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1
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,160
Morning, team. Everything ship-shape
and Bristol fashion?
2
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,640
Never mind.
Everything's running like clockwork.
3
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:43,400
We're not gonna let you down today,
Mrs Temple-Savage, don't you worry.
4
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,120
Of course she's going to worry,
5
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,160
the big boss is coming
to leave her the sack.
6
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,920
Give her the sack,
not leave her the sack.
7
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,760
Yeah, hopefully not but -
Don't worry, Lesley, it's fine.
8
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,960
Whatever the CEO of Solana Europe
decided to do with me
9
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,480
after yesterday's events,
well... that's up to her.
10
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,120
Que sera, sera.
11
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,800
What time does Miss Sara Sara
get here?
12
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,000
I will make sure she's looked after,
yes?
13
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:13,760
No, que sera sera isn't a name,
that's just a saying.
14
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:18,840
Her name is Crystal Hennessy-Vass.
Make of that what you will.
15
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,400
I think I prefer Kay Sara Sara.
16
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,200
Lesley, you haven't forgotten
17
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,560
about the Dutch dignitaries arriving,
have you?
18
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,600
What are the Dutch dingleberries?
Dignitaries.
19
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,880
It means very important people.
20
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,920
Ah, VPLs.
21
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,680
No, Mrs Temple-Savage,
I haven't forgotten about them.
22
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,880
Everything is in hand.
Very good.
23
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,680
One of them is the mayor of Lilliput
or something.
24
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,480
Try and get a photo of them enjoying
our facilities,
25
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,360
it might increase bookings
from the Netherlands.
26
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:53,720
Erm... neither of you have seen Cyril,
have you?
27
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,280
Mrs Temple-Savage,
28
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,520
I had his breakfast
taken up to his room
29
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,800
and well, he didn't sleep there
last night.
30
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,080
Right.
31
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,280
Well... he's probably trying
to make himself scarce.
32
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:12,160
He will no doubt grace us
with his presence later.
33
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,880
Carry on.
34
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,640
Squirrel will not be bringing
Joyce's presents later,
35
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,560
will he, Lesley?
No, Mateo, I don't think he will.
36
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,040
So he's going to be OK, isn't he?
37
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,040
What?
38
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,560
Oh, where?
39
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,040
Guy?
It's only me.
40
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,480
Don't worry, it's only me.
41
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:04,080
Oh, Liam, you came.
Of course I came.
42
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,200
You text me four times already
telling me not to be late.
43
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,640
All the people in here,
they've been so kind.
44
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,120
Is that for me?
Yeah.
45
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,480
Really?
46
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,520
Oh, you shouldn't have.
47
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,880
I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
48
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,000
What's this? Oranges?
49
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,280
You taking the piss?
50
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,960
I've got a heart complaint,
not frigging scurvy.
51
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,400
There's grapes in there, as well.
52
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,840
Where's the zinger burger and fries
I asked you for?
53
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,920
They're not open yet. The doctor
said you're not to get excited.
54
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,440
Excited? About what?
A bloody fruit salad?
55
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,680
I'm wasting away in here
and you bring me this bag of shite.
56
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,840
And what's this? A lemon?
57
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,280
What am I supposed to do
with a bloody lemon?
58
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,120
Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.
59
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,680
I'm off to John and Joseph's
for a fry-up. Stay there!
60
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,320
Stay there, stay in bed!
What are you playing at?
61
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,240
Nurse! Nurse!
62
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,160
Get me out of this bed right now!
63
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,000
Get off me!
64
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,400
You can't do this to me! Get off me!
65
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:17,880
Morning, love. I'm so glad
to get off that coach,
66
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,800
I've never known such a bumpy ride.
67
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,680
I'm just finishing
these two young men off.
68
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:31,560
Can I put you in the capable hands
of my colleague Mateo?
69
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,000
I don't mind who sorts me out,
I'm just glad to be in the sun.
70
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,960
Thank you.
71
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,720
Your name is Mina Love Allen?
72
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,000
Mina Love's my real name but
everyone calls me Queenie.
73
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,600
OK, Queenie, you have a double room
booked for one week.
74
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,400
There is just you? Nobody else?
75
00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,920
Well, for the moment but hope
springs eternal in the human breast.
76
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,600
What does this mean? I've no idea.
Just get her booked in,
77
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,680
she's frightening the other guests.
78
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:17,640
OK, Queenie, here's your
all-inclusive wristband
79
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,360
and your room key.
You are on the 11th floor.
80
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,200
Please, have a happy holiday.
81
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,200
It's a good job I've got a head
for heights.
82
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,040
These stairs, yes? It will be
quicker to take the elevator.
83
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,880
Oh, no, I never go in elevators,
they make me nervous
84
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:38,680
and I break out into
uncontrollable laughter.
85
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,320
Did you want me to find
you a room on a lower floor?
86
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,560
Oh, no, don't bother yourself.
It's all good fun, isn't it?
87
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,760
11th floor.
88
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,440
I bet we can still hear her laughing
from up there.
89
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,240
A message from Queenie.
Oh, has she got here OK?
90
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,440
'Arrived safe and sound.
Just heading to my room,
91
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,920
probably need a shower after that
but see you guys shortly.
92
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,640
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha.'
Lovely.
93
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,640
She could have saved on the text.
Oh, yeah.
94
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,640
You can always hear Queenie coming.
95
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,840
Quite.
96
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,560
Ooh, go on, she's there.
97
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,560
I can see she's there. Well, go and
talk to her about the discount.
98
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,080
They'll probably just refund it
to our card.
99
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,200
Where are you going? If you're
too spineless to ask for it,
100
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,240
I'll have to do it myself.
Tonya.
101
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,440
Tonya!
102
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:04,440
Este servicio necesita substituir.
103
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,640
Demasiados calcen...
104
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,840
Keep going, I think he's getting
the gist of it.
105
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,200
It's a very difficult language.
106
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,400
You owe us money.
107
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,320
Good morning to you, as well.
You gave us an 80% discount
108
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,480
on our holiday and I'd like to sort
that out, if that's OK with you?
109
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,600
How did you get 80% off?
It's a long story.
110
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,120
I've got all day.
I think you'll find
111
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,560
I offered you 20% discount
on your next holiday.
112
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,880
Our next holiday?
113
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,320
Yes.
Our next holiday here?
114
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,840
Yes.
You have got to be joking.
115
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,240
We come every year,
I'll have the discount.
116
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,600
Right, who's your superior?
And I don't mean intelligence.
117
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,720
I haven't got time to see
that many people.
118
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:53,000
I haven't got one. I find that
very difficult to believe.
119
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,560
I imagine you find most things
difficult,
120
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,840
especially in those ludicrous heels.
121
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,440
What did you just say?
Don't get me wrong,
122
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,240
I think your look is very brave.
123
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,760
I was a huge fan
of George and Mildred.
124
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,000
Now, you listen to me - Whoa, whoa,
all right, ladies, calm down.
125
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,760
Come on, we've all had a lot
to drink.
126
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,960
Your voucher will be sent on to you,
should your grubby
127
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:19,160
and rather strange family wish to
grace us with their presence again.
128
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,520
What?! Do let me know if I can
be of further assistance.
129
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:27,400
Come here. Come here and say that!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave it.
