All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S03E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Gua gua!
Ha ha!

- You've probably heard him
on bryan lacroix's

Ottawanna go to bed remix...

- ♪ ottawanna go to bed ♪

- Stay up all night!
Ha ha!

- But we've got the exclusive
interview

With pop sensation,
señor feeture.

- You know, for me, it's
all about the hustle, you know?

I come from florida,
you know, fort lauderdale,

But because I like to [bleep]
feet, I call it foot lauderdale.

[laughs]

- And if you haven't
guessed it already,

Señor feeture
loves to [bleep] feet.

- Love it.
Love to [bleep] feet.

Love to smell feet.

I'm the king
of my own digital kingdom.

I'm in a green screen prison.

Ha ha!
Señor feeture.

- In an effort to maximize
his guest star appearances,

Feeture lives, works,

And sleeps on a green screen
set that he designed.

- And then, when I collaborate
with bryan lacroix,

Ottawanna go to bed, you know,

He in canada,
I'm in this green screen prison.

I can be on that show,
no problem.

[laughs]

People ask me all the time,

"señor feeture, how do you get
from fort lauderdale all the way

To a green screen prison?"

And I always say
the same thing, man.

"hard work."

Ha ha!
Señor feeture!

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- When pitbull and kesha
came together to make timber,

And I was like, "oh, the two
worst [bleep] humans

"on the planet.

"this is gonna be a nightmare.

This is terrible."

And then by week two, I was
like, "it's kind of catchy."

- It's heritage week.
Take a few extra seconds

To enjoy classmates' projects,

But be safe, and don't be late.
- Turnips? Rutabaga?

Canadian beets?

Boy, the root vegetable's
so versatile.

- Good morning, mikey.
- Far out.

Oh, hey, tunes.

- Oh, don't let me crowd you.

I'll look at the poster
when you're done.

- Hey, what's all
the excitement about?

- We're hosting
the national model parliament

Right here at school.

- That's right, tunes.

Delegates from all provinces and
territories are arriving now.

- Are those fishermen
from prince edward island?

- Yep,
and they've all got big muscles.

- Oh, look at that.

The population
from saskatchewan.

- Interesting creatures, there.

- Our model parliament
is so varied in population,

Just like the root vegetable.

- My wife sure makes a heck
of a rutabaga stew.

- How is your wife,
coach teacher?

- Oh, I don't want
to talk about that.

[ticking]

[electronic beeps]
- hmm.

Whoa!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

- Locker blow-up.
What a fandango.

- Who would do such a thing?

- We'll get to the bottom
of this.

- Whoa, real-life mounties.

- Lieutenant royale
peter mcminniman.

- Mountie graham.

- How did you arrive
so very quickly?

- Well, you know our motto.

"justice is never more
than a horse-length away."

- Unless you're in the states,
then you're hooped.

[laughter]

- That's a good one.

- I'm kidding, of course.
I'm the funny one.

- Well, who should we
round up first,

The muslims or the americans?

- Well, that's not very canadian
of you there, tunes.

As we know, anyone
is capable of unspeakable evil.

- That's fair.
[bell rings]

- Okay,

I hence-by call to session
our national model parliament

In the queen's great land
of ontario.

I see once again
our friends from quebec

Have declined to participate,

In another smack in the face
to our royal democracy.

Inuit andy, you have the floor.

- I'd like to make a motion
that we move to the big table.

- Motion denied.
[bangs gavel]

Have a seat, eskimo!

We had a locker blow-up
this morning,

And you're talking
about tables, all right?

[door opens]
- excuse us.

Pardon us. Excuse me.

Sorry for the interruption.

Please pardon.
- All right.

Take a quick recess,
talk to these mounties.

- We would like
to speak to the student

Michael gerald mckenzie
st. George.

- I'd be happy to answer
any and all questions.

I have total faith
in the canadian legal process.

- Mikey, clearly guilty,
is hereby dismissed.

- You know what I just
discovered?

We were talking
about it the other day.

There is no canadian cuisine.

