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1
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,080
I just want to say
that this is not a story
2
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,440
about my mother
and how she got famous.
3
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,240
It's a story about me.
4
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:32,080
My name is Erica Ingels.
I have a sister, Opal.
5
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,840
Okay. It's about my sister, too.
6
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,800
I'm almost ready.
7
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,439
Okay. It's about my mother too,
but not completely.
8
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,040
This is my life.
9
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,679
Okay. So this time
you be Ed and I'll be Johnny.
10
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,480
I was Ed McMahon the last time.
You were not.
11
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,080
Was to. Was not!
12
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,600
Erica.
You're always on Opal's side.
13
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,160
You're probably wondering
how all this happened to me.
14
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,840
Well, I was living in Queens
with my two girls
15
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,920
and we were all crammed into
this unbelievably small house
16
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,200
with my aunt Harriet.
17
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,760
How small was it?
18
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,736
It was so small that
when you brushed your teeth,
19
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,400
you couldn't brush sideways...
Anyway, there I was,
20
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,440
we are talking
total obscurity here.
21
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,280
Of course now and then I was
on the Johnny Carson show.
22
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,040
And now, live from Hollywood,
California, the tonight show
23
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:22,160
starring Johnny Carson
and now, herrreee's Johnny!
24
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:25,999
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
25
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,400
Tonight we welcome back one of
our tonight show regulars.
26
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,280
Who's become incredibly popular
since her first appearance here.
27
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,160
Let us welcome her now,
Dottie Ingels!
28
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,000
That's what I did at night.
29
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,039
In the day,
I was also on television.
30
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,080
Thank you, Mimi. I know you're
gonna be happy. You look beautiful.
31
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,159
Don't laugh.
32
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,600
This is my life.
33
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,519
Excuse me, sweetheart,
in the beige blazer,
34
00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,439
what's your name? Joanne.
35
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,360
Joanne, are you married?
36
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,799
Oh, dear. Single
but with married skin.
37
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,120
We all know what married skin is
38
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,680
don't we? Oh, don't we.
39
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,800
Have I got something for you.
Do you know what this is?
40
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:25,199
This is anti-aging
placenta extract.
41
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,839
We do not talk about whose
placenta or what placenta.
42
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,759
But trust me, Evelyn,
43
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,999
this is probably
a Jewish placenta.
44
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,560
A Jewish sheep's
placenta that is.
45
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,240
As she's applying
the lengthener...
46
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,919
Can you see that?
You know what's happening?
47
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,839
Men are gathering. Really?
48
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,040
Really? They are?
49
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,680
Like oxen to the watering hole.
50
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,400
This is the very latest
development for making sure
51
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,240
that no one can guess
that you, Evelyn,
52
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,280
could possibly have a daughter
at the advanced age of,
53
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,080
what are you sweetheart, 35?
54
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,479
32.
55
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,840
She could be 32.
56
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,200
It's the sun, right darling?
It kills the skin.
57
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,840
Don't go to Florida anymore.
58
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:41,896
I was reading this article,
59
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,000
"what do men
really want in a woman?"
60
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,240
What do they want? What?
61
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,760
The number one response?
Long eyelashes.
62
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,920
You think I'm kidding?
What's your name?
63
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,000
If you're tired
and feeling droopy,
64
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,920
settle down and just relax,
65
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
put your feet up on the bathtub,
66
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,000
use exfoliating wax.
67
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,280
You know, sweetheart, you have a
little tiny red spot right here.
68
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,480
I'm sure it's nerves, but
I have something else for you
69
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,640
in case it spreads over
your entire body.
70
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,840
Trust me, when I say
bibbity-bobbetty-boo, Jessica,
71
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,600
you are no longer a pumpkin.
You are a coach.
72
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,960
Jason Finkelman is gonna
take one look at your eyes
73
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,880
and forget about Valerie Novak.
74
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,440
Am I exaggerating?
No, I am not exaggerating.
75
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,840
I'm I Erica?
76
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,720
Never mind.
77
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,440
If she wore a little makeup...
78
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,959
I am never, ever wearing makeup.
79
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,920
Her eyes wouldn't look so beady.
80
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,920
Lay off your sister, Opal.
Erica is just like me.
81
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,760
And eventually she's going to come
into her own, just the way I did.
82
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,680
I was 14 years old... don't chew your
hair, sweetheart...
83
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,600
And I was sent off to camp...
84
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,240
Raise your hand if you've
heard this story before.
85
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:10,400
Everyone else spent
the summer doing archery.
86
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,040
I spent the summer
looking in the mirror.
87
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,920
And I realized this is it,
88
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,999
you'd better
make the best of it.
89
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,359
And ever since
I have made the best of it.
90
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,760
With only a brief detour
into total folly,
91
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,080
but let's leave
your father out of this.
92
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,320
The point is, Erica, you're never
going to be a conventional beauty,
93
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:35,280
but you are going to be special.
I personally guarantee it.
94
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,040
I thought you
already read that book?
95
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,960
She's read it six times.
96
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,000
Opal, please, would you
get off your sister's back?
97
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,800
Who is it?
The VCR repair man, thank god.
98
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,840
Well, you be careful with him.
He steps one foot in the door,
99
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,640
it's a $32 minimum.
I can't live without the VCR working.
100
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,519
I have to tape
other people's acts.
101
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,759
I have to study timing.
Delivery. Besides,
102
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,320
it's a business expense.
I can deduct it. From what?
103
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,120
It's fate. Totally fate.
104
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,440
I don't see that.
105
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,960
The VCR could have broken
at any time.
106
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,240
When does it break?
Thursday. So?
107
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,639
The day before
the VCR repairman is going
108
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,880
to see his first cousin,
an agent,
109
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,480
so he can tell him about me,
110
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,559
who he didn't even know
the day before.
111
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,480
What's an agent?
112
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,760
Well, you know how
a robber cracks open a safe?
113
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,119
Well, an agent is someone
who cracks open your career.
114
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,160
So, who else is he an agent for?
115
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,880
Oh, many jackies
you never even heard of.
116
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,120
So why is he seeing you?
117
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,376
Because his cousin asked him to.
118
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,640
This is important. Listen carefully, girls.
This is a life lesson.
119
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,800
Everyone in the world
is only two phone calls away
120
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,520
from everyone else in the world.
121
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,480
You just have to know
who the phone calls are.
122
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,800
Please, please don't
do this to me. Start.
123
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,240
Like I'm only two phone calls
away from J.D. Salinger.
124
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:49,120
Oh, I'm sure you are.
Mom, I don't even think he has a phone.
125
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,280
Of course he has a phone.
He dates.
126
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,880
He's laughing.
That's good, isn't it?
127
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,960
Maybe he's just polite.
128
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,560
You know, just because your kids think
you're funny doesn't mean you are.
129
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,240
Thanks for coming in.
Well, thanks for your time.
130
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:10,800
You bet.
131
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,440
Is he gonna be your agent?
Some day.
132
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,560
Some day he's
going to beg to be my agent.
133
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,080
I knew it. But he was laughing.
134
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,840
Suppose dad sees mom on TV?
135
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,800
I don't think we have to worry
about that just yet, Opal.
136
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,640
Okay, but if she gets
an agent and gets famous
137
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,320
and becomes a
guest star on something.
138
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,600
Like suppose he's sitting home
one day and watching
139
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,760
the $25,000 pyramid show
and suddenly sees mom?
140
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,800
And suddenly remembers
he has children?
141
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,560
And comes to see us.
I don't think so, Opal.
142
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,320
I can hardly remember him.
143
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,480
I know.
144
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,400
Some days I scrunch up my eyes
145
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,600
and I can't even get his face
to float into my brain pan.
146
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,960
There's just this
big blank screen.
147
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,919
Darlings, just forget about him.
148
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,600
Your mother's the one who keeps this
whole kit and caboodle together.
149
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,480
Your mother works her fingers
to the bone all week long.
150
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,840
We know. We know.
151
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,520
But what was he like?
I don't want to know him again,
152
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,400
but aren't there things we should know?
Like what?
153
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,120
Like, did anyone in his family
have diabetes or anything?
154
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,119
I have no idea.
How should I know?
155
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:35,080
Yes, there is diabetes. No, there
isn't diabetes. What difference is it?
156
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,520
It was a mistake
for your mother to marry him.
157
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,679
She only married him to prove she
could get somebody to marry her.
158
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,919
Who was she proving it to?
Her mother.
159
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,799
Her mother was dead.
Only in the technical sense.
160
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,159
Your mother and father had a fight
at their own wedding reception.
161
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,879
Aside from that,
it was a lovely party.
162
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,759
$15 per person,
but worth considerably more.
163
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,679
All they did was fight.
164
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,239
Fishka fishka foon. What?
165
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,480
That's what we used to say so
we wouldn't hear them fighting.
166
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,679
I don't remember that.
167
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,320
Fishka fishka foon. Fishka fishka foon.
Fishka fishka foon.
168
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,760
Erica! Fishka fishka...
169
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,680
Erica, now listen to me.
170
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,920
You girls are
the only good thing
171
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,920
to come from that marriage.
172
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,360
Now come here, madam Fifi.
173
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,160
Hmm-hmm. Salty kiss.
174
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,840
And you, my tchotchkkela.
175
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,000
Ohh!
176
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,920
Now go to sleep.
177
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,240
Goodnight.
178
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,320
He hated carpeting.
179
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,240
He did?
180
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,640
I don't know
why I remember that.
181
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,560
The mind is a
very weird thing, Opal.
182
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,040
There was this dog that lived
across the street named Triscut.
183
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,840
And you used to think that boys'
penises look like Triscut's penis,
184
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,399
kind of like a crayola
but retractable.
185
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,520
I never thought that.
Yes, you did.
186
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,480
I didn't. Yes, you did.
187
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,880
I did not. Goodnight, Opal.
188
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,960
I didn't think that.
I did not think that.
189
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,960
I know I didn't think that.
190
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,080
Anyway,
that's the way it was before.
191
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,480
We were a normal family
in our own peculiar way.
192
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:17,760
Hello.
193
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,720
And then, just like that,
aunt Harriet died.
194
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,800
She died fast.
It was over like that.
195
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,560
It wasn't a long
and painful death.
196
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,040
Sweetheart,
she died in Loehmann's.
197
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,400
She had a heart attack
in one of those dressing rooms
198
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,080
with 29 other women
in her girdle and bra.
199
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,040
And when it was over, no one
knew which clothes were hers.
200
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,080
They had to dress her
in new clothes
201
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,840
but they forgot to remove
those big white burglar tags,
202
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,760
and when they
carried aunt Harriet out
203
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,280
she set off
all the store alarms. Really.
204
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,440
No. Not really.
Listen. We were all wrecks.
205
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,056
We didn't know
what we were going to do.
206
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,960
But... but...
207
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,840
Well, every problem
is an opportunity, isn't it?
208
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,200
I mean, you know,
let's be honest about this.
209
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,440
Your aunt left you her house
210
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,840
so that you can continue
to live in comfort.
211
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,199
How much is it worth?
212
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,600
She was concerned
that you and the children
213
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,160
should live without disruption.
214
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,280
Is it 80,000? 120,000?
215
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,399
Ah, slightly more than that.
You see there's no mortgage
216
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,599
so you'd only be paying the carrying cost,
the heat, the utilities and so forth.
217
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,159
So I could sell it?
I could sell it.
218
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,999
I could take the money
and I could see...
219
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,560
What? I could.
220
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,799
I could. I could do it.
221
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,520
I could do it.