130
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,480
What the hell is going on
over there?
131
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,760
It's your husband with his dirty,
wandering hands.
132
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,560
My husband is obviously
trying to keep the peace.
133
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,600
Trying to get a piece, more like.
134
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,520
He's had his eye on that one
since day one.
135
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,000
Oh, my God. Do you reckon
it's a film star?
136
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,560
What? Staying here? Yeah, right.
137
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,040
Oh. Park up, Elvis.
This could take some time.
138
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,880
Uh-huh.
139
00:09:35,055 --> 00:09:38,055
When you have a minute.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
140
00:09:38,095 --> 00:09:41,215
I put all my bras on a boil wash
by mistake
141
00:09:41,255 --> 00:09:44,415
and this one's cutting through me
like a knife through butter.
142
00:09:44,455 --> 00:09:47,495
Welcome to the Solana,
how can I help you?
143
00:09:47,535 --> 00:09:51,335
You can start by telling me
you're not Joyce Temple-Savage.
144
00:09:51,375 --> 00:09:54,055
Oh, no, no. Joyce is just
the manageress.
145
00:09:54,095 --> 00:09:57,175
I'm Lesley, chief dogsbody
and bottle washer.
146
00:09:57,215 --> 00:10:00,895
Oh, thank God for that.
You'll have to put that out, pet.
147
00:10:00,935 --> 00:10:02,775
It's a non-smoking hotel.
148
00:10:02,815 --> 00:10:05,655
Lesley, I have looked everywhere
in the hotel for Squirrel.
149
00:10:05,695 --> 00:10:08,935
I'm sure he has gone.
You have squirrels in the hotel?
150
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:12,535
No, are you deaf?
I just said he has gone.
151
00:10:12,575 --> 00:10:15,895
What Mateo means is -
All right, I've heard enough.
152
00:10:15,935 --> 00:10:18,815
Now, listen to me.
I'm going to take a seat over there
153
00:10:18,855 --> 00:10:21,975
and you, young man, are going to
bring me a large gin slimline tonic
154
00:10:22,015 --> 00:10:27,655
and an ashtray and you... madam, are
going to get Joyce Temple-Savage
155
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:30,655
on the telephone and tell her
to get her sorry arse down here
156
00:10:30,695 --> 00:10:32,495
within the next five minutes.
157
00:10:32,535 --> 00:10:35,095
And who, if you don't mind
me asking,
158
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,535
shall I tell her is waiting for her?
159
00:10:37,575 --> 00:10:41,815
Crystal Hennessy-Vass,
chairman and CEO
160
00:10:41,855 --> 00:10:43,855
of the Solana Leisure Group Europe.
161
00:10:43,895 --> 00:10:47,135
In other words, top dog, kiddo.
162
00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:49,175
Top dog.
163
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:53,375
What kind of dog?
164
00:11:00,775 --> 00:11:02,495
Cheers.
Cheers.
165
00:11:02,535 --> 00:11:06,095
Cheers. Oh, it's so lovely
to see you, Queenie.
166
00:11:06,135 --> 00:11:09,295
It's just such a shame
we go home tomorrow.
167
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:12,215
You go home tomorrow?
Yes, we've been here a week.
168
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,735
Oh, your timing's terrible.
169
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:18,055
You know it's the CBSA's
silver jubilee next week?
170
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:22,335
CBSA? Costa Blanca
Swingers Association
171
00:11:22,375 --> 00:11:24,255
There's a swingers association
172
00:11:24,295 --> 00:11:26,375
covering the whole
of the Costa Blanca?
173
00:11:26,415 --> 00:11:30,095
Gracious, that sounds like
quite a bean feast.
174
00:11:30,135 --> 00:11:32,095
I thought that's why you were here.
175
00:11:32,135 --> 00:11:35,295
No, when you texted us and said
you were coming to Benidorm,
176
00:11:35,335 --> 00:11:37,455
we just thought it was
a happy coincidence.
177
00:11:37,495 --> 00:11:40,215
Oh, Donald, can't we stay on
another week?
178
00:11:40,255 --> 00:11:43,175
I'm sorry, Jacqueline,
it's out of the question.
179
00:11:43,215 --> 00:11:47,695
Yesterday I spent two euros
on a newspaper we didn't need.
180
00:11:47,735 --> 00:11:50,935
I feel as though the handbrake
on our finances
181
00:11:50,975 --> 00:11:53,095
has been totally disengaged.
182
00:11:53,135 --> 00:11:57,775
My mate Pepe De La Cruz is making
a personal appearance this year.
183
00:11:57,815 --> 00:12:04,055
Not the Pepe De La Cruz?
Yeah, we go back years.
184
00:12:04,095 --> 00:12:06,495
Who is Pepe De La Cruz?
185
00:12:06,535 --> 00:12:09,175
Oh, it's not that skunk
in them cartoons, is it?
186
00:12:09,215 --> 00:12:13,015
That's Pepe Le Pew.
187
00:12:13,055 --> 00:12:16,535
Pepe De La Cruz
is an international legend.
188
00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:19,935
He had quite an adult film career
in his day.
189
00:12:19,975 --> 00:12:23,135
He was known as the king
of the swingers.
190
00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:26,575
Pepe's basically retired
from the swinging scene now
191
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:30,095
but he does make a few personal
appearances now and again.
192
00:12:30,935 --> 00:12:33,095
You don't want to meet him, do you?
193
00:12:33,135 --> 00:12:39,255
You could actually get us an
audience with Pepe De La Cruz?
194
00:12:39,295 --> 00:12:42,215
Well, security around him
and his wife's tight,
195
00:12:42,255 --> 00:12:46,295
as you can well imagine, but there's
a party in his honour tonight.
196
00:12:46,335 --> 00:12:48,575
I could pull a few strings.
197
00:12:48,615 --> 00:12:50,975
Oh.
Same again?
198
00:12:51,015 --> 00:12:53,015
Lovely!
199
00:12:54,415 --> 00:12:58,215
You know, my uncle Cameron once cried
200
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:01,255
after kissing the Pope's ring on the
visit to the Vatican
201
00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:06,175
in the early '60s. He said one day
I'd understand how he felt.
202
00:13:07,535 --> 00:13:09,535
How right he was.
203
00:13:13,015 --> 00:13:15,895
So did they get their refund or not?
I told you, I don't know.
204
00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:18,375
What was the refund for?
I don't know.
205
00:13:18,415 --> 00:13:20,415
Why are you bothered about that?
206
00:13:20,455 --> 00:13:24,055
Why don't you get the money
she owes you from going to that spa?
207
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,335
You still haven't told me
how much it was.
208
00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:29,135
Well, how much was it?
209
00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:33,735
20 euro?
210
00:13:33,775 --> 00:13:37,215
50? It can't have been more than 50.
211
00:13:40,055 --> 00:13:42,575
- 400.
- 400?!
212
00:13:42,615 --> 00:13:45,695
And 60.
460 euros?
213
00:13:45,735 --> 00:13:48,575
I thought you went to a spa,
not frigging bought one!
214
00:13:48,615 --> 00:13:51,535
Right, I'll sort this out.
Sit down.
215
00:13:52,215 --> 00:13:55,295
You've got to be joking! You might
have taken leave of your senses
216
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,175
but I haven't.