What we have
is borrowed cuisines

From all other...
- Yes.

- Areas of the world.

I think if there's

Anything that's particular
to canadians,

It's probably poutine.

- Poutine.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
Sorry, I got an itch.

- He loves you.
- Oh, god, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, keno.
Yeah, bro.

I like you too, bro.

I like you too, man.

- You have a way with animals.

- You ever [bleep] a horse?

- Ruth diamond-phillips.

- Ah! Oh!

- Oh, goodness. It's even sadder
with the lights on.

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow.

I want to cut my eyes out
with my gel tips.

- How'd you get in my apart--
my apartment?

- Ruth, I'm here to help you.

- Do what?

- To look like dis!

[laughs]
look like dis!

Everyone wants to be me, farley.

[giggles]

[screaming]
- oh, my god!

Oh! Damn it!
I'm gonna be on look like dis?

- Yes.
- I'm ruth diamond-phillips.

I'm an attorney.

- Ruth was a perfect candidate
to come get a makeover,

Because she lookeded
disgusting.

Let's peruse those outfits

I have not already
destroyed with fire.

Oopsie.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!

I'm very afraid of fire.

- ♪ my fire is flame,
my-my-my fire is flame ♪

- No, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no!
- [stammers]

- We here at the show
give to a lot of charities

And work with a lot
of unfortunate people,

But this is really something
that belongs with them.

- That one,
I do think we should toss.

- Ruth diamond-phillips,
you need help.

- All right.
Okay.

- But before I invest my time,
talent, and treasure

Trying to make you
look like dis...

- [stammers]

- I need to know something,
ruth.

Do you trust me?
- Yes.

- Do you--
oh, you already said yes.

- I said that I do.
Yeah, I do, so...

- Okay, cool.
Let's hit it.

- I can't wait to look like dis.

First of all, thank you
for being with me in public.

- I might try these on for you.

Okay?
- Okay.

Well, farley says to me
she's gonna try on the clothes.

Well, fine, you know,
I don't know the rules.

I don't go shopping
with the girls very much.

- When it's you,
if you look like dis...

Flounce. Flounce.

Flounce. Flounce.
- But, for court--

- Hold up, your honor.
[bleep] that.

- What if they all
just laughed at me

If I came in there
with that sort of--

- Slap they faces!

If someone laughs at you

For what you wear,

Look within yourself

And beat their ass.

When this judge sees ruth
in her new makeover,

He's gonna
want to be very dishonorable.

- I shouldn't have intercourse
with the judge.

That's actually really
over the line.

- Coming up, on look like dis...

Bobby!

What the hell are you doing here
during my makeover show?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I [bleep] love you, I guess.

- What do you guys
think of a goatee?

- No.
- Awful.

A nightmare.
And it's disgusting.

There's always [bleep] in it.

- It's so bad.

It's so [bleep] dumb.

- No disrespect
to both camera guys,

But I feel in my heart
of hearts,

I like a clean-shaven, just--

- The idea of a face
with a goatee on it

Getting anywhere near
my [bleep]

Makes me want to kill myself
and that person.

I would literally
become a murderer.

[cheers and applause]

- Afternoon, everybody.

All: Bill walton.

- What do you say, bill?

- Not a whole hell of a lot,

Thanks to this dry mouth.

[piano music]

- ♪ I wanna go
where nobody knows my face ♪

♪ where people are people
and nobody crowds your space ♪

♪ I wanna go where people
don't care ♪

♪ whether or not I'm there ♪

♪ all I need is a drink
and a chair ♪

- Everybody,
stay out of the pool room.

My water just broke.

- You need a ride
to the hospital?

- Ah, it's fine, larry.
I can handle it.

I've done this five times.
Or is it six?

- You gonna ask the doctor
for some painkillers?

- Of course I am.
I'm not a [bleep] idiot.

- Could you get some for me?

- What do you need 'em for,
bill?

- My feet are in constant pain,
larry.

- Oh, my back's aching me
something good.

- Well, my feet hurt worse.

