All language subtitles for 4357761-TXM_Everybody Hates Chris 3 Ep 16

بروکلین 1986

از زمانی که یادم میاد
موسیقی بخشی از زندگی من بوده

و در سال 1986
بزرگترین اجرا در جهان ران دی ام سی بود

چی داری گوش میدی جوونک؟

جوونک

چی داری گوش میدی؟

ران دی ام سی

ران یعنی دوییدن، این دیگه چه جور اسمیه؟

این مگه یه فعل نبود، آقایون؟

اون کنسرت رو میری؟

کاش میشد، همه بلیط هاش فروخته شد

I've got a guy that's gonna
give me two tickets tomorrow.

They're yours for 200.

CHRIS:
I don't have $200.

I'll take 'em.

Okay, I'll have them
tomorrow at 6.

And I'm gonna need cash.

Now, I don't take check, credit,

pesos, rubles,

wampums, ducats
or wherewithal.

No problem.

As long as you can
also loan me $200.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, what's going on?
Hey.

Uh, Manny, you mind if
I leave these here?

What is it?

Applications
for my BFD Scholarship.

BFD?

Black Funeral Directors.

What I was thinking
wasn't even close.

( chuckles )
You too, right?

So if you know of any young men

who would like to learn about
the wonderful world of death,

this scholarship
is worth $250.

Sounds like ticket money to me.

I'm interested.
Interested in free money.

Oh, I didn't know you were interested
in the bereaved and deceased.

I'm not.

Oh, this is a lot easier
than I thought it would be.

I was thinking
the exact same thing.

All you have to do
is sign right here

and you're
the new BFD scholar.

Good.
Now, when do I get the money?

Oh, as soon as you're done
with the program.

Will I be done with the
program by tomorrow at 6?

It's gonna take longer than that to
learn all you need to know about death.

No, it's not, because right now
I'm having a heart attack.

While I waited
for my scholarship money,

I was researching other ways
to get some cash.

Give you an advance on your pay?

Yeah, and I'll pay you back as soon
as I get my scholarship money.

That sounds like a good plan.

But what happens if you get killed?

I haven't thought
about that.

Ain't that nothing.

You learning about death and
ain't even thought about dying.

Ha. Death can happen
at any moment, son.

It can happen when you're happy,

when you're sad, or when
you owe somebody money.

Translation: no.

While I was hurting for cash,
my mother was in pain.

So the chart says you got pain
in your shoulder.

How did you do this?

Oh, I was reaching for something
and I must have overextended.

That's one way of putting it.

Boy, didn't I tell you
about throwing that ball?

Mama, I didn't mean
to break it, I'm sorry.

Oh,
your behind gonna be sorry.

( cracking )
Ow. Ow.

Went too far back on the wind-up, didn't you?

Yeah. You know
that boy broke a $60 lamp

when I told him, "Do not throw
a ball in the house." Ow.

Next time just stretch first.
Stretch?

Nothing helps you give better
ass whuppings than yoga.

It's part of
the proper technique.

There are various techniques
that you can use to avoid injury

while delivering an ass whupping.

There's the Two-Cheek Cross,

the Roundhouse Booty Buster,

or my personal favorite:

the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker.

In the wrong hands,

a beating can be called child abuse.

In the right hands

, it could be the difference
between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Read this.

If you rest your arm in a sling
for a week, you'll be fine.

A week?
I can't rest for a week.

I gotta cook and clean.
You're hurt.

Make those kids do it.

Strap me up.
Mm-hm.

My mother had a sling,
while my father had ch-ching.

What's this?

I got a fun project for you.

My father was famous for his fun projects.

Isn't this fun?

What is this stuff anyway?

Asbestos.

We're gonna save a lot of
money on heat this year.

I need you to roll these quarters.

Forty in each roll.

You think you can handle that, baby?

Okay, Daddy.

That's my girl.

I had a hundred dollars saved,
and I had to get the rest

or my chance to see Run-DMC
was gonna be G-O-N-E.

So, Dad, can I borrow a hundred dollars
until my scholarship money arrives?

That depends. Can I borrow
it back two seconds later?

For what?
Books.

But Mr. Omar gave you a scholarship.

