All language subtitles for Newhart - S02E05

- KIRK: Why are you
being so stubborn?

- I'm not being stubborn.
I'm just saying no.

- Why won't anybody
in this inn

ever do a favor for me?

- What are you guys
talking about?

- I want to borrow
George's truck,

and he won't let me.

- I won't let you

because you're
a terrible driver.

- You don't know that.

You've never even
ridden with me.

- Why do you need
George's truck?

- I wrecked my car.

- You're not
getting my truck,

and that's final.

- Fine. Then our
friendship is over.

Dick, give me your car.

- I can't. Joanna's at a
community theater meeting.

I promised
I'd pick her up.

- Why do you need a car
tonight, anyway?

- Because I have a date,

and I'd rather not pick
her up on a bicycle.

- Well, if nobody needs me
to do anything,

I'm going to drive into town
and try out my new sweater.

- How-- How do you
try out a new sweater?

- Well, you walk
down the street

and see if anybody
asks you out.

- Can I give you a lift?
- Sure. Thanks.

- Great.

Mind if we use your car?

- I'd better get going.

- So Joanna's going to be
in a play, huh?

- I guess.

- You know, I was in
a play once.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, it was
a Christmas pageant.

I played a shepherd.

- Sounds like a good part.

- Shepherd Bill.

- Okay. Good idea.

Okay, now, the next
order of business

is refreshments
for the intermission.

Chester, can we
count on Dora

making her hot cider
again this year?

- Oh, yes.
She's already laying in

a supply of cinnamon sticks.

- What about your brownies,
Shirley?

- They'll be here.

- If I don't eat
them all first.

- I'll take care
of the programs.

- Good. Then we're
all set there.

Uh, what about tickets?

- Uh--

- You'd like to handle
that this year, Joanna?

- No, Well, I mean, I will,

but that's not why I was
raising my hand.

I had a question.

- Oh? What's that?

- Well, we've been
sitting here

for over an hour

talking about publicity
and refreshments

and all that,

but I haven't heard
anyone mention

what play we're going to do.

- Oh, we're going to do
the same play we always do.

- Oh. What play is that?

- "My Fair Lady."

- You do "My Fair Lady"
every year?

- Since 1956.

- I'm Henry Higgins.

- I'm Colonel Pickering.

- And we were hoping that
this year, you'd be Eliza.

- Me? Eliza Doolittle?
But that's the lead.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm flattered.

The trouble is
I don't really sing.

- Don't worry about that.
We don't do the songs.

- You do "My Fair Lady"
without the music?

- Wait till you see it.
It really zips along.

- What we do is "Pygmalion."

It's just that they prefer
to call it "My Fair Lady"

without the songs.

- Uh-huh.
Uh, look, I--

I don't mean to toy
with tradition,

but have you ever considered
doing another play?

- What?
- Another play?

- Do you think
anybody would come?

- I'm sure they would.

- It's just
that everybody knows

"My Fair Lady"
without the songs.

They're used to it.

Towards the end
of the play,

the whole audience
usually says the lines

right along with us.

- I can't think of another
play they'd enjoy as much.

- JOANNA: Well--
- Say,

what if Dick
wrote us a play?

- What?
- Well, now, wait a minute.

That could
be a thought.

- Sure, everybody
in town knows Dick.

- Wait a minute.

- Can you imagine
the excitement

if we were doing a play
by our own Dick Loudon?

- Hey, hey, hey!
- People! People!

Dick doesn't write plays.
He writes books.

- Oh, a play would be a lot
easier to write than a book.

It's lots less words.

- Yeah.
- That's true.

- Well, I could ask him,

but I really wouldn't
count on anything.

- That's the spirit!
- Oh, Joanna!

- You better get busy
changing programs.

It's going to be a play
by Dick Loudon this year.

- I didn't say that.
I said I'd try.

- Now, how's he going to
turn you down, Joanna?

- Well, I don't know.

- Hey, everybody, look!
It's Dick!

[cheering]

- Thank you.

You, uh, you ready, honey?

- Joanna has something
to ask you, Dick.

- Oh, what's that?

- Uh, Dick, could I talk to
you in private for a second?

- Joanna, if this has
anything to do

with community theater,

I don't want
to get involved.

- They want you
to write a play.

- That's involved.

- Dick, I wouldn't be asking

if it wasn't for the fact
that I happen to know

you already have a play.

- Are you talking about
"The Girl From Manhattan"?

- Yes.

- I wrote that 16 years ago.
it's corny.

- I think it's wonderful.