222
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,519
Um, how much more than
120,000, do you figure?
223
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,160
Slightly, slightly.
Slightly? Slightly?
224
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,960
Slightly could be a lot more.
Ahem.
225
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,879
I want to put up
the house for sale immediately.
226
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,040
Do you think
you could help me with that?
227
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,960
Where is my purse?
Where is my purse?
228
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,880
You left it in the car.
229
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,440
Sweetheart,
don't chew your hair.
230
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,360
Come on, girls.
Come on. Let's get in the car.
231
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,199
Okay. Fold on that
suitcase there.
232
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,240
I got my...
233
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,200
Jerk.
234
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,416
Just 'cause you don't have any
friends you're never gonna see again.
235
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,679
She has friends. No, I don't.
236
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,600
Well, you will in Manhattan.
237
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,400
Come here,
a three-way hug. Come on.
238
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080
All right. Let's burn rubber.
239
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,840
Okay, here we go.
240
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,880
Think of it
as an adventure, girls.
241
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,320
Come on.
242
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,240
'Cause she'll
chew it up and swallow it
243
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,760
and make a big glob
of hair in her stomach.
244
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,920
It's fate. It's fate.
The rabbi who did the funeral
245
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,320
has a sister who
used to be married
246
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,456
to the landlord
of this building.
247
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,599
Everyone in the world
is only two phone calls away...
248
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,960
From everyone else in the world.
249
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,936
So then I asked Martin,
do you know a housepainter
250
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,799
and he said... My cousin.
251
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,879
See? Do you see that,
it's amazing.
252
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,520
Ruby's brother is a policeman,
but on the side he does floors.
253
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,240
The living room is huge. Yep.
254
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,560
Where are the bedrooms?
Down there.
255
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,119
You can have anyone
but the big one.
256
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,039
I got dibs
on the middle bedroom.
257
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,599
I like this one. This ones mine.
258
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,680
I love this bedroom.
The kitchen's great.
259
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,840
The lifestyles of the rich and
famous, here we come. Okay!
260
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,640
Hup, hup, ooo-da!
261
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,839
Good work.
You only broke a couple of things.
262
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,520
And the ming vase
was a fake anyway, so...
263
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,360
You don't know what I'm talking about.
Thanks again. Bye-bye.
264
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,120
You guys look great.
It looks like you been
265
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,239
going here your whole life.
266
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,560
Come here. Big squeeze.
267
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,480
Love you. Bye.
268
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,200
Erica. Erica.
Don't chew your hair.
269
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:41,080
All the great comedians,
I'm talking about the legends,
270
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,440
they all have something
that makes them unforgettable,
271
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,880
Lucille Ball... red hair,
272
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,880
Jackie Gleason... fat.
W.C. Fields; Nose.
273
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,079
What does Robin Williams have?
274
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,720
A tremendous amount
of body hair.
275
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,480
It's just something
so they'll remember me.
276
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,480
Dozens of people just like me
turn up at these clubs every week.
277
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,239
- I'm the one in the dots.
- That is for sure.
278
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,800
Are you
gonna wear them all the time?
279
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,080
I haven't decided.
280
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,000
Maybe it won't work out.
Don't you girls worry.
281
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,199
It is definitely
going to work out.
282
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,760
Where is my purse?
Just once I would love
283
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,639
to be able to walk out the door
and know where my purse is.
284
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,559
Wish me luck.
Love and polka dots.
285
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,640
So that's how I started
286
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,680
"love and polka dots"?
Break a leg.
287
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,160
She went off
to the comedy club at night.
288
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,240
Flapjacks!
289
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,320
At night
I went off to this comedy club
290
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,879
where I personally would not
drink from the glasses.
291
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,920
Hey, I said, "flapjacks"!
292
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,279
How was it? How was it?
293
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,560
Did they laugh? Did you bomb?
294
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,320
I'll tell you the truth
if you promise not to tell.
295
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,480
Promise. Who would we tell?
We don't know anybody.
296
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,239
They laughed.
They laughed at me.
297
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,280
And sometimes it was great...
298
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,120
And back again
by popular demand, flapjacks!
299
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,840
And sometimes it wasn't.
300
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,439
It was an off night, that's all.
When you're starting...
301
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,440
You want to know about bombing?
302
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,320
Sweetheart, some nights
the audience was so dead,
303
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,240
they were wearing toe tags.
304
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,480
God, what are we gonna do
if it doesn't work?
305
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,040
It'll work.
You could get married again.
306
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,800
No I could not.
I'm never getting married again.
307
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,160
The truth is
I don't believe in love.
308
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,720
But you love us.
That kind of love, sure.
309
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,600
Between a mother
and a child, sure.
310
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,600
Okay, who wants more?
311
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,640
Oh, lighten up, Erica.
Everything's gonna be fine.
312
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,200
Okay.
It wasn't always wonderful.
313
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,960
But in the beginning we felt
like we were a part of it.
314
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,880
You know the aunt Harriet
thing went great.
315
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,800
What aunt Harriet thing?
316
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,840
I do this thing about
aunt Harriet in heaven.
317
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,160
That was my idea.
What do you do?
318
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,560
Well, you know,
aunt Harriet goes to heaven
319
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,960
and does it cheaper
than anyone else.
320
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,280
It's very funny.
That was my idea.
321
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,560
Well, what about aunt Harriet?
322
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,200
What about her?
What about her feelings?
323
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,479
She's dead, Opal.
324
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,800
Part of being an artist
325
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,720
is using things
that come from your life.
326
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,280
Oh.
327
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,440
Don't let me drop it.
328
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,200
I'm not in the mood
to cry tonight.
329
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,120
Can I help you
with something here?
330
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,480
Can you finish
cutting the cornbread?
331
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,000
You can put it
in the basket over there.
332
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,439
How is it? Very good.
333
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:32,920
Aunt Harriet's special dressing.
334
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:33,840
God love, aunt Harriet.
335
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,759
I'm so glad I'm here
and not with my family.
336
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,080
Thank you for inviting me.
Right now me and my sister
337
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,079
would be getting in trouble
for for making fun
338
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,680
of my brother's wife
who squints.
339
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,360
I've never seen
this woman's eyes.
340
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,320
My brother would be
screaming at his kids,
341
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,320
and my mother would be repeating
my dads bad jokes really loud.
342
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,120
Can I give you a hand.
Yes, Marianne, please.
343
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,880
You can take these
string beans out.
344
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,719
Oliver, I think we need some
more wine in the refrigerator.
345
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,720
Do you know that
Lester's getting a divorce?
346
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,879
Why did he ever get married
in the first place?
347
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,040
He married young.
It's easy to get married young,
348
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,719
it's later that's a problem.
349
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,616
What if Lester asked me out?
What if he asked me out?
350
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,480
What if she asked me out.
351
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,639
If I said no, will he ever
put me in the lineup again?
352
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,039
Suppose my comedy career is over
because I turn someone down
353
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,160
for a date?
That would be so ironic.
354
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,200
Ta-da!
355
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:19,760
Gobble, gobble, gobble...
356
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,159
You think it's
big enough for us?
357
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,640
Oh, it's beautiful!
358
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,640
Please help yourself.
359
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,360
So I put on the hat,
360
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,759
I say, "I think that
I should never wish"
361
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,639
a mammal nobler than the fish."
362
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,160
Which sort of sets it up
because they realize
363
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,160
that what I do
are couplets about fish.
364
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,999
But a fish isn't a mammal.
365
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,919
I know, but nothing else
fits the meter.
366
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,839
All right.
Then I hit them with this,
367
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,840
"many for bravery
praise the state trooper,
368
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,760
while I admire stately grouper."
369
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,239
And a "grouper" is a...
370
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,159
It's a fish. A fish.
371
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,999
"On subject ichthyological,
I don't mean to harp,
372
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,280
but who is grander
than the carp?"
373
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,160
It's a good one.
374
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,240
You do know what a carp is?
375
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,960
Sure. A carp is a goldfish
that complains a lot.
376
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,520
Anything she says belongs to me.
377
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,600
See my problem is
I don't belong in a comedy club.
378
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,600
I'm too sophisticated for that.
379
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,360
They want set up, punch.
380
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,296
Set up, punch. Set up, punch.
Here's the hideous thing.
381
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,440
Skip "the loon" Tyler
got an agent.
382
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,480
Skip "the loon"? Yes, he did.
383
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,880
He stinks. He does my material.
384
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,640
Morty Bashes is his agent.
Does he have a contract?
385
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,919
No. He doesn't have
paper in his office.
386
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,840
That's a rumor. Morty Bashes is his uncle.
That doesn't count.
387
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,040
I don't know why you guys
are so hung up about agents.
388
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,920
I had an agent for four years.
I had to pay him a signing bonus
389
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:45,720
plus 20% commission
390
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,520
and he never returned
my phone calls.
391
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,360
I have an agent.
You do? That's great.
392
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,880
Congratulations, mom.
393
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,880
Who is it?
394
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,080
Arnold Moss.
395
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,920
Arnold Moss? You're kidding.
396
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,640
Moss himself, Moss?
397
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,400
Well, his assistant,
Claudia Curtis.
398
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,280
Oh, she's good.
399
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,720
I haven't actually
met Moss himself.
400
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,720
I couldn't imagine
it would be Moss himself.
401
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,120
Well, if she makes it
it would be Moss himself.
402
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,840
That's great, Dottie.
Congratulations.
403
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,400
Yeah. We're all
very happy for you.
404
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,200
I can't believe she has an agent
and we don't have an agent.
405
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,920
She has an agent. I can't believe it.
I can't take it.
406
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,280
Hey! Come on, everybody.
This is great news.
407
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,680
Thanks, Mia. Thanks.
408
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,000
I didn't say tall,
but I'm very cute...
409
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,040
Hi, Lester.
410
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:43,919
Hello, Dottie.
411
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,680
Girls, you're gonna
sit with Claudia, okay?
412
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,520
Hey, Chris.
413
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,919
Hi, this is Claudia Curtis.
414
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,800
This is Opal. This is Erica.
415
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,720
Have a seat, sweetie.
Okay, so...
416
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,640
Get ready. I got this covered.
417
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,359
I'll see you later, okay?
Don't forget to laugh.
418
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,320
I'll get you two some drinks.
419
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,360
I'll be with you in a minute.
420
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,160
How are you? Fine. How are you?
421
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,919
Ugh, don't ask.
So what are we having? Cokes?
422
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,560
You already had one coke today.
So?
423
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,840
Two cokes and I'll have
the white wine spritzer, please.
424
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,440
I'm basically terrible.
425
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,320
I'm trying to kick my dependency
426
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,120
on Mr. Can't-
finish-his-analysis.
427
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,320
I'm thinking
of going to a hypnotist.
428
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,200
I figure they could
stop you from smoking,
429
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,919
they can cure you from being
attracted to a crazy person
430
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,679
nearly 20 years older than you.
431
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,559
Hi, girls. Mia, hi, we're here.
432
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,439
Hi. Mia Jablon. Claudia Curtis.
433
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,359
Your mother is a
nervous wreck tonight
434
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,559
because this is the first time
you've ever seen her perform.
435
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,599
And Arnold Moss is coming.
Moss himself?
436
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,519
When's are mom gonna be on?
437
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,440
Lester's putting
her on first because of you.
438
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,920
Well, and because of Arnold Moss.
Himself.
439
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,559
If you have to go to the
bathroom you should do it now.
440
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,439
I think I know when I have
to go to the bathroom, Erica.
441
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,959
When Mr. Therapy-forever,
Mr. Legend-in-his-own-mind
442
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,240
shows up, he's always late.