What, he can't give you the books?

I get $250.

Wow. They got any more
scholarships around here?

I don't know.

The Future Crackheads
of America had a scholarship,

but they used that up
on Flavor Flav.

Well, I guess it's for a good cause.

Turn around so I can get the money.

Okay.

I never did find out where my
father kept his secret stash.

Here you go.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

My father held onto cash so tight,
George Washington couldn't breathe.

Thirty-nine,

40.

According to math, the roll was perfect.

But according to Tonya,

39 quarters looked
a lot neater than 40.

That's better.

Bam!

We're going
to the Run-DMC concert.

Dude, this is incredible.

I promise I'll pay you back,
$10 a week.

This is the best thing
anyone's ever done for me

since my mom took me back
from the foster home.

Well, we couldn't miss the
greatest concert of the year.

Where did you get the money?
Oh, my dad loaned it to me.

I'm gonna pay him back
with my scholarship money.

What scholarship?
BFD.

Never heard of that one before.

But I'm guessing acronyms today:

Black Funeral Directors.

Yeah, you have a scholarship?

Yeah, I've got four:

Future Physicists, Future Pharmacists,
Future Futurists, and Sons of Izzo.

Who's Izzo?

It's an Italian thing, you
wouldn't understand. Oh.

So you wanna be a funeral director?

No, I just want to see Run-DMC.

Duh!

My mother was about to win an
Emmy for best exaggerated injury.

Get the pillow.

Now,
I wish I wasn't hurt,

but I am.

So I'm gonna need you two to pick
up the slack around here, okay?

What do we
have to do?

Not a lot.

All of this?

Now you can appreciate all the
hard work I do around here.

Ow. Ow.
Drew, go get my turtles.

Tonya, put my feet up.
You know my ankles swell.

Pass me the remote.

Move out of the way! You're blocking the TV.

Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

Come on here, girl!
You can do it, sister.

Come on, joker.
Come on, joke--

Yes!

You should've seen her when
she watched Card Sharks.

Now that I was going to the show,

I couldn't wait for Mr. Omar
to show me the money.

Hey, Mr. Omar, I was just wondering what I
needed to do to finish up my scholarship work.

Oh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Chris.

As you know, death doesn't
wait, so come on in.

I'm just finishing up my preparation
for the Death Jubilee.

Sweep that up.

Death Jubilee?

Oh, it's only the biggest event of the year.

It's like the Auto Show.

If you drive a hearse.

Now, look, I need you to collate
these, fold these

take both of them slide them into here, okay?

I need you to iron that shirt,
take the suit to the cleaners,

shine my shoes,
get me a paper on the corner.

I got a lot of more stuff
for you to do later.

Oh, the Death Jubilee is all
day tomorrow, so get your rest.

You mean get your rest in peace.

Now, when do you think
I'll be done?

Oh, you should be done
by Tuesday.

Tuesday? But I have somewhere
to go on Monday.

Go on Tuesday.
I can't.

Tragic.

Not as tragic
as missing Run-DMC.

At the Death Jubilee, I was
beginning to realize that the BFD

was a bunch of BS.

Hey, Omar,
the scholarship idea? Genius.

Hey, I could never afford to
come to this convention before

'cause it cost so much for help.

But you call it a scholarship and you
get help for less than half the price.

Hey, did you guys see the women
over in the bereavement hall?

If you thought last year was
good, this year is ridiculous.

Oh, you think that's ridiculous?

Did you see the girl standing by the hearse?

Now, she's bad for business. Who's
gonna die with her standing around.

MAN:
Oh, my God.

You know Mrs. Eisenberg?
She called me.

Mrs. Eisenberg,
Mrs. Eisenberg?

Yeah.
You're kidding.

MAN: I'm not kidding you.
We went out. She's a firecracker.

Almost gave me a heart attack.

I told you not to mess with her.

Well, her husband was on bed rest for a year.

What can you expect?
I didn't expect that.

Hey, tragic.

Uh, Mr. Omar...

I'm done.

What do you want me
to do with this?

Oh. Right here.

You know, you might have
a future in this after all.

Back at home, my mother found
that taking it easy

was gonna be harder
than she thought.

Hey, Mom,
how do you fold this?