Sit down.
217
00:13:57,215 --> 00:13:59,375
I don't want the money back,
I'll pay for it.
218
00:13:59,415 --> 00:14:02,135
Oh, you don't want the money back.
Well, I bloody well do.
219
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,615
Here we go.
An afternoon of extravagance
220
00:14:04,655 --> 00:14:08,095
with The Attack of the 50ft Woman
and she thinks she's Zsa Zsa Gabor.
221
00:14:08,135 --> 00:14:10,615
I don't want the money back
because I don't want her
222
00:14:10,655 --> 00:14:13,135
thinking we can't afford it.
We can't afford it.
223
00:14:13,175 --> 00:14:17,495
460 euros. The bloody holiday
didn't cost that much.
224
00:14:17,535 --> 00:14:19,535
Shut up, shut up, the pair of you.
225
00:14:19,575 --> 00:14:22,935
It's my problem
and I'll sort it out. 460!
226
00:14:22,975 --> 00:14:25,295
Mother, I said shut up.
I'll sort it.
227
00:14:26,895 --> 00:14:29,255
Mam, can I have some money
to go to the beach?
228
00:14:32,055 --> 00:14:34,095
Well...?
229
00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:41,295
May I just say, before you begin,
230
00:14:41,335 --> 00:14:44,295
that I take full responsibility
for all recent events.
231
00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:46,335
Well, that goes without saying.
232
00:14:46,375 --> 00:14:48,735
As far as the Solana Benidorm
is concerned,
233
00:14:48,775 --> 00:14:50,935
you are at the top of the tree.
234
00:14:50,975 --> 00:14:54,455
But when the monkey
gets to the top of the tree,
235
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:56,495
everybody can see its arse.
236
00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:00,575
Well, yes, quite.
237
00:15:00,615 --> 00:15:04,415
Anyway, what I was going to say was -
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
238
00:15:10,015 --> 00:15:13,335
You see, Savage, my problem
is that you've gone over my head.
239
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:16,735
Right. We're not still talking
about the monkey, are we?
240
00:15:16,775 --> 00:15:19,295
You've made major decisions
regarding this hotel
241
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,735
without consulting your superiors,
which have resulted in what can
242
00:15:22,775 --> 00:15:26,295
only be described as a complete
contravention of Solana standards.
243
00:15:26,335 --> 00:15:30,735
But can I say, in our defence, we
bought the pig with all good faith
244
00:15:30,775 --> 00:15:33,055
and all hygiene standards
were adhered to
245
00:15:33,095 --> 00:15:35,455
in line with the European
health regulations.
246
00:15:35,495 --> 00:15:41,335
I am convinced the pig
had a jippy tummy when it was alive.
247
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:44,095
What the hell are you talking about?
248
00:15:44,135 --> 00:15:46,895
The pig... for the eating
competition...
249
00:15:46,935 --> 00:15:48,935
that gave all our guests
food poisoning.
250
00:15:48,975 --> 00:15:52,895
You're telling me that your guests
got food poisoning? So what?
251
00:15:52,935 --> 00:15:56,815
Welcome to Benidorm. I'm talking
about something far more serious.
252
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,535
You mean employing Mr Babcock
as assistant manager?
253
00:15:59,575 --> 00:16:02,855
I can assure you that despite
his brief prison sentence
254
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:05,055
in Thailand for worrying cows,
255
00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:07,655
his character and references are
second to none.
256
00:16:07,695 --> 00:16:09,775
Savage!
Yes?
257
00:16:09,815 --> 00:16:14,095
You did something to this hotel
that opposes every principle,
258
00:16:14,135 --> 00:16:17,775
every criteria, every specification
that I set down
259
00:16:17,815 --> 00:16:21,135
when I founded
the Solana Leisure Group in 1983.
260
00:16:21,175 --> 00:16:23,575
What did I do?
You had the temerity
261
00:16:23,615 --> 00:16:26,295
to have the hotel
upgraded to a four-star.
262
00:16:27,535 --> 00:16:29,975
I don't understand.
Surely that's a good thing?
263
00:16:30,015 --> 00:16:32,495
When people book the three-star
Solana Benidorm,
264
00:16:32,535 --> 00:16:35,055
they expect a certain
level of service -
265
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,095
absolute crap.
266
00:16:37,135 --> 00:16:39,855
So when they get here,
and they get more than that,
267
00:16:39,895 --> 00:16:42,575
they're pleasantly surprised.
I see.
268
00:16:42,615 --> 00:16:46,495
Tell them it's a three-star
and they expect sticky carpets,
269
00:16:46,535 --> 00:16:48,695
egg and chips, karaoke.
270
00:16:48,735 --> 00:16:50,735
Tell them it's a four-star
271
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:54,055
and you are opening a whole new
can of worms for yourself.
272
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:57,015
I didn't think.
No, you didn't.
273
00:16:57,055 --> 00:16:59,215
We are budget and we're proud.
274
00:16:59,255 --> 00:17:03,415
And the last thing we need
is some toffee-nosed social climber
275
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,855
trying to drag us
into the 21st century.
276
00:17:05,895 --> 00:17:08,135
Toffee-nosed social climber?
277
00:17:08,175 --> 00:17:12,295
I'm talking about you, Savage.
Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
278
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,975
Does this mean that we're not
in trouble about the pig?
279
00:17:15,015 --> 00:17:17,215
I mean, the food poisoning?
All I care about
280
00:17:17,255 --> 00:17:20,575
is that you've not given this hotel
ideas above its station.
281
00:17:20,615 --> 00:17:23,215
I want to see good, honest
working class people
282
00:17:23,255 --> 00:17:26,495
enjoying a basic,
three-star holiday.
283
00:17:26,535 --> 00:17:29,855
So we'll start with the rooms
and we'll work our way outside.
284
00:17:29,895 --> 00:17:31,935
Do I make myself clear?
285
00:17:31,975 --> 00:17:35,415
Well, apart from the word 'temerity',
yes, absolutely.
286
00:17:36,015 --> 00:17:37,815
Oh, and one more thing.
Yes?
287
00:17:37,855 --> 00:17:40,415
Large gin and slimline tonic.
288
00:17:40,455 --> 00:17:42,455
If you'd like to follow me.
289
00:18:00,575 --> 00:18:03,495
What happened?
You fell asleep again.
290
00:18:05,775 --> 00:18:09,135
I need your help.
I'm not getting you a zinger burger.
291
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,095
I need you to help me
get out of here.
292
00:18:11,135 --> 00:18:13,535
Kenneth, you've had a heart attack.
293
00:18:13,575 --> 00:18:16,415
I haven't had a heart attack,
don't be so dramatic.
294
00:18:16,455 --> 00:18:18,895
I had a few chest pains
and I was a bit short of breath.
295
00:18:18,935 --> 00:18:21,815
You get out of that bed
and I'm calling for the doctor.
296
00:18:27,855 --> 00:18:30,295
You've got to stop
playing this down.
297
00:18:30,335 --> 00:18:32,135
I've told everyone at the Solana
298
00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:34,935
that they didn't keep you
in hospital like you asked me to
299
00:18:34,975 --> 00:18:37,055
but at some point,
you've got to face facts.