- Well, of course
you think it's wonderful.

I wrote it for you. The main
character's name is Joanna.

- That has nothing
to do with it.

Besides, it's cute
and funny.

And, like you said,
you did write it for me,

so I don't see why I
shouldn't be able

to give it to them.

Look at their faces.

It would mean
so much to them.

- They-- They do love me.

- Please, honey?

- All right. I don't like it,
but you can have it--

- on one condition.
- What's that?

- That I don't
have to rewrite it,

I don't have
to direct it,

and I don't even
have to come to see it.

[ chattering ]

- DICK: Uh, excuse me.
E-Excuse me.

- Okay, quiet,
everybody!

The director's
trying to speak.

- Okay, who-- who wants to
audition now?

- I will.

- All right, Myrna, what are
you going to do for us?

- I'm going to do
the same thing I did

in "My Fair Lady"
without the songs.

There will now be
a ten-minute intermission.

Thank you.

- Well, thank-- thank you.

That's a very important
part of any play.

Okay, who's-- who's next?

George, you want
to audition?

- Uh, no. I wanted to ask
if I could make the sets.

- Does anyone else
want to make the sets?

It's yours.

- Whew.

- Okay, next?

Stephanie, I didn't know
you were going to audition.

- Oh, well, I'm not really.

I just realized
that I've, uh...

probably seen
a lot more real theater

than most people here.

I mean, I've seen "My Fair Lady"
with the songs.

I've seen "West Side Story."

I've seen "Camelot."

That I saw in Switzerland,
by the way,

with subtitles,

so I've really seen theater
all over the world.

Anyway, I'm here
if you need me.

- Thank you. I-- I feel
better already.

Okay, who's next?

- Well, Jim, I guess
it's you and me.

- We haven't auditioned
since 1956,

but we thought we'd do
the same thing we did then.

- Fine.

- It's a duet.
Are you ready?

1, 2...

- � You like potatoes �

- � And I like tomatoes �

- � You like po-tah-toes �

- � And I like to-mah-toes �

- � Potato �
- � To-mah-to �

- � Po-tah-to �
- � Tomato �

- � Let's call
the whole thing off �

- W-We didn't
get that right.

- It was-- It was fine.

Anyone else?

- Would anybody mind
if I go?

- What are you going
to do for us?

- Well, I thought
I'd do the first scene

in "The Girl From Manhattan"

where Joanna and her mother
arrive in New York

and see their apartment
for the first time.

- You have someone
to read with?

- Yeah, Shirley Dixon's
going to read Joanna's mother.

- But I'm not auditioning.

- Fine.

- You ready?
- Any time you are.

- Okay. Ahem.

Oh, Mother, look.

Isn't this the most
darling apartment

you've ever seen?

- Yes, dear, it is.

- Oh, and look
out the window.

You can see all of New York.

- I can't tell you
what it does for me

to see you this happy.

- Are you as happy as I am?

- Yes, dear. I'm happier

because I know
you're so happy.

- Then this is truly
a happy day.

- I'm going to have to fix
some of that.

Thank-- Thank you both.

[ chattering ]

- Uh, anyone else?

Well, then, I'd just--

just like to thank you
all for coming.

I thought you were all--
all very good.

I just wish the play
were as good as you were.

- Oh.
- That's nice.

- Well, I think
I've seen enough

to, uh, base my decisions on.

Uh, for those of you
who get into the play

but don't get the leads,
I want to remind you

there's no such thing
as a small part,

just small actors.

Okay, with, uh,
with that in mind,

the cast is:

uh, Woman Number 1,
Myrna Peck.

- Congratulations,
Myrna.

- Good choice.

- Mr. Ackley,
the Broadway producer,

Chester Wanamaker.

The Mayor of New York,
Jim Dixon.

- Oh, the Mayor, huh?

- In the part of Joanna,

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Ohh!

- And in the part--

in the part
of Joanna's mother,

Joanna Loudon.

So why don't we take
a short ten-minute break

and have some refreshments,

and then we'll come back
and read the play.

- Uh, honey? Could I see you
in the study for a second?

- Sure.

- Excuse us.

[ loud slam ]

- Something wrong?
- Joanna's mother?

- What part did you
think you'd get?

- Joanna.

- Joanna is a
22-year-old girl.

- But you wrote
this play for me.

It's my life story.

- No, it isn't.

Joanna in the play
stars on Broadway

and meets the Mayor
of New York.

You never did those things.