443
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:13,000
I'm too young to be seeing
a fat person, don't you think?
444
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,880
I had a dream
about this enormous blimp,
445
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,440
I mean we're talking
football field size blimp.
446
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,760
And you know who that
blimp turned out to be?
447
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,560
Okay, real chivas
for Mr. Moss from my bottle.
448
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,680
And comp the table.
Thanks, I'll pay.
449
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,000
So, I hope you have not dragged
me here to see yet another
450
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,400
female comedian who thinks housewives
are identical to prostitutes.
451
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,720
No, no. So what am I doing here?
452
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,520
Dottie Ingels. Remember?
453
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,400
Does she pretend to take a shower?
No.
454
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,960
Is she the one that
gives birth to a mouse?
455
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,400
No.
456
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,040
Dottie Ingels
is a very funny person.
457
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,119
And she doesn't act
about our aunt.
458
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:48,680
Erica helped her.
459
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,719
Who are these. Her kids.
460
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,600
Kids.
461
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,896
Good evening. Welcome to
another night of hilarity here.
462
00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,599
How are you?
463
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,240
You all know my reputation
for bringing the freshest,
464
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,840
the finest, funny people
to the forefront.
465
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,480
Tonight is no exception because
this lady is exceptional.
466
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,240
She's gonna tickle your heart
and break you funny bone.
467
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,680
Please welcome Dottie Ingels.
468
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,280
Thank you, Lester. Thank you.
469
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:24,640
Okay, this is my life.
Until six months ago,
470
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:26,560
I was working the makeup counter
471
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,000
at the Macy's
on Queens Boulevard.
472
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,920
Now, I'm not proud of this,
473
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,840
but I have actually convinced
a woman to buy placenta cream.
474
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,240
I don't understand this, do you?
475
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,120
I mean, I know how they
invented a grilled steak.
476
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,040
A piece of meat
fell into the fire.
477
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:46,160
But how did they find out that
putting placentas on your face
478
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,200
made you look younger.
I can't imagine.
479
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,880
Somewhere in this world
480
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,480
there's a 90-year-old
obstetrician who looks like 20.
481
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,360
Right? How did this happen?
482
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,160
It's a girl. It's a girl.
483
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,880
And I look stunning.
484
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,839
The first night
I saw my mom perform
485
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,720
I was the most nervous
I ever was in my life.
486
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,440
But she got up
and she was so funny,
487
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,319
and everyone was laughing,
I couldn't believe it.
488
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,840
It was my mom up there.
I mean, I knew it was my mom,
489
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,760
but it wasn't.
490
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,200
It was like
she was someone else, too.
491
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,679
St. Peter,
very nice to meet you.
492
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,200
I've heard... I've heard
I'm happy to say...
493
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,400
The night I met
Arnold Moss, what can I say?
494
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:44,880
It was like meeting Elvis,
or Brando, or Orson Wells,
495
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,719
or some other
huge legendary figure.
496
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,080
He was sitting
in the audience with Claudia
497
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:53,840
and the girls were there,
and I couldn't believe it.
498
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,800
I mean, one minute I'm auditioning
for these brill building lowlifes
499
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,239
and six months later,
I'm on stage
500
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,600
and Arnold Moss is watching me.
501
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,239
This is also not my life.
502
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,799
As a rule I don't
breast-feed in restaurant's.
503
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,160
Call me crazy.
504
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,920
"The la leche league."
Have you met these women?
505
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,799
They think that
you should breast-feed your kid
506
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,679
until he's old enough
to unbutton your blouse.
507
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:25,640
They love it.
I'm bonding with my baby.
508
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:30,400
The baby is 48 years old
and opening a dairy queen.
509
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:47,119
Mom, I can't believe it.
You were swell.
510
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,120
Mom, you were great.
You killed them.
511
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,400
I'm so glad you liked it.
512
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,440
She's going to be
even better in L.A.
513
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:54,840
Arnold Moss. Hi.
514
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:56,440
Excellent. Excellent.
515
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,280
It just happened.
What is she doing there?
516
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,520
She's going to be in the famous comedy
shop on the famous sunset strip.
517
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,079
Mom? Look,
let her talk to Arnold Moss.
518
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:08,200
When are we going?
It's not a trip for children.
519
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:08,960
Mom?
520
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,160
Mom, when are you going to L.A.?
521
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,360
Absolutely not.
We won't be in the way. I promise.
522
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,159
Children do not leave school
when their mothers go on
523
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,800
short business trips.
It's not short.
524
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,760
It is, too. It's three weeks.
525
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,560
Opal, she is going to perform
at the famous comedy shop
526
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:27,840
on the famous sunset strip.
527
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,040
Big deal.
528
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,680
It is a big deal.
And they're paying her.
529
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,560
This is an incredible
opportunity for all of us.
530
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,480
Arnold Moss says
that if this works...
531
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,240
Mom, he eats paper. He does?
532
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,400
He ate a whole napkin.
533
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:43,760
He did?
534
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,000
The pediatricians number
is on the wall above the phone.
535
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,520
I thought you were too old
for a pediatrician, Erica?
536
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,056
I'll take care of that
when I get back.
537
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,439
The bathroom door doesn't shut.
Get the super to fix that.
538
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:57,480
Actually when you
think about it,
539
00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,480
the real difference in where you live
in New York is your bathroom door.
540
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,656
On the east side they shut.
On the West Side they don't.
541
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,559
And downtown there are none.
542
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,159
They wouldn't get that in L.A.
543
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:07,920
Anyway, it's not very good.
544
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:09,200
Yeah, you're both right.
545
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,160
I told the baby-sitters
you hate mayonnaise.
546
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,680
Do your homework.
547
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,080
If you don't water
the plants I don't care.
548
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,680
Eat some breakfast, okay?
549
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,416
You don't have to force
yourselves with oat bran.
550
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,400
Opal, can you get these
out of my purse, please?
551
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:26,480
These are journals, sweethearts.
Take notes while I'm gone.
552
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:29,200
Don't write letters.
This is a life lesson.
553
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:31,279
Letter writing is ridiculous.
554
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,200
Nothing ever arrives
within a week,
555
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,000
and someone else ends up
with what you should have...
556
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:37,800
A record of your life.
557
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,559
When are you coming back?
Three weeks, sweetheart.
558
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,400
Taxi!
559
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,360
I told you just three weeks.
Oh, a credit card...
560
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,400
A credit card.
For emergencies only.
561
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,999
You have all the numbers
where I am?
562
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:51,560
Yes, I got all the numbers.
563
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,280
You brush your teeth
once in a while? Yes.
564
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:55,920
So will I. All right.
565
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:57,920
They're gonna love you.
You think?
566
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,040
Don't worry about it.
567
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,600
I'll be calling you everyday.
I'm gonna miss you.
568
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:04,720
You're gonna be great.
569
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:07,400
I'm nervous.
I know, but you're gonna be great.
570
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,519
Bye. Love and polka dots.
571
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:11,600
I miss you already.
572
00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,360
Now what?
573
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:38,440
The first baby-sitter
we had after mom left was Ed,
574
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,360
who does imitations.
575
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,959
And he even does
an imitation of mom.
576
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,760
He says if she ever gets
famous enough,
577
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,759
everyone will do her because
she is larger than life.
578
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,480
Ready.
579
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:51,840
Okay,
reach in and pull out the bag.
580
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,640
Reach in and pull out the bag.
581
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,600
Bauck, bauck! Easy. It's okay.
582
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,360
Bauck, bauck, bauck!
583
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,600
All right.
584
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,320
Ooh!
585
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,136
All right. You're gonna
have to help me on this one.
586
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:12,520
Go ahead push. Buack...
Push it. Buack...
587
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,920
Okay, push. Buack...
588
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,160
Eewwww!
589
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,040
The next baby-sitter
we had was Angela.
590
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,920
Angela is developing
a routine about modern ballets.
591
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:35,960
She says there
are too many swans
592
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,760
and not enough housewives.
593
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,600
My ear hurts.
594
00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,159
I know, honey. I know.
595
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,280
I'm sure it's just
an ear infection.
596
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,160
We'll get you some medicine.
597
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,559
Tell Angela to buy you a
whole bunch of dumb magazines.
598
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:54,160
Okay.
599
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:55,800
God, I can't hear anything here.
600
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,120
I know. I can't hear you
very well over here either.
601
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,280
Well, let me speak
to Angela for a minute.
602
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:05,039
Okay, hang on. Angela,
mom wants to talk to you!
603
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,640
Dottie, you famous yet?
Not quite.
604
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,360
Listen, Angela. Would you
call Dr. Murphy and ask him
605
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,496
to phone in a prescription
to the all-night pharmacy?
606
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,640
And then came Dennis,
607
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:17,200
who was no longer
writing couplets about fish.
608
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:19,960
What is it about Lawrence Welk
609
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:24,240
that brings to mind
the dainty elk?
610
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,760
You're kidding? He was in the audience?
I don't believe it.
611
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,280
Opal, get on the phone.
You have to hear this.
612
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,720
Hi, mom. Hi, sweetheart.
613
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,560
And then he came back stage
614
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:37,360
and he said, "I love your work".
615
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,240
Steve Martin loves my work.
616
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,000
What was he like?
I have no idea.
617
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,120
That was the sum total of
our relationship. Four words.
618
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:48,880
Then I said, "what?".
619
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:51,440
So that's one more word.
620
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:54,320
But can you believe this?
It's happening, sweethearts.
621
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:57,400
It's really happening.
I'm not crazy.
622
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,439
It's like a dream.
It's so great, mom.
623
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,359
When are you coming home?
624
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,239
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
625
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:06,760
Things are going very well
626
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,880
so I wanted to stay out here
627
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,080
a little longer
than I was going to.
628
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,799
How much longer?
Just two more weeks, sweetpeas.
629
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:18,480
I love you.
Please say it's all right.
630
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:20,400
Two more weeks?
631
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,200
I'll bring you...
What can I bring you?
632
00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:25,039
I don't know.
633
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:29,040
Mom, god, you don't
have to bribe us.
634
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:34,120
It's okay. Oh, you're terrific.
635
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,840
You are two terrific girls.
636
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,599
I can't tell you
how much I miss you.
637
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,520
Yeah, we miss you, too.
638
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,279
Where is my purse? Where...
639
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,336
Is this not what happens?
I mean, do you ever know...
640
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:50,600
After a while, doing standup
641
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,200
starts to feel
familiar, even routine.
642
00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,919
First, it's
the sweaty palm phase.
643
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:59,880
Followed by the "I can't do it,
I'm nauseous, I'm going to throw-up phase."
644
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:02,480
Followed by "hey, I'm doing it."
645
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:03,720
Followed by,
646
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:08,239
"I am the most powerful person
on the face of the earth!"
647
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,280
That phase is the best phase.
648
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,960
You know I've always secretly
wanted someone to snatch this baby.
649
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,520
"Hey lady,
hand over your purse".
650
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,640
Arnold Moss was here last night.
651
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,920
The spongy bog was there. Yuck.
652
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,480
He took me out to dinner,
and when it was over
653
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:34,200
he ate the bill. What?
654
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:36,680
He took her to dinner
and he ate the bill.
655
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:39,040
He did. Just kidding.
656
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:40,920
I swear to god.
657
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,960
The next baby-sitter
we had was Mia.
658
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,959
She stir fries everything.
659
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,600
And she took us
to an abortion rally
660
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,880
and we all dressed up as
Sandra day o'Connor.