I need my feet to walk.

- Yeah, but I got to carry
my whole team on my back.

- Well, there's more bones
in the human foot

Than in the human back.

- Well, as a fellow
tall white man,

We both have extra bones
in our body,

And we should be blessed because
it's given us extra height

And we can play basketball and--
- yeah, well, I'm about to push

An entire baby out of my vagina,

So why don't you both shut up?

- All right, hold on a second,
here, hold on a second.

If maureen's gonna
go to the hospital,

Who's gonna serve us beer?
- Don't sweat it.

My stuck-up sister imogene
is gonna fill in for me.

- Imogene?
Sounds nice.

- Oh, she's not nice.

Believe me, she's a real drag.

- Oh, so she's a feller?

- Huh. Well, either way,
don't worry about it.

I'll pop out
this little squirrel.

I'll be back in no time.

- Larry, I'm sure you could
take a nap

In the back office
if you so desire.

- No, I don't need
to take a nap.

Just that between playing
professional basketball

And tending bar,
my back's a real mess.

I'm sorry for bragging
about having two jobs.

I've got to brag
about something.

[applause]

- Ah, excuse me.

I'm looking for sam.
- I don't know who sam is.

I'm larry bird.

- Why is maureen talking weird?

- This is her twin sister.

- Sam? Are you sam?

You must be sam.
Sam?

- I like your new voice,
maureen.

- He plays mikey
on wheels ontario,

But you know him better
as the actor and entertainer

Bryan lacroix.

This is our weekly cheque-in

With our in-house
bryantologists,

The hoffman twins!

- This week on wheels ontario,

A locker exploded.

- Will things ever be the same?

Wheels has gotten very dark
this year.

- I noticed that.

- Now, before
we begin the questions,

You, of course, have the right
to refuse to answer

So as not to incriminate
yourself or your loved ones.

- I have nothing to hide.

- You also have the right
to free health care,

Salaried higher education,

Comfortable housing,
organic produce...

- Heh.
Like root vegetables.

- Eight years paid vacation,
a free truck,

And leather boots delivered
annually at taxpayers' expense.

- Cool.
- Excellent.

Now, I'd like to ask you
about your friend, tunes.

- Who, tunes?

She's a fantastic poet,
a fabulous teen mum,

And her hat game
is off the charts.

- Would you say
that she has a history

Of extremism or violence?

- Tunes? Heck no.

Although she did gun-shoot me

Because of her affiliation
with a hard-core gang.

- Take a hit.
[rock music]

- [in slow motion] ow!
- ♪ it's a complex story ♪

- Wait a moment.

You don't think that tunes
is responsible

For that locker blow-up?

Oh, mashed potatoes.

Is it too late for me to invoke
my right to silence?

- Oh, no, of course not.

Of course, we've already heard
everything we need to hear.

- Nice jail cell here, tunes.

Reminds me of the long,
barefoot summers

I used to spend with
my grandfather up in dwight.

- Mm, food's not bad, either.

- So tunes,

You're not responsible
for the locker blow-up, are you?

- I don't think so.

But lieutenant royale
said they found my dna

All over it.
- Dna?

- It's a science term
from the states.

It's like a architectural
of your human details.

- Oh.
- For example,

The baby that tunes
and I have shares our dna.

- Cool science example.

- Ah, sure, happy to teach
anytime I can coach or teach.

- But tunes, they found your dna
all over the site.

How is that possible?

- I don't know.

I'm just a single mother

In high school,
not a scientist from the states.

[chuckles]

- Well, we don't want
to interrupt your afternoon tea

And stogie, but we'll clear
your name, tunes.

- Thanks, mikey.

I'd appreciate it.

[bell rings]

- Hmm, so the locker blow-up
went off

At 41 a.M. Past the 8.

Tunes and I
were discussing root vegetables.

I wonder how she's doing?
[gasps]

Tunes?
At school?

[rock music]

And she's out of her chair?

Pardon.

Pardon.

Pardon.

Pardon, pardon, pardon.

