeping across his face
that, come Monday morning,
1056
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:08,760
it's back to work,
teaching in his primary school.
1057
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:10,800
[laughter]
1058
00:56:10,880 --> 00:56:14,440
There's women laughing. I can see
their faces as I'm doing this routine.
1059
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,320
They're laughing,
but looking down their noses at us.
1060
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:21,120
They are tutting away, going,
"Oh, you boys, why do you do it?"
1061
00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:25,120
You know why you don't
have a leg to stand on, ladies?
1062
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:29,720
Because whereas, on a stag weekend,
one of us turns out to be Colin,
1063
00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:31,280
on a hen weekend,
1064
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:32,640
you're all Colin.
1065
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:39,040
[whistles and cheering]
1066
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:47,640
So, I go to a lot of weddings.
1067
00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:51,800
I went to my first Muslim wedding
the other day.
1068
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:53,760
That was an experience.
1069
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:57,800
I learnt the exact extent
of my religious tolerance that day.
1070
00:56:59,800 --> 00:57:01,640
[nervous laughter]
1071
00:57:01,720 --> 00:57:03,240
It's got quite tense in here.
1072
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:05,080
[relieved laughter]
1073
00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:08,240
Don't worry. Me at a Muslim wedding:
what could go wrong?
1074
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:13,240
So we arrived at this wedding.
It was one of my girlfriend's friends.
1075
00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:17,000
We walked in, so I went,
"So, where's the bride?"
1076
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:19,520
"I haven't met her.
It's an arranged marriage."
1077
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:22,880
I went, "That's weird...
Not weird. Didn't mean to say weird.
1078
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:26,320
This is a day where we must
celebrate our cultural differences.
1079
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:31,040
Plus, it's ammunition
for the best man's speech."
1080
00:57:31,120 --> 00:57:33,720
"There is no best man's speech
at a Muslim wedding."
1081
00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:38,320
"Again, that does seem quite unusual
but this is a day of love and tolerance.
1082
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:40,360
Where's the bar?"
1083
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:42,960
[laughter]
1084
00:57:43,880 --> 00:57:46,640
"There is no bar. It's a dry wedding."
1085
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:49,560
"Get in the fucking car."
1086
00:57:49,640 --> 00:57:51,920
[laughter]
1087
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,920
It was a wedding without alcohol.
1088
00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:57,800
Let me just repeat that.
1089
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,720
It was a wedding without alcohol.
1090
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:05,520
You cannot have a wedding without alcohol.
1091
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:08,320
That is like having a funeral
without a corpse.
1092
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:10,120
You cannot have it.
1093
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:13,760
[laughter, applause]
1094
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:19,440
That's what you do at a wedding.
That's what you do.
1095
00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:23,200
You drink. You drink afterwards.
You drink during if that is an option.
1096
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:24,360
I'm not religious.
1097
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:28,080
If I ever do get married,
100% I'm having holy communion.
1098
00:58:28,680 --> 00:58:31,680
Cheeky pick-me-up
half way through the service? Hell, yeah!
1099
00:58:31,760 --> 00:58:35,760
I'm gonna get the priest to drop a little
shot of Jägermeister into the chalice.
1100
00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:38,560
Jesus-bombs all round.
1101
00:58:41,520 --> 00:58:43,640
I want to make one thing
very clear as well.
1102
00:58:43,720 --> 00:58:46,920
I don't wish to be disparaging
about the Muslim wedding ceremony.
1103
00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:50,280
The fact that the Muslim ceremony is
about more than getting drunk
1104
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,320
in a field with a load of strangers:
1105
00:58:52,400 --> 00:58:54,360
they definitely got that right.
1106
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:57,960
And the fact that I could not cope
at one sober, is purely a reflection
1107
00:58:58,040 --> 00:59:01,000
of how sad and pathetic a little man I am.
1108
00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:03,280
But I couldn't.
1109
00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:06,720
I couldn't cope being around
so many strangers without a drink.
1110
00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:09,160
I was grabbing my girlfriend
every five minutes.