661
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:56,320
Mia has this theory that all girls
are either Betty or Veronica.
662
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,320
Who will be my mystery date?
663
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,280
Turn the knob.
664
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:05,040
Oh, my god, I got the dud again.
665
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,880
I always get the dud.
It's just a game.
666
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,800
Do you think mom dates?
667
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,680
She wouldn't. She would never.
668
00:36:13,720 --> 00:36:15,759
Why don't you play
mystery date with us?
669
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,440
I always get dream date,
but if you don't mind.
670
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,480
Here I go.
671
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,320
I got him! I got him!
I got dream date.
672
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,240
I don't believe it!
673
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,560
I'm so jealous.
Eat your heart out.
674
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:29,120
If you always land
on dream date,
675
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:30,960
then you must be Veronica.
676
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,680
Erica, Opal, this is a very
important thing to understand.
677
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:37,000
Is it a life lesson? Definitely.
678
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,560
Veronica always gets the guy.
Or whatever she wants.
679
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:44,400
And Betty always wants
whatever Veronica gets.
680
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,240
I'm Veronica.
I suppose that makes me Betty?
681
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,160
Oh, you might as well accept it.
682
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,280
You, my Erica,
are a lover of misery.
683
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:55,760
It's my turn to go first.
684
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,080
Are you a Betty
or a Veronica forever?
685
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,760
No. A Betty can
grow up to be a Veronica.
686
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:04,040
Look at your mom.
687
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,000
Who wants tofu puffs?
688
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,239
Opal, get out of the way!
689
00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:09,536
Oh, my god,
it's still the commercial.
690
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,200
This is it.
Please, god, make it be all right.
691
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,760
Our next guest,
I think you're gonna like her,
692
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,240
is performing at
the comedy shop in Los Angeles.
693
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:23,760
Let's welcome Dottie Ingels.
694
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,600
Please, god.
I swear I'm gonna die.
695
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,280
I never met this man before
in my life and am I thrilled.
696
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:35,279
James. I'm a big fan.
697
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:38,960
It's nice to have you on the show.
It's nice to be here.
698
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,999
Actually, it's
unbelievable to be here.
699
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,160
Less than a year ago I was
working the makeup counter
700
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:48,040
at Macy's on Queens Boulevard.
There I was selling makeup,
701
00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:50,440
living in Ozone Park...
You don't know where that is,
702
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,760
do you Gary?
Not a clue, right? No.
703
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:54,680
Who does?
704
00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:56,600
We do! We do!
705
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,240
There I was living with my
aunt Harriet and my two girls,
706
00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,159
Opal, Erica, if you're watching,
707
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,240
it's time to go to bed now.
708
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:06,960
Ahhh! Ahhh!
709
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,640
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!
710
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:24,200
She's back. She's back.
She's back. She's here.
711
00:38:24,240 --> 00:38:26,959
Erica, she's here. Come on.
712
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,880
Mom! Mom!
713
00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:36,880
Mom! Mom!
714
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:39,440
There's my cookies,
I missed you.
715
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,000
Oh! Ho ho!
716
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,360
Oh, look at you.
You look beautiful.
717
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:45,880
Mom, guess what, guess what?
What? What?
718
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,096
I'm going to be one of the hollow men.
You are!
719
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:50,080
Shawn, Lisa and I are gonna be
all tied together in burlap
720
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,040
and Mrs. Fabricant is making us
721
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,280
look like dead people
with no flesh.
722
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,320
Isn't that wonderful? Yes.
723
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:59,040
Look, what can I say, Claudia?
If it takes more than a week,
724
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,600
it takes more than a week.
But you have to call
725
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,080
and tell them that I'm not going
726
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,440
to be back in L.A.
until next month.
727
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:08,320
Next month? You're going
back to L.A. next month?
728
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,840
Claudia, can you hold on?
I hate this call waiting.
729
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:12,680
I absolutely hate it.
730
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:15,840
Hello? Yes.
731
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,880
Ah, can you hold on for
just one minute please? Thanks.
732
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:21,776
Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!
Shh, shh, sweetie.
733
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,120
Claudia, it's someone
from Newsday.
734
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,880
They want to know what I think
about women in comedy.
735
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,680
I'll call you right back.
736
00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:30,640
Hello.
737
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,720
Well, I just got in
from the coast.
738
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:36,600
Well, I've eaten my last Chinese
chicken salad for a month...
739
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:39,480
Revolting.
She was completely revolting.
740
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,320
And her dots
were getting bigger.
741
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,919
Also, and this is
really pathetic,
742
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:45,720
she lost the ability
to be alone.
743
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,879
She took Claudia everywhere.
744
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,680
Claudia was like Tonto.
745
00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:53,360
If you were a man,
746
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,960
would you think I had
capped teeth?
747
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:58,600
Do you really? Four.
748
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:01,360
Really? Well, six actually.
749
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:04,880
I should say that I could
never ever have gotten through
750
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,280
those earlier days
as a performer
751
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:09,000
without Claudia Curtis.
752
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:12,240
She was more than an agent.
She was a friend.
753
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:15,760
I saw you on television.
You were great. Really?
754
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,320
Somebody has a fan.
755
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,240
Shhh. This is Opal's night.
756
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:21,560
Okay.
757
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,760
I can't find my tail.
758
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,160
Shawn, can't you go any faster?
759
00:40:36,720 --> 00:40:39,759
I think
I have to go to the bathroom.
760
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,760
Wait. She almost
pulled us all down.
761
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,160
I think I have
to go to the bathroom.
762
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:47,240
Well, just you forget it.
763
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,160
"What branches
grow out of this stony rubbish?"
764
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:53,960
"Son of a man,
you cannot say, or guess."
765
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:03,920
"We are the hollow men,"
766
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,360
we are the stuffed men,
leaning together,
767
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,359
headpiece filled with straw.
768
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:11,080
Alas!
769
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,800
Over broken glass
in our dried cellar.
770
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,760
Why were you laughing?
Did I bomb?
771
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,000
Bomb? Oh, god, no.
772
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:48,520
You were just so dear,
that's all.
773
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:49,840
You were great, Opal. To die.
774
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,096
Maybe I should sign you.
You need an agent?
775
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,000
I'm waiting for Moss himself.
776
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,880
Don't hold your breath. Erica.
777
00:41:56,920 --> 00:42:00,360
You were wonderful, sweetheart.
Really. I mean that.
778
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:03,040
Keep the change.
779
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,320
Why does she always
hold her breast like that?
780
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:09,960
What are you talking about?
781
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,520
Because she's afraid
they might escape.
782
00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:16,560
Suppose I do this commercial,
783
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,440
and for the rest of my life,
I'm known as "miss country chicken".
784
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:22,320
If you were just going to be a
chicken, I'd say don't touch it
785
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,240
with a 10-foot pole.
786
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:27,000
But this is much more about you
than it is about chicken.
787
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,120
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
788
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:31,920
Sweetheart, would you
make your mother happy
789
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,080
and at least
look like you're eating?
790
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,160
What we're talking about
is visibility.
791
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,080
And money. I mean,
who are we kidding?
792
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:41,800
I heard that if you even just
have you hand in a commercial,
793
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:46,280
you can make a fortune.
Like you can get rich just off your knee.
794
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:50,080
What's wrong, Erica? Nothing.
795
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,360
Can we come when you
make the commercial, mom?
796
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:54,440
I don't know.
Claudia, can they? Sure.
797
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,680
You really want to
know what's wrong? Yes.
798
00:42:57,720 --> 00:43:00,560
Last month, when my class
did Franz Kafka night,
799
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:02,920
you didn't come.
And now, you just
800
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:06,320
conveniently make it
to Opal's performance.
801
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:09,480
Honey, last month I was
in L.A., I couldn't have come.
802
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:12,200
You know I would have come
if I could have.
803
00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:15,080
We talked about it.
Didn't we talk about it?
804
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:19,400
She wasn't even in the play.
She was in the lighting booth.
805
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:22,200
Can I get you something else?
806
00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:26,600
Well, fifth wheel time.
Gotta run.
807
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:28,520
Got a late date with
Mr. Much-too-crazy.
808
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:30,440
Call you tomorrow.
809
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:36,520
My girls. Look,
I know this has been hard.
810
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,200
It's been hard, I know it.
811
00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:41,320
I don't want to be in L.A.
812
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:43,880
Do you think I want
to be away from you?
813
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:46,120
I love you so much.
814
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:48,680
But I can't just pick you up
and pull you out of school
815
00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:52,120
so you can go to some horrible
hotel on Fountain Avenue.
816
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:56,800
You'd hate L.A. it's all
swimming pools and valet parking.
817
00:43:56,840 --> 00:43:59,560
Please, just bear with me.
818
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:03,200
Isn't this what we wanted,
isn't it?
819
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:07,840
Sure.
820
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,760
Here.
821
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:16,760
This is my mother, as a chicken.
822
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,760
Buack!
823
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:21,680
This is me watching my mother
as a chicken.
824
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,160
This is my mother leaving.
825
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,440
If you could be a chicken
instead of a person
826
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:30,880
you'd want to be me!
827
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:33,400
Bauck, bauck, bauck, bauck
bauck, bauck!
828
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,600
Miss chemical free.
829
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,560
You know aunt Harriet's bathrobe
that looked like her bedspread?
830
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,160
Chenille. It's called Chenille.
831
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:55,320
Do you think that mom felt like a
jerk dressed in all those feathers?
832
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,240
She didn't act like it.
833
00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:00,520
Hey, girls, what do you think?
An air conditioner.
834
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:11,800
Well, I'll be perfecting this in
the other end of the apartment
835
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,680
if you need me.
836
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:18,520
You know, it really
was not appropriate
837
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:20,920
for her bringing Claudia
to your show.
838
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:23,040
After all, Claudia
is not a relative
839
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:25,600
and that's really who should be
at your child's performance.
840
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:29,320
Why can't mom be a regular mom
the way she was before?
841
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,880
Mom was never a regular mom.
842
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,120
But she made flapjacks.
843
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:38,000
Regular moms
don't make flapjacks,
844
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:39,960
they make pancakes.
845
00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:44,760
And regular moms don't
go off to Los Angeles
846
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,640
just as the most important
thing in your life
847
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:48,680
is about to happen.
848
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,320
Hi, Jordan.
849
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,400
Hi.
850
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:03,960
So, what's it like
having a famous mother?
851
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,760
She's not famous.
852
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:08,840
I saw her on HBO last week.
853
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:12,080
She's funny.
She's really very funny.
854
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,320
Does she always wear those dots?
855
00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:18,800
Why?
856
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:23,120
I... I don't know.
I just was wondering.
857
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:28,840
Does she wear them to sleep?
858
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,760
She wears them everywhere.
859
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,840
My parents are endocrinologists.
860
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,200
Endocrinologists? Mn-hmm.
861
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:57,720
Doctors, right? Yeah. Yeah.
862
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,640
They study glands.
863
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:03,400
They're gland experts.
864
00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:31,000
We saw the commercial last
night right before the news.
865
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,760
How many times does it have
to be on before we're rich?
866
00:47:33,800 --> 00:47:35,480
About two million.
Well, it was great.
867
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:37,720
Thanks, honey.
How did Erica like it?
868
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:40,320
I can't remember.
I'm sure she liked it.
869
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:42,120
Mom, you won't believe this,
870
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,320
but Erica thinking
of changing her name.
871
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:47,200
I wanted to change my name too,
when I was her age.
872
00:47:47,240 --> 00:47:49,600
I wanted to be called Debi
with an "I".