♪ ♪

Tunes!

How are you
running around, tunes?

I don't understand.

- [speaking french]

- You wet the concrete.

- Tunes has a twin sister?

- Omg, we're twins.

- But tunes' sister's evil.

- Is one of us evil?

- Good-bye.
- Bye!

- You're wack,
but I can change that.

Do you even know what silk is,
you dumb bitch?

Bobby!

What the hell are you doing here
during my makeover show?

- Who's bobby?
- Stop it, ruth.

- I never know
what's in store for us,

And yet here we are,
us, in a store.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Are my eyes
playing [bleep] tricks on me?

What's that little dickhead
doing here?

- We were in the middle
of a makeover.

- Yeah, well, I'm in the middle
of a makeover too.

Maybe we got a new
top-secret look

That we can't yet very much
identify out loud,

But maybe it has to do
with cowboy boots--

- And maybe it's about
shiny shirts with snap buttons.

- And maybe it's about
going country,

But that's yet
to be very much revealed.

- Every time bobby
comes in with his manipulations

And calculations,
I fall prey to it.

But I need him to get
out of my [bleep] show.

What's that smell?
What is that?

- That's my cologne gum, ck gum.

- I love gum.
So I was like, "okay."

- Yeah, I have to be at court
in an hour.

- [inhales deeply]
oh.

- And it's going for a swim
in the pool

Right in the middle
of this shrubbery.

- Ahh.

- I've never been
in the middle

Of a "will they or won't they"
situation,

But I am wondering
will they dress me for court,

Because I really am
running late.

I have to be in court
in an hour!

God darn it!

- Oh, our little psycho bitch
just woke up.

Give me ten minutes,
and I'll get you all slutted up

And turned into a whore
for the courthouse.

- Are we on tv here?

- Yo, check us out later.

Peter and bobby
going country later.

[both laugh]
- oh! Ahh!

- I have no idea
what will happen.

Whoo!
[clears throat]

I'm sorry that I'm late.
- Miss diamond-phillips,

That outfit is completely
inappropriate for court.

- I brought a briefcase.

- But it's not inappropriate
for dinner with me tonight.

- I'll allow it.

- Case dismissed.
[bangs gavel]

- How do you feel about twins?

- Fraternal or identical?
- Fraternal.

- They're [bleep].
[laughter]

- Identical.
- They're great.

- I'm here to do
demeaning restaurant work

In place of my boorish twin,
maureen.

- Oh, you must be imogene.

- Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.

- Nice to meet you.
I'm larry bird.

I'll get down, be gentle.

Ow, ow, ow, my back.

Ow, ow, my back.

- Oh, doctor kelsey grammer.
Enchanté.

- Boy, you sure do
move gracefully.

- A lady's elbow
should never go below her bosom.

- Ha! Finally, a chairs employee
with some real class.

- Smells like fake flowers
in here.

- How dare you!

If you think for one second

That I would be interested
in a brute like you,

Oh, well, I'm...
I'm simply not.

- Well, I don't--
I'm not trying to hit on you.

I prefer to be on my own.

- Yeah, I bet you'd just love
to throw me

Over your shoulder,
wouldn't you?

- It'd be heck on my back.

- Larry, I think she's horny.

- You take your best shot at me,

And you will not make it.

- I can hit a half-court shot
with my eyes closed,

And if you want to challenge me
to basketball, or love,

Or anything else,
I'm a competitor,

And I will straight up kill you.

- Kill me, then.
Kill me.

- I'd like to kiss you,
but I don't have any lips.

Ow, my cheek.
- Sorry.

- Eyes up, skid marks.
I'm back.

- How was childbirth, maureen?

- Well, the good news--
it was short and painful.

The bad news--
I did have a little squirrel.

Hold the phone.
Where's my sister imogene?

- She left.
She said she gonna be in movies.

- You know what?
She's inspired me.

I'm gonna leave the show too.

- That's a terrible idea,
bill walton.

- Have we met?

- I'm ted williams' head.

- Holy [bleep], that's crazy.