- Look, Dick,
you may not realize it,

but in the back of my mind
I always had this fantasy

that someday we'd do this
play in some little theater

and I would play Joanna.

- You did?

- I mean, I'm the only one
who tried out for the part,

and I still
didn't get it.

Stephanie didn't do anything.

- I know, but Stephanie was
the only girl in her 20s

out in that room.

Honey, I-- I would--
I would do anything

to give you this part.

But unfortunately, you're--
you're just too darn old.

I-- I mean for the part,
not-- not in real life.

- Fine, Dick.
You're the director.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

We'll just go out there

and put on our
happily married faces,

and no one will ever know
that you broke my heart.

- I love the theater.

- Hi, Mom.

Everything all right?

- Everything's fine.

- We're all ready, Dick.

- Fine. Why doesn't
everyone have a seat?

I'll read the stage
directions.

Okay, "The Girl From Manhattan,"
Act 1, Scene 1.

The time is 1966.

The setting is a small
apartment in New York City.

As the curtain goes up--

- Uh, actually, Dick,
our curtain doesn't go up.

It opens sideways.

- Okay, as the curtain
opens sideways...

uh, a beautiful girl,
Joanna McKenzie, enters,

followed by her
surprisingly young mother.

- Where does it say
that in the script?

- It-- It doesn't.
That's something else

I'm going to have to fix.

- Should we start?
- Go ahead.

- Oh, Mother, look.
Isn't this

the most darling apartment
you've ever seen?

- Yes, dear, it is.

- Oh. And look
out the window.

You can see
all of New York.

- I can't tell you
what it does for me

to see you this happy.

- Are you as happy as I am?

- Yes, dear. I'm happier

because I know
you're so happy.

- Well, that's one page.

Uh... I think we're, uh,
due for a break.

Uh, Joanna, could I, uh,

could I see you
in the study?

- Which Joanna
are you referring to?

- The Joanna who begged me
to do this play.

Excuse us.

- Is something wrong?

- Joanna's mother
is supposed to be

the sweetest, kindest,
most sympathetic character

in the play.
- So?

- You're playing her
like Vampyra.

Now, look, I made a perfectly
logical casting decision.

Now, I want you
to go out there,

stop acting like a child,
and do it right.

- And what if I don't?

- Then you will never work
in this town again.

- Honey, you'd better hurry up.
We're going to be late.

- Dick?
- Yeah, George.

- The play opens
tomorrow night,

and I've only got one more
thing to do on the set.

I just thought
I'd check with you first.

- What's that?

- It says you're supposed
to see New York

out the window.

What does New York look like?

- Well, George, it's one of the
largest cities in the world.

You know, it has rivers
and bridges

and hundreds
of tall buildings,

millions of lights.

- Maybe I'll just put
a curtain on the window.

- All right, Dick.
No more fooling around.

I've got a major date tonight.

I've got to have your car.

- I'm sorry. Joanna
and I need the car

to go to rehearsal.

- You're not using my truck.
- Name your price.

- There's nothing you
have that I want.

- Don't give me that.
You love my hamburgers.

What will it be, free meals?
How many?

- Okay, I want all my meals
for a month.

- That's stupid. I'll give
you one cheeseburger.

- Okay, I want all my meals
for a week.

- I'll give you one cheeseburger
and French fries.

- Okay, I'll take one
cheeseburger, French fries,

and dessert.

- I'll give you
one cheeseburger,

French fries,
and your own booth.

- And dessert.
- No dessert.

One play on the juke box.

- Deal.
- Keys.

- I won.

- Okay, I'm ready.

- All right, let me
get my stuff,

and we can go.

I'll be in the car.

- Aren't you going
to wait for me?

- Fine. You're the director.

- Joanna, why don't you
close the door

and let's talk?
- Why?

- Because I don't want to go
to our last rehearsal

with the two of us
mad at each other.

- I'll let you know how it went.
- Joanna.

Please come down here.

Look, let's be honest.

The last two weeks
haven't been great.

- I've been doing
the best I can.

- I-- I know you have.
I made a mistake.

I never should have cast you
as Joanna's mother.

- Well, at least
we agree on something.

- I mean, you were right
to begin with.

The problem is you're--
you're just too young.

- I am?

- Well, don't you think
that's the problem?

- Well, sure,
but I thought you said

I was too old to be Joanna.

- Well, you are,
but you're also

too young to be her mother.

- Well, what am I, her aunt?

- What if you were
her sister?

- Her sister?
- Yeah.

- Wait a minute.

Would you only be doing
this to make me happy?