873
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:51,720
Mom, she's not
changing her first name.
874
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:55,920
Oh. Oh, really.
Well, where is your sister?
875
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,840
Can I speak to her while
her last name is still Ingels?
876
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:02,200
She's not home yet. Every single
day she walks home with that creep.
877
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,560
And do you know
how long it takes her?
878
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,440
Three hours.
Maybe Erica's in love.
879
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,840
Oh, please.
Please, don't make me sick.
880
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,200
You haven't even seen him.
He looks like a pole.
881
00:48:13,240 --> 00:48:16,080
You mean a Polish person?
No, a flag pole.
882
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:19,800
I'd rather be fried in oil
than kiss Jordan strang.
883
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:22,360
Is he at least nice?
He has to be.
884
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:23,920
What else does he have
going for him?
885
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:28,080
This is my favorite part.
886
00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:45,120
Ow.
887
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,080
Do you want to?
888
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:26,680
Have you...
Have you ever done it?
889
00:49:26,720 --> 00:49:29,320
No.
890
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:31,800
Do you have something?
891
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:42,520
Uh!
892
00:50:01,360 --> 00:50:02,880
Ah.
893
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:20,240
Ow.
894
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:25,600
Ah.
895
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:32,760
It's over.
896
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:34,600
It is?
897
00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:37,920
Oh, my god.
898
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:40,120
Who is it? My mother.
899
00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:42,000
Ah... hurry up.
900
00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:43,280
Your mother?!
901
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:44,800
Jordan, are you home?
902
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:46,800
I got to get out of here
903
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:49,320
oh, my god,
she's never home this early.
904
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:50,560
Jordon?
905
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,000
Oh, god, this isn't happening.
906
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:54,960
Please, Erica, hurry.
Get dressed.
907
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,200
What do you think I'm doing?
908
00:50:56,240 --> 00:50:57,240
Jordan!
909
00:50:58,240 --> 00:51:00,600
Oh, hello.
910
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:03,080
And who is this?
911
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:09,640
This is Erica, mom.
Hello, Erica.
912
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:13,640
Hello. Nice to meet you.
913
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:15,040
W... I...
914
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:16,920
Would you kids
like something to eat?
915
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:19,080
How about a nice cup of cocoa?
916
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:20,400
No... no.
917
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:24,600
Uh, I was just leaving.
I have to get home.
918
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:27,000
Your mother's probably
expecting you, I imagine.
919
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:32,720
No, she's away. And your father?
920
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:38,040
He lives somewhere else.
921
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:40,480
Why don't you two come and talk
to me for a minute, will you?
922
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,280
I'm so glad I came home early.
923
00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:47,800
Two appointments
cancelled back to back.
924
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:50,016
Oh, Jordan, we have a wonderful
letter from aunt Judith.
925
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:53,000
They apparently have gone back
to that dude ranch in Wyoming,
926
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:56,560
and they enclosed a photo of
bernice trying to lasso a horse.
927
00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,320
Ha ha ha! It looked
like fun, actually.
928
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:03,400
My aching dogs.
929
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:06,120
Ooh! I wonder why
they call them dogs?
930
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,680
That's the kind of thing
Jordan always seems to know.
931
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:10,040
I do not.
932
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:11,080
Ah... Erica,
933
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,080
perhaps your mother
has spoken to you about this,
934
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,840
but since she's away...
I'd like to offer you
935
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:19,800
a bit of unsolicited advice,
if I may.
936
00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:23,280
Oh, no, not this.
937
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:24,576
I'm just going
to run through a few basics,
938
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:27,240
perhaps remind you
of a few things.
939
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:29,840
You recognize these, I bet...
940
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:32,040
Your ovaries.
941
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:34,760
But the very tricky
thing about ovaries
942
00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:37,640
is that when you're
a teenage girl and perhaps
943
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:40,920
a teeny tiny bit irregular, hmm?
944
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:43,720
You just never know when
one of these is going to kick in
945
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:46,640
and release that little egg,
sending it off on its journey
946
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:49,480
where it could get into
a heap of trouble.
947
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:52,360
Erica! Erica!
Leave me alone, Opal.
948
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:55,240
You've been in there all night.
Don't you want to do something?
949
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:58,280
Don't you want to
hyperventilate or something?
950
00:52:58,320 --> 00:53:00,200
Go away.
951
00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:59,800
Sylvia, darling.
I'm opening at the trop.
952
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:01,720
The tropicana?
953
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,160
Look at me, eight months ago
954
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,160
I thought it was a juice.
Ha-ha! She thought...
955
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,920
Now, I not only know that
it's a hotel in Las Vegas,
956
00:54:09,960 --> 00:54:12,040
but I refer to it
only by its nickname.
957
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:14,160
Ha ha! You're wonderful.
So you're gonna be there
958
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:17,080
the 29th - 31st of this month...
959
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:19,640
She never said anything
about changing her hair.
960
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,640
Do you like it? I don't know.
961
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,280
Erica, come see mom's hair.
It's different.
962
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,240
You're fabulous.
You're wonderful.
963
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,176
On the buses I'm sure people
will stop you and go "bauck".
964
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:32,000
I do, I get a lot of,
"baulk, baulk". I do, I get...
965
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,240
However, shortly after that
commercial, my older daughter
966
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,840
decided she wanted
to change her last name.
967
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:41,560
Oh no, that's horrible.
How does that make you feel?
968
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:43,680
Well, not that I felt
rejected or anything...
969
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:48,040
I mean if she wants to call herself
Schnertle instead of Ingels...
970
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:50,200
Ha ha ha... What did you think?
971
00:54:50,240 --> 00:54:54,240
Erica, I'm watching.
You told her, didn't you?
972
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:56,400
Take it easy, Erica.
It's just a joke.
973
00:54:56,440 --> 00:54:58,120
Ha ha ha!
974
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:00,200
Artists always use things
from their lives, Erica.
975
00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:02,080
Shut up, Opal. Just shut up!
976
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:08,320
I was playing Las Vegas.
977
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:10,800
Me, I was up there in lights.
978
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:12,160
Like, Sinatra,
979
00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:13,680
and "starring
"englebert humperdink"
980
00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:17,200
and "all you can eat for 3.99".
981
00:55:17,240 --> 00:55:19,400
I love Las Vegas.
982
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:21,320
Jordan says Las Vegas is a place
983
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:25,160
where people with empty lives
and no values go to have fun.
984
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:28,800
It's a moral desert,
and we were there.
985
00:55:28,840 --> 00:55:31,600
I see her! I see her!
Who doesn't?
986
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:33,800
Opal, Erica. Hello, sweethearts.
987
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:35,480
I'm never speaking to you again.
988
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:38,320
Honey, honey, you're going
the wrong way. It's this way.
989
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:42,120
Are you planning on
telling me what this is about?
990
00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:43,920
What is this about? Schnertle.
991
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,920
How dare you! How dare you use
things that you know about me
992
00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:50,760
in public. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
993
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:53,640
You can't imagine
what it's like on these shows.
994
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,360
There's nothing in your head,
you have to say something,
995
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:58,280
then this thing pops out.
996
00:55:58,320 --> 00:55:59,816
Dottie, we were at
the 10:00 show last night...
997
00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:01,440
You were terrific!
998
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,200
Could we have your autograph?
Well, of course.
999
00:56:04,240 --> 00:56:06,536
You could of at least had the
decency to wait until I'm dead.
1000
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:08,120
We'll talk about this
in a second.
1001
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:09,400
Oh, I don't have a pen.
1002
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:11,160
I have a pen.
What are your names?
1003
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:13,160
My name is Dawna.
She's Charlene.
1004
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,640
Hi, Charlene. D-a-w-n-a.
1005
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:18,280
Do you like this? People just come
up to you and don't even knock?
1006
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:20,280
Could you get a picture of us?
1007
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:23,480
Oh, my pleasure. All right.
1008
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:25,960
Okay, one, two, three... Cheese!
1009
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:30,000
Thank you so much.
Come back and see me.
1010
00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:33,080
Erica, that's enough! Erica!
1011
00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:40,000
I have to use my life
to make things up.
1012
00:56:40,040 --> 00:56:42,560
That's what comedians do,
you know that.
1013
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:47,360
Your life, but not mine.
I'm sorry.
1014
00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:50,920
It's just that our lives
are all tangled up together.
1015
00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:53,960
Come on.
1016
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:58,880
So many wonderful things
are happening for me right now,
1017
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:00,800
it has to be okay with you.
1018
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:02,720
What wonderful things?
1019
00:57:02,760 --> 00:57:04,640
Just everything.
1020
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:12,320
This is us.
1021
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:14,520
Lifestyles of
the rich and famous!
1022
00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:17,080
Well, I'm not quite rich
and not quite famous,
1023
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:19,040
but look where we are!
Thank you.
1024
00:57:21,120 --> 00:57:23,000
Welcome to lifestyles
1025
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,800
of the not quite rich
and not quite famous.
1026
00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:28,600
Today we are visiting
Opal and Erica Ingels.
1027
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:30,520
Although I am not sure
we're going to be able
1028
00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:34,440
to visit with Erica Ingels
because she is into privacy.
1029
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:37,720
Oh, all right.
1030
00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:01,680
That's my mom!
1031
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:11,760
Here we are.
1032
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,240
Phil, can you
put those in my room
1033
00:58:13,280 --> 00:58:15,520
and the bags
in the girls' room, please?
1034
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:17,840
How did you get roses?
And you know the best thing?
1035
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:21,319
After these die, boom,
new ones. Immediately.
1036
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:23,239
Anything you want.
Read ones, pink ones...
1037
00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,480
Silver ones? Silver ones, too.
1038
00:58:25,520 --> 00:58:27,360
A parlor?
1039
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:33,880
- You see that?
- Yeah.
1040
00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:35,840
That's the main spot. My spot.
1041
00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:39,400
It happens to be the only one
that I know how to operate.
1042
00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:41,800
Hey, Billy.
Hi. These are my girls.
1043
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:44,240
This is Erica and this is...
1044
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:46,600
Veronica. Veronica Lodge.
1045
00:58:46,640 --> 00:58:49,160
And I'm Archie Andrews.
1046
00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:51,160
So, Veronica,
you win any money yet?
1047
00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:52,360
I'm too young.
1048
00:58:52,400 --> 00:58:55,400
Mmm, well you want
to come for a spin?
1049
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:00,000
I'll show you the sights.
1050
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:05,640
Who here is in love?
1051
00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:07,400
Let me see some hands.
Anybody in love here?
1052
00:59:07,440 --> 00:59:10,360
Oh, quite a few.
A very lucky bunch.
1053
00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:12,760
I used to have
a problem with love.
1054
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:15,120
I mean, I believed in love
between a mother and a child,
1055
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,040
between a man and his car...
1056
00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:20,839
But this other kind of love I...
1057
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:23,719
You know there are times
when you really are in love
1058
00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:26,200
and you're almost
completely deranged.
1059
00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:29,320
You're sure that people can tell
just by looking at you,
1060
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:32,200
because you cannot stop smiling.
1061
00:59:34,360 --> 00:59:39,160
A horrible car accident happens
right in front of your eyes.
1062
00:59:42,840 --> 00:59:45,320
Twenty-three people
get whiplash.
1063
00:59:46,800 --> 00:59:50,440
You wake up in
the middle of the night.
1064
00:59:50,480 --> 00:59:53,479
Something nice happened.
What was it?
1065
00:59:53,480 --> 00:59:56,360
Right. It was love.