300
00:18:37,095 --> 00:18:40,455
You're not a well man. I don't
want people worrying about me.
301
00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:43,615
I don't want all this fuss,
I just wanna go home. No.
302
00:18:45,895 --> 00:18:48,175
I'll be back later this afternoon.
303
00:18:48,215 --> 00:18:51,735
If I hear you've been out of that
bed, that's me and you finished.
304
00:18:52,895 --> 00:18:54,935
You can be quite
the Little Miss Bossy Pants
305
00:18:54,975 --> 00:18:56,855
when you put your mind to it,
can't you?
306
00:18:56,895 --> 00:19:00,935
You're my best friend
and I don't want to lose you.
307
00:19:07,455 --> 00:19:11,335
I'll be back. Ooh, you're
like Arnold Schwarzenegger
308
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:13,335
with a tangerine rinse.
309
00:19:14,575 --> 00:19:16,575
I'll see you later.
310
00:19:18,695 --> 00:19:20,615
See you later, love.
311
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:46,135
I-I-I trust the rooms
were to your satisfaction?
312
00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:49,615
Not bad.
The blinds are a little modern.
313
00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:53,695
Why don't you see if you can get
some cheap net curtains? Absolutely.
314
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,215
You know, although we did manage
to scrape a four-star rating,
315
00:19:57,255 --> 00:20:01,535
I'm pretty sure the accreditation
board would have no problem
316
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,495
putting us back down to a three.
317
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:07,575
So this new assistant manager
you're talking about, where is he?
318
00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:10,335
Cyril? He, erm...
319
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,615
I believe it's
Mr Babcock's day off today.
320
00:20:12,655 --> 00:20:17,455
Joyce, do you see the word 'idiot'
written across my forehead?
321
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,735
No.
Good.
322
00:20:20,775 --> 00:20:23,815
There's a reason for that.
Now, let's start again.
323
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:27,175
Mr Babcock...
324
00:20:27,215 --> 00:20:29,295
I'm not sure where he is.
325
00:20:29,335 --> 00:20:32,095
Cyril... Mr Babcock
is an old friend of mine.
326
00:20:32,135 --> 00:20:34,055
He has made a few mistakes
327
00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:36,495
but I do believe he's the right man
for the job.
328
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:40,055
He's not just a friend, is he?
I can assure you
329
00:20:40,095 --> 00:20:43,615
mine and Mr Babcock's relationship
is absolutely professional.
330
00:20:43,655 --> 00:20:46,055
Oh, bollocks to that.
331
00:20:46,095 --> 00:20:48,895
Come on, I've seen that look
in a woman's eye before.
332
00:20:48,935 --> 00:20:53,095
I met all four of my husbands
on the job, so to speak.
333
00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:57,535
Have you had an argument?
Just a misunderstanding.
334
00:20:57,575 --> 00:20:59,735
I think he's licking his wounds
somewhere.
335
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:03,655
Slightly too much information
but I know what you mean.
336
00:21:03,695 --> 00:21:07,255
Excuse me, you were incredibly rude
to my wife earlier.
337
00:21:07,295 --> 00:21:10,895
Piss off, short arse, can't you see
we're having a conversation here?
338
00:21:10,935 --> 00:21:13,175
Go on, shoo, shoo, shoo,
get off, get off.
339
00:21:15,215 --> 00:21:18,375
Never forget the Solana's
two golden rules.
340
00:21:18,415 --> 00:21:20,935
Number one, the customer
is always right.
341
00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:24,695
And number two?
If the customer happens to be a man,
342
00:21:24,735 --> 00:21:27,135
forget rule number one.
343
00:21:31,815 --> 00:21:34,255
You're doing a great job here,
Savage.
344
00:21:34,295 --> 00:21:36,855
Just remember to get
one of those stars taken down
345
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:39,975
from the front of the hotel and we
won't say any more about it, OK?
346
00:21:40,015 --> 00:21:43,175
I understand. Elvis, I'm about
to leave the building.
347
00:21:44,815 --> 00:21:48,655
Oh, and Joyce,
if your man doesn't come back,
348
00:21:48,695 --> 00:21:51,335
maybe he wasn't right for you
in the first place.
349
00:21:56,935 --> 00:21:58,935
Que sera sera.
350
00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:04,255
Oh, Cyril.
351
00:22:24,348 --> 00:22:27,228
I said to him, I don't care
how long it's been in the fryer,
352
00:22:27,268 --> 00:22:30,348
I'm telling you that fish
just winked at me.
353
00:22:30,388 --> 00:22:32,388
Good day to you.
354
00:22:32,428 --> 00:22:34,908
My colleagues and I
have a reservation
355
00:22:34,948 --> 00:22:37,788
in the name of De Groot.
I'll be with you in a second.
356
00:22:37,828 --> 00:22:40,028
And then he says...
357
00:22:40,068 --> 00:22:43,388
What did you say your name was?
Jan De Groot.
358
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:45,228
Are you the party from Neverland?
359
00:22:45,268 --> 00:22:50,188
Neverland? We are from the
Netherlands. We are Dutch.
360
00:22:51,308 --> 00:22:53,588
We are from Amsterdam.
361
00:22:56,748 --> 00:22:59,188
Back, back.
362
00:22:59,228 --> 00:23:02,548
Back, back.
Mateo, pass me that carpet. What?
363
00:23:02,588 --> 00:23:05,828
The red carpet.
Really, this is not necessary.
364
00:23:05,868 --> 00:23:07,868
Once second, just one second.
365
00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:25,108
Gentlemen, it is of our greatest
of pleasure
366
00:23:25,148 --> 00:23:29,868
to welcome you to the beautiful
sleepy fishing town of Benidorm
367
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:33,788
and the luxurious tranquility
that is the Solana.
368
00:23:36,908 --> 00:23:40,748
We are booking in for one night.
Our passports.
369
00:23:40,788 --> 00:23:43,308
But of course,
may I say how handsome
370
00:23:43,348 --> 00:23:45,308
you fine gentlemen
are looking today?
371
00:23:45,348 --> 00:23:47,348
Er... thank you.
372
00:23:47,988 --> 00:23:50,028
I like your hair.
373
00:23:51,068 --> 00:23:52,748
Thank you.
374
00:23:52,788 --> 00:23:55,708
Right, just a small amount
of paperwork to be done.
375
00:23:55,748 --> 00:23:59,268
We'll have you in the lap of luxury
in two shakes of a duck's tail.
376
00:24:01,988 --> 00:24:04,988
Look, mate, I'm not being funny
but it's me she fancies.
377
00:24:05,028 --> 00:24:08,188
Why do you think that? Just cos
she asked you to meet her today?
378
00:24:08,228 --> 00:24:12,228
Er... yeah. And because in Neptunes
last night she totally blanked you.
379
00:24:12,268 --> 00:24:14,708
Mikey, no offence
but how stupid are you?
380
00:24:14,748 --> 00:24:17,148
She's trying to get to me
through you.
381
00:24:17,188 --> 00:24:19,908
Why would she do that?
Because she's a girl!
382
00:24:19,948 --> 00:24:23,148
Girls don't go up to the guy
they fancy and ask them out,
383
00:24:23,188 --> 00:24:25,428
they get friendly
with their best mate.