With your hands, dummy.

Hey, Mom, can you clean burnt
spaghetti sauce with bleach?

If you wanna die.

DREW:
Hey, Mom!

Tonya:
Mom!

DREW:
Ma!

TONYA:
Mom!

While my mother's legs
were getting stronger,

Mr. Omar's little black book
was getting fatter.

Oh, thank you so much
for stopping by.

Now you be sure
and call me now, okay?

All right?

Hey.

Oh, did you pass out
the pamphlets?

Yeah.

Only to the pretty ones?
Yeah.

So you're supposed to be
telling me about your business?

What do you wanna know?

Well, what made you wanna
work with dead people?

There's something you need to
know about the funeral business.

It's not
about servicing the dead.

It's about comforting the living.

Some of the living need a little
more comforting than others.

Go out to the truck, get me some
pamphlets. I'll be right back.

Toast?

Toast for dinner?

Tonya can't cook,

and it's the best that I could
do in the condition that I'm in.

She's using most of her energy
faking being hurt.

Ow!

Thank you.

Chris, why don't you pass
the toast around?

See? I got wheat toast
and white toast

and raisin and crust
and crustless.

No pumpernickel?

Mommy also has grape jelly,
strawberry jelly, hot sauce,

Hot sauce?
cinnamon,

Hot sauce?
honey and syrup

to dip your crust in.

Hot sauce?

Um, did you finish up
those quarters like I asked?

Yep, 10 rolls.

Good girl.

Hey, Chris, can you pass me
the hot sauce?

Hot sauce?

So, Chris, how was your day?

Did you learn anything
about the funeral business?

I learned it was heavy.

Ah, I bet it is.

You enjoying those books?

Yeah, they're great.

JULIUS:
Pass me the big piece of toast.

Oh, honey, how much longer are
you gonna be in that sling?

Until we run out of bread.

I don't know, Julius.

As soon as I'm healed
and fully recovered,

I'll let you know.

Ow.

While my mother was milking her
injury, I was being trained.

Chris, I must say you're
really doing a great job.

Well, what do I have
to do today?

Oh, just polish a few coffins.

A few?

How long is this gonna take?
I don't know.

Well, you think I'll be done
by tomorrow night?

I have somewhere to go
and it's really important.

Chris, there's nothing more important
than fulfilling your responsibilities.

That's what this scholarship
is all about: service.

So do your best.

If you get it done, tomorrow
you can do whatever you want.

Okay, well, how clean
do they have to be?

Well, I need you
to make these

look like this.

All right?

So do your best.

I'll see you later.
Lock up after you leave.

You are the best.

By the time I finished
cleaning those coffins,

I almost needed one,

but it was worth it
because come tomorrow,

I was gonna have
the time of my life.

What time do you want to meet
and go to the Garden?

You know what? You go without me
and I'll meet you down there.

What?

I have to go by the
funeral parlor after school

to make sure there's nothing
Mr. Omar wants me to do.

I don't wanna have him think there's any
reason for him not to give me my money.

I don't know why you took
that scholarship anyway.

Did you have $200 for concert tickets?

No. Here.

Don't be illing, man.
I'll see you at 7:30.

All right.

For my father, coin-cashing day was
better than Christmas morning.

Ninety-seven dollars
and fifty cents.

No, that can't be right.

I-I know I had
a hundred dollars here.

Did you count it?
No.

Well, I did,
and it's $97.50.

Well,
maybe you made a mistake.

No,
maybe you made a mistake.

Think you're the first to tried
to skim a few quarters past us?

Actually, he was
the first person to try it,

but that was a long time ago.

Back at Mr. Omar's,
it was almost quitting time

and I was three minutes away
from Run-DMC.

Hey, Greg. Yeah.

So we're still good, right?

Oh, okay.

No, all I have to do
is lock up.

I'm out of here in, like,
two minutes.

So I'll meet you at the Garden?

All right, cool.

I had finished all my dealings with
death, and now it was time to get ill.

Excuse me.
Can you help me?

I can... but I don't want to.

Sorry.

I was just locking up

, but I'm sure Mr.
Omar could talk to you in the morning.

Oh,
it'll only take a minute.