1066
01:00:03,080 --> 01:00:05,840
And then he let me wear his hat,
1067
01:00:05,880 --> 01:00:06,760
and it was so amazing,
1068
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,760
because when mom
was talking about love,
1069
01:00:09,800 --> 01:00:12,640
I felt like it was
totally about me.
1070
01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:15,520
It was everything I was feeling
and she was just saying it.
1071
01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:18,280
It was like a deja vu.
1072
01:00:18,320 --> 01:00:20,360
That's not what deja vu is.
1073
01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:23,200
I couldn't believe
all that stuff.
1074
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:25,120
She doesn't believe in love.
1075
01:00:25,160 --> 01:00:28,120
On top of everything else,
she's become a giant fake.
1076
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,919
Then I had to give the hat back.
1077
01:00:30,920 --> 01:00:33,760
I don't know if I'm
ever gonna see him again.
1078
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:37,000
Oh god, Erica, is this
what my life's gonna be like?
1079
01:00:42,040 --> 01:00:44,920
Are you sure this is okay?
1080
01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:47,680
Shhh! Let me just see
if they're asleep.
1081
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:11,080
Give me the glass.
1082
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:16,920
What's happening?
1083
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:25,520
They're going into the bedroom.
1084
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:30,560
What are you doing? Shhh!
1085
01:02:05,160 --> 01:02:07,760
How old would you say he was?
1086
01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:10,120
Twenty-something at the most.
1087
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,560
This is just revolting.
1088
01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:13,520
How do you think I feel?
1089
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,080
Mind if we join you?
1090
01:02:17,120 --> 01:02:19,399
Here's your breakfast, girls.
1091
01:02:19,400 --> 01:02:22,120
How do you two do at the tables last night?
Win a bundle?
1092
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:24,120
What would you say
if I told you our mother
1093
01:02:24,160 --> 01:02:26,920
was sleeping with somebody
totally inappropriate?
1094
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:29,920
That's the only type
I ever sleep with.
1095
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:31,079
We know.
1096
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:32,680
Here's your coffee.
1097
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:34,919
Some who is
completely the wrong age.
1098
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:37,600
We're talking parent-child here.
1099
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:39,920
Good morning, everyone.
1100
01:02:41,640 --> 01:02:43,480
Something happening?
1101
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:46,200
What's the matter, sweetie.
What happened?
1102
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:49,000
I was just talking with your
wonderful girls here and I'm afraid
1103
01:02:49,040 --> 01:02:51,600
we're gonna have to tell them
what's been going on.
1104
01:02:51,640 --> 01:02:54,120
Just put everything
on the table.
1105
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:57,959
Opal thinks you're involved with
someone who's wrong for you.
1106
01:02:57,960 --> 01:03:00,920
Inappropriate. Really?
1107
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:03,879
Now, I have a lot of experience.
1108
01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:06,759
That's what happens
when you're as old as I am.
1109
01:03:06,760 --> 01:03:08,520
And I happen to know
that children
1110
01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:11,640
whose parents are divorced
always have a rough time
1111
01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:14,240
with the idea that their
mother is with someone new
1112
01:03:14,280 --> 01:03:16,160
because somewhere
they have this fantasy
1113
01:03:16,200 --> 01:03:18,440
that their father
is coming back.
1114
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:21,280
I don't have any fantasies
about my father.
1115
01:03:21,320 --> 01:03:23,080
I don't even remember my father.
1116
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:26,200
I don't even remember one
single thing about my father.
1117
01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:29,080
Well, believe me sweetheart,
the fantasy is there.
1118
01:03:29,120 --> 01:03:31,960
This isn't about our father.
This is about mom sleeping with
1119
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:34,720
someone young enough who's young
enough to be Opal's boyfriend.
1120
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:37,280
I'm sleeping with him.
With "the Moss"?
1121
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:39,640
You're sleeping with "the Moss"?
1122
01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:42,160
"The Moss"?
1123
01:03:42,200 --> 01:03:44,960
What about Claudia?
What about me?
1124
01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:47,320
You're in love with "the Moss".
1125
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:49,600
What on earth
gave you that idea?
1126
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:52,120
You said so.
You said you were hung up
1127
01:03:52,160 --> 01:03:54,960
on some crazy fat guy who was
about 20 years older than you.
1128
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:56,880
I'm not 20 years older than her.
1129
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,640
That just about describes just
about every guy I go out with.
1130
01:03:59,680 --> 01:04:01,680
When you're my age, honey,
that's all there is.
1131
01:04:01,720 --> 01:04:04,999
What about the hat? What hat?
1132
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:07,040
The baseball hat. The mets hat.
1133
01:04:07,080 --> 01:04:09,840
The lighting guy gave that to me.
That's for you.
1134
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:11,800
It's mine. Yes.
1135
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:14,160
He gave it to me?
Billy gave it to me?
1136
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:17,000
I can't believe that's what you're
thinking about at a time like this.
1137
01:04:17,040 --> 01:04:21,320
At a time like what?
Are you in love?
1138
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:30,840
Don't you realize that
all she wanted was to have us
1139
01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:34,080
as far away as possible so she
could just carry on with him?
1140
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:37,240
Suppose they get married
and he adopts us?
1141
01:04:37,280 --> 01:04:38,840
Could he do that?
1142
01:04:38,880 --> 01:04:40,519
They could do
anything they want.
1143
01:04:40,520 --> 01:04:43,800
Our last name would be Moss.
1144
01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:47,480
I'd be Opal Moss.
1145
01:04:48,600 --> 01:04:50,640
We'd all be "the Moss".
1146
01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:55,280
Dad has to stop this
from happening. Dad?
1147
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,200
He doesn't care about us.
1148
01:04:57,240 --> 01:04:59,760
Do you think he wants
someone else to adopt us?
1149
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:02,160
If Arnold Moss adopts us,
you know what will happen?
1150
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:03,416
She'll go away
on business trips,
1151
01:05:03,440 --> 01:05:05,040
and guess who
we'll be living with?
1152
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:07,240
The Moss? Duh.
1153
01:05:07,280 --> 01:05:09,600
We've got to tell dad.
1154
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:12,360
How are we gonna find him?
1155
01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:16,040
The amazing thing was
that mom was right, for once.
1156
01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:18,439
Everyone in the world
is two phone calls away
1157
01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:21,800
from everyone else in the
world. First I called Ruby.
1158
01:05:21,840 --> 01:05:24,199
Ruby, hi. This is Erica.
1159
01:05:24,200 --> 01:05:27,079
Fine. She's fine.
1160
01:05:27,080 --> 01:05:29,320
Ruby, didn't you tell us once
1161
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:32,520
that you knew
a private detective?
1162
01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:35,600
Well, I'm doing this
project for school, and...
1163
01:05:35,640 --> 01:05:38,600
And then I called this private
detective on west 53rd street.
1164
01:05:38,640 --> 01:05:42,840
Yes, this is Erica Ingels.
I'd like to make an appointment.
1165
01:05:42,880 --> 01:05:45,360
It's about a
missing persons case.
1166
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:49,040
Could it be a little later,
after 3:15?
1167
01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:53,959
That's fine. Thanks.
Does he take visa?
1168
01:05:53,960 --> 01:05:56,520
Miss, do you
know where he used to work?
1169
01:05:56,560 --> 01:05:57,320
No.
1170
01:05:57,360 --> 01:06:00,679
Did you bring me
a photograph of him?
1171
01:06:00,680 --> 01:06:02,920
We don't have one.
1172
01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:05,000
He hated carpeting.
1173
01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:10,280
Muchas gracias.
1174
01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:15,040
How did he find him?
I don't know.
1175
01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:16,960
Credit cards or something.
1176
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:19,840
It was so easy. It was just like
he's been in the lost and found,
1177
01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:22,599
only he hasn't.
He's been in Albany.
1178
01:06:22,600 --> 01:06:25,600
You're just going
to go live in Albany?
1179
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:28,520
Just like that? I'm not sure.
1180
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:32,400
She's not really
a suitable mother.
1181
01:06:32,440 --> 01:06:34,760
I mean, I'm already
practically grown up,
1182
01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:37,480
but what about Opal?
She still needs a parent.
1183
01:06:37,520 --> 01:06:40,640
Maybe he's worse than your mom.
Maybe he drinks.
1184
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:43,240
Maybe he's a maniac.
1185
01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:45,840
Maybe you're gonna
have to sleep on the couch.
1186
01:06:47,360 --> 01:06:52,440
Erica, maybe the hell you know
1187
01:06:52,480 --> 01:06:55,280
is better than
the one you don't.
1188
01:07:00,040 --> 01:07:01,960
What about us?
1189
01:07:04,600 --> 01:07:10,320
"Lifestyles of the rich
and famous".
1190
01:07:11,680 --> 01:07:13,960
- Very rich.
- Lifestyles.
1191
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,200
Mom's in love. Guess who with?
1192
01:07:22,240 --> 01:07:24,120
I haven't a clue. Arnold Moss.
1193
01:07:24,160 --> 01:07:26,960
Your mother
does not mess around.
1194
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:28,640
It's so disgusting.
1195
01:07:28,680 --> 01:07:30,800
No, listen, Opal.
I think that's very nice
1196
01:07:30,840 --> 01:07:33,160
that your mother's
having a relationship.
1197
01:07:33,200 --> 01:07:35,480
Sex. She's having sex.
1198
01:07:35,520 --> 01:07:38,360
Yes, well, I guess that's part of
it, but it's not all of it.
1199
01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:41,200
I mean, it couldn't possibly be,
I mean, not with the Moss.
1200
01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:45,319
I'm sorry. Oh, god, I'm sorry.
1201
01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:48,920
I should not be
laughing at your tragedy.
1202
01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:50,920
Do you do it? What?
1203
01:07:50,960 --> 01:07:52,840
Have sex? Oh, yes, sure.
1204
01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:55,360
Do you. Sure.
1205
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:58,800
You know, your mother
will probably
1206
01:07:58,840 --> 01:08:01,121
be on this show some day.
If she's sleeping with the Moss,
1207
01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:02,600
she's headed
straight for the top.
1208
01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:07,000
You're right. We'll probably
never see her again
1209
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:08,816
unless she's on television.
Or unless she can manage
1210
01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:11,280
to combine being home
with being on television.
1211
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:18,760
Welcome to lifestyles of
the almost rich, nearly famous
1212
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:20,680
and never home.
1213
01:08:20,720 --> 01:08:24,040
Tonight, we travel the subway
to the West Side of Manhattan
1214
01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:27,120
to visit the apartment
of comedian Dottie Ingels.
1215
01:08:27,160 --> 01:08:29,120
This is Martin the doorman,
1216
01:08:29,160 --> 01:08:31,399
whose cousin painted Dottie
Ingels' walls
1217
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,000
that she almost never sees.
1218
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:36,160
Martin, tell me,
how often would you say
1219
01:08:36,200 --> 01:08:39,560
the almost rich, nearly famous
and never home Dottie Ingels
1220
01:08:39,600 --> 01:08:42,759
is actually in residence?
Is it fair to say never?
1221
01:08:42,760 --> 01:08:44,679
We'll take that shrug
to mean almost never,
1222
01:08:44,680 --> 01:08:46,720
because on this
cloudy day in may
1223
01:08:46,760 --> 01:08:49,520
when lifestyles of the almost
rich, nearly famous and never home
1224
01:08:49,560 --> 01:08:52,120
decided to visit
comedian Dottie Ingels,
1225
01:08:52,160 --> 01:08:53,576
she agreed for once to be there,
since her appearance
1226
01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:57,000
will be on television and will
possibly further her career.