384
00:24:25,468 --> 00:24:29,388
I'm telling you, if you would
have come here today without me,
385
00:24:29,428 --> 00:24:31,508
she'd have been absolutely gutted.
386
00:24:35,508 --> 00:24:37,908
Cerrado. What does that mean?
387
00:24:38,868 --> 00:24:40,828
I remember seeing a sign
like that before
388
00:24:40,868 --> 00:24:42,708
when I took a dump
in the Solana pool.
389
00:24:42,748 --> 00:24:44,748
I think it means they're closed.
390
00:24:44,788 --> 00:24:46,868
Come on, I knew
she wouldn't be here.
391
00:25:03,508 --> 00:25:05,348
What have you done?
392
00:25:05,388 --> 00:25:08,228
What's wrong with you?
Lighten up, man, it's a joke.
393
00:25:08,948 --> 00:25:11,188
Don't hang around,
you'll get caught.
394
00:25:21,108 --> 00:25:24,548
As well as a list of Benidorm's
finest sex shops,
395
00:25:24,588 --> 00:25:27,308
you will also find,
at the bottom of the page,
396
00:25:27,348 --> 00:25:30,948
the number of Lucky Kev,
a small-time local drug dealer
397
00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:35,188
who will keep you supplied
with all varieties of weed and puff
398
00:25:35,228 --> 00:25:37,228
during your stay here at the Solana.
399
00:25:39,308 --> 00:25:43,628
Ah, yes, we also have a small
afternoon snack for you all,
400
00:25:43,668 --> 00:25:47,068
a 'horses doovrey'
to make you feel at home.
401
00:25:48,628 --> 00:25:50,628
Enjoy.
402
00:25:57,028 --> 00:26:00,028
The first shop on the list
is less than 1km away.
403
00:26:00,068 --> 00:26:01,988
Give me that!
404
00:26:23,668 --> 00:26:25,668
Get out the way.
405
00:26:30,828 --> 00:26:33,508
Hello?
Don't you 'hello' me.
406
00:26:33,548 --> 00:26:35,908
I beg your pardon?
What's going on?
407
00:26:35,948 --> 00:26:39,148
What's going on?
Oh, you've got some front.
408
00:26:39,188 --> 00:26:41,228
What is it that you want?
409
00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:44,908
You practically mugged my daughter
in broad daylight.
410
00:26:44,948 --> 00:26:48,268
I should call the police.
Why don't I get us all a drink?
411
00:26:48,308 --> 00:26:52,268
Yeah, offer to get a round of drinks
in an all-inclusive hotel.
412
00:26:52,308 --> 00:26:55,228
That's about as far
as your generosity stretches.
413
00:26:55,268 --> 00:26:59,388
I've met you people before,
short arms and long pockets.
414
00:26:59,428 --> 00:27:02,588
I haven't got short arms.
You're tight as a duck's arse
415
00:27:02,628 --> 00:27:06,388
and you've got a face to match.
That's my wife you're talking to.
416
00:27:06,428 --> 00:27:08,708
Ooh, you knew which one I meant,
then.
417
00:27:08,748 --> 00:27:11,348
I think you should come back
when you're sober.
418
00:27:12,708 --> 00:27:14,708
Oh, shit.
419
00:27:14,748 --> 00:27:17,148
Mick, Mick, wake up.
420
00:27:17,188 --> 00:27:21,028
I haven't touched a drop,
unlike your freeloading family,
421
00:27:21,068 --> 00:27:24,028
I've seen you,
guzzling down the free booze
422
00:27:24,068 --> 00:27:26,108
like someone's
gonna take it away from you.
423
00:27:26,148 --> 00:27:27,948
Mother, what are you doing?
424
00:27:27,988 --> 00:27:32,308
What do you mean, freeloading? We've
paid for our holiday just like you.
425
00:27:32,348 --> 00:27:35,308
Oh, yeah, and you're trying
to wriggle out of that, as well.
426
00:27:35,348 --> 00:27:38,748
For God's sake, Mother.
Tell her you want your money back.
427
00:27:38,788 --> 00:27:41,548
I don't want any money back.
Why don't we all have a drink?
428
00:27:41,588 --> 00:27:43,348
That's what I said.
429
00:27:43,388 --> 00:27:46,588
They should be locked up and their
ugly kids should be in care.
430
00:27:46,628 --> 00:27:51,548
What?! I have no idea what
the maximum sentence in Spain is
431
00:27:51,588 --> 00:27:55,548
for breaking a pensioner's neck but
I am more than willing to find out.
432
00:27:55,588 --> 00:27:57,348
What are you doing?
433
00:27:57,388 --> 00:27:59,388
I'm not doing anything!
434
00:27:59,428 --> 00:28:01,308
Mick, get her out of it!
435
00:28:11,468 --> 00:28:13,788
You'll have to pay for that,
as well.
436
00:28:15,108 --> 00:28:17,268
Mam, come on.
437
00:28:17,308 --> 00:28:19,108
I've got you.
438
00:28:20,508 --> 00:28:24,108
Check again. Donald and Jacqueline
Stewart. We're friends of -
439
00:28:24,148 --> 00:28:26,068
Donald, where have you been?
440
00:28:26,108 --> 00:28:30,068
Sorry, we had a nap this afternoon
after our drinks at the Solana.
441
00:28:30,108 --> 00:28:34,108
You know what they say,
siesta before fiesta.
442
00:28:34,148 --> 00:28:36,628
It's OK, they're with me.
443
00:28:40,228 --> 00:28:43,828
My goodness,
this looks quite a party.
444
00:28:43,868 --> 00:28:48,748
Oh, yes. There's a big movie
being made in Alicante.
445
00:28:48,788 --> 00:28:51,668
There's quite a few faces in town
446
00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:56,148
and of course, they all want
to meet Pepe, he's a bit of a cult.
447
00:28:56,188 --> 00:29:00,868
Oh, that's a shame, a lot
of famous people can be a -
448
00:29:00,908 --> 00:29:03,668
No, cult.
449
00:29:03,708 --> 00:29:05,588
Oh!
450
00:29:05,628 --> 00:29:10,468
Right, let's get some drinks,
have a mingle,
451
00:29:10,508 --> 00:29:13,068
then we can go through
and meet Pepe.
452
00:29:13,108 --> 00:29:15,108
Wonderful.
453
00:29:25,748 --> 00:29:27,748
Elena.
454
00:29:27,788 --> 00:29:30,388
What are you doing here?
Tiger, how are you?
455
00:29:30,428 --> 00:29:34,148
Yeah, I'm good. What's going on?
I was looking for Michael.
456
00:29:34,188 --> 00:29:36,988
He's, erm... gone.
457
00:29:37,028 --> 00:29:42,148
Gone? Yeah, his family
went out... into Benidorm...
458
00:29:42,188 --> 00:29:43,988
for dinner.
Oh.
459
00:29:44,028 --> 00:29:47,028
You don't know where?
No, sorry, they didn't say.
460
00:29:47,068 --> 00:29:49,628
Then he flies home tomorrow.
461
00:29:49,668 --> 00:29:53,268
Are you busy tonight?
I wrote down my number, my Facebook.
462
00:29:53,308 --> 00:29:56,108
Could you get these to Michael?