What are you gonna do, kelsey?

- I'll be going to do
the show frasier with my friend,

David hyde pierce
and john mahoney.

Five emmys, three golden globes.

- I don't think
anyone wants to watch a show

About a pompous fake british
piece of [bleep] like you.

- I'll take it.

- ♪ and a chair ♪

- What do you think is the main
stereotype about canadians

That you would challenge?

- The main--you go, graham.
- Um...

- That was a perfectly canadian
thing to do, right there.

- No, it's very nice of you.

- Well, after you, though.
- Yeah.

[bell rings]
- okay, children,

Quiet down there.

Model parliament is now
model chamber of justice.

- The perpetrator
of this morning's

Locker blow-up
stands before you.

- [speaking french]

- I can't believe tunes
has a twin sister from quebec.

A separatist, no less.
[scoffs]

- [speaking french]

- Pardon, but I think I've heard
just about enough of this.

Look before you.

From the forced labor camps
of saskatchewan,

To the bustling methadone
clinics of vancouver,

To the overtly vaginal oysters
of prince edward island,

From the all-nude strip clubs
of windsor, to the round, brown,

And ready to pound women
of the northwest territories,

From the fiery tar sands
of alberta,

To the fiery tar sands
of the yukon,

Canada...Canada...

Canada stands united.

And when you finish paying
your debt to society

In a safe and comfortable prison

Built exclusively
for french-speaking women

Of asian ancestry,

There will still be a seat at
the big table for you, quebec.

- There may be a seat.
[mic feedback]

There definitely won't be
for you there,

Inuit andy
and northwest territories.

That table will remain small.

Enjoy your small table.

- [speaking french]

- In one ear, out the other.

- An evil twin sister--

It's like a horrors movie
from the states.

- You mean every movie
from the states?

[laughter]

- What a cut-up mountie graham
turned out to be.

[cell phone vibrating]

- What's up, peter paparazzo?

- Bobby bottleservice,
I've been thinking.

We've been gigolos
and ghost bouncers.

What's next for us?

[country rap music]

- We should go country
as business decision, bro.

♪ ♪

- But we can never lose touch
with our cheesy club roots.

- [laughs]
deal.

♪ I'm bobby b, ha!
I'm going country ♪

- ♪ I'm peter p,
I wear a hat now ♪

- ♪ I drive a truck,
for girlz and bizness ♪

- ♪ I have a gun ♪
- cool!

- ♪ and I don't wear condoms ♪

- Very cool!

♪ twerk your partner,
round and round ♪

- ♪ do-si-do
and drop it down ♪

- ♪ grind back up and
bow to your bro ♪

- Yee haw!
- ♪ we country, yo ♪

Both: ♪ bro-oh-ing
country bros ♪

♪ redneck and spray tan,
the worst of both worlds ♪

♪ bro-oh-ing country bros ♪

♪ whiskey and vodka,
the worst of both worlds ♪

- Damas y caballeros!

But mainly, los ladies!
Ha ha!

Yo soy señor feeture.
Toe-lé!

I want to [bleep] your feet.
Venga!

♪ las chicas in miami,
high heels and bikinis ♪

♪ san francisco hippie dippie
dirty feet I will clean-y ♪

♪ a mi tejana girls, step
on my face with your spurs ♪

♪ todas las country mujeres
en el mundo ♪

♪ I wanna [bleep] your feet ♪

- ♪ I'm bobby b, ha!
I'm going country ♪

♪ I'm peter p ♪

♪ we're making money ♪
- yee-haw!

Both: ♪ america,
respect your country ♪

♪ support the troops,
have sex in groups ♪

- Tengo mucho hombre, I want
to eat your uñas de pies!

Ha ha!
Señor feeture!

- Ow.

- Long after humanity is gone,

And los cucarachas
rule the world, you know,

It's like, señor feeture's

Still here
as a digital property.

You know what I'm saying?
That's amazing.

Señor feeture, ha ha ha!
Live forever!

Heh-hoo! Ha ha!