1111
00:59:09,240 --> 00:59:12,080
"Hey, maybe we could get some drugs."
1112
00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:14,160
[laughter]
1113
00:59:14,240 --> 00:59:16,480
"We're not getting drugs.
This is a wedding."
1114
00:59:17,400 --> 00:59:19,280
I'm on my phone, slyly googling:
1115
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:21,560
"Which drugs are halal?"
1116
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:24,960
[laughter, applause]
1117
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:27,720
None of them. None of them.
1118
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:32,280
Then I checked myself.
I'm, like, "Why am I doing this?"
1119
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:36,000
This is what I do: if I'm in an
uncomfortable social situation, I regress.
1120
00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:37,760
I become the man-child again.
1121
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:39,280
I don't want to do that.
1122
00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:42,440
I want to be that guy that can present
a better version of himself
1123
00:59:42,520 --> 00:59:43,800
in public with his missus.
1124
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:47,040
So, I was, like, "For once in my life,
I'm just gonna behave."
1125
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:51,240
My girlfriend, she's with her friends,
talking about some book they've all read.
1126
00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:54,840
And I'm over here, just very politely
drifting off into a coma.
1127
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:56,520
[laughter]
1128
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:59,000
No one knows.
I sleep with my eyes open.
1129
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:01,000
[laughter]
1130
01:00:01,240 --> 01:00:04,960
All of a sudden, this little
13-year-old kid, OK, comes up to me,
1131
01:00:05,040 --> 01:00:07,240
like a serpent in the garden of Eden.
1132
01:00:07,320 --> 01:00:09,160
This kid walks up to me, right.
1133
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:11,960
Prods me in the ribs and he goes,
"Jack...
1134
01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:14,480
would you rather..."
1135
01:00:15,040 --> 01:00:17,720
Oh, my God, didn't I nearly just cry!
1136
01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:22,320
Who remembers playing Would You Rather
in the school playground?
1137
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:27,280
The greatest form of mental combat
known to man.
1138
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:30,120
I looked at this kid
with joy and life in my eyes.
1139
01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:33,120
I was, like, "Little man,
I hope you've brought your A-game,
1140
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:37,000
because you have just stepped
into the dojo with the master."
1141
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:38,320
[laughter]
1142
01:00:38,400 --> 01:00:41,000
A look over my left shoulder
would have informed me
1143
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:43,040
that the book club were very much aware
1144
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,320
that I'd drifted off
from their conversation
1145
01:00:45,400 --> 01:00:48,760
to play a game of Would You Rather
with a 13-year-old child.
1146
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:51,880
But did I care? Did I fuck.
1147
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,720
I rolled the dice.
1148
01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:56,000
I was, like, "Hit me, little man. Hit me."
1149
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:59,960
He looks up at me. He's, like,
"Jack, would you rather...
1150
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:03,160
suck chocolate off a tramp's dick..."
1151
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:04,920
[laughter]
1152
01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:06,320
Oh!
1153
01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:08,600
Nice start, my friend.
1154
01:01:08,680 --> 01:01:10,040
Nice start.
1155
01:01:10,520 --> 01:01:14,040
My head, now,
a swirling vortex of counter questions.
1156
01:01:14,120 --> 01:01:16,720
I'm thinking,
is this milk chocolate or dark?
1157
01:01:17,360 --> 01:01:19,040
Is this penis flaccid or hard?
1158
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:21,640
I'm thinking, I really like chocolate,
1159
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:25,280
but I sure as hell am not a fan
of dirty old tramp dick.
1160
01:01:26,560 --> 01:01:30,000
I look to my girlfriend,
for moral support if anything else.
1161
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:32,560
Oh, dear. Woop-woop.
1162
01:01:32,640 --> 01:01:35,000
The fun police have
surrounded the building.
1163
01:01:35,640 --> 01:01:38,680
And they want me to come out
with my hands held high.
1164
01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:40,960
But I can't do that for two reasons.
1165
01:01:41,040 --> 01:01:45,680
I do not know when the next opportunity
to play Would You Rather may be.