I can try.
463
00:29:57,148 --> 00:30:00,148
So about tonight... you
doing anything?
464
00:30:00,188 --> 00:30:03,428
I have to be with my family.
Our pedalos were stolen today,
465
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:05,948
it has brought us many problems.
466
00:30:05,988 --> 00:30:09,468
OK, well... I'll see what I can do.
467
00:30:11,748 --> 00:30:13,708
Oops.
468
00:30:16,388 --> 00:30:19,588
What's going on?
Nothing. Mind your own business.
469
00:30:19,628 --> 00:30:22,068
Your mate's been asking
where you are. What mate?
470
00:30:22,108 --> 00:30:24,348
Oh, no, that's right,
you haven't got any.
471
00:30:24,388 --> 00:30:26,268
Michael.
Oh, yeah.
472
00:30:26,308 --> 00:30:29,988
Tell him I'm coming for food,
then I've got a date.
473
00:30:30,028 --> 00:30:31,988
Tell him yourself.
474
00:30:44,828 --> 00:30:47,948
That's the scooter deposit money
they owe us for, as well.
475
00:30:47,988 --> 00:30:50,988
Don't look at them. I'm trying
not to, I'm just about to eat.
476
00:30:51,028 --> 00:30:53,708
Look, just leave them alone
and they won't bother us.
477
00:30:53,748 --> 00:30:56,268
We're off home tomorrow,
we'll never see them again.
478
00:30:56,308 --> 00:30:58,988
Are you trying to say that
I can't stay in touch with Tiger?
479
00:30:59,028 --> 00:31:01,548
Over my dead body.
There's an offer you can't refuse.
480
00:31:01,588 --> 00:31:04,948
'Pargo rojo frito o en salsa.'
Bloody hell,
481
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:07,348
they've given us the menu
written in Spanish.
482
00:31:07,388 --> 00:31:09,388
This place is going right down hill.
483
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:23,428
Nosey.
You found a friend at last?
484
00:31:23,468 --> 00:31:25,508
Yeah, I have, as it goes.
485
00:31:26,708 --> 00:31:28,988
Look at them... staring at us.
486
00:31:29,708 --> 00:31:33,668
They've got absolutely no shame.
Just ignore them.
487
00:31:33,708 --> 00:31:35,708
This is all your fault.
Of course it is.
488
00:31:35,748 --> 00:31:38,268
I'm serious. I know you are,
I'm agreeing with you.
489
00:31:38,308 --> 00:31:42,268
Everything's my fault.
Don't be smart, Clive.
490
00:31:42,308 --> 00:31:46,428
Well, what do you want me to say?
Just tell me and I'll say it.
491
00:31:55,828 --> 00:31:58,868
♪ Blue moon
492
00:31:58,908 --> 00:32:02,468
♪ You saw me standing alone ♪
493
00:32:03,708 --> 00:32:07,188
Why didn't Kenneth want anyone to
know he's been taken into hospital?
494
00:32:07,228 --> 00:32:09,828
He just doens't want everybody
knowing his business.
495
00:32:09,868 --> 00:32:11,668
Oh, aye, I understand that.
496
00:32:11,708 --> 00:32:15,228
If gossip was gold, everyone
in this town would be a millionaire.
497
00:32:17,828 --> 00:32:20,828
Right, line up the shots, Lesley,
I am back in business.
498
00:32:20,868 --> 00:32:22,628
What are you doing?
What?
499
00:32:22,668 --> 00:32:24,508
Kenneth, you promised
to stay in bed.
500
00:32:24,548 --> 00:32:27,748
I'm fine, just leave it, Liam. No,
I'm sorry if you think I'm nagging
501
00:32:27,788 --> 00:32:30,468
but the doctor said you need
two weeks complete bed rest.
502
00:32:30,508 --> 00:32:32,828
It may have escaped your notice
but I am a grown man
503
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:34,948
who is capable of making
his own decisions.
504
00:32:34,988 --> 00:32:38,028
You are a grown man and you'll do
whatever you want, you usually do,
505
00:32:38,068 --> 00:32:39,988
but you're also my friend.
506
00:32:40,028 --> 00:32:42,388
You absolutely do my head in
sometimes...
507
00:32:43,428 --> 00:32:46,588
..but I love you. I love you
like the brother I never had
508
00:32:46,628 --> 00:32:50,748
and... I don't know what I'd do...
509
00:32:50,788 --> 00:32:53,068
I don't know what I'd do
if I ever lost you.
510
00:32:53,108 --> 00:32:56,988
All right, enough.
I'm going before you set me off.
511
00:33:03,028 --> 00:33:05,108
Come here.
512
00:33:07,228 --> 00:33:09,228
Straight to bed, please?
513
00:33:09,268 --> 00:33:11,228
I've got to get some numbers
out the salon
514
00:33:11,268 --> 00:33:13,428
to cancel some appointments
but after that,
515
00:33:13,468 --> 00:33:15,348
I promise, straight to bed.
516
00:33:20,068 --> 00:33:21,988
Are you all right, son?
517
00:33:22,028 --> 00:33:24,188
As long as Kenneth's OK, I'll be OK.
518
00:33:24,228 --> 00:33:26,228
I don't know what
you're worried about.
519
00:33:26,268 --> 00:33:28,868
By Benidorm standards,
he's practically an athlete.
520
00:33:28,908 --> 00:33:32,988
So you see, it was simply
a huge misunderstanding.
521
00:33:33,028 --> 00:33:37,988
I mean, actually it's quite funny
when one stops and thinks about it.
522
00:33:38,028 --> 00:33:41,268
He gave us a list
of local sex shops.
523
00:33:41,308 --> 00:33:43,148
A list? How many are there?
524
00:33:43,188 --> 00:33:45,428
The one in the old town
looks very good.
525
00:33:46,148 --> 00:33:49,388
It was not my fault. I looked up
Amsterdam on the interweb.
526
00:33:49,428 --> 00:33:52,348
I think this is a case
of you shooting on the messenger.
527
00:33:52,388 --> 00:33:56,268
I would like to stress that we
are not without a sense of humour
528
00:33:56,308 --> 00:33:59,828
but this was a case
of mass stereotyping
529
00:33:59,868 --> 00:34:02,108
and blatant xenophobia.
530
00:34:02,148 --> 00:34:04,788
Not all people from Amsterdam
531
00:34:04,828 --> 00:34:08,228
are Edam cheese eating,
sex mad drug takers.
532
00:34:08,268 --> 00:34:12,388
The tulips in the room
were a nice touch. Shut up!
533
00:34:12,428 --> 00:34:17,108
You have my personal guarantee that
you will all be treated with dignity
534
00:34:17,148 --> 00:34:20,228
and respect for the remainder
of your stay.
535
00:34:20,268 --> 00:34:22,468
Well, we are leaving in the morning.
536
00:34:23,148 --> 00:34:25,508
I appreciate your words.
537
00:34:25,548 --> 00:34:29,348
Now, as you know, we've been trying
our best to attract more customers
538
00:34:29,388 --> 00:34:32,828
from the Netherlands.
I'm sure a staff photograph
539
00:34:32,868 --> 00:34:36,228
with such high profile dignitaries
as yourselves
540
00:34:36,268 --> 00:34:38,308
would give us a helping hand.