[ laughs ]

- No, no, no.

No.

Would it?

- Well, yes, but isn't it
going to look a little funny

going to the last rehearsal

and telling everyone
that now I'm Joanna's sister?

- No, I'll just
tell everyone

that this
kind of thing happens

all the time
in the theater.

- Does it?

- In practically
every play ever done.

I think I read one time

that up until opening night

it was "The Queen and I."

- Well, I have to admit
I like the idea.

But wouldn't that
throw the whole play off?

- No. Instead of Stephanie
saying "Mother,"

she'll just say "sister."

- Well, I am so much happier.

- Well, then, that's
frosting on the cake.

- Ohh.

- JOANNA: So tell me,
how did the audition go?

- STEPHANIE:
I was so nervous,

but I think I was very good.

The producer
kept smiling at me.

- Dick, would you like
a cup of cider?

- Oh, thanks.
- How's it going?

- It's going--

...pretty good.

- Oh, Sis, do you really
think I'll get it?

- Well, Joanna...

not many girls land the lead
in a Broadway show

their first month
in New York.

But whether or not
you get it,

I just want you to know

that your father
and sister

will always
be proud of you.

[ knock on door ]

- I'll get it.

Oh, my gosh,

it's the producer
Mr. Ackley

and the Mayor
of New York.

Come in.

- What a surprise.

- Mr. Mayor,
I don't believe

you've met the young
actress I discovered.

This is Joanna McKenzie

and her sister
Sis McKenzie.

- Well, I've certainly
been hearing

a lot about you.

You've raised a fine sister.

- Thank you, Mayor.

Could I get anyone a sandwich
or a cold drink?

- A sandwich
sounds good to me.

- Well, then,
if you'll excuse me,

I'll just go into the kitchen
and make some.

- Mr. Mayor, Mr. Ackley,
won't you have a seat?

- Oh, thank you.

This certainly is a cute
apartment you've got here.

- Dick.

- STEPHANIE: Thanks.
I decorated it myself.

- Joanna, what are you
doing here?

You're supposed to be
making sandwiches

in the kitchen.

- I've got a minute
before I go back on.

Oh, Dick, this is awful.

- Yeah.

- I never should have let you
make me Joanna's sister.

I've ruined everything.
- No. No, you haven't.

- How can you say that?
They're all laughing at me.

- At least they're
laughing at something.

I've made us both
look like fools.

And you were so sweet
to try to change everything.

Can you ever forgive me?

- Honey, I love you.
Of course I forgive you.

- Oh, Dick.

- Shh!
- Sorry.

- Look, the play's
almost over.

Just go back up there

and do the best you can
to get through it.

- But, Dick,
I can't go back up there

and let people think
you wrote something

that sounds this stupid.

- Joanna, there you are.

You're supposed
to be on stage.

- You missed your cue.
- Oh, great.

- I'll be right there.
Honey, don't worry.

I'm going to get us
both out of this.

- What are you going to do?
Joanna!

- H-How's it going, Dick?
- Haven't you been watching?

- No, I stepped out
for a drink of water

and to pick up some
things at the market.

- Where did you say
your sister was?

- Well, I thought
she was in the kitchen.

But she doesn't seem
to be there right now.

- Oh.

- Maybe she went
for a walk.

- You know,
I think you're right.

In fact, I think I hear
someone on the sidewalk now.

No, I was wrong.

- So where did you say
your sister was?

- Um, I don't know.

I can't remember.

Where have you been?

- Sorry, but we were
out of mustard,

so I had to make some.
Here.

- Oh. Thank you.

- Sis, I have
the most wonderful news.

Mr. Ackley has given me
the lead in his new show,

and he's asked me
to marry him.

- Well, that's
wonderful, dear.

And now I've got
something to tell you.

- You do?

- Yes. I hope you'll
be as happy as I am

when I tell you that I'm
not really your sister.

I'm your mother.

- My mother?

- Yes. I just pretended
to be your sister

so we would be close,

and now that I know
we always will be,

there's no need to hide
my true identity anymore.

- Well, Sis...

Mom...

I don't know what to say.

- Don't say anything.

Let's just
go out to dinner.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Everyone into
the mayor's limousine.

And isn't this
a wonderful day?

- If I'd known we were
going out to dinner,

I wouldn't have
eaten that sandwich.

- MAN: Was that it?

- WOMAN: I think so.

- Well, that's the dumbest
play I've ever seen.

You want to save
the program?

- The sandwiches
looked good.

- MAN 2: Yeah, I'm starved.