You see, my husband passed and Mr.
Omar wanted me to bring a tie

to go with the outfit,
and I just can't decide.

What do you think?
Blue or green?

Uh, green.

Oh, yeah, green.

Leonard liked green.
Okay.

Well, um, I'm gonna give this to Mr.
Omar in the morning,

but we can leave.

Yeah.

Maybe blue would be better.

He was an executive,
you know.

Okay.

Blue it is.

No, you're right. Green.

and, tell me,

do you think I should get
socks to match the tie?

This will only take a minute

in old people time.

WOMAN:
Wait.

That's perfect.

You remind me of him,
you know?

He used to have that same look
you have right now.

Frustration?

You keep looking
at the clock.

Is there someplace
you supposed to be?

Yeah, I'm supposed
to be meeting a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I don't mean to hold you up.

Then let me go.

Leonard had friends now.

Yes, there was Earl,

Louis, Zeke, Son--

Sonny. Sonny had one eye,

and he got into a fight
with Chester Jenkins.

He love watching sitcoms,

especially Sanford & Son.

He loved Sanford & Son.

( imitates Sanford ):
I'm coming, Elizabeth!

This man could cook.

You talk about fried chicken?

His chicken was so good,

chickens be at the table talking.
"Whoa, this some good chicken.

Whoa, whoa, whoa."

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Bend it down.
Bend it down. Come on.

Ooh. Oh-- You good.

You good, but you're
not as good as Leonard.

Ow! Stop!

I was missing Run-DMC,

but my father was really
missing his quarters.

Shouldn't you be
at work, baby?

Rochelle, I think Tonya
may have stolen from me.

What?

Well,
I went to the bank

and the quarters I had her
roll up for me came up short.

Oh, no, my daughter is not
gonna grow up to be a thief.

We're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

I still got
one good arm left.

No, no, no.

Ow. Ow, ow.

I-I-I'll talk to her.
Y-You just get some rest.

Okay.
All right.

Thank you, baby.
Okay.

My father hated to think
that Tonya had stolen again,

but he also hated
being short $2.50.

Tonya,

did you roll those quarters
like I told you to?

Yeah. Why?
Well, when I went to the bank,

every one of those rolls
was a quarter short.

What happened to the rest of my money?

Well, I took one quarter
out of each roll.

You didn't think anybody
would notice that?

What did you do
with the money, Tonya?

Well, I was trying to save
to make you another roll.

Save for another roll?

Yeah. You didn't think I was
stealing from you, did you?

No, of course not.

Well, that's what it sounds
like to me.

No, no, that's not
what it sounds like.

I'm just saying--
Huh?

Wha--? Ye-- Look, your mother,
she needs some help.

Look, here, take that and buy
some candy or something, okay?

No, Daddy, you keep it.

Coming, baby! Coming!

Oh,
I'm gonna miss him.

But you know what?

He had a good life.

Yeah.

Sounds like you two got along.

Oh, no, he was a pain in the ass.

But he was my pain in the ass.

Yeah.

Young man,
can I tell you something?

What's that?

This is the best I've felt in days.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

I know there's someplace
you gotta be.

There was someplace
I wanted to be,

but I was right where
I needed to be.

Hey, what happened?
Where were you?

I can't believe you missed it.

Got tied up
at the funeral home.

I told you that scholarship
thing was a bad idea.

It's all right.
I'll catch them next time.

Next time?
There won't be a next time.

It was incredible.

It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC
singing "Walk This Way."

I couldn't believe it, man.

When I saw someone in distress,
I gave comfort.

Greg had a different approach.

But my mother pretending
to have a pain in her arm

was becoming a real pain
in the neck.

TONYA AND DREW:
Ma!

Okay, okay! I'm fine!

I'm up! okay?
Are you happy now?

I mean, what does a woman have to do to
get some rest around here, ?

?get shot

I thought the BFD scholarship
was gonna be easy money,

but I was dead wrong.

At least I was finally
about to get paid.

Here you go. A voucher for

$250 worth of books.

Books?

Books?
Books?

Well, you didn't think you
were getting cash, did you?

Good night.

Tragic.

You owe me a hundred dollars.

¶ Everybody hates Chris ¶