541
00:34:38,348 --> 00:34:40,588
Yeah, yeah, that will be fine.
542
00:34:51,348 --> 00:34:54,068
And now especially
for Mr Jan De Grope,
543
00:34:54,108 --> 00:34:57,028
there's a name for you,
and our visitors from Amsterdam,
544
00:34:57,068 --> 00:34:59,028
we have the Dutch National Anthem.
545
00:34:59,668 --> 00:35:01,828
And what better time than now?
Lesley!
546
00:35:05,668 --> 00:35:09,588
♪ A mouse lived in a windmill
in old Amsterdam
547
00:35:09,628 --> 00:35:11,868
Say Edam.
Edam!
548
00:35:11,908 --> 00:35:15,828
♪ He wasn't grousing,
he sang every morning
549
00:35:15,868 --> 00:35:17,988
♪ How lucky I am
550
00:35:18,028 --> 00:35:21,588
♪ Living in a windmill
in old Amsterdam
551
00:35:21,628 --> 00:35:25,108
♪ I saw a mouse
Where?!
552
00:35:25,148 --> 00:35:27,148
♪ There on the stair
553
00:35:27,188 --> 00:35:29,948
♪ Where on the stair?
♪ Right there ♪
554
00:35:35,237 --> 00:35:38,637
It will probably be just
a quick hello with Pepe,
555
00:35:38,677 --> 00:35:42,877
I hope you don't mind. Just to meet
him is a dream come true.
556
00:35:42,917 --> 00:35:46,557
He doesn't speak any English
but his wife's British
557
00:35:46,597 --> 00:35:48,717
so it won't be awkward.
558
00:35:48,757 --> 00:35:53,237
Actually, she's Scottish,
you might even know her.
559
00:35:53,277 --> 00:35:57,437
Like when Americans think if you
live in the UK, you know the Queen.
560
00:35:57,477 --> 00:35:59,877
We know loads of queens.
561
00:36:06,277 --> 00:36:08,917
Donald Stewart, oh, my God.
562
00:36:08,957 --> 00:36:12,437
Aggie Campbell, I don't believe it!
563
00:36:13,117 --> 00:36:16,997
Oh, memories. What on earth
are you doing here?
564
00:36:17,037 --> 00:36:20,957
We're friends of Queenie but
we holiday in Benidorm every year.
565
00:36:20,997 --> 00:36:23,637
I'm so sorry,
this is my wife Jacqueline.
566
00:36:23,677 --> 00:36:27,077
Jacqueline, this is an old flame
of mine Aggie Campbell.
567
00:36:27,117 --> 00:36:30,797
Aggie. Nobody's called me
that for 30 years.
568
00:36:30,837 --> 00:36:34,917
You look amazing. You look
not too bad, yourself.
569
00:36:34,957 --> 00:36:38,677
Oh, I'm sorry,
this is my husband Pepe.
570
00:36:38,717 --> 00:36:44,437
It's an absolute honour and
a pleasure to meet you, Mr Le Pew.
571
00:36:44,477 --> 00:36:49,317
I mean Mr De La Cruz.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
572
00:36:49,357 --> 00:36:51,317
Buenos Noches.
573
00:36:51,357 --> 00:36:53,797
Nervous about meeting him?
You've got to be joking.
574
00:36:53,837 --> 00:36:56,277
How long have you been married?
Where did you meet?
575
00:36:56,317 --> 00:36:59,677
What have you been doing these past,
goodness knows how many years?
576
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,597
So many questions, Donald,
so little time.
577
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:06,237
I'll tell you what, why don't the
five of us split from this place?
578
00:37:06,277 --> 00:37:08,077
We could go and have dinner
somewhere.
579
00:37:08,117 --> 00:37:11,637
Old Pepe's tired of pop stars
kissing his arse, anyway.
580
00:37:11,677 --> 00:37:16,197
Is that OK with you, Queenie? You
know me, Donald, I'm easy!
581
00:37:16,237 --> 00:37:19,397
Fan-bloody-tastic.
582
00:37:39,277 --> 00:37:41,277
We're closed. Come back tomorrow.
583
00:37:42,957 --> 00:37:44,917
Who is it?
584
00:37:44,957 --> 00:37:46,837
Who's there?
585
00:37:52,997 --> 00:37:56,077
All right, Kenneth? How's it going?
586
00:37:56,117 --> 00:37:58,077
What do you want?
587
00:38:01,837 --> 00:38:05,957
I'm Norman the doorman
from Herbert's club.
588
00:38:05,997 --> 00:38:07,997
I know who you are.
What do you want?
589
00:38:08,037 --> 00:38:09,997
That's not very friendly.
590
00:38:14,357 --> 00:38:17,997
What's that? Your uncle Herbert was
dead chuffed to see you last week
591
00:38:18,037 --> 00:38:20,757
but he's also a businessman.
What does that mean?
592
00:38:23,117 --> 00:38:25,557
The fact is...
593
00:38:26,077 --> 00:38:27,837
..he was actually a bit pissed off
594
00:38:27,877 --> 00:38:31,237
that there's a hairdressers in
Benidorm that didn't belong to him...
595
00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:34,637
so he bought it.
Herbert bought Blow and Go?
596
00:38:35,797 --> 00:38:39,877
But it's not for sale. Everything's
for sale if you've got enough money.
597
00:38:41,077 --> 00:38:43,157
Anyway, that's your rent demand.
598
00:38:43,197 --> 00:38:45,997
Herbert always takes
his first year's rent up front.
599
00:38:46,037 --> 00:38:49,037
A year's rent?
You've got to be joking.
600
00:38:49,077 --> 00:38:53,157
And rates and utilities and
insurance.
601
00:38:54,357 --> 00:38:58,317
Herbert thinks the world of you,
Kenneth but business is business.
602
00:39:00,317 --> 00:39:02,317
Are you OK?
603
00:39:03,197 --> 00:39:05,197
I'm fine.
604
00:39:12,317 --> 00:39:17,397
Total amount payable... zero. That's
just Herbert's slightly dramatic way
605
00:39:17,437 --> 00:39:20,317
of saying he's bought
the salon... for you.
606
00:39:21,797 --> 00:39:23,757
What?
Well, it's in his name
607
00:39:23,797 --> 00:39:26,877
but you can stay here rent-free
for as long as you like.
608
00:39:26,917 --> 00:39:28,957
I can't believe this.
609
00:39:29,837 --> 00:39:32,917
Wh-why didn't he come in and see me
or just give me a ring?
610
00:39:32,957 --> 00:39:35,157
I know.
611
00:39:35,197 --> 00:39:39,237
He's a great guy, Herbert,
but he can be one camp old bastard.
612
00:39:40,477 --> 00:39:42,477
I'd better get back to work.
613
00:39:44,917 --> 00:39:48,237
Drop in the club sometime.
Your name's always on the door.
614
00:39:53,357 --> 00:39:56,197
Who exactly apologised?
All three of them.
615
00:39:56,237 --> 00:39:58,637
My mam said sorry for being moody
at the spa,
616
00:39:58,677 --> 00:40:00,517
my dad said sorry
for having a go at you
617
00:40:00,557 --> 00:40:03,157
and my nana said sorry
for being rude. It's about time.