1227
01:08:57,040 --> 01:08:59,080
Dottie and I sat in her bedroom
1228
01:08:59,120 --> 01:09:02,520
amidst the dots she is nearly
famous for and talked.
1229
01:09:02,560 --> 01:09:04,360
Dottie, tell me,
1230
01:09:04,400 --> 01:09:06,440
where do you get your material?
1231
01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:12,040
All artists use things
from their lives, Robin,
1232
01:09:12,080 --> 01:09:14,439
and I am no exception. No siree.
1233
01:09:14,440 --> 01:09:17,800
For instance, my aunt,
who saved me and my two girls,
1234
01:09:17,840 --> 01:09:19,720
or is it boys?
1235
01:09:19,760 --> 01:09:23,040
No, I believe I have girls.
And, what are their names?
1236
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,560
Oh, never mind,
it'll come to me.
1237
01:09:25,600 --> 01:09:29,080
My aunt, who saved me from
starvation and poverty died
1238
01:09:29,120 --> 01:09:31,719
and the next thing you know,
she was a joke in my act.
1239
01:09:31,720 --> 01:09:33,320
My daughter got all upset
1240
01:09:33,360 --> 01:09:35,520
and the first chance I had,
I blabbed it on television.
1241
01:09:35,560 --> 01:09:38,920
I used people up
and I spit them out.
1242
01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:41,560
Now I am sleeping
with a very important person
1243
01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:44,240
and pretending to be in love.
I mean, what, I ask you,
1244
01:09:44,280 --> 01:09:46,919
what is the point of love
if it can't get you somewhere?
1245
01:09:46,920 --> 01:09:48,840
But that's another story.
1246
01:09:48,880 --> 01:09:52,679
Oh, there are my two girls now.
Oh, at least I think it's them.
1247
01:09:52,680 --> 01:09:55,719
Erica, don't chew your hair.
Opal, you're perfect.
1248
01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:59,440
Open your ears, close your eyes,
are you paying attention?
1249
01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:02,520
This is a life lesson.
Everything is material.
1250
01:10:02,560 --> 01:10:04,280
I'll be back in 20 years.
1251
01:10:04,320 --> 01:10:07,240
Think of it
as an adventure, girls.
1252
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:11,880
Mia, Lynn...
If you'll excuse us.
1253
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:22,520
You ungrateful, selfish...
1254
01:10:22,560 --> 01:10:24,760
Bitch!
You shut your mouth, Erica.
1255
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:25,720
No!
1256
01:10:25,760 --> 01:10:27,360
This is the first time
1257
01:10:27,400 --> 01:10:29,560
that I've been away from you
in your entire life!
1258
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:33,760
Don't I ever get a turn?
Isn't it ever okay for me to have a life?
1259
01:10:33,800 --> 01:10:36,600
You know, I really don't
understand this.
1260
01:10:36,640 --> 01:10:38,800
When I was unhappy,
my daughters were happy.
1261
01:10:38,840 --> 01:10:41,080
How that I'm happy,
you're miserable.
1262
01:10:41,120 --> 01:10:43,000
Is that fair? Is it?
1263
01:10:43,040 --> 01:10:45,240
I'm not talking
with him in the room.
1264
01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:48,480
He's with me.
Oh, so you're choosing between us?
1265
01:10:48,520 --> 01:10:51,040
My dad would really love this
if he knew about it.
1266
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:53,520
Your dad? If you're so unhappy,
1267
01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:55,440
why don't you
go live with your dad?
1268
01:10:55,480 --> 01:10:58,080
Maybe I will. Good.
1269
01:10:58,120 --> 01:11:00,760
Oh, right, I forgot.
You don't know where he is.
1270
01:11:00,800 --> 01:11:02,160
And I don't know where he is.
1271
01:11:02,200 --> 01:11:04,920
Could that be because he doesn't
give a damn about any of us?!
1272
01:11:04,960 --> 01:11:07,600
No! Of course not!
Just because he couldn't stand you
1273
01:11:07,640 --> 01:11:10,480
doesn't mean he doesn't
care about what happens to us.
1274
01:11:10,520 --> 01:11:12,960
You shut up! I hate you!
1275
01:11:18,040 --> 01:11:19,920
Excuse me, I have homework.
1276
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:21,000
On the weekend?
1277
01:11:21,040 --> 01:11:23,800
I have homework every weekend,
but you wouldn't know.
1278
01:11:27,120 --> 01:11:29,640
What do they expect me to do?
1279
01:11:29,680 --> 01:11:32,560
Do they want me to go back
to the cosmetics counter?
1280
01:11:38,320 --> 01:11:41,840
Do you want me to sell cosmetics
forever, is that what you want?
1281
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:44,040
Get out! Just get out!
1282
01:11:44,080 --> 01:11:46,000
All right!
1283
01:11:50,800 --> 01:11:52,800
Who was I suppose
to leave them with?
1284
01:11:52,840 --> 01:11:56,560
Other people have
husbands, relatives, somebody.
1285
01:12:02,000 --> 01:12:04,519
Who was I suppose
to leave you with anyway?
1286
01:12:04,520 --> 01:12:07,079
You solve this problem!
You tell me, all right!
1287
01:12:07,080 --> 01:12:09,959
Fishka fishka foon,
fishka fishka foon...
1288
01:12:09,960 --> 01:12:14,600
Erica, I don't have anyone!
1289
01:12:14,640 --> 01:12:17,959
I don't have anyone to help me!
1290
01:12:17,960 --> 01:12:20,519
She really doesn't.
1291
01:12:20,520 --> 01:12:22,439
Sorry, Erica.
1292
01:12:22,440 --> 01:12:24,359
Fishka fishka foon,
fishka fishka foon,
1293
01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:26,280
fishka fishka foon.
1294
01:12:38,240 --> 01:12:42,760
Opening on West End Avenue,
a revival of flapjacks.
1295
01:12:44,520 --> 01:12:47,400
Come on. Hey, come on,
we can talk.
1296
01:12:55,120 --> 01:12:57,160
Opal, sweetheart?
1297
01:13:03,560 --> 01:13:07,520
Erica?
1298
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:10,280
Erica?
1299
01:13:12,360 --> 01:13:14,120
Erica?
1300
01:14:14,680 --> 01:14:17,400
Hi, you been waiting long? No.
1301
01:14:17,440 --> 01:14:19,456
Oh, that's good, because I've
got the TV going and the vacuum,
1302
01:14:19,480 --> 01:14:21,360
I didn't hear a damn thing.
1303
01:14:21,400 --> 01:14:23,520
What are you selling?
I'm always looking.
1304
01:14:23,560 --> 01:14:27,120
I'm Erica Ingels. This is Opal.
1305
01:14:27,160 --> 01:14:29,880
Oh, then you must be
relatives of Norm's.
1306
01:14:29,920 --> 01:14:33,080
I'm his wife, Martha.
We're his children.
1307
01:14:34,920 --> 01:14:36,560
You don't say.
1308
01:14:37,800 --> 01:14:42,320
I do believe that he mentioned
he had kids once upon a time.
1309
01:14:42,360 --> 01:14:45,680
Well, come on in.
Won't norm be surprised.
1310
01:15:00,080 --> 01:15:04,840
Norm? Hi. I've got
a big surprise for you.
1311
01:15:04,880 --> 01:15:06,840
Your girls are here.
1312
01:15:08,400 --> 01:15:10,480
Erica and Opal.
1313
01:15:10,520 --> 01:15:13,160
No kidding.
1314
01:15:13,200 --> 01:15:14,200
Okay.
1315
01:15:16,920 --> 01:15:20,360
He was real surprised.
He'll be here in two shakes.
1316
01:15:25,520 --> 01:15:27,559
What does he do?
1317
01:15:27,560 --> 01:15:30,439
Oh, dear. You don't
even know what he does?
1318
01:15:30,440 --> 01:15:33,160
He's a middleman,
and to tell the truth,
1319
01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:35,559
I don't know
exactly what that is,
1320
01:15:35,560 --> 01:15:38,119
except it does have
something to do with fruit.
1321
01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:42,080
You mean he gets a bunch of apples
from some place and gets them to a&p?
1322
01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:44,839
Maybe. He told me
a couple of times,
1323
01:15:44,840 --> 01:15:47,239
but it just flew
right out of my head.
1324
01:15:47,240 --> 01:15:49,799
Hon, just the other day.
I was reading this article
1325
01:15:49,800 --> 01:15:53,440
in people magazine about that man
who murdered his entire family
1326
01:15:53,480 --> 01:15:55,840
including the grandma
18 years ago, then he went off,
1327
01:15:55,880 --> 01:16:00,160
got married again. And his
new wife had absolutely no idea.
1328
01:16:00,200 --> 01:16:03,520
I said to myself,
Martha, that could be you.
1329
01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:05,920
You don't know the least
little thing about norm,
1330
01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:08,679
and what he tells you,
you forget.
1331
01:16:08,680 --> 01:16:10,240
You want some lemonade?
1332
01:16:10,280 --> 01:16:12,640
No, thank you. Yes, thanks.
1333
01:16:17,320 --> 01:16:18,280
Look. What?
1334
01:16:18,281 --> 01:16:21,159
They have carpeting.
1335
01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:22,816
I never should have said
anything to you about carpeting.
1336
01:16:22,840 --> 01:16:25,320
You're obsessed with carpeting.
1337
01:16:30,920 --> 01:16:33,639
I called all their friends.
1338
01:16:33,640 --> 01:16:35,640
I called the baby-sitters.
1339
01:16:35,680 --> 01:16:38,200
Should I call the police?
They're going to be back.
1340
01:16:38,240 --> 01:16:40,120
I promise you
they're going to be back.
1341
01:16:40,160 --> 01:16:42,360
Sit tight.
The phone is gonna ring.
1342
01:16:42,400 --> 01:16:43,560
It's not ringing.
1343
01:16:43,600 --> 01:16:45,400
Come here and sit next to me.
1344
01:16:46,600 --> 01:16:49,120
We'll wait.
1345
01:16:59,040 --> 01:17:00,920
I'm a terrible person.
1346
01:17:00,960 --> 01:17:03,480
They love you.
1347
01:17:03,520 --> 01:17:06,040
People love terrible people
all the time.
1348
01:17:06,080 --> 01:17:09,160
That's true.
Someone was married to Paul Pot.
1349
01:17:10,720 --> 01:17:12,600
Erica was right.
1350
01:17:12,640 --> 01:17:15,000
I really didn't
think about them.
1351
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:17,520
I mean, I did think about them.
1352
01:17:17,560 --> 01:17:20,080
In the beginning I thought
about them all the time.
1353
01:17:20,120 --> 01:17:23,280
I spent 16 years doing
nothing but thinking about them
1354
01:17:23,320 --> 01:17:25,560
and now I spent three months
thinking about myself
1355
01:17:25,600 --> 01:17:28,560
and I feel like I murdered them.
1356
01:17:28,600 --> 01:17:29,639
You had to travel,
it's part of work.
1357
01:17:29,640 --> 01:17:32,480
Look, your kids are happy
when their mother is happy.
1358
01:17:32,520 --> 01:17:35,720
No, they're not.
Everyone says that, but it's not true.
1359
01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:38,960
Kids are happy if you're there.
You give kids a choice,
1360
01:17:39,000 --> 01:17:41,520
your mother in the next room
on the verge of suicide
1361
01:17:41,560 --> 01:17:43,880
versus your mother
in Hawaii in ecstasy,
1362
01:17:43,920 --> 01:17:47,640
they choose suicide
in the next room, believe me.