1166
01:01:45,760 --> 01:01:49,880
And, two, more importantly,
I cannot carry around the burden
1167
01:01:49,960 --> 01:01:54,680
of not knowing what the alternative is
to sucking chocolate off a tramp's dick.
1168
01:01:55,400 --> 01:01:58,160
So, for the second time that evening,
I rolled the dice.
1169
01:01:58,240 --> 01:02:01,480
I was like, "You made an excellent start,
but you and I both know,
1170
01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:04,480
this game lives or dies
by the quality of the next option
1171
01:02:04,560 --> 01:02:06,200
that you lay before me."
1172
01:02:07,400 --> 01:02:10,040
Yeah. By this point,
the kid was quite scared of me.
1173
01:02:11,040 --> 01:02:14,000
"Tread very carefully, my friend.
Tread very carefully."
1174
01:02:14,080 --> 01:02:18,360
At this point, though, it was like
the pupil became the master.
1175
01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:22,080
This kid looked up at me unwaveringly
1176
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:24,160
and do you know what he said?
1177
01:02:24,680 --> 01:02:26,200
He went, "Jack,
1178
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:31,400
would you rather suck chocolate
off a tramp's dick...
1179
01:02:32,480 --> 01:02:33,560
or...
1180
01:02:36,560 --> 01:02:39,120
have a tramp suck chocolate...
1181
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:40,360
off your dick?"
1182
01:02:40,880 --> 01:02:43,360
Boom! Mind grenade.
1183
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:47,320
My face contorted in joy and wonder.
1184
01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:50,600
Like the first time I'd seen "boobies"
displayed on a calculator.
1185
01:02:50,680 --> 01:02:52,560
I was, like, "What the fuck?"
1186
01:02:53,480 --> 01:02:56,240
At this point though, our game
is brought to an abrupt end
1187
01:02:56,440 --> 01:03:00,240
as I'm physically manhandled to the corner
of the marquee by my girlfriend
1188
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:03,760
and told, in no uncertain terms,
that as a responsible adult,
1189
01:03:03,840 --> 01:03:05,520
I should have shut him down,
1190
01:03:05,600 --> 01:03:07,240
rather than ask the boy
1191
01:03:07,320 --> 01:03:08,920
if the tramp had teeth.
1192
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:10,360
[huge laugh]
1193
01:03:10,440 --> 01:03:12,680
You would! You would.
1194
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:14,120
[applause]
1195
01:03:14,200 --> 01:03:16,920
I've made undignified exits in my time,
1196
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:20,960
but nothing compares to getting dragged,
screaming, from a Muslim wedding
1197
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:23,200
as you shout back to a 13-year-old kid:
1198
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,560
"I'd suck the dick."
1199
01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:33,360
[Jack over PA] Once upon a time,
there lived the trolls.
1200
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:36,800
And of their clan, there was one
whom all revered.
1201
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:39,640
Yes, admittedly he didn't speak much,
1202
01:03:40,080 --> 01:03:43,800
but when he did,
he was the wisest of them all.
1203
01:03:43,880 --> 01:03:48,240
[laughter, whooping]
1204
01:03:53,800 --> 01:03:55,120
Oh, don't you worry.
1205
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:58,560
I am just as disappointed
in this costume as you are.
1206
01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:03,120
I wanted to look like
one of the trolls from Frozen.
1207
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:06,840
I've ended up looking like the love child
of Shrek and Ron Weasley.
1208
01:04:06,920 --> 01:04:09,400
[laughter]
1209
01:04:10,280 --> 01:04:11,880
What's happened with the nose?
1210
01:04:14,760 --> 01:04:17,040
One day they'll take you seriously.
1211
01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:18,920
[laughter]
1212
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:20,760
Why do you keep looking down there?
1213
01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:22,280
Oh, my God.
1214
01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:24,440
Have I got camel toe?
1215
01:04:25,400 --> 01:04:26,520
Stop it!
1216
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:28,880
Stop looking at my troll toe.