618
00:40:03,197 --> 00:40:05,837
They also said if you wanna
go for a drink at the bar later,
619
00:40:05,877 --> 00:40:08,277
the first round's on them.
It's all-inclusive.
620
00:40:08,317 --> 00:40:10,237
I know, I think it was a joke.
621
00:40:13,957 --> 00:40:16,317
I don't know how but I think
we got away with that.
622
00:40:16,357 --> 00:40:17,997
Of course. Who on the earth
623
00:40:18,037 --> 00:40:20,517
knows what the Dutch National Anthem
is like, anyway?
624
00:40:21,277 --> 00:40:23,277
Possibly the Dutch.
625
00:40:23,317 --> 00:40:25,317
Oh, yes.
626
00:40:25,357 --> 00:40:28,717
Right, I'm done in.
I'm having an early night.
627
00:40:28,757 --> 00:40:31,557
Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK?
628
00:40:33,037 --> 00:40:37,357
No, no, I'm not OK.
You are worried about Squirrel, no?
629
00:40:38,517 --> 00:40:42,357
It's just so out of character for
him to leave without saying goodbye.
630
00:40:42,397 --> 00:40:46,637
He did not say why in his letter?
631
00:40:47,837 --> 00:40:50,157
What letter?
Oops.
632
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,837
What are you talking about?
No, no letter.
633
00:40:52,877 --> 00:40:55,117
Mateo, what letter?
634
00:40:55,157 --> 00:40:58,837
One of the staff, she put
the letter under your door...
635
00:40:58,877 --> 00:41:00,797
from Squirrel.
636
00:41:00,837 --> 00:41:03,757
When? I've had no letter.
Why didn't you say?
637
00:41:03,797 --> 00:41:07,037
It was yesterday but Squirrel
told her not to say anything.
638
00:41:07,077 --> 00:41:09,477
But there was no letter under my...
639
00:41:11,757 --> 00:41:14,037
Unless...
640
00:41:29,437 --> 00:41:31,997
They definitely apologised?
Yeah.
641
00:41:32,037 --> 00:41:34,037
Which one?
All of them.
642
00:41:34,077 --> 00:41:36,117
The mam said sorry about the spa,
643
00:41:36,157 --> 00:41:38,357
the dad said sorry
for having a go at you
644
00:41:38,397 --> 00:41:42,477
and Tiger apologised for... well,
letting me get a tattoo,
645
00:41:42,517 --> 00:41:44,437
even though it wasn't his fault.
646
00:41:44,477 --> 00:41:47,437
I don't believe it.
Well, that's up to you
647
00:41:47,477 --> 00:41:49,157
but they did, they apologised
648
00:41:49,197 --> 00:41:51,517
and they want to have a drink
with us at the bar.
649
00:42:05,717 --> 00:42:07,997
'My darling, Joyce.
650
00:42:08,037 --> 00:42:10,317
This is such a difficult
letter to write.
651
00:42:10,357 --> 00:42:12,877
I'm using one of those
little betting shop pens
652
00:42:12,917 --> 00:42:15,837
and the top of it
keeps digging into my hand.
653
00:42:15,877 --> 00:42:21,117
But it's also difficult because
I know how I've let you down.
654
00:42:21,157 --> 00:42:25,197
I put your career in jeopardy
and that is inexcusable.
655
00:42:26,237 --> 00:42:29,237
I once put my late wife
Genevieve's job in danger
656
00:42:29,277 --> 00:42:32,317
when she worked as a rat catcher
in the late '80s.
657
00:42:32,357 --> 00:42:36,597
Being the animal lover I am,
I stayed up one night
658
00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,837
loosening all the springs
on her traps.
659
00:42:38,877 --> 00:42:40,877
But I digress.
660
00:42:40,917 --> 00:42:43,757
If you feel you can forgive me
661
00:42:43,797 --> 00:42:46,397
and you think there is some way
I can redeem myself,
662
00:42:46,437 --> 00:42:50,317
I'll be in the Julio Iglesias square
all day Tuesday
663
00:42:50,357 --> 00:42:52,397
alone with my thoughts.
664
00:42:52,437 --> 00:42:55,197
If I haven't heard from you
by six o'clock,
665
00:42:55,237 --> 00:42:58,237
I'll start making my way
to Alicante airport.
666
00:42:58,277 --> 00:43:02,837
I have an open return ticket and I'll
be flying on the 9:30 to Gatwick
667
00:43:02,877 --> 00:43:06,837
with my hand on my heart
and a tear in my eye.
668
00:43:08,317 --> 00:43:10,437
I'm not sure I've convinced you,
Joyce,
669
00:43:10,477 --> 00:43:13,917
so please forgive me
as I play my final card.
670
00:43:14,757 --> 00:43:17,157
Joyce, I love you.
671
00:43:17,197 --> 00:43:21,717
I've always loved you
and I always will love you.
672
00:43:21,757 --> 00:43:25,237
I just hope you feel the same way.
673
00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:29,277
Forever yours, Squirrel.'
674
00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:39,877
So whereabouts are you going, then?
675
00:43:39,917 --> 00:43:41,797
I told you,
I've got a bit of business.
676
00:43:41,837 --> 00:43:44,317
Yeah, I know, you said.
What does that even mean?
677
00:43:44,357 --> 00:43:46,877
Ask no questions,
I'll tell you no lies, mate.
678
00:43:47,757 --> 00:43:49,837
All right, whatever.
679
00:43:49,877 --> 00:43:52,917
Maybe see you in the morning
or summat. Yeah. Sweet.
680
00:44:01,877 --> 00:44:03,917
I know what you did, you know.
681
00:44:03,957 --> 00:44:07,077
What did I do? You told your lot
the same as you told my lot
682
00:44:07,117 --> 00:44:09,557
and they both think
each other apologised.
683
00:44:09,597 --> 00:44:13,277
So what? It worked, didn't it?
Why did you do that?
684
00:44:13,317 --> 00:44:16,797
Because it's the right thing to do.
And you always do the right thing?
685
00:44:16,837 --> 00:44:19,957
No, I don't but when I do,
it usually makes me feel better.
686
00:44:19,997 --> 00:44:22,077
Especially if my family's
involved...
687
00:44:23,637 --> 00:44:25,557
..and friends.
688
00:44:32,757 --> 00:44:35,877
I thought you were going
to sort out your 'bit of business'?
689
00:44:35,917 --> 00:44:38,277
Mikey, I... I can't believe this,
690
00:44:38,317 --> 00:44:41,997
I completely forgot
to tell you something. What?
691
00:44:42,037 --> 00:44:45,917
That girl Elena, from the beach,
she was looking for you.
692
00:44:45,957 --> 00:44:47,957
You're joking? When?
693
00:44:47,997 --> 00:44:50,037
Earlier tonight.
694
00:44:50,077 --> 00:44:52,077
I looked for you
but you weren't around
695
00:44:52,117 --> 00:44:56,797
so I said for her to meet you
on the beach tonight at 9:30.
696
00:44:56,837 --> 00:45:00,637
It's 9:30 now. And the beach
is what? 90 seconds away.
697
00:45:00,677 --> 00:45:03,517
If I run.
So run!
698
00:46:20,633 --> 00:46:53,724
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