1363
01:17:55,320 --> 01:17:57,160
Did you ever see
it's a wonderful life?
1364
01:17:57,200 --> 01:17:58,599
Sure.
1365
01:17:58,600 --> 01:18:01,120
It's about this guy who has
dreams, he wants to travel,
1366
01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:03,879
he wants to build Bridges,
but in the end we're supposed
1367
01:18:03,880 --> 01:18:06,760
to believe that he's better off
because he never did any of it?
1368
01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:09,320
Now, that's all crap. It's crap.
1369
01:18:09,360 --> 01:18:12,200
I love that movie.
Well, it's total crap.
1370
01:18:12,240 --> 01:18:16,040
That's not what
that movie is saying.
1371
01:18:16,080 --> 01:18:18,760
It's saying if
a person stays home,
1372
01:18:18,800 --> 01:18:21,480
they can make an enormous
difference in the people's lives
1373
01:18:21,520 --> 01:18:23,120
who are near to them.
1374
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:26,920
If it weren't for Jimmy Stewart,
his brother would have died.
1375
01:18:26,960 --> 01:18:29,480
The pharmacist
would have gone to jail,
1376
01:18:29,520 --> 01:18:32,080
his children...
1377
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:37,159
He never ever
would have had his children.
1378
01:18:37,160 --> 01:18:39,720
His children
never would have been born.
1379
01:18:41,320 --> 01:18:43,239
What pharmacist?
1380
01:18:43,240 --> 01:18:46,119
There's a pharmacist.
1381
01:18:46,120 --> 01:18:48,999
I don't remember any pharmacist.
1382
01:18:49,000 --> 01:18:50,960
What am I going to do?
1383
01:19:03,080 --> 01:19:05,319
Did, ah, something happen
to your mother?
1384
01:19:05,320 --> 01:19:07,239
She's a comedian.
1385
01:19:07,240 --> 01:19:10,119
But is she all right?
Is she sick or anything?
1386
01:19:10,120 --> 01:19:12,240
No. She's never home.
We never see her.
1387
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,400
Well, where is she? She's home.
1388
01:19:14,440 --> 01:19:15,879
With "the Moss".
1389
01:19:15,880 --> 01:19:17,160
Oh, I've heard of that.
1390
01:19:17,200 --> 01:19:19,840
Once you get it,
you can never get rid of it.
1391
01:19:19,880 --> 01:19:21,799
She might get married.
1392
01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:22,920
How nice.
1393
01:19:22,960 --> 01:19:26,200
She's getting married.
And she's a comedian.
1394
01:19:27,640 --> 01:19:29,800
She's a comedian?
1395
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,840
Yes.
1396
01:19:32,880 --> 01:19:37,000
People pay money to see her?
That's funny.
1397
01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:42,800
What's so funny about it?
1398
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:46,080
She's been on television.
She's been in Las Vegas.
1399
01:19:46,120 --> 01:19:48,800
I don't see
what's so funny about it.
1400
01:19:48,840 --> 01:19:51,440
Look, I'm not surprised
that Dottie's run off
1401
01:19:51,480 --> 01:19:54,400
to be in show business.
That's all she cared about.
1402
01:19:54,440 --> 01:19:57,440
That's not all she cared about.
That's not fair.
1403
01:19:57,480 --> 01:19:59,760
She didn't run off.
1404
01:19:59,800 --> 01:20:01,680
She didn't even
try to become a comedian
1405
01:20:01,720 --> 01:20:04,080
until aunt Harriet died
and she finally had enough money
1406
01:20:04,120 --> 01:20:07,080
on top of what
she needed for all of us.
1407
01:20:09,400 --> 01:20:12,000
Your mother and I
don't get along.
1408
01:20:12,040 --> 01:20:13,840
I remember.
1409
01:20:15,040 --> 01:20:17,880
I don't. I mean, I tried,
1410
01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:21,560
but I just don't remember
anything, except when you left,
1411
01:20:21,600 --> 01:20:24,720
you said we were
going to be fidgety like mom.
1412
01:20:24,760 --> 01:20:27,640
Oh, my god.
I just remembered something.
1413
01:20:27,680 --> 01:20:29,520
It just popped out.
1414
01:20:29,560 --> 01:20:32,320
Don't you remember it,
you were there.
1415
01:20:36,240 --> 01:20:40,320
Norm, they came all the way
to Albany to see you.
1416
01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:43,920
I think we should go now.
1417
01:20:43,960 --> 01:20:46,640
No. Stay. I'll make you
some egg salad sandwiches,
1418
01:20:46,680 --> 01:20:49,640
and then we'll
put you on the bus.
1419
01:20:49,680 --> 01:20:51,640
The train. The train.
1420
01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:54,360
It's gate 12.
1421
01:20:54,400 --> 01:20:57,360
You're all set?
1422
01:20:57,400 --> 01:21:00,039
Is there any diabetes? Where?
1423
01:21:00,040 --> 01:21:02,759
Anywhere? I don't think so.
1424
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,680
Although, it's possible my...
1425
01:21:05,720 --> 01:21:08,520
No, no,
that was some other thing.
1426
01:21:08,560 --> 01:21:11,600
Do you need some money?
Do you want our address?
1427
01:21:11,640 --> 01:21:13,240
Here's a 20.
1428
01:21:13,280 --> 01:21:15,320
Sure. Great.
I'd like your address.
1429
01:21:15,360 --> 01:21:18,400
Does anyone have
anything to write with?
1430
01:21:20,240 --> 01:21:22,800
Mom. Mom always has
something to write with.
1431
01:21:24,080 --> 01:21:26,920
Look, uh, you girls
better get on the train.
1432
01:21:26,960 --> 01:21:29,800
You have my address,
so send me yours.
1433
01:21:29,840 --> 01:21:32,519
Just, uh, stick it in the mail.
1434
01:21:32,520 --> 01:21:36,560
Okay.
1435
01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:38,000
Well...
1436
01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:43,720
Keep in touch.
1437
01:22:14,760 --> 01:22:17,600
He never said we were
going to be fidgety like mom.
1438
01:22:17,640 --> 01:22:19,239
He did, too.
1439
01:22:19,240 --> 01:22:23,400
He said we were
going to be frigid like mom.
1440
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:26,600
Oh. What does that mean?
1441
01:22:26,640 --> 01:22:28,400
Cold.
1442
01:22:28,440 --> 01:22:30,880
Mom's not cold.
1443
01:22:30,920 --> 01:22:34,000
In bed. Cold in bed.
1444
01:22:34,040 --> 01:22:37,480
Do you think mom's cold in bed.
1445
01:22:39,200 --> 01:22:42,040
With him, probably.
Who wouldn't be.
1446
01:23:38,520 --> 01:23:42,760
Look, it's mom, Erica!
Here! Here I am!
1447
01:23:42,800 --> 01:23:46,160
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
1448
01:23:46,200 --> 01:23:50,000
I'm here! Oh, Erica! Oh!
1449
01:23:50,040 --> 01:23:51,920
Oh, mom, I love you so much.
1450
01:23:51,960 --> 01:23:54,440
I love you! I love you!
1451
01:23:56,880 --> 01:24:01,040
It was my fault.
No, no, no, it was my fault.
1452
01:24:09,200 --> 01:24:10,960
I love you!
1453
01:24:19,760 --> 01:24:22,320
Mom, guess who we saw
on the train?
1454
01:24:22,360 --> 01:24:24,040
What did you see, sweetheart?
1455
01:24:24,080 --> 01:24:27,880
A man in a hairnet.
You did? Sweetheart.
1456
01:24:41,680 --> 01:24:44,400
I know, sweetheart.
The longest day of my life.
1457
01:24:53,040 --> 01:24:55,399
How did you know
which train we'd be on?
1458
01:24:55,400 --> 01:24:57,720
Norm's wife called me.
Martha called you.
1459
01:24:57,760 --> 01:24:59,239
Well, she didn't
tell me her name.
1460
01:24:59,240 --> 01:25:01,160
She just said
she was Norm's wife.
1461
01:25:01,200 --> 01:25:03,719
She was nice. Nicer than him.
1462
01:25:03,720 --> 01:25:06,720
So we made up.
And mom, for once,
1463
01:25:06,760 --> 01:25:08,520
didn't mention life lessons
1464
01:25:08,560 --> 01:25:10,759
the one time
there probably was one.
1465
01:25:10,760 --> 01:25:14,280
I don't know how
to explain what happened to me.
1466
01:25:14,320 --> 01:25:17,280
It was like
I was shot into orbit.
1467
01:25:17,320 --> 01:25:21,120
The air was thinner.
I lost my mind.
1468
01:25:21,160 --> 01:25:23,879
And you know,
I wish more than anything,
1469
01:25:23,880 --> 01:25:26,439
that someday,
the same thing happens to you.
1470
01:25:26,440 --> 01:25:29,319
Only I hope it happens
before you have children.
1471
01:25:29,320 --> 01:25:32,680
Afterwards, it's complicated.
It's very complicated.
1472
01:25:35,080 --> 01:25:38,400
I was away too much. I'm not going
to be away so much anymore, okay?
1473
01:25:38,440 --> 01:25:39,360
Okay.
1474
01:25:39,400 --> 01:25:42,119
Promise? Yes. Yes, I do.
1475
01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,039
But if something great comes up?
1476
01:25:44,040 --> 01:25:46,599
I'll do it. We'll work it out.
1477
01:25:46,600 --> 01:25:48,960
Somehow we're going
to work this out.
1478
01:25:49,000 --> 01:25:51,520
How? I have no idea.
1479
01:25:51,560 --> 01:25:54,279
Couldn't you do a TV show?
1480
01:25:54,280 --> 01:25:56,600
Then you could stay at home.
1481
01:25:56,640 --> 01:25:59,120
Yeah, sure. Yeah.
No, really. I mean it.
1482
01:25:59,160 --> 01:26:00,240
Well, it's possible.
1483
01:26:00,280 --> 01:26:01,480
It could be about a woman
1484
01:26:01,520 --> 01:26:03,480
who works at a makeup
counter in Queens.
1485
01:26:03,520 --> 01:26:05,280
Yeah. Absolutely.
1486
01:26:05,320 --> 01:26:08,120
A single mother
and her two kids.
1487
01:26:08,160 --> 01:26:10,720
Only they're not you.
Absolutely not.
1488
01:26:10,760 --> 01:26:11,976
Right. I mean, they don't
even have to be girls.
1489
01:26:12,000 --> 01:26:14,440
They could be boys. Boys?
1490
01:26:14,480 --> 01:26:16,480
Oh, we don't want to be boys.
1491
01:26:16,520 --> 01:26:18,760
No? All right, well then,
they're girls, they're girls.
1492
01:26:18,800 --> 01:26:20,696
You can pick their names.
What do you want to be called?
1493
01:26:20,720 --> 01:26:22,520
Felice. Are you serious?
1494
01:26:22,560 --> 01:26:26,640
Okay, Chenille.
Chenille? Oh, great.
1495
01:26:26,680 --> 01:26:29,440
I have a younger daughter
named Chenille.
1496
01:26:31,320 --> 01:26:33,200
Veronica.
1497
01:26:33,240 --> 01:26:38,400
Oh, sweetheart.
That's who you are.
1498
01:26:42,040 --> 01:26:44,440
What about the Moss?
1499
01:26:44,480 --> 01:26:47,520
Maybe you'll get to like
the Moss. He grows on you.
1500
01:26:52,280 --> 01:26:54,720
What about the dots?
116919
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