1217
01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:31,120
Stop objectifying me.
1218
01:04:33,520 --> 01:04:35,640
[laughter]
1219
01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:40,200
It's the end of the show, which means that
there's only one thing left me to say.
1220
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:44,240
Are you fucking joking?
1221
01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:45,520
[laughter]
1222
01:04:45,600 --> 01:04:47,440
Can you not move it to me?
1223
01:04:48,160 --> 01:04:50,600
Do you know how hard it is
to walk in this?
1224
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:55,640
[laughter]
1225
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:01,120
[cheering, applause]
1226
01:05:04,080 --> 01:05:05,160
Big moment.
1227
01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:06,840
[clears throat]
1228
01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:08,960
[fairytale music]
1229
01:05:09,040 --> 01:05:10,280
What's going on?
1230
01:05:16,960 --> 01:05:19,760
♪ There's a voice in every person ♪
1231
01:05:19,840 --> 01:05:20,920
Who the fuck's this?
1232
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,800
♪ A simple wish so strong ♪
1233
01:05:24,400 --> 01:05:27,760
♪ To catch the wind
To take a breath ♪
1234
01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:30,520
♪ To spin it into song ♪
1235
01:05:30,600 --> 01:05:31,600
I had a line, love.
1236
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:35,240
♪ There's a tune in every human ♪
1237
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,920
♪ Beating in their chest ♪
1238
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:41,480
♪ But I think we all agree ♪
1239
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:45,320
♪ A princess sings it best ♪
1240
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:47,120
I'm Gothi the Troll. I have a line.
1241
01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:50,200
♪ Get over it
Get over it ♪
1242
01:05:50,600 --> 01:05:53,680
♪ It's me they want to see ♪
1243
01:05:54,120 --> 01:05:57,320
♪ Get over it
Don't throw a fit ♪
1244
01:05:57,400 --> 01:06:00,920
♪ No troll can upstage me ♪
1245
01:06:01,840 --> 01:06:04,280
♪ I'll drown them out ♪
1246
01:06:04,360 --> 01:06:05,400
I'll get this.
1247
01:06:05,480 --> 01:06:07,360
♪ But that's OK ♪
1248
01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:12,400
♪ 'Cause no one cares one bit
About trolls anyway ♪
1249
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:17,360
[laughter]
1250
01:06:18,360 --> 01:06:21,720
♪ He wants to go to Hollywood ♪
1251
01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:24,840
♪ And show them he can act ♪
1252
01:06:24,920 --> 01:06:31,520
♪ Because there aren't enough
Posh English boys already doing that ♪
1253
01:06:32,040 --> 01:06:35,400
♪ But he didn't make the cinema ♪
1254
01:06:35,480 --> 01:06:38,520
♪ So, well, tough luck, that stinks ♪
1255
01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:42,440
♪ But if Robert Pattinson had done it ♪
1256
01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:45,600
♪ He'd be on the screen ♪
1257
01:06:45,680 --> 01:06:48,680
♪ He's so sexy! ♪
1258
01:06:49,000 --> 01:06:51,840
♪ Get over it
Get over it ♪
1259
01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:55,560
♪ It's me they want to see ♪
1260
01:06:55,880 --> 01:06:58,880
♪ Get over it, you moaning tit ♪
1261
01:06:59,320 --> 01:07:02,200
♪ It's me they want to be ♪
1262
01:07:02,720 --> 01:07:05,600
♪ You had your little whinge ♪
1263
01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:09,680
♪ Now go away ♪
1264
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:12,600
♪ 'Cause no one cares one bit
About trolls ♪
1265
01:07:13,360 --> 01:07:16,600
♪ No one cares one bit
About trolls ♪
1266
01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:21,800
♪ No one gives a shit about trolls ♪
1267
01:07:22,800 --> 01:07:26,120
♪ Anyway ♪
1268
01:07:31,440 --> 01:07:33,800
[audience cheer]
1269
01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:36,640
I trollfully bid you farewell!
1270
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:37,920
[singer screams]